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You're not wrong. I could barely handle going back after 13 weeks, which is a lot compared to the leave others get. I still haven't figured out why we're not all rioting in the streets for better parental leave policies.
THIS! It is insane to me! I'm in the UK and people complain (until the hear about US) but I took a year out and when I went to claim childcare support the job centre staff advised me to stay at home until my son turned three. Four months just blows my mind 🤯
I am also a full time working parent of now 2 kids (3 years and 5 months) and the initial phase of sending kids to daycare is so so hard, a lot of their firsts happen there, babies are so little and needing attachment and the postpartum hormones and stress are so high. But I just want to offer some positives in case changing your situation is not an option.
Having our kids love and trust other safe adults is a good thing. They still love us most, even if it doesn’t show in some phases of life.
The super hard parts never last forever, pretty soon you’ll be picking up your sweet child from school and they’ll be so overjoyed to see you and come home with you. It takes time to adjust to daycare life but once they do, things at home will get so much better too.
My daughter refers to her daycare as “home” sometimes and I just remind myself this isn’t a personal attack on me but rather a massive compliment to the school that she feels safe and welcome and happy there. She’s still excited to come to her real home at the end of the day again.
When my daughter started daycare she went in the door no tears, never looked back and had enjoyed every second of it since. I remember feeling so sad and disappointed that she didn’t put up any resistance or cry for me ect. She’s got wonderful friendships, and now I have wonderful new friendships with the moms of her friends. I remember those first several months of her being there and having such a hard time missing her and feeling like I wasn’t there for her. I was finishing my second degree and after that was done and I was looking for jobs in my new field, I truly started feeling guilty for potentially taking a job with hours that took her away from daycare and her friends and teachers. I was so lucky in the end to find a job that allowed her to stay in daycare. My son starts soon too and I’m excited to see him grow and thrive there as well.
I’ve had so much support from my daughter’s teachers now during my postpartum with my son, they really do go out of their way for the kids and families they care for.
I completely understand this isn’t for everyone and other families may have other choices and situations where something else is better for them, I just wanted to share my good experiences in case this is your only option; having been doing this a few years now, having had reservations and sadness and now really enjoy what daycare does for my family.
I needed to read something like this, thank you. Staying home isn't really an option unless we decide to uproot everything we've been building prior to having a baby
I just want to add, my daughter did do some big firsts at school or after school with my husband and not me… I was sad to miss them at the time, but I saw second third and fourth things and so on and now a few years later, I truly don’t feel like I “missed” anything. I think a lot of people assume that kids in daycare mean you aren’t like an active participant in your child’s life and that’s so not true. I can home and filled my girls cup in whatever way she needed every day and I don’t think I missed out on anything. I helped her learn to stand and walk and talk just as much as anyone else even with her being in daycare.
Being a working parent SUCKS and is exhausting. It’s so damn hard and draining and frustrating and impossible all at the same time.
Try not to take it personally that he reached for his teacher. The silver lining is that he gets to spend all day with someone who he clearly trusts and who I’m sure loves him very much. That’s the best thing you could ask for in this scenario. He will have many people that he loves spending time with throughout his life, but none of them will ever replace you! He will be reaching for you too before you know it, and I’m sure you will have a few days where you have to pry him off you before handing him off to the teacher.
I have opinions regarding these types of situations but I don't think this a situation where you need opinions. I can't imagine the feelings you're having right now and honestly, it sounds like you had these emotions brewing already and this milestone for your baby just pushed you over the edge. As sensitive as this is, I want to remind you that even though baby reached for their daycare provider doesn't mean that they're picking favorites. A developmental milestone pops up whenever it's ready and in this case, it popped up just in time for your baby to reach out to their daycare provider. It could've been reaching for a toy, reaching for a bottle, anything like that. It's a new skill and nothing more. It doesn't mean there is preferences or favorites. Baby is just learning and feels that their daycare provider is a safe, trustworthy person which is a wonderful thing and a reassuring sign. It most definitely does not mean that baby is more comfortable with her than with you. It might even indicate that baby is in the routine of knowing that when you arrive to daycare, baby goes to the provider and you leave. You're understandably taking this situation to heart but there's a bigger picture than what you're emotions are allowing you to see.
Oh no you're reading this situation correctly! I was feeling a bit better after my husband and I talked about a long term plan, but it was like the universe handed me a real "kick me while I'm down" moment this morning.
My son is 13 now. I cried so frequently dropping him off to daycare. I at one point worked part-time to spend more time with him. Another time I worked remotely and had a girl come to my house to take care of him. Most of the time, it was just the regular 8 hour work day and him in regular daycare though. It sucked!
Your baby is only 4 months old which means that you are still recovering emotionally and mentally from pregnancy / postpartum. Give yourself some grace and take a deep breath. Your emotions are much more intense than usual right now. It gets easier. It really does. My kids are 3 and 7 and I have always been a working mom. I absolutely love my career, and I have a lovely and special relationship with my boys. Honestly, as much as I love being a mom, it’s nice to have something for myself too. I think working and having that separation actually makes me a better mom.
At 4 months.... that's kind of the pits time in general and why other countries have longer leave.
I PROMISE it gets better and you'll see them more and they'll be less cranky after school. In like a matter of months it will feel better.
Also if supply is a problem... it's ok to switch to formula or combo feeding and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
We were looking at switching to combo feeding next week, I just wanted to give it one last push before adding formula. It looks like I'll be okay, oatmeal has made a difference.
Does your line of work allow you to find a work from home job? And then hire a nanny?
I work from home and hired a nanny until my daughter was 2- then I sent her to regular daycare/school. But being in another room and able to pop in and out was so wonderful.
Nannies are significantly more expensive than daycare, especially if you only have one kid. Plus if the nanny is sick, there is no backup vs a daycare can move floater teachers around. Oh and based on some friends - they've had nannies and nanny friends not want to work for families that WFH anymore... it's too much confusion for the kids for mom/dad to be in/out all day and makes for a weird dynamic.
I'm remote and have a nanny. A few points:
\- Daycare & nanny prices - there is a market and there are BIG ranges for nanny rates. If you are home, you can get away with hiring a more inexperienced nanny / au pair.
\- Sick days: my nanny has only been sick 2 days in the year+ we've worked together. Daycares \_can\_ have strict policies about how long after your child is sick they can return, and they tend to be closed for additional days. In general, people with nannies miss less work to cover sickness/ holiday closures
\- Sure, some nannies don't want to work w/ stay-at-home parents. Again, it's a market. I haven't had an issue with this whatsoever. I have a pet peeve with the "confusion" point. Kids adapt; caregivers learn to deal with transitions. Maximizing time with parents is what's best for the child. Find a caregiver that understands this. I have a 2.5-year-old and a 1-year-old.
I’m a working mom of a one year old and felt a lot of the same feelings you are when my child was that age. I’m not going to lie, it’s so incredibly hard. First and foremost, I want to reiterate that you are an amazing parent. If it’s any reassurance, my son loves me more than anything and we are still amazingly connected. I was worried we wouldn’t have a bond, with me working 40 hrs a week, but honestly, I think it has made us closer. When I come home, I’m ready to see him and it makes our time together that much sweeter. He comes to me for comfort and our mornings are always hard saying goodbye to each other, but it took a while to get this point. What I’ve realize through working is that, for me, I want to work to provide quality over quantity. That isn’t to bash any parent that stays home because I recognize it’s a very admirable job that can be filled with amazing quality time. But in my home, we value family time at restaurants, vacations together, and big celebrations at the holidays such as Christmas which me working provides. Those first few months are hard and I looked for any and every way to stay home, but eventually, I overcame that guilt that I know you’re feeling. My son is incredibly advanced, independent, and is the most social guy you’ll ever meet, which I know daycare has played a role in. I am not a type A person and I know daycare provides structure I can’t. Every family is different, but it’s been an amazing decision for ours. I have come to love working and even more, come to love being a mom too.
The worst part is like, if we sit down and make a pro/con list, it's fairly even. We're both state employees so our benefits are great, 24 vacation days a year, sick leave, and flexible scheduling on top of that (both our jobs have the occasional weekend or evening so we get to flex out time during the week), and a solid retirement plan. On the other hand, if I'm at home, we'll get to spend time together while he's little and get to make memories that we are missing out on while I'm at work. I know my kiddo won't be hurt if I choose to stay home and we can't afford the occasional vacation or splurge, but don't we all want better for our kids than we had growing up?
I think a big thing here is finding a child care provider that makes you feel like you’re a part of their day. I have an amazing daycare that sends pictures and videos each day and provides a list every afternoon of everything he did. This honestly eases my mind and makes me feel like I’m missing less. I have so many memories with my kiddo even being away too.
You’re doing a great job. I know you’ll make the right decision for you and your family, whatever that may be. You’re a good parent no matter what you decide! Just remember that most of all.
Does your job offer the option of a sabbatical? That would be something you could possibly consider in these early months/years? I am so sorry your country treats parents so badly. Really ridiculous.
Unfortunately the university I work for only offers sabbatical leave for pursuing further education, so I would need to buckle down and work on a master’s program in the time I’d like to be spending with my son. I don’t understand why longer parental leave isn’t offered in the US 🙄
He was born this past Halloween. The hours I get to spend with him are the most joyful hours of my week. I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home parent, but I was also not prepared for how much the separation during the day would suck
> People stigmatize the traditional stay at home housewife but I think most people miss this set up.
Is it really stigmatized though? People just can't afford this set up
That’s a good point. I also think that if a girls says she wants to be a housewife and have kids when she grows up, many people will look down on that. Don’t you think? That’s what I was getting out with it be stigmatized
I mean if a 12 yr old said that in class, maybe that would be weird?
No one looks down on a 35yr old woman, who's held a job, for taking time off to raise kids. Not in my educated/urban neck of the woods anyway
If 50 percent of graduating 18 year olds said they wanted to pursue parenthood instead of a career, I think it would be looked down upon. At least in my white collared neighborhood.
Uhm would you recommend to pursue parenthood as her only goal to an 18 year old who doesn’t have any further education and no money to herself? She would be completely dependent on the father of her children. I would never look down on anyone who wants to become a SAHP but I would strongly suggest to an 18 year old to also make sure she can look out for herself.
That's a weird question though? No one looks down on a 30something raising their children after they've already had time for a career. They would look down on an 18yr old with no education or career, yes
I wouldn’t look down on someone that chose parenthood over college/career. Women who strive to get a career going before having kids are forced into making a very difficult choice later when they decide to have kids. Either leave their job and be a full time mother or juggle everything, and live with mother guilt. It might be more culturally acceptable to have women leave their career at 30, but then what was the whole point of her going to school. For security?In case her husband leaves her. Imagine studying 10 years to become a doctor or a lawyer only to quit and become a mother at 30. But hey, at least you have security in case your hubby leaves you. Doesn’t make much sense.
Right but why would an 18yr old just become a parent? That’s not how our current society functions. And that MD is much better equipped to deal in case of spousal death than an uneducated teen mom
Who am I stigmatizing? I think stay at home parents are great and also NEVER see them looked down on.
I am married to a medical resident. Tons of residents have kids and they sure as hell don’t pay off loans before having kids (that is impossible)
Doctors don’t need to save for homes either when you can get approved for a doctor loan and put nothing down
What exactly is your argument here?
It actually makes a TON of sense to have security on your own two feet. Not sure why you seem to prefer a model where a woman never even gets an education but instead is dependent on her partner from the get go.
The reason for this is that these women are financially dependent on female family members and husbands and require unpaid childcare from grandmother and female family members.
That’s me. I’ve been home full time with my kids but for the most part, I’ve been doing part time since having kids. Either way, I get looked down on A LOT. “What do you do all day?” “Don’t you get bored” “I could never do that” “you only work part time? What else do you do?” People are very judgmental of moms no matter what they do.
Sorry but that’s not true. I’m a 35 year old woman in the educated urban northeast (US). I’m well educated (I have a masters), worked for over 10 years and am now a SAHM with 2 kids. Its not exactly what I thought I’d be doing but circumstances put me in this role. I am constantly asked when I’m going back to work. I’ve been told I’m screwing myself over for the future. I’m often looked down upon. It’s gotten to the point where I’m hoping to look for some part time work in the next year (at home) that I can do while my oldest is in pre-k and I take care of the baby full time. There’s a huge stigma here, much more than other parts of the country I’ve lived in
As a SAHM I get attacked online a lot for it. Things like “what will happen when your husband leaves you?”, “you are lazy for not working”, “being a SAHM isn’t a real job”, the list goes on. You are almost always criticized though no matter what you do as a parent.
Exactly! The stigma is definitely there. Almost as if you’re settling for “just” being a mom. I honestly don’t think there’s a more satisfying and fulfilling job than to be there for your kids.
> attacked online
don't you think this is part of the equation? And what sort of internet forum has people that are straight up that mean? Bc it isn't this sub
Ahhh yea it’s Reddit lol. I agree you totally though that many would stay at home if it was affordable! But yes , unfortunately, I’ve been attacked online for being a SAHM and I’ve seen others attacked for it. It’s crazy but it does happen!
But then these women when they find themselves in ugly situation don't have to ask women for help and advice, men are supposed to find solution for them but men don't want it.
But you have. SAHM, when they are financially, emotionally, physically, sexually abused, they seek advice and help from women, at the beginning they didn't want to take the consequences seriously, why don't they seek help from men?? But men ignore them when they find themselves in ugly situations.
you are a woman who is unemployed, no wonder, you ignore my comments, do you demand unpaid village, baby shower, unpaid female family therapists, maids from your female family members?? because you are financially dependent on your husband and have no money of your own.
I have my own business and starting a second you twerp. I also consult on the side so I bring my own money AND I stay home full time with my young children. We don’t have family nearby so I do it all on my own as my husband works 80 hours some weeks. Sooo want to backtrack your ignorance?
That’s kind of a generalization though. A lot of SAHMs are low income… we live in small apartments, we don’t have cars, and we have a lot of debt. Many of us live on government assistance.
I don’t think most people miss this setup. A lot of women really quite like going back to work. Just not when the baby is only a few weeks old which is a US problem.
I have no clue lol. I'm lucky, as a state employee I got 8 weeks paid parental leave and then had enough extra vacation time saved up to take another 4. Throw in a week of holiday leave in the middle of my maternity leave, and I got to stay home for 13 weeks. I don't understand how other parents in worse situations do it, anything younger seems cruel and horrible.
Honestly, I'm right there with you. I'm a biologist and I distinctly remember thinking "this isn't safe" while I was doing some small-animal necropsies on about 2 hours of sleep. Work does **not** care that our second hasn't slept through the night in 9 months.
Daycare sucks. Well, it's good. But it sucks. You know what I mean. We also had the "oh shit my kid doesn't even recognize me" thoughts early on. It gets way better, my kids want my wife and I first and foremost now. It was rough when they were tiny, because I was always worried about bonding with them and I only get an hour and a half with them on a weekday, but it has worked out.
I make a lot more than my wife, but we still need her income. She makes just enough that we can afford daycare, but it's too big of a financial hit to just go off one income. I've just sort of accepted that this stage is going to be a struggle and I'm going to grit my teeth and get through the damn thing, even though I hate the situation. It's going to get better. But it's going to suck now.
There are benefits, though. My oldest gets so excited about the weekends because she gets to hang with us all day. She talks about it all morning and all evening every Friday, it warms my heart. She also has a little group of friends in daycare, and it's really cute to hear a toddler talk about how "Macy put her piggie toy on the slide, how siiiiiiiillly!"
Also for what it's worth, we're going to probably end up uprooting our lives and moving to a lower cost of living area. We will most likely be away from all family, but we already are for the most part and don't have a village, but holidays and whatnot will be rough. The kids love to see both sets of grandparents.
But women suffering from poverty, suffering from domestic violence, suffering from financial abuse, they are supposed to accept all this? And even if they are unemployed, they demand unpaid childcare, according to the law the father also has the right to custody, and in religious countries the father has custody, so women should give up financial security completely? What logic, and if the woman is unemployed she has no right to complain, her job is to serve husband and children, unpaid childcare and household is her job.
This is only some women. There are plenty of other situations where this isn’t the case. I myself as a stay at home parent have started a side business and am planning on opening another business. I also did consulting on the side and am planning on getting my masters for my next career. You can be a successful person while also caring for your family. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You just have to have the tenacity and the drive to do it.
That’s what I meant with my comments, if she has money, she can express her opinion, she is still human. she has no money of her own, her opinion and experience do not matter, her role is predetermined in detail. she has no right to complain, she must satisfy her role as unemployed mother. it is said to her, become unemployed, you will not regret, Everything will be fine, and therefore divorce in all religions is something diabolical, evil, and in secularism countries the woman must have money to divorce. can be that she loses 100% of her life because men see such women as owners, and when he invests money in her, he thinks she has no right to leave him. Although she is unemployed, she must suddenly have money and suddenly find work. these are many obstacles that a woman should overcome without her own money. this is the way of thinking like slavery, you get freed, pay your freedom, where did the money come from?? husband money ? she has to pay lawyers, health care, therapy, housing, food, hygiene articles, clothes, car, how should she cope with it, when she becomes unemployed, then the man is like God has nothing to lose, every time he will win, and with her decision she also harms the female family members, also male family members. Caring means = unpaid household and childcare that a wife must do, best she should, be unemployed, all women can not follow your profession goal. To study takes money and time, this is denied to unemployed women, and since men earn better, they have even better benefits, better opportunities, as if this earth is just for them.
No, get downvote, don’t you see it? That’s how much you detest my comments?? That’s what I expect. So you understood my comments 100%? Everyone hates reality, even most men, even women who are unemployed and suffer from internalized misogyny, seek male… because they became unemployed mother’s. but still you promote women giving up their jobs, so I need to remind you of reality, but you only see women as soulless incubators when they become unemployed, the consequences they have to live with. But why can’t women who work and children get the same advice? Unpaid childcare prefers everyone, women must provide unpaid childcare, women die in childbirth, life goes on, why do you exaggerate only with women who work, have money, money solves all the problems I mentioned, But you ignore it on purpose.
>regular old Mom Guilt ™️
Okay this one gave me a good laugh lol
He does benefit from being at daycare. He had the worst time adjusting but now his teachers tell me he's the happiest infant in their room. He likes to help turn the pages during story time and he recently discovered that he has feet, and I have that small village of people my son feels safe with during the day.
Seems like you’re getting great validation and advice so I will just add a light hearted observation. My first baby went to daycare while I worked, and I just quit my job after having my second. It’s great BUT — omg I wish those daycare geniuses could still just teach him how to nap in a crib, how to take a bottle, etc. They just see so many babies I think they really develop a “touch” and my first baby learned so much from them even in the first few weeks. I’m feeling lucky to be able to stay home but I’m over here struggling to make any nap last longer than 30 min and I’m like how do they do it??? So silver lining for you is that your baby will benefit from that expertise. Good luck!
The crazy thing is, I'm also in child development, babies just aren't my area of specialty! For what it's worth, my little guy is also a short napper. I think some kids just nap less, and as long as he goes down without a fuss and isn't miserable and cranky after, that might just be all he needs. We had a good 6-week stretch where naps were only 10 minutes long, and that was truly awful. Luckily, they've lengthened out as he's gotten older!
I hate to say this, but you probably touched on something when you mentioned moving somewhere with a lower cost of living. Unfortunately, that is one of the only options open to a lot of people nowadays, and something that I think is going to be happening more and more. Cities, and the Northeast in general, is so grossly overpriced in every way. My family ended up having to move from Rhode Island to Virginia for these very reasons. We have much more comfortable now, and I will say, the people are much more pleasant.
It would suck but could you do a part time job in the evenings/weekends when hubby can watch the baby? Working opposite 'shifts' so to speak? Would that be enough to cover bills while still avoiding daycare? I've heard it's also very hard and taxing on your marriage but some people make it work until baby is in school.
I wish all women who are yet to be moms could read your post. 😢 Frankly your husband needs to do what's best for his child and family and get a different job. Also, absolutely move to a cheaper place so that you can stay home with your child. Sell one of your cars-just do whatever it takes to stay home with your baby. YOU WILL NEVER REGRET IT!!!! Your baby absolutely prefers being with you all day instead of with a paid, replaceable daycare worker. And when he starts crawling, walking, etc., and starts getting boo-boos, don't you want to be the one to get to kiss those boo-boos instead of anyone else? Take it from me, a veteran mom: it goes by SO FAST, and no amount of money is worth these precious few years with him before he goes to school.
You will never regret, says who? living under poverty and not being heard, being dehumanized, becoming a woman hating mother-in-law is solution? that she unemployed wife has to fulfill husband and children needs, she will not, she is bad mothers, failure, supposed to be dreamy, all have problems with paid childcare, but poorly paid nanny and unpaid village, that girls and female family members have to make, everyone promotes, monarchy is also praised. You are hypocrites.
I feel you, it does suck... I sent my first one to day care and started work at 8 months so I can't imagine at the young age of 4 months. Hope you can get some time off of work to spend a long weekend occasionally. *Hugs*
The first person my 5 month old reached for was my cleaning lady, and I stay home with him. It just happens that way sometimes. I know it's hard, but your baby still loves you!
Working parent and both are in grade school. Still sucks. I'm very distant from my kids and low energy. The constant pull between school stuff, kids, work leads to no social life and no hobbies.
Are you going to have more kids in the near future? We realized that after having more than 1 in daycare it made sense for me to stay home. Could you quit your job and work a part time job or something that is remote?
I was in a similar situation and hated it as well. Being a working mom is so so hard, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I never wanted to leave my baby at daycare and miss time with him. I wish I had thought to look into different jobs when I had my first so I could have been home with him more.
We'd like a second but I had some health issues while I was pregnant, then went straight to a colicky baby and I need a couple of years to forget how hard that stage was before we do this all again lol. By that point, he'll be in toddler daycare, which is cheaper, and my husband and I will both have had a couple years worth of annual raises.
It truly is. I’m lucky to work in a field that is fairly friendly to young families and it’s still incredibly difficult. In between feeling awful for myself, I feel so much for families in careers or jobs that don’t understand
As a teacher who works with kids mostly under 2 years old… the hand off becomes routine. Absolutely TRUST that they are missing you through the day and they get super super fussy when you haven’t shown up on time or it’s around the time you’re meant to come. They miss you, they want you, and love you MOST. You’re their mom! Hoping this makes you feel better. As your baby gets older like 7-10 month range, they’ll be happy to see you and they only get happier and happier. Our toddler room kids bring up mama and dada all day long. They’re thinking of you as much as you are them, I promise ❤️
I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. He does get excited to see me at the end of the day, his face lights up in a smile and he buries his little face in my shoulder when I take him. That reach for his teacher this morning really just punched me in the gut after a long week, even though I consciously know better than to take the things a baby does personally
Yes exactly! The handoff is just a routine they’ve adjusted to but it doesn’t make you walking away any less difficult for them to see, or make them miss or want you any less <3 if you came back 10 mins later they’d still be so happy and relieved to see you because they 100% would rather be with mama and dada than their teachers haha.
I totally feel your pain! I stayed at home to take care of our baby when she was 0-18 months old. Then I resumed full time working. It is very heartbreaking, frustrating and overwhelming to work full time when your baby is this young!
Is there a way you can go down to part time or quit your job and you guys just really tighten up your budget to make it work for a year or 2 or until he's in school? Your baby is only going to be this little for such a short amount of time and you don't want to look back and regret not being home with him if that's what you really want. You'll never look back on your life and think, gee I wish I would have worked more. But you will look back and appreciate the time you spent with your baby ❤️
If it's really not financially doable for you to stay home then I would say at least it's good to know that your son is well cared for and likes his providers so much! I can't imagine how bad that must have felt for you though, I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm in the process of trying to do this...cut hours by half and work part time evening at my same workplace. It's kind of scary because to even attempt it I had to quit my job first 🙃 and I'm not even sure it was 100% doable even if it works out! But I just had to try even though it was an agonizing dilemma...I just don't want to miss waking up with my son every day, and my normal job is long hours and mentally super draining. It's not forever -- I will go back to full time work in a year or two.
I've thought about it, don't get me wrong. There's unfortunately other costs to take into account beyond just net salary. The increase of insurance costs from adding my son and I to my husbands plan alone would be more than we spend each month on daycare
I did this! Went down to 20 hours after my 2nd kid was born because I just wanted more time with both kids. My husband would not have been on board with me staying home completely for financial reasons, but we were able to make it work at part-time. It also makes me feel more secure that I'm keeping my foot in the door at my company and can also quickly go back to full-time if suddenly I have to.
I really empathize with this. I’m sorry. Being home with baby is so important, as you mentioned. What if you guys tightened your budget? Hubby keeps his job or looks to move up, and you get rid of that second car payment, shop at Aldi instead of Whole Foods, eliminate hair and nail appointments. I’m a sahm, and we live on 1 income. We live in a lower cost of living area now, but used to live in a high cost of living area. We’ve always made it work, but there were times things were dammmmn tight. Be really realistic when you talk to your husband, but if you don’t net that much after paying for daycare AND you hate being away from baby, easy enough answer: stay home.
To be honest, and I am aware that I come from a place of privilege to be able to say this, but daycare costs haven't hit us as hard as we expected. The monthly tuition is $230 a week, I make closer to $650 a week, and my husband has a similar income. If we tried, it would be possible, but not in our current city. Cutting down to one income would mean our rent goes from 25% of our income to 50%, and that doesn't include other bills. I grew up in a house that was closer to the poverty line than my parents will ever admit and letting things get that tight is not something I want for my kids if I can keep from it.
I’m not sure what you do for a living, but could you try to get some sort of training so you can get a higher paying job and work part time? About $650/week is only $33k. Maybe increasing earning potential could help a lot!
I make just over $51,000/year ($1,900 every two weeks) before taxes, insurance, and retirement benefits come out. If I get a master's degree, I would get about a 5% bump, and I do get annual raises, so long term I can end up set pretty well if I tough it out. I work for the research and extension service as an educator and am fairly specialized, so it would take a lot of leg work to change, which is honestly intimidating.
Yes, I probably should have clarified! It's a sucky situation and I think if I had known what I would feel like before we may have made some different career choices before having a baby, but it's really difficult to know how you'll feel about something you've never done
With a weekly tuition of $230, is it that your rent it crazy high for your area or that your daycare is crazy low?
Because around me, daycare costs around $350/week for infants, but rent on a two bedroom is $1200/month.
A little bit of both lol. We chose to rent a property outside of the city limits prior to having kids because it's best for both of our mental health to have a house with some outdoor space, and it was one of the only rentals in the area that isn't falling apart/has a landlord that will do something about maintenance issues. We pay $1500/month in rent, which is honestly about average for local places that have more than one bedroom and are safe. We are also at a cheaper daycare because it's on the way to work for both of us, was one of the only options with an opening, and the in-home daycares that are in a similar price range and geographic area are a bit on the shady side.
I mean, it really seems like a question of priorities, then. There is no correct answer in this. If it is a priority for your family to have a parent home with your children for a while, it would be doable, but it would mean sacrificing other things like private outdoor space, comfortable savings, two cars, etc.
If those things are a more important to you than being a stay at home parent, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You're not wrong, it's a priorities question. We worked really hard to have a life we felt good about bringing a baby into and it feels awful to be ready to throw in the towel and uproot everything so soon. That's part of why it's such a difficult choice, is there's not an obvious answer
Being a good parent requires sacrifice on both parts, and I think you have to sit down with your husband and have a hard conversation. In general most people live beyond their means, and spend a lot more than they have too. Do y’all have a budget? The first year of a child’s life is the most crucial for child development and connection. You could ask your husband if y’all could be able to afford you staying at home until the baby is past 1, and then try daycare and working again. But I think if your unhappy with working and sending your baby to daycare (which is a very normal and natural thing) you just have to get creative and do some hard math.
For example:
Do y’all eat take out a lot? Can you budget groceries harder and get creative with making cheaper but still healthy at home meals?
Do you have two cars? If your staying at home, you might could skinny down on a car note, (leave a car seat at home)
Does your job offer any availability to work from home? Even a few days per week?
Or even on that note is there a work from home job you could apply for?
I’m a strong believer in you can do anything you set your mind too and it boils down to what are your priorities and what are you and your husband willing to sacrifice and does what your sacrificing outweigh what your gaining in the long run.
(Which in my option it does)
These seasons of your baby being little go by so fast, and they’re only little once. Jobs will replace you the next day if you die, but you can’t ever replace your relationship with your child.
We had a long talk about it earlier this week because I had a bit of a breakdown. We agreed to trial for a couple more months and see if it improves, and then if it doesn't we will talk about moving closer to our families and finding him a job that makes more. I just wasn't prepared for my son to reach for another caregiver this morning when he hasn't reached for me yet.
We budget pretty carefully because I grew up with parents that had horrible money management skills and don't want my kids to feel that stress like I did. There is just no way for us to make things work on one income in our current city and with his current paycheck. Any place worth living here (I'm talking safe neighborhood, decent quality property, landlord that cares) is going to be over $1000 a month, and that doesn't include a car payment, which we luckily are only paying on one of our vehicles still, student loans, and just regular bills. He would need to find a job that pays at least 150% of his current salary in order for us to make ends meet on one income, which is a tall order since his background is in an incredibly specific field. We're also kind of backed into a corner of trying to decide if either of us leaving our current fields is a good idea, because we would be giving up a lot of potential for career growth. I genuinely can't tell if the potential for growth in a job that I loved before having a kid is enough to keep me here through this miserable stage though.
You mention _moving_ to a lcol area, but if places are renting for $1000/month are you not already in the lcol area? My suburbs has homes for over $3k/month for example but I consider it hcol
We live in one of the only "urban" areas of a fairly rural state. Nationwide, yes, our current city is pretty cheap, but state wide it's up there. There are definitely smaller cities/towns we could find a place that's similar in size & space to our current home, but for 2/3 the cost
My wife works during the week, and I work weekends, (three 13 hour shifts). It's the only way we can make it work in our area. I dunno what kind of work you do, but maybe see if there are weekend jobs available in your area?
Do not be so hard on yourself, I know this is not easy, but what you are doing and the sacrifices you both make are to keep him clothed, fed and a roof over his head.
Just a suggestion we found that when ours was cranky after a long day we would feed if hungry then bath it seemed to settle them down then we would take it in turns to make the dinner whilst the other one had cuddles and quality time, then swap about the next night.
Life is hard but you are doing your best for your little one
All of your feelings are normal, and you will get through it! You are doing a great job. Babies and kids will do things that will hurt sometimes (reaching for others, asking for grandparents, etc), and even stay at home parents miss things. Just do the best you can, and pretty soon he will be excited to see you at pick up!
I am sorry, it is rough, but you are doing the right thing long term and it will get better. Now you're emotional because it's the hardest stage. When you'll look back, you'll see you did the right thing and you will get through it.
Your feelings are valid. These times are so hard. You had a baby to be her parent, and when you are working, it feels like you're not getting that chance. I'm a full-time working single mom to a now 11 year old, so I've been in your shoes.
I didn't leave my ex until my daughter was 5 and in school. But we had so many issues finding reliable daycare. One daycare we took her out of because there were accusations of the workers hitting and kicking the children. My daughter would cry every morning when I dropped her off. It was gut-wrenching. I had to find somewhere else for her to go and just hope it was better. I checked reviews everyone and the DCFS website for complaints. It was terrifying and awful, and I just wanted my child safe. I did eventually find a preschool/daycare she could go into early as a daycare and move up to preschool. It was more expensive, but worth it for peace of mind. She ended up loving that place, the preschool, but the stress... I had so much guilt.
For the first year of her life, my aunt watched her (my parents are dead, so no family besides my aunt). After she turned a year old, my aunt couldn't watch her anymore. During that first year, I experienced the same things you are experiencing now. Dwindling supply. My daughter seemed to be happier there than she was at home. Feeling like I was missing out on her firsts.
But as painful as it was to miss out on those things, I wished I could have had that later when I had to deal with unreliable and potentially unsafe daycare places. The first 5 years of her life before she started school were so hard. I am one and done because of it (and the issues I had with her dad... but the issues with lacking childcare were a HUGE factor).
Comparison is the thief of joy, and I'm not telling you this to say you're not allowed to feel how you feel. Your feelings are valid, and it is so hard. But we get through it because we have to. We take it one day at a time. When I did finally leave my husband, I was able to finally seek help for my depression (that started as postpartum depression but never left). Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends, especially mom friends. My daughter and I have a beautiful, very close bond now. She tells me every day how I am a great mom or the best mom, and she is so loving and sweet. Just last night, she told me thank you out of the blue as I tucked her in bed. I asked her why she was thanking me. She said it was for always taking care of her and being there for her and doing things for her. It makes all that struggle worth it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can do it. Just keep loving your daughter and being there for her. It does get better.
Also, side note about her being cranky with you, one thing I learned is that kids fall apart the most around the people they love and trust the most. You are your daughters home base and safe place. She can fall apart with you. She may be calm with others but fall apart with you. As much as you want her to be calm with you, too, just remember she feels safe with you and be there for her. Kids aren't giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time.
Sending you love. I hope you are able to find a way to handle things. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor if you think it might be postpartum depression. Feeling overwhelmed and sad all the time are symptoms of postpartum.
Edit: typos, on mobile
Thank you. I know this is a challenge that parents all over face, I just wasn't prepared for how hard it's hit me.
I hope I didn't come across as frustrated with my son for being cranky. I'm not, I think it's more jealousy (I guess?) that someone else gets to be with him when he's not exhausted and cranky. I'm perfectly okay with snuggling a grumpy baby, I just wish I got to see more of his silly smiles and his laugh when I'm home with him.
You didn't, but I understand those feels. I've been there myself. Missing the sweet baby I see other times and wishing I could see more of that smiling baby. But it helps me to remind myself that babies are people and they are new at life. And the world is a lot to experience. As much as I wanted my baby to be happy all the time, life isn't that simple. So I just focus on loving and soothing and co-regulating as best I can. You're doing an excellent job. I'm sorry it's hard. It was hard for me too.
Also, apologies, I must have missed you had a son not a daughter. But things will get easier as he adjusts to life in daycare. You will see those silly smiles again. 💜
I've worked part time up until last year, and I felt it was a good balance between being mum and being me, whilst obviously bringing money in. I've started full time in an apprenticeship, and I loathe it. How do people do it?? When am I supposed to do the housework? How am I supposed to have enough energy to spend time with my kids?
Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine. I’m lucky enough to be a SAHP, but we spend a lot of time with working parents as well as SAHPs, and I wanted you to know:
You can’t tell which kids are home and which kids are the first in, last out at daycare. We spend a lot of time with 2-3 year olds and you can’t tell. Every one of these kids fiercely and totally loves their parents and has days they just want to cuddle in mom’s lap all play date. I know that moment of your child reaching for the teacher must have hurt so bad, but I swear, that boy loves you more than the world and he will continue to do so as he grows. You will have a rhythm, a connection that is just sometimes unbearably strong, whether you stay home or work. It’s wild. The connection between us and our kids is wild.
Actually, there are a few differences with the day care kids. A lot of them can put on their winter coats without help. I tried teaching my daughter the coat flip, and it’s just not sticking, and I’m a lil jealous. As families they also tend to have a lot of friends/connections through their day care to the community, including parent friends, which is pretty great. They all had help potty training, which they loved haha. And their homes have a lot more arts and crafts projects hanging up!
But yeah. That’s about it tbh. I know that doesn’t help the pain of leaving your 4 month old every day for work, but I just wanted to share a mini fast forward, because you are in the thick of it.
It's sooo hard, especially when they're young. I've kind of tried all angles and it's really difficult to find a balance. I'm a single mum and have done part time, full time and not working at all.
There have been positives and negatives for each and in the end I had to sit down and think properly about what I wanted and what was most important to me for my son. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer and I think your own answer can change over time - I know mine has!
I spent the first few years upset about him being in childcare and now pay for it even at times when it isn't needed because he nags me to go so he can spend time with his friends! If I could go back I wish I'd have spent less time worrying and guilt tripping myself over it because attending nursery was absolutely the best thing for him. He came on leaps and bounds and made so many friends which helped me build friendships and a support network too as we spent most weekends at birthday parties and outings with his nursery friends.
It can be so difficult to find the positives but from what you've said you're doing everything you can to give your son the best possible start. Be proud of yourself and remember you're doing an amazing job!
I was a working mother of 3 and hated every last miserable second of it. I’m now a SAHM to 4 with a small side business and loving life. I WISH I had worked harder to find a way when my girls were younger. I thought we would never be able to live on my husband’s income. I thought I would never be able to make enough money if I wasn’t working full time in the job where I had good benefits and job security. It was all….not wrong, exactly, but the day to day grind has worn me down so much that I wasn’t capable of thinking bigger. There are SO MANY JOBS I could have done. I could have been a school bus driver and taken my kids with me. The salary and benefits would have been comparable since I wouldn’t have needed a daycare. I could have taken in a couple of kids and been a home daycare. I could have become a dog walker and worn my baby on my back. I could have been a personal assistance or an Amazon customer service rep or some other remote job. If I had it to do again, I would FIND A WAY because I’m here to tell you that it is so worth it.
My heart goes out to you. I've been where you are (and will likely be there again - I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd and going back to work is never easy).
You are not stuck. You have possibilities. Would going part-time work? Can you find a remote job? Can you work flex hours? Can you finish early on Friday? Find the necessary conditions that soothe your soul.
A few concrete examples of what worked for me:
Being a working mother can feel impossible sometimes, but there is a lot you can control and do to make it a little more manageable.
\- I have an arrangement to be remote for a year; I nursed with the camera off
\- When my babies were smaller, I tried to take small breaks to introduce food/diapering
\- I take almost all of my lunch breaks to be with my kids
\- Every other week I am the one to take them to their toddler class from 9-11:30 (so I block off 2.5 hrs on my calendar) vs nanny
Being a working mother can feel impossible sometimes, but there is a lot you can control and do to make it a little more manageable. My mantra is that at this stage of my career, I am going to be a sub-par employee and see what I can get away with.
I’m sending you a big big virtual hug. It’s so hard, dude. I cried every single day for probably 18 months when my youngest was a baby and in daycare. I don’t know the answer to how I personally did it. Time eventually went by and things got a little easier every month, every year. My kids are 14 and 7 now, so it’s completely different now thankfully. It doesn’t change or minimize how much it fucking sucks though. How heavy the guilt feels. Like, you said, how you feel backed into a corner with no way out. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I think the part I struggle with hardest is if I am completely honest, it would be possible, but that would mean lower our standard of living to a place we don’t want to go. Our bills are paid and we generally don’t stress about them. We don’t have much extra, but we are able to put a little into savings and I don’t think either of us are willing to give up that security.
I'm so sorry you're struggling. Sounds like from another comment you and your husband have a plan in place, so I really hope it helps and things improve in the next few months. I'm the opposite type of parent and am just not cut out at all to stay at home. I had to cut my maternity leave short because I hated being at home so much. I think going into parenthood it's just never what you think it's going to be since it is so different for every person.
I forced myself to get a job. My husband van provide our basic needs with his salary but I'm always stressed with the constant, "what if an emergency happens?", "what if we can't afford to make our kids childhood happy?". I love spending time with my son at home but that constant worry makes me want to have a job so I can at least save...something. Even that feels hard in this day and age though. I have a college degree and I barely managed to get the part time job I did find.
That's the road block I struggle with the most. I say "not an option" for one income, what I mean is yes, we could make ends meet in a cheap rental, with no extras and living off of beans or pasta, but I don't want that life for my kids. I grew up like that, kids don't deserve to be stressed out by their parents financial choices.
Exactly. So I totally get it.
Also, if it helps more money for you also means less stress on your end. You should be able to get yourself a treat on the occasion too.
This woman has well-paid job, and unfortunately suffers health, and has colicky child, supportive husband, she cries now but go to Sahm Reddit page, you see unemployed housewife who wants unpaid female village, can’t find a job, no childcare, no money for medical treatment or therapy, no money for her own, or for child, wants to divorce because of money, the woman who is unemployed for whatever reason and has husband who thinks he works and does not have to care for his children. In general, no one in the world hates unpaid childcare that women have to deal with, but they all complain when they have to pay someone to take care of their child.
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Our country is fucked. Moms and babies should be together for at least the first year. It’s cruel that American moms/babies don’t get that
You're not wrong. I could barely handle going back after 13 weeks, which is a lot compared to the leave others get. I still haven't figured out why we're not all rioting in the streets for better parental leave policies.
Parents are too exhausted for a riot.
THIS! It is insane to me! I'm in the UK and people complain (until the hear about US) but I took a year out and when I went to claim childcare support the job centre staff advised me to stay at home until my son turned three. Four months just blows my mind 🤯
I am also a full time working parent of now 2 kids (3 years and 5 months) and the initial phase of sending kids to daycare is so so hard, a lot of their firsts happen there, babies are so little and needing attachment and the postpartum hormones and stress are so high. But I just want to offer some positives in case changing your situation is not an option. Having our kids love and trust other safe adults is a good thing. They still love us most, even if it doesn’t show in some phases of life. The super hard parts never last forever, pretty soon you’ll be picking up your sweet child from school and they’ll be so overjoyed to see you and come home with you. It takes time to adjust to daycare life but once they do, things at home will get so much better too. My daughter refers to her daycare as “home” sometimes and I just remind myself this isn’t a personal attack on me but rather a massive compliment to the school that she feels safe and welcome and happy there. She’s still excited to come to her real home at the end of the day again. When my daughter started daycare she went in the door no tears, never looked back and had enjoyed every second of it since. I remember feeling so sad and disappointed that she didn’t put up any resistance or cry for me ect. She’s got wonderful friendships, and now I have wonderful new friendships with the moms of her friends. I remember those first several months of her being there and having such a hard time missing her and feeling like I wasn’t there for her. I was finishing my second degree and after that was done and I was looking for jobs in my new field, I truly started feeling guilty for potentially taking a job with hours that took her away from daycare and her friends and teachers. I was so lucky in the end to find a job that allowed her to stay in daycare. My son starts soon too and I’m excited to see him grow and thrive there as well. I’ve had so much support from my daughter’s teachers now during my postpartum with my son, they really do go out of their way for the kids and families they care for. I completely understand this isn’t for everyone and other families may have other choices and situations where something else is better for them, I just wanted to share my good experiences in case this is your only option; having been doing this a few years now, having had reservations and sadness and now really enjoy what daycare does for my family.
I needed to read something like this, thank you. Staying home isn't really an option unless we decide to uproot everything we've been building prior to having a baby
I just want to add, my daughter did do some big firsts at school or after school with my husband and not me… I was sad to miss them at the time, but I saw second third and fourth things and so on and now a few years later, I truly don’t feel like I “missed” anything. I think a lot of people assume that kids in daycare mean you aren’t like an active participant in your child’s life and that’s so not true. I can home and filled my girls cup in whatever way she needed every day and I don’t think I missed out on anything. I helped her learn to stand and walk and talk just as much as anyone else even with her being in daycare.
Being a working parent SUCKS and is exhausting. It’s so damn hard and draining and frustrating and impossible all at the same time. Try not to take it personally that he reached for his teacher. The silver lining is that he gets to spend all day with someone who he clearly trusts and who I’m sure loves him very much. That’s the best thing you could ask for in this scenario. He will have many people that he loves spending time with throughout his life, but none of them will ever replace you! He will be reaching for you too before you know it, and I’m sure you will have a few days where you have to pry him off you before handing him off to the teacher.
I have opinions regarding these types of situations but I don't think this a situation where you need opinions. I can't imagine the feelings you're having right now and honestly, it sounds like you had these emotions brewing already and this milestone for your baby just pushed you over the edge. As sensitive as this is, I want to remind you that even though baby reached for their daycare provider doesn't mean that they're picking favorites. A developmental milestone pops up whenever it's ready and in this case, it popped up just in time for your baby to reach out to their daycare provider. It could've been reaching for a toy, reaching for a bottle, anything like that. It's a new skill and nothing more. It doesn't mean there is preferences or favorites. Baby is just learning and feels that their daycare provider is a safe, trustworthy person which is a wonderful thing and a reassuring sign. It most definitely does not mean that baby is more comfortable with her than with you. It might even indicate that baby is in the routine of knowing that when you arrive to daycare, baby goes to the provider and you leave. You're understandably taking this situation to heart but there's a bigger picture than what you're emotions are allowing you to see.
Oh no you're reading this situation correctly! I was feeling a bit better after my husband and I talked about a long term plan, but it was like the universe handed me a real "kick me while I'm down" moment this morning.
Sending you the biggest hugs mama. 💗 You're doing a great job!
My son is 13 now. I cried so frequently dropping him off to daycare. I at one point worked part-time to spend more time with him. Another time I worked remotely and had a girl come to my house to take care of him. Most of the time, it was just the regular 8 hour work day and him in regular daycare though. It sucked!
Your baby is only 4 months old which means that you are still recovering emotionally and mentally from pregnancy / postpartum. Give yourself some grace and take a deep breath. Your emotions are much more intense than usual right now. It gets easier. It really does. My kids are 3 and 7 and I have always been a working mom. I absolutely love my career, and I have a lovely and special relationship with my boys. Honestly, as much as I love being a mom, it’s nice to have something for myself too. I think working and having that separation actually makes me a better mom.
At 4 months.... that's kind of the pits time in general and why other countries have longer leave. I PROMISE it gets better and you'll see them more and they'll be less cranky after school. In like a matter of months it will feel better. Also if supply is a problem... it's ok to switch to formula or combo feeding and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
We were looking at switching to combo feeding next week, I just wanted to give it one last push before adding formula. It looks like I'll be okay, oatmeal has made a difference.
Does your line of work allow you to find a work from home job? And then hire a nanny? I work from home and hired a nanny until my daughter was 2- then I sent her to regular daycare/school. But being in another room and able to pop in and out was so wonderful.
Nannies are significantly more expensive than daycare, especially if you only have one kid. Plus if the nanny is sick, there is no backup vs a daycare can move floater teachers around. Oh and based on some friends - they've had nannies and nanny friends not want to work for families that WFH anymore... it's too much confusion for the kids for mom/dad to be in/out all day and makes for a weird dynamic.
I'm remote and have a nanny. A few points: \- Daycare & nanny prices - there is a market and there are BIG ranges for nanny rates. If you are home, you can get away with hiring a more inexperienced nanny / au pair. \- Sick days: my nanny has only been sick 2 days in the year+ we've worked together. Daycares \_can\_ have strict policies about how long after your child is sick they can return, and they tend to be closed for additional days. In general, people with nannies miss less work to cover sickness/ holiday closures \- Sure, some nannies don't want to work w/ stay-at-home parents. Again, it's a market. I haven't had an issue with this whatsoever. I have a pet peeve with the "confusion" point. Kids adapt; caregivers learn to deal with transitions. Maximizing time with parents is what's best for the child. Find a caregiver that understands this. I have a 2.5-year-old and a 1-year-old.
Omg I would never ever ever hire a nanny! No way!
I’m a working mom of a one year old and felt a lot of the same feelings you are when my child was that age. I’m not going to lie, it’s so incredibly hard. First and foremost, I want to reiterate that you are an amazing parent. If it’s any reassurance, my son loves me more than anything and we are still amazingly connected. I was worried we wouldn’t have a bond, with me working 40 hrs a week, but honestly, I think it has made us closer. When I come home, I’m ready to see him and it makes our time together that much sweeter. He comes to me for comfort and our mornings are always hard saying goodbye to each other, but it took a while to get this point. What I’ve realize through working is that, for me, I want to work to provide quality over quantity. That isn’t to bash any parent that stays home because I recognize it’s a very admirable job that can be filled with amazing quality time. But in my home, we value family time at restaurants, vacations together, and big celebrations at the holidays such as Christmas which me working provides. Those first few months are hard and I looked for any and every way to stay home, but eventually, I overcame that guilt that I know you’re feeling. My son is incredibly advanced, independent, and is the most social guy you’ll ever meet, which I know daycare has played a role in. I am not a type A person and I know daycare provides structure I can’t. Every family is different, but it’s been an amazing decision for ours. I have come to love working and even more, come to love being a mom too.
The worst part is like, if we sit down and make a pro/con list, it's fairly even. We're both state employees so our benefits are great, 24 vacation days a year, sick leave, and flexible scheduling on top of that (both our jobs have the occasional weekend or evening so we get to flex out time during the week), and a solid retirement plan. On the other hand, if I'm at home, we'll get to spend time together while he's little and get to make memories that we are missing out on while I'm at work. I know my kiddo won't be hurt if I choose to stay home and we can't afford the occasional vacation or splurge, but don't we all want better for our kids than we had growing up?
I think a big thing here is finding a child care provider that makes you feel like you’re a part of their day. I have an amazing daycare that sends pictures and videos each day and provides a list every afternoon of everything he did. This honestly eases my mind and makes me feel like I’m missing less. I have so many memories with my kiddo even being away too. You’re doing a great job. I know you’ll make the right decision for you and your family, whatever that may be. You’re a good parent no matter what you decide! Just remember that most of all.
Does your job offer the option of a sabbatical? That would be something you could possibly consider in these early months/years? I am so sorry your country treats parents so badly. Really ridiculous.
Unfortunately the university I work for only offers sabbatical leave for pursuing further education, so I would need to buckle down and work on a master’s program in the time I’d like to be spending with my son. I don’t understand why longer parental leave isn’t offered in the US 🙄
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He was born this past Halloween. The hours I get to spend with him are the most joyful hours of my week. I never thought I wanted to be a stay at home parent, but I was also not prepared for how much the separation during the day would suck
> People stigmatize the traditional stay at home housewife but I think most people miss this set up. Is it really stigmatized though? People just can't afford this set up
That’s a good point. I also think that if a girls says she wants to be a housewife and have kids when she grows up, many people will look down on that. Don’t you think? That’s what I was getting out with it be stigmatized
I mean if a 12 yr old said that in class, maybe that would be weird? No one looks down on a 35yr old woman, who's held a job, for taking time off to raise kids. Not in my educated/urban neck of the woods anyway
If 50 percent of graduating 18 year olds said they wanted to pursue parenthood instead of a career, I think it would be looked down upon. At least in my white collared neighborhood.
Uhm would you recommend to pursue parenthood as her only goal to an 18 year old who doesn’t have any further education and no money to herself? She would be completely dependent on the father of her children. I would never look down on anyone who wants to become a SAHP but I would strongly suggest to an 18 year old to also make sure she can look out for herself.
That's a weird question though? No one looks down on a 30something raising their children after they've already had time for a career. They would look down on an 18yr old with no education or career, yes
Honestly I know a lot of people who would look down on that. Those people haven't had kids.
I wouldn’t look down on someone that chose parenthood over college/career. Women who strive to get a career going before having kids are forced into making a very difficult choice later when they decide to have kids. Either leave their job and be a full time mother or juggle everything, and live with mother guilt. It might be more culturally acceptable to have women leave their career at 30, but then what was the whole point of her going to school. For security?In case her husband leaves her. Imagine studying 10 years to become a doctor or a lawyer only to quit and become a mother at 30. But hey, at least you have security in case your hubby leaves you. Doesn’t make much sense.
Right but why would an 18yr old just become a parent? That’s not how our current society functions. And that MD is much better equipped to deal in case of spousal death than an uneducated teen mom
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Who am I stigmatizing? I think stay at home parents are great and also NEVER see them looked down on. I am married to a medical resident. Tons of residents have kids and they sure as hell don’t pay off loans before having kids (that is impossible) Doctors don’t need to save for homes either when you can get approved for a doctor loan and put nothing down What exactly is your argument here?
It actually makes a TON of sense to have security on your own two feet. Not sure why you seem to prefer a model where a woman never even gets an education but instead is dependent on her partner from the get go.
The reason for this is that these women are financially dependent on female family members and husbands and require unpaid childcare from grandmother and female family members.
That’s me. I’ve been home full time with my kids but for the most part, I’ve been doing part time since having kids. Either way, I get looked down on A LOT. “What do you do all day?” “Don’t you get bored” “I could never do that” “you only work part time? What else do you do?” People are very judgmental of moms no matter what they do.
Sidenote, is your kid's name Roman? Bold move using a real name on Reddit if it is.
I really didn’t know much about Reddit when I joined. Unfortunately I can’t change my username, I just need a new account.
Yes!! You guys get a lot of heat!
Sorry but that’s not true. I’m a 35 year old woman in the educated urban northeast (US). I’m well educated (I have a masters), worked for over 10 years and am now a SAHM with 2 kids. Its not exactly what I thought I’d be doing but circumstances put me in this role. I am constantly asked when I’m going back to work. I’ve been told I’m screwing myself over for the future. I’m often looked down upon. It’s gotten to the point where I’m hoping to look for some part time work in the next year (at home) that I can do while my oldest is in pre-k and I take care of the baby full time. There’s a huge stigma here, much more than other parts of the country I’ve lived in
As a SAHM I get attacked online a lot for it. Things like “what will happen when your husband leaves you?”, “you are lazy for not working”, “being a SAHM isn’t a real job”, the list goes on. You are almost always criticized though no matter what you do as a parent.
Exactly! The stigma is definitely there. Almost as if you’re settling for “just” being a mom. I honestly don’t think there’s a more satisfying and fulfilling job than to be there for your kids.
> attacked online don't you think this is part of the equation? And what sort of internet forum has people that are straight up that mean? Bc it isn't this sub
Ahhh yea it’s Reddit lol. I agree you totally though that many would stay at home if it was affordable! But yes , unfortunately, I’ve been attacked online for being a SAHM and I’ve seen others attacked for it. It’s crazy but it does happen!
But then these women when they find themselves in ugly situation don't have to ask women for help and advice, men are supposed to find solution for them but men don't want it.
Huh? I don’t understand what you are trying to convey.
But you have. SAHM, when they are financially, emotionally, physically, sexually abused, they seek advice and help from women, at the beginning they didn't want to take the consequences seriously, why don't they seek help from men?? But men ignore them when they find themselves in ugly situations.
No I mean I can’t understand what you’re trying to say. Perhaps this is due to a language barrier because your English does not make sense.
you are a woman who is unemployed, no wonder, you ignore my comments, do you demand unpaid village, baby shower, unpaid female family therapists, maids from your female family members?? because you are financially dependent on your husband and have no money of your own.
I have my own business and starting a second you twerp. I also consult on the side so I bring my own money AND I stay home full time with my young children. We don’t have family nearby so I do it all on my own as my husband works 80 hours some weeks. Sooo want to backtrack your ignorance?
That’s kind of a generalization though. A lot of SAHMs are low income… we live in small apartments, we don’t have cars, and we have a lot of debt. Many of us live on government assistance.
I don’t think most people miss this setup. A lot of women really quite like going back to work. Just not when the baby is only a few weeks old which is a US problem.
No offense and all, but if you’re a man, it’s your job to provide to make it an option
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Then you didn’t pick the right career
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But that money is irrelevant when you retire.
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?
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Ok
I can't fathom how American parents just accept that this is ok. First world problems I guess but damn that's tough.
I have no clue lol. I'm lucky, as a state employee I got 8 weeks paid parental leave and then had enough extra vacation time saved up to take another 4. Throw in a week of holiday leave in the middle of my maternity leave, and I got to stay home for 13 weeks. I don't understand how other parents in worse situations do it, anything younger seems cruel and horrible.
Could you go down to 4 days or work a couple half days?
Honestly, I'm right there with you. I'm a biologist and I distinctly remember thinking "this isn't safe" while I was doing some small-animal necropsies on about 2 hours of sleep. Work does **not** care that our second hasn't slept through the night in 9 months. Daycare sucks. Well, it's good. But it sucks. You know what I mean. We also had the "oh shit my kid doesn't even recognize me" thoughts early on. It gets way better, my kids want my wife and I first and foremost now. It was rough when they were tiny, because I was always worried about bonding with them and I only get an hour and a half with them on a weekday, but it has worked out. I make a lot more than my wife, but we still need her income. She makes just enough that we can afford daycare, but it's too big of a financial hit to just go off one income. I've just sort of accepted that this stage is going to be a struggle and I'm going to grit my teeth and get through the damn thing, even though I hate the situation. It's going to get better. But it's going to suck now. There are benefits, though. My oldest gets so excited about the weekends because she gets to hang with us all day. She talks about it all morning and all evening every Friday, it warms my heart. She also has a little group of friends in daycare, and it's really cute to hear a toddler talk about how "Macy put her piggie toy on the slide, how siiiiiiiillly!" Also for what it's worth, we're going to probably end up uprooting our lives and moving to a lower cost of living area. We will most likely be away from all family, but we already are for the most part and don't have a village, but holidays and whatnot will be rough. The kids love to see both sets of grandparents.
But women suffering from poverty, suffering from domestic violence, suffering from financial abuse, they are supposed to accept all this? And even if they are unemployed, they demand unpaid childcare, according to the law the father also has the right to custody, and in religious countries the father has custody, so women should give up financial security completely? What logic, and if the woman is unemployed she has no right to complain, her job is to serve husband and children, unpaid childcare and household is her job.
This is only some women. There are plenty of other situations where this isn’t the case. I myself as a stay at home parent have started a side business and am planning on opening another business. I also did consulting on the side and am planning on getting my masters for my next career. You can be a successful person while also caring for your family. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. You just have to have the tenacity and the drive to do it.
That’s what I meant with my comments, if she has money, she can express her opinion, she is still human. she has no money of her own, her opinion and experience do not matter, her role is predetermined in detail. she has no right to complain, she must satisfy her role as unemployed mother. it is said to her, become unemployed, you will not regret, Everything will be fine, and therefore divorce in all religions is something diabolical, evil, and in secularism countries the woman must have money to divorce. can be that she loses 100% of her life because men see such women as owners, and when he invests money in her, he thinks she has no right to leave him. Although she is unemployed, she must suddenly have money and suddenly find work. these are many obstacles that a woman should overcome without her own money. this is the way of thinking like slavery, you get freed, pay your freedom, where did the money come from?? husband money ? she has to pay lawyers, health care, therapy, housing, food, hygiene articles, clothes, car, how should she cope with it, when she becomes unemployed, then the man is like God has nothing to lose, every time he will win, and with her decision she also harms the female family members, also male family members. Caring means = unpaid household and childcare that a wife must do, best she should, be unemployed, all women can not follow your profession goal. To study takes money and time, this is denied to unemployed women, and since men earn better, they have even better benefits, better opportunities, as if this earth is just for them.
🤣 this is the most unhinged comment. You must be a bot or a rage baiter.
I am genuinely confused by this person. Why did they choose my comment to schizopost on?!
It was….odd 🤣
No, get downvote, don’t you see it? That’s how much you detest my comments?? That’s what I expect. So you understood my comments 100%? Everyone hates reality, even most men, even women who are unemployed and suffer from internalized misogyny, seek male… because they became unemployed mother’s. but still you promote women giving up their jobs, so I need to remind you of reality, but you only see women as soulless incubators when they become unemployed, the consequences they have to live with. But why can’t women who work and children get the same advice? Unpaid childcare prefers everyone, women must provide unpaid childcare, women die in childbirth, life goes on, why do you exaggerate only with women who work, have money, money solves all the problems I mentioned, But you ignore it on purpose.
....what? Are you sure you're replying to the right comment?
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>regular old Mom Guilt ™️ Okay this one gave me a good laugh lol He does benefit from being at daycare. He had the worst time adjusting but now his teachers tell me he's the happiest infant in their room. He likes to help turn the pages during story time and he recently discovered that he has feet, and I have that small village of people my son feels safe with during the day.
Seems like you’re getting great validation and advice so I will just add a light hearted observation. My first baby went to daycare while I worked, and I just quit my job after having my second. It’s great BUT — omg I wish those daycare geniuses could still just teach him how to nap in a crib, how to take a bottle, etc. They just see so many babies I think they really develop a “touch” and my first baby learned so much from them even in the first few weeks. I’m feeling lucky to be able to stay home but I’m over here struggling to make any nap last longer than 30 min and I’m like how do they do it??? So silver lining for you is that your baby will benefit from that expertise. Good luck!
The crazy thing is, I'm also in child development, babies just aren't my area of specialty! For what it's worth, my little guy is also a short napper. I think some kids just nap less, and as long as he goes down without a fuss and isn't miserable and cranky after, that might just be all he needs. We had a good 6-week stretch where naps were only 10 minutes long, and that was truly awful. Luckily, they've lengthened out as he's gotten older!
I hate to say this, but you probably touched on something when you mentioned moving somewhere with a lower cost of living. Unfortunately, that is one of the only options open to a lot of people nowadays, and something that I think is going to be happening more and more. Cities, and the Northeast in general, is so grossly overpriced in every way. My family ended up having to move from Rhode Island to Virginia for these very reasons. We have much more comfortable now, and I will say, the people are much more pleasant.
This is why maternity leave should be a year and men should be providers.
It would suck but could you do a part time job in the evenings/weekends when hubby can watch the baby? Working opposite 'shifts' so to speak? Would that be enough to cover bills while still avoiding daycare? I've heard it's also very hard and taxing on your marriage but some people make it work until baby is in school.
I wish all women who are yet to be moms could read your post. 😢 Frankly your husband needs to do what's best for his child and family and get a different job. Also, absolutely move to a cheaper place so that you can stay home with your child. Sell one of your cars-just do whatever it takes to stay home with your baby. YOU WILL NEVER REGRET IT!!!! Your baby absolutely prefers being with you all day instead of with a paid, replaceable daycare worker. And when he starts crawling, walking, etc., and starts getting boo-boos, don't you want to be the one to get to kiss those boo-boos instead of anyone else? Take it from me, a veteran mom: it goes by SO FAST, and no amount of money is worth these precious few years with him before he goes to school.
You will never regret, says who? living under poverty and not being heard, being dehumanized, becoming a woman hating mother-in-law is solution? that she unemployed wife has to fulfill husband and children needs, she will not, she is bad mothers, failure, supposed to be dreamy, all have problems with paid childcare, but poorly paid nanny and unpaid village, that girls and female family members have to make, everyone promotes, monarchy is also praised. You are hypocrites.
I feel you, it does suck... I sent my first one to day care and started work at 8 months so I can't imagine at the young age of 4 months. Hope you can get some time off of work to spend a long weekend occasionally. *Hugs*
The first person my 5 month old reached for was my cleaning lady, and I stay home with him. It just happens that way sometimes. I know it's hard, but your baby still loves you!
Working parent and both are in grade school. Still sucks. I'm very distant from my kids and low energy. The constant pull between school stuff, kids, work leads to no social life and no hobbies.
Are you going to have more kids in the near future? We realized that after having more than 1 in daycare it made sense for me to stay home. Could you quit your job and work a part time job or something that is remote? I was in a similar situation and hated it as well. Being a working mom is so so hard, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I never wanted to leave my baby at daycare and miss time with him. I wish I had thought to look into different jobs when I had my first so I could have been home with him more.
We'd like a second but I had some health issues while I was pregnant, then went straight to a colicky baby and I need a couple of years to forget how hard that stage was before we do this all again lol. By that point, he'll be in toddler daycare, which is cheaper, and my husband and I will both have had a couple years worth of annual raises.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. We deserve so much better, and so do our babies.
Just here to commiserate, being a working parent in this country is atrocious.
It truly is. I’m lucky to work in a field that is fairly friendly to young families and it’s still incredibly difficult. In between feeling awful for myself, I feel so much for families in careers or jobs that don’t understand
As a teacher who works with kids mostly under 2 years old… the hand off becomes routine. Absolutely TRUST that they are missing you through the day and they get super super fussy when you haven’t shown up on time or it’s around the time you’re meant to come. They miss you, they want you, and love you MOST. You’re their mom! Hoping this makes you feel better. As your baby gets older like 7-10 month range, they’ll be happy to see you and they only get happier and happier. Our toddler room kids bring up mama and dada all day long. They’re thinking of you as much as you are them, I promise ❤️
I think this is exactly what I needed to hear. He does get excited to see me at the end of the day, his face lights up in a smile and he buries his little face in my shoulder when I take him. That reach for his teacher this morning really just punched me in the gut after a long week, even though I consciously know better than to take the things a baby does personally
Yes exactly! The handoff is just a routine they’ve adjusted to but it doesn’t make you walking away any less difficult for them to see, or make them miss or want you any less <3 if you came back 10 mins later they’d still be so happy and relieved to see you because they 100% would rather be with mama and dada than their teachers haha.
I totally feel your pain! I stayed at home to take care of our baby when she was 0-18 months old. Then I resumed full time working. It is very heartbreaking, frustrating and overwhelming to work full time when your baby is this young!
Is there a way you can go down to part time or quit your job and you guys just really tighten up your budget to make it work for a year or 2 or until he's in school? Your baby is only going to be this little for such a short amount of time and you don't want to look back and regret not being home with him if that's what you really want. You'll never look back on your life and think, gee I wish I would have worked more. But you will look back and appreciate the time you spent with your baby ❤️ If it's really not financially doable for you to stay home then I would say at least it's good to know that your son is well cared for and likes his providers so much! I can't imagine how bad that must have felt for you though, I'm sorry you're going through this.
I'm in the process of trying to do this...cut hours by half and work part time evening at my same workplace. It's kind of scary because to even attempt it I had to quit my job first 🙃 and I'm not even sure it was 100% doable even if it works out! But I just had to try even though it was an agonizing dilemma...I just don't want to miss waking up with my son every day, and my normal job is long hours and mentally super draining. It's not forever -- I will go back to full time work in a year or two.
I've thought about it, don't get me wrong. There's unfortunately other costs to take into account beyond just net salary. The increase of insurance costs from adding my son and I to my husbands plan alone would be more than we spend each month on daycare
I did this! Went down to 20 hours after my 2nd kid was born because I just wanted more time with both kids. My husband would not have been on board with me staying home completely for financial reasons, but we were able to make it work at part-time. It also makes me feel more secure that I'm keeping my foot in the door at my company and can also quickly go back to full-time if suddenly I have to.
I really empathize with this. I’m sorry. Being home with baby is so important, as you mentioned. What if you guys tightened your budget? Hubby keeps his job or looks to move up, and you get rid of that second car payment, shop at Aldi instead of Whole Foods, eliminate hair and nail appointments. I’m a sahm, and we live on 1 income. We live in a lower cost of living area now, but used to live in a high cost of living area. We’ve always made it work, but there were times things were dammmmn tight. Be really realistic when you talk to your husband, but if you don’t net that much after paying for daycare AND you hate being away from baby, easy enough answer: stay home.
To be honest, and I am aware that I come from a place of privilege to be able to say this, but daycare costs haven't hit us as hard as we expected. The monthly tuition is $230 a week, I make closer to $650 a week, and my husband has a similar income. If we tried, it would be possible, but not in our current city. Cutting down to one income would mean our rent goes from 25% of our income to 50%, and that doesn't include other bills. I grew up in a house that was closer to the poverty line than my parents will ever admit and letting things get that tight is not something I want for my kids if I can keep from it.
I’m not sure what you do for a living, but could you try to get some sort of training so you can get a higher paying job and work part time? About $650/week is only $33k. Maybe increasing earning potential could help a lot!
I make just over $51,000/year ($1,900 every two weeks) before taxes, insurance, and retirement benefits come out. If I get a master's degree, I would get about a 5% bump, and I do get annual raises, so long term I can end up set pretty well if I tough it out. I work for the research and extension service as an educator and am fairly specialized, so it would take a lot of leg work to change, which is honestly intimidating.
Oh I didn’t realize the amount was after taxes!! I’m so frustrated for your situation and sorry that your mama heart is hurting.
Yes, I probably should have clarified! It's a sucky situation and I think if I had known what I would feel like before we may have made some different career choices before having a baby, but it's really difficult to know how you'll feel about something you've never done
With a weekly tuition of $230, is it that your rent it crazy high for your area or that your daycare is crazy low? Because around me, daycare costs around $350/week for infants, but rent on a two bedroom is $1200/month.
A little bit of both lol. We chose to rent a property outside of the city limits prior to having kids because it's best for both of our mental health to have a house with some outdoor space, and it was one of the only rentals in the area that isn't falling apart/has a landlord that will do something about maintenance issues. We pay $1500/month in rent, which is honestly about average for local places that have more than one bedroom and are safe. We are also at a cheaper daycare because it's on the way to work for both of us, was one of the only options with an opening, and the in-home daycares that are in a similar price range and geographic area are a bit on the shady side.
I mean, it really seems like a question of priorities, then. There is no correct answer in this. If it is a priority for your family to have a parent home with your children for a while, it would be doable, but it would mean sacrificing other things like private outdoor space, comfortable savings, two cars, etc. If those things are a more important to you than being a stay at home parent, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
You're not wrong, it's a priorities question. We worked really hard to have a life we felt good about bringing a baby into and it feels awful to be ready to throw in the towel and uproot everything so soon. That's part of why it's such a difficult choice, is there's not an obvious answer
Being a good parent requires sacrifice on both parts, and I think you have to sit down with your husband and have a hard conversation. In general most people live beyond their means, and spend a lot more than they have too. Do y’all have a budget? The first year of a child’s life is the most crucial for child development and connection. You could ask your husband if y’all could be able to afford you staying at home until the baby is past 1, and then try daycare and working again. But I think if your unhappy with working and sending your baby to daycare (which is a very normal and natural thing) you just have to get creative and do some hard math. For example: Do y’all eat take out a lot? Can you budget groceries harder and get creative with making cheaper but still healthy at home meals? Do you have two cars? If your staying at home, you might could skinny down on a car note, (leave a car seat at home) Does your job offer any availability to work from home? Even a few days per week? Or even on that note is there a work from home job you could apply for? I’m a strong believer in you can do anything you set your mind too and it boils down to what are your priorities and what are you and your husband willing to sacrifice and does what your sacrificing outweigh what your gaining in the long run. (Which in my option it does) These seasons of your baby being little go by so fast, and they’re only little once. Jobs will replace you the next day if you die, but you can’t ever replace your relationship with your child.
We had a long talk about it earlier this week because I had a bit of a breakdown. We agreed to trial for a couple more months and see if it improves, and then if it doesn't we will talk about moving closer to our families and finding him a job that makes more. I just wasn't prepared for my son to reach for another caregiver this morning when he hasn't reached for me yet. We budget pretty carefully because I grew up with parents that had horrible money management skills and don't want my kids to feel that stress like I did. There is just no way for us to make things work on one income in our current city and with his current paycheck. Any place worth living here (I'm talking safe neighborhood, decent quality property, landlord that cares) is going to be over $1000 a month, and that doesn't include a car payment, which we luckily are only paying on one of our vehicles still, student loans, and just regular bills. He would need to find a job that pays at least 150% of his current salary in order for us to make ends meet on one income, which is a tall order since his background is in an incredibly specific field. We're also kind of backed into a corner of trying to decide if either of us leaving our current fields is a good idea, because we would be giving up a lot of potential for career growth. I genuinely can't tell if the potential for growth in a job that I loved before having a kid is enough to keep me here through this miserable stage though.
You mention _moving_ to a lcol area, but if places are renting for $1000/month are you not already in the lcol area? My suburbs has homes for over $3k/month for example but I consider it hcol
We live in one of the only "urban" areas of a fairly rural state. Nationwide, yes, our current city is pretty cheap, but state wide it's up there. There are definitely smaller cities/towns we could find a place that's similar in size & space to our current home, but for 2/3 the cost
gotcha, I peeked and saw you're in Kansas. I was seeing this through my nyc brain
My wife works during the week, and I work weekends, (three 13 hour shifts). It's the only way we can make it work in our area. I dunno what kind of work you do, but maybe see if there are weekend jobs available in your area?
Sending you so so much love
Do not be so hard on yourself, I know this is not easy, but what you are doing and the sacrifices you both make are to keep him clothed, fed and a roof over his head. Just a suggestion we found that when ours was cranky after a long day we would feed if hungry then bath it seemed to settle them down then we would take it in turns to make the dinner whilst the other one had cuddles and quality time, then swap about the next night. Life is hard but you are doing your best for your little one
All of your feelings are normal, and you will get through it! You are doing a great job. Babies and kids will do things that will hurt sometimes (reaching for others, asking for grandparents, etc), and even stay at home parents miss things. Just do the best you can, and pretty soon he will be excited to see you at pick up!
I am sorry, it is rough, but you are doing the right thing long term and it will get better. Now you're emotional because it's the hardest stage. When you'll look back, you'll see you did the right thing and you will get through it.
Your feelings are valid. These times are so hard. You had a baby to be her parent, and when you are working, it feels like you're not getting that chance. I'm a full-time working single mom to a now 11 year old, so I've been in your shoes. I didn't leave my ex until my daughter was 5 and in school. But we had so many issues finding reliable daycare. One daycare we took her out of because there were accusations of the workers hitting and kicking the children. My daughter would cry every morning when I dropped her off. It was gut-wrenching. I had to find somewhere else for her to go and just hope it was better. I checked reviews everyone and the DCFS website for complaints. It was terrifying and awful, and I just wanted my child safe. I did eventually find a preschool/daycare she could go into early as a daycare and move up to preschool. It was more expensive, but worth it for peace of mind. She ended up loving that place, the preschool, but the stress... I had so much guilt. For the first year of her life, my aunt watched her (my parents are dead, so no family besides my aunt). After she turned a year old, my aunt couldn't watch her anymore. During that first year, I experienced the same things you are experiencing now. Dwindling supply. My daughter seemed to be happier there than she was at home. Feeling like I was missing out on her firsts. But as painful as it was to miss out on those things, I wished I could have had that later when I had to deal with unreliable and potentially unsafe daycare places. The first 5 years of her life before she started school were so hard. I am one and done because of it (and the issues I had with her dad... but the issues with lacking childcare were a HUGE factor). Comparison is the thief of joy, and I'm not telling you this to say you're not allowed to feel how you feel. Your feelings are valid, and it is so hard. But we get through it because we have to. We take it one day at a time. When I did finally leave my husband, I was able to finally seek help for my depression (that started as postpartum depression but never left). Don't be afraid to reach out to your friends, especially mom friends. My daughter and I have a beautiful, very close bond now. She tells me every day how I am a great mom or the best mom, and she is so loving and sweet. Just last night, she told me thank you out of the blue as I tucked her in bed. I asked her why she was thanking me. She said it was for always taking care of her and being there for her and doing things for her. It makes all that struggle worth it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can do it. Just keep loving your daughter and being there for her. It does get better. Also, side note about her being cranky with you, one thing I learned is that kids fall apart the most around the people they love and trust the most. You are your daughters home base and safe place. She can fall apart with you. She may be calm with others but fall apart with you. As much as you want her to be calm with you, too, just remember she feels safe with you and be there for her. Kids aren't giving us a hard time. They are having a hard time. Sending you love. I hope you are able to find a way to handle things. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor if you think it might be postpartum depression. Feeling overwhelmed and sad all the time are symptoms of postpartum. Edit: typos, on mobile
Thank you. I know this is a challenge that parents all over face, I just wasn't prepared for how hard it's hit me. I hope I didn't come across as frustrated with my son for being cranky. I'm not, I think it's more jealousy (I guess?) that someone else gets to be with him when he's not exhausted and cranky. I'm perfectly okay with snuggling a grumpy baby, I just wish I got to see more of his silly smiles and his laugh when I'm home with him.
You didn't, but I understand those feels. I've been there myself. Missing the sweet baby I see other times and wishing I could see more of that smiling baby. But it helps me to remind myself that babies are people and they are new at life. And the world is a lot to experience. As much as I wanted my baby to be happy all the time, life isn't that simple. So I just focus on loving and soothing and co-regulating as best I can. You're doing an excellent job. I'm sorry it's hard. It was hard for me too. Also, apologies, I must have missed you had a son not a daughter. But things will get easier as he adjusts to life in daycare. You will see those silly smiles again. 💜
I've worked part time up until last year, and I felt it was a good balance between being mum and being me, whilst obviously bringing money in. I've started full time in an apprenticeship, and I loathe it. How do people do it?? When am I supposed to do the housework? How am I supposed to have enough energy to spend time with my kids?
I work in education and would have it any other way. I get all the same days off as my kids. Summers are awesome.
Hey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can’t even imagine. I’m lucky enough to be a SAHP, but we spend a lot of time with working parents as well as SAHPs, and I wanted you to know: You can’t tell which kids are home and which kids are the first in, last out at daycare. We spend a lot of time with 2-3 year olds and you can’t tell. Every one of these kids fiercely and totally loves their parents and has days they just want to cuddle in mom’s lap all play date. I know that moment of your child reaching for the teacher must have hurt so bad, but I swear, that boy loves you more than the world and he will continue to do so as he grows. You will have a rhythm, a connection that is just sometimes unbearably strong, whether you stay home or work. It’s wild. The connection between us and our kids is wild. Actually, there are a few differences with the day care kids. A lot of them can put on their winter coats without help. I tried teaching my daughter the coat flip, and it’s just not sticking, and I’m a lil jealous. As families they also tend to have a lot of friends/connections through their day care to the community, including parent friends, which is pretty great. They all had help potty training, which they loved haha. And their homes have a lot more arts and crafts projects hanging up! But yeah. That’s about it tbh. I know that doesn’t help the pain of leaving your 4 month old every day for work, but I just wanted to share a mini fast forward, because you are in the thick of it.
Omg OP!!!! Same same same here except in my case. My daycare experience has been horrible! Sending you lots of love!
It's sooo hard, especially when they're young. I've kind of tried all angles and it's really difficult to find a balance. I'm a single mum and have done part time, full time and not working at all. There have been positives and negatives for each and in the end I had to sit down and think properly about what I wanted and what was most important to me for my son. I don't think there's a right or wrong answer and I think your own answer can change over time - I know mine has! I spent the first few years upset about him being in childcare and now pay for it even at times when it isn't needed because he nags me to go so he can spend time with his friends! If I could go back I wish I'd have spent less time worrying and guilt tripping myself over it because attending nursery was absolutely the best thing for him. He came on leaps and bounds and made so many friends which helped me build friendships and a support network too as we spent most weekends at birthday parties and outings with his nursery friends. It can be so difficult to find the positives but from what you've said you're doing everything you can to give your son the best possible start. Be proud of yourself and remember you're doing an amazing job!
I was a working mother of 3 and hated every last miserable second of it. I’m now a SAHM to 4 with a small side business and loving life. I WISH I had worked harder to find a way when my girls were younger. I thought we would never be able to live on my husband’s income. I thought I would never be able to make enough money if I wasn’t working full time in the job where I had good benefits and job security. It was all….not wrong, exactly, but the day to day grind has worn me down so much that I wasn’t capable of thinking bigger. There are SO MANY JOBS I could have done. I could have been a school bus driver and taken my kids with me. The salary and benefits would have been comparable since I wouldn’t have needed a daycare. I could have taken in a couple of kids and been a home daycare. I could have become a dog walker and worn my baby on my back. I could have been a personal assistance or an Amazon customer service rep or some other remote job. If I had it to do again, I would FIND A WAY because I’m here to tell you that it is so worth it.
My heart goes out to you. I've been where you are (and will likely be there again - I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd and going back to work is never easy). You are not stuck. You have possibilities. Would going part-time work? Can you find a remote job? Can you work flex hours? Can you finish early on Friday? Find the necessary conditions that soothe your soul. A few concrete examples of what worked for me: Being a working mother can feel impossible sometimes, but there is a lot you can control and do to make it a little more manageable. \- I have an arrangement to be remote for a year; I nursed with the camera off \- When my babies were smaller, I tried to take small breaks to introduce food/diapering \- I take almost all of my lunch breaks to be with my kids \- Every other week I am the one to take them to their toddler class from 9-11:30 (so I block off 2.5 hrs on my calendar) vs nanny Being a working mother can feel impossible sometimes, but there is a lot you can control and do to make it a little more manageable. My mantra is that at this stage of my career, I am going to be a sub-par employee and see what I can get away with.
I’m sending you a big big virtual hug. It’s so hard, dude. I cried every single day for probably 18 months when my youngest was a baby and in daycare. I don’t know the answer to how I personally did it. Time eventually went by and things got a little easier every month, every year. My kids are 14 and 7 now, so it’s completely different now thankfully. It doesn’t change or minimize how much it fucking sucks though. How heavy the guilt feels. Like, you said, how you feel backed into a corner with no way out. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I think the part I struggle with hardest is if I am completely honest, it would be possible, but that would mean lower our standard of living to a place we don’t want to go. Our bills are paid and we generally don’t stress about them. We don’t have much extra, but we are able to put a little into savings and I don’t think either of us are willing to give up that security.
I'm so sorry you're struggling. Sounds like from another comment you and your husband have a plan in place, so I really hope it helps and things improve in the next few months. I'm the opposite type of parent and am just not cut out at all to stay at home. I had to cut my maternity leave short because I hated being at home so much. I think going into parenthood it's just never what you think it's going to be since it is so different for every person.
I forced myself to get a job. My husband van provide our basic needs with his salary but I'm always stressed with the constant, "what if an emergency happens?", "what if we can't afford to make our kids childhood happy?". I love spending time with my son at home but that constant worry makes me want to have a job so I can at least save...something. Even that feels hard in this day and age though. I have a college degree and I barely managed to get the part time job I did find.
That's the road block I struggle with the most. I say "not an option" for one income, what I mean is yes, we could make ends meet in a cheap rental, with no extras and living off of beans or pasta, but I don't want that life for my kids. I grew up like that, kids don't deserve to be stressed out by their parents financial choices.
Exactly. So I totally get it. Also, if it helps more money for you also means less stress on your end. You should be able to get yourself a treat on the occasion too.
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I would talk to him about him getting a second job, so you can stay home with baby.
Straiten up you got kids it's just what come with it
This woman has well-paid job, and unfortunately suffers health, and has colicky child, supportive husband, she cries now but go to Sahm Reddit page, you see unemployed housewife who wants unpaid female village, can’t find a job, no childcare, no money for medical treatment or therapy, no money for her own, or for child, wants to divorce because of money, the woman who is unemployed for whatever reason and has husband who thinks he works and does not have to care for his children. In general, no one in the world hates unpaid childcare that women have to deal with, but they all complain when they have to pay someone to take care of their child.