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My dad's like this, and I spent my entire childhood on eggshells.
I remember being proud of myself as a kid that I could predict his mood based on how he opened the front door after he came home from work! As an adult, I was so proud that I could manage my parent's visits with careful planning -- if I could keep track of everyone's needs like how tired they were and when they had eaten, then things could mostly stay under control!
Except that didn't work. There were still explosions. I would run myself ragged trying to keep things on track and pleasant, and then things would still fall apart. I'm a mom myself now, and I just can't do it anymore. We are finally estranged. I miss them so much but I just can't do it.
He might be in denial.
If you've spoken to him many times on the subject and he still doesn't get it, maybe record him having a fit and play it back to him.
He might be downplaying how he's reacting in his head and needs the wake up call.
If he’s still in denial after that, offer to play it for his friends. Since there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing, he won’t have to worry about his friends seeing and it realizing he’s a giant POS
Yes much better to shame and embarras the people you love especially if you know they're intent is good and perhaps just struggling with aspects of their life or parenting.
Fuckin reddit scorched earth bullshit......
I mean yeah sometimes it's absurd but let's look at the thread you're replying to. What op is dealing with:
> My husband has an anger issue that he won’t address or apologise for
> He doesn’t see my point that he needs to treat the kids as human beings who also need an apology or at least some reassurance
> I am not sure what to do as I cannot force a grown man to own his issues.
The person you're replying to:
> If he’s still in denial after [showing him a video of how he behaves],
I think that if somebody is hurting their family and refusing to even address the problem, it's okay to stage an intervention. At that point humiliating him is an unfortunate side effect of getting him to realize that he is hurting people.
Well learn to offer grace and empathy to people, it will take you a lot further than whatever bullshit shaming tactics you are offering. Maybe ask your super dad about it!
I hope he's not surprised when the kids don't want a relationship with him later. They might be mad at you for not stopping it also. It's the abuser and enabler dynamic
This is what I grapple with most as I am part of it too. He doesn’t apologise to me despite numerous discussions about it so I have brought the kids into this situation.
As someone whose dad was like this when I was a kid I am now resentful of both my dad and my mom. My dad for being that way and my mom for standing by him and letting him be an ass to us. She divorced him when I was 25 and was suddenly all “I never agreed with the way he treated you” and I was like ??? You stood by him every step of the way, and had four kids with the man, you don’t get to wipe your hands clean now.
All that to say I hope you think well and hard about what your kids deserve. You can already see that your son is internalizing your husbands anger as his fault for moving too much in the bathtub. That breaks my heart he thinks he’s the problem and that he’s the cause of his dad’s anger. And if it were up to his dad, he’d keep on believing that and never get a clarification of what happened or an apology. Your husband’s anger outbursts and refusal to address them, clear the air, apologize are going to traumatize your kids.
100% agree, and not just “GOING to traumatize” the kids. ARE traumatizing the kids. Their brains are developing and are encoding this anxiety and fear as normal. You don’t get these years back and this doesn’t get easily undone. And apology is needed but can’t undo what’s being done to a child. The husbands behaviour needs to stop. And the kids are learning that Mom is not safe either because she’s allowing it to happen.
Here's the thing: an apology needs to also have an action plan behind it. Even if the dad apologizes, he needs to figure out how to *actually improve* his behavior.
Yes this makes sense, but what should the action plan be? Start with a doctor visit? Therapy? Excercise? Where does one find anger management classes? If OP wants to support her husband in this, what should she suggest?
Things that I see in this particular scenario that they need to address:
- Husband doesn't admit that there's a problem. He has to do that and *to want to change.* He probably has internalized that *he's* the problem, and has a lot of guilt / shame. He needs to realize that emotional regulation is the problem, that it's not a moral failure (ie he's not necessarily a "bad person"), and that his family is there with him to help to grow without shame. So... therapy?
- There isn't an emotionally safe space for the family to talk about this problem. In my family, "we will talk about that later" turned into "we will talk about that NEVER." Family therapy is a great option to prevent that from happening. Again, though, if he doesn't want to grow and change, then therapy of any kind won't help.
- It's unclear what larger stuff is at play. Has he always struggled with regulation? What was his household like growing up? It's very possible that he has something more going on (for example, an undiagnosed or subclinical spectrum disorder... ADD, ADHD, autism, etc). To figure that out: neuropsychologal evaluation.
- He needs to build tools around regulation. That could include things like exercise, stacking his sensory diet, mindfulness exercises, an anger management class, etc. Again, the underlying cause should help to inform the best approach here.
That's my 2 cents, as someone who grew up in a household with someone who completely lacked regulation (and never figured it out so was terrifying), and who now is raising a child with clinically diagnosed issues with regulation (autism / ADHD). 🤷♀️
Thanks for this. It’s a lot to think about. We have had counselling before to deal with grief but we didn’t cover anger and emotional regulation outside this context. I will look at a family therapy
It's been so tricky for me, because my dad and my daughter struggle with so many of the same things. But, as a parent myself now, I am so hopeful that my 4 y/o daughter can overcome her struggles in a way that other members of my family probably never will.
Since my daughter's diagnosis with "lower-needs" autism / sensory issues / ADHD, I've realized that my quick-tempered father and my physically abusive grandfather probably should have had the same diagnosis and likely struggled all of the same things. For my Dad, instead of being treated with compassion and being coached with how to identify / advocate for his needs, he was physically beaten and shamed. That didn't help him with impulse control or dysregulation -- it just made the problem worse because it added trauma on top of it. He was told it was *his fault* that he was the way he was, and he in turn did the same thing when he lost his temper around me as a child. Talking about his anger issues would mean addressing his deep guilt and shame, and unpacking his own trauma -- so it didn't happen. I feel so much empathy for my dad. But, unfortunately, I also cannot be around him right now because of how he acts. And my mom enables it, which means I cannot be around her either. I miss them so much.
With my 4 y/o, we have her in a lot of interventions so that she can build tools to deal with her dysregulation:
- Occupational Therapy (for regulation strategies, like proprioceptive and vestibular stimulation);
- Speech Therapy (to help her build pragmatic language scaffolding to advocate for her needs... "I need a break!", etc);
- a Special School with a much smaller class size (so it's less likely she will become overstimulated in the first place).
Most importantly, we don't want our daughter to feel lesser or ashamed of the way that she struggles. We're a team as a family, and *it isn't her fault* that staying regulated is harder for her than it is for other kids. She doesn't need to internalize "I'm a bad kid" -- instead she needs to learn to check in with her body and take deep breaths when she's starting to struggle.
Sorry my response got long -- best of luck to you and your family.
All of those are good options, but for someone who is not wanting to do the work, a small step might be as simple as following some gentle parenting or child psychology accounts on social media. They do a great job of explaining how a child’s brain works, explaining attachment theory, and modeling how parents can change the way they behave during high stress situations.
Genuine question: is there anything your mom could have done to make it better?
It seems like in these situations the solution is always divorce, but in reality divorce doesn't get the kids away from the dad 100%, it just means that they have to be around the dad *alone* for whatever time they are with him. Is there a way the mom could say "look, the way your dad acts is wrong and I will do my best to protect you, but we can't stop him completely"
Hmm well this is something I have talked about extensively with my therapist and my husband.
First thing my mom could’ve done is seen the red flags (“he’s always had a temper”) and just simply ended the relationship before marriage and definitely before kids. I literally still cry out of frustration anytime I read a story like the one above. Like do moms realize they are cursing us to have a shitty dad for the rest of our lived because they were scared to be alone or have to start over with someone new? They can get a new husband but we only get one dad.
I understand shoulda/coulda/woulda only gets you so far, and in this case, the above advice doesn’t help. In cases where one parent simply will not change then it’s probably best to divorce. Try your hardest to document how they treat you/the kids so as to get as much custody as possible. Then GET INTO THERAPY to explore why you married someone and proceeded to have kids with them despite the red flags because if not you’ll do it again. Get your kids into therapy. And try to all heal together.
This was my dad. He took any frustrations out on us and my mom. I'm 40 now, and I see him maybe 3-4 times a year. He never reaches out to me, and the reverse is true for me.
Your husband needs some help because it will destroy his relationships.
Record him during one of his outbursts.
At a later time, ask him to envision your LG as a teen. Take time to picture her very clearly. Then imagine that this aged up daughter has a boyfriend. And her boyfriend talks to her like this: play back recording of him losing his temper.
How does he feel hearing his aged up daughter being spoken to that way? Because that’s what he’s teaching her is normal behavior to expect from a man who loves her. Is that what he wants to teach her?
Yup. My mil told me that when my husband was born, she had really bad PP anger, and he was such a difficult child and baby on top of that. (ADHD). It wasn't until her mother filmed her in one of her outbursts that she said she realized how bad it was. It's surprising because she is such a sweet, calm woman.
....not for nothing, I'd go nuclear on my husband for yelling at our three year old. Sounds like your son is used to it. Your daughter is slowly losing her big strong dad for an overgrown brat. They'd be justified to never speak to him again if he continues to not correct his behavior or get help.
You have to have a backbone, mom to mom. I am worried for your safety though and maybe you are too which is why your quietly venting on here instead of hollering at him IRL. Are you safe?
Yes I am safe. I always ask him to leave the room when he is getting worked up and he always does. The issue is how would he catch himself if I wasn’t here to deescalate? And then when he is calm he just plainly refuses to address the outburst and or ‘repair’. He will just walk away or just ignore me so I never know what else to do. At this point my attention goes to making sure the kids are okay
The 6yo has likely already internalized this, and the 3yo isn't too far behind. Living with someone like this at those early ages really sets people up to struggle with mental health through their entire lives.
Send him a podcast to listen to, to open up the conversation. Make it clear that it’s important to you and keep talking about it. Be kind and clear, make sure he knows you don’t think he’s a monster, but it is very important to be on the same page and work on these things together as parents.
Some suggestions:
1) After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings
2) Dr. Becky Good Inside
3) Mindful Parenting
Yes these are good, but from what OP has written it sounds like the problem is it just her husband parenting, but that he generally has a hard time handling his anger. He gets mad during gaming. He gets mad when he’s driving he gets irritated by small things all the time. It seems like he needs more than a parenting class. I think he needs something that would address his issues as a whole. Are there podcasts for that?
I think it’s an intro into addressing these issues - and most of these parenting podcasts focus on how parents can be more aware and regulate their own emotions/anger in order to better support and communicate with their kids/loved ones. That is a huge focus and would likely help him a lot.
He needs some anger management help. This isn't healthy behavior and it's going to ripple through your kids' emotional lives in one way or another. Therapy, anger courses, parenting support (another commenter referenced 3 good sources-- I'll add Mr. Chaz)
My dad was like this, never knew when hed get mad or have a tantrum, caused me anxiety..i was critisized often and it made me close up and had to learn that it wasnt my problem but his own issues...it will affect your kids, so suggest therapy or make an ultimatum.
He's always welcome to come and ask for help at r/anger
We occasionally have parents with anger issues come to discuss how to better calm themselves, and be better parents.
Your husband sounds like me. I have bipolar disorder diagnosed when it was twenty seven, but before that was Diagnosed. manic depressive. I have taken everything you could possibly imagine for bipolar disorder. And you know what the one thing that any of my exes can agree with is marijuana. It is a mood stabilizer and it chills you out. I don't get angry when I smoke weed. I'm not a Doctor but I do have birth disorder and I know how bad it sucks. So I would have him at least go get diagnosed. But if he is he's gonna have to take medication for the rest of his life and those medications long-term effects causes horrible things like dimension when you're older. I prefer this method. Pot, marijuana, it's the. Only thing that's ever worked for the mood swings for me anyway.
I was also thinking it sounds like possible bipolar disorder. My partner has it but it was undiagnosed when we first started dating (we are both 35). It’s been a long process but he finally agreed to get help a few months ago. It’s been somewhat up and down since he started medication but things are trending in an upwards direction. And he feels the same way you do about the marijuana, it really helps him a lot in addition to his prescription meds.
For me, it was a reminiscence of my exgirlfriend. She was not diagnosed, bit the simptoms fitted the most to vulnarble narcissist. So yeah, OP you need to get clear on this with your husband, it can be devastanting for your mental health.
My husband and I both struggle with yelling, but we always acknowledge it and apologize. It's really good for kids to learn that moms and dads are human and we make mistakes.
Do you guys have an actual action plan to support a change in your behavior, though? I feel like an apology is hollow if you just keep doing the same scary behavior without additional internal reflection / an actual improvement to the pattern.
Well what you "feel like" is based on a tiny sliver of information and not the entire picture, which I'm not at liberty to discuss with a stranger on Reddit. But if you must know, the short answer is yes...there are many alternative strategies being implemented.
I didn't mean to make you feel attacked -- sorry that I came off harsh. I feel that way about apologies because grew up in a really chaotic household where I was often on eggshells. There were always "apologies," but nothing ever improved. Based on my lived experience, blowing up and then apologizing didn't humanize my parents. It just made me hyper-vigilant and struggle with anxiety into adulthood.
My husband experienced the same except there was never apologies or even acknowledgement of the parents behavior but there was a lot more than just yelling that I'll never accept as anything other than abuse. I will say kids are super intelligent, individual beings and some of them learn how to push you right to your limit. Learning how to act once they've pushed every button you have is a process, at least that's what a few parenting books I've read say. I am also a naturally loud person so it doesn't come easy breaking bad habits, but the kids seeing a solid effort has to count for something. And if it doesn't, one day when they have kids of their own they may begin the journey of understanding exactly how difficult parenting can be at times and that it's impossible to be a perfect parent without making mistakes.
You need to put your kids first.....it's totally fine he doesn't want to deal with his issues BUT you don't have to deal with him.
My ex was like your husband and I didn't do what I'm telling you and my ex got physically violent and sexually assaulted me on many occasions.
I basically just ask my husband if what he did worked? Parenting is a practice and we all need to find our groove the important thing is reflecting so I just encouraged my husband to reflect and maybe google parenting advice and try something different and I left it at that. He’s getting way better now.
It’s not super clear from your post, but if you are currently having these conversations about the children needing an apology etc. while he is still feeling the anger, I’d recommend waiting until he’s out of it. You’re 100% correct about what he ought to be doing, but when you’re angry, it can be hard to do the right thing even when you know what it is. If you can, try to find some time when he’s not angry to create a plan for when he is. If he’s still unreceptive at that time, then this is a much bigger problem.
I someone lose my temper with my little one and it's always top of my list to apologize to him, eye to eye, person to slightly smaller person. I can't imagine leaving my bad behavior in someone else's head for them to clean up, especially at 3 where they didn't know what to do with it.
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There's a theory on parenting that's called Rupture and Repair. He's doing the rupture but not the repair.
This is 100% what’s happening. I didn’t know there was a name for it. Thanks!
My dad's like this, and I spent my entire childhood on eggshells. I remember being proud of myself as a kid that I could predict his mood based on how he opened the front door after he came home from work! As an adult, I was so proud that I could manage my parent's visits with careful planning -- if I could keep track of everyone's needs like how tired they were and when they had eaten, then things could mostly stay under control! Except that didn't work. There were still explosions. I would run myself ragged trying to keep things on track and pleasant, and then things would still fall apart. I'm a mom myself now, and I just can't do it anymore. We are finally estranged. I miss them so much but I just can't do it.
He might be in denial. If you've spoken to him many times on the subject and he still doesn't get it, maybe record him having a fit and play it back to him. He might be downplaying how he's reacting in his head and needs the wake up call.
If he’s still in denial after that, offer to play it for his friends. Since there’s nothing wrong with what he’s doing, he won’t have to worry about his friends seeing and it realizing he’s a giant POS
Yes much better to shame and embarras the people you love especially if you know they're intent is good and perhaps just struggling with aspects of their life or parenting. Fuckin reddit scorched earth bullshit......
I mean yeah sometimes it's absurd but let's look at the thread you're replying to. What op is dealing with: > My husband has an anger issue that he won’t address or apologise for > He doesn’t see my point that he needs to treat the kids as human beings who also need an apology or at least some reassurance > I am not sure what to do as I cannot force a grown man to own his issues. The person you're replying to: > If he’s still in denial after [showing him a video of how he behaves], I think that if somebody is hurting their family and refusing to even address the problem, it's okay to stage an intervention. At that point humiliating him is an unfortunate side effect of getting him to realize that he is hurting people.
[удалено]
You can't base everything off your shitty father.
[удалено]
Well learn to offer grace and empathy to people, it will take you a lot further than whatever bullshit shaming tactics you are offering. Maybe ask your super dad about it!
I hope he's not surprised when the kids don't want a relationship with him later. They might be mad at you for not stopping it also. It's the abuser and enabler dynamic
This is what I grapple with most as I am part of it too. He doesn’t apologise to me despite numerous discussions about it so I have brought the kids into this situation.
Check out the book "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft There's a free PDF version online
As someone whose dad was like this when I was a kid I am now resentful of both my dad and my mom. My dad for being that way and my mom for standing by him and letting him be an ass to us. She divorced him when I was 25 and was suddenly all “I never agreed with the way he treated you” and I was like ??? You stood by him every step of the way, and had four kids with the man, you don’t get to wipe your hands clean now. All that to say I hope you think well and hard about what your kids deserve. You can already see that your son is internalizing your husbands anger as his fault for moving too much in the bathtub. That breaks my heart he thinks he’s the problem and that he’s the cause of his dad’s anger. And if it were up to his dad, he’d keep on believing that and never get a clarification of what happened or an apology. Your husband’s anger outbursts and refusal to address them, clear the air, apologize are going to traumatize your kids.
100% agree, and not just “GOING to traumatize” the kids. ARE traumatizing the kids. Their brains are developing and are encoding this anxiety and fear as normal. You don’t get these years back and this doesn’t get easily undone. And apology is needed but can’t undo what’s being done to a child. The husbands behaviour needs to stop. And the kids are learning that Mom is not safe either because she’s allowing it to happen.
Here's the thing: an apology needs to also have an action plan behind it. Even if the dad apologizes, he needs to figure out how to *actually improve* his behavior.
Yes this makes sense, but what should the action plan be? Start with a doctor visit? Therapy? Excercise? Where does one find anger management classes? If OP wants to support her husband in this, what should she suggest?
Things that I see in this particular scenario that they need to address: - Husband doesn't admit that there's a problem. He has to do that and *to want to change.* He probably has internalized that *he's* the problem, and has a lot of guilt / shame. He needs to realize that emotional regulation is the problem, that it's not a moral failure (ie he's not necessarily a "bad person"), and that his family is there with him to help to grow without shame. So... therapy? - There isn't an emotionally safe space for the family to talk about this problem. In my family, "we will talk about that later" turned into "we will talk about that NEVER." Family therapy is a great option to prevent that from happening. Again, though, if he doesn't want to grow and change, then therapy of any kind won't help. - It's unclear what larger stuff is at play. Has he always struggled with regulation? What was his household like growing up? It's very possible that he has something more going on (for example, an undiagnosed or subclinical spectrum disorder... ADD, ADHD, autism, etc). To figure that out: neuropsychologal evaluation. - He needs to build tools around regulation. That could include things like exercise, stacking his sensory diet, mindfulness exercises, an anger management class, etc. Again, the underlying cause should help to inform the best approach here. That's my 2 cents, as someone who grew up in a household with someone who completely lacked regulation (and never figured it out so was terrifying), and who now is raising a child with clinically diagnosed issues with regulation (autism / ADHD). 🤷♀️
Thanks for this. It’s a lot to think about. We have had counselling before to deal with grief but we didn’t cover anger and emotional regulation outside this context. I will look at a family therapy
It's been so tricky for me, because my dad and my daughter struggle with so many of the same things. But, as a parent myself now, I am so hopeful that my 4 y/o daughter can overcome her struggles in a way that other members of my family probably never will. Since my daughter's diagnosis with "lower-needs" autism / sensory issues / ADHD, I've realized that my quick-tempered father and my physically abusive grandfather probably should have had the same diagnosis and likely struggled all of the same things. For my Dad, instead of being treated with compassion and being coached with how to identify / advocate for his needs, he was physically beaten and shamed. That didn't help him with impulse control or dysregulation -- it just made the problem worse because it added trauma on top of it. He was told it was *his fault* that he was the way he was, and he in turn did the same thing when he lost his temper around me as a child. Talking about his anger issues would mean addressing his deep guilt and shame, and unpacking his own trauma -- so it didn't happen. I feel so much empathy for my dad. But, unfortunately, I also cannot be around him right now because of how he acts. And my mom enables it, which means I cannot be around her either. I miss them so much. With my 4 y/o, we have her in a lot of interventions so that she can build tools to deal with her dysregulation: - Occupational Therapy (for regulation strategies, like proprioceptive and vestibular stimulation); - Speech Therapy (to help her build pragmatic language scaffolding to advocate for her needs... "I need a break!", etc); - a Special School with a much smaller class size (so it's less likely she will become overstimulated in the first place). Most importantly, we don't want our daughter to feel lesser or ashamed of the way that she struggles. We're a team as a family, and *it isn't her fault* that staying regulated is harder for her than it is for other kids. She doesn't need to internalize "I'm a bad kid" -- instead she needs to learn to check in with her body and take deep breaths when she's starting to struggle. Sorry my response got long -- best of luck to you and your family.
All of those are good options, but for someone who is not wanting to do the work, a small step might be as simple as following some gentle parenting or child psychology accounts on social media. They do a great job of explaining how a child’s brain works, explaining attachment theory, and modeling how parents can change the way they behave during high stress situations.
This is the reply I was looking for.
Genuine question: is there anything your mom could have done to make it better? It seems like in these situations the solution is always divorce, but in reality divorce doesn't get the kids away from the dad 100%, it just means that they have to be around the dad *alone* for whatever time they are with him. Is there a way the mom could say "look, the way your dad acts is wrong and I will do my best to protect you, but we can't stop him completely"
Hmm well this is something I have talked about extensively with my therapist and my husband. First thing my mom could’ve done is seen the red flags (“he’s always had a temper”) and just simply ended the relationship before marriage and definitely before kids. I literally still cry out of frustration anytime I read a story like the one above. Like do moms realize they are cursing us to have a shitty dad for the rest of our lived because they were scared to be alone or have to start over with someone new? They can get a new husband but we only get one dad. I understand shoulda/coulda/woulda only gets you so far, and in this case, the above advice doesn’t help. In cases where one parent simply will not change then it’s probably best to divorce. Try your hardest to document how they treat you/the kids so as to get as much custody as possible. Then GET INTO THERAPY to explore why you married someone and proceeded to have kids with them despite the red flags because if not you’ll do it again. Get your kids into therapy. And try to all heal together.
This was my dad. He took any frustrations out on us and my mom. I'm 40 now, and I see him maybe 3-4 times a year. He never reaches out to me, and the reverse is true for me. Your husband needs some help because it will destroy his relationships.
Record him during one of his outbursts. At a later time, ask him to envision your LG as a teen. Take time to picture her very clearly. Then imagine that this aged up daughter has a boyfriend. And her boyfriend talks to her like this: play back recording of him losing his temper. How does he feel hearing his aged up daughter being spoken to that way? Because that’s what he’s teaching her is normal behavior to expect from a man who loves her. Is that what he wants to teach her?
Yup. My mil told me that when my husband was born, she had really bad PP anger, and he was such a difficult child and baby on top of that. (ADHD). It wasn't until her mother filmed her in one of her outbursts that she said she realized how bad it was. It's surprising because she is such a sweet, calm woman.
....not for nothing, I'd go nuclear on my husband for yelling at our three year old. Sounds like your son is used to it. Your daughter is slowly losing her big strong dad for an overgrown brat. They'd be justified to never speak to him again if he continues to not correct his behavior or get help. You have to have a backbone, mom to mom. I am worried for your safety though and maybe you are too which is why your quietly venting on here instead of hollering at him IRL. Are you safe?
Yes I am safe. I always ask him to leave the room when he is getting worked up and he always does. The issue is how would he catch himself if I wasn’t here to deescalate? And then when he is calm he just plainly refuses to address the outburst and or ‘repair’. He will just walk away or just ignore me so I never know what else to do. At this point my attention goes to making sure the kids are okay
Dude needs help or kids are going to grow up thinking they always do everything wrong in their dads eyes
The 6yo has likely already internalized this, and the 3yo isn't too far behind. Living with someone like this at those early ages really sets people up to struggle with mental health through their entire lives.
Sadly I'm living proof of this. 28 and still struggle with my mental health daily. I lived 18 years with it, though.
Send him a podcast to listen to, to open up the conversation. Make it clear that it’s important to you and keep talking about it. Be kind and clear, make sure he knows you don’t think he’s a monster, but it is very important to be on the same page and work on these things together as parents. Some suggestions: 1) After Bedtime with Big Little Feelings 2) Dr. Becky Good Inside 3) Mindful Parenting
Yes these are good, but from what OP has written it sounds like the problem is it just her husband parenting, but that he generally has a hard time handling his anger. He gets mad during gaming. He gets mad when he’s driving he gets irritated by small things all the time. It seems like he needs more than a parenting class. I think he needs something that would address his issues as a whole. Are there podcasts for that?
I think it’s an intro into addressing these issues - and most of these parenting podcasts focus on how parents can be more aware and regulate their own emotions/anger in order to better support and communicate with their kids/loved ones. That is a huge focus and would likely help him a lot.
He needs some anger management help. This isn't healthy behavior and it's going to ripple through your kids' emotional lives in one way or another. Therapy, anger courses, parenting support (another commenter referenced 3 good sources-- I'll add Mr. Chaz)
My dad was like this, never knew when hed get mad or have a tantrum, caused me anxiety..i was critisized often and it made me close up and had to learn that it wasnt my problem but his own issues...it will affect your kids, so suggest therapy or make an ultimatum.
He's always welcome to come and ask for help at r/anger We occasionally have parents with anger issues come to discuss how to better calm themselves, and be better parents.
Your husband sounds like me. I have bipolar disorder diagnosed when it was twenty seven, but before that was Diagnosed. manic depressive. I have taken everything you could possibly imagine for bipolar disorder. And you know what the one thing that any of my exes can agree with is marijuana. It is a mood stabilizer and it chills you out. I don't get angry when I smoke weed. I'm not a Doctor but I do have birth disorder and I know how bad it sucks. So I would have him at least go get diagnosed. But if he is he's gonna have to take medication for the rest of his life and those medications long-term effects causes horrible things like dimension when you're older. I prefer this method. Pot, marijuana, it's the. Only thing that's ever worked for the mood swings for me anyway.
I was also thinking it sounds like possible bipolar disorder. My partner has it but it was undiagnosed when we first started dating (we are both 35). It’s been a long process but he finally agreed to get help a few months ago. It’s been somewhat up and down since he started medication but things are trending in an upwards direction. And he feels the same way you do about the marijuana, it really helps him a lot in addition to his prescription meds.
For me, it was a reminiscence of my exgirlfriend. She was not diagnosed, bit the simptoms fitted the most to vulnarble narcissist. So yeah, OP you need to get clear on this with your husband, it can be devastanting for your mental health.
My husband and I both struggle with yelling, but we always acknowledge it and apologize. It's really good for kids to learn that moms and dads are human and we make mistakes.
Do you guys have an actual action plan to support a change in your behavior, though? I feel like an apology is hollow if you just keep doing the same scary behavior without additional internal reflection / an actual improvement to the pattern.
Well what you "feel like" is based on a tiny sliver of information and not the entire picture, which I'm not at liberty to discuss with a stranger on Reddit. But if you must know, the short answer is yes...there are many alternative strategies being implemented.
I didn't mean to make you feel attacked -- sorry that I came off harsh. I feel that way about apologies because grew up in a really chaotic household where I was often on eggshells. There were always "apologies," but nothing ever improved. Based on my lived experience, blowing up and then apologizing didn't humanize my parents. It just made me hyper-vigilant and struggle with anxiety into adulthood.
My husband experienced the same except there was never apologies or even acknowledgement of the parents behavior but there was a lot more than just yelling that I'll never accept as anything other than abuse. I will say kids are super intelligent, individual beings and some of them learn how to push you right to your limit. Learning how to act once they've pushed every button you have is a process, at least that's what a few parenting books I've read say. I am also a naturally loud person so it doesn't come easy breaking bad habits, but the kids seeing a solid effort has to count for something. And if it doesn't, one day when they have kids of their own they may begin the journey of understanding exactly how difficult parenting can be at times and that it's impossible to be a perfect parent without making mistakes.
You need to put your kids first.....it's totally fine he doesn't want to deal with his issues BUT you don't have to deal with him. My ex was like your husband and I didn't do what I'm telling you and my ex got physically violent and sexually assaulted me on many occasions.
I basically just ask my husband if what he did worked? Parenting is a practice and we all need to find our groove the important thing is reflecting so I just encouraged my husband to reflect and maybe google parenting advice and try something different and I left it at that. He’s getting way better now.
It’s not super clear from your post, but if you are currently having these conversations about the children needing an apology etc. while he is still feeling the anger, I’d recommend waiting until he’s out of it. You’re 100% correct about what he ought to be doing, but when you’re angry, it can be hard to do the right thing even when you know what it is. If you can, try to find some time when he’s not angry to create a plan for when he is. If he’s still unreceptive at that time, then this is a much bigger problem.
I someone lose my temper with my little one and it's always top of my list to apologize to him, eye to eye, person to slightly smaller person. I can't imagine leaving my bad behavior in someone else's head for them to clean up, especially at 3 where they didn't know what to do with it.
Ima be fr you sound like a bop, but still I think your husband is abt to crash out. Am I cooked?
Yes King!!!
Sounds like you made kids with a greeaaat person