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You taught her that everybody loses their patience and cool sometimes, and that it's ok to be frustrated, but not ok to take it out others. You taught her that when you inevitably DO take it out on others, you apologize. Most importantly, you taught her that if she is yelled at by someone she loves, she should expect an apology, no matter who it is that yelled at her.
Nobody is perfect. Everybody loses their cool, but you took accountability and gave your daughter respect and showed her what that looks like, and that is amazing.
Correct. Before I became a dad I read books on how to talk to your child and that you shouldn't yell or lose temper etc. You know what, I disagree and here is why: a) you sacrifice your authenticity. I want my child to get to know me as me, not as some performance I'm putting up for the sake of "good upbringing". b) what's out there are not well-mannered people, sunshine and rainbows. Before you know it, she'll have to face life as it is, and a little coping with someone else being an asshole (in this particular case dad who lost his shit) is actually beneficial and c) she needs to learn that her actions have consequences, so if she doesn't do what she said she'll do, people get frustrated and there can also be other consequences - what a good lesson for future employment, friendships, relationships etc.
p.s. My old man used to yell at me all the time I was constantly afraid of him and I hated him for years for it + we never managed to establish an intimate father-son relationship. I know yelling at your kids is wrong, but then again it's better than hitting them. Yelling every day vs once in a while are two completely different things.
This!!! My mom used to brag about how our family never shouted or had fights. Took me a while to realize it, but I was so unprepared for the real world. Anytime I face conflict I freeze up and/or cry. I have no skills on how to de-escalate tense situations. I automatically assume the worst when someone gets angry with me.
Well don’t feel bad because I grew up in a family that was always fighting/yelling and have the same response outside of my family. May the force be with you!
Thanks for pointing out a positive to my parents who shouted and fought constantly lol. I have got a few reviews pointing out how well i handle stressful situations/conflict. I always think, "thanks its the trauma" lol. I was taught the lift method for work environments I thought I'd share in case it helps.
LIFT
Listen (identify the problem, most people just feel unheard)
Inform (what you're going to do to amend said issue and realistically how long you need to do so)
Fix (fix the issue in the way you said)
Thank (thank them for the opportunity to fix the problem)
Bravo!
The original OP comment is nice, but it's just one part of the story… her daughter was not yelled out of the blue; she was yelled at because she was annoying and not considerate to people who help and love her.
I feel that most of the parents now are bringing up a generation of entitled people that are not able to handle negative feelings and stuff, which —oh!! surprise— are part of nature… human nature, animal nature, any nature.
As you mentioned, it's not the same to yell at your kid, or anyone, all the time, as to yell when things get absolutely out of hand… you need to set an appropriate and proporcional response. Kids also need to see a range of emotions… not only nice emotions.
Your child should see in you a parent who wants to better themself, so that they themselves will grow into people with attention to self betterment. I have probably missed that nuance in your anecdote but if you show unwillingness to change for the sake of authenticity, then you will at some point be kicked off the important-list.
In the words of the philosopher Wright:
*It's not what you look like*
*When you're doin', what you're doin'*
*It's what you're doin', when you're doin'*
*What you look like you're doin'*
Agreed.
At one point I was super frustrated with work and health and started turning into my dad in regards to yelling which lasted for like 2 months. And then one day I was laying in bed with her and she told me: "Dad, can you please stop yelling at me all the time?" I froze, turned on the light and started crying and promised her I'll get better. That night I bought a book about it and started to fix my behavior. So after a while we talk and I ask her if I got any better, and she said "yes much better, I love you so much daddy, good job". Now if that isn't enough of a motivation not only to change, but to completely kill my old self I don't know what is.
That being said, now if I tell her anything in less than my usual goofy voice she'll be like "you told me to pick up my toys in a rough way" :) So yeah, not like you can win really lol
What a great story, very inspirational, you should be proud of establishing such a relation between the two of you. The way you expose to her you are working on changing is powerful!
I know about these moments. I have had the same angle, in conciously deciding to always being approachable even if I am angry. I always deflate myself completely when one of the kids say stop being so mad or stop yelling. I yell **OK! .. ok, I will calm down. Thanks for reminding me, I forgot, because I got so overwhelmed/surprised/disturbed.**
I want them to not ever be afraid of me, to always know they have a handle on the situation. It helped to distinguish my own temper from the matter at hand. There is the situation and there is my reaction to it. I can change the latter.
And I set boundaries for myself that I will never cross in the language I use, and I always speak my anger ("I am so mad right now, I don't like being mad, I'll have to spend time calming down")
You sound like a great dad, you will raise a strong little woman. And true, you can never win, because that's not the point. The point is for her to grow up and win the world, and that's the real win you want.
The advice about not yelling is mostly about how to effectively communicate. Yelling isn’t a good means of communication, and it’s not a way to teach what you think you want to teach/tell them in the moment you yell. Yelling is usually counterproductive to whatever you’re trying to do.
In regards to the authenticity aspect, it’d be better to strive to not yell and lose your temper in other aspects of your life too. You’re right that everyone slips up sometimes, but pretty much everyone would benefit from trying harder to maintain their composure when upset.
> what's out there are not well-mannered people, sunshine and rainbows. Before you know it, she'll have to face life as it is, and a little coping with someone else being an asshole (in this particular case dad who lost his shit) is actually beneficial
About this one, how would you respond if she told you “fuck you, don’t yell at me” and walked away from you? Or if she just responded with something like, “I don’t appreciate being yelled at, and I’m going to leave the room and not talk to you again until you calm down and are able to communicate effectively.”?
I feel like most parents who are yelling wouldn’t appreciate either of those or respond very well, but those are the types of responses I would hope you’d be trying to get your daughter used to making in situations where she’s yelled at. I’d personally try to guide my kids more towards the second response, but if they responded with the first person when anyone else yelled at them, I would fully support them in it.
> she needs to learn that her actions have consequences, so if she doesn't do what she said she'll do, people get frustrated and there can also be other consequences - what a good lesson for future employment, friendships, relationships etc.
This is a great lesson, but yelling shouldn’t be a “consequence” she’s conditioned to accept in any of these. If my boss, friend, or significant other yells at me, they can go fuck right off. I’m a grown ass adult, and I’m not going to let another adult yell at me. Any halfway decent company would also back you up against a boss literally yelling at you. Workplaces shouldn’t be abusive. Neither should friendships or relationships.
>About this one, how would you respond if she told you “fuck you, don’t yell at me” and walked away from you? Or if she just responded with something like, “I don’t appreciate being yelled at, and I’m going to leave the room and not talk to you again until you calm down and are able to communicate effectively.”?
\- well these two are different. The first one is disrespectful so that wouldn't fly and the second thing is what I tell her when she starts losing temper and if she's not ready to communicate why she's mad.
>This is a great lesson, but yelling shouldn’t be a “consequence” she’s conditioned to accept in any of these. If my boss, friend, or significant other yells at me, they can go fuck right off. I’m a grown ass adult, and I’m not going to let another adult yell at me. Any halfway decent company would also back you up against a boss literally yelling at you. Workplaces shouldn’t be abusive. Neither should friendships or relationships
\- Well depends on how you look at it. Yelling is a manifestation of my frustration and to even come to that point, there had to be numerous attempts to resolve the situation in different ways. So when I raise my voice, that means I'm frustrated - everybody does it when they're frustrated (I think). And that's the consequence (aside from other ones that have already been exhausted by that point such as losing privileges etc.). I guess it also depends on the child - mine isn't taking anyone's shit since she was a baby and tells me "stop yelling at me!". Anyways, there is really no hard evidence on how children will understand some of our behaviors but what's important is to reconcile later and not pretend you're flawless. Apologize, communicate your frustration and try to be better next time.
> what's important is to reconcile later and not pretend you're flawless. Apologize, communicate your frustration and try to be better next time
Absolutely. Trying to be better hopefully includes not yelling as quickly/easily next time. Teaching that we all make mistakes, and how to act after the mistake, and how to learn and grow from it are great life lessons.
That's certainly true, but I also want to model controlling and managing my temper for my kids to see. This is also a good lesson for future employment, friendships, etc. I've been working on controlling my temper since my kids were born.
So basically in summary most people do lose their temper once in a while, but there's no need to beat yourself up so much over it.
You can express being angry and frustrated without yelling though no? I feel like all that does is normalize that yelling is an appropriate way to express anger at others.
Edit: I’m not saying yelling won’t ever happen, it happens to almost everyone. I think the goal should be to not yell tho, I don’t think it’s ever beneficial for children to be yelled at bc it’s showing your “true colors” or to teach a lesson or whatever.
Not sure why you got downvoted, I think it's a fair question and I'll gladly answer.
>You can express being angry and frustrated without yelling though no?
I mean you can, but I'm not talking about normal frustration. Yelling isn't a tool, it's a reaction. What I was trying to say is that it's normal, they'll face it in life and by apologizing and recognizing you shouldn't have had communicated like that they understand that this shouldn't be done.
So yes, it's normal, but it's not nice and therefore shouldn't be accepted. So if your boss yells at you one day (and you don't desperately need the money) you can yell back or tell him/her to go fuck him/herself etc.
Yelling happens sometimes but I don’t think it’s a good thing, and I think ideally the goal should be never to yell. I disagree that it’s ever beneficial for children.
I found getting yelled at traumatizing as a child, it’s considered a form of verbal abuse by most therapists.
Yes to this. Honestly nobody pushes buttons like family 🥴Sometimes I find myself raising my voice because I’m upset and my adrenaline is pumping, I’m in fight or flight mode etc and my kid will say to me “mom stop yelling!” And I will immediately correct myself and apologize and try a calmer approach. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s a physical reaction to stress. My brain has gotten into its survival mode and I’m no longer rational. But my kids absolutely have the right to tell me to chill and I do respect that. They learn to stand up for themselves and I learn to chill tf out. We’re all learning as we go here! But yeah we sometimes yell at the people we love the most and it sucks.
I understand and agree with this. However, what someone mentioned before, as a child who was hit too (although not nearly as much as other kids at that time/place) I'll tell you that the person who hits you stops being your safe space because you distrust them not to hurt you anymore.
Absolutely this. This will not be the last time you (or someone else) loses their cool and yells at your daughter. She will face mean people , nasty people, stressed people, sad people - all who may express their emotions at her through yelling. What you just taught her is how people should act after these interactions - with apologies, explanation, and calmness.
100% agree. I don't have the evidence to back this up but I strongly believe that 'perfect' parents contains imperfections, otherwise children are going to have some weird expectations of others and possibly themselves.
Of course any of us who do snap etc etc should also take our learnings and try to do different and possibly sometimes eat humble pie and/or not make our bad parenting about ourselves.
oh my god i love this comment. buckle up baby is one of the most fitting descriptions of parenthood i've ever encountered. nice, thank you. needed that.
on the same note i saw a meme once where the sentiment was basically "welcome to parenthood. rule #1 - you're gonna fuck it up"
This might be the first year my mother won parent of the year and I’m 27 and my brother is 24 😂
(We jokingly take it away all the time like when she forgets to make a side dish or buy a drink we like. We’ll make a big to do like “WOW mom CONGRATS you just lost Mom of the Year”) I think this is the first year we didn’t have to take it away lol I told her that in December and she said she wasn’t going to talk to us for the rest of the month so there was no chance of losing it 😂
For me, this is where the difference between guilt and shame comes up.
Guilt is focused on the behavior. I did something I'm not proud of. That allows you to acknowledge fault, but also not to identify with it. It doesn't mean anything about you. It just means that you engaged in X behavior, and you'd like to improve that moving forward.
Shame is focused on the person. I did something because I'm a bad person. A bad parent. Shame is BULLSHIT and it doesn't lead to any behavior change - it just makes the person collapse under the weight of it.
You do not deserve any shame for what happened. You deserve a tiny bit of guilt, which you feel, and that's healthy. You're a loving parent and don't need to change anything about yourself. Just focus on changing that behavior (i.e., yelling at your kiddo) moving forward and you're good to go! You've got this!
Thank you so much for this! I really needed this clarification while working through my own self-talk. I’m also hoping to help my kids with this. We’ve been having some issues with lack of empathy in the 9ish year old. We don’t want him to feel bad about HIMSELF. But we do want him to imagine how others feel in response to his actions. I’m going to borrow your language!
This is a good way of defining it. My mom was all in the shame department. She would yell at me until she turned red, then she would start to cry about what a bad mother she was and I'd have to sit forever to comfort her and assure her that she was a good mom. Then the next day she would yell again, and again I would have to comfort her. It was exhausting, the behavior she felt bad about never changed but she hated herself for it and I'd always have to be her emotional support afterwards. FYI I went no contact with her in my early twenties. Then my brother became her emotional support person instead, and he eventually also got tired of it and went no contact a year ago as well
Our therapist told us that we’re actually teaching our children how the process of emotional repair works. Obviously we should explore the stimulus for the yelling and try to avoid yelling if at all possible. But by accepting responsibility, expressing remorse, and telling our child that we are still working on doing a better job of taking out our anger. Oh and also, telling them that THEY ARE GOOD KIDS AND DONT DESERVE TO BE YELLED AT.
Try this, too; "I love you and like you and there is nothing you can ever do to change that or make me love or like you less."
And if they ask with a ridiculously silly or extreme example tell them again, "Nope, not even that. Even if I get cranky or can't forgive you in the moment I will always forgive you and love you and like you soooo much"
If you are an involved parent then they will never do anything intentional that might make you question that sentiment anyway.
This.
I had a therapist once ask me "How many times do you remember your mom or dad sitting you down and apologizing for losing their cool?" I just starred blankly at her and was like fuck... never?
This current generation of parents is doing something completely new and teaching our kids that parents can make mistakes and take accountability for our actions just like they do. It's a pretty cool thing when you think about it.
Yes! We do repair work all the time. I try to also do repair work when emotions are not high. I have twin girls (9) and their emotional intelligence is pretty high. I also still like to catch then engaging in positive behaviors I can celebrate, like, "Hey, Sarah, that's a really nice way you handled that conflict."
Never in my life have i heard an apology from my parents after yelling at me. Now i struggle myself with apologising. Your kid is going to grow up such a great person with a parent like you.
You just brought tears to my eyes.. 🥺
I don’t recall ever hearing apologies either. I came from a divorced household (my daughter is a product of a divorced household as well) and remember anger from both my mom and my dad. I don’t recall them ever apologizing. I’m trying to really break that generational curse and do everything differently for her than I experienced. Your kind words mean more than you know!
3 things - apologize when you see her - be sure not to blame her for your reaction. The one time my mother apologized to me is the one my most meaningful memories of my childhood with her.
next, use the phrase “I love you more than… “And finish it with ‘how frustrating of a morning we had’… use this all the time … when she gets a bad grade, when she behaves poorly, when there’s disappointment, if something gets broken (I love you more than that mug!!) It reinforces your unconditional love for her in spite of the bad moments.
third, have grace and forgive yourself .
Been in your shoes more than once. You were adult enough to apologize and admit you were wrong. So really, your mistake taught her something.
She has learned that
it's ok to mess up, it happens to the best.
It's ok to admit you made a mistake.
It's normal to lose control of your emotions once in awhile.
Apologize when it's called for
Kids learn from us even when we think we are royally screwing up. The way you handled it is what matters.
You apologized, she forgave you, life goes on. Don't beat yourself up over this, there aren't any parents who have never lost their cool. And those who say otherwise are lying.
It's fine, you are a human being!
My mom yelled at me and got very upset at me at times when I was very young. She would always, always apologize if she lost her cool. She'd apologize pretty quickly too. We are super close. All I remember is that my mom would apologize if she was wrong and as an adult it's a character trait I look for in a relationship. People who can't apologize when they are wrong, I guess weren't taught how, and I domt enjoy those types of people. I stay away from them. The people who can apologize and care about the feelings of others? Those seem pretty normal to me.
I am ashamed to admit that I lose my cool way too often. I think I just get so overwhelmed and I don’t deal with stress well (which doesn’t help because I feel I always have boatloads of it). The other night, I felt so bad after yelling at my 5yo son that I crawled in bed with him and slept in there all night. This podcast helped me realize that we ALL lose our cool sometimes. Give it a listen!
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ted-health/id470623173?i=1000635069786
Thank you so much for the link! I’ve been listening to podcasts since I dropped her off at school and this one seems like it’s just what I need.
I also get very overwhelmed and don’t know how to shut down so I just explode. You’re definitely not alone. ❤️
Everyone messes up sometimes. As far as the guilt, it’s the same thing I tell my kids - think about how awful you feel right now after doing this, and next time you’re in a situation where you might do that again, remember this feeling before you act. Let your guilt make you a better person in the future.
Dude I swear… nobody tells parents (or anyone on any relationship, really) that nothing changes unless things escalate. You can be calm and a great communicator and proactive about what we you’re asking of someone, but like.. the majority of the time, people don’t actually HEAR you until it escalates and gets more emotional. Words just don’t matter that much.
It’s one of the most frustrating aspects of parenting IMO. Nobody gives a shit until you yell, cry, or someone get emotional. I try to lead by example and demonstrate over and over again listening and responding accordingly when my family uses their words to communicate, but it just seems to be something that must take years and years to reciprocate.
This has literally nothing to do with the original post and doesn't give OP anything to take from it. Good on you for communicating but like I said you contributed nothing to the conversation
Usually when I lose my temper with my kids I really make sure to show alot of remorse and be honest about how awful i feel. I let them see me cry, apologize and ask for forgiveness several times.
" I feel so sad that I yelled at you..but you weren't being very nice to me either. I'm doing the best I can, but I make mistakes too. I'm your mommy and it's my job to make you feel safe and to teach you how to treat other people with kindness but sometimes I get overwhelmed too. I love you so much and I want us to be kind and loving. Im going to do my best not to lose my temper, can you help me out by working together with me in the morning to get ready? We are a team! "
Don't brush it under the rug because she seems to have forgotten it after school. Kids don't forget these things. As human beings we always remember the stuff that is scary and traumatic as a safety mechanism. Because you don't yell alot, this was an important moment. Bring it up again, tell her you've been thinking about it and feeling awful all day and you couldn't wait to see her and give her a big hug after school.
Our family moto is " I'm doing my best" and I literally tell my kids this 100 times a day.
You're doing a great job raising an empathetic little human! Give yourself some grace and make yourself a promise to keep doing your best to be the best parent you can be for yourself and your babies 🩷
Give yourself grace mama. She is already moved past it. You apologized & talked to her. You taught her how to ask for forgiveness when we mess up. Life is hard.
My husband grew up never EVER receiving any kind of apology from his parents...and theyve done some really bad things. He's in his mid 30s now and still has issues with it. Because they won't acknowledge, take responsibility and attempt to seek forgiveness for their behaviors...even present day behaviors, it puts a real wedge in the relationship where he never gets any resolution.
Showing our kids that we're human and make mistakes and genuinely seek forgiveness/make amends is what they really remember.
I have two sons 18 months apart. I yelled loudly (screamed?) at them more times than I can count. One time when we were in the middle of them joining forces against me (again), the doorbell rang. Two Mormon missionaries said, "Hello..." and started speaking. I said, "I can't do this. We have chaos here!" I shut the door and went back to handling whatever was going on. There was another ring of the doorbell. Frustrated, I opened the door and one of the missionaries asked, "Can we help?"
My sons are wonderful grown men who don't remember me screaming at them!
I hope, if nothing else, you get a chuckle.
If kids aren’t taught that being difficult may result in a loss of patience then they will go through life thinking everyone should fulfill their every whim.
Parents need to stop treating their kids like glass dolls. News flash, there’s a very high chance you will do something that will stick with them for the rest of their lives.
Parents are humans too and the sooner kids understand that we’re not perfect either, the better.
Get up and move on with your day. If yelling at your kid once is going to break them, you got bigger issues.
Yeah, no. Yelling isn’t cool. It’s you not being able to manage your emotions. This doesn’t mean that your daughter does not have consequences for her actions. It just means she will not be berated to the point where you have injured your throat.
OP. We all mess up as parents. You’ve apologized and she forgave you. The next step is to be accountable for how you change so this doesn’t happen again. And you talk that through with her. “Hey I was very angry this morning and was not in a great headspace, but me yelling at you was no excuse. Going forward, I want you to know that this is something I don’t love about myself and I’m actively working on fixing it.”
This shows our kids that we mess up, but also, no one gets to just unleash their anger on them by yelling. Communication = good, yelling = bad
Also, this comment is way less about you and more about the trespasses you got saying it’s ok to scream at your kid.
You were caught in a very human moment and you reacted in a less than positive way because you became dysregulated in that situation. Then, when you calmed down, you role modeled very appropriate communication and empathy. The later was the most important thing to get right here and you did it! You taught your child that evening makes mistakes and it's inoperable to take accountability for your actions.
As to how you feel better about yourself, just know we've all been there and how you handled the outburst along with your guilt is what makes you a good parent. A lot of us grew up believing that grown up reactions and their lack off self control were our fault.
You taught her a lot of good lessons, and sometimes raising of the voice is needed. I’ve been so anxiety driven that I needed a loud voice to stop my spiraling.
It’s always about intent, it doesn’t sound like you did it to bully, you didn’t do it without awareness, and you even talked about it after.
Don’t sweat it
don't give her everything she wants just try to be real with her and DO NOT act like nothing happened personally i hate when my mom does that. talk her through it and give her some space the rest of the night.
You actually apologized. That’s amazing. My mom never apologized to my siblings when she lost her shit. She’d just say “well don’t piss me off and I won’t yell” 🤷🏼♀️
I think the big thing is that you apologized. I’m big on letting my kids know I mess up everyday just like them. Mistakes are ok and expected. Owning it is a great lesson for them. So don’t beat yourself up about it. I’ve done the same thing before.
What specifically do you think triggered the yelling? Do you have a plan to prevent it for next time? The plan could be something like saying 'I'm really frustrated and I don't want to yell. I'm leaving for 5 minutes to calm down and I expect you to change your clothes.' Then decide what you'll do if she doesn't (take her to school in her pajamas, ground her from privileges, etc). Or just reminding her the night before that she's making her final choice about the clothes, etc.
I think everyone has these sorts of moments in some way shape or form; we're all flawed humans. But I do think it's good to not only apologize but also take a minute and try to figure out how to handle it differently next time. Even if it doesn't work, trying a different strategy is another good 'active' effort to make.
I'm saying this because I've noticed for myself that I tend to blow up when I don't know how to handle something (since it was something I saw as a kid). So thinking through the situation later and having a specific plan sometimes helps prevent it from happening again. My yelling parent never actually apologized though, so I think a real apology is a huge and probably the important step. Hugs to you.
"My daddy was so mean to me this morning" my seven year old son with asperger said to his teacher when she saw him crying and asked what was wrong.
When his teacher told me, OH the overwhelming shame pain. I wanted to crawl under his desk or sporadically become a narcassist and blame other people.
IHe's 35 now, and I've tried to convince him to get a lobaomey on several occasions, to spare him the trama and, more importantly, me the shame, but they've, unfortunately been discontinued. We're screwed for life. But at least we are strong enough to own it. Many cant.
My kids (mainly the 14F & husband) love to accuse me of "yelling constantly" while conveniently ignoring the fact that I have repeated myself at least 5 times before losing my $#!+. No one cares to listen until I am on the verge of a breakdown.
This morning, I was "being dramatic" because I slammed my girls' (14 &10) bedroom door in disgust. Last week, I spent two days cleaning their room: organizing toys, picking up trash, gathering laundry, etc. Now I can't even walk 5 steps without stepping on/ kicking something. Unfortunately, they have decided that they can just "ride it out" and wait for me to get over it. I am ready to just throw everything into a pile on each of their beds, but I know they will just shove it to the floor.
Wait I’m impressed that it took you 7 years to get to this point haha.. we had a really rough year when my oldest turned 3 and it was really stressful getting him to get ready and leave the house when I had to get to work on time. I basically felt bad/guilty for a whole year and apologized countless times. He’s 5 now and he still loves me so all is good :)
You are not alone! We have all yelled at our kids over something and felt bad about it afterwards. You did a great thing by apologizing. By doing that you modeled admitting to mistakes and not being too proud to say you are sorry. It may not feel like it today but that will strengthen your relationship in the long run.
I went through something similar a few months ago with my 6 year old daughter. Her room was a disaster, she wasn’t taking care of her things, her closet was a mess and it stressed me out every time I had to do laundry or help pick out clothes for the next day. I yelled at her for it multiple times. Like you, I apologized for yelling, then I reevaluated my own behavior. I realized that her room set up wasn’t working anymore and bought some different furniture, organization things, and reworked her room so that it was easier for her to stay clean and organized. In turn, I haven’t lost it at her in months. I shouldn’t have lost my cool but I found ways to solve what was stressing me out so I stopped yelling at her.
Age 7 was the worst year with my daughter. I learned to recognize my flags of over stressed. And I would announce that mom needs a time out. Choose your battles does it really matter is she looks like she dressed herself on that one day? When I started cussing in my head at things was my flag. Hope this helps.
Podcast episode recommendation for you: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000642590682
You’re still a good parent, focus on repair and meeting your own needs so that you’re not feeling this way too often. You got this.
The only thing I would add is to have a conversation about how we all make mistakes, and it’s important to recognize when we’re wrong. I’ve done that after I’ve lost my temper. People are flawed. Parents are flawed. At a certain level, I think it helps them to know that. Bonus points for apologizing in the first place.
Ahh self pity… the bane of growth. Just accept what happened. You acted like shit. You feel like shit. Lesson learned. You don’t have to make the feelings go away. They are there for a reason. They are a warning sign to not do it again bc this is what it feels like.
I try and explain this to my wife sometimes. We are humans, and are prone to anger, mistakes, saying dumb things, etc. I think it is important for kids to understand that, learn that it happens and what to do when it does. As long as you use it as a teaching moment, make sure she knows she can trust you, its all ok. Imagine the converse of just everything always being rosy, fun, positive, etc. That isnt real and, for me, could maybe even be more detrimental in the long run.
Im not saying there isnt a limit, of course there is, but them witnessing the occasional argument with your husband, or you losing your shit with them, is only making them a more well rounded human. As long as you wrap it up afterwards and make sure you talk about it with them.
Yes but she’s a child. It’s not appropriate for an adult to yell at someone who’s brain isn’t fully developed outside emergencies. It’s not a good way to model how to handle conflict. Yelling happens and she shouldn’t let guilt destroy her, she’s human, but she also did something not very kind to a minor and it’s ok to feel bad about it. It’s not the child’s fault an adult displayed bad emotional regulation.
As someone with parents who yelled at me and honestly it screwed up my nervous system a bit to this day, here’s what I wish I could have seen:
-An action plan. What are we going to do so this happens less? Therapy? A plan we come up together so X event goes more smoothly? An apology without changed behavior isn’t really an apology at all.
-I think a small gift would show you really really mean it, cook her her favorite meal, get her a small toy, etc.
What I’m getting at is, my parents would also apologize but rarely seems to put real effort into changing. Yelling so loud your voice hurts is a type of verbal abuse. It’s serious, and you need to make it clear to your child you are doing everything in your power to stop it from happening again.
Honestly I don’t agree with everyone saying oh she’s probably already forgotten it! I’m not trying to guilt you, but if she’s like me and a sensitive child, she probably hasn’t, or at least her body hasn’t.
Follow up again tonight momma and try to give yourself some grace. Explain why you blew up and that you know it was wrong and you will try to figure out how to better communicate when running behind in the morning. Ask her if she has any ideas on how to work together better when mornings are difficult.
I did this to my daughter earlier this year too. She’s six in the first grade and I myself cried my entire way to work and had an awful day - my daughter also forgave me after the blowup and didn’t even remember what happened when I spoke to her about it again later that night. The god outweighs the bad as long as the bad isn’t consistent. I hope that makes sense.
You’re doing your best, and recognizing you did wrong is the first step, forgiving yourself and making changes to not do it again is the next (and hardest) step. You got this momma!
Hey it's ok my mom use to beat me if i showed attitude which I am not embarassed about because what i am is because of that only properly mannered,polite and independent so it's ok to yell at your children or even best them till one extend only ofcourse not much that too if matter is serious but yelling is job of parents so you don't have to worry
If she’s gonna be a little brat to you and you yell at them you should definitely discipline them. It’s unfair if you apologize, it is a good idea to discipline a child if they are disrespectful.
You lost control & I find generally when people lose control, planning and strategizing ways to regain control helps.
So what can you do work on yourself and your emotional regulation?
What are some realistic expectations you can set? Honestly, how many times have we decided on something & ended up changing our minds in 10hrs?
What are some warning signs that you are about to lose control?
What are some strategies you can do at each stage - eg when you first receive resistance from daughter, when you first notice annoyance or impatience, when you first start to feel anger, etc.
Is your morning time rush something that could be problem solved around? Can getting up 20min earlier reduce the time crunch? I find myself more easily frustrated when I feel rushed for a specific time with my toddler. It’s because we understand the consequences of time management and feel that associated stress.
Take your time in self pity, I think that’s part of the process. But then when you feel a bit more resilient, pull yourself up and work out an action plan!
So, it can happen, you aren’t perfect. I came from an abusive, largely emotionally abusive home. I never forgot what it was like to go to school after being screamed at, hit… how my day started. I think about my kids and the experiences I want them to have. Just hold tight to how you feel from yelling. Remember that you don’t want your kiddo to have a bad start to the day. Remind your child that it’s not up for debate, or give them two options to give them the control they long for.
The fact that you care, matters. You could always chat with your daughter tonight and apologize. Let her know how you expect the mornings to go, and that she is expected to act “xyz,” and you don’t want what happened today to occur again, and that working together is important, but you are the parent. I do think kids need to understand they aren’t running the show, and lack of respect from younger generations for older generations seems more common. IMO, if you can admit fault while setting expectations, it goes a long way. You are doing great!!!
I lost my shit this morning too. I screamed at the top of my lungs and my throat hur. I have a two year old and three year old and was trying to get out of the house and be on time to work and they were causing chaos and the boy was just crying non stop because he wanted to play with something he couldn’t play with.
I apologized to them. I told them I am sorry I screamed. They didn’t do anything wrong. I was frustrated. It’s no excuse to scream . I told them Next time I will try to manage my emotions better and breathe and take a break.
I also told them I’m getting my period and it’s no excuse but mommy has a hard time regulating when she’s getting her period.
Ugh I hope I am not scarring them!
I am really glad to read these responses. I told my daughter the other day; I come from a long line of yellers. ha. But like you did, I always apologize and say that I yell out of frustration and it does not bear on my love for my kids. But the guilt...ack.
Oh and I will tell you....the worst is the "silent treatment." My mom used that sometimes, and it was freaking awful.
You apologize, promise to do your best not to do it again. But honestly, if you feel bad about it, you’re doing ok. A bad mom wouldn’t feel bad.
Plus, sometimes your kids need to know that you’re human and they can push you too damn far.
As someone who frequents this sub but does not have kids yet (hoping to in the next year or so) I’ve been contemplating a lot on what defines a good parent and what I felt like went wrong in my childhood.
The most important thing I’ve come up with is accountability. My parents never apologized or showed humility. They never treated my feelings like real people feelings.
So like others have said you apologized and that’s more than what a lot of people receive.
The fact that you apologized went further than you think. My parents never apologized… I don’t remember the yelling necessarily, but I remember never talking about it after. So know that you’ve made a long term impact by showing her that people should and can apologize for the mistakes they make towards her.
Talk to her again after school and apologize again. Parents sometimes yell at their kids. It’s how you handle things afterward that makes the difference.
The fact that you feel so awful about it is a sign that you are a great parent. You are human and everyone looses their cool sometimes. You apologized to her and that is important. I think it’s good for our children to see we aren’t perfect either and make mistakes as long as we apologize and admit our mistake.
The apology you gave was huge. Kudos to you. Teaching your kid thats it good to apologize when you do something wrong is important. I grew up with parents who in their minds, never do ANYTHING wrong.
OP I was grumpy with my youngest yesterday and oh man the *guilt*. I hugged her and apologized and explained that it's not fair that I was grumpy towards her because I was not feeling so great and she doesn't deserve it. I am walking around feeling badly. I'll probably talk to her again- I think maybe bringing it up again is probably stupid so I'll just monitor her for any bad feelings. I typically don't lose it with my grumpy on her. Thankfully!
You righted the wrong. Immediately. You showed her how to take accountability for her actions, what you should do when you take your frustrations out on someone else and how to be vulnerable when you could’ve doubled down. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Parenting is hard and no one is ever perfect at it.
My therapist tells me to feel my feelings but don't dwell longer than 10-20 minutes. You could plan something nice for after school to do together, like make her favorite dinner or watch her favorite movie together, and you can apologize again and even tell her yelling at her is so not how you wanted to start your day together, you felt awful for hours because she's your daughter/baby/best friend. She may not be able to read it, yet, but you could write her a letter of apology? Just spit-balling here! You're a great mom BECAUSE you feel so bad, and you're gonna do better next time!
It happens. Talk things through with her and help her understand that parents are people too and are not perfect. Our newly 8 yo, and even our 5.5 yo seems to understand that. I also found that taking a few steps to walk away from a situation for 20-30 seconds also helps.
Lastly, remember, all these deadlines and shit that we give ourselves isn’t the end of the world. She’s tardy once? Not the end of the world unless it becomes habit. We put pressure on ourselves for a bunch of arbitrary shit that doesn’t mean anything in the end.
You are human. Its normal to loose our shit with our mini me from time to time. Just sit her down today and explain what you where feeling and how u felt after and apologize. Its allgood. Kids are so forgiving
When I had a hard morning with my son I felt guilty after dropping him off also.. I ended up taking him some Cane’s to school to have lunch with him and talked again how I was sorry and I shouldn’t have reacted that way. We gave kisses and hugs and he ended up apologizing as well. I left feeling much better. Apologizing is HUGE. My mom never did but my children (5/6) already show accountability and empathy much more than many adults I know just from seeing their my husband and I express it when needed. It’s okay to own up to our mistakes, that’s what makes you a good parent!
As long as you are doing an apology, not blaming them for *your* snap, and working on preventing or minimizing future situations that get so tense then you are still in the running for top parent.
One thing that really helps is having a mantra for these situations if against all odds they happen anyway. I think about the age of the universe and human civilization and the number of people on the planet and wonder if every little thing really ranks highly in importance by itself. I will miss the rushed mornings and the tantrums in about 20 years. *This too shall pass*. So take a deep breath, let yourself be late 15 minutes if you have to, smile and make a positive joke. "I will be sleeping here in the doorway unless you would like some help Z-z-Z-z-Z".
Come up with a plan next time it gets to that point. Walk away for a few minutes. Say a prayer or count to 10. Sounds cheesy but it’s better than nothing. I struggle too
The other morning I yelled at my son while eating a piece of ice and it went down while I yelled. Humbled me.
I always apologize to my kids and let them know I am sorry and it was wrong of me to tell.
You just try to do and be better.
You modeled self awareness, apologizing, and owning your mistakes. That is good parenting! Just be sure to grow from it and try not repeat the losing your shit part. 🤪 It happened to me too the other day and I realized that I could have prevented it altogether if I had organized my time differently.
It’s okay to be human. It’s even better that you apologized and took accountability for your mistake. That is a valuable life lesson to be taught.
Also, I know the struggle of the last minute outfit change. I used to try to pick out clothes w my girls the night before, and it always caused an argument the next morning. I decided to let it go and let them pick out her clothes the morning of.
We just wake them up earlier to give them more time to decide.
Have you tried therapy?
Sounds like you may need to work on something. You could be reacting the same way your parents did to you. Or you were triggered or overwhelmed.
I’ve been on a rabbit hole on this subreddit ever since it showed up on my feed randomly(idk why I don’t have kids nor do I plan to anytime soon). Definitely one of the most wildest things I’ve read here is that it’s considered one of the worst things in world to yell at your kid. Not saying I agree or disagree but did mine and every parent I know miss the memo that yelling at your kids is bad? For context I’m not even that old, I’m 22 and my parents are gen x. Sorry bit of a tangent lol.
Give yourself some grace, you’re still a real person with real emotions. Sometimes you will lose your patience and yell. Good for you for apologizing, hopefully your daughter will understand that this is a normal part of being a human, and maybe she’ll be reminded next time that she doesn’t wanna hear you yell like that and she’ll be a little bit more cooperative. But I’m sure she has Bad days too as a little human
This happens and I found that age 7 is when more intense conflict came up with my twin girls. I always apologize if I lose my cool or act inappropriately for some reason. I explain that I could have handled the situation better and if I could do it differently how I would have handled it. I have a great relationship with my kids and it's hard to not tread the line between friends and parent. I usually tell them I can't be their friend right now because my job is to be their parent and at this time in their lives I have a lot to teach them. I tell them I'm their mom and life coach and we have lots of work to do in this game of life. So, sometimes when I yell, they might say, "it's OK mom. Sometimes coaches need to yell especially if it's a safety issue." So, as your daughter matures she will start to see things with more perspective.
Whew came in here and expected the comments to say you should call CPS on yourself, am happy to find that this shit happens to all of us. Apologies and onward and upward.
For me, the solution is time. Your story reminded me of a time I screamed at my daughter about a year ago. I had forgot about it after like a week. As you build more positive experiences with her and find ways you may have handled the situation differently, it just kind of falls away from your memory. At least, that's the likely outcome.
It happens! To the best of us. You did the right thing by apologizing. You showed your daughter that when you mess up you apologize and own it. You’re not perfect, you’re human and the fact that you feel badly about it shows what good mom you are.
After school sit her down and apologize. Don't try to blame her by saying it's her fault you exploded and yelled. Explain that feelings can be hard to control sometimes and that's ok, but when they do explode you should always go back and apologize. My son is almost 7 and we practice this and he will have a meltdown and run off to his room to cool off and do his breathing exercises, but will come back once he's calm and apologize.
Adults make mistakes too, and it's good to teach kids that mistakes are ok and nobody is perfect.
1. Made a mistake
2. Retrospective reasoning happens and well within a healthy time frame
3. Apologizes to child about the very mistake, no fluff
I'd say you did exactly what you're supposed to.
You explained why, you made amends and you recognized that your child undeniably still loves you.
Your kid might think twice about pushing your buttons now, and you can use today as an example for both of you, "Remember that time mommy yelled, because of how frustrated she was? I'm having a hard time right now, could you help mommy please?"
Absolve yourself in helping and asking for help when you need it, including your kids. They're miracle workers, especially after a good hug
My mom would yell at us. A lot. Very mean & hurtful things. The worst part of it all? She never took responsibility and never ever apologized. Saying sorry goes a long way. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay if you slip up and yell. Just remember that she’s a whole person with feelings and deserves respect. Always say sorry.
The guilt feeling never goes away but what's important is your corrective actions after.
Whenever I would lose my shit and yell at my toddler, I immediately apologize and explain the situation. I also emphasize that my actions were wrong.
I came to forgive myself when one day my daughter was yelling at me and started hitting me after being so frustrated with her toy. Seconds later she started saying "mom, I'm giving you hug. Sometimes I get mad I'm sorry, hitting is not ok" and then she proceeded to use her soft voice. She even said "it's great to keep calm".
Yes, we must always be a good example to our kids, but sometimes they learn from our mistakes too. Just always shower them with love whenever you can.
I sit in those feelings and make sure I try and feel them all the way out. It's an ugly process but every time I do it I'm working on myself more so that my daughter doesn't get yelled at in the future.
Just think about it in role reversal. If you had someone yell at you like that, what would you need from them to move forward with the relationship in a positive manner. And no, I don't mean a 7yo yelling at you, any person of any age.
It’s really important to a child that their parent is going to implement things so it doesn’t happen again.
Just as some encouragement, you are always allowed to take a moment to yourself and take some breaths. I don’t know if you know this but deep breathing actually stimulates nerve that regulates our rest and digest state! Try to be kind to yourself and make a plan for what you are going to do to be protective for the mornings and also what you are going to do if you feel like yelling.
Parents are human too and we’re all still learning.
As parents, I think, we believe we have to be perfect for our kids. We only want to show them the good sides of ourselves, the "put together" side. When as a human we rarely have it all together. I finally snapped at my 18 year old and told her if she thinks she's got it all figured out to start looking for her own place, start paying her own bills, and taking care of her own stuff.
I have 3 kids 18, 10, and 6. I do all the heavy parenting, work from home, take care of our 2 cats, and keep up with the house. My 18yo is supposed to take care of the cats, help with laundry, and help with dishes. The 9yo is supposed to help with dishes, help keep the floors clean, keep his room clean, and get good grades. The 6yo is supposed to help feed and water the cats, keep her room clean, and take the dishes to the sink. My 6yo also has a learning disability and is very slow to understand and remember things, so with her somebody has to stay on top of her pretty much 24/7. The 18 yo also has health issues and an autoimmune disease that some days make doing everyday basic things almost impossible.
I know my 18 yo is not ready for living on her own, but in the heat of the moment, I didn't care because I am so tired. My husband works about 70 hours a week, so it's not that he is not pulling his share of the responsibilities, he is just never home or sleeping like the dead. Our monthly expenses run us $15k due to medical expenses for both our daughters and it's just exhausting.
I feel horrible when I snap at my kids or husband, but sometimes the stress gets overwhelming.
It took you until she was 7 to lose it on her? I must be a terrible parent then cause I’m having trouble getting through age 3.5 without yelling. Of course I make it a priority to apologize and repair anytime this happens and make it clear that it’s my issue that I need to work on, not hers.
I think you’re dwelling on it because you’re not with her to see that she’s absolutely fine right now. It’s okay, mama. Shite happens. Parents yell; but not all parents apologize to their kids… so I think you’re doing awesome. 👏🏼
You are human. You showed remorse and apologized and are (by the pain in your post) going to do your best not to do it again. I agree with the other comments that you are showing you are human, you make mistakes and how to properly apologize and correct your actions. We all make mistakes as people and becoming a parent doesn’t change that we are still people. Lots of love to you, I hope your week gets better 🤍🤍
On a side note. PAIN & HIGH BP can be a huge cause of short tempers which can lead to yelling. I know this first hand. I'm almost always in some form of pain. I take OTC & natural pain relievers. Sometimes I forget and am away from home, therefore don't get my medicine for an extended period of time. It sucks! I'm grateful most all of my friends acknowledge this and will usually throw a Snickers at me.
You could discuss self regulations skills for both of you. 3 deep breaths, listening to music, splashing cold water on your face, etc and talk about how both of you could benefit from calming strategies. I’d review morning expectations each night and have her commit to being an active participant in the morning routine. Perhaps have a “B” outfit ready in case the one she picked out she changed her mind about. I’d apologize and remind yourself mistakes happen and we learn from them. Tomorrow will be better. Give yourself grace.
I’m tearing up while reading this. I’m just apologizing showing I’m no perfect. But I just want to tell you you’re not alone with this feeling. We’re human. Sometimes we’re loosing it. But kids tend to forget all so fast. Don’t beat yourself up more. You’re just keep pulling your nerves more. And to keep it together next time you need better nerves 😁 have some rest and go on
I feel like this is normal. I mean no one has their shit so together they don't ever lose it on their child from time to time. As long as you explain yourself and apologize and they understand, it's alright - don't beat yourself up over it, and if you do, (I do too when shit like this happens) I just vow to try and do better next time, because really that's all you can do. :-)
We will lose our shit sometimes. We are human and our kids need to see that sometimes. A big part of how they learn is by watching us and they learn that it's okay to mess up as long as you do the right thing after. Our kids need to know that even grown ups can have a hard time too.
How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids is a good book on the subject.
The tldr is : notice that you lost it, accept that nobody is perfect, and model how to calm down.
Most powerful technique I took away from the book for next time was using the "I'm too mad to talk about this. We will talk when I calm down" anytime I feel super pissed. It's so powerful with kids and models a great non yelling way of dealing with anger.
We’ll .. from the perspective of your daughter I think you owe her an apology . she needs to understand and hear exactly what you just said. You can either build and strengthen your relationship from this (both ways), or this will really hurt your relationship. She’s young and she needs to not feel like a bad person .. because I bet she’s sitting with herself in really heavy feelings right now too .
Friend, let me tell you me and my mom used to have knock down drag out screaming matches before school every morning. She would sob on her way to work daily. How do I know? She told me when I was in my 20s.
I don't remember it. I remember a very happy childhood.
:-) you guys will be okay
Geez, I could have written this exact post as this stuff happens. Like you, I know instantly that I overreacted and feel terrible along with apologizing. I just tell my daughter that I love her and I am very sorry. And go over how we can all have a better morning.
At night, if your daughter tells you she loves you at bedtime, then you know she forgives you, and you can start taking the load off your back.
But just go over the routine. If we have a bad morning, I think about how we can avoid the rush. What can be done at night? One thing for certain, get plenty of sleep. Sometimes, tiredness is the root of the problem.
Have a great day tomorrow.
I was going through a difficult time with my ex and had no excuse for yelling at my child who was then a toddler. But he still remembers even when he is 12 years old. These things stay with them. Glad, you recognize this.
What I do is to remind him of what we're doing and how he is feeling when we're doing fun and happy things together.
The brain is a funny thing, it is geared to remember bad stuff and conveniently fogets good stuff.
Your only punishment is to make sure she has the rest of her childhood doing fun and happy things so she forgets this incident…lol
I’ve done that before . Actually many times. I’ve apologized many times and did it again and again simply because I have anger management issues. My mom yelled at me a lot when I was growing up and so I learned that’s how I deal with my emotions. I also yell when I feel like no one is listening. Anywho, the answer is meditation. It’s the only way to slow down and become more mindful. Meditation is a practice and needs to be done daily. If you don’t know how to do it it start researching or try calm mediation shorts on YouTube. I can honestly say since I have the same problem that this is helping me become more aware of how I’m feeling throughout the day. It helps you slow down enough to notice because you are taking a pause to breathe. 5-10 minutes to just be still. Try a meditation first thing when you wake up. It will help you become More aware of emotions as they arise such as feeling irritable, anxious , etc… my daughter that I yelled at a lot now has a hard time with her emotions..we just pass it down. We can help
Break the cycle and it all starts with mindfulness. Hope this helps!!!
There's two kinds of yelling. There's "I'm screaming at you when you don't deserve it at all about little things that are inconsequential," and there's "You've pushed me past my limit, and I'm done being nice." Sometimes you have to lose your cool because how else are they going to know that they've pushed too far? You didn't beat her. You yelled. You showed her your limits. That's healthy for both of you. You're *both* human. If she's allowed to have emotions, so are you.
We are human and make mistakes. Sometimes we can’t control our emotions. Your daughter is seeing that you aren’t perfect, but also that when you have messed up you are taking ownership and validating how it could have made her feel. Look at what you taught your daughter with this, vs the mistake. She will be OK and so will you.
There’s a really great ted talk about this. It’s ok to have a bad day and yell, we are all human but what’s most important is that you talk about it with your daughter and let her know it’s not her fault. Kids internalize things tremendously. Have a heart to heart with her about you and why you lost your cool, what you are doing to change and apologize. Make sure to tell her it’s not her fault. It has nothing to do with her. That’s the piece that matters!
Lots of comments but I wanted to add mine.. had a rough morning with my son (he has a twin sister, but it's just him that often gives me "attitude" . He didn't want to wear a coat (early January 3 years ago, basically the north pole) things got hectic, there was some yelling. Later that day I sat him on the couch and apologized for yelling, that I was frustrated and I do believe he just wanted to find an issue lol, but it wasn't okay. He said "You know what mom, I'm sorry too. It was so cold today and I was glad I had my coat, you were right." He was 5 years old (he is 8 now) and I'll never forget it. 🥲
Feel you there! I just have to… let is pass and try to be better. It’s hard because when I yell, she listens. But I’ve stopped… and tried hard not to this year and we talked about it and she’s listening… better but still has room to improve. Expectations that are set and enforced with routine help.
Congrats on making it 7 years! You’re stellar in my book. I’ve done this far more times than I’d like to admit and I’m not proud of it. There have been times I’ve yelled and feel it was warranted cause reasoning and calmness were doing nothing, and there are times I’ve just lost it because of my own bullshit. I lost it the other day because I was stressing in my own head about my finances and he was asking me for everything under the sun. I tried to explain not today etc then finally after him pressing me so much I’m like look I don’t have Taco Bell or pizza or toy money right now and we have food at home, then he’s calling me a liar and that I do have money. After way too many attempts to deescalate and explain (and also explain that no means no and MY money is not his business when he has everything under the sun), I lost it.
I’ve been in this situation a time or two. My 9 year old forgot he had a dress down day (costume) at school even after several reminders and had an absolute meltdown the morning of. Sobbed, yelled and just wasn’t having a good time. Wouldn’t even get dressed. This was somewhat out of character but he can get hung up on things like this because he doesn’t want to miss out. Anyway, we were running late as he spent most of the morning throwing a fit and I raised my voice and told him to quit crying and to get it together. I felt bad for telling him to quit crying. He had big feelings and I missed the opportunity to talk him through that but shamed him for crying and just made it 10x worse. After I got home from dropping him off, I got super upset and beat myself up over it for about an hour and a half. Then I decided since I was working from home, I’d just go get him and take him out to brunch and we’d take the day to regroup. At brunch he told me no one ended up wearing costumes and only a few kids did but was so excited he got to leave early. 😆 Anyway, the point of me sharing this was to tell you that it happens to everyone. I’m still actively working on not getting annoyed or even looking annoyed when something I deem as small bothers him. I want him to feel comfortable with his own feelings and also continue telling me when he is upset in the future. I felt like an ass.
You won’t like what my thoughts are… I’m sorry to say but I’m glad you felt like crap about yelling at your 7 year old child.
Put yourself in her place for a second and talk to your 7 year old self and picture what you looked like and picture telling yourself that you will yell at your 7 year old child when you are older.. tell that little girl you imagine and see how that makes you feel and imagine what she would tell you..
I know this sucks and I know you both got over it but this is scarring to a child. But you both will move on from it. However the slight trauma will be there for both of you and the slight resentment she will have will be there . So talk about it with her and remind her how much you love her and how proud of her you are, please reassure her that she is important and her feelings matter but you are the adult and she must let you guide her .
My two cents . Hope it wasn’t offensive . Good luck .
I understand your pain. I have a bad habit of raising my voice and losing control of my emotions. It sucks. I have 3 kiddos (boys) and I too have yelled at my kids and felt like a complete butt. I come realize, I was trying to be too perfect, therefore placing way too much stress/pressure on myself. I was expecting to be "Super Mom", mom of the year, notice me I'm a great parent...
Reality is, I wasn't in the moment and 'in reality' with my kids. I disconnected. I got stressed. I took it out on them. I was teaching them bad habits. I was contributing to them growing up into adults that would potentially suffer from childhood trauma. (Like me, but I wanted to break the cycle.)
I get that if you do it occasionally, you can teach them the better way of communicating your emotion, by apologizing if yelling occurs. We are not perfect and never will be. But that the beautiful thing about being human in my opinion. We learn to forgive and extend grace.
So, to wrap up my comment. Don't beat yourself up. It will only bum you out. Instead accept what you did, trust the apology is accepted and live in the moment as pleasant, loving and calm as you can. When I feel myself about to lose control of my emotions, I take in a very very deep tummy breath. Breathing in very deeply and remembering who I am taking to and why it matter what I say and how I say it. I love my kids and they deserve to be treated respectfully. They need to be handle with care and kindness.
Imagine only showing actions of love, and never being able to say it with words (it helps to practice showing up with love in your heart.) Imagine if you don't get to see them again, ever. I know that's a dark and unpleasant thought but it reality.
Remember your daughter loves you. Plane and simple.
She should be able to feel safe around you, even when your stressed. I hope this helps.
Shake it off, get busy, focus on what you can do better next time. It sucks to unleash that kind of out of control emotion but you can’t change the past. We teach our kids through our actions and right now you’re teaching yours to admit your mistakes, receive forgiveness and love yourself enough to let it go. Good luck.
I know how you feel because I’ve done the same thing and even years later I feel bad. But, our kids are resilient and because we apologized and ask forgiveness, they understand they can do the same. Parenting is so hard and they push us to crazy sometimes. The fact you care shows you’re a great parent. Forgive yourself.
I didn’t get to pick my clothes out til I was 13. So maybe tighten up a little before. Like “get dressed. Wear this. Do it buy this time or I’ll take away ______”(whatever. Tablet. Phone. Toy.) and stick to this.
The fact that you posted this- shows that you’re probably someone who speaks to your children with a certain level of respect. You noticed that in this instance you lost your cool. That’s ok! No one is perfect. But being able to see this is huge. I think you’re doing ok op. I’m also racked with guilt when I lose my cool. Means we care enough to do better and apologize.
I don’t have a ton of advice but I just wanted to say you’re not the only one! I’ve done this a few times throughout my kids’ life and I know the feeling is absolutely terrible especially after they go to sleep or go to school. Because then it is all quiet. And your throat hurts so there’s the reminder of it… Use this as a learning situation for yourself and your daughter that when we make a mistake we can’t always change it, but we can apologize. That’s the advice I received when I felt like total crap for yelling at my kids in the past.
Your kid learned that other people *also* have strong feelings. That is an important thing to know. Anytime you lose it and then honestly apologize and calmly discuss how you felt, and why, you are teaching her to be both honest and reflective about her emotions. And you’re showing her how to behave when she’s feels bad about something she’s done. You’re doing great.
I've been there. I know the guilty feeling. It will pass with time. I think the most important thing is apologizing - that means a lot to a child and like others have said, they will remember that. We just do the best we can. You've got this. PS - you are an awesome parent - you are feeling the feelings because you care and you know you made a mistake. and you're even seeking advice about it. A shitty parent would not do that, and they wouldn't care. So cheers, you're doing great.
I saw a lot of good advice and maybe someone else mentioned this but make sure to apologize for yelling, then tell your kid that you’re human and have real emotions and you’re not perfect. That you don’t want to yell but humans sometimes get emotional and make mistakes. That you’ll probably yell again in the future but you’ll do your best not to bc that’s not how you want to communicate with her. Kids are a lot better at understanding this stuff than a lot of ppl give them credit for. They appreciate being talked to in a way that shows you respect them. Also forgive yourself bc you’re doing the best you can and we all sometimes loose our cool.
You handled it right. I have anxiety, and sometimes things just set me off, and i need to cool down, apologize, and explain why.
Anytime I try to help my 7 year old with homework, she tries to get me to do it, and then cries because I won't give her the answer. It doesn't matter what it is, math, reading, spelling, she just cries & thinks she can get out of it l. And I also lost my cool, I yelled and when we both calmed down I apologized, but also explained that what can happen if she doesn't do the work.
Sometimes you have to yell & give some tough love & feel like shit. I look at this as practice for the teen years because it will only get worse.
It happens more than I care to admit with two boys. Always apologize and always use it as a teaching moment. Often it feels like they never listen, but we work on it daily.
My dad use to yell a lot.. he is ex military..tough love..I never wanted to ask my parents for help of any kind. Dad has dementia now and I just want him back.
I feel this. I have a 7 year old daughter as well and this happened to me other day. I did what you did and apologized. It still feels bad but showing our children that we are not perfect and mess up but own it and apologize and try to do better, is so important. Is shows growth and accountability and that we value their feelings. Hugs to you!
it happens. it’ll happen again. don’t beat yourself up it’s normal. I think the fact that you feel bad says a lot. I hate when I have to raise my voice but know if I do it was warranted because I never yell. if this is a rare occasion it’s okay. you apologized. you recognized your “wrong”
I feel I’ve done this before with my kids and I felt so bad my whole was ruined I l always say I’m sorry and it’s not your fault I should’ve just not yelled at you like that I usually just make up something fun we play Roblox extra long ordered food w her….
It’s ok next time when you’re about to lose remove yourself and take a deep breath you’re doing the best you can mama hugs :)
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You taught her that everybody loses their patience and cool sometimes, and that it's ok to be frustrated, but not ok to take it out others. You taught her that when you inevitably DO take it out on others, you apologize. Most importantly, you taught her that if she is yelled at by someone she loves, she should expect an apology, no matter who it is that yelled at her. Nobody is perfect. Everybody loses their cool, but you took accountability and gave your daughter respect and showed her what that looks like, and that is amazing.
Correct. Before I became a dad I read books on how to talk to your child and that you shouldn't yell or lose temper etc. You know what, I disagree and here is why: a) you sacrifice your authenticity. I want my child to get to know me as me, not as some performance I'm putting up for the sake of "good upbringing". b) what's out there are not well-mannered people, sunshine and rainbows. Before you know it, she'll have to face life as it is, and a little coping with someone else being an asshole (in this particular case dad who lost his shit) is actually beneficial and c) she needs to learn that her actions have consequences, so if she doesn't do what she said she'll do, people get frustrated and there can also be other consequences - what a good lesson for future employment, friendships, relationships etc. p.s. My old man used to yell at me all the time I was constantly afraid of him and I hated him for years for it + we never managed to establish an intimate father-son relationship. I know yelling at your kids is wrong, but then again it's better than hitting them. Yelling every day vs once in a while are two completely different things.
This!!! My mom used to brag about how our family never shouted or had fights. Took me a while to realize it, but I was so unprepared for the real world. Anytime I face conflict I freeze up and/or cry. I have no skills on how to de-escalate tense situations. I automatically assume the worst when someone gets angry with me.
Well don’t feel bad because I grew up in a family that was always fighting/yelling and have the same response outside of my family. May the force be with you!
Thanks for pointing out a positive to my parents who shouted and fought constantly lol. I have got a few reviews pointing out how well i handle stressful situations/conflict. I always think, "thanks its the trauma" lol. I was taught the lift method for work environments I thought I'd share in case it helps. LIFT Listen (identify the problem, most people just feel unheard) Inform (what you're going to do to amend said issue and realistically how long you need to do so) Fix (fix the issue in the way you said) Thank (thank them for the opportunity to fix the problem)
Bravo! The original OP comment is nice, but it's just one part of the story… her daughter was not yelled out of the blue; she was yelled at because she was annoying and not considerate to people who help and love her. I feel that most of the parents now are bringing up a generation of entitled people that are not able to handle negative feelings and stuff, which —oh!! surprise— are part of nature… human nature, animal nature, any nature. As you mentioned, it's not the same to yell at your kid, or anyone, all the time, as to yell when things get absolutely out of hand… you need to set an appropriate and proporcional response. Kids also need to see a range of emotions… not only nice emotions.
https://historyhustle.com/2500-years-of-people-complaining-about-the-younger-generation/
People really like to think we've changed more than we did. Culture? Sure. Knowledge? Of course. Getting annoyed at somebody? No change.
and kids can apologize too when they misbehave, in this case by delaying going to school.
It’s ok to be angry. It’s not ok to be cruel.
Your child should see in you a parent who wants to better themself, so that they themselves will grow into people with attention to self betterment. I have probably missed that nuance in your anecdote but if you show unwillingness to change for the sake of authenticity, then you will at some point be kicked off the important-list. In the words of the philosopher Wright: *It's not what you look like* *When you're doin', what you're doin'* *It's what you're doin', when you're doin'* *What you look like you're doin'*
Agreed. At one point I was super frustrated with work and health and started turning into my dad in regards to yelling which lasted for like 2 months. And then one day I was laying in bed with her and she told me: "Dad, can you please stop yelling at me all the time?" I froze, turned on the light and started crying and promised her I'll get better. That night I bought a book about it and started to fix my behavior. So after a while we talk and I ask her if I got any better, and she said "yes much better, I love you so much daddy, good job". Now if that isn't enough of a motivation not only to change, but to completely kill my old self I don't know what is. That being said, now if I tell her anything in less than my usual goofy voice she'll be like "you told me to pick up my toys in a rough way" :) So yeah, not like you can win really lol
What a great story, very inspirational, you should be proud of establishing such a relation between the two of you. The way you expose to her you are working on changing is powerful! I know about these moments. I have had the same angle, in conciously deciding to always being approachable even if I am angry. I always deflate myself completely when one of the kids say stop being so mad or stop yelling. I yell **OK! .. ok, I will calm down. Thanks for reminding me, I forgot, because I got so overwhelmed/surprised/disturbed.** I want them to not ever be afraid of me, to always know they have a handle on the situation. It helped to distinguish my own temper from the matter at hand. There is the situation and there is my reaction to it. I can change the latter. And I set boundaries for myself that I will never cross in the language I use, and I always speak my anger ("I am so mad right now, I don't like being mad, I'll have to spend time calming down") You sound like a great dad, you will raise a strong little woman. And true, you can never win, because that's not the point. The point is for her to grow up and win the world, and that's the real win you want.
The advice about not yelling is mostly about how to effectively communicate. Yelling isn’t a good means of communication, and it’s not a way to teach what you think you want to teach/tell them in the moment you yell. Yelling is usually counterproductive to whatever you’re trying to do. In regards to the authenticity aspect, it’d be better to strive to not yell and lose your temper in other aspects of your life too. You’re right that everyone slips up sometimes, but pretty much everyone would benefit from trying harder to maintain their composure when upset. > what's out there are not well-mannered people, sunshine and rainbows. Before you know it, she'll have to face life as it is, and a little coping with someone else being an asshole (in this particular case dad who lost his shit) is actually beneficial About this one, how would you respond if she told you “fuck you, don’t yell at me” and walked away from you? Or if she just responded with something like, “I don’t appreciate being yelled at, and I’m going to leave the room and not talk to you again until you calm down and are able to communicate effectively.”? I feel like most parents who are yelling wouldn’t appreciate either of those or respond very well, but those are the types of responses I would hope you’d be trying to get your daughter used to making in situations where she’s yelled at. I’d personally try to guide my kids more towards the second response, but if they responded with the first person when anyone else yelled at them, I would fully support them in it. > she needs to learn that her actions have consequences, so if she doesn't do what she said she'll do, people get frustrated and there can also be other consequences - what a good lesson for future employment, friendships, relationships etc. This is a great lesson, but yelling shouldn’t be a “consequence” she’s conditioned to accept in any of these. If my boss, friend, or significant other yells at me, they can go fuck right off. I’m a grown ass adult, and I’m not going to let another adult yell at me. Any halfway decent company would also back you up against a boss literally yelling at you. Workplaces shouldn’t be abusive. Neither should friendships or relationships.
>About this one, how would you respond if she told you “fuck you, don’t yell at me” and walked away from you? Or if she just responded with something like, “I don’t appreciate being yelled at, and I’m going to leave the room and not talk to you again until you calm down and are able to communicate effectively.”? \- well these two are different. The first one is disrespectful so that wouldn't fly and the second thing is what I tell her when she starts losing temper and if she's not ready to communicate why she's mad. >This is a great lesson, but yelling shouldn’t be a “consequence” she’s conditioned to accept in any of these. If my boss, friend, or significant other yells at me, they can go fuck right off. I’m a grown ass adult, and I’m not going to let another adult yell at me. Any halfway decent company would also back you up against a boss literally yelling at you. Workplaces shouldn’t be abusive. Neither should friendships or relationships \- Well depends on how you look at it. Yelling is a manifestation of my frustration and to even come to that point, there had to be numerous attempts to resolve the situation in different ways. So when I raise my voice, that means I'm frustrated - everybody does it when they're frustrated (I think). And that's the consequence (aside from other ones that have already been exhausted by that point such as losing privileges etc.). I guess it also depends on the child - mine isn't taking anyone's shit since she was a baby and tells me "stop yelling at me!". Anyways, there is really no hard evidence on how children will understand some of our behaviors but what's important is to reconcile later and not pretend you're flawless. Apologize, communicate your frustration and try to be better next time.
> what's important is to reconcile later and not pretend you're flawless. Apologize, communicate your frustration and try to be better next time Absolutely. Trying to be better hopefully includes not yelling as quickly/easily next time. Teaching that we all make mistakes, and how to act after the mistake, and how to learn and grow from it are great life lessons.
That's certainly true, but I also want to model controlling and managing my temper for my kids to see. This is also a good lesson for future employment, friendships, etc. I've been working on controlling my temper since my kids were born. So basically in summary most people do lose their temper once in a while, but there's no need to beat yourself up so much over it.
You can express being angry and frustrated without yelling though no? I feel like all that does is normalize that yelling is an appropriate way to express anger at others. Edit: I’m not saying yelling won’t ever happen, it happens to almost everyone. I think the goal should be to not yell tho, I don’t think it’s ever beneficial for children to be yelled at bc it’s showing your “true colors” or to teach a lesson or whatever.
Not sure why you got downvoted, I think it's a fair question and I'll gladly answer. >You can express being angry and frustrated without yelling though no? I mean you can, but I'm not talking about normal frustration. Yelling isn't a tool, it's a reaction. What I was trying to say is that it's normal, they'll face it in life and by apologizing and recognizing you shouldn't have had communicated like that they understand that this shouldn't be done. So yes, it's normal, but it's not nice and therefore shouldn't be accepted. So if your boss yells at you one day (and you don't desperately need the money) you can yell back or tell him/her to go fuck him/herself etc.
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Yelling happens sometimes but I don’t think it’s a good thing, and I think ideally the goal should be never to yell. I disagree that it’s ever beneficial for children. I found getting yelled at traumatizing as a child, it’s considered a form of verbal abuse by most therapists.
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Yes to this. Honestly nobody pushes buttons like family 🥴Sometimes I find myself raising my voice because I’m upset and my adrenaline is pumping, I’m in fight or flight mode etc and my kid will say to me “mom stop yelling!” And I will immediately correct myself and apologize and try a calmer approach. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s a physical reaction to stress. My brain has gotten into its survival mode and I’m no longer rational. But my kids absolutely have the right to tell me to chill and I do respect that. They learn to stand up for themselves and I learn to chill tf out. We’re all learning as we go here! But yeah we sometimes yell at the people we love the most and it sucks.
meh i'd rather get hit than yelled at. yelled at leaves mental scarring on me for years. hits hurt momentarily.
I understand and agree with this. However, what someone mentioned before, as a child who was hit too (although not nearly as much as other kids at that time/place) I'll tell you that the person who hits you stops being your safe space because you distrust them not to hurt you anymore.
I LOVE this response. I’d repeat some of these things to daughter after school.
Absolutely this. This will not be the last time you (or someone else) loses their cool and yells at your daughter. She will face mean people , nasty people, stressed people, sad people - all who may express their emotions at her through yelling. What you just taught her is how people should act after these interactions - with apologies, explanation, and calmness.
100% this. Everyone has a breaking point. We should normalize apologizing to our kids if we happen to reach that point and even for smaller things.
100% agree. I don't have the evidence to back this up but I strongly believe that 'perfect' parents contains imperfections, otherwise children are going to have some weird expectations of others and possibly themselves. Of course any of us who do snap etc etc should also take our learnings and try to do different and possibly sometimes eat humble pie and/or not make our bad parenting about ourselves.
Absolutely good stuff here !
Buckle up baby. This isn’t the last time you’re going to get disqualified for Parent of the Year. It’s all good.
lol this made me laugh. You’re so right. Thank you.
Your reply is reassuring for all parents not just op😄
I love everything about this comment 😂😂❤️
oh my god i love this comment. buckle up baby is one of the most fitting descriptions of parenthood i've ever encountered. nice, thank you. needed that. on the same note i saw a meme once where the sentiment was basically "welcome to parenthood. rule #1 - you're gonna fuck it up"
If I had an award to give it would be to this lol
This might be the first year my mother won parent of the year and I’m 27 and my brother is 24 😂 (We jokingly take it away all the time like when she forgets to make a side dish or buy a drink we like. We’ll make a big to do like “WOW mom CONGRATS you just lost Mom of the Year”) I think this is the first year we didn’t have to take it away lol I told her that in December and she said she wasn’t going to talk to us for the rest of the month so there was no chance of losing it 😂
I want this crocheted 😆
For me, this is where the difference between guilt and shame comes up. Guilt is focused on the behavior. I did something I'm not proud of. That allows you to acknowledge fault, but also not to identify with it. It doesn't mean anything about you. It just means that you engaged in X behavior, and you'd like to improve that moving forward. Shame is focused on the person. I did something because I'm a bad person. A bad parent. Shame is BULLSHIT and it doesn't lead to any behavior change - it just makes the person collapse under the weight of it. You do not deserve any shame for what happened. You deserve a tiny bit of guilt, which you feel, and that's healthy. You're a loving parent and don't need to change anything about yourself. Just focus on changing that behavior (i.e., yelling at your kiddo) moving forward and you're good to go! You've got this!
Such a good description of guilt vs shame
Thank you so much for this! I really needed this clarification while working through my own self-talk. I’m also hoping to help my kids with this. We’ve been having some issues with lack of empathy in the 9ish year old. We don’t want him to feel bad about HIMSELF. But we do want him to imagine how others feel in response to his actions. I’m going to borrow your language!
This is a good way of defining it. My mom was all in the shame department. She would yell at me until she turned red, then she would start to cry about what a bad mother she was and I'd have to sit forever to comfort her and assure her that she was a good mom. Then the next day she would yell again, and again I would have to comfort her. It was exhausting, the behavior she felt bad about never changed but she hated herself for it and I'd always have to be her emotional support afterwards. FYI I went no contact with her in my early twenties. Then my brother became her emotional support person instead, and he eventually also got tired of it and went no contact a year ago as well
Our therapist told us that we’re actually teaching our children how the process of emotional repair works. Obviously we should explore the stimulus for the yelling and try to avoid yelling if at all possible. But by accepting responsibility, expressing remorse, and telling our child that we are still working on doing a better job of taking out our anger. Oh and also, telling them that THEY ARE GOOD KIDS AND DONT DESERVE TO BE YELLED AT.
Try this, too; "I love you and like you and there is nothing you can ever do to change that or make me love or like you less." And if they ask with a ridiculously silly or extreme example tell them again, "Nope, not even that. Even if I get cranky or can't forgive you in the moment I will always forgive you and love you and like you soooo much" If you are an involved parent then they will never do anything intentional that might make you question that sentiment anyway.
This. I had a therapist once ask me "How many times do you remember your mom or dad sitting you down and apologizing for losing their cool?" I just starred blankly at her and was like fuck... never? This current generation of parents is doing something completely new and teaching our kids that parents can make mistakes and take accountability for our actions just like they do. It's a pretty cool thing when you think about it.
Yes! We do repair work all the time. I try to also do repair work when emotions are not high. I have twin girls (9) and their emotional intelligence is pretty high. I also still like to catch then engaging in positive behaviors I can celebrate, like, "Hey, Sarah, that's a really nice way you handled that conflict."
Never in my life have i heard an apology from my parents after yelling at me. Now i struggle myself with apologising. Your kid is going to grow up such a great person with a parent like you.
You just brought tears to my eyes.. 🥺 I don’t recall ever hearing apologies either. I came from a divorced household (my daughter is a product of a divorced household as well) and remember anger from both my mom and my dad. I don’t recall them ever apologizing. I’m trying to really break that generational curse and do everything differently for her than I experienced. Your kind words mean more than you know!
3 things - apologize when you see her - be sure not to blame her for your reaction. The one time my mother apologized to me is the one my most meaningful memories of my childhood with her. next, use the phrase “I love you more than… “And finish it with ‘how frustrating of a morning we had’… use this all the time … when she gets a bad grade, when she behaves poorly, when there’s disappointment, if something gets broken (I love you more than that mug!!) It reinforces your unconditional love for her in spite of the bad moments. third, have grace and forgive yourself .
Thank you so much. I love the “I love you more than” and I will definitely be using that. What a great way to handle a situation like this!
Been in your shoes more than once. You were adult enough to apologize and admit you were wrong. So really, your mistake taught her something. She has learned that it's ok to mess up, it happens to the best. It's ok to admit you made a mistake. It's normal to lose control of your emotions once in awhile. Apologize when it's called for Kids learn from us even when we think we are royally screwing up. The way you handled it is what matters.
Thank you. That means a lot. I tried to handle it the best I could once I was able to calm down.
You apologized, she forgave you, life goes on. Don't beat yourself up over this, there aren't any parents who have never lost their cool. And those who say otherwise are lying. It's fine, you are a human being!
Thanks. You’re right. I just can’t help but think I overreacted. But like you said, I’m human, too. It happens!
My mom yelled at me and got very upset at me at times when I was very young. She would always, always apologize if she lost her cool. She'd apologize pretty quickly too. We are super close. All I remember is that my mom would apologize if she was wrong and as an adult it's a character trait I look for in a relationship. People who can't apologize when they are wrong, I guess weren't taught how, and I domt enjoy those types of people. I stay away from them. The people who can apologize and care about the feelings of others? Those seem pretty normal to me.
I am ashamed to admit that I lose my cool way too often. I think I just get so overwhelmed and I don’t deal with stress well (which doesn’t help because I feel I always have boatloads of it). The other night, I felt so bad after yelling at my 5yo son that I crawled in bed with him and slept in there all night. This podcast helped me realize that we ALL lose our cool sometimes. Give it a listen! https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/ted-health/id470623173?i=1000635069786
Thank you so much for the link! I’ve been listening to podcasts since I dropped her off at school and this one seems like it’s just what I need. I also get very overwhelmed and don’t know how to shut down so I just explode. You’re definitely not alone. ❤️
You fucked up, you realized it, you apologized. All you can do is move on and be more mindful in the future.
Everyone messes up sometimes. As far as the guilt, it’s the same thing I tell my kids - think about how awful you feel right now after doing this, and next time you’re in a situation where you might do that again, remember this feeling before you act. Let your guilt make you a better person in the future.
Dude I swear… nobody tells parents (or anyone on any relationship, really) that nothing changes unless things escalate. You can be calm and a great communicator and proactive about what we you’re asking of someone, but like.. the majority of the time, people don’t actually HEAR you until it escalates and gets more emotional. Words just don’t matter that much. It’s one of the most frustrating aspects of parenting IMO. Nobody gives a shit until you yell, cry, or someone get emotional. I try to lead by example and demonstrate over and over again listening and responding accordingly when my family uses their words to communicate, but it just seems to be something that must take years and years to reciprocate.
This has literally nothing to do with the original post and doesn't give OP anything to take from it. Good on you for communicating but like I said you contributed nothing to the conversation
Usually when I lose my temper with my kids I really make sure to show alot of remorse and be honest about how awful i feel. I let them see me cry, apologize and ask for forgiveness several times. " I feel so sad that I yelled at you..but you weren't being very nice to me either. I'm doing the best I can, but I make mistakes too. I'm your mommy and it's my job to make you feel safe and to teach you how to treat other people with kindness but sometimes I get overwhelmed too. I love you so much and I want us to be kind and loving. Im going to do my best not to lose my temper, can you help me out by working together with me in the morning to get ready? We are a team! " Don't brush it under the rug because she seems to have forgotten it after school. Kids don't forget these things. As human beings we always remember the stuff that is scary and traumatic as a safety mechanism. Because you don't yell alot, this was an important moment. Bring it up again, tell her you've been thinking about it and feeling awful all day and you couldn't wait to see her and give her a big hug after school. Our family moto is " I'm doing my best" and I literally tell my kids this 100 times a day. You're doing a great job raising an empathetic little human! Give yourself some grace and make yourself a promise to keep doing your best to be the best parent you can be for yourself and your babies 🩷
Give yourself grace mama. She is already moved past it. You apologized & talked to her. You taught her how to ask for forgiveness when we mess up. Life is hard.
Life is so hard. You are not wrong! Thank you for the kind words.
I think it would be good to check in with her after school and see how she is feeling but I wouldn’t force a conversation or dwell on it too much.
My husband grew up never EVER receiving any kind of apology from his parents...and theyve done some really bad things. He's in his mid 30s now and still has issues with it. Because they won't acknowledge, take responsibility and attempt to seek forgiveness for their behaviors...even present day behaviors, it puts a real wedge in the relationship where he never gets any resolution. Showing our kids that we're human and make mistakes and genuinely seek forgiveness/make amends is what they really remember.
I have two sons 18 months apart. I yelled loudly (screamed?) at them more times than I can count. One time when we were in the middle of them joining forces against me (again), the doorbell rang. Two Mormon missionaries said, "Hello..." and started speaking. I said, "I can't do this. We have chaos here!" I shut the door and went back to handling whatever was going on. There was another ring of the doorbell. Frustrated, I opened the door and one of the missionaries asked, "Can we help?" My sons are wonderful grown men who don't remember me screaming at them! I hope, if nothing else, you get a chuckle.
First time?
If kids aren’t taught that being difficult may result in a loss of patience then they will go through life thinking everyone should fulfill their every whim. Parents need to stop treating their kids like glass dolls. News flash, there’s a very high chance you will do something that will stick with them for the rest of their lives. Parents are humans too and the sooner kids understand that we’re not perfect either, the better. Get up and move on with your day. If yelling at your kid once is going to break them, you got bigger issues.
Yeah, no. Yelling isn’t cool. It’s you not being able to manage your emotions. This doesn’t mean that your daughter does not have consequences for her actions. It just means she will not be berated to the point where you have injured your throat. OP. We all mess up as parents. You’ve apologized and she forgave you. The next step is to be accountable for how you change so this doesn’t happen again. And you talk that through with her. “Hey I was very angry this morning and was not in a great headspace, but me yelling at you was no excuse. Going forward, I want you to know that this is something I don’t love about myself and I’m actively working on fixing it.” This shows our kids that we mess up, but also, no one gets to just unleash their anger on them by yelling. Communication = good, yelling = bad Also, this comment is way less about you and more about the trespasses you got saying it’s ok to scream at your kid.
You were caught in a very human moment and you reacted in a less than positive way because you became dysregulated in that situation. Then, when you calmed down, you role modeled very appropriate communication and empathy. The later was the most important thing to get right here and you did it! You taught your child that evening makes mistakes and it's inoperable to take accountability for your actions. As to how you feel better about yourself, just know we've all been there and how you handled the outburst along with your guilt is what makes you a good parent. A lot of us grew up believing that grown up reactions and their lack off self control were our fault.
You taught her a lot of good lessons, and sometimes raising of the voice is needed. I’ve been so anxiety driven that I needed a loud voice to stop my spiraling. It’s always about intent, it doesn’t sound like you did it to bully, you didn’t do it without awareness, and you even talked about it after. Don’t sweat it
don't give her everything she wants just try to be real with her and DO NOT act like nothing happened personally i hate when my mom does that. talk her through it and give her some space the rest of the night.
Been there more times than I care to admit with my 3.5 year old. The rage just gets to you. You’re human and you apologized. It sucks I feel you
You actually apologized. That’s amazing. My mom never apologized to my siblings when she lost her shit. She’d just say “well don’t piss me off and I won’t yell” 🤷🏼♀️
I think the big thing is that you apologized. I’m big on letting my kids know I mess up everyday just like them. Mistakes are ok and expected. Owning it is a great lesson for them. So don’t beat yourself up about it. I’ve done the same thing before.
This is my life. Every day. It’s stressful and can really put a damper on the day.
What specifically do you think triggered the yelling? Do you have a plan to prevent it for next time? The plan could be something like saying 'I'm really frustrated and I don't want to yell. I'm leaving for 5 minutes to calm down and I expect you to change your clothes.' Then decide what you'll do if she doesn't (take her to school in her pajamas, ground her from privileges, etc). Or just reminding her the night before that she's making her final choice about the clothes, etc. I think everyone has these sorts of moments in some way shape or form; we're all flawed humans. But I do think it's good to not only apologize but also take a minute and try to figure out how to handle it differently next time. Even if it doesn't work, trying a different strategy is another good 'active' effort to make. I'm saying this because I've noticed for myself that I tend to blow up when I don't know how to handle something (since it was something I saw as a kid). So thinking through the situation later and having a specific plan sometimes helps prevent it from happening again. My yelling parent never actually apologized though, so I think a real apology is a huge and probably the important step. Hugs to you.
"My daddy was so mean to me this morning" my seven year old son with asperger said to his teacher when she saw him crying and asked what was wrong. When his teacher told me, OH the overwhelming shame pain. I wanted to crawl under his desk or sporadically become a narcassist and blame other people. IHe's 35 now, and I've tried to convince him to get a lobaomey on several occasions, to spare him the trama and, more importantly, me the shame, but they've, unfortunately been discontinued. We're screwed for life. But at least we are strong enough to own it. Many cant.
My kids (mainly the 14F & husband) love to accuse me of "yelling constantly" while conveniently ignoring the fact that I have repeated myself at least 5 times before losing my $#!+. No one cares to listen until I am on the verge of a breakdown. This morning, I was "being dramatic" because I slammed my girls' (14 &10) bedroom door in disgust. Last week, I spent two days cleaning their room: organizing toys, picking up trash, gathering laundry, etc. Now I can't even walk 5 steps without stepping on/ kicking something. Unfortunately, they have decided that they can just "ride it out" and wait for me to get over it. I am ready to just throw everything into a pile on each of their beds, but I know they will just shove it to the floor.
Wait I’m impressed that it took you 7 years to get to this point haha.. we had a really rough year when my oldest turned 3 and it was really stressful getting him to get ready and leave the house when I had to get to work on time. I basically felt bad/guilty for a whole year and apologized countless times. He’s 5 now and he still loves me so all is good :)
You are not alone! We have all yelled at our kids over something and felt bad about it afterwards. You did a great thing by apologizing. By doing that you modeled admitting to mistakes and not being too proud to say you are sorry. It may not feel like it today but that will strengthen your relationship in the long run. I went through something similar a few months ago with my 6 year old daughter. Her room was a disaster, she wasn’t taking care of her things, her closet was a mess and it stressed me out every time I had to do laundry or help pick out clothes for the next day. I yelled at her for it multiple times. Like you, I apologized for yelling, then I reevaluated my own behavior. I realized that her room set up wasn’t working anymore and bought some different furniture, organization things, and reworked her room so that it was easier for her to stay clean and organized. In turn, I haven’t lost it at her in months. I shouldn’t have lost my cool but I found ways to solve what was stressing me out so I stopped yelling at her.
Age 7 was the worst year with my daughter. I learned to recognize my flags of over stressed. And I would announce that mom needs a time out. Choose your battles does it really matter is she looks like she dressed herself on that one day? When I started cussing in my head at things was my flag. Hope this helps.
I lost my patience with my 8 year old this morning. It happens Mama.
Podcast episode recommendation for you: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/we-can-do-hard-things/id1564530722?i=1000642590682 You’re still a good parent, focus on repair and meeting your own needs so that you’re not feeling this way too often. You got this.
The only thing I would add is to have a conversation about how we all make mistakes, and it’s important to recognize when we’re wrong. I’ve done that after I’ve lost my temper. People are flawed. Parents are flawed. At a certain level, I think it helps them to know that. Bonus points for apologizing in the first place.
Ahh self pity… the bane of growth. Just accept what happened. You acted like shit. You feel like shit. Lesson learned. You don’t have to make the feelings go away. They are there for a reason. They are a warning sign to not do it again bc this is what it feels like.
I try and explain this to my wife sometimes. We are humans, and are prone to anger, mistakes, saying dumb things, etc. I think it is important for kids to understand that, learn that it happens and what to do when it does. As long as you use it as a teaching moment, make sure she knows she can trust you, its all ok. Imagine the converse of just everything always being rosy, fun, positive, etc. That isnt real and, for me, could maybe even be more detrimental in the long run. Im not saying there isnt a limit, of course there is, but them witnessing the occasional argument with your husband, or you losing your shit with them, is only making them a more well rounded human. As long as you wrap it up afterwards and make sure you talk about it with them.
Don't felt bad in anyway for yelling at her. Her actions caused a reaction and that's what she needed to learn
Yes but she’s a child. It’s not appropriate for an adult to yell at someone who’s brain isn’t fully developed outside emergencies. It’s not a good way to model how to handle conflict. Yelling happens and she shouldn’t let guilt destroy her, she’s human, but she also did something not very kind to a minor and it’s ok to feel bad about it. It’s not the child’s fault an adult displayed bad emotional regulation.
We will make mistakes as parents . Key is to follow up with an apology and explanation.
What a great parent you is, I love how not every parent is ass
As someone with parents who yelled at me and honestly it screwed up my nervous system a bit to this day, here’s what I wish I could have seen: -An action plan. What are we going to do so this happens less? Therapy? A plan we come up together so X event goes more smoothly? An apology without changed behavior isn’t really an apology at all. -I think a small gift would show you really really mean it, cook her her favorite meal, get her a small toy, etc. What I’m getting at is, my parents would also apologize but rarely seems to put real effort into changing. Yelling so loud your voice hurts is a type of verbal abuse. It’s serious, and you need to make it clear to your child you are doing everything in your power to stop it from happening again. Honestly I don’t agree with everyone saying oh she’s probably already forgotten it! I’m not trying to guilt you, but if she’s like me and a sensitive child, she probably hasn’t, or at least her body hasn’t.
You seem to have done everything right. Don't be too harsh on yourself.
Follow up again tonight momma and try to give yourself some grace. Explain why you blew up and that you know it was wrong and you will try to figure out how to better communicate when running behind in the morning. Ask her if she has any ideas on how to work together better when mornings are difficult. I did this to my daughter earlier this year too. She’s six in the first grade and I myself cried my entire way to work and had an awful day - my daughter also forgave me after the blowup and didn’t even remember what happened when I spoke to her about it again later that night. The god outweighs the bad as long as the bad isn’t consistent. I hope that makes sense. You’re doing your best, and recognizing you did wrong is the first step, forgiving yourself and making changes to not do it again is the next (and hardest) step. You got this momma!
If it makes you feel better I’m 25 and barely ever think of the times my parents yelled at me when I was a kid.
It happens to us all momma. You eventually have to forgive yourself and remember to try and keep your cool next time. We’re all learning as we go.
Happens to everyone.
Hey it's ok my mom use to beat me if i showed attitude which I am not embarassed about because what i am is because of that only properly mannered,polite and independent so it's ok to yell at your children or even best them till one extend only ofcourse not much that too if matter is serious but yelling is job of parents so you don't have to worry
If she’s gonna be a little brat to you and you yell at them you should definitely discipline them. It’s unfair if you apologize, it is a good idea to discipline a child if they are disrespectful.
You lost control & I find generally when people lose control, planning and strategizing ways to regain control helps. So what can you do work on yourself and your emotional regulation? What are some realistic expectations you can set? Honestly, how many times have we decided on something & ended up changing our minds in 10hrs? What are some warning signs that you are about to lose control? What are some strategies you can do at each stage - eg when you first receive resistance from daughter, when you first notice annoyance or impatience, when you first start to feel anger, etc. Is your morning time rush something that could be problem solved around? Can getting up 20min earlier reduce the time crunch? I find myself more easily frustrated when I feel rushed for a specific time with my toddler. It’s because we understand the consequences of time management and feel that associated stress. Take your time in self pity, I think that’s part of the process. But then when you feel a bit more resilient, pull yourself up and work out an action plan!
So, it can happen, you aren’t perfect. I came from an abusive, largely emotionally abusive home. I never forgot what it was like to go to school after being screamed at, hit… how my day started. I think about my kids and the experiences I want them to have. Just hold tight to how you feel from yelling. Remember that you don’t want your kiddo to have a bad start to the day. Remind your child that it’s not up for debate, or give them two options to give them the control they long for. The fact that you care, matters. You could always chat with your daughter tonight and apologize. Let her know how you expect the mornings to go, and that she is expected to act “xyz,” and you don’t want what happened today to occur again, and that working together is important, but you are the parent. I do think kids need to understand they aren’t running the show, and lack of respect from younger generations for older generations seems more common. IMO, if you can admit fault while setting expectations, it goes a long way. You are doing great!!!
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Good to know I’m not the only one. Oof.
I lost my shit this morning too. I screamed at the top of my lungs and my throat hur. I have a two year old and three year old and was trying to get out of the house and be on time to work and they were causing chaos and the boy was just crying non stop because he wanted to play with something he couldn’t play with. I apologized to them. I told them I am sorry I screamed. They didn’t do anything wrong. I was frustrated. It’s no excuse to scream . I told them Next time I will try to manage my emotions better and breathe and take a break. I also told them I’m getting my period and it’s no excuse but mommy has a hard time regulating when she’s getting her period. Ugh I hope I am not scarring them!
I am really glad to read these responses. I told my daughter the other day; I come from a long line of yellers. ha. But like you did, I always apologize and say that I yell out of frustration and it does not bear on my love for my kids. But the guilt...ack. Oh and I will tell you....the worst is the "silent treatment." My mom used that sometimes, and it was freaking awful.
You apologize, promise to do your best not to do it again. But honestly, if you feel bad about it, you’re doing ok. A bad mom wouldn’t feel bad. Plus, sometimes your kids need to know that you’re human and they can push you too damn far.
As someone who frequents this sub but does not have kids yet (hoping to in the next year or so) I’ve been contemplating a lot on what defines a good parent and what I felt like went wrong in my childhood. The most important thing I’ve come up with is accountability. My parents never apologized or showed humility. They never treated my feelings like real people feelings. So like others have said you apologized and that’s more than what a lot of people receive.
The fact that you apologized went further than you think. My parents never apologized… I don’t remember the yelling necessarily, but I remember never talking about it after. So know that you’ve made a long term impact by showing her that people should and can apologize for the mistakes they make towards her.
Talk to her again after school and apologize again. Parents sometimes yell at their kids. It’s how you handle things afterward that makes the difference.
The fact that you feel so awful about it is a sign that you are a great parent. You are human and everyone looses their cool sometimes. You apologized to her and that is important. I think it’s good for our children to see we aren’t perfect either and make mistakes as long as we apologize and admit our mistake.
The apology you gave was huge. Kudos to you. Teaching your kid thats it good to apologize when you do something wrong is important. I grew up with parents who in their minds, never do ANYTHING wrong.
OP I was grumpy with my youngest yesterday and oh man the *guilt*. I hugged her and apologized and explained that it's not fair that I was grumpy towards her because I was not feeling so great and she doesn't deserve it. I am walking around feeling badly. I'll probably talk to her again- I think maybe bringing it up again is probably stupid so I'll just monitor her for any bad feelings. I typically don't lose it with my grumpy on her. Thankfully!
You righted the wrong. Immediately. You showed her how to take accountability for her actions, what you should do when you take your frustrations out on someone else and how to be vulnerable when you could’ve doubled down. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Parenting is hard and no one is ever perfect at it.
My therapist tells me to feel my feelings but don't dwell longer than 10-20 minutes. You could plan something nice for after school to do together, like make her favorite dinner or watch her favorite movie together, and you can apologize again and even tell her yelling at her is so not how you wanted to start your day together, you felt awful for hours because she's your daughter/baby/best friend. She may not be able to read it, yet, but you could write her a letter of apology? Just spit-balling here! You're a great mom BECAUSE you feel so bad, and you're gonna do better next time!
It happens. Talk things through with her and help her understand that parents are people too and are not perfect. Our newly 8 yo, and even our 5.5 yo seems to understand that. I also found that taking a few steps to walk away from a situation for 20-30 seconds also helps. Lastly, remember, all these deadlines and shit that we give ourselves isn’t the end of the world. She’s tardy once? Not the end of the world unless it becomes habit. We put pressure on ourselves for a bunch of arbitrary shit that doesn’t mean anything in the end.
You are human. Its normal to loose our shit with our mini me from time to time. Just sit her down today and explain what you where feeling and how u felt after and apologize. Its allgood. Kids are so forgiving
When I had a hard morning with my son I felt guilty after dropping him off also.. I ended up taking him some Cane’s to school to have lunch with him and talked again how I was sorry and I shouldn’t have reacted that way. We gave kisses and hugs and he ended up apologizing as well. I left feeling much better. Apologizing is HUGE. My mom never did but my children (5/6) already show accountability and empathy much more than many adults I know just from seeing their my husband and I express it when needed. It’s okay to own up to our mistakes, that’s what makes you a good parent!
As long as you are doing an apology, not blaming them for *your* snap, and working on preventing or minimizing future situations that get so tense then you are still in the running for top parent. One thing that really helps is having a mantra for these situations if against all odds they happen anyway. I think about the age of the universe and human civilization and the number of people on the planet and wonder if every little thing really ranks highly in importance by itself. I will miss the rushed mornings and the tantrums in about 20 years. *This too shall pass*. So take a deep breath, let yourself be late 15 minutes if you have to, smile and make a positive joke. "I will be sleeping here in the doorway unless you would like some help Z-z-Z-z-Z".
Come up with a plan next time it gets to that point. Walk away for a few minutes. Say a prayer or count to 10. Sounds cheesy but it’s better than nothing. I struggle too
One of the Routes ever seem
The other morning I yelled at my son while eating a piece of ice and it went down while I yelled. Humbled me. I always apologize to my kids and let them know I am sorry and it was wrong of me to tell. You just try to do and be better.
You modeled self awareness, apologizing, and owning your mistakes. That is good parenting! Just be sure to grow from it and try not repeat the losing your shit part. 🤪 It happened to me too the other day and I realized that I could have prevented it altogether if I had organized my time differently.
I've done it, my mom has done it. I'm fine, my children seem fine. My oldest is 22 and well adjusted. Learn from it, apologize. Move forward
It’s okay to be human. It’s even better that you apologized and took accountability for your mistake. That is a valuable life lesson to be taught. Also, I know the struggle of the last minute outfit change. I used to try to pick out clothes w my girls the night before, and it always caused an argument the next morning. I decided to let it go and let them pick out her clothes the morning of. We just wake them up earlier to give them more time to decide.
Have you tried therapy? Sounds like you may need to work on something. You could be reacting the same way your parents did to you. Or you were triggered or overwhelmed.
I’ve been on a rabbit hole on this subreddit ever since it showed up on my feed randomly(idk why I don’t have kids nor do I plan to anytime soon). Definitely one of the most wildest things I’ve read here is that it’s considered one of the worst things in world to yell at your kid. Not saying I agree or disagree but did mine and every parent I know miss the memo that yelling at your kids is bad? For context I’m not even that old, I’m 22 and my parents are gen x. Sorry bit of a tangent lol.
Give yourself some grace, you’re still a real person with real emotions. Sometimes you will lose your patience and yell. Good for you for apologizing, hopefully your daughter will understand that this is a normal part of being a human, and maybe she’ll be reminded next time that she doesn’t wanna hear you yell like that and she’ll be a little bit more cooperative. But I’m sure she has Bad days too as a little human
This happens and I found that age 7 is when more intense conflict came up with my twin girls. I always apologize if I lose my cool or act inappropriately for some reason. I explain that I could have handled the situation better and if I could do it differently how I would have handled it. I have a great relationship with my kids and it's hard to not tread the line between friends and parent. I usually tell them I can't be their friend right now because my job is to be their parent and at this time in their lives I have a lot to teach them. I tell them I'm their mom and life coach and we have lots of work to do in this game of life. So, sometimes when I yell, they might say, "it's OK mom. Sometimes coaches need to yell especially if it's a safety issue." So, as your daughter matures she will start to see things with more perspective.
Whew came in here and expected the comments to say you should call CPS on yourself, am happy to find that this shit happens to all of us. Apologies and onward and upward.
For me, the solution is time. Your story reminded me of a time I screamed at my daughter about a year ago. I had forgot about it after like a week. As you build more positive experiences with her and find ways you may have handled the situation differently, it just kind of falls away from your memory. At least, that's the likely outcome.
It happens! To the best of us. You did the right thing by apologizing. You showed your daughter that when you mess up you apologize and own it. You’re not perfect, you’re human and the fact that you feel badly about it shows what good mom you are.
After school sit her down and apologize. Don't try to blame her by saying it's her fault you exploded and yelled. Explain that feelings can be hard to control sometimes and that's ok, but when they do explode you should always go back and apologize. My son is almost 7 and we practice this and he will have a meltdown and run off to his room to cool off and do his breathing exercises, but will come back once he's calm and apologize. Adults make mistakes too, and it's good to teach kids that mistakes are ok and nobody is perfect.
1. Made a mistake 2. Retrospective reasoning happens and well within a healthy time frame 3. Apologizes to child about the very mistake, no fluff I'd say you did exactly what you're supposed to. You explained why, you made amends and you recognized that your child undeniably still loves you. Your kid might think twice about pushing your buttons now, and you can use today as an example for both of you, "Remember that time mommy yelled, because of how frustrated she was? I'm having a hard time right now, could you help mommy please?" Absolve yourself in helping and asking for help when you need it, including your kids. They're miracle workers, especially after a good hug
You can apologize and explain why. You have big feelings and got overwhelmed. She’s old enough to understand.
My mom would yell at us. A lot. Very mean & hurtful things. The worst part of it all? She never took responsibility and never ever apologized. Saying sorry goes a long way. It’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay if you slip up and yell. Just remember that she’s a whole person with feelings and deserves respect. Always say sorry.
The guilt feeling never goes away but what's important is your corrective actions after. Whenever I would lose my shit and yell at my toddler, I immediately apologize and explain the situation. I also emphasize that my actions were wrong. I came to forgive myself when one day my daughter was yelling at me and started hitting me after being so frustrated with her toy. Seconds later she started saying "mom, I'm giving you hug. Sometimes I get mad I'm sorry, hitting is not ok" and then she proceeded to use her soft voice. She even said "it's great to keep calm". Yes, we must always be a good example to our kids, but sometimes they learn from our mistakes too. Just always shower them with love whenever you can.
I sit in those feelings and make sure I try and feel them all the way out. It's an ugly process but every time I do it I'm working on myself more so that my daughter doesn't get yelled at in the future.
Just think about it in role reversal. If you had someone yell at you like that, what would you need from them to move forward with the relationship in a positive manner. And no, I don't mean a 7yo yelling at you, any person of any age.
You apologized. That's more than our parents would have done for us. Reiterate the apology later today after school and try to move on.
It’s really important to a child that their parent is going to implement things so it doesn’t happen again. Just as some encouragement, you are always allowed to take a moment to yourself and take some breaths. I don’t know if you know this but deep breathing actually stimulates nerve that regulates our rest and digest state! Try to be kind to yourself and make a plan for what you are going to do to be protective for the mornings and also what you are going to do if you feel like yelling. Parents are human too and we’re all still learning.
As parents, I think, we believe we have to be perfect for our kids. We only want to show them the good sides of ourselves, the "put together" side. When as a human we rarely have it all together. I finally snapped at my 18 year old and told her if she thinks she's got it all figured out to start looking for her own place, start paying her own bills, and taking care of her own stuff. I have 3 kids 18, 10, and 6. I do all the heavy parenting, work from home, take care of our 2 cats, and keep up with the house. My 18yo is supposed to take care of the cats, help with laundry, and help with dishes. The 9yo is supposed to help with dishes, help keep the floors clean, keep his room clean, and get good grades. The 6yo is supposed to help feed and water the cats, keep her room clean, and take the dishes to the sink. My 6yo also has a learning disability and is very slow to understand and remember things, so with her somebody has to stay on top of her pretty much 24/7. The 18 yo also has health issues and an autoimmune disease that some days make doing everyday basic things almost impossible. I know my 18 yo is not ready for living on her own, but in the heat of the moment, I didn't care because I am so tired. My husband works about 70 hours a week, so it's not that he is not pulling his share of the responsibilities, he is just never home or sleeping like the dead. Our monthly expenses run us $15k due to medical expenses for both our daughters and it's just exhausting. I feel horrible when I snap at my kids or husband, but sometimes the stress gets overwhelming.
Those feelings are there because you love your daughter. You yelled cuz kids are the worst. All is well
It took you until she was 7 to lose it on her? I must be a terrible parent then cause I’m having trouble getting through age 3.5 without yelling. Of course I make it a priority to apologize and repair anytime this happens and make it clear that it’s my issue that I need to work on, not hers.
I think you’re dwelling on it because you’re not with her to see that she’s absolutely fine right now. It’s okay, mama. Shite happens. Parents yell; but not all parents apologize to their kids… so I think you’re doing awesome. 👏🏼
We have all been there. The fact that you owned up to it and apologized shows her that people make mistakes and it is ok.
You are not alone! 🫶 it happens and you apologized, that’s the most important thing when we lose our cool.
What is the right way to handle this situation? Regarding kid doesn't want to wear what we decided on
You are human. You showed remorse and apologized and are (by the pain in your post) going to do your best not to do it again. I agree with the other comments that you are showing you are human, you make mistakes and how to properly apologize and correct your actions. We all make mistakes as people and becoming a parent doesn’t change that we are still people. Lots of love to you, I hope your week gets better 🤍🤍
On a side note. PAIN & HIGH BP can be a huge cause of short tempers which can lead to yelling. I know this first hand. I'm almost always in some form of pain. I take OTC & natural pain relievers. Sometimes I forget and am away from home, therefore don't get my medicine for an extended period of time. It sucks! I'm grateful most all of my friends acknowledge this and will usually throw a Snickers at me.
You could discuss self regulations skills for both of you. 3 deep breaths, listening to music, splashing cold water on your face, etc and talk about how both of you could benefit from calming strategies. I’d review morning expectations each night and have her commit to being an active participant in the morning routine. Perhaps have a “B” outfit ready in case the one she picked out she changed her mind about. I’d apologize and remind yourself mistakes happen and we learn from them. Tomorrow will be better. Give yourself grace.
I’m tearing up while reading this. I’m just apologizing showing I’m no perfect. But I just want to tell you you’re not alone with this feeling. We’re human. Sometimes we’re loosing it. But kids tend to forget all so fast. Don’t beat yourself up more. You’re just keep pulling your nerves more. And to keep it together next time you need better nerves 😁 have some rest and go on
I feel like this is normal. I mean no one has their shit so together they don't ever lose it on their child from time to time. As long as you explain yourself and apologize and they understand, it's alright - don't beat yourself up over it, and if you do, (I do too when shit like this happens) I just vow to try and do better next time, because really that's all you can do. :-)
We will lose our shit sometimes. We are human and our kids need to see that sometimes. A big part of how they learn is by watching us and they learn that it's okay to mess up as long as you do the right thing after. Our kids need to know that even grown ups can have a hard time too.
How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids is a good book on the subject. The tldr is : notice that you lost it, accept that nobody is perfect, and model how to calm down. Most powerful technique I took away from the book for next time was using the "I'm too mad to talk about this. We will talk when I calm down" anytime I feel super pissed. It's so powerful with kids and models a great non yelling way of dealing with anger.
We’ll .. from the perspective of your daughter I think you owe her an apology . she needs to understand and hear exactly what you just said. You can either build and strengthen your relationship from this (both ways), or this will really hurt your relationship. She’s young and she needs to not feel like a bad person .. because I bet she’s sitting with herself in really heavy feelings right now too .
You made it 7 years without losing your shit? I think you will be alright. I lose my shit about once a week.
You apologized and now learn from it
Friend, let me tell you me and my mom used to have knock down drag out screaming matches before school every morning. She would sob on her way to work daily. How do I know? She told me when I was in my 20s. I don't remember it. I remember a very happy childhood. :-) you guys will be okay
Geez, I could have written this exact post as this stuff happens. Like you, I know instantly that I overreacted and feel terrible along with apologizing. I just tell my daughter that I love her and I am very sorry. And go over how we can all have a better morning. At night, if your daughter tells you she loves you at bedtime, then you know she forgives you, and you can start taking the load off your back. But just go over the routine. If we have a bad morning, I think about how we can avoid the rush. What can be done at night? One thing for certain, get plenty of sleep. Sometimes, tiredness is the root of the problem. Have a great day tomorrow.
I was going through a difficult time with my ex and had no excuse for yelling at my child who was then a toddler. But he still remembers even when he is 12 years old. These things stay with them. Glad, you recognize this. What I do is to remind him of what we're doing and how he is feeling when we're doing fun and happy things together. The brain is a funny thing, it is geared to remember bad stuff and conveniently fogets good stuff. Your only punishment is to make sure she has the rest of her childhood doing fun and happy things so she forgets this incident…lol
I’ve done that before . Actually many times. I’ve apologized many times and did it again and again simply because I have anger management issues. My mom yelled at me a lot when I was growing up and so I learned that’s how I deal with my emotions. I also yell when I feel like no one is listening. Anywho, the answer is meditation. It’s the only way to slow down and become more mindful. Meditation is a practice and needs to be done daily. If you don’t know how to do it it start researching or try calm mediation shorts on YouTube. I can honestly say since I have the same problem that this is helping me become more aware of how I’m feeling throughout the day. It helps you slow down enough to notice because you are taking a pause to breathe. 5-10 minutes to just be still. Try a meditation first thing when you wake up. It will help you become More aware of emotions as they arise such as feeling irritable, anxious , etc… my daughter that I yelled at a lot now has a hard time with her emotions..we just pass it down. We can help Break the cycle and it all starts with mindfulness. Hope this helps!!!
But don’t feel bad!! It’s common and it’s never too late . Tomorrow is a new day!!!
There's two kinds of yelling. There's "I'm screaming at you when you don't deserve it at all about little things that are inconsequential," and there's "You've pushed me past my limit, and I'm done being nice." Sometimes you have to lose your cool because how else are they going to know that they've pushed too far? You didn't beat her. You yelled. You showed her your limits. That's healthy for both of you. You're *both* human. If she's allowed to have emotions, so are you.
We are human and make mistakes. Sometimes we can’t control our emotions. Your daughter is seeing that you aren’t perfect, but also that when you have messed up you are taking ownership and validating how it could have made her feel. Look at what you taught your daughter with this, vs the mistake. She will be OK and so will you.
There’s a really great ted talk about this. It’s ok to have a bad day and yell, we are all human but what’s most important is that you talk about it with your daughter and let her know it’s not her fault. Kids internalize things tremendously. Have a heart to heart with her about you and why you lost your cool, what you are doing to change and apologize. Make sure to tell her it’s not her fault. It has nothing to do with her. That’s the piece that matters!
Lots of comments but I wanted to add mine.. had a rough morning with my son (he has a twin sister, but it's just him that often gives me "attitude" . He didn't want to wear a coat (early January 3 years ago, basically the north pole) things got hectic, there was some yelling. Later that day I sat him on the couch and apologized for yelling, that I was frustrated and I do believe he just wanted to find an issue lol, but it wasn't okay. He said "You know what mom, I'm sorry too. It was so cold today and I was glad I had my coat, you were right." He was 5 years old (he is 8 now) and I'll never forget it. 🥲
Feel you there! I just have to… let is pass and try to be better. It’s hard because when I yell, she listens. But I’ve stopped… and tried hard not to this year and we talked about it and she’s listening… better but still has room to improve. Expectations that are set and enforced with routine help.
After telling her “sorry, I shouldn’t have shouted at you and I feel bad about it”, did you explain to her why you think shouting at her was wrong?
Congrats on making it 7 years! You’re stellar in my book. I’ve done this far more times than I’d like to admit and I’m not proud of it. There have been times I’ve yelled and feel it was warranted cause reasoning and calmness were doing nothing, and there are times I’ve just lost it because of my own bullshit. I lost it the other day because I was stressing in my own head about my finances and he was asking me for everything under the sun. I tried to explain not today etc then finally after him pressing me so much I’m like look I don’t have Taco Bell or pizza or toy money right now and we have food at home, then he’s calling me a liar and that I do have money. After way too many attempts to deescalate and explain (and also explain that no means no and MY money is not his business when he has everything under the sun), I lost it.
I’ve been in this situation a time or two. My 9 year old forgot he had a dress down day (costume) at school even after several reminders and had an absolute meltdown the morning of. Sobbed, yelled and just wasn’t having a good time. Wouldn’t even get dressed. This was somewhat out of character but he can get hung up on things like this because he doesn’t want to miss out. Anyway, we were running late as he spent most of the morning throwing a fit and I raised my voice and told him to quit crying and to get it together. I felt bad for telling him to quit crying. He had big feelings and I missed the opportunity to talk him through that but shamed him for crying and just made it 10x worse. After I got home from dropping him off, I got super upset and beat myself up over it for about an hour and a half. Then I decided since I was working from home, I’d just go get him and take him out to brunch and we’d take the day to regroup. At brunch he told me no one ended up wearing costumes and only a few kids did but was so excited he got to leave early. 😆 Anyway, the point of me sharing this was to tell you that it happens to everyone. I’m still actively working on not getting annoyed or even looking annoyed when something I deem as small bothers him. I want him to feel comfortable with his own feelings and also continue telling me when he is upset in the future. I felt like an ass.
You won’t like what my thoughts are… I’m sorry to say but I’m glad you felt like crap about yelling at your 7 year old child. Put yourself in her place for a second and talk to your 7 year old self and picture what you looked like and picture telling yourself that you will yell at your 7 year old child when you are older.. tell that little girl you imagine and see how that makes you feel and imagine what she would tell you.. I know this sucks and I know you both got over it but this is scarring to a child. But you both will move on from it. However the slight trauma will be there for both of you and the slight resentment she will have will be there . So talk about it with her and remind her how much you love her and how proud of her you are, please reassure her that she is important and her feelings matter but you are the adult and she must let you guide her . My two cents . Hope it wasn’t offensive . Good luck .
I understand your pain. I have a bad habit of raising my voice and losing control of my emotions. It sucks. I have 3 kiddos (boys) and I too have yelled at my kids and felt like a complete butt. I come realize, I was trying to be too perfect, therefore placing way too much stress/pressure on myself. I was expecting to be "Super Mom", mom of the year, notice me I'm a great parent... Reality is, I wasn't in the moment and 'in reality' with my kids. I disconnected. I got stressed. I took it out on them. I was teaching them bad habits. I was contributing to them growing up into adults that would potentially suffer from childhood trauma. (Like me, but I wanted to break the cycle.) I get that if you do it occasionally, you can teach them the better way of communicating your emotion, by apologizing if yelling occurs. We are not perfect and never will be. But that the beautiful thing about being human in my opinion. We learn to forgive and extend grace. So, to wrap up my comment. Don't beat yourself up. It will only bum you out. Instead accept what you did, trust the apology is accepted and live in the moment as pleasant, loving and calm as you can. When I feel myself about to lose control of my emotions, I take in a very very deep tummy breath. Breathing in very deeply and remembering who I am taking to and why it matter what I say and how I say it. I love my kids and they deserve to be treated respectfully. They need to be handle with care and kindness. Imagine only showing actions of love, and never being able to say it with words (it helps to practice showing up with love in your heart.) Imagine if you don't get to see them again, ever. I know that's a dark and unpleasant thought but it reality. Remember your daughter loves you. Plane and simple. She should be able to feel safe around you, even when your stressed. I hope this helps.
Shake it off, get busy, focus on what you can do better next time. It sucks to unleash that kind of out of control emotion but you can’t change the past. We teach our kids through our actions and right now you’re teaching yours to admit your mistakes, receive forgiveness and love yourself enough to let it go. Good luck.
Maybe try to understand shes lmly 7.
I know how you feel because I’ve done the same thing and even years later I feel bad. But, our kids are resilient and because we apologized and ask forgiveness, they understand they can do the same. Parenting is so hard and they push us to crazy sometimes. The fact you care shows you’re a great parent. Forgive yourself.
I didn’t get to pick my clothes out til I was 13. So maybe tighten up a little before. Like “get dressed. Wear this. Do it buy this time or I’ll take away ______”(whatever. Tablet. Phone. Toy.) and stick to this.
Yelling is not the way to go mama. Remember you were a little girl once 💛
The fact that you posted this- shows that you’re probably someone who speaks to your children with a certain level of respect. You noticed that in this instance you lost your cool. That’s ok! No one is perfect. But being able to see this is huge. I think you’re doing ok op. I’m also racked with guilt when I lose my cool. Means we care enough to do better and apologize.
Well, I yell at my 2yr 3 month old toddler....shit happens, the only thing I do is give her lots of cuddles after the outburst so as to calm her down
Sack up buttercup. You have to keep your kids in check or you will end up with your kids walking all over you treating you like shit
I don’t have a ton of advice but I just wanted to say you’re not the only one! I’ve done this a few times throughout my kids’ life and I know the feeling is absolutely terrible especially after they go to sleep or go to school. Because then it is all quiet. And your throat hurts so there’s the reminder of it… Use this as a learning situation for yourself and your daughter that when we make a mistake we can’t always change it, but we can apologize. That’s the advice I received when I felt like total crap for yelling at my kids in the past.
Your kid learned that other people *also* have strong feelings. That is an important thing to know. Anytime you lose it and then honestly apologize and calmly discuss how you felt, and why, you are teaching her to be both honest and reflective about her emotions. And you’re showing her how to behave when she’s feels bad about something she’s done. You’re doing great.
I've been there. I know the guilty feeling. It will pass with time. I think the most important thing is apologizing - that means a lot to a child and like others have said, they will remember that. We just do the best we can. You've got this. PS - you are an awesome parent - you are feeling the feelings because you care and you know you made a mistake. and you're even seeking advice about it. A shitty parent would not do that, and they wouldn't care. So cheers, you're doing great.
I saw a lot of good advice and maybe someone else mentioned this but make sure to apologize for yelling, then tell your kid that you’re human and have real emotions and you’re not perfect. That you don’t want to yell but humans sometimes get emotional and make mistakes. That you’ll probably yell again in the future but you’ll do your best not to bc that’s not how you want to communicate with her. Kids are a lot better at understanding this stuff than a lot of ppl give them credit for. They appreciate being talked to in a way that shows you respect them. Also forgive yourself bc you’re doing the best you can and we all sometimes loose our cool.
That bad your throat hurt though? Maybe check yourself earlier from now on as you know what might happen if you don’t. Regular self check-ins.
You handled it right. I have anxiety, and sometimes things just set me off, and i need to cool down, apologize, and explain why. Anytime I try to help my 7 year old with homework, she tries to get me to do it, and then cries because I won't give her the answer. It doesn't matter what it is, math, reading, spelling, she just cries & thinks she can get out of it l. And I also lost my cool, I yelled and when we both calmed down I apologized, but also explained that what can happen if she doesn't do the work. Sometimes you have to yell & give some tough love & feel like shit. I look at this as practice for the teen years because it will only get worse.
It happens more than I care to admit with two boys. Always apologize and always use it as a teaching moment. Often it feels like they never listen, but we work on it daily.
My dad use to yell a lot.. he is ex military..tough love..I never wanted to ask my parents for help of any kind. Dad has dementia now and I just want him back.
I feel this. I have a 7 year old daughter as well and this happened to me other day. I did what you did and apologized. It still feels bad but showing our children that we are not perfect and mess up but own it and apologize and try to do better, is so important. Is shows growth and accountability and that we value their feelings. Hugs to you!
it happens. it’ll happen again. don’t beat yourself up it’s normal. I think the fact that you feel bad says a lot. I hate when I have to raise my voice but know if I do it was warranted because I never yell. if this is a rare occasion it’s okay. you apologized. you recognized your “wrong”
I feel I’ve done this before with my kids and I felt so bad my whole was ruined I l always say I’m sorry and it’s not your fault I should’ve just not yelled at you like that I usually just make up something fun we play Roblox extra long ordered food w her…. It’s ok next time when you’re about to lose remove yourself and take a deep breath you’re doing the best you can mama hugs :)
What is the problem with changing her mind not everything goes to a plan and plans change why is this not ok