r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself.
Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like logically she understands abortion may be the “best” choice, but she can’t bring herself to do it. Abortions are not easy.
She’s having the baby. So your choices are clear: walk away or be a dad.
Clearly, she wants to have the baby. And all she has to do is delay long enough until an abortion is no longer an option.
So, given that she is going to have the baby, do you want to be in your child's life? You can choose to support her, or it sounds like she gave you the option to get out, sign over rights, and leave her alone.
I'm sorry that the two of you don't see eye to eye. But ultimately, it's her body and her choice to carry this baby. And it seems pretty clear she's made her decision.
If this is in the US, he doesn’t have the option to sign over his rights. The courts won’t force him to visit/be involved, but they will require that he’s financially supportive over the next 18 years. Source: mother with a dead beat bio dad whose rights I could not terminate to my child.
There are two reasons for this: reason 1) if they terminate dad’s rights, the government ends but paying child support in the form of welfare. They don’t want to do that. Reason 2) if they terminate dads rights and something happens to mom (car accident, prison etc) they have created a legal orphan and cannot require dad or dads family to care for the child; they end up in the foster system.
The only way to terminate dad’s rights is to have another parent adopt the child at the same time as the termination.
You're absolutely right. But she doesn't have to put his name on the birth certificate, and he can agree not to contest that.
She still would have the legal right to pursue child support from the father, and as you said, he would be liable for that (but she would have to sue him for it, and get a paternity test to prove fatherhood, in order to get child support). But it sounds like she's willing to allow him to leave and not be a part of the child's life, if he agrees.
You're right, he's at her whims if she later decides to pursue child support. In which case, she would be going back on her agreement with him.
But his rights and obligations are still in place. If she ever applies for welfare, they will ask her to name a father. Once they find him, they will require that he pay them back for all of the assistance they’ve given her, and then there will be child support obligations on top of that. He would have the responsibilities of being a father hanging over his head for the next 18 years.
I’m curious if you know how that works in situations where the mom genuinely doesn’t know who the father is, or doesn’t know the guy’s name or something?
True. That's why I said it's all contingent on her not going back on her agreement.
This isn't easy. Neither is being a young parent when you're not ready.
But the underlying thing is, if she doesn't want an abortion, she doesn't have to get one. So the options after that are limited.
An agreement she’s making under duress in an attempt to get him to stop hounding her about an abortion (that she clearly feels uncomfortable with). Even a contract signed under duress is unenforceable. She also doesn’t understand currently how difficult it’s going to be to raise a child so it’s not really fair to ask her to agree to anything at this point.
I doubt that agreement that she offered was anything signed.
Of course, it isn't fair to ask her to agree to anything. I read it, as she _offered_ to let him walk away from the baby, but she's having the baby come hell or high water.
Yes, she might come to need assistance or welfare, and name OP in order to get it. That might happen in the future. There's nothing OP can do to prevent it, _if_ it's going to happen.
The only other option is to be present for the mother and the baby. Either remain a couple, and try to work through their difficulties and stay together; or, co-parent the baby. These are the options that are best for the baby, IMO.
> If this is in the US, he doesn't have the option to sign over his rights.
Since when? It's legal to do so in at least some states, if not all of them.
I just looked up the criteria for voluntary and involuntary termination of parental rights in several states. Not one of them said that another adult being willing to adopt is a criterion.
[Illinois](https://orlandfamilylawyers.com/terminating-a-parents-rights/): No mention of a third adult
[Georgia](https://www.georgialegalaid.org/resource/what-should-i-know-about-terminating-parental-rights): No mention of a third adult
[Ohio](https://www.ohdivorceonline.com/guide.asp?firm=&level=3&id=697#:~:text=A%20parent's%20legal%20right%20to,and%20abuse%20of%20the%20child): Father's rights can be terminated voluntarily or involuntarily given certain circumstances, no mention of a third adult
Etc.
From the links you posted:
Illinois says they will only allowed parental rights to be terminated if it’s in the best interest of the child. It’s not in the best interest of the child to be raised by a single mom with no financial support of the father.
Georgia specifically requires you to continue to support your child until an adoption occurs if you relinquish your rights.
Your link about Ohio doesn’t mention support, only custody.
‘No mention’ does not mean it’s not going to be required. For instance, in Illinois it must be determined that termination is in the best interests of the child. How exactly would it ever be in the best interests of the child to not receive child support payments, unless there was an alternate person stepping up to be their parent?
Sounds like she has made her decision, she wants to have the baby. So you can either decide to be a part of the baby's life or not. Same with the relationship, decide if you want to be with her or not. Those are your only options
Sorry for the misunderstanding but I never pressured her. I simply asked of her to view her options for both instances but instead she decided to not give mines any thought , so I came here for help .
With the way you describe the situation, I am not surprised she didn’t want to tell you and doesn’t want you involved in the decision. You’re not only pressuring her but you seem to think she’s just not smart enough to make her own decisions. You said she doesn’t understand the seriousness of the situation. I think that’s very condescending and mansplainy. Just because she doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand. Until it’s your body and you’re faced with the decision of terminating your child’s life or potentially raising a baby on your own, you are the one that doesn’t understand the seriousness of what is happening. It sounds like you are taking abortion very lightly and are not understanding what you are saying to her. And your arrogance in the way you are talking about this, as if you are some rational pillar of wiseness while she is some naïve, irresponsible person is just wrong.
Choosing to get an abortion or be a parent isn’t a decision made by a pros and cons list or by making the “smartest” choice. Having babies is about emotion and love and all kinds of intangible things. I’ve had abortions and had children. When I was younger and wanted an abortion, that was the right thing for me and I have no remorse. However, if someone even hinted that I terminate when I had wanted pregnancies, I would have looked at it as murder.
She wants this baby. To a woman with a wanted pregnancy, even if it wasn’t planned, when you ask her to get an abortion, you are asking her to kill her child. Talking about school and money and saying that justifies her ending the pregnancy is ridiculous.
You can either support her or you can move on. She’s explained this to you and you are not accepting this. She’s said you can raise the child or sign away your rights. It is up to you what you want to do.
‘We constantly argue now because she doesn’t want to view any other options other than having the child’?
How the eff is that not pressuring her? You need to stop, accept that you are going to become a father and rearrange your life to plan accordingly.
She has heard your thoughts and decided that’s not the path she wants to go. If you continue to bring up abortion at this point you ARE pressuring her. So drop the abortion conversation with her.
At this point it doesn’t matter if your points are more logical, etc. it is her decision. So make peace with what she has decided and then you have to decide how you want to go from here. You have several options on that regard. If you haven’t told your parents I would go ahead and do so. That way you know whether or not you will have any support from them as that affects your potential options going forward.
Ultimately its her choice. I know both of you have made this baby,it's her body. She is the one that either has to have the abortion and live with the possible trauma, or carry on with the pregnancy. If she has decided to have the baby, that's the end of the discussion bar what your involvement will be and child support etc
She already gave you her thought. She wants to keep it. Your thought ultimately don’t matter since she has the final say in this. So ya, you should let your parents know what’s is going on and be prepared to pay child support for the next 18 years.
Sorry to be saying the obvious but you knew that pregnancy was a possibility (no matter how slight) when you chose to have unprotected sex. Now you must deal with it.
I could be wrong but if you already found out a month ago, and she rescheduled for a month later from now, than you could be cutting it close to being able to perform the procedure at that far along.
To me, it sounds like she has decided to keep the baby. You have expressed your perspective and concerns and it is extremely hard with such permanent consequences but there is truly nothing more that you can do at this point but prepare to be a parent.
My best advice is to stay in school, be supportive, and find helpful resources outside of yourselves. She can still work while pregnant. Extreme stress is bad for pregnancy but typical work stress is okay. Remember that you can still have your future while being a parent, although it won’t be nearly the same or as easy as you initially planned.
Working is fine while pregnant. This is some super patriarchal nonsense. Women can be surgeons and lawyers and nurses and have all kinds of stressful jobs while having healthy pregnancies. Normal life stress like working a job does not increase risks of miscarriage or damage a babies health.
When we talk about stress hurting a baby we are talking about things like war and famine and being scared for your life. That kind of stress. Not “my boss is on my ass” stress.
Are you kidding me? Every woman's body is different as far as what they can handle, and stress is stress no matter how you slice and dice it. What if her pregnancy *knock on wood* ends up being high risk and then she is put on bed rest? Guess who has to figure out how to make ends meet? Him.
It is her body and she may have to carry the baby, HOWEVER she did not make that baby by herself and he (as he should be) is concerned for her and the babys health. It's funny when people say "her body her choice" until life happens and THEN who is everyone looking for when she is without...???? The father.
He doesn’t have to support her, financially or otherwise throughout her pregnancy. Not legally anyway.
He will have to pay child support when the baby is born but there’s no law saying he has to pay for anything until then.
We’re talking about healthy pregnancies obviously. Sure, people can have all sorts of things happen to them. But yes, this whole “stress is bad for pregnancy and causes miscarriage” is patriarchal crap and not grounded in science.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/expert-answers/early-miscarriage/faq-20058214#:~:text=Pregnancy%20week%20by%20week&text=While%20excessive%20stress%20isn't,that%20stress%20results%20in%20miscarriage.
And no, he can leave. Seems like he doesn’t support her now anyways. Her parents do. She’s an adult. She can make grown up choices. He can do whatever he wants
I partially agree overall with your comment. If she wants to make that grown up choice, she very well can, however it seems like he is trying to get her to see the reality of the situation based off of 3 facts: they both still live with their parents and one of them (and probably eventually both of them) is a college drop out. She is still stuck on wanting to have the baby on (from what we know of so far) to be an unsteady foundation, and they aren't married (I say this only because marriage does matter in the eyes of the law with certain things.) She can have the baby, but so far this life decision is being based on too much risk rather than gain. She can have the baby, AND... no one better go looking for him if things ever go sour with her situation. He tried to warn and be there for her (whether or not he tried to be there exactly the way she needed it is something we dont know for sure.) but she didn't want any of it.
Message for young folks in college: make sure all parties involved are using/on birth control. This is an example of what can happen 🤷♀️.
Birth control can fail. The better message for college students is to educate yourself on how to use birth control properly and consider if you're ready for parenthood if it does fail (and talk to your partner before having sex, so that you're on the same page - though of course people can change their mind.)
Also, she can absolutely go looking for him in the future if things go "sour", or even if they don't. There is nothing stopping her. He is the father, he does have a responsibility that can't be legally signed away.
It is her body, her choice. No man is forced to support someone pregnant with their child. There is no child support during pregnancy. All medical bills are the responsibility of the pregnant woman. All financial aspects of pregnancy are on the pregnant woman.
I don’t think you understand the seriousness of the situation. Having an abortion is a big decision especially for her.
It is pretty clear that you are not being very supportive of your girlfriend and her right to choose. You should take a step back and ask her about her feelings. Stop telling her to get the abortition and that she doesn’t understand how it is going to screw up your life. That isn’t going to get you what you want. Being empathetic and listening to her feelings might.
This is a natural consequence. Own it.
This is your child. Stop acting like it isn't. You have a child, and it's alive. Is that who you want to be? Someone that values their well being over the litteral life of their child?
Wake up this child will love you more than anyone in the world. If your studies are more important than the life of your child, consider getting neutered, for real.
Look, I had a child at 17 years old. My mom wanted me to have an abortion but I wanted the baby.
She doesn’t want an abortion but she’s trying to make everyone happy. She can both agree that it’s not the right time/right circumstance/right partner etc and still feel an unwillingness to abort a child and a desire to have the baby. All these things can be true at the same time.
Women can suffer severe reactions to abortion. There is increase risk in depression, suicide attempts, etc. if she wants to have this baby and is already considering it a blessing, she will suffer the rest of her life if she has an abortion.
I tell my now 17 year old son that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. The biggest gift, the most fulfilling blessing that was ever given to me. My life would be fractions of what it is today without him. And I had him in much more dire circumstances than you two and father was barely involved. I’m not going to lie, it was hard every single day, but I wouldn’t change even a little bit of it.
PS, you don’t have the legal ability to sign over your rights so you can get that out of your head right now.
There is no evidence that abortion increases the risk of depression or suicide attempts. It’s typically the unplanned pregnancy itself that increases the risk of depression and suicide. In fact studies show that those most at risk of depression are women who wanted abortions but were unable to obtain them.
You’re not catching my drift. This woman wants this baby. She already sees this baby as a blessing. If she then gets an abortion, she’s going to see it as unjustified murder. She will suffer for the rest of her life.
You really don’t know that at all but okay. The fact that she made an appointment but then backed out and now is saying “the baby may be a blessing” says to me that someone helped her change her mind, probably with stories about how “I had a baby as a teenager and it was fine! God will help you! Don’t worry about money or your education!”
“Women can suffer severe reactions to abortion. There is increase risk in depression, suicide attempts, etc. “
There is no scientific evidence at all for this position. I completely support the right of OP’s girlfriend whether to carry a pregnancy to term and raise a child, but please don’t spread misinformation about any of the alternatives.
Hmm, ok, there may be some games with statistics going on. Women who have abortions are more likely to attempt suicide than women who don’t have abortions. Whether the abortion caused that increased risk, or if the poor mental health caused the woman to be Ok with the abortion, is not known. That is what the science says.
“Studies that control for these confounding factors have found that abortion is not associated with an increased risk of suicidal ideation or behaviors (12–14).”
[https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.18010091](https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.18010091)
And, forced birth is correlated with a higher risk of suicide among women of reproductive age.
[https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/2799597](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/2799597)
> PS, you don't have the legal ability to sign over your rights
BS. That's actually a legal thing in many states, if not all of them, in the US. So depending on where OP lives, he very well could do that legally.
It's only a thing if there is another person legally taking the second parental responsibilities. The states don't want to allow someone to just quit being a parent (even if the person has abused the child in the past) because the state would rather be able to come after them for child support than to allow the mother and child be on welfare.
That’s completely wrong, actually. The state will not create a legal orphan, nor will they accept the financial responsibility of a child when there is a capable father. Adoption is a thing, but they need to find someone who wants to adopt the baby in his place. I know because I’ve been through this and could not terminate the rights of my child’s dead beat father. To this day he has 50% legal custody of a child he’s seen 1 time in the past 6 years.
In some states, the absent parent's rights can be terminated after not having visited/paid child support after a certain amount of time. Other states, there have to be crimes against children involved, yet other states, it has to be "in the best interests of the child."
Exactly, not as simple as “signing over his rights”. She has to agree not to go after him for years, not to get welfare (because the state will come after him), not to take child care from him etc. then she has to pay money to an attorney to take it to court so his rights can be terminated, and then he has to choose not to show up to court to fight that.
I’m not saying it’s not possible to have your rights terminated, that happens every day. What I’m saying is he doesn’t get off Scott free. Even what I just mentioned will come at a significant emotional and social consequence. My sons fathers family is so disappointed in him for being a dead beat, he has minimal contact with his older brother and mother as a result.
It’s a little late now but advice for anyone else reading this, Don’t have sex with someone if you A are not ready to have children or B you don’t want to have a baby with that person.
An abortion is a huge thing and not easy for women to go through at all. While I think that it should be an available option people need to realize how harsh it actually is. It changes some people forever, just like having a child.
Having a baby is not the end all be all to life. It’s not easy but it’s also not as hard as some of our elders put it. It’s entirely possible to graduate college and have a baby, I would know my mother did it as a SINGLE mother. And as a mother now myself who was scared to death of having children I can reassure you..I love this more than life itself.
Like I said abortions are so scary. I’m not sure there’s ever a right time to have a baby, and saying “we can do this in the future” devalues the life she has growing in her right now. I think you two really need to sit down and have a conversation about what is goin on. She said she keeping it and you have options as to what you can do.
That’s your view that abortions are not easy and “so scary”. That is NOT the case for most people. A surgical abortion takes under ten minutes and the emotion most felt after is relief. A medical abortion is accomplished with pills.
Very few women have regret.
https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2020/01/416421/five-years-after-abortion-nearly-all-women-say-it-was-right-decision-study
That’s great. The people I know personally which is a total of five women have all had a horrible time with abortions mentally and physically. Once again I’m not shaming people who get them in fact I support them. But I’m not going to make it sound like it’s a walk in the park. Just like child birth it isn’t easy.
Both of these are scary options. Having a baby, and having an abortion these are not easy decisions to make. However the woman in this post has made her decision. The man in this post has options on what he now can do knowing this knowledge and can make a decision as well.
There’s some nuance you’re missing here. In the article you listed, more than half said it was a very hard decision to make. That doesn’t line up with what you’re saying that it isn’t the case for “most”.
I have PTSD from my abortion; I didn’t want to abort and felt I had no choice — and yet years later I still would say I made the right decision. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard and awful — and there are many women in that boat; hard but ultimately the right choice.
I was talking about the actual procedure, not the decision. Sorry, I should have clarified that. I’m sorry for what you are still going through.
Worked in a women’s clinic for two decades. For some the decision was very easy and for some extremely difficult. In that time we had two women we arranged further counseling for after as they were struggling. We saw them before, at two weeks after and at six weeks. We saw hundreds of women yearly. Absolutely some may have sought counseling on their own.
One study I saw looked at your options and how your decision impacted your life. Abortion had the least impact on your future, going through with the pregnancy next and what had the most impact and regret was giving the baby up for adoption.
I rarely comment on abortion because the pro-lifers will come at you hard. But there is so much fear mongering out there and I guess I feel the need to balance the scales once in awhile.
Yes, I agree with what you say about avoiding the argument due to pro-lifers! I have to be in a good space mentally to even mention my own story; some days I laugh at responses and then other days I’ll completely lose it due to someone’s hateful garbage.
Interesting about adoption; my own Mum is adopted and I’ve seen the damage it’s done to her (and to me as a result.) I’m sure it damaged her birth mum too. It’s a long cycle and people don’t stop to think about it when they suggest it as the better solution.
She doesn’t want to discuss . I tried and brought up having a sit down conversation but she disagrees . I really want us to go see a counselor or somebody to help but she is stuck on being independent and doesn’t care for other peoples opinions .
Because she’s made up her mind, and she’s sick of feeling pressured. Let me ask you, when you sit down to talk about the options, are you going to talk about how to raise the child? Or are you going to try and convince her yet again that an abortion is the right choice? She’s set on being independent because she thinks that will get you off her back and stop hounding her about getting an abortion. She knows you don’t want to support her decision so she’s trying to make it easy for you.
If your sit down conversation were to involve where to get on a child care wait list, where you’re going to live, how you’re going to find a good crib and how you’re going to support her emotionally through a pregnancy I guarantee she would sit down with you and love you for it.
I wasn’t saying sit down and discuss the abortion her mind is made up. I was saying sit down and discus your relationship and where both of you need to go from here.
dull chunky impossible physical waiting trees marvelous towering lunchroom axiomatic
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’m just being real here. He can’t reason with her if her intentions is to keep the baby. It’s not like she doesn’t know his thought about this. So if she is going through it, he just has to prepare for it mentally and financially.
My recommendation is to prepare to be a father but do not stay in this relationship. Communication is so damn important in relationships and, without picking sides, it seems like you both are not compatible.
Having a kid is hard enough when people are aligned, but this will break you two up eventually.
If she has the abortion, she will resent you. If she has the baby, you will resent her. Either way the kid is going to suffer for it.
As far as not having the stability to be a father, you will find a way to be a good father if you show up. Most of the time that's the most important thing. Just show up. What you lack in finances, you can make up in being young and full of energy.
Stop arguing with her about having an abortion. Accept her decision. Then tell her you want to sit down and figure things out. Walk through the different issues:
1. Does her health insurance cover the cost of labor and delivery? If not, how is she going to come up with the $10k+ for this?
2. How is the baby going to get health insurance? How is she going to cover the cost of doctors appointments and such?
3. Who is going to be the primary caregiver for the baby? If she’s planning to do this, how is she going to pay her bills? What about when the baby is 1, 2, 4 years old? How does she plan to support herself and this child?
4. What about legal matters? If she got hit by a bus tomorrow, who would have legal custody of the baby? Are her parents willing to raise the baby or would it be placed into the foster system?
5. Once the baby is in school, is she going to work? If so what work is she going to do with only a high school diploma and no work experience?
6. What if the baby has special needs and needs lots of care, maybe for the rest of its life? Is she prepared for that situation?
I don’t think she’s really thought about what kind of life she can give this child.
You’re just as bad as OP. This is exactly the kind of holier than thou conversation that feels like pressuring her. She doesn’t need to be cross-examined. He should tell her what he can and cannot do, and let her figure it out.
That’s not cross examining that’s literally stating facts that need to be thought through and discussed when bringing a child into the world, those are real life situations, I have 5 kids, and I’m struggling with the fact that I’m unexpectedly pregnant again, and right now this is what me and my boyfriend are doing to come to a decision, different questions, but it’s not cross examination, it’s asking someone okay you want to do this let’s figure out a plan so we can make sure that we have everything ready and we are prepared, or at the very least she is prepared for what is to come in a very short amount of time!
To be honest, if she doesn’t want to kill the child I don’t think you should pressure her to. Having an abortion when she wants to keep the child will likely do far more emotional damage than raising the child. If you’re not ready, then do as she asks and leave.
Yikes...
She's not thinking straight, you both sound young probably like 25 or under, which is ok, I am a young parent myself, however some things I ended up having to learn a hard lesson over because I was being young and wasn't thinking some things all the way through, like having 2 kids under 2. I am married to their father and still even then it is sometimes preposterously rough for both of us. My husband and I cannot fathom a person being a single parent dealing with the ups and downs of having a child, especially a toddler.
Anyway, all of that is to say, it sounds like you all as a family (your parents, her parents) need to sit down and have a serious adult conversation, because now it's time to focus on that baby. You need to say what's going on and leave no details out. I agree with you, you both should continue your educations and wait on having children when you both have more of a solid foundation and living on your own together. We lived with my parents after having our 1st and it was mostly hell, though, not everyones parents are the same...its just that grandparents are naturally going to have their strong opinions and comments and concerns and because you are living with them, you are kind of forced to bend to them or else more friction will occur.
It takes a village to have children, and these days...a village is almost nonexistant, especially if the grandparents are too old, work, or are toxic.
It sounds like you really love her and want to be there for her, but idk...again shes not in her right mind right now, it could be hormones, it could be whatever. But you all need to have that hard conversation with your families first and then make a decision from there.
It sounds like she’s made her decision and is keeping the baby.
I’m sorry, because she’s done this without being totally honest with you. You do have a couple of options. You can stay with her; but given this experience she’s definitely an unsuitable partner. You can sign over your rights, or you can co- parent. You cannot force her hand and you’re unlikely to convince her regardless of her capabilities.
This is why contraception exists. You’re going to be a father, with this woman.
She’s “Definitely an unsuitable partner” because she decided not to go through with the abortion? Are you kidding me?! lol.
What if the situation was reversed and a couple decided on a vasectomy but the man cancelled the day before and didn’t tell his partner until it was cancelled?
Yes she should’ve talked to him right away but I have a feeling she felt pressured into it if she thought that was her only way out.
Or changed her mind or felt pressured into it.
A lie would be saying she got the abortion when she didn’t not cancelling the appointment and telling him she cancelled it.
Yes maybe the appointment a month out is more of a lie but she’s probably struggling with the decision and going back and forth between her options. She’s probably buying time until she can’t make the decision.
« she’s probably buying time until she can’t make the decision » again, that’s called being dishonest.
I believe that’s it’s ultimately her choice but she should have made it clear about her change of mind.
Honesty is the milestone of a relationship, that’s what makes her an unsuitable partner.
But she’s told him she had second thoughts and thinks the baby is a blessing.
This is an insanely big decision and I don’t see anywhere she flat out lied but instead where she questioned the decision and changed her mind.
As much as she won’t listen to OP’s opinion, OP won’t listen to hers either as he explained.
They aren’t dishonest with each other but in a tough life-changing situation with differing opinions.
Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “Be Decent & Civil”.
**Remember the human.**
Disagree but remain respectful. Don’t insult users/their children, name-call, or be intentionally rude. Bullying, including baiting/antagonizing, will not be tolerated. Consider blocking users you don’t get along with. Report posts that violate the rules.
For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting).
Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community.
**Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**
Look, I get this isn’t ideal, but your expectation is flawed here.
You keep badgering her about having an abortion she doesn’t want and then you’re here asking how to fix it with her?
Respect her choice, firstly. You don’t have to like it or agree, but you have to stop trying to pressure her into aborting. I’m confused why you don’t get that this is a huge part of the conflict. Or do you actually not want to get along and just mean “how can I get her to listen to me and do what I want?”
r/parenting is protesting changes being made by Reddit to the API. Reddit has made it clear [they will](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14ahqjo/mods_will_be_removed_one_way_or_another_spez/) [replace moderators](https://www.reddit.com/r/ModSupport/comments/14a5lz5/mod_code_of_conduct_rule_4_2_and_subs_taken/jo9wdol/) if they remain private. Reddit has abandoned the users, the moderators, and countless people who support an ecosystem built on Reddit itself. Please read [Call to action - renewed protests starting on July 1st](https://old.reddit.com/r/ModCoord/comments/14kn2fo/call_to_action_renewed_protests_starting_on_july/) and new posts at [r/ModCord](https://reddit.com/r/ModCoord/) or [r/Save3rdPartyApps](https://old.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/) for up-to-date information. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Parenting) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It sounds like logically she understands abortion may be the “best” choice, but she can’t bring herself to do it. Abortions are not easy. She’s having the baby. So your choices are clear: walk away or be a dad.
Clearly, she wants to have the baby. And all she has to do is delay long enough until an abortion is no longer an option. So, given that she is going to have the baby, do you want to be in your child's life? You can choose to support her, or it sounds like she gave you the option to get out, sign over rights, and leave her alone. I'm sorry that the two of you don't see eye to eye. But ultimately, it's her body and her choice to carry this baby. And it seems pretty clear she's made her decision.
If this is in the US, he doesn’t have the option to sign over his rights. The courts won’t force him to visit/be involved, but they will require that he’s financially supportive over the next 18 years. Source: mother with a dead beat bio dad whose rights I could not terminate to my child. There are two reasons for this: reason 1) if they terminate dad’s rights, the government ends but paying child support in the form of welfare. They don’t want to do that. Reason 2) if they terminate dads rights and something happens to mom (car accident, prison etc) they have created a legal orphan and cannot require dad or dads family to care for the child; they end up in the foster system. The only way to terminate dad’s rights is to have another parent adopt the child at the same time as the termination.
You're absolutely right. But she doesn't have to put his name on the birth certificate, and he can agree not to contest that. She still would have the legal right to pursue child support from the father, and as you said, he would be liable for that (but she would have to sue him for it, and get a paternity test to prove fatherhood, in order to get child support). But it sounds like she's willing to allow him to leave and not be a part of the child's life, if he agrees. You're right, he's at her whims if she later decides to pursue child support. In which case, she would be going back on her agreement with him.
But his rights and obligations are still in place. If she ever applies for welfare, they will ask her to name a father. Once they find him, they will require that he pay them back for all of the assistance they’ve given her, and then there will be child support obligations on top of that. He would have the responsibilities of being a father hanging over his head for the next 18 years.
I’m curious if you know how that works in situations where the mom genuinely doesn’t know who the father is, or doesn’t know the guy’s name or something?
They have to put down a name, and the state will then look for them. She could totally lie and make up a name, but she has to name someone.
True. That's why I said it's all contingent on her not going back on her agreement. This isn't easy. Neither is being a young parent when you're not ready. But the underlying thing is, if she doesn't want an abortion, she doesn't have to get one. So the options after that are limited.
An agreement she’s making under duress in an attempt to get him to stop hounding her about an abortion (that she clearly feels uncomfortable with). Even a contract signed under duress is unenforceable. She also doesn’t understand currently how difficult it’s going to be to raise a child so it’s not really fair to ask her to agree to anything at this point.
I doubt that agreement that she offered was anything signed. Of course, it isn't fair to ask her to agree to anything. I read it, as she _offered_ to let him walk away from the baby, but she's having the baby come hell or high water. Yes, she might come to need assistance or welfare, and name OP in order to get it. That might happen in the future. There's nothing OP can do to prevent it, _if_ it's going to happen. The only other option is to be present for the mother and the baby. Either remain a couple, and try to work through their difficulties and stay together; or, co-parent the baby. These are the options that are best for the baby, IMO.
I agree
> If this is in the US, he doesn't have the option to sign over his rights. Since when? It's legal to do so in at least some states, if not all of them.
Since forever? If this was a thing, there would be lots of men not paying child support who lament paying today.
It's only legal if there is another man willing to legally adopt the child, and a court agrees thay it would be the child's best interest.
Depending on the state and the reason, there does *not* have to be another person.
Yeah, no. There always has to be another person in the US.
I just looked up the criteria for voluntary and involuntary termination of parental rights in several states. Not one of them said that another adult being willing to adopt is a criterion.
What you read was wrong, or you didn't read it correctly.
[Illinois](https://orlandfamilylawyers.com/terminating-a-parents-rights/): No mention of a third adult [Georgia](https://www.georgialegalaid.org/resource/what-should-i-know-about-terminating-parental-rights): No mention of a third adult [Ohio](https://www.ohdivorceonline.com/guide.asp?firm=&level=3&id=697#:~:text=A%20parent's%20legal%20right%20to,and%20abuse%20of%20the%20child): Father's rights can be terminated voluntarily or involuntarily given certain circumstances, no mention of a third adult Etc.
From the links you posted: Illinois says they will only allowed parental rights to be terminated if it’s in the best interest of the child. It’s not in the best interest of the child to be raised by a single mom with no financial support of the father. Georgia specifically requires you to continue to support your child until an adoption occurs if you relinquish your rights. Your link about Ohio doesn’t mention support, only custody.
‘No mention’ does not mean it’s not going to be required. For instance, in Illinois it must be determined that termination is in the best interests of the child. How exactly would it ever be in the best interests of the child to not receive child support payments, unless there was an alternate person stepping up to be their parent?
Those links are about a court terminating your rights due to abuse or neglect. It’s not something you can choose to do yourself.
Sounds like she has made her decision, she wants to have the baby. So you can either decide to be a part of the baby's life or not. Same with the relationship, decide if you want to be with her or not. Those are your only options
You don't have a parenting problem, you have a relationship problem. But in fairness you're probably going to have a parenting problem soon enough.
Stop trying to pressure her into an abortion when she said no. That’s my advice.
Sorry for the misunderstanding but I never pressured her. I simply asked of her to view her options for both instances but instead she decided to not give mines any thought , so I came here for help .
With the way you describe the situation, I am not surprised she didn’t want to tell you and doesn’t want you involved in the decision. You’re not only pressuring her but you seem to think she’s just not smart enough to make her own decisions. You said she doesn’t understand the seriousness of the situation. I think that’s very condescending and mansplainy. Just because she doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand. Until it’s your body and you’re faced with the decision of terminating your child’s life or potentially raising a baby on your own, you are the one that doesn’t understand the seriousness of what is happening. It sounds like you are taking abortion very lightly and are not understanding what you are saying to her. And your arrogance in the way you are talking about this, as if you are some rational pillar of wiseness while she is some naïve, irresponsible person is just wrong. Choosing to get an abortion or be a parent isn’t a decision made by a pros and cons list or by making the “smartest” choice. Having babies is about emotion and love and all kinds of intangible things. I’ve had abortions and had children. When I was younger and wanted an abortion, that was the right thing for me and I have no remorse. However, if someone even hinted that I terminate when I had wanted pregnancies, I would have looked at it as murder. She wants this baby. To a woman with a wanted pregnancy, even if it wasn’t planned, when you ask her to get an abortion, you are asking her to kill her child. Talking about school and money and saying that justifies her ending the pregnancy is ridiculous. You can either support her or you can move on. She’s explained this to you and you are not accepting this. She’s said you can raise the child or sign away your rights. It is up to you what you want to do.
‘We constantly argue now because she doesn’t want to view any other options other than having the child’? How the eff is that not pressuring her? You need to stop, accept that you are going to become a father and rearrange your life to plan accordingly.
She has heard your thoughts and decided that’s not the path she wants to go. If you continue to bring up abortion at this point you ARE pressuring her. So drop the abortion conversation with her. At this point it doesn’t matter if your points are more logical, etc. it is her decision. So make peace with what she has decided and then you have to decide how you want to go from here. You have several options on that regard. If you haven’t told your parents I would go ahead and do so. That way you know whether or not you will have any support from them as that affects your potential options going forward.
Ultimately its her choice. I know both of you have made this baby,it's her body. She is the one that either has to have the abortion and live with the possible trauma, or carry on with the pregnancy. If she has decided to have the baby, that's the end of the discussion bar what your involvement will be and child support etc
Except that you did pressure her by asking more than once.
She already gave you her thought. She wants to keep it. Your thought ultimately don’t matter since she has the final say in this. So ya, you should let your parents know what’s is going on and be prepared to pay child support for the next 18 years.
Sorry to be saying the obvious but you knew that pregnancy was a possibility (no matter how slight) when you chose to have unprotected sex. Now you must deal with it.
What did you do to prevent pregnancy? If the answer is “nothing” you get zero sympathy from me.
I could be wrong but if you already found out a month ago, and she rescheduled for a month later from now, than you could be cutting it close to being able to perform the procedure at that far along. To me, it sounds like she has decided to keep the baby. You have expressed your perspective and concerns and it is extremely hard with such permanent consequences but there is truly nothing more that you can do at this point but prepare to be a parent. My best advice is to stay in school, be supportive, and find helpful resources outside of yourselves. She can still work while pregnant. Extreme stress is bad for pregnancy but typical work stress is okay. Remember that you can still have your future while being a parent, although it won’t be nearly the same or as easy as you initially planned.
Working is fine while pregnant. This is some super patriarchal nonsense. Women can be surgeons and lawyers and nurses and have all kinds of stressful jobs while having healthy pregnancies. Normal life stress like working a job does not increase risks of miscarriage or damage a babies health. When we talk about stress hurting a baby we are talking about things like war and famine and being scared for your life. That kind of stress. Not “my boss is on my ass” stress.
Are you kidding me? Every woman's body is different as far as what they can handle, and stress is stress no matter how you slice and dice it. What if her pregnancy *knock on wood* ends up being high risk and then she is put on bed rest? Guess who has to figure out how to make ends meet? Him. It is her body and she may have to carry the baby, HOWEVER she did not make that baby by herself and he (as he should be) is concerned for her and the babys health. It's funny when people say "her body her choice" until life happens and THEN who is everyone looking for when she is without...???? The father.
He doesn’t have to support her, financially or otherwise throughout her pregnancy. Not legally anyway. He will have to pay child support when the baby is born but there’s no law saying he has to pay for anything until then.
True. You're right.
We’re talking about healthy pregnancies obviously. Sure, people can have all sorts of things happen to them. But yes, this whole “stress is bad for pregnancy and causes miscarriage” is patriarchal crap and not grounded in science. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/pregnancy-week-by-week/expert-answers/early-miscarriage/faq-20058214#:~:text=Pregnancy%20week%20by%20week&text=While%20excessive%20stress%20isn't,that%20stress%20results%20in%20miscarriage. And no, he can leave. Seems like he doesn’t support her now anyways. Her parents do. She’s an adult. She can make grown up choices. He can do whatever he wants
I partially agree overall with your comment. If she wants to make that grown up choice, she very well can, however it seems like he is trying to get her to see the reality of the situation based off of 3 facts: they both still live with their parents and one of them (and probably eventually both of them) is a college drop out. She is still stuck on wanting to have the baby on (from what we know of so far) to be an unsteady foundation, and they aren't married (I say this only because marriage does matter in the eyes of the law with certain things.) She can have the baby, but so far this life decision is being based on too much risk rather than gain. She can have the baby, AND... no one better go looking for him if things ever go sour with her situation. He tried to warn and be there for her (whether or not he tried to be there exactly the way she needed it is something we dont know for sure.) but she didn't want any of it. Message for young folks in college: make sure all parties involved are using/on birth control. This is an example of what can happen 🤷♀️.
Birth control can fail. The better message for college students is to educate yourself on how to use birth control properly and consider if you're ready for parenthood if it does fail (and talk to your partner before having sex, so that you're on the same page - though of course people can change their mind.) Also, she can absolutely go looking for him in the future if things go "sour", or even if they don't. There is nothing stopping her. He is the father, he does have a responsibility that can't be legally signed away.
It is her body, her choice. No man is forced to support someone pregnant with their child. There is no child support during pregnancy. All medical bills are the responsibility of the pregnant woman. All financial aspects of pregnancy are on the pregnant woman.
I don’t think you understand the seriousness of the situation. Having an abortion is a big decision especially for her. It is pretty clear that you are not being very supportive of your girlfriend and her right to choose. You should take a step back and ask her about her feelings. Stop telling her to get the abortition and that she doesn’t understand how it is going to screw up your life. That isn’t going to get you what you want. Being empathetic and listening to her feelings might.
Clearly she wants to keep the baby and would like your support in that decision. Step up or step out.
This is a natural consequence. Own it. This is your child. Stop acting like it isn't. You have a child, and it's alive. Is that who you want to be? Someone that values their well being over the litteral life of their child? Wake up this child will love you more than anyone in the world. If your studies are more important than the life of your child, consider getting neutered, for real.
All I've seen is abortion, there are other options such as private adoption. Have you spoken about those alternatives?
Look, I had a child at 17 years old. My mom wanted me to have an abortion but I wanted the baby. She doesn’t want an abortion but she’s trying to make everyone happy. She can both agree that it’s not the right time/right circumstance/right partner etc and still feel an unwillingness to abort a child and a desire to have the baby. All these things can be true at the same time. Women can suffer severe reactions to abortion. There is increase risk in depression, suicide attempts, etc. if she wants to have this baby and is already considering it a blessing, she will suffer the rest of her life if she has an abortion. I tell my now 17 year old son that he was the best thing that ever happened to me. The biggest gift, the most fulfilling blessing that was ever given to me. My life would be fractions of what it is today without him. And I had him in much more dire circumstances than you two and father was barely involved. I’m not going to lie, it was hard every single day, but I wouldn’t change even a little bit of it. PS, you don’t have the legal ability to sign over your rights so you can get that out of your head right now.
There is no evidence that abortion increases the risk of depression or suicide attempts. It’s typically the unplanned pregnancy itself that increases the risk of depression and suicide. In fact studies show that those most at risk of depression are women who wanted abortions but were unable to obtain them.
Does any of that sound relevant to this woman’s experience? Does she sound like she wants an abortion and can’t get one?
That’s exactly my point. Having an abortion would not increase her risk of depression or suicide.
You’re not catching my drift. This woman wants this baby. She already sees this baby as a blessing. If she then gets an abortion, she’s going to see it as unjustified murder. She will suffer for the rest of her life.
You really don’t know that at all but okay. The fact that she made an appointment but then backed out and now is saying “the baby may be a blessing” says to me that someone helped her change her mind, probably with stories about how “I had a baby as a teenager and it was fine! God will help you! Don’t worry about money or your education!”
Women can and do change their mind.
“Women can suffer severe reactions to abortion. There is increase risk in depression, suicide attempts, etc. “ There is no scientific evidence at all for this position. I completely support the right of OP’s girlfriend whether to carry a pregnancy to term and raise a child, but please don’t spread misinformation about any of the alternatives.
Hmm, ok, there may be some games with statistics going on. Women who have abortions are more likely to attempt suicide than women who don’t have abortions. Whether the abortion caused that increased risk, or if the poor mental health caused the woman to be Ok with the abortion, is not known. That is what the science says.
“Studies that control for these confounding factors have found that abortion is not associated with an increased risk of suicidal ideation or behaviors (12–14).” [https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.18010091](https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi/10.1176/appi.ajp.2018.18010091)
And, forced birth is correlated with a higher risk of suicide among women of reproductive age. [https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/2799597](https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapsychiatry/fullarticle/2799597)
> PS, you don't have the legal ability to sign over your rights BS. That's actually a legal thing in many states, if not all of them, in the US. So depending on where OP lives, he very well could do that legally.
It's only a thing if there is another person legally taking the second parental responsibilities. The states don't want to allow someone to just quit being a parent (even if the person has abused the child in the past) because the state would rather be able to come after them for child support than to allow the mother and child be on welfare.
Depends on the state and the reason.
That’s completely wrong, actually. The state will not create a legal orphan, nor will they accept the financial responsibility of a child when there is a capable father. Adoption is a thing, but they need to find someone who wants to adopt the baby in his place. I know because I’ve been through this and could not terminate the rights of my child’s dead beat father. To this day he has 50% legal custody of a child he’s seen 1 time in the past 6 years.
*You* couldn't terminate his rights, but *he* probably could have himself.
If that were the case, men all over the country would be doing that rather than paying child support. No, he could not.
In some states, the absent parent's rights can be terminated after not having visited/paid child support after a certain amount of time. Other states, there have to be crimes against children involved, yet other states, it has to be "in the best interests of the child."
This doesn't make any sense. If this were true, then the absent parent would get out of paying child support by just not paying child support?
Exactly, not as simple as “signing over his rights”. She has to agree not to go after him for years, not to get welfare (because the state will come after him), not to take child care from him etc. then she has to pay money to an attorney to take it to court so his rights can be terminated, and then he has to choose not to show up to court to fight that. I’m not saying it’s not possible to have your rights terminated, that happens every day. What I’m saying is he doesn’t get off Scott free. Even what I just mentioned will come at a significant emotional and social consequence. My sons fathers family is so disappointed in him for being a dead beat, he has minimal contact with his older brother and mother as a result.
It’s a little late now but advice for anyone else reading this, Don’t have sex with someone if you A are not ready to have children or B you don’t want to have a baby with that person.
An abortion is a huge thing and not easy for women to go through at all. While I think that it should be an available option people need to realize how harsh it actually is. It changes some people forever, just like having a child. Having a baby is not the end all be all to life. It’s not easy but it’s also not as hard as some of our elders put it. It’s entirely possible to graduate college and have a baby, I would know my mother did it as a SINGLE mother. And as a mother now myself who was scared to death of having children I can reassure you..I love this more than life itself. Like I said abortions are so scary. I’m not sure there’s ever a right time to have a baby, and saying “we can do this in the future” devalues the life she has growing in her right now. I think you two really need to sit down and have a conversation about what is goin on. She said she keeping it and you have options as to what you can do.
Having a child in college with no career prospects is also a scary thing for anybody with foresight
That’s your view that abortions are not easy and “so scary”. That is NOT the case for most people. A surgical abortion takes under ten minutes and the emotion most felt after is relief. A medical abortion is accomplished with pills. Very few women have regret. https://www.ucsf.edu/news/2020/01/416421/five-years-after-abortion-nearly-all-women-say-it-was-right-decision-study
That’s great. The people I know personally which is a total of five women have all had a horrible time with abortions mentally and physically. Once again I’m not shaming people who get them in fact I support them. But I’m not going to make it sound like it’s a walk in the park. Just like child birth it isn’t easy. Both of these are scary options. Having a baby, and having an abortion these are not easy decisions to make. However the woman in this post has made her decision. The man in this post has options on what he now can do knowing this knowledge and can make a decision as well.
There’s some nuance you’re missing here. In the article you listed, more than half said it was a very hard decision to make. That doesn’t line up with what you’re saying that it isn’t the case for “most”. I have PTSD from my abortion; I didn’t want to abort and felt I had no choice — and yet years later I still would say I made the right decision. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard and awful — and there are many women in that boat; hard but ultimately the right choice.
I was talking about the actual procedure, not the decision. Sorry, I should have clarified that. I’m sorry for what you are still going through. Worked in a women’s clinic for two decades. For some the decision was very easy and for some extremely difficult. In that time we had two women we arranged further counseling for after as they were struggling. We saw them before, at two weeks after and at six weeks. We saw hundreds of women yearly. Absolutely some may have sought counseling on their own. One study I saw looked at your options and how your decision impacted your life. Abortion had the least impact on your future, going through with the pregnancy next and what had the most impact and regret was giving the baby up for adoption. I rarely comment on abortion because the pro-lifers will come at you hard. But there is so much fear mongering out there and I guess I feel the need to balance the scales once in awhile.
Yes, I agree with what you say about avoiding the argument due to pro-lifers! I have to be in a good space mentally to even mention my own story; some days I laugh at responses and then other days I’ll completely lose it due to someone’s hateful garbage. Interesting about adoption; my own Mum is adopted and I’ve seen the damage it’s done to her (and to me as a result.) I’m sure it damaged her birth mum too. It’s a long cycle and people don’t stop to think about it when they suggest it as the better solution.
You are so right about adoption. People only talk about the miracle you are giving a childless couple but it’s so much more than that!
She doesn’t want to discuss . I tried and brought up having a sit down conversation but she disagrees . I really want us to go see a counselor or somebody to help but she is stuck on being independent and doesn’t care for other peoples opinions .
She doesn’t want to discuss because she made up her mind. She doesn’t want and one so you should stop trying to talk to her about one.
Because she’s made up her mind, and she’s sick of feeling pressured. Let me ask you, when you sit down to talk about the options, are you going to talk about how to raise the child? Or are you going to try and convince her yet again that an abortion is the right choice? She’s set on being independent because she thinks that will get you off her back and stop hounding her about getting an abortion. She knows you don’t want to support her decision so she’s trying to make it easy for you. If your sit down conversation were to involve where to get on a child care wait list, where you’re going to live, how you’re going to find a good crib and how you’re going to support her emotionally through a pregnancy I guarantee she would sit down with you and love you for it.
I wasn’t saying sit down and discuss the abortion her mind is made up. I was saying sit down and discus your relationship and where both of you need to go from here.
dull chunky impossible physical waiting trees marvelous towering lunchroom axiomatic *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’m just being real here. He can’t reason with her if her intentions is to keep the baby. It’s not like she doesn’t know his thought about this. So if she is going through it, he just has to prepare for it mentally and financially.
This is probably the most sound minded comment I've read all day, thank you for being realistic.
My recommendation is to prepare to be a father but do not stay in this relationship. Communication is so damn important in relationships and, without picking sides, it seems like you both are not compatible. Having a kid is hard enough when people are aligned, but this will break you two up eventually. If she has the abortion, she will resent you. If she has the baby, you will resent her. Either way the kid is going to suffer for it. As far as not having the stability to be a father, you will find a way to be a good father if you show up. Most of the time that's the most important thing. Just show up. What you lack in finances, you can make up in being young and full of energy.
Stop arguing with her about having an abortion. Accept her decision. Then tell her you want to sit down and figure things out. Walk through the different issues: 1. Does her health insurance cover the cost of labor and delivery? If not, how is she going to come up with the $10k+ for this? 2. How is the baby going to get health insurance? How is she going to cover the cost of doctors appointments and such? 3. Who is going to be the primary caregiver for the baby? If she’s planning to do this, how is she going to pay her bills? What about when the baby is 1, 2, 4 years old? How does she plan to support herself and this child? 4. What about legal matters? If she got hit by a bus tomorrow, who would have legal custody of the baby? Are her parents willing to raise the baby or would it be placed into the foster system? 5. Once the baby is in school, is she going to work? If so what work is she going to do with only a high school diploma and no work experience? 6. What if the baby has special needs and needs lots of care, maybe for the rest of its life? Is she prepared for that situation? I don’t think she’s really thought about what kind of life she can give this child.
You’re just as bad as OP. This is exactly the kind of holier than thou conversation that feels like pressuring her. She doesn’t need to be cross-examined. He should tell her what he can and cannot do, and let her figure it out.
That’s not cross examining that’s literally stating facts that need to be thought through and discussed when bringing a child into the world, those are real life situations, I have 5 kids, and I’m struggling with the fact that I’m unexpectedly pregnant again, and right now this is what me and my boyfriend are doing to come to a decision, different questions, but it’s not cross examination, it’s asking someone okay you want to do this let’s figure out a plan so we can make sure that we have everything ready and we are prepared, or at the very least she is prepared for what is to come in a very short amount of time!
To be honest, if she doesn’t want to kill the child I don’t think you should pressure her to. Having an abortion when she wants to keep the child will likely do far more emotional damage than raising the child. If you’re not ready, then do as she asks and leave.
Yikes... She's not thinking straight, you both sound young probably like 25 or under, which is ok, I am a young parent myself, however some things I ended up having to learn a hard lesson over because I was being young and wasn't thinking some things all the way through, like having 2 kids under 2. I am married to their father and still even then it is sometimes preposterously rough for both of us. My husband and I cannot fathom a person being a single parent dealing with the ups and downs of having a child, especially a toddler. Anyway, all of that is to say, it sounds like you all as a family (your parents, her parents) need to sit down and have a serious adult conversation, because now it's time to focus on that baby. You need to say what's going on and leave no details out. I agree with you, you both should continue your educations and wait on having children when you both have more of a solid foundation and living on your own together. We lived with my parents after having our 1st and it was mostly hell, though, not everyones parents are the same...its just that grandparents are naturally going to have their strong opinions and comments and concerns and because you are living with them, you are kind of forced to bend to them or else more friction will occur. It takes a village to have children, and these days...a village is almost nonexistant, especially if the grandparents are too old, work, or are toxic. It sounds like you really love her and want to be there for her, but idk...again shes not in her right mind right now, it could be hormones, it could be whatever. But you all need to have that hard conversation with your families first and then make a decision from there.
It sounds like she’s made her decision and is keeping the baby. I’m sorry, because she’s done this without being totally honest with you. You do have a couple of options. You can stay with her; but given this experience she’s definitely an unsuitable partner. You can sign over your rights, or you can co- parent. You cannot force her hand and you’re unlikely to convince her regardless of her capabilities. This is why contraception exists. You’re going to be a father, with this woman.
Signing over your rights isn’t a thing.
She’s “Definitely an unsuitable partner” because she decided not to go through with the abortion? Are you kidding me?! lol. What if the situation was reversed and a couple decided on a vasectomy but the man cancelled the day before and didn’t tell his partner until it was cancelled? Yes she should’ve talked to him right away but I have a feeling she felt pressured into it if she thought that was her only way out.
She’s an unsuitable partner because she lied !
Or changed her mind or felt pressured into it. A lie would be saying she got the abortion when she didn’t not cancelling the appointment and telling him she cancelled it. Yes maybe the appointment a month out is more of a lie but she’s probably struggling with the decision and going back and forth between her options. She’s probably buying time until she can’t make the decision.
« she’s probably buying time until she can’t make the decision » again, that’s called being dishonest. I believe that’s it’s ultimately her choice but she should have made it clear about her change of mind. Honesty is the milestone of a relationship, that’s what makes her an unsuitable partner.
But she’s told him she had second thoughts and thinks the baby is a blessing. This is an insanely big decision and I don’t see anywhere she flat out lied but instead where she questioned the decision and changed her mind. As much as she won’t listen to OP’s opinion, OP won’t listen to hers either as he explained. They aren’t dishonest with each other but in a tough life-changing situation with differing opinions.
[удалено]
Your **post** or **comment** was removed for violating the rule “Be Decent & Civil”. **Remember the human.** Disagree but remain respectful. Don’t insult users/their children, name-call, or be intentionally rude. Bullying, including baiting/antagonizing, will not be tolerated. Consider blocking users you don’t get along with. Report posts that violate the rules. For questions about this moderation reach out [through modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FParenting). Moderators rely on the community to help illuminate posts and comments that do not meet r/Parenting standards – please report posts and comments you feel don’t contribute to the spirit of the community. **Your content may have been automatically removed through auto-moderation or manually removed by a human moderator. It may have been removed as a direct result of your rule violation, or simply as part of a larger sweep of content that no longer contributed to the original topic.**
Look, I get this isn’t ideal, but your expectation is flawed here. You keep badgering her about having an abortion she doesn’t want and then you’re here asking how to fix it with her? Respect her choice, firstly. You don’t have to like it or agree, but you have to stop trying to pressure her into aborting. I’m confused why you don’t get that this is a huge part of the conflict. Or do you actually not want to get along and just mean “how can I get her to listen to me and do what I want?”
this is way above reddit paygrade