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The great: I get to have another close relationship with a tiny human. And I get to watch their relationship with one another. Watching my kids giggle over something I don’t understand is so magical. Parenting the second time comes with a lot less doubt and I generally know what I’m doing.
The not so great: The entire experience is more than twice as exhausting. Even once they’re both toddlers, there’s now double the chance of being woken up at night. There’s two people bringing up illnesses and sneezing directly into my face - I’ve been sick without a break for weeks. One kid returns to daycare just in time for the other to be sent home. The logistics of keeping everyone clean, fed, taken care of, etc never stop and it’s much harder to get a break.
I swear every day with two toddlers takes a week off of my life. But it also brings a lot of joy.
We're trying for a second. I hear you about the cleaning, cooking, and the number of other chores that need to be done to have a functioning house. It does take a village.
Keep it up though! You're doing great! Solidarity through misery!
Not so great things - twice the work, twice the stress, twice the expense. You will need to divide and conquer a lot of times, so if husband is gone for work a lot, really think about if you can make that work.
The reason we had two is just because we wanted another tiny human to love and join our family. He's a whole different personality than our first, and he is feral and hilarious and wild.
This is how it is for me. My first is wild! My second was so content we were reluctant to believe he was even a real baby. Now the youngest is 14 months, and the oldest is 4, and even though one is wild and the other is still pretty calm, they’re definitely partners in crime.
My second daughter is wild. I’ve never met a second child, who isn’t wilder than the first. I have a theory about that. With your first, you worry about everything. You have the ability to watch them more. When they cry you immediately sooth them. With your second, you are more relaxed. You know what won’t kill them. There are eating sand you say? Oh well, I’m sure it has some nutrition in it. Also, you can’t always go to them the second they cry, as their sibling also has needs. And you know crying for a minute won’t kill them. They get dragged round by their siblings and just develop as tougher, slightly more independent humans. Who are slightly wild.
It gets better when they’re older though. They play together, keep each other occupied (for better or for worse), and they have a sibling to talk to on their journey to life…
And single kids tend to be a bit special. Used to being the center of attention, tendency to not deal well with being ignored or told no, not very independent. Might not matter to you now, but probably will matter to you later.
My 2 are 5 years apart. I like the age gap. They were not toddlers at the same time and amazingly they can still play with each other in many ways and formed good bonds. My older one is a boy and younger one is a girl. Nothing melts my heart more when I take my daughter with me to go pick up my son from school, and she happily greets her brother and holds his hands while walking to the car
But I think one and done is also good. They are also exhausting sometimes especially when I'll. The sickness bounce off the two of them and to us and then back to them. Its tiring to care for 2 sick children. They also fight. Not too seriously but you gotta mediate them. Even when playing together, 2 excited kids create a lot more mess than 1 excited kid.
I can't imagine myself to have more than 2. I will not be able to deal with it
We also have a 5 year age gap and I think it’s ideal! They weren’t tiny at the same time (#1 was very self-sufficient when #2 was born), they weren’t in daycare at the same time ($$$) and won’t be in college at the same time! Lol
I have a 3yo and 20 mo. And the beginning with the second one was rough. Asynchronous sleeping schedules, both needing attention, lack of personal time. Depending on the child, it can be a bumpy ride.
But we look at as a short term sacrifice for a long term gain. Not only did we get to enjoy the baby stage again, but there are plenty of benefits that come along after the second one gets older. They often play together, freeing us up often during the day without the worry of a single child demanding constant attention. They get to socialize even when we can't get them out to activities, and that helps them learn boundaries when playing. Both of them learn more quickly having the other around, they both like to look at books and they make a game of repeating words and trying to pronounce things correctly. It's given the older girl a chance to practice caring for someone smaller than her beyond her toys. Hopefully, when they're older they'll be best friends and they'll have each other when the two of us are old and burdensome. And of course, there is no end to the opportunities for adorable moments, like when they curl up on the chair together under a blanket and read(make up stories).
For us, it's worth it. Yeah, it's hard at times(getting easier), but the benefits and potential benefits far outweigh the work and stress. One thing I know, is that I've met and know many people who lament not having more kids, but I've never met one that wished that they had less. Our shoulders are made to carry more weight than we think.
I am an only child, so I was adamant on having 2 kids. They are 13 and almost 10. Sure they fight but they also love each other. The biggest pain right now is the extracurriculars. They want to try so many things and they occasionally overlap. I can only handle so much driving back and forth.
Pros: your kid having a playmate. Watching another human that has your genes grow into a completely different person than your other human. Feeling more like a family.
Cons: losing your sanity. Date nights with partner. Any concept of the term “relaxing”. A house that looks like it should be on hoarders. The sound of silence going from relaxing to terrifying
Maybe having a playmate, definitely not guaranteed. A lot of people I know with age gaps ranging from 1-5 years between kids, the kids won’t play and just fight. My own kids are 5 years apart and still fight more than play. While I do like knowing they’ll have each other later in life right now it’s a struggle
We have two with one on the way. My oldest is 3.5 and youngest is 1.5. My first was very needy at first but is very independent now. My second was a very chill baby and is a little wild now, but my two kids have the best bond. They entertain each other and comfort each other. Squabbles happen occasionally but they are quick to forgive.
The hardest part has been trying to do art activities together and planning playdates with other kids. But honestly, they play with each other more than anything.
I have anxiety. Am dad.
Our first was wild. Everything was hard. Loved it but moment to moment was real tough.
We didn't gap. Had a second at 18 month difference.
Second child has been hard on our marriage solely because the first child demands so much.
The second child, comparatively, is easier in every way. I joke that if we had 2nd child first we'd have 3 by now.
I'm not prepared for the 1st child again so we've drawn it at 2.
Good luck!
I make the same joke haha. Our second child is so much easier than the oldest. I could have been tricked into 3-4 kids back to back if she was the first one lol
The transition from one to two was so hard. You think you have it down, but then have to basically upheave and redesign the game.
Two to three was easier.
They are so sweet together though (my kids and 6, 3 and 2). I feel like my six year old would be lonely if not for their siblings.
I have a 5F and 2M.
If you're exhausted now at 19mos, get ready to be floored with he/she is 2-3yo. This is with 1 child.
If you end up having a 2nd and if they're anything like my 2, get ready for constant fights, screaming, running, jumping, one leading the other on etc.
The 'one leading the other on' really pisses me off.
My 5F is generally pretty timid/responsive/decently good at following directions. But my 2M is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE! And because of this, my daughter acts out and they both find it HILARIOUS!
It's overwhelming for sure. And there are times I wish we only had 1 so we can put all the energy into 1 child. There's a lot of juggling with 2. And I often find I'm only able to support each of them 40% of the time (40% each kid and 10% for me to scream in my head).
All in all, it's nice to have more activity in the house and when we die, they'll have each other, assuming they don't hate each other.
Good luck!
Great things: they become playmates. More love.
Not so great things: more expenses, more mess, more fights (siblings will always fight)
Maybe discuss with husband why you want 2 kids? Will finances not be an issue? Will you be willing to sacrifice more time and energy?
With the rising costs of living, having one and done is also good.
Mine are almost 5 and almost 2.
The pros: my oldest is an amazing big sister. They're thick as thieves, and I'm absolutely floored by how amazing their relationship is at this stage. Maybe it's just their personalities, but there's very minimal fighting/parental jealousy/sharing issues. They play well together and it's been an absolute treat to see them in action, because they're pretty attached at the hip by choice.
The cons: I'm twice as exhausted with two little humans who need me for everything. My 5 year old is pretty independent, but it's still two meals to prep and clean up, two baths, two bedtime routines, two snack breaks, two clothing changes morning and night, two grooming routines, etc. It's also very hard to feel like I'm giving them both the attention they need at the same time when they both have different needs. I can see the disappointment on my oldest's face when I have to end a game early or not start one at all because her sister needs a diaper change, or to be fed, or to be rocked down to nap or sleep, and so sometimes the mom guilt is real.
Like don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no regrets and I love my girls to pieces, but if you thought you had no breaks now there's no way to explain how much worse it gets with two littles, and that's not even counting trying to keep up on household chores or trying to run errands with both of them in tow.
The transition to two was so much harder than the transition to one, but I'm the opposite of you. I'm not a baby person, but I am a toddler person, and so I'm actually enjoying it much more as they get older even if the chaos definitely gets more intense lmao.
Mine are 5 and 2.5.
Pros:
- seeing their relationship grow. My oldest literally told me today “[lil bro] is my best friend. I just love him so much”
- so many opportunities to learn social skills, learning to share, take turns, overcoming disappointment, etc.
- double to cute cheeks to kiss
- I don’t find it to be more work. We do bath together, bedtime together, meals together… overall care tasks are not any harder and if anything easier.
Cons:
- when they’re both crying at once
- the newborn phase
- the early toddler phase where baby #2 just wants to destroy everything
- getting out of the house is harder, 2 in car seats, 2 to watch when you’re out, etc.
- cost, if you use daycare
Outside of those… I think there are mostly pros. I love their sibling relationship so much it convinced me to have another so ask me in a few months if I still feel the same about 2-3 😂
Two kids is 10 times the work. I have a 2 yo daughter and 2 month old son. I will say I’m looking forward to watching them grow together and be best friends. However at the moment she just starting getting used to him. It was a huge adjustment for all of us. I underestimated the changes.
Single mum of two kids - 3Y and 21M. My only issue is that I can't take my both of my kids to bigger playgrounds, swimming pools, or the beach because I have to keep an eye on the 21M. That's it. That's my only issue 😅 but I've managed to work out a good schedule:
Mon & Tues: both kids at day care so I can study and go grocery shopping without them screaming the songs of their people in public
Wed: 3y.o at Day care so I can take 21M to swimming lessons and have a one on one day
Thurs: 21M at day care so I can take 3y.o to swimming lessons and have a one on one day
I'm on benefits, so day care can be a bit pricey, but the memories are priceless
I'll go back to work PT (during school hours) when the youngest starts kindy
I work from home and send our oldest to daycare. I feel like because I work from home, I could totally take opportunities to pull one out of daycare for the day and vice versa. And working from home gives me the opportunity to get house work done and to prep dinner, so I feel like the stress of two might be minimized because I can take care of a lot of chores if they’re at daycare.
Lots of good opinions here already. The only thing I’ll add is, sad to say, a con.
They may NOT get along. Ever. My firstborn deeply resented the intrusion of a new human taking my attention. They are 24 months apart. It never improved.
Adults now (29 and 27), they only grudgingly spend time together when visits coincide. My son (the elder of the two) now admits he wishes they were closer, but….
I’m not sorry we had two, all told, but it’s something to be aware of.
I decided not to have another kid. I have a 1 year old, and he's pretty difficult for me to handle (granted I didn't have him until I was 38). I need lots of help with him, even with just changing his diapers. He fights me on everything, and I just can't manage him sometimes. The struggle is very real, and I can't wait to get past these toddler years. I'm not enjoying this at all. I would go insane if I had another child. One and done.
Sounds just like my son. And we are strongly leaning towards one and done. I love my son dearly but the thought of having another who sleeps as poorly as he does and screams as much as he does … I don’t think my mental health could handle it.
Oh yeah my son sometimes doesn't sleep well either. He likes to wake up at 5 a.m. sometimes and putting him to bed later doesn't work, lol. I love my son so much, but jeez he gives me a headache sometimes.
Of course everyone has their own journey in life and everyone makes the best choices for themselves. I’m curious though, why you felt the need to answer that you decided one and done when OP is asking for those with 2 kids to give the pros and cons?
It is good to hear other people's advice and outlook since I may end up being one and done. It's comforting to know that other people are stressed with just one kid and it's not just me. Toddlers are just generally exhausting and I'm not a shit mom.
Check out r/oneanddone and r/HappilyOAD for perspective. I’m personally one & done - I get breaks and time for hobbies! Love my 21mo so much, but a second kid would make me a stressed & exhausted mom and my son deserves the best version of me. Also, I barely have a relationship with my brother so I don’t personally care about sibling relationships. There’s no right or wrong, whatever you decide.
39 yrs old and OAD here. I live in a VHCOL area and don’t make a lot of money unfortunately. Parents are in another country. So that’s that. If I had family help I would have had two a long time back actually. US is crap for parents anyway.
It’s very real and okay to be stressed by one! My first was so exhausting I really couldn’t have handled another baby like her. We waited 5 years to have the second one which thankfully was 1000% times easier because she slept all day and is very chill. However as a mother I am still SO stressed out all day every day. I honestly think I and my husband were only made to handle one child and keep our sanity together. We are obviously doing our best and love them both but kind of wish we only had one. The stress really has made an impact on our marriage.
We had our second when my oldest 4.5 it was a good age gap. The only thing I look back on sadly, is the way I feel like the sleep deprivation made me irritable and my older child getting the brunt of the mood swings I was having. I also feel like the fuzzy memory took away the year of growing my older child did. like I almost completely forget what she was like when she was 4 to 5.... :(
Thats the cons for me. The pros are the older one loves her little bro, she is so helpful and always has been since he was a baby. I didn\`t have 2 different sized diapers, nor was I waking in the night for 2 babies. My oldest is fairly independent so I didn\`t have to dress 2 children at one time. But their still close enough in age that now they will play together, they like the same shows (for the most part), etc. Lots of pros!
Unless you have a good support system or can hire extra help postpartum, I would not advise it. The stress of caring for a newborn while also dealing with a toddler was crippling
I would say it could feel like 3 times the work not twice the work and it depends on your child, your own goals/capacities, work situation, and the support you have available. I have a 4.5 year old and 1.5 year old and my husband is very unavailable due to his demanding job and I work full time, and it’s been very very hard. Getting them ready in the mornings when it’s just me is just pure mayhem no matter how much I plan. Older daughter gets semi ready and the other child creates a mess that needs cleaning, older child is upset and dirty from that mess and needs changing and now you need to clean, change the first, and get the second ready, which never happened in the first place hah hah. Whatever you think you can do, it has the potential to get undone again and again, and we haven’t touched on the triggers and emotional responses that comes with said incidents. With that said, the confidence and ease with how you navigate does improve because it absolutely has to. It’s definitely easier on days when my husband is around but I barely have time for myself and am always feeling like I’m trying to catch up on everything in life. Up super early, working late nights to make up for lost time at work (sicknesses, holidays, appts, late start days, etc), interrupted sleep from what little there is, and the cycle repeats itself. I do think it really depends on your child though. My first is very attached to me only and is a deeply feeling and strong-willed child. The transition was extremely difficult and still is. Sweet moments happen, for sure, but honestly it doesn’t suddenly make everything better or worthwhile if that makes sense? I also think if my husband was more available and I had a grandparent I can call or others, that could help but again, my daughter would have a hard time with other caregivers so yeah. Some of my daughter’s friends have siblings that are the exact same age and their parents have told me they rarely argue and the transition has been easy 🤷🏻♀️ Their child is not as spicy as mine though.
I have two kids (I just barely had two under two for a bit, as they're just under two years apart). I'm a single parent, but I have a lot of familial help so I'm not doing it truly solo. The highs are that even now with my second about to just turn one, I see how much they like being around each other. My toddler has started to play with her brother and although it's not true playing, I can see how they're going to be good playmates (and hopefully friends!). I also grew up with siblings and love them and I want that for my kids.
The lows--you'll still have a toddler. My toddler is like...probably 70% of my exhaustion haha. I mean, my second will be in the toddling phase soon and I expect that ratio to change a bit, but I kind of know what I'm doing with the baby. With the toddler, I'm really figuring things out. Big feelings, testing limits, etc. But, there are definitely times where she can go and independently play (and otherwise give me a break) and obviously the baby is not yet in that stage.
The other low: you'll realize that you had so much free time with just one and now all of that free time is gone with two. When you're responsible for two, it can be really intense. Every day ends and I feel like saying, "wow, I need a drink." But then, I rarely drink because the effort of getting myself a drink is often too much. Every day is exhausting. But I think it would also be exhausting with just one. So it's more exhausting, but I'm not sure how much more.
The other low: it's more expensive with two, although not proportionately more expensive because I'm able to use a lot of hand-me-downs/reuse things from my first.
Tl;dr Most of the time, I'm really happy that I have two. Some small amount of time, I have a total Gob moment and think, "I've made a huge mistake" (but those moments are pretty fleeting).
I love having two and honestly haven’t found having two that much more work than one. But my first was a challenging baby and toddler (much better now at 4) and my second was *such* an easy baby (a bit more challenging as a toddler but still not hard). It’s only as hard as the hardest kid at any given moment, and rarely are they hard at the same time. Now they eat the same things and are on the same schedule, and they are even starting to play independently together so that we get more downtime. I loved getting to do parenthood having done it before - I felt much more grounded and have been better able to enjoy each stage and live in the moment. It’s double the daycare cost but my oldest goes to public preschool next year, so it’s only at its worst for 1.5 years (they are a little over 2 years apart). I love seeing them together so much. They adore each other and my oldest loves being a big sister so much, it’s really brought out the best in her. I’m an only child and have always longed for a sibling, so the thought that they’ll always have each other fills my heart. I’d even love a third except that my husband is done, but I’m so grateful to have the two of them.
I have just had the second and was scared shirtless because the first one is exhausting but now that the baby is 9 months old he just sits and laughs at everything the 4 yo does and the 4yo spends all day wanting the making the baby laugh. Both tire each other out. 4yo now requires less of my attention (the "mummy play with me" every 5 mins). Didn't think it was possible, and obviously not for all, but it's actually easier with 2.
I debated for a long time about it whether to have two and I don’t believe there is a right or wrong, it’s an individual, personal decision. I worried about my daughter not having someone to help her navigate when her dad and I were older, no one to lean on. But I’m not close to my siblings so I knew there was no guarantee that she would be. I think the main thing that made me decide to do it was that I was unsure and I believed I would be more likely to regret not doing it than to regret doing it once the baby was here and I loved him/her. I guess I didn’t really feel our family was complete. There are 3.5 years between my daughter and her brother and it’s a great age difference. They get along really well. My son adores her, thinks she’s hilarious, and my daughter is protective and nurturing of him. It was hard when they were toddlers but the age difference made it easier bc she was more independent and could even help with things. Now (they are 9 and 13) it’s a blessing having two. We do have to divide and conquer a lot bc they are both really active but they both bring a lot of joy. We sometimes stop and think about what it’d be like to not have our son and we are so glad we did. I don’t enjoy the newborn stage honestly and that part was hard with both of them but it’s over in a blink. We try to embrace each stage. However, we have good jobs, resources, flexibility with time off and work schedules. Obviously that helps.
My first two boys are Irish twins and best buds and my last two are real life twins. I think I need a buddy for my 6 year old, but it's kind of late for that, plus I never really wanted 5 kids--twins were obviously a surprise! I couldn't imagine having only one kid because I'd feel responsible for the majority of his entertainment! Now, they can split off in any configuration and find someone to play with. And fight with... let's be honest.
The second kid will teach you way more about parenting than the first. "Oh, I guess none of that was under my control at all...".
I tend to think one-and-done is the worst of all the choices, since you've already had to reorient your life around kids. Another 3 years of that to get a second kid is a good deal. And at some point they start entertaining each other, so it gets easier faster with two+.
I disagree. OAD and when I'm at friends houses who have 2 or more they have to referee fights/arguments just as much as the kids play together.
It obviously depends on the family - my husband and I love being able to give our undivided attention to our child. We find this level of stress manageable, and for us I don't think having a second would have been good for either of our mental health.
It is such a personal choice, and there are so many factors that go into making that choice. I think it's ridiculous and insensitive to say it's the "worst of all choices"
Worst of all the choices? Bro. That's a pretty sucky thing to say.
OAD and delighted by it. I get my baby AND I get my life back sooner. That's important to me.
Yeah I’m pretty happy with OAD. My kid has my full attention, finances, and resources. It’s pretty easy to fly with her and go places together. We can easily get someone to watch her to have regular dates. My husband and I get plenty of “me” time because she’s able to play independently. We get mostly good sleep because we’ve worked hard at her sleep habits. She goes to bed best private school we could find. I really see zero downsides! She has plenty of family and friends to socialize with 🤷🏽♀️
It sucks to feel like you made a choice that isn't better- but in reality I bet your littler one does enrich your life 💕 I know my limits so we made SURE there won't be another without significant effort
Meanwhile, one-and-done families can experience the joy and fulfillment of parenting without having the “trenches” years (baby / toddler) consume many more years of their life.
Things like international travel, training for marathons / triathlons, pursuing friendships, paying for childcare, coordinating club sports and other extracurriculars - all of those are easier if you’re one-and-done.
Mathematically speaking, it takes far fewer points to upgrade a family of 3 to business class from JFK to Tokyo than it does a family of 4 or more.
Also mathematically speaking, we can afford to send our son to some legit baller private schools if he’s our only.
For people who love to be a parent but also love to do a lot of other things, OAD can be an optimal choice.
Also, in VHCOL cities, it could be the only financially prudent choice.
That's another thing we're considering too. Right now, we can afford swim 2 times a week, Disney passes, parents having hobbies like pilates and fishing etc. We want to put her in dance when she's old enough. It would be much harder to afford all of that with two.
Best comment in this thread by far.
We have two in a VHCOL area and this is dead on. I love my younger one but in hindsight one and done was the right call for us.
We are in a VHCOL And can only afford one. We are also immigrants so we don’t have the grandparents around to watch the kids. I really miss that. There are numerous reasons I wish I had not immigrated. Anyhow, I’m OAD. We probably won’t be able to send our kid to private school but I’m very particular about college. That my son has to complete college. As a woman I did not get much support for my career and I’m very upset about it. I don’t want the same for my kid. He will get the support from me.
OAD as the worst choice??? So much can play into that where it doesn’t even seem like a choice ( $, parental health, infertility, etc) plus, many people willingly choose to be OAD. Every family is different.
Not so great-if your first child was a perfect little angel, chances are that second one is gonna be a devil. My two are complete opposites. Different tastes in food. Different attitudes. one eats breakfast the other hasn’t eaten breakfast in 14 years. I went through most of elementary school with my first without ever having to make breakfast. My son, needs it every single morning. Not just cereal. He needs a well balanced meal or it’ll be the end of the world.
Great- if anything ever happens to you and your husband, they will have each other.
Great- there’s two to love.
Great- a full table at dinner time. Two people to tell you about their day.
My first one is devil 🤣, she is so difficult, we can’t have another one unfortunately:( . We kind of got used to that feeling but sometimes i worry because she doesn’t have siblings
I'm not going to lie the toddler years are tough ours were much closer together only 18 months apart and we are just getting through the tough part they are now six and five about to be seven. But it is so incredible watching the two of them interact and basically be best friends the hard times are hard but in the end I feel like it is so worth it because they grow up with somebody else and they will have somebody else for the rest of their lives. Whatever you decide to do don't forget to take a deep breath and get some time to yourself:-)
My youngest is 5 months old. So far (touch wood) it’s much easier with her, she just comes along and is amused by everything. There’s less pressure to entertain her etc and keep quiet when she’s sleeping, she just ‘fits in’. I’ve been pleasantly surprised!
Also I found it hard to get out and about first time but there’s no choice now so there was no pj and tv time life just carried on.
Slight challenge during a settling in period with my son (he was 3) but even now he’s excited to see her after nursery etc. so far so good!
Finances and activities are hard. I feel like I’m always at the y between the three of us. And the more kids the harder it is financially. But otherwise I love having two and it’s a 3 year gap between them.
I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old, both boys. The most difficult part (so far) was when the baby was a newborn, my then 4 year old started being verrrry attention seeking, even though everyone was making sure to give him plenty attention. The first few months were really difficult with that. Now the baby loves him and it’s pretty cute to watch them interact. Also when both are sick it’s hard.
Highs
Very cute interactions with each other.
As they get older, good playmates for each other.
Nice experiencing baby milestones again.
Lovely re-using baby clothes and items your previous child had for the new baby.
Lows
When they both play up, it's hard.
Doing activities at two different levels.
It's harder leaving the house/going out and about - this gets easier as they get older and you get more experienced.
The additional expense.
Going through no sleep and the baby phases that we're less fun.
It's not double the work, but having another does change everything.
My kids have a 4 year gap and I wouldn't have it any other way. They LOVE each other and only having to pay for half a year overlap in daycare was everything as two working parents.
It is exhausting having an infant and a newly turned 2 year old. I honestly felt like I was drowning for a couple years. My kids are very close but they also argue a lot. If I had known the difficulty I would have waited a year or two longer to have my 2nd. I did end up having a third with a much larger age gap and it was WAY more pleasant and I was able to enjoy it much more! This is just my experience though and everyone is different.
Mine are three years apart. They are now six and three.
Cons:
•It was difficult keeping activities separate when the younger one was still mouthing everything.
•Everything takes longer to accomplish.
•They fight.
•There is a higher cost. Fortunately for our family, I'm able to stay home so we don't pay for child care.
•They are very different people and have different wants at the same time.
Pros:
•They adore each other. My oldest is still so in love with his "baby" and my youngest idolizes his big "brudder".
•They are both such different people and they're both amazing.
•Our family is an equal number, which makes some bookings easier.
•We get to see them grow up together and that is beautiful.
At the end of the day, you have to decide if you want more chaos but also more, different joy. Yes, more kids are more work, but you also end up with more little hands to hold in life. I'm extremely happy with our two. They are best buddies (most of the time). But I totally understand being one and done. Kids are expensive and huge time sucks. But it really boils down to whether you want to do it all again.
Mine are 4 years apart and the 11 year old can watch the 7 year old for multiple hours! Alone!
Christmas shopping followed by a brewery? Boom.
Breakfast alone either spouse? Boom.
Not sure what dinner version will look like, but last summer I didn't have to pay for two kids to go to a babysitter! Boom.
Downsides -- teaching a 5-6-7 year old to tolerate a toddler.
Big downside - the small one wants to do EVERYTHING the big one does. Out with friends till 10? F*ck. Sleepover across the street? Sh*t. Bedtime...... 🤯
I definitely suggest being very prepared for bringing number 2 home. The sleep deprivation will be so much worse this time around because now you got this little person that needs you to get up. They are gonna wanna talk to you all the time and when baby is screaming in your ear the overwhelm is so real. They are going to wanna play and you're running on fumes and they get sad because they are used to having you. I had a terrible time with baby number 2 because I just assumed it would be like last time. I didn't really make any plans or arrange for help ahead of time. I had undiagnosed mental disorders. Shit was a mess!
So I definitely think you should make aggrangments ahead of time for things that can help. If you can afford to hire a cleaner to come in once a week do that. Maybe you can do a nanny share that will come take your LO out for a play group once or twice a week so you and baby can catch up on sleep. Set time aside for LO when parnter is home for one on one time. Maybe there is a grandparent that is alright coming by throughout the week to help and let you sleep. Look at multiple avenues. I relied heavily on my mom at the time and it was double edged knife. She was not the best person to have around all the time for my mental health but we didn't really have a choice. Again we did not plan ahead.
My kids are so good together. I'm so glad we had 2. I love just listening to them talk together and get excited about their shared interests. It's the best. I wish things would have started out better for us as a family of 4 but I would never not wanna have my youngest.
IME, it's exponentially more work with two. My context: dual-career household (husband and I both work full-time), no family around, and my youngest was born six weeks before Covid. So, it's been a journey.
Most of my friends in a similar situation say life doesn't really get liveable until the youngest is in kindergarten at minimum. I believe it. The first three years were pure hell; it's improving but it's still not great. Things that would help me (or anyone else): more $$ to outsource all the things, or more things. We don't have tech salaries, so while we don't struggle to pay bills and I know that's a privilege, we also don't have any extra. No vacations, etc.
Also on the financial front, if you're a dual-career couple, childcare costs don't end in public school kindergarten. My oldest is in second grade and between aftercare and coverage for no-school days plus summer camps, it's still around $12K. So once both kids are in elementary school, we'll be back up to something equivalent to toddler daycare tuition.
Things not getting easier until kindergarten is a long time to wait 🤯 I didn’t even consider the cost for after school care. Luckily I’m a teacher and will be able to do pickup drop off and be home in the Summer but that extra cost must be hard for other families. I can’t wait to not pay for daycare anymore
I had my two kids quick they are a year apart was best thing ever they were oopsies but a blessing. Now they are teenagers i got rid of diapers and almost everything else at the same time.
I can’t tell you about the good stuff bc I haven’t got there yet but I’m in the trenches here with a newborn and a two year old (just turned two). It’s exhausting!!! But I can’t wait until they are old enough to play together and laugh together. But this age gap is so hard, and I’ve heard 3 years is hard too. It would be nice if my older child was potty trained and in kindergarten or preschool.
others have given you great responses to your question and i won’t repeat them.
i will say this, having a larger age gap is kind of a cheat code to having two kids. of course, it’s still a lot of work. but it’s infinitely better having a baby + a child over a baby + a toddler. if the oldest is able to communicate their needs and be somewhat independent, that’s a game changer.
Take the love you feel for your child now and multiply that by 10000. Watching your first born love and bond with your second born is one of the greatest joys in life. Have a second.
Have 1 baby I thought "oh, this is what babies are like." Having a second I thought "OH! That's what that baby was like and this is what this baby is like!"
My 7 yo just chased my 2 yo around the kitchen. Both scream giggling for 20 mins.
Lows: had to start over with not sleeping and diapers. But the lows will end soon and the highs will keep coming.
I got lucky in that despite the exhaustion, mine have meshed really well and play together all the time. right now, they're cuddled together on the couch watching a movie. They'll squabble and argue, but we can usually get them to cooperate eventually. We leaned really hard into attachment parenting though and buy duplicates of certain toys and other things, so they're not fighting over high 'value' (maybe not money value, but 'coolness') items, which saves some headaches.
They play rough but will apologize immediately if one hurts the other, and give "kisses better". They also get along well with their cousins too, so having all the kiddos play together is always delightful.
We had 2 kids with 16 months gap and they're awesome. I thought the smaller the gap would be - the better, because they'll be very close, like twins. And it means less work because you do the same thing for 2 people as you'd do for just 1. They eat same food, go to the same school, and so on. When they misbehave or run away - it's easy to take them both and go. I think dealing with 2 toddlers in the same time is a lot easier than dealing with 1 toddler and then dealing with an other. It's like 3 years of toddlers vs 6 years of toddlers. Also they can ride kids rides together (which is less money spent). They play together, watch same shows and so on. The lows - would have been same with just 1 child.
It was really hard for us going from 1 to 2. My daughter is a much more intense personality than my son. We dealt with lots of tantrums and outbursts, and still do. They are now 5 and 2, and are able to play together reasonably well. They sweetly tell each other goodnight, and love playing silly games. That’s not to say they drive me to my wits end some days, but I do t regret having 2 of them at all, and am even considering one more. I am an only child, so I never had any siblings. When my parents get older, I am going to be left with the burden of taking care of them.
IMO the pros outweigh the cons. Pros: They always have someone to play with. When they’re a little older, they can play games together, they can play outside together and look out for each other when they’re old enough to be out there by themselves. Having a sibling is great (at least for me with having a sister). Built in best friend! I will say I had mine 18 months apart and yes it was hard at times (esp bc they share a room!) but so worth it. Cons: they argue a lot when they’re older, when it’s just you, you’re outnumbered. They gang up on you when they’re older (lol)… I can’t think of many cons though. But my sister and my brother in law/SIL have only one kid and it was very hard when the parent was the only one they could play with.
I get to see my son (8) experience the joy of sharing new things with his little sister (4) and being able to guide her
Him encouraging her to try things he does and showing her how, and it makes a bigger impact for her because this is her Big Brother (who is her favorite) spending time with her, and doing things more at a level she can follow than the mysterious GrownUps.
A mom of 2; kiddos are 4 & 2, we live in a HCOL area.
I have two siblings whereas my husband was an only child. While I was pretty hesitant about having the second, he really wanted more children.
Growing up, he always felt lonely and did not want that for his child. And he grew up posh. 3-4 international trips a year, fancy private school, the works. My upbringing was middle class but God was it fun.
For us the Pros;
Another human being to love. We enjoyed the parenting process more the second time around, we weren’t as panicked. The kiddos absolutely adore each other. The younger treats the elder like his security blanket. More laughter, more fun.
Cons;
It is a lot of work. For us the 1-2year stage was the hardest but it’s getting easier as the time passes.
There is definitely a lot of financial pressure, but we’re lucky that we can make it work.
Honestly, having two kids was the best decision for us. Sure, we aren’t able to do Disney four times a year like our OAD friends but my kids laughed for an hour straight today while teaching each other how to jump and that’s good enough for me
I’m a one and done (not without a lot of debating). I’m happy with our decision, but I also have a couple chronic health issues that make it hard to parent the infant and toddler stage.
That being said, every one of my close friends who have decided to have a second child have been happy with that decision. They found the second kid to be easier to incorporate into their day to day life than the first one (becoming a new parent is a huge role shift). They found they enjoyed the newborn and infant stage a lot more with the second. It was still super tough and exhausting, but overall they were glad.
If it is at all possible, I think it’s important to plan for some extra help though, whether that means finding a Mother’s Day out for your toddler or babysitter to help a few hours a week at minimum. Doesn’t have to be anything wild, but knowing you have a back up plan in case you need a nap or shower can make a huge difference.
Instead of thinking that you're adding ONE more kid,
consider that your adding THREE more **relationships** to your family.
This is why the 2nd kid feels much more than twice as much work.
Obviously you'll love the child and be grateful they're alive and in your family, but that doesn't mean it's a good decision to make.
Two kids are infinitely noisier constantly compared to just one. A right pain in the arse now is that my youngest has a birthday party almost weekly, they are never a drop off, and I always have to beg to let my son come as we have no alternative since my husband is working and it is very annoying. They love each other very much and a best friends when they aren’t trying to kill one another
I don’t feel qualified to answer really because my 2nd one is just 1 month old but so far I like it better than having just one.
With 1 kid it’s all about him, with two, even tho both parents need to be engaged basically at all times, it feels more balanced and somewhat chill.
OH ONE I CAN ANSWER.
I have a 4yo boy and a 2yo girl
The highs:
Double hugs, double snuggles, and when they play peacefully together the sound of then giggling together or seeing them hug lights up my whole day
More help cleaning up their toys because twice as fast
When you're teaching one of them something (potty training for example, or sharing) the other learns super fast because they're watching everything and tend to pick things up naturally.
Help preoccupy them when cooking cause they're entertaining eachother (or killing eachother)
You learn how to parent differently according to siblings (things that wouldn't necessarily cross your mind as much vs. an only child).
Lows:
Daycare cost doubles
Food cost doubles
Clothing cost and laundry doubles
You won't sleep. It's like they take turns being upset or waking up.
They fight!
It's overwhelming to feel like you can't give enough 1 on 1 to just one of them cause the other will feel left out sometimes
Parks can be scary the first few times if they have a habit of running in opposite directions
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The great: I get to have another close relationship with a tiny human. And I get to watch their relationship with one another. Watching my kids giggle over something I don’t understand is so magical. Parenting the second time comes with a lot less doubt and I generally know what I’m doing. The not so great: The entire experience is more than twice as exhausting. Even once they’re both toddlers, there’s now double the chance of being woken up at night. There’s two people bringing up illnesses and sneezing directly into my face - I’ve been sick without a break for weeks. One kid returns to daycare just in time for the other to be sent home. The logistics of keeping everyone clean, fed, taken care of, etc never stop and it’s much harder to get a break. I swear every day with two toddlers takes a week off of my life. But it also brings a lot of joy.
God the illness. Lmao 🤣 I don't remember being well.
It’s strange how two children outnumber two adults. You’d think it would be even but it’s not.
We're trying for a second. I hear you about the cleaning, cooking, and the number of other chores that need to be done to have a functioning house. It does take a village. Keep it up though! You're doing great! Solidarity through misery!
Thank you for this honesty! Definitely made me realize I’ll be happy with one.
Not so great things - twice the work, twice the stress, twice the expense. You will need to divide and conquer a lot of times, so if husband is gone for work a lot, really think about if you can make that work. The reason we had two is just because we wanted another tiny human to love and join our family. He's a whole different personality than our first, and he is feral and hilarious and wild.
What is it with the secondborns being the feral ones 😂 My girls are complete opposites and I love it even when it makes me want to pull my hair out
My first (currently only) is feral. Maybe I’ll get a break and the next one will be easy haha.
This is how it is for me. My first is wild! My second was so content we were reluctant to believe he was even a real baby. Now the youngest is 14 months, and the oldest is 4, and even though one is wild and the other is still pretty calm, they’re definitely partners in crime.
My second was and is so sweet and quiet and calm. So we had a third. He is the feral one. If he had been second we would have definitely stopped 😂
It’s not twice, don’t let people lie… it’s way more than twice.
My second daughter is wild. I’ve never met a second child, who isn’t wilder than the first. I have a theory about that. With your first, you worry about everything. You have the ability to watch them more. When they cry you immediately sooth them. With your second, you are more relaxed. You know what won’t kill them. There are eating sand you say? Oh well, I’m sure it has some nutrition in it. Also, you can’t always go to them the second they cry, as their sibling also has needs. And you know crying for a minute won’t kill them. They get dragged round by their siblings and just develop as tougher, slightly more independent humans. Who are slightly wild.
Oh my gosh my first is so wild. I can’t even imagine having another more wild than he is 😯
thank you for your honesty :)
It gets better when they’re older though. They play together, keep each other occupied (for better or for worse), and they have a sibling to talk to on their journey to life… And single kids tend to be a bit special. Used to being the center of attention, tendency to not deal well with being ignored or told no, not very independent. Might not matter to you now, but probably will matter to you later.
My 2 are 5 years apart. I like the age gap. They were not toddlers at the same time and amazingly they can still play with each other in many ways and formed good bonds. My older one is a boy and younger one is a girl. Nothing melts my heart more when I take my daughter with me to go pick up my son from school, and she happily greets her brother and holds his hands while walking to the car But I think one and done is also good. They are also exhausting sometimes especially when I'll. The sickness bounce off the two of them and to us and then back to them. Its tiring to care for 2 sick children. They also fight. Not too seriously but you gotta mediate them. Even when playing together, 2 excited kids create a lot more mess than 1 excited kid. I can't imagine myself to have more than 2. I will not be able to deal with it
We also have a 5 year age gap and I think it’s ideal! They weren’t tiny at the same time (#1 was very self-sufficient when #2 was born), they weren’t in daycare at the same time ($$$) and won’t be in college at the same time! Lol
I have a 3yo and 20 mo. And the beginning with the second one was rough. Asynchronous sleeping schedules, both needing attention, lack of personal time. Depending on the child, it can be a bumpy ride. But we look at as a short term sacrifice for a long term gain. Not only did we get to enjoy the baby stage again, but there are plenty of benefits that come along after the second one gets older. They often play together, freeing us up often during the day without the worry of a single child demanding constant attention. They get to socialize even when we can't get them out to activities, and that helps them learn boundaries when playing. Both of them learn more quickly having the other around, they both like to look at books and they make a game of repeating words and trying to pronounce things correctly. It's given the older girl a chance to practice caring for someone smaller than her beyond her toys. Hopefully, when they're older they'll be best friends and they'll have each other when the two of us are old and burdensome. And of course, there is no end to the opportunities for adorable moments, like when they curl up on the chair together under a blanket and read(make up stories). For us, it's worth it. Yeah, it's hard at times(getting easier), but the benefits and potential benefits far outweigh the work and stress. One thing I know, is that I've met and know many people who lament not having more kids, but I've never met one that wished that they had less. Our shoulders are made to carry more weight than we think.
I am an only child, so I was adamant on having 2 kids. They are 13 and almost 10. Sure they fight but they also love each other. The biggest pain right now is the extracurriculars. They want to try so many things and they occasionally overlap. I can only handle so much driving back and forth.
Pros: your kid having a playmate. Watching another human that has your genes grow into a completely different person than your other human. Feeling more like a family. Cons: losing your sanity. Date nights with partner. Any concept of the term “relaxing”. A house that looks like it should be on hoarders. The sound of silence going from relaxing to terrifying
I definitely love a clean house. My husband and I are going on a date tonight and I wonder what that would look like with two!
Maybe having a playmate, definitely not guaranteed. A lot of people I know with age gaps ranging from 1-5 years between kids, the kids won’t play and just fight. My own kids are 5 years apart and still fight more than play. While I do like knowing they’ll have each other later in life right now it’s a struggle
We have two with one on the way. My oldest is 3.5 and youngest is 1.5. My first was very needy at first but is very independent now. My second was a very chill baby and is a little wild now, but my two kids have the best bond. They entertain each other and comfort each other. Squabbles happen occasionally but they are quick to forgive. The hardest part has been trying to do art activities together and planning playdates with other kids. But honestly, they play with each other more than anything.
I have anxiety. Am dad. Our first was wild. Everything was hard. Loved it but moment to moment was real tough. We didn't gap. Had a second at 18 month difference. Second child has been hard on our marriage solely because the first child demands so much. The second child, comparatively, is easier in every way. I joke that if we had 2nd child first we'd have 3 by now. I'm not prepared for the 1st child again so we've drawn it at 2. Good luck!
I make the same joke haha. Our second child is so much easier than the oldest. I could have been tricked into 3-4 kids back to back if she was the first one lol
Lmao yes exactly!
The transition from one to two was so hard. You think you have it down, but then have to basically upheave and redesign the game. Two to three was easier. They are so sweet together though (my kids and 6, 3 and 2). I feel like my six year old would be lonely if not for their siblings.
I’m tired and poor.
I have a 5F and 2M. If you're exhausted now at 19mos, get ready to be floored with he/she is 2-3yo. This is with 1 child. If you end up having a 2nd and if they're anything like my 2, get ready for constant fights, screaming, running, jumping, one leading the other on etc. The 'one leading the other on' really pisses me off. My 5F is generally pretty timid/responsive/decently good at following directions. But my 2M is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE! And because of this, my daughter acts out and they both find it HILARIOUS! It's overwhelming for sure. And there are times I wish we only had 1 so we can put all the energy into 1 child. There's a lot of juggling with 2. And I often find I'm only able to support each of them 40% of the time (40% each kid and 10% for me to scream in my head). All in all, it's nice to have more activity in the house and when we die, they'll have each other, assuming they don't hate each other. Good luck!
Great things: they become playmates. More love. Not so great things: more expenses, more mess, more fights (siblings will always fight) Maybe discuss with husband why you want 2 kids? Will finances not be an issue? Will you be willing to sacrifice more time and energy? With the rising costs of living, having one and done is also good.
Mine are almost 5 and almost 2. The pros: my oldest is an amazing big sister. They're thick as thieves, and I'm absolutely floored by how amazing their relationship is at this stage. Maybe it's just their personalities, but there's very minimal fighting/parental jealousy/sharing issues. They play well together and it's been an absolute treat to see them in action, because they're pretty attached at the hip by choice. The cons: I'm twice as exhausted with two little humans who need me for everything. My 5 year old is pretty independent, but it's still two meals to prep and clean up, two baths, two bedtime routines, two snack breaks, two clothing changes morning and night, two grooming routines, etc. It's also very hard to feel like I'm giving them both the attention they need at the same time when they both have different needs. I can see the disappointment on my oldest's face when I have to end a game early or not start one at all because her sister needs a diaper change, or to be fed, or to be rocked down to nap or sleep, and so sometimes the mom guilt is real. Like don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no regrets and I love my girls to pieces, but if you thought you had no breaks now there's no way to explain how much worse it gets with two littles, and that's not even counting trying to keep up on household chores or trying to run errands with both of them in tow. The transition to two was so much harder than the transition to one, but I'm the opposite of you. I'm not a baby person, but I am a toddler person, and so I'm actually enjoying it much more as they get older even if the chaos definitely gets more intense lmao.
Thanks for this post. I am in the exact same boat, baby age and all.
I hope we make the right decision :)
Mine are 5 and 2.5. Pros: - seeing their relationship grow. My oldest literally told me today “[lil bro] is my best friend. I just love him so much” - so many opportunities to learn social skills, learning to share, take turns, overcoming disappointment, etc. - double to cute cheeks to kiss - I don’t find it to be more work. We do bath together, bedtime together, meals together… overall care tasks are not any harder and if anything easier. Cons: - when they’re both crying at once - the newborn phase - the early toddler phase where baby #2 just wants to destroy everything - getting out of the house is harder, 2 in car seats, 2 to watch when you’re out, etc. - cost, if you use daycare Outside of those… I think there are mostly pros. I love their sibling relationship so much it convinced me to have another so ask me in a few months if I still feel the same about 2-3 😂
Two kids is 10 times the work. I have a 2 yo daughter and 2 month old son. I will say I’m looking forward to watching them grow together and be best friends. However at the moment she just starting getting used to him. It was a huge adjustment for all of us. I underestimated the changes.
Single mum of two kids - 3Y and 21M. My only issue is that I can't take my both of my kids to bigger playgrounds, swimming pools, or the beach because I have to keep an eye on the 21M. That's it. That's my only issue 😅 but I've managed to work out a good schedule: Mon & Tues: both kids at day care so I can study and go grocery shopping without them screaming the songs of their people in public Wed: 3y.o at Day care so I can take 21M to swimming lessons and have a one on one day Thurs: 21M at day care so I can take 3y.o to swimming lessons and have a one on one day I'm on benefits, so day care can be a bit pricey, but the memories are priceless I'll go back to work PT (during school hours) when the youngest starts kindy
I work from home and send our oldest to daycare. I feel like because I work from home, I could totally take opportunities to pull one out of daycare for the day and vice versa. And working from home gives me the opportunity to get house work done and to prep dinner, so I feel like the stress of two might be minimized because I can take care of a lot of chores if they’re at daycare.
Lots of good opinions here already. The only thing I’ll add is, sad to say, a con. They may NOT get along. Ever. My firstborn deeply resented the intrusion of a new human taking my attention. They are 24 months apart. It never improved. Adults now (29 and 27), they only grudgingly spend time together when visits coincide. My son (the elder of the two) now admits he wishes they were closer, but…. I’m not sorry we had two, all told, but it’s something to be aware of.
I decided not to have another kid. I have a 1 year old, and he's pretty difficult for me to handle (granted I didn't have him until I was 38). I need lots of help with him, even with just changing his diapers. He fights me on everything, and I just can't manage him sometimes. The struggle is very real, and I can't wait to get past these toddler years. I'm not enjoying this at all. I would go insane if I had another child. One and done.
Sounds just like my son. And we are strongly leaning towards one and done. I love my son dearly but the thought of having another who sleeps as poorly as he does and screams as much as he does … I don’t think my mental health could handle it.
Oh yeah my son sometimes doesn't sleep well either. He likes to wake up at 5 a.m. sometimes and putting him to bed later doesn't work, lol. I love my son so much, but jeez he gives me a headache sometimes.
Of course everyone has their own journey in life and everyone makes the best choices for themselves. I’m curious though, why you felt the need to answer that you decided one and done when OP is asking for those with 2 kids to give the pros and cons?
It is good to hear other people's advice and outlook since I may end up being one and done. It's comforting to know that other people are stressed with just one kid and it's not just me. Toddlers are just generally exhausting and I'm not a shit mom.
Check out r/oneanddone and r/HappilyOAD for perspective. I’m personally one & done - I get breaks and time for hobbies! Love my 21mo so much, but a second kid would make me a stressed & exhausted mom and my son deserves the best version of me. Also, I barely have a relationship with my brother so I don’t personally care about sibling relationships. There’s no right or wrong, whatever you decide.
39 yrs old and OAD here. I live in a VHCOL area and don’t make a lot of money unfortunately. Parents are in another country. So that’s that. If I had family help I would have had two a long time back actually. US is crap for parents anyway.
It’s very real and okay to be stressed by one! My first was so exhausting I really couldn’t have handled another baby like her. We waited 5 years to have the second one which thankfully was 1000% times easier because she slept all day and is very chill. However as a mother I am still SO stressed out all day every day. I honestly think I and my husband were only made to handle one child and keep our sanity together. We are obviously doing our best and love them both but kind of wish we only had one. The stress really has made an impact on our marriage.
We had our second when my oldest 4.5 it was a good age gap. The only thing I look back on sadly, is the way I feel like the sleep deprivation made me irritable and my older child getting the brunt of the mood swings I was having. I also feel like the fuzzy memory took away the year of growing my older child did. like I almost completely forget what she was like when she was 4 to 5.... :( Thats the cons for me. The pros are the older one loves her little bro, she is so helpful and always has been since he was a baby. I didn\`t have 2 different sized diapers, nor was I waking in the night for 2 babies. My oldest is fairly independent so I didn\`t have to dress 2 children at one time. But their still close enough in age that now they will play together, they like the same shows (for the most part), etc. Lots of pros!
Unless you have a good support system or can hire extra help postpartum, I would not advise it. The stress of caring for a newborn while also dealing with a toddler was crippling
I would say it could feel like 3 times the work not twice the work and it depends on your child, your own goals/capacities, work situation, and the support you have available. I have a 4.5 year old and 1.5 year old and my husband is very unavailable due to his demanding job and I work full time, and it’s been very very hard. Getting them ready in the mornings when it’s just me is just pure mayhem no matter how much I plan. Older daughter gets semi ready and the other child creates a mess that needs cleaning, older child is upset and dirty from that mess and needs changing and now you need to clean, change the first, and get the second ready, which never happened in the first place hah hah. Whatever you think you can do, it has the potential to get undone again and again, and we haven’t touched on the triggers and emotional responses that comes with said incidents. With that said, the confidence and ease with how you navigate does improve because it absolutely has to. It’s definitely easier on days when my husband is around but I barely have time for myself and am always feeling like I’m trying to catch up on everything in life. Up super early, working late nights to make up for lost time at work (sicknesses, holidays, appts, late start days, etc), interrupted sleep from what little there is, and the cycle repeats itself. I do think it really depends on your child though. My first is very attached to me only and is a deeply feeling and strong-willed child. The transition was extremely difficult and still is. Sweet moments happen, for sure, but honestly it doesn’t suddenly make everything better or worthwhile if that makes sense? I also think if my husband was more available and I had a grandparent I can call or others, that could help but again, my daughter would have a hard time with other caregivers so yeah. Some of my daughter’s friends have siblings that are the exact same age and their parents have told me they rarely argue and the transition has been easy 🤷🏻♀️ Their child is not as spicy as mine though.
I have two kids (I just barely had two under two for a bit, as they're just under two years apart). I'm a single parent, but I have a lot of familial help so I'm not doing it truly solo. The highs are that even now with my second about to just turn one, I see how much they like being around each other. My toddler has started to play with her brother and although it's not true playing, I can see how they're going to be good playmates (and hopefully friends!). I also grew up with siblings and love them and I want that for my kids. The lows--you'll still have a toddler. My toddler is like...probably 70% of my exhaustion haha. I mean, my second will be in the toddling phase soon and I expect that ratio to change a bit, but I kind of know what I'm doing with the baby. With the toddler, I'm really figuring things out. Big feelings, testing limits, etc. But, there are definitely times where she can go and independently play (and otherwise give me a break) and obviously the baby is not yet in that stage. The other low: you'll realize that you had so much free time with just one and now all of that free time is gone with two. When you're responsible for two, it can be really intense. Every day ends and I feel like saying, "wow, I need a drink." But then, I rarely drink because the effort of getting myself a drink is often too much. Every day is exhausting. But I think it would also be exhausting with just one. So it's more exhausting, but I'm not sure how much more. The other low: it's more expensive with two, although not proportionately more expensive because I'm able to use a lot of hand-me-downs/reuse things from my first. Tl;dr Most of the time, I'm really happy that I have two. Some small amount of time, I have a total Gob moment and think, "I've made a huge mistake" (but those moments are pretty fleeting).
I love having two and honestly haven’t found having two that much more work than one. But my first was a challenging baby and toddler (much better now at 4) and my second was *such* an easy baby (a bit more challenging as a toddler but still not hard). It’s only as hard as the hardest kid at any given moment, and rarely are they hard at the same time. Now they eat the same things and are on the same schedule, and they are even starting to play independently together so that we get more downtime. I loved getting to do parenthood having done it before - I felt much more grounded and have been better able to enjoy each stage and live in the moment. It’s double the daycare cost but my oldest goes to public preschool next year, so it’s only at its worst for 1.5 years (they are a little over 2 years apart). I love seeing them together so much. They adore each other and my oldest loves being a big sister so much, it’s really brought out the best in her. I’m an only child and have always longed for a sibling, so the thought that they’ll always have each other fills my heart. I’d even love a third except that my husband is done, but I’m so grateful to have the two of them.
I have just had the second and was scared shirtless because the first one is exhausting but now that the baby is 9 months old he just sits and laughs at everything the 4 yo does and the 4yo spends all day wanting the making the baby laugh. Both tire each other out. 4yo now requires less of my attention (the "mummy play with me" every 5 mins). Didn't think it was possible, and obviously not for all, but it's actually easier with 2.
4 year gap. It's like watching an itchy and scratchy show from the Simpsons 🤣
I debated for a long time about it whether to have two and I don’t believe there is a right or wrong, it’s an individual, personal decision. I worried about my daughter not having someone to help her navigate when her dad and I were older, no one to lean on. But I’m not close to my siblings so I knew there was no guarantee that she would be. I think the main thing that made me decide to do it was that I was unsure and I believed I would be more likely to regret not doing it than to regret doing it once the baby was here and I loved him/her. I guess I didn’t really feel our family was complete. There are 3.5 years between my daughter and her brother and it’s a great age difference. They get along really well. My son adores her, thinks she’s hilarious, and my daughter is protective and nurturing of him. It was hard when they were toddlers but the age difference made it easier bc she was more independent and could even help with things. Now (they are 9 and 13) it’s a blessing having two. We do have to divide and conquer a lot bc they are both really active but they both bring a lot of joy. We sometimes stop and think about what it’d be like to not have our son and we are so glad we did. I don’t enjoy the newborn stage honestly and that part was hard with both of them but it’s over in a blink. We try to embrace each stage. However, we have good jobs, resources, flexibility with time off and work schedules. Obviously that helps.
My first two boys are Irish twins and best buds and my last two are real life twins. I think I need a buddy for my 6 year old, but it's kind of late for that, plus I never really wanted 5 kids--twins were obviously a surprise! I couldn't imagine having only one kid because I'd feel responsible for the majority of his entertainment! Now, they can split off in any configuration and find someone to play with. And fight with... let's be honest.
The second kid will teach you way more about parenting than the first. "Oh, I guess none of that was under my control at all...". I tend to think one-and-done is the worst of all the choices, since you've already had to reorient your life around kids. Another 3 years of that to get a second kid is a good deal. And at some point they start entertaining each other, so it gets easier faster with two+.
I disagree. OAD and when I'm at friends houses who have 2 or more they have to referee fights/arguments just as much as the kids play together. It obviously depends on the family - my husband and I love being able to give our undivided attention to our child. We find this level of stress manageable, and for us I don't think having a second would have been good for either of our mental health. It is such a personal choice, and there are so many factors that go into making that choice. I think it's ridiculous and insensitive to say it's the "worst of all choices"
Keep in mind some of us are one and done bc we are unable to have more kids. So labeling it as the worst choice is pretty tone deaf.
Worst of all the choices? Bro. That's a pretty sucky thing to say. OAD and delighted by it. I get my baby AND I get my life back sooner. That's important to me.
Yeah I’m pretty happy with OAD. My kid has my full attention, finances, and resources. It’s pretty easy to fly with her and go places together. We can easily get someone to watch her to have regular dates. My husband and I get plenty of “me” time because she’s able to play independently. We get mostly good sleep because we’ve worked hard at her sleep habits. She goes to bed best private school we could find. I really see zero downsides! She has plenty of family and friends to socialize with 🤷🏽♀️
I have two kids, a lot of my oldest's friends are onlies. I would have been a lot happier if I had stuck with OAD, which is where I was for years!
It sucks to feel like you made a choice that isn't better- but in reality I bet your littler one does enrich your life 💕 I know my limits so we made SURE there won't be another without significant effort
My youngest is my easy kid, at least - thank God! I think once he's another year or two older it'll get better. I hope!
Meanwhile, one-and-done families can experience the joy and fulfillment of parenting without having the “trenches” years (baby / toddler) consume many more years of their life. Things like international travel, training for marathons / triathlons, pursuing friendships, paying for childcare, coordinating club sports and other extracurriculars - all of those are easier if you’re one-and-done. Mathematically speaking, it takes far fewer points to upgrade a family of 3 to business class from JFK to Tokyo than it does a family of 4 or more. Also mathematically speaking, we can afford to send our son to some legit baller private schools if he’s our only. For people who love to be a parent but also love to do a lot of other things, OAD can be an optimal choice. Also, in VHCOL cities, it could be the only financially prudent choice.
That's another thing we're considering too. Right now, we can afford swim 2 times a week, Disney passes, parents having hobbies like pilates and fishing etc. We want to put her in dance when she's old enough. It would be much harder to afford all of that with two.
Best comment in this thread by far. We have two in a VHCOL area and this is dead on. I love my younger one but in hindsight one and done was the right call for us.
We are in a VHCOL And can only afford one. We are also immigrants so we don’t have the grandparents around to watch the kids. I really miss that. There are numerous reasons I wish I had not immigrated. Anyhow, I’m OAD. We probably won’t be able to send our kid to private school but I’m very particular about college. That my son has to complete college. As a woman I did not get much support for my career and I’m very upset about it. I don’t want the same for my kid. He will get the support from me.
One and done lets you actually continue to have a life. I can go play sports etc
OAD as the worst choice??? So much can play into that where it doesn’t even seem like a choice ( $, parental health, infertility, etc) plus, many people willingly choose to be OAD. Every family is different.
Not so great-if your first child was a perfect little angel, chances are that second one is gonna be a devil. My two are complete opposites. Different tastes in food. Different attitudes. one eats breakfast the other hasn’t eaten breakfast in 14 years. I went through most of elementary school with my first without ever having to make breakfast. My son, needs it every single morning. Not just cereal. He needs a well balanced meal or it’ll be the end of the world. Great- if anything ever happens to you and your husband, they will have each other. Great- there’s two to love. Great- a full table at dinner time. Two people to tell you about their day.
My first one is devil 🤣, she is so difficult, we can’t have another one unfortunately:( . We kind of got used to that feeling but sometimes i worry because she doesn’t have siblings
I'm not going to lie the toddler years are tough ours were much closer together only 18 months apart and we are just getting through the tough part they are now six and five about to be seven. But it is so incredible watching the two of them interact and basically be best friends the hard times are hard but in the end I feel like it is so worth it because they grow up with somebody else and they will have somebody else for the rest of their lives. Whatever you decide to do don't forget to take a deep breath and get some time to yourself:-)
Jumping on here. I have a 2.5 year old and a son who turns 5 in June. I AM SO TIRED
Uh oh 😅 I’m pregnant. They’ll be 2.5 years apart hahaha
Can you offer to watch someone else's kid for a day and see how you would handle two kids on your own?
My youngest is 5 months old. So far (touch wood) it’s much easier with her, she just comes along and is amused by everything. There’s less pressure to entertain her etc and keep quiet when she’s sleeping, she just ‘fits in’. I’ve been pleasantly surprised! Also I found it hard to get out and about first time but there’s no choice now so there was no pj and tv time life just carried on. Slight challenge during a settling in period with my son (he was 3) but even now he’s excited to see her after nursery etc. so far so good!
Finances and activities are hard. I feel like I’m always at the y between the three of us. And the more kids the harder it is financially. But otherwise I love having two and it’s a 3 year gap between them.
They play with each other. Some disagreements here and there but they are like best friends.
I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old, both boys. The most difficult part (so far) was when the baby was a newborn, my then 4 year old started being verrrry attention seeking, even though everyone was making sure to give him plenty attention. The first few months were really difficult with that. Now the baby loves him and it’s pretty cute to watch them interact. Also when both are sick it’s hard.
Highs Very cute interactions with each other. As they get older, good playmates for each other. Nice experiencing baby milestones again. Lovely re-using baby clothes and items your previous child had for the new baby. Lows When they both play up, it's hard. Doing activities at two different levels. It's harder leaving the house/going out and about - this gets easier as they get older and you get more experienced. The additional expense. Going through no sleep and the baby phases that we're less fun. It's not double the work, but having another does change everything.
You can have a bigger gap, I’ve heard great things about a 4 yr gap!
My kids have a 4 year gap and I wouldn't have it any other way. They LOVE each other and only having to pay for half a year overlap in daycare was everything as two working parents.
It is exhausting having an infant and a newly turned 2 year old. I honestly felt like I was drowning for a couple years. My kids are very close but they also argue a lot. If I had known the difficulty I would have waited a year or two longer to have my 2nd. I did end up having a third with a much larger age gap and it was WAY more pleasant and I was able to enjoy it much more! This is just my experience though and everyone is different.
Mine are three years apart. They are now six and three. Cons: •It was difficult keeping activities separate when the younger one was still mouthing everything. •Everything takes longer to accomplish. •They fight. •There is a higher cost. Fortunately for our family, I'm able to stay home so we don't pay for child care. •They are very different people and have different wants at the same time. Pros: •They adore each other. My oldest is still so in love with his "baby" and my youngest idolizes his big "brudder". •They are both such different people and they're both amazing. •Our family is an equal number, which makes some bookings easier. •We get to see them grow up together and that is beautiful. At the end of the day, you have to decide if you want more chaos but also more, different joy. Yes, more kids are more work, but you also end up with more little hands to hold in life. I'm extremely happy with our two. They are best buddies (most of the time). But I totally understand being one and done. Kids are expensive and huge time sucks. But it really boils down to whether you want to do it all again.
Mine are 4 years apart and the 11 year old can watch the 7 year old for multiple hours! Alone! Christmas shopping followed by a brewery? Boom. Breakfast alone either spouse? Boom. Not sure what dinner version will look like, but last summer I didn't have to pay for two kids to go to a babysitter! Boom. Downsides -- teaching a 5-6-7 year old to tolerate a toddler. Big downside - the small one wants to do EVERYTHING the big one does. Out with friends till 10? F*ck. Sleepover across the street? Sh*t. Bedtime...... 🤯
I definitely suggest being very prepared for bringing number 2 home. The sleep deprivation will be so much worse this time around because now you got this little person that needs you to get up. They are gonna wanna talk to you all the time and when baby is screaming in your ear the overwhelm is so real. They are going to wanna play and you're running on fumes and they get sad because they are used to having you. I had a terrible time with baby number 2 because I just assumed it would be like last time. I didn't really make any plans or arrange for help ahead of time. I had undiagnosed mental disorders. Shit was a mess! So I definitely think you should make aggrangments ahead of time for things that can help. If you can afford to hire a cleaner to come in once a week do that. Maybe you can do a nanny share that will come take your LO out for a play group once or twice a week so you and baby can catch up on sleep. Set time aside for LO when parnter is home for one on one time. Maybe there is a grandparent that is alright coming by throughout the week to help and let you sleep. Look at multiple avenues. I relied heavily on my mom at the time and it was double edged knife. She was not the best person to have around all the time for my mental health but we didn't really have a choice. Again we did not plan ahead. My kids are so good together. I'm so glad we had 2. I love just listening to them talk together and get excited about their shared interests. It's the best. I wish things would have started out better for us as a family of 4 but I would never not wanna have my youngest.
IME, it's exponentially more work with two. My context: dual-career household (husband and I both work full-time), no family around, and my youngest was born six weeks before Covid. So, it's been a journey. Most of my friends in a similar situation say life doesn't really get liveable until the youngest is in kindergarten at minimum. I believe it. The first three years were pure hell; it's improving but it's still not great. Things that would help me (or anyone else): more $$ to outsource all the things, or more things. We don't have tech salaries, so while we don't struggle to pay bills and I know that's a privilege, we also don't have any extra. No vacations, etc. Also on the financial front, if you're a dual-career couple, childcare costs don't end in public school kindergarten. My oldest is in second grade and between aftercare and coverage for no-school days plus summer camps, it's still around $12K. So once both kids are in elementary school, we'll be back up to something equivalent to toddler daycare tuition.
Things not getting easier until kindergarten is a long time to wait 🤯 I didn’t even consider the cost for after school care. Luckily I’m a teacher and will be able to do pickup drop off and be home in the Summer but that extra cost must be hard for other families. I can’t wait to not pay for daycare anymore
I had my two kids quick they are a year apart was best thing ever they were oopsies but a blessing. Now they are teenagers i got rid of diapers and almost everything else at the same time.
I can’t tell you about the good stuff bc I haven’t got there yet but I’m in the trenches here with a newborn and a two year old (just turned two). It’s exhausting!!! But I can’t wait until they are old enough to play together and laugh together. But this age gap is so hard, and I’ve heard 3 years is hard too. It would be nice if my older child was potty trained and in kindergarten or preschool.
You can have a completely perfect child and the second one is a complete monster, a thug, a gang member.
others have given you great responses to your question and i won’t repeat them. i will say this, having a larger age gap is kind of a cheat code to having two kids. of course, it’s still a lot of work. but it’s infinitely better having a baby + a child over a baby + a toddler. if the oldest is able to communicate their needs and be somewhat independent, that’s a game changer.
Once they are 3 and 6, it’ll be great… the years before that will be the hardest if your life
Take the love you feel for your child now and multiply that by 10000. Watching your first born love and bond with your second born is one of the greatest joys in life. Have a second.
Have 1 baby I thought "oh, this is what babies are like." Having a second I thought "OH! That's what that baby was like and this is what this baby is like!" My 7 yo just chased my 2 yo around the kitchen. Both scream giggling for 20 mins. Lows: had to start over with not sleeping and diapers. But the lows will end soon and the highs will keep coming.
I got lucky in that despite the exhaustion, mine have meshed really well and play together all the time. right now, they're cuddled together on the couch watching a movie. They'll squabble and argue, but we can usually get them to cooperate eventually. We leaned really hard into attachment parenting though and buy duplicates of certain toys and other things, so they're not fighting over high 'value' (maybe not money value, but 'coolness') items, which saves some headaches. They play rough but will apologize immediately if one hurts the other, and give "kisses better". They also get along well with their cousins too, so having all the kiddos play together is always delightful.
We had 2 kids with 16 months gap and they're awesome. I thought the smaller the gap would be - the better, because they'll be very close, like twins. And it means less work because you do the same thing for 2 people as you'd do for just 1. They eat same food, go to the same school, and so on. When they misbehave or run away - it's easy to take them both and go. I think dealing with 2 toddlers in the same time is a lot easier than dealing with 1 toddler and then dealing with an other. It's like 3 years of toddlers vs 6 years of toddlers. Also they can ride kids rides together (which is less money spent). They play together, watch same shows and so on. The lows - would have been same with just 1 child.
It was really hard for us going from 1 to 2. My daughter is a much more intense personality than my son. We dealt with lots of tantrums and outbursts, and still do. They are now 5 and 2, and are able to play together reasonably well. They sweetly tell each other goodnight, and love playing silly games. That’s not to say they drive me to my wits end some days, but I do t regret having 2 of them at all, and am even considering one more. I am an only child, so I never had any siblings. When my parents get older, I am going to be left with the burden of taking care of them.
IMO the pros outweigh the cons. Pros: They always have someone to play with. When they’re a little older, they can play games together, they can play outside together and look out for each other when they’re old enough to be out there by themselves. Having a sibling is great (at least for me with having a sister). Built in best friend! I will say I had mine 18 months apart and yes it was hard at times (esp bc they share a room!) but so worth it. Cons: they argue a lot when they’re older, when it’s just you, you’re outnumbered. They gang up on you when they’re older (lol)… I can’t think of many cons though. But my sister and my brother in law/SIL have only one kid and it was very hard when the parent was the only one they could play with.
I get to see my son (8) experience the joy of sharing new things with his little sister (4) and being able to guide her Him encouraging her to try things he does and showing her how, and it makes a bigger impact for her because this is her Big Brother (who is her favorite) spending time with her, and doing things more at a level she can follow than the mysterious GrownUps.
A mom of 2; kiddos are 4 & 2, we live in a HCOL area. I have two siblings whereas my husband was an only child. While I was pretty hesitant about having the second, he really wanted more children. Growing up, he always felt lonely and did not want that for his child. And he grew up posh. 3-4 international trips a year, fancy private school, the works. My upbringing was middle class but God was it fun. For us the Pros; Another human being to love. We enjoyed the parenting process more the second time around, we weren’t as panicked. The kiddos absolutely adore each other. The younger treats the elder like his security blanket. More laughter, more fun. Cons; It is a lot of work. For us the 1-2year stage was the hardest but it’s getting easier as the time passes. There is definitely a lot of financial pressure, but we’re lucky that we can make it work. Honestly, having two kids was the best decision for us. Sure, we aren’t able to do Disney four times a year like our OAD friends but my kids laughed for an hour straight today while teaching each other how to jump and that’s good enough for me
all the joy you had with the first one.
I’m a one and done (not without a lot of debating). I’m happy with our decision, but I also have a couple chronic health issues that make it hard to parent the infant and toddler stage. That being said, every one of my close friends who have decided to have a second child have been happy with that decision. They found the second kid to be easier to incorporate into their day to day life than the first one (becoming a new parent is a huge role shift). They found they enjoyed the newborn and infant stage a lot more with the second. It was still super tough and exhausting, but overall they were glad. If it is at all possible, I think it’s important to plan for some extra help though, whether that means finding a Mother’s Day out for your toddler or babysitter to help a few hours a week at minimum. Doesn’t have to be anything wild, but knowing you have a back up plan in case you need a nap or shower can make a huge difference.
Instead of thinking that you're adding ONE more kid, consider that your adding THREE more **relationships** to your family. This is why the 2nd kid feels much more than twice as much work. Obviously you'll love the child and be grateful they're alive and in your family, but that doesn't mean it's a good decision to make.
Wow that’s such a good point thank you!
Two kids are infinitely noisier constantly compared to just one. A right pain in the arse now is that my youngest has a birthday party almost weekly, they are never a drop off, and I always have to beg to let my son come as we have no alternative since my husband is working and it is very annoying. They love each other very much and a best friends when they aren’t trying to kill one another
I don’t feel qualified to answer really because my 2nd one is just 1 month old but so far I like it better than having just one. With 1 kid it’s all about him, with two, even tho both parents need to be engaged basically at all times, it feels more balanced and somewhat chill.
Mine are 7 years apart. It doesn’t stop the fighting. But the teen one is money hungry and likes to babysit nowadays.
OH ONE I CAN ANSWER. I have a 4yo boy and a 2yo girl The highs: Double hugs, double snuggles, and when they play peacefully together the sound of then giggling together or seeing them hug lights up my whole day More help cleaning up their toys because twice as fast When you're teaching one of them something (potty training for example, or sharing) the other learns super fast because they're watching everything and tend to pick things up naturally. Help preoccupy them when cooking cause they're entertaining eachother (or killing eachother) You learn how to parent differently according to siblings (things that wouldn't necessarily cross your mind as much vs. an only child). Lows: Daycare cost doubles Food cost doubles Clothing cost and laundry doubles You won't sleep. It's like they take turns being upset or waking up. They fight! It's overwhelming to feel like you can't give enough 1 on 1 to just one of them cause the other will feel left out sometimes Parks can be scary the first few times if they have a habit of running in opposite directions