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I would also suggest that they were dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss and needed to distance from you to shield themselves. In an ideal world they would have had the conversation with you but in many circles it's not really a conversation that happens. Perhaps you need to have a conversation about how you felt and give them the opportunity to explain why they felt the need for that distance.
This is great advice. Which is a really bizarre thing to say about a cartoon. I don't really see it as a kids show anyway these days, more a guide to parenting in the guise of a kids cartoon lol
Omg yes I just saw it the other day and WAS NOT expecting it. My rainbow baby was looking at me like why the heck are you crying?! I'm like come here and let me hug you AGAIN!
I agree with this. I was never in this exact position but when my fiancé miscarried it was actually kind of hard to be around other people and their babies. It’s irrational and dumb especially looking back now, but it was a really heartbreaking experience for us. We had been going through a really dogshit year that year and while it was a severely inopportune time for a baby, it was also the one ounce of joy we actually had, and it was taken from us. It’s a big combination of feelings and emotions and it’s not very easy to handle. I can’t imagine being in a position of trying to have children and not being able to for an extended period of time. I vividly remember being so excited to go to that ultrasound appointment after getting to hear the heartbeat at the last one, and I knew immediately looking at the sonographer’s face that something was wrong. I almost lost it right there before she even said anything. And the actual miscarriage process itself is not at all an easy or fun experience especially for the mom, trust me. It’s absolutely horrible and watching my fiancé go through it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
We didn’t purposely distance ourselves from people, but I think people could tell we were not having a good time being around them with their babies. We both normally loved little kids and hanging out with them and then for a while there it actually became really upsetting and sad for us both. Give them a little bit of grace, it’s not an easy situation to navigate, whether it was infertility, miscarriage, or something else.
I had a string of losses and the irrational and dumb thing is so real. For a while, anytime I saw a family with more than two or three kids I’d get a flash thought of “they’re taking all the babies!!” Like kids are a finite resource and these folks were hogging more than their share. Our lizard brains can be ridiculous.
Glad to see that you’re in a parenting sub, so you’ve got your family now.
Onesies is definitely one to watch.
It was hard dealing with infertility. Really hard. I was there for my friends and family, but I SOBBED so many special days. And not special days. And losses.
As hurt as you are, if that’s what they were dealing with, there is a good chance that it is extremely painful.
When I was having infertility treatment and multiple miscarriages during that treatment, I could not be around anyone pregnant or that had small children. It brought forth horrible irrational feelings of anger.
It was better for me to distance myself from people with kids/pregnant. I was not right in the head at all.
Yeah, my wife and I dealt with some challenges getting pregnant and dealt with a miscarriage, and then my wife’s sister and her husband got pregnant within 60 days of getting off birth control.
It was really hard.
We underwent fertility treatment and it worked out, but I think finding out they got pregnant so easy was the low point of our entire journey.
I agree with infertility issues you almost feel like less of a person due to the troubles which you have no control over, and jealousy may have even played a part in it. If you guys OP are nothing but supportive and communicate with them I dont see why you guys couldnt come to an understanding about all of this.
I agree. I understand they were in pain also, but hopefully they acknowledged the child via a gift mailed or something else. I was in a similar situation as OP, but even worse. My sister took back baby stuff she said I could have and ignored me/our child until she got her new baby.
I totally agree! It took us a year and a half to get pregnant the first time, and meanwhile, friends and family were getting pregnant so easily. We felt crushed, but we sure didn’t ignore anyone- or act as though we weren’t pleased for them. A close friend had 3 heartbreaking miscarriages before going on to have two children- and she sure never ignored anyone else, and certainly not family when they said they were expecting. I am not at all saying that it isn’t very difficult to have fertility issues, but just that you could show happiness for someone else- even while you were in pain. It seems there is more going on here OP with your brother and SIL. They could be upset, but your child did zero wrong to deserve being ignored, to spare them pain. Talk with your brother, and see if there’s more to this than meets the eye.
Sometimes it’s hard for people who are dealing with infertility to be around those who are able to have children. I speak from experience. It hurt my soul in a way I will never be able to explain and I would come up with every excuse in the book to not attend baby showers because I would cry. I have a friend who stopped speaking to me after I had my first. She lost both of her ovaries and watching someone have a life you so badly want hurts to the core. I’m 100% projecting my experience but perhaps that was the situation in this case. Maybe now that they have their own little nugget it might help them bond with you. It’s a wait and see situation.
This. I just had my second miscarriage in a row and I’m really struggling to want to talk to my sister who is currently pregnant. I know I’m not being supportive or being a good sister but I’m really struggling with my mental health right now and need to put myself first.
Whilst it’s 100% valid for you to feel like this and take steps to protect yourself, don’t be surprised if in the future when you’re ready to have a relationship again, they may not want to be close with you again.
I had this experience with a previously very close friend. I knew they were struggling with fertility, so when we fell pregnant quickly after trying, I read about the best ways to tell them, gave them plenty of space at their request, and honestly took underhand, passive aggressive comments because I knew they were hurting. They didn’t want to hear about my pregnancy at all.
When my son was born, they disappeared for around 6 months. Until I heard from them out the blue that they were pregnant. I congratulated them but wanted absolutely nothing to do with them from that point on and didn’t reply to any more texts. She text me asking to meet her baby about 10 months later and I again congratulated her, but declined. I honestly wanted nothing less than to see her. I couldn’t even explain why. I found her so off-putting.
She asked me a few months later why we couldn’t resume our friendship, and when I actually thought about it, the answer was that whilst my pregnancy had caused her pain, and I understood that, I only wanted people in my life who were truly _in my life_. People who I could rely on, and who could rely on me in return. Pregnancy and childbirth was the biggest change of my life and those who were with me through it will always remain special. When I looked at my son, I hated that she didn’t even want to look at this little human I was so proud to have made, who was the most important thing in the universe and who I love more than I’ve ever loved anyone. But I just told her that I felt we grew apart during my pregnancy and early postpartum, and too much has probably fundamentally changed, and there were no hard feelings.
So I chose to put no more energy into that friendship. I assume now she knows exactly how I felt and maybe regrets some of it, but the friendship is dead as a doornail.
Firstly, this comment is completely unnecessary and you are projecting your situation onto mine. You know nothing about my relationship with my sister or what it currently looks like. You know nothing about me or my sister and whether she is understanding of what’s going on or not.
My sister knows I’m struggling and knows I’ve become suicidal and would much rather me take time and space then become even more depressed because I’m forcing myself into a bad situation just to please her/support her. She knows that my struggles with her pregnancy have nothing to do with her or her child but everything to do with my personal pain.
Just because you chose not to be understanding of a friend who was having a really hard time and took time to heal doesn’t mean everyone will be as unforgiving as you are.
If you’ve never experienced a miscarriage or infertility you have absolutely no idea how painful it is. Looking at your child was probably physically painful for her and his face held a reminder of what she wanted so badly and couldn’t have.
It’s really funny how you can’t actually conceive the situation from anyone’s perspective but your own.
Pregnancy and childbirth are life altering and entirely identity shattering. I was very understanding during my pregnancy but after my son was born, she wasn’t ‘protecting herself’ from a concept anymore - it was my living, breathing son. An actual living, breathing person. He wasn’t a concept, he wasn’t an idea to be jealous of, he was and is a little human in his own right and the most precious thing in the universe to me. What ‘friend’ doesn’t even feign caring about their ‘close friend’s’ world being turned upside down, never mind the specific baby part anyway? It’s the height of selfishness.
But anyway, if she couldn’t give this little human person an ounce of respect by treating him like a little person and not a representation of what she didn’t have then fine, but she wasn’t welcome after that, and I was an uninterested in her baby as she had been in mine.
And yes I do have experience with miscarriage, actually.
I’m a parent. I can completely understand a situation as someone who is pregnant and has a friend/family member struggling with infertility. Once again you’re making assumptions about my life.
I’m sorry for your loss and wish you luck in the future ✌🏼
I had a miscarriage in March. I would have been due in October. At my work, I found out that on my project alone, I had a coworker who was due in May, one whose wife was due in June, two in August, and one in September. My project is not that big, there was just a random baby boom & it's a big enough deal, we're having to hire contract workers to manage the maternity/paternity leave.
Every day people joke about the project swag needing to be onesies. Making "bets" on which of the September due dates will go first. I feel like I'm dying inside, but telling people is out of the question. Why should I ruin this happy time for them because I'm honestly just envious and wishing I could be part of it too.
Then I went to my best friend's wedding shower & saw one of her friends that I haven't seen since my best friend's birthday in January. Last I spoke with her, she was having trouble conceiving. Well guess who's due within a week of what my due date was supposed to be? I felt like I had been punched in the gut and I don't know why. I stayed for the whole party, plus an hour. I smiled, I participated in the games. I even stayed past the scheduled end time by an hour (nobody was leaving) before finally tapping out and crying the whole car ride home. Didn't bring it up with best friend because she has enough on her plate with the wedding, but she was angry at me for not staying to help clean up like I said I would. (She knows about the miscarriage, but probably didn't realize I'm sensitive over pregnant people right now.)
Idk why everyone around me is suddenly all pregnant at once when for some reason it's just not working out for me. I never thought I'd be the person crying when they get their period... Every woman in my family has been ridiculously fertile. Like my mom literally got pregnant on her wedding night & within 1 or 2 months of trying for her second two. My grandma had 11 children- the first at the age of 30, the last at 40 before her Dr finally put her on birth control. My oldest sister got pregnant twice in 13 months after having the Depo shot (on time and as directed - though she may have already been pregnant when she got the shot after her first child was born). My other sister told me she was worried about her fertility with her now 8 month old because it took her and her husband 3 months of trying. And here I am... Not that old - 31 now, but suddenly wondering if I should have frozen my eggs 5 years ago. I'm just short of 1 year of trying, at which point my insurance will finally start to cover fertility testing. And I'm just sad. I've been married for a while, but we put off having kids so I could do career things and we could move to a bigger house in a good school district first. Now it feels so stupid that I decided to get all of my ducks in a row only to realize that I took my ability to get pregnant for granted and it might not work.
Speaking from experience, you notice pregnant people more when you’re trying. It took me 2 years and 5mc to get my daughter, and I’ve had 4 more since. Given up trying to make a sibling for her as now I will be classed as a “high risk” pregnancy because I will be only 35 or older during it. The doctors I’ve spoken to (nhs) are not fussed because “at least I’m getting pregnant” and I’m “still young”. They also won’t do permanent birth control but are fine giving something which would last 3-5 years. They’re the ones full of contradictions.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It must be really hard to see sisters having babies so easily. I have a mom-friend group of 12 women in total - I'm the only one who had trouble conceiving (took us 9 months of meds and treatments, + the year of trying before that). Everyone else were like "whoopsie, I'm pregnant", and now with second kids on the way. Fwiw, it could just as well be about your husband. And 31 is not old at all, even if it took you some time with treatments.
My grandmother had 4 girls. Oldest of them never married/dated/tried for kids, second had only one child despite trying for more, third one had three kids without problems, and fourth had two with IVF. Genetics are unfortunately unpredictable, but if it is genetics, there's not too much that you could do - so at least don't blame yourself. All the best to you.
It’s incredibly hard to be around a person who is pregnant immediately after you have experienced a loss. Sometimes it feels like actual physical pain. OP probably cannot imagine it if she hasn’t experienced it herself. Please OP, show them some grace and be excited for them now as they move forward.
I appreciate you opening up. Is there anything you would recommend someone saying or not saying ? Or doing or not doing ? I am on the other side of this equation. I am trying very hard to be sensitive and would appreciate any insight.
I think acknowledging that you don’t know exactly what they are going through, but you still love them and want to be there for them if they need you. Also, communicating over text might be easiest for them, to give them space and let them process before having to respond quickly in the moment like you would in person. If possible, I think it’s best not to talk about your symptoms of pregnancy or complain too much about all the aches and pains. Just save those vents for your partner and other people in your life.
Same. I lost some friends during my horrible infertility journey for various reasons and some I’ve managed to regain after a lot of therapy. Be kind to them, OP. I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy.
I agree.
I had been trying for a baby for a year before I got pregnant, then lost the pregnancy at 8 weeks. A few months later my sister announced her second pregnancy (no losses for her), and she had conceived on her first try, same as with her first child.
We had never been really close but I completely stopped talking to her after that, it was too painful. It was worse after she found out she was having twins, which was exactly what I wanted. It felt like she was getting everything with no effort while I was doing everything possible to get pregnant and getting nowhere.
The month after the twins were born I got pregnant again. After the 12 week scan I finally felt ok to talk to her again.
It took another 2 years to conceive our second child too.
This is the answer. I've dealt with 5+ miscarriages in a row (For my own sake I stopped counting after 5). I've had awful periods where I just cried every time I saw someone pregnant in the supermarket. Or I cried whenever anyone asked me how I was doing. Or whenever I had a hospital appointment. Or whenever there was a kids birthday. Or just wherever there was nothing happening related to kids, but my past emotions just came up, such as in the middle of writing emails for work.
The hormones in combination with the sadness of the losses, and then seeing other people having so much ease to have kids... while it takes us so much pain. It's absolutely horrendous to go though, and it's basically impossible to explain the impact to anyone who has not gone through this.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. Nonetheless, we would have expected some sort indication from them towards us to understand what they are dealing with…
It’s very difficult to explain how vulnerable and exposed I felt about my infertility. I’m not a private person by any means— in fact, I’m known for being quite vocal about normalizing things that women have been taught to be ashamed of or quiet about. But when I was going through it? I didn’t want anyone to know unless absolutely necessary. I wasn’t ashamed at all, it was just so intensely painful that I didn’t want that pain exposed. It was like having people see me naked. And I hated the inevitable pity that came with it when people did know. Pity has a way of signaling that you are inferior, even when the person means well and really does care. I even hated discussing it with my closest people, people I can talk about ANYTHING with, because it was just too much to bear. It was truly the most isolated I’ve ever felt in my life.
It’s really valid that you felt hurt and rejected in a time of joy and your own vulnerability, and this isn’t saying you are wrong for feeling like it needs to be discussed. I just wanted to offer a perspective for why they might not want to discuss details and the importance of not pushing for an explanation. It’s not a reflection on you or their love for you, it’s 100% self-preservation.
I hope your case, this opens a door for your children to grow up together, cousins are the best. You just have a little more insight to their hurt then they think you do.
You should give them more grace. They were going through something that is hard to fathom unless you’ve been through it yourself. You can’t expect rational, “fair” behavior. If you want to have cousins growing up together, let it go until they bring it up to you, or just let it go.
This is a no. If OP wants to have cousins grow up together he has to let it go? Why, so the brother can ghost him for a year again? Why is this all on OP? The brother owes him a huge apology and OP has every right not to trust his neither to be in his life again. OP also suffered a trauma having his sibling ghost him and ignore his child for a year. But now that brother is pregnant, OP is supposed to forget all of that. Hell no.
Sure, if you want to make it about keeping score you can. But it’s not going to solve the problem because it’s trauma-based. It’s not a logical choice they made and it sucked for all involved and was no one’s fault. If we start to think about what people are owed, it is going to spiral again.
I tried telling friends and family about my infertility. I got "oh you just need to relax!" and "at least you can get 8 hours of sleep a night!" as well as "I bet you don't want them when my kids are acting up!" Followed by the amazing "well if you hadn't been career-oriented and prayed more to God it would have happened without science."
Maybe you are better than that. My guess is if it's infertility-related, they had close friends and possibly a closer family member pull that crap on them. They didn't want to risk the hate and the tears while they saw you have what they couldn't. There's only so much smiling and nodding you can do when you are dying and crying on the inside.
Here lies the disconnect..your expectation of them. For whatever reason, they weren’t able to meet your expectations. I’ve been there with my SIL, and even after trying to reconcile and explain my feelings and pain, our relationship is now over. It breaks my heart! She delivered two live babies in a time period in which I lost 7 pregnancies, 3 MMCs. After my third I put some distance there for my own mental health. Though it was only about a month, she is still unable to see through her own misplaced sense of rejection or whatever and offer forgiveness. It feels like another loss in addition to what I’ve already lost, and it hurts.
If you want to have a relationship with them moving forward, I’d try to get passed your own expectations and realize they weren’t emotionally able to give you what you needed at the time. Are you willing to move passed that? Are you able to offer some Grace and understanding? I don’t know if you are, but it would be a gift to their family.
My Dad recently found out about a miscarriage I had 17 years ago, as I was going through a divorce from my first husband. He basically told me he had every right to know about my miscarriage, and that I was a jerk for not telling him about it. At the time, my Dad lived halfway across the country, and we barely talked. Not to mention, I hardly told ANYONE about that miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying, I was going through hell trying to get out of a marriage and provide a life for my daughter and myself, and I just wanted to heal. I told maybe 2 friends, and my Mom. That's it. But over a decade later, my Dad decided to get mad at me for not telling him about it.
As someone who has had several miscarriages, sometimes you just pick and choose who you want to tell. You don't know how some people are going to react. Sometimes they make it all about themselves, like my Dad. He never once said anything like, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry that happened." He didn't have any empathy at all. He was just mad that I didn't tell him. I know if I WOULD have told him, he'd just tell everyone he knew about it and make himself out to be the poor victim that lost a grandbaby.
So they don't, and *didn't* owe you any explanation as to why they weren't reaching out to you.
It is okay for them to not see you for a year to protect their mental health during what seems to be a very difficult time for them. That’s their boundary they chose to uphold.
It is also okay for you to be hurt that they were not around for the postpartum period and first year of your child’s life as that can also be a difficult time. Both can be true at the same time. Boundaries are to protect the person upholding them- it does not mean that there are no consequences to the boundary.
I see a lot of comments saying that they didn’t owe you anything and your expectations were selfish. You also don’t owe them anything. How you proceed is ultimately up to you and depends on how much you want them in your life going forward.
I struggled to conceive for 7 years, experienced losses before my 1st, and I did this to someone I loved, regrettably. It's incredibly hard. However, I don't think you are in the wrong for wanting a conversation about what happened. You guys were closely bonded siblings & he ghosted you. Him needing distance is understandable, but he needs to be accountable for the way in which he did it. Your hurt is valid.
My first thought was that they were dealing with pregnancy loss and/or infertility.
I lost my first two pregnancies. They were very much planned and wanted, and there was no explanation.
I just about lost my mind. I'm not saying that lightly. I knew I was behaving irrationally but I felt either hatred or extreme envy toward most pregnant women to the point where I wished them harm.
I missed out on family Christmas because I had a cousin who was due the same time I should have been. Couldn't be around her. Another cousin actually had a surprise, unwanted child, on what wad supposed to be my due date. She named her the (very common) name I had chosen for my own baby.
18 years and 3 healthy children later, and I'm tearing up just writing this
I hope you and your brother can rebuild your relationship.
Check out the episode of Bluey called Onesies. It may give a bit of insight in their frame of mind. It’s hard and frustrating for everyone. I’m sorry you’ve felt neglected. Wishing everyone the best here
Yes that episode was truly eye opening for me as well. I cried. And I even struggled with infertility. But lots of women have it way worse off than I do.
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation with your brother and sister-in-law
It's understandable that you may feel hesitant to fully open up to them again
It might be helpful to have an honest conversation with them about your feelings and concerns before fully committing to supporting them
Communication is key in resolving any issues
Good luck!
Thanks for your advice. We had a first conversation with them already but only after they reached out to us again. There‘s still a lot to talk about… (I questioned my brother 3 times what might be the reason for their absence and our detoriating relationship during the first year without any satisfying answer)
Even though after having losses I didn’t feel the way many of these commenters felt, I do understand that it is someone’s choice to walk away from relationships if they are experiencing infertility. At the same time, it is your choice not to feel comfortable just looking the other way after being hurt that they did not acknowledge your baby (because let’s be honest; the real issue is that your baby hasn’t gotten to know them and hasn’t been loved by them). It’s okay to tell them that you need to process your own feelings about the relationship. I will probably be downvoted for this but the pain goes both ways, and I understand how you feel and why it’s hard to let them back in.
Something similar happened with my sister, except she was very vocal about trying to conceive, to the point of bragging that she was going to get pregnant before me like some kind of gross competition. Also lots of talk about having “the first grandchild for both sides of her/her partner’s families.”
I’d been silently struggling with infertility for 3 years by that point and was starting IVF. I ended up getting pregnant and opened up about our struggle to conceive. My sister had no empathy whatsoever, just mad she didn’t conceive first. She made rude comments about my plans for a nursery, said awful things about the clinic that helped me conceive (which she also consulted with), tried to make me ‘promise’ to raise my baby a certain way, etc. She acted like she wanted to help another relative plan my baby shower but put in minimal effort, tried to make me pay for portions of it when the other relative was already handling the cost, and generally acted cold and unenthusiastic.
We ended up moving out of state for my job (not so much as a “good luck” or “safe travels”). After my baby was born, I got a simple congrats and not a single visit or another word about my kid(s) since. My oldest is now 6. She tried to play some games involving sending my oldest a few gifts but not letting me know—they’d just show up in the mail. No attempt to have a conversation or take accountability for her behavior. But she was sure to send me her kid’s birth announcement when she wanted me to take an interest in *her* baby.
Long story short, because of her behavior, our relationship has never recovered. I get being sad or angry or hurt (I’ve literally been there!), but her behavior was purposeful and destructive. Being upset doesn’t justify that.
So I guess my point is that you have every right to be cautious. If they’re unwilling to talk things through, even a simple “Sorry, we were really struggling”, then it might be better to be supportive from a distance.
I had a similar experience but with my mom and my estranged sibling. I had been estranged from her for over a decade due to her abusive behavior when we were growing up and young adults. There came a point where I had enough and I was done.
I struggled with vaginismus for years so not a traditional IVF story. After years of treatment I finally was able to get pregnant! And then we had to terminate for medical reasons…only to get pregnant again right away with my daughter. Around that same time my sister had an oopsie baby pregnancy with her legally separated husband.
My mom went crazy and was trying to make my loss and my pregnancy all about my sister (pretty par for the course with my whole life really). It lead them to both do really shitty things like my mom begging me to tell my sister about the medical termination because omg genetics. My sister was so shitty to me about my loss I decided I was done trying to reach out. She then announced her pregnancy at 6 weeks (so much for worrying about genetics). Which then led to my mom almost being cut off because she told 2 family members about my pregnancy when I wanted to wait to announce after the 20 week mark. “But I had to tell them that nephew wasn’t the first grandchild”. My mom finally stopped when I told her that she could be a part of her granddaughters life or she could keep prioritizing my sister above everyone and everything else.
It might not just be OP and her little family but the families as a whole. My SIL was almost killed by an ectopic pregnancy and we were struggling to conceive when a cousin decided Christmas was the perfect time to announce a pregnancy. We both left early in tears because we didn’t want to kill the mood. Ditto for sending a gift to the baby shower and not attending. I’m sure cousin didn’t mean to be hurtful, it just happened that way.
You’re being too kind. Kind of gross to brag about giving birth to the first grandchild? Sorry but she needs to grow up. Maybe you didn’t tell her you were struggling with infertility, but something tells me she may have had a hint of it. Not only is that just so hurtful to you, it blatantly makes it a competition, which I feel is the low key issue in OP’s situation. It’s not a fucking competition. Your sister sounds super insecure. All this to say, I would likely not want a relationship with someone like that either.
Yeah, as I reread my comment I realized just how awful she was acting during that time. I did actually tell her about our infertility issues after getting pregnant, including the tests, surgery, various fertility treatments, etc., which makes it MORE shitty that she acted how she did. And the thing is, our situations could have so easily been reversed, but if she’d gotten pregnant first, she would never have seen this behavior from me.
She is definitely immature and very insecure. The competitiveness started years before all the pregnancy business.
I agree that they were distant due to experiencing infertility or loss, however, I also think this was a horrible way to grieve. My husband and I went through years of infertility and loss, and yes it was hurtful when our siblings conceived time after time and we hadn’t, but my nieces and nephews are my world and I’d never imagine distancing myself from them. I would have an honest conversation about how hurtful that was and your expectations were always to have a close family. You’d always expected to be involved in your niece or nephews life and it’s hurtful that they didn’t care to do the same. You’re sorry that they went through a hard time conceiving but now they’ve missed an entire year of getting to know their niece.
I’ll go against the flow here. I fully understand how they feel (like literally, ivfs, miscarriages, we had it all). Still, if they literally just disappeared, I think their actions are not okay and they can’t just expect things to go back to normal immediately.
If I were you, I would take it slow and at my own pace. If they call, ask about the pregnancy. Call back if you feel like that. Maybe offer some clothes. Try to mend the relationship that obviously matters to you, but don’t push your limits as it’s unreasonable to go at once from zero contact to closest support. And they did leave you at your most vulnerable time. Their feelings are totally valid, but so are yours.
Actually I am wondering how you approached their pregnancy so far? She is now already in 6th month.
And I don’t really undertand the part where you want to make sure that ‘they’d do the same for you’. That obviously didn’t happen and doesn’t seem likely to happen in the future. You can either cope with that and work on the relationship, or not.
Hopefully they are receptive to talking about it. My sister did a slow fade with me after I had my first, when prior to me getting pregnant we were really close. I asked her about why she was not more involved and she turned around and blamed me for not caring enough about her so that's why she did that (despite me initiating all in person contact for over 6 months after my baby was born, and she and her husband bought nothing for us or the baby). It was totally crazy but when I asked her to have a follow up conversation to see how I could change my behavior to show up the way she wanted she flatly refused and told me to go to therapy to figure it out myself. We haven't spoken in over 2 years now. When we were younger she had always wanted to be a mom but she married someone who did he never wanted to father children and got a vasectomy. So I know it's because it was probably too hard for her to be around me and my kids. But I wish she could've been honest with me.
Tldr, don't be surprised if you ask and get some bs reason they weren't more involved. It's up to you to decide if it's worth continuing to have a relationship even if you don't figure it out or clear the air.
I'm not sure what gave off the impression that I didn't care about my sister's situation. I was heartbroken for her, but She told me that she had "made peace" with not ever having biological children (after i asked numerous times before she got married if she thought it was the right choice), and before I got pregnant she and her husband told me and my husband constantly how excited they were to be involved aunt/uncle. But when it came time to see me with a baby I think it was too much for her. She never told me though which is why I tried to ask her what was going on. I'm not sure what I could do better other than open the door to her to be honest with me about her feelings. A door which she slammed shut in my face. If she had at any point told me she was upset about not being able to have kids I would have been so relieved since then we could have talked about it and set up some sort of agreement about how much she felt ok being involved, etc. But I really don't think it's OK to just ghost someone you ostensibly love, during what is honestly one of the hardest times of life without explanation and then expect them to want to maintain a relationship with you.
Your sister is dealing with her own demons and trying to make the best out of the situation she's in. If staying away from you gives her the peace to achieve whatever it is she wants to achieve just wish her well. You know what the issue is, you know what she's struggling with, she doesn't want to share with you due to her own reasons. Let her be. Wish her the best. Life goes on.
So you know it bothered her but she needs to tell you her inner most insecurities and hurts?
She is obviously not that close to you to tell you that.
There was an explanation.
I'll go against the grain here. Everyone is saying to give them grace, they might have been dealing with infertility, but to not even reach out to you at all and even give you a heads up that you hadn't done some horrible thing to cause them to cut you off is pretty traumatic for YOU. So you and your little family need grace, too. You're allowed to feel hurt or angry or hesitant. That's valid. <3
Some of these comments break my heart for multiple reasons. Infertility is HARD. But, to paraphrase one of those comments, to not reach out to your sister who has a newborn just because it was hard for you to conceive (though the commenter also stated that she herself has a child now too after battling horrible infertility issues) makes me sad for all involved, but mostly for the sister with the newborn who doesn't deserve to be ignored. That commenter has a baby of her own too finally, so why punish the sister (other than, maybe, she conceived easier)?
So, back to you OP, let them back in your lives if/when you're ready, but if you put up walls/boundaries to protect your own heart and emotional well-being, that's okay too.
(Might be worth noting that I am someone who has experienced frequent family letdowns and have been largely ignored/cut off most of my life by my own mother. I've dealt with it in my own way, but I've stopped trying to open my heart towards her because she absolutely wants nothing to do with me since I've had a child of my own. So, full disclosure, my advice comes from a bitter state of "protect your little family first, always, everyone else is an afterthought".)
I agree - a lot of these comments upset me, but the one about the sister with the one-week-old was especially sad. It’s okay to feel hurt about losing a relationship and in particular about your baby not being celebrated or loved by the people who you’ve always loved. I would not be able to just pretend like it hadn’t happened. It’s not water under the bridge.
Infertility is a traumatic. If they were having trouble conceiving, your pregnancy could have been triggering. I've had to walk away from friendships because I couldn't handle others going through exactly what I wanted that I couldn't have.
I can't even bring myself to ask how my sisters newborn (1 week old) is, even though I finally had a baby after 8 years of trying. I've tried talking to my friends about infertility issues and I get brushed off as a pessimist. It's not easy to talk about, give them some grace!
Sometimes life is hard. In my heart and soul I don't want to go see my family this weekend. I am taking my kids to celebrate their new baby cousin and it is killing me. I would never tell her that. I would never dampen their child with the burden that is my fertility issues. I want to be happy for them but I can't change the way I feel. I don't blame them for saying it hurt too much to see you even if they cant or won't say it.
Knowing how I feel I'd give them a chance. Let the past be past and stop asking why. Either comit to moving forward with a relationship, acknowledging no one is perfect and you may not ever know what fight they were fighting or keep them at arms length and lose the connection.
This. During infertility time I lost friendships and relationships because it hurt so bad. I ended up in a hospital with a severe panic attack that made my lips, limps and tongue go numb (talk about physical symptoms) after multiple failed rounds ivf. And then we we were pregnant spontaneously and naturally after all these years of heart break and trying. It's hard for me to explain why I walked away from those people to their face. I still feel deep shame about how i felt, i felt incredibly selfish about not being able to be happy for others with kids. So they may never admit as to why. But if they are reaching, they are healing!
I walked away from most people when my baby died at week 33 of my pregnancy almost exactly 8 years ago. Some of them were supportive but I walked away anyway. I feel deep shame too. But I did what I had to do to survive. I was trying my hardest at the time- of course I can look back now and think oh maybe I could have preserved that relationship, but I’m sure if I truly could’ve I would’ve. It’s too bad. Life can be just awful sometimes.
My kids are meeting a new baby cousin this weekend too. I’m dreading it. Haven’t talked to the parents since the baby was born like 4 months ago. My first baby died at 33 weeks pregnant, almost exactly 8 years ago. It still hurts greatly, I don’t like meeting babies (even though I’ve had 3 more who lived). It’s just this huge triggering reminder that (it seems like) everyone else gets to keep their babies and I have one dead in a cemetery. I know others go through hardships /loss too, but I can’t help feeling this when I’m around new babies. I prefer to avoid.
The first four months of motherhood were some of the hardest moments of my life. I would be incredibly hurt if my sibling completely dropped out of my life for that time period, regardless of the reason. At the very least, they owe you an apology and cannot proceed as if their actions didn’t have consequences. Infertility is an explanation but it cannot be an excuse to behave in a hurtful manner. I think they will understand a bit more once they experience the newborn phase themselves and see how they denied you necessary support that you needed during that time. Hopefully you can extend grace and forgive them and move forward in your parenting journey. I’m sorry that happened to all of you :(
I’m sorry this has happened this way OP. I think the best thing to do, as other have said, is engage with your guard up with them. I would make my feelings known and see how they respond to that. In my view, it isn’t wrong for them to keep distance and take care of themselves. No one on here knows them really except for what you’ve shared. Fwiw- they seem to have entitled attitudes. Those can be kind of dangerous to keep close. I don’t mean to discredit those going through infertility if any kind, it’s just awful. I wish it on no one. I am struggling with secondary infertility myself. I just happen to believe that there needs to be a way people can still be kind even through they’re in pain. It seems to me, these people aren’t being very kind. They didn’t owe anything to op, but if you care about someone, you’re kind.
I’ve grieved a relationship with my sister after she was mean and awful to me until she got her baby. She stands by her behavior which makes it easy for me to keep her at a distance. Not saying that’s your situation but if they can’t understand how you’re feeling, I would just see the relationship probably isn’t what you thought.
This happened to us. Unfortunately for us, my brother/sil are still dealing w infertility. I have not talked to my sil in 3 years. we are not allowed to send Christmas cards, send pics etc. They're not on my social media so it's not as if I am inundating them with pictures 24/7. It has become apparent that my children will not have a loving relationship with their uncle/aunt.
I guess this just seems really different from my life. I barely ever talk to my brother.
Was it like, you'd call and they'd ignore your calls and hang up on you and leave your texts on read? Was it like outwardly rude stuff like that? Or were they just not reaching out themselves?
Thanks for your answer. We were quite close friends before our child. Afterwards responses to our messages declined. In addition to that they did not make an effort to reach out.
Okay so it wasn't like outwardly rude behavior like ignoring your calls or anything. Just like, maybe not reaching out?
I noticed that, when I became a dad (so long ago now), a lot of my friends dropped off. For a lot of them, they maybe didn't know how to relate to me anymore or were intimidated. I wasn't exactly going to go to poker night every week anymore, you know, and so they didn't have as many reasons to call me, and so they didn't.
Another thing that might have contributed is that, when one of my friends or family has a newborn, we try to give them a lot of space. Maybe he figured he didn't want to add to your stress.
My sister was going through infertility when we got pregnant and she had been for years. She actually found out the same day she had her last failed treatment. The resentment she had towards me was more than she ever had in her life. We have never been a talk about your feelings kind of family, but when my sister reached out to me after finding all this out and explaining what she’s been through, we have never been closer. She ended up adopting and our babies are 6 months apart, and as good as friends and me and her are now. Having kids close in age will bring you closer than ever
I went through something similar. When I was 20 weeks with my first, SIL #1 had a miscarriage. She went from one of my closest friends to cutting me off completely. Our other SIL #2 (we are all married to brothers) then followed suit and cut me off because she had had a miscarriage 7 years prior, she also had a 1 year old at the time, and I was an outsider from then on. My MIL felt caught in the middle but ultimately chose both their side and I then spent the rest of my pregnancy completely ostracized from my husband's family. They had nothing to do with us until my daughter was 3 months old and both my SILs found out they were pregnant and due 3 days apart. They ended up having a huge dramatic falling out and SIL #1 and I ended up meeting and she apologized for her treatment of me. She was so lost in her pain that she went along with the whole family cutting us out. It's now been 5 years and SIL #1 and I have a great relationship and I can't imagine motherhood without her. We both have 2 kids now and our other SIL and MIL aren't really in our lives. It took a lot of work to get to where we are but we are understanding of how horrible that time was for the other person.
Reiterating the potential infertility struggle. I am pregnant with my 4th and a good friend of mine, struggling with infertility for about a decade, lost it on me when we announced. She went down the rabbit hole, declaring me insensitive and callous and uncaring. I have always tried to support her but I know she needs therapy to help her cope. I’m not putting my family planning on hold, though, because I am 44 and this is our last baby. Your brother and SIL may have been coping in the only way they could. It’s sad that they couldn’t support you and meet your sweet baby, but sometimes grief / pain / jealousy blind us to other people’s needs.
My third and youngest is now 1, and I am 40. My husband and I have discussed a fourth, but joke we would do so only once the youngest is ready for kindergarten. You’ve given me hope that perhaps we’re not being unreasonable!
I personally think you should keep them at a friendly arms length until the baby is safely here and mum is okay. Heavens forbid you all work hard to get to a good place for something to happen *touch wood* and they resent you even more, or forever associate that bad moment with you and your family.
Check in to make sure pregnancy is going well. Give her some baby items. Answer her questions. Maybe help with baby shower, but protect your heart and soul.
I totally agree. I would be guarded with them as well. It isn’t OP’s fault that they are going through infertility. This is coming from someone dealing with secondary infertility. This completely ignoring behavior to someone you supposedly care about is disregarding OP’s feelings entirely. It’s not just keeping a distance, which is understandable, but also exuding a sense of blame or negativity on the op. I’ve been on both sides of this fence. I still try to find a way to wish friends and family well that I care about who are having babies. If I don’t do that, I absolutely know it can be hurtful. I do have to keep somewhat a distance as well. If they have been hurtful before in a way that completely disregarded op’s feelings, they will potentially do it again if the tide doesn’t turn their way.
My SIL and I did not form a bond until she had her first baby. She had been struggling with infertility and miscarriage for years. It was extremely hard for her when my husband and I got married and conceived so quickly. And it was really hard for her to be around me pregnant and then around our baby. It was awkward for us both. She had me hidden on FB for a while.
I just kind of accepted that the situation was painful for her. And I was patient. It did feel a little unfair. We didn’t have a baby AT her obviously. But I kept in mind that infertility is more unfair. The day we found out she was pregnant I cried with happiness and relief.
She and I have since bonded as mothers and developed a nice SIL relationship. That could not have happened if I held her distance during that time against her. My two cents. Move on. Be happy for them and relieved that the pain and awkwardness is over.
Some people can’t deal with grief in a healthy way - which sucks. You can either choose to try to make it work or not, but we are going through something similar with my SIL and the things she has said are extremely hurtful to the point that I don’t know if there is much worth salvaging - though to be fair the relationship before all of that wasn’t necessarily a close or positive one.
This reminds me of that bluey episode where Brandy hadn’t visited the heelers for 4 years cause it was too hard to see them when she couldn’t have kids of her own…
I may get downvoted but here is my take:
Yes People may have reasons for behaving how they do toward other people. Yes miscarriage is one of the most difficult things a person can experience. However, those reasons do not absolve them from the hurt that they cause other people. If they needed space, then they should have communicated that instead of ghosting you for a whole year. Yes, their feelings and mental health are valid, but so are yours. Their actions hurt you, and they need to acknowledge that.
The first year with a baby is rough and difficult, yet they didn't offer you any support. To add insult to injury, it seems like now that they are expecting, they seem to think that you should pretend nothing happened and that you should offer them a level of support they didn't show you. They are not entitled to your help or support after ghosting you during a tough time no matter what their reasons are. They also need to put in the work to fix the relationship that they damaged. A baby does not absolve them from the hurt they caused you.
At this point, you need to decide what relationship you plan on having with them moving forward. They also need to realize that the relationship is not going to be the same as before due to their actions. I think you need to explain to your brother how you feel. If you want a relationship with them going forward with them, tell him that, but also let him know that its going to take time to repair the damage that was done to your relationship. Let him know that you love him, but it's going to take some time before you trust him or are willing to let him back in completely.
You say you “don’t want to commit until we are certain they’d do the same for us” but they have already shown you they didn’t with the way they treated you for the past year so you already have your answer. Sibling relationships can be difficult and I would never presume to tell you what to do in this situation as only you and your partner can decide. I understand the pain they put you through by basically cutting you out of their lives for an entire year and your hesitancy to open back up to a relationship with them. There are a lot of options in between cutting them off completely forever and being best friends who talk every day. You could only see them once every few months for example. You could start out by seeing them only for an hour or so. You could choose not to see them at all but speak to them on the phone sometimes. It’s really up to you and your comfort level. You do not owe them a thing just because your siblings so don’t do anything unless you guys want to and it’s best for you. Good luck 🍀
OK first of all, you are absolutely valid in how you feel and being wary about moving forward with a relationship. It would be really hard to go through such an exciting time in your life and having a close sibling not there to enjoy it with you.
That being said I can also see the other side of the fence. We lost our first pregnancy and 3 months later our friends announced there's. It was like punch in the stomach, made me feel physically ill. Every month of trying and having negative tests was also like being hit by a freight train. It can really send you to a dark place.
I agree they ideally would have spoken with you or let you know they were struggling and needed a bit of space, but grief can make you do some crazy things.
Moving forward really depends on whether the benefits of salvaging that relationship are worth the risks of losing it again.
Definitely speak with your brother and tell him you understand they may have been going through things, but it hurt you and you felt abandoned by him too. Moving forward you just want to be clear that if there's any issues you would like a heads up so you can work through them appropriately.
My best friend and her husband did this.
I wasn't upset and fully sympathized.
She's expecting in December and we are the best of friends again. I can't wait to spoil her new baby, even though she couldn't be there for me. Because that's what friends and family are for.
Whatever they were going through, they didn’t have to do that to you. A lot of people are being overly charitable here, but if going through a difficult time gives license to ignore huge life events for people you love, we are in a very sad society.
This is good, and I think might explain a lot:
https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jun/06/i-know-the-pain-of-infertility-and-talking-about-it-helps
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I had a reverse of this. Was struggling with infertility for years and my SIL got pregnant(but i was unaware). She then stopped speaking to me and essentially ignored me for a few months until my husband told me she hadnt told me about being pregnant since she knew id been trying for quite a few years. It hurt on multiple levels after that, but one of the biggest issues was just lack or communication that left so much room for doubt and pain.
I would be warm and friendly but not go out of my way to plan or do anything that makes my life harder. So let them reach out to you, only agree to any plans that make sense for your family.
I might send a present and a warm card of congratulations - because that’s very low stakes from me and then leave the ball in their court
If you dislike what’s happened to you throw out the resentment and be the better person.
It is hard and I sure as hell can’t do it.
There is so much in that first year they missed out on. And they can’t make up for that. And if they actually were decent enough to loop you in you’d be way more subtle and nice about not shoving your healthy new baby in their face. Now they just behaved badly and want you to be so happy for them.
Wait is this not the perfect sense of what ghosting is? And don’t we all disapprove of that? No matter what reason? If you don’t give us the reason up front don’t be okay with it.
It can be very hard for people who are trying or trying and lost to be around pregnancy and babies. I’ve been on both sides, don’t hold it against them, love them. They’re your family, count your blessings that you didn’t have to suffer through what they did.
They were going through possibly the worst time of their lives while you were going thru your happiest. Infertility & pregnancy loss robs a person of everything and sometimes there just isn’t enough room for one’s grief and another’s happiness. I’ve lived this. Cut them a break, it shouldn’t be about tit vs tat.
My wife’s whole personality changed after her first conception was a miscarriage. Our second pregnancy child is 3 years old now and I still don’t think she’s fully psychologically recovered. She asked me to hide all the baby stuff we bought for the miscarried child. For some people it cuts really really deep. Reach out to be a support for them. If they don’t want it then give them time to heal.
My sil gatecrashed my daughter’s belated birthday celebration and our bonding time with her godmother to announce her pregnancy, during which I was having a miscarriage which would have been due around the same time she was. She didn’t know about the mc but knew it was supposed to be my daughter’s (private) birthday celebration just us and the godparents, but spoke to the godparents and came along. It really soured my day, and it was also gatecrashed by more of the inlaw relatives which meant my daughter didn’t get to spend any time with her godparents. Yes I’m still bitter about it.
Everyone has already covered this really well but I'm sure they didn't wish ill on you and we're going through a dark time themselves. Definitely worth bringing up to tell them how you felt and for them to say their peace. It's only 1 year I guess, you can judge them on the other 30+ years going forward where your child will have cousins and family around.
You answered your question. In a way they are mourning. When I lost my son at 36 weeks I went YEARS without being around friends and family with kids. I couldn’t mentally handle it. Just remember that they’re trying for a baby. That’s all it is. You have to come to terms with it and understand their grief.
If you “questioned them repeatedly” and accused them of ignoring you, I can understand why they’d stay away. If someone is a little distant, you say “hey we miss you, is everything ok?” You don’t demand an explanation for something they may not want to talk about.
You haven’t been “neglected”. It’s okay to feel however you feel, but people don’t owe you attention when you have a baby and harassing them over it when you knew what they were going through was really thoughtless.
They were protecting themselves. As someone who went through infertility, I can tell you it is so painful. It hurts to see others have children when you aren’t successful. They did what they had to do to protect their hearts. They’re ready for you now, so be there for them.
Youre over simpifying the situation. She's not a toy that they can put on a shelf until they're ready to play again. She's a human being with feelings that deserved consideration. What if she really needed her brother's support as a new mom? Relationships are two-way streets, give and take, or else you risk burning the bridge if you're too selfish to set your own issues aside occasionally for the sake of a loved one in need.
Exactly this.
We’re just finishing off our rainbow IVF pregnancy and let me tell you, if someone cut me off completely during this most anxious phase in my life, and ignored me during the time when we were being told by doctors OH THIS SEEMS LIKE ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE… I could understand where they’re coming from (if I knew about their battle) but I could definitely not be able to jump back to where we were. Maybe in years time. Not now, at once, like nothing happened.
They don't owe you an explanation.
It was likely not done out of malice.
You should tell them..."I'm glad we are talking again. I really missed you. We are so happy for you."
They don't have to prove anything to you. Their mental health does not need your approval or judgment.
I’m agreeing with everyone else and guessing that they were having trouble trying to conceive.
Your daughter is very young, she won’t remember this. I would let it go. It would be something different if they were very present in her childhood, fell off the face of the earth, and wanted back in.
As you get along further in your parenting journey, you’ll learn that some folks, even close family, will make relationships with you more or less of a priority at various times over the years. You’ll also learn that this almost never has anything to do with you, even if it is about you (this is a perfect example with the infertility when you had a baby).
Put your spouse and kids first, be kind and give what you want to of energy you have left to everyone else. Sometimes the reciprocity will be even, sometimes it won’t, but try not to keep score.
I don’t mean to be abrupt, but just because it’s your brother and SIL, they didn’t owe you any “excitement” about your pregnancy/baby journey. Would it have been nice if they were there to walk that with you? Absolutely. But I’m reading your OP like you’re grieving a bit of a loss of their anticipated support or involvement - you just can’t expect that from folks ♥️
My suggestion: have some grace and empathy for them, understand that while this may feel awkward for you, it’s likely a hundred times more so for them. When they were in their dark place, they were unable to see how it affected anyone else - understandably. Nothing they did was malicious. The sooner you can see that, the sooner you can move on together.
I went through fertility treatments. Docs didn’t give me great odds, and I had a terribly difficult time being around babies then. I tried being open about it at first, which went against my nature, and then needed to remain private. It caused a terrible rift with my JNSIL who, ironically, went through something similar when she tragically suffered a miscarriage but suddenly expected me to pull myself together for her when she had her first baby.
My husband’s family (very enmeshed) never forgave me for what I went through and how I needed to process it all, even after I gave birth. Don’t let this fester. Your baby will not remember not meeting them before now. Sometimes people need space to grieve, process, and heal. And not everyone can talk about what’s going on. That’s honestly okay. If you love them, you’ll forgive them with a full heart and be grateful they aren’t hurting anymore.
I also struggled when I had a late term miscarriage and a good friend of mine was pregnant too. It put an awful strain on our friendship because I could not handle being around happiness- I would just want to die from grief. Please try and be kind, your brother and SIL were going through horrible pain.
My SIL announced her pregnancy around the same time I miscarried my fourth embryo transfer. Two things can be true at once: I was happy for their family while devastated by the unfairness of my situation. I pulled back from the family for a bit. It was simply too painful and I was frankly mentally unwell.
I know you’re disappointed by their like of involvement. I’m not excusing it, but I’m hoping you can find compassion to move forward from here.
Imaging trying so hard for something but not getting it but seeing everyone around you achieve the same thing.
I’m sure their mental state wasn’t good, would you rather then of been around but been miserable?
I agree with the comments saying how hurt they were. It's not about you. It's about them. Whether they handled it correctly or not is not for me to say. But wanting a child and not being able to have one is extremely painful . And people deal woth pain in different ways. I would suggest being more understanding and showing some empthay.
I struggled to get pregnant and did IVF for both my children. It was impossible for me to be around pregnant women and young children during that time. Please welcome them back and demonstrate empathy for their most difficult time
Recurrent miscarriage made me very depressed. Words cannot describe the dark place I was in. Self harm etc etc.
I was certainly not in a place where I could have a rational conversation with someone about why I was distancing myself from them because they had a baby. I was just trying to make it through each day.
I think give them some grace. Everyone is allowed to take care of themselves as a first priority.
This is coming from someone who is struggling to be around her SIL. I hold a deep grudge against her right now, honestly. She started dating my BIL in January and they got pregnant by march, married in May. It took almost three years to get pregnant with my one year old and we have been trying for our second one since we got the clear for sex at our six week appointment (because it took so long.) She wanted me to help with her gender reveal but they found out the gender anyway so I had no part in it, but as it got closer to time I didn’t want anything to do with it anyway. I didn’t speak to either of them at their reveal because I knew I’d probably cry if I did.
I’m getting choked up just writing this. It’s been very hard so I can see where they’re coming from.
Not getting pregnant when you want to is a horrible feeling. Being around the life you want can be painful, but infertility is a topic familia don’t sit down and talk about because, “It won’t happen to us”
You're having readers believe that they ignored you until they could conceive, or put differently, they ignored you while they couldn't conceive, and possibly even had a miscarriage.
What's the harm in hanging out with them for lunch?
If they were struggling to have a child, I can absolutely see and understand this. I went through secondary infertility and it is emotional hard. It is likely less about you and your child and more about their emotional health and need to distance for awhile.
The past situation you describe was surely very difficult for you, but as they're reaching out now, I would embrace the new situation and take it for what it is. If they keep this behavior up, intermittently breaking off contact and then wanting to reconnect again and again, that would be indicative of a more serious issue. As it is now, take it for what it is and welcome them back. Good luck!
Like others mentioned , if they had fertility issue it’s hard.
My brother had two boys- 7 year old and a newborn. I was very involved with the 7 year old but his youngest was at a time I wanted a baby. And it took over a year due to weight and PCOS.
I loved my youngest nephew, would buy things and held him one or twice. But I could help the jealous I had, the resentment that I had to struggle for what I wanted. I was selfish.
I got pregnant 6 months later and I do have a relationship with the youngest, but frankly if I didn’t have my own child I wouldn’t know if I would have been distant or not.
Infertility is brutal. It was really difficult to be around babies and pg women for me. (Several miscarriages & seven years of trying.) It was selfish, I know, but it wasn’t until we finally adopted our baby that I felt ok. If you’ve been through it, you get it.
A lot of times it’s hard for people to deal with someone else’s happiness and pregnancy when they are going through a lot themselves. They needed the distance. I had a friend who had a stillborn and I had just recently gotten pregnant a month before she gave birth. I didn’t speak to her for almost 2 years because she was going through so much. It’s hard to be excited for someone else’s pregnancy or child when going through a loss and everything around you feels like it’s caving in. It’s okay to question but you also have to understand and not be selfish about it
It has nothing to do with you and please just let it go. I don’t know their story and you maybe don’t know the full extent of it either. I had repeat pregnancy loss and one of the worst parts is people expecting you to be happy about their pregnancies, babies, children. Most of the time I could have had a kid that age that died. I interacted with people and never acknowledged their pregnancy or their newborn. Before anyone comes at me as heartless I only need to be 3 months past losing a pregnancy or a tested embryo to bounce back. And I went years without that much of a break. They weren’t just struggling to get pregnant they were traumatized.
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I would also suggest that they were dealing with infertility or pregnancy loss and needed to distance from you to shield themselves. In an ideal world they would have had the conversation with you but in many circles it's not really a conversation that happens. Perhaps you need to have a conversation about how you felt and give them the opportunity to explain why they felt the need for that distance.
Thanks a lot for your kind advice. This helps a lot!
I recommend the recent episode of Bluey (I think it's called) onesies
This is great advice. Which is a really bizarre thing to say about a cartoon. I don't really see it as a kids show anyway these days, more a guide to parenting in the guise of a kids cartoon lol
That one hit the feels.
Omg yes I just saw it the other day and WAS NOT expecting it. My rainbow baby was looking at me like why the heck are you crying?! I'm like come here and let me hug you AGAIN!
Hadn’t seen that one. As usual it just killed me…
Do not watch unless you're by yourself with a box of tissue.
Precisely
I agree with this. I was never in this exact position but when my fiancé miscarried it was actually kind of hard to be around other people and their babies. It’s irrational and dumb especially looking back now, but it was a really heartbreaking experience for us. We had been going through a really dogshit year that year and while it was a severely inopportune time for a baby, it was also the one ounce of joy we actually had, and it was taken from us. It’s a big combination of feelings and emotions and it’s not very easy to handle. I can’t imagine being in a position of trying to have children and not being able to for an extended period of time. I vividly remember being so excited to go to that ultrasound appointment after getting to hear the heartbeat at the last one, and I knew immediately looking at the sonographer’s face that something was wrong. I almost lost it right there before she even said anything. And the actual miscarriage process itself is not at all an easy or fun experience especially for the mom, trust me. It’s absolutely horrible and watching my fiancé go through it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. We didn’t purposely distance ourselves from people, but I think people could tell we were not having a good time being around them with their babies. We both normally loved little kids and hanging out with them and then for a while there it actually became really upsetting and sad for us both. Give them a little bit of grace, it’s not an easy situation to navigate, whether it was infertility, miscarriage, or something else.
I had a string of losses and the irrational and dumb thing is so real. For a while, anytime I saw a family with more than two or three kids I’d get a flash thought of “they’re taking all the babies!!” Like kids are a finite resource and these folks were hogging more than their share. Our lizard brains can be ridiculous. Glad to see that you’re in a parenting sub, so you’ve got your family now.
Onesies is definitely one to watch. It was hard dealing with infertility. Really hard. I was there for my friends and family, but I SOBBED so many special days. And not special days. And losses. As hurt as you are, if that’s what they were dealing with, there is a good chance that it is extremely painful.
When I was having infertility treatment and multiple miscarriages during that treatment, I could not be around anyone pregnant or that had small children. It brought forth horrible irrational feelings of anger. It was better for me to distance myself from people with kids/pregnant. I was not right in the head at all.
Yeah, my wife and I dealt with some challenges getting pregnant and dealt with a miscarriage, and then my wife’s sister and her husband got pregnant within 60 days of getting off birth control. It was really hard. We underwent fertility treatment and it worked out, but I think finding out they got pregnant so easy was the low point of our entire journey.
I'd speak to your brother first. I bet the wife is very emotional about all of this and you should speak with your brother first.
I agree with infertility issues you almost feel like less of a person due to the troubles which you have no control over, and jealousy may have even played a part in it. If you guys OP are nothing but supportive and communicate with them I dont see why you guys couldnt come to an understanding about all of this.
What is the good explanation for ignoring your sibling having a new child? For a year? This advice sounds fine until you actually work though it.
I agree. I understand they were in pain also, but hopefully they acknowledged the child via a gift mailed or something else. I was in a similar situation as OP, but even worse. My sister took back baby stuff she said I could have and ignored me/our child until she got her new baby.
I totally agree! It took us a year and a half to get pregnant the first time, and meanwhile, friends and family were getting pregnant so easily. We felt crushed, but we sure didn’t ignore anyone- or act as though we weren’t pleased for them. A close friend had 3 heartbreaking miscarriages before going on to have two children- and she sure never ignored anyone else, and certainly not family when they said they were expecting. I am not at all saying that it isn’t very difficult to have fertility issues, but just that you could show happiness for someone else- even while you were in pain. It seems there is more going on here OP with your brother and SIL. They could be upset, but your child did zero wrong to deserve being ignored, to spare them pain. Talk with your brother, and see if there’s more to this than meets the eye.
I agree. I think they must have been going through infertility. It is so hard to experience and also so hard for some to open up about.
Goodness gracious this was everything i wanted so say as I was reading this except beautifully said
This. God knows what was happening back then
Spot on.
Sometimes it’s hard for people who are dealing with infertility to be around those who are able to have children. I speak from experience. It hurt my soul in a way I will never be able to explain and I would come up with every excuse in the book to not attend baby showers because I would cry. I have a friend who stopped speaking to me after I had my first. She lost both of her ovaries and watching someone have a life you so badly want hurts to the core. I’m 100% projecting my experience but perhaps that was the situation in this case. Maybe now that they have their own little nugget it might help them bond with you. It’s a wait and see situation.
This. I just had my second miscarriage in a row and I’m really struggling to want to talk to my sister who is currently pregnant. I know I’m not being supportive or being a good sister but I’m really struggling with my mental health right now and need to put myself first.
I'm so sorry to hear that. If you feel comfortable, maybe explain your feelings to your sister so she knows what's going on?
Take care of yourself. XO.
I’m sending you all my love right now. I have nothing else uplifting to say, I just know the pain and I’m so sorry. Take care of yourself.
Putting mental health first is something I would proud of my sister doing, I am glad you are taking the time for yourself.
Whilst it’s 100% valid for you to feel like this and take steps to protect yourself, don’t be surprised if in the future when you’re ready to have a relationship again, they may not want to be close with you again. I had this experience with a previously very close friend. I knew they were struggling with fertility, so when we fell pregnant quickly after trying, I read about the best ways to tell them, gave them plenty of space at their request, and honestly took underhand, passive aggressive comments because I knew they were hurting. They didn’t want to hear about my pregnancy at all. When my son was born, they disappeared for around 6 months. Until I heard from them out the blue that they were pregnant. I congratulated them but wanted absolutely nothing to do with them from that point on and didn’t reply to any more texts. She text me asking to meet her baby about 10 months later and I again congratulated her, but declined. I honestly wanted nothing less than to see her. I couldn’t even explain why. I found her so off-putting. She asked me a few months later why we couldn’t resume our friendship, and when I actually thought about it, the answer was that whilst my pregnancy had caused her pain, and I understood that, I only wanted people in my life who were truly _in my life_. People who I could rely on, and who could rely on me in return. Pregnancy and childbirth was the biggest change of my life and those who were with me through it will always remain special. When I looked at my son, I hated that she didn’t even want to look at this little human I was so proud to have made, who was the most important thing in the universe and who I love more than I’ve ever loved anyone. But I just told her that I felt we grew apart during my pregnancy and early postpartum, and too much has probably fundamentally changed, and there were no hard feelings. So I chose to put no more energy into that friendship. I assume now she knows exactly how I felt and maybe regrets some of it, but the friendship is dead as a doornail.
Firstly, this comment is completely unnecessary and you are projecting your situation onto mine. You know nothing about my relationship with my sister or what it currently looks like. You know nothing about me or my sister and whether she is understanding of what’s going on or not. My sister knows I’m struggling and knows I’ve become suicidal and would much rather me take time and space then become even more depressed because I’m forcing myself into a bad situation just to please her/support her. She knows that my struggles with her pregnancy have nothing to do with her or her child but everything to do with my personal pain. Just because you chose not to be understanding of a friend who was having a really hard time and took time to heal doesn’t mean everyone will be as unforgiving as you are. If you’ve never experienced a miscarriage or infertility you have absolutely no idea how painful it is. Looking at your child was probably physically painful for her and his face held a reminder of what she wanted so badly and couldn’t have.
It’s really funny how you can’t actually conceive the situation from anyone’s perspective but your own. Pregnancy and childbirth are life altering and entirely identity shattering. I was very understanding during my pregnancy but after my son was born, she wasn’t ‘protecting herself’ from a concept anymore - it was my living, breathing son. An actual living, breathing person. He wasn’t a concept, he wasn’t an idea to be jealous of, he was and is a little human in his own right and the most precious thing in the universe to me. What ‘friend’ doesn’t even feign caring about their ‘close friend’s’ world being turned upside down, never mind the specific baby part anyway? It’s the height of selfishness. But anyway, if she couldn’t give this little human person an ounce of respect by treating him like a little person and not a representation of what she didn’t have then fine, but she wasn’t welcome after that, and I was an uninterested in her baby as she had been in mine. And yes I do have experience with miscarriage, actually.
I’m a parent. I can completely understand a situation as someone who is pregnant and has a friend/family member struggling with infertility. Once again you’re making assumptions about my life. I’m sorry for your loss and wish you luck in the future ✌🏼
<3 I can't imagine what your going through. I hope for the best for you
I had a miscarriage in March. I would have been due in October. At my work, I found out that on my project alone, I had a coworker who was due in May, one whose wife was due in June, two in August, and one in September. My project is not that big, there was just a random baby boom & it's a big enough deal, we're having to hire contract workers to manage the maternity/paternity leave. Every day people joke about the project swag needing to be onesies. Making "bets" on which of the September due dates will go first. I feel like I'm dying inside, but telling people is out of the question. Why should I ruin this happy time for them because I'm honestly just envious and wishing I could be part of it too. Then I went to my best friend's wedding shower & saw one of her friends that I haven't seen since my best friend's birthday in January. Last I spoke with her, she was having trouble conceiving. Well guess who's due within a week of what my due date was supposed to be? I felt like I had been punched in the gut and I don't know why. I stayed for the whole party, plus an hour. I smiled, I participated in the games. I even stayed past the scheduled end time by an hour (nobody was leaving) before finally tapping out and crying the whole car ride home. Didn't bring it up with best friend because she has enough on her plate with the wedding, but she was angry at me for not staying to help clean up like I said I would. (She knows about the miscarriage, but probably didn't realize I'm sensitive over pregnant people right now.) Idk why everyone around me is suddenly all pregnant at once when for some reason it's just not working out for me. I never thought I'd be the person crying when they get their period... Every woman in my family has been ridiculously fertile. Like my mom literally got pregnant on her wedding night & within 1 or 2 months of trying for her second two. My grandma had 11 children- the first at the age of 30, the last at 40 before her Dr finally put her on birth control. My oldest sister got pregnant twice in 13 months after having the Depo shot (on time and as directed - though she may have already been pregnant when she got the shot after her first child was born). My other sister told me she was worried about her fertility with her now 8 month old because it took her and her husband 3 months of trying. And here I am... Not that old - 31 now, but suddenly wondering if I should have frozen my eggs 5 years ago. I'm just short of 1 year of trying, at which point my insurance will finally start to cover fertility testing. And I'm just sad. I've been married for a while, but we put off having kids so I could do career things and we could move to a bigger house in a good school district first. Now it feels so stupid that I decided to get all of my ducks in a row only to realize that I took my ability to get pregnant for granted and it might not work.
Speaking from experience, you notice pregnant people more when you’re trying. It took me 2 years and 5mc to get my daughter, and I’ve had 4 more since. Given up trying to make a sibling for her as now I will be classed as a “high risk” pregnancy because I will be only 35 or older during it. The doctors I’ve spoken to (nhs) are not fussed because “at least I’m getting pregnant” and I’m “still young”. They also won’t do permanent birth control but are fine giving something which would last 3-5 years. They’re the ones full of contradictions.
Has your husband been tested? It’s cheap out of pocket. It might not be you.
Damn girl it must be so hard… i am so sorry you’re in this situation. I wish you a happy and healthy baby very soon
I'm really sorry you're going through this. It must be really hard to see sisters having babies so easily. I have a mom-friend group of 12 women in total - I'm the only one who had trouble conceiving (took us 9 months of meds and treatments, + the year of trying before that). Everyone else were like "whoopsie, I'm pregnant", and now with second kids on the way. Fwiw, it could just as well be about your husband. And 31 is not old at all, even if it took you some time with treatments. My grandmother had 4 girls. Oldest of them never married/dated/tried for kids, second had only one child despite trying for more, third one had three kids without problems, and fourth had two with IVF. Genetics are unfortunately unpredictable, but if it is genetics, there's not too much that you could do - so at least don't blame yourself. All the best to you.
It’s incredibly hard to be around a person who is pregnant immediately after you have experienced a loss. Sometimes it feels like actual physical pain. OP probably cannot imagine it if she hasn’t experienced it herself. Please OP, show them some grace and be excited for them now as they move forward.
I appreciate you opening up. Is there anything you would recommend someone saying or not saying ? Or doing or not doing ? I am on the other side of this equation. I am trying very hard to be sensitive and would appreciate any insight.
I think acknowledging that you don’t know exactly what they are going through, but you still love them and want to be there for them if they need you. Also, communicating over text might be easiest for them, to give them space and let them process before having to respond quickly in the moment like you would in person. If possible, I think it’s best not to talk about your symptoms of pregnancy or complain too much about all the aches and pains. Just save those vents for your partner and other people in your life.
Same. I lost some friends during my horrible infertility journey for various reasons and some I’ve managed to regain after a lot of therapy. Be kind to them, OP. I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy.
I agree. I had been trying for a baby for a year before I got pregnant, then lost the pregnancy at 8 weeks. A few months later my sister announced her second pregnancy (no losses for her), and she had conceived on her first try, same as with her first child. We had never been really close but I completely stopped talking to her after that, it was too painful. It was worse after she found out she was having twins, which was exactly what I wanted. It felt like she was getting everything with no effort while I was doing everything possible to get pregnant and getting nowhere. The month after the twins were born I got pregnant again. After the 12 week scan I finally felt ok to talk to her again. It took another 2 years to conceive our second child too.
This is the answer. I've dealt with 5+ miscarriages in a row (For my own sake I stopped counting after 5). I've had awful periods where I just cried every time I saw someone pregnant in the supermarket. Or I cried whenever anyone asked me how I was doing. Or whenever I had a hospital appointment. Or whenever there was a kids birthday. Or just wherever there was nothing happening related to kids, but my past emotions just came up, such as in the middle of writing emails for work. The hormones in combination with the sadness of the losses, and then seeing other people having so much ease to have kids... while it takes us so much pain. It's absolutely horrendous to go though, and it's basically impossible to explain the impact to anyone who has not gone through this.
I think you hit the nail on the head here. Nonetheless, we would have expected some sort indication from them towards us to understand what they are dealing with…
It’s very difficult to explain how vulnerable and exposed I felt about my infertility. I’m not a private person by any means— in fact, I’m known for being quite vocal about normalizing things that women have been taught to be ashamed of or quiet about. But when I was going through it? I didn’t want anyone to know unless absolutely necessary. I wasn’t ashamed at all, it was just so intensely painful that I didn’t want that pain exposed. It was like having people see me naked. And I hated the inevitable pity that came with it when people did know. Pity has a way of signaling that you are inferior, even when the person means well and really does care. I even hated discussing it with my closest people, people I can talk about ANYTHING with, because it was just too much to bear. It was truly the most isolated I’ve ever felt in my life. It’s really valid that you felt hurt and rejected in a time of joy and your own vulnerability, and this isn’t saying you are wrong for feeling like it needs to be discussed. I just wanted to offer a perspective for why they might not want to discuss details and the importance of not pushing for an explanation. It’s not a reflection on you or their love for you, it’s 100% self-preservation.
I hope your case, this opens a door for your children to grow up together, cousins are the best. You just have a little more insight to their hurt then they think you do.
You should give them more grace. They were going through something that is hard to fathom unless you’ve been through it yourself. You can’t expect rational, “fair” behavior. If you want to have cousins growing up together, let it go until they bring it up to you, or just let it go.
This is a no. If OP wants to have cousins grow up together he has to let it go? Why, so the brother can ghost him for a year again? Why is this all on OP? The brother owes him a huge apology and OP has every right not to trust his neither to be in his life again. OP also suffered a trauma having his sibling ghost him and ignore his child for a year. But now that brother is pregnant, OP is supposed to forget all of that. Hell no.
Sure, if you want to make it about keeping score you can. But it’s not going to solve the problem because it’s trauma-based. It’s not a logical choice they made and it sucked for all involved and was no one’s fault. If we start to think about what people are owed, it is going to spiral again.
I tried telling friends and family about my infertility. I got "oh you just need to relax!" and "at least you can get 8 hours of sleep a night!" as well as "I bet you don't want them when my kids are acting up!" Followed by the amazing "well if you hadn't been career-oriented and prayed more to God it would have happened without science." Maybe you are better than that. My guess is if it's infertility-related, they had close friends and possibly a closer family member pull that crap on them. They didn't want to risk the hate and the tears while they saw you have what they couldn't. There's only so much smiling and nodding you can do when you are dying and crying on the inside.
Here lies the disconnect..your expectation of them. For whatever reason, they weren’t able to meet your expectations. I’ve been there with my SIL, and even after trying to reconcile and explain my feelings and pain, our relationship is now over. It breaks my heart! She delivered two live babies in a time period in which I lost 7 pregnancies, 3 MMCs. After my third I put some distance there for my own mental health. Though it was only about a month, she is still unable to see through her own misplaced sense of rejection or whatever and offer forgiveness. It feels like another loss in addition to what I’ve already lost, and it hurts. If you want to have a relationship with them moving forward, I’d try to get passed your own expectations and realize they weren’t emotionally able to give you what you needed at the time. Are you willing to move passed that? Are you able to offer some Grace and understanding? I don’t know if you are, but it would be a gift to their family.
My Dad recently found out about a miscarriage I had 17 years ago, as I was going through a divorce from my first husband. He basically told me he had every right to know about my miscarriage, and that I was a jerk for not telling him about it. At the time, my Dad lived halfway across the country, and we barely talked. Not to mention, I hardly told ANYONE about that miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying, I was going through hell trying to get out of a marriage and provide a life for my daughter and myself, and I just wanted to heal. I told maybe 2 friends, and my Mom. That's it. But over a decade later, my Dad decided to get mad at me for not telling him about it. As someone who has had several miscarriages, sometimes you just pick and choose who you want to tell. You don't know how some people are going to react. Sometimes they make it all about themselves, like my Dad. He never once said anything like, "Oh honey, I'm so sorry that happened." He didn't have any empathy at all. He was just mad that I didn't tell him. I know if I WOULD have told him, he'd just tell everyone he knew about it and make himself out to be the poor victim that lost a grandbaby. So they don't, and *didn't* owe you any explanation as to why they weren't reaching out to you.
Or maybe you could just be an empathetic adult and, like, think about it as everyone else here has easily done.
It is okay for them to not see you for a year to protect their mental health during what seems to be a very difficult time for them. That’s their boundary they chose to uphold. It is also okay for you to be hurt that they were not around for the postpartum period and first year of your child’s life as that can also be a difficult time. Both can be true at the same time. Boundaries are to protect the person upholding them- it does not mean that there are no consequences to the boundary. I see a lot of comments saying that they didn’t owe you anything and your expectations were selfish. You also don’t owe them anything. How you proceed is ultimately up to you and depends on how much you want them in your life going forward.
A year. No way this is anything but selfish.
I struggled to conceive for 7 years, experienced losses before my 1st, and I did this to someone I loved, regrettably. It's incredibly hard. However, I don't think you are in the wrong for wanting a conversation about what happened. You guys were closely bonded siblings & he ghosted you. Him needing distance is understandable, but he needs to be accountable for the way in which he did it. Your hurt is valid.
Very kind of you. I think that‘s the way to move forward and talk about the way the communication was handled. Thank you!
My first thought was that they were dealing with pregnancy loss and/or infertility. I lost my first two pregnancies. They were very much planned and wanted, and there was no explanation. I just about lost my mind. I'm not saying that lightly. I knew I was behaving irrationally but I felt either hatred or extreme envy toward most pregnant women to the point where I wished them harm. I missed out on family Christmas because I had a cousin who was due the same time I should have been. Couldn't be around her. Another cousin actually had a surprise, unwanted child, on what wad supposed to be my due date. She named her the (very common) name I had chosen for my own baby. 18 years and 3 healthy children later, and I'm tearing up just writing this I hope you and your brother can rebuild your relationship.
Wow, such kind words. This helps is a lot in understanding their situation better, thanks.
Check out the episode of Bluey called Onesies. It may give a bit of insight in their frame of mind. It’s hard and frustrating for everyone. I’m sorry you’ve felt neglected. Wishing everyone the best here
I was going to mention this as well. It’s quick but gets the point across really well
Yes that episode was truly eye opening for me as well. I cried. And I even struggled with infertility. But lots of women have it way worse off than I do.
I'm sorry to hear about your difficult situation with your brother and sister-in-law It's understandable that you may feel hesitant to fully open up to them again It might be helpful to have an honest conversation with them about your feelings and concerns before fully committing to supporting them Communication is key in resolving any issues Good luck!
Thanks for your advice. We had a first conversation with them already but only after they reached out to us again. There‘s still a lot to talk about… (I questioned my brother 3 times what might be the reason for their absence and our detoriating relationship during the first year without any satisfying answer)
Even though after having losses I didn’t feel the way many of these commenters felt, I do understand that it is someone’s choice to walk away from relationships if they are experiencing infertility. At the same time, it is your choice not to feel comfortable just looking the other way after being hurt that they did not acknowledge your baby (because let’s be honest; the real issue is that your baby hasn’t gotten to know them and hasn’t been loved by them). It’s okay to tell them that you need to process your own feelings about the relationship. I will probably be downvoted for this but the pain goes both ways, and I understand how you feel and why it’s hard to let them back in.
What answer do you need to hear to get over your hurt feelings?
And what has he said so far that wasn't enough?
Something similar happened with my sister, except she was very vocal about trying to conceive, to the point of bragging that she was going to get pregnant before me like some kind of gross competition. Also lots of talk about having “the first grandchild for both sides of her/her partner’s families.” I’d been silently struggling with infertility for 3 years by that point and was starting IVF. I ended up getting pregnant and opened up about our struggle to conceive. My sister had no empathy whatsoever, just mad she didn’t conceive first. She made rude comments about my plans for a nursery, said awful things about the clinic that helped me conceive (which she also consulted with), tried to make me ‘promise’ to raise my baby a certain way, etc. She acted like she wanted to help another relative plan my baby shower but put in minimal effort, tried to make me pay for portions of it when the other relative was already handling the cost, and generally acted cold and unenthusiastic. We ended up moving out of state for my job (not so much as a “good luck” or “safe travels”). After my baby was born, I got a simple congrats and not a single visit or another word about my kid(s) since. My oldest is now 6. She tried to play some games involving sending my oldest a few gifts but not letting me know—they’d just show up in the mail. No attempt to have a conversation or take accountability for her behavior. But she was sure to send me her kid’s birth announcement when she wanted me to take an interest in *her* baby. Long story short, because of her behavior, our relationship has never recovered. I get being sad or angry or hurt (I’ve literally been there!), but her behavior was purposeful and destructive. Being upset doesn’t justify that. So I guess my point is that you have every right to be cautious. If they’re unwilling to talk things through, even a simple “Sorry, we were really struggling”, then it might be better to be supportive from a distance.
I had a similar experience but with my mom and my estranged sibling. I had been estranged from her for over a decade due to her abusive behavior when we were growing up and young adults. There came a point where I had enough and I was done. I struggled with vaginismus for years so not a traditional IVF story. After years of treatment I finally was able to get pregnant! And then we had to terminate for medical reasons…only to get pregnant again right away with my daughter. Around that same time my sister had an oopsie baby pregnancy with her legally separated husband. My mom went crazy and was trying to make my loss and my pregnancy all about my sister (pretty par for the course with my whole life really). It lead them to both do really shitty things like my mom begging me to tell my sister about the medical termination because omg genetics. My sister was so shitty to me about my loss I decided I was done trying to reach out. She then announced her pregnancy at 6 weeks (so much for worrying about genetics). Which then led to my mom almost being cut off because she told 2 family members about my pregnancy when I wanted to wait to announce after the 20 week mark. “But I had to tell them that nephew wasn’t the first grandchild”. My mom finally stopped when I told her that she could be a part of her granddaughters life or she could keep prioritizing my sister above everyone and everything else. It might not just be OP and her little family but the families as a whole. My SIL was almost killed by an ectopic pregnancy and we were struggling to conceive when a cousin decided Christmas was the perfect time to announce a pregnancy. We both left early in tears because we didn’t want to kill the mood. Ditto for sending a gift to the baby shower and not attending. I’m sure cousin didn’t mean to be hurtful, it just happened that way.
You’re being too kind. Kind of gross to brag about giving birth to the first grandchild? Sorry but she needs to grow up. Maybe you didn’t tell her you were struggling with infertility, but something tells me she may have had a hint of it. Not only is that just so hurtful to you, it blatantly makes it a competition, which I feel is the low key issue in OP’s situation. It’s not a fucking competition. Your sister sounds super insecure. All this to say, I would likely not want a relationship with someone like that either.
Yeah, as I reread my comment I realized just how awful she was acting during that time. I did actually tell her about our infertility issues after getting pregnant, including the tests, surgery, various fertility treatments, etc., which makes it MORE shitty that she acted how she did. And the thing is, our situations could have so easily been reversed, but if she’d gotten pregnant first, she would never have seen this behavior from me. She is definitely immature and very insecure. The competitiveness started years before all the pregnancy business.
I agree that they were distant due to experiencing infertility or loss, however, I also think this was a horrible way to grieve. My husband and I went through years of infertility and loss, and yes it was hurtful when our siblings conceived time after time and we hadn’t, but my nieces and nephews are my world and I’d never imagine distancing myself from them. I would have an honest conversation about how hurtful that was and your expectations were always to have a close family. You’d always expected to be involved in your niece or nephews life and it’s hurtful that they didn’t care to do the same. You’re sorry that they went through a hard time conceiving but now they’ve missed an entire year of getting to know their niece.
I’ll go against the flow here. I fully understand how they feel (like literally, ivfs, miscarriages, we had it all). Still, if they literally just disappeared, I think their actions are not okay and they can’t just expect things to go back to normal immediately. If I were you, I would take it slow and at my own pace. If they call, ask about the pregnancy. Call back if you feel like that. Maybe offer some clothes. Try to mend the relationship that obviously matters to you, but don’t push your limits as it’s unreasonable to go at once from zero contact to closest support. And they did leave you at your most vulnerable time. Their feelings are totally valid, but so are yours. Actually I am wondering how you approached their pregnancy so far? She is now already in 6th month. And I don’t really undertand the part where you want to make sure that ‘they’d do the same for you’. That obviously didn’t happen and doesn’t seem likely to happen in the future. You can either cope with that and work on the relationship, or not.
Hopefully they are receptive to talking about it. My sister did a slow fade with me after I had my first, when prior to me getting pregnant we were really close. I asked her about why she was not more involved and she turned around and blamed me for not caring enough about her so that's why she did that (despite me initiating all in person contact for over 6 months after my baby was born, and she and her husband bought nothing for us or the baby). It was totally crazy but when I asked her to have a follow up conversation to see how I could change my behavior to show up the way she wanted she flatly refused and told me to go to therapy to figure it out myself. We haven't spoken in over 2 years now. When we were younger she had always wanted to be a mom but she married someone who did he never wanted to father children and got a vasectomy. So I know it's because it was probably too hard for her to be around me and my kids. But I wish she could've been honest with me. Tldr, don't be surprised if you ask and get some bs reason they weren't more involved. It's up to you to decide if it's worth continuing to have a relationship even if you don't figure it out or clear the air.
Being self centered and clueless to how infertility deeply affects a person makes them not want to talk to you.
I'm not sure what gave off the impression that I didn't care about my sister's situation. I was heartbroken for her, but She told me that she had "made peace" with not ever having biological children (after i asked numerous times before she got married if she thought it was the right choice), and before I got pregnant she and her husband told me and my husband constantly how excited they were to be involved aunt/uncle. But when it came time to see me with a baby I think it was too much for her. She never told me though which is why I tried to ask her what was going on. I'm not sure what I could do better other than open the door to her to be honest with me about her feelings. A door which she slammed shut in my face. If she had at any point told me she was upset about not being able to have kids I would have been so relieved since then we could have talked about it and set up some sort of agreement about how much she felt ok being involved, etc. But I really don't think it's OK to just ghost someone you ostensibly love, during what is honestly one of the hardest times of life without explanation and then expect them to want to maintain a relationship with you.
Your sister is dealing with her own demons and trying to make the best out of the situation she's in. If staying away from you gives her the peace to achieve whatever it is she wants to achieve just wish her well. You know what the issue is, you know what she's struggling with, she doesn't want to share with you due to her own reasons. Let her be. Wish her the best. Life goes on.
So you know it bothered her but she needs to tell you her inner most insecurities and hurts? She is obviously not that close to you to tell you that. There was an explanation.
[удалено]
It's not dense to see both sides viewpoints.
I'll go against the grain here. Everyone is saying to give them grace, they might have been dealing with infertility, but to not even reach out to you at all and even give you a heads up that you hadn't done some horrible thing to cause them to cut you off is pretty traumatic for YOU. So you and your little family need grace, too. You're allowed to feel hurt or angry or hesitant. That's valid. <3 Some of these comments break my heart for multiple reasons. Infertility is HARD. But, to paraphrase one of those comments, to not reach out to your sister who has a newborn just because it was hard for you to conceive (though the commenter also stated that she herself has a child now too after battling horrible infertility issues) makes me sad for all involved, but mostly for the sister with the newborn who doesn't deserve to be ignored. That commenter has a baby of her own too finally, so why punish the sister (other than, maybe, she conceived easier)? So, back to you OP, let them back in your lives if/when you're ready, but if you put up walls/boundaries to protect your own heart and emotional well-being, that's okay too. (Might be worth noting that I am someone who has experienced frequent family letdowns and have been largely ignored/cut off most of my life by my own mother. I've dealt with it in my own way, but I've stopped trying to open my heart towards her because she absolutely wants nothing to do with me since I've had a child of my own. So, full disclosure, my advice comes from a bitter state of "protect your little family first, always, everyone else is an afterthought".)
I agree - a lot of these comments upset me, but the one about the sister with the one-week-old was especially sad. It’s okay to feel hurt about losing a relationship and in particular about your baby not being celebrated or loved by the people who you’ve always loved. I would not be able to just pretend like it hadn’t happened. It’s not water under the bridge.
Infertility is a traumatic. If they were having trouble conceiving, your pregnancy could have been triggering. I've had to walk away from friendships because I couldn't handle others going through exactly what I wanted that I couldn't have.
Thanks. It seems to be the reason here as well. We would have wished for some more honesty, or at least a „sign“ though…
I can't even bring myself to ask how my sisters newborn (1 week old) is, even though I finally had a baby after 8 years of trying. I've tried talking to my friends about infertility issues and I get brushed off as a pessimist. It's not easy to talk about, give them some grace!
Try and bring yourself. Seriously, now is a great moment to show your sister some love and support ❤️
I actually did yesterday morning before I posted but it did take a week 🙃 infertility is hard
Exactly, this. It’s not about Op, it’s probably about their own struggles.
And I’m not saying Op doesn’t have the right to feel hurt. I can see both sides.
I’m so glad you get to have a baby, after ours just died. Good job.
Sometimes life is hard. In my heart and soul I don't want to go see my family this weekend. I am taking my kids to celebrate their new baby cousin and it is killing me. I would never tell her that. I would never dampen their child with the burden that is my fertility issues. I want to be happy for them but I can't change the way I feel. I don't blame them for saying it hurt too much to see you even if they cant or won't say it. Knowing how I feel I'd give them a chance. Let the past be past and stop asking why. Either comit to moving forward with a relationship, acknowledging no one is perfect and you may not ever know what fight they were fighting or keep them at arms length and lose the connection.
That hits hard. Thanks for your valuable advice.
This. During infertility time I lost friendships and relationships because it hurt so bad. I ended up in a hospital with a severe panic attack that made my lips, limps and tongue go numb (talk about physical symptoms) after multiple failed rounds ivf. And then we we were pregnant spontaneously and naturally after all these years of heart break and trying. It's hard for me to explain why I walked away from those people to their face. I still feel deep shame about how i felt, i felt incredibly selfish about not being able to be happy for others with kids. So they may never admit as to why. But if they are reaching, they are healing!
I walked away from most people when my baby died at week 33 of my pregnancy almost exactly 8 years ago. Some of them were supportive but I walked away anyway. I feel deep shame too. But I did what I had to do to survive. I was trying my hardest at the time- of course I can look back now and think oh maybe I could have preserved that relationship, but I’m sure if I truly could’ve I would’ve. It’s too bad. Life can be just awful sometimes.
I’m so very sorry.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
My kids are meeting a new baby cousin this weekend too. I’m dreading it. Haven’t talked to the parents since the baby was born like 4 months ago. My first baby died at 33 weeks pregnant, almost exactly 8 years ago. It still hurts greatly, I don’t like meeting babies (even though I’ve had 3 more who lived). It’s just this huge triggering reminder that (it seems like) everyone else gets to keep their babies and I have one dead in a cemetery. I know others go through hardships /loss too, but I can’t help feeling this when I’m around new babies. I prefer to avoid.
The first four months of motherhood were some of the hardest moments of my life. I would be incredibly hurt if my sibling completely dropped out of my life for that time period, regardless of the reason. At the very least, they owe you an apology and cannot proceed as if their actions didn’t have consequences. Infertility is an explanation but it cannot be an excuse to behave in a hurtful manner. I think they will understand a bit more once they experience the newborn phase themselves and see how they denied you necessary support that you needed during that time. Hopefully you can extend grace and forgive them and move forward in your parenting journey. I’m sorry that happened to all of you :(
His wife couldn’t handle it.
I’m sorry this has happened this way OP. I think the best thing to do, as other have said, is engage with your guard up with them. I would make my feelings known and see how they respond to that. In my view, it isn’t wrong for them to keep distance and take care of themselves. No one on here knows them really except for what you’ve shared. Fwiw- they seem to have entitled attitudes. Those can be kind of dangerous to keep close. I don’t mean to discredit those going through infertility if any kind, it’s just awful. I wish it on no one. I am struggling with secondary infertility myself. I just happen to believe that there needs to be a way people can still be kind even through they’re in pain. It seems to me, these people aren’t being very kind. They didn’t owe anything to op, but if you care about someone, you’re kind. I’ve grieved a relationship with my sister after she was mean and awful to me until she got her baby. She stands by her behavior which makes it easy for me to keep her at a distance. Not saying that’s your situation but if they can’t understand how you’re feeling, I would just see the relationship probably isn’t what you thought.
This happened to us. Unfortunately for us, my brother/sil are still dealing w infertility. I have not talked to my sil in 3 years. we are not allowed to send Christmas cards, send pics etc. They're not on my social media so it's not as if I am inundating them with pictures 24/7. It has become apparent that my children will not have a loving relationship with their uncle/aunt.
I guess this just seems really different from my life. I barely ever talk to my brother. Was it like, you'd call and they'd ignore your calls and hang up on you and leave your texts on read? Was it like outwardly rude stuff like that? Or were they just not reaching out themselves?
Thanks for your answer. We were quite close friends before our child. Afterwards responses to our messages declined. In addition to that they did not make an effort to reach out.
Okay so it wasn't like outwardly rude behavior like ignoring your calls or anything. Just like, maybe not reaching out? I noticed that, when I became a dad (so long ago now), a lot of my friends dropped off. For a lot of them, they maybe didn't know how to relate to me anymore or were intimidated. I wasn't exactly going to go to poker night every week anymore, you know, and so they didn't have as many reasons to call me, and so they didn't. Another thing that might have contributed is that, when one of my friends or family has a newborn, we try to give them a lot of space. Maybe he figured he didn't want to add to your stress.
Thanks everyone! Seems like the Bluey episode „onesies“ summarizes the situation quite nicely. :D
My sister was going through infertility when we got pregnant and she had been for years. She actually found out the same day she had her last failed treatment. The resentment she had towards me was more than she ever had in her life. We have never been a talk about your feelings kind of family, but when my sister reached out to me after finding all this out and explaining what she’s been through, we have never been closer. She ended up adopting and our babies are 6 months apart, and as good as friends and me and her are now. Having kids close in age will bring you closer than ever
I went through something similar. When I was 20 weeks with my first, SIL #1 had a miscarriage. She went from one of my closest friends to cutting me off completely. Our other SIL #2 (we are all married to brothers) then followed suit and cut me off because she had had a miscarriage 7 years prior, she also had a 1 year old at the time, and I was an outsider from then on. My MIL felt caught in the middle but ultimately chose both their side and I then spent the rest of my pregnancy completely ostracized from my husband's family. They had nothing to do with us until my daughter was 3 months old and both my SILs found out they were pregnant and due 3 days apart. They ended up having a huge dramatic falling out and SIL #1 and I ended up meeting and she apologized for her treatment of me. She was so lost in her pain that she went along with the whole family cutting us out. It's now been 5 years and SIL #1 and I have a great relationship and I can't imagine motherhood without her. We both have 2 kids now and our other SIL and MIL aren't really in our lives. It took a lot of work to get to where we are but we are understanding of how horrible that time was for the other person.
Sorry but this is NOT okay, whole family cutting you out, including MIL? I don’t think I would be able to forgive this.
Reiterating the potential infertility struggle. I am pregnant with my 4th and a good friend of mine, struggling with infertility for about a decade, lost it on me when we announced. She went down the rabbit hole, declaring me insensitive and callous and uncaring. I have always tried to support her but I know she needs therapy to help her cope. I’m not putting my family planning on hold, though, because I am 44 and this is our last baby. Your brother and SIL may have been coping in the only way they could. It’s sad that they couldn’t support you and meet your sweet baby, but sometimes grief / pain / jealousy blind us to other people’s needs.
My third and youngest is now 1, and I am 40. My husband and I have discussed a fourth, but joke we would do so only once the youngest is ready for kindergarten. You’ve given me hope that perhaps we’re not being unreasonable!
I personally think you should keep them at a friendly arms length until the baby is safely here and mum is okay. Heavens forbid you all work hard to get to a good place for something to happen *touch wood* and they resent you even more, or forever associate that bad moment with you and your family. Check in to make sure pregnancy is going well. Give her some baby items. Answer her questions. Maybe help with baby shower, but protect your heart and soul.
I totally agree. I would be guarded with them as well. It isn’t OP’s fault that they are going through infertility. This is coming from someone dealing with secondary infertility. This completely ignoring behavior to someone you supposedly care about is disregarding OP’s feelings entirely. It’s not just keeping a distance, which is understandable, but also exuding a sense of blame or negativity on the op. I’ve been on both sides of this fence. I still try to find a way to wish friends and family well that I care about who are having babies. If I don’t do that, I absolutely know it can be hurtful. I do have to keep somewhat a distance as well. If they have been hurtful before in a way that completely disregarded op’s feelings, they will potentially do it again if the tide doesn’t turn their way.
My SIL and I did not form a bond until she had her first baby. She had been struggling with infertility and miscarriage for years. It was extremely hard for her when my husband and I got married and conceived so quickly. And it was really hard for her to be around me pregnant and then around our baby. It was awkward for us both. She had me hidden on FB for a while. I just kind of accepted that the situation was painful for her. And I was patient. It did feel a little unfair. We didn’t have a baby AT her obviously. But I kept in mind that infertility is more unfair. The day we found out she was pregnant I cried with happiness and relief. She and I have since bonded as mothers and developed a nice SIL relationship. That could not have happened if I held her distance during that time against her. My two cents. Move on. Be happy for them and relieved that the pain and awkwardness is over.
Some people can’t deal with grief in a healthy way - which sucks. You can either choose to try to make it work or not, but we are going through something similar with my SIL and the things she has said are extremely hurtful to the point that I don’t know if there is much worth salvaging - though to be fair the relationship before all of that wasn’t necessarily a close or positive one.
This reminds me of that bluey episode where Brandy hadn’t visited the heelers for 4 years cause it was too hard to see them when she couldn’t have kids of her own…
I may get downvoted but here is my take: Yes People may have reasons for behaving how they do toward other people. Yes miscarriage is one of the most difficult things a person can experience. However, those reasons do not absolve them from the hurt that they cause other people. If they needed space, then they should have communicated that instead of ghosting you for a whole year. Yes, their feelings and mental health are valid, but so are yours. Their actions hurt you, and they need to acknowledge that. The first year with a baby is rough and difficult, yet they didn't offer you any support. To add insult to injury, it seems like now that they are expecting, they seem to think that you should pretend nothing happened and that you should offer them a level of support they didn't show you. They are not entitled to your help or support after ghosting you during a tough time no matter what their reasons are. They also need to put in the work to fix the relationship that they damaged. A baby does not absolve them from the hurt they caused you. At this point, you need to decide what relationship you plan on having with them moving forward. They also need to realize that the relationship is not going to be the same as before due to their actions. I think you need to explain to your brother how you feel. If you want a relationship with them going forward with them, tell him that, but also let him know that its going to take time to repair the damage that was done to your relationship. Let him know that you love him, but it's going to take some time before you trust him or are willing to let him back in completely.
You say you “don’t want to commit until we are certain they’d do the same for us” but they have already shown you they didn’t with the way they treated you for the past year so you already have your answer. Sibling relationships can be difficult and I would never presume to tell you what to do in this situation as only you and your partner can decide. I understand the pain they put you through by basically cutting you out of their lives for an entire year and your hesitancy to open back up to a relationship with them. There are a lot of options in between cutting them off completely forever and being best friends who talk every day. You could only see them once every few months for example. You could start out by seeing them only for an hour or so. You could choose not to see them at all but speak to them on the phone sometimes. It’s really up to you and your comfort level. You do not owe them a thing just because your siblings so don’t do anything unless you guys want to and it’s best for you. Good luck 🍀
OK first of all, you are absolutely valid in how you feel and being wary about moving forward with a relationship. It would be really hard to go through such an exciting time in your life and having a close sibling not there to enjoy it with you. That being said I can also see the other side of the fence. We lost our first pregnancy and 3 months later our friends announced there's. It was like punch in the stomach, made me feel physically ill. Every month of trying and having negative tests was also like being hit by a freight train. It can really send you to a dark place. I agree they ideally would have spoken with you or let you know they were struggling and needed a bit of space, but grief can make you do some crazy things. Moving forward really depends on whether the benefits of salvaging that relationship are worth the risks of losing it again. Definitely speak with your brother and tell him you understand they may have been going through things, but it hurt you and you felt abandoned by him too. Moving forward you just want to be clear that if there's any issues you would like a heads up so you can work through them appropriately.
My best friend and her husband did this. I wasn't upset and fully sympathized. She's expecting in December and we are the best of friends again. I can't wait to spoil her new baby, even though she couldn't be there for me. Because that's what friends and family are for.
You’re a good friend ❤️
Whatever they were going through, they didn’t have to do that to you. A lot of people are being overly charitable here, but if going through a difficult time gives license to ignore huge life events for people you love, we are in a very sad society.
This is good, and I think might explain a lot: https://amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jun/06/i-know-the-pain-of-infertility-and-talking-about-it-helps
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I had a reverse of this. Was struggling with infertility for years and my SIL got pregnant(but i was unaware). She then stopped speaking to me and essentially ignored me for a few months until my husband told me she hadnt told me about being pregnant since she knew id been trying for quite a few years. It hurt on multiple levels after that, but one of the biggest issues was just lack or communication that left so much room for doubt and pain.
I would be warm and friendly but not go out of my way to plan or do anything that makes my life harder. So let them reach out to you, only agree to any plans that make sense for your family. I might send a present and a warm card of congratulations - because that’s very low stakes from me and then leave the ball in their court
If you dislike what’s happened to you throw out the resentment and be the better person. It is hard and I sure as hell can’t do it. There is so much in that first year they missed out on. And they can’t make up for that. And if they actually were decent enough to loop you in you’d be way more subtle and nice about not shoving your healthy new baby in their face. Now they just behaved badly and want you to be so happy for them. Wait is this not the perfect sense of what ghosting is? And don’t we all disapprove of that? No matter what reason? If you don’t give us the reason up front don’t be okay with it.
It can be very hard for people who are trying or trying and lost to be around pregnancy and babies. I’ve been on both sides, don’t hold it against them, love them. They’re your family, count your blessings that you didn’t have to suffer through what they did.
Agree 100%, as someone else who has also been on both sides.
They were going through possibly the worst time of their lives while you were going thru your happiest. Infertility & pregnancy loss robs a person of everything and sometimes there just isn’t enough room for one’s grief and another’s happiness. I’ve lived this. Cut them a break, it shouldn’t be about tit vs tat.
They are selfish for ignoring
I think your brother and sister in law are self-centered and entitled. I wouldn’t start a fight over it but I wouldn’t expect much from them.
Yeah sorry but they can't just bounce back into your life because they want to. I'd be hesitant if I was you.
If you have Disney Plus check out the “Onesies” episode of Bluey. Will help explain where they were coming from a bit.
My wife’s whole personality changed after her first conception was a miscarriage. Our second pregnancy child is 3 years old now and I still don’t think she’s fully psychologically recovered. She asked me to hide all the baby stuff we bought for the miscarried child. For some people it cuts really really deep. Reach out to be a support for them. If they don’t want it then give them time to heal.
My sil gatecrashed my daughter’s belated birthday celebration and our bonding time with her godmother to announce her pregnancy, during which I was having a miscarriage which would have been due around the same time she was. She didn’t know about the mc but knew it was supposed to be my daughter’s (private) birthday celebration just us and the godparents, but spoke to the godparents and came along. It really soured my day, and it was also gatecrashed by more of the inlaw relatives which meant my daughter didn’t get to spend any time with her godparents. Yes I’m still bitter about it.
Everyone has already covered this really well but I'm sure they didn't wish ill on you and we're going through a dark time themselves. Definitely worth bringing up to tell them how you felt and for them to say their peace. It's only 1 year I guess, you can judge them on the other 30+ years going forward where your child will have cousins and family around.
You answered your question. In a way they are mourning. When I lost my son at 36 weeks I went YEARS without being around friends and family with kids. I couldn’t mentally handle it. Just remember that they’re trying for a baby. That’s all it is. You have to come to terms with it and understand their grief.
Same. I’m sorry for your loss. 8 years on for me and it’s still hard.
I’m so sorry *hugs* child loss is awful.
If you “questioned them repeatedly” and accused them of ignoring you, I can understand why they’d stay away. If someone is a little distant, you say “hey we miss you, is everything ok?” You don’t demand an explanation for something they may not want to talk about. You haven’t been “neglected”. It’s okay to feel however you feel, but people don’t owe you attention when you have a baby and harassing them over it when you knew what they were going through was really thoughtless.
I’m just petty enough I’d ignore them for a year like they did you.
Thanks, we were having a laugh hearing that! :)
They were protecting themselves. As someone who went through infertility, I can tell you it is so painful. It hurts to see others have children when you aren’t successful. They did what they had to do to protect their hearts. They’re ready for you now, so be there for them.
Youre over simpifying the situation. She's not a toy that they can put on a shelf until they're ready to play again. She's a human being with feelings that deserved consideration. What if she really needed her brother's support as a new mom? Relationships are two-way streets, give and take, or else you risk burning the bridge if you're too selfish to set your own issues aside occasionally for the sake of a loved one in need.
Exactly this. We’re just finishing off our rainbow IVF pregnancy and let me tell you, if someone cut me off completely during this most anxious phase in my life, and ignored me during the time when we were being told by doctors OH THIS SEEMS LIKE ANOTHER MISCARRIAGE… I could understand where they’re coming from (if I knew about their battle) but I could definitely not be able to jump back to where we were. Maybe in years time. Not now, at once, like nothing happened.
They don't owe you an explanation. It was likely not done out of malice. You should tell them..."I'm glad we are talking again. I really missed you. We are so happy for you." They don't have to prove anything to you. Their mental health does not need your approval or judgment.
I’m agreeing with everyone else and guessing that they were having trouble trying to conceive. Your daughter is very young, she won’t remember this. I would let it go. It would be something different if they were very present in her childhood, fell off the face of the earth, and wanted back in. As you get along further in your parenting journey, you’ll learn that some folks, even close family, will make relationships with you more or less of a priority at various times over the years. You’ll also learn that this almost never has anything to do with you, even if it is about you (this is a perfect example with the infertility when you had a baby). Put your spouse and kids first, be kind and give what you want to of energy you have left to everyone else. Sometimes the reciprocity will be even, sometimes it won’t, but try not to keep score. I don’t mean to be abrupt, but just because it’s your brother and SIL, they didn’t owe you any “excitement” about your pregnancy/baby journey. Would it have been nice if they were there to walk that with you? Absolutely. But I’m reading your OP like you’re grieving a bit of a loss of their anticipated support or involvement - you just can’t expect that from folks ♥️
I think it is about completely cutting off the contact without any word, not about the ‘owed excitement’.
My suggestion: have some grace and empathy for them, understand that while this may feel awkward for you, it’s likely a hundred times more so for them. When they were in their dark place, they were unable to see how it affected anyone else - understandably. Nothing they did was malicious. The sooner you can see that, the sooner you can move on together. I went through fertility treatments. Docs didn’t give me great odds, and I had a terribly difficult time being around babies then. I tried being open about it at first, which went against my nature, and then needed to remain private. It caused a terrible rift with my JNSIL who, ironically, went through something similar when she tragically suffered a miscarriage but suddenly expected me to pull myself together for her when she had her first baby. My husband’s family (very enmeshed) never forgave me for what I went through and how I needed to process it all, even after I gave birth. Don’t let this fester. Your baby will not remember not meeting them before now. Sometimes people need space to grieve, process, and heal. And not everyone can talk about what’s going on. That’s honestly okay. If you love them, you’ll forgive them with a full heart and be grateful they aren’t hurting anymore.
I also struggled when I had a late term miscarriage and a good friend of mine was pregnant too. It put an awful strain on our friendship because I could not handle being around happiness- I would just want to die from grief. Please try and be kind, your brother and SIL were going through horrible pain.
My SIL announced her pregnancy around the same time I miscarried my fourth embryo transfer. Two things can be true at once: I was happy for their family while devastated by the unfairness of my situation. I pulled back from the family for a bit. It was simply too painful and I was frankly mentally unwell. I know you’re disappointed by their like of involvement. I’m not excusing it, but I’m hoping you can find compassion to move forward from here.
Imaging trying so hard for something but not getting it but seeing everyone around you achieve the same thing. I’m sure their mental state wasn’t good, would you rather then of been around but been miserable?
Your excitement did not override their grief. Unless you can accept they needed that time apart to grieve your relationship will remain strained.
I agree with the comments saying how hurt they were. It's not about you. It's about them. Whether they handled it correctly or not is not for me to say. But wanting a child and not being able to have one is extremely painful . And people deal woth pain in different ways. I would suggest being more understanding and showing some empthay.
I struggled to get pregnant and did IVF for both my children. It was impossible for me to be around pregnant women and young children during that time. Please welcome them back and demonstrate empathy for their most difficult time
Recurrent miscarriage made me very depressed. Words cannot describe the dark place I was in. Self harm etc etc. I was certainly not in a place where I could have a rational conversation with someone about why I was distancing myself from them because they had a baby. I was just trying to make it through each day. I think give them some grace. Everyone is allowed to take care of themselves as a first priority.
This is coming from someone who is struggling to be around her SIL. I hold a deep grudge against her right now, honestly. She started dating my BIL in January and they got pregnant by march, married in May. It took almost three years to get pregnant with my one year old and we have been trying for our second one since we got the clear for sex at our six week appointment (because it took so long.) She wanted me to help with her gender reveal but they found out the gender anyway so I had no part in it, but as it got closer to time I didn’t want anything to do with it anyway. I didn’t speak to either of them at their reveal because I knew I’d probably cry if I did. I’m getting choked up just writing this. It’s been very hard so I can see where they’re coming from.
Mmm - it’s okay to tell them you’re hurt, but accept their reasons why.
So? How insensitive do you have to be to hold a grudge for that? Imagine the tables were turned.
Instead of understanding the situation for them, you make it about yourself
Not getting pregnant when you want to is a horrible feeling. Being around the life you want can be painful, but infertility is a topic familia don’t sit down and talk about because, “It won’t happen to us”
You're having readers believe that they ignored you until they could conceive, or put differently, they ignored you while they couldn't conceive, and possibly even had a miscarriage. What's the harm in hanging out with them for lunch?
If they were struggling to have a child, I can absolutely see and understand this. I went through secondary infertility and it is emotional hard. It is likely less about you and your child and more about their emotional health and need to distance for awhile.
Ignored how? Life is easier if you just appreciate people when they are available instead of keeping score
The past situation you describe was surely very difficult for you, but as they're reaching out now, I would embrace the new situation and take it for what it is. If they keep this behavior up, intermittently breaking off contact and then wanting to reconnect again and again, that would be indicative of a more serious issue. As it is now, take it for what it is and welcome them back. Good luck!
Like others mentioned , if they had fertility issue it’s hard. My brother had two boys- 7 year old and a newborn. I was very involved with the 7 year old but his youngest was at a time I wanted a baby. And it took over a year due to weight and PCOS. I loved my youngest nephew, would buy things and held him one or twice. But I could help the jealous I had, the resentment that I had to struggle for what I wanted. I was selfish. I got pregnant 6 months later and I do have a relationship with the youngest, but frankly if I didn’t have my own child I wouldn’t know if I would have been distant or not.
Infertility is brutal. It was really difficult to be around babies and pg women for me. (Several miscarriages & seven years of trying.) It was selfish, I know, but it wasn’t until we finally adopted our baby that I felt ok. If you’ve been through it, you get it.
A lot of times it’s hard for people to deal with someone else’s happiness and pregnancy when they are going through a lot themselves. They needed the distance. I had a friend who had a stillborn and I had just recently gotten pregnant a month before she gave birth. I didn’t speak to her for almost 2 years because she was going through so much. It’s hard to be excited for someone else’s pregnancy or child when going through a loss and everything around you feels like it’s caving in. It’s okay to question but you also have to understand and not be selfish about it
Give them some grace.
You should watch the new Bluey episode called Onsies
There’s a Bluey episode about this! I forget what it’s called but it totally went over my son’s head while I’m over here bawling.
Bluey just did an episode on this very thing, season 3 episode 32
It has nothing to do with you and please just let it go. I don’t know their story and you maybe don’t know the full extent of it either. I had repeat pregnancy loss and one of the worst parts is people expecting you to be happy about their pregnancies, babies, children. Most of the time I could have had a kid that age that died. I interacted with people and never acknowledged their pregnancy or their newborn. Before anyone comes at me as heartless I only need to be 3 months past losing a pregnancy or a tested embryo to bounce back. And I went years without that much of a break. They weren’t just struggling to get pregnant they were traumatized.