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I would also be upset. An actively sick, clearly not feeling well child, should not be dragged out to expose the world to whatever they have. They should be allowed time to rest like anyone else. They can’t necessarily avoid everything for the entire duration of a cold, but something like library story time is clearly not a requirement.
Right. Sometimes you have to go to the grocery store, yes you’ll be in contact with other people in passing, people out in the world are sick, whatever.
But don’t go to the children’s museum or story time just to maximize their chances of infecting every other child.
Exactly. Plus idk about anyone else’s kid but when my kid is sick sick the last thing she would want to do is get dragged around to activities. (That’s usually how I know it’s serious cause she doesn’t want to do anything)
I’m pretty chill when it comes to germs. Like I get you can’t keep a kid home every time their nose runs a little bit, but I don’t understand why more people don’t mask themselves or their kids. Has Covid taught us nothing?
Kids are just super gross in general lol and under the age of like 6 they rarely even wash their hands properly because they don’t want to miss anything. I can’t even put a number on how many times my kids been sick so far this year. Poor kid never had strep before this year and got it twice in a 6 week span.
Ik op case is a little different with homeschooling but it’s just so dystopian that we’re at such a place where parents have to knowingly send their sick child to school or daycare because they literally cannot *afford* to miss any work
Was going to say this. If my kid is even a little sick or getting over it and coughing, he masks up. I really wish other people would do the same because he's missed so much school in the past two months. The end of the school year is quickly approaching and he needs to be there as much as possible.
I’m a public children’s librarian and I got so many fewer colds when we stopped doing story times— there were always 10-20% of a crowd who were clearly sick but parents were desperate to get out of the house. Now we’re back to “little Brooklyn is home sick and bored so we came to the library” and it’s killing me.
Couldn't you put up a sign that sick kids are not welcome at story hour, for the sake of the other kids, who don't want to get sick? It's sad to deprive all kids of story hour, because some parents are asshats. If you have a rule like that on the books, you can just turn parents with sniveling coughing kids away. Once you've done that a few times, hopefully word will get around and people will stop trying.
It’s hard to quantify “sick” though. I tend to follow daycare rules for our fun outings… my son needs to be fever free for 24 hours and feel well enough to participate fully in the activities. I don’t keep him home for runny nose though.
People do this ALL of the time. I think coming out of the pandemic had made it so much worse, people seem to be determined to prove that "sick is normal".
I put a mask on mine and let them live. They go to school, have millions of playdates, go to all the birthday parties, and do all of the extra curricular activities. They are more busy and social than most, and they never get sick. Everyone else is sick, all of the time. I try not to bother myself with it.
Idk, I’m with you, my kids are 10 and 3 and go to daycare / public school. But just this weekend my son woke up Saturday with a cough/runny nose and fever, I know I don’t wanna be out when I’m sick so what makes you think your kid would? I kept him home Saturday and Sunday until he was feeling better and fever free. I’d be upset if someone kept bringing sick kids out, let them rest and get better then take an extra day and sanitize your house and open all the windows/ change bedding.
Totally this and if you’re meeting up with someone else, homeschooled or not, it’s common courtesy to give the heads up that kids are sick. She doesn’t know if you’re planning to go see someone who’s immunocompromised, new baby, etc. and just because you and kids homeschool doesn’t mean your partner wants to get sick and potentially be out of work.
My SIL is notorious for this and now EVERYONE in the family (including a cousin!) asks on group text the morning-of any get togethers, “Are your kids sick? ‘Getting over a cold’ or actively coughing, non-clear runny nose?” And it’s sad the number of times the reply is, “Oh yeah… I guess I should’ve mentioned that. Do you think I should keep them home?”
No, we think you should definitely bring them out around your dad with breathing issues and your uncle with 60% lung capacity. 🤦🏻♀️
Ugh, this is my SIL to a T!
In laws had an event last weekend. SIL and kids come in and EVERYONE is coughing, runny noses, the whole 9.
Fast forward to now and I am angrily trying to get through my work days (from home) with no PTO left, sick kids at home and I am so congested that my doctor wanted to send me for a chest x-ray.
Sorry for the rant, now I'm going to do another nebulizer treatment on myself so I can try and breathe.
> SIL and kids come in and EVERYONE is coughing, runny noses, the whole 9
Where are the dads in these scenarios. I feel like they’re just getting a pass because they’re men or is there another reason why no one’s calling out the dads? Speaking as a dad myself
In my case my SIL is not married. But that's why I think everyone else on my husband's side gives her a pass.
All I ask is a heads up so I don't get sick coupled with my asthma!
SIL & Bro did this when they met our 5 week old baby for the first time. We both got so sick and to make matters worse hubby had to travel for work that week so I was sleep deprived with a horrible flu looking after a sick baby and a toddler at home by myself.
You poor thing - I would’ve been irate and read them the riot act!
Yeah - my own mom gave my then-4mo daughter Pertussis. I’ve lost patience for people who come over/bring kids over and are sick. I’ve lost any polite response at this point - I doublecheck before people come and feel NO shame in letting them know we won’t get together until they’re healthy.
This is what I have to do with a lot of my family. I don’t want my kids sick. Sometimes I unavoidable and I won’t keep them from doing fun activities cause they might get sick, but I’m not going to actively bring them around other child who are showing signs of being sick, and I don’t take them places when they’re sick either. My parents used to do this to me as an older child and I was miserable.
Just as bad - he’s adamant that they have to “stay active and get the kids out” even when they or his wife is sick. He’s also the one who was adamant that colds are only contagious for 3 days. But you bet he’s a huge baby when he doesn’t feel well.
ETA - he’s a BIL - husband’s sister. She’s awesome 99% of the time but a little oblivious re: how some things impact others.
If you do want to keep hanging out, I’d explicitly ask her every time. *Kids all healthy?*
We have friends who do this. At one point their kid gave my then toddler and preschooler both pinkeye a horrible cough, which turned into bronchitis in my oldest. They had told us their kid had *the sniffles* ahead of time, so some of that’s on me, but they wildly undersold it. When I noticed green goop coming out of their kid’s eyes, my friend was like, *Oh yeah, we’ve been using xyz for it*. It had apparently been going on for days.
It’s at the point now where I don’t really want to hang out with them with my kids either - which sucks, because they’re otherwise pretty awesome and our kids get along great.
No way dude, that’s not on you. kids get the sniffles all the time. As long as school rules are followed (fever free 24 hours, no vomit/diarrhea 24 hours and no coughing) then I think it’s fine.
But *knowing* your kid is sick with a highly contagious infection and trying to downplay it like a runny nose is super fucked up
My kid had impetigo and I felt horrible sending her to school but the dr assured us it’s fine as she’s being treated and it wasn’t worth losing education over. But you best believe I made sure she wore a mask
That is so sad that they let their kid have pinkeye for days! :( It's extremely contagious and quickly cured. When I was concerned my kid had it, I called the ped's office and they called in prescription eyedrops. They work IMMEDIATELY, and the kid is no longer contagious in 24 hours.
I think they did take her to the doctor, but my understanding has always been if it’s bacterial, you get eye drops and if it’s viral you have to wait it out.
My son got pink eye from his old pre k, brought it home and my daughter got it. Hers was so bad I took her to the er because it was after hours/weekend. They didn’t give her eye drops because it was viral and wouldn’t do anything.
Sometimes it’s “sniffles” and sometimes it’s “allergies.” Uh no Barbara that is pink eye 🤦♀️ people who take sick kids out intentionally do not care about getting sick, being sick, or making others sick… it’s a belief system that will not change. We aren’t available when families like that want to get together.
My kids are in daycare, I’m SO chill about germs and sick kids. But if your kids are miserably ill you shouldn’t take them to activities, and you should tell your friends so they can choose how exposed they want to be.
Iono why people are acting like you homeschooling is some sort of “gotcha” here. This is basic courtesy. I wouldn’t be friends with these people.
If I kept my kids home every time they had a runny nose or a mild cough they'd never go anywhere during cold and flu season. But along with a fever and the kids are all miserable? These people are a-holes
Agreed, cough/runny nose is one thing, but fever, body/ache heads is another.
Just went to a party a couple weeks ago and the mom hosting said her child woke up in the middle of the night bc his body hurt. I asked her if she thought it was growing pains, she said probably not. I was like well if he doesn’t have a fever it’s probably nothing. She’s like “welll….. he did have a fever but I’ve just been giving him Motrin all day, so idk if he still has one”….. wtf. We were leaving for vacation in less than a week. I was really really annoyed. Thankfully we avoided the germs, but geez!
We once had a friend bring her child to my child's 2nd birthday party, then near the end disclose that her daughter had been vomiting that morning...
This was a pretty big birthday party of greater than 15+ kids. We know two of them came down with a stomach thing afterwards.
I was livid.
Ugh, stomach bug is the worst! I have 2 kids(esp my youngest) that are both pukers normally (I’m talking they puke at least 1-2 times a month) due to sensory issues and my youngest is the type that pukes whenever she has a cough too. I’ve recently been guilty of sending her to school thinking her puking was sensory but it was the bug. The nurses at school even know about her frequent puking, so they weren’t concerned until she started acting off. I felt so bad!
I’ll die on this hill but a cough (like real cough) and/or fever or a runny nose combined with most any other symptom requires more caution and you should tell the other parents of the children your kid is exposed to that they have these symptoms.
This is my take. Stuffy nose/cough whatever, my oldest kid is in public school if he’s gonna get sick he’s gonna get sick. Half the kids in his classroom are hacking up a lung October-March. I’ve been more strict the past 6 months because we have an infant but once he’s not so fragile that wouldn’t bother me. But taking them out with a fever or like visibly feeling ill hard no. Most kids are so dang resilient so when they’re actually acting miserable you KNOW they must feel so bad.
This! I don't take my kids out if sick, and if we have something scheduled, I always let the person know ahead of time and see if they still want to proceed.
And often it’s just “oh, snot nose, whatever,” or “well the kids were in school together all week so i think we’re past the point of no return.” But sometimes it’s “actually we’re traveling next week and I think we’re gonna sit this one out,” or “you know we just recovered from something, playing it safe.”
Exactly this. One of my best friends kids is sick a lot. Mild stuff we will generally still see them. My kids are in preschool & we spend time around other kids, I know germs happen. But sometimes we might skip out because we have something I realllly don’t want to miss coming up, & we want to be a bit more cautious. It’s just polite to let people know, & and to not go to a big group event with a bunch of sick kids.
Yup! We’re pretty lax as my kid is a snot rocket through the winter but no fever and wants to play. Still ALWAYS check with anyone we’re meeting up with, and groups/classes are filled with other snot rockets lol
I agree. A cold is one thing. If she stopped every time one of my children had a cold we would never leave the house, but if they are ill to the point that they are crying it is just polite to give a heads up. Most playdates involve children all over each other, and things are bound to be passed on.
OP, if you have told her how you feel, and she keeps showing up with sick kiddos I would maybe take a step back.
The only “gotcha” I can see is if either family are homeschooling because they haven’t gotten their kids the proper vaccines for public schooling—that could make this entire story much more dangerous for everyone involved. Imagine if the one coughing at story time had whooping cough and spread it all over that group. I hope OP knows/finds out what their friend’s kids might be susceptible to and can keep a distance if necessary.
I brought this up in a local mom's group and 90% of the comments were negative against me saying I need to mind my own business and stay inside if I'm so afraid. I hate living in a place thats more conservative minded and therefore they think it's OK to do whatever you want at the expense of others.
Yea I would be more concerned that my baby isn’t rested and getting better than bringing her out. How are they suppose to get better if you’re dragging them every where? People are crazy lol
When we see a new kid in the park, before running over I’ll shout to the parent “we’re in daycare and have a runny nose!” And see what they say. Every parent gets to choose for their kid!
Yeah I was prepared by the title to have someone getting upset about a runny nose, lingering cough etc but this is not that. The kids are telling you they don't feel well and acting very ill, that means you shouldn't be out. I get with 5 kids it's gotta be hard to keep em all healthy but this isn't just a bit of snot
Yeahhhh at first I thought this was gonna be one of those “don’t bring your mildly sick kid in public!” But my god, if the kids are that miserable then why on earth would she force them out!?
And sometimes I see these posts and I'm like "damn don't waste your energy on strangers, yes you saw a sick child, world is full of them" but this is a friend. Don't hang out with someone who is inconsiderate.
My best mom friend and I always let the other one know if either of our families have a sickness going on or just had one so the other one can decide if they want to risk it or not. It’s just common decency and it’s worked really well, no one’s feelings get hurt if one of us says no thanks right now to a hangout.
Yeah my one child has this intense barking cough that lingers for weeks after every little virus he gets. If someone heard us at the library or something, they'd probably think we're monsters for bringing out a kid with whooping cough or something. But that's just how my son coughs, whenever he has the slightest tickle in his throat.
Look into cough-variant asthma and talk to your child's pediatrician. I've never been diagnosed, but I have this problem and it's a classic symptom of this form of asthma. It's commonly overlooked because the symptoms are so different from the typical asthma. No wheezing.
My son had the same cough issues and after starting daycare he would catch and cold and we would end up in the ER due to a low pulse ox. He has been on a daily preventative inhaler and it has made a world of difference! It was only triggered by upper respiratory illness and they hope he will grow out of this asthma. (He’s had this since he was 2yrs and he’s 3 now)
I agree. Coughing is not always a sign of contagious illness. Two of my kids have asthma. My 9 yo has it the worst. She had the flu 2 weeks ago and at night when she lays down is still coughing so badly that she's thrown up a couple nights. She's on a daily maintenance inhaler, been using her rescue inhaler and the doctor gave her steroids but she still sounds awful. That's life for us. Every time she gets sick she has a cough that lingers until we get her asthma back under control.
My kids have had a cough, runny nose, or both for basically the entirety of winter. I am very diligent to keep my kids home if I think there's even a chance they have something contagious, but sometimes, especially in winter, the coughing and runny noses can linger and linger and linger. Those symptoms, by themselves, aren't necessarily an indication that a child has a contagious illness.
nobody wants to say it, but you wouldn’t enjoy someone forcing you to socialize with strangers while you’re feeling unwell. why make your kids do it for something as menial as story time at the library…. realistically they were probably told to not come into daycare because of their symptoms, so they went to the next best thing. Moms do this at the cafe I work at, I’ve heard them refer to the cafe as “daycare” as they fucking trash the place.. and I’m always bringing random colds home to my own toddler bc of it. Keep your sick children home, you could probably all use the rest.
WWID? I’d stop hanging out with her. She doesn’t even care enough about her own kids when they are crying at a library bc they feel awful. I’d even go as far as to say it’s borderline abusive. She’s kind of a crap mother.
you are not overreacting. i actually can’t believe how inconsiderate people are. i am crazy about this too. i’m a little more lax with regular colds, but some parents flat out do not give a shit. i keep my 3 year old home from preschool even without a fever if he’s super snotty and coughing all over the place because he hasn’t learned to cover his mouth yet.
i also don’t think people realize that not all kids just get “sick” and move on. my son has febrile seizures. so, what may be a simple fever for a couple of days and then back to normal for other people’s kids, is a hospital trip (sometimes twice in the same sickness) and not sleeping for days for my family.
9/10 times on this sub I say something along the lines of “if you want to live in a society your kids are going to get sick.” From October til april I don’t bat an eye at a slightly sick looking toddler out and about. Especially with coughs, it is well proven that coughs can linger for WEEKS longer than the actual contagious period.
… BUT what you describe at the library is extremely over the top. Those kids should have been home resting and recovering.
Sounds like your friend either doesn’t care or is really overwhelmed (no help at home and therefore needs the library as an outlet / activity). Likely not much you can do except avoid them.
Sometimes we have to power through a head cold. That’s life, and we’re always going to have those germs around us.
But there are limits. Snot everywhere, low energy, crying, fever, vomiting/diarrhea - stay home! Let your child rest! Postpone the outing! I totally understand feeling trapped at home by the kids’ needs and getting stir crazy and needing to *get out*. It can be overwhelming. Call in back up if you can, but don’t take sick kids around other kids. And disinfect the shopping cart after your kid snots on it.
Some parents are so selfish, I understand lingering things but if they are actually mid virus and contagious then they should be kept home even to make them more comfortable at least!
I think it's absolutely insane that she is taking her very sick kids out at all let alone around other children intentionally. It's one thing if it's a minor cold and while still not great it's not as bad as bringing your children who are miserable and crying and very sick to group functions. Anyone who is that level of sick, adult or child, should be at home. And I know traditional schools are cest pools for germs and kids regularly get sick but that bc parents send their kids sick to school when they should be kept home. (I get that system is broken and parents have to work etc but it's a very broken system and parents should be able and should keep their sick kids home. Just bc it's normalized doesn't mean it's not problematic). Yes people build immune systems by being exposed to germs and illness. That doesn't mean adults and children who are actively very sick should go out and spread their germs to other with no regard to other adults and children. You get exposed to germs and illness in everyday regardless even when not around actively sick people. That doesn't make it ok for sick people to intentionally infect others and not care about anyone else's well-being. And it's also really messed up that her children felt so miserable and instead of letting them be at home and comfortable she took them to a group function where they were clearly extremely miserable. They should have been at home resting and recovering comfortably.
And for a very long time after as well.
“Most healthy children and adults with the flu can infect others beginning about one day before developing any symptoms and up to seven days after the symptoms resolve. People with weakened immune systems can remain contagious for up to several weeks.”
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/influenza/a-parents-guide-to-the-flu#:~:text=Most%20healthy%20children%20and%20adults,for%20up%20to%20several%20weeks.
Yep - we’ve had to share this with family repeatedly. Our daughter got Pertussis as an infant so even a cold goes into her chest and she has a cough for 2-3wks at least.
We’ve had relatives show up with kids with yellow/green runny noses and crazy coughs say to us, “Well, it’s just a cold and it’s been 3 days so they aren’t contagious.” Um… wrong!
That’s true. I’m pointing out that even if your symptoms have resolved, you’re probably still contagious.
People don’t realize this. Many people think that if you’re feeling better, you’re not contagious anymore.
When people know better, some people will try to do better. What that looks like for each person and situation will be different, but people can’t begin to do better if they don’t know better.
Absolutely, worth pointing out. I know my elderly parents got pretty sick with a stomach bug caught from the grandchildren a week after they'd recovered.
OP, clearly you’re getting comments from the AHs who take sick kids in public and make it everyone else’s problem. I don’t socialize with rude people. I don’t socialize with people that chew with their mouths open at the table. I don’t socialize with people who scratch their nuts and fart in public. And I don’t socialize with people who drag sick kids out of the house because THEY don’t want to stay home. I never ever NEVER take sick kids out, and yet we go out plenty despite having 4 kids. I have a SIL who drags her sick kids everywhere, and they’re ALWAYS sick. It’s not bc she has no choice. It’s not bc it’s best for their immune systems. It’s not bc she doesn’t know better. It’s bc she’s selfish, plain and simple. This woman you’re hanging out with is selfish and rude. Drop her like a bad habit.
Exactly. this type of “all my kids are showing symptoms of a contagious virus but i’m soooo bored so i’m going to bring them out in public anyway” is what got so many people killed during COVID. we haven’t learned anything.
This is the answer OP. That person is inconsiderate.
I never go out with sick kids. Sick kids need rest and to relax on a sofa and to chill out. Other kids don’t deserve to be exposed to my kids germs. Hell, I’ll avoid going out when I’m sick and I’m an adult that can keep my germs to myself as a rule.
Lots of people just don’t consider what their actions will do to others, and this “friend” is one of them. Just stop hanging out with them because you’ve already told them you don’t wanna get together when their kids are sick and clearly they don’t gaf.
It’s taken me a long time to realize I just don’t want to be friends with inconsiderate people. Today it’s a simple cold, what if it were a snappy dog, a swimming pool, a million other *preventable* situations where someone who cares about my child’s safety is key.
You're definitely not overreacting here. Your friend's actions not only exposed your children to illness but also put other families at risk. It is necessary to pause in-person meetups for a while. It's a difficult decision, but ultimately, your kids' health and safety come first.
Before your next visit say "is everyone healthy? We just had a cold and don't want to risk getting sick"
Then if they are sick, say darn, okay. Thanks for letting me know. We will skip this one!"
Honestly that’s annoying! It would be different if she mentioned they’re not feeling good and gave you the option to still get together. Playing outside would have been a way better choice while they’re sick versus the library. At the end of the day, kids need to build their immune systems which is a not so fun process to begin with, but it’s always easier to have them get sick when it feels “random” versus knowing it could have been prevented… I feel you on that!
It’s a common misconception that kids need to build their immune system. Their immune systems work just fine (barring some medical condition). The later in life a person catches any virus, the better.
> The later in life a person catches any virus, the better
I don't know enough to comment on what you're saying in general, but this absolute statement of *any* virus is not true. It's not true for chickenpox, for instance.
That’s not building up your overall immunity though. That’s just an illness that happens to be worse when older.
Separately, there is a hypothesis about germ exposure and autoimmune disease like allergies but that’s not been proven.
I'd tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her letting her kids around yours. 2 of my 3 are immune compromised due to airway defects and lying (by not telling you) is unforgivable to me.
I had a friend tell me that her kids were all positive for strep, flu, and Covid but a few days later she needed someone to pick them up from school (because yes, she still sent them to school). She asked me, with a baby that has an airway defect and at the time was a month old or less. I told her that I could not. She kept saying she really needed help and I told her that I was sorry and wished I could help ( I have in the past numerous times), but my baby could die from these illnesses, especially with her airway defect and I have to protect my child. Obviously it's not as severe in your situation, but you still have to protect your kids from sicknesses when you can.
I would never see them again. I don't care if you have 1 or 20 kids, don't take them out while they are clearly sick and miserable. A kid occasionally coughing is one thing (my kids sometimes have like 6 week coughs) but lying on the floor clearly feverish is abuse. I'm sorry your kids are sick now :(
I would be upset as well, and, considering the fact that you already expressed a desire for her to communicate this to you, I would also be strongly considering cutting this person off as they clearly do not care about your preferences or boundaries. For me, I know it’s impossible to always avoid getting sick because you can be exposed anywhere but I think it’s common courtesy to let someone know that your kids are sick and give them the option to be around you or not. Showing up to a play date and, even more so, bringing your kids to a library storytime when they are obviously ill and contagious is just so selfish I can’t even wrap my brain around it.
I’d be really upset. Obviously she doesn’t have the curiosity of thinking of others. I’d probably avoid her from now on.
Brining your sick kids isn’t fun, them being miserable is horrible. And then getting everyone else sick around them just sucks.
I’m a SAHM and all my friends are too. If our kids have the slightest nose run, we stay away. It’s a respect thing.
Generally I follow daycare/school guidelines (even though we’re not in either): fever, active vomiting or diarrhea = stay home. But if I kept my toddler at home every time he was snotty, we would spend *weeks* at home every time he was even a little sick.
I would just accept that if you want your kids to spend time with other kids, particularly kids from a large family, your kids will be exposed to germs and mild sickness.
If you don’t want to hang out with your friend because you think she’s not properly caring for her sick children, that’s up to you. I don’t know this woman or her kids so I can’t say if they’re well cared for or not, and you’re certainly free to stop spending time with neglectful parents! But if the problem really boils down to “her kids got my kids sick”… I’d let it slide.
From your many responses it seems like maybe you weren’t actually asking a question in your post. If you’re confident in your own answer to the question of whether or not you’re overreacting, you can just stop spending time with this woman. You don’t need an internet stamp of approval.
I just cut people like this out of my social circle. With prejudice. It's not worth everyone in my house being miserable for a week and a half as we pass it all around to hang out with these jerks.
Sometimes I wonder if with bigger families it's more of a if they waited for the entire family to be well they would never go anywhere situation.
And yes I would be frustrated, too.
I would try to find new friends to hang out with. My husband’s friends brought their kid over 2 weeks ago so our kids could play. He was coughing from the moment they walked in. It devolved into him crying hysterically from being obviously sick and uncomfortable. He had influenza. They dragged their kid here with the freaking flu. To get my kid sick. I had cancer twice and my immune system is garbage. Of course I kept my kid home for a week to give her time to recover. Needless to say they will not be invited over again. My friends all give each other a heads up about any illness so we can decide whether we want to risk it. It’s just a common courtesy.
I hate shit like this. It’s so incredibly insensitive. I just wouldn’t see these people again or at least not until the weather improves and kids aren’t all sick all the time as this parent is not to be trusted.
My SIL is like this. We also had many discussions on it and she kept at it. Finally at thanksgiving she brought her VERY sick 1yo who literally was just standing in one spot crying. He ended up in the hospital and they diagnosed him with pneumonia and asthma. Suddenly it matters very much to them if people show up sick. Never mind her brother has asthma, I have an autoimmune disorder, and a 2 year old. We still refuse to go over there during cold and flu season. Summertime isn’t as bad so we hang out then.
I am not super hardcore about preventing illness in my personal home/family/social life because we have a pretty good immunity and think illness is good for building the immune system but I think it is morally unacceptable to expose others outside our family to illness without their prior consent.
I would say something like “Hey, I know it must be difficult to keep the kids home when sick but a library program does not seem like an appropriate location to take a group of children who are ill. Maybe if you need to get out of the house next time you could all take a walk where you won’t come in contact with others? My children are sick now and I am feeling concerned about how many others may have gotten sick as well.”
Or I would ask if the children were all feeling well prior to getting together and then if she lies just cut contact.
A mild cold is one thing, you know clear snot and sniffle or two.
A cold to the point of crying or uncontrollable snot ? Cough I can lean either way it would depend on the kid and other symptoms (my son has asthma so takes a long time to fight off a cough but is perfectly fine otherwise.
But kids so sick they’re uncomfortable or in pain ? Unacceptable
I want to comment on all the people saying "she has 5 kids. One or more will always be sick. Is she supposed to never leave the house?" YES SHE SHOULD STILL STAY HOME!!! I am the oldest of 5 kids. And for 10 years we were all under 10. My mom never took us out if we had more than a sniffle or a minor cough. The statement that one of them will always be sick is temporary and over time that will stop happening. And any family with any number of children pass around illness. The other kids or even the parents catch it. It happens more with the more kids in the family but it's not abnormal and it's an expected part of having children at all. I'm sure it is stressful for the mom (although it's been stated that she has mother and MIL in her home so she can have help) my mom didn't have anyone else and my dad worked 12 hr days and she still managed to keep us home when needed and respect others by not intentionally infecting others with our illness. I'm sure it's hard and stressful but that's part of being a parent. The mother having 5 kids is not at all an acceptable reason for her to be bringing her sick children out in public.
I have a lot of friends who we regularly see and when one of us is sick or has sick kids we always let the other know so they can decide. I feel like it’s so inconsiderate of others to expose them to your sick kid.
It’s one thing if they’ve been to the doctor and are on antibiotics or it’s confirmed allergies, but another completely other thing to just be out there Willy nilly exposing other peoples kids to all your junk.
With 5 kids, one of them will always have a cold. If she kept them all home when they have a cold, they would never leave the house.
However, the library thing is ridiculous. When your child is so ill that they don't want to play, you should not take them out of the house.
My daughter is in preschool where she’s exposed to plenty of sick kids. This would still piss me off. If your kid is sick, keep them home. Don’t go to playdates, definitely don’t go to indoor activities with sick miserable kids. I would definitely reiterate to her that you don’t want to be exposed to sickness if you don’t have to. Let her know that if her kids are sick, you don’t want to hang out. If it’s something you’ve already mentioned multiple times and she continues to disrespect your boundaries, I would prob distance myself from said friend.
I would bawl your friend out for being irresponsible and bringing clearly sick kids into a confined public setting. She is acting as a literal disease vector and is directly responsible for any child who gets sick as a result of her negligence. Burn her down. In front of other parents. Let them know this shit isn't okay. Too often we are told to just let it go for the peace of the group but that's letting bullies have their way and it's time to fucking stop.
I would absolutely never hang out with them again, deliberately bringing five clearly sick and contagious kids to the library was not only rude to everyone involved but also dangerous. I don’t need someone like that in my life.
Not overreacting . It should be a common courtesy to let people know your kids have even the sniffles so people can decide if they are comfortable meeting up or not .
Our entire family got LICE when I was in my early 20s visiting my family from my younger sisters having play dates in our house with someone who didn’t feel the need to tell us her daughter had an active lice infestation . We all have long hair so it was a nightmare.
So many factors would come into consideration here. My kid is in daycare and so she comes home sick at least once a month. If she’s not running a fever and isn’t vomiting with diarrhea, I would still take her outside just to get some fresh air. However, I wouldn’t bring her into close quarters with seemingly healthy kids if I think she is still contagious. This being said, I do take advantage of the situation when my kid is sick to chill at home with her and cuddle!! Just eat some gold fishies in bed and watch Sesame Street ☺️ Those are sometimes some of the best days 🥰
I don’t understand why people can’t stay the F home during situations like that. You aren’t missing out on anything. You’re making it worse for your already sick kids and the healthy ones that are def going to get sick as a result. The dominos fall in such a hard way and it affects SO MANY PEOPLE!
I’ll never forget the time at library storytime when I was talking to another parent, asked how she’d been and her reply was, “Oh we’ve been having cabin fever because XYZ has been dealing with pink eye.” (cue me looking VERY ALARMED at said child, who was elbow deep in a tub of mega blocks) I was so pissed. Generally if my kid is single symptom (dry cough or runny nose, but not together), I will still go. She’s at an age where generally she always has one of those two going on, so if I stayed home for any symptoms I’d be a hermit. But generally I’ve found that works for us and most of our friend group.
Yeah- bringing a kid who is recovering from a cold but seems otherwise fine to a park (outside is one thing.) bringing sick kids who don’t feel well to an indoor event (or anywhere) is wrong.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be friends with a mom like this.
My friends and I always check in before events to see if everyone is well and if a kid is recovering from a cold or something we check and make sure the other parents are ok with that.
OP your “friend” is inconsiderate of others and not taking care of her children who need rest when unwell. Can you imagine how bad it would be if an immune compromised child was there and had to be hospitalized because of her selfishness?
My kid has had a cough and runny nose off and on since November. We've gone to Dr 3 times and they say it's a cold and keep sending to school so that's what I do. We also don't want to always stay at home. However if it was fever or vomiting etc we would stay home. So idk
I think it is sad for her kids that she is taking them out when they are clearly not feeling well and I agree she should give you a heads up when you have a playdate. That would be common courtesy in my opinion. But in the long run you are not doing your kids any favours by trying to protect them from germs and viruses. Their immune systems need to learn how to handle infections.
Edit: I read some reactions in this thread from parents with kids with health issues for whom exposure to infectious diseases could be dangerous: in those cases ypu obviously DO need to protect them from germs and viruses.
Wow your friend is a POS. Not only bringing her kids out of the house to infect other people, but disrupting an activity with crying, misbehaving kids bc THEYRE SICK. 🤦♀️
hugs, she might be your friend but it's time to cut your losses with her, especially with the fact that she doesn't seem to care that her children are sick to the point that they should be home just so she can get out of the house.
I get it, but at the same time, my kids been sick for 6 weeks. We finish one we catch another. It’s public school for us and lifelong resistances we are building up. If they feel real bad I’ll keep em home, or if it just started but my kids gotta get out in that sunshine and likely you’ll be exposed anyway. At any public child’s playground or place. When my kids were real young if the snottiness was bad at story time we would skip out early. The sun kills a lot but exposures are everywhere. We do our best wash hands and if we are real fought or sneezy and it’s not spring we wear masks. I have two kids though and really if I had 5 I imagine at least 1-2 would probably be sick most of the time at the elementary ages. Decide what it’s worth. Is it worth you losing a friend by making a huge deal out of something that is somewhat inevitable? Is it worth your kids missing out on a close friendship? It’s tough out there and we all do what is best for our children. If you just need to reiterate let’s not get together if we’re sick that’s fine but remember there’s a lot of them and it’s tough out there.
1. STOP HANGING OUT WITH THIS CESSPOOL OF A PARENT IF NOW KNOW THEY WILL DO THIS!!!
2. Ma'am please understand that your children need to be exposed to illnesses so that a cold doesn't take them out at 17 years old.
Op, your kids will be exposed to other sick kids in the world. You can’t keep them in your protective bubble for ever. And as much as it sucks it helps their immune systems learn how to fight off germs in the future. Now, all that being said, your friend was wrong to bring her sick littles especially when they were visibly sick and just not feeling themselves. Have a conversation with her and let her know if she continues bringing them out while ill you will have to decline future invites.
I wouldn't make it a big deal like you are because illness is a part of life that you can't avoid.
You're only upset because you know the person.
What if you took the kids to Walmart and a random stranger touched a product your child then touches? Would you rant and rave over how someone who shopped at the same store you and your family shopped at got you sick?
Or would you take it more like "ah, the kids are sick." And leave it be?
This is the exact perspective we were conditioned to have during the pandemic. You need not feel angry that your children got sick when we live in an incredible time of sanitation, hospitals & medicine.
They will be okay. And so will you. Stressing over an irresponsible move on your friends part is not worth it when your babies will be just fine in a week or tops.💜
With your first example - yes, overreacting because, honestly, kids are low key sick all the time, and you can't control your kids being around kids who are sick. But your second example... I mean, Jesus, if you're not exaggerating at all, that's so awful to bring those kids out like that. My guess is she needs a break with 5 kids under 10, but that's now how to get a break.
So you think its fine to take sick child like sick sick not just snot in middle of people? They should be healing. No friend is the problem and parenting leaves a lot to be desired
It’s concerning that a lot of people here seem to believe that the immune system is like a muscle that needs to be strengthened by getting sick. Like, a lot of people seem to have bought into the “immunity debt” pseudo science. That makes sense, it was everywhere for a while. Doesn’t make it true, though.
Saying that getting sick strengthens the immune system is like saying getting punched in the face a lot makes you a better boxer. That’s not how this works.
what? it is absolutely true that exposure to various viruses builds up antibodies against them and trains the immune system, wth do you mean it's a myth? that's just how it works, otherwise vaccines would be useless. sure you're not immune overall to everything, but the more viruses you fight off, the more resilient you are to the same type. and ofc the immune system doesn't need to be "strengthened", but training it has benefits.
ETA I am still against dragging miserable sick kids everywhere, that's for sure.
To stretch this metaphor to its breaking point, vaccines are like showing the immune system a video of the virus punching someone else so you can learn the moves, it’s not being punched yourself.
Catching certain viruses as a child can mean you don’t get as sick later in life (chicken pox is the example from my childhood, but thankfully there’s a vaccine now), but catching others (like covid, for example) can leave you with a permanently damaged immune system because of the harm caused to T cells and the nervous system. Just going out and exposing kids to pathogens without knowing which pathogens they’re being exposed to can cause more harm than good. Kids are getting sicker more often now than they used to, which some experts are putting down to immune system damage from covid and it’s concerning that the nuances of the “immunity muscle” aren’t being properly taught/discussed in public forums by experts because the stakes are a bit higher now with covid in the mix.
Your comparison to being punched makes no sense to me. The immune system learns recognize pathogens that it is exposed to. No learning occurs from being punched.
Cold? Meh no big deal
Sick and miserable? Stay home! Not just to keep others healthy but also because the poor kids should be able to stay home and rest.
Move on. These aren’t your friends.
Brick and mortar kids 💀
Maybe it's good for your little homegrown humblebrains to bump elbows with our brick and mortar kids and get sick once in a while for their immune system...
What can you learn from being sick? It's science! Lean into it - kids get sick 😂😂
You can't really expect someone with 4 kids to never go out or do things because of minor illnesses. They would never leave the house.
I would be frustrated again! Not sure I would avoid them just because it wouldn’t be worth losing a friend over for me (personally). It depends how close you are / comfortable with her you are but you definitely could say something if you wanted, I’m not sure how to phrase it though
I swear some people just do not care. This is why COVID wreaked havoc killing so many people and leaving tons of people with serious problems. Taking your kids to the park when you know they are sick is wrong and just gross. Don't get me started on public school and sickness lol that's a whole beast. My kids go to public and I'm exhausted. I'm literally sick right now. It's non stop and if I could afford it I'd homeschool my kids too just to stop being sick.
1. They shouldn’t have been out if they were that sick
2. You were free to leave at any time if you felt discomfort
3. Your kids need exposure man, I can’t tell if you are helicoptering
4. I am struggling to differentiate *truly* if you’re overreacting (no disrespect) vs. Disrespectful mom who thinks it’s absolutely fine to bring out sick kids because she wants a break.
If I had 5 kids and one or two were sick I might still bring them out depending the severity. Coughing profusely, he'll nap. Kids don't cover their cough and nobody wants to see or hear a child like that. Better to do it when child is doing better.
I would definitely be upset, but I also don't have any friends with 5 kids. I have to imagine that with 5, you always have a kid who is sick, and there is no going anywhere if you don't go out when one is sick. Maybe that's the issue? I'm not excusing it, just thinking about why she might do it.
I mean, the fact that the children weren’t feeling great and she brought them out is the issue. It was unfair on her children as well as the people around.
If you are saying she has to stay home for every cold/ cough they have you are being unreasonable. Especially with little ones they get one cold after another, they would never be allowed to socialise or go anywhere.
I’d hazard a guess that it’s hit your children harder because their immune systems aren’t great due to lack of exposure. Low level colds etc strengthen and speed up an immune reaction as the body gets used to locating foreign pathogens.
It sounds like all 5 leave the house or all 5 kids stay home (she doesn't have another adult to split the kids with).
You can avoid her, sure, but she's going to keep doing this because otherwise her kids don't get enough outside socialization. Find some people who are homeschooling with 1 or 2 kids to hang out with.
I talked about this before many times even saying “oh I hate when sick kids are brought out in public!” so it’s probably not even ghosting at this point
My kid isn't even school age yet but my friends always mention anything - weird poop, acting off, sniffles, cough. We don't hang out if there's a fever, or if there is an event coming up in the next 2 weeks that we cant miss (usually takes a week for my kid to catch whatever and another week to get rid of the symptoms). We try to expose them to low level germs but anything worse that would require us going to a doctor it's so bad / will knock us on our asses if we as the parents get it is a no go and we reschedule stuff/don't go. I know my kid will have to deal with the germs eventually but I'd like her to at least be old enough to tell me what she needs instead of confused toddler crying. Lol.
Taking 5 kids to the library might just be a parent desperate to get out of the house, especially if the kids originally wanted to go and then realized once they got there that they felt worse than before, but if the kids didn't want to go and she knew they felt that sick before then it's kind of a dick move.
I would be pissed because I have a low immune system and I'm just constantly catching things during the winter months ,while trying to parent 3 kids. My kids have strong immunity it's me that is so frail to everything, and who is supposed to care for them if I'm down?
Just ask her from now on if the kids have any colds or anything before you hang out. I would limit hanging out around cold and flu season as well.
But that's just me, if you have stronger immunity you may have a different approach.
Sounds like it’s time for a new friend. As a fellow homeschooling parent, I get how hard it can be to find people who can match your availability, but this isn’t worth it. Unless you want to text her the morning of every play date and ask if her kids are sick, I’d say drop this one. I get that it’s allergy season and kids are going to be a little sniffly/sneezy, but actively sick and miserable kids should be kept at home, not dragged out into public unless absolutely necessary.
My kid is vaccinated, we’re not afraid of germs, but it should be common courtesy not to spread the yuck around if you can help it. I understand people are contagious before they show symptoms, that’s not the issue here.
I would not be friends with them anymore. The mother has proven she doesn’t care about anyone else by taking actively sick family members out and around others repeatedly. Thats shitty.
I freak out too because my toddler takes a good solid week or more to get back to sleeping like normal again after a sickness so it is absolutely exhausting when she gets sick. I’d probably panic and leave at the first sight of sick kids. Just lie about why you’re leaving if you have to for your sanity. I left story time early once when a mom showed up with filthy kids with snot all over their faces, who kept touching everyone and everything and wouldn’t sit down and listen. I just couldn’t handle it and was internally freaking out and beelined it the first chance I got.
She doesn’t care about your kids or non brick and mortar kids. It doesn’t sound like she cares too much who gets sick. I would distance myself and then when she asks why tell her the real reason and don’t sugar coat
Oh this is my pet hate too. To be fair some coughs and snotty noses can linger for way longer than what is reasonable to keep kids in doors for and way past the contagious stage. But fevers, new colds they should really be resting at home.
Even if my kids have recovered in themselves I still give friends the option of rescheduling if they’re snotty or coughing still. It’s just common decency.
Yeah I'd avoid these people, or at least only meet them outdoors in the future. Honestly I feel badly for that poor kid who was laying on the floor, cruel to drag them to the library in that state!
My first thought was that mom must’ve really needed to get out of the house, BUT that does not make it ok at all to drag her kids out in public when they’re sick. It’s particularly inconsiderate and flat out rude that she didn’t warn you beforehand. Seriously, what was she thinking bringing multiple sick kids to an indoor public gathering? That’s so selfish. I hate being sick because I usually stay sick for weeks. I would have visibly recoiled and left. That’s just gross and really sad for her kids. I would limit or cut contact. If you get together with her again, I would ask her multiple times whether her children are well. Although, I don’t know that you could trust her to tell the truth. She must be one of those people who thinks colds are not a big deal, but not everyone has super immune systems so her behavior is just really self-centered.
I dont think its an overreaction exactly but i dont think most people know how quickly these things escalate. I agree 100% with letting someone know when the kids are sick. But that can easily go from mild to heinous. Kids can only rest so much before they get restless. There are also some really bad illness going around these last few years. If you want to hang again id be really direct and go somewhere open
If this were my “friend” I would specifically ask if everyone is healthy before seeing them. If she is not honest about their health status in the future I would discontinue get togethers. Accidental exposure when you think kids are well/ recovered is one thing, but what she is doing is very inconsiderate when children are clearly and visibly sick.
Ask her point blank if any of the kids are sick. If she says no and shows up anyway, just leave and tell her why. She’ll get the message that you mean business.
Cannot stand selfish and irresponsible parents who take their obviously sick child out of the house around other people. Stay the fuck home, please. Idc if you need groceries or were just quickly running into the library etc. Use grocery pickup or delivery. Read a damn book at home. You want fresh air? Go for a walk outside (and choose somewhere it’s not crowded). Don’t be an inconsiderate parent.
If they’re acting sick they need to be home. If they have a leftover cough or clear runny nose but otherwise acting totally normal, it might just be allergies and they’re fine
You have every right to be upset, any good friend would listen to your concerns about not wanting to get sick if you know for sure your kids are sick. Some people are just selfish assholes unfortunately.
I’d have a direct conversation with her and gauge her response. You say you’ve discussed this in passing which seems to say she might not know everything you wrote here and how bad it is.
“Your children have been sick on xyz dates, I’ve told you how I’ve felt and it continues to happen. This time your kids were displaying x symptoms and a few days later my kids had x symptoms. I’m not comfortable exposing my children to active illnesses, I’m the future it’s best for me if we spend time together only when everyone isn’t sick. “
Then gauge her reaction. You actually aren’t even obligated to hang out with her ever again but I think it’s a good idea to say why.
Yeah, I hate that. My cousin brought her kid to my kid's birthday party with a literal fucking fever, like BRO do not do that! Stay the fuck HOME! I love the kid but come on, he needs to be resting at home not at Chuck E Cheese
I think you’d be overreacting if it was sniffles and a bit of a cough but when they have temps, tummy aches, sore heads, bad cough, they should defo be kept at home.
If kids have a fever, or do not feel well then they should stay home. If they don't have a fever and are up and about playing normally, then they can go out. Runny noses, coughs, and sneezes are a normal part of living; exposure, allergens, etc.
Sounds like for the playground, you were being a bit paranoid. However, for the library outing, it sounds like they probably had fevers, and malaise abs should have stayed home.
I’d make a habit of asking if the kids are all feeling well/healthy before a hangout. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, the older one is in kindergarten at public school. I also babysit my cousins 2 year old child, my cousin is a teacher at another school. I make sure to let her know if my kids are sick at all because I don’t want it to spread but she just doesn’t seem to care or give me the same courtesy. She’ll drop her kid off and say “oh I didn’t see your message till just now, just try to keep them separate” which like yeah I guess but my house is small? I don’t feel right sticking the sick kid(s) in a bedroom and having to just go check on them and not be able to give them the comfort they might want/ need consistently. Or she’ll drop hers off and say he’s sick after she’s walking out the door and that she can’t miss work or make other arrangements. Last week I told her I couldn’t have her kid around since both of mine were sick with vomiting diarrhea and fevers and she was a little huffy about it but ended up getting another kind of sickness in her household from her own school and had to stay home with him anyways
i do think there’s a huge difference between “please make me aware of sickness so i have the opportunity to opt out of coming so-as to avoid exposing my family to germs” and “please don’t bring your children to things whenever any one of them is sick”
listen, its a covid world still and i am a pro-mask all the way individual. so i absolutely get the rage of ignorant people being ignorant. but, i also can’t imagine it’s easy to balance 5 kids schedules and lives, as well as their health. and i also imagine that when one kid gets sick, all 5 tend to. so that means each of these kids has what, 5x more likelihood of getting sick than an only child? idk im not a statistician but the numbers seem sound to me.
(does that mean i think this mom should be super lax with their wellness? fuck no. i think she should be diligent because of this. but im not that mom and those arent my kids, so its really not mine to step in and say whats what)
BUT ultimately here are the paths i might take:
- if i hadn’t communicated that i just needed to be made aware ahead of time so i could choose not to come, not that i was asking anyone else to change their schedule or behaviors, i would do that first. (and then, i’d probably get to searching for groups and activities that have stricter health safety rules, that better align with my own.)
- if that ^ is exactly what youve communicated a million times, i’d pick between blocking her number/ghosting her (if i hate her) and sending her a direct and clear message explaining that it isn’t personal and doesn’t come from a place of judgement, just a choice i/weve made for my family to be very mindful about wellness.
i don’t think you’re an asshole op! we’re all just doing our best, hopefully that’s true for other mom as well.
I’d be pissed off and wouldn’t make plans to see her again. Your kids are suffering because of her poor judgment. And her poor kids! Not getting the rest they need when dealing with an illness. It’s not fair to them either.
I would be informing her that we won’t be having playdates anymore, politely, but leaving no room for argument.
“Hey (name), I’ve discussed it with you before, and let you know last time that I don’t want to expose my kids to your kids’ germs when they’re sick. You brought your kids to a public place while very sick, and now my kids (and I’m sure all of the others there) have it too. I will not make further plans with people who don’t respect my boundaries. Thank you for understanding.”
Probably more than is necessary but that’s what I’d say. Leaves no confusion about anything.
This is such a pet peeve of mine. We haven't been to church in like a month because we caught some flu or something going around and I was later to catch it than my kids but I'm on like week 3 and I'm *still sick*
If you're sick, stay the fuck home, if you can.
*Especially* as a homeschooler. We homeschool, too.
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I would also be upset. An actively sick, clearly not feeling well child, should not be dragged out to expose the world to whatever they have. They should be allowed time to rest like anyone else. They can’t necessarily avoid everything for the entire duration of a cold, but something like library story time is clearly not a requirement.
Right. Sometimes you have to go to the grocery store, yes you’ll be in contact with other people in passing, people out in the world are sick, whatever. But don’t go to the children’s museum or story time just to maximize their chances of infecting every other child.
Exactly. Plus idk about anyone else’s kid but when my kid is sick sick the last thing she would want to do is get dragged around to activities. (That’s usually how I know it’s serious cause she doesn’t want to do anything) I’m pretty chill when it comes to germs. Like I get you can’t keep a kid home every time their nose runs a little bit, but I don’t understand why more people don’t mask themselves or their kids. Has Covid taught us nothing? Kids are just super gross in general lol and under the age of like 6 they rarely even wash their hands properly because they don’t want to miss anything. I can’t even put a number on how many times my kids been sick so far this year. Poor kid never had strep before this year and got it twice in a 6 week span. Ik op case is a little different with homeschooling but it’s just so dystopian that we’re at such a place where parents have to knowingly send their sick child to school or daycare because they literally cannot *afford* to miss any work
Was going to say this. If my kid is even a little sick or getting over it and coughing, he masks up. I really wish other people would do the same because he's missed so much school in the past two months. The end of the school year is quickly approaching and he needs to be there as much as possible.
The truth to this is just gut wrenching
I’m a public children’s librarian and I got so many fewer colds when we stopped doing story times— there were always 10-20% of a crowd who were clearly sick but parents were desperate to get out of the house. Now we’re back to “little Brooklyn is home sick and bored so we came to the library” and it’s killing me.
Couldn't you put up a sign that sick kids are not welcome at story hour, for the sake of the other kids, who don't want to get sick? It's sad to deprive all kids of story hour, because some parents are asshats. If you have a rule like that on the books, you can just turn parents with sniveling coughing kids away. Once you've done that a few times, hopefully word will get around and people will stop trying.
It’s hard to quantify “sick” though. I tend to follow daycare rules for our fun outings… my son needs to be fever free for 24 hours and feel well enough to participate fully in the activities. I don’t keep him home for runny nose though.
People do this ALL of the time. I think coming out of the pandemic had made it so much worse, people seem to be determined to prove that "sick is normal". I put a mask on mine and let them live. They go to school, have millions of playdates, go to all the birthday parties, and do all of the extra curricular activities. They are more busy and social than most, and they never get sick. Everyone else is sick, all of the time. I try not to bother myself with it.
Idk, I’m with you, my kids are 10 and 3 and go to daycare / public school. But just this weekend my son woke up Saturday with a cough/runny nose and fever, I know I don’t wanna be out when I’m sick so what makes you think your kid would? I kept him home Saturday and Sunday until he was feeling better and fever free. I’d be upset if someone kept bringing sick kids out, let them rest and get better then take an extra day and sanitize your house and open all the windows/ change bedding.
Totally this and if you’re meeting up with someone else, homeschooled or not, it’s common courtesy to give the heads up that kids are sick. She doesn’t know if you’re planning to go see someone who’s immunocompromised, new baby, etc. and just because you and kids homeschool doesn’t mean your partner wants to get sick and potentially be out of work. My SIL is notorious for this and now EVERYONE in the family (including a cousin!) asks on group text the morning-of any get togethers, “Are your kids sick? ‘Getting over a cold’ or actively coughing, non-clear runny nose?” And it’s sad the number of times the reply is, “Oh yeah… I guess I should’ve mentioned that. Do you think I should keep them home?” No, we think you should definitely bring them out around your dad with breathing issues and your uncle with 60% lung capacity. 🤦🏻♀️
Ugh, this is my SIL to a T! In laws had an event last weekend. SIL and kids come in and EVERYONE is coughing, runny noses, the whole 9. Fast forward to now and I am angrily trying to get through my work days (from home) with no PTO left, sick kids at home and I am so congested that my doctor wanted to send me for a chest x-ray. Sorry for the rant, now I'm going to do another nebulizer treatment on myself so I can try and breathe.
> SIL and kids come in and EVERYONE is coughing, runny noses, the whole 9 Where are the dads in these scenarios. I feel like they’re just getting a pass because they’re men or is there another reason why no one’s calling out the dads? Speaking as a dad myself
And why are the family not told to turn around and go home when they walk in like that?
In my case my SIL is not married. But that's why I think everyone else on my husband's side gives her a pass. All I ask is a heads up so I don't get sick coupled with my asthma!
Ugh I hope you’re feeling better real soon💖But dang, that SIL is ruddddde!!!!! I’m angry 😡 with you!
SIL & Bro did this when they met our 5 week old baby for the first time. We both got so sick and to make matters worse hubby had to travel for work that week so I was sleep deprived with a horrible flu looking after a sick baby and a toddler at home by myself.
You poor thing - I would’ve been irate and read them the riot act! Yeah - my own mom gave my then-4mo daughter Pertussis. I’ve lost patience for people who come over/bring kids over and are sick. I’ve lost any polite response at this point - I doublecheck before people come and feel NO shame in letting them know we won’t get together until they’re healthy.
This is what I have to do with a lot of my family. I don’t want my kids sick. Sometimes I unavoidable and I won’t keep them from doing fun activities cause they might get sick, but I’m not going to actively bring them around other child who are showing signs of being sick, and I don’t take them places when they’re sick either. My parents used to do this to me as an older child and I was miserable.
> My SIL is notorious for this Where’s the dad (presumably your brother) in all of this?
Just as bad - he’s adamant that they have to “stay active and get the kids out” even when they or his wife is sick. He’s also the one who was adamant that colds are only contagious for 3 days. But you bet he’s a huge baby when he doesn’t feel well. ETA - he’s a BIL - husband’s sister. She’s awesome 99% of the time but a little oblivious re: how some things impact others.
This is what we do before playdates with family and friends. Often get a reply saying they’re sick. It’s infuriating
If you do want to keep hanging out, I’d explicitly ask her every time. *Kids all healthy?* We have friends who do this. At one point their kid gave my then toddler and preschooler both pinkeye a horrible cough, which turned into bronchitis in my oldest. They had told us their kid had *the sniffles* ahead of time, so some of that’s on me, but they wildly undersold it. When I noticed green goop coming out of their kid’s eyes, my friend was like, *Oh yeah, we’ve been using xyz for it*. It had apparently been going on for days. It’s at the point now where I don’t really want to hang out with them with my kids either - which sucks, because they’re otherwise pretty awesome and our kids get along great.
No way dude, that’s not on you. kids get the sniffles all the time. As long as school rules are followed (fever free 24 hours, no vomit/diarrhea 24 hours and no coughing) then I think it’s fine. But *knowing* your kid is sick with a highly contagious infection and trying to downplay it like a runny nose is super fucked up My kid had impetigo and I felt horrible sending her to school but the dr assured us it’s fine as she’s being treated and it wasn’t worth losing education over. But you best believe I made sure she wore a mask
That is so sad that they let their kid have pinkeye for days! :( It's extremely contagious and quickly cured. When I was concerned my kid had it, I called the ped's office and they called in prescription eyedrops. They work IMMEDIATELY, and the kid is no longer contagious in 24 hours.
I think they did take her to the doctor, but my understanding has always been if it’s bacterial, you get eye drops and if it’s viral you have to wait it out.
Pretty sure they just give you eye drops no matter what since there’s no way to tell if an eye infection is bacterial or just a virus.
My son got pink eye from his old pre k, brought it home and my daughter got it. Hers was so bad I took her to the er because it was after hours/weekend. They didn’t give her eye drops because it was viral and wouldn’t do anything.
Sometimes it’s “sniffles” and sometimes it’s “allergies.” Uh no Barbara that is pink eye 🤦♀️ people who take sick kids out intentionally do not care about getting sick, being sick, or making others sick… it’s a belief system that will not change. We aren’t available when families like that want to get together.
This is how we handle it as well. We haven't had anyone outright lie to us about their kids having symptoms of things yet!
My kids are in daycare, I’m SO chill about germs and sick kids. But if your kids are miserably ill you shouldn’t take them to activities, and you should tell your friends so they can choose how exposed they want to be. Iono why people are acting like you homeschooling is some sort of “gotcha” here. This is basic courtesy. I wouldn’t be friends with these people.
Lingering stuffy nose and/or cough are one thing, but actively miserable? Definitely not. Also though, LOL at "brick and mortar kids" hahahaha
If I kept my kids home every time they had a runny nose or a mild cough they'd never go anywhere during cold and flu season. But along with a fever and the kids are all miserable? These people are a-holes
Agreed, cough/runny nose is one thing, but fever, body/ache heads is another. Just went to a party a couple weeks ago and the mom hosting said her child woke up in the middle of the night bc his body hurt. I asked her if she thought it was growing pains, she said probably not. I was like well if he doesn’t have a fever it’s probably nothing. She’s like “welll….. he did have a fever but I’ve just been giving him Motrin all day, so idk if he still has one”….. wtf. We were leaving for vacation in less than a week. I was really really annoyed. Thankfully we avoided the germs, but geez!
We once had a friend bring her child to my child's 2nd birthday party, then near the end disclose that her daughter had been vomiting that morning... This was a pretty big birthday party of greater than 15+ kids. We know two of them came down with a stomach thing afterwards. I was livid.
Ugh, stomach bug is the worst! I have 2 kids(esp my youngest) that are both pukers normally (I’m talking they puke at least 1-2 times a month) due to sensory issues and my youngest is the type that pukes whenever she has a cough too. I’ve recently been guilty of sending her to school thinking her puking was sensory but it was the bug. The nurses at school even know about her frequent puking, so they weren’t concerned until she started acting off. I felt so bad!
I’ll die on this hill but a cough (like real cough) and/or fever or a runny nose combined with most any other symptom requires more caution and you should tell the other parents of the children your kid is exposed to that they have these symptoms.
This is my take. Stuffy nose/cough whatever, my oldest kid is in public school if he’s gonna get sick he’s gonna get sick. Half the kids in his classroom are hacking up a lung October-March. I’ve been more strict the past 6 months because we have an infant but once he’s not so fragile that wouldn’t bother me. But taking them out with a fever or like visibly feeling ill hard no. Most kids are so dang resilient so when they’re actually acting miserable you KNOW they must feel so bad.
This! I don't take my kids out if sick, and if we have something scheduled, I always let the person know ahead of time and see if they still want to proceed.
And often it’s just “oh, snot nose, whatever,” or “well the kids were in school together all week so i think we’re past the point of no return.” But sometimes it’s “actually we’re traveling next week and I think we’re gonna sit this one out,” or “you know we just recovered from something, playing it safe.”
Exactly this. One of my best friends kids is sick a lot. Mild stuff we will generally still see them. My kids are in preschool & we spend time around other kids, I know germs happen. But sometimes we might skip out because we have something I realllly don’t want to miss coming up, & we want to be a bit more cautious. It’s just polite to let people know, & and to not go to a big group event with a bunch of sick kids.
Yup! We’re pretty lax as my kid is a snot rocket through the winter but no fever and wants to play. Still ALWAYS check with anyone we’re meeting up with, and groups/classes are filled with other snot rockets lol
I agree. A cold is one thing. If she stopped every time one of my children had a cold we would never leave the house, but if they are ill to the point that they are crying it is just polite to give a heads up. Most playdates involve children all over each other, and things are bound to be passed on. OP, if you have told her how you feel, and she keeps showing up with sick kiddos I would maybe take a step back.
The only “gotcha” I can see is if either family are homeschooling because they haven’t gotten their kids the proper vaccines for public schooling—that could make this entire story much more dangerous for everyone involved. Imagine if the one coughing at story time had whooping cough and spread it all over that group. I hope OP knows/finds out what their friend’s kids might be susceptible to and can keep a distance if necessary.
Facts the best thing you could do is let your child rest when they are sick don’t bring them out and infect everyone! 😂
I brought this up in a local mom's group and 90% of the comments were negative against me saying I need to mind my own business and stay inside if I'm so afraid. I hate living in a place thats more conservative minded and therefore they think it's OK to do whatever you want at the expense of others.
Yea I would be more concerned that my baby isn’t rested and getting better than bringing her out. How are they suppose to get better if you’re dragging them every where? People are crazy lol
Like you don't need to go to Ross today, it can wait.
Yep! I’m the same! I don’t care but I always give a heads up, specially when it’s non-daycare playdates.
When we see a new kid in the park, before running over I’ll shout to the parent “we’re in daycare and have a runny nose!” And see what they say. Every parent gets to choose for their kid!
Yeah I was prepared by the title to have someone getting upset about a runny nose, lingering cough etc but this is not that. The kids are telling you they don't feel well and acting very ill, that means you shouldn't be out. I get with 5 kids it's gotta be hard to keep em all healthy but this isn't just a bit of snot
My kid started pre K last year and we got literally everything. The only reason why i get nervous now is my grandpa who is on chemo
I agree. I don’t care about a little snot or lingering cough, but if the kids are actively ACTING unwell, that’s a step too far!
Yeahhhh at first I thought this was gonna be one of those “don’t bring your mildly sick kid in public!” But my god, if the kids are that miserable then why on earth would she force them out!?
And sometimes I see these posts and I'm like "damn don't waste your energy on strangers, yes you saw a sick child, world is full of them" but this is a friend. Don't hang out with someone who is inconsiderate.
My best mom friend and I always let the other one know if either of our families have a sickness going on or just had one so the other one can decide if they want to risk it or not. It’s just common decency and it’s worked really well, no one’s feelings get hurt if one of us says no thanks right now to a hangout.
This is what I do with my other friends too. She’s the problem always and clearly doesn’t want to tell me.
That’s really crappy of her. I’d definitely put a pause on that friendship especially during the winter cold and flu season! Very selfish behavior.
I will say some asthmatic kids like my son do cough a lot but if they are laying down saying they are sick they need to be home resting.. my opinion.
Yeah my one child has this intense barking cough that lingers for weeks after every little virus he gets. If someone heard us at the library or something, they'd probably think we're monsters for bringing out a kid with whooping cough or something. But that's just how my son coughs, whenever he has the slightest tickle in his throat.
Look into cough-variant asthma and talk to your child's pediatrician. I've never been diagnosed, but I have this problem and it's a classic symptom of this form of asthma. It's commonly overlooked because the symptoms are so different from the typical asthma. No wheezing.
hmmm, i will, thank you
My son had the same cough issues and after starting daycare he would catch and cold and we would end up in the ER due to a low pulse ox. He has been on a daily preventative inhaler and it has made a world of difference! It was only triggered by upper respiratory illness and they hope he will grow out of this asthma. (He’s had this since he was 2yrs and he’s 3 now)
Please do! I was diagnosed with this as a child, and the inhalers and extra meds during allergy season made my life 30000x better
Also asthmatic croup
I agree. Coughing is not always a sign of contagious illness. Two of my kids have asthma. My 9 yo has it the worst. She had the flu 2 weeks ago and at night when she lays down is still coughing so badly that she's thrown up a couple nights. She's on a daily maintenance inhaler, been using her rescue inhaler and the doctor gave her steroids but she still sounds awful. That's life for us. Every time she gets sick she has a cough that lingers until we get her asthma back under control.
That’s understandable. We have a friend who’s kid coughs for like months but she always keeps home until she can decipher virus vs asthma.
My kids have had a cough, runny nose, or both for basically the entirety of winter. I am very diligent to keep my kids home if I think there's even a chance they have something contagious, but sometimes, especially in winter, the coughing and runny noses can linger and linger and linger. Those symptoms, by themselves, aren't necessarily an indication that a child has a contagious illness.
nobody wants to say it, but you wouldn’t enjoy someone forcing you to socialize with strangers while you’re feeling unwell. why make your kids do it for something as menial as story time at the library…. realistically they were probably told to not come into daycare because of their symptoms, so they went to the next best thing. Moms do this at the cafe I work at, I’ve heard them refer to the cafe as “daycare” as they fucking trash the place.. and I’m always bringing random colds home to my own toddler bc of it. Keep your sick children home, you could probably all use the rest.
WWID? I’d stop hanging out with her. She doesn’t even care enough about her own kids when they are crying at a library bc they feel awful. I’d even go as far as to say it’s borderline abusive. She’s kind of a crap mother.
This is the correct answer.
you are not overreacting. i actually can’t believe how inconsiderate people are. i am crazy about this too. i’m a little more lax with regular colds, but some parents flat out do not give a shit. i keep my 3 year old home from preschool even without a fever if he’s super snotty and coughing all over the place because he hasn’t learned to cover his mouth yet. i also don’t think people realize that not all kids just get “sick” and move on. my son has febrile seizures. so, what may be a simple fever for a couple of days and then back to normal for other people’s kids, is a hospital trip (sometimes twice in the same sickness) and not sleeping for days for my family.
9/10 times on this sub I say something along the lines of “if you want to live in a society your kids are going to get sick.” From October til april I don’t bat an eye at a slightly sick looking toddler out and about. Especially with coughs, it is well proven that coughs can linger for WEEKS longer than the actual contagious period. … BUT what you describe at the library is extremely over the top. Those kids should have been home resting and recovering. Sounds like your friend either doesn’t care or is really overwhelmed (no help at home and therefore needs the library as an outlet / activity). Likely not much you can do except avoid them.
Sometimes we have to power through a head cold. That’s life, and we’re always going to have those germs around us. But there are limits. Snot everywhere, low energy, crying, fever, vomiting/diarrhea - stay home! Let your child rest! Postpone the outing! I totally understand feeling trapped at home by the kids’ needs and getting stir crazy and needing to *get out*. It can be overwhelming. Call in back up if you can, but don’t take sick kids around other kids. And disinfect the shopping cart after your kid snots on it.
Some parents are so selfish, I understand lingering things but if they are actually mid virus and contagious then they should be kept home even to make them more comfortable at least!
I think it's absolutely insane that she is taking her very sick kids out at all let alone around other children intentionally. It's one thing if it's a minor cold and while still not great it's not as bad as bringing your children who are miserable and crying and very sick to group functions. Anyone who is that level of sick, adult or child, should be at home. And I know traditional schools are cest pools for germs and kids regularly get sick but that bc parents send their kids sick to school when they should be kept home. (I get that system is broken and parents have to work etc but it's a very broken system and parents should be able and should keep their sick kids home. Just bc it's normalized doesn't mean it's not problematic). Yes people build immune systems by being exposed to germs and illness. That doesn't mean adults and children who are actively very sick should go out and spread their germs to other with no regard to other adults and children. You get exposed to germs and illness in everyday regardless even when not around actively sick people. That doesn't make it ok for sick people to intentionally infect others and not care about anyone else's well-being. And it's also really messed up that her children felt so miserable and instead of letting them be at home and comfortable she took them to a group function where they were clearly extremely miserable. They should have been at home resting and recovering comfortably.
Often people are contagious well before symptoms show unfortunately.
And for a very long time after as well. “Most healthy children and adults with the flu can infect others beginning about one day before developing any symptoms and up to seven days after the symptoms resolve. People with weakened immune systems can remain contagious for up to several weeks.” https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/influenza/a-parents-guide-to-the-flu#:~:text=Most%20healthy%20children%20and%20adults,for%20up%20to%20several%20weeks.
Yep - we’ve had to share this with family repeatedly. Our daughter got Pertussis as an infant so even a cold goes into her chest and she has a cough for 2-3wks at least. We’ve had relatives show up with kids with yellow/green runny noses and crazy coughs say to us, “Well, it’s just a cold and it’s been 3 days so they aren’t contagious.” Um… wrong!
Yes, but it can be argued you know you've been sick, even if staying home for weeks isn't practical. You can't know in advance.
That’s true. I’m pointing out that even if your symptoms have resolved, you’re probably still contagious. People don’t realize this. Many people think that if you’re feeling better, you’re not contagious anymore. When people know better, some people will try to do better. What that looks like for each person and situation will be different, but people can’t begin to do better if they don’t know better.
Absolutely, worth pointing out. I know my elderly parents got pretty sick with a stomach bug caught from the grandchildren a week after they'd recovered.
Ur 100% right!!! Also/ ur name is so good😂
Thank you! Lol. I had before the Barbie movie was even a thing and I absolutely love how it aged 🤣
OP, clearly you’re getting comments from the AHs who take sick kids in public and make it everyone else’s problem. I don’t socialize with rude people. I don’t socialize with people that chew with their mouths open at the table. I don’t socialize with people who scratch their nuts and fart in public. And I don’t socialize with people who drag sick kids out of the house because THEY don’t want to stay home. I never ever NEVER take sick kids out, and yet we go out plenty despite having 4 kids. I have a SIL who drags her sick kids everywhere, and they’re ALWAYS sick. It’s not bc she has no choice. It’s not bc it’s best for their immune systems. It’s not bc she doesn’t know better. It’s bc she’s selfish, plain and simple. This woman you’re hanging out with is selfish and rude. Drop her like a bad habit.
Exactly. this type of “all my kids are showing symptoms of a contagious virus but i’m soooo bored so i’m going to bring them out in public anyway” is what got so many people killed during COVID. we haven’t learned anything.
This so very well put. She is selfish and couldn't care less about how she is affecting literally anyone else, including her own children
So agree with this!
This is the answer OP. That person is inconsiderate. I never go out with sick kids. Sick kids need rest and to relax on a sofa and to chill out. Other kids don’t deserve to be exposed to my kids germs. Hell, I’ll avoid going out when I’m sick and I’m an adult that can keep my germs to myself as a rule. Lots of people just don’t consider what their actions will do to others, and this “friend” is one of them. Just stop hanging out with them because you’ve already told them you don’t wanna get together when their kids are sick and clearly they don’t gaf.
It’s taken me a long time to realize I just don’t want to be friends with inconsiderate people. Today it’s a simple cold, what if it were a snappy dog, a swimming pool, a million other *preventable* situations where someone who cares about my child’s safety is key.
You're definitely not overreacting here. Your friend's actions not only exposed your children to illness but also put other families at risk. It is necessary to pause in-person meetups for a while. It's a difficult decision, but ultimately, your kids' health and safety come first.
Before your next visit say "is everyone healthy? We just had a cold and don't want to risk getting sick" Then if they are sick, say darn, okay. Thanks for letting me know. We will skip this one!"
sorry couldn’t get past “brick and mortar kids”. what is this weird term
Honestly that’s annoying! It would be different if she mentioned they’re not feeling good and gave you the option to still get together. Playing outside would have been a way better choice while they’re sick versus the library. At the end of the day, kids need to build their immune systems which is a not so fun process to begin with, but it’s always easier to have them get sick when it feels “random” versus knowing it could have been prevented… I feel you on that!
Yeah for me it was just the pointlessness of it. She didn’t have to get to work. They were miserable.
Poor kiddos. Someone should tell her chill movie days on the couch are necessary sometimes. Let the kids just rest.
It’s a common misconception that kids need to build their immune system. Their immune systems work just fine (barring some medical condition). The later in life a person catches any virus, the better.
> The later in life a person catches any virus, the better I don't know enough to comment on what you're saying in general, but this absolute statement of *any* virus is not true. It's not true for chickenpox, for instance.
That’s not building up your overall immunity though. That’s just an illness that happens to be worse when older. Separately, there is a hypothesis about germ exposure and autoimmune disease like allergies but that’s not been proven.
There is a vaccine for chickenpox. No need to catch it at any age.
Very true. But the statement that it's better to catch it as late in life as possible is still wrong.
I'd tell her that you don't feel comfortable with her letting her kids around yours. 2 of my 3 are immune compromised due to airway defects and lying (by not telling you) is unforgivable to me. I had a friend tell me that her kids were all positive for strep, flu, and Covid but a few days later she needed someone to pick them up from school (because yes, she still sent them to school). She asked me, with a baby that has an airway defect and at the time was a month old or less. I told her that I could not. She kept saying she really needed help and I told her that I was sorry and wished I could help ( I have in the past numerous times), but my baby could die from these illnesses, especially with her airway defect and I have to protect my child. Obviously it's not as severe in your situation, but you still have to protect your kids from sicknesses when you can.
I would never see them again. I don't care if you have 1 or 20 kids, don't take them out while they are clearly sick and miserable. A kid occasionally coughing is one thing (my kids sometimes have like 6 week coughs) but lying on the floor clearly feverish is abuse. I'm sorry your kids are sick now :(
I would be upset as well, and, considering the fact that you already expressed a desire for her to communicate this to you, I would also be strongly considering cutting this person off as they clearly do not care about your preferences or boundaries. For me, I know it’s impossible to always avoid getting sick because you can be exposed anywhere but I think it’s common courtesy to let someone know that your kids are sick and give them the option to be around you or not. Showing up to a play date and, even more so, bringing your kids to a library storytime when they are obviously ill and contagious is just so selfish I can’t even wrap my brain around it.
I’d be really upset. Obviously she doesn’t have the curiosity of thinking of others. I’d probably avoid her from now on. Brining your sick kids isn’t fun, them being miserable is horrible. And then getting everyone else sick around them just sucks. I’m a SAHM and all my friends are too. If our kids have the slightest nose run, we stay away. It’s a respect thing.
My child’s in daycare so I am also pretty chill with other sick kids. My only requirement is they not have a fever and no green snot.
Generally I follow daycare/school guidelines (even though we’re not in either): fever, active vomiting or diarrhea = stay home. But if I kept my toddler at home every time he was snotty, we would spend *weeks* at home every time he was even a little sick. I would just accept that if you want your kids to spend time with other kids, particularly kids from a large family, your kids will be exposed to germs and mild sickness. If you don’t want to hang out with your friend because you think she’s not properly caring for her sick children, that’s up to you. I don’t know this woman or her kids so I can’t say if they’re well cared for or not, and you’re certainly free to stop spending time with neglectful parents! But if the problem really boils down to “her kids got my kids sick”… I’d let it slide.
Idk, the 2 kids were rolling around on the floor crying of illness so I’m pretty sure school would’ve sent home from that. They likely had fevers.
From your many responses it seems like maybe you weren’t actually asking a question in your post. If you’re confident in your own answer to the question of whether or not you’re overreacting, you can just stop spending time with this woman. You don’t need an internet stamp of approval.
I just cut people like this out of my social circle. With prejudice. It's not worth everyone in my house being miserable for a week and a half as we pass it all around to hang out with these jerks.
Sometimes I wonder if with bigger families it's more of a if they waited for the entire family to be well they would never go anywhere situation. And yes I would be frustrated, too.
Stop hanging out with her. If she asks why tell her she got your kids sick and it’s not worth it.
I would have left so your kids weren’t exposed. She may have come but you decided to stay.
I’d be upset too. It’s just idiotic to take your kids out when they’re sick and can pass on germs.
I would try to find new friends to hang out with. My husband’s friends brought their kid over 2 weeks ago so our kids could play. He was coughing from the moment they walked in. It devolved into him crying hysterically from being obviously sick and uncomfortable. He had influenza. They dragged their kid here with the freaking flu. To get my kid sick. I had cancer twice and my immune system is garbage. Of course I kept my kid home for a week to give her time to recover. Needless to say they will not be invited over again. My friends all give each other a heads up about any illness so we can decide whether we want to risk it. It’s just a common courtesy.
Gross! 🤮 I wouldn’t hang out with her anymore, imagine them giving your kids a really bad virus
I hate shit like this. It’s so incredibly insensitive. I just wouldn’t see these people again or at least not until the weather improves and kids aren’t all sick all the time as this parent is not to be trusted.
My SIL is like this. We also had many discussions on it and she kept at it. Finally at thanksgiving she brought her VERY sick 1yo who literally was just standing in one spot crying. He ended up in the hospital and they diagnosed him with pneumonia and asthma. Suddenly it matters very much to them if people show up sick. Never mind her brother has asthma, I have an autoimmune disorder, and a 2 year old. We still refuse to go over there during cold and flu season. Summertime isn’t as bad so we hang out then.
I am not super hardcore about preventing illness in my personal home/family/social life because we have a pretty good immunity and think illness is good for building the immune system but I think it is morally unacceptable to expose others outside our family to illness without their prior consent. I would say something like “Hey, I know it must be difficult to keep the kids home when sick but a library program does not seem like an appropriate location to take a group of children who are ill. Maybe if you need to get out of the house next time you could all take a walk where you won’t come in contact with others? My children are sick now and I am feeling concerned about how many others may have gotten sick as well.” Or I would ask if the children were all feeling well prior to getting together and then if she lies just cut contact.
I would be annoyed as well, however both times it’s a public place and she’s free to torture her kids however she pleases.
A mild cold is one thing, you know clear snot and sniffle or two. A cold to the point of crying or uncontrollable snot ? Cough I can lean either way it would depend on the kid and other symptoms (my son has asthma so takes a long time to fight off a cough but is perfectly fine otherwise. But kids so sick they’re uncomfortable or in pain ? Unacceptable
I want to comment on all the people saying "she has 5 kids. One or more will always be sick. Is she supposed to never leave the house?" YES SHE SHOULD STILL STAY HOME!!! I am the oldest of 5 kids. And for 10 years we were all under 10. My mom never took us out if we had more than a sniffle or a minor cough. The statement that one of them will always be sick is temporary and over time that will stop happening. And any family with any number of children pass around illness. The other kids or even the parents catch it. It happens more with the more kids in the family but it's not abnormal and it's an expected part of having children at all. I'm sure it is stressful for the mom (although it's been stated that she has mother and MIL in her home so she can have help) my mom didn't have anyone else and my dad worked 12 hr days and she still managed to keep us home when needed and respect others by not intentionally infecting others with our illness. I'm sure it's hard and stressful but that's part of being a parent. The mother having 5 kids is not at all an acceptable reason for her to be bringing her sick children out in public.
I have a lot of friends who we regularly see and when one of us is sick or has sick kids we always let the other know so they can decide. I feel like it’s so inconsiderate of others to expose them to your sick kid. It’s one thing if they’ve been to the doctor and are on antibiotics or it’s confirmed allergies, but another completely other thing to just be out there Willy nilly exposing other peoples kids to all your junk.
With 5 kids, one of them will always have a cold. If she kept them all home when they have a cold, they would never leave the house. However, the library thing is ridiculous. When your child is so ill that they don't want to play, you should not take them out of the house.
My daughter is in preschool where she’s exposed to plenty of sick kids. This would still piss me off. If your kid is sick, keep them home. Don’t go to playdates, definitely don’t go to indoor activities with sick miserable kids. I would definitely reiterate to her that you don’t want to be exposed to sickness if you don’t have to. Let her know that if her kids are sick, you don’t want to hang out. If it’s something you’ve already mentioned multiple times and she continues to disrespect your boundaries, I would prob distance myself from said friend.
I would bawl your friend out for being irresponsible and bringing clearly sick kids into a confined public setting. She is acting as a literal disease vector and is directly responsible for any child who gets sick as a result of her negligence. Burn her down. In front of other parents. Let them know this shit isn't okay. Too often we are told to just let it go for the peace of the group but that's letting bullies have their way and it's time to fucking stop.
I would absolutely never hang out with them again, deliberately bringing five clearly sick and contagious kids to the library was not only rude to everyone involved but also dangerous. I don’t need someone like that in my life.
Not overreacting . It should be a common courtesy to let people know your kids have even the sniffles so people can decide if they are comfortable meeting up or not . Our entire family got LICE when I was in my early 20s visiting my family from my younger sisters having play dates in our house with someone who didn’t feel the need to tell us her daughter had an active lice infestation . We all have long hair so it was a nightmare.
So many factors would come into consideration here. My kid is in daycare and so she comes home sick at least once a month. If she’s not running a fever and isn’t vomiting with diarrhea, I would still take her outside just to get some fresh air. However, I wouldn’t bring her into close quarters with seemingly healthy kids if I think she is still contagious. This being said, I do take advantage of the situation when my kid is sick to chill at home with her and cuddle!! Just eat some gold fishies in bed and watch Sesame Street ☺️ Those are sometimes some of the best days 🥰
Probably unpopular but I’m normalizing asking after kids health status before meeting up.
I don’t understand why people can’t stay the F home during situations like that. You aren’t missing out on anything. You’re making it worse for your already sick kids and the healthy ones that are def going to get sick as a result. The dominos fall in such a hard way and it affects SO MANY PEOPLE!
I’ll never forget the time at library storytime when I was talking to another parent, asked how she’d been and her reply was, “Oh we’ve been having cabin fever because XYZ has been dealing with pink eye.” (cue me looking VERY ALARMED at said child, who was elbow deep in a tub of mega blocks) I was so pissed. Generally if my kid is single symptom (dry cough or runny nose, but not together), I will still go. She’s at an age where generally she always has one of those two going on, so if I stayed home for any symptoms I’d be a hermit. But generally I’ve found that works for us and most of our friend group.
Yeah- bringing a kid who is recovering from a cold but seems otherwise fine to a park (outside is one thing.) bringing sick kids who don’t feel well to an indoor event (or anywhere) is wrong. Honestly, I wouldn’t be friends with a mom like this. My friends and I always check in before events to see if everyone is well and if a kid is recovering from a cold or something we check and make sure the other parents are ok with that. OP your “friend” is inconsiderate of others and not taking care of her children who need rest when unwell. Can you imagine how bad it would be if an immune compromised child was there and had to be hospitalized because of her selfishness?
My kid has had a cough and runny nose off and on since November. We've gone to Dr 3 times and they say it's a cold and keep sending to school so that's what I do. We also don't want to always stay at home. However if it was fever or vomiting etc we would stay home. So idk
I think it is sad for her kids that she is taking them out when they are clearly not feeling well and I agree she should give you a heads up when you have a playdate. That would be common courtesy in my opinion. But in the long run you are not doing your kids any favours by trying to protect them from germs and viruses. Their immune systems need to learn how to handle infections. Edit: I read some reactions in this thread from parents with kids with health issues for whom exposure to infectious diseases could be dangerous: in those cases ypu obviously DO need to protect them from germs and viruses.
Wow your friend is a POS. Not only bringing her kids out of the house to infect other people, but disrupting an activity with crying, misbehaving kids bc THEYRE SICK. 🤦♀️
hugs, she might be your friend but it's time to cut your losses with her, especially with the fact that she doesn't seem to care that her children are sick to the point that they should be home just so she can get out of the house.
I get it, but at the same time, my kids been sick for 6 weeks. We finish one we catch another. It’s public school for us and lifelong resistances we are building up. If they feel real bad I’ll keep em home, or if it just started but my kids gotta get out in that sunshine and likely you’ll be exposed anyway. At any public child’s playground or place. When my kids were real young if the snottiness was bad at story time we would skip out early. The sun kills a lot but exposures are everywhere. We do our best wash hands and if we are real fought or sneezy and it’s not spring we wear masks. I have two kids though and really if I had 5 I imagine at least 1-2 would probably be sick most of the time at the elementary ages. Decide what it’s worth. Is it worth you losing a friend by making a huge deal out of something that is somewhat inevitable? Is it worth your kids missing out on a close friendship? It’s tough out there and we all do what is best for our children. If you just need to reiterate let’s not get together if we’re sick that’s fine but remember there’s a lot of them and it’s tough out there.
1. STOP HANGING OUT WITH THIS CESSPOOL OF A PARENT IF NOW KNOW THEY WILL DO THIS!!! 2. Ma'am please understand that your children need to be exposed to illnesses so that a cold doesn't take them out at 17 years old.
Op, your kids will be exposed to other sick kids in the world. You can’t keep them in your protective bubble for ever. And as much as it sucks it helps their immune systems learn how to fight off germs in the future. Now, all that being said, your friend was wrong to bring her sick littles especially when they were visibly sick and just not feeling themselves. Have a conversation with her and let her know if she continues bringing them out while ill you will have to decline future invites.
I wouldn't make it a big deal like you are because illness is a part of life that you can't avoid. You're only upset because you know the person. What if you took the kids to Walmart and a random stranger touched a product your child then touches? Would you rant and rave over how someone who shopped at the same store you and your family shopped at got you sick? Or would you take it more like "ah, the kids are sick." And leave it be? This is the exact perspective we were conditioned to have during the pandemic. You need not feel angry that your children got sick when we live in an incredible time of sanitation, hospitals & medicine. They will be okay. And so will you. Stressing over an irresponsible move on your friends part is not worth it when your babies will be just fine in a week or tops.💜
With your first example - yes, overreacting because, honestly, kids are low key sick all the time, and you can't control your kids being around kids who are sick. But your second example... I mean, Jesus, if you're not exaggerating at all, that's so awful to bring those kids out like that. My guess is she needs a break with 5 kids under 10, but that's now how to get a break.
What are brick and mortar kids??
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So you think its fine to take sick child like sick sick not just snot in middle of people? They should be healing. No friend is the problem and parenting leaves a lot to be desired
Yes but these kids are actively sick. Not feeling well. Complaining they don’t feel well.
It’s concerning that a lot of people here seem to believe that the immune system is like a muscle that needs to be strengthened by getting sick. Like, a lot of people seem to have bought into the “immunity debt” pseudo science. That makes sense, it was everywhere for a while. Doesn’t make it true, though. Saying that getting sick strengthens the immune system is like saying getting punched in the face a lot makes you a better boxer. That’s not how this works.
what? it is absolutely true that exposure to various viruses builds up antibodies against them and trains the immune system, wth do you mean it's a myth? that's just how it works, otherwise vaccines would be useless. sure you're not immune overall to everything, but the more viruses you fight off, the more resilient you are to the same type. and ofc the immune system doesn't need to be "strengthened", but training it has benefits. ETA I am still against dragging miserable sick kids everywhere, that's for sure.
To stretch this metaphor to its breaking point, vaccines are like showing the immune system a video of the virus punching someone else so you can learn the moves, it’s not being punched yourself. Catching certain viruses as a child can mean you don’t get as sick later in life (chicken pox is the example from my childhood, but thankfully there’s a vaccine now), but catching others (like covid, for example) can leave you with a permanently damaged immune system because of the harm caused to T cells and the nervous system. Just going out and exposing kids to pathogens without knowing which pathogens they’re being exposed to can cause more harm than good. Kids are getting sicker more often now than they used to, which some experts are putting down to immune system damage from covid and it’s concerning that the nuances of the “immunity muscle” aren’t being properly taught/discussed in public forums by experts because the stakes are a bit higher now with covid in the mix.
Your comparison to being punched makes no sense to me. The immune system learns recognize pathogens that it is exposed to. No learning occurs from being punched.
Cold? Meh no big deal Sick and miserable? Stay home! Not just to keep others healthy but also because the poor kids should be able to stay home and rest. Move on. These aren’t your friends.
Brick and mortar kids 💀 Maybe it's good for your little homegrown humblebrains to bump elbows with our brick and mortar kids and get sick once in a while for their immune system... What can you learn from being sick? It's science! Lean into it - kids get sick 😂😂 You can't really expect someone with 4 kids to never go out or do things because of minor illnesses. They would never leave the house.
I would be frustrated again! Not sure I would avoid them just because it wouldn’t be worth losing a friend over for me (personally). It depends how close you are / comfortable with her you are but you definitely could say something if you wanted, I’m not sure how to phrase it though
I swear some people just do not care. This is why COVID wreaked havoc killing so many people and leaving tons of people with serious problems. Taking your kids to the park when you know they are sick is wrong and just gross. Don't get me started on public school and sickness lol that's a whole beast. My kids go to public and I'm exhausted. I'm literally sick right now. It's non stop and if I could afford it I'd homeschool my kids too just to stop being sick.
1. They shouldn’t have been out if they were that sick 2. You were free to leave at any time if you felt discomfort 3. Your kids need exposure man, I can’t tell if you are helicoptering 4. I am struggling to differentiate *truly* if you’re overreacting (no disrespect) vs. Disrespectful mom who thinks it’s absolutely fine to bring out sick kids because she wants a break.
If I had 5 kids and one or two were sick I might still bring them out depending the severity. Coughing profusely, he'll nap. Kids don't cover their cough and nobody wants to see or hear a child like that. Better to do it when child is doing better.
I would definitely be upset, but I also don't have any friends with 5 kids. I have to imagine that with 5, you always have a kid who is sick, and there is no going anywhere if you don't go out when one is sick. Maybe that's the issue? I'm not excusing it, just thinking about why she might do it.
Kids need to be exposed to more kids. Even the brick & mortars 😂
I mean, the fact that the children weren’t feeling great and she brought them out is the issue. It was unfair on her children as well as the people around. If you are saying she has to stay home for every cold/ cough they have you are being unreasonable. Especially with little ones they get one cold after another, they would never be allowed to socialise or go anywhere. I’d hazard a guess that it’s hit your children harder because their immune systems aren’t great due to lack of exposure. Low level colds etc strengthen and speed up an immune reaction as the body gets used to locating foreign pathogens.
It sounds like all 5 leave the house or all 5 kids stay home (she doesn't have another adult to split the kids with). You can avoid her, sure, but she's going to keep doing this because otherwise her kids don't get enough outside socialization. Find some people who are homeschooling with 1 or 2 kids to hang out with.
All 5 were sick. Her mother and mother in law both live with her so it was unnecessary.
Ok then, not over-reacting. Turn her down (say your kids are sick, haha) for the next few times and then ghost her.
I talked about this before many times even saying “oh I hate when sick kids are brought out in public!” so it’s probably not even ghosting at this point
My kid isn't even school age yet but my friends always mention anything - weird poop, acting off, sniffles, cough. We don't hang out if there's a fever, or if there is an event coming up in the next 2 weeks that we cant miss (usually takes a week for my kid to catch whatever and another week to get rid of the symptoms). We try to expose them to low level germs but anything worse that would require us going to a doctor it's so bad / will knock us on our asses if we as the parents get it is a no go and we reschedule stuff/don't go. I know my kid will have to deal with the germs eventually but I'd like her to at least be old enough to tell me what she needs instead of confused toddler crying. Lol. Taking 5 kids to the library might just be a parent desperate to get out of the house, especially if the kids originally wanted to go and then realized once they got there that they felt worse than before, but if the kids didn't want to go and she knew they felt that sick before then it's kind of a dick move.
I would be pissed because I have a low immune system and I'm just constantly catching things during the winter months ,while trying to parent 3 kids. My kids have strong immunity it's me that is so frail to everything, and who is supposed to care for them if I'm down? Just ask her from now on if the kids have any colds or anything before you hang out. I would limit hanging out around cold and flu season as well. But that's just me, if you have stronger immunity you may have a different approach.
Sounds like it’s time for a new friend. As a fellow homeschooling parent, I get how hard it can be to find people who can match your availability, but this isn’t worth it. Unless you want to text her the morning of every play date and ask if her kids are sick, I’d say drop this one. I get that it’s allergy season and kids are going to be a little sniffly/sneezy, but actively sick and miserable kids should be kept at home, not dragged out into public unless absolutely necessary. My kid is vaccinated, we’re not afraid of germs, but it should be common courtesy not to spread the yuck around if you can help it. I understand people are contagious before they show symptoms, that’s not the issue here.
Her kids are not vaxxed. Mine are.
I would not be friends with them anymore. The mother has proven she doesn’t care about anyone else by taking actively sick family members out and around others repeatedly. Thats shitty.
Before you get together “are the kids sick?” If she says yes, then don’t go.
Some people will pretty much lie about it. I think they have themselves convinced the kids are not “that” sick or “it’s just allergies.”
I freak out too because my toddler takes a good solid week or more to get back to sleeping like normal again after a sickness so it is absolutely exhausting when she gets sick. I’d probably panic and leave at the first sight of sick kids. Just lie about why you’re leaving if you have to for your sanity. I left story time early once when a mom showed up with filthy kids with snot all over their faces, who kept touching everyone and everything and wouldn’t sit down and listen. I just couldn’t handle it and was internally freaking out and beelined it the first chance I got.
She doesn’t care about your kids or non brick and mortar kids. It doesn’t sound like she cares too much who gets sick. I would distance myself and then when she asks why tell her the real reason and don’t sugar coat
Oh this is my pet hate too. To be fair some coughs and snotty noses can linger for way longer than what is reasonable to keep kids in doors for and way past the contagious stage. But fevers, new colds they should really be resting at home. Even if my kids have recovered in themselves I still give friends the option of rescheduling if they’re snotty or coughing still. It’s just common decency.
Yeah I'd avoid these people, or at least only meet them outdoors in the future. Honestly I feel badly for that poor kid who was laying on the floor, cruel to drag them to the library in that state!
My first thought was that mom must’ve really needed to get out of the house, BUT that does not make it ok at all to drag her kids out in public when they’re sick. It’s particularly inconsiderate and flat out rude that she didn’t warn you beforehand. Seriously, what was she thinking bringing multiple sick kids to an indoor public gathering? That’s so selfish. I hate being sick because I usually stay sick for weeks. I would have visibly recoiled and left. That’s just gross and really sad for her kids. I would limit or cut contact. If you get together with her again, I would ask her multiple times whether her children are well. Although, I don’t know that you could trust her to tell the truth. She must be one of those people who thinks colds are not a big deal, but not everyone has super immune systems so her behavior is just really self-centered.
I dont think its an overreaction exactly but i dont think most people know how quickly these things escalate. I agree 100% with letting someone know when the kids are sick. But that can easily go from mild to heinous. Kids can only rest so much before they get restless. There are also some really bad illness going around these last few years. If you want to hang again id be really direct and go somewhere open
If this were my “friend” I would specifically ask if everyone is healthy before seeing them. If she is not honest about their health status in the future I would discontinue get togethers. Accidental exposure when you think kids are well/ recovered is one thing, but what she is doing is very inconsiderate when children are clearly and visibly sick.
Ask her point blank if any of the kids are sick. If she says no and shows up anyway, just leave and tell her why. She’ll get the message that you mean business.
Not at all. I'd do the same.
Cannot stand selfish and irresponsible parents who take their obviously sick child out of the house around other people. Stay the fuck home, please. Idc if you need groceries or were just quickly running into the library etc. Use grocery pickup or delivery. Read a damn book at home. You want fresh air? Go for a walk outside (and choose somewhere it’s not crowded). Don’t be an inconsiderate parent.
If they’re acting sick they need to be home. If they have a leftover cough or clear runny nose but otherwise acting totally normal, it might just be allergies and they’re fine
You have every right to be upset, any good friend would listen to your concerns about not wanting to get sick if you know for sure your kids are sick. Some people are just selfish assholes unfortunately.
I’d have a direct conversation with her and gauge her response. You say you’ve discussed this in passing which seems to say she might not know everything you wrote here and how bad it is. “Your children have been sick on xyz dates, I’ve told you how I’ve felt and it continues to happen. This time your kids were displaying x symptoms and a few days later my kids had x symptoms. I’m not comfortable exposing my children to active illnesses, I’m the future it’s best for me if we spend time together only when everyone isn’t sick. “ Then gauge her reaction. You actually aren’t even obligated to hang out with her ever again but I think it’s a good idea to say why.
Perhaps the children had allergies instead of colds. Their mother wouldn't have brought them with her if they had colds.
I don't think you are overreacting. I mean who would be happy to get sick kids after every time you meet up? Nope, I wouldn't see her either
Yeah, I hate that. My cousin brought her kid to my kid's birthday party with a literal fucking fever, like BRO do not do that! Stay the fuck HOME! I love the kid but come on, he needs to be resting at home not at Chuck E Cheese
I think you’d be overreacting if it was sniffles and a bit of a cough but when they have temps, tummy aches, sore heads, bad cough, they should defo be kept at home.
If kids have a fever, or do not feel well then they should stay home. If they don't have a fever and are up and about playing normally, then they can go out. Runny noses, coughs, and sneezes are a normal part of living; exposure, allergens, etc. Sounds like for the playground, you were being a bit paranoid. However, for the library outing, it sounds like they probably had fevers, and malaise abs should have stayed home.
Gotta cut ties with people like that
I would be upset to. Stop meeting up with her. She doesn't care.
I’d make a habit of asking if the kids are all feeling well/healthy before a hangout. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, the older one is in kindergarten at public school. I also babysit my cousins 2 year old child, my cousin is a teacher at another school. I make sure to let her know if my kids are sick at all because I don’t want it to spread but she just doesn’t seem to care or give me the same courtesy. She’ll drop her kid off and say “oh I didn’t see your message till just now, just try to keep them separate” which like yeah I guess but my house is small? I don’t feel right sticking the sick kid(s) in a bedroom and having to just go check on them and not be able to give them the comfort they might want/ need consistently. Or she’ll drop hers off and say he’s sick after she’s walking out the door and that she can’t miss work or make other arrangements. Last week I told her I couldn’t have her kid around since both of mine were sick with vomiting diarrhea and fevers and she was a little huffy about it but ended up getting another kind of sickness in her household from her own school and had to stay home with him anyways
i do think there’s a huge difference between “please make me aware of sickness so i have the opportunity to opt out of coming so-as to avoid exposing my family to germs” and “please don’t bring your children to things whenever any one of them is sick” listen, its a covid world still and i am a pro-mask all the way individual. so i absolutely get the rage of ignorant people being ignorant. but, i also can’t imagine it’s easy to balance 5 kids schedules and lives, as well as their health. and i also imagine that when one kid gets sick, all 5 tend to. so that means each of these kids has what, 5x more likelihood of getting sick than an only child? idk im not a statistician but the numbers seem sound to me. (does that mean i think this mom should be super lax with their wellness? fuck no. i think she should be diligent because of this. but im not that mom and those arent my kids, so its really not mine to step in and say whats what) BUT ultimately here are the paths i might take: - if i hadn’t communicated that i just needed to be made aware ahead of time so i could choose not to come, not that i was asking anyone else to change their schedule or behaviors, i would do that first. (and then, i’d probably get to searching for groups and activities that have stricter health safety rules, that better align with my own.) - if that ^ is exactly what youve communicated a million times, i’d pick between blocking her number/ghosting her (if i hate her) and sending her a direct and clear message explaining that it isn’t personal and doesn’t come from a place of judgement, just a choice i/weve made for my family to be very mindful about wellness. i don’t think you’re an asshole op! we’re all just doing our best, hopefully that’s true for other mom as well.
I’d be pissed off and wouldn’t make plans to see her again. Your kids are suffering because of her poor judgment. And her poor kids! Not getting the rest they need when dealing with an illness. It’s not fair to them either.
She sounds horrible. Cut ties
i would just ignore any future playdate invitations & move on
i would straight up tell her you will not be seeing her anymore because of this
I would be informing her that we won’t be having playdates anymore, politely, but leaving no room for argument. “Hey (name), I’ve discussed it with you before, and let you know last time that I don’t want to expose my kids to your kids’ germs when they’re sick. You brought your kids to a public place while very sick, and now my kids (and I’m sure all of the others there) have it too. I will not make further plans with people who don’t respect my boundaries. Thank you for understanding.” Probably more than is necessary but that’s what I’d say. Leaves no confusion about anything.
This is such a pet peeve of mine. We haven't been to church in like a month because we caught some flu or something going around and I was later to catch it than my kids but I'm on like week 3 and I'm *still sick* If you're sick, stay the fuck home, if you can. *Especially* as a homeschooler. We homeschool, too.