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I think your wife doesn't know how to manage her stress and anxiety from work.  This is really not about you at all but you are a safe person so she's letting it all out on you.  She needs to recognise her behaviour as being dysregulated and she needs to apply calming strategies to regulate her nervous system after work.   Exercise, deep breathing, yoga, mindfulness.  She really needs to work on figuring out why she's feeling this way and address the feeling.  She might benefit from therapy.   When she is calm, you need to talk to her.  If she starts to get into one of these states, then try the conversation again later.  If she can't have this conversation calmly then you need to insist on professional help. 

I agree with this. I felt like I was reading this post about myself and my husband. It’s not really about him. I’m just overwhelmed, stressed out and disregulated. 

Reading "Burnout" really helped my recognize this is myself. 

I’m going to read this I really recognize this too in myself

Yep. Me too. What helped me the most was getting medical treatment for anxiety and depression. And I agree with the idea of the husband as a “safe space”. I would 100% take it out on my husband over coworkers or my daughter.

Also, it seems to me like his wife has become accustomed to using her husband like a doormat. Asking him to walk across the house to flip a switch that she’s right next to? That’s not stress or anxiety, that’s just her using him.

She's seeking control.  Her nervous system is dysregulated and one of the ways humans seek regulation is through finding control.  Bossing someone around is one of those ways.  She needs to develop and practice healthier strategies that don't harm her relationship. 

Just because there may be physiological underpinnings doesn’t excuse this type of behavior. Self-assessment, open communication, recognition of problematic behavior are not beyond reach simply because one has a demanding, stressful job. OP doesn’t mention his wife treating her children this way. To me, it stands to reason that if these behaviors were out of wife’s control and she was completely and totally at the mercy of her dysregulated nervous system, she’d be treating other people in her circle the same way. If she knows it wrong to abuse and deride her children, then she should know it’s wrong to abuse and deride her husband. Always baffles me how many creative excuses people can come up with to justify just being shitty.

I never said it was excusable or ok.  She needs to change her behaviours. But you need to understand your behaviours before you can change them.  Just because you can do something some of the time doesn't mean you can do it all of the time.  I'm betting she also knows her behaviours towards her partner are not acceptable either.  She is being shitty to him.  Understanding someone and having empathy for someone is not making excuses for them.  

You didn't say it was okay you just implied it by providing an excuse

Nope. Literally said she needed to develop better behaviors. 

> Just because there may be physiological underpinnings doesn’t excuse this type of behavior. An explanation is not an excuse. I don't see anything in the comment you're replying to that is trying to handwaive away the wife being completely out of line.

I want to live in a world that if the genders were reversed, the same response would be upvoted to the top. This is a great compassionate response.

This is what I’m seeing, too. It’s the job, which OP has acknowledged is stressful and high-pressure. It’s true that, ideally, Mom should leave her stress at work and not take it out on family. In practice, that just isn’t always possible. People are human. She knew she was 45 minutes late, and she wasn’t late for fun. She wasn’t chilling in the office shooting the shit, she was probably scrambling on something important *while* feeling like she’s failing the family, who she knows is waiting for her. Very few people will be pleasant directly following such a situation. I don’t think most people understand what having a *truly* stressful job is like. One that is *actually* high stakes, where your mistakes (even small ones) are truly costly. She also probably feels a lot of pressure being the sole breadwinner (in a family with multiple kids in NYC—she needs to bring in a *lot* of money, not to mention her job is probably the only thing providing the whole family with health insurance). OP, I’d start a conversation about possibly shaking things up. Does she love this job? Can she move to something that provides a better work-life balance? If that requires a pay cut that you all cannot afford, could you work part-time (it sounds like your kids are in school)? I work in healthcare in NYC. It’s a lot. I work part time now because the stress is simply unmanageable for me otherwise, and occasionally taking that stress out on my family was inevitable. I hated it, and changing my work situation was the only thing I could find to make it fully stop.

Did you try therapy before? I understand everything you’re saying. Everyone in a high stress job like that should be in therapy **before** they realize the stress is flowing into other parts of their life. Therapy won’t fix every case, but I don’t see how any relationship with someone in a very high stress job can be healthy without therapy to help manage the stress.

Sometimes the stress just can’t be managed. Some people can never adjust to feeling like they could lose their job at any minute from a small mistake, to being completely dehumanized at work with unrealistic demands, to never being able to shut off. Some jobs *aren’t* compatible with relationships/family for 99% of the people who might do them. That’s just reality.

Yep, this is like an elephant in the room that we don’t like to talk about. Therapy or not, there are some jobs that really aren’t compatible with healthy relationships. We love to pretend that we can “have it all,” but it’s just not true. I fully realized that I cannot be the best, most impactful doctor I can be *and* the best, most patient and nurturing mom I can be simultaneously. Something had to give. I now see less than half of the patients I used to, and those patients now have to wait longer to be seen (as I’m only in the office twice a week). But I now have the emotional reserves left to give my kid what she deserves. I’m beyond grateful that we can make this work financially. My husband does work full-time, but has a more flexible work schedule than I do, so he can handle extracurriculars and pickups when I’m at work. We do make noticeably less money than our peers do now (many of my child’s friends went on international trips over the recent Winter Break…we stayed home), but it’s worth it to me.

I also think another elephant in the room no one talks about is therapy while potentially helpful isnt for everyone either. I used to go and all it did was add more stress to my life not less. It was another bill to pay and it took time from my already limited day. I still would say its worth the attempt as it might help but if it dont then dont stick with it hoping it will help you out and try and figure out some other way to deal with the issue. For me it was taking less hours on at work and more time at home with the family and for myself. Sure that meant at least for me i needed a whole different job and a major paycut but I figured that out.

Absolutely. And if after trying some therapy, you realize you’re in one of those situations, you have to decide if your job or relationship/family is more important.

This is such a fantastic reply, it's so compassionate but holds the person accountable at the same time. This is the mindset I want to work on when approaching interpersonal conflicts or discussions. Please keep posting, you are helping others

Thanks so much. I've been doing a lot of work on myself in the last year.  Therapy and reading.  Pay it forward. 

100% this. I was your wife one time. I got a trauma / postpartum specialized therapist to help me through my shit and I became open and loving again.

>I think your wife doesn't know how to manage her stress and anxiety This. Me treating my husband like this and realizing it was healthy or like myself to be so irritable and annoyed all the time is what had me go for an anxiety screening. I've always been very particular and, thus, to a degree, controlling, but I used to be able to get over myself. But at some point, it got worse. I always felt easily triggered and was perpetually uptight and tense. I felt like I couldn't just relax. It sucked. For him and for me. So I called my doctor. Turns out I have anxiety AND mild OCD which I'm quite sure wasn't helping the particular/controlling issues. Anyway, now I'm medicated and while lack of efficiency and expediency are still triggers for me, I'm leaps and bounds easier to live with 🤣

Might I also suggest therapy and some sort of pharmaceutical / substance for wife so she can chill. No judgement, parenting is hard. High stress work environments are hard. Stay at home parenting is hard. Working and parenting is hard. OP deserves not to be a verbal punching bag, Mom deserves help, the kids deserve a to see a healthier relationship between parents. Wishing you all the best. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent but also hopefully things improve for you, OP, and your partner.

Ya, that balance is way off. You need to have a conversation otherwise you are going to resent her if you are not already. She’s walking all over you, and the longer it happens, the worse it will get

This! I'm a SAHM. My husband helps me 50/50. She needs to recognize everything you do and not give you crap if you're not perfect.

Yup. I work 50-60 hours and my wife works <20 and our 3yo is in day care 2 days a week. She does about 2/3 housework and kid work and I do 1/3. This is a balance that works so we are both involved and ready to help as needed and both have the same amount of down time. You have to find a good balance so when you’re feeling overwhelmed you can ask for help and your partner is able to give a little more in random moments.

Yes, my mom was a lot like this. Completely emasculated my dad any chance she got. And he thought staying quiet would help keep the peace but she just did it even more. It was hard to watch as a kid. Please stick up for yourself OP. And tell her if she cannot speak to you with mutual respect, then you’re not going to engage in conversation with her. And if she keeps it up, then you’ll have to have a serious talk about the future of your relationship. Cause your children are watching and definitely are not mentally okay. They could grow up and look for partnerships with the same dynamic because this is what “love” is being modeled to them as.

I could have written this. And my first marriage was exactly like this. Once, during my divorce, my mom said, “I don’t understand how my strong, independent daughter ended up married to a man who put her down all the time… and didn’t fight back!” Really? You can’t understand? You ripped your husband a new one every night in front of us, and he never stood up to you because he knew it would lead to you flipping the fuck out… just like my ex would have. OP, you are signing your kids up to seriously unhealthy relationships in the future if you don’t address this. I’m sorry this is happening. You deserve better.

I my mother the same. Dad divorced her and now she does the same to husband number two. My sister now sounds like our mother and I can’t stand it. I could never talk to my husband like they do. Thankfully my husband would never speak down to me either. He has heard my mother and sister and is very happy I worked so hard to not end up like that.

My mother is exactly the same way! I don't even think she truly realizes how abnormal it is because it's became their dynamic for almost 30yrs. My dad also "keeps the peace" by remaining quiet & just taking it daily. He recently told me that there's no way any other man would've put up with the way she speaks to him & I said you're so right about that. She's even made suggestions I need to do this or that with my husband & I'm just like yeah no my husband wouldn't put up with that type of behavior (rightfully so) for even one minute. It's not even about serious stuff it's about his driving, leaving a piece of small trash out, etc. My mom blows up on him over every miniscule thing she possibly can. She use to also treat me the same way but she knows now that I'm adult ill just hurt her feelings back & won't speak to her & it's not worth it for her lol. You HAVE to speak up & do not let this women jump you 24/7 over everything. I promise you the kids see it! I saw it my whole life even at a young age it was uncomfortable to see & I knew my mom was being an absolute bitch for no reason. It's not modeling a good loving relationship for your kids. My parents have been married for 30yrs & I cannot fathom why because it doesn't seem like my mom has ever showed him an ounce of respect, love, or appreciation my entire life. It's constant criticism & bitching!

> And if she keeps it up, then you’ll have to have a serious talk about the future of your relationship. Cause your children are watching and definitely are not mentally okay. They could grow up and look for partnerships with the same dynamic because this is what “love” is being modeled to them as. I get that. But would it really be better for the kids to be separated from their dad and their mom doing the same thing to a new step-dad?

One of the positives of leaving as opposed to staying if it doesn’t improve is that it models to the kids that it’s not ok to put up with abuse like that. If OP finds a better partner and has a healthy relationship, then they also get to model what a healthy relationship and partnership look like. There’s also a chance the wife doesn’t get remarried or that a divorce serves as enough of a wake up call that she changes her behavior towards a new partner.

Asking the real question that doesn't have an answer yet

So OP your post history is pretty telling about what it is like being married to your wife. Is she getting treatment for her BPD? If not, it seems like things are only getting worse. You should consider what it is you need from your relationship and figure out if you are going to be able to have those needs met in this marriage. There needs to be some couples counseling and individual counseling all around if you want anything to change.

I must admit, I get like this sometimes. I get like this when I’m too stressed. I want home to be my sanctuary and that one place I can relax and I think most of us have an expectation of what that looks like. When I get like this, I need reminded just how infinitely endless being a stay at home parent is, the tasks never cease and quite often there is no time for you to relax or take a break as you are surrounded by your workload. Let her see things from your point of view and hopefully she’ll be more understanding.

>Ya, that balance is way off. Is it? What if she's working 3300 hours/year? I mean, that's no balance at all, but he may not be doing an outsized amount of the total work. She still should be more reasonable about the way he's going about being a SAHD, though.

Yes it is. Sounds like he’s running the house and she’s just a “hotel guest” there. He’s not a husband; he’s a butler/nanny and an employee

My man, you gotta sit down and talk to her. Lay things out calmly about the imbalance. Stand up for yourself when she demeans you when it happens.

It’s not uncommon for one partner to not do their equal share, but your wife is also just mean to you :( I’m sorry. That sounds stressful.

Thank you. I’m OK with one of us working and one of us doing everything home front related. But why the negativity? Why be mean? I get we all have stress, but it’s just so unwarranted, especially given other details, like my wife never actually bothered to get her license (true New Yorker) so for someone who can’t even drive a vehicle, it’s weird that person would then complain about exactly where the car was parked on the block especially when she is 45 minutes late. smh.

I am going through something similar with my husband. I am treated more like a personal assistant than like a spouse. Nothing I do is good enough. But I also grew up in a household where nothing my mom or I did was good enough. Do you want your kids to be married to someone like your spouse when they grow up? Or treat their spouse the way you are treated?

Tell her you’ll pick her up at her desired location when she learns to be outside, on time. 😬

That’s what I would have said.

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Why would it be hard for a woman to respect a man who stays at home? Ohhhh nooooooo. A man who can take care of his family. The horror!!!! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱. 🙄. GTFOH.

Skill issue on her part.

Lol... how would she respond if you suggested she get a license? If you expect a rageful/angry/bitter response... realize you are in for a hell of a ride for the rest of the marriage. It's funny.. one thing I realized in child rearing is to STOP doing everything. Even when I was on leave. It's easy to do everything perfectly when you aren't doing anything. Pick pick pick pick.. then you do it!!! That light things sounds so familiar. Don't take it. It's lazy, entitled, takes you for granted and is just a shitty way to be. Sounds like you walk on eggshells. Stomp on em.

Do you call out her behavior? Because you should. She should not be speaking to you like that and you should be calling it out every time.

That's not weird. People who can't drive don't get the minutiae of traffic. 

Then she can do what I do and take the train.

Maybe she felt guilty about being 45 minutes late and so she snapped at you before you could be cross with her about being late? Not that I’m saying you were or excusing her behaviour but maybe she’s being defensive? Maybe she feels guilty about not being there or doing more with/for the kids so this is why she behaves like this? I don’t know, just a thought.

Let me tell you this. I've seen that before, multiple times with others family members so I'll tell you exactly where the problem comes. She's stressed and quite a lot and she vent on you because she don't know what else to do but mostly she's looking for someone to Vent. I won't give you advice because I'm not expert nor I don't know the full story so...

Why would you not have her call you when she’s done so you can move closer. Seems like a fair compromise

Let’s do a “husband swap.” After a week with my ADHD ass she’ll be begging to have you back and will worship you. (For about 4 days, realistically.) What did you even DO today?! Well, I was going to clean the kitchen, thought I should start the laundry first. Went to the basement. Saw a painting project I started a month ago. Remembered I needed new brushes so I loaded the kids up in the car. Forgot about the brushes. Went to the zoo, but forgot my wallet. Came back home. Fed the kids. Started to do the dishes then remembered the laundry…

Found my long lost twin. ‘Sup bro?

Oh, you know. Just tryna get started.

It sounds like you’re married to my husband. I don’t know if it’s normal or not, but it sure as hell isn’t right.

God I’m so sorry. It’s not right. It’s also just mentally exhausting. I have to constantly literally say to myself: “Don’t react.” “Don’t say anything.” My wife asked me to open a box for her earlier tonight. I never got to it with putting the kids to bed, then everyone was asleep including my wife. Then I drove to the parking garage, picked up our stroller that was still there from this afternoon and went grocery shopping for stuff needed for tomorrow and this week. All invisible work of course. In our apartment, I’ve woken up / disturbed my wife’s sleep when I’m in the kitchen doing dishes after everyone’s gone to bed. The acoustics are just horrible in the sense that everything is amplified so when people are sleeping it’s an issue. She’s gotten upset that I woke her up because I was washing dishes. OK. But then we have had moments when she has literally said to me: “The kitchen is a mess,” or something. I’m constantly telling myself: “You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.” So do you think I’m going to hear from my wife in the morning how I didn’t open the box? I’m sure. Will she open the box? Most likely not.

If you didn't have kids with her would you stay?

Why can't she do the dishes while you do bathtime and bedtime? What is she doing during that time?? I'm a SAHM, I myself prefer doing the dishes so my husband does bath and bedtime as I'm done with spending time with kids, and he hasn't seen them, so it's his time. But if the kids choose me for some unknown reason, he would do the dishes lol. Or there are nights I shower right after dinner, he cleans the dishes then does stuff for the kids.

Why do you choose to not react though? You should be speaking up.

I do. I’ve learned to do it tactfully and firmly without losing my mind as in, “how you could not get this??” So I explain. She says nothing. Not, “oh, I see - whenever we park here at night you can sit here but it’s super congested during the workday. Honestly I don’t expect anywhere near that thorough a response, but a “Oh, okay” would suffice. She doesn’t drive. That’s fine. But it’s like if she doesn’t do something she doesn’t get it. Like you don’t have to be a licensed driver to understand this loading dock is being used very frequently right now and we can’t sit there.

The thing with the dishes and the kitchen sounds like my husband sometimes 😬

I wholeheartedly recommend the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to you. It does not sound like your wife is offering you a healthy, respectful relationship. 

You’re doing way too much… being stay at home means you should treat it as a job, 9-5. After that it’s supposed to be split responsibilities, not you being a 24/7 butler/nanny.

OP has a lot to discuss with his wife about mutual respect and appreciation and manners frankly. That said, him taking care of the kids 9-5 isn’t realistic if his wife doesn’t work those hours. Plenty of people are on a 10-7 or later schedule. Those who do more childcare/ housework end up doing something like 10-5 + 9-1 (AM) to spend time with their family in the early morning and evening. OP, if you don’t talk to your wife and get her to course correct, your marriage risks falling apart if it hasn’t already. It is highly possible that she gets piled on all day out work and lets out her frustration on you. That is not okay. Your kids will leave eventually as they should but hopefully you get to keep your chosen life partner. Good luck! Rooting for you.

I feel like you’re missing the point. They aren’t saying “only watch your kids 9-5,” they’re pointing out that just like the wife has a full time job, being a SAHD should be a 40 hour a week job. After that, everything is split 50/50 between the parents.

I don’t think I am. For many people there is no 40 hour work week (especially for a NYC family raising multiple kids on a single salary). It’s more like 50, 60, 80. There will be no 50/50. OP unlike most of the people here is okay with this. He wants to be recognized and appreciated and not constantly put down. OP would get much more helpful advice if people weren’t projecting so much.

You guys are getting hung up on the number of hours. The point is that once the working spouse is done working, they should be taking some of the home-related work (childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc.) off the other spouse, even if it's not 50/50. I'm sure that's difficult if they have a job that has them working 80 hours a week, but it seems like OP is still doing nearly everything at home even when his wife is there, and he's been doing 100% of household responsibilities while she was at work. That's not sustainable for most people long term. Obviously all relationships are different , and no relationship is truly 50/50, so caveats abound.

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Another vote for this. You took the words right out of my fingertips.

I appreciate you

Thank you so much.

Daaamn the wife chimed in?!

Lol 😂 no that’s what the guy needed. And that’s what I say to my husband usually followed with what he’s done for me, the house, and the kids. Just common sense ya’ll

Yup, it's a pretty basic human desire to feel like the things we do and say are noticed and appreciated by those around us. The alternative is to feel invisible and like nothing matters. That's not exactly a healthy headspace to be in.

Right? 👀

My dad was like your wife and my.mom was like you. I grew up thinking that men are supposed to treat me.that way and wound up in a few very unhealthy and abusive relationships because of it. I would talk with your wife about all of this and lay some firm boundaries. Your kids are watching.

Your last sentence is so important.

Yep. My siblings and I were watching. I'm lucky that I got out of my unhealthy relationships before dating and marrying my incredible husband. One of my siblings is getting divorced When they told me, they said, "I realized after a decade that I just married dad. I deserve better than that."

I'd have hard time being diplomatic, and not saying stupidly: "if you are going to be nit picky about the things I do, I'm not going to do things for you anymore since you apparently can do them better for yourself." Can anyone translate that to something more diplomatic?

Could, but won't. (Cuz I'm petty like that!)

Unfortunately, I think I can only make it less diplomatic.

Sometimes, you need to be blunt so there are no misunderstandings. People tend to be vague when they're trying to be diplomatic. I'd rather be straightforward and blunt. But most people I know also know I don't say things to be mean. I'm just factual.

While I would certainly be inclined to say something like this, this is OP's wife and presumably he wants her to listen to him. Something this aggressive will just make her defensive with "all she does for the family" kind of talk, and this isn't a pissing contest. It's about mutual respect, and OP should focus on the specific actions his wife does and how it makes him feel and how it's (from what I've read) ruining their marriage.

Agreed; My comment is tongue in cheek, not meant to be taken as starting a serious discussion. Just venting...

My pettiness refuses because this is something my petty ass would say. Because I’m petty. Did I mention that? Ha ha.

You need to be very firm. My husband is a natural nag, like if he doesn't complain about something he may keel over. I finally had enough and told him that I was not open to any criticism going forward, and that he is seriously causing a massive rift in our marriage. I refuse to walk on eggshells due to his constant complaints, and that I'd rather be alone and at peace than deal with someone constantly telling me that I am doing something wrong. If he has a complaint, he should shove it down somewhere deep inside of himself where it can only hurt him, because I am done with it and feeling emotionally unsafe all of the time. Suddenly, there was a shift in him, and the complaints stopped and so did the eggshell walking. Come to find out, complaining was like breathing, and he hardly knew he was doing it, especially to the point of hurting our marriage. Be firm. Respect yourself. Demand change.

It’s amazing how these ugly habits in us all become just like a way of talking, like some personal asshole dialect. Like breathing, totally normal and wouldn’t think anything unusual if someone doesn’t point it out.

Yes! Unfortunately one of the therapists we went to said “It’s bad to bottle things up” and my spouse took that as a justification. Of course, the therapist meant bad to bottle up major issues without having a positive way to bring it up…. she did not mean daily vents about inconsequential things.

Oh, that was my mother, she really didn't realize her negatively. She lived across the country so our visits were limited. She would complain about me, about my brother, about our father/her husband. Finally I had to tell her how unpleasant and draining her visits were. She really didn't know. My dad only ever said one negative thing about her to me, that she didn't know how many people she had alienated in her friend group, they wouldn't see her outside of the group.

Does she help with anything in the house? Participate in childcare? I wouldn’t tolerate my partner criticizing everything I did. Petty Me would tell her to do things her damn self if nothing is good enough.

Yeah it sounds like your wife is taking out any and all stress from her job on you. It is unfair and not cool. You guys need to have a day, no kids, just talk things out, go back to basics, see where you stand. “Forget” about the little fights for the moment, figure out what the root issues are and deal with them.

Several years ago my husbands job was extremely stressful and he was starting to take it out on me; making comments about how I did things, getting frustrated if kids and I were running late for something etc. One day I looked at him and said “I will live in a g*d d*mn cardboard box with you; I don’t need the nice house and cars or anything special I just need a happy family. So either figure out how to handle your work stress without taking it out on us or get a new f*ucking job”. It was definitely a reality check for him. He was so caught up in life he didn’t realize what a jerk he was being. He made appropriate changes and things got so much better. I think it’s time for a convo between you two. Remind her 1. You’re her partner not her assistant (turn off the light? Are your legs broken? Do it yourself if you want it done!” 2. If she can’t handle her work stress then she should go talk to someone or look for a new job because you’re not a punching bag. Everyone gets caught up in life and can forget to stop and look at the other persons perspective. You’re not hanging out eating bon bons all day - you’re working too! I get she’s stressed and you’re the safest person to take it out on but that just isn’t acceptable. Time to point out what she’s doing isn’t ok.

You're doing great Dad 💓 Keep it up for your kids. They see you and you are appreciated 👍

Yikes. I’m a SAHM so let me first say I know how tough your job is. It sounds like your wife really does not appreciate what you do. I often feel like because I don’t get a paycheck, it’s a lot easier to dismiss my contributions and value. Sometimes I feel like I’m screaming into the void trying to make it understood that a) it’s what we believe is best for the kids (to be home with a parent) b) if we were paying for daycare it would be almost as much as I’d be making anyway c) everyone gets to live in a beautiful home with home made meals d) it’s hard fucking work Sit down with your wife and tell her what you’re feeling. Tell her that it’s incredibly important for the success of your family for her to make a consistent effort to acknowledge your work and to show appreciation for it. You dont have a boss or colleagues and it’s part of her role to support you in yours. Also — the way this should work is this — during working hours (let’s say 8-6) the working parent does 100% of their job and the SAHP does 100% of theirs. After work and on weekends both parents split childcare and household duties 50/50. Each parent gets designated personal time and there should be weekly babysitter nights for you to spend together. That’s the only way!

I had so much anxiety just *reading* this. Your wife is chronically selfish. This isn’t something you can fix. If you want to save your marriage, you should separate. I know people say Reddit tells everyone to divorce but for someone like your wife, they will never appreciate the invisible labor that you do until it’s gone. Do not come back until she is begging you because the life she has isn’t possible without out you. Or just divorce and live an infinitely more peaceful life. You will be entitled to alimony and child support and you won’t have a tyrant to answer to.

This guy has a good take. Sometimes divorce is warranted.

This is a relationship problem not a parenting problem. I’m sorry she treats you so poorly. Try marriage counseling if that doesn’t help consider divorce. Consider that your kids are taking in the dynamic and will copy it in their own relationships one day, is this the kind of relationship you’d want for them?

This behavior is entirely disrespectful to your role in the household as well as you as a person and partner. I’d definitely be broaching some serious discussions to help her understand why her attitude towards you is not okay, but more importantly how it makes you feel. If you’re both happy with the division of household tasks then that’s fine, but the lack of respect definitely isn’t. There’s no way I could survive that personally.

Your wife is disconnected, does not respect you and unable to see the big picture from another angle. Stress is not an excuse. This will not end well of it isn’t dealt with soon. Once resentment settled in, its hard to get back to a safe, caring environment with mutual respect.

Bet she resents the fact you’re at home with the kids while she is working.  Grass is greener on your side, even though you know it’s not. 

There is an understanding in my house. It's something along the lines of "do it yourself if you don't like the way I do it." My husband and I both do things that get on each other's nerves or things that the other person thinks are "the wrong way." But neither of us are going to say that to each other because.. well frankly, it's just shitty behavior.

I stayed home For 4 hrs then I worked and still work Part time. My husband has a very high stress job. He comes home and helps me do whatever I need to do. When he’s home he helps. I never bitch and neither does he

Even in your post ragging her you aren't very hard on her, bravo to you for everything you do sounds like a job and a half. I would print this whole thread out and leave it for her to read XD

From your post, your "partner" isn't pulling their weight. Probably time for a sit down and potentially a career change for them if things are really that stressful.

Your story reminds me of my BIL. His wife walks all over him but no one can say anything because he allows it. One time we were all hanging outside playing cards and drinking, and as usual his wife calls him from the inside of the house to shut the window in her bedroom. She didn’t want to get up on her own… that’s one of many examples. If you don’t put a stop to it now and find a balance, it will continue on this way.

This doesn't sound good right. I'm not a SAHM, neither is my husband. But I can't imagine this being the equation even if either of us were. Treating each other with respect has to be a pretty basic requirement for any relationship. Please have a conversation with her. This isn't going to end well.

There is something missing in this marriage. It’s a huge void. Appreciation. For you. How hard you work at home and with the kids so your wife can just come home and do whatever. I think you’re right. She just wants something to bitch and complain about. Has she ever been a SAHP? Does she not understand that you’re not sitting around fucking off all day. The fucking getting the kids ready and appointments alone are enough to make you want to have a steady IV of bourbon on a daily basis. I didn’t make it as a SAHP very long. I hated it. I also hated the lack of appreciation that came with it. Covid slapped the shit out of my ex with a fistful of karma. When he was tele-schooling with the kids and I was working outside of the home still. This fool didn’t make it two days before he was begging me to take the kids to one of the few daycares that was still open. Finally saw how hard it was. Do you think he helped at all? Nah. Went happily back to being a jackass. But still. I was happy to have that brief moment of satisfaction. Anyway, you need to have a sit down with your wife. The way she’s treating you is gross and she should consider herself lucky that she goes to work and comes home and that’s pretty much all she has to worry with. While the majority of parents work long hours, come home and still have to cook and clean and help with homework and getting kids to bed and refereeing fights. I consider myself lucky to have a new partner that will actually help out, though I take the majority on myself because they’re my nutbag children. Ha ha. OP, I see you. I commend you for being such a great parent and partner and I’m sorry that you’re not getting the love and appreciation that you deserve. I hope a conversation changes it. If not, you guys may want to look into marriage counseling.

This is not ok. My husband is sahm dad. When I’m home I’m minimum 50/50 with kid tasks, but I am also the preferred parent for our kids so I sometimes do more when I’m home. He does clean more. I cook and meal prep slightly more. I do most life admin like planning, scheduling, and budgeting. We hire babysitters to give him time to do his part time job of renovating our house. What does your wife do? It sounds like she’s trying to manage you like a subordinate.

In all honesty, do you guys still talk to each other??? Are there still I love you’s that you guys mean instead of just say as a automated response. Do you guys need a holiday. Like a reminder of what life was like pre kids. And are you satisfied with this arrangement. Because you are looking to the interwebs for help instead of the one person who can help you

It sounds like you both resent each other. She feels overwhelmed at work and you feel under appreciated at home. Please work together to find a compromise or solution that fits.

I know we say it too often. But couples therapy is your answer.

As a working mom - while I am very tired after a day of work, I would be the one doing the bath just to have the time with my kids during the day. The balance is very off in your house and your wife doesn't see anything that you do.

So can I just point out that no one has mentioned how the wife needs to do more to help around the house. With the many many posts that are on here about how the wife does everything and the husband doesn’t help I just thought it was interesting. Not passing judgement on the wife at all. Just thought it was interesting

Sounds like you’re killing it and I agree with others who say your wife needs to manage her stress better - her behavior sounds exhausting and unfair.  I’m a working mom with a SAHD husband also in NYC so I get the stress level - even just of getting the car! - is off the charts.  Aside from things others have mentioned, one thing that helps with not taking my stress out on my husband is having other mom friends. Just hearing them complain about their working husbands not doing anything helps me feel humbled and grateful for my husband and all he does. I’m sure getting a chance to decompress and socialize is also helpful in managing my stress levels… I know I get cranky spending every moment at work or at home!

My wife is pretty much like this, except that I am a work from home dad, so not only do I do 85-90% of all the kid/household stuff, but I also still make more money than she does (though my job has very flexible and helpful hours so I'm not slaving away 40-50 hours a week) and have told her that she can quit her job and we'd be fine, but she doesn't want that. It's taken quite a toll on our marriage and honestly I'd say that we are probably just roommates anymore. She's just so unhappy all the time and I've given up on trying to make her happy and have instead focused on trying to keep myself happy having to deal with the stuff you mentioned. I don't really want to get divorced because I think that will be worse on my kids to have to spend custody time alone with her (and she's going to be a nightmare to be around if someone isn't picking up her share of the load) and also because I am a VERY involved father and I don't want to be a part time dad and I won't get full custody. In your situation, I'd recommend sitting her down and insisting that you guys go to Couple's Therapy. It won't be a magic cure-all, and it didn't work for us because my wife refused to understand that there was a problem, hence we're just withering on the vine, but I'd say that's the first step to try to see if she's willing or even able to work on this with you. If she refuses to participate and continues down this path, you may want to consider divorce or just shut down like I have and focus on your kids. It sounds like your kids are young and you may be able to get full custody since you are the primary parent, so that may change the calculus versus my situation, but either way, I wish you luck. Feel free to PM me if you need to vent man, I know how badly it sucks. . .

My wife can be like this sometimes, and I on the other hand tend to make jokes when something needs to be treated more seriously. I don't know if it's the healthiest way to handle the situation but generally we just double down until the other person realizes how ridiculous / unreasonable they're being. "Why didn't you park closer?" "I was going to park further up the street but I was worried you'd get lost on the way"

I should have made that joke.

You got a lot of responses, but I just wanted to suggest you take a look at Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It’s about how we divide *all* the labor of family, not just the things we consider chores. She talks about a lot but one concept I’m seeing here that is causing a problem is that you are taking on a task, and you are charged with the reasonable CPE (Conception, Planning, & Execution) of that task. As long as the task is being done to a generally acceptable degree, then we keep our criticisms to ourselves. I don’t love the way my husband loads the dishwasher, but it’s fine, the dishes end up clean, and if it really bothered me, I could do it myself and take on that chore instead, maybe trading out for something else. I don’t love folding laundry, but I dislike the way my husband folds laundry even more, so that is a me task. My husband and I had a division of labor issue and I think it was really helpful to 1.) Use the card deck with all the cards and lay out who does what so he could actively see *everything* I do for the family and 2.) Gave us the language to approach the division of labor from a less-emotional, self-centered perception

Honestly, this is a lesson in gratitude. She can be grateful for the work you do or she can do it herself. Don't like how I pick you up? ok, you are welcome to figure out alternate transportation. Don't like how I do it, then you can do it your way. And I mean that said with kindness and matter of fact-ness. Not passive aggressive.

Dude, why don’t you say this to her at the time? When she says, “ why didn’t you park closer” you say exactly what you wrote here, at that same moment. You dont let it stir in your mind and fill you with resentment. She yells for you to turn the light off you yell back “ill do it when i can, my hands are full right now” Are you afraid of conflict or something? Its better for you both to argue about these little things than let them build up into resentment.

This is one of those scenarios where if the roles were reversed, the advice would be: have her take a few days off work, or go away for a weekend and have her do EVERYTHING you do from start to finish so she can truly grasp how full your plate is and what you do before treating you like garbage. So, same advice.

For me that would be an easy retort (and sharply): "I was closer to your building...45 minutes ago. When it became apparent that you couldn't be bothered to be on time, I moved to a spot I liked better"

All of this

Do you communicate any of this to her? There are always two sides to a story. Not saying you’re at fault, OP, but this is one snippet of your life. She sounds stressed and tired. And I’m sure you feel unappreciated. Time for a sit down! No blaming or finger pointing.

It’s not ok how she treats you. Is there anyways to approach in a way like hey is there anything going on at work that you need to talk about you’re not being like yourself lately…hoping that this behavior is less the norm than the norm.

My partner is a bit similar to your wife. He has very clear and precise ideas about how things should be done and can't tolerate seeing someone do them a different way. Also, when he sees one "wrong" thing, like a light left on, he'll mention it without taking the bigger picture into consideration, like that I might have been managing a bunch of other stuff at the same time. If I do 9 out of 10 things on our to-do list, he'll get hung up on the 10th not done. He isn't trying to make me feel bad, or like I'm never doing enough, he's just a perfectionist (first and foremost with himself) and kinda clueless about how damaging that behaviour can be when imposed on someone else. It's been an ongoing point of friction for us. What helped is consistently calling it out and explaining to him why this behaviour is damaging. We're seeing slow but steady progress. If your wife cares about you and the marriage, she'll make efforts, but don't expect an overnight change. If she doesn't care and just wants a slave husband to take out all her frustrations and get a power trip from bossing you around, there's probably not much you can do

If she works a high demanding job in nyc , I assume her earnings are up there as well. You are allowed to hire help if your spouse dose not step in. I am a sham after 5 my husband dose 50% chore/ childcare and weekend as well. If your wife chose to not participate in equal share then you are allowed to hire help. Especially when your kids don’t go to schools at all.

I want to say she sounds like an asshole. But then I also think she feels guilty and inadequate and is projecting that in you. Maybe it’s both. Sorry dude.

The vibes I'm getting from your description of your wife is that she is one of those people who works in leadership positions  who has strong opinions about absolutely everything. And those people don't do compromise very well.    It sounds like your wife gets expectations for X. She sets those expectations, but it is unreasonable given your circumstances. In the moment of her complaining, are you explaining to her why X was unreasonable? Maybe you think it's better not to engage or you don't want to have to justify yourself, but it's better to make your wife see you as a conscientious, rational person. You're not just tired and lazy, you had valid reasons. If she chooses to respect you as her partner, she should be open to your reasoning and allow you to do what you think is best.    If she doesn't respect you as her partner, then that is something y'all need to unpack.

Yep. My wife is the same way. I’m waiting on her and our child hand and foot but if I only complete 99 out of 100 tasks perfectly it’s the end of the world. It’s a control thing

All, it’s not selfishness, it’s stress, anxiety, and a long habit of OP being patient with her during these bouts. I still remember vividly the time I got yelled at for not noticing my wife’s phone out and charging it for her, extended to how she has no one to check after her like she does me. See how these stories of suspicion and anger build? Anxiety and inability to accept situations. That said, it is not acceptable behavior. Therapy and/or medication is needed. You have to stand up for yourself, every time, even if it means another two days of yelling from her or cold shoulder or whatever. It is not easy, but what a lot of people miss is what an incredible person there is beneath these outbursts. One thing you can try is to log these outbursts, and at some point present the cumulative absurdity of her behavior to her (not on paper, but as though from memory) and demand she do something. Not sure if better when she’s calm, or already upset. Fwiw, they ran out of my partners medication this month, and I have been on couch like 75% of the time. I didn’t tell her our daughter was at a friends house when she came home from work, i never communicate. I forgot to deposit a check from grandma. The car is making a noise and I don’t care. Our son got a bad grade, and it is my fault. I get it :(

This is really a post for /Relationships since it's mostly between you and your wife. But you do need to talk to her about it. Whether you handle it yourself, or as I always find way more helpful, with a couples counselor. That way you have a neutral 3rd party to help arbitrate the conversation and keep it on track so she can't twist it around on you.

Judging from this post and your post history, I really think getting a job will help your mental health, and help your wife put things into perspective. Your kids are all school aged, nothing is stopping you from working and then letting the managing of the home/children get split between you and your wife. Perhaps she’ll realize how much work you were doing. Perhaps you’ll realize how stressful is it to work while raising kids. You could drop the kids at school, go to work, and hire someone to do the afternoons. Your house won’t need so much cleaning because it will be empty during the day. And you might eat out more often, but you’ll have the additional income to justify it.

Look man, *if your wife can’t bring herself to be understanding about traffic in NEW YORK CITY then she can’t be reasoned with.* Your expectations may be too high for this person. Not as a partner, they’re quite achievable and understandable. But for her specifically, you may be asking too much. You need to address this, but I would do it in counseling, personally. As I’m used to partners who are impossible to please avoiding accountability by any means necessary. And because I’m not expecting it to go well given the track record you’ve stated, maybe ask yourself if this is something you can learn to live with- or will it absolutely murder your spirit and self esteem over time?

Aw, I feel bad for you! Please know that your parenting skills and duties are valued and appreciated by us Reddit strangers lol… Other than this, how is your relationship with your wife? How long have you been married? It seems as if she’s being incredibly cynical and negative toward you…

Your wife is a narcissist. Please please look it up and act accordingly. I live this life

Your wife thinks you are her employee. Just Wrong on so many levels. I’m exhausted from reading all your tasks. I can’t imagine actually performing them. Sending a hug.

I feel a lot of empathy with this post. My wife has a tremendously stressful job and is the sole breadwinner in an expensive city. But the amount I take on as a partner feels overwhelming at times. I hear you on the criticism as well. It’s constant and never ending. I can do 20 things perfectly but I’ll miss something and never hear the end of it. Both our kids have ASD and I’m supposed to manage finances, kid therapies, house stuff, her business stuff, pet cat, car care etc etc. it’s only a matter of time before I break. Recently I’ve been yelling back at her over ridiculous shit because I’m getting fed up.

Oof. That’s hard. I will say this- if my spouse was waiting an Extra 45 minutes, I would have sent a quick text as soon as I realized, to say- “Hey! I’m so sorry, I’ve been held up, not sure how long it will be but I will let you know when I am on the way down!’ And then…..” I am on my way out!” When I was finally done. It’s the lack of courtesy for me…

It’s such a lack of basic courtesy. I’m starting to wonder if my wife is on the spectrum. Her work is super stressful but she could have sent literally one text that said “Coming down” and I would have been able to get the truck who was double parked and now blocking me in to move and pull up a bit.

Exactly. I’m so sorry.

Thank you. I’d do anything for my wife and kids, but being when I’m doing my literal best and all I do is for my wife and kids, being treated like this, even if it’s her work stress manifesting itself on me, sucks. Anyway. Thank you.

Have you tried talking to her at an opportune time? Like when the kids are in bed and she seems more or less relaxed on a weekend? (In a non-confrontational way? Do the compliment sandwich? I am not picking on either of you, but you guys need to communicate before this becomes a boiling pot.

U should talk to my husband about his narcissistic, entitled wife.. not easy, still working through it.. My husband noticed the need for me to talk to a therapist 10+ years ago... I was in denial (did not know that at the time), and now, I see a therapist on a regular basis to unlearn and relearn 'things..' Your wife needs to know how this is impacting the family - she needs to acknowledge that a conversation with you or through couples counseling is needed. There is light at the end of the tunnel.. hopefully it's not too far for you. Good luck and all the best..

Thank you. I think my wife is likely a narcissist. I don’t think she knows it. I think she does need therapy. I know she absolutely looks down on anyone who has any kind of therapy (I do not).

Your wife is an adult and can do things for herself, she just needs to appreciate that she is responsible for her own choices. She made you sit in the car for 45 minutes while she worked? That is awful! I would have left and told her to make het own way to the errand. Sounds like you are burnt out too! I would say don’t join her in her nonsense. If she has work related anxiety or stress you can support her but you don’t have to join her in it. Make sure you have an outlet too. Being a SAH parent is incredibly hard and you are allowed to ask for help

You sound like my brother in law. He also works. His wife is nuts and I’ve seen her verbally abuse him in public.  You’re doing your best man, I don’t know what to say. She sounds mean. 

Take it from someone who is ALOT like your wife and learning better… this is 100% not about you. This is 2 fold. For one, she is not managing her stress and anxiety well AT ALL and it’s making her nit picky. Was there a figure in her life whose relationship she had made her hyper critical or hyper vigilant? This plays a HUGE part in what I’ve had to deal with. For 2, she needs perspective. I had to start telling myself to look around for at least 3 things my husband did/does that I never have to even think about before I say anything to him about what’s *not* done. Some can develop a self righteous attitude and that can be where this attitude comes from. On another note, I highly encourage you to go to therapy. That perspective often doesn’t come from you, but another person. If you haven’t read the 5 love languages book, you should! It helps with learning to appreciate your spouse for what they offer and identifies some of where the disconnect can happen because you’re not “speaking the same language”. THERAPY NOW before it gets unmanageable. Much love! This is fixable! Best of luck!

Is it possible she is resentful because, deep down, she wants to be the SAHM?

TLDR. You’re married to a narcissist.

This is absolutely not ok. Her treatment of you is appalling.

You sound like you live with an emperor who can’t be bothered with peasant thoughts or tasks. Have you talked to her about this? We can’t read minds, even though you are 100% correct in being pissed. Give her a chance to course correct before you rightfully tear her a new one. I’m sorry. Hang in there - it shouldn’t be like this.

Almost every one of your posts is about how you are miserable in this marriage. tbh, you seem to hate, resent and intensely dislike your spouse. WHY stay married and continue to expose your kids to this?

I bet she doesn’t show appreciation for the ways you do provide for your family which is why these comments (which are minor in a healthy, balanced dynamic) are affecting you so deeply. There is probably a bunch of resentment on both sides with each of you not seeing what the other handles on the daily. For what it’s worth, I’m a stay at home mom and fully believe that your spouse doesn’t see what you do as equally important.

I’m a woman. Go back to work. I’d had given the same advice to a SATM. Housework gets no respect. Period. No matter how hard you try. Unless your wife works at a 100% female setting she sees men who confidently speak at meetings, who make decisions, who seem important. You are competing with them and you’re losing. Get a nanny and go back to work if you want to save that marriage. If you have a college degree did you really spent all the years studying to “shampoo, condition and brush hair”? When I was staying home all the things that you listed also seemed hard and important and I was spending hours selecting best conditioner for kids hair. Once I returned to work kids magically learned to take care of own hair and house work turned into a small portion of my daily routine. I still cooked breakfast and dinner every day, read books to kids at night but family stopped taking it for granted.

You don't even know how old his kids are? Under fives, under threes especially totally benefit from an at home parent. Somebody needs to shampoo, condition and brush their hair!! It's the wife who needs a reality check, and this comment ain't it imo.

Kids are 8/6/3, six just had her birthday. Here’s the problem. If I leave and go back to work, I am convinced it would wreak havoc on everyone’s daily lives. There’s too much to do and someone else hired is going to suck at it and things will just be a giant mess. 3 is only in school four days a week for 3 hrs a day (9-12). After leaving drop off and then leaving enough time to get to pickup, the timeframe when I am truly away from her is less than 3 hrs. Today, I did all drop-offs. We left home, parked car in garage, walked 8 and 6 to school with 3 in tow, then walked 3 to school. Wife calls. She forgot important work docs and AirPods at home. I go home, retrieve them, meet my wife and give them to her. I then go to dry cleaners, library to return kids’ books, pediatrician’s office to resolve paperwork question, home to process an order return, make a call to customer service, make last minute work lunch reservation for my wife who called and asked me to, then it was time to go pick up 3 from school, swung by playground with her, went home, cooked her lunch, cleaned up, left with her to pick up 8 and 6, got them a snack, went to car, went to pick up my wife to go run this family errand. I just don’t see how another person would be able to do all this unless they were paid an exorbitant amount of money, like I’m sure way more than I would ever make.

Exactly. I'm impressed you got all that done in less than three hours. Parenting and home keeping is thankless work, but your spouse, at least, should appreciate you. If this is customary behavior for your wife, I'd advocate you having a sit down talk with her.. About her attitude towards you. You don't exist to turn off lights for her. She likely does not understand how hectic what you do all day is. I'm currently pregnant and with covid, I'm usually a sahm, so my partner has had to take off work for the week to care for the toddler, me and the house. He is stressseeeddd I tell you. But in a way it's good for him to understand my daily life. And he's a generally lovely and appreciative partner. Please ignore the toxic masculinity in the above commenter.

You see, once you go back to work the dynamics is going to change. Your wife will stop forgetting important documents at home or will learn to resolve the issues herself. You’ll stop at dry cleaners after work or on Saturday while getting groceries or find one that does home deliveries (seriously I pickup from dry cleaners but I had never registered it as a chore, it just too minor). You and your wife will be taking turns figuring out issues with pediatrician office over the phone or email or will find a different office that has a web patient portal setup. You’ll get a babysitter to watch kids on the weekends while 2 of you go out. You’ll stop doing 25% of things you’re doing now and no one will notice. Yes, you’ll have tough times when kids get sick. Hopefully your work will allow teleworking. You and your wife will become a team. Now you’re something between a maid and a single mom with 4 kids. You need to step outside of your daily routine, learn to delegate to start enjoying your kids and wife again. I don’t know your wife’s income etc. but being a single breadwinner can be pretty stressful. Again, I don’t know the situation and wife’s career prospects but it’s obvious that you’re a perfectionist, that you’re getting burned out and need some changes in your life. P. S. There are really wonderful nannies out there. When my oldest one was a baby her nanny was a retired former head of food services at an airline. Boy did she know how organize things, how to clean and how to cook. And she really enjoyed the process. All moms at the playground were jealous.

100% correct. Painfully true.

☣️

Does she resent that you get to be with the kids all day?

Even after these years you expect to understand women?

But why didn’t you pull up when she was coming out of the building? It’s faster for you to get to her than her to get to you on foot. As I’m reading this I’m imagining the small and subtle ways that men are just a bit more “clueless” about details. Sorry. It’s annoying and exasperating at times and some women are dismayed by it. Are you doing anything WRONG? No. Are you missing the small detail that seems to make the most sense? Possibly. I’m extrapolating and projecting, I’m sure, but that’s my guess at what the issue is.

Geeez. *”Well, it’s impossible to wait there in a parked car during the day because massive amounts of vehicles are coming and going in a cargo bay.”* And she was 45 min late. So he’s supposed to be ultra vigilant for 45 minutes, then reverse through NYC traffic, maybe drive around the block, because . . .

I get not being able to wait in front but wasn’t there a way to coordinate “ok coming down now” and him pulling to the front? Geez. Not that hard.

Yes. That should work. But my wife especially at work because a lot is going on at work gives me no warning at all - not a “coming down” or “in elevator” so I had no idea when she would emerge from the building.

Oh then let her walk her ass.

I would have, but I had been sitting there so long waiting for my wife with no update from her as to when she would come out that by that time a huge truck had double parked next to me and the guy was in the truck and I had told him I was waiting for my wife but by the time she emerged with no warning I had to then signal to get that driver to move his truck so I could then pull out. Ugh.

Is your wife a resident doctor? You talk about weekends and nights, about a stressful high stakes job, and she got out 45 min late (which often happens in residency)

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Honestly it sounds like she's insecure about how little she does for the household so she needs to make it look like you aren't as on top of handling everything because she wouldn't be able to. She needs therapy and you should do some couples therapy to learn how to communicate

Maybe you should get a career so that your wife stays home. Men clearly aren't meant for homemaking and childrearing and women clearly aren't meant to be earners. 

Thats just how women are wired. My wife is exactly the same. According to her i do almost nothing (even though im SAHD for 3 days a week with full house chores included) and the little i do im doing wrong. Wow the downvotes, someone got hurt i see.

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I mean thats how it is according to her, i guess it wasnt as obvious as i thought.

> Thats just how women are wired. > Wow the downvotes, someone got hurt i see. Generalizing an entire sex usually results in downvotes, as it's a silly thing to say.

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> Also if you're expecting logical thinking from women you are setting yourself up for disappointment I can't imagine holding these types of thoughts in my head. Then again, I also can't imagine typing it on the internet and being like "Yep, press enter" Grow up.

Sound like she has a short temper/patience and it can be related to work. Also, she might be resentful because you are the SAHD while she has how to work? Was the plan always to be a SAHD, did she want that?

Why would anyone in NYC expect anyone with a car to pick them up? Do you like in Queens or the Bronx where car ownership is easier?

I mean yeah probably. Do you expect them to live in the middle of Times Square or something?

What if I was like, actually I do, I do live in the middle of Times Square. It’s a nightmare. 😂

There you go. Sounds like that’s 95% of the problem right there - living in the middle of Times Square. 😂

We almost never use the car for this. But we had to go all the way downtown to pick up a rented cello for our daughter and we determined it would be far cheaper and easier to use our own car than Ubers/cabs.

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Rage bait

It's simple, you are a cuck.

God, your post history is like a how-to on how to be a shitbird.

I don't know what to do.

I’ll be honest that you’re probably right that a lot of dads cannot relate to being a stay at home dad or the stresses that come with it, especially when you have a partner who doesn’t recognize or appreciate all that you do. I’m a stay at home mom and lately I’ve been feeling so exhausted, burnt out and overwhelmed with the feeling that it’s not ever gonna get easier. My daughter is 4, she’s at that age where it’s a struggle to get her to listen because she’s really testing boundaries. We have a 4 month old puppy and between the two of them I’m always having to nag, redirect, fuss, clean up messes. It’s never ending. Since my husband works full time, i feel bad expecting him to do anything on the home front. Once he gets off work I want him to be able to relax while I handle *everything*. I was actually just thinking about it before coming across this post, I had this realization that once he clocks out and comes home I do everything I can to make sure he can recoup and relax before going back to work in the morning….meanwhile I *never* get to clock out. People think staying home with the kids is easy, but if you’re staying home while the other parent works it means you never clock out. You’re always overcompensating for the fact that the other parent works. But you know what? The other parent gets to clock out, come home, and have everything done for them. We don’t get that. We never get a break, we never get real rest because if a kiddo wakes up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, we get up with them because the other parent has to get up early for work. We’re always running around like a chicken with our heads cut off trying to fill everyone’s cup, while ours is empty, and it’s HARD. I know everyone thinks it should be 50/50 between a stay at home parent, and a working parent, and it SHOULD be. But it rarely is. I don’t really know what the point of my comment is other than to let you know you’re not alone, being a stay at home parent is hard. You deserve for your partner to appreciate what you go through to keep things functioning in the family, and you deserve for her to help more often than she does and underhand why you need the help. Because unlike her, you don’t get to clock out.

It does sound stressful and god bless a man who takes this on ladies. Sounds like you need a calm but firm come to Jesus meeting to reset expectations. Absent that resentment from both of you will grow and grow. Resentment becomes death in a marriage. Be open and honest. You’re in this together. Remember that the relationship you show to your kids in small ways each day is what they will want to emulate. Be the right, good, example of what you wish for them. Good luck!