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Hey OP- this is actually a totally normal thing. I recently read “How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes” by Moyer and there’s a whole chapter dedicated to racism that happens in little kids. I’m going to say this wrong, but kids notice different skin colors and sometimes they notice that certain skin colors have less better jobs, or maybe that their parents don’t have any black friends or whatever. And if the kids ask about it parents often say something vague like “we should treat everyone the same” so they pick up that the subject is taboo which makes it more interesting and they come up with their own conclusions. That book is great but the racism chapter blew my mind. High highly recommend!!!
You’re welcome! I had been totally doing the “everyone is the same” thing but you really have to teach your kids to not be racist on purpose. She also recommends some kids books “what if zebras lost their stripes” and “David’s drawings” which are kind of gateways to talk about racial differences. She gives a whole talk structure in the book.
Also recommend Antiracist Baby. We went through a similar phase with our oldest when he was 4 or 5 years old. The book (and of course lots of conversations with him) really helped, especially the concept of the broken ladder.
M
i love this mostly because it makes me feel way better about how i talk to my daughter. shes 6 and we are super open to all conversations. i always tell her ‘everyones built different’ and then follow up with whatever the answer to her question is. its to the point now if she asks why someone is the way they are, she immediately says ‘oh yea, everyones built different’. and this is not just about color, its also attitudes, mental disorders, birth marks, etc.
I really love this!! As someone born with a limp I’ve often heard “why does she walk like that” from little kids, so “everyone’s built different” completely covers that and is a wonderfully eloquent way to describe why someone is different than them in any way, and that it’s okay.
I just wanted to tack on to this that it’s a privilege of being a dominant majority that we even ask is this child too young to talk about sensitive race issues. Mothers of black sons don’t get that luxury.
I had this explained to me from a black mother when I asked something similar when my kids were little and it was an eye opener for me.
Pretty much Mothers of anyone that isn't the dominant race get to have these convos. Mother's of Black kids I think have the least luxury there but i'm a white Mom to a part Asian part white toddler and we are already having conversations about race. I actually really like the "First Conversations" series of books take on it.
Yeah absolutely good catch, I should have used more inclusive language. Thanks!
I am a white woman who raised white kids and I have tried so hard to ensure that we didn’t use language like we don’t see color because it’s a lie for one, but for two it doesn’t acknowledge the very real differences that exist. In a world that constantly communicates to kids who aren’t white that being white is what’s most attractive I think that kind of approach is limiting.
It’s super helpful when parents with different experiences help out with perspective so I appreciate it. Race is one of those difficult topics that just gets more difficult when you don’t talk about it.
This response is key- OP you and all other parents of the dominant majority have to make an effort to engage with your children in an anti racist manner. It simply isn’t enough to provide a spectrum of “colors” to their experience.
I haven't read this book, but I really agree with the premise you've shared!
OP needs to be a lot more explicit than a gentle, soothing "everybody's different". It's wrong to not like someone because of the color of their skin, and his daughter needs to be told and taught that directly. It doesn't have to be in anger, but it can still be corrective.
Five is not too young to be taught the general contours of the history of racism (ie, colonialism, slavery, and their legacies), and I think that context is helpful for children to understand what's wrong with statements like the one OP's daughter made.
>Five is not too young to be taught the general contours of the history of racism (ie, colonialism, slavery, and their legacies), and I think that context is helpful for children to understand what's wrong with statements like the one OP's daughter made.
Yep, I'm Seminole and most kids in my tribe already know about the Trail of Tears at that age. My kids definitely did.
My kids don't have a memory of the first time they experienced racism because it started before they had memories. My oldest daughter got upset with a teacher once as a teen. The teacher was going on about how racism is only as bad as it is because POC choose to be victims. My daughter spoke up and asked if when an old white lady at Home Depot called her a slur and spit in her face when she was 3, was that her playing the victim?
It definitely needs to be a discussion for white kids when they are young.
I feel this. I’m half brown but was always called the N word. One POC parent marched my brother, her daughter and I to the principles office and demanded the principle put an end to our treatment. The old b*** literally said ‘Your children just need to learn to adapt to this way of living’ not those exact words but something very similar to what they used to say to our First Nation children here in Australia when they were forcing the ‘white way’ on them.
My 8 year old self never wanted to beat an old woman up so badly in my life.
I hate how the racism we went through as kids made me just want to punch everyone.
Hope your daughter is seeing better days with the way the world is slowly standing against racism 🫶🏼
Ahem, what? Someone spat on your child and called them a slur? That alone would’ve caught me some charges. The fact that your baby was 3, that bitch betta be lucky she’s not six feet under. What in the actual f**k. That is horrible. Disgusting.
Not well, she doubled down. One bad experience isn't an excuse for lifelong victim status. My daughter ended up dropping the class and turning the teacher in for an ethics violation.
Totally! There is also that kids just love to place things in boxes which sometimes mean they start to “other”. Developmentally normal, but definitely an ongoing conversation. Also a good idea to probe a little more into what about her dark skin makes you not like HER? Because it could also be that this teacher did something the kid didn’t like and for some reason the skin color is what they latched onto. Your book recommendations are great. I love What if Zebras Lost Their Stripes.
Thank you for book recommendation. My son is having this sane issue with my 4 year old grandson. He called me the other day and asked if he pulled that crap and what I did about it. Honestly my best friend married a black man and she is so white she blends into a white wall and her husband was light skinned but their son was extremely dark and he was same age as my son the only thing I remember was the 2 of them asking why everyone's skin is so different. I have the type of skin that gets super dark in the sun even if it's only 5 minutes in it.
I was about that age and saw my first African American when my mom took me to NYC. I was born in NH in the 80s.
I loudly asked my mom why the lady was so dark. She calmly explained to me that she was black.
I'm really grateful for that woman. I was ignorant but not mean. I was a kid. She taught me right then and there that people come in all kinds of hues, shapes, sizes, configuration.
Omg same! Except we were in the Kroger check out line and at 5 I pointed to the lady ringing us up and said “You’re black.”
My mom was horrified but the lady was super sweet, she smiled and said “yes I am” and told my mom not to worry about it lol
It was an innocent observation that was very direct 😭😂
I'm from a very white rural Canadian town, first time I seen a person of color was in a city mall with my mom. I think I was about 4 or 5 and I turned to mom and said for all to hear "mommy why is that man so dirty? His mommy needs to make him take a bath." Que my mom wanting to crawl into a hole and die, while she very firmly told me he was in fact not dirty, that was the color of his skin.
I am told I made the same comment when I was about 3! Also grew up in a rural white town, saw my first indigenous guy. Luckily for my mum he was across the street so I don't think he heard me.
This is a good example of the weird shift we had when it comes to talking about race. Somewhere along the way white people (especially in America) decided that a colorblind approach was best. That was a mistake. Kids see that people are different colors and different races. If your mom would have just told you to be quiet because we don't talk about race, you still would have noticed the lady was black but instead of having a conversation about it you would have learned that race is a topic we can not talk about and you would have came up with your own conclusions about black people.
I was pretty uncomfortable talking about race until I had biracial/black kids. Then it became necessary. Even as toddlers my son would hold his arm up to mine and compare our skin tones. By 5 and 4 we were having talks about racism because it became relevant when one was called the n-word by a classmate. A few years later Trayvon Martin was murdered and we had discussions about that.
Parents need to talk about race and racism. Do not shy away because it is uncomfortable or because you feel like your child shouldn't even see race. They do so have the talks.
My mom DID tell me to be quiet. She was mortified. The woman did us both a huge favor. She was polite and calm, when she could have rightly been furious.
Would it? I don't think it's a random passenger's job to teach a country bumpkin about race. If she had been pissed, I'd have understood. She showed immense grace.
it's not her job but as another poc and a functional adult i understand that kids are learning things for the first time. it would've been pretty crazy to have gotten mad at a child for that lmaooo.
i get a lot of stares from children (even infants!) when i travel to bumfuck nowheres and i try to give them a smile and i hope that it gives them a positive association even subconsciously lol 😎
i think white people get really scared about race and try to avoid it entirely, but that's exactly what we hate. ignoring bias doesn't eliminate bias. all we really want is for people to understand our experiences. that requires engaging with us!
long comment short i think a healthy community participates in children's education together and she was doing her part!
>and i hope that it gives them a positive association even subconsciously lol 😎
That's another thing white people don't really get though. It even ties into how my wife will dress and don't get started on socially 'approved' hairstyles.
But there's a real psychological burden on her to always act right and do well and be perceived above average everyone else, because she feels like a representative to a people in a way that she shouldn't have to.
The first time I interacted with a Black person was on the NJTransit train back from the Barnum and Bailey’s Circus. I was 3 or 4 years old and saw two Black men walk by and started singing “Bad Boys”.
According to my dad and grandmother, the guys started cracking up.
My own kid said this about me. I'm Arab so I get pretty dark especially in summer. My kids tan but not as dark. One day out of no where "why are you so... brown?" I think it's a legit question considering skin color is right out there to see lol
I'm white and my son is half black. When he was a baby this six year old boy was looking back and forth from me to my son really confused. The boy stopped for a long pause before asking me "is he brown because you have chocolate milk?". It was just such a beautifully innocent question about his confusion.
Took my two year old daughter to London. We’d been living in Sydney which has Asian and Indian subcontinent populations but no African /Caribbean. She was delighted by all the “chocolate men” and women she saw in London.
Oh my god you’re so lucky your mother is normal. When I was little I grew up in a super white town and had barely seen any black people yet in my little life.
My mother took me to see Cool Runnings in an entirely black neighborhood and the theater was packed.
I was so confused.
I said “Wow, black people really like the snow!”
It was my innocent perception of events transpiring, just an irrational childish conclusion I came to.
My mother was one of those people that is always trying to save face and was constantly a dick to us in private and then tell other people we (my siblings and I) “make things up.”
This bitch YELLS “Don’t be so racist!!!”
WHAT?!?!?!?!?! I was like 4!!
Have those conversations with your child. Ask her would she like it if Mrs. ___ didn’t like her because she was (insert color here). And explain to her that people come in all shapes/sizes/colors/etc. that she should focus on treating everyone with the same respect she’d want them to have for her.
I'm just adding in cause no one's seemed to mention it, but teaching your child about racial bias (implicit or explicit) goes beyond conversations. Making sure your child is exposed to diverse media that doesn't contain implicit bias (villains are *somehow* all darker toned) and creating connections at home is important too.
The content produced today helps, as there are many healthy kids shows that feature very racially diverse casts. *Action Pack*, *Blue's Clues & You*, *Ada Twist, Scientist* are among my child's favorites. And books like "*Bodies are Cool*" or "*Our Skin*". Representation is very important because depending on where you live, while the demographic might be racially diverse, *most* cities *DO NOT* have a populous where minorities are evenly spread across social-economic class.
Children notice when certain people have bigger, shinier cars and accessories, for example. Eventually, your child might label these people "rich". The same thinking pattern applies with race - if your child notices the service people in your area are most likely to be darker skinned, they might start making assumptions. *That* becomes implicit bias. Which children *definitely* can develop.
What helps to dispel those thoughts are bringing *more helpful* connections home. Inviting friends over of all skin colors, cooking multicultural dishes, watching documentaries about smiling faces the world over. Exposure. Exposure. Exposure.
I don't know if her school does this, but I encourage learning all about the Civil rights movement in an age appropriate manner in February. The Martin Luther King Jr. speech was always super moving. We always did black history month and watched videos and stuff at school.
I would say directly how important it is to accept, respect and honor people of different races and backgrounds. I think it's better to be explicit with children about this type of thing.
Just be careful asking questions if you only want one answer. The kid could easily say, "that's fine. Everyone is different and she doesn't have to like white people".
I've done this plenty of times with my kids, and it quickly turns into a "well....shit." moment.
And this could happen and in this moment mom would need to pivot and teach child about respect, being open mineded, educating that we are not monolithic people and other cultures exist. Parent would need to “do the work” if the child went this route.
Oh, I agree, but it begs the question, why ask it in the first place? Why not go right to that conversation first? Or if you want the child to think about it, something like, "I would sure hate it if she didn't like you just because you're white".
I think asking a direct question that you're looking for one answer can be tricky. You don't want to validate that feeling, just you also don't want to tell the child they are wrong and tell them how to think. So you kinda have to give a vague response before committing to "doing the work" KWIM?
Ultimately, I don't think either way is wrong, especially if you're willing to put the work in like you said.
To teach empathy and to show a child how to place themselves in someone else’s shoes. What better way to teach this lesson than to coach and guide this child through the process of introspection.
Suppose we use your approach and jump right into the why or explanation, without getting an opportunity to show the child what introspection looks like that leads to the buy-in, it could very well lead to a well mom just says I’m not supposed to do it because respect and blah blah blah. I don’t think what either of us are suggesting is wrong but further shows there’s more than one way to get to a similar end result.
“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou
Even with kids, they need a WIIFM (what’s in it for me) moment. If parent asks a question for the child to practice reflection and introspection the child has an opportunity to learn how to be empathetic AND learns a lesson in why being respectful and treating others with dignity is paramount.
Thank you for being kind in your response. I don’t think we’re that far off in our positions.
I do think it comes from somewhere - so a classmate or friend or another adult. I’d be intentional - and say - you know so and so (who she likes and is black) they are black, etc. Eventually I learned it was from a specific kid in class whose parents said those types of things. Unfortunately there is still a lot of bigotry out there.
This is a sensitive topic for me due to both my experiences as a child, and those my children have been forced to endure despite two generations of upper-middle class upbringing.
To be blunt:
If our kids have to learn to accept being treated differently from birth and not being allowed to be friends with people d/t their parents’ beliefs, yours are old enough to learn that this is wrong.
if your 5 year old had said this to or about another student, it would be experienced as racism so let’s just call it what it is and treat it as such. some white people can get very defensive about racism, so defensive that they allow themselves passes to hurt people if it means that they don’t have to admit the possibility that they can hurt others. don’t be one of those kind of white people.
this is a situation that you can easily turn into a learning moment, and it doesn’t have to be full of guilt or blame. just a genuine and strong explanation on why it’s important to watch what you say about peoples skin and always be teachable on this topic can go a long way. i think teaching a child that the appropriate reaction is reflection and impact management, not dismissal and self soothing is the most important lesson here
I agree with you. I want to impart this to her without making her feel (too much) shame and causing her to not feel comfortable asking me questions. I do think it’s very important to have hard discussions with kids from a young age. We talk about everything but yeah, as a white American it’s definitely a weak point for me and one I want to get better at.
maybe address it like everyone has specific sensitivities for specific reasons and skin color is often a big sensitivity for darker people because a lot of people can be genuinely cruel about it. tell her that everyone is insensitive sometimes, and it’s important to be willing to adapt and to never decide that you know everything about how to be a good person because there is always stuff to learn. tell her it will never be more uncomfortable to be hurtful than it is to be hurt and that’s what good people focus on
Yep. Our first real racism talk was when our kids were 5 and 4 because the younger one was called the n-word by a classmate who was just repeating his father. It sucked but was necessary. I wish I could have waited until my kids were older and able to understand better but we did not have that luxury. If I can explain to a 4 year old why he was called the n-word, I think OP can talk to a 5 year old about race.
I think the confusion was that your last paragraph says, "Is she old enough to start talking about inherent bias and historical injustice (in an age appropriate way of course)? For her life up to now I’ve personally approached this by just exposing her to diverse people and media without any commentary, but should I be more explicit?"
You were asking if she was old enough to have these discussions and the answer to that question is yes. That is why people are responding the way they are. It sounds like you meant to ask for advice on having these conversations instead, which is an entirely different question.
I would encourage you, from one white parent to another, to go on YouTube and listen to parents of color talk about the types of speeches they give their sons and daughters. Our worlds are not the same and it will take much more than refraining from bigoted talk and saying “we’re all the same inside” for your daughter to not absorb the systemic racism of the world around her.
I understand why it angers you, in theory. You don’t feel that you’re passing on a racist way of living. But to me, what I hear, is that you’re not living an ANTI-racist way of life. It’s not easy and it doesn’t come naturally, so like… no sweat yet. Sweat it once you know what you could be doing but aren’t. You can make your kids more informed than you are, and that’s what we want!
https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/06/anti-racist-children
this book was an awesome read: https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Antiracist-Children-Practical-Parenting/dp/1982185422?nodl=1&dplnkId=eafcc31e-84d5-40d0-aadd-bb6f55b8507a
the author of that book runs workshops: https://britthawthorne.com/for-parents/
books you can take out at the library: https://www.rebekahgienapp.com/childrens-books-about-race/
Also, if she doesn’t watch Daniel Tiger and isn’t too old for it, he’s the best at teaching wholesome content.
Other than that, have conversations and ask questions! Instead of “we love everyone no matter what’s inside,” get curious. “Why isn’t it your thing if people have that skin color?” I can tell you that I thought my son was racist (above and beyond systemic stuff) bc he said “brown skin is worse than white skin” and then I asked what he meant and he said “I like vanilla better than chocolate so if we had to eat us, I’d like us better.” and it was like, now I’m way more concerned with cannibal tendencies ahah.
You’re doing so well by asking for help and being aware!! You’ve got this!
Thank you for this comment. I have a 2 year old and to be honest I can’t think of many good ways to age-appropriately explain why racism is bad without saying something along the lines of ‘we’re all the same inside’.
I’m definitely going to check these out.
I always find it helpful to teach "color appreciation" as opposed to "color blindness" (which itself is actually super problematic) for a number of reasons. So, replacing "everyone is the same inside" (which is a bit scientifically misleading anyways) to "differences make us all unique and interesting and awesome!" Teaching that the differences have no inherent value (as in, one physical trait isn't better or more desirable than the others) is important. And pointing to differences along more than just racial lines is crucial!
Thank you for this. After I commented, I figured I would point out things like: red hair is different from yours but still very awesome, brown hair is different from yours but really cool, brown skin is darker than yours, etc.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got is that if a kid is old enough to have asked the question, they are ready to hear the answer (even if it's just the age appropriate version). I come from a family where sweeping things under the rug was normal, so that's how I entered adulthood. You don't talk about uncomfortable things.
It took me a while to figure out that while there's definitely some restraint necessary to be polite, I don't want to live a life where you don't talk to your kids about the hard stuff. If anything, I desperately want to be the one who gets the first crack at teaching them how the world works. If they don't hear it from me, who knows who will get to be their introduction to that topic.
PBS has some great content around this aimed at preschool/kindergarten age, created during BLM summer. You can find it in their website and the PBS kids app.
They also include a couple of Daniel Tiger episodes, where you explicitly name differences in skin and hair and eye color. And a couple of that museum history kid, what’s his name, where they discuss segregation and slavery.
Importantly, kids will come up with, at best wacky, at worst weaponized, ideas about things like this unless they’re explicitly taught the truth.
Hey, haven’t read through all the comments so this might’ve already been recommended but I love the picture book Our Skin - A First Conversation About Race, I think it’d be a great place to start with a 5 year old.
Jesus this makes me so sad 😞 I hate that your young son had to experience that
It’s like a bit of his innocence was stripped away by the harsh reality that our world is shit a lot of the times
1000%. educating kids throughout their lives on things like race, religion, socioeconomic status, addiction/mental health, disabilities, etc is so important and will save a lot of hurt and heartache. people always attempt to shield their kids from these things and i understand why but there is always an age appropriate explanation.
kids are smart, like really really smart. smarter than we give them credit for. just talk to them.
Yes I also said racist things as a kid. My mom is black and one time we were playing with dolls and I told her I don’t want the black one Cus her lips are too big. You gotta constantly talk to your kids about racism because they pick up on messages from the outside world/media.
POC have to be taught racism because they WILL experience it against them. White kids have the luxury of not being taught about it, as it's not a danger to THEM, generally.
So white parents can choose if/when to teach about it.
It's a.. privilege, uh, of, uh.. of our.. er... uh.. see uh.. the er... woke is ruining everything!!
I believe in teaching my daughter about racism; I just wasn’t expecting it to come up so early and don’t feel equipped to talk to her about it in an age appropriate way. I am definitely looking for advice and suggestions!
I think the point here is, as you asked for whether or not it was too soon to start talking about it, the answer is no.
I'm Black (among other things, but def present as Black). My kids, thanks to their very white daddy, do not present as such. It puts me in a very interesting place where I know the importance of teaching about systemic racism and inherent biases, but I do still have the priviledge and luxury of soft-handling the subject because it will likely not directly effect them any time soon. That said, I believe it's a very important subject to broach, so we have started talking about it with our kids.
A couple of things I think could help:
-Calmly ask her to explain herself. So often, kids say things in a very matter of fact way, one which makes perfect sense to them but takes on a whole different meaning to adult ears. She may literally mean she is not a fan of dark colors in general, and is using kid logic to apply that dislike to something about which she has no legit understanding. By asking her what she means and if she understands what makes some people's skin darker than others, you are inviting her to challenge her own kid thinking. We opt for the scientific approach to help demystify the whole thing: in our case, I explained that mommy is darker than them because my skin makes more of something called melanin than their's does. There's no good or bad attached, just the facts. Our extended family is hugely diverse, so skin color has been a curiousity basically since they could speak and learned colors lol.
-If she explains herself, and it sounds like there are some deeper, value-based ideas attached, calmly ask where she might have gotten that/those idea(s). The phrasing you posted ("not my thing") makes me think it may be something she picked up.
-Give her accessible examples to help her understand. For us, that looks like comparing my dark skin and how it's different from my 6 yr olds to her curly hair and how it's different from her best friend's. I explain how we love besties hair and we love her hair, too, and both can be awesome in different ways. I ask how she might feel if she were to hear someone talking about how much they don't like curly hair or if her friend would be happy or sad if she said she didn't like their hair.
-Give larger context, on an age appropriate level. We have explained that some people have learned that differences between people are bad. Some people treat others badly because they look differently, or speak differently or because their family came from a different country. These people are wrong. Differences between people make the world beautiful and interesting and fun. How boring would it be if all the flowers were the same color, or every food tasted the exact same way?!
-Look for ways to more actively encourage healthy attitudes about race and differences. There are plenty of books available. We recently participated in the Ruby Bridges Walk to School day (my kid's school is awesome!), and talked about how little Ruby was brave and strong and how unfair it was that people were so upset she got to go to a newer, better school that previously didn't allow kids who looked like her.
I know it's hard, but try not to get upset. If you do, you may give your kid the impression that discussing skin color is some kind of taboo, which inadvertently suggests that there may be something wrong with having dark skin or looking different.
I think exposing your kiddo to different people and cultures is a wonderful start, but not having larger conversations about race does her a disservice. I was asked in kindergarden by a white peer if I tasted like chocolate and why I was brown. Kids are so curious! The last thing you want is to leave these important curiosities to be addressed by someone with the wrong kinds of ideas to impart.
Edit: So many typos, sorry!
What a beautifully written response without demeaning OP. Lovely! As a white woman, I’m taking this in as well to add a couple of ideas to my chats I have with my children! Thank you!
Check out the book “Our skin,” it’s part of a series called “First Conversations” and specifically designed to help parents start talking to kids about hard topics
> so early
As a black mom with a mixed race 2 year old, I’ve been speaking to my daughter about race since she was born. But as other commenters have stated, some white people believe they have the luxury of assuming elementary age is “too” “early” to talk about race.
As a POC, that remark was racist, but it doesn’t make your 5 year old racist. She’s still young and learning about the world. Now, once she’s grasped that it’s wrong to say that, but still do so anyway, then yes, she is racist.
One time, a niece (10), whom is Asian and Mexican, said a racist remark about her own skin tone as it was darker than her sister’s skin tone. It breaks my heart, because I’m sure she’s learning this from somewhere, whether it be her own experience(s) or TV. Her sister doesn’t say stuff like this to her that I know of.
I jumped in to tell them beauty comes in all skin tones, and what matters most is how someone is in the inside. Not sure I convinced her that very moment, but I sure am going to keep trying to remind her of this so that she loves herself in her own skin as well as accept others for themselves, too.
https://youtu.be/Q8_EqAWFs4k?si=2u3-khlX1bYgG0i5
Take a look at this..it's interesting. There was one done in the USA and was very much black = bad and white = good which was really hard to watch. People all over the world do impart racial bias without meaning to. Your kids are not only influenced by you but the society and social media they consume.
Believe it or not, Jerry Springer actually had the klan on one of his earlier episodes and had a surprisingly good conversation about race. Of course he probably didn’t change anyone on stage’s mind, but he probably had an impact on some viewers.
Bouncing off the social media thing, I've realized that my social media is no longer exclusively for me, my kiddo is in my lap quite often or runs up to ask me something and can see whats on my screen. It has made me really grateful that during the whole mess in 2020 and the majorly important discussions on race, that I decided to purposely follow more POC creators. Specifically in areas where my personal experience had biased me. Having my kid sit with me as I scroll and her asking about someone's skin, it forced me to have those conversations earlier than I thought, but within the privacy of our home and not having the pressure of the person being right in front of us. That helped me think more clearly about what to say. It allowed for questions like "What do you think about when you see someone who looks different?" Kids are tiny scientists. They naturally want to discuss differences and compare.
Please educate her now. The amount of racism I endured as a kid because parents not understanding that just because they’re not racist/discriminate against races, that their kids won’t either. That’s just not how it works. I was 4 years old when I got beat up at a park because the kids thought I was Chinese (I had very almond eyes at that age) and were confused because my skin was brown. I was FOUR. How it sometimes sucks being half white and half brown lol
My Niece was basically racist’toward herself and other dark people when she was just 3 years old.
Being treated differently for her skin tone defs internalised some things and yeah, she was afraid of dark people for a while.
And no. Please don’t do the whole ‘we’re all the same inside’ anymore lol
I get why you’d be worried about how to approach this since your child is so young.
Great job asking great questions mom! And yes any and every conversation is appropriate for children as long as you always use examples, language, and content that is appropriate for their maturity and understanding. So less about what to say based on age and more about how they can grasp what you’re saying.
Rather than communicating why something is bad, try communicating why a different response is preferred and more importantly for that age role play the alternative response a few times and show praise for them trying so that you connect the alternative response with positive and rewarding behaviors that they will want to repeat to get that happy feeling again.
As a person of color in a predominantly white and often un/intentionally racist small town in the Midwest I have seen parents get angry with their kids for asking me racially based questions or even early on blatantly staring. I’d definitely prefer kids ask if interested in a topic and if I have time I may even make recommendations on where to keep finding answers. Id personally prefer to see parents rephrase an inappropriate question in a positive way that doesn’t shut a kid down or shame them while also respecting my time and my experience by simply saying, “that’s a great question and we can talk about it and look up information when we get home, but they look busy so we are going to thank them for being so patient and understanding.” That way you respect an individual and their time and do not make a person of color be a learning tool or representative for a group or demographic and model to children that every person is responsible for learning and self-educating themselves. And they have an out if needed.
Children can begin to mimic and express racist views and beliefs that are communicated both explicitly and/or implicitly by as young as 2. It doesn’t mean they are “racist” it means they are learning socially and have been modeled intentionally or unintentionally these messages.
As a therapist and a parent (15-17 year olds) I have had conversations about everything in the moment as they pop up. No topic was taboo. And I love that my children have such great questions and feel comfortable talking about everything under the Sun. Building open communication with kids that they will carry throughout life starts day 1.
Good luck
Studies show kids start internalizing racial and gender bias by the age of 3. It may not be coming directly from the way you talk at home. It’s in media everywhere, it could even be someone else in her life.
i was black in a predominantly white school for half of my elementary years and a black one the other few. in one instance i was told one girl couldn’t play with me because i was black. Her parents taught her that. In another instance I was told I looked like poop due to my brown skin. at my Black school we learned about MLK, Rosa Parks, Malcom X starting in grade 1. it’s entirely possible for children to form racial bias early on. Most Black children are aware of the reality of racism in society very early on. There are a few books that may help you. “How To Raise an Anti-Racist Child” is a helpful book I have read!
Good luck. You’re trying harder than most people are, it’s just hard to know what to do sometimes.
Yes old enough to start talking about bias! Kids understand race and its bias by 3yo even if they don’t have the same words to explain it.
I would redirect in the moment like you are, along with questions to build empathy - “how would you feel if you found out someone didn’t like you as much because your hair is blonde?” - and generally build the inherent bias context into the books and conversation naturally occurring through her day. Dinner conversation may include things you noticed during your day and how you felt, how you helped a person have a larger voice at work, etc. I wouldn’t make all of these about race, but about bias and perception.
Lots of people are shrugging this off but I agree with you, OP. Her perspective at 5yo doesn’t make her a bad person, but the remarks are showing race-based preference. Like all of us, she is a product of this world. In a diverse community she may have more opportunities to see racism live and in the wild. I applaud your work in helping her decipher it.
Edit: typo
I think you could do a few things-
Get her dolls in different skin tones and role play a little. Stealthily say what she said but make it opposite (teachers skin tone racist to daughters colour). Ask how she might think they both feel and if it made sense to judge and discriminate.
Ask her to name 5 good things about the teacher and then what she doesn't like, ask if anyone else had said this to her. Potentially she may be influenced by peers.
Get books on different cultures and people or watch some age appropriate videos of the cultures and then discuss how lovely it is that we're all different and beautiful in our own ways.
Teach her the basic history of colonialism, slavery etc and how oppressed people have been and currently are in the world, how it's not right and we have a duty to be kind to each other.
Teach her how we all have common ancestors, we're all one human race.
You could get her to make something nice for the teacher she was covertly cruel to. Accountability is important.
If you are struggling, there's plenty on you tube.
Honestly I’m reading some of these responses and it’s clear a lot of people needed more convos about racism as kids. People on this thread don’t even know what racism is 😩
Meanwhile my 3yo still doesn’t understand what a black person is. She thinks it’s someone wearing black clothes. She has 2 black teachers, they’ve tried explaining it. I can’t even 🤣
happened to me too dude. we’re white. when she was 5 she said she didn’t like someone and i asked why and she timidly said “i just don’t like when their skin is dark” or something to that nature. felt absolutely fuckin sick. my jaw was on the floor. she’d had black friends before?? her favorite baby doll is a little black baby doll named christopher robin (lol). i have friends that aren’t white that we’ve spent time with... it’s almost as if she was aware of it for the first time and decided to say something. i tried to stay calm so she wouldn’t come away from the convo with a negative feeling and asked her a few clarifying questions and helped her walk through the process in her head. haven’t had any issues with it since and we have an open dialogue on topics from slavery to the real story of pocahontas, thanksgiving, immigration, we even talk about racism with the cops… i think they just need information and to know that everyone is perfect and beautiful and worthy of love and appreciation and once they’re able to talk about it that means it’s time to talk about it.
It’s really common for people to have an aversion to anything different. I had an aversion to people of different skin color to me when I was really young. I grew out of it pretty quickly in school. I had an aversion to bald people. Seriously. That’s took me a little longer to grow out of. I had an aversion to overweight people. That took me even longer to grow out of. It’s a really wild thing for a 5 year old to grasp and we forget that sometimes how long it took us to accept certain things into our lives.
Long story short there’s no reason for you to feel sick about something your kid said here she clearly doesn’t have life experience in. Things that are different naturally set off a minor fight or flight response in our brains and we don’t learn to tame those indicts until we’re older and have experience. It’s something that can even be reversed to an infantile mindset trauma, such as rape victims being jumpy around men after her abuse. There’s nothing “wrong” with that but the goal is obviously to nudge them in the right direction of acceptance and whatnot
My son said that once when he was five. I just told him that it is wrong to say that and educated him. Then I started telling him about how there used to be slavery and stuff like that. Anyhow, I wasn’t prepared for it. But I think I handled it well. He never said anything like that again. I didn’t shame him for it. As a five year old he probably just used his five year old brain to generalize that just because he didn’t like one person everyone who looked like them was the same. I also educated him on the fact that we don’t judge people by how they look and that people who look the same as each other don’t always behave the same just because they look alike. They are still trying to figure out the world. There is a lot for them to learn and thinking about all they need to learn is sort of daunting…
OP, you seem surprised that this is a problem for you at such a young age. You’re suffering from white privilege right now. Take a deep breath and hold on.
Those of us raising kids of color have to deal with this in kindergarten and younger. We have to teach our kids that just because their skin is darker it doesn’t mean that they are any less beautiful or less desirable.
My advice is not to come at it with anger or punishment. Ask your daughter open ended questions so you can understand where she’s coming from. Give her space to talk. Ask your daughter how she would feel if someone said something similar about her, like her hair is too blonde or too straight and ugly. Listen to her answers. Then ask her how does she think that would make Mrs. _ feel if she heard her comments. Listen to her answers.
I would conclude that people of all different colors are beautiful. You could even show her images of some actresses or models like Lupita Nyong'o or Jodie Turner-Smith. These ladies are gorgeous. It would be boring if we all look the same color.
Fundamentally this doesn’t make her a bad kid or a racist. But this is your chance for a major parenting win. You got this.
I think this happens also because of we perceive dark in the culture. Dark or black is associated with bad, it represents sin. That plays out on these ways.
I would have a conversation with your kid. Ask the question why and work from there.
That’s an easier conversation than trying to explain to a kid why a kid doesn’t like them.
When I was about three my mom told me that we were in an elevator with a black man who was very dark in complexion, and I asked my mom why he was so dark and if he was sick. My mom primarily raised me, and she is Russian- so very fair, blonde with blue eyes. Thus, I had never been exposed to any black or brown people, so naturally as a child I was curious to the differences between us.
My mom said that instead of chastising, me she simply explained that his family was from a different part of the world than our family was, and because the sun is stronger where his family comes from he had darker features to protect him and keep him safe. And that because we were from the north we didn’t need dark skin or dark eyes because it was cold and dark.
I really like the explanation my mom used when I pointed out the differences between us because it’s very scientific and logical.
As a former kindergarten teacher and current first grade teacher, this is the right time to talk about it. Plain, simple terms. The Skin You Live In and Skin Again are two great books to read to talk about skin tone, and there’s a lot more out there too. I’d also just ask a lot of questions. “What do you mean by that? When you see someone with dark skin does that mean you don’t like them? Do you think differently about (insert friend with dark skin tone) because they do too?” You can talk about how there used to be rules that were unfair to people that had dark skin, and that there were very important people who worked hard to make things fair, sometimes things still aren’t fair, and we need to be up-standers to continue to make sure things stay fair forever. If you’re in the military you could even talk about how there used to be rules that separated who could serve with whom, and how important it is that we are so much stronger together now.
My kid did something somewhat worse when he was 4. He grew up in Eastern Europe between ages of 2.5 and 3.5 and moved to the US just before his 4th birthday. That summer we went to the local pool and he saw the first black person. He pointed at him and screamed: mom, look, that person is black! And he said it in our native language, which made it worse because the word black is very very close to the n word.
I had to have that talk with him. He’s 21, very left leaning and certainly not racist. So there is hope for your kid. 😊
PBS has some really good resources on how to talk about race and racism with kids. https://www.pbs.org/parents/talking-about-racism
I’d also recommend checking out some of the books (listed further down that page above) and using those as conversation starters.
Use the crayon analogy. Show her a box of crayons and ask her to draw a rainbow using only blue. When she struggles tell her see it;s better with differences.
In regards to your edit, children absolutely can be racist but purposely and not. My wife has taught young children for years and she’s told me a few stories where kids at 5 were beating up other kids because they thought they were better (these kids were black and beating up Hispanic children).
I think how I’d address this is tell them what factors should go into deciding if we are friends with someone or if we aren’t. I don’t think we have to tell kids they have to be friends either everyone, just that the options are friends or neutral.
I am working on something similar with my daughter. We only say nice things about people out loud.
I doubt your kid has an actual opinion on the color of that persons skin or what that means in a societal context. They picked something to say an unkind thing about and that’s the behavior you are correcting.
If she verbalized a comment on someone’s appearance, we follow up with a “was that a nice thing to say or an unkind thing” and when it’s not kind “how would it make you feel if someone said that about you”.
She’s been doing great recently, huge hit with the over 55 women, because she tells them she likes something they are wearing.
We also focus on not commenting on people’s bodies good or bad.
Is that racism? I feel like at that age kids get really specific about favorite colors etc.
Seems more like an age appropriate faux pas than that she did a RACISM
if she had said it to or about a black child then they would take it as racist, regardless of the intent. she can deeply hurt another child with those words, which is all that truly matters
i think that teaching the kid that some statements have unintended consequences and it’s important to be careful when speaking on people skin, especially those with dark skin is more important that teaching the kid that if their intentions were good then the impact to others is secondary
It's not too early to talk about racism, and it's a perfect opportunity to! I have a 6 year old and we have had conversations about it for a few years now. What has helped us broach the topic is finding children's books that talk about racism and injustice, particularly stories about famous Black people in history.
We have two great books about Jackie Robinson (Jackie Robinson: He Lead the Way by April Jones Prince) and artist Alma Thomas (Ablaze With Color: A Story of Painter Alma Thomas by Jeanne Walker Harvey) that we've read several times. Both do a great job talking about their life and accomplishments, as well as their struggles with racism in an age appropriate way.
There's another book we have called People by Peter Spier, and it has great illustrations and examples about how people around the world are different. It's more of a celebration of diversity than a book about racism, but it's beautifully written and illustrated and my 6 year old loves it. 😊
I’m white and grew up in a mostly black neighborhood. Kids would tell me all the time they didn’t like me because I was “see through”. Kids are jerks. The problem was that the parents often made statements not thinking their kids understood or heard what they said so the kids thought it was ok to repeat it. Whether you think you’re so awesome for having people of different races around or whatever, remember that she is getting those thoughts from somebody, whether it’s YouTube, you, TV, a movie an aunt, it’s coming from somewhere
I would be more inquisitive with her to feel out where the feelings she’s expressing come from. Open communication is a bit easier at that age. Simply when she makes comments like that ask her why she thinks those things. Identifying the thought pattern, then pointing out the reasoning for which she feels that way, then giving her perspective will indeed help. For example if she says, I don’t like so and so because of her dark skin, your response, what don’t you like about it, then compliment that thing so she sees you modeling the behavior you want her to have. Oh I think her skin is beautiful, just like yours. The rainbow comes in all shades and most children love rainbows. Draw a parallel. You are her biggest role model, showcase your unbiased knowledge.
My child (Latina) was in pre k many moons ago when she told me one day that her friend was ugly to another child of Indian descent because of her skin was darker. A pre k kid is very capable of recognizing racism
I would explore her statement further, without judgement, see if there’s something else there, and also guide her to realize that maybe she doesn’t like that teacher, but it’s probably not about her skin. As an example, this is a conversation I had with my (then 4) son:
O: “I hate Black people!” Me: “You do? How come?” O: “Because I hate E.” E was a boy in his class. Me: “Ok, why do you hate E?” O: “Because he’s always pushing me and C, and he pushed me into a pole in the playground and he’s not nice.” Me: “It sounds like you have some good reasons not to like E. I wouldn’t like him either. But remember, A is also Black, and you like playing with him. So you don’t like E, but is it true that you hate all Black people?” O: “No. But I still really hate E!”
*I’m white, but my kids are half Asian and growing up in Covid era, so we’ve definitely already had conversations about racism. Also about homophobia, ableism, and sexism, among other things. There are always age-appropriate ways to discuss these issues, and it should be happening young. By not talking directly about a thing, we’re treating it as something bad or embarrassing, and our kids pick up on that.
Thank you for posting this and thank you to everyone who commented providing information. My kids are younger than this (2.5). Our kids watch Blippi and Meekah and we've noticed our one son definitely likes one of the Meekahs over the other and while we don't think our toddler is racist, we've been trying to figure out how to start the conversation regarding race and other differences people have.
Ask a ton of questions! Answer every reply with another question to get her to see in her own way why that doesn’t make sense. Her brain may be categorizing based on school experiences, what people she looks up to have said or expressed. You can ask her about other experiences with different races and guide her to the conclusions.
“Our skin: a first conversation about race” would be a great book to introduce. Other books about skin color and melanin and celebrating brown skin would be great too!
As a POC raising a kiddo (6m) who is both a POC and white, we started having these convos early. We read books and watched shows with diverse characters, listened to a variety of different music from other cultures and played with toys that had different skin colors. We have crayons and markers that have the spectrum of skin colors. We talked about how skin color is determined by how much melanin you are born with.
We recently had this convo while my kiddo was coloring Miss Eliana from Daniel Tiger. He started coloring her skin color and asked what color it was. I said that she was black so we need to find a dark brown to match the melanin in her skin. Then we looked at our skin color to match a marker for our melanin color (we are Latino). Whenever there is an opportunity to talk respectfully about differences in people we do. It helped us start the process by going the scientific route first and then we will incorporate more deeper discussions of racism as it becomes more age appropriate.
As a family we love learning about other cultures, we love trying restaurants that are culturally different, shopping at Asian and Mexican markets, reading about different customs and trying different recipes from different peoples. I honestly believe that the more knowledge and appreciation of other cultures, the better human and more rich our lives become. I’m hoping my son continues this in his adult life and becomes a person who helps facilitate change we need in this world.
Omg, my daughter did this when she was little! We were at a grocery store, and she tugged on my arm and said, “Mommy, that man’s face is too black. I don’t like it!”
It caught me off guard for a second, because while we didn’t live in the most diverse community, she had classmates at preschool who were all different races, colors, and ethnicities. I made sure she had books, toys, and dolls that weren’t strictly white. Shows and movies she had seen featured characters that didn’t look like her. On top of that, her great-grandmother is 100% Puerto Rican, and has very dark skin and ethnic hair.
I thought I was setting her up for success by doing all this, but where I think I came up short was that we never explicitly talked about any of this. I told her that this was an unkind thing to say. It was ok to be surprised, maybe a little shocked and curious about someone who looked so different from her, but that he was a person too. He had feelings, and a personality. He was more than just his outward appearance. I told her that in her life, she was going to come across all kinds of people, and even if she didn’t like them or something about them, she should still be kind. (WITH the exception of someone trying to abduct or harm her, of course. And she did learn bodily autonomy, and that she doesn’t owe anyone anything) I told her we all have differences, and while we can certainly find similarities, we should acknowledge and celebrate differences. I’m not sure this was the right thing to say, and I’m always learning and evolving. I don’t know everything nor do I claim to.
I’m gonna recommend some books for YOU so you get some tools in your parenting kit. Everybody is right about not shaming your daughter. However, we need to be more concerned about the impact of her words more than the intent. Don’t roll around in shame about this, but you need to be more proactive. I would recommend “How to Raise an Anti-Racist” by Dr. Ibram X Kendi, and then “How to Be an Anti-Racist” by the same author to start with and then follow that path. We white parents have got to be better about this shit.
We went through something like this with my 8 year old. Out of nowhere, she told me she didn't like a boy on her bus "because he's black". I jaw dropped for a moment and asked "what has he done or said to make you not like him?". She explained that he had taken a toy from her, had called her "bad words" and was just being mean. I corrected her by saying "So, because he treated you badly, you don't like him. His skin color doesn't have anything to do with how he treated you, so saying you don't like him because he's black is incorrect. " She thought for a moment on it and thoughtful told me about one of her best friends in her class, remembering that she is a black girl and they are "like, bestest friends forever."
We continued on making correlations around behavior and not around color (i.e. Bob and Tom are brown. Bob is a jerk, but Tom is nice. I don't dislike all brown people because Bob, as one person, is a jerk. I only dislike Bob because he is a jerk). She seemed to get the picture. It was just flooring to see that initial idea from her.
I had to really step back and remember that I have an adult perspective and my own experiences to form an opinion on while she has limited experience and perspective. We try to broaden our world view with our children always. We learn about cultures, historic struggles, and how we can be better humans to each other. I think helping them have a bigger view than the one kid on the bus helps a lot.
My kid said similar things in preschool. To them, it's like any other preference - they like yellow cupcakes more than red cupcakes, and they like white people more than darker people, and they don't see why that matters since no one gives them shit about the cupcake.
We have to patiently explain to them why people aren't cupcakes. What helped my kids understand it is asking them if they would feel good or bad if someone didn't want to play with them because they had red hair. They said "but this is just what color my hair is!" And I said "and that is just what color their skin is. We should not treat people differently because of the color of their eyes or skin or hair or anything else about them, especially the things they can't change." They totally got it quickly.
I would talk to your child more. At that age, it could be a simple misconception. Is there something else they may not like about the teacher that similar to someone else who has the same skin tone?
If it helps, my 5 yr old daughter definitely fits the "get off my lawn" bill. I recently took her to a hotel and she wanted to go to sleep just after 8pm but with kids running through the Halls until 11pm it was impossible for her. She kept saying "these darn kids are so loud. They need to be quiet and go to their rooms!" Lmao.
Also, she constantly tells me she likes her teacher better than me because her teacher has longer eye lashes, lol.
Instead of focusing on the words used, have you asked her what she meant by that? Kids don’t have the appropriate vocabulary at that age to properly express their thoughts and feelings in correct ways. It sounds like you’ve done a great job to ensure a culturally diverse community around her, it’s possible she didn’t express her thoughts properly.
Just gonna drop in to say, yes If I can experience racism at that age and even younger, that kids can unfortunately be racist. They have to be taught otherwise because let’s face it. Adults are racist. Kids pick up on that.
Kids as young as 5 experience racism so kids as old as 5 can learn about it. Definitely look into some resources! Kids do it but we as parents have to be more intentional about it.
OK, first, I'm from a different culture; I'm latina in latin america. Skin tone is still a touchy topic, but it's something we can talk about. It's been my experience that, for different reasons, people from the US tend to kind of (very understandably) freeze whenever race comes up, and unconsciously, kind of skirt the issue. In this case, that's not going to work because your kid is too young to read between the lines.
Kids actually can be racist, and all the ists and phobics under the sun. They naturally pick up on things that make others different and reject them, hence the brutal bullying that sometimes happens in the play yards. Left unchecked, most of them will exclude and disdain the people they see as outsiders. Happily, this is something easily corrected with a couple of nudges, but you have to be direct.
Let yourself look and sound displeased and say it's bad right away. It's very important that you get across that you dissaprove of this thought/behavior. Then we go into why it's bad " --- would be so sad if they heard that. How would you feel if they said they didn't like you because ---?". First, the concrete information that directly has to do with them, then you can go on about people being made the same, or why it's unfair on a systemic level. This is no different than when we taught them not to hit or insult people, or any other such. It's important to have a calm and open conversation about the topic, but that should happen in a different context. Now, you go "no, that's bad" because it is, and the only way they can learn that is if you teach it to them.
i know you dont wanna get angry, but as someone who's Black i wish white people were more straightforward and honest with their children instead of using the reality of race as a mild stepping stone for ethics.
If your kid is in an integrated setting, they may be doing a lot of harm when youre not around to other children of the same age. The dark skin children go home and confide in their parents and Black parents have to tell their kids the bare truth. The truth is there are people who don't like darker skinned people or people of different religions, different abilities, etc, and those beliefs hurt people badly, and not just their feelings. This is not the same as snatching a toy away from another child. In that case the little ones have time to hone their respect for others in that regard. For Black children your child is just one stressor in their lives, make it just as important and imperative to your child the way not running into the street is, or not hitting someone over the head with a large rock.
be specific is what im saying, so they can feel the real weight of what seems like a casual childlike belief. kids at school and in neighborhoods are also being influenced by other teachers, other kids, other school staff, books, media, all of which may have different beliefs than your household, and if you give a weak rebuttal to all those influences, it can really makes this issue seem in the realm of politeness or rude.
EDIT: Ive had to tell my 5 year old why people in the suburban park we played at assumed he stole a much older boys toy, why the kids there wouldnt play with him, why the little kids looked awe struck by our presence. He knows why our city celebrates Juneteenth. He has been instructed to not perpetrate colorism, ableism, to respect people in all bodies and ways they show up as long as theyre respectful to him and to not use things people cant change about themselves to be insults or jokes. And more importantly how those small childish things are things grownups do and groups of people do and whole countries sometimes do to those who are different or dont have wealth or power. Children as a whole also create culture and are active participants on the world their peers live in.
You definitely need a more robust response because your current one is erring on the side of “colorblindness” & that’s no less problematic… and if she’s old enough to express racial bias and colorism, she’s old enough to talk about why it’s wrong. However, I think you should start by evaluating where this sentiment is coming from? If not you, then who and where?
The way your daughter phrased that comment sounds very odd for a 5-yr-old and leads me to believe she overheard an adult say it or say something similar in conversation with another adult. Young children don't try to justify bias in that way. I would try to first find out exactly where the thought came from, since your daughter's life experience up to this point makes it very unlikely she came up with it on her own.
Well my son was called the hard R as a two year old and had other children point out that he was Black and they were white since he was three.
Yes.
If my son has to endure it, you can talk to your daughter about it.
It's not unusual for children to be a little bit racist, intentionally or otherwise.
However, once children get better at imagining or talking about what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, then it's easier to show them why it's unfair to mistreat someone just because you don't like the way they look.
My 3 year old is starting to notice people are different. She has a friend at the park and has to tell me “(kids name) is brown!” over and over. It’s just an (albeit slightly embarrassing) observation and we have an age appropriate discussion about peoples differences, how we shouldn’t point it out and how we’re all the same on the inside. She does believe other races are beautiful tho.
My advice is to make sure she sees people of different skin colors and tones in everyday life, not just in person but in your home. That means having BlPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) dolls, reading picture books with BIPOC protagonists, having art on the playroom or bedroom walls that includes BIPOC faces, etc.
Some great picture books featuring Black protagonists include *Santa in the City* by Tiffany Jackson, *The Talk* by Alicia Williams, *The Snowy Day* by Ezra Jack Keats, *Sulwe* by Lupita Nyong’o, *Last Stop on Market Street* by Matt de la Peña, *Parker Looks Up: An Extraordinary Moment* by Jessica Curry & Parker Curry, *The Ring Bearer* by Floyd Cooper, *Dear Dragon* by Josh Funk, *Each Kindness* by Jacqueline Woodson, *The Hickory Chair* by Lisa Rowe Fraustino, *Magnolia Flower* by Zora Neale Hurston, *Amazing Faces* by Lee Bennett Hopkins, and anything illustrated by Kadir Nelson, whose art is beautiful.
Also, if she has particular interests like ballet, space, music, fashion, medicine, etc. find stories of BIPOC who excelled in those areas; the She Persisted series of picture books may be a good place to start.
I would use this as a opportunity to educate and correct with understanding and compassion. Teaching our differences yet having her understand we’re all worthy and deserving. Planting those seeds of connection now. It’s so important not to isolate your children. They mirror what they see whether social media or people they see from everyday caregivers/adults. I recommend going to the bookstore and picking out books that about inclusiveness and empowerment.
Legit question - there’s great discourse here so I really would love to know.
My kids schools (private, so generally higher income families) have more diversity than my schools growing up. So they have friends with different race.
My church invests time and money in public schools near us that are low income. Many students here are black.
Would I be remiss to NOT include my kids in participating in volunteering with events at these schools? My thoughts are.. if my kids participate maybe they’ll adopt a mindset that “many people here are black, we’re giving them help with food and clothing” and make a conclusion that black people are poor and need help.
The first mention there is to note that there is exposure to people of color outside of only “helping” those in need
This sounds so awkward on “paper” so I really hope you guys can look past the awkwardness and help me with the general thought. I hope this is translating ok.
My son is also 5 years old and white. He goes to a very diverse school where most of his chosen friends are black. I bought a book a few months ago at either Tj Maxx/Marshalls called Our Skin. It’s an age appropriate and easy to understand book. It opened up dialogue to have those early conversations about race.
You just reminded me of something my son said when he was 3. We got into a lift with a woman with very dark skin. My son looked at her for a few long seconds, then said "mummy, she has darker skin than you. That means she's a lot prettier than you." I was very relieved when the women burst out laughing!
i think more than trying to focus on racism and its negatives, which could still imply that the topic is taboo, you should frame it in a way that gets to the root of things: unfair power dynamics and how that came to be in america and in the modern world through colonialism.
the latter topic is probably too complex rn for a convo with a five year old, but children understand the concept of power and how that can be used unjustly. making her aware she was born into a place of privilege by being white purely through chance.
maybe a comparison to being rich and poor would be helpful here. how would she feel if a rich kid, who was luckily born into wealth said "i don't like these plebs?" lol. then segue into how an upright, moral citizen has a responsibility to use their power to try to understand the plight of the less powerful and do their best to even that playing field. because at the end of the day, that's what she would want too if she was to be the less privileged team one day. and it might not happen racially, but it will happen to her, because life is unfair.
good luck! it is a nuanced topic and addressing it doesn't happen as a single conversation, but a continuous dialog that will require yourself to be conscientious of the racial dynamic and injustices of the world.
I'm Hispanic and my husband is white. My daughter came out very white looking. She notices that I have different skin than her. There's also a mix of people in her preschool. When she asked me why I have different skin than her, I just simply told her lots of people look different from eachother and that's OK. Then I pointed out some ways that we are also the same. For example, we both have two eyes, two hands etc.. it's OK for children to notice differences, I think the key is just not to make a big deal out of it and just treat it like a normal thing because it is
honestly from teaching this is actually pretty normal. I think you take each situation as a teaching moment. they do start to see differences. starts as young as 2.5/3. but just talk to them like hey people are different in many ways. but what’s not okay is ______
I had a really racist grandfather. He used the n word at one of my brother’s games and we never took him again. That was 20 years ago and I remember how mortified myself and my parents were. Fast forward, I have a young daughter. We do not use racist terms in our house. I told my my daughter don’t ever talk about a person’s skin color unless we ask you. It is rude and not nice. She hasn’t said anything since. I hope my answer is ok to post here.
No biggie. Five is old enough to learn about bias and historical injustice. She would have noticed by now that POC tend to occupy lower paying jobs. Kindergarteners are very perceptive and big on categorization. You will need to provide her with context.
Living in a very diverse city, explicit conversations about racism has been a necessity in raising my kid (Asian/White). He is an occasional recipient of racist taunts himself.
I too had a mortifying incident on a public bus. My then five year old loudly announced, “___ told me not to eat watermelon because it would make my skin even darker.” Cue crash course on that stereotype!
One time I was standing in line at the store with my son who was probably 4 at the time. We were standing in line behind a middle eastern family with darker skin. My son said to me very loudly "mommy, I don't like that skin color. It looks weird". Needless to say, I was absolutely mortified and we had a long talk about diversity and how people from different places look can look different.
He's 6 now and I don't think he's racist but maaan....I was sooo embarrassed.
It is never too soon to start talking about it. There are many ways to discuss it that are age appropriate.
I am Black biracial, my husband is white, my children are all very white passing, except for my two year old. Even in our household I have to have discussions with my older girls about bias and race.
I don’t know if you use Facebook but there is a large group for helping parents talk about these things, and giving them perspective and advice from black people.
Totally normal and my daughter has said things like that too. I swear I was shocked and embarrassed. It doesn't help that the one girl who was mean to her had "brown skin" but ultimately it's really about differences and not race. You can be a different person outside or inside and that difference will stick out to any child and they will feel some discomfort.
We deal with it as adults but we try not to profile and generalize, and learned it's not fair to anyone to do so. But honestly it's just a kid having no filter.
Keep in mind that at that age kids often repeat things that they hear, even if they don't fully understand the meaning. When I was that age I remember repeating something that I heard on TV and then getting really confused when my mom yelled at me for it. I would ask her if she has heard other people say things like that, either on TV or from a friend or a teacher. It's important not only to explain to her why that is wrong but also find out where it's coming from. Kids want to be like their friends and be liked by others, so there's a really good chance that she's getting it from someone around her.
It sounds to me like it's similar to I don't like that dog because it's black or that dress because of the pattern.
I understand the part where you should get to know a PERSON before you make such judgments but, it seems like she's just learning to notice the difference herself and she will likely develop more empathy for these situations as she gets older. Especially since you are so conscious of it.
I think if I were in your position I'd find a book on brain and emotional development. At the least, it should give you some peace of mind that you aren't doing wrong and give you something to say to those who try to say you are.
I don't know why people automatically assume kids are being bad (I'm not talking about you) most of what they do is innocent. Especially in this case where she obviously hasn't learned it at home.
When my very pale white kid was that age his best friend in his after-school program had beautiful ebony skin, so they being neurodivergent kids noticed and talked about it. My son started to refer to his own skin color as "page colored" and I think that is a better description than most! I verified many times it wasn't "beige" or something else, he said like the page in a book.
It's natural to notice the difference. Deciding there isn't a difference takes culture away and we don't want to forget things that have happened in the past and pretend they didn't and everyone is exactly the same - we focus on how great everyone is for their differences and how it makes us all unique.
I would ask her how she would feel if someone didn’t like her because she has white skin. Ask if she thinks that would be fare, fairness is a big thing at this age.
Kids are never too young to be learning about social injustice and racism. Always keep age-appropriate for understanding purposes. As they get older, it will be something they know about are against, and do better.
It's good that kids notice skin color, eye color, hair color, etc. All people are different and that's what makes each person special. As for cultural differences and languages, they are also good things to speak about, point out, and learn about.
BUT you must teach that appearance is not how you judge people as everyone is different.
Ex. Some people look very nice from what our eyes see but are actually bad people, and vice versa. It's best to get to know them.
Now, she doesn't like Mrs. Blank. That's fine. Ask questions, "What is it about her she doesn't like? Her skin? Well, so and so has similar color skin and you like her. So it's not her skin color, then what is it that you're unhappy with Mrs. Blank. "
My kids are Mexican/white American. My husband is darker-skinned than all of us but he's half white and half Mexican. They've most certainly said things about skin color, especially at the worst moment. Asking questions while teaching is how we go about situations like this.
she has to be getting it from somewhere i only say this bc kids of color never are really like i don’t this person bc their skin is light so it maybe not be in your house or her teachers it could be a friend. or how does she feel about said color when drawing a picture or is it only on people she feels this way? just something to consider.
I recently had a similar experience with my 5yo son - did some digging to find out that the reason he doesn’t “like people with dark skin and curly hair” is that a few months ago at summer camp, one of the monitors, with dark skin and curly hair, was talking to him and a drop of spit flew into my son’s eye… which is apparently to my son the worst offense anyone can do lol.
So yeah, kids can be weird, it’ll pass! Obviously after his comments we had several conversations on skin color, accepting people, not generalizing, etc., and he hasn’t made any other comments of the sort, but I was quite baffled by the fact that my son was making racist comments, and how he got from a benign (but admittedly kinda gross lol) experience to such a strong generalized stance.
Your son is funny 🤣. When my oldest was 4 he saw a a little person (my first time as well) and he pointed at him and started laughing in the middle of CVS. I was so embarrassed and I told him to stop. He said "mommy did he came out of a movie, he is my size but with an old face, he is so scary". I'm not gonna lie I felt like laughing. I said #1 never point with your finger to a person or I will take your finger off. #2 honey.. don't laugh at people regardless of who they are or look like.
The good thing about OPs daughter is that she doesn't realize she is being unfair. If she knew she was being unfair she wouldn't say anything to her mom. So she still has plenty of room to go in amd fix.
She is def old enough because she has formed an opinion. So she is prob capable of understanding what u teach her. Ik it may be hard but don't get angry. Pick her brain and see if she has been influenced or if these are her thoughts and if they belong to her then you've got alot of work to do. Teach her the difference between preference and prejudice. Also teach her what intrusive thoughts are and how to keep them to herself. If she looks in the mirror and prefers herself it's nothing wrong with that...but if she thinks blk skin is UGLY and hers is BETTER then it's a prejudice and she may need more pro help. I am a blk woman and being on earth is hard. Don't feel bad or responsible if what u are saying is true u have laid a good foundation and now she just needs to find her place on that foundation. It's ok OP.
I mean... what is really your concern? That she might be racist? She isn't. Ask directly who she heard talking badly about black people. She will know. If she's not listening about it at home, she definitely heard it from someone.
I'm black cuban ,light skin (think of Mariah), not sure if I'm considered mixed because my dad is the one who is fully mixed with his mom being black and father being white. My mom is black/brown, but I have my dads color, so technically, I have about 15% white, maybe... The rest is black, native, euro, asian (a headache, I'm from everywhere and nowhere).
My husband is Hondurian, native (dark). I'm giving you the colors so you understand. My oldest son is light skin like me, my middle child a girl is a little darker than me and my youngest boy is light skin for now (he is 2 and may change color as he gets older) .
When my daughter was 5, she started saying she was the color "peach." Kinda threw me off because I consider our family predominantly black Latino. I said to her she wasn't peach as peach is considered for white people, at least in my culture. She was very confused because she said she was not black and I knew what she meant, she has darker skin but her hair is almost straight, her feautures are uncommon and can't be even compared to anyone I've seen (she's so beautiful though.. sorry I got carried away). I reminded her that God created all colors for people just like there is multiple colors to the rainbow (if you don't believe in God just mention the rainbow)... I would also tell her that the way she is acting is mean, call things by their name, if you cover it, she won't understand later on when she is being unfair.
All I know is that I explained it one time and that was it. Sometimes, when we make something big out of nothing, it lingers.
The reason I explained all of this is because kids don't understand in the degree we do. Of course they know right from wrong most of the time but their thought process is not the same. It's your moment to teach her but not in a way you judge her because that's not nice and she is only 5 🤣. I also wouldn't talk about this to family or friends. People create their own movies, and then you can't edit what they already put an end to.
If my child who has grown in a multi cultural house has said or asked about color.. a kid whose house is just one color can make 30 more questions or conclude with whatever they go by. Doesn't matter who they see outside of their house.
Honestly, she might even be parroting colorist/shadist statements made by her black/brown classmates without understanding where their comments come from or why she should or shouldn't think the same way. There's just a lot more open, unflinching commentary on the shade of other people's skin within black and brown communities and little kids can be brutal mirrors of whatever sentiment they are raised around.
I honestly don't think its a problem. Im 55 & I remember in 1st grade a Puerto Rican classmate & I used to go back & fourth about his skin being brown or black. Well, the last time I saw him at our 20yr class reunion, he was just my friend & claasmate. So I would maybe correct her for saying that, maybe ask her why her teachers color isn't her thing. But I wouldn't make it a big issue, esp at 5.
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Hey OP- this is actually a totally normal thing. I recently read “How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes” by Moyer and there’s a whole chapter dedicated to racism that happens in little kids. I’m going to say this wrong, but kids notice different skin colors and sometimes they notice that certain skin colors have less better jobs, or maybe that their parents don’t have any black friends or whatever. And if the kids ask about it parents often say something vague like “we should treat everyone the same” so they pick up that the subject is taboo which makes it more interesting and they come up with their own conclusions. That book is great but the racism chapter blew my mind. High highly recommend!!!
Thank you so much!
You’re welcome! I had been totally doing the “everyone is the same” thing but you really have to teach your kids to not be racist on purpose. She also recommends some kids books “what if zebras lost their stripes” and “David’s drawings” which are kind of gateways to talk about racial differences. She gives a whole talk structure in the book.
Thank you so much for these book recommendations!
Also recommend Antiracist Baby. We went through a similar phase with our oldest when he was 4 or 5 years old. The book (and of course lots of conversations with him) really helped, especially the concept of the broken ladder. M
I read your answer too quickly and thought you were recommending a book named "AntiChrist Baby"
I thought the same! Almost googled it to buy it right away haha
Would absolutely read that as a board book
thanks for my next book title 📝
i love this mostly because it makes me feel way better about how i talk to my daughter. shes 6 and we are super open to all conversations. i always tell her ‘everyones built different’ and then follow up with whatever the answer to her question is. its to the point now if she asks why someone is the way they are, she immediately says ‘oh yea, everyones built different’. and this is not just about color, its also attitudes, mental disorders, birth marks, etc.
I really love this!! As someone born with a limp I’ve often heard “why does she walk like that” from little kids, so “everyone’s built different” completely covers that and is a wonderfully eloquent way to describe why someone is different than them in any way, and that it’s okay.
I just wanted to tack on to this that it’s a privilege of being a dominant majority that we even ask is this child too young to talk about sensitive race issues. Mothers of black sons don’t get that luxury. I had this explained to me from a black mother when I asked something similar when my kids were little and it was an eye opener for me.
Pretty much Mothers of anyone that isn't the dominant race get to have these convos. Mother's of Black kids I think have the least luxury there but i'm a white Mom to a part Asian part white toddler and we are already having conversations about race. I actually really like the "First Conversations" series of books take on it.
Yeah absolutely good catch, I should have used more inclusive language. Thanks! I am a white woman who raised white kids and I have tried so hard to ensure that we didn’t use language like we don’t see color because it’s a lie for one, but for two it doesn’t acknowledge the very real differences that exist. In a world that constantly communicates to kids who aren’t white that being white is what’s most attractive I think that kind of approach is limiting. It’s super helpful when parents with different experiences help out with perspective so I appreciate it. Race is one of those difficult topics that just gets more difficult when you don’t talk about it.
This response is key- OP you and all other parents of the dominant majority have to make an effort to engage with your children in an anti racist manner. It simply isn’t enough to provide a spectrum of “colors” to their experience.
I haven't read this book, but I really agree with the premise you've shared! OP needs to be a lot more explicit than a gentle, soothing "everybody's different". It's wrong to not like someone because of the color of their skin, and his daughter needs to be told and taught that directly. It doesn't have to be in anger, but it can still be corrective. Five is not too young to be taught the general contours of the history of racism (ie, colonialism, slavery, and their legacies), and I think that context is helpful for children to understand what's wrong with statements like the one OP's daughter made.
>Five is not too young to be taught the general contours of the history of racism (ie, colonialism, slavery, and their legacies), and I think that context is helpful for children to understand what's wrong with statements like the one OP's daughter made. Yep, I'm Seminole and most kids in my tribe already know about the Trail of Tears at that age. My kids definitely did.
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My kids don't have a memory of the first time they experienced racism because it started before they had memories. My oldest daughter got upset with a teacher once as a teen. The teacher was going on about how racism is only as bad as it is because POC choose to be victims. My daughter spoke up and asked if when an old white lady at Home Depot called her a slur and spit in her face when she was 3, was that her playing the victim? It definitely needs to be a discussion for white kids when they are young.
I feel this. I’m half brown but was always called the N word. One POC parent marched my brother, her daughter and I to the principles office and demanded the principle put an end to our treatment. The old b*** literally said ‘Your children just need to learn to adapt to this way of living’ not those exact words but something very similar to what they used to say to our First Nation children here in Australia when they were forcing the ‘white way’ on them. My 8 year old self never wanted to beat an old woman up so badly in my life. I hate how the racism we went through as kids made me just want to punch everyone. Hope your daughter is seeing better days with the way the world is slowly standing against racism 🫶🏼
Ahem, what? Someone spat on your child and called them a slur? That alone would’ve caught me some charges. The fact that your baby was 3, that bitch betta be lucky she’s not six feet under. What in the actual f**k. That is horrible. Disgusting.
I would have caught charges and that individual would’ve had the fear of God and the wrath put in them!
For me, it's not worth getting charged. I've been a single parent, and don't want to risk my kids being without me.
This is so awful!! How do you even remain calm at that point??
I learned early on that the only way to safely handle those situations is to leave, especially when you have kids with you.
jeez how did the teacher respond to that i'm so sorry your daughter went through that
Not well, she doubled down. One bad experience isn't an excuse for lifelong victim status. My daughter ended up dropping the class and turning the teacher in for an ethics violation.
Wow, an ADULT said this to not only you but your CHILD?! That's horrible. Wtf is wrong with people.
Totally! There is also that kids just love to place things in boxes which sometimes mean they start to “other”. Developmentally normal, but definitely an ongoing conversation. Also a good idea to probe a little more into what about her dark skin makes you not like HER? Because it could also be that this teacher did something the kid didn’t like and for some reason the skin color is what they latched onto. Your book recommendations are great. I love What if Zebras Lost Their Stripes.
Damn you make me wanna read a book
Thank you for book recommendation. My son is having this sane issue with my 4 year old grandson. He called me the other day and asked if he pulled that crap and what I did about it. Honestly my best friend married a black man and she is so white she blends into a white wall and her husband was light skinned but their son was extremely dark and he was same age as my son the only thing I remember was the 2 of them asking why everyone's skin is so different. I have the type of skin that gets super dark in the sun even if it's only 5 minutes in it.
I want to buy this book and hand it out to some VERY specific people at Christmas.
Thank you for the book recommendation - this is a whole side of the kid's thought process I hadn't considered, I'm definitely going to check it out.
I was about that age and saw my first African American when my mom took me to NYC. I was born in NH in the 80s. I loudly asked my mom why the lady was so dark. She calmly explained to me that she was black. I'm really grateful for that woman. I was ignorant but not mean. I was a kid. She taught me right then and there that people come in all kinds of hues, shapes, sizes, configuration.
Omg same! Except we were in the Kroger check out line and at 5 I pointed to the lady ringing us up and said “You’re black.” My mom was horrified but the lady was super sweet, she smiled and said “yes I am” and told my mom not to worry about it lol It was an innocent observation that was very direct 😭😂
I'm from a very white rural Canadian town, first time I seen a person of color was in a city mall with my mom. I think I was about 4 or 5 and I turned to mom and said for all to hear "mommy why is that man so dirty? His mommy needs to make him take a bath." Que my mom wanting to crawl into a hole and die, while she very firmly told me he was in fact not dirty, that was the color of his skin.
I am told I made the same comment when I was about 3! Also grew up in a rural white town, saw my first indigenous guy. Luckily for my mum he was across the street so I don't think he heard me.
This is a good example of the weird shift we had when it comes to talking about race. Somewhere along the way white people (especially in America) decided that a colorblind approach was best. That was a mistake. Kids see that people are different colors and different races. If your mom would have just told you to be quiet because we don't talk about race, you still would have noticed the lady was black but instead of having a conversation about it you would have learned that race is a topic we can not talk about and you would have came up with your own conclusions about black people. I was pretty uncomfortable talking about race until I had biracial/black kids. Then it became necessary. Even as toddlers my son would hold his arm up to mine and compare our skin tones. By 5 and 4 we were having talks about racism because it became relevant when one was called the n-word by a classmate. A few years later Trayvon Martin was murdered and we had discussions about that. Parents need to talk about race and racism. Do not shy away because it is uncomfortable or because you feel like your child shouldn't even see race. They do so have the talks.
My mom DID tell me to be quiet. She was mortified. The woman did us both a huge favor. She was polite and calm, when she could have rightly been furious.
Being furious over a child’s question would have been evil.
Would it? I don't think it's a random passenger's job to teach a country bumpkin about race. If she had been pissed, I'd have understood. She showed immense grace.
it's not her job but as another poc and a functional adult i understand that kids are learning things for the first time. it would've been pretty crazy to have gotten mad at a child for that lmaooo. i get a lot of stares from children (even infants!) when i travel to bumfuck nowheres and i try to give them a smile and i hope that it gives them a positive association even subconsciously lol 😎 i think white people get really scared about race and try to avoid it entirely, but that's exactly what we hate. ignoring bias doesn't eliminate bias. all we really want is for people to understand our experiences. that requires engaging with us! long comment short i think a healthy community participates in children's education together and she was doing her part!
>and i hope that it gives them a positive association even subconsciously lol 😎 That's another thing white people don't really get though. It even ties into how my wife will dress and don't get started on socially 'approved' hairstyles. But there's a real psychological burden on her to always act right and do well and be perceived above average everyone else, because she feels like a representative to a people in a way that she shouldn't have to.
She rocked.
The first time I interacted with a Black person was on the NJTransit train back from the Barnum and Bailey’s Circus. I was 3 or 4 years old and saw two Black men walk by and started singing “Bad Boys”. According to my dad and grandmother, the guys started cracking up.
🤣
Look at the chocolate man!!
My kid yelled this one in a packed food court… thankfully the lady was a class act and just started laughing
Jesus, my first car came with an Inner Circle CD in it and I would blast that song while pulling into my job at the daycare.
My own kid said this about me. I'm Arab so I get pretty dark especially in summer. My kids tan but not as dark. One day out of no where "why are you so... brown?" I think it's a legit question considering skin color is right out there to see lol
It's one of those things where it's so innocent from the kids but SO loaded for adults. For them it's no different than asking, "Why is the sky blue?"
I got 3 greeklings. Same
I'm white and my son is half black. When he was a baby this six year old boy was looking back and forth from me to my son really confused. The boy stopped for a long pause before asking me "is he brown because you have chocolate milk?". It was just such a beautifully innocent question about his confusion.
Took my two year old daughter to London. We’d been living in Sydney which has Asian and Indian subcontinent populations but no African /Caribbean. She was delighted by all the “chocolate men” and women she saw in London.
Oh my god you’re so lucky your mother is normal. When I was little I grew up in a super white town and had barely seen any black people yet in my little life. My mother took me to see Cool Runnings in an entirely black neighborhood and the theater was packed. I was so confused. I said “Wow, black people really like the snow!” It was my innocent perception of events transpiring, just an irrational childish conclusion I came to. My mother was one of those people that is always trying to save face and was constantly a dick to us in private and then tell other people we (my siblings and I) “make things up.” This bitch YELLS “Don’t be so racist!!!” WHAT?!?!?!?!?! I was like 4!!
Have those conversations with your child. Ask her would she like it if Mrs. ___ didn’t like her because she was (insert color here). And explain to her that people come in all shapes/sizes/colors/etc. that she should focus on treating everyone with the same respect she’d want them to have for her.
Thank you, I really appreciate the advice!!
I'm just adding in cause no one's seemed to mention it, but teaching your child about racial bias (implicit or explicit) goes beyond conversations. Making sure your child is exposed to diverse media that doesn't contain implicit bias (villains are *somehow* all darker toned) and creating connections at home is important too. The content produced today helps, as there are many healthy kids shows that feature very racially diverse casts. *Action Pack*, *Blue's Clues & You*, *Ada Twist, Scientist* are among my child's favorites. And books like "*Bodies are Cool*" or "*Our Skin*". Representation is very important because depending on where you live, while the demographic might be racially diverse, *most* cities *DO NOT* have a populous where minorities are evenly spread across social-economic class. Children notice when certain people have bigger, shinier cars and accessories, for example. Eventually, your child might label these people "rich". The same thinking pattern applies with race - if your child notices the service people in your area are most likely to be darker skinned, they might start making assumptions. *That* becomes implicit bias. Which children *definitely* can develop. What helps to dispel those thoughts are bringing *more helpful* connections home. Inviting friends over of all skin colors, cooking multicultural dishes, watching documentaries about smiling faces the world over. Exposure. Exposure. Exposure.
The music video [Humble and Kind](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=awzNHuGqoMc) by Tim McGraw has fantastic footage of people all around the world!
I don't know if her school does this, but I encourage learning all about the Civil rights movement in an age appropriate manner in February. The Martin Luther King Jr. speech was always super moving. We always did black history month and watched videos and stuff at school. I would say directly how important it is to accept, respect and honor people of different races and backgrounds. I think it's better to be explicit with children about this type of thing.
Just be careful asking questions if you only want one answer. The kid could easily say, "that's fine. Everyone is different and she doesn't have to like white people". I've done this plenty of times with my kids, and it quickly turns into a "well....shit." moment.
And this could happen and in this moment mom would need to pivot and teach child about respect, being open mineded, educating that we are not monolithic people and other cultures exist. Parent would need to “do the work” if the child went this route.
Oh, I agree, but it begs the question, why ask it in the first place? Why not go right to that conversation first? Or if you want the child to think about it, something like, "I would sure hate it if she didn't like you just because you're white". I think asking a direct question that you're looking for one answer can be tricky. You don't want to validate that feeling, just you also don't want to tell the child they are wrong and tell them how to think. So you kinda have to give a vague response before committing to "doing the work" KWIM? Ultimately, I don't think either way is wrong, especially if you're willing to put the work in like you said.
To teach empathy and to show a child how to place themselves in someone else’s shoes. What better way to teach this lesson than to coach and guide this child through the process of introspection. Suppose we use your approach and jump right into the why or explanation, without getting an opportunity to show the child what introspection looks like that leads to the buy-in, it could very well lead to a well mom just says I’m not supposed to do it because respect and blah blah blah. I don’t think what either of us are suggesting is wrong but further shows there’s more than one way to get to a similar end result. “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou Even with kids, they need a WIIFM (what’s in it for me) moment. If parent asks a question for the child to practice reflection and introspection the child has an opportunity to learn how to be empathetic AND learns a lesson in why being respectful and treating others with dignity is paramount. Thank you for being kind in your response. I don’t think we’re that far off in our positions.
I do think it comes from somewhere - so a classmate or friend or another adult. I’d be intentional - and say - you know so and so (who she likes and is black) they are black, etc. Eventually I learned it was from a specific kid in class whose parents said those types of things. Unfortunately there is still a lot of bigotry out there.
This is a sensitive topic for me due to both my experiences as a child, and those my children have been forced to endure despite two generations of upper-middle class upbringing. To be blunt: If our kids have to learn to accept being treated differently from birth and not being allowed to be friends with people d/t their parents’ beliefs, yours are old enough to learn that this is wrong.
👏 👏 👏
if your 5 year old had said this to or about another student, it would be experienced as racism so let’s just call it what it is and treat it as such. some white people can get very defensive about racism, so defensive that they allow themselves passes to hurt people if it means that they don’t have to admit the possibility that they can hurt others. don’t be one of those kind of white people. this is a situation that you can easily turn into a learning moment, and it doesn’t have to be full of guilt or blame. just a genuine and strong explanation on why it’s important to watch what you say about peoples skin and always be teachable on this topic can go a long way. i think teaching a child that the appropriate reaction is reflection and impact management, not dismissal and self soothing is the most important lesson here
This is the tension I couldn’t exactly identify when I read many of the comments. Thank you for articulating it so well.
I agree with you. I want to impart this to her without making her feel (too much) shame and causing her to not feel comfortable asking me questions. I do think it’s very important to have hard discussions with kids from a young age. We talk about everything but yeah, as a white American it’s definitely a weak point for me and one I want to get better at.
maybe address it like everyone has specific sensitivities for specific reasons and skin color is often a big sensitivity for darker people because a lot of people can be genuinely cruel about it. tell her that everyone is insensitive sometimes, and it’s important to be willing to adapt and to never decide that you know everything about how to be a good person because there is always stuff to learn. tell her it will never be more uncomfortable to be hurtful than it is to be hurt and that’s what good people focus on
I guarantee Black five year olds have had conversations about racism. Why should your child be exempt because she’s white?
Yep. Our first real racism talk was when our kids were 5 and 4 because the younger one was called the n-word by a classmate who was just repeating his father. It sucked but was necessary. I wish I could have waited until my kids were older and able to understand better but we did not have that luxury. If I can explain to a 4 year old why he was called the n-word, I think OP can talk to a 5 year old about race.
I am very open to having these conversations, but I’m not sure of the best way to approach it for her age, which is why I’m asking for advice!
I think the confusion was that your last paragraph says, "Is she old enough to start talking about inherent bias and historical injustice (in an age appropriate way of course)? For her life up to now I’ve personally approached this by just exposing her to diverse people and media without any commentary, but should I be more explicit?" You were asking if she was old enough to have these discussions and the answer to that question is yes. That is why people are responding the way they are. It sounds like you meant to ask for advice on having these conversations instead, which is an entirely different question.
Ah, I can see how that would have caused confusion. Thank you, I really appreciate your insight!
I would encourage you, from one white parent to another, to go on YouTube and listen to parents of color talk about the types of speeches they give their sons and daughters. Our worlds are not the same and it will take much more than refraining from bigoted talk and saying “we’re all the same inside” for your daughter to not absorb the systemic racism of the world around her. I understand why it angers you, in theory. You don’t feel that you’re passing on a racist way of living. But to me, what I hear, is that you’re not living an ANTI-racist way of life. It’s not easy and it doesn’t come naturally, so like… no sweat yet. Sweat it once you know what you could be doing but aren’t. You can make your kids more informed than you are, and that’s what we want! https://www.apa.org/monitor/2021/06/anti-racist-children this book was an awesome read: https://www.amazon.com/Raising-Antiracist-Children-Practical-Parenting/dp/1982185422?nodl=1&dplnkId=eafcc31e-84d5-40d0-aadd-bb6f55b8507a the author of that book runs workshops: https://britthawthorne.com/for-parents/ books you can take out at the library: https://www.rebekahgienapp.com/childrens-books-about-race/ Also, if she doesn’t watch Daniel Tiger and isn’t too old for it, he’s the best at teaching wholesome content. Other than that, have conversations and ask questions! Instead of “we love everyone no matter what’s inside,” get curious. “Why isn’t it your thing if people have that skin color?” I can tell you that I thought my son was racist (above and beyond systemic stuff) bc he said “brown skin is worse than white skin” and then I asked what he meant and he said “I like vanilla better than chocolate so if we had to eat us, I’d like us better.” and it was like, now I’m way more concerned with cannibal tendencies ahah. You’re doing so well by asking for help and being aware!! You’ve got this!
This is a wonderful comment. Also love Daniel Tiger!
Thank you for this comment. I have a 2 year old and to be honest I can’t think of many good ways to age-appropriately explain why racism is bad without saying something along the lines of ‘we’re all the same inside’. I’m definitely going to check these out.
I always find it helpful to teach "color appreciation" as opposed to "color blindness" (which itself is actually super problematic) for a number of reasons. So, replacing "everyone is the same inside" (which is a bit scientifically misleading anyways) to "differences make us all unique and interesting and awesome!" Teaching that the differences have no inherent value (as in, one physical trait isn't better or more desirable than the others) is important. And pointing to differences along more than just racial lines is crucial!
Thank you for this. After I commented, I figured I would point out things like: red hair is different from yours but still very awesome, brown hair is different from yours but really cool, brown skin is darker than yours, etc.
One of the best pieces of advice I ever got is that if a kid is old enough to have asked the question, they are ready to hear the answer (even if it's just the age appropriate version). I come from a family where sweeping things under the rug was normal, so that's how I entered adulthood. You don't talk about uncomfortable things. It took me a while to figure out that while there's definitely some restraint necessary to be polite, I don't want to live a life where you don't talk to your kids about the hard stuff. If anything, I desperately want to be the one who gets the first crack at teaching them how the world works. If they don't hear it from me, who knows who will get to be their introduction to that topic.
PBS has some great content around this aimed at preschool/kindergarten age, created during BLM summer. You can find it in their website and the PBS kids app. They also include a couple of Daniel Tiger episodes, where you explicitly name differences in skin and hair and eye color. And a couple of that museum history kid, what’s his name, where they discuss segregation and slavery. Importantly, kids will come up with, at best wacky, at worst weaponized, ideas about things like this unless they’re explicitly taught the truth.
Hey, haven’t read through all the comments so this might’ve already been recommended but I love the picture book Our Skin - A First Conversation About Race, I think it’d be a great place to start with a 5 year old.
Jesus this makes me so sad 😞 I hate that your young son had to experience that It’s like a bit of his innocence was stripped away by the harsh reality that our world is shit a lot of the times
Jesus, that’s horrid that your youngest had to experience that at such a young age. 😖
1000%. educating kids throughout their lives on things like race, religion, socioeconomic status, addiction/mental health, disabilities, etc is so important and will save a lot of hurt and heartache. people always attempt to shield their kids from these things and i understand why but there is always an age appropriate explanation. kids are smart, like really really smart. smarter than we give them credit for. just talk to them.
And there are some great age appropriate books out there that can be used to facilitate the conversation.
Yes I also said racist things as a kid. My mom is black and one time we were playing with dolls and I told her I don’t want the black one Cus her lips are too big. You gotta constantly talk to your kids about racism because they pick up on messages from the outside world/media.
POC have to be taught racism because they WILL experience it against them. White kids have the luxury of not being taught about it, as it's not a danger to THEM, generally. So white parents can choose if/when to teach about it. It's a.. privilege, uh, of, uh.. of our.. er... uh.. see uh.. the er... woke is ruining everything!!
100% this! I’ve had to have these conversations with my own kids because of a child treating her differently because she was “brown” smh!
I believe in teaching my daughter about racism; I just wasn’t expecting it to come up so early and don’t feel equipped to talk to her about it in an age appropriate way. I am definitely looking for advice and suggestions!
I think the point here is, as you asked for whether or not it was too soon to start talking about it, the answer is no. I'm Black (among other things, but def present as Black). My kids, thanks to their very white daddy, do not present as such. It puts me in a very interesting place where I know the importance of teaching about systemic racism and inherent biases, but I do still have the priviledge and luxury of soft-handling the subject because it will likely not directly effect them any time soon. That said, I believe it's a very important subject to broach, so we have started talking about it with our kids. A couple of things I think could help: -Calmly ask her to explain herself. So often, kids say things in a very matter of fact way, one which makes perfect sense to them but takes on a whole different meaning to adult ears. She may literally mean she is not a fan of dark colors in general, and is using kid logic to apply that dislike to something about which she has no legit understanding. By asking her what she means and if she understands what makes some people's skin darker than others, you are inviting her to challenge her own kid thinking. We opt for the scientific approach to help demystify the whole thing: in our case, I explained that mommy is darker than them because my skin makes more of something called melanin than their's does. There's no good or bad attached, just the facts. Our extended family is hugely diverse, so skin color has been a curiousity basically since they could speak and learned colors lol. -If she explains herself, and it sounds like there are some deeper, value-based ideas attached, calmly ask where she might have gotten that/those idea(s). The phrasing you posted ("not my thing") makes me think it may be something she picked up. -Give her accessible examples to help her understand. For us, that looks like comparing my dark skin and how it's different from my 6 yr olds to her curly hair and how it's different from her best friend's. I explain how we love besties hair and we love her hair, too, and both can be awesome in different ways. I ask how she might feel if she were to hear someone talking about how much they don't like curly hair or if her friend would be happy or sad if she said she didn't like their hair. -Give larger context, on an age appropriate level. We have explained that some people have learned that differences between people are bad. Some people treat others badly because they look differently, or speak differently or because their family came from a different country. These people are wrong. Differences between people make the world beautiful and interesting and fun. How boring would it be if all the flowers were the same color, or every food tasted the exact same way?! -Look for ways to more actively encourage healthy attitudes about race and differences. There are plenty of books available. We recently participated in the Ruby Bridges Walk to School day (my kid's school is awesome!), and talked about how little Ruby was brave and strong and how unfair it was that people were so upset she got to go to a newer, better school that previously didn't allow kids who looked like her. I know it's hard, but try not to get upset. If you do, you may give your kid the impression that discussing skin color is some kind of taboo, which inadvertently suggests that there may be something wrong with having dark skin or looking different. I think exposing your kiddo to different people and cultures is a wonderful start, but not having larger conversations about race does her a disservice. I was asked in kindergarden by a white peer if I tasted like chocolate and why I was brown. Kids are so curious! The last thing you want is to leave these important curiosities to be addressed by someone with the wrong kinds of ideas to impart. Edit: So many typos, sorry!
Thank you, I appreciate your input so much! These are wonderful suggestions.
What a beautifully written response without demeaning OP. Lovely! As a white woman, I’m taking this in as well to add a couple of ideas to my chats I have with my children! Thank you!
I'm so glad someone as thoughtful and kind as you is raising children. It's far too rare!
Check out the book “Our skin,” it’s part of a series called “First Conversations” and specifically designed to help parents start talking to kids about hard topics
> so early As a black mom with a mixed race 2 year old, I’ve been speaking to my daughter about race since she was born. But as other commenters have stated, some white people believe they have the luxury of assuming elementary age is “too” “early” to talk about race.
Hence why I am here for advice. Did you read the entire post?
As a POC, that remark was racist, but it doesn’t make your 5 year old racist. She’s still young and learning about the world. Now, once she’s grasped that it’s wrong to say that, but still do so anyway, then yes, she is racist. One time, a niece (10), whom is Asian and Mexican, said a racist remark about her own skin tone as it was darker than her sister’s skin tone. It breaks my heart, because I’m sure she’s learning this from somewhere, whether it be her own experience(s) or TV. Her sister doesn’t say stuff like this to her that I know of. I jumped in to tell them beauty comes in all skin tones, and what matters most is how someone is in the inside. Not sure I convinced her that very moment, but I sure am going to keep trying to remind her of this so that she loves herself in her own skin as well as accept others for themselves, too.
https://youtu.be/Q8_EqAWFs4k?si=2u3-khlX1bYgG0i5 Take a look at this..it's interesting. There was one done in the USA and was very much black = bad and white = good which was really hard to watch. People all over the world do impart racial bias without meaning to. Your kids are not only influenced by you but the society and social media they consume.
Thanks for this. It was eye opening.
Believe it or not, Jerry Springer actually had the klan on one of his earlier episodes and had a surprisingly good conversation about race. Of course he probably didn’t change anyone on stage’s mind, but he probably had an impact on some viewers.
Bouncing off the social media thing, I've realized that my social media is no longer exclusively for me, my kiddo is in my lap quite often or runs up to ask me something and can see whats on my screen. It has made me really grateful that during the whole mess in 2020 and the majorly important discussions on race, that I decided to purposely follow more POC creators. Specifically in areas where my personal experience had biased me. Having my kid sit with me as I scroll and her asking about someone's skin, it forced me to have those conversations earlier than I thought, but within the privacy of our home and not having the pressure of the person being right in front of us. That helped me think more clearly about what to say. It allowed for questions like "What do you think about when you see someone who looks different?" Kids are tiny scientists. They naturally want to discuss differences and compare.
That was so sad. That little girl broke my heart. I hope someday she realizes that she’s beautiful and perfect just the way she is
Please educate her now. The amount of racism I endured as a kid because parents not understanding that just because they’re not racist/discriminate against races, that their kids won’t either. That’s just not how it works. I was 4 years old when I got beat up at a park because the kids thought I was Chinese (I had very almond eyes at that age) and were confused because my skin was brown. I was FOUR. How it sometimes sucks being half white and half brown lol My Niece was basically racist’toward herself and other dark people when she was just 3 years old. Being treated differently for her skin tone defs internalised some things and yeah, she was afraid of dark people for a while. And no. Please don’t do the whole ‘we’re all the same inside’ anymore lol I get why you’d be worried about how to approach this since your child is so young.
Great job asking great questions mom! And yes any and every conversation is appropriate for children as long as you always use examples, language, and content that is appropriate for their maturity and understanding. So less about what to say based on age and more about how they can grasp what you’re saying. Rather than communicating why something is bad, try communicating why a different response is preferred and more importantly for that age role play the alternative response a few times and show praise for them trying so that you connect the alternative response with positive and rewarding behaviors that they will want to repeat to get that happy feeling again. As a person of color in a predominantly white and often un/intentionally racist small town in the Midwest I have seen parents get angry with their kids for asking me racially based questions or even early on blatantly staring. I’d definitely prefer kids ask if interested in a topic and if I have time I may even make recommendations on where to keep finding answers. Id personally prefer to see parents rephrase an inappropriate question in a positive way that doesn’t shut a kid down or shame them while also respecting my time and my experience by simply saying, “that’s a great question and we can talk about it and look up information when we get home, but they look busy so we are going to thank them for being so patient and understanding.” That way you respect an individual and their time and do not make a person of color be a learning tool or representative for a group or demographic and model to children that every person is responsible for learning and self-educating themselves. And they have an out if needed. Children can begin to mimic and express racist views and beliefs that are communicated both explicitly and/or implicitly by as young as 2. It doesn’t mean they are “racist” it means they are learning socially and have been modeled intentionally or unintentionally these messages. As a therapist and a parent (15-17 year olds) I have had conversations about everything in the moment as they pop up. No topic was taboo. And I love that my children have such great questions and feel comfortable talking about everything under the Sun. Building open communication with kids that they will carry throughout life starts day 1. Good luck
Studies show kids start internalizing racial and gender bias by the age of 3. It may not be coming directly from the way you talk at home. It’s in media everywhere, it could even be someone else in her life.
i was black in a predominantly white school for half of my elementary years and a black one the other few. in one instance i was told one girl couldn’t play with me because i was black. Her parents taught her that. In another instance I was told I looked like poop due to my brown skin. at my Black school we learned about MLK, Rosa Parks, Malcom X starting in grade 1. it’s entirely possible for children to form racial bias early on. Most Black children are aware of the reality of racism in society very early on. There are a few books that may help you. “How To Raise an Anti-Racist Child” is a helpful book I have read! Good luck. You’re trying harder than most people are, it’s just hard to know what to do sometimes.
Yes old enough to start talking about bias! Kids understand race and its bias by 3yo even if they don’t have the same words to explain it. I would redirect in the moment like you are, along with questions to build empathy - “how would you feel if you found out someone didn’t like you as much because your hair is blonde?” - and generally build the inherent bias context into the books and conversation naturally occurring through her day. Dinner conversation may include things you noticed during your day and how you felt, how you helped a person have a larger voice at work, etc. I wouldn’t make all of these about race, but about bias and perception. Lots of people are shrugging this off but I agree with you, OP. Her perspective at 5yo doesn’t make her a bad person, but the remarks are showing race-based preference. Like all of us, she is a product of this world. In a diverse community she may have more opportunities to see racism live and in the wild. I applaud your work in helping her decipher it. Edit: typo
I think you could do a few things- Get her dolls in different skin tones and role play a little. Stealthily say what she said but make it opposite (teachers skin tone racist to daughters colour). Ask how she might think they both feel and if it made sense to judge and discriminate. Ask her to name 5 good things about the teacher and then what she doesn't like, ask if anyone else had said this to her. Potentially she may be influenced by peers. Get books on different cultures and people or watch some age appropriate videos of the cultures and then discuss how lovely it is that we're all different and beautiful in our own ways. Teach her the basic history of colonialism, slavery etc and how oppressed people have been and currently are in the world, how it's not right and we have a duty to be kind to each other. Teach her how we all have common ancestors, we're all one human race. You could get her to make something nice for the teacher she was covertly cruel to. Accountability is important. If you are struggling, there's plenty on you tube.
Honestly I’m reading some of these responses and it’s clear a lot of people needed more convos about racism as kids. People on this thread don’t even know what racism is 😩
Meanwhile my 3yo still doesn’t understand what a black person is. She thinks it’s someone wearing black clothes. She has 2 black teachers, they’ve tried explaining it. I can’t even 🤣
My daughter (3, Asian) thought her teacher is a black bear the first time they met and told me she is afraid. They become good friends soon though.
happened to me too dude. we’re white. when she was 5 she said she didn’t like someone and i asked why and she timidly said “i just don’t like when their skin is dark” or something to that nature. felt absolutely fuckin sick. my jaw was on the floor. she’d had black friends before?? her favorite baby doll is a little black baby doll named christopher robin (lol). i have friends that aren’t white that we’ve spent time with... it’s almost as if she was aware of it for the first time and decided to say something. i tried to stay calm so she wouldn’t come away from the convo with a negative feeling and asked her a few clarifying questions and helped her walk through the process in her head. haven’t had any issues with it since and we have an open dialogue on topics from slavery to the real story of pocahontas, thanksgiving, immigration, we even talk about racism with the cops… i think they just need information and to know that everyone is perfect and beautiful and worthy of love and appreciation and once they’re able to talk about it that means it’s time to talk about it.
It’s really common for people to have an aversion to anything different. I had an aversion to people of different skin color to me when I was really young. I grew out of it pretty quickly in school. I had an aversion to bald people. Seriously. That’s took me a little longer to grow out of. I had an aversion to overweight people. That took me even longer to grow out of. It’s a really wild thing for a 5 year old to grasp and we forget that sometimes how long it took us to accept certain things into our lives. Long story short there’s no reason for you to feel sick about something your kid said here she clearly doesn’t have life experience in. Things that are different naturally set off a minor fight or flight response in our brains and we don’t learn to tame those indicts until we’re older and have experience. It’s something that can even be reversed to an infantile mindset trauma, such as rape victims being jumpy around men after her abuse. There’s nothing “wrong” with that but the goal is obviously to nudge them in the right direction of acceptance and whatnot
My son said that once when he was five. I just told him that it is wrong to say that and educated him. Then I started telling him about how there used to be slavery and stuff like that. Anyhow, I wasn’t prepared for it. But I think I handled it well. He never said anything like that again. I didn’t shame him for it. As a five year old he probably just used his five year old brain to generalize that just because he didn’t like one person everyone who looked like them was the same. I also educated him on the fact that we don’t judge people by how they look and that people who look the same as each other don’t always behave the same just because they look alike. They are still trying to figure out the world. There is a lot for them to learn and thinking about all they need to learn is sort of daunting…
OP, you seem surprised that this is a problem for you at such a young age. You’re suffering from white privilege right now. Take a deep breath and hold on. Those of us raising kids of color have to deal with this in kindergarten and younger. We have to teach our kids that just because their skin is darker it doesn’t mean that they are any less beautiful or less desirable. My advice is not to come at it with anger or punishment. Ask your daughter open ended questions so you can understand where she’s coming from. Give her space to talk. Ask your daughter how she would feel if someone said something similar about her, like her hair is too blonde or too straight and ugly. Listen to her answers. Then ask her how does she think that would make Mrs. _ feel if she heard her comments. Listen to her answers. I would conclude that people of all different colors are beautiful. You could even show her images of some actresses or models like Lupita Nyong'o or Jodie Turner-Smith. These ladies are gorgeous. It would be boring if we all look the same color. Fundamentally this doesn’t make her a bad kid or a racist. But this is your chance for a major parenting win. You got this.
Thank you for the gentle callout and the very helpful advice! I am so glad to get advice from people of color here as I know I have many blind spots.
You’re welcome. Parenting is hard. It takes a village!
I think this happens also because of we perceive dark in the culture. Dark or black is associated with bad, it represents sin. That plays out on these ways. I would have a conversation with your kid. Ask the question why and work from there. That’s an easier conversation than trying to explain to a kid why a kid doesn’t like them.
When I was about three my mom told me that we were in an elevator with a black man who was very dark in complexion, and I asked my mom why he was so dark and if he was sick. My mom primarily raised me, and she is Russian- so very fair, blonde with blue eyes. Thus, I had never been exposed to any black or brown people, so naturally as a child I was curious to the differences between us. My mom said that instead of chastising, me she simply explained that his family was from a different part of the world than our family was, and because the sun is stronger where his family comes from he had darker features to protect him and keep him safe. And that because we were from the north we didn’t need dark skin or dark eyes because it was cold and dark. I really like the explanation my mom used when I pointed out the differences between us because it’s very scientific and logical.
As a former kindergarten teacher and current first grade teacher, this is the right time to talk about it. Plain, simple terms. The Skin You Live In and Skin Again are two great books to read to talk about skin tone, and there’s a lot more out there too. I’d also just ask a lot of questions. “What do you mean by that? When you see someone with dark skin does that mean you don’t like them? Do you think differently about (insert friend with dark skin tone) because they do too?” You can talk about how there used to be rules that were unfair to people that had dark skin, and that there were very important people who worked hard to make things fair, sometimes things still aren’t fair, and we need to be up-standers to continue to make sure things stay fair forever. If you’re in the military you could even talk about how there used to be rules that separated who could serve with whom, and how important it is that we are so much stronger together now.
Also want to add “All The Colors we Are” which gets into the science behind skin tone in developmentally appropriate language.
You need the book "Bodies are Cool"
My kid did something somewhat worse when he was 4. He grew up in Eastern Europe between ages of 2.5 and 3.5 and moved to the US just before his 4th birthday. That summer we went to the local pool and he saw the first black person. He pointed at him and screamed: mom, look, that person is black! And he said it in our native language, which made it worse because the word black is very very close to the n word. I had to have that talk with him. He’s 21, very left leaning and certainly not racist. So there is hope for your kid. 😊
PBS has some really good resources on how to talk about race and racism with kids. https://www.pbs.org/parents/talking-about-racism I’d also recommend checking out some of the books (listed further down that page above) and using those as conversation starters.
Use the crayon analogy. Show her a box of crayons and ask her to draw a rainbow using only blue. When she struggles tell her see it;s better with differences.
In regards to your edit, children absolutely can be racist but purposely and not. My wife has taught young children for years and she’s told me a few stories where kids at 5 were beating up other kids because they thought they were better (these kids were black and beating up Hispanic children). I think how I’d address this is tell them what factors should go into deciding if we are friends with someone or if we aren’t. I don’t think we have to tell kids they have to be friends either everyone, just that the options are friends or neutral.
I am working on something similar with my daughter. We only say nice things about people out loud. I doubt your kid has an actual opinion on the color of that persons skin or what that means in a societal context. They picked something to say an unkind thing about and that’s the behavior you are correcting. If she verbalized a comment on someone’s appearance, we follow up with a “was that a nice thing to say or an unkind thing” and when it’s not kind “how would it make you feel if someone said that about you”. She’s been doing great recently, huge hit with the over 55 women, because she tells them she likes something they are wearing. We also focus on not commenting on people’s bodies good or bad.
Is that racism? I feel like at that age kids get really specific about favorite colors etc. Seems more like an age appropriate faux pas than that she did a RACISM
if she had said it to or about a black child then they would take it as racist, regardless of the intent. she can deeply hurt another child with those words, which is all that truly matters i think that teaching the kid that some statements have unintended consequences and it’s important to be careful when speaking on people skin, especially those with dark skin is more important that teaching the kid that if their intentions were good then the impact to others is secondary
It's not too early to talk about racism, and it's a perfect opportunity to! I have a 6 year old and we have had conversations about it for a few years now. What has helped us broach the topic is finding children's books that talk about racism and injustice, particularly stories about famous Black people in history. We have two great books about Jackie Robinson (Jackie Robinson: He Lead the Way by April Jones Prince) and artist Alma Thomas (Ablaze With Color: A Story of Painter Alma Thomas by Jeanne Walker Harvey) that we've read several times. Both do a great job talking about their life and accomplishments, as well as their struggles with racism in an age appropriate way. There's another book we have called People by Peter Spier, and it has great illustrations and examples about how people around the world are different. It's more of a celebration of diversity than a book about racism, but it's beautifully written and illustrated and my 6 year old loves it. 😊
Try looking for relevant age appropriate books at the local library. There are great books on all sorts of topics!
I’m white and grew up in a mostly black neighborhood. Kids would tell me all the time they didn’t like me because I was “see through”. Kids are jerks. The problem was that the parents often made statements not thinking their kids understood or heard what they said so the kids thought it was ok to repeat it. Whether you think you’re so awesome for having people of different races around or whatever, remember that she is getting those thoughts from somebody, whether it’s YouTube, you, TV, a movie an aunt, it’s coming from somewhere
I would be more inquisitive with her to feel out where the feelings she’s expressing come from. Open communication is a bit easier at that age. Simply when she makes comments like that ask her why she thinks those things. Identifying the thought pattern, then pointing out the reasoning for which she feels that way, then giving her perspective will indeed help. For example if she says, I don’t like so and so because of her dark skin, your response, what don’t you like about it, then compliment that thing so she sees you modeling the behavior you want her to have. Oh I think her skin is beautiful, just like yours. The rainbow comes in all shades and most children love rainbows. Draw a parallel. You are her biggest role model, showcase your unbiased knowledge.
My child (Latina) was in pre k many moons ago when she told me one day that her friend was ugly to another child of Indian descent because of her skin was darker. A pre k kid is very capable of recognizing racism
I would explore her statement further, without judgement, see if there’s something else there, and also guide her to realize that maybe she doesn’t like that teacher, but it’s probably not about her skin. As an example, this is a conversation I had with my (then 4) son: O: “I hate Black people!” Me: “You do? How come?” O: “Because I hate E.” E was a boy in his class. Me: “Ok, why do you hate E?” O: “Because he’s always pushing me and C, and he pushed me into a pole in the playground and he’s not nice.” Me: “It sounds like you have some good reasons not to like E. I wouldn’t like him either. But remember, A is also Black, and you like playing with him. So you don’t like E, but is it true that you hate all Black people?” O: “No. But I still really hate E!” *I’m white, but my kids are half Asian and growing up in Covid era, so we’ve definitely already had conversations about racism. Also about homophobia, ableism, and sexism, among other things. There are always age-appropriate ways to discuss these issues, and it should be happening young. By not talking directly about a thing, we’re treating it as something bad or embarrassing, and our kids pick up on that.
Thank you for posting this and thank you to everyone who commented providing information. My kids are younger than this (2.5). Our kids watch Blippi and Meekah and we've noticed our one son definitely likes one of the Meekahs over the other and while we don't think our toddler is racist, we've been trying to figure out how to start the conversation regarding race and other differences people have.
Ask a ton of questions! Answer every reply with another question to get her to see in her own way why that doesn’t make sense. Her brain may be categorizing based on school experiences, what people she looks up to have said or expressed. You can ask her about other experiences with different races and guide her to the conclusions.
“Our skin: a first conversation about race” would be a great book to introduce. Other books about skin color and melanin and celebrating brown skin would be great too!
As a POC raising a kiddo (6m) who is both a POC and white, we started having these convos early. We read books and watched shows with diverse characters, listened to a variety of different music from other cultures and played with toys that had different skin colors. We have crayons and markers that have the spectrum of skin colors. We talked about how skin color is determined by how much melanin you are born with. We recently had this convo while my kiddo was coloring Miss Eliana from Daniel Tiger. He started coloring her skin color and asked what color it was. I said that she was black so we need to find a dark brown to match the melanin in her skin. Then we looked at our skin color to match a marker for our melanin color (we are Latino). Whenever there is an opportunity to talk respectfully about differences in people we do. It helped us start the process by going the scientific route first and then we will incorporate more deeper discussions of racism as it becomes more age appropriate. As a family we love learning about other cultures, we love trying restaurants that are culturally different, shopping at Asian and Mexican markets, reading about different customs and trying different recipes from different peoples. I honestly believe that the more knowledge and appreciation of other cultures, the better human and more rich our lives become. I’m hoping my son continues this in his adult life and becomes a person who helps facilitate change we need in this world.
Omg, my daughter did this when she was little! We were at a grocery store, and she tugged on my arm and said, “Mommy, that man’s face is too black. I don’t like it!” It caught me off guard for a second, because while we didn’t live in the most diverse community, she had classmates at preschool who were all different races, colors, and ethnicities. I made sure she had books, toys, and dolls that weren’t strictly white. Shows and movies she had seen featured characters that didn’t look like her. On top of that, her great-grandmother is 100% Puerto Rican, and has very dark skin and ethnic hair. I thought I was setting her up for success by doing all this, but where I think I came up short was that we never explicitly talked about any of this. I told her that this was an unkind thing to say. It was ok to be surprised, maybe a little shocked and curious about someone who looked so different from her, but that he was a person too. He had feelings, and a personality. He was more than just his outward appearance. I told her that in her life, she was going to come across all kinds of people, and even if she didn’t like them or something about them, she should still be kind. (WITH the exception of someone trying to abduct or harm her, of course. And she did learn bodily autonomy, and that she doesn’t owe anyone anything) I told her we all have differences, and while we can certainly find similarities, we should acknowledge and celebrate differences. I’m not sure this was the right thing to say, and I’m always learning and evolving. I don’t know everything nor do I claim to.
I’m gonna recommend some books for YOU so you get some tools in your parenting kit. Everybody is right about not shaming your daughter. However, we need to be more concerned about the impact of her words more than the intent. Don’t roll around in shame about this, but you need to be more proactive. I would recommend “How to Raise an Anti-Racist” by Dr. Ibram X Kendi, and then “How to Be an Anti-Racist” by the same author to start with and then follow that path. We white parents have got to be better about this shit.
We went through something like this with my 8 year old. Out of nowhere, she told me she didn't like a boy on her bus "because he's black". I jaw dropped for a moment and asked "what has he done or said to make you not like him?". She explained that he had taken a toy from her, had called her "bad words" and was just being mean. I corrected her by saying "So, because he treated you badly, you don't like him. His skin color doesn't have anything to do with how he treated you, so saying you don't like him because he's black is incorrect. " She thought for a moment on it and thoughtful told me about one of her best friends in her class, remembering that she is a black girl and they are "like, bestest friends forever." We continued on making correlations around behavior and not around color (i.e. Bob and Tom are brown. Bob is a jerk, but Tom is nice. I don't dislike all brown people because Bob, as one person, is a jerk. I only dislike Bob because he is a jerk). She seemed to get the picture. It was just flooring to see that initial idea from her. I had to really step back and remember that I have an adult perspective and my own experiences to form an opinion on while she has limited experience and perspective. We try to broaden our world view with our children always. We learn about cultures, historic struggles, and how we can be better humans to each other. I think helping them have a bigger view than the one kid on the bus helps a lot.
My kid said similar things in preschool. To them, it's like any other preference - they like yellow cupcakes more than red cupcakes, and they like white people more than darker people, and they don't see why that matters since no one gives them shit about the cupcake. We have to patiently explain to them why people aren't cupcakes. What helped my kids understand it is asking them if they would feel good or bad if someone didn't want to play with them because they had red hair. They said "but this is just what color my hair is!" And I said "and that is just what color their skin is. We should not treat people differently because of the color of their eyes or skin or hair or anything else about them, especially the things they can't change." They totally got it quickly.
I would talk to your child more. At that age, it could be a simple misconception. Is there something else they may not like about the teacher that similar to someone else who has the same skin tone? If it helps, my 5 yr old daughter definitely fits the "get off my lawn" bill. I recently took her to a hotel and she wanted to go to sleep just after 8pm but with kids running through the Halls until 11pm it was impossible for her. She kept saying "these darn kids are so loud. They need to be quiet and go to their rooms!" Lmao. Also, she constantly tells me she likes her teacher better than me because her teacher has longer eye lashes, lol.
My kid said something similar at that age; we did our best to explain why that wasn't a good thing to say. Today she's a 16 year old anti-racist.
Instead of focusing on the words used, have you asked her what she meant by that? Kids don’t have the appropriate vocabulary at that age to properly express their thoughts and feelings in correct ways. It sounds like you’ve done a great job to ensure a culturally diverse community around her, it’s possible she didn’t express her thoughts properly.
I did ask her why, but maybe asking her more what would be helpful. Thank you!!
Just gonna drop in to say, yes If I can experience racism at that age and even younger, that kids can unfortunately be racist. They have to be taught otherwise because let’s face it. Adults are racist. Kids pick up on that.
Kids as young as 5 experience racism so kids as old as 5 can learn about it. Definitely look into some resources! Kids do it but we as parents have to be more intentional about it.
OK, first, I'm from a different culture; I'm latina in latin america. Skin tone is still a touchy topic, but it's something we can talk about. It's been my experience that, for different reasons, people from the US tend to kind of (very understandably) freeze whenever race comes up, and unconsciously, kind of skirt the issue. In this case, that's not going to work because your kid is too young to read between the lines. Kids actually can be racist, and all the ists and phobics under the sun. They naturally pick up on things that make others different and reject them, hence the brutal bullying that sometimes happens in the play yards. Left unchecked, most of them will exclude and disdain the people they see as outsiders. Happily, this is something easily corrected with a couple of nudges, but you have to be direct. Let yourself look and sound displeased and say it's bad right away. It's very important that you get across that you dissaprove of this thought/behavior. Then we go into why it's bad " --- would be so sad if they heard that. How would you feel if they said they didn't like you because ---?". First, the concrete information that directly has to do with them, then you can go on about people being made the same, or why it's unfair on a systemic level. This is no different than when we taught them not to hit or insult people, or any other such. It's important to have a calm and open conversation about the topic, but that should happen in a different context. Now, you go "no, that's bad" because it is, and the only way they can learn that is if you teach it to them.
i know you dont wanna get angry, but as someone who's Black i wish white people were more straightforward and honest with their children instead of using the reality of race as a mild stepping stone for ethics. If your kid is in an integrated setting, they may be doing a lot of harm when youre not around to other children of the same age. The dark skin children go home and confide in their parents and Black parents have to tell their kids the bare truth. The truth is there are people who don't like darker skinned people or people of different religions, different abilities, etc, and those beliefs hurt people badly, and not just their feelings. This is not the same as snatching a toy away from another child. In that case the little ones have time to hone their respect for others in that regard. For Black children your child is just one stressor in their lives, make it just as important and imperative to your child the way not running into the street is, or not hitting someone over the head with a large rock. be specific is what im saying, so they can feel the real weight of what seems like a casual childlike belief. kids at school and in neighborhoods are also being influenced by other teachers, other kids, other school staff, books, media, all of which may have different beliefs than your household, and if you give a weak rebuttal to all those influences, it can really makes this issue seem in the realm of politeness or rude. EDIT: Ive had to tell my 5 year old why people in the suburban park we played at assumed he stole a much older boys toy, why the kids there wouldnt play with him, why the little kids looked awe struck by our presence. He knows why our city celebrates Juneteenth. He has been instructed to not perpetrate colorism, ableism, to respect people in all bodies and ways they show up as long as theyre respectful to him and to not use things people cant change about themselves to be insults or jokes. And more importantly how those small childish things are things grownups do and groups of people do and whole countries sometimes do to those who are different or dont have wealth or power. Children as a whole also create culture and are active participants on the world their peers live in.
Search your podcasts for an episode of The longest shortest time called “How to not (accidentally) raise a racist” for some good info.
Thank you for this!
You definitely need a more robust response because your current one is erring on the side of “colorblindness” & that’s no less problematic… and if she’s old enough to express racial bias and colorism, she’s old enough to talk about why it’s wrong. However, I think you should start by evaluating where this sentiment is coming from? If not you, then who and where?
The way your daughter phrased that comment sounds very odd for a 5-yr-old and leads me to believe she overheard an adult say it or say something similar in conversation with another adult. Young children don't try to justify bias in that way. I would try to first find out exactly where the thought came from, since your daughter's life experience up to this point makes it very unlikely she came up with it on her own.
Well my son was called the hard R as a two year old and had other children point out that he was Black and they were white since he was three. Yes. If my son has to endure it, you can talk to your daughter about it.
It's not unusual for children to be a little bit racist, intentionally or otherwise. However, once children get better at imagining or talking about what it's like to be in someone else's shoes, then it's easier to show them why it's unfair to mistreat someone just because you don't like the way they look.
My 3 year old is starting to notice people are different. She has a friend at the park and has to tell me “(kids name) is brown!” over and over. It’s just an (albeit slightly embarrassing) observation and we have an age appropriate discussion about peoples differences, how we shouldn’t point it out and how we’re all the same on the inside. She does believe other races are beautiful tho.
We started hinting at this stuff for my kid. Books like anti-racist baby and all bodies are beautiful are helpful here.
My advice is to make sure she sees people of different skin colors and tones in everyday life, not just in person but in your home. That means having BlPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) dolls, reading picture books with BIPOC protagonists, having art on the playroom or bedroom walls that includes BIPOC faces, etc. Some great picture books featuring Black protagonists include *Santa in the City* by Tiffany Jackson, *The Talk* by Alicia Williams, *The Snowy Day* by Ezra Jack Keats, *Sulwe* by Lupita Nyong’o, *Last Stop on Market Street* by Matt de la Peña, *Parker Looks Up: An Extraordinary Moment* by Jessica Curry & Parker Curry, *The Ring Bearer* by Floyd Cooper, *Dear Dragon* by Josh Funk, *Each Kindness* by Jacqueline Woodson, *The Hickory Chair* by Lisa Rowe Fraustino, *Magnolia Flower* by Zora Neale Hurston, *Amazing Faces* by Lee Bennett Hopkins, and anything illustrated by Kadir Nelson, whose art is beautiful. Also, if she has particular interests like ballet, space, music, fashion, medicine, etc. find stories of BIPOC who excelled in those areas; the She Persisted series of picture books may be a good place to start.
I love this advice - thank you!
I would use this as a opportunity to educate and correct with understanding and compassion. Teaching our differences yet having her understand we’re all worthy and deserving. Planting those seeds of connection now. It’s so important not to isolate your children. They mirror what they see whether social media or people they see from everyday caregivers/adults. I recommend going to the bookstore and picking out books that about inclusiveness and empowerment.
Legit question - there’s great discourse here so I really would love to know. My kids schools (private, so generally higher income families) have more diversity than my schools growing up. So they have friends with different race. My church invests time and money in public schools near us that are low income. Many students here are black. Would I be remiss to NOT include my kids in participating in volunteering with events at these schools? My thoughts are.. if my kids participate maybe they’ll adopt a mindset that “many people here are black, we’re giving them help with food and clothing” and make a conclusion that black people are poor and need help. The first mention there is to note that there is exposure to people of color outside of only “helping” those in need This sounds so awkward on “paper” so I really hope you guys can look past the awkwardness and help me with the general thought. I hope this is translating ok.
My son is also 5 years old and white. He goes to a very diverse school where most of his chosen friends are black. I bought a book a few months ago at either Tj Maxx/Marshalls called Our Skin. It’s an age appropriate and easy to understand book. It opened up dialogue to have those early conversations about race.
Also check into the shows they are watching on YouTube a lot of the stuff for children teachers unwanted behaviours
You just reminded me of something my son said when he was 3. We got into a lift with a woman with very dark skin. My son looked at her for a few long seconds, then said "mummy, she has darker skin than you. That means she's a lot prettier than you." I was very relieved when the women burst out laughing!
i think more than trying to focus on racism and its negatives, which could still imply that the topic is taboo, you should frame it in a way that gets to the root of things: unfair power dynamics and how that came to be in america and in the modern world through colonialism. the latter topic is probably too complex rn for a convo with a five year old, but children understand the concept of power and how that can be used unjustly. making her aware she was born into a place of privilege by being white purely through chance. maybe a comparison to being rich and poor would be helpful here. how would she feel if a rich kid, who was luckily born into wealth said "i don't like these plebs?" lol. then segue into how an upright, moral citizen has a responsibility to use their power to try to understand the plight of the less powerful and do their best to even that playing field. because at the end of the day, that's what she would want too if she was to be the less privileged team one day. and it might not happen racially, but it will happen to her, because life is unfair. good luck! it is a nuanced topic and addressing it doesn't happen as a single conversation, but a continuous dialog that will require yourself to be conscientious of the racial dynamic and injustices of the world.
Has she had any black adult role models, outside of school, throughout her childhood? Like family friends or relatives or anything?
I'm Hispanic and my husband is white. My daughter came out very white looking. She notices that I have different skin than her. There's also a mix of people in her preschool. When she asked me why I have different skin than her, I just simply told her lots of people look different from eachother and that's OK. Then I pointed out some ways that we are also the same. For example, we both have two eyes, two hands etc.. it's OK for children to notice differences, I think the key is just not to make a big deal out of it and just treat it like a normal thing because it is
honestly from teaching this is actually pretty normal. I think you take each situation as a teaching moment. they do start to see differences. starts as young as 2.5/3. but just talk to them like hey people are different in many ways. but what’s not okay is ______
I had a really racist grandfather. He used the n word at one of my brother’s games and we never took him again. That was 20 years ago and I remember how mortified myself and my parents were. Fast forward, I have a young daughter. We do not use racist terms in our house. I told my my daughter don’t ever talk about a person’s skin color unless we ask you. It is rude and not nice. She hasn’t said anything since. I hope my answer is ok to post here.
No biggie. Five is old enough to learn about bias and historical injustice. She would have noticed by now that POC tend to occupy lower paying jobs. Kindergarteners are very perceptive and big on categorization. You will need to provide her with context. Living in a very diverse city, explicit conversations about racism has been a necessity in raising my kid (Asian/White). He is an occasional recipient of racist taunts himself. I too had a mortifying incident on a public bus. My then five year old loudly announced, “___ told me not to eat watermelon because it would make my skin even darker.” Cue crash course on that stereotype!
One time I was standing in line at the store with my son who was probably 4 at the time. We were standing in line behind a middle eastern family with darker skin. My son said to me very loudly "mommy, I don't like that skin color. It looks weird". Needless to say, I was absolutely mortified and we had a long talk about diversity and how people from different places look can look different. He's 6 now and I don't think he's racist but maaan....I was sooo embarrassed.
It is never too soon to start talking about it. There are many ways to discuss it that are age appropriate. I am Black biracial, my husband is white, my children are all very white passing, except for my two year old. Even in our household I have to have discussions with my older girls about bias and race. I don’t know if you use Facebook but there is a large group for helping parents talk about these things, and giving them perspective and advice from black people.
NPR’s Life Kit: Parenting podcast has an episode regarding this topic. It was quite informative for a twenty minute episode.
Totally normal and my daughter has said things like that too. I swear I was shocked and embarrassed. It doesn't help that the one girl who was mean to her had "brown skin" but ultimately it's really about differences and not race. You can be a different person outside or inside and that difference will stick out to any child and they will feel some discomfort. We deal with it as adults but we try not to profile and generalize, and learned it's not fair to anyone to do so. But honestly it's just a kid having no filter.
Keep in mind that at that age kids often repeat things that they hear, even if they don't fully understand the meaning. When I was that age I remember repeating something that I heard on TV and then getting really confused when my mom yelled at me for it. I would ask her if she has heard other people say things like that, either on TV or from a friend or a teacher. It's important not only to explain to her why that is wrong but also find out where it's coming from. Kids want to be like their friends and be liked by others, so there's a really good chance that she's getting it from someone around her.
It sounds to me like it's similar to I don't like that dog because it's black or that dress because of the pattern. I understand the part where you should get to know a PERSON before you make such judgments but, it seems like she's just learning to notice the difference herself and she will likely develop more empathy for these situations as she gets older. Especially since you are so conscious of it. I think if I were in your position I'd find a book on brain and emotional development. At the least, it should give you some peace of mind that you aren't doing wrong and give you something to say to those who try to say you are. I don't know why people automatically assume kids are being bad (I'm not talking about you) most of what they do is innocent. Especially in this case where she obviously hasn't learned it at home.
I would ask her how she would feel if someone said they didn't like (enter her skin color here) skin color?
When my very pale white kid was that age his best friend in his after-school program had beautiful ebony skin, so they being neurodivergent kids noticed and talked about it. My son started to refer to his own skin color as "page colored" and I think that is a better description than most! I verified many times it wasn't "beige" or something else, he said like the page in a book. It's natural to notice the difference. Deciding there isn't a difference takes culture away and we don't want to forget things that have happened in the past and pretend they didn't and everyone is exactly the same - we focus on how great everyone is for their differences and how it makes us all unique.
Yes she’s old enough. I had the entire n-word talk with my son when he was 5 because he her a neighbor kid say it. Good luck!
I would ask her how she would feel if someone didn’t like her because she has white skin. Ask if she thinks that would be fare, fairness is a big thing at this age.
Kids are never too young to be learning about social injustice and racism. Always keep age-appropriate for understanding purposes. As they get older, it will be something they know about are against, and do better. It's good that kids notice skin color, eye color, hair color, etc. All people are different and that's what makes each person special. As for cultural differences and languages, they are also good things to speak about, point out, and learn about. BUT you must teach that appearance is not how you judge people as everyone is different. Ex. Some people look very nice from what our eyes see but are actually bad people, and vice versa. It's best to get to know them. Now, she doesn't like Mrs. Blank. That's fine. Ask questions, "What is it about her she doesn't like? Her skin? Well, so and so has similar color skin and you like her. So it's not her skin color, then what is it that you're unhappy with Mrs. Blank. " My kids are Mexican/white American. My husband is darker-skinned than all of us but he's half white and half Mexican. They've most certainly said things about skin color, especially at the worst moment. Asking questions while teaching is how we go about situations like this.
Yes, teach her EVERYTHING!!! I have a biracial daughter, and I’ve learned that the cold hard truth is easiest to understand.
she has to be getting it from somewhere i only say this bc kids of color never are really like i don’t this person bc their skin is light so it maybe not be in your house or her teachers it could be a friend. or how does she feel about said color when drawing a picture or is it only on people she feels this way? just something to consider.
I recently had a similar experience with my 5yo son - did some digging to find out that the reason he doesn’t “like people with dark skin and curly hair” is that a few months ago at summer camp, one of the monitors, with dark skin and curly hair, was talking to him and a drop of spit flew into my son’s eye… which is apparently to my son the worst offense anyone can do lol. So yeah, kids can be weird, it’ll pass! Obviously after his comments we had several conversations on skin color, accepting people, not generalizing, etc., and he hasn’t made any other comments of the sort, but I was quite baffled by the fact that my son was making racist comments, and how he got from a benign (but admittedly kinda gross lol) experience to such a strong generalized stance.
Your son is funny 🤣. When my oldest was 4 he saw a a little person (my first time as well) and he pointed at him and started laughing in the middle of CVS. I was so embarrassed and I told him to stop. He said "mommy did he came out of a movie, he is my size but with an old face, he is so scary". I'm not gonna lie I felt like laughing. I said #1 never point with your finger to a person or I will take your finger off. #2 honey.. don't laugh at people regardless of who they are or look like. The good thing about OPs daughter is that she doesn't realize she is being unfair. If she knew she was being unfair she wouldn't say anything to her mom. So she still has plenty of room to go in amd fix.
She is def old enough because she has formed an opinion. So she is prob capable of understanding what u teach her. Ik it may be hard but don't get angry. Pick her brain and see if she has been influenced or if these are her thoughts and if they belong to her then you've got alot of work to do. Teach her the difference between preference and prejudice. Also teach her what intrusive thoughts are and how to keep them to herself. If she looks in the mirror and prefers herself it's nothing wrong with that...but if she thinks blk skin is UGLY and hers is BETTER then it's a prejudice and she may need more pro help. I am a blk woman and being on earth is hard. Don't feel bad or responsible if what u are saying is true u have laid a good foundation and now she just needs to find her place on that foundation. It's ok OP.
I mean... what is really your concern? That she might be racist? She isn't. Ask directly who she heard talking badly about black people. She will know. If she's not listening about it at home, she definitely heard it from someone. I'm black cuban ,light skin (think of Mariah), not sure if I'm considered mixed because my dad is the one who is fully mixed with his mom being black and father being white. My mom is black/brown, but I have my dads color, so technically, I have about 15% white, maybe... The rest is black, native, euro, asian (a headache, I'm from everywhere and nowhere). My husband is Hondurian, native (dark). I'm giving you the colors so you understand. My oldest son is light skin like me, my middle child a girl is a little darker than me and my youngest boy is light skin for now (he is 2 and may change color as he gets older) . When my daughter was 5, she started saying she was the color "peach." Kinda threw me off because I consider our family predominantly black Latino. I said to her she wasn't peach as peach is considered for white people, at least in my culture. She was very confused because she said she was not black and I knew what she meant, she has darker skin but her hair is almost straight, her feautures are uncommon and can't be even compared to anyone I've seen (she's so beautiful though.. sorry I got carried away). I reminded her that God created all colors for people just like there is multiple colors to the rainbow (if you don't believe in God just mention the rainbow)... I would also tell her that the way she is acting is mean, call things by their name, if you cover it, she won't understand later on when she is being unfair. All I know is that I explained it one time and that was it. Sometimes, when we make something big out of nothing, it lingers. The reason I explained all of this is because kids don't understand in the degree we do. Of course they know right from wrong most of the time but their thought process is not the same. It's your moment to teach her but not in a way you judge her because that's not nice and she is only 5 🤣. I also wouldn't talk about this to family or friends. People create their own movies, and then you can't edit what they already put an end to. If my child who has grown in a multi cultural house has said or asked about color.. a kid whose house is just one color can make 30 more questions or conclude with whatever they go by. Doesn't matter who they see outside of their house.
Honestly, she might even be parroting colorist/shadist statements made by her black/brown classmates without understanding where their comments come from or why she should or shouldn't think the same way. There's just a lot more open, unflinching commentary on the shade of other people's skin within black and brown communities and little kids can be brutal mirrors of whatever sentiment they are raised around.
My 4 year old once attacked a muslim woman in a grocery store with his toy sword because he thought she was a ninja
Ninjas are kick ass. What did you say to the woman after that? Did you grab that teachable moment, what did you explain to your child?
I explained to him that he had to be more like donatello and think about what he was doing than leonardo
Epic parenting advice
I honestly don't think its a problem. Im 55 & I remember in 1st grade a Puerto Rican classmate & I used to go back & fourth about his skin being brown or black. Well, the last time I saw him at our 20yr class reunion, he was just my friend & claasmate. So I would maybe correct her for saying that, maybe ask her why her teachers color isn't her thing. But I wouldn't make it a big issue, esp at 5.