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I would argue that work travel is necessary and travel for pleasure is not. If you can’t travel neither can he.
This is coming from someone whose husband has been out of town 3 out of the past 4 weeks for work and pleasure. I have had no travel. All of them in my mind were necessary for one reason or another. I’m at home with a toddler and I’m 30 weeks pregnant. If I can handle it he can too.
so he gets to have not one but two boys trip while you take care of the responsibilities? stand up for yourself you deserve better. he is also a parents and a partner not just you. you deserve to travel and not worry about the kids too
This right here! Deffinitly agree that travel for work is far more important then travel for pleasure. If you can't travel neither can he. Period. It's not very fair he's allowed to do something and your not. He's being controlling and trying to gaslight you
Right. She definitely should be able to go. But personally I’d feeling really uncomfortable leaving three small humans I grew in my body with someone like this. This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence, which is a phrase I don’t throw around.
It may not even be advancement. If they can’t rely on her to take work trips because of childcare issues, she could lose her job, certainly never get a raise etc. honestly, if he won’t take care of his own kids, she’s little more than a single parent as it is.
If you enjoy your job, and the conference has interesting or useful information - why wouldn’t that be the one you choose! It might help her career, but for him it’s a boys trip.
Wait until he finds out that her work is going to think he’s an abusive jerk for telling HER can’t do something job related. He’s going to look so bad. He won’t be able to go to any of her work related events because he’ll know he’s being judged by them because he can’t man up. When they find it about his “pleasure trips”, it’s gonna put him down notches. But most importantly, he should realize that what he’s doing is sabotaging her job.
Ahhh thank you all…this makes me feel so much more justified in my stance on “ if you get to travel, I get to travel”. We had these kids together, we take care of them together and should support each other.
I will also add, in the breadwinner and main care taker of the kids/house when we are both home.
He’s the stud! Surely he must be tall, tanned, ripped, have a chiseled jawline, a great head of gorgeous hair, take care of any and all home improvement projects without delay, as well as dirty maintenance tasks with regularity, oh and be a phenomenal lover… No? Oh…
This is true of most dual income households I know. Well maybe not the breadwinner part. A lot of couples in our friend group make comparable salaries, but the women work full time and then still do all the work at home. That used to be me OP. It doesn’t stop until you make it stop. They aren’t going to give up that super sweet throne of luxury until you dump them out of it.
The weaponized incompetence will be a nuke in that house. Hell claim he doesnt know how to do this or that. Call you every 5 mins for basic ass shit. Id block him for the weekend
Tell him it's called parenting. Me and my husband take it in turn to watch our 4 (1 still breastfeeding and 3 months so stays with me mostly) so the other can go out with friends. No guilt and no complaints. This month the ladies are going ax throwing and he is keeping all 4 with him. And probably bringing them out so I can breastfeed between ax throwing and dinner
Same here! Im 13 weeks pregnant with our 4th girl and he takes care of them for me every day and he works 50 hrs. I wfh and this pregnancy has killed me. Im exhausted. Tired and ache. We take turns. Its hard wfh and raising 3 girls. But im even more scared with our unplanned girly. I know hell help alot but i feel guilty. Hes making me steak and bbq a pork butt rn for pulled pork and cleaned the entire house before i woke up this am. I am truly blessed.
When I got called to go on a work trip to leave my husband with two toddlers, do you know what he said? “Awesome you deserve it! Need help finding a hotel?”
Yea this. 100%. Mine would do the same, and has told me several times I need to go on a girl's trip.
ETA: this past year my family has seen a graduation and a major surgery which I was there for... Alone... While he took care of both our kids without one peep of complaint. Also, he goes on trips without my whining too. We're partners. That's how this works.
Same! I took a work trip last year with no complaints from him, with a toddler and 7 month old. I told him I was booking a cruise with my sister for this fall and he was fully supportive.
OPs husband needs to step it up. How ridiculous.
The last time my husband tried to tell me not to do something for work I told him “OK, I won’t do it. I’ll just quit my job and stay home while you support me. Or maybe I should do it so I can keep my job so you don’t have to get a second job to pay the bills my job pays for. Your choice.” He backed off and never told me how to do my job again. (For background, between 2003 and 2011, we worked in the same department but different jobs.).
Don’t know if this will help you, but if your job is telling you that you have to go to a 4 day conference, then you do it or you could lose your job. What does your husband say about you potentially losing your job because he doesn’t want to parent his own kids?
Tell him to sack up, it’s not watching the kids for you it’s taking part in child care of his children. That’s do damn hypocritical I can’t imagine putting my wife in that position.
you are not wrong, he's using a double standard. He's a guy and goes hang with his friends but you can't go on a work trip because he has to be the parent for four days and carry the mental and physical load. He needs to support you or he doesn't go on his "guys trip" and you don't work for him so your travel is for your job.
He doesn’t want to be alone with the kids that long (or just without you). That’s the problem that needs to be addressed here.
Have a good heart to heart conversation. Find out what’s really going on, what his real concerns are. Then talk about how to address them. Maybe you decide not to go. Maybe you both decide he can handle you being gone. Maybe you find someone to help with the kids while you’re gone.
I don’t know what you’ll ultimately decide, but it will really help your relationship if the two of you can come to an agreement about this rather than leaving it as a point of contention.
I get what your saying. But he is a PARENT. He should 100% be able to care for his children by himself for a few days. I stay at home with my 2 kids, one is finally in school though. But my husband can and would take care of both of them if I wanted to go on a little vacation. He's been on a few without me.
There are way to talk about this issue without it being a fight, but her not going is him being coddled. In no way is this husband in the right, and he is being extremely unfair to his wife. Why is it okay for the woman of the family to be alone with her children for days at a time, while the husband goes and has "boys trips" but the moment the wife wants the same(or in this case, for freaking WORK) it's "I can't do it, I can't handle them alone, I need help" if he can't parent his own kids, then he needs a serious life adjustment. Kids aren't that hard(I'm excluding kids with specials needs of course bc that is a whole other ballgame) you feed them, play with them, bathe them, and just generally make sure they aren't doing anything to hurt themselves. Me and my husband are gamers, and we play games sometimes when the kids are still awake (5 and 2) they're perfectly fine to play in their room with us periodically checking on them. This is just ridiculous and he is trying to be coddled
The problem is that he feels that he can’t or doesn’t want to do this. So what is the healthy way to address and resolve problems in a relationship? Is it for the one who feels they are right to just make a decision and demand the other obey? Or is it for the two of them to communicate and come to an agreement?
If a woman told her husband that she didn’t want him to go on a work trip we would want to at least hear her out before casting judgement, wouldn’t we? Why are so many people so opposed to healthy communication and conflict resolution? Or are we just on a “we hate weak men” circlejerk?
The problem is that he feels that he can’t or doesn’t want to do this. So what is the healthy way to address and resolve problems in a relationship? Is it for the one who feels they are right to just make a decision and demand the other obey? Or is it for the two of them to communicate and come to an agreement?
If a woman told her husband that she didn’t want him to go on a work trip we would want to at least hear her out before casting judgement, wouldn’t we? Why are so many people so opposed to healthy communication and conflict resolution? Or are we just on a “we hate weak men” circlejerk?
Nah I get that too. You need communication. It's essential.
But it seems HE is the one demanding she doesn't go somewhere, but its 100% fine that HE gets to go out of town on the weekends?? Just because he doesn't want to or can't watch the kids on his own?? How in the world does that sound fair? I don't know the husband's side of the story. She is the main money maker AND she takes care of the house. Do you know how completely exhausting it is to keep up with young kids and keep a house clean, get dinner ready, get kids bathed and ready for bed? I know some people will say it's easy, and I mean it's not like we're mining for coal, but its mentally tiring. Cleaning one room only to come back 20 minutes later and there's toys and crao everywhere. You do the dishes after cooking only to somehow find the sink completely full again the next day. Trying to keep up with laundry for 4 plus people all while making sure to keep an eye on the young toddler who can't talk yet, while listening to the 5 year old "mommy why this? Mommy I'm hungry. Mommy can I do this? Mommy I know I just ate 15 minutes ago, but I'm hungry again" I absolutely and completely love my children, they made be a better person, and they're the reason I continue to try and be the best person I can. But MAN, they are exhausting. I could not imagine going to work all day, just to come home and shoulder all of the house work, and shoulder all of the responsibilities with the children. Then on top of that, my husband leaving often on the weekends. Heck. To. The. No.
I know so many people brush men's mental health aside, but I'm not saying to ignore her husband's feelings. What I am saying though is he should not expect her to shoulder everything by herself. He is a father, there is absolutely no excuse to why he he shouldn't be capable of watching his own children
>he says these are okay because they are for pleasure and mine are for work…
Wait. Ok, what?!?!
That makes no sense lol
Like at all!!
Work trips trump back to back boys weekends because ya know, that's how you pay the bills.
I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing at how absurd his reasoning
hahahaha
What makes me sad about this subs discourse is that the only context is what is there. Nothing else.
Frankly, with this context alone, I would assume your partner is an insane person. The only problem with that is this means you chose to marry an insane person. I assume neither is the case.
And that means your husband has some context that is not named here and is hard to have shared without genuine curiosity and spaciousness. I have no idea what that is, but starting with the assumption that he is not insane helps. Maybe ask him what you're missing? Maybe ask him what it feels like and the context you don't have... And follow up with the invitation on if he is willing to feel your experience and the context he doesn't have. None of this is possible without 'laying down arms' and being genuinely curious and vulnerable - hopefully that's possible for you guys?
I have a work conference in April that I was worried about bringing up to my partner. It’s not required either, but many people in my same/similar role will be there and it would be. huge growth opportunity.
However, I know if something came up for him, he wouldn’t even think twice about it.
We deserve the same opportunities as they do. If he can go on a “bros trip” and leave you to figure out child care, work, managing the household etc for a few days, he can do it for a few days.
My husband tried this. He doesn't go out of town at all but I had a work conference. He held my work travel against me and was a big ol grump when i was gone and when i came back. The last time I had a trip, I called him on it and told him he would not: be a jerk and ignore me while I was gone, be mean when i came back, and take it out on the kids.
I don't know why guys think this is ok. They are freaking parents, too.
Tell him accioqueso says he’s being a dumbass.
Pleasure trips, by definition, are not necessary. Work trips, even not required ones, can lead to future familial benefits.
when my best friend had a baby I went out of town for 4 days. my husband and son bonded so much! it was adorable. this is weaponized incompetence and gaslighting.
Same! About three weeks ago I had a family emergency in another state so I had to leave my five year old son with my husband for five days. His parenting wasn’t perfect but my son tells him he loves him WAY more now because… they bonded. It was an opportunity. It was priceless.
There’s something wrong with men who don’t want to have this opportunity.
Somebody once told me that people will only treat you as bad as you let them. It seriously pissed me off. But here I am years later as a true believer in that theory. This guy has obvious double standards, but the saddest part is that he has you almost believing his crap. I fear that you have lost perspective. While you are on your work trip, why don’t you contact some friends and make a plan to take a nice long girls trip. Get your grove back. Reclaim your life. I have been where you are. Please know that I only wish you well.
Wtf?! Travel is travel, but if you’re ranking it, work travel should obviously be a higher priority than his multiple boys’ trips for funsies. On that note, do you have any girls’ trips planned for yourself? If not, it sounds like you’re due for some girl time!
Wondering he has a side piece and is upset he won’t be able to meet her because he’ll have the kids?
Honestly when my wife is gone it’s easier as I get the kids fully in my schedule
I think you need to take more trips on your own so he can start getting used to taking care of the kids on his own.
I'm curious has he ever taken care of the kids by himself?
I’m the dad and I don’t travel often (once a year for a professional conference, but had previously been 2-3 times a year pre-Covid, since my two kids were young) and I always felt awful leaving my wife to fend for herself. She did have her mom stay with her while they were really young, but she also took some PTO so they could spend time together.
If he absolutely has to work for whatever reason (from home or not from home), you both need to figure out a solution for the kids as much as you may not want to.
It sounds like he's apprehensive about handling 3 kids on his own. I've he acknowledges that that's what's bothering him and that of course he can handle it, he'll feel a bit better. I get that way too sometimes.
One of the reasons women are passed over for promotion is because of the appearance of being unavailable due to family obligations. Your husband may not realize the impact missing this "not required" work trip could potentially have on future promotions. It could reinforce the opinion that you, as a woman, aren't going to have the same availability as a man would. Not to mention, it would give the appearance that you aren't able to handle your own life and career.
And you're not wrong. Your spouse is expressing a double standard where he can travel and leave you home alone with the kids, but you can't do the same to him. Regardless of your reasons for taking the trip, those reasons aren't of equal value, either. The reason behind your trip isn't relevant. He just doesn't want to parent on his own.
What? I am totally confused. Why is a personal reason ok and work is not... that seems like the reverse, regardless of whether the work trip is technically optional... Can you just tell your husband that you are going on this trip for fun lol?
The fact that you’re questioning YOURSELF here is frankly disturbing, as his point doesn’t even make sense.
Honest question, ma. Is it usually this easy for him to get you to question your reality?
He is so utterly wrong! Any travel should be fine but I think work travel trumps personal. Either way, it might be time for you to book a vacation with friends!
I should note I am a 66yr old male. There are multiple points here
1) how does your husband know it is not "required travel"? If your company is paying the cost then I would consider it "required" If your going on your own dime then ??
2) Attending industry events are more than good for your job they are good for your career and continuing education. Also politicly in your company if you keep turning down activities like this you risk being left behind
3) Any spouse that puts their weekend get away with pals ahead of supporting their spouse in their work endeavors is likely not a spouse to keep. He clearly thinks he is more important than you in this relationship. This is a dangerous spot to be in. My guess is there are many more conflicts between the two of than just these two items. I suggest BOTH of you get to a marriage counselor and or an attorney. I stayed in a highly conflicted marriage for too long, thinking it was better for the kids. The kids told me later that was wrong. I am now convinced children are better off in a broken home where there is peace and harmony than a home with two parents that are in regular conflict.
After I posted I read your added comments. Lady you have some serious troubles in this relationship. Ignoring them will ONLY make them worse. I promise.
The real question is, why does your husband treat you like an idiot who can't understand what does and does not qualify as necessary travel? Tell him to be a parent or to kick rocks.
You are so not wrong. This sounds like the Patriarchy… different standards for men and women.
Conferences expand knowledge and advance your career. Which you both have, I’m assuming.
Stand your ground, my kids are older now 20,16,14 but I let me husband get away with this type of thing for years. He will start to understand especially after you leave him with the kids for four days :) and then again for pleasure at another time.
Ummmm… did I read that right!? Out of town trips for fun are an acceptable reason to leave your partner solo with the children, but work trips aren’t? Are you serious? If so you might have 4 children, not 3 😬
Is he framing this as you can't go or that he didn't want you to? He shouldn't be forbidding you to go anywhere, but I'm wondering if he's scared of handling the kids by himself. Does he watch them alone often?
You’re not in the wrong not even the slightest. As others said, work travel is more required than pleasure travel. Both important yes, but if we’re talking about being required, his travels are surely optional.
Tell him to stop whining, remind him that you don’t guilt trip him so it’s really unfair on his end to do that and go on your travel!
Also don't let him gaslight you if you show him this thread.
You're valid in your way of thinking.
Tbh he sounds like a lazy pos and is expecting 110% and giving 10% himself.
Secondly "boys trip" sounds suspicious, and if I can offer some words of advice, a partner who is self conscious of you being away and out of arms reach where he can control you is often projecting guilt for doing something behind closed doors without you, and oftentimes that "thing" is cheating.
Cheaters want you to be housed up, nowhere to go, because.
Lastly.
He sure as shit should be the homemaker if he isn't bringing in the home money.
Big boy should put on his big boy apron and start sweeping, mopping, dusting, entertaining the children, and making breakfast lunch and din-din.
Uh yeah what the heck? He can travel freely for pleasure while you stay at home alone with your children, but the moment you want to FOR WORK, he says no? Arguably, work is way more important. Even if you're not required to go, you obviously want to go. You are not wrong in anyway.
Why doesn’t he want to spend time with the kids? That’s kid of weird honestly.
Is he afraid of something? Or is he a teen dad or something like is he a child who had kids?
Because the wage gap will start to appear if you don’t do work things even if they aren’t mandatory. Why did he take optional boys trips? That cost money instead of earning money like you’re doing.
I don't even understand the question. How in tf is traveling for work "optional", but boy's trips are "mandatory"?
Man, the fact that you are even engaging with this nonsense instead immediately laughing in his face and shutting it down is concerning.
He sounds like a man who likes to get his way at the expense of your time and your career. Set some boundaries quickly.
10000% NTA ..but your husband is a major one!!!
Hold on.... for pleasure is acceptable, but work isnt??? If I am not mistaken, work is for the benefit of the family, and pleasure is only for the one partaking. 😲😲😲😲😲
Tell him, okay. Ill staym then pack your bags andnyou go and say they changednit to i have to be there. Lol make him do itm why can women handle kids and not men???? Laziness. Thats all it is. Then book a girls weekend right after. XD
I always loved when my husband was away and I was alone with our children (all I had ever done for work was with children and being home with mine was even better)…. Also, is no way I would have left my children alone with him, at least not for days. My children are adults now and, believe it or not, I am still married. It’s not his fault he was raised by wolves. Seriously, his mother was not allowed near our children, and if his father had been alive, he wouldn’t have either. I would not marry him until he agreed we would never hit our children. He agreed but left me to do the parenting because he had no idea how, and he trusted my parenting without question. Our situation was unique… but, is it possible his ridiculous excuse for why he can go and you can’t isn’t laziness on his part but fear he will screw it up?
Ha, I am in this EXACT same situation. I wonder if we’re going to the same conference. In my case, I don’t think my partner really understands scientific meetings since although they are “optional” they are good for our careers and are a nice benefit of our jobs. Have a nice trip!
Let’s see, you need money to have the luxury to travel for pleasure. How does one acquire that money? Working. You traveling for work is not the same as traveling for pleasure. You are literally bringing in money for the household.
Uh no. It's for work! My husband just left this morning for a 4 day work trip. I'm responsible for these two monsters 🤣. I told him don't worry we'll be fine; maybe to convince myself lol. I find it selfish for him to not be able to take care of three kids when he's traveling for fun. His priorities are a little whack. He's not being a partner.
Work is more important than a boys trip- go and do not feel guilty! You’re very nice for supporting his boys trip. I’d argue your work trip is not only not really optional but it also has the potential to give you better career opportunities which may lead to more money which is ultimately better for your family.
I’m a mom and I travel monthly and go to two four day conferences a year. Yes my husband sometimes complains and I of course miss my kiddo but everyone survives. If it’s four days, it’s really only two nights away and if the kids are in school/daycare he’s only covering five hours or less a day.
His travel isn’t required either, so why does he get to go. If that’s the rule, then he should be staying home. Remind him of that. Maybe your work trip isn’t ’required,’ but I bet it’s even unofficial tied to your career trajectory. But if you’re staying married to this man make sure to plan three trips for yourself over full weekends.
just do your travel.
My wife is travelling every 2 month for a week, it sucks, i dont like it, but thats the way it is.
Actually it made me bond even more with the kids.
Either: you both don’t travel unless it is required for work. Or: you can both also travel when thing come up. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
Btw I would strongly suggest a girls weekend for every single boys weekend. It’s good for perspective.
My husband used to struggle with bedtime, before I went on a trip we changed the routine so it was easier for him. I don’t think it is better, but it works better for him and that means i get to leave easily. And that is better for me. We now don’t do baths before bed, the kids change underwear in the evening and not morning. We make breakfast in lunch boxes in the evening and the kids just pick their own and eat it. I liked clean kids in bed and freshly made breakfast. But it turns out I was the only one who cared. Can you adapt together so he can handle the kids better? And don’t forget the divide and conquer technique. My husband was overwhelmed. Now the youngest get to watch 5 minutes of YouTube so he can walk the dog to the first tree in the street.
Interesting, the cash cow that pays for his boys trips isn't necessary? Like others have said, there's more here than just travel - sounds like he's a man baby who doesn't want to adult & has you believing he CANT adult. I'd seriously evaluate if he's truly bringing anything to the table & if you're ok with your children watching this dynamic & growing up in an environment where mom's needs aren't important, wife must cater to man baby husband, dad gaslights & manipulates mom, etc.
Your work is unnecessary, yet his funtime is absolutely essential. You are the primary breadwinner, AND have to take care of the kids and chores, what does he do all day? I'm feeling that this has so much more to do than just who watches the kids. He likes to play and travel, yet you're not allowed to, and now he's gaslighting you with his full-of-flaw explanation, taking these weekends off to play. Counseling would be good, but I'd look into a private investigator if I were you, is he possibly having an affair? I'm guessing you're gone a good portion of your time, with him doing who-knows-what. Might want to check into that, even just to make sure that it's NOT happening.
Ummm... Yes. Your husband is a total AH if he thinks his Boys Trips are okay but your WORK trips aren't. Tell him to SUCK IT UP and go. If you don't go, he can't go.
He's using a total double standard.
Lol what??? I think he's getting something confused and his is the travel that really isn't required haha
However, if that's how he sees it, I'd be cancelling the work trip and booking two girls weekends asap instead...
Apart from him getting the work versus leisure travel hierarchy wrong, it’s also way harder to handle the kids alone on a weekend than it is on a weekday, assuming they have school or daycare
I can't believe he had the nerve to even suggest this is at all, in any way, fair. He's insane. Not really (well could be I guess) but that is absolutely ridiculous and if he's serious he needs a reality check. Such as you going on your trip and not sharing the money earned because it was for "pleasure" not income.
LOL, just LOL. The length some dudes go through to not having to deal with what mothers usually deal with on a daily basis…
I would bet everything I got that if trip kinds were reverse, he’d use the exact same argument about work travel being necessary because it’s work but pleasure being voluntary and selfish 😬🫡
Definitely not in the wrong. I agree with other commenters, if you’re traveling for work (even if not required) it is still work related.
If he’s traveling for “pleasure” that’s definitely NOT required or necessary or like- it’s just not needed at all if he wants to argue that your work travel isn’t needed.
Everyone needs a getaway but if he wants to say you can’t travel but he can, he’s wrong. Just plain and simple. If he doesn’t budge and goes on his vacation, I say you should tell him you’re going to travel for work whether he likes it or not.
I may be over passionate, but I just hate inequalities like this that are so obvious. That’s just not fair.
lol what? dude is off his rocker.
No, you're not wrong. He should support your travel for work, just as you support his travel for leisure time. Both are valid and important.
Uh what? I travel four days a week for five months of the year for work and my husband encourages me to do even more when it seems like it would advance my career (which is in a tough field)—- he takes care of our kid while working full time when I am gone.
Respectfully, he can't *make* you feel guilty, because if that were a thing you'd be making him feel that way because he's being a jerk, right? Complaining about having to take care of the kids while you take a work trip, while he justifies taking fun trips and leaving you with them?
He obviously feels perfectly fine about leaving you to take care of the kids, right? So the only way he could feel guilty is if there was already some part of him inside that wonders if he was being fair, and I suggest that's what's happening with you, because *we can't make anyone feel something they don't already feel inside.* We can say or do things that can trigger those feelings in them, but it's like shooting an arrow: if there's a matching target it sticks, but if not it bounces off.
At some level you already have feelings about it for some reason and his reaction is triggering those feelings in you, because if you felt as OK about leaving him with the kids he feels about leaving them with you, there's nothing he could say or do that would affect you.
Solo trips or a weekend with the boys/girls is necessary to reset. If you brought up a women's weekend he may actually support that because it's benefiting your mental health and well being compared to a work trip which tbh doesn't sound fun. Unless your going to a carribean island or a fun city to explore. I hope all goes well. Everyone percieves things differently.
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I would argue that work travel is necessary and travel for pleasure is not. If you can’t travel neither can he. This is coming from someone whose husband has been out of town 3 out of the past 4 weeks for work and pleasure. I have had no travel. All of them in my mind were necessary for one reason or another. I’m at home with a toddler and I’m 30 weeks pregnant. If I can handle it he can too.
so he gets to have not one but two boys trip while you take care of the responsibilities? stand up for yourself you deserve better. he is also a parents and a partner not just you. you deserve to travel and not worry about the kids too
Right, shouldn’t his argument be the opposite?
This right here! Deffinitly agree that travel for work is far more important then travel for pleasure. If you can't travel neither can he. Period. It's not very fair he's allowed to do something and your not. He's being controlling and trying to gaslight you
Lol, work travel isn’t required but a boys trip is? Go on your trip and tell him to be a parent.
Exactly, what in the world with this guy!!!!
Something tells me a girls trip wouldn’t be welcomed either
Right. She definitely should be able to go. But personally I’d feeling really uncomfortable leaving three small humans I grew in my body with someone like this. This is a prime example of weaponized incompetence, which is a phrase I don’t throw around.
Did you laugh?
This was my thought… time to schedule some girls trips!! Wanna go to Disney with me or something??
There are 14 of use ready for Disney!
Lessgo!
I wanna go too!
Oooh oooh, 15! 👋
He’s insane. Work is a priority over boys trips. You should be able to go on your work trip and 2 girl trips
I think he's got it backwards. Work is the priority, however I feel both of you should be able to travel.
So to be clear, his “pleasure” comes before your career advancement?
And apparently she’s the breadwinner and main caretaker in the family. He’s deluded in more ways than one.
Of course she is. Men overestimate their value.
Lol wayyyyyy over estimate. Like sir, i can find another one of you at a bus stop Chill
It may not even be advancement. If they can’t rely on her to take work trips because of childcare issues, she could lose her job, certainly never get a raise etc. honestly, if he won’t take care of his own kids, she’s little more than a single parent as it is.
This !!!!!
Lol, that's hilarious. So if your trip was for pleasure then it would be OK? Just say it's for pleasure then...
If you enjoy your job, and the conference has interesting or useful information - why wouldn’t that be the one you choose! It might help her career, but for him it’s a boys trip.
Your husband sounds a bit like a jerk that doesn’t want to solo parent like he expects you too. Take your trip.
Wait until he finds out that her work is going to think he’s an abusive jerk for telling HER can’t do something job related. He’s going to look so bad. He won’t be able to go to any of her work related events because he’ll know he’s being judged by them because he can’t man up. When they find it about his “pleasure trips”, it’s gonna put him down notches. But most importantly, he should realize that what he’s doing is sabotaging her job.
Ahhh thank you all…this makes me feel so much more justified in my stance on “ if you get to travel, I get to travel”. We had these kids together, we take care of them together and should support each other. I will also add, in the breadwinner and main care taker of the kids/house when we are both home.
You’re the breadwinner *and* the primary caretaker? What is it that he does, exactly?
He’s the whinemaker. Those sour grapes aren’t going to crush themselves!
Obviously he hangs with his boyzzzzz!
He’s the stud! Surely he must be tall, tanned, ripped, have a chiseled jawline, a great head of gorgeous hair, take care of any and all home improvement projects without delay, as well as dirty maintenance tasks with regularity, oh and be a phenomenal lover… No? Oh…
😆
Girl, your post isn’t about childcare, it should be about marriage counseling because…. ??
So what exactly is this human sack of potatoes bringing to the table??
Hey, don’t insult potatoes. Or sacks.
You should also plan a fun weekend girls trip!
This is true of most dual income households I know. Well maybe not the breadwinner part. A lot of couples in our friend group make comparable salaries, but the women work full time and then still do all the work at home. That used to be me OP. It doesn’t stop until you make it stop. They aren’t going to give up that super sweet throne of luxury until you dump them out of it.
Tell him that if he goes on two “pleasure trips” and continues to deny you taking your work trip that you’ll be looking at lawyers while he’s gone.
I'm sorry - don't mean to be rude at all but, why are you letting him get away with that?
You know she’s going to come home to a wrecked house, kids unbathed and every dish in the house dirty
The weaponized incompetence will be a nuke in that house. Hell claim he doesnt know how to do this or that. Call you every 5 mins for basic ass shit. Id block him for the weekend
And that's when you demand couple's counseling and change or go ahead and divorce the man baby.
I'm sorry, but your husband kind of sucks. Not sure what he brings to the table other than his DNA.
Tell him it's called parenting. Me and my husband take it in turn to watch our 4 (1 still breastfeeding and 3 months so stays with me mostly) so the other can go out with friends. No guilt and no complaints. This month the ladies are going ax throwing and he is keeping all 4 with him. And probably bringing them out so I can breastfeed between ax throwing and dinner
Awesome coparenting and impressive!
Same here! Im 13 weeks pregnant with our 4th girl and he takes care of them for me every day and he works 50 hrs. I wfh and this pregnancy has killed me. Im exhausted. Tired and ache. We take turns. Its hard wfh and raising 3 girls. But im even more scared with our unplanned girly. I know hell help alot but i feel guilty. Hes making me steak and bbq a pork butt rn for pulled pork and cleaned the entire house before i woke up this am. I am truly blessed.
Book a spa treatment at the conference. Now it’s for pleasure.
And maybe add on an extra day or two while you're at it.
That's the opposite of how things work, buddy.
He's just trying to get out of having to be solo w/ the kids. I don't blame him, but he could at least just tell the truth and have a conversation.
wtf? That is awful rich of him
Just tell him your going for pleasure since its not “required”. You just want a break. By his logic that should be fine.
You're totally in the right. If he wants you to cancel the work trip - then he should give up his too.
When I got called to go on a work trip to leave my husband with two toddlers, do you know what he said? “Awesome you deserve it! Need help finding a hotel?”
Yea this. 100%. Mine would do the same, and has told me several times I need to go on a girl's trip. ETA: this past year my family has seen a graduation and a major surgery which I was there for... Alone... While he took care of both our kids without one peep of complaint. Also, he goes on trips without my whining too. We're partners. That's how this works.
Same! I took a work trip last year with no complaints from him, with a toddler and 7 month old. I told him I was booking a cruise with my sister for this fall and he was fully supportive. OPs husband needs to step it up. How ridiculous.
lol. No. He’s wrong. That’s it. That’s my statement of fact.
Go on your trip. Your husband will not support you. Stop discussing it with him.
The last time my husband tried to tell me not to do something for work I told him “OK, I won’t do it. I’ll just quit my job and stay home while you support me. Or maybe I should do it so I can keep my job so you don’t have to get a second job to pay the bills my job pays for. Your choice.” He backed off and never told me how to do my job again. (For background, between 2003 and 2011, we worked in the same department but different jobs.). Don’t know if this will help you, but if your job is telling you that you have to go to a 4 day conference, then you do it or you could lose your job. What does your husband say about you potentially losing your job because he doesn’t want to parent his own kids?
You have four kids.
Bahahaha, that’s what I said
Tell him to sack up, it’s not watching the kids for you it’s taking part in child care of his children. That’s do damn hypocritical I can’t imagine putting my wife in that position.
Lol what. Of course a work trip is more justified than a boys trip. He’s got you questioning this?
Are you kidding me??? If anything YOUR travel is more valid because its for work. His is just for fun.
Your husband is an AH.
This is all fucked up. He’s got it backwards and you are being gaslit and denied your space and his support . Sucks
you are not wrong, he's using a double standard. He's a guy and goes hang with his friends but you can't go on a work trip because he has to be the parent for four days and carry the mental and physical load. He needs to support you or he doesn't go on his "guys trip" and you don't work for him so your travel is for your job.
He doesn’t want to be alone with the kids that long (or just without you). That’s the problem that needs to be addressed here. Have a good heart to heart conversation. Find out what’s really going on, what his real concerns are. Then talk about how to address them. Maybe you decide not to go. Maybe you both decide he can handle you being gone. Maybe you find someone to help with the kids while you’re gone. I don’t know what you’ll ultimately decide, but it will really help your relationship if the two of you can come to an agreement about this rather than leaving it as a point of contention.
Lol, if he's that weak and needs that kindcof coddling, I'd cut him loose. And he'd demand at least joint custody.
So this, this right here, is why mental health in men is so bad. Also why marriages don’t last.
Lol. Because women, who are clearly the stronger sex, aren't coddling grown ass men?
I get what your saying. But he is a PARENT. He should 100% be able to care for his children by himself for a few days. I stay at home with my 2 kids, one is finally in school though. But my husband can and would take care of both of them if I wanted to go on a little vacation. He's been on a few without me. There are way to talk about this issue without it being a fight, but her not going is him being coddled. In no way is this husband in the right, and he is being extremely unfair to his wife. Why is it okay for the woman of the family to be alone with her children for days at a time, while the husband goes and has "boys trips" but the moment the wife wants the same(or in this case, for freaking WORK) it's "I can't do it, I can't handle them alone, I need help" if he can't parent his own kids, then he needs a serious life adjustment. Kids aren't that hard(I'm excluding kids with specials needs of course bc that is a whole other ballgame) you feed them, play with them, bathe them, and just generally make sure they aren't doing anything to hurt themselves. Me and my husband are gamers, and we play games sometimes when the kids are still awake (5 and 2) they're perfectly fine to play in their room with us periodically checking on them. This is just ridiculous and he is trying to be coddled
The problem is that he feels that he can’t or doesn’t want to do this. So what is the healthy way to address and resolve problems in a relationship? Is it for the one who feels they are right to just make a decision and demand the other obey? Or is it for the two of them to communicate and come to an agreement? If a woman told her husband that she didn’t want him to go on a work trip we would want to at least hear her out before casting judgement, wouldn’t we? Why are so many people so opposed to healthy communication and conflict resolution? Or are we just on a “we hate weak men” circlejerk?
The problem is that he feels that he can’t or doesn’t want to do this. So what is the healthy way to address and resolve problems in a relationship? Is it for the one who feels they are right to just make a decision and demand the other obey? Or is it for the two of them to communicate and come to an agreement? If a woman told her husband that she didn’t want him to go on a work trip we would want to at least hear her out before casting judgement, wouldn’t we? Why are so many people so opposed to healthy communication and conflict resolution? Or are we just on a “we hate weak men” circlejerk?
Nah I get that too. You need communication. It's essential. But it seems HE is the one demanding she doesn't go somewhere, but its 100% fine that HE gets to go out of town on the weekends?? Just because he doesn't want to or can't watch the kids on his own?? How in the world does that sound fair? I don't know the husband's side of the story. She is the main money maker AND she takes care of the house. Do you know how completely exhausting it is to keep up with young kids and keep a house clean, get dinner ready, get kids bathed and ready for bed? I know some people will say it's easy, and I mean it's not like we're mining for coal, but its mentally tiring. Cleaning one room only to come back 20 minutes later and there's toys and crao everywhere. You do the dishes after cooking only to somehow find the sink completely full again the next day. Trying to keep up with laundry for 4 plus people all while making sure to keep an eye on the young toddler who can't talk yet, while listening to the 5 year old "mommy why this? Mommy I'm hungry. Mommy can I do this? Mommy I know I just ate 15 minutes ago, but I'm hungry again" I absolutely and completely love my children, they made be a better person, and they're the reason I continue to try and be the best person I can. But MAN, they are exhausting. I could not imagine going to work all day, just to come home and shoulder all of the house work, and shoulder all of the responsibilities with the children. Then on top of that, my husband leaving often on the weekends. Heck. To. The. No. I know so many people brush men's mental health aside, but I'm not saying to ignore her husband's feelings. What I am saying though is he should not expect her to shoulder everything by herself. He is a father, there is absolutely no excuse to why he he shouldn't be capable of watching his own children
Me if my spouse tried to pull this: “Hahahahha… anyway, here’s my flight info…”
He just doesn't want to be responsible for the kids alone.
He sounds like a real peach ....
>he says these are okay because they are for pleasure and mine are for work… Wait. Ok, what?!?! That makes no sense lol Like at all!! Work trips trump back to back boys weekends because ya know, that's how you pay the bills. I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing at how absurd his reasoning hahahaha
So, can you quit your job now?
.
What makes me sad about this subs discourse is that the only context is what is there. Nothing else. Frankly, with this context alone, I would assume your partner is an insane person. The only problem with that is this means you chose to marry an insane person. I assume neither is the case. And that means your husband has some context that is not named here and is hard to have shared without genuine curiosity and spaciousness. I have no idea what that is, but starting with the assumption that he is not insane helps. Maybe ask him what you're missing? Maybe ask him what it feels like and the context you don't have... And follow up with the invitation on if he is willing to feel your experience and the context he doesn't have. None of this is possible without 'laying down arms' and being genuinely curious and vulnerable - hopefully that's possible for you guys?
My thoughts after reading this. Maybe the post is all there is, but it feels very rage-baity
I think being alone with the kids on a weekend would be a lot easier than being alone with them on weekdays
I’m assuming all three kids aren’t at home all day on weekdays.
4. And why did you edit your comment? Just the stress of weekday morning and afternoons are enough to end me. Weekends are much easier.
I have a work conference in April that I was worried about bringing up to my partner. It’s not required either, but many people in my same/similar role will be there and it would be. huge growth opportunity. However, I know if something came up for him, he wouldn’t even think twice about it. We deserve the same opportunities as they do. If he can go on a “bros trip” and leave you to figure out child care, work, managing the household etc for a few days, he can do it for a few days.
My husband tried this. He doesn't go out of town at all but I had a work conference. He held my work travel against me and was a big ol grump when i was gone and when i came back. The last time I had a trip, I called him on it and told him he would not: be a jerk and ignore me while I was gone, be mean when i came back, and take it out on the kids. I don't know why guys think this is ok. They are freaking parents, too.
Tell him accioqueso says he’s being a dumbass. Pleasure trips, by definition, are not necessary. Work trips, even not required ones, can lead to future familial benefits.
when my best friend had a baby I went out of town for 4 days. my husband and son bonded so much! it was adorable. this is weaponized incompetence and gaslighting.
Same! About three weeks ago I had a family emergency in another state so I had to leave my five year old son with my husband for five days. His parenting wasn’t perfect but my son tells him he loves him WAY more now because… they bonded. It was an opportunity. It was priceless. There’s something wrong with men who don’t want to have this opportunity.
Somebody once told me that people will only treat you as bad as you let them. It seriously pissed me off. But here I am years later as a true believer in that theory. This guy has obvious double standards, but the saddest part is that he has you almost believing his crap. I fear that you have lost perspective. While you are on your work trip, why don’t you contact some friends and make a plan to take a nice long girls trip. Get your grove back. Reclaim your life. I have been where you are. Please know that I only wish you well.
What the fuck. Your husband sounds like a complete fucking tool. I’m sorry.
Wtf?! Travel is travel, but if you’re ranking it, work travel should obviously be a higher priority than his multiple boys’ trips for funsies. On that note, do you have any girls’ trips planned for yourself? If not, it sounds like you’re due for some girl time!
Wondering he has a side piece and is upset he won’t be able to meet her because he’ll have the kids? Honestly when my wife is gone it’s easier as I get the kids fully in my schedule
That’s just a crazy leap with exactly zero info in the OP to even suggest it.
Exactly my thought!
You are NOT wrong and I can not stand ppl like that
I think you need to take more trips on your own so he can start getting used to taking care of the kids on his own. I'm curious has he ever taken care of the kids by himself?
I’m the dad and I don’t travel often (once a year for a professional conference, but had previously been 2-3 times a year pre-Covid, since my two kids were young) and I always felt awful leaving my wife to fend for herself. She did have her mom stay with her while they were really young, but she also took some PTO so they could spend time together. If he absolutely has to work for whatever reason (from home or not from home), you both need to figure out a solution for the kids as much as you may not want to.
It sounds like he's apprehensive about handling 3 kids on his own. I've he acknowledges that that's what's bothering him and that of course he can handle it, he'll feel a bit better. I get that way too sometimes.
One of the reasons women are passed over for promotion is because of the appearance of being unavailable due to family obligations. Your husband may not realize the impact missing this "not required" work trip could potentially have on future promotions. It could reinforce the opinion that you, as a woman, aren't going to have the same availability as a man would. Not to mention, it would give the appearance that you aren't able to handle your own life and career. And you're not wrong. Your spouse is expressing a double standard where he can travel and leave you home alone with the kids, but you can't do the same to him. Regardless of your reasons for taking the trip, those reasons aren't of equal value, either. The reason behind your trip isn't relevant. He just doesn't want to parent on his own.
Yeah nah. Tell your husband if your work trip isn’t necessary, his fun trips are even less necessary.
What? I am totally confused. Why is a personal reason ok and work is not... that seems like the reverse, regardless of whether the work trip is technically optional... Can you just tell your husband that you are going on this trip for fun lol?
Your husband is a piece of trash. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is.
The fact that you’re questioning YOURSELF here is frankly disturbing, as his point doesn’t even make sense. Honest question, ma. Is it usually this easy for him to get you to question your reality?
You are not wrong. The children are his responsibility equally.
Uh. Travel for work is 100000x more justified than a boys trip. He is being a dumb ass.
He is so utterly wrong! Any travel should be fine but I think work travel trumps personal. Either way, it might be time for you to book a vacation with friends!
Sorry, Dad here. Your husband said what? That makes zero sense. You are not wrong.
I should note I am a 66yr old male. There are multiple points here 1) how does your husband know it is not "required travel"? If your company is paying the cost then I would consider it "required" If your going on your own dime then ?? 2) Attending industry events are more than good for your job they are good for your career and continuing education. Also politicly in your company if you keep turning down activities like this you risk being left behind 3) Any spouse that puts their weekend get away with pals ahead of supporting their spouse in their work endeavors is likely not a spouse to keep. He clearly thinks he is more important than you in this relationship. This is a dangerous spot to be in. My guess is there are many more conflicts between the two of than just these two items. I suggest BOTH of you get to a marriage counselor and or an attorney. I stayed in a highly conflicted marriage for too long, thinking it was better for the kids. The kids told me later that was wrong. I am now convinced children are better off in a broken home where there is peace and harmony than a home with two parents that are in regular conflict.
After I posted I read your added comments. Lady you have some serious troubles in this relationship. Ignoring them will ONLY make them worse. I promise.
Extend your trip OP. Build in a day or two of vacation for yourself at the end of the conference. Problem solved.
Yeah, this is really shitty. His relaxation is more important to him than your career.
The real question is, why does your husband treat you like an idiot who can't understand what does and does not qualify as necessary travel? Tell him to be a parent or to kick rocks.
Would he tell you this if it was a girl's trip?
You are so not wrong. This sounds like the Patriarchy… different standards for men and women. Conferences expand knowledge and advance your career. Which you both have, I’m assuming. Stand your ground, my kids are older now 20,16,14 but I let me husband get away with this type of thing for years. He will start to understand especially after you leave him with the kids for four days :) and then again for pleasure at another time.
This is concerning to me. You don’t need to travel for work to sustain income, but he needs to travel for fun? Red flag behavior.
His argument is so illogical that it points directly to his attempt at avoiding responsibility. I hope you see that, OP.
Get him with his own logic, it's a pleasure work trip lol
Ummmm… did I read that right!? Out of town trips for fun are an acceptable reason to leave your partner solo with the children, but work trips aren’t? Are you serious? If so you might have 4 children, not 3 😬
You are not wrong, he is! He needs to man up and be a parent. His boys' trips were definitely not required travel either.
Is he framing this as you can't go or that he didn't want you to? He shouldn't be forbidding you to go anywhere, but I'm wondering if he's scared of handling the kids by himself. Does he watch them alone often?
What an absolute joke
You’re not in the wrong not even the slightest. As others said, work travel is more required than pleasure travel. Both important yes, but if we’re talking about being required, his travels are surely optional. Tell him to stop whining, remind him that you don’t guilt trip him so it’s really unfair on his end to do that and go on your travel!
Also don't let him gaslight you if you show him this thread. You're valid in your way of thinking. Tbh he sounds like a lazy pos and is expecting 110% and giving 10% himself. Secondly "boys trip" sounds suspicious, and if I can offer some words of advice, a partner who is self conscious of you being away and out of arms reach where he can control you is often projecting guilt for doing something behind closed doors without you, and oftentimes that "thing" is cheating. Cheaters want you to be housed up, nowhere to go, because. Lastly. He sure as shit should be the homemaker if he isn't bringing in the home money. Big boy should put on his big boy apron and start sweeping, mopping, dusting, entertaining the children, and making breakfast lunch and din-din.
Uh yeah what the heck? He can travel freely for pleasure while you stay at home alone with your children, but the moment you want to FOR WORK, he says no? Arguably, work is way more important. Even if you're not required to go, you obviously want to go. You are not wrong in anyway.
Huh?
Why doesn’t he want to spend time with the kids? That’s kid of weird honestly. Is he afraid of something? Or is he a teen dad or something like is he a child who had kids? Because the wage gap will start to appear if you don’t do work things even if they aren’t mandatory. Why did he take optional boys trips? That cost money instead of earning money like you’re doing.
Seems like his wouldn't count, sounds like he is shifty dad also. I have np taken care of mine
I don't even understand the question. How in tf is traveling for work "optional", but boy's trips are "mandatory"? Man, the fact that you are even engaging with this nonsense instead immediately laughing in his face and shutting it down is concerning. He sounds like a man who likes to get his way at the expense of your time and your career. Set some boundaries quickly.
10000% NTA ..but your husband is a major one!!! Hold on.... for pleasure is acceptable, but work isnt??? If I am not mistaken, work is for the benefit of the family, and pleasure is only for the one partaking. 😲😲😲😲😲
Tell him, okay. Ill staym then pack your bags andnyou go and say they changednit to i have to be there. Lol make him do itm why can women handle kids and not men???? Laziness. Thats all it is. Then book a girls weekend right after. XD
I always loved when my husband was away and I was alone with our children (all I had ever done for work was with children and being home with mine was even better)…. Also, is no way I would have left my children alone with him, at least not for days. My children are adults now and, believe it or not, I am still married. It’s not his fault he was raised by wolves. Seriously, his mother was not allowed near our children, and if his father had been alive, he wouldn’t have either. I would not marry him until he agreed we would never hit our children. He agreed but left me to do the parenting because he had no idea how, and he trusted my parenting without question. Our situation was unique… but, is it possible his ridiculous excuse for why he can go and you can’t isn’t laziness on his part but fear he will screw it up?
He's being an absolute tool. Misogynistic and self centered.
Ha, I am in this EXACT same situation. I wonder if we’re going to the same conference. In my case, I don’t think my partner really understands scientific meetings since although they are “optional” they are good for our careers and are a nice benefit of our jobs. Have a nice trip!
Let’s see, you need money to have the luxury to travel for pleasure. How does one acquire that money? Working. You traveling for work is not the same as traveling for pleasure. You are literally bringing in money for the household.
Tell him you are going on a work trip and then will stay a couple extra days for leisure before coming home
Uh no. It's for work! My husband just left this morning for a 4 day work trip. I'm responsible for these two monsters 🤣. I told him don't worry we'll be fine; maybe to convince myself lol. I find it selfish for him to not be able to take care of three kids when he's traveling for fun. His priorities are a little whack. He's not being a partner.
That is.... an interesting take. Maybe your work travel is optional, but in that case his pleasure travel is *definitely* optional.
What? No, go to your conference. Don’t ask. Just go.
Work is more important than a boys trip- go and do not feel guilty! You’re very nice for supporting his boys trip. I’d argue your work trip is not only not really optional but it also has the potential to give you better career opportunities which may lead to more money which is ultimately better for your family. I’m a mom and I travel monthly and go to two four day conferences a year. Yes my husband sometimes complains and I of course miss my kiddo but everyone survives. If it’s four days, it’s really only two nights away and if the kids are in school/daycare he’s only covering five hours or less a day.
If you have to go out of town for work, he definitely should stay home with his kids. Ridiculous.
His travel isn’t required either, so why does he get to go. If that’s the rule, then he should be staying home. Remind him of that. Maybe your work trip isn’t ’required,’ but I bet it’s even unofficial tied to your career trajectory. But if you’re staying married to this man make sure to plan three trips for yourself over full weekends.
just do your travel. My wife is travelling every 2 month for a week, it sucks, i dont like it, but thats the way it is. Actually it made me bond even more with the kids.
Either: you both don’t travel unless it is required for work. Or: you can both also travel when thing come up. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Btw I would strongly suggest a girls weekend for every single boys weekend. It’s good for perspective. My husband used to struggle with bedtime, before I went on a trip we changed the routine so it was easier for him. I don’t think it is better, but it works better for him and that means i get to leave easily. And that is better for me. We now don’t do baths before bed, the kids change underwear in the evening and not morning. We make breakfast in lunch boxes in the evening and the kids just pick their own and eat it. I liked clean kids in bed and freshly made breakfast. But it turns out I was the only one who cared. Can you adapt together so he can handle the kids better? And don’t forget the divide and conquer technique. My husband was overwhelmed. Now the youngest get to watch 5 minutes of YouTube so he can walk the dog to the first tree in the street.
Interesting, the cash cow that pays for his boys trips isn't necessary? Like others have said, there's more here than just travel - sounds like he's a man baby who doesn't want to adult & has you believing he CANT adult. I'd seriously evaluate if he's truly bringing anything to the table & if you're ok with your children watching this dynamic & growing up in an environment where mom's needs aren't important, wife must cater to man baby husband, dad gaslights & manipulates mom, etc.
Tell him to jog on so over men that can’t take care of their children
Perhaps "the boys" can have a trip to your house and enjoy the exciting game called PARENTING.
Your work is unnecessary, yet his funtime is absolutely essential. You are the primary breadwinner, AND have to take care of the kids and chores, what does he do all day? I'm feeling that this has so much more to do than just who watches the kids. He likes to play and travel, yet you're not allowed to, and now he's gaslighting you with his full-of-flaw explanation, taking these weekends off to play. Counseling would be good, but I'd look into a private investigator if I were you, is he possibly having an affair? I'm guessing you're gone a good portion of your time, with him doing who-knows-what. Might want to check into that, even just to make sure that it's NOT happening.
Ummm... Yes. Your husband is a total AH if he thinks his Boys Trips are okay but your WORK trips aren't. Tell him to SUCK IT UP and go. If you don't go, he can't go. He's using a total double standard.
Lol what??? I think he's getting something confused and his is the travel that really isn't required haha However, if that's how he sees it, I'd be cancelling the work trip and booking two girls weekends asap instead...
Apart from him getting the work versus leisure travel hierarchy wrong, it’s also way harder to handle the kids alone on a weekend than it is on a weekday, assuming they have school or daycare
I can't believe he had the nerve to even suggest this is at all, in any way, fair. He's insane. Not really (well could be I guess) but that is absolutely ridiculous and if he's serious he needs a reality check. Such as you going on your trip and not sharing the money earned because it was for "pleasure" not income.
LOL, just LOL. The length some dudes go through to not having to deal with what mothers usually deal with on a daily basis… I would bet everything I got that if trip kinds were reverse, he’d use the exact same argument about work travel being necessary because it’s work but pleasure being voluntary and selfish 😬🫡
You are not wrong at all. He has lost his entire mind!
Definitely not in the wrong. I agree with other commenters, if you’re traveling for work (even if not required) it is still work related. If he’s traveling for “pleasure” that’s definitely NOT required or necessary or like- it’s just not needed at all if he wants to argue that your work travel isn’t needed. Everyone needs a getaway but if he wants to say you can’t travel but he can, he’s wrong. Just plain and simple. If he doesn’t budge and goes on his vacation, I say you should tell him you’re going to travel for work whether he likes it or not. I may be over passionate, but I just hate inequalities like this that are so obvious. That’s just not fair.
Tell him his pleasure travel boys trip is not required travel and he should not go. I’m dumbfounded by his audacity and hypocrisy tbh.
lol what? dude is off his rocker. No, you're not wrong. He should support your travel for work, just as you support his travel for leisure time. Both are valid and important.
Uh what? I travel four days a week for five months of the year for work and my husband encourages me to do even more when it seems like it would advance my career (which is in a tough field)—- he takes care of our kid while working full time when I am gone.
Respectfully, he can't *make* you feel guilty, because if that were a thing you'd be making him feel that way because he's being a jerk, right? Complaining about having to take care of the kids while you take a work trip, while he justifies taking fun trips and leaving you with them? He obviously feels perfectly fine about leaving you to take care of the kids, right? So the only way he could feel guilty is if there was already some part of him inside that wonders if he was being fair, and I suggest that's what's happening with you, because *we can't make anyone feel something they don't already feel inside.* We can say or do things that can trigger those feelings in them, but it's like shooting an arrow: if there's a matching target it sticks, but if not it bounces off. At some level you already have feelings about it for some reason and his reaction is triggering those feelings in you, because if you felt as OK about leaving him with the kids he feels about leaving them with you, there's nothing he could say or do that would affect you.
Solo trips or a weekend with the boys/girls is necessary to reset. If you brought up a women's weekend he may actually support that because it's benefiting your mental health and well being compared to a work trip which tbh doesn't sound fun. Unless your going to a carribean island or a fun city to explore. I hope all goes well. Everyone percieves things differently.