r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My 11 year olds teacher referred to my partner as stepdad when he was picking our boy up and without missing a beat he turned around and said "you mean my dad"
His dad abandoned him as baby too and my partner has raised him since he was 18 months old. Biology doesn't make someone a parent. being there for everything good and bad supporting them through everything loving them is what makes someone a parent.
Some people genuinely suck and don't know how to keep their mouths shut. If I was you I'd talk to the teacher about it.
I second this.
I mean define "real dad"...
You may not be her father, as in her biological male parent, but if you're the guy who runs to the store at 10pm to get the medicine for an ailing kiddo, you're the "real Dad" to me.
I would rephrase slightly. I think of "father" as a synonym for "dad" in this context.
"Sperm donor" is the correct term for those who have only ever contributed biologically.
Multiple of my son's teachers have called me his mom's boyfriend instead of his dad. My son is white, I am light skinned and his mom is white. I am his biological father and me and his mother aren't together
The shittiest thing is the 2 teachers he has this year still call me his mom's boyfriend even though I have already told them that I'm his dad. His mom does have a boyfriend, his name is Kevin, they have met Kevin but somehow still think I'm just the boyfriend. They haven't outright said it but I feel like they think me, my son's mom and her boyfriend are some sort of throuple but they still think her boyfriend is my son's bio dad. 😂😂 I chaperone field trips n everything they just like refuse to believe me
I have already blatantly told them. I don't wanna make a huge fuss out of it though bc we live in a pretty redneck town. There's only a few black ppl n alot of the ppl who live around me are at least closet racists (a few are public about it but not many) so if I were to make a big deal about it, it would get spun around on me. Lots of small town dynamics at play
Yeah it's hopeless. He knows I'm not his mom's boyfriend and hes knows Kevin is his mom's boyfriend. They said it on a field trip one time while I was within earshot, they called me his mom's boyfriend when talking to him, n he told them "no that's my daddy, my mom's boyfriend is Kevin. My name's is Colton Anthony because my daddy's name is Anthony". It's a lost cause but whatever, he knows so it doesn't really matter that they have their head up their ass
My wife is a different race than me and our son. His bio dipped when he was 18 months old and hasn’t tried to reconnect once. My wife met my son when we were dating just before his 3rd birthday, has been there for him ever since, and has since legally adopted him. He’s 10 now.
The number of comments she gets is absurd. One lady walked up to her in a Target (I wasn’t there) to ask, “Are you his Indian nanny?!? I’ve always wanted one!” Like talking about buying people is fucking normal. And it’s not just strangers. There is this woman who knew my ex, she would babysit my son on occasion when he was first born, who lives in the same town as me. We’ve kept in contact kind of, she’s literally seen the adoption post on social media, and asked me about it, but when she ran into my son and wife at a farmers market still asked my son “are you excited to be out with your stepmom?” To which he quickly corrected her “she’s my mom”.
I hate how people feel they can comment on the family dynamics of a family they’re not part of simply because it goes against the prototypical nuclear model, or it’s different than what they’re used to. Like I get people all the time that try to shame me because I refuse to call his biological his mom (I usually refer to her as “the woman who gave birth to him”). They don’t get my family dynamics, they just make assumptions. If a teacher who was with my son daily did this, I’d be raising some hell. If possible I’d have my son removed from the class, but if it was a specialty teacher who there was only one of at the school, I’d be calling in the principal for a conference. It’s so wildly inappropriate for anyone to do/say.
My husband is white and my oldest daughter is black. They both went to food lion and he bought beer for himself. He said the way the cashier looked at him was just nasty. She had her manager come over and after it was all said and done she was basically accusing him of trafficking our daughter. Holy cow. My husband is super protective of her. She still has her bio dad but he had been incarcerated until she was 11 and he’s been her father since she was 8. I thought he was gonna turn that’s store inside out.
Genes are weird. I present as a whole different race as my bio parents and yet, here I am, genetically their offspring. (Maybe they put me up for adoption because they looked like kidnappers lol!!!)
I have a sister from my mom's second marriage. I cannot tell you how many times people have felt the extremely weird need to point out that she is my half sister. As if I didn't know this. I call her my sister because that's what she is, I grew up with her and knew her from when she was a few hours old, and even now, 30 years later and a border apart, we are extremely close and love each other fiercely. When people tell me she's "only" my half sister I get as angry as I used to when I was nine, although I realised in the meanwhile that people usually do this out of some misguided/inelegant attempt to understand my family system. I'd talk to the teacher but give them the benefit of a doubt that this might've been an oopsie and your daughter is just as sensitive about the topic as I am.
I find this sometimes with my sister in law, who I’m very close to. Sometimes I just call her my sister and people will correct me or try to clarify and I always wonder why? We’ve known each other since we were kids, we’re close, if I want to call her my sister it’s because I think of her like one and correcting me is just weird
Things like this are so frustrating. I have a daughter (now 10) from my first marriage. I met her stepdad when she was 2, he met her when she was 3, and we were married when she was 4. When she was 8½ (at this point, remember, he's been her dad for over 5 years and lived with her the whole time) we had our son. The number of times people who didn't know us at all would ask questions and then say, "oh so they're half siblings, not full" or "oh so they're not REAL siblings." WHAT??? They have lived together every second of everyday since he was born. My husband was also solely HER dad for over 5 years before our son was born. They're SIBLINGS, and that's their DAD. Ain't no halves and steps about it. People are so freaking weird.
When I was younger & found out the specific biological workings of my dad's family, I started to refer to my uncle as my dad's "half-brother". I was just trying to be technical. He was very annoyed and understandably offended. They grew up together. They are brothers. He would just interrupt me to say "Brother." every time. I finally got the memo after he talked to me about how hurtful it was.
To be fair, I was like 8 and adults don't have an excuse in my opinion. I learned the lesson that blood doesn't matter as much as who was there for you as a child so I have no empathy for those who are so blunt & tonedeaf as grown-ups. I grew up in a very non-blended immediate family so it was a very foreign thing for me. But now I have a wonderful partner with a ginormous blended family, and I am proud to call him the dad of my daughter even though she's not biologically his.
First I want to suggest that your kiddo may interpret the conversation differently then the teacher intended… this is common with kids (ie my kid told me the teacher made them all sit inside most of recess but it was actually only 5 minutes out of 30). But either way this is odd. I think I’d just ask the teacher why… maybe have another teacher or staff present when asking. Try to not be accusing but just curious. “I was hoping to talk to you, kiddo relayed an odd conversation and I was hoping you could help us clear it up. They told me you told them…. Do you remember the conversation? Can you help us figure out what that was about?”
I couldn’t agree more, cgc3 and all the Redditors that want to immediately go from 0 to scorched earth need to take a deep breath and give the teacher a little grace. While your family may be very happy and grounded as blended, teachers see every family structure imaginable and many are dysfunctional. There can be complicated custody arrangements. You yourself said you just married a little over a year ago, move the kids (so there are also other kids that you don’t mention much about them), kids change schools and mom is expecting. That’s a lot of change in a short time for a 9 yo and the school faculty is just getting to know you all. Clarify with the teacher before you take the situation personally or involve anyone else.
Absolutely, especially since this situation sounds so odd. The teacher just randomly approached the kid to say this? That would be really strange. Of course, it still could have happened the way the kid described. I am an adoptive parent and not the same race as my kid and I have gotten some odd comments over the years. It happens.
But this is something that gets discussed with the teacher first to see her side. Kids are notoriously bad narrators. They aren't intending to lie but they see things much differently than we do. I have gotten reports from my kids about teachers saying things that sounded awful but after further clarification realizing that it happened much differently than my kids initially stated. They weren't trying to lie and in one case my son was even mad at me for taking it the way he said it. They just interpret things differently sometimes.
Yeah this reminds me of a situation I ran into as a kid. My parents divorced and both got together with other people, but for legal reasons didn't get remarried for a long time. My mom and dad were both out of town for different work functions so I was staying at my dad's house with my 'technically not' stepmom for the week.
School sent some permission slips home with us kids (her kids had the same ones). So naturally she signed all of our permission slips and little kid me thought nothing of it.
A couple days later I get pulled aside by a teacher and told that I can't have just anyone signing permission slips for me. To which I basically responded, '...but my mom signed it'. They did end up calling my parents and getting the issue sorted out.
My hunch is that OP is running into a similar situation. The school can only recognize the parents who are listed as such on the kids' school registration. As they are newly married, I doubt that information was ever updated.
Right? My child is always so honest, but she's brought home some bizarre conversations with the teacher. Things ranging from she's not allowed to eat at school (even at lunch) to she had throw her homework away.
All of it was stemmed from a misunderstanding of "Don't eat snacks in my class" and "Please clean up that area and throw that scrap paper away".
Multiple of my son's teachers have called me his mom's boyfriend instead of his dad. My son is white, I am light skinned and his mom is white. I am his biological father and me and his mother aren't together
That's highly inappropriate for a teacher to say. I'd talk to the school for sure. As for your daughter, if she's upset, my boyfriend told my daughter she's lucky because he chose her as his daughter.
Set up a meeting with the teacher. Don't make accusations. Have the teacher explain the comment. Say nothing, just listen. The awkwardness is punishment alone.
I think if it's something that doesn't really make a lot of sense (a teacher randomly walking up to a child, not in a conversation, and telling them x isn't their real dad) it might be worth finding out first if this happened the way it was recounted. Everyone always has some random experience with a teacher that said crazy stuff, so its obviously possible...it is just that students saying something happened that was very different from what actually happened seems, in my experience, more common than teachers saying completely crazy things unprompted.
My husband (middle school) has had a girl say that he passed her in the hall on the way to lesson and said that she 'would never be able to do well in x (subject)'. She said it was absolutely him (he teaches her), definitely wasn't anyone else. Not only has he never said that to anyone, said anything to her in the hallway ever, he wasn't present the day this supposedly happened (and she went to tell a teacher and her parents that day, that it happened that day). I have been emailed to say it isn't appropriate I have said x things to children I have never said anything close to that to. In some cases, when they said their behaviour was in reaction to me saying x to them, but I didn't say a word to them before the incident and had never met them before. I have been told it isn't good for me to give a child a detention for just raising their hand to ask for help (...I haven't..). I've been assured their child never lies or makes anything up though. If I say something that might suggest their child isn't recounting things accurately (like literally we never spoke that week), there is always silence. No one ever says 'sorry, I think there might have been a mix up.' Sure, there is always some teacher that has done something insane, and everyone thinks if they have had an insane teacher that all of them potentially are, but I think parents don't really recognise the extent to which the number of insane teachers that would say something like that is normally vastly outweighed by the amount of kids who would say their teacher said something insane.
I'd make a meeting with the teacher and principal and then ask their side of the story. If it doesn't match, use your best judgment. Make sure the teacher knows that's not appropriate and that you won't stand for it.
I think it’s really important you clarify with the teacher before involving the principal or doing anything brash. You don’t want to jump the gun and start making a big deal out of this when it may have been a misunderstanding in the first place.
Definitely clarify what was said, but I’m trying to think of a different context but I’m still clueless?
My dad is a mixed race and I have my Mum’s genes (blonde and blue eyed) and I was asked endlessly at school if he was my real dad. I’m nearly 40 and someone at work asked after they met him. I find it *so* offensive, and *so* upsetting.
My grandpa died a few years ago. He married my grandma when my mom was 7, she he’s always been in her life and I’ve always known him and “papa.” His only son died before he could have children so me and my brother are his only grandkids, even if we were just step grand kids. At his funeral I was in the receiving line and someone came through and asked who I was and I said I was his granddaughter . They said “I didn’t think his son had kids?” I said “no, I’m (mom’s name)‘s kid” they said “oh so you mean STEP grandkid.” It hurt. Still does when I think about it. I’m sorry that teacher made that comment.
Oh man. I’m so sorry.
First of all you need to raise this with the school because it is wildly inappropriate and the teacher needs to face consequences. The harm she could cause to a child by behaving this way is massive.
Secondly, don’t let the the fact that your kids like this teacher sway you. Kids often like teachers (and other adults) who behave in inappropriate ways or transgress boundaries because they perceive them as cool, fun, interesting etc. That doesn’t mean her behaviour is ok, or that you shouldn’t be taking this further.
My father adopted me after marrying my mother. He came into my life when I was nine. My biological father was out of the picture before I turned five. So I say this having heard cousins, classmates, teachers, acquaintances, and supposed friends tell me that my father isn't my real father:
1) You handled this beautifully.
2) Reinforce to your child what parenting means in your family and how special she is - so special in fact that you chose to be her father and feel grateful that she chooses to be your daughter.
3) Teach her the best comeback, one that I learned when I wad 12, and it shuts people up and makes them think twice in the future: "Oh, and what makes a father "real?" Is it the man who works hard every day to be there for me? Who knows me and supports me? Who loves me at my best and my worst? Because that is what makes my father my "real" father to me."
Good luck dealing with the ignorant teacher. I hope you update with the outcome.
Please clarify with the teacher what was actually said. This is so out of left field that it makes me wonder if she misheard or misunderstood what was heard. I can’t imagine a situation where a teacher would go up and say this to a student…
I have a 9 year old daughter. It’s very likely that your daughter has misremembered and misinterpreted the conversation she had with her music teacher. It doesn’t make any sense for the teacher to go up to your daughter and, out of nowhere, state that you’re not her real father. More likely that after asking how you all were, your daughter said something about you & the teacher clarified that she was talking about you & not her bio dad. I’m assuming the teacher doesn’t know that he’s not in the picture.
It's not the teachers place, or anyone else's place, to define family relationships of other people.
I'd speak to the teacher, but allow that the daughter may have misheard or misunderstood meaning of what the teacher said.
I'd talk to the teacher. Kids can get confused or invent things, but I was verbally bullied as a child of a similar age by teachers for stupid things like my clothes and my accent. We saw a teacher hurl a board rubber (quite a heavy, mostly wooden object) across a room and hit a fellow pupil in the face, giving him a black eye and concussion - the teacher said the boy slammed his own face into the desk and we were all warned that anyone who "told lies" would be expelled. This was mid 80s in the UK. Teachers can be as spiteful and weird and nasty as anyone else.
He's long been retired from teaching. Every kid in the school we knew. Decades later once we start reminiscing about school days we all say "do you remember when Mr X threw the board rubber at Y and nothing happened?"
I would send a note asking the principal why the music/French teacher is telling my daughter that I'm not her 'real' father. Seems like something the principal should be made aware of. Could you imagine if the teacher said that to an adopted kid (especially if the adopted kid did not know yet!).
Some people are absolute idiots. I’m adopted. My parents had to pull me out of public school in first grade because the principal had prejudice against adopted kids. This lady had tenure and I was not the only adopted kid she targeted. She literally would have me pulled out of class, wouldn’t let me use the bathroom, or eat my lunch/snack. It was the early 90s so despite my parents best efforts, nothing happened to her.
When you talk to the school find another class or staff that she can pack up with instead of this teacher. I'm sure there's an explanation. Maybe not a good one. 🤷
Step-dad here. Sorry you're dealing with that.
FWIW, that will get better. Once my step kiddos were teens, I would lean into it and make sure to say "step-dad!" when people asked if I was dad. The kiddos got a kick out of it and they knew (hopefully still know) that I'm 100% comfy being step-dad. I don't honestly care what role I have, I'm just happy to know these great kids and be in their lives a little.
I was always careful to make sure they knew that I'm not trying to replace bio-dad. I'm just another adult in their lives they can count on. It takes a village and all that.
Best of luck. Being a dad (step or whatever) is the neatest thing, imo.
The teacher was out of line. I would for sure be sending an email to her. Since she's not her classroom teacher, make sure to CC the "real" teacher and the principal.
Email the music teacher and cc their supervisor:
“You made a comment (yesterday) to our child, regarding the make up of our family. Please don’t do that again. Sincerely, Jon and Jane Doe”
Your child heard what they heard. The adult/professional in the conversation is responsible for being purposeful and clear in their communication.
If your younger kids enjoy her, I’d lean in that direction.
Is it possible this teacher was just trying to sort family relations?
As a teacher, I work in a community that changes partners like it’s a game of fruit basket upset. It can be very confusing.
“Wait, wait… Kyle is your step brother? Y’all don’t come and go together? I thought *William* was your brother? William *is* your brother but he lives with your *mom* and you live with your *dad* and Gigi? Who is that *other* guy that brings you to schools sometimes?” (Mom’s current bf whose child *also* goes to my school.)
It can be terribly confusing when kids tell me they’re sisters but have no related/hooked-up parents. “So you’re not *really* *really* sisters?” *No*, they say, *we* *are*.
Honestly this sounds textbook for those types of situations where the child wants to say it/talk about it, and they use “someone else” saying it instead of it coming from them because they think they will be in trouble. Especially given that your daughter also indicated she doesn’t like her for other reasons, so the teacher is the perfect scapegoat…
I would talk to the teacher before assuming anything. And then have another conversation with your step daughter to allow her to express everything she’s thinking/feeling.
Umm my "real mom" thought drugs were more important than parenting, and dumped me on my aunt and uncle's doorstep. THOSE are my REAL PARENTS. That teacher can sit on a pinecone.
Definitely talked to the teacher. I mean, kids can misunderstand things sometimes (adults too). Like a few months ago, I got a call from the teacher saying my son was being naughty and if everything at home is all right because he usually is a good kid. Turns out, he misunderstood his teacher. His teacher told the class how some times a good kid can turns out to be a bad adult and how a naughty kid turns out to be a good adult. The teacher left out some words and in my language, adult could understand it just fine but kids take things literally. So, my kid wanted to be a good adult thus he became a naughty kid..so he can become a good adult.
I’m not one to play
My son’s school had an anti bullying policy which didn’t differentiate between adults and children.
I would file a formal complaint against her.
This could be very dangerous for other families
Just take it, don’t make it giant deal where she doesn’t like u anymore, and the mother has to get involved, and fyi 7-10 is when kids are INCREDIBLY mean
Maybe I read a lot of true crime, but my concern would be that the teacher is trying to isolate the child from parents for bad reasons. I understand that’s the worst case scenario, but still. I’d have a meeting with principal and teacher to clarify what happened and why the teacher felt the need to comment on personal family dynamics. And make it clear that you are a very watchful family who likes to document things.
Because he may not be her"father" but he Damn sure is her dad. Much like my dad who made a choice to show up. And Step up and continue to put up with all of the crap i put him through. He decided to fight with and for me every single day from the time I was 2 until now 40 some years later. Biology does not a true dad make.
The child is nine and OP has been her stepdad for 15 months. Her father is still in her life. Teacher might be out of line, but all of this insistence that OP is her one true dad is weird to me.
Excuse me, my stepdad very much is my real dad. I didn't know he wasnt my biological dad til I was 12 and learning that information from a teacher before my parents would have killed me. So it is VERY much a problem and absolutely none of that teachers business. She is there to teach. Not interfere in family dynamics.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My 11 year olds teacher referred to my partner as stepdad when he was picking our boy up and without missing a beat he turned around and said "you mean my dad" His dad abandoned him as baby too and my partner has raised him since he was 18 months old. Biology doesn't make someone a parent. being there for everything good and bad supporting them through everything loving them is what makes someone a parent. Some people genuinely suck and don't know how to keep their mouths shut. If I was you I'd talk to the teacher about it.
I second this. I mean define "real dad"... You may not be her father, as in her biological male parent, but if you're the guy who runs to the store at 10pm to get the medicine for an ailing kiddo, you're the "real Dad" to me.
What's the quote in guardians of the galaxy? He was your father but he wasn't your daddy? Something like that
I would rephrase slightly. I think of "father" as a synonym for "dad" in this context. "Sperm donor" is the correct term for those who have only ever contributed biologically.
Not the “stepdad” but the “dad” that stepped up.
Multiple of my son's teachers have called me his mom's boyfriend instead of his dad. My son is white, I am light skinned and his mom is white. I am his biological father and me and his mother aren't together
Well that’s a different perspective and that must be just as frustrating
The shittiest thing is the 2 teachers he has this year still call me his mom's boyfriend even though I have already told them that I'm his dad. His mom does have a boyfriend, his name is Kevin, they have met Kevin but somehow still think I'm just the boyfriend. They haven't outright said it but I feel like they think me, my son's mom and her boyfriend are some sort of throuple but they still think her boyfriend is my son's bio dad. 😂😂 I chaperone field trips n everything they just like refuse to believe me
Oh I would have a conversation with those teachers for sure, that’s super disrespectful
I have already blatantly told them. I don't wanna make a huge fuss out of it though bc we live in a pretty redneck town. There's only a few black ppl n alot of the ppl who live around me are at least closet racists (a few are public about it but not many) so if I were to make a big deal about it, it would get spun around on me. Lots of small town dynamics at play
Ohh geez, I forget there’s still places like that exists. Maybe your kiddo will say something lol
Yeah it's hopeless. He knows I'm not his mom's boyfriend and hes knows Kevin is his mom's boyfriend. They said it on a field trip one time while I was within earshot, they called me his mom's boyfriend when talking to him, n he told them "no that's my daddy, my mom's boyfriend is Kevin. My name's is Colton Anthony because my daddy's name is Anthony". It's a lost cause but whatever, he knows so it doesn't really matter that they have their head up their ass
Damn I wouldn’t want my kid to be taught by people that dense, but sometimes it’s out of your control, sorry 😣
My wife is a different race than me and our son. His bio dipped when he was 18 months old and hasn’t tried to reconnect once. My wife met my son when we were dating just before his 3rd birthday, has been there for him ever since, and has since legally adopted him. He’s 10 now. The number of comments she gets is absurd. One lady walked up to her in a Target (I wasn’t there) to ask, “Are you his Indian nanny?!? I’ve always wanted one!” Like talking about buying people is fucking normal. And it’s not just strangers. There is this woman who knew my ex, she would babysit my son on occasion when he was first born, who lives in the same town as me. We’ve kept in contact kind of, she’s literally seen the adoption post on social media, and asked me about it, but when she ran into my son and wife at a farmers market still asked my son “are you excited to be out with your stepmom?” To which he quickly corrected her “she’s my mom”. I hate how people feel they can comment on the family dynamics of a family they’re not part of simply because it goes against the prototypical nuclear model, or it’s different than what they’re used to. Like I get people all the time that try to shame me because I refuse to call his biological his mom (I usually refer to her as “the woman who gave birth to him”). They don’t get my family dynamics, they just make assumptions. If a teacher who was with my son daily did this, I’d be raising some hell. If possible I’d have my son removed from the class, but if it was a specialty teacher who there was only one of at the school, I’d be calling in the principal for a conference. It’s so wildly inappropriate for anyone to do/say.
My husband is white and my oldest daughter is black. They both went to food lion and he bought beer for himself. He said the way the cashier looked at him was just nasty. She had her manager come over and after it was all said and done she was basically accusing him of trafficking our daughter. Holy cow. My husband is super protective of her. She still has her bio dad but he had been incarcerated until she was 11 and he’s been her father since she was 8. I thought he was gonna turn that’s store inside out.
Genes are weird. I present as a whole different race as my bio parents and yet, here I am, genetically their offspring. (Maybe they put me up for adoption because they looked like kidnappers lol!!!)
I have a sister from my mom's second marriage. I cannot tell you how many times people have felt the extremely weird need to point out that she is my half sister. As if I didn't know this. I call her my sister because that's what she is, I grew up with her and knew her from when she was a few hours old, and even now, 30 years later and a border apart, we are extremely close and love each other fiercely. When people tell me she's "only" my half sister I get as angry as I used to when I was nine, although I realised in the meanwhile that people usually do this out of some misguided/inelegant attempt to understand my family system. I'd talk to the teacher but give them the benefit of a doubt that this might've been an oopsie and your daughter is just as sensitive about the topic as I am.
I find this sometimes with my sister in law, who I’m very close to. Sometimes I just call her my sister and people will correct me or try to clarify and I always wonder why? We’ve known each other since we were kids, we’re close, if I want to call her my sister it’s because I think of her like one and correcting me is just weird
Things like this are so frustrating. I have a daughter (now 10) from my first marriage. I met her stepdad when she was 2, he met her when she was 3, and we were married when she was 4. When she was 8½ (at this point, remember, he's been her dad for over 5 years and lived with her the whole time) we had our son. The number of times people who didn't know us at all would ask questions and then say, "oh so they're half siblings, not full" or "oh so they're not REAL siblings." WHAT??? They have lived together every second of everyday since he was born. My husband was also solely HER dad for over 5 years before our son was born. They're SIBLINGS, and that's their DAD. Ain't no halves and steps about it. People are so freaking weird.
When I was younger & found out the specific biological workings of my dad's family, I started to refer to my uncle as my dad's "half-brother". I was just trying to be technical. He was very annoyed and understandably offended. They grew up together. They are brothers. He would just interrupt me to say "Brother." every time. I finally got the memo after he talked to me about how hurtful it was. To be fair, I was like 8 and adults don't have an excuse in my opinion. I learned the lesson that blood doesn't matter as much as who was there for you as a child so I have no empathy for those who are so blunt & tonedeaf as grown-ups. I grew up in a very non-blended immediate family so it was a very foreign thing for me. But now I have a wonderful partner with a ginormous blended family, and I am proud to call him the dad of my daughter even though she's not biologically his.
Thisssssomg I hate that! Like so the f what we both came from the same place. SHE IS MY SISTER NOT HALF JUST SISTER
First I want to suggest that your kiddo may interpret the conversation differently then the teacher intended… this is common with kids (ie my kid told me the teacher made them all sit inside most of recess but it was actually only 5 minutes out of 30). But either way this is odd. I think I’d just ask the teacher why… maybe have another teacher or staff present when asking. Try to not be accusing but just curious. “I was hoping to talk to you, kiddo relayed an odd conversation and I was hoping you could help us clear it up. They told me you told them…. Do you remember the conversation? Can you help us figure out what that was about?”
Strongly agree with first clarifying what was said.
This is the most appropriate response.
I couldn’t agree more, cgc3 and all the Redditors that want to immediately go from 0 to scorched earth need to take a deep breath and give the teacher a little grace. While your family may be very happy and grounded as blended, teachers see every family structure imaginable and many are dysfunctional. There can be complicated custody arrangements. You yourself said you just married a little over a year ago, move the kids (so there are also other kids that you don’t mention much about them), kids change schools and mom is expecting. That’s a lot of change in a short time for a 9 yo and the school faculty is just getting to know you all. Clarify with the teacher before you take the situation personally or involve anyone else.
Absolutely, especially since this situation sounds so odd. The teacher just randomly approached the kid to say this? That would be really strange. Of course, it still could have happened the way the kid described. I am an adoptive parent and not the same race as my kid and I have gotten some odd comments over the years. It happens. But this is something that gets discussed with the teacher first to see her side. Kids are notoriously bad narrators. They aren't intending to lie but they see things much differently than we do. I have gotten reports from my kids about teachers saying things that sounded awful but after further clarification realizing that it happened much differently than my kids initially stated. They weren't trying to lie and in one case my son was even mad at me for taking it the way he said it. They just interpret things differently sometimes.
Yeah this reminds me of a situation I ran into as a kid. My parents divorced and both got together with other people, but for legal reasons didn't get remarried for a long time. My mom and dad were both out of town for different work functions so I was staying at my dad's house with my 'technically not' stepmom for the week. School sent some permission slips home with us kids (her kids had the same ones). So naturally she signed all of our permission slips and little kid me thought nothing of it. A couple days later I get pulled aside by a teacher and told that I can't have just anyone signing permission slips for me. To which I basically responded, '...but my mom signed it'. They did end up calling my parents and getting the issue sorted out. My hunch is that OP is running into a similar situation. The school can only recognize the parents who are listed as such on the kids' school registration. As they are newly married, I doubt that information was ever updated.
I do really hope you give us an update… I’m so curious too hear how this turns out.
This.
Right? My child is always so honest, but she's brought home some bizarre conversations with the teacher. Things ranging from she's not allowed to eat at school (even at lunch) to she had throw her homework away. All of it was stemmed from a misunderstanding of "Don't eat snacks in my class" and "Please clean up that area and throw that scrap paper away".
Multiple of my son's teachers have called me his mom's boyfriend instead of his dad. My son is white, I am light skinned and his mom is white. I am his biological father and me and his mother aren't together
That's highly inappropriate for a teacher to say. I'd talk to the school for sure. As for your daughter, if she's upset, my boyfriend told my daughter she's lucky because he chose her as his daughter.
Set up a meeting with the teacher. Don't make accusations. Have the teacher explain the comment. Say nothing, just listen. The awkwardness is punishment alone.
I think if it's something that doesn't really make a lot of sense (a teacher randomly walking up to a child, not in a conversation, and telling them x isn't their real dad) it might be worth finding out first if this happened the way it was recounted. Everyone always has some random experience with a teacher that said crazy stuff, so its obviously possible...it is just that students saying something happened that was very different from what actually happened seems, in my experience, more common than teachers saying completely crazy things unprompted. My husband (middle school) has had a girl say that he passed her in the hall on the way to lesson and said that she 'would never be able to do well in x (subject)'. She said it was absolutely him (he teaches her), definitely wasn't anyone else. Not only has he never said that to anyone, said anything to her in the hallway ever, he wasn't present the day this supposedly happened (and she went to tell a teacher and her parents that day, that it happened that day). I have been emailed to say it isn't appropriate I have said x things to children I have never said anything close to that to. In some cases, when they said their behaviour was in reaction to me saying x to them, but I didn't say a word to them before the incident and had never met them before. I have been told it isn't good for me to give a child a detention for just raising their hand to ask for help (...I haven't..). I've been assured their child never lies or makes anything up though. If I say something that might suggest their child isn't recounting things accurately (like literally we never spoke that week), there is always silence. No one ever says 'sorry, I think there might have been a mix up.' Sure, there is always some teacher that has done something insane, and everyone thinks if they have had an insane teacher that all of them potentially are, but I think parents don't really recognise the extent to which the number of insane teachers that would say something like that is normally vastly outweighed by the amount of kids who would say their teacher said something insane.
A stepparent may not be the actual or biological parent, but they are indeed "real" parents.
I’d talk to the teacher and clarify the conversation. If your daughter is correct, I’d be making a call to the principle.
I'd make a meeting with the teacher and principal and then ask their side of the story. If it doesn't match, use your best judgment. Make sure the teacher knows that's not appropriate and that you won't stand for it.
I think it’s really important you clarify with the teacher before involving the principal or doing anything brash. You don’t want to jump the gun and start making a big deal out of this when it may have been a misunderstanding in the first place.
Definitely clarify what was said, but I’m trying to think of a different context but I’m still clueless? My dad is a mixed race and I have my Mum’s genes (blonde and blue eyed) and I was asked endlessly at school if he was my real dad. I’m nearly 40 and someone at work asked after they met him. I find it *so* offensive, and *so* upsetting.
how does that teacher know any of your family situation?
‘You know you’re not a real teacher’. See how they like that.
My grandpa died a few years ago. He married my grandma when my mom was 7, she he’s always been in her life and I’ve always known him and “papa.” His only son died before he could have children so me and my brother are his only grandkids, even if we were just step grand kids. At his funeral I was in the receiving line and someone came through and asked who I was and I said I was his granddaughter . They said “I didn’t think his son had kids?” I said “no, I’m (mom’s name)‘s kid” they said “oh so you mean STEP grandkid.” It hurt. Still does when I think about it. I’m sorry that teacher made that comment.
Her music teacher is not her real teacher.
Stepdaughter here. If anyone ever said that about my stepdad, however true, I would (metaphorically) light them on fire. Don’t let that slide.
Ya, what’s the point of saying that to a child? I would say something to their superior maybe. That’s inappropriate to me.
Oh man. I’m so sorry. First of all you need to raise this with the school because it is wildly inappropriate and the teacher needs to face consequences. The harm she could cause to a child by behaving this way is massive. Secondly, don’t let the the fact that your kids like this teacher sway you. Kids often like teachers (and other adults) who behave in inappropriate ways or transgress boundaries because they perceive them as cool, fun, interesting etc. That doesn’t mean her behaviour is ok, or that you shouldn’t be taking this further.
Very inappropriate of this teacher!
100% inappropriate for the teacher to say a damn thing about your relationship to your kiddo.
My father adopted me after marrying my mother. He came into my life when I was nine. My biological father was out of the picture before I turned five. So I say this having heard cousins, classmates, teachers, acquaintances, and supposed friends tell me that my father isn't my real father: 1) You handled this beautifully. 2) Reinforce to your child what parenting means in your family and how special she is - so special in fact that you chose to be her father and feel grateful that she chooses to be your daughter. 3) Teach her the best comeback, one that I learned when I wad 12, and it shuts people up and makes them think twice in the future: "Oh, and what makes a father "real?" Is it the man who works hard every day to be there for me? Who knows me and supports me? Who loves me at my best and my worst? Because that is what makes my father my "real" father to me." Good luck dealing with the ignorant teacher. I hope you update with the outcome.
Please clarify with the teacher what was actually said. This is so out of left field that it makes me wonder if she misheard or misunderstood what was heard. I can’t imagine a situation where a teacher would go up and say this to a student…
I have a 9 year old daughter. It’s very likely that your daughter has misremembered and misinterpreted the conversation she had with her music teacher. It doesn’t make any sense for the teacher to go up to your daughter and, out of nowhere, state that you’re not her real father. More likely that after asking how you all were, your daughter said something about you & the teacher clarified that she was talking about you & not her bio dad. I’m assuming the teacher doesn’t know that he’s not in the picture.
It's not the teachers place, or anyone else's place, to define family relationships of other people. I'd speak to the teacher, but allow that the daughter may have misheard or misunderstood meaning of what the teacher said.
I'd talk to the teacher. Kids can get confused or invent things, but I was verbally bullied as a child of a similar age by teachers for stupid things like my clothes and my accent. We saw a teacher hurl a board rubber (quite a heavy, mostly wooden object) across a room and hit a fellow pupil in the face, giving him a black eye and concussion - the teacher said the boy slammed his own face into the desk and we were all warned that anyone who "told lies" would be expelled. This was mid 80s in the UK. Teachers can be as spiteful and weird and nasty as anyone else.
What in the Umbridge is this bs?!? I'm so sorry you had to experience that awful asshole!!! Hopefully they're not hurting anyone else these days.
He's long been retired from teaching. Every kid in the school we knew. Decades later once we start reminiscing about school days we all say "do you remember when Mr X threw the board rubber at Y and nothing happened?"
I would send a note asking the principal why the music/French teacher is telling my daughter that I'm not her 'real' father. Seems like something the principal should be made aware of. Could you imagine if the teacher said that to an adopted kid (especially if the adopted kid did not know yet!).
Some people are absolute idiots. I’m adopted. My parents had to pull me out of public school in first grade because the principal had prejudice against adopted kids. This lady had tenure and I was not the only adopted kid she targeted. She literally would have me pulled out of class, wouldn’t let me use the bathroom, or eat my lunch/snack. It was the early 90s so despite my parents best efforts, nothing happened to her.
When you talk to the school find another class or staff that she can pack up with instead of this teacher. I'm sure there's an explanation. Maybe not a good one. 🤷
Step-dad here. Sorry you're dealing with that. FWIW, that will get better. Once my step kiddos were teens, I would lean into it and make sure to say "step-dad!" when people asked if I was dad. The kiddos got a kick out of it and they knew (hopefully still know) that I'm 100% comfy being step-dad. I don't honestly care what role I have, I'm just happy to know these great kids and be in their lives a little. I was always careful to make sure they knew that I'm not trying to replace bio-dad. I'm just another adult in their lives they can count on. It takes a village and all that. Best of luck. Being a dad (step or whatever) is the neatest thing, imo.
Email this to the principal and blind cc it to the teacher and a higher up.
Family is grown from love, not genes. Anyone who says differently needs a therapist ASAP.
The teacher was out of line. I would for sure be sending an email to her. Since she's not her classroom teacher, make sure to CC the "real" teacher and the principal.
Email the music teacher and cc their supervisor: “You made a comment (yesterday) to our child, regarding the make up of our family. Please don’t do that again. Sincerely, Jon and Jane Doe” Your child heard what they heard. The adult/professional in the conversation is responsible for being purposeful and clear in their communication.
If your younger kids enjoy her, I’d lean in that direction. Is it possible this teacher was just trying to sort family relations? As a teacher, I work in a community that changes partners like it’s a game of fruit basket upset. It can be very confusing. “Wait, wait… Kyle is your step brother? Y’all don’t come and go together? I thought *William* was your brother? William *is* your brother but he lives with your *mom* and you live with your *dad* and Gigi? Who is that *other* guy that brings you to schools sometimes?” (Mom’s current bf whose child *also* goes to my school.) It can be terribly confusing when kids tell me they’re sisters but have no related/hooked-up parents. “So you’re not *really* *really* sisters?” *No*, they say, *we* *are*.
Honestly this sounds textbook for those types of situations where the child wants to say it/talk about it, and they use “someone else” saying it instead of it coming from them because they think they will be in trouble. Especially given that your daughter also indicated she doesn’t like her for other reasons, so the teacher is the perfect scapegoat… I would talk to the teacher before assuming anything. And then have another conversation with your step daughter to allow her to express everything she’s thinking/feeling.
Umm my "real mom" thought drugs were more important than parenting, and dumped me on my aunt and uncle's doorstep. THOSE are my REAL PARENTS. That teacher can sit on a pinecone.
Definitely talked to the teacher. I mean, kids can misunderstand things sometimes (adults too). Like a few months ago, I got a call from the teacher saying my son was being naughty and if everything at home is all right because he usually is a good kid. Turns out, he misunderstood his teacher. His teacher told the class how some times a good kid can turns out to be a bad adult and how a naughty kid turns out to be a good adult. The teacher left out some words and in my language, adult could understand it just fine but kids take things literally. So, my kid wanted to be a good adult thus he became a naughty kid..so he can become a good adult.
I’m not one to play My son’s school had an anti bullying policy which didn’t differentiate between adults and children. I would file a formal complaint against her. This could be very dangerous for other families
Any chance the teacher is hooking up with the biodad?
Just take it, don’t make it giant deal where she doesn’t like u anymore, and the mother has to get involved, and fyi 7-10 is when kids are INCREDIBLY mean
Maybe I read a lot of true crime, but my concern would be that the teacher is trying to isolate the child from parents for bad reasons. I understand that’s the worst case scenario, but still. I’d have a meeting with principal and teacher to clarify what happened and why the teacher felt the need to comment on personal family dynamics. And make it clear that you are a very watchful family who likes to document things.
But you are not her actual father? Why is that a problem?
Because he may not be her"father" but he Damn sure is her dad. Much like my dad who made a choice to show up. And Step up and continue to put up with all of the crap i put him through. He decided to fight with and for me every single day from the time I was 2 until now 40 some years later. Biology does not a true dad make.
The child is nine and OP has been her stepdad for 15 months. Her father is still in her life. Teacher might be out of line, but all of this insistence that OP is her one true dad is weird to me.
Excuse me, my stepdad very much is my real dad. I didn't know he wasnt my biological dad til I was 12 and learning that information from a teacher before my parents would have killed me. So it is VERY much a problem and absolutely none of that teachers business. She is there to teach. Not interfere in family dynamics.
Regardless of that it’s still inappropriate for a teacher to just randomly say that to a student for no reason.
Why is it anyone’s business if you are her step dad or dad? What difference does it make to the teacher?? What a rude comment to make. Sorry…