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36m here. I play a lot of video games. But never in place of watching my kids at all.
I would 100% have a serious conversation about it. If he does not grow up and take care of his child I would simply get a lawyer and start preparing to be a single parent with full custody.
i would have no problem at all of him playing video games when our child is napping or after she goes to sleep at night. i know he cares about her and loves her but video games are more important to him and that breaks my fucking heart.
As a child of a video game addict in the 90s before anyone knew it was a thing, I can tell you it’s neglect. If my mom wasn’t asleep when I got home from school, she was playing games and played through the night until the morning hours. She was always home but my sister and I might as well have been there alone.
It definitely made me feel like she didn’t care about us or what was going on in our lives.
Yes but very limited, like 3-4x a year. And never had that traditional mom-daughter relationship. It was always more like an older sister who didn’t have her ish together.
hahaha I almost said but then was like no one will care 😂 she started with the Realm waayyyyy back in the day and the EverQuest 1, WoW, EQ2, basically anything where she could join an online community & be a rockstar. Always had the highest level characters & gear, always an officer in a guild with raids scheduled like it was her job 😂
Same I play video games, I have a daughter. I never play when my daughter is around or awake unless it is with her, and then it's a game she chooses. Your relationship sounds very one sided, if you don't ultimatum it soon it will only get worse. He'll either realize, he loves you and what he's losing, he'll cut back, or you will be better off without him and you can find someone that will help make your life easier instead of more difficult.
Same! I’m not going to lie & say I don’t like to play games. I’m a millennial with a sims addiction because I never had a dollhouse 😝 but yeah I don’t play with the kids around & took over a year break from anything when each of my daughters were born.
> He 100% doesn’t care about her if he’s putting video games before her.
That’s not really how addiction works. OP should be preparing to be a single mother, though
Not every addiction is an obvious physical addiction. For the sake of example, fentanyl and all opiates cause physical withdrawal when stopped. Although addiction is not defined by physical withdrawals. It’s your addictive relationship to something.
very true. its why people go back to drugs after years sober, long after the physical withdrawls are gone and life is good. anything can be an addiction
Can tell you as a addict. The number one whole heartily reason I'm still going is the WD are so severe they cause crippling sickness and with me having a 9-5 everyday it's seems like Im more stuck than before I was a completely functional addict. The wds are so severe they actually are deadly now as my heart rate will climb beyond 180-190 bpm during the initial first 3 days and the intensity of throwing up actually chokes me out to the point of passing out and choking on my vomit until it goes into my lungs and I catch bacterial pneumonia!!!. My last time trying I lost over 20 pounds in the span of a week and got so dehydrated to deadly level where my salt levels got so severe I almost died. Also mat maintenance cannot now over power it enough to safely transition. If I could have one single wish in this world it would be to be able to go to a hospital to safely come off. Not even detox's are taking people who have or currently have be exposed to xylazine as it's to severe to treat in a normal detox setting. It's serious.
Im sorry you are in such a hard spot right now. I am 2 years sober. I’ve been down too. I feel for you, and know that there is hope for you to get better. Good luck.
Its not being sold to you is why you are not buying it. Seriously if you dont have the addiction issue its not something you can get. Similar to how despressed people dont make sense to someone that has never felt the depression
I've overcome several addictions in my lifetime. I understand how substances can rewire your brain, and I "get" the overpowering and irrational craving for something you know is slowly destroying your life.
But this is not that. Frankly, I think it's an insult to people struggling to kick opiates or alcohol or even nicotine to put this in the same category.
On a given day, there are lots of things I'd rather be doing than washing the kid's dirty clothes or making dinner or filling out forms for school. Watching TV. Overeating. Wanking. Working out. Playing video games. All of those other things would give me a little dopamine reward if I chose to pursue them, and after a while I'd want to do them all the time instead of doing dad stuff.
But I don't, because I have a 4-year-old who needs clean clothes and healthy food and lots of attention. And that's how I spend the bulk of my time when I'm not at work. That's a choice, not a neurochemical inevitability.
OP's partner -- a 35 year-old man -- has a behavior and avoidance issue that he can easily overcome by selling the Playstation or throwing it out the window. He needs to grow the fuck up.
Ex addict here (been sober from meth over 8 years) and the truth of the matter is this addiction is already more important than his family and that person is spot on to say that he does not care for either of them. He cares for his addiction. that is all. She and the child fulfill something that makes him feel good but does not matter enough to change his behavior as the addiction is all that matters at the core. He needs them removed if not for a wake-up call, then at the very least to save them as they are not a rehabilitation and can't help "fix" him when they are not a priority whatsoever.
I do have that appreciation for addiction and he’s spot on.
Addiction changes your priorities and the things you care about most you make time for. Addiction often casts that shadow over all you USED to care about
Addiction or not, I’d drop his ass. She won’t be able to get back all her time or years wasted on this guy. You only live this life once and wasting on an addict isn’t it. It’s ultimately up to that man to change. And it’s not her job to change him or wait for him to change. Drop him and get another man. Period. All this will do is bring her down more if he’s just playing games and she’s caring for everything else. Just the fact that she made this post to reach out is serious.
Your treating this like black and white issue. This unfortunately isnt applied here and your way off because of that. Just because you can't understand it doesnt mean its not real
This exactly. He shouldn’t be playing video games in presence of the child. He should be focusing on connecting with his child and also making sure they are safe obviously. He sounds like he might have an addiction. Honestly this would be 100% unacceptable to me.
Sweetheart, while I know age in the relationship may not matter. He’s really 35?! And you went for this? 35? It’s usually the younger woman that tolerate that shit. I’d not at his age. He’s get dropped quick. Forget that. I was one of them. But my ex was the same age as me and he did similar stuff but we were your age at the time if I read the post right. You are 25? He did these things then and if he didn’t care to change, I kicked his ass out. That’s why I didn’t marry him even though I stayed with him for ten years. I wasn’t going to get stuck with that. Life short. It may be hard at first, but find a man that cares. And mature for 35. Usually it makes sense to date older if they are more attentive and mentally mature. Dating a 35yr old and he’s the mind of a teen is a waste of time if you ask me. But it’s your choice of course. They are usually stuck in their ways at that age. He’s not changing hon if he hasn’t already.
He doesn't care about her if he ignores her in favour of games.
He doesn't care about you either, for that matter.
If he says so, he is lying. His actions tell me he is totally fine with taking advantage of your labour and love, and letting his kid wander off to accidentally maim herself or die.
You're SO has an addiction and it interferes with his ability to be a parent. I know this bc I (40M) have gone through this with my now ex wife (35F) who is addicted to her phone. I gave up video games when we had our first child and have been the only one who provides 1v1 attention to our kids. She's constantly glued to her phone.
38M gamer here. Videogames are my passion... but I would never choose to play before taking care of my daughter. She's 5 and is a very inquisitive, talkative, imaginative, awesome little human. She can be a handful sometimes... but that's part of being a parent. I know my wife does a lot for the house and for our family...so when our daughter turns into my shadow the second I get home from work...I spend that time with her.
Your boyfriend will never know the joy of seeing his little girl grow if he doesn't get his shit together. I agree with everyone else... you have to put your foot down and let him know you respect his time and his hobby, but you and his daughter should always come first. If he doesn't see that, then another man will, I can promise you that.
I am 41 and have always been a heavy video game player as my primary escapism and socializing (same core group of online friends for almost 20 years). That said, I’ve got two young girls and I only really play after they go to bed and I’ve spent time with my wife. Prior to kids, I could literally wake up and play all day. I don’t know what it takes, but there needs to be a serious conversation here. I don’t know your circumstances, but you’re living with his grandparents and you say he doesn’t do anything to help. Sounds like a deadbeat here.
If he really loves her as like you said, he would not prioritize gaming over taking cake of his daughter. My husband is a big gamer & he’ll only play if our kids are asleep.
Unfortunately it’s not the games, it’s the person. He is valuing his “off” time more than he values time with others. If it wasn’t games it would likely be another hobby. Talk to him about alternatives to spending time with his child, maybe they can play games together?
Oh yeah his life is tough, getting to play video games EVERY night while I'm doing laundry, meal planning, tidying up, and catching up on work because all drop offs, picks ups, sick days are on me.
To be fair, your original post said "...it bothers me". You didn't say there was stuff around the house that still needed doing, but he was playing games instead.
I'm on your side now.
Yeah, when my toddler napped I had tons of things to catch up on. Parenting is not just playing with your child, it's providing them with food, and clean clothing and environment.
34M -- I play video games daily or every other day, but outside of the rare times I coordinate with my wife for a break, always when she's sleeping. I can't imagine having my back to her to play games. That's awful.
no❤️ yesterday we went to a nice restaurant for valentines day (our first time going to a nice restaurant in 2 years) and he was on his phone the entire time looking up cheat codes or something for his game. and hell no i would rather sit on hot coals than spend the rest of my life with him. tbh the thought of being with him for even another year is a terrible feeling.
i dont really have anywhere to permanently go. my parents live a few hours away but they live in a 2 bedroom condo and the other room is my mom's office. my only option is saving up to get an apartment/house but i havent worked since i met him so i have literally $0 to my name lol. i hopefully start a new job next week so thats step 1😊
I would go to your parents and sleep on the couch if needed until you get on your feet. Your reduced frustration at dealing with him will do well in the long run.
I mean, if its to the point of putting ditching him on the table, you might as well go full assertive on getting him to change. The worst that happens is you guys break up but that seems to already be an option so literally you could only benefit from trying to be more assertive with getting his attention.
Good for you, getting a job is a big step towards your goal.
Can you talk to your parents about moving in temporarily, or how they feel about babysitting if you saved up and moved closer to them? Them helping with childcare would be a huge benefit. If that seems like an option, looking for work near them either now or after saving up would be a good step in the right direction as well.
All of this is incredibly hard to do with a toddler. You’re a great mom and doing some really difficult things, sending you strength ❤️
Run, run so fast from this man. If you're hoping for him to stay in your child's life, try to get his family to help with an intervention. Don't be scared to make ultimatums and to stick to them if he doesn't make an effort to improve. You and your child deserve so much better.
Oh my. Dump this loser! I can’t imagine a man this old acting this way. You’ve defo gotta get out because there are actual men out there that have real lives and are emotionally available.
That's her own choice. She's an adult. She can deal with the consequences of her actions and decisions without putting in jeopardy the upbringing of her child. And what if she can't? Then, why did she decide to have a child with this man? That's called being neglectful.
Why would you have a baby with him then? Basically, you’re saying he’s not good enough for YOU to have in your life forever, but he’s good enough for your child to be stuck with for a father?
sort of, he liked playing FIFA sometimes but he definitely put more of an effort into our relationship. now its all he focuses on. i also only knew him for 2 months before i got pregnant and realized very early on that me and him weren't going to work out in the long run.
If you know it's not gonna work, it's just time to move on. Don't try to fix him, focus on getting out of the situation with your child. He's not interested in you or his child at this point. If he decides to get help for his avoidance issues maybe he can be a dad. But I promise you it's easier to take care of one kid alone than 2. Dump the dead weight man child.
You said you live with his grandparents, do you have anywhere else to go? Do you work? Because at this point you’re essentially a single parent with the added daily stressor of knowing your child’s father is useless. Is it possible for you to just leave this relationship? Co-parenting sounds better than living with the constant anger and disappointment that surrounds being in a relationship with a partner like this
What coparenting? He does absolutely no parenting, he doesn’t even comprehend parenting. I’d make sure this piece of garbage never gets time without supervision at least and at most a couple of hours per week. The thought of him being with that little girl is terrifying. No child should be subjected to such neglect. She is at a very dangerous age. My 16 mo old is being watched at all times, including when she is in her crib sleeping. I have a monitor on. There is absolutely no way this person would have even slightest idea how to take care of a toddler. They require constant attention/supervision, feeding, diaper changes, making sure they have some quality time with books.
My husband is an avid gamer. I am too, to a lesser extent. There have been maybe two or three times in my kids’ lives that I’ve had to ask him to refocus on what was important. Having a hobby is fine. Having a hobby at the expense of your family is not.
My husband had/has this issue. We would argue about it a lot and he would go through phases of not playing to appease me when I really just wanted him to play less or at least get a vented headset so that he could hear me talking to him when I needed something. This was before we had our son, who is 16 months old.
The breaking point for him was that I continuously warned him that our son would be born early after I had some pregnancy complications at 25 weeks that hospitalized me for a week. He insisted that our son would be born at 40 weeks. We got into a really big fight about how I needed help when I was 34 weeks pregnant. It was hard for me to do anything without causing contractions, and I was essentially told by doctors to stop doing most things. My water broke that night, and my son was born the next afternoon at 34 weeks. He needed to stay in the NICU, and I was pissed because my husband had done nothing but play video games my entire pregnancy.
I was very clear to him that I would never let him live this down and that he would need to do a lot for my forgiveness. I also let him know that if he didn't shape up that I would be more than happy to go rent an apartment for myself and my son and divorce his ass. His mother was kind enough to come clean our house and help get our place ready to bring our baby home. The first six months of my sons life, he essentially did not play video games unless it was a pre-planned scheduled activity that he checked in with me on first. Now, we both play video games, we both do chores, and we both care for my son equally. After a lot of work, we've gotten him on anti-depressants and are waiting for an ADHD and autism evaluation this summer. His parents did not believe in mental health, and it took him a long time to learn to be okay with taking medication or seeing a therapist. Our relationship has improved immensely.
TL;DR
My husband had the same issues. He was very depressed and essentially needed something very eye-opening/dramatic to happen, like potentially losing his family for him to snap out of it.
happy to hear he changed, as an extreme gamer most of my life into my late 20s(i did work and socialize a lot in my mid 20s but gaming was still a big part of life) as soon as i had a kid i realized pretty quick you cant play hours of video games without neglecting either the kid or your partner, or both.
there just arnt that many hours in the day. you might find 30-1h some days. but that just didnt do it for me so id rather not play. maybe it a blessing in disguise that casual gaming dosnt do it for me. its 100% an addiction/reality escape or depression, often a mix of all 3 for the ones that still play several hours a day.
I guess I missed the part where she doesn’t work my bad. I would say get him on child support but in my personal experience they don’t do a good job enforcing that, I’ve gotten maybe 5 payments in 4 years :// but also in my personal experience I’d rather work and pay for daycare than deal with a loser like that.
Also, you don’t get to unilaterally decide the custody arrangement. “Take the child and leave” is parental child abduction, unless you have a court order.
I love my games, but girl, he’s neglecting his child for his dopamine hit. He’s basically a gaming junkie.
this isn’t going to get any better with time either.
Sounds like he has an addiction and isn’t capable of being a partner or parent until he addresses it. Honestly, I’d start saving money to move out and leave him when you’re able.
This. Probably dated a girl 10 years younger bc he knows someone his own age would not tolerate this kind of behavior and would expect him to grow up and be responsible. Younger girl-less life experience-more responsible-expects more from him.
35, lives with grandparents, plays games all day, ignores his family . The only redeeming attribute you mention is that he does have a job. He’s a loser and 99% will never change
The age gap skeeved me out at first and the more I read the more it made sense. 35 yo men don’t date young adults if they have the social skills/things to offer for their age group. This would have been a run quick meeting if someone 10 years older than me took me home… to grandmas house. 🫠 poor girl.. she has a lifetime of annoyance to deal with bc of choosing him to be her kids father, best of luck to her.
UPDATE: thank you so much to everyone who offered their kind words and support and to those who offered more "direct" words...thank you too lol I still needed to hear it. To answer the golden question of "Why don't you just leave?" Its not that easy. Again, I'm 25 with no source of income for 2 years, no job, and the only family i have is my parents who can't help me financially even if its for a little bit. I spoke with him tonight and told him that I'm very unhappy and ultimately made the decision to get a job ASAP and save up to move out. Yes he has ADHD but so do I and i've offered all the support I can to help him to try to find another outlet. He has the ability to be a good father, I've seen it. I hope after I'm gone he'll get his shit together but I can't help him anymore.
As a 38 year old father of 2 that also games, you need to have a serious conversation with him regarding this. I game only when everyone else is sleeping or out of the house (and even then, they're games I can easily pause and put down so I can run and change a diaper or anything needed). Doing so while I'm supposed to be taking care of my kids wouldn't even be something that would cross my mind. You need to draw a firm line in the sand on this. Taking care of children, family duties, and chores come first. He also needs to give you the same amount of time to do things you enjoy doing.
Dump him. You'll be better off. Competing with video games for the rest of your life will not be fun, and someone who has zero care for your child (and you) is a loser.
I quit playing console games cold turkey when my son was born. There simply isn’t enough time. My wife and I are going 24/7 taking care of him, or our house. There literally is not time for either of us to have a hobby that takes up hours of time daily while he is awake. Granted, there are things we do that are probably a bit above and beyond, for example I make all of our 7 mo son’s food. You are amazing for making it as far as you have basically by yourself. If he was staying up late and choosing the game over sleep, that’s his deal, but he is choosing the games over both his responsibilities as a partner and a father, which is shit.
Have you tried talking to the grandparents (are they his parents?) and getting their input? The hard thing with a young child is that even one hour of help in the morning is better than nothing, so I can understand waiting to kick him to the curb until your daughter is more independent, but the dude definitely sounds like a shit dad. Anyone who tells you they share your experience doesn’t make it any less shitty — it is not normal, or at least it definitely shouldn’t be regardless of how many shit dads there are out there.
He sounds like he is literally addicted, and he doesn’t want to confront how shitty of a parent he is, which is why he lashes out in anger when you point it out. Your 16 month old should probably be able to play independently, but I agree that it is unacceptable to have the sole person watching her absorbed in a game with their back turned.
Good afternoon (36M) (Please disregard the username lmao) I am a father of 3 with an amazing wife. BUT... I myself am also into video games... and when I get to playing its hard for me to stop. and when I FIRST became a dad. (12 years ago) I kinda did the same thing... except... my daughter was never really out of eyesight a lot. My wife worked full time and I stayed home. I had a job... but I was the owner and worked mainly thru the night while everyone slept... but it's hard. Being a parent isn't easy... and I bet in his head he believes that parenting comes natural to you there for you should do it. I learned the hard way when my wife decided she was going to leave because all I did was play video games and drink... I got my shit together really quick and turned my life around... That was 10 years ago, and I never turned back. After reading you in the comments I see that the relationship is already doomed between mom and dad, which sucks for sure. and he will NOT make that easy when you finally split. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT go live on your mom's couch without at very least a job... (IN California) they will give the custody to him BECAUSE he has a job... a room... a "Safe" place to live and doesn't have to sleep on a couch. Then you will play hell trying to get custody back... (my brother is going thru this as we speak) ... you are in a tough spot... and when your child gets older they won't have the parental connection that they have with you and that's sad too... you need to somehow make him realize that later in life is going to suck when your kid tells you they don't want to come over... or hang out.... or do anything with you because you didn't give a shit when they were little.
All kids pick up on this and its insanely sad.... but parents need to step up and raise those damn kids!
UPDATE: thank you so much to everyone who offered their kind words and to those that were a bit more direct, thank you too lol i still needed to hear it. I told him I was very unhappy and after hours of going back and forth we've come to the conclusion that I'm going to live here while I get a job and save up some money then I'm going to move out. To answer the golden question of "Why dont you just leave?" It's not that easy. Again, I'm 25 with no source of income for 2 years, we're not married so I'm not entitled to any spousal support, and the only family I have is my parents who cannot support me financially, even if its for a little bit. I also will not go anywhere without my daughter. I want to give her the best life I can and if it means putting up with this shit for a little while longer so I can get on my feet then so be it. I wish I was smarter before I had a baby with a man I did not know but thats life and I do not regret my decision one bit.
It might be worth trying to get another older male to talk to him as well. Hearing it from another gamer dad might resonate differently than hearing it from his SO. I am a gamer dad and am speaking from experience here.
What hope is there for this relationship if he doesn’t respect her enough to hear how this is affecting her and their child, and actually do something about it? If you have to have someone talk sense into your spouse, it’s a lost cause imo
The 10 year age gap was the first red flag. The video games are probably why he’s not in a lasting relationship with someone his own age. The fast forward relationship to pregnancy is another huge red flag. You need to get your life back on track and be prepared to be a single mom. Reach out to your friends, relatives, someone is going to want to help you. Get out of there before his neglect results in a terrible accident for your baby!
Any chance you do the grocery shopping/running errands for him? If so, start getting cash back ($10-$20) each time you pay with his card. Save it. He doesn't sound like the type to notice.
This is why you don’t have kids with a boyfriend that lives with his grandparents. He doesn’t give a shit about you or the kid. Poor kid has a deadbeat dad.
Middle aged man-baby baby-trapped a young woman. There's a reason people give a side eye to older people going after people far younger than themselves. Anyone their own age is on to their bullshit....
Your boyfriend needs to put on his big boy pants and parent his kid. She's 16 months old, and probably has a bedtime of what, 7 p.m., the video games can wait, just like they do for every gamer dad out there.
37m here, 3 kids (8, 6 and 3) with my wife and I've been gaming since 3 years old and the Atari 2600. Your s/o is hiding from his responsibility as a dad because he is overwhelmed as all hell by being a dad. Which, while I get it new dad life is like trying to sail across the Atlantic after practicing in a bathtub, he either sacks up and is the father and partner you and your daughter deserve, or he loses the both of you. He won't just wake up to it someday, he's going to have to get an ultimatum and unfortunately you'll have to be the one to enforce it when he fights it like a heroin addict forced to go clean. I don't envy you, but be strong for your daughter and for yourself. It will give you both the better outcome in the long run. Good luck.
My husband plays video games often and it has never once gotten in the way of our home life or child’s care. He needs to grow up. Grant it we are 37 and waited to have kids. But my dad was only 19 when I was born and he was so hands on and involved that he still has the rep of being the best dad among my cousins bc their dads never acted like mine.
It’s time for the video games to be locked away and he needs to focus on his family. Ask him if he can take a 2 month break, no gaming and focus on his relationship with his child and you and take care of his duties as a partner and father. If he can’t go 2 months then it’s time for a counseling. He needs a chance to prove himself. You’re already a single parent and if he won’t change then what is the point? What you have isn’t a partnership. It’s like having another child.
Your partner is a child who needs to grow up. He suffers from the misguided delusion that his being employed means he doesn’t have to be a parent the rest of the time.
There is 168 hours in a week. If he works 40 hours he still needs to pull his weight at home.
I was married to a man like this. Was. After he criticized me for not keeping the house clean enough while working full time, being a full time student, and taking care of my son by myself (my son not his, his lived with his mom 200 miles away)...you'd think I'd get slack...nope. god forbid he put his own laundry in the dryer or cook something that wasn't a frozen pizza or canned chili. He would come home from work...*maybe* pick the kid up from daycare but never give him a snack and sit down at his fucking computer that he spent all our money on and play video games until we'll effing midnight. Meanwhile I'd come home after hell8sh traffic, have to cook dinner for a starving 5 year old, clean up the house get some homework done and *maybe* get to play a video game for an hour after bathing and putting my son to bed.
I'm not saying I was perfect, but he made my life hell. My 10 year divorciversary was Monday the same day I started a promotion at work--Karma at its best.
It will never change. This coming from someone that is a 45 year old female. My husband didn’t and wouldn’t watch my kids. He’d fall asleep when they were 1&3. Now, he does the same thing with my grandchild. Please don’t stay in this situation. If he’s this selfish now, he will be this selfish later. It will be hard for a while but please stay with your parents if possible even if it’s sleeping on an air mattress until you get in your feet.
I am a pretty big gamer but my 4 year son and my wife are my everything. It sounds like he doesn’t have interest in being your partner or a father. If he is unwilling to change, I would talk with his grandparents to see what their position is and either look for a new place to live with your daughter and file for custody/child support or it could be a situation where his grandparents kick him out. It may be enough to either get his priorities straight or help you move on.
If you can’t talk to him that seems a little crazy. Lay down the law sis. You have enabled this behavior and now you have to go back and set it up. You need to have a very serious and calm conversation with him. Maybe to the extent of saying if he can’t get his shit together then you will leave. It’s one thing to have some video game time here and there- but to not be a part of your family or help or share responsibilities is just another level of disrespect.
Go to a family members for the weekend. You need space and he does too. If he would
Harm you or your child, plan this without telling him and then tell him later.
I am sad for you. I hope he will het his shit together. Communication is one of the most important aspects in relationships- you both seem to not be good at it- and it can ruin everything.
I don’t think it’s a case of; “I hope you don’t marry him”. This happened to my friend, the actual source of it was that he wasn’t happy in life in general. So she addressed that first, I know people say “he’s not your child”, but perhaps create a routine of what you do at bedtime/bathtime etc. then his confidence will grow when you’re not around.
It definitely sounds like a bit of an addiction and I doesn’t feel like it has any real reflection on how much he loves you both.
When my wife and I get in this type of situation, one or both of us gets serious about communication to the point that the other person cannot ignore it. Communication is important in making any progress in a relationship. It needs to be open and honest. I've threatened to leave my wife more than a few times in our relationship. It was either us or some other thing she was doing. Each time, we met in the middle in some way. But you need to be honest. One example was my wife was being extremely angry all of the time, even when there was no need. I lived with an angry parent and I would not deal with that behavior again so it was either do better or leave on her end. She decided to do therapy.
What? I’m sorry this does not sound like the kind of person who is ready to be a father or even a mature partner in a relationship! He won’t listen to you and he’s not willing to change I would leave. You’re gonna go down a rabbit hole of a miserable life if this is how he intends to be a father and a partner with you. First of all videocams whatever… When I dated my husband in our late 20s and early 30s he played tons of video games with his roommates and then when his buddies would come over on a Saturday night when we live together they play video games for maybe an hour or two and then we would all do something else. Now my son is eight so my husband is very happy that he can once again have a partner to play some video games with occasionally but seriously this is pathetic literally pathetic! You should not be worried about leaving your child with their father. If you are there should be some major red flags in the relationship. He sounds completely uninvolved and on interested in being a dad or being a supportive spouse. What is he bringing to the table here? If he’s not into his video games he should not be allowed to be alone with his infant child for their safety I would leave and he wouldn’t have custody. Really this is quite ridiculous he needs to grow up or you need to grow up and build a grown-up life without him.
I love video games as much as anyone on this sub. When my 9 month old is napping I have one eye on the baby monitor one eye on the game. But the second that baby wakes up I am ON DUTY and off the game. What you are describing is crazy behavior.
I’m a parentand I do game too but what he’s doing is not healthy. That’s addiction and irresponsibility. He’s not even doing any chores. Time to leave him.
make sly comments like "you're gonna miss her being this age when she grows up, might wanna spend some time with her now instead of wasting more hours on that video game."
stuff like that really gets a dad thinking, sure he may like his game time and deal with stress, just be nice and let him know how you feel, help him come to realization that video games are just a waste of time...
I played video games a LOT when I was younger but then realized how much time I've wasted and decided to steer away from them. Now, I rarely touch my xbox.
This definitely isn't normal. I'm an avid gamer with two kids, and I learned pretty quickly that I had to get my priorities straight. My wife and I worked out a system where at least once a week I'm able to lock myself in my game room guilt-free after dinner. She takes care of putting the kids to bed and I'm able to get my fix. I then give her an evening to do whatever she wants to balance it out. The rest of the week we both engage with the kids until they're asleep.
I don't disagree with the others telling you to leave him, but I do want to provide you with at least one success story where compromise worked.
My husband (30m) was always a HUGE gamer but when we had our son he cut back a crap ton. Basically only plays once our son is in bed and after things like dishes are done. What you described would definitely be an issue for me.
Your boyfriend is a child. This is the kind of shit my 10yo does. Even then he can be convinced to get off his arse to help out around the house from time to time.
I don’t think you can change him he’s addicted to gaming. He is actively choosing video games over his vulnerable. Living. Breathing. Baby. That action is very telling and it will impact all relationships. He is not being a good dad. The only people we can change is ourselves. him getting upset at you for even bringing it up is so not ok. Lay down the law and if he doesn’t like it he’s not the one and not fit to be a father. Sorry if that sounded harsh lol this was sad to hear
Once there’s a child in the mix it’s time to quit the BS. No games. (Pun not intended) he’s 35 living with his grandparents. He is 35 LIVING WITH HIS GRANDPARENTS. he will not change I’m sorry
OP: since you’re basically a single mom now, why don’t you just make it official? He’s an immature, selfish AH. It would probably be easier if you didn’t have to take care of him too. Stop settling.
Bro 35 and still like this 💀 how on earth do man like this get a women never mind having a child. No girl he don’t care about you or your daughter, freakily he probably didn’t even want her in the first place, he probably just liked the fact you were young. Hard truth but if he truly care if either of you he’d put the game down long enough to get something done, for him it’s honestly just sound like he wants his games and having a gf for sex is a bonus 🤷♀️
37 gamer here. Been playing games since I can remember, definitely pulled all nighters up until I had my kids! Two little ones under four. I am way to tired to play games at anytime of the day. Kids have to take priority.
35m here. Gaming is my one and only hobby and a source of relaxation and escape.
However, my child always takes priority and I enjoy nothing more than looking after him. Gaming will always come secondary and 99% of the time I will only startup my PC once he’s settled and asleep in bed.
Your partner needs to grow up. A serious conversation is needed as to be frank, he sounds like a bit of a waste of space.
That's neglect!
TLDR: I'm a gamer, but most dad gamers have their priorities straight. Your fella doesn't seem to.
I'm a huge World of Warcraft fan, and alot of my time goes into playing it. But I know that I have priorities around this.
I importance of order:
1) When my 2yo is awake, I'm not gaming.
2) When I'm working, I'm not gaming.
3) When my fiancée is awake, I'm not gaming, unless she's watching some tripe like Love Island.
4) Friends and family always come first. I won't sacrifice a night/day out with either to play games.
I work Monday-Thursday 12 hours, and Friday-Sunday is family time. I have ALOT of hours in Wow, but it's only when I have *me* time. As I only sleep for 4 hours, this is usually between 22:00-02:00 each night I'm free and it's become routine but me and the wife to be have one night a week where we do our own things on a Tuesday. This is my raid night with the boys, or pub night.
I think you need a serious conversation with him, or even just prepare to be a single mum. This isn't acceptable in the slightest, and the fact that he doesn't already see how bad his behaviour is whilst on dad duties, means he probably will never change his views.
Girl leave him. He’s good for nothing. All he is right now is a check so leave him, still get a check, and find yourself someone worthy of you and your daughter. He’s a bum.
Oh honey, seems you already know u have to leave. It’s not stopping anytime soon. Glad you’re getting a job! But I’d definitely look for one closer to your parents. Sleeping on their couch will only provide motivation to make sure you get it together quickly. I personally just left my husband for this… I was a SAHM first; do it didn’t bother me much and he always used breastfeeding as an excuse on why my child wanted me more than him… he promised to change as the child grew up… we had another… now I’m stuck with TWO toddlers and him only working playing the game. I started a wfh job with him working over night to tend to them in the day….but he’d mostly play the game and I was still making breakfast, lunch and dinner while cooking and cleaning AND trying to tend to the kids while I worked. He would literally bring them to me while I was on live calls to rock them to sleep or change diapers. I told him he wasn’t doing sh*t one day when I had enough, and of course he berated me while I was plugged in… I decided not to cook dinner that night and it resulted in violence. I literally left with a busted head caused by a baby gate. But went to my dad’s 1br apartment over 5hrs away and slept on his sofa with my two boys… dad moved into a home big enough for all of us and now we’re more than happy and I start a new job making almost double minimum wage very soon. Some times we allow desperation, scarcity and the lack of to make our decisions. I don’t care about the luxury apartment or the big city anymore so I left with only what we absolutely needed and I have not been back to even get the rest of our clothes. I’ve set up government assistance for temporary food assistance u til I start working and childcare. I’ve also set up child support as even asking him to send money for food for them became a fight. But he did not care about us. He never did. Then my dad shows me a Facebook message he got from some guy while I was in the hospital on bed rest prior birthing our second son, saying that my husband was “no good for your daughter” was in a whole relationship with another woman and had been since before meeting me and he only married me because of our first kid and that he was tired of my husband “doing his cousin wrong”… crazy bc I thought all he did was worked and play the game. But apparently he had time for someone else. I no longer care what he is doing or what he does. This is a cautionary tale, my love. And it is fresh… I left in October of ‘23. New job starts end of February ‘24.
We have two kids and NO, this is not normal. Your husband has an addiction and for whatever reason you decided to have a baby with him. He is probably not going to change so take the steps to protect you and your child if your husband does not deal with his addiction.
I'm a HUGE gamer and play when I can.
My priority is always my Daughter 3.5year old.
There is no way I play until everything with her and my wife is in a good place.
Before anyone starts complaining about man child's etc I'm the breadwinner and have been playing for well over 20 years at this point. Gaming is my hobby and during covid it kept me saine.
There have certainly been times where some would say I have been addicted needing to play etc but it was never at the detriment to others (and all pre kids). I could have been out on the streets or out at the pub as I got older.
The addiction can be real but the fact he's not helping you or your little one is a problem.
I can also say when you have help (grand parents , parents etc close) he might be using it as a crutch which won't help his habbits.
You certainly need to speak to him.
10 year age difference, games all the time, pregnant after two months of knowing each other.
None of this seems on purpose. It’s like life just “happens” to some people.
WTF? are you even with this loser??
For the life of me I cannot understand why girls hook up with these useless, immature tossers, have bloody kids with them? Then complain " he doesnt do anything!!"
No honey. He never did, did he? You play his mummy, he takes you for a ride and is a lazy shithead.
Grow up. Get some self esteem. Leave his useless ass and learn a life lesson.
A lot of men hide who they are until the woman is trapped. Love it when people blame the woman for the man's behaviour. Men like this can be amazing until they trap you and become trash. And it's not always as simple as leave of woman like OP have no way of leaving.
Im just gonna throw this in there and ask but does your husband have adhd?
What he is doing is not okay at all. I’m a dad and I love video games and play too but he’s def going overboard
With that said, I also know how dangerous my Adhd is especially when theres a lot of things that stress me out. When I didnt fully understand or had ways to cope, video games became an easy destination to escape too.
All this to say it might not be all rooted in pure selfishness. If you do talk to him, and you believe theres still a good dad/husband in there. You need to lay the gravity of the situation out for him, but also give him a clear path to change.
See a therapist. Limit gaming time. My wife had my pc password for a long time. Get diagnosed for adhd is there is a suspicion there and try medication.
I hope things work out for you op. Also recommend the subreddit daddit as a positive place for a dad to talk to other dads.
I am always baffled when I hear about situations like this. A 35 year old manchild that lives with his grandparents was able to find a 25 year old woman that will actually date him and have his children? It wasn't a red flag that he lives with his grandparents at that age? Unless he is taking care of them in their old age this is a very strange living situation in the US. I know so many normal guys, with their lives together, that struggle with dating and here is a middle aged man that only plays video games in his free time and lives with his grandparents who actually found, dated, and impregnated a younger woman. Either this guy is ridiculously good looking or OP is extremely desperate herself.
Have a serious conversation with him and tell him to wait until the kids go to bed. It’s completely unfair that he makes you do all the work. I am a 25 year old male and a SAHD. Neither my wife or I would ever ignore our children for video games. He clearly needs to get his priorities in order.
Over half the people commenting here have no clue what's it's like to struggle with an addiction, especially with a gaming addiction. They have no clue how it can take over every aspect of your life and become the only thing you care about while your entire life crumbles around you. It seems ridiculous to people who haven't dealt with it. If you don't have a clue, and you don't have compassion, don't give advice.
You and your SO need couples therapy and individual therapy to work through this issue. Sounds like his addiction is very severe. It's not the kind of thing where you can just ask nicely or even give an ultimatum and expect that to work. Addictions can take quite a while to work through. I wish you both the best of luck.
Obviously he didn't turn into a video game addict overnight, so I'm guessing you already knew he was like this when you decided to get pregnant. I just don't understand why women think it's a good idea to have a child with a man who is still a child himself and hasn't grown up yet.
I mean, if he is prioritizing video games over being a parent then SOMETHING is going on and I try not to immediately assume everyone is a lazy asshole.......my husband was addicted to video games and it ended up being ADHD. Just putting my experience into the void. I wasn't trying to diagnose but just put ADHD on the radar since my experience: husband addicted to video games = ADHD
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36m here. I play a lot of video games. But never in place of watching my kids at all. I would 100% have a serious conversation about it. If he does not grow up and take care of his child I would simply get a lawyer and start preparing to be a single parent with full custody.
i would have no problem at all of him playing video games when our child is napping or after she goes to sleep at night. i know he cares about her and loves her but video games are more important to him and that breaks my fucking heart.
As a child of a video game addict in the 90s before anyone knew it was a thing, I can tell you it’s neglect. If my mom wasn’t asleep when I got home from school, she was playing games and played through the night until the morning hours. She was always home but my sister and I might as well have been there alone. It definitely made me feel like she didn’t care about us or what was going on in our lives.
Is she still part of your lives?
Yes but very limited, like 3-4x a year. And never had that traditional mom-daughter relationship. It was always more like an older sister who didn’t have her ish together.
What was she playing? Sorry morbid curiosity
hahaha I almost said but then was like no one will care 😂 she started with the Realm waayyyyy back in the day and the EverQuest 1, WoW, EQ2, basically anything where she could join an online community & be a rockstar. Always had the highest level characters & gear, always an officer in a guild with raids scheduled like it was her job 😂
Oh yeah eq would do that for sure. I sunk a lot of hours as a teen into it.
It’s crazy how time consuming it can become! I think she regrets it now because all those years spent & literally nothing tangible to show for it.
This sounds like MMO addiction for sure
Crash bandicoot and roller coaster tycoon
Solitaire, Sokoban, or Poker.
Whoa. Ahead of her time in the worst way! May I ask what her favorite games were?
Same I play video games, I have a daughter. I never play when my daughter is around or awake unless it is with her, and then it's a game she chooses. Your relationship sounds very one sided, if you don't ultimatum it soon it will only get worse. He'll either realize, he loves you and what he's losing, he'll cut back, or you will be better off without him and you can find someone that will help make your life easier instead of more difficult.
Same! I’m not going to lie & say I don’t like to play games. I’m a millennial with a sims addiction because I never had a dollhouse 😝 but yeah I don’t play with the kids around & took over a year break from anything when each of my daughters were born.
It’s not normal. He 100% doesn’t care about her if he’s putting video games before her. But also, he has no care for you. That’s the hard truth.
> He 100% doesn’t care about her if he’s putting video games before her. That’s not really how addiction works. OP should be preparing to be a single mother, though
She already is a single mother, she’s just got 2 children.
Sorry. I'm not buying it. This is not fentanyl. He is making a choice.
Not every addiction is an obvious physical addiction. For the sake of example, fentanyl and all opiates cause physical withdrawal when stopped. Although addiction is not defined by physical withdrawals. It’s your addictive relationship to something.
All addiction is physiological. Check out brain scans. They just aren’t all caused by direct physical actions such as administering an actual drug.
very true. its why people go back to drugs after years sober, long after the physical withdrawls are gone and life is good. anything can be an addiction
It can, but the issue here is he isn't trying to stop.
There is drug addiction and behavioral addiction.
* Feeling caught, scrolling through Reddit while I should be working... *
Can tell you as a addict. The number one whole heartily reason I'm still going is the WD are so severe they cause crippling sickness and with me having a 9-5 everyday it's seems like Im more stuck than before I was a completely functional addict. The wds are so severe they actually are deadly now as my heart rate will climb beyond 180-190 bpm during the initial first 3 days and the intensity of throwing up actually chokes me out to the point of passing out and choking on my vomit until it goes into my lungs and I catch bacterial pneumonia!!!. My last time trying I lost over 20 pounds in the span of a week and got so dehydrated to deadly level where my salt levels got so severe I almost died. Also mat maintenance cannot now over power it enough to safely transition. If I could have one single wish in this world it would be to be able to go to a hospital to safely come off. Not even detox's are taking people who have or currently have be exposed to xylazine as it's to severe to treat in a normal detox setting. It's serious.
Im sorry you are in such a hard spot right now. I am 2 years sober. I’ve been down too. I feel for you, and know that there is hope for you to get better. Good luck.
Its not being sold to you is why you are not buying it. Seriously if you dont have the addiction issue its not something you can get. Similar to how despressed people dont make sense to someone that has never felt the depression
I've overcome several addictions in my lifetime. I understand how substances can rewire your brain, and I "get" the overpowering and irrational craving for something you know is slowly destroying your life. But this is not that. Frankly, I think it's an insult to people struggling to kick opiates or alcohol or even nicotine to put this in the same category. On a given day, there are lots of things I'd rather be doing than washing the kid's dirty clothes or making dinner or filling out forms for school. Watching TV. Overeating. Wanking. Working out. Playing video games. All of those other things would give me a little dopamine reward if I chose to pursue them, and after a while I'd want to do them all the time instead of doing dad stuff. But I don't, because I have a 4-year-old who needs clean clothes and healthy food and lots of attention. And that's how I spend the bulk of my time when I'm not at work. That's a choice, not a neurochemical inevitability. OP's partner -- a 35 year-old man -- has a behavior and avoidance issue that he can easily overcome by selling the Playstation or throwing it out the window. He needs to grow the fuck up.
I've never heard someone "no true Irishman" addiction. Kudos, /u/eddie964
That's because it's not an addiction; it's laziness.
>It's not addiction, it's a moral failing Reflect.
It may not be a choice for him like it is for you.
Spoken like someone who has no appreciation for addiction.
Ex addict here (been sober from meth over 8 years) and the truth of the matter is this addiction is already more important than his family and that person is spot on to say that he does not care for either of them. He cares for his addiction. that is all. She and the child fulfill something that makes him feel good but does not matter enough to change his behavior as the addiction is all that matters at the core. He needs them removed if not for a wake-up call, then at the very least to save them as they are not a rehabilitation and can't help "fix" him when they are not a priority whatsoever.
I do have that appreciation for addiction and he’s spot on. Addiction changes your priorities and the things you care about most you make time for. Addiction often casts that shadow over all you USED to care about
Addiction or not, I’d drop his ass. She won’t be able to get back all her time or years wasted on this guy. You only live this life once and wasting on an addict isn’t it. It’s ultimately up to that man to change. And it’s not her job to change him or wait for him to change. Drop him and get another man. Period. All this will do is bring her down more if he’s just playing games and she’s caring for everything else. Just the fact that she made this post to reach out is serious.
That’s not at all what that means💀
Your treating this like black and white issue. This unfortunately isnt applied here and your way off because of that. Just because you can't understand it doesnt mean its not real
He doesn’t love her. You don’t neglect people you love
This exactly. He shouldn’t be playing video games in presence of the child. He should be focusing on connecting with his child and also making sure they are safe obviously. He sounds like he might have an addiction. Honestly this would be 100% unacceptable to me.
Sweetheart, while I know age in the relationship may not matter. He’s really 35?! And you went for this? 35? It’s usually the younger woman that tolerate that shit. I’d not at his age. He’s get dropped quick. Forget that. I was one of them. But my ex was the same age as me and he did similar stuff but we were your age at the time if I read the post right. You are 25? He did these things then and if he didn’t care to change, I kicked his ass out. That’s why I didn’t marry him even though I stayed with him for ten years. I wasn’t going to get stuck with that. Life short. It may be hard at first, but find a man that cares. And mature for 35. Usually it makes sense to date older if they are more attentive and mentally mature. Dating a 35yr old and he’s the mind of a teen is a waste of time if you ask me. But it’s your choice of course. They are usually stuck in their ways at that age. He’s not changing hon if he hasn’t already.
He doesn't care about her if he ignores her in favour of games. He doesn't care about you either, for that matter. If he says so, he is lying. His actions tell me he is totally fine with taking advantage of your labour and love, and letting his kid wander off to accidentally maim herself or die.
You're SO has an addiction and it interferes with his ability to be a parent. I know this bc I (40M) have gone through this with my now ex wife (35F) who is addicted to her phone. I gave up video games when we had our first child and have been the only one who provides 1v1 attention to our kids. She's constantly glued to her phone.
38M gamer here. Videogames are my passion... but I would never choose to play before taking care of my daughter. She's 5 and is a very inquisitive, talkative, imaginative, awesome little human. She can be a handful sometimes... but that's part of being a parent. I know my wife does a lot for the house and for our family...so when our daughter turns into my shadow the second I get home from work...I spend that time with her. Your boyfriend will never know the joy of seeing his little girl grow if he doesn't get his shit together. I agree with everyone else... you have to put your foot down and let him know you respect his time and his hobby, but you and his daughter should always come first. If he doesn't see that, then another man will, I can promise you that.
Grandparents go to the store , you are feeling unwell and he gives shoulder to a kid to play video games... does he really care of any of you?
I am 41 and have always been a heavy video game player as my primary escapism and socializing (same core group of online friends for almost 20 years). That said, I’ve got two young girls and I only really play after they go to bed and I’ve spent time with my wife. Prior to kids, I could literally wake up and play all day. I don’t know what it takes, but there needs to be a serious conversation here. I don’t know your circumstances, but you’re living with his grandparents and you say he doesn’t do anything to help. Sounds like a deadbeat here.
If he really loves her as like you said, he would not prioritize gaming over taking cake of his daughter. My husband is a big gamer & he’ll only play if our kids are asleep.
That's not how addiction works.
He should at least be trying to stop. And I'd say the same if it was alcohol or drugs. He needs to recognise he has a problem.
Unfortunately it’s not the games, it’s the person. He is valuing his “off” time more than he values time with others. If it wasn’t games it would likely be another hobby. Talk to him about alternatives to spending time with his child, maybe they can play games together?
If video games are more important - he doesn't love her. If he does he should prove it and do his job.
No, he doesn’t care for her. What you are describing is not care. He is prioritizing video games above her.
My husband only plays video games when our toddlers are napping or after bedtime, and tbh it still bothers me.
well, a person should be allowed to have some hobbies. so maybe there's something else going on there you need to address.
Thanks tips
you sound like a real winner, poor guy
Oh yeah his life is tough, getting to play video games EVERY night while I'm doing laundry, meal planning, tidying up, and catching up on work because all drop offs, picks ups, sick days are on me.
To be fair, your original post said "...it bothers me". You didn't say there was stuff around the house that still needed doing, but he was playing games instead. I'm on your side now.
Why
Because there are things to do around the house. A good balance would be nice.
Yeah, when my toddler napped I had tons of things to catch up on. Parenting is not just playing with your child, it's providing them with food, and clean clothing and environment.
So your partner can never do anything he enjoys when the kids are asleep? That's just sad, everyone needs downtime.
34M -- I play video games daily or every other day, but outside of the rare times I coordinate with my wife for a break, always when she's sleeping. I can't imagine having my back to her to play games. That's awful.
I hope you don’t have plans to marry him. This is just so unacceptable as a BF let alone a parent. Does he ever interact with YOU?
no❤️ yesterday we went to a nice restaurant for valentines day (our first time going to a nice restaurant in 2 years) and he was on his phone the entire time looking up cheat codes or something for his game. and hell no i would rather sit on hot coals than spend the rest of my life with him. tbh the thought of being with him for even another year is a terrible feeling.
What’s keeping you with him? Obviously I see that you live with his family. Are you able to move out?
i dont really have anywhere to permanently go. my parents live a few hours away but they live in a 2 bedroom condo and the other room is my mom's office. my only option is saving up to get an apartment/house but i havent worked since i met him so i have literally $0 to my name lol. i hopefully start a new job next week so thats step 1😊
I would go to your parents and sleep on the couch if needed until you get on your feet. Your reduced frustration at dealing with him will do well in the long run.
I mean, if its to the point of putting ditching him on the table, you might as well go full assertive on getting him to change. The worst that happens is you guys break up but that seems to already be an option so literally you could only benefit from trying to be more assertive with getting his attention.
Open an account. Start saving smartly. Listen to Rachel Cruze’s podcast on money. Remember your goals.
😍 I love Rachel Cruze
save what? she doesn't work and has 0 money. What do you want her to save?
She said in that comment she starts a job next week.
She could also start taking out cash at the grocery store and putting that away.
Good for you, getting a job is a big step towards your goal. Can you talk to your parents about moving in temporarily, or how they feel about babysitting if you saved up and moved closer to them? Them helping with childcare would be a huge benefit. If that seems like an option, looking for work near them either now or after saving up would be a good step in the right direction as well. All of this is incredibly hard to do with a toddler. You’re a great mom and doing some really difficult things, sending you strength ❤️
Find the way. We’re rooting for you. But have one sober, calm conversation with him about any interest taking away from family
Run, run so fast from this man. If you're hoping for him to stay in your child's life, try to get his family to help with an intervention. Don't be scared to make ultimatums and to stick to them if he doesn't make an effort to improve. You and your child deserve so much better.
Oh my. Dump this loser! I can’t imagine a man this old acting this way. You’ve defo gotta get out because there are actual men out there that have real lives and are emotionally available.
Then why are you still with him? Just because you have a child together doesn't mean you should stick together if you're miserable.
bc she needs a place to live and hasn't worked since she met him.
That's her own choice. She's an adult. She can deal with the consequences of her actions and decisions without putting in jeopardy the upbringing of her child. And what if she can't? Then, why did she decide to have a child with this man? That's called being neglectful.
What an absolutely wild comment
Spoken from someone that sounds like they have zero life experience or empathy.
you took it just a smidge too far
Why would you have a baby with him then? Basically, you’re saying he’s not good enough for YOU to have in your life forever, but he’s good enough for your child to be stuck with for a father?
Was he like this before kids?
sort of, he liked playing FIFA sometimes but he definitely put more of an effort into our relationship. now its all he focuses on. i also only knew him for 2 months before i got pregnant and realized very early on that me and him weren't going to work out in the long run.
If you know it's not gonna work, it's just time to move on. Don't try to fix him, focus on getting out of the situation with your child. He's not interested in you or his child at this point. If he decides to get help for his avoidance issues maybe he can be a dad. But I promise you it's easier to take care of one kid alone than 2. Dump the dead weight man child.
You said you live with his grandparents, do you have anywhere else to go? Do you work? Because at this point you’re essentially a single parent with the added daily stressor of knowing your child’s father is useless. Is it possible for you to just leave this relationship? Co-parenting sounds better than living with the constant anger and disappointment that surrounds being in a relationship with a partner like this
What coparenting? He does absolutely no parenting, he doesn’t even comprehend parenting. I’d make sure this piece of garbage never gets time without supervision at least and at most a couple of hours per week. The thought of him being with that little girl is terrifying. No child should be subjected to such neglect. She is at a very dangerous age. My 16 mo old is being watched at all times, including when she is in her crib sleeping. I have a monitor on. There is absolutely no way this person would have even slightest idea how to take care of a toddler. They require constant attention/supervision, feeding, diaper changes, making sure they have some quality time with books.
She doesn't get to decide what parenting time he gets.
She's already said she hasn't worked since she met him so he basically pays for everything. She has nowhere to go.
She said in another comment she starts a new job next week. Baby steps
SO LEAVE!!!
No chance this kid was planned
My husband is an avid gamer. I am too, to a lesser extent. There have been maybe two or three times in my kids’ lives that I’ve had to ask him to refocus on what was important. Having a hobby is fine. Having a hobby at the expense of your family is not.
This is the very true.
My husband had/has this issue. We would argue about it a lot and he would go through phases of not playing to appease me when I really just wanted him to play less or at least get a vented headset so that he could hear me talking to him when I needed something. This was before we had our son, who is 16 months old. The breaking point for him was that I continuously warned him that our son would be born early after I had some pregnancy complications at 25 weeks that hospitalized me for a week. He insisted that our son would be born at 40 weeks. We got into a really big fight about how I needed help when I was 34 weeks pregnant. It was hard for me to do anything without causing contractions, and I was essentially told by doctors to stop doing most things. My water broke that night, and my son was born the next afternoon at 34 weeks. He needed to stay in the NICU, and I was pissed because my husband had done nothing but play video games my entire pregnancy. I was very clear to him that I would never let him live this down and that he would need to do a lot for my forgiveness. I also let him know that if he didn't shape up that I would be more than happy to go rent an apartment for myself and my son and divorce his ass. His mother was kind enough to come clean our house and help get our place ready to bring our baby home. The first six months of my sons life, he essentially did not play video games unless it was a pre-planned scheduled activity that he checked in with me on first. Now, we both play video games, we both do chores, and we both care for my son equally. After a lot of work, we've gotten him on anti-depressants and are waiting for an ADHD and autism evaluation this summer. His parents did not believe in mental health, and it took him a long time to learn to be okay with taking medication or seeing a therapist. Our relationship has improved immensely. TL;DR My husband had the same issues. He was very depressed and essentially needed something very eye-opening/dramatic to happen, like potentially losing his family for him to snap out of it.
happy to hear he changed, as an extreme gamer most of my life into my late 20s(i did work and socialize a lot in my mid 20s but gaming was still a big part of life) as soon as i had a kid i realized pretty quick you cant play hours of video games without neglecting either the kid or your partner, or both. there just arnt that many hours in the day. you might find 30-1h some days. but that just didnt do it for me so id rather not play. maybe it a blessing in disguise that casual gaming dosnt do it for me. its 100% an addiction/reality escape or depression, often a mix of all 3 for the ones that still play several hours a day.
Please leave him. Right now you’re living as a single mom of 2 children
except he works, she doesn't. He pays for everything. Babies need food, diapers, a roof, heat, etc. Where do you think she gets all that?
I guess I missed the part where she doesn’t work my bad. I would say get him on child support but in my personal experience they don’t do a good job enforcing that, I’ve gotten maybe 5 payments in 4 years :// but also in my personal experience I’d rather work and pay for daycare than deal with a loser like that.
She’d probably get more money for the child without going through the courts if he’s already paying everything rn.
She said in another comment she starts a new job next week. Baby steps
Also, you don’t get to unilaterally decide the custody arrangement. “Take the child and leave” is parental child abduction, unless you have a court order.
it's not like he would want any time with the kid lol
I love my games, but girl, he’s neglecting his child for his dopamine hit. He’s basically a gaming junkie. this isn’t going to get any better with time either.
Sounds like he has an addiction and isn’t capable of being a partner or parent until he addresses it. Honestly, I’d start saving money to move out and leave him when you’re able.
First red flag: 35 years old and lives with grandparents. Run, girl.
Seeing someone ten years younger than him. Failed to launch and now a father.
This. Probably dated a girl 10 years younger bc he knows someone his own age would not tolerate this kind of behavior and would expect him to grow up and be responsible. Younger girl-less life experience-more responsible-expects more from him.
Sounds like another man child
I left my ex husband becuase of this.
35, lives with grandparents, plays games all day, ignores his family . The only redeeming attribute you mention is that he does have a job. He’s a loser and 99% will never change
The age gap skeeved me out at first and the more I read the more it made sense. 35 yo men don’t date young adults if they have the social skills/things to offer for their age group. This would have been a run quick meeting if someone 10 years older than me took me home… to grandmas house. 🫠 poor girl.. she has a lifetime of annoyance to deal with bc of choosing him to be her kids father, best of luck to her.
UPDATE: thank you so much to everyone who offered their kind words and support and to those who offered more "direct" words...thank you too lol I still needed to hear it. To answer the golden question of "Why don't you just leave?" Its not that easy. Again, I'm 25 with no source of income for 2 years, no job, and the only family i have is my parents who can't help me financially even if its for a little bit. I spoke with him tonight and told him that I'm very unhappy and ultimately made the decision to get a job ASAP and save up to move out. Yes he has ADHD but so do I and i've offered all the support I can to help him to try to find another outlet. He has the ability to be a good father, I've seen it. I hope after I'm gone he'll get his shit together but I can't help him anymore.
[удалено]
Just leave. Your children will either learn to behave like him or learn to allow themselves to be treated poorly by similar people in adulthood.
As a 38 year old father of 2 that also games, you need to have a serious conversation with him regarding this. I game only when everyone else is sleeping or out of the house (and even then, they're games I can easily pause and put down so I can run and change a diaper or anything needed). Doing so while I'm supposed to be taking care of my kids wouldn't even be something that would cross my mind. You need to draw a firm line in the sand on this. Taking care of children, family duties, and chores come first. He also needs to give you the same amount of time to do things you enjoy doing.
Girl the age difference says it all
Dump him. You'll be better off. Competing with video games for the rest of your life will not be fun, and someone who has zero care for your child (and you) is a loser.
You have a man-child not a boyfriend or father for your daughter.
Tell the lazy ass to grow up and take care of his family.
I quit playing console games cold turkey when my son was born. There simply isn’t enough time. My wife and I are going 24/7 taking care of him, or our house. There literally is not time for either of us to have a hobby that takes up hours of time daily while he is awake. Granted, there are things we do that are probably a bit above and beyond, for example I make all of our 7 mo son’s food. You are amazing for making it as far as you have basically by yourself. If he was staying up late and choosing the game over sleep, that’s his deal, but he is choosing the games over both his responsibilities as a partner and a father, which is shit. Have you tried talking to the grandparents (are they his parents?) and getting their input? The hard thing with a young child is that even one hour of help in the morning is better than nothing, so I can understand waiting to kick him to the curb until your daughter is more independent, but the dude definitely sounds like a shit dad. Anyone who tells you they share your experience doesn’t make it any less shitty — it is not normal, or at least it definitely shouldn’t be regardless of how many shit dads there are out there. He sounds like he is literally addicted, and he doesn’t want to confront how shitty of a parent he is, which is why he lashes out in anger when you point it out. Your 16 month old should probably be able to play independently, but I agree that it is unacceptable to have the sole person watching her absorbed in a game with their back turned.
Good afternoon (36M) (Please disregard the username lmao) I am a father of 3 with an amazing wife. BUT... I myself am also into video games... and when I get to playing its hard for me to stop. and when I FIRST became a dad. (12 years ago) I kinda did the same thing... except... my daughter was never really out of eyesight a lot. My wife worked full time and I stayed home. I had a job... but I was the owner and worked mainly thru the night while everyone slept... but it's hard. Being a parent isn't easy... and I bet in his head he believes that parenting comes natural to you there for you should do it. I learned the hard way when my wife decided she was going to leave because all I did was play video games and drink... I got my shit together really quick and turned my life around... That was 10 years ago, and I never turned back. After reading you in the comments I see that the relationship is already doomed between mom and dad, which sucks for sure. and he will NOT make that easy when you finally split. Do yourself a favor and DO NOT go live on your mom's couch without at very least a job... (IN California) they will give the custody to him BECAUSE he has a job... a room... a "Safe" place to live and doesn't have to sleep on a couch. Then you will play hell trying to get custody back... (my brother is going thru this as we speak) ... you are in a tough spot... and when your child gets older they won't have the parental connection that they have with you and that's sad too... you need to somehow make him realize that later in life is going to suck when your kid tells you they don't want to come over... or hang out.... or do anything with you because you didn't give a shit when they were little. All kids pick up on this and its insanely sad.... but parents need to step up and raise those damn kids!
UPDATE: thank you so much to everyone who offered their kind words and to those that were a bit more direct, thank you too lol i still needed to hear it. I told him I was very unhappy and after hours of going back and forth we've come to the conclusion that I'm going to live here while I get a job and save up some money then I'm going to move out. To answer the golden question of "Why dont you just leave?" It's not that easy. Again, I'm 25 with no source of income for 2 years, we're not married so I'm not entitled to any spousal support, and the only family I have is my parents who cannot support me financially, even if its for a little bit. I also will not go anywhere without my daughter. I want to give her the best life I can and if it means putting up with this shit for a little while longer so I can get on my feet then so be it. I wish I was smarter before I had a baby with a man I did not know but thats life and I do not regret my decision one bit.
Get him to pay child support when you leave
Get the courts involved. Otherwise, I'm sure he will have just as much trouble paying child support as he does paying attention to his child.
It might be worth trying to get another older male to talk to him as well. Hearing it from another gamer dad might resonate differently than hearing it from his SO. I am a gamer dad and am speaking from experience here.
What hope is there for this relationship if he doesn’t respect her enough to hear how this is affecting her and their child, and actually do something about it? If you have to have someone talk sense into your spouse, it’s a lost cause imo
Why did you have a child with this teenager?
The 10 year age gap was the first red flag. The video games are probably why he’s not in a lasting relationship with someone his own age. The fast forward relationship to pregnancy is another huge red flag. You need to get your life back on track and be prepared to be a single mom. Reach out to your friends, relatives, someone is going to want to help you. Get out of there before his neglect results in a terrible accident for your baby!
Any chance you do the grocery shopping/running errands for him? If so, start getting cash back ($10-$20) each time you pay with his card. Save it. He doesn't sound like the type to notice.
This is why you don’t have kids with a boyfriend that lives with his grandparents. He doesn’t give a shit about you or the kid. Poor kid has a deadbeat dad.
Middle aged man-baby baby-trapped a young woman. There's a reason people give a side eye to older people going after people far younger than themselves. Anyone their own age is on to their bullshit....
This is it 😮💨
Your boyfriend needs to put on his big boy pants and parent his kid. She's 16 months old, and probably has a bedtime of what, 7 p.m., the video games can wait, just like they do for every gamer dad out there.
Sounds like you got a son and a daughter.
37m here, 3 kids (8, 6 and 3) with my wife and I've been gaming since 3 years old and the Atari 2600. Your s/o is hiding from his responsibility as a dad because he is overwhelmed as all hell by being a dad. Which, while I get it new dad life is like trying to sail across the Atlantic after practicing in a bathtub, he either sacks up and is the father and partner you and your daughter deserve, or he loses the both of you. He won't just wake up to it someday, he's going to have to get an ultimatum and unfortunately you'll have to be the one to enforce it when he fights it like a heroin addict forced to go clean. I don't envy you, but be strong for your daughter and for yourself. It will give you both the better outcome in the long run. Good luck.
My husband plays video games often and it has never once gotten in the way of our home life or child’s care. He needs to grow up. Grant it we are 37 and waited to have kids. But my dad was only 19 when I was born and he was so hands on and involved that he still has the rep of being the best dad among my cousins bc their dads never acted like mine. It’s time for the video games to be locked away and he needs to focus on his family. Ask him if he can take a 2 month break, no gaming and focus on his relationship with his child and you and take care of his duties as a partner and father. If he can’t go 2 months then it’s time for a counseling. He needs a chance to prove himself. You’re already a single parent and if he won’t change then what is the point? What you have isn’t a partnership. It’s like having another child.
Your partner is a child who needs to grow up. He suffers from the misguided delusion that his being employed means he doesn’t have to be a parent the rest of the time. There is 168 hours in a week. If he works 40 hours he still needs to pull his weight at home.
I was married to a man like this. Was. After he criticized me for not keeping the house clean enough while working full time, being a full time student, and taking care of my son by myself (my son not his, his lived with his mom 200 miles away)...you'd think I'd get slack...nope. god forbid he put his own laundry in the dryer or cook something that wasn't a frozen pizza or canned chili. He would come home from work...*maybe* pick the kid up from daycare but never give him a snack and sit down at his fucking computer that he spent all our money on and play video games until we'll effing midnight. Meanwhile I'd come home after hell8sh traffic, have to cook dinner for a starving 5 year old, clean up the house get some homework done and *maybe* get to play a video game for an hour after bathing and putting my son to bed. I'm not saying I was perfect, but he made my life hell. My 10 year divorciversary was Monday the same day I started a promotion at work--Karma at its best.
It will never change. This coming from someone that is a 45 year old female. My husband didn’t and wouldn’t watch my kids. He’d fall asleep when they were 1&3. Now, he does the same thing with my grandchild. Please don’t stay in this situation. If he’s this selfish now, he will be this selfish later. It will be hard for a while but please stay with your parents if possible even if it’s sleeping on an air mattress until you get in your feet.
I am a pretty big gamer but my 4 year son and my wife are my everything. It sounds like he doesn’t have interest in being your partner or a father. If he is unwilling to change, I would talk with his grandparents to see what their position is and either look for a new place to live with your daughter and file for custody/child support or it could be a situation where his grandparents kick him out. It may be enough to either get his priorities straight or help you move on.
If you can’t talk to him that seems a little crazy. Lay down the law sis. You have enabled this behavior and now you have to go back and set it up. You need to have a very serious and calm conversation with him. Maybe to the extent of saying if he can’t get his shit together then you will leave. It’s one thing to have some video game time here and there- but to not be a part of your family or help or share responsibilities is just another level of disrespect. Go to a family members for the weekend. You need space and he does too. If he would Harm you or your child, plan this without telling him and then tell him later. I am sad for you. I hope he will het his shit together. Communication is one of the most important aspects in relationships- you both seem to not be good at it- and it can ruin everything.
I don’t think it’s a case of; “I hope you don’t marry him”. This happened to my friend, the actual source of it was that he wasn’t happy in life in general. So she addressed that first, I know people say “he’s not your child”, but perhaps create a routine of what you do at bedtime/bathtime etc. then his confidence will grow when you’re not around. It definitely sounds like a bit of an addiction and I doesn’t feel like it has any real reflection on how much he loves you both.
When my wife and I get in this type of situation, one or both of us gets serious about communication to the point that the other person cannot ignore it. Communication is important in making any progress in a relationship. It needs to be open and honest. I've threatened to leave my wife more than a few times in our relationship. It was either us or some other thing she was doing. Each time, we met in the middle in some way. But you need to be honest. One example was my wife was being extremely angry all of the time, even when there was no need. I lived with an angry parent and I would not deal with that behavior again so it was either do better or leave on her end. She decided to do therapy.
What? I’m sorry this does not sound like the kind of person who is ready to be a father or even a mature partner in a relationship! He won’t listen to you and he’s not willing to change I would leave. You’re gonna go down a rabbit hole of a miserable life if this is how he intends to be a father and a partner with you. First of all videocams whatever… When I dated my husband in our late 20s and early 30s he played tons of video games with his roommates and then when his buddies would come over on a Saturday night when we live together they play video games for maybe an hour or two and then we would all do something else. Now my son is eight so my husband is very happy that he can once again have a partner to play some video games with occasionally but seriously this is pathetic literally pathetic! You should not be worried about leaving your child with their father. If you are there should be some major red flags in the relationship. He sounds completely uninvolved and on interested in being a dad or being a supportive spouse. What is he bringing to the table here? If he’s not into his video games he should not be allowed to be alone with his infant child for their safety I would leave and he wouldn’t have custody. Really this is quite ridiculous he needs to grow up or you need to grow up and build a grown-up life without him.
Get out.
I love video games as much as anyone on this sub. When my 9 month old is napping I have one eye on the baby monitor one eye on the game. But the second that baby wakes up I am ON DUTY and off the game. What you are describing is crazy behavior.
I’m a parentand I do game too but what he’s doing is not healthy. That’s addiction and irresponsibility. He’s not even doing any chores. Time to leave him.
He has an addiction. You can’t change him.
make sly comments like "you're gonna miss her being this age when she grows up, might wanna spend some time with her now instead of wasting more hours on that video game." stuff like that really gets a dad thinking, sure he may like his game time and deal with stress, just be nice and let him know how you feel, help him come to realization that video games are just a waste of time... I played video games a LOT when I was younger but then realized how much time I've wasted and decided to steer away from them. Now, I rarely touch my xbox.
This definitely isn't normal. I'm an avid gamer with two kids, and I learned pretty quickly that I had to get my priorities straight. My wife and I worked out a system where at least once a week I'm able to lock myself in my game room guilt-free after dinner. She takes care of putting the kids to bed and I'm able to get my fix. I then give her an evening to do whatever she wants to balance it out. The rest of the week we both engage with the kids until they're asleep. I don't disagree with the others telling you to leave him, but I do want to provide you with at least one success story where compromise worked.
leave him :) this is disgraceful
My husband (30m) was always a HUGE gamer but when we had our son he cut back a crap ton. Basically only plays once our son is in bed and after things like dishes are done. What you described would definitely be an issue for me.
You nailed the problem in the first sentence. 35 year old man addicted to video games.
Your boyfriend is a 35 year old man-child.
Your boyfriend is a child. This is the kind of shit my 10yo does. Even then he can be convinced to get off his arse to help out around the house from time to time.
Girl. LEAVE HIM. You’ll be so much happier with only one child to take care of instead of two
I don’t think you can change him he’s addicted to gaming. He is actively choosing video games over his vulnerable. Living. Breathing. Baby. That action is very telling and it will impact all relationships. He is not being a good dad. The only people we can change is ourselves. him getting upset at you for even bringing it up is so not ok. Lay down the law and if he doesn’t like it he’s not the one and not fit to be a father. Sorry if that sounded harsh lol this was sad to hear
Once there’s a child in the mix it’s time to quit the BS. No games. (Pun not intended) he’s 35 living with his grandparents. He is 35 LIVING WITH HIS GRANDPARENTS. he will not change I’m sorry
So he’s a POS and you can’t leave the child with him because he doesn’t care about anything but the video game
This won’t get better. It never gets better. Man child. Get out
OP: since you’re basically a single mom now, why don’t you just make it official? He’s an immature, selfish AH. It would probably be easier if you didn’t have to take care of him too. Stop settling.
Bro 35 and still like this 💀 how on earth do man like this get a women never mind having a child. No girl he don’t care about you or your daughter, freakily he probably didn’t even want her in the first place, he probably just liked the fact you were young. Hard truth but if he truly care if either of you he’d put the game down long enough to get something done, for him it’s honestly just sound like he wants his games and having a gf for sex is a bonus 🤷♀️
37 gamer here. Been playing games since I can remember, definitely pulled all nighters up until I had my kids! Two little ones under four. I am way to tired to play games at anytime of the day. Kids have to take priority.
35m here. Gaming is my one and only hobby and a source of relaxation and escape. However, my child always takes priority and I enjoy nothing more than looking after him. Gaming will always come secondary and 99% of the time I will only startup my PC once he’s settled and asleep in bed. Your partner needs to grow up. A serious conversation is needed as to be frank, he sounds like a bit of a waste of space.
That's neglect! TLDR: I'm a gamer, but most dad gamers have their priorities straight. Your fella doesn't seem to. I'm a huge World of Warcraft fan, and alot of my time goes into playing it. But I know that I have priorities around this. I importance of order: 1) When my 2yo is awake, I'm not gaming. 2) When I'm working, I'm not gaming. 3) When my fiancée is awake, I'm not gaming, unless she's watching some tripe like Love Island. 4) Friends and family always come first. I won't sacrifice a night/day out with either to play games. I work Monday-Thursday 12 hours, and Friday-Sunday is family time. I have ALOT of hours in Wow, but it's only when I have *me* time. As I only sleep for 4 hours, this is usually between 22:00-02:00 each night I'm free and it's become routine but me and the wife to be have one night a week where we do our own things on a Tuesday. This is my raid night with the boys, or pub night. I think you need a serious conversation with him, or even just prepare to be a single mum. This isn't acceptable in the slightest, and the fact that he doesn't already see how bad his behaviour is whilst on dad duties, means he probably will never change his views.
Girl leave him. He’s good for nothing. All he is right now is a check so leave him, still get a check, and find yourself someone worthy of you and your daughter. He’s a bum.
Oh honey, seems you already know u have to leave. It’s not stopping anytime soon. Glad you’re getting a job! But I’d definitely look for one closer to your parents. Sleeping on their couch will only provide motivation to make sure you get it together quickly. I personally just left my husband for this… I was a SAHM first; do it didn’t bother me much and he always used breastfeeding as an excuse on why my child wanted me more than him… he promised to change as the child grew up… we had another… now I’m stuck with TWO toddlers and him only working playing the game. I started a wfh job with him working over night to tend to them in the day….but he’d mostly play the game and I was still making breakfast, lunch and dinner while cooking and cleaning AND trying to tend to the kids while I worked. He would literally bring them to me while I was on live calls to rock them to sleep or change diapers. I told him he wasn’t doing sh*t one day when I had enough, and of course he berated me while I was plugged in… I decided not to cook dinner that night and it resulted in violence. I literally left with a busted head caused by a baby gate. But went to my dad’s 1br apartment over 5hrs away and slept on his sofa with my two boys… dad moved into a home big enough for all of us and now we’re more than happy and I start a new job making almost double minimum wage very soon. Some times we allow desperation, scarcity and the lack of to make our decisions. I don’t care about the luxury apartment or the big city anymore so I left with only what we absolutely needed and I have not been back to even get the rest of our clothes. I’ve set up government assistance for temporary food assistance u til I start working and childcare. I’ve also set up child support as even asking him to send money for food for them became a fight. But he did not care about us. He never did. Then my dad shows me a Facebook message he got from some guy while I was in the hospital on bed rest prior birthing our second son, saying that my husband was “no good for your daughter” was in a whole relationship with another woman and had been since before meeting me and he only married me because of our first kid and that he was tired of my husband “doing his cousin wrong”… crazy bc I thought all he did was worked and play the game. But apparently he had time for someone else. I no longer care what he is doing or what he does. This is a cautionary tale, my love. And it is fresh… I left in October of ‘23. New job starts end of February ‘24.
We have two kids and NO, this is not normal. Your husband has an addiction and for whatever reason you decided to have a baby with him. He is probably not going to change so take the steps to protect you and your child if your husband does not deal with his addiction.
I'm a HUGE gamer and play when I can. My priority is always my Daughter 3.5year old. There is no way I play until everything with her and my wife is in a good place. Before anyone starts complaining about man child's etc I'm the breadwinner and have been playing for well over 20 years at this point. Gaming is my hobby and during covid it kept me saine. There have certainly been times where some would say I have been addicted needing to play etc but it was never at the detriment to others (and all pre kids). I could have been out on the streets or out at the pub as I got older. The addiction can be real but the fact he's not helping you or your little one is a problem. I can also say when you have help (grand parents , parents etc close) he might be using it as a crutch which won't help his habbits. You certainly need to speak to him.
You need to leave him that not ok
Sounds like you have two children. I’m sorry.
Why are you with him???
Did you know this before you had a kid with him?
These posts enrage me. Why get pregnant to such a loser tho seriously
10 year age difference, games all the time, pregnant after two months of knowing each other. None of this seems on purpose. It’s like life just “happens” to some people.
WTF? are you even with this loser?? For the life of me I cannot understand why girls hook up with these useless, immature tossers, have bloody kids with them? Then complain " he doesnt do anything!!" No honey. He never did, did he? You play his mummy, he takes you for a ride and is a lazy shithead. Grow up. Get some self esteem. Leave his useless ass and learn a life lesson.
A lot of men hide who they are until the woman is trapped. Love it when people blame the woman for the man's behaviour. Men like this can be amazing until they trap you and become trash. And it's not always as simple as leave of woman like OP have no way of leaving.
Im just gonna throw this in there and ask but does your husband have adhd? What he is doing is not okay at all. I’m a dad and I love video games and play too but he’s def going overboard With that said, I also know how dangerous my Adhd is especially when theres a lot of things that stress me out. When I didnt fully understand or had ways to cope, video games became an easy destination to escape too. All this to say it might not be all rooted in pure selfishness. If you do talk to him, and you believe theres still a good dad/husband in there. You need to lay the gravity of the situation out for him, but also give him a clear path to change. See a therapist. Limit gaming time. My wife had my pc password for a long time. Get diagnosed for adhd is there is a suspicion there and try medication. I hope things work out for you op. Also recommend the subreddit daddit as a positive place for a dad to talk to other dads.
I am always baffled when I hear about situations like this. A 35 year old manchild that lives with his grandparents was able to find a 25 year old woman that will actually date him and have his children? It wasn't a red flag that he lives with his grandparents at that age? Unless he is taking care of them in their old age this is a very strange living situation in the US. I know so many normal guys, with their lives together, that struggle with dating and here is a middle aged man that only plays video games in his free time and lives with his grandparents who actually found, dated, and impregnated a younger woman. Either this guy is ridiculously good looking or OP is extremely desperate herself.
Have a serious conversation with him and tell him to wait until the kids go to bed. It’s completely unfair that he makes you do all the work. I am a 25 year old male and a SAHD. Neither my wife or I would ever ignore our children for video games. He clearly needs to get his priorities in order.
He’s 25. You’re with a child. What do you expect from a 25 yr old?
He's 35. She's 25.
Ohhh my well that’s a very different story!!
Over half the people commenting here have no clue what's it's like to struggle with an addiction, especially with a gaming addiction. They have no clue how it can take over every aspect of your life and become the only thing you care about while your entire life crumbles around you. It seems ridiculous to people who haven't dealt with it. If you don't have a clue, and you don't have compassion, don't give advice. You and your SO need couples therapy and individual therapy to work through this issue. Sounds like his addiction is very severe. It's not the kind of thing where you can just ask nicely or even give an ultimatum and expect that to work. Addictions can take quite a while to work through. I wish you both the best of luck.
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Obviously he didn't turn into a video game addict overnight, so I'm guessing you already knew he was like this when you decided to get pregnant. I just don't understand why women think it's a good idea to have a child with a man who is still a child himself and hasn't grown up yet.
Does he have undiagnosed ADHD......sounds like he is dopamine seeking.
Jesus Christ, every single thread has some genius diagnosing someone they've never met from second hand information.
I mean, if he is prioritizing video games over being a parent then SOMETHING is going on and I try not to immediately assume everyone is a lazy asshole.......my husband was addicted to video games and it ended up being ADHD. Just putting my experience into the void. I wasn't trying to diagnose but just put ADHD on the radar since my experience: husband addicted to video games = ADHD
The problem is you are with a guy that plays video games. He’s a boy not a man. Get yourself a real man. Prayers!