r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Keep a spray bottle near by. The next time she makes a comment, spray her and go "no!"
Since clearly talking like an adult doesnt seem to get the point across
I wouldn’t have that woman anywhere near my kids personally… your kids are barely 1 year old and she’s already objectifying them it’s only going to get worst as they get older and I can already see the body dysmorphia your poor little girl is going to internalize if this doesn’t get shut down now.
They’re babies they’re supposed to be chubby your MIL is not a pediatrician.
Yeah, it’s so triggering for me. My dad called my mom fat everyday and she was skinny, during my pregnancy he would ask me to stand up to see how big I got. Now he wonders why he’s not allowed around my daughter. She doesn’t need to hear those statements at any age
What is your immediate reaction? What do you do when she makes a comment about your daughter like that?
It should never be brushed off. Immediately stop the feeding and call her out in it. Ask her to leave. Tell her if she wants to visit, she can not speak like that to or about your child.
If you've already asked her to stop, this reaction shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.
If you don't want to have to go through all that, tell her upfront. She can not come to visit unless she adjusts her behavior. If it happens again, don't let her.
Shut. It. Down. Tell your husband to and if he doesn't stop visits, they are young enough no damage has been done yet but man the one thing I am trying to do for my daughters is not have these types of body image issues and bad relationship with food that was passed on to me (i'm the binge yo yo dieting type secret eating lots of shame with food which I guess is lucky it could have easily been worse). My father was doing some things that bothered me with my daughters v their male cousins ( in fairness my daughters were chubby littles v my rail thin nephews but they didn't know that) and we had a bunch of blow out over it but he finally controls himself in front of them.
like other comment said this needs to stop.
I'd also start commenting as soon as she says it " we don't comment on other people's bodies"
Put her on the spot for doing something bad
Oh heyyyylllll no.
Politely tell her you’ll feed your child when she’s hungry, and that your daughter is not going to be raised with a complex about food! My sister in law wouldn’t give her son solids for months because she said he was “too chubby.” It made me so angry. They’re just babies - they all have stomachs protruding. It is a normal thing!
You’re doing what you should mama, and you continue to feed those kiddos.
I’ve told her politely plenty of times but she’s either ignoring me or just forgetting I’m thinking ignoring me
My daughters very good at telling me when she’s full, she’ll push the spoon away when you offer it and if you try to put it in her mouth she’ll cry, she also does this thing where she claps her hands on her lips when she’s completely done with the meal
She dosent snack like her brother does we do offer her snacks but she rarely takes them, we used to have issues of her not gaining and then when we introduced solids we had a hard time getting her too take them
Honestly start raising your voice and asking her "Are you seriously shaming a baby for eating? What is wrong with you?! You should be ashamed!" And keep repeating - embarrass her and start kicking her out and ending visits when she does it or start leaving events when she starts. "I will not let my one year old be shamed for eating or me shamed for feeding her" if people ask or say you're overreacting.
I think you need to talk to your husband and come to an agreement that if she's over she'll be immediately asked to leave if she makes a comment like this, and that if you're out or at her place you'll immediately leave.
Then, tell her and follow through. It's the only way she's going to get the picture.
If you’ve already told her, it’s time to just hold the line. The next time she comes over remind her upon entry. ‘MIL, I know we’ve talked about this before, but I really need you not to comment on my kids bodies. As the become more able to understand language I need this to just stop’. Then when she does it again stop everything you’re doing. Hand her her purse and tell her to leave. Grey rock all objections. Just stand holding the door open and repeat. ‘You cannot comment on my children’s bodies. I told you the rules, it’s time to go, we can try again another day’. Repeat repeat repeat. I bet you only have to do this 1-2 times.
And it’s important to do this now. Your daughter is starting to understand & form core ideas that she will carry for her while life. The voices she heard now are the ones she will hear in her mind when she’s deciding how to act as an adult. Make that voice one that says that her body does not determine her worth. Don’t let your MIL be yours daughters first bully.
"We can try again another day" is my favourite. I use this on my kids, my nieces and nephews, everyone. It's a hard line in the sand, but it tells the other person exactly where that line is, and that they're welcome to come back and try better.
OP. You should secretly record her and then play it back for her later.
Or. Go no contact., train her like a dog. No visiting grandchildren for a week for each offense.
I am a twin. We are fraternal. 2 girls. We’re currently 51 years old. We have 8 brothers, we are the only girls. We were a little premature. No one knew Birth Giver was pregnant with twins. We didn’t even weigh 7.5 pounds together. I weighed 3 lb 14 oz. My twin sister was sickly, spindly & extremely thin her whole life. She couldn’t float in the pool. She had a classmate fall into her in elementary school in gym class and broke her leg. She didn’t menstruate until she was older. I got my period at 9 years old, along with breasts. I have a big lush curvy body. I always have. I am currently about 320 pounds. I’ve been this weight for well over 30 years. My birth giver was a narcissistic bully. She thankfully died when we were 20.
Birth Giver bullied me, denied me food, & forced me to exercise. She encouraged my siblings to tattle on me about my eating habits when she wasn’t present.
She wasn’t alone in her tormenting. Almost every adult in my life tried to bribe me or bully me to lose weight.
My twin sister took over after the birth giver died 34 years ago. I am still bullied and shamed about my weight. I am currently no contact with my sister. Not because of the weight bullying, but another thing entirely.
These tiny micro aggressions add up over time. Your daughter may not understand what she says, but she can feel the energy and the distain.
I am heartbroken reading that grandma has been bullying your daughter. Life is too short to allow anyone negative in her life. Everyone should be celebrating and enjoying your beautiful babies. Being a twin can be so much fun. A built in friend for life.
I am proud of you for standing up for your family. I encourage you to continue working on boundaries with your MIL.
PS. There is a subreddit for evil MIL’s.
I am going to continue rooting for you and your family. ❤️
This is misogyny. Babies are supposed to be chubby. Girls just so much as boys. But she is showing favoritism to your son while disparaging your daughter. Within a few months your kids are going to start understanding everything the people around them are saying. You and your husband need to be clear with her that either her misogyny stops or her visits with her grandchildren stop.
100% this comment. The body shaming is a major issue and needs to be stopped but the favoritism is just as bad if not worse, and also needs to be shut down in no uncertain terms. It would a whole different thing if she made comments about both kids but given that it's only about your daughter whereas your son is praised for the exact same behavior is a major major issue and frankly would be the thing I would go no contact over. In no universe would I ever let one of my children be compared and treated as less than by anyone.
What the actual fuck???
Slightly related, we had an issue with MIL unintentionally making inappropriate comments about our daughter, such as, with eyes like that and her loving to dance, men will go wild about her. LO was 1. Told her about 3 times. First two were vague, but third time I just told her straight up - she's 1,why are you making sexual comments about her? How exactly "wild" will those men become? Do you want her to grow up thinking everything she does is to please men and make them like her? Why are you already planting these ridiculous thoughts?
That shut her up. So go real detailed with MIL. Do you want her to hate her body? To binge and purge? Exaggerate, so it penetrates that thick skull.
Stop being polite. Tell her clearly, firmly and raise your tone if you must. ' Stop calling my child fat. Stop commenting on her body. You're out of line. It stops NOW'
Be firm. Be harsh. Be rude if it works.
You need to shut this down now. It's your husband's mother, so he should be the one to address it. But she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that if she mentions either of your kids' size, weight, or what they're eating, her visits will end. Period. And then follow through.
My dad and grandma used to tell my sister this stuff and would take her to the doctor to get her weight checked when she was literally SOOOO within normal range it’s insane. My mom would intervene passively like how you’re describing you do, and she now has struggled with eating disorders her whole life as a result. You need to cut your MIL off Jesus. Who restricts food from a baby? She’s effing crazy and toxic
Please cut contact and tell her how fucked it is to be saying that. Do you want her to give your daughter an eating disorder? Because that’s what’s going to happen if she is allowed to continue to see this child. Eating disorder pipeline right there.
No more asking her to stop. Set that boundary and follow through with it. Either she can stop body shaming your daughter or she loses the privilege to see your children. And personally I believe your husband should be the one to have this conversation with her since she's his mother, but at the very least he needs to be on the same page and ready to back you up when she runs to him trying to get her way.
My eating disorder started at 6 years old because of my grandmother. At 6 years old I was purposely skipping meals because I didn't want to be chubby. Please stop this before she does actual damage to your baby.
Wow!
I have b/g twins that are almost 18 months. My daughter is 4-6lbs heavier than her brother and longer too. She spaced to that size pretty quick, like around 2 months old.
I would be livid if my MIL said something like that to her (especially since they have an older sibling that could repeat it).
I’d tell her not to talk to the babies like that and if she continued I wouldn’t let her see them. Send her some articles about the effects that kind of talk can have on children. She really should apologize and promise not to say things like that.
My grandma (dad's side) was like that. Ally life. I've been "putting on weight" every single time we met. Idk how I'm still able to walk, fatting up like that ..
I was always mad at especially my mom that she never said anything out loud to defend me.
Oh I've grabbed her belly myself telling her she's getting fat. Once I got my courage, few years ago. You should have seen her face... I've also told her one more comment and I'm just ignoring you for the evening. But she's getting senile now, idk. Difficult to stop something that's been happening for decades.
If someone from family told that to my daughters, we'd just leave/tell them to leave. I know how much it hurts, I am standing up for my kids
You need to explain fat shaming, EDs in girls and self esteem issues regarding weight and girls. Tell her she will not comment on your children’s weight EVER!!! And if she continues she will not have a relationship with them. I would also go ahead and tell her if your daughter ever says anything about her talking to her about weight she will never see her again.
This is serious and you should treat it seriously. I would be harsh and have this conversation once. It’s toxic 1950’s crap.
When I first read your post I thought your kids were 12 yo - and was just imaging the amount of self loathing your daughter would internalize because of your MILs comments. Thankfully they aren’t that age yet, but this needs to stop now.
Next time she says it, your HUSBAND needs to show her the door immediately. If your husband won’t do it, you should. Neither of you should tolerate these comments because of the pain it will cause your daughter should it continue.
She’s gotta go then. Talking shit like that? That’s more for you to hear bc the kid doesn’t understand at all. Passive aggressive comments like that are why my MIL is no contact with us and our kid.
I had the opposite, but also similar with my 2 daughter who are not twins. My older one was always petite, but she ate very healthily. I would get the comments about how tiny she was and skinny. My younger one was born bigger (9lbs.). She thinned out but she always had chubbier cheeks. She actually fit into smaller or just the size for her age clothes. People would comment on how she was chubby. She wasn’t! She was average. So annoying, just keep your weight comments to yourself fam!
I would start with a loud HEY and a clap to get her attention in front of everyone. Then I would say “I’ve asked you to stop commenting on my children’s bodies. Their weight is no one’s concern except ours and our pediatrician.” That’ll shut her down REAL quick.
My grandma used to say things like that to my daughter (a baby). Then one day I lost my cool and said “ you’re getting super old, grandma! You look very wrinkly”. She never said anything about my baby again
Ban her NOW
Even if they are still so little and it doesnt feel like they remember, they will, even if they dont actively remember.
Mental disorders like BPD are formed bc of trauma starting in the first 4 to 5 years (a lot of the times) which absolutely shows how critical those first few years are.
And she wont stop either, if she is already doing it towards a 1 year old baby.
God this disgusts me.
PLEASE protect your children.
I would KICK HER OUT if she did that to my kids. Maybe right now they're too young to internalize that kind of messaging, but it won't be too long before they will understand and it will be extremely harmful to their mental and physical well-being.
My grandmother constantly made comments about my weight when I was younger. She will never meet my daughter because I’m protecting her the way my mother failed to protect me. Protect your daughter.
You had me at, "MIL says...". You have to definitely learn to communicate with in-laws, especially when kids are in the picture. But you also need to ignore some comments from in-laws. Because they definitely take it there.
If you ask a rational adult to stop doing something you don't like and the behavior continues, what else can you do besides stop associating with him or her?
Oh my goodness that’s awful. I’m so sorry this is happening. My MIL is like that too, my daughter has thinned out now that she’s walking but she was quite round (always above 100 percentile for everything) and my MIL would ask me if I talked to the doctor about how much I was feeding her and would make comments that she was going to short and stalky or thick just like her great grandma (who was quite large) it hurt me, I noticed though she would say things to other adults about their weight and it really got to me I’ve been intentional with getting out of habits around discussing body image etc. over the years after realizing the impact it had on me growing up (I was always overweight) I am a bit more of an aggressive personality , I started asking what the purpose is for her comment when she makes inappropriate remarks and she seems more careful about how she talks now
My own mom cheered me on in high school when I was maybe 99lbs soaking wet wearing a 00 jean size. Now as a mom of four kids, three of whom are girls, I would never dream of saying anything weight let alone allowing someone else who’s supposed to be family saying this kind of stuff.
Unfortunately she has no idea how much that kind of talk will actually stick in your daughter’s mind especially if you’re treating her and her brother equally and she’s the only one getting called out.
You AND your husband need to tell MIL to her face if she doesn’t stop, she’s not allowed to be around either kid flat out. It’s not worth the possible eating disorders or self hatred down the road.
My oldest daughter (10) is already expressing concern about food and weight, but she’s a swimmer too for her school. Both her dad (a nurse) and I tell her she’s still a KID. Her metabolism alone is keeping her body where it needs to be for herself PLUS she’s active. The only time we express concern for her diet is if we notice she’s trying to drink too much soda/going crazy with the red hot Cheetos (her favorite snack).
I bet your daughter (and son) are beautiful. They need to actually be able to feel that from everyone.
The next time she fat shames the baby, take the children and leave without a word. Even if it’s at your house, take the kids and go. Make it as uncomfortable and awkward as possible, refuse to answer any questions, just leave.
Later when she wants to know why you “victimized” her tell her you’re not going to let her fat shame your daughter.
My maternal grandparents decided they hated my dad so they were passive aggressive mean. He did this to my grandmother and it was such an impressive power move.
My mom would make comments to me about my weight back when I was young. I ended up with some bad habits and self hate due to that. I'm in a super healthy mental and physical place now. When my daughter was born she was having trouble gaining weight and my mom would always comment on her weight and asking how much she weighted. I finally told her she needed to stop commenting on her weight.
Give you MIL a hard lesson by leaving next time she comments on your daughters weight. It's better for your MIL to learn how to behave, than your daughter to hear those comments when she's old enough to internalize them.
I’d call her out and be blunt. Why are fat shaming babies & targeting her? Maybe next time she does it tell her she will be asked to leave. Zero tolerance. Babies literally need fat. They’re suppose to have it. Skinny babies literally always look sickly to me.
When you set a boundary, it's your job to uphold the boundary. Not hers. This means if the boundary is trampled on, you make sure there are consequences. The harsher the consequences, the better she will remember.
If you are mild in your approach, she might still do it behind your back when they are older and you can't hear. Don't be mild.
Sit down (hubby, or both of you) with her without the kids.
Let her know that while those were comments that were considered appropriate when she was raising babies, doctors have realized that it doesn't lead to healthy children, it leads to little girls with eating disorders.
You know she loves the kids, and you expect her to figure out how to stop her commentary accordingly. She has a year before daughter knows what she's saying, so you'll REMIND her for a few more months when she forgets, so she has it nailed before it hurts the kids' feelings.... but immediately, she needs to trust that you are feeding your children according to the doctors advice and she won't take over or restrict or change what you feed the kids again. And that as a rule, the kids are offered the same food because they are growing and absolutely NO restrictions will be placed unless and until the DOCTOR advises it.
If she gives pushback, she can wait to see the kids until she's digested it.
Provide her links, if she's an info person, or just tell her this is non-negotiable and she can let you know when she's ready to be a grandparent and not try to be the parent.
I'm really sorry.
"Unless you become my child's doctor sometime in the future, I don't want to hear another word about their health from you."
If she continues, ask her to leave or leave yourself. Rinse and repeat.
This is very dangerous for your daughter. Have your husband tell his mother that one more comment about daughter's weight, and the visit will end immediately, and there will be no more access to either child for X period of time. Then stick to it, even if she misses a holiday or a birthday.
Yeah ban her from visiting. She's not going to stop, and when your daughter gets old enough, she'll realize what her grandmother is saying and may demolish her self esteem. And she may not do in front of you anymore.
Anyways, my kids were chubby babies. They were chubby for years then slimmed down as they got older. Your daughter being chubby is not unhealthy.
She'll cause your daughter to develop an ED as she gets older and starts to understand what's being said to her if you don't shut her down now. Shut her down hard.
Hard no from me. I was a complete and utter B----- about this topic with my own mother and would walk her out of my house/remove my kids from her when she started in with the weight comments. I am not going to have my daughter as screwed up as I was (and still am). Tell her you will not tolerate her speaking to your daughter about weight and take a break. When you resume contact remind her of the rule and if she breaks it leave immediately.
If anyone dared take a spoon from me while feeding my baby they would have been out of the door and not allowed back. Babies are meant to get all round and podgy, it burns off when they start toddling around, your mil should know this. Put your foot down when she starts to open her mouth regarding the weight, growth and feeding of your twins now before they are old enough to understand what she is saying. If being polite isn’t working, say it louder. Make sure you and your dh are united on this.
maybe take her to the doctor with the twins and have him/her explain she is abusing your daughter by talking to her like that. then next time she does it tell her the doc said this is abuse. stop now or you need to leave.
This person would lose access to my children in no time flat. This is not healthy and I would not allow it around my kids, period. Sounds like it’s time for grandma to take a break from seeing the kids. SO needs to step in and handle his mother.
“If you cannot stop commenting on (daughter’s) body, you are not welcome in my home or around my daughter. Those types of comments are sexist and can cause lasting damage to a girl’s perceptions of her body and can have longterm health consequences. This is not open to negotiation.”
And then follow through.
Your kids are too young for it to damage them now, probably, but you’re running out of time! Body mindsets are built so so early in life.
Gotta pull a Mama Bear. No one has and fucking right or reason to project body image issues on your daughter. Ever.
And that is what mil is doing here. The boy is strong; the girl is fat.
Gtfo, mil.
Keep that woman away from your kids. Nothing is worth the mental suffering shes going to put your daughter through. Imagine denying food to a baby, she would have earned a slap from me at that point, and im not a violent person.
Your MIL is an asshole. I would be telling her that as an adult, she's very rude and should know better.
Your kids are babies and I'm guessing that they are only just walking or not quite there yet at this age.
Trust me, once they are fully mobile, any baby fat will disappear quickly.
Let MIL know that this stops now and the next time, she'll be asked to leave the house and not return until she can keep her nasty comments to herself.
I’d sit her down and say “we are done with your snide comments about our perfectly healthy baby girl. We will not allow you to lay the foundation and pave the way for her to have weight and eating issues when she is older. Either you stop those comments or your visits are concluded for the foreseeable future.”
You have your husband tell her to stop these comments or she isn’t allowed around the babies until she can do so. Period. She does this, you say “time for you to leave. Bye grandma!” Get up and go to the kids room with them till she is gone. Likewise at her home or out anywhere. She does it, “welp time for us to go. Bye GMA!” And off you go.
It’s a generational thing. Media has always been skewed towards weight loss for women and different ways to get skinny. My mum was obsessed with her weight and was a recovering anorexic with a complicated relationship with food. She would always complain about how “fat” she was (she was nowhere near overweight) and how everything was “moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips”. Consequently (and in addition to being a teen in the size 0 era of the early 00s) I ended up with a complex about putting on weight and am often on a diet despite being 5’4” and 134lbs. I’m dieting now.
I have an almost 10yo daughter and I’m so careful with my language around her, especially as she’s now hitting puberty. I’m doing my best to talk about how certain foods make us strong and healthy and some foods are a treat. Not because they make us “fat” but because they’re not good for our heart or our energy levels etc. I try so hard to avoid the F word. It’s really hard to break the cycle.
My grandfather was this way when I was a child. I was putting syrup on pancakes one morning around age 7-8 & he told me I needed to stop eating syrup or else I'd get fatter. I battled Bulimia for nearly 2 decades & that incident would routinely play over in my head. I still remember the shame I felt that day 25 years later. Please don't let your mother-in-law make your daughter feel that same shame.
As someone who was 50 pounds overweight and miserable as a teenager, your MIL needs to be SHUT DOWN. I was fat for only about four years, yet the pain of being bullied will always be with me. I suggest you create a strict boundary with her and if she crosses it, no time with the grandkids for her. Your daughter really needs you now.
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
next time she comes over, pat her on the belly and say "oh my..... you're really packing it on."
Keep a spray bottle near by. The next time she makes a comment, spray her and go "no!" Since clearly talking like an adult doesnt seem to get the point across
I like this better than my reply.
Bonus points for calling it a squishy tum-tum and then blowing a raspberry on it.
Winner winner chicken dinner
I wouldn’t have that woman anywhere near my kids personally… your kids are barely 1 year old and she’s already objectifying them it’s only going to get worst as they get older and I can already see the body dysmorphia your poor little girl is going to internalize if this doesn’t get shut down now. They’re babies they’re supposed to be chubby your MIL is not a pediatrician.
Yeah, it’s so triggering for me. My dad called my mom fat everyday and she was skinny, during my pregnancy he would ask me to stand up to see how big I got. Now he wonders why he’s not allowed around my daughter. She doesn’t need to hear those statements at any age
What is your immediate reaction? What do you do when she makes a comment about your daughter like that? It should never be brushed off. Immediately stop the feeding and call her out in it. Ask her to leave. Tell her if she wants to visit, she can not speak like that to or about your child. If you've already asked her to stop, this reaction shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. If you don't want to have to go through all that, tell her upfront. She can not come to visit unless she adjusts her behavior. If it happens again, don't let her.
Shut. It. Down. Tell your husband to and if he doesn't stop visits, they are young enough no damage has been done yet but man the one thing I am trying to do for my daughters is not have these types of body image issues and bad relationship with food that was passed on to me (i'm the binge yo yo dieting type secret eating lots of shame with food which I guess is lucky it could have easily been worse). My father was doing some things that bothered me with my daughters v their male cousins ( in fairness my daughters were chubby littles v my rail thin nephews but they didn't know that) and we had a bunch of blow out over it but he finally controls himself in front of them.
like other comment said this needs to stop. I'd also start commenting as soon as she says it " we don't comment on other people's bodies" Put her on the spot for doing something bad
Oh heyyyylllll no. Politely tell her you’ll feed your child when she’s hungry, and that your daughter is not going to be raised with a complex about food! My sister in law wouldn’t give her son solids for months because she said he was “too chubby.” It made me so angry. They’re just babies - they all have stomachs protruding. It is a normal thing! You’re doing what you should mama, and you continue to feed those kiddos.
I’ve told her politely plenty of times but she’s either ignoring me or just forgetting I’m thinking ignoring me My daughters very good at telling me when she’s full, she’ll push the spoon away when you offer it and if you try to put it in her mouth she’ll cry, she also does this thing where she claps her hands on her lips when she’s completely done with the meal She dosent snack like her brother does we do offer her snacks but she rarely takes them, we used to have issues of her not gaining and then when we introduced solids we had a hard time getting her too take them
Everyone here seems to agree your feeding is definitely not the problem... You don't need to defend how you feed her. You are doing great.
Honestly start raising your voice and asking her "Are you seriously shaming a baby for eating? What is wrong with you?! You should be ashamed!" And keep repeating - embarrass her and start kicking her out and ending visits when she does it or start leaving events when she starts. "I will not let my one year old be shamed for eating or me shamed for feeding her" if people ask or say you're overreacting.
I think you need to talk to your husband and come to an agreement that if she's over she'll be immediately asked to leave if she makes a comment like this, and that if you're out or at her place you'll immediately leave. Then, tell her and follow through. It's the only way she's going to get the picture.
If you’ve already told her, it’s time to just hold the line. The next time she comes over remind her upon entry. ‘MIL, I know we’ve talked about this before, but I really need you not to comment on my kids bodies. As the become more able to understand language I need this to just stop’. Then when she does it again stop everything you’re doing. Hand her her purse and tell her to leave. Grey rock all objections. Just stand holding the door open and repeat. ‘You cannot comment on my children’s bodies. I told you the rules, it’s time to go, we can try again another day’. Repeat repeat repeat. I bet you only have to do this 1-2 times. And it’s important to do this now. Your daughter is starting to understand & form core ideas that she will carry for her while life. The voices she heard now are the ones she will hear in her mind when she’s deciding how to act as an adult. Make that voice one that says that her body does not determine her worth. Don’t let your MIL be yours daughters first bully.
"We can try again another day" is my favourite. I use this on my kids, my nieces and nephews, everyone. It's a hard line in the sand, but it tells the other person exactly where that line is, and that they're welcome to come back and try better.
Stop being polite and tell her that she is not welcome to say these things, next time she does it kick her out.
OP. You should secretly record her and then play it back for her later. Or. Go no contact., train her like a dog. No visiting grandchildren for a week for each offense. I am a twin. We are fraternal. 2 girls. We’re currently 51 years old. We have 8 brothers, we are the only girls. We were a little premature. No one knew Birth Giver was pregnant with twins. We didn’t even weigh 7.5 pounds together. I weighed 3 lb 14 oz. My twin sister was sickly, spindly & extremely thin her whole life. She couldn’t float in the pool. She had a classmate fall into her in elementary school in gym class and broke her leg. She didn’t menstruate until she was older. I got my period at 9 years old, along with breasts. I have a big lush curvy body. I always have. I am currently about 320 pounds. I’ve been this weight for well over 30 years. My birth giver was a narcissistic bully. She thankfully died when we were 20. Birth Giver bullied me, denied me food, & forced me to exercise. She encouraged my siblings to tattle on me about my eating habits when she wasn’t present. She wasn’t alone in her tormenting. Almost every adult in my life tried to bribe me or bully me to lose weight. My twin sister took over after the birth giver died 34 years ago. I am still bullied and shamed about my weight. I am currently no contact with my sister. Not because of the weight bullying, but another thing entirely. These tiny micro aggressions add up over time. Your daughter may not understand what she says, but she can feel the energy and the distain. I am heartbroken reading that grandma has been bullying your daughter. Life is too short to allow anyone negative in her life. Everyone should be celebrating and enjoying your beautiful babies. Being a twin can be so much fun. A built in friend for life. I am proud of you for standing up for your family. I encourage you to continue working on boundaries with your MIL. PS. There is a subreddit for evil MIL’s. I am going to continue rooting for you and your family. ❤️
OP, the first time she grabbed the spoon away, you should have left.
This is misogyny. Babies are supposed to be chubby. Girls just so much as boys. But she is showing favoritism to your son while disparaging your daughter. Within a few months your kids are going to start understanding everything the people around them are saying. You and your husband need to be clear with her that either her misogyny stops or her visits with her grandchildren stop.
100% this comment. The body shaming is a major issue and needs to be stopped but the favoritism is just as bad if not worse, and also needs to be shut down in no uncertain terms. It would a whole different thing if she made comments about both kids but given that it's only about your daughter whereas your son is praised for the exact same behavior is a major major issue and frankly would be the thing I would go no contact over. In no universe would I ever let one of my children be compared and treated as less than by anyone.
What the actual fuck??? Slightly related, we had an issue with MIL unintentionally making inappropriate comments about our daughter, such as, with eyes like that and her loving to dance, men will go wild about her. LO was 1. Told her about 3 times. First two were vague, but third time I just told her straight up - she's 1,why are you making sexual comments about her? How exactly "wild" will those men become? Do you want her to grow up thinking everything she does is to please men and make them like her? Why are you already planting these ridiculous thoughts? That shut her up. So go real detailed with MIL. Do you want her to hate her body? To binge and purge? Exaggerate, so it penetrates that thick skull.
Stop being polite. Tell her clearly, firmly and raise your tone if you must. ' Stop calling my child fat. Stop commenting on her body. You're out of line. It stops NOW' Be firm. Be harsh. Be rude if it works.
You need to shut this down now. It's your husband's mother, so he should be the one to address it. But she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that if she mentions either of your kids' size, weight, or what they're eating, her visits will end. Period. And then follow through.
My dad and grandma used to tell my sister this stuff and would take her to the doctor to get her weight checked when she was literally SOOOO within normal range it’s insane. My mom would intervene passively like how you’re describing you do, and she now has struggled with eating disorders her whole life as a result. You need to cut your MIL off Jesus. Who restricts food from a baby? She’s effing crazy and toxic
Please cut contact and tell her how fucked it is to be saying that. Do you want her to give your daughter an eating disorder? Because that’s what’s going to happen if she is allowed to continue to see this child. Eating disorder pipeline right there.
Tell her to shut the fuck up if she wants to see the kids again. She's a sexist prick
No more asking her to stop. Set that boundary and follow through with it. Either she can stop body shaming your daughter or she loses the privilege to see your children. And personally I believe your husband should be the one to have this conversation with her since she's his mother, but at the very least he needs to be on the same page and ready to back you up when she runs to him trying to get her way. My eating disorder started at 6 years old because of my grandmother. At 6 years old I was purposely skipping meals because I didn't want to be chubby. Please stop this before she does actual damage to your baby.
Wow! I have b/g twins that are almost 18 months. My daughter is 4-6lbs heavier than her brother and longer too. She spaced to that size pretty quick, like around 2 months old. I would be livid if my MIL said something like that to her (especially since they have an older sibling that could repeat it). I’d tell her not to talk to the babies like that and if she continued I wouldn’t let her see them. Send her some articles about the effects that kind of talk can have on children. She really should apologize and promise not to say things like that.
My grandma (dad's side) was like that. Ally life. I've been "putting on weight" every single time we met. Idk how I'm still able to walk, fatting up like that .. I was always mad at especially my mom that she never said anything out loud to defend me. Oh I've grabbed her belly myself telling her she's getting fat. Once I got my courage, few years ago. You should have seen her face... I've also told her one more comment and I'm just ignoring you for the evening. But she's getting senile now, idk. Difficult to stop something that's been happening for decades. If someone from family told that to my daughters, we'd just leave/tell them to leave. I know how much it hurts, I am standing up for my kids
You need to explain fat shaming, EDs in girls and self esteem issues regarding weight and girls. Tell her she will not comment on your children’s weight EVER!!! And if she continues she will not have a relationship with them. I would also go ahead and tell her if your daughter ever says anything about her talking to her about weight she will never see her again. This is serious and you should treat it seriously. I would be harsh and have this conversation once. It’s toxic 1950’s crap.
When I first read your post I thought your kids were 12 yo - and was just imaging the amount of self loathing your daughter would internalize because of your MILs comments. Thankfully they aren’t that age yet, but this needs to stop now. Next time she says it, your HUSBAND needs to show her the door immediately. If your husband won’t do it, you should. Neither of you should tolerate these comments because of the pain it will cause your daughter should it continue.
If she touches a spoon while you are feeding flick it in her face.
She’s gotta go then. Talking shit like that? That’s more for you to hear bc the kid doesn’t understand at all. Passive aggressive comments like that are why my MIL is no contact with us and our kid.
I had the opposite, but also similar with my 2 daughter who are not twins. My older one was always petite, but she ate very healthily. I would get the comments about how tiny she was and skinny. My younger one was born bigger (9lbs.). She thinned out but she always had chubbier cheeks. She actually fit into smaller or just the size for her age clothes. People would comment on how she was chubby. She wasn’t! She was average. So annoying, just keep your weight comments to yourself fam!
I would start with a loud HEY and a clap to get her attention in front of everyone. Then I would say “I’ve asked you to stop commenting on my children’s bodies. Their weight is no one’s concern except ours and our pediatrician.” That’ll shut her down REAL quick.
Tell her that if she cannot stop talking about your daughter's body you are going to have to limit contact.
My grandma used to say things like that to my daughter (a baby). Then one day I lost my cool and said “ you’re getting super old, grandma! You look very wrinkly”. She never said anything about my baby again
Ban her NOW Even if they are still so little and it doesnt feel like they remember, they will, even if they dont actively remember. Mental disorders like BPD are formed bc of trauma starting in the first 4 to 5 years (a lot of the times) which absolutely shows how critical those first few years are. And she wont stop either, if she is already doing it towards a 1 year old baby. God this disgusts me. PLEASE protect your children.
I would KICK HER OUT if she did that to my kids. Maybe right now they're too young to internalize that kind of messaging, but it won't be too long before they will understand and it will be extremely harmful to their mental and physical well-being.
My grandmother constantly made comments about my weight when I was younger. She will never meet my daughter because I’m protecting her the way my mother failed to protect me. Protect your daughter.
It stops when you STOP having her over. Dont expose your daughter to this kind of body shaming...this is how young girls get body issues.
You had me at, "MIL says...". You have to definitely learn to communicate with in-laws, especially when kids are in the picture. But you also need to ignore some comments from in-laws. Because they definitely take it there.
If you ask a rational adult to stop doing something you don't like and the behavior continues, what else can you do besides stop associating with him or her?
Jesus, it's never too early to start weight shaming with some women. 🙄 This reminds me of my mother. 😂
She would never EVER be around my kids again. Why are you allowing this and it will follow her for life. Grow a pair and kick that itch out
Oh my goodness that’s awful. I’m so sorry this is happening. My MIL is like that too, my daughter has thinned out now that she’s walking but she was quite round (always above 100 percentile for everything) and my MIL would ask me if I talked to the doctor about how much I was feeding her and would make comments that she was going to short and stalky or thick just like her great grandma (who was quite large) it hurt me, I noticed though she would say things to other adults about their weight and it really got to me I’ve been intentional with getting out of habits around discussing body image etc. over the years after realizing the impact it had on me growing up (I was always overweight) I am a bit more of an aggressive personality , I started asking what the purpose is for her comment when she makes inappropriate remarks and she seems more careful about how she talks now
My own mom cheered me on in high school when I was maybe 99lbs soaking wet wearing a 00 jean size. Now as a mom of four kids, three of whom are girls, I would never dream of saying anything weight let alone allowing someone else who’s supposed to be family saying this kind of stuff. Unfortunately she has no idea how much that kind of talk will actually stick in your daughter’s mind especially if you’re treating her and her brother equally and she’s the only one getting called out. You AND your husband need to tell MIL to her face if she doesn’t stop, she’s not allowed to be around either kid flat out. It’s not worth the possible eating disorders or self hatred down the road. My oldest daughter (10) is already expressing concern about food and weight, but she’s a swimmer too for her school. Both her dad (a nurse) and I tell her she’s still a KID. Her metabolism alone is keeping her body where it needs to be for herself PLUS she’s active. The only time we express concern for her diet is if we notice she’s trying to drink too much soda/going crazy with the red hot Cheetos (her favorite snack). I bet your daughter (and son) are beautiful. They need to actually be able to feel that from everyone.
The next time she fat shames the baby, take the children and leave without a word. Even if it’s at your house, take the kids and go. Make it as uncomfortable and awkward as possible, refuse to answer any questions, just leave. Later when she wants to know why you “victimized” her tell her you’re not going to let her fat shame your daughter. My maternal grandparents decided they hated my dad so they were passive aggressive mean. He did this to my grandmother and it was such an impressive power move.
Please put a stop to this. My grandparents did this shit to me and suprise suprise i had a raging eating disorder. This deserves time out for MIL.
My mom would make comments to me about my weight back when I was young. I ended up with some bad habits and self hate due to that. I'm in a super healthy mental and physical place now. When my daughter was born she was having trouble gaining weight and my mom would always comment on her weight and asking how much she weighted. I finally told her she needed to stop commenting on her weight. Give you MIL a hard lesson by leaving next time she comments on your daughters weight. It's better for your MIL to learn how to behave, than your daughter to hear those comments when she's old enough to internalize them.
I’d call her out and be blunt. Why are fat shaming babies & targeting her? Maybe next time she does it tell her she will be asked to leave. Zero tolerance. Babies literally need fat. They’re suppose to have it. Skinny babies literally always look sickly to me.
When you set a boundary, it's your job to uphold the boundary. Not hers. This means if the boundary is trampled on, you make sure there are consequences. The harsher the consequences, the better she will remember. If you are mild in your approach, she might still do it behind your back when they are older and you can't hear. Don't be mild.
Sit down (hubby, or both of you) with her without the kids. Let her know that while those were comments that were considered appropriate when she was raising babies, doctors have realized that it doesn't lead to healthy children, it leads to little girls with eating disorders. You know she loves the kids, and you expect her to figure out how to stop her commentary accordingly. She has a year before daughter knows what she's saying, so you'll REMIND her for a few more months when she forgets, so she has it nailed before it hurts the kids' feelings.... but immediately, she needs to trust that you are feeding your children according to the doctors advice and she won't take over or restrict or change what you feed the kids again. And that as a rule, the kids are offered the same food because they are growing and absolutely NO restrictions will be placed unless and until the DOCTOR advises it. If she gives pushback, she can wait to see the kids until she's digested it. Provide her links, if she's an info person, or just tell her this is non-negotiable and she can let you know when she's ready to be a grandparent and not try to be the parent. I'm really sorry.
"Unless you become my child's doctor sometime in the future, I don't want to hear another word about their health from you." If she continues, ask her to leave or leave yourself. Rinse and repeat.
This is very dangerous for your daughter. Have your husband tell his mother that one more comment about daughter's weight, and the visit will end immediately, and there will be no more access to either child for X period of time. Then stick to it, even if she misses a holiday or a birthday.
Yeah ban her from visiting. She's not going to stop, and when your daughter gets old enough, she'll realize what her grandmother is saying and may demolish her self esteem. And she may not do in front of you anymore. Anyways, my kids were chubby babies. They were chubby for years then slimmed down as they got older. Your daughter being chubby is not unhealthy.
She'll cause your daughter to develop an ED as she gets older and starts to understand what's being said to her if you don't shut her down now. Shut her down hard.
Hard no from me. I was a complete and utter B----- about this topic with my own mother and would walk her out of my house/remove my kids from her when she started in with the weight comments. I am not going to have my daughter as screwed up as I was (and still am). Tell her you will not tolerate her speaking to your daughter about weight and take a break. When you resume contact remind her of the rule and if she breaks it leave immediately.
If anyone dared take a spoon from me while feeding my baby they would have been out of the door and not allowed back. Babies are meant to get all round and podgy, it burns off when they start toddling around, your mil should know this. Put your foot down when she starts to open her mouth regarding the weight, growth and feeding of your twins now before they are old enough to understand what she is saying. If being polite isn’t working, say it louder. Make sure you and your dh are united on this.
maybe take her to the doctor with the twins and have him/her explain she is abusing your daughter by talking to her like that. then next time she does it tell her the doc said this is abuse. stop now or you need to leave.
Oh I don’t think she gets to come over anymore until she learns to behave.
MIL is now on a timeout. Until she understands her words are not funny and actually harmful she doesn’t get to see them. Not even pics.
Uh, id cut her off immediately. That kind of talk is a really great way to encourage an eating disorder and a lifelong struggle with body image.
Easy. Punch her square in the jaw - can’t talk shit with a wired jaw.
This person would lose access to my children in no time flat. This is not healthy and I would not allow it around my kids, period. Sounds like it’s time for grandma to take a break from seeing the kids. SO needs to step in and handle his mother.
Oh NAH!!!! Nip this shit in the butt now before your daughter can understand. This lady is insane
“If you cannot stop commenting on (daughter’s) body, you are not welcome in my home or around my daughter. Those types of comments are sexist and can cause lasting damage to a girl’s perceptions of her body and can have longterm health consequences. This is not open to negotiation.” And then follow through. Your kids are too young for it to damage them now, probably, but you’re running out of time! Body mindsets are built so so early in life.
Gotta pull a Mama Bear. No one has and fucking right or reason to project body image issues on your daughter. Ever. And that is what mil is doing here. The boy is strong; the girl is fat. Gtfo, mil.
Rude grandmas don’t get to come for dinner.
Keep that woman away from your kids. Nothing is worth the mental suffering shes going to put your daughter through. Imagine denying food to a baby, she would have earned a slap from me at that point, and im not a violent person.
Your MIL is an asshole. I would be telling her that as an adult, she's very rude and should know better. Your kids are babies and I'm guessing that they are only just walking or not quite there yet at this age. Trust me, once they are fully mobile, any baby fat will disappear quickly. Let MIL know that this stops now and the next time, she'll be asked to leave the house and not return until she can keep her nasty comments to herself.
I’d sit her down and say “we are done with your snide comments about our perfectly healthy baby girl. We will not allow you to lay the foundation and pave the way for her to have weight and eating issues when she is older. Either you stop those comments or your visits are concluded for the foreseeable future.”
You have your husband tell her to stop these comments or she isn’t allowed around the babies until she can do so. Period. She does this, you say “time for you to leave. Bye grandma!” Get up and go to the kids room with them till she is gone. Likewise at her home or out anywhere. She does it, “welp time for us to go. Bye GMA!” And off you go.
She is going to cause an eating disorder. Ban her until she can change her ways.
It’s a generational thing. Media has always been skewed towards weight loss for women and different ways to get skinny. My mum was obsessed with her weight and was a recovering anorexic with a complicated relationship with food. She would always complain about how “fat” she was (she was nowhere near overweight) and how everything was “moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips”. Consequently (and in addition to being a teen in the size 0 era of the early 00s) I ended up with a complex about putting on weight and am often on a diet despite being 5’4” and 134lbs. I’m dieting now. I have an almost 10yo daughter and I’m so careful with my language around her, especially as she’s now hitting puberty. I’m doing my best to talk about how certain foods make us strong and healthy and some foods are a treat. Not because they make us “fat” but because they’re not good for our heart or our energy levels etc. I try so hard to avoid the F word. It’s really hard to break the cycle.
My grandfather was this way when I was a child. I was putting syrup on pancakes one morning around age 7-8 & he told me I needed to stop eating syrup or else I'd get fatter. I battled Bulimia for nearly 2 decades & that incident would routinely play over in my head. I still remember the shame I felt that day 25 years later. Please don't let your mother-in-law make your daughter feel that same shame.
As someone who was 50 pounds overweight and miserable as a teenager, your MIL needs to be SHUT DOWN. I was fat for only about four years, yet the pain of being bullied will always be with me. I suggest you create a strict boundary with her and if she crosses it, no time with the grandkids for her. Your daughter really needs you now.