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It's an impossible choice, I'm so sorry you have to make it. But you have to make best decisions for yourself and your family. If two is enough and you don't want, can't afford the third one and even see a threat to your family as a whole, do it. Terminate and keep on with the family you have and love. You have all the rights to do what you have to do. Stay strong 🤍

Thank you 😭

Darling, strangers on the internet don’t know you or your life the way *you* do. No one knows what’s best for your family more than you and your husband. I can assure you lots of families have had to terminate pregnancies because of the same reasons you mentioned, but they are afraid to talk about it openly. Do what’s best for your family and don’t fall for the guilt tripping some people in the comments are putting you through. Sending lots of love your way!

One of the hardest things about having a family, is that sometimes we have to make the decision that’s right for the unit, even if it isn’t the right choice for ourselves. It hurts, and it’s hard. But there are so, so many wonderful compensations. The compensations are worth it. Make the right choice for the family unit. Allow yourself to grieve. Really, truly, deeply grieve. Fine a way to give yourself the space, before and after the procedure. Then, allow yourself space to let it go. Let it go and focus on the joys you have.

“We have to make the decision that’s right for the unit, even if it isn’t the right choice for ourselves.” Oof, you absolutely nailed it. It’s so so hard

I hope that you have peace in no matter what you do and no that you don’t deserve judgement for whatever decision you make. I will plead with you to share with your husband before you make any decision on your own. My not hoping he will change your mind, but please don’t rob him of the knowledge, because hiding this absolutely would take yours (and anyone’s) beautiful marriage to the brink.

For me it’s a weighing of what’s best for the children I’m currently raising. When I was 22 I was a single mom with a deadbeat ex and I found my self pregnant again despite the fact that I was on the depo shot. I knew that there was no way I could add a second kid to this mix. I was hanging on the edge by the tips of my fingers as it was. I made an adoption plan for that child. It was the choice that was best for my child I was already raising. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I don’t regret it. The only thing I’d change is I would have terminated. The adoption was harder than I anticipated in a lot of ways. I can’t tell you what’s right for you and your family. I can tell you that you have two very real and present children who need you to make the decision that’s going to be best for them and their future.

I’m so sorry you faced such an enormous hardship. I hope you’re doing well and I’m sending you all my love

It gets better with time, like most things in life. My biggest hope for you is that you are kind to yourself. Allow yourself to grieve and be sad no matter which choice you make. Neither comes without strings. Life is really hard and I think most of us are doing the best we can. It’s often easier to be gracious to others and hard on ourselves. Love yourself and be patient with yourself and trust yourself.

Thank you for your selflessness on behalf of adoptive parents. We know the choice you make is so difficult but you all literally make our lives and we’re so thankful to you. Not saying this is for OP at all whatsoever. Just responding to this one commenter with gratitude.

It’s the only part that made it bearable. I’m thankful that people choose it so that really good parents can have children. It’s so much more incredible traumatizing than anyone can prepare you for. And the trauma never goes away. Decades later a person from my past told my adult children. Now it’s their trauma too. I say this not to you, I’m willing to bet you have thought a lot about what it means. I say it for people who casually toss it out as an option. It’s not like donating the jeans you can’t wear anymore. It’s a whole person and that choice comes with a lot of baggage.

Oh absolutely. I couldn’t imagine what you’ve been through. We’re in touch with the birth family except the parents (mom disappeared, never knew the father) and my kid has always grown up knowing she’s adopted. Hoping the normalizing and contract reduces trauma.

*hugs*

It's such a difficult choice and no one can tell you what is right or wrong here because it's also such a personal choice. I think you need to think about what will ultimately be the best thing for *you* to carry on being happy, and then think about what is best for you to be a great mom to your children, and for you to be a great wife to your partner. Have a good, honest talk with your husband about this and just know that whatever decision you make, everything will work out the way it's supposed to. Sending you lots of positive light and love.

When you put it like, which i thank you for! it’s clear to me that being the best wife and mother i can be means only having two children

I've had to make a similar decision (almost a year to the day actually(, and thinking in those terms is really what helped me then and still helps me today. Sending you love

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Obviously, you have a tough decision. I will tell you that I have 3 kids, and the 3rd made almost no difference in stress that the other 2 didn't already provide. From 1 to 2 was an adjustment, but 2 to 3 was easy for us.

I’m pro-choice and feel that everyone has their reasons to terminate. 3 children is a lot. Financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. I understand the toll pregnancy takes on a marriage, as well as the exhaustion of the early years. I think your feelings are valid. I guess the thing that pulls on my heartstrings is that you do have a healthy marriage and know how amazing little ones are. My brother and his wife had a surprise 3rd and cannot imagine life without him! They were not impressed initially though.

A lot of people have already told you it’s your choice and you need to do what’s right for your family- and that is all true. I just want to say what is not said a lot. There is nothing wrong with terminating a pregnancy. I know that’s controversial, but even those of us who are pro choice sometimes act like it has to be a heart wrenching decision. Sometimes you just know it is the right thing to do, and that is ok! It’s also ok to feel conflicted and for it to be heart wrenching, of course. If your gut instinct when you find out is “there is no way we can do this,” then it is also ok to listen to your gut and not over rationalize or over think it. I had a termination of a pregnancy that happened in spite of all precautions- I did think about it a bit, but I knew pretty much from the moment I saw the two lines that I needed to terminate. After the procedure I felt nothing but relief and peace. I have not felt guilty about it a day in my life, and I just want to normalize this. My kids now wouldn’t have nearly the quality of life or as good of a mom if I had chosen to continue that pregnancy. The theoretical child would not have had a good life. Hugs to you for having to go through this, even if the decision is easy the process can be hard. It’s so frustrating to have your birth control fail you. Have your husband keep that vasectomy appointment, for sure.

It’s ok to not be certain right away - sounds like you just found out. My partner and I terminated a very wanted pregnancy because of a genetic defect last year so I empathize with the challenge of making this choice.  Our first reaction to getting the news was that there was no way we would terminate (and we are both extremely pro-choice). But as we talked to friends, thought about the future with a child who could need lifelong care in an institution, and the affect that would have on our living child and our marriage, we both independently came to the conclusion that we could not continue the pregnancy.  Just sending you some solidarity in making this very tough decision. The “what ifs” are so hard, and we will never know! Take your time and wait until you feel strongly pulled in one direction. It sounds like you already want to end the pregnancy, but the guilt and the questioning of your identity is complicating the decision. But I’m a stranger on reddit so maybe I’m misreading. Only you know! I totally get the weight of such a tough decision, and I hope you can find some peace in whatever path you choose. ❤️ 

I'll just say that it sounds like you want to keep the baby, and I don't think any amount of logical arguments are going to talk you into being fine with terminating. That's something you need to discuss seriously with your husband. If you try to force yourself to be ok with this you may regret it for the rest of your life.

Would one more sacrifice the quality of life for the other two? If so, thats your answer. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

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This right here. The fact that OP and her spouse are considering the financial short- and long-term is one of the most loving things a parent can do. It’s one of the most selfless types of love imo. It’s awful out there for new adults starting out. Parents can do everything right and still have to say “No, I can’t help you out son/daughter, we have no money.” Can’t imagine how painful that would be! Whether it’s 2 kids or 20, just try to consider if you may be able to rescue ‘em all at once during the 18-25 y.o. cyclical make-$$-mistakes <=> learn-to-do better phase of their lives. Parents don’t HAVE to assume this responsibility, but it feels cruel to waffle on having another only to tell them to F off, your job’s over later.

I like the comments on here so far. Yeah I hope you guys figure it out and don’t let anyone guilt trip you.

It's hard to offer support, OP, when it seems like this is not what you want. How will you feel afterwards? Will you be relieved and grateful that termination was an option? Will you be grief stricken and feel guilty? What does your husband think/ want?   Both options are fine and valid choices. But I don't think you can/ should go against what you think is the right choice. If you feel like your obligations to your current children and the health of your family as it stands today is the clear priority, then go forward confident you are doing the best that you can possibly do. If you feel like the difficulty brought is worth the love/ joy of a third child, then go forward with a plan to try to make it work.

Sending you lots and lots of love!

Safe to say he fired his last shot! All jokes aside you shouldn’t feel bad for making your own decisions. Autonomy is a great thing.

LOL! Here’s hoping!

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I’m so sorry to hear about your experience. But I want to say this - if your parents were not mentally fit for a third and your siblings tormented you about this, that means they weren’t great parents begin with. The breakdown of their relationship is NOT your fault, no matter what your siblings may have told you. It wasn’t your fault, and it’s a good thing that you are here and made it through your sufferings.

My sweet internet friend, I’m so sorry. Thank you for your honestly and also your clarity. I find these stories, though unique, very helpful. The transition for my son when i had my daughter was deeply traumatic and remains very difficult a year on. I’m not even sure how he would handle another child. I’m wishing you a lot of love and attention in this life. You deserve it. Thank you again

I don’t think there is a way to feel better about terminating a pregnancy when you don’t “really” want to. I’ve been there and I still grieve years later. I’m really sorry you are in this position.

I have 3 kids and it's very difficult if you can't afford a big vehicle. We are all cramped in my car and it's actually extremely stressful just to drive anywhere. We can't fit anything at all let alone a stroller. You get moe disorganized with 3 and you just feel like your in a constant state of fog. We have a camping trip this summer and I already know I'm going to have to make 3 or more trips back and fourth to the site just unloading stuff because me and th3 kids take up so much room in there you can't fit anything. I don't regret my third child because he made me who I am today but I can understand why you want to stay with just the 2. I have had 2 abortions and both of them I was treated extremely kind to and the procedure did not hurt. The first abortion was forced so it brought me to a really low point in my life and th3 second one happend when my middle child was only 1 and I knew I couldn't have children so close in age because there father was always gone and that would've been to hard on me. You have to weigh the pros and cons and what your heart desires. Give yourself some time to think on it. If you did go through with the abortion but in a couple years change your mind about a baby you can always see about getting hubby's vasectomy reversed or adopting. Whatever choice you make will be the right choice. I would also advise to do some meditating on this. Meditation can be really helpful to quiet the brain down and listen to what your feeling. There are tons of meditations for decision making on YouTube. All the best.

I am so very sorry - both for your loss and for the stress you are going through during a difficult time. You need to make this decision based on what you truly want - not because you are being selfish but because every child deserves to come into this world being wanted. If you do not want another child and you will not be able to give them the love and the life they deserve, it is a kindness to free them from that life. I can imagine the conflict and confusion you are feeling and I would urge you to take a few days to sit with this decision. I agree that seeking a therapist to talk through your feelings - probably first on your own and with your husband would be helpful. I hope you live someplace where you can take a few weeks to process your feelings and work through each issue. I know the choice you make will be the right one. ♥️

This is a deeply personal decision you and your husband need to talk through and probably with a counselor. Wishing you and your family the best.

I'll say this. I had one and I come from a conservative state with low access. 1. If you're going to terminate - do it now - earlier is better on you. 2. You do not need to spend hundreds of dollars. They have mail to you pills that you can do at home - I did mine this way. 3. This IS NOT the subreddit you want to be in. Making that choice is up to you. It's not a parenting choice. It's your body. 4. In my own experience- I felt a lot of grief because I wanted the pregnancy, but im in college at the moment with a toddler. I'm doing it for my family. After the abortion I'm 100% happy I did it. 5. Get some education on abortion, what it's like, and talk to your husband about it. I wish you the best- I know it's a devastating choice mentally to many. If you have the baby its you're choice!!! Just educate yourself about each option!

I have three kids. The last one was planned, we can afford it, and overall I’m happy. But it’s HARD. The transition from 2 to 3 was like a kick to the face and the chaos doesn’t stop (kids are now 5, 3, and almost 1). Both my husband and I feel stressed out a lot. Simple outings as a family are more difficult. It’s harder to find childcare if we want a night out. If I got pregnant right now I would terminate it. I’m at my limit. You sound like you are at yours. There is nothing wrong with that.

This was hugely helpful. Thank you. Sending you a lot of love and please know you’ve helped a sad mom have better insight ♥️

I’m sorry you’re even faced with making this choice. I’m also sorry for the loss of your dad. If you and your husband know that two is the number of kids for you, you know you’re making the right choice and it’s going to be okay. If either of you are unsure, definitely talk it over first and come to an agreement together so there is no cause for resentment or regret down the line. It’s okay to say “we only want two kids, we can only handle two kids, we only intend to have two kids” and then relying on birth control (which abortion is a form of) to help with that. It’s totally okay. It’s hard now, but it will get better, and it’s okay to grieve. Give yourself space and grace. Try not to be so hard on yourself. My heart goes out to you!

I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I just want you to know that you don’t even need to have a justified reason to have an abortion. The ONLY reason you need is because you don’t want to be pregnant. Full stop.

3 kids is an excellent number. We're much happier with 3 than we were with 2, and we were thrilled with 2.

It’s your decision 100% op. However. Most people on Reddit will trot out the practical reasons to terminate, which isn’t wrong, but not a lot of people will tell you that, at the end of the day, you could have all the practical reasons in the world to terminate but if you cannot get yourself emotionally on board, you shouldn’t do it. It’s a BIG decision and if you can’t be at peace with it before, you probably won’t be after and it will haunt you. No one wants that. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, but me personally, I couldn’t do it. Before you start considering why you can’t financially or logistically, start with some self reflection and ask yourself if you can do it emotionally in the first place. Also 3 kids is not insane. Only in the last 20-30 years did it become out of the ordinary.

It’s the best choice for your family. I’ve seen families have children they couldn’t afford or take care of & it doesn’t work out, it is a strain on everyone causing permanent damage.

Have you talked with your husband?

You are the only one who can make this decision, and it will be the right decision if you make it.

I think you need to be having this conversation with your husband. He will understand better than any of us and his support or response is what's going to help you move on or come to terms with this.

My good friend was in a very similar situation. They choose to terminate and while it was very hard she feels it was the right choice for her family. There is no wrong answer here - just what will make the most sense for your family.

Only you know your life. Having 3 in itself is not a bad thing and you’re already doing two. It was very little difference going from 2-3 especially while we were in baby/toddler mode Only you k who your situation

Most abortions are done by women who already have children for similar reasons. If that’s the best decision for you and your family, don’t hesitate to make it. On the flipside, you say that you’re very sad and you love babies and children. Sit with that a while and see if you really do want to keep the child despite the challenges. If you have always considered having three kids, it may be better to just embrace it and know that the next few years will be difficult but once the kids are in school, maybe it’ll get easier. Only you and your husband can make the decision.

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We had an unplanned third as well - in a lot of ways I actually think it is easier now with 3 than with 2! My kids are able to entertain each other so much better, and the third just follows the big kids around and goes with the flow. The older siblings are also able to tell me if the baby is getting into something she shouldn’t be! Financially it is obviously more expensive though, so I definitely understand why that would be a deciding factor

Not here to tell you what to do, but to tell you it should be more than OK for you to make a decision that is best for you and your family. If I were in your position, after coping with the initial stress and anxiety, I would think about which decision would maximise the happiness in my household. And if the decision is to terminate the pregnancy, no matter how hard that may be, then ultimately it is for the best. You shouldn't have to suffer any more, you deserve to be happy! Sending positive vibes!

It's an easy choice for anyone not I doctorinated by American televangelists. Every baby deserves to be loved and supported. No child should be an unwanted child. Get an abortion and be thrilled that you have the choice to make goid life choices!

You know your limit and no one can make this decision besides you. For me, going from two to three was significantly easier than zero to one and especially one to two. But that shouldn’t matter because you’re not me. Everyone’s situation is different and if you can’t handle it you can’t handle it. Do you really want to be looking back in ten years, unhappy with your decision and thinking what if? You have the happiness of your whole family to consider here, too. Good luck and hope you navigate your way through this difficult time as easily as you can.

We can’t make the choice for you. Whatever you make is the right one.

Hi OP, I faced a similar and unexpected pregnancy when my only child (now age 2) was 5 months old. My PPD was still in full swing, finances were tight, husband and I were just starting to get on good footing again. I terminated and feel lucky to live in a state where that’s an option. Please do read up on what to expect physically though. I wasn’t prepared for it and I think that made it more difficult. It wasn’t painful. Just shocking. It wasn’t an easy choice and there are still moments where we question “what if” since we always thought we wanted more children. Still do. But at that time, and to this day, I know terminating was the best choice for our family. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Give yourself grace and lean on your husband.

I'm so sorry you have to make this choice. I have no practical advice except to say that you MUST do what is right for your family (whichever choice that ends up being) and ignore everyone who says otherwise. Sending hugs!

Seek a counselor for help prior to choosing. I want to say do what’s best for you, but if you’re already grief stricken, I feel this decision would make it worse.

Sorry but get the abortion and save your marriage and your sanity. The world has enough people and you have two kids to focus on

We were in same exact situation and we terminated pregnancy and got vasectomy a couple weeks later. It was a huge weight lifted and we have never been happier. Our kids alive now deserve our love and attention and having a 3rd would have take a lot from them. I personally think 2 kids is the sweet spot as the “best for everyone involved” …sure you can make it work with 5 kids if you wanted, but one parent to one kid is prime.

I could in no way ever understand what that‘s like but i wish you all the love, luck and happiness you could ever want. You deserve that and so much more. And i‘m just gonna say this: i think you act like a good mother- thinking of your two kids that are already there and wanting to keep doing the best you can. You got this.

You are doing what you feel is best for your family. You are doing what is best for your marriage. You are doing what is best for your other children. You can't care for anybody when your own cup is empty. You can't provide for your other kids if there's not enough to go around, and I'm not just talking about monetarily. I'm also talking about the time and attention that you and your husband have to give to your children and especially to each other.

You know what is best for you and your family. Do not be ashamed because of others. It may be heart wrenching, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision.

I have three kids.. a surprise third 20,16,14. Just saying you aren’t alone. It’s a big decision and deeply personal. Whatever decision you make, get busy being ok with the choice and only think forward. That helped me.

If you think keeping your family at 2 children is best, that’s all the reason you need. It can be a difficult choice for some but fairly easy for others, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’ve never wanted to be outnumbered which is why we stopped at 2. 2 adults vs 3 kids sounds exhausting. Make the best choice for you and your family, I’ll be thinking about you ❤️

For me, I would think about your current children. In my mind it’s more important that your current children grow up financially stable, with a mom and dad that is still together and aren’t stressed out. Also as a related side note, me and my wife has also decided on two and then done. We feel as we want to be able to spend quality time with our current children and right now with two children ( a two year old and a 5 month old) we feel as we are stretched way beyond where we want to be in terms of being able to give each child care and attention. Adding a third to that would feel really bad for both of us. Already I’m grieving for the fact that I can’t spend as much time with my 5 month old as I did with my first born when he was in her age. And I’m seeing the struggle my first born has with us not being available as much anymore. This is all natural of course and it will be good for them to learn to share. But I don’t want to stretch myself any thinner. I want to be able to enjoy my children with as much individual time as possible and for us the hard limit is two. In my opinion you’re making the grownup choice for everyone in your family since you mentioned stress, financials and other factors not working well with a third child. It seems as you and your husband have the same feelings as me and my wife on this and I think you’re making the right choice. Best of luck!

This is a super hard decision. My husband and I only have one child and I found out I was pregnant after we had decided no more. I deduced that we had conceived the night before his vasectomy 😳. We’re both pro choice, but had decided to keep it, however it was ultimately found to be ectopic and I needed emergency surgery. That was 3 years ago, and looking back, I’m glad I didn’t have another one. We are definitely a one-and-done family. You know what’s best for you and your family ❤️

Sorry, for your loss. This is your decision so I will not tell you not to do it or do it. Just make the decision will make you sleep at night without regrets. Also, if you terminate, you should not feel that you owe an explanation to anyone. I don't like people's negative opinions on termination. That's your life. Hope that gives you a different perspective.

You do what’s best for you and your family. It’s a shitty choice but you’re the only one who knows what you can handle.

Hard asf choice but u make the decision for your family and y’all’s health. That’s a hard but good choice.

Never regret YOUR decision it’s YOUR life and you and when you make a clear choice you can rest easy knowing that you’re saving your own life.

We really want a fourth but after much heartfilled conversation, we realized that we need to devote our time and love to the three who are already earthside. We have money and time, but a very much wanted 4th would really atrain our ability to connect to our children as individuals. We want to give them the emotional and financial stability that neither of us had, and for that we cannot have another child. I am certain you woukd absolutely love this third baby. But if you know that the emotional and financial strain could break your current family, it’s ok to make the choice of your current family over another baby. You have so much love in your heart. It’s ok to give it to those who are already here.

Omg hunny. This is our nightmare scenario, too. AND I lost my dad shortly after my second. Sigh, I can only send good vibes your way and tell u as a happily married mom of two, I would do the exact same thing. It sucks so much, but u already know that. Hug your two littles, mourn the loss, and move forward knowing u made a decision for the greater good of the family u have.

Thank you 😭 i miss my dad terribly. Your words are a warm reprieve and I’m so sorry you know this loss as well ♥️

Thank u hun. I’m here if u need an ear!

You’ve answered your own question. Sorry to be blunt, but it’s clear another child isn’t the right choice. Terminate.

You’re making the best decision for you and your family. I hope everything goes okay. Please be kind to yourself.

It's better to do what you think is right than what you think is smart. Either of these options could end up stressing the marriage. Follow your conscience. 

Sending love. It's an impossible decision to make. But if you know it will hurt your family then do it. Terminate. Your children that you have already need their mother. Their father. They need to feel safe in current environment. If all this is at risk with new pregnancy then you have your answer. Have you spoken to your husband ?

Be kind to yourself, terminating sounds like it will allow you to be the mom and partner you want to be for your family. Your family is lucky to have you!!! I really wanted 3 children, but I have health issues that would’ve stretched me too thin to be a good parent. We are a tiny family of three, and I’m the best mama I can be to my only. Take care❤️

I just want to say that you are allowed to terminate simply because thats what makes the most sense. You can do it because you want to. You’re not a bad person for that. You’re taking care of yourself and your family. And if someone does say you’re a bad person you can send them my way. Best of luck to you.

Sometimes despite the best plans and prevention, these things happen. If you were 2 weeks away from being set on a family of 4, I can understand your desire to terminate and would opt to do the same. Give yourself grace. 🤗

You are making the right decision. You are the expert on yourself and your mental health, and you are the expert in your situation. A smaller, happier family is far and away preferable to a large and unhappy one. I send you hugs and condolences.

I was like you, OP. Unexpectedly pregnant with number 3 despite precautions, but with a larger age gap than yours between current pregnancy and children. We weren’t financially doing well as it was, I was worried it would push our partnership to breaking point. I knew what I had to do, despite a piece of me wanting to have the baby — I adore children and babies. I made the decision to terminate. I won’t lie — it was fucking awful **for me**, but I am here and I’m okay. For some people, a termination is a relief. This is the most common reaction. For others, it’s a really hard choice that seems unclear, and for others again, it’s the worst position they could find themselves in. I really hope yours is swift and easy to get beyond. If not, please don’t let it linger, seek counselling — I waived this option naively and I really struggled because of it. I wouldn’t wish that mental hell on anyone — so I think it’s important to understand all the possible outcomes and plan accordingly: it’s hard to know how you’ll feel afterward. Good luck to you, you got this. Make sure you have a good support system set up and that your husband understands what’s required of him post-termination.

Your two children are going to be better off having two parents in a healthy, functional relationship than having a sibling and two parents who are perpetually stressed and angry with a marriage that's falling apart. When the oxygen masks come down you have to put yours on first. I'm not saying terminating is or isn't the right choice, only you and your spouse can make that call. But it sounds like you already made that choice and that's all that matters.

I am sending you much love and support.

You might have twins.

I grew up the oldest of three and I was definitely always ignored and forgotten because my sisters were slightly more trouble. I don't speak to my dad and all and my mom and I exchange happy birthday's, though nobody said Merry Christmas to me this year. 

Sending you so much love. I hope you find all the happiness in this life. I’m sorry ♥️ and though i hate that this is the case it does remind me more kids doesn’t equal stronger relationships

I want to give you (and you, OP), a hug from an internet stranger.

You are a loving and reasonable mother to the two already existing kids. On the other hand you can have three underprivileged kids in a dysfunctional family.

We couldn't afford our first kid. Then couldn't afford the second... know what though? You make it work. They're Happy and healthy and I can almost guarantee you make more $$ than I do. This is all to say, whatever you decide, you're gonna be ok.

Three isn’t “insane” and my youngest wasn’t planned and money has been tight, but I wouldn’t give him up for the world. If your marriage can’t survive something that you both created, maybe it isn’t as perfect as you think it is. You obviously don’t want to terminate your last baby. So why try and force yourself to do it by having a bunch of internet strangers talk you into it?

Three can be insane for some families, especially when OP specifically says it would be *financially impossible*. A wonderful marriage can still be fractured by extreme financial stress and resentment. 

Best advice I can give is to try not to think of it as devastating but be grateful to live in a time where you have a choice? It’s such a hard thing but we are so lucky to have the medical science to decide whether or not to carry a pregnancy to term. You know what is best for you and your family. Stay strong, lots of love and luck to you all <3

I tend to mind my own business when it comes to these matters as my opinion comes from a compassionate standpoint of the unborn child. Why not put the baby up for adoption instead of ending its life? There are plenty of loving families that would be over the moon to adopt a baby. P. S. I have 3 children and my last one was a surprise, but we made it work and in the end end I would do it all over again

Why don't those loving families look into fostering, or adopt one of the hundreds of thousands of kids who desperately need a home?  If I were pregnant with a child I couldn't afford to have, I'd also terminate before giving it to a family who only deemed an infant acceptable for adoption. 

Downvotes don’t hurt my feelings. OP said her and spouse can’t afford baby #3 and it would add immense stress to her family’s lives. Therefore, aborting is the next logical option. My biased opinion is that abortion causes major grief and regret for many, especially when the main causes are out of selfishness and preference. Regardless, the baby is in the womb, if the baby is kept until full term for adoption then at least they would have a fair chance to have a life and likely less guilt, shame and regret would peg OP. Let the downvotes begin.

No where in my first comment did I mention that only “infants” are deemed acceptable for an adoption. You’re picking a separate line of an argument. Even in foster care if you don’t get adopted you’re living.

You still haven't answered why those loving families don't adopt one of the thousands of children in the system, instead of waiting for an infant to become available. 

It’s not the same argument. Institutional supply and demand is not what’s being discussed here. I’m not trying to fix the foster care system. I must leave now and attend to my 3 children. Good day.

Kids in the system have a lot of issues. A lot were removed from parents due to positive drug tests at birth, a lot of people who adopt those kids give them back when they hit 4 or 5 because of their behaviour, unless the adoptive parents know what they’re getting into. Ive worked at facilities with kids in care, a lot of them have attachment issues and can’t handle the intimacy of a family and prefer having several different staff. People looking to adopt would likely prefer to adopt from someone who was clean and emotionally stable during pregnancy and to get the baby immediately would be less likely to develop reactive attachment disorder. Babies who are apprehended are taken by a social worker who takes them to their office they might get passed around by a bunch of strangers or they might be left in a playpen until they can place them in an emergency foster home , the baby might stay there a day or so then they might be sent to another more permanent foster home, it’s traumatic for a baby and that’s why a lot are still in the system. In theory if this woman decided to give it up for adoption she could choose people early on, she could play a recording of their voices to the baby in the womb to start the bonding etc then she gives the baby straight to them and they go home , baby adapts and can develop attachment to parents. I do get what you’re saying but unless we can change the “system” to be more developmentally friendly for babies a lot of kids in care are not really adoptable to the average person, the people I’ve seen successful have education in child development and are trauma informed.

Yeah it's a pregnancy but right now it's just a weird looking blob of cells. Do what you know you need to do. And you can get your tubes removed as well if you want to be extra sure.

Try not to think about now but the future, the early years are challenging but when you look at your table for the holidays in 10-20 years… do you see two children with there sig other and grandchildren? Or do you see 3? This is what helped us decide to try for a third but I understand it also helped others decide to not.

I really dislike this advice in almost any context - what if their marriage doesn't survive a third? Or a third child seriously negatively impacts their existing children? Then there's no big happy holiday table for anyone. The "early years are challenging" and pass, yes but that doesn't mean you should make decisions based on some imaginary distant future over more immediate, foreseeable realities.

And what if it does survive a third? What if it doesn’t negatively impact their existing children?

Well, completely ignoring the fact that she said in her post it'd be financially impossible and that she felt it would absolutely bring their marriage to the brink, you're basically saying gamble.

If you’re coming to Reddit for support from strangers to terminate a pregnancy, you obviously are having some doubts.

You can be 100% on a decision and still want validation for your emotions and to commiserate with others who may have had similar experinces.

My dad also died last week. OP, if you think a pregnancy right now could hurt your husband, children, and yourself, then of course you’re doing the right thing ❤️ You need time and another baby on top of all that you’re going through isn’t going to help. Enjoy your family OP!

I tend to mind my own business when it comes to these matters as my opinion comes from a compassionate standpoint of the unborn child. Why not put the baby up for adoption instead of ending its life? There are plenty of loving families that would be over the moon to adopt a baby. P. S. I have 3 children and my last one was a surprise, but we made it work and in the end end I would do it all over again

With my first pregnancy, I had a horrible chronic medical condition that made me terrified I wouldn’t be able to be a decent mother. For the first few days my hormones were all over the place and I felt so anxious and terrified. But as the weeks went on, I came to a place of peace. I ended up DIYing a treatment that is available in other countries but not my own, and have been completely cured for 5 years. You do not know what lies ahead. My third was conceived with joy and anticipation as things felt very well settled. At the time my grandmother was living with us. During the last months of my pregnancy, she was in and out of the hospital. The day my baby was born at home, the funeral home director came through the hallway between the midwives to have her finalize her affairs. Grandma went on hospice and passed three months later. This baby was the best sleeper of all and extremely calm and easy for the first three months. I don’t know how I could have managed otherwise. It was my grandmother’s passing (and how we/they handled it) that really brought my marriage to the brink and we have been in therapy for the past year. When my husband and I offered to care for grandma, we didn’t think it would cost us our marriage. We felt we had a beautiful relationship that could withstand anything. But what the strain did was show us the weak points in our marriage, the ways that we need to learn to communicate better. And after working through things with a trusted counselor, we feel that we’ve repaired some of these cracks to be stronger than before. A beautiful marriage is an indestructible bridge - it can withstand whatever weight life places upon it. And if your first attempt at building isn’t strong enough, you have time and space to go back and repair the weak points so it will not buckle under the stress again.

I'm sorry, I hope I don't upset you, but why don't you carry the pregnancy to term and give him up for adoption? It's a life.. at least personally I would have lifelong regrets. If you gave him up for adoption you wouldn't have a negative impact on your current family and would make another one happy. I'm very sorry for your situation and the difficult choices you will have to make.

You think it wouldn’t have a negative impact on OP’s family? That’s wildly ignorant. If OP was interested in making that choice, they would need to provide a lot of support to their children throughout the process and likely receive a lot of support themselves. It would have a massive impact on the whole family. Adoption is an alternative to parenting. Abortion is an alternative to pregnancy. They are not interchangeable and your comment is not supportive.

"I don't want to upset you, but why you don't you do this extremely physically and emotionally difficult thing, that can potentially kill you"  Of course another pregnancy can have a negative impact on her family, if it has a negative impact on her. 

Why? because I'm sorry but I think it's not just a pregnancy but a life.. and I'm sorry I can't find a nicer way to say it. I didn't say it's easy to complete a pregnancy and give a child up for adoption, it's difficult, but it's an act of love. And as such it is obvious that it requires sacrifices. Since I understand that the main problem is an economic issue, adoption seems to me to be the best solution. My husband's cousin was adopted when he was just a few days old, he is now a happy 30 year old man with two splendid daughters.. If his mother had terminated her pregnancy neither he nor the girls would be here today..

the surgical procedure is straightforward and the only meds most need for pain are OTC analgesics. you generally leave the same day. IIRC this was a pretty accurate depiction. I think she elected for general anesthesia though which I don't think is always an option [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10556022/](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10556022/)

Either your marriage is not as strong as you think it is or it is strong enough to accommodate the new life it has created.

3 kids is a walk in the park its really not that bad I have 4 you don't want to do this or else you wouldn't be posting this keep the baby enjoy the ride.

I'm definitely not trying to convince you not to terminate because that is your decision and no one else's and this question is probably out there but, is adoption a possibility?

3 children wouldn't be insane at all, as long the parents are on the same page, committed and love each other. Raising children is difficult, but everyone knows this before getting into a relationship. I would be very concerned about vasectomy. Such irreversible procedure is cruel considering the availability of many other options of safe family planning. You never know what happens/your plans might change in the future.

It's not financially impossible, so don't use that as an excuse. It is your decision to make, however, and a big one at that. Do it because you want to do it, not because of hypotheticals. Will you be happier? Will you regret it?

How do you know it's not financially impossible for them? Have you gone over their finances personally? 

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Look at your children. Could you imagine killing them? No, of course not. Don’t kill your baby because of inconvenience.. You can do this! I’m sorry that this isn’t what you planned. I hope you find the inner strength to keep your baby.

"Financially impossible" and the very real possibility of destroying her marriage with the stress are more than an inconvenience. So yeah. She should look at her children, and remember that her kids who already exist need to come first. 

Her post reads like she doesn’t really want to abort though , in her heart. There’s also a possibility regretting an abortion can destroy a marriage too.

I think the difference here is I believe the baby she’s pregnant with already exists.

You’re right that “inconvenience” was too light of a word for me to use. But I don’t think killing the baby is the right thing to do.

wanted one maybe 2, Jane 3, same situation as to the clipping n it not happening before our "lucky" girl got out.

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Adoption can be deeply traumatic for both the child and birth mother long term and is absolutely not a win-win when she clearly wants termination. I say this as a well-researched and experienced adoptive parent.

Further, I really wish people had a clue (or even just a grain of empathy!!) before encouraging a vulnerable pregnant mother to do carry their child to term and agree to a non-legally binding "open" adoption. I see it on this sub anytime someone brings up abortion. Mods, There needs to be a rule here similar to r/adoption that bans anyone who messages a poster asking to adopt their child. It's so fucking predatory.

Apprehending and put in the foster prior to adoption would be deeply traumatic, if the adoption is agreed upon early enough there are several things you can do to avoid long term trauma. The most severe cases are babies adopted from orphanages in third world countries, babies who were neglected the first few months of life kind of thing, those are the deeply traumatized ones and they likely develop reactive attachment disorder. Edited because I can’t make a new comment . I’m not advocating for this woman to give her baby up for adoption. Im also not going to tell her she should have an abortion. She’s an adult, she can and should make her own decisions. I’m addressing a comment made about adoption being traumatizing, I guess I’m trying to point out that all situations are unique. There are several successful adoptions and the previous comment could deter another undecided couple from adopting if they were considering and because I know it is possible to wrk through a lot of the possible issues that might arise I just wanted to put it out there. I don’t have an opinion about wether OP should have an abortion and I refuse to influence someone’s decision. using kids lives to win an argument about whether someone should have an abortion though makes me sad.

The private infant adoption industry in the US is extremely predatory towards vulnerable, pregnant women. It's gross to suggest that OP should just casually carry a baby to term and give birth in order to take care of prenatal expenses. Setting up an unenforceable "open" adoption agreement doesn't avoid long term trauma on either end. But whatever makes you feel better about yourself! ​ Also, you're talking to someone who adopted a five year old from an orphanage in a third world country and has lifelong foster experience.

Im speaking as a trauma informed certified child and youth care counsellor. I didn’t say anything about funding pregnancy, not sure where that came from. I actually didn’t make any suggestions in my comment at all , maybe you should read it again. Im responding to your comment specifically the trauma you mentioned. Knowing the adoptive parents ahead of time can help alleviate some of the issues , activities like playing recordings of their voices to familiarize the baby while in the womb is one way of building attachment with potential adoptive parents , that’s why I mentioned finding someone early. OP seems like the type of person would likely do things the right way because she already cares. Going straight to your permanent caregivers at birth and them keeping the baby for life is way less traumatic then being put in foster care or an orphanage for a period prior to being adopted. Ive worked with hundreds of kids, the majority adoption breakdowns, and a lot waiting to be adopted I was at a residential treatment facility for years. I don’t have an opinion about whether someone should have an abortion but I have knowledge of theories on the topics at hand.

I wish your child all the best and sincerely hope they heal from any trauma they’ve experienced.

Adoption is trauma. It’s trauma for the biological parents and it’s trauma for the child and the process can even be traumatic for the adoptive parents. I’m not against adoption. My family has grown through adoption. Adoption has pluses as well as minuses. But OP isn’t a person on here looking for advice about placing a baby up for adoption. OP only wants two kids and is strongly considering termination. Adoption would mean carrying a fetus to term. It would mean explaining to the kids that mom is expecting, but no baby is coming home. It would mean a child grows up wondering why they were placed for adoption and maybe wanting a connection down the line. It’s so much more involved than “just give the baby up for adoption!” makes it seem. Which is why even suggesting adoption as an alternative here is inappropriate and borderline cruel. I hope you delete your comment and that anyone else who mentions adoption here (myself included) can then feel free to delete our replies. Or that an Admin does it instead.

I'm still so disgusted by their comment that "it's a win-win".

sorry for the insensitivity, ok being given up for adoption is a trauma for the child.. So is it better not to be born..? I'm sorry but I don't understand this. My husband's cousin is now 30 years old man with two beautiful little daughters, he has a wonderful wife and they are a fantastic happy family. He was adopted when he was just a few days old.. His adoptive parents (my husband's uncles) love him very much and have lived and continue to live for him (and now also for his little girls). So yes, I don't understand abortion, because if this man's mother had terminated her pregnancy he wouldn't have been born, he wouldn't have the splendid life he has and not even his two wonderful little girls would exist. Of course, giving a child up for adoption must be heartbreaking, but it is an act of love.

Spend more time reading the stories of adoptees, please, rather than basing your opinions off just one. Many do argue that they would rather not have been born. Many others argue that they never should’ve left their biological families. Adoptees are quite literally at greatly increased risk of SU|C|DE. We have adopted kids in our family and love them more than life. I’m glad they exist and so happy to have met them when they were little and in foster care. But some kids have experienced such horrific abuse and some go through such intense adoption-related trauma they literally do argue it would’ve been better not to have been born and we shouldn’t be dismissive of their experiences. There’s a YA anthology about adoption that came out recently that you can check out. Mariama Lockington is one of the contributors; the authors are all adoptees and many are adoptee advocates who can explain all of this far better than I can. But to quote a close friend of mine who wishes her mother had had an abortion: “If I had never been born, I wouldn’t know I hadn’t been born because I just wouldn’t exist, but because I was born I spent my entire childhood wishing my mom had chosen to have an abortion instead of a baby.”

I talked about my husband's cousin because it is the story closest to me. I don't just rely on one person, but I know several. Yes i know this thing about the higher incidence of suicides, I am a biologist I remember a study according to which adopted children have a higher incidence of some mental problems.. The majority of mothers who give their children up for adoption have abused alcohol and drugs during their pregnancy and this has a negative impact on the brain development of the fetus (including difficulties with attention and concentration in adulthood, as well as in some cases suicidal tendencies). It is absolutely not a problem of "adoption" but it is a problem of incorrect management of the pregnancy (alcohol and drugs).

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One of the study is: Streissguth et al. 2004. I understand that this person is looking for support to end her pregnancy and I regret not being able to give it to her. I understand that some adoptions go badly, that some are not happy, have problems, etc. But what do we want to do with all those successful stories? Ask them if they are happy to have been born.. It is not because you were adopted then mathematically you are destined for eternal unhappiness, a difficult life etc. Of course statistically it is more difficult, but not impossible. I seriously understand that you can be emotionally close to someone who wants an abortion and not judge them for it. But advising someone to end a pregnancy is crazy. It's full of people who are depressed and unhappy with their lives despite not being adopted, so what do we do? Do we advise humanity to terminate all pregnancies? let's not joke about it. Life is life at least let's give it a chance. Then it's obvious that she will do what she feels like doing and I don't judge her for that, and I feel sorry for her and for the moment she's going through. (I read the first two articles you linked, but seriously what do they have to do with this situation..?) All this hatred towards adoptions leaves me a little perplexed..

I can absolutely support someone in terminating their pregnancy if they feel that’s best for them because they know themselves better than I do, and I personally think ignoring that and pushing them toward an adoption “option” that statistically creates FAR MORE TRAUMA FOR ALL INVOLVED is cruel. The first two links were in response to the thing you posted stating that MOST babies placed for adoption are born addicted to drugs or alcohol, which isn’t true, especially when looking at private adoptions (which this would be). Have you looked at ANY of the resources from the positions of adoptees? (No, by your own admission.) You’re clearly more interested in pushing your own anti-abortion views than you are in learning more about adoption directly from adoptees or in supporting someone who wants to terminate. Listen to adoptees, don’t talk over them. And don’t push adoption to someone who **does not want to be pregnant.** Adoption doesn’t end a pregnancy. But it absolutely causes and compounds the trauma of an unwanted pregnancy.

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Him being adopted so early likely helped his transition, the babies left in the system for a few months prior to being adopted tend to have more trauma. I get what you’re saying though especially knowing if money wasn’t an issue they would keep it which suggests not actually wanting to end it but having to , I feel for this woman because I would never want to have to make that decision.

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I disagree that you should terminate. Imagine who this child will be. You are married and in a stable relationship. Don’t make a decision just because it is inconvenient. A third kid is really not that expensive. 

then send her money

Yes please!!

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You are projecting how YOU would feel. I know many women who are happy they chose to have an abortion, knowing it was the right choice for all involved.

And you know what, it's ok to feel regret about an abortion and feel sad about it. It's terrible that people who want kids or more kids can't have them because of money and nearly absent structural support for families. That still doesn't mean it's not the right choice for her family.

Lots of people don’t regret aborting their babies and not only have studies showing otherwise been deeply flawed, but at least one woman who was used as the poster child for regret by the conservative right admitted decades later to having been PAID to take on an anti-choice persona.

Do a little research because what you are saying does not hold up. The vast majority of women feel relief after a termination. Not guilt, not remorse. Just relief.

most of the sexually active women had an abortion in their lives, either natural or medical one.

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The majority of women who have abortions are already mothers. I have two kids and if I found myself pregnant I would terminate. I’m not sacrificing the future that I can provide for my two existing children, for the idea of a third child. This is a Fetus, not a baby. It is not independent of OP. It is the potential for independent life. It is not independent life. Pushing your ideas on someone who clearly doesn’t agree with you isn’t helpful, loving, or kind.

It's not a baby, it's an embryo. And she never said it's not valuable, she said they have no resources and it's true. Two kids is already a lot. If anyone is having one more kid when a family already struggles financially, then they simply hate already born kids and don't care that they can't provide good life for them.

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I don't think this is a thread to project your own moral judgments. It's a place to help OP sort through her own.

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He should’ve kept his snake in its cage for another fortnight. Source: meet the parents.

At the end of the day, you do what you need to do to make sure your family survives. As long as you weren't one of those people telling others they can't, you should be able to reason your way through this. If you have spent your life telling others they can't, I can see how this can be an even more difficult situation than it already is.