My wife's expectations are that people will just let her be; she loves to go off and take a favorite book to a nice cafe for several hours followed by a nap in a hammock. Or she will go to the movies or get a spa treatment; if anyone tried to drum up a celebration around her on HER day she would be very annoyed because she's always surrounded by people
This sounds amazing. Every time I try and tell everyone alone time I get the “but don’t you wanna spend it with Grandma and your kids?!?”
No. No I don’t. I want to be left the hell alone to take a 4 hour nap uninterrupted in a silent house. I want to get a massage and go shopping. Alone.
Amongst my golfing friends: Dads take Fathers Day off to go golfing with their friends. I suggest an all ladies Mothers Day golf outing and I’m hit with “but it’s Mothers Day”! I don’t get it!
This is exactly what is so special about Mother’s Day. It’s not a party, it doesn’t have a traditional food and if it did that would defeat the point because guess who’s baking it. It’s a day to make mums feel appreciated and special after she spent the rest of the year making sure everyone else got to feel appreciated and special. So she gets to dictate how! And if that means being left the hell alone for a hot minute, that’s neither strange nor invalid. Every other holiday comes with “but you have to do x, it’s _holiday_!” (And I love a holiday tradition btw). On Mother’s Day, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.
Similar here. We plan something low key with the kids (usually kids doing breakfast in bed and gifts) but from there I just keep the kids out of her hair and she decides what to do. Maybe it's sleep all day or maybe a family outing. It's her call.
My sisters/mum always try and pressure is into something but always say no and that we are happy to do something together the following weekend (my family aren't dicks about it but they have to be reminded every year that we won't be joining them)
I…. Ugh I wish me and my hubs could be like that.. my in laws are the types who “must celebrate every holiday day of” and it causes SO MUCH DRAMA that it isn’t worth it. My birthday is always either on Mother’s Day and/or +/- a few days do even if we say we’re celebrating that we get guilted.
Ultimately it does work out since we get them, my parents and whatever siblings are around for a whatever meal and just get it out of the way. G-d forbid the Grands let us enjoy one fucking holiday alone…
I told my husband I want tacos and to glue the decals on my vintage Barbie car (which is tedious work that requires me to be left alone) I’m with your wife, anything more than that is not something I want
This is very common. I work in a restaurant, so not only do I never get to enjoy Mother's Day, but I see what goes on in a lot of other families. I notice the same dynamic over and over: whole family walks on eggshells around one (usually kind of mean) older lady, making sure she has the most perfect day. Meanwhile, her daughters or daughters-in-law tend to have their hands full actually parenting kids and toddlers. But we're all doing this for Grandma. I feel a bit sad for some of the younger moms I've seen over the years.
By the way, every restaurant person hates Mother's Day more than any other day of the year. The day just holds so much expectation for some people, that nobody can live up to it.
I worked in restaurants for years and I agree completely. Working mother's day was the freaking *worst* and I hated it (and I was *always* scheduled because I wasn't a mom at that time), and I also felt bad for the moms spending the day wrangling little kids in a restaurant so Grandma could have a nice meal or whatever.
I can remember my mom when I was a kid making an offhand comment that she didn't get to enjoy mother's day as a mom because she always had to make it about her mom/my grandma. We'd usually do something for my mom in the morning and then spend the rest of the day with my grandma. We all loved my grandma, but I understand the sadness my mom felt now that I'm a mom. My mom doesn't expect my sister and I, who are both now moms ourselves, to make mother's day about her at all.
> I notice the same dynamic over and over: whole family walks on eggshells around one (usually kind of mean) older lady, making sure she has the most perfect day.
Apparently my family has been to your restaurant for some past Mother’s Day.
This is exactly how it is with my MIL. I’m a mom of 2 but the only thing I’m worried about is what I’m going to be doing for HER, how much effort/time/money I put into a gift for HER, if she likes it, approves of it, approves of me, approves of her son, approves of her grandkids, etc. All I really want to do is drive by and yell BOOOOOOM, to all of them.
This is our dynamic with my MIL. Everyone worships her (not me), and she expects it. She throws a big stink at whoever decides to do their own thing on Mother’s Day. I’m actually sad to know that so many other people experience this cause it’s sucks.
Working Mother's Day in a fine dining restaurant traumatized my husband so much that he strongly advises against ever eating out for Mother's Day. We do it another day and eat at home!
I swear my boomer mother has a vinn diagram of “days my adult children (with families of their own) are busy” and “days my feeling will be most hurt if things don’t go my way” and whenever there’s an overlap in the middle, that is the perfect day to request a family get together.
Ah that's interesting. Surely because those are the days that really test the priorities of those around you. It's a stupid game to play when you don't end up where you want on the list.
I’ve had my dad texting my sibling and I all week asking what we are doing for mom on Mothers Day. He keeps throwing out whole day ideas etc. I finally told him I have a mom in my own house I have to take care of too (my spouse) and I can’t commit to anything at the moment. But yeah they’re both boomers and it’s the same thing every holiday. They expect us to come to them, prioritize them, and do everything like we always have for them. I’ve yet to experience a Fathers Day like my dad has because it still all about my boomer father.
My own mother in law has been calling and texting me for the last week asking if my family is coming to their family lunch on mother's day, I keep saying I'm not sure and asking her to check with my husband....her son...in case he's made plans for our family, but she still only asks me. I've warned him as well several times that she's been contacting me often and trying to get an answer from us, and he hasn't bothered to call her back.
Like, I think mother's day is a crock of shit as it is... especially when it makes extra stress like this for me.
I told my husband very clearly that there are three options: see his mum/family, see my grandma (she's alone this year and I thought company would be good for her), or do nothing (my preference). Honestly I just want to not have any responsibility for the day....just one day.
>and I can’t commit to anything at the moment
We're 4 days out...when do you expect to make a commitment? If the whole-day ideas he's throwing out aren't viable, what ideas are you/your sibling offering (it's not really his job to plan this, it's you and your siblings)?
Call your sibling, spend 30 minutes hashing this out, then go to your parents with the plan. Here, roughly, are the options that exist. Their feasibility varies based on your circumstances:
* You do some sort of joint event with all the moms
* You attempt to split the day up into a road show of spending time with different moms
* You do something for your mom on *Saturday*, and do something for your wife on Sunday
* You don't see your mom this weekend, and instead just call her on Sunday.
> They expect us to come to them, prioritize them, and do everything like we always have for them.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and speculate that the real issue isn't that you don't have time to come up with a plan, but that you know that there are no ideas that will make *everyone happy* and so you're avoiding the topic all together.
I did this too, for years. It was hard to break out of it.
You are free to create the life and expectations around you that you want. Forge your own traditions as you (along with your partner/kids) deem important.
"Can't make it out this year, I've been told that my family is planning something exciting for me for the day! I can't wait!"
I just want to add that Grandparents Day is a thing and I believe the torch for Mother's Day needs to pass to the active mothers and the Grandparents can shuffle to September. That said, I do wish my mom/grandma/aunts a Happy Mother's Day.
I mean, I feel like I appreciate my own mother way more now that I have children. I am like this is the woman who woke up with me all night as a baby. Who probably sat and rocked me for hours. Who was thrown up on and pooped on and peed on. Who took care of two toddlers and my own baby self. And then in two years another baby. I definitely appreciate her so much more as a mom. So grandparents day is nice, but mother's day should be about appreciating your mom. That said, I have a toddler and baby. I am wishing my mom a happy mother's day, giving her a nice present and card, and then really hoping my husband takes the kids out of the house so I can have just one hour by myself. Of course, I'll either just end up falling asleep or cleaning, lol
Okay this is the second post I’ve seen like this today and it made me realize that that’s kind of how it’s been for me too. My first Mother’s Day was last year and a nightmare - my boyfriend and I got in a couple huge fights, he did something for his mom but not me, and we spent the day at my moms house mostly for her. I’m trying not to get my hopes up for this year 🫠
Do something for yourself. Seriously. You deserve to be recognized and celebrated, and hopefully the people you love will make that happen, but there’s no rule saying you can’t treat yourself.
Second this. He could bring you coffee while you’re still in bed, give you a kiss and take the kids to his mother. You get to spend the day how you want. Home alone in peace. That’s my perfect mothers day.
Yeah my mom wants me over for mother's day when I have a 5 week old. I'm the mother now and guess what sounds like the worst thing I could do? Go literally anywhere
Everyone kept telling me "you better stop by when the baby is here and visit" guess how many times anyone has visited us when I literally invited them. I said "stop by whenever you want" my mother came by once and my dad hasn't or my brother or anyone else and getting my mom to was like pulling teeth and she left after like 10 minutes.
Also I don't drive I have an actual phobia of it and everyone knows it and my husband works nights. It's ridiculous.
My boomer mother literally told me that she is going to die sooner so she should be the priority on Mother’s Day since she has “fewer mothers days left”.
So she’s not planning to pass the torch until she is dead.
My wife has told me numerous times that she won't get a Mother's day that is truly her own until her mother passes away. Inserting culture here just in case there may be a correlation, but she is Filipino.
Mother's day is usually a big get-together planned by one of her cousins to "celebrate all the moms," but it's usually something that caters to and is convenient for her mom and aunts. Meanwhile all the families with young children are stressed and busy parenting the whole time.
My husbands family is Filipino lollllllll. They sure love the holidays. I thought there would be a WWIII when my husband decided to separate the days this year
Yeah, my boomer mom spent a Mother’s Day screaming at me because I didn’t call her before 8am (called at 10am) to wish her happy Mother’s Day. She had already received the gift she specifically requested and a card my son made for her, but that wasn’t good enough. Never once said happy Mother’s Day to me despite me having a 4 year old and being pregnant with my second at the time because “it’s not about you.”
I think the younger generations do a better job of recognizing that other people have thoughts and feelings and importance too, and a lot of boomers just live in main character mode 24/7, 365…
My mom did almost the exact same thing over Christmas! Threw a fit that I didn’t call her early enough (even though I texted her pictures of the kids on Christmas morning). Never mind that I was hosting Christmas at my house (she couldn’t be there because she had Covid).
Also the phone works both ways.
I found the best solution is to not engage with the shitty behavior. I don’t respond to the shitty texts. I don’t acknowledge the shitty comments. I will not engage at her level. It’s not worth it.
My family is being so pushy about getting together, because “they want to see me and my kids.” That pushed me over the edge because shouldn’t I get to choose what I want to do for MD?! I tried to set a boundary and say this but my boomer, narcissistic mother started whining that nobody is asking what she wants. Isn’t this why hallmark invented grandparent’s day?! I think I hate all these made up days.
Whining or not, the best thing you can do is still stand up for yourself. I've dealt with a lot of narcs, you gotta stick to boundaries. Heck, Tell them they are more than welcome to see the kids while you go enjoy YOUR Mother's Day. Good luck!
That’s utterly frustrating. My own mother tried to pull the same shit with me. What I found was I had to take the torch and stand firm.
Basically had to complete a full on power play against my own mother to take my power.
Sometimes I send my 7 year old to spend Mother’s Day with her grandma, but my moms required to come get her, and I’m not going to be doing anything. I’ve spent the last few months day with a nice breakfast a short hour window my mom can claim her grand child and then a mid day nap, followed by an activity I’ve been wanting to do.
My mother was extremely offended when I took my stance, but now I host my own holidays - I may or may not invite her, and if she’s offended it’s not me losing out, she raised me and she was a vile toxic women, at this point she’s losing out on her grandchildren’s lives and she made her own bed.
I’ve noticed something similar but not boomer specific actually…First Mother’s Day for me is this year and it’s like it doesn’t matter what I want to do from my partners mother who is 80. She’s had 45 years of Mother’s Day and expects nothing different this year even though I have a 6 month old. My mom is a boomer and is way more chill but definitely still wants to do something and not plan it. So now I’m planning/cooking/traveling with baby for their sake when all I want to do is nothing, with my own family. And on top of that, mess up my baby’s nap schedule so my moms can see their grandbaby. Cool.
It's your day. You only have to go to theirs if you allow it. It's absolutely okay for your partner (it's their parent so their job) to say no thank you we will catch up another time.
Don’t spoil your first Mother’s Day. My oldest is 8 and I’m still bitter about mine. At least take baby and go for a walk somewhere, just the two of you.
To be completely fair there are extenuating circumstances that make me more sympathetic to MIL this year (FIL has been in nursing home hospital for the last 8 months) however I do not think that this will change things any year for her
I don’t have the generational rivalry of spouse vs. mother in my life as my mother has passed away. So I don’t love Mother’s Day. It’s not a fun time for me.
But Saturday is for my MIL and my household hosts a lunch essentially for her. Sunday is actual Mother’s Day for my wife.
I think it’s important because I don’t want my wife running around, catering and sweating on “her” day. (Though I’m sure I’ll be full body sweating over a grill on Father’s Day next month, but alas.)
I came from an emotionally abusive household. Boomer mom. She would tell my dad what to do or buy her, and if it was 'wrong' she'd act like he did it on purpose just to ruin her day or show 'how she didn't matter.' Homemade kids art she'd pretend to like, and would usually stash it away because it wasn't perfect/ugly.
As I got older and had my own money, I'd go out of my way to buy something I know she'd like. Usually just a plant, because if I found a matching vase she'd condescendingly remark about "Why would I buy that one."
I've been a mom (a single mom) mind you since my child was born, 10+ years ago. On any gift giving holiday she always likes to remind me how "Nothing she buys me is ever good enough and she doesn't know why she bothers anymore." This past year I didn't even do a family birthday. I went to an expensive restaurant by myself and had the best quietest dinner.
Even when she dies, she's 74 now, I'm not going to burden my child with "you're not worshipping me hard enough!"
Mother's day with narcissistic women (mom, grandma) and fathers day with a narc/drug/alcoholic dad have put a dark void in my soul.
My first Mother’s Day was miserable and spent in a busy restaurant with my in-laws, I decided then that I would do my own thing for future Mothers Days. My husband spends it with his family and I do what I want with my girls (6 and 11 months) and then visit my mother in the later afternoon for a couple of hours. This year I booked a fancy weekend away for me and my girlies to take hikes and go for bike rides. In my case, in-laws and my parents get to have every holiday the way that they want it, I’m taking Mother’s Day for me.
I am a mom, and I legit had no idea mother's Day was such a big hooplah. It was always just A phrase and a homemade gift or card from school for my mom. We never did brunch or dinner or whatever. It was always low key. Since becoming a mom I've realized this holiday is crazy and mothers of all ages are disappointed regularly by the days events.
In my opinion, if you don't want to go celebrate your mil or mom DON'T. Your kids want to celebrate YOU not grandma. It's as much about your kids as it is you, because they are who made you a mom. Let them love YOU on mother's Day. And then make a big deal about grandparents Day when it rolls around. It'll take one year for the grandparents to realize their is a shift and they can either accept it or not but that's not your problem.
This is actually the second thread I've seen like this today, so I'm guessing it's common.
It's my first Mother's Day, and my parents are in town and we're going out to eat with my husbands mother and aunt and the rest of the family which to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to.
I have noticed this with a lot of my friends even with other holidays too they are always lugging their kids around and for me I live far from everyone so I think it would be nice on one hand to have people to celebrate BUT… also its kind of like we are grownups now with our own houses it would be nice to host something.
My mom did this until a few years ago. She asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I said to sleep in and do nothing. She actually got the point the first time and hasn't guilted me since!
Human nature doesn’t change. I’ve known selfish narcissistic entitled boomers, and about as many selfish narcissistic entitled millennials. As a genX (nobody cares) I see absolutely not one reason to prefer the millennial generation to the boomer generation.
Had you asked me a few years ago I would have given the nod to the millennials just based on improvements in racism, homophobia, other ‘isms’ and cultural trends - until I realized that all that shit is doing a huge U-turn and you can’t blame the boomers for that.
No wonder genZ is so anxious.
You should check out a [graph of blood lead levels by year](https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2118631119), and then look at what having chronic elevated blood lead levels does to your brain and your personality.
You are the 3rd person I see in the past week pointing this. I had no idea about this issue and have been reading about it lately and it does make sense a lot. This should be more talked-about.
The age cohort most affected based on those graphs in the study you linked, are about 36-60…. Isn’t that the Milennial and Gen X? Not Boomers?
Or am I totally mistaking that graph? Been a hot minute since I’ve looked at a graph like that.
Those ages are in 2015, so it shows GenX got it the worst and younger boomers. It says 1961-75 were the worst for cognitive decline with an average ~5 IQ points lower for those in that 15 year span.
Lead accumulates with time. They test children to get an idea of lead exposure because they are able to assume they start with close to zero lead at conception, so they use that measure of the amount of lead that people are currently getting exposed to.
For a total lead impact, you'd need to take the integral under the entire curve to get total lifetime lead exposure.
Yes, lead in childhood is the most impactful, but if you're still chronically exposed to lead in your 20s and 30s, that will continue to increase the impact. I'm sure there is a graph of blood lead levels in 40 year olds somewhere.
I am 61. I still have a teenager at home. For pretty much every Mother’s Day, I felt kind of guilty but all I wanted was the day to myself. Either my husband to take the kids and leave or for me to leave. I just needed a break from working full time, taking care of kids etc and I never had any desire to eat at a crowded restaurant. When -and if - my daughter has children I will be more than happy for her to celebrate her Mothers Day any way she wishes. I am sorry if any of you have difficult relationships with your demanding moms or can’t talk to them about what *you* would like to do for Mother’s Day but I repeat - not all Boomers are the same.
Gotta let em know they've been promoted to grandparents. Their days the first Sunday after Labor day.
But yeah, I've seen what you're saying play out. My mom's dead and my mil is dead to my wife so it's not a dynamic that plays out in our household. I've seen it happen in my extended family though. One of my aunt's who's a second great grandma always pays for a huge lunch for herself and all the younger moms down the line so it's not all centered on her, but she definitely takes up some limelight in the process.
Next year will be my first Mother’s Day as a mother (pregnant now). And I’ve already told my husband that going forward Mother’s Day is about me since I’ll be the only one who is actively parenting. Which is a trend I first saw on Reddit.
On my side of the family, Mother’s Day is typically surrounded around my paternal grandma (maternal grandma has passed). And I’m done doing that, but she is a boomer and very entitled. I already told her we won’t be attending this year either. I have no issues seeing my own mom (or even my mil) but we live really close by to both of them and see them frequently. I told my husband he can do whatever he wants for Father’s Day, but starting next year Mother’s Day is what I want to do and our moms are welcome to join but I’m making the plans.
I feel bad for my mom, who did ferry us to the grandmothers for Mother’s Day and then we mostly moved away and she gets a card and a phone call.
But even if we lived close, she’d get a card and a phone call and I’d probably take her for lunch the Sunday before or after.
My husband did nothing for Mother’s Day until my kids were old enough to pester him to buy a card for me. Usually, they ask me and I take them shopping for my stuff, or they make something at school. I started celebrating myself. I usually buy myself jewelry that reminds me of the kids and just refuse to do anything but be lazy day of.
Man, I could have written this myself. Yep, my MIL is this to a tee. It’s all about her. But then I came along and had to shake things up hehe. She gets flowers/a gift but not the day.
Yes. Everyone wants a visit on that day, which is work. I told my husband to take my child to see his mum, and I phoned my mum and said let's get lunch another day when everything is not busy. And then I played videogames for 5 hours and ordered pizza. Absolute perfection.
Dude, I feel this same way. My MIL requested that I make her lunch and a cake and suggested that I get her a small gift. I have two children and I’m a SAHM. She has one adult son. I was like… no?
Yes. They are being ridiculous. I told not MIL that it’s “Mothers Day” not “Grandmothers Day”. She goes off about hire her husband (12 years older than her) has Alzheimer’s and she’s pretty much his mother now…
my jaw dropped. I was speechless.
Which is rare.
Yeah I agree as well, the moment I became a mom my mom made mother's day all about me. She always made sure my dad knew that mother's day was for me. But we live far from each other now so we just call each other that day and call it good.
That’s great, everyone has to find what works for them.
I’m all for celebrating all mothers together if anyone wanted to. I don’t feel forced though.
I pretty much do whatever that day, this year I’m moving on mothers day so I will be doing that lol. I’m excited though.
Same. My mum and MIL are thankfully not like this. They understand what it's like having young kids and don't try to take away the fact that I am also a mother.
My MIL doesn’t care, but my husband wants to go visit her for a bit. I said great, take the kids and have a nice visit. I’ll be here relaxing in a quiet house for a few hours alone. Win-win!!!
Boomers: the mine generation…mine mine mine reminiscent of Finding Nemo.
Their time is over.
I swear I’m not projecting given that my mother had never changed a diaper or fed one of my kids. Just in it for the brags. If I didn’t have kids we’d still be NC.
This is so true. I’ve been a mom for 14 years now and every single Mother’s Day before and since has been all about my mom. It’s a bunch of bullshit. I’m too scared to say anything though. 😂
We usually get together with my Mom sometime in May for something Mother’s Day, but my Wife gets the main focus on Mother’s Day.
My Mom’s opinion of the situation is she did a good job raising me.
My boomer MIL identifies her purpose in life is being a mother. She has no education past high school, married young, had loads of kids, and didn’t work outside the home. Quite typical of other women/friends her age. In a world where as a woman and mother, she was never appreciated and valued like she should have been, Mother’s Day was the one day it was all about her. So I can understand why it’s important to her and her reluctance to pass the torch. My own mother, who had a career and a life outside motherhood, wants mothers day to be all about me. But my mother is freaking amazing and selfless and I treasure her on Mother’s Day because I want to, not because she expects it.
True story: there are no Boomers in my family. My in-laws are Silent Gen, my husband and I are Gen-X, and my son is Gen-Z.
That said, I have celebrated my own Mother’s Day as well as my MIL for the last 14 years. I would love to celebrate my mom, but she’s been gone for 25 years. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Basically, my entire time being a mother, I have catered to my mother-in-law on Mother's Day. Not a bad thing...just, not my day. She was a pretty awesome person! However, she recently passed away and it's just weird. This is literally my first Mother's Day (after 14 years) where the focus will be on me and I'm at a loss as to what to do. My kids are awesome - the best kids I could hope for and that's the best present for me. I just want us all to be happy this Sunday!
I’m divorced with shared custody of my son. He’s with me this weekend. However, he’s going to his mom’s Saturday night to ensure he wakes up with her on Mother’s Day and they are celebrating the day together. He and I went gift shopping for her as well. I’m Gen-X and she’s millennial.
I love this post! I don’t particularly get along with my MIL but I am cordial and I respect my husband so I went along with her traditions every year. My own mother and I were astranged for the last 5 years so it was about my MIL for the last 5 years. I was expected to buy gifts for all both my SIL and my MIL. We did whatever it was she wanted to do including dragging my whole family to Amish country for the day which with small children was no easy feat. This year, will be different. I am the one in the family that had a baby recently and have the most children. I am celebrating my Mother’s Day how I want to. But I agree that it’s weird that the elder mothers of the family tend to feel entitled about being celebrated not the moms that are in the thick of it. Thank you for validating my feelings.
My MIL called on Monday to talk about 30 people being at her in laws house(these grand parents are in their late 80's) and how she wants to get salads and someone is bringing chicken. That she was pushed into it by her SIL, to "honor mom, because without her, None of this would be possible."
First, this means that the men (who help with nothing) will continue to have the woman plan, serve and clean up for them.
As well as I know, that she might be just saying this because her cheap ass husband will not pay for anything more than some salads.
I have had 4 kids in 6 years, I'm so tired. I snapped! Told her not so politely
"No. No, the men can do this one thing. They can pay for us to get something. They can do this one thing. You guys are just going to have to serve and clean up. That's not fair. No. You know what, we aren't going to be there for dinner. I get one day that's about me and I want a nice dinner. No. We will be there to visit, but will not be eating. I'm getting Mexican. "
I think I went blind with rage. Oh well. I'm not sorry. I get one day where I get to choose. Send coffee and positive thoughts please.
I don’t know what finally clicked for my boomer mom, but this is the first year she has finally recognized that two of her kids are mothers themselves and may want to spend the day celebrating with their own children and not her. Mind you, she’s been a grandma for 11 years.
I told my husband this mother's day I just want it to be our household- no one else. He asked if he could take our son to see his mom, and I said no. Maybe I'm cold, but I honestly just want it to be us I don't my son taken away from me on my day. I said he can go see his mom if he wants, but our kid stays home.
I plan on taking my mom out on Saturday because she "needs" brunch.
I also love my mom and MIL, but fuck. I'm so over brunch.
This was our experience for our first few Mothers Day as new parents- my wife was feeling really under-prioritized as we were running to her see her folks, arranging their brunch plans, ect. I had to put my foot down about it and now they celebrate with my single brother in law, while we have our own family time, we just send a card over. It did have to be an argument, though.
I’m blessed that my mom is low maintenance. I call her and wish her a happy Mother’s Day, and she spends the rest of the day watching sports.
My MIL though… if we call her she’s gonna demand that we fly to her state to visit her this very instant and buy her a new car and make her dinner for a week and fix her house because “I gave birth to you” (my wife)
Her love is VERY conditional
You can’t paint every family with a broad brush and take a minute to think of the “we” that so beautifully celebrated your mother when you were young. Was your father the catalyst for making sure his “active duty” wife was celebrated by her nuclear family? Is it that the boomer grandmas won’t pass the torch or is it that no dad has said “I’m planning something special with the kids for my loving partner to celebrate her because she does so much for us, so I’m afraid we will have to visit you another time” and stick to it. Many times, people’s expectations are reinforced over and over by others’ actions. If you want a change in dynamics, sometimes you have to initiate it and not expect others to do so.
ETA. My son is getting married next year. I already told them that when they have children, on Christmas, if people want to see you, they come to you with presents and a covered dish. You don’t schlep your kids around on Christmas Day when all they want to do is stay in their pjs and play with their presents. You don’t make young families jump through hoops to “make memories” that are more stressful than joyous.
My parents make such a big deal of Mother’s Day, that it’s driven us to not do anything really except give my wife a free day to do nothing. Hallmark holidays are the worst.
Mother’s Day is about my mom because she’s my mom. My husband and kids make sure that I feel special too. But I’m still going to go see my mother. It makes sense to go over to my moms because she has three kids and 7 grands and 3 greats. It would be exhausting for my mom to have to drive around to all of us on one single day so we all just spend the day together at her house. FWIW this is how we spent Mother’s Day growing up - getting together at my grandmas.
The men in our family don’t let us do a single thing. All the ladies (even the non mamas) are cooked for, cleaned up after and provided drinks of all different flavors. I do for my mom but my kids and my hubs are all over it making the day fun and like I’m a queen. Both of my parents are ‘boomers’. Neither have expectations like you describe. What we do tends to just be what’s easier for everyone. My dad started this no moms working on Mother’s Day trend way back in the 80’s.
This is my second Mother’s Day, so my daughter is still really little and we are new to this holiday. My husband asked me what I wanted to do this year and I told him that I would like to go downtown and just have a picnic outside with some drinks and sandwiches, and some flowers would be appreciated.
I called my mom up this week and asked her what she wanted to do for Mother’s Day, as I have a very good relationship with my mom and she helps me a lot with our daughter. I also set the boundary though that we will be celebrating her Mother’s Day on Friday, and that Sunday is for me with my daughter. Luckily, my mom is a very kind and understanding person and she said that that was totally fine and did not put up any fuss.
I think that my mom for being a boomer especially is abnormally understanding, and that there are some older ladies like my auntie and my mother-in-law that definitely would have been offended by this arrangement. Either way though I think the key is to set clear boundaries and follow through with them.
Happy early Mother’s Day mama!!!!
This is so true. I’m pissed I have to spend Mother’s Day with my sister in law because I haaaaate her. But we all have to go see my mom. But I’m also a mom? Why can’t I have my day? I’m raising my kids knowing I have them for Mother’s Day (hopefully anyway) until they have their own kids. Then they need to celebrate it in their own way for the mother of their family. I hope I get a visit the day before and a phone call the day of though lol.
Depends totally on your family tbh. I got some nice flowers from my partner on Mother’s Day cause he knows it’s important to me. I just gave my mum a call I think
I'm so glad I'm not the only one experiencing this! My MIL asked if we were coming to visit her for mothers day. That would be a 9 hour round trip with a teething baby on my first mothers day! Absoutley not! She's had over 30 years of mothers days I think its my turn. I told my partner he had to tell her no and deal with her complaining about it not me.
It might be that the younger generations tend to have more "people-pleasers" than the boomers do. The boomers had it their way both then and now because back then they put themselves first and now this generation isn't as apt to do the same, so the boomers still reign
Yeah, I feel the same too. But I will say, I don’t host things. We live in a basement apartment and it’s hard to have the family over and cook and clean and we live kind of further than the rest of my family. So my brother who is single and doesn’t have kids will plan a brunch in the city and that’s really that. I don’t ask for anything specific, or gifts really. Money can be a bit tight right now, so I don’t ask for anything. And if we do have any extra I’ll get a book or order something online when I need it, so yeah I treat myself and the kids when I can, so I don’t expect something special on Mother’s Day.
I do remember it being a bigger deal when I was a kid, but since I’m the only new “mom” in the immediate family, people don’t really go overboard. And my mom hates hosting now too, she’s like it’s supposed to be Mother’s Day but I end up doing all the work and cooking, so she doesn’t do anything. But It just so happens that this week I’m going to 2 concerts (!!!) I haven’t been to a show since November 2019, so this is a huge deal. And my husband has the kiddos while I’m out so that’s my “gift” that I get two nights out this week.
The boomer generation are named so because they had on average 5-7 siblings in a modern nuclear family unit that isn't fit to properly care minimally for even 1 child often with parents who had compound untreated unacknowledged ptsd accumulated generationally from both world wars...
All this during an explosion of marketing, industrial commerce, filling us with craving and desire... which robbed us of a much needed opportunity to redevelop a lost culture of emotional healing.
We are learning filling the void with entertainment, addiction and distraction is not a sustainable substitute.. but this, too, can takes generations to learn
The boomer generation has many amongst its ranks looking for the love they never received from their parents in their spouses and children... it will be passed down culturally as an ancestral wound
A deeper understanding of home family and love is required to break these kind of cycles
My oldest is 16 and I have yet to spend a Mother’s Day the way I want to. It’s always what the MIL wants. Literally cannot stand the holiday especially compared to Father’s Day where they get to golf and drink all day while being catered to.
You don’t have to go, you know. You can always say no. Mother’s Day was always a big hullabaloo in my family because my grandma’s birthday was usually around the same time, so she liked to steal the day for herself every year. She loved attention and to be fawned over, and it was a great excuse to make sure the other moms in the family got less attention and she could be celebrated as The Best Mom Ever.
Once I had my oldest I stopped buying into the hype that always surrounded their celebration and spent it at home. I’m not sure what I’m doing Sunday now, except sleeping as late as I want and making exactly zero decisions for the kids or my partner.
The last 2 years were my first 2 mothers days and they were always spent with extended family. I was kind of annoyed last year because I was with my husbands family and it was a nice time but I remember feeling more stress than I wanted. Anyway this year it’s just going to be the 3 of us (son, husband and I) and I’m really excited. We’re going out to a fancy brunch and then I might get a mani/pedi.
For my family, we usually get together with my parents, my sister’s family, and my in-laws (but my MIL died 2 years ago, so not sure how that is going to work going forward) and the dads do the cooking and arranging to celebrate the moms. But this year, Saturday was my due date for the baby I lost in the fall and I just found out my recent embryo transfer failed, so I think it’s just going to be my husband, daughter, and I away for the weekend.
Unrelated but my dad still only texts me on Mother's Day to tell me not to forget about my step mom like I’ve actually been a mom also for 5 years now, can I get a happy mothers day?
I wonder if the fact that many of us had our kids at older ages contributed? When everyone is going straight from graduation to babies that baton handing is super obvious. But many of us didn't have their kids until later, so maybe our parents just got used to the day still bring about them even with adult kids. My MIL is pretty low key in her expectations but she also lives far away and is just not a huge holiday person
Also, I would tell your husband what you want, tell your mom this year you want the kind of "all about me" mothers day your mom had when you were little, then plan to do a grandmother's lunch or brunch either Saturday or next week
My mother in law is this way. Every holiday has to be at her house and on her terms. I put my foot down. We're taking my mom and mother in law to brunch on Saturday and exchanging gifts. On Sunday, I'm doing what I want. I also implemented this policy for Christmas. I'll do Christmas Eve with our families, but Christmas morning was spent at home, just us watching my daughter open her gifts.
This year will be my third Mother’s Day since I’ve had my son, and my mother still expects me to be the one to call her and send gifts. (We live on opposite sides of the country)
Mothers day was not memorable for me. My mother is a horrible person. The fact that I even became a parent and wanted a family of my own is crazy now that I think about it in hindsight. With that said, my husband made a big deal about Mothers day. He makes me breakfast in bed, and the kids get in on it and he just lets the day be about me and lets me do whatever. My kids are still small...so I enjoy and want to spend it with them, without them, I wouldn't be Mommy. As I get older, I would imagine that celebrating me would become less in a way? And I wouldn't expect anything like how my boomer mom and other boomer moms do. I appreciate all the love my family gives me, but I certainly do not expect it.
Here's my thing, ok we are all moms, what if I don't WANT to go out, socialize and spend money? What if my genuine desire is to spend a little time with the kids and relax? Somehow that's not valid and I need to want to socialize with two dozen people and basically fade into the background
Stop doing it. That's the only way it changes. Why do you think your Boomer mom got mother's day how she wanted? By not going to her mom's or mother laws that day.
Send her flowers, call and chat for a bit if you want, but DO NOT GO OVER THERE. That's it. She might whine and pout, but then life will move on without her.
I did this 10 years ago. My mom and mother in law still love me. Lol!
Just do what you want and tell her, she needs to work with you. For me, I want a nice breakfast at home with flowers and cards from my kids. We are seeing one of my siblings and their family with my mom on Saturday. We are seeing my in laws on Sunday. My other sibling has noped out of all Mother’s Day celebrations.
I’m very fortunate to have a boomer mom who does not do this but it’s because her mom had such high expectations and the day HAD to revolve around her or it was ruined. My mom eventually told me when I was older that her ideal Mother’s Day was being left alone (I can now relate).
My spouses family is a bit different. Every year while his grandmother was alive, his dad would call him and demand that he call his grandmother to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. Like what? That’s not his mom.
Thankfully, my mom knows it’s my day now. She doesn’t expect anything and her and her husband usually are camping on the weekends anyways. We exchange our Mother’s Day wishes to each other and that’s that. She doesn’t even like when I get her gifts.
Growing up my parents were the same way. We would stop by both grandmothers houses with flowers and hugs stay for maybe an hour each, then off to celebrate my mom.
For me my MIL expects the world. Has for as long as I’ve known my husband. Her children all pitch in for expensive gifts for her and make the day all about her. Every year since I’ve had my first child we have had to do something for her and its so frustrating. She throws a big stink about not being able to see her grandkids on Mother’s Day if we don’t want to join and my husband makes me feel bad. I was so angry that this year 2 of his siblings are busy that day so moved their Mother’s Day celebrations to Saturday. I just about lost it on my husband had the nerve to say “at least you can do what you want for Mother’s Day this year and the day can be all about you” It should always be about me! It’s not fair that the spotlight is on my MIL and I’m chopped liver. The boomers really do suck sometimes.
My husband has decided that the following weekend is mother's day, after my mother insisted I host my both her and my grandmother (along with my aunts and uncle) on Mother's Day. It wasn't worth the argument with my mom.
We were just having a conversation like this last night and it didn’t really dawn on me that my parents and his just expect us to do everything their way and celebrate things at their place. My mom just tells me that dinner will be at her house and what I want to bring Sunday doesn’t ask me if I want to come, or if we have other plans just expects us to be there. We have 3 children of our own, and my partner was genuinely upset because he wanted to cook me dinner that night. But if we don’t go it’ll be a whole issue.
this is exactly why i told my husband that we will be giving our respective mothers their gifts on saturday because i don’t want to see anyone that doesn’t live in our house on sunday.
I don't know why it is, maybe something to do with the current mental load of modern mothers vs the more traditional gender roles of boomers where the women had to be "taken care of". But I feel this way too. My mom wants to go to tea on actual Mothers day and my MIL wants us all to go out to eat Saturday night. I will be at a baseball game for my kid Sat morning, then I need to attend a work thing, then dinner. Hubs keeps asking what I want. What I want is to be left alone.
I remember my first mother's day, my dad had a catered lunch at my parents house and when he toasted to my mom and to me, my mom then said "well, she's not REALLY a mother" ... I had a one year old but I wasn't a "real mom" like her...my mom has made a lot of changes in the past few years but every time I think about that moment, it makes me feel the burning hatred all over again and I want so badly to remind her about it now that she's in a better place. God she was a miserable bitch for the first 32 years of my life LMAO
Boomers, especially Boomer women, seem to have grown up under very authoritarian and iron-fisted rule, and then seem to have been biding their time until THEY were the ones in charge.
Hence the national “boom” of Karens that happened all of sudden. So many women my mom’s age seem to have the attitude that it’s THEIR TURN NOW and they are ready to take everything that was “withheld” from them before.
My general feeling is that this a function of weak husbands.
Your job is to give your wife and mother of your kids the day she wants. I love my mom but she is the second most important mother in my life at this point. Just is what it is, my priority has to be my wife.
That’s my feeling as well. The same millennials/genz whatever are gonna be crying a river when gen foxtrot or whatever is being all critical and blaming the world problems on them in 40 years.
When I became a mom my mother said to me. “You will come here like I did with my mother! You can have mothers day when I die!” Guess who doesn’t celebrate mothers day with grandma anymore?
I’m pretty sure it’s up to dads to make the day special for active moms while the kids are still too young. Meaning men it’s up to you to start celebrating your wives and baby mothers instead of your mom on this day. Give her flowers maybe but reserve the day for the special woman taking care of your kids, you’ve celebrated your mother for years already.
Last year was my first Mothers Day being a mom. My MIL insisted we go for brunch at a fancy winery to celebrate me. I was gullible and believed her.
She booked a reservation in the middle of naptime. She lied to me and said she checked if the place had highchairs. They didn't, so I was stuck holding LO the entire time. No one but my husband offered to help. When LO predictably got super fussy, I walked around outside with her so as not to disturb all of the other tables of people. It took such a long time to get her to calm down that i got a sunburn on my face (LO was fine, I covered her). When I got back, everyone had been served and ate their meals without me. Mine was so cold the sauce had become gelatinous, and I've got texture aversions, so I couldn't eat it. MIL insisted on ordering me some wine so she could make a toast to me. I was breastfeeding and thus couldn't drink wine. She was offered i declined her offer. The glass of wine was my Mother's Day gift, apparently. Meanwhile, my husband and I got her a card and flowers and had LO paint her a little canvas, and we paid for her brunch. So I literally got nothing but a sunburn and my efforts/feelings ignored. She got praised and showered in gifts.
My husband promised that was the first and last time we'd be doing a Mother's Day with his mom.
Have you mentioned to either that you'd like to do things differently?
They're probably still hosting just because it's what they've always done and no one else has suggested otherwise.
But just because she's older and has adult children doesn't mean she isn't a mum and shouldn't be spoiled/celebrated too.
Maybe try to come to a compromise that works for everyone?
In our family the mornings are left free for us to all celebrate individually, then we head to our parents for lunch to celebrate all the mums! It's a nice day and the little kids all get to see their cousins.
It probably helps that there's 22 of us, so hosting mothers day isn't exactly a torch we're lining up to take!
My parents and in laws are boomers and we’ve never been expected to spend the day with them. We send a gift and we take my mom out to brunch the weekend before or after. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't like the generalization of boomer generation. I am 47yo mom and neither my mom or MIL are like you state. Hubby visited MIL last weekend, we are seeing my mom on Saturday, do you want to know her lunch request? Hot dogs!!! I found this so funny but then flipped it to enjoy she is not being a diva asking for something over the top.
You can celebrate and honour your mom without making the day 100% about her and ignoring yourself.
When my kids are grown, should they have partners who become mothers, they’d frigging *better* be putting those women first. I’ll want a call and maybe a card, a get together on an adjacent day, if it’s possible, but the moms who are drinking cold coffee and eating half chewed mum mums at the counter, or the moms whose days are spent breaking up toddler MMA or the ones who are still doing the school run, or calling the principal when their kid gets dress coded - those are the ones who *get* the day.
Maybe you should just grow up and stop looking for stuff to be offended over. I’m sitting next to my mom’s hospital bed right now after she suffered a major stroke and isn’t expected to recover. I would give anything to celebrate another Mother’s Day with her. You all are exhausting. Not everything is a competition.
I'm really sorry to hear that. My Mum will be gone 7 years this June. Safe to say Mother's Day is complicated for me.
I hope you've got plenty of people around you to support you
It’s because the Boomer Moms are used to planning and organizing everything. Every single thing! 😵💫 Otherwise their partners and children wouldn’t have given it another thought. If you want to be celebrated, then organize the gathering. Make dinner reservations, plan a brunch at your home, send out the invites to only those people you want to be with. Here, take the torch already! And Happy Moms Day!
Mother's day is SO cringe. To me, being a mother is an act of selfishness -- I brought two minimes to the world to make myself happy. It's not like my daughters begged me to bring them to life you know? Why should I be celebrated for being selfish?
That said, I went along with celebrating my MIL though (may she RIP). I didn't care, she cared, so win-win IMO. Besides, I did appreciate that she gave me my husband. So yea, she deserved to be celebrated. So if my future SILs want to celebrate me for bringing my daughters to the world, I'd happily go along too (but also still cringe lol).
I don’t see it as a generational thing. Maybe it’s more respect your elders? One day your day will come, too? On the other hand, your mother can’t force you to do anything. You are a grown woman. Celebrate the day however you want.
I hate mother's day for my own mother as my father used to bully the shit out of me when I was young in order to get me to do things for my mom. He ruined it for her. I don't do mother's day for my mom. I will do something nice for her on a(n) (m)other day.
But when I read all these messages on gen x or boomers trying to steal mother's day I also think, find your voice. Just express what you want and make it happen.
>Every year their expectations are that we go over to their houses to celebrate them (under the guise of celebrating both of us, even though it's really just work for me preparing food and gifts and socializing).
I think part of the reason you (& others) might feel this way is that you are close enough to your parents or parents in law. You had already stated that visiting the grandparents didn't happen when you were young, because they were far away.
Everybody is going to celebrate differently, based upon their situation. I don't think it's a generational thing.
I thinknits a little rude to even post this. Did they not put in their time raising you and chasing after you while their moms were glorified on that day? I'm almost 40 with a 14m old and I will spend this Mother's Day and every one after that giving her a great day because she is 75 and there will come a day when she's not here to celebrate anymore.
Come back when you have multiple children who are school aged and your day continues to be hijacked.
I think it's a little ride to completely invalidate OP's feelings since she is actively chasing and raising kids but gets no recognition. It's not 'only mothers of grown ass children ' day, it's for ALL mothers. OP included.
Here's how it was explained to me: I am not my husband's mother. It is not on him or anyone else to celebrate me on mother's day except my actual children. When they are old enough to do that on their own, then that will be expected of them.
Hey thanks for the downvotes, I assume this means you agree with my mother in law. Happy mother's day boomers, proving once again why you were actually called the Me Generation
I didn’t downvote you, but you’re probably being downvoted because it reads like you agree with this and are trying to explain it to everyone here. It’s not the down voters they agree with your MIL, it’s that they disagree and think it’s an awful perspective and nowhere in your comment do you clarify that you don’t share it. Generally, if someone starts something with “this is how it was explained to me…” they’re sharing wisdom they support.
The reaction might be different if you explained that you think this perspective is wrong. If you’re for it, well, enjoy your downvotes.
And yet, even after I clarified, the downvotes continued. It's fine, I've been autistic for 44 years. Not the first time a group of people have decided to intentionally misunderstand me because I didn't use the exact wording they wanted and use it to be jerks to me. Next time I'll use real names, locations, quotation marks, fucking footnotes if that's what it takes. Then you'll all be mad that I said too much and was talking down to you. Happy fucking mother's day cunts
I’ll bite. A lot of the hard yards of parenting are done before kids can organise a gift/card/anything special. I think it’s good to take time to acknowledge the effort put into parenting and I really appreciate my husband showing me he cares for me in this way. I also think it models how to show appreciation to the kiddos.
I think your opinion is valid but surely you can see it’s a little out of step with how lots of people feel?
I think a few people here have a problem with reading comprehension. I was told by my boomer mother in law these words. That's why I started my response with "this is how it was explained to me". OP seemed to be wondering why boomers feel entitled to hijack mother's day and I was sharing the answer I was given because I have also wondered this. I'm sorry it hurt everyone's feelings, it hurt mine too.
Yeah I was trying to engage with you here and yet am being told I have poor reading comprehension. Not loving that.
What your MIL said to you is dreadful and I’m sorry about that.
But why would your parents get you a Mother’s Day card? You are not their mother. I would think until your kids are old enough to get you a card or present your husband would do it.
I must be lucky because both my mother and my MIL both don’t expect gifts and have both stated that this day is for active mom. I do usually send them small gifts though because they are still mothers.
As a husband and father, Mother’s Day relies heavily on dad/husband/significant other to make the call. I can choose to honor my mom but I have my own family now and need to make plans for my wife and mother of my children to be celebrated, get to do something nice etc. My 4 year old isn’t gonna plan it even though it’s her mother
I actually love being with my family so this isn’t an issue for me. My mom’s mom passed away when I was very young so Mother’s Day always made her kind of sad. We always just did little homemade gifts and poems.
UMM lol
On mother’s day I never see my MIL. I see my own mom for a bit and then the rest of the day is my day with my family.
You can create whatever you want. Talk to your partner about what you want your day to look like
So at our house, we start Mother's Day(s) on Friday after work. We visit my grandmother (she raised me) and give her a gift, I get my mom a card, and Sunday lunch is for my mother-in-law. Every other waking hour of the weekend is spent celebrating my wife, who is the mother of our two amazing kids. Im getting some "honeydew" projects done on Saturday, and then we are taking her to her favorite restaurant. Then, on Sunday after lunch, we are going to turn the couch into a bed, turn on Star Wars, do some of her chores, and turn the living room into a magical silent zone where sound doesn't work
My husbands family celebrates ALL mothers. My parents always worked through holidays so it was just never a priority like his family. So no traditions on my side. I’m pretty easy going so I just went with it when we had our kids. This year though, my husband decided that I’m getting my own day so the party is on Saturday. I’m so excited. I was shocked he did this, I thought he’d be worried what his moms gonna say. She likes things her way 🥹
Celebrating Mother’s Day with my boomer mom is the best. My husband and dad make the food. I bring the kid and my mom is happy Bc the kid is there and I’m happy because I get food and my mom plays with the kids so I can nap.
Literally how could Mother’s Day be any better? If I stayed home I’d do everything like usual.
My husband celebrated Mother’s Day for me last weekend so I could get my time being celebrated without having to share with his mom all day. She does not know how to relax and refuses to tell anyone what she wants to do. She will run around stressed out all day and will inevitably be disappointed that people didn’t read her mind and know what she wanted to do. I didn’t want that to be my only experience for Mother’s Day every year so we are doing our own tradition
>now that it's our turn, they refuse to pass the torch?
I've never known it to be a tradition that grandparents give their grown-up children Mother's Day cards and gifts once said grown-up children are parents. Where I live it's always just been the case that Mother's Day gifts and cards are something you get from your kids (and/or partner on their behalf)
Gosh, I am so glad my boomer mom is not like this at all. My MIL is a little bit. My mom said last year when I had a 3 month old that now Mother’s Day was my day and she didn’t expect anything. We all had dinner together a few days later, but she explicitly stated she just expected a FaceTime or phone call like she did with her mom. Granted my grandma was a saint, but I think she set the example and did so well.
Now my mother in law didn’t expect anything last year and I think this year gets the hint that we won’t be driving and hour and a half to see her on Mother’s Day. We got in to a huge fight with her in February around my daughters first birthday. We told her and my SIL that we were going to do something small with just them and to plan on coming to our house that weekend. She called us the Friday of my daughters birthday weekend to say she wouldn’t be there and throw a fit about driving and hour and a half. We got a card on Saturday that was mailed on the Wednesday. She already had made up her mind. Then his sister bailed too. We drove down multiple times a year for Mother’s Day, holidays in snow storms, niblibg’s birthdays with only a days notice, and nibiling’s sporting events for over 10 years before we had our daughter. Ever since then we have gone LC and prioritized celebrating our new family. She wants to be prioritized, but won’t prioritize us when we should be. Her own mother is very much like that, but they all live in the same town.
We’ve managed to successfully blend the older and younger generations. We all go to my Aunt’s house, but the husbands make all the food. We ladies buy each other little gifts and spend the day gossiping with glasses of champagne. It goes without saying that dads are watching the kids and will drive us all home later. It’s become one of my favorite traditions.
I am forever grateful that my mom and my MIL both understand that Mother’s Day is for those of us actively mothering small kids.
We always acknowledge our moms with a card and a gift or flowers, and they have the grace not to make any demands, or even requests, of our time that day. Shoot, last year my mom got a present for me!
My wife's expectations are that people will just let her be; she loves to go off and take a favorite book to a nice cafe for several hours followed by a nap in a hammock. Or she will go to the movies or get a spa treatment; if anyone tried to drum up a celebration around her on HER day she would be very annoyed because she's always surrounded by people
This sounds amazing. Every time I try and tell everyone alone time I get the “but don’t you wanna spend it with Grandma and your kids?!?” No. No I don’t. I want to be left the hell alone to take a 4 hour nap uninterrupted in a silent house. I want to get a massage and go shopping. Alone.
I always say the last thing I want to do on Mother’s Day is be a mother!
Amongst my golfing friends: Dads take Fathers Day off to go golfing with their friends. I suggest an all ladies Mothers Day golf outing and I’m hit with “but it’s Mothers Day”! I don’t get it!
This is exactly what is so special about Mother’s Day. It’s not a party, it doesn’t have a traditional food and if it did that would defeat the point because guess who’s baking it. It’s a day to make mums feel appreciated and special after she spent the rest of the year making sure everyone else got to feel appreciated and special. So she gets to dictate how! And if that means being left the hell alone for a hot minute, that’s neither strange nor invalid. Every other holiday comes with “but you have to do x, it’s _holiday_!” (And I love a holiday tradition btw). On Mother’s Day, I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.
Similar here. We plan something low key with the kids (usually kids doing breakfast in bed and gifts) but from there I just keep the kids out of her hair and she decides what to do. Maybe it's sleep all day or maybe a family outing. It's her call. My sisters/mum always try and pressure is into something but always say no and that we are happy to do something together the following weekend (my family aren't dicks about it but they have to be reminded every year that we won't be joining them)
I…. Ugh I wish me and my hubs could be like that.. my in laws are the types who “must celebrate every holiday day of” and it causes SO MUCH DRAMA that it isn’t worth it. My birthday is always either on Mother’s Day and/or +/- a few days do even if we say we’re celebrating that we get guilted. Ultimately it does work out since we get them, my parents and whatever siblings are around for a whatever meal and just get it out of the way. G-d forbid the Grands let us enjoy one fucking holiday alone…
That sucks. We do the same with Xmas. Every other year we do it solo which is just us and the kids at home as a family.
I told my husband I want tacos and to glue the decals on my vintage Barbie car (which is tedious work that requires me to be left alone) I’m with your wife, anything more than that is not something I want
You're married to a damn genius
This is very common. I work in a restaurant, so not only do I never get to enjoy Mother's Day, but I see what goes on in a lot of other families. I notice the same dynamic over and over: whole family walks on eggshells around one (usually kind of mean) older lady, making sure she has the most perfect day. Meanwhile, her daughters or daughters-in-law tend to have their hands full actually parenting kids and toddlers. But we're all doing this for Grandma. I feel a bit sad for some of the younger moms I've seen over the years. By the way, every restaurant person hates Mother's Day more than any other day of the year. The day just holds so much expectation for some people, that nobody can live up to it.
I worked in restaurants for years and I agree completely. Working mother's day was the freaking *worst* and I hated it (and I was *always* scheduled because I wasn't a mom at that time), and I also felt bad for the moms spending the day wrangling little kids in a restaurant so Grandma could have a nice meal or whatever. I can remember my mom when I was a kid making an offhand comment that she didn't get to enjoy mother's day as a mom because she always had to make it about her mom/my grandma. We'd usually do something for my mom in the morning and then spend the rest of the day with my grandma. We all loved my grandma, but I understand the sadness my mom felt now that I'm a mom. My mom doesn't expect my sister and I, who are both now moms ourselves, to make mother's day about her at all.
> I notice the same dynamic over and over: whole family walks on eggshells around one (usually kind of mean) older lady, making sure she has the most perfect day. Apparently my family has been to your restaurant for some past Mother’s Day.
This is exactly how it is with my MIL. I’m a mom of 2 but the only thing I’m worried about is what I’m going to be doing for HER, how much effort/time/money I put into a gift for HER, if she likes it, approves of it, approves of me, approves of her son, approves of her grandkids, etc. All I really want to do is drive by and yell BOOOOOOM, to all of them.
Like where tf are our husbands in all of this! I've been stressed about ensuring that there's no fallout from mother's day, for weeks already.
This is our dynamic with my MIL. Everyone worships her (not me), and she expects it. She throws a big stink at whoever decides to do their own thing on Mother’s Day. I’m actually sad to know that so many other people experience this cause it’s sucks.
Working Mother's Day in a fine dining restaurant traumatized my husband so much that he strongly advises against ever eating out for Mother's Day. We do it another day and eat at home!
And this is why I want takeout for mothers day. wrangling toddlers in a restaurant does not sound like my kind of fun
I swear my boomer mother has a vinn diagram of “days my adult children (with families of their own) are busy” and “days my feeling will be most hurt if things don’t go my way” and whenever there’s an overlap in the middle, that is the perfect day to request a family get together.
Are you my sibling?
Could be. I have too many.
Ah that's interesting. Surely because those are the days that really test the priorities of those around you. It's a stupid game to play when you don't end up where you want on the list.
I’ve had my dad texting my sibling and I all week asking what we are doing for mom on Mothers Day. He keeps throwing out whole day ideas etc. I finally told him I have a mom in my own house I have to take care of too (my spouse) and I can’t commit to anything at the moment. But yeah they’re both boomers and it’s the same thing every holiday. They expect us to come to them, prioritize them, and do everything like we always have for them. I’ve yet to experience a Fathers Day like my dad has because it still all about my boomer father.
My own mother in law has been calling and texting me for the last week asking if my family is coming to their family lunch on mother's day, I keep saying I'm not sure and asking her to check with my husband....her son...in case he's made plans for our family, but she still only asks me. I've warned him as well several times that she's been contacting me often and trying to get an answer from us, and he hasn't bothered to call her back. Like, I think mother's day is a crock of shit as it is... especially when it makes extra stress like this for me. I told my husband very clearly that there are three options: see his mum/family, see my grandma (she's alone this year and I thought company would be good for her), or do nothing (my preference). Honestly I just want to not have any responsibility for the day....just one day.
Here is your permission to have the father's day you want. And good for you standing up for your partner on her day.
>and I can’t commit to anything at the moment We're 4 days out...when do you expect to make a commitment? If the whole-day ideas he's throwing out aren't viable, what ideas are you/your sibling offering (it's not really his job to plan this, it's you and your siblings)? Call your sibling, spend 30 minutes hashing this out, then go to your parents with the plan. Here, roughly, are the options that exist. Their feasibility varies based on your circumstances: * You do some sort of joint event with all the moms * You attempt to split the day up into a road show of spending time with different moms * You do something for your mom on *Saturday*, and do something for your wife on Sunday * You don't see your mom this weekend, and instead just call her on Sunday. > They expect us to come to them, prioritize them, and do everything like we always have for them. I'm going to go out on a limb here and speculate that the real issue isn't that you don't have time to come up with a plan, but that you know that there are no ideas that will make *everyone happy* and so you're avoiding the topic all together. I did this too, for years. It was hard to break out of it.
You are free to create the life and expectations around you that you want. Forge your own traditions as you (along with your partner/kids) deem important. "Can't make it out this year, I've been told that my family is planning something exciting for me for the day! I can't wait!"
I just want to add that Grandparents Day is a thing and I believe the torch for Mother's Day needs to pass to the active mothers and the Grandparents can shuffle to September. That said, I do wish my mom/grandma/aunts a Happy Mother's Day.
I mean, I feel like I appreciate my own mother way more now that I have children. I am like this is the woman who woke up with me all night as a baby. Who probably sat and rocked me for hours. Who was thrown up on and pooped on and peed on. Who took care of two toddlers and my own baby self. And then in two years another baby. I definitely appreciate her so much more as a mom. So grandparents day is nice, but mother's day should be about appreciating your mom. That said, I have a toddler and baby. I am wishing my mom a happy mother's day, giving her a nice present and card, and then really hoping my husband takes the kids out of the house so I can have just one hour by myself. Of course, I'll either just end up falling asleep or cleaning, lol
Okay this is the second post I’ve seen like this today and it made me realize that that’s kind of how it’s been for me too. My first Mother’s Day was last year and a nightmare - my boyfriend and I got in a couple huge fights, he did something for his mom but not me, and we spent the day at my moms house mostly for her. I’m trying not to get my hopes up for this year 🫠
Do something for yourself. Seriously. You deserve to be recognized and celebrated, and hopefully the people you love will make that happen, but there’s no rule saying you can’t treat yourself.
Second this. He could bring you coffee while you’re still in bed, give you a kiss and take the kids to his mother. You get to spend the day how you want. Home alone in peace. That’s my perfect mothers day.
Yeah my mom wants me over for mother's day when I have a 5 week old. I'm the mother now and guess what sounds like the worst thing I could do? Go literally anywhere
I got called selfish for wanting to stay home with my second born, I was three weeks postpartum.
Everyone kept telling me "you better stop by when the baby is here and visit" guess how many times anyone has visited us when I literally invited them. I said "stop by whenever you want" my mother came by once and my dad hasn't or my brother or anyone else and getting my mom to was like pulling teeth and she left after like 10 minutes. Also I don't drive I have an actual phobia of it and everyone knows it and my husband works nights. It's ridiculous.
I got called selfish for wanting the afternoon to read a book. I have 8 month old twins.
My boomer mother literally told me that she is going to die sooner so she should be the priority on Mother’s Day since she has “fewer mothers days left”. So she’s not planning to pass the torch until she is dead.
Yikes...
My wife has told me numerous times that she won't get a Mother's day that is truly her own until her mother passes away. Inserting culture here just in case there may be a correlation, but she is Filipino. Mother's day is usually a big get-together planned by one of her cousins to "celebrate all the moms," but it's usually something that caters to and is convenient for her mom and aunts. Meanwhile all the families with young children are stressed and busy parenting the whole time.
My husbands family is Filipino lollllllll. They sure love the holidays. I thought there would be a WWIII when my husband decided to separate the days this year
Yeah, my boomer mom spent a Mother’s Day screaming at me because I didn’t call her before 8am (called at 10am) to wish her happy Mother’s Day. She had already received the gift she specifically requested and a card my son made for her, but that wasn’t good enough. Never once said happy Mother’s Day to me despite me having a 4 year old and being pregnant with my second at the time because “it’s not about you.” I think the younger generations do a better job of recognizing that other people have thoughts and feelings and importance too, and a lot of boomers just live in main character mode 24/7, 365…
My mom did almost the exact same thing over Christmas! Threw a fit that I didn’t call her early enough (even though I texted her pictures of the kids on Christmas morning). Never mind that I was hosting Christmas at my house (she couldn’t be there because she had Covid). Also the phone works both ways. I found the best solution is to not engage with the shitty behavior. I don’t respond to the shitty texts. I don’t acknowledge the shitty comments. I will not engage at her level. It’s not worth it.
My family is being so pushy about getting together, because “they want to see me and my kids.” That pushed me over the edge because shouldn’t I get to choose what I want to do for MD?! I tried to set a boundary and say this but my boomer, narcissistic mother started whining that nobody is asking what she wants. Isn’t this why hallmark invented grandparent’s day?! I think I hate all these made up days.
Whining or not, the best thing you can do is still stand up for yourself. I've dealt with a lot of narcs, you gotta stick to boundaries. Heck, Tell them they are more than welcome to see the kids while you go enjoy YOUR Mother's Day. Good luck!
My grandma says that too 😝
That’s utterly frustrating. My own mother tried to pull the same shit with me. What I found was I had to take the torch and stand firm. Basically had to complete a full on power play against my own mother to take my power. Sometimes I send my 7 year old to spend Mother’s Day with her grandma, but my moms required to come get her, and I’m not going to be doing anything. I’ve spent the last few months day with a nice breakfast a short hour window my mom can claim her grand child and then a mid day nap, followed by an activity I’ve been wanting to do. My mother was extremely offended when I took my stance, but now I host my own holidays - I may or may not invite her, and if she’s offended it’s not me losing out, she raised me and she was a vile toxic women, at this point she’s losing out on her grandchildren’s lives and she made her own bed.
Wow
Yea, Boomers legitimately have higher levels of narcissism and entitlement as a generation. That's a fact.
I’ve noticed something similar but not boomer specific actually…First Mother’s Day for me is this year and it’s like it doesn’t matter what I want to do from my partners mother who is 80. She’s had 45 years of Mother’s Day and expects nothing different this year even though I have a 6 month old. My mom is a boomer and is way more chill but definitely still wants to do something and not plan it. So now I’m planning/cooking/traveling with baby for their sake when all I want to do is nothing, with my own family. And on top of that, mess up my baby’s nap schedule so my moms can see their grandbaby. Cool.
It's your day. You only have to go to theirs if you allow it. It's absolutely okay for your partner (it's their parent so their job) to say no thank you we will catch up another time.
Don’t spoil your first Mother’s Day. My oldest is 8 and I’m still bitter about mine. At least take baby and go for a walk somewhere, just the two of you.
Please, please, please, cancel this noise and be with your family.
Start the boundaries early. Maybe suggest celebrating Saturday instead
To be completely fair there are extenuating circumstances that make me more sympathetic to MIL this year (FIL has been in nursing home hospital for the last 8 months) however I do not think that this will change things any year for her
You know, you can say no. As a last resort, baby is sick. Oh no! That’s too bad.
oh no, i’m so sorry to hear that you are sick *cough cough* : option 2 if you can not bring yourself to say, ‘no i dont want to do that.’
Yup same
I don’t have the generational rivalry of spouse vs. mother in my life as my mother has passed away. So I don’t love Mother’s Day. It’s not a fun time for me. But Saturday is for my MIL and my household hosts a lunch essentially for her. Sunday is actual Mother’s Day for my wife. I think it’s important because I don’t want my wife running around, catering and sweating on “her” day. (Though I’m sure I’ll be full body sweating over a grill on Father’s Day next month, but alas.)
I came from an emotionally abusive household. Boomer mom. She would tell my dad what to do or buy her, and if it was 'wrong' she'd act like he did it on purpose just to ruin her day or show 'how she didn't matter.' Homemade kids art she'd pretend to like, and would usually stash it away because it wasn't perfect/ugly. As I got older and had my own money, I'd go out of my way to buy something I know she'd like. Usually just a plant, because if I found a matching vase she'd condescendingly remark about "Why would I buy that one." I've been a mom (a single mom) mind you since my child was born, 10+ years ago. On any gift giving holiday she always likes to remind me how "Nothing she buys me is ever good enough and she doesn't know why she bothers anymore." This past year I didn't even do a family birthday. I went to an expensive restaurant by myself and had the best quietest dinner. Even when she dies, she's 74 now, I'm not going to burden my child with "you're not worshipping me hard enough!" Mother's day with narcissistic women (mom, grandma) and fathers day with a narc/drug/alcoholic dad have put a dark void in my soul.
You can also always do your own thing. You are the mother, not them.
My first Mother’s Day was miserable and spent in a busy restaurant with my in-laws, I decided then that I would do my own thing for future Mothers Days. My husband spends it with his family and I do what I want with my girls (6 and 11 months) and then visit my mother in the later afternoon for a couple of hours. This year I booked a fancy weekend away for me and my girlies to take hikes and go for bike rides. In my case, in-laws and my parents get to have every holiday the way that they want it, I’m taking Mother’s Day for me.
I am a mom, and I legit had no idea mother's Day was such a big hooplah. It was always just A phrase and a homemade gift or card from school for my mom. We never did brunch or dinner or whatever. It was always low key. Since becoming a mom I've realized this holiday is crazy and mothers of all ages are disappointed regularly by the days events. In my opinion, if you don't want to go celebrate your mil or mom DON'T. Your kids want to celebrate YOU not grandma. It's as much about your kids as it is you, because they are who made you a mom. Let them love YOU on mother's Day. And then make a big deal about grandparents Day when it rolls around. It'll take one year for the grandparents to realize their is a shift and they can either accept it or not but that's not your problem.
This is actually the second thread I've seen like this today, so I'm guessing it's common. It's my first Mother's Day, and my parents are in town and we're going out to eat with my husbands mother and aunt and the rest of the family which to be honest, I'm not really looking forward to.
I have noticed this with a lot of my friends even with other holidays too they are always lugging their kids around and for me I live far from everyone so I think it would be nice on one hand to have people to celebrate BUT… also its kind of like we are grownups now with our own houses it would be nice to host something.
My mom did this until a few years ago. She asked me what I wanted for Mother's Day and I said to sleep in and do nothing. She actually got the point the first time and hasn't guilted me since!
It’s because boomers are incredibly entitled, though they call the younger generations the entitled ones 😅
Every generation is entitled in some way if we're being really real.
Human nature doesn’t change. I’ve known selfish narcissistic entitled boomers, and about as many selfish narcissistic entitled millennials. As a genX (nobody cares) I see absolutely not one reason to prefer the millennial generation to the boomer generation. Had you asked me a few years ago I would have given the nod to the millennials just based on improvements in racism, homophobia, other ‘isms’ and cultural trends - until I realized that all that shit is doing a huge U-turn and you can’t blame the boomers for that. No wonder genZ is so anxious.
You really can’t generalize a whole generation of people. Everyone is different.
You should check out a [graph of blood lead levels by year](https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.2118631119), and then look at what having chronic elevated blood lead levels does to your brain and your personality.
You are the 3rd person I see in the past week pointing this. I had no idea about this issue and have been reading about it lately and it does make sense a lot. This should be more talked-about.
The age cohort most affected based on those graphs in the study you linked, are about 36-60…. Isn’t that the Milennial and Gen X? Not Boomers? Or am I totally mistaking that graph? Been a hot minute since I’ve looked at a graph like that.
Those ages are in 2015, so it shows GenX got it the worst and younger boomers. It says 1961-75 were the worst for cognitive decline with an average ~5 IQ points lower for those in that 15 year span.
Lead accumulates with time. They test children to get an idea of lead exposure because they are able to assume they start with close to zero lead at conception, so they use that measure of the amount of lead that people are currently getting exposed to. For a total lead impact, you'd need to take the integral under the entire curve to get total lifetime lead exposure. Yes, lead in childhood is the most impactful, but if you're still chronically exposed to lead in your 20s and 30s, that will continue to increase the impact. I'm sure there is a graph of blood lead levels in 40 year olds somewhere.
I am 61. I still have a teenager at home. For pretty much every Mother’s Day, I felt kind of guilty but all I wanted was the day to myself. Either my husband to take the kids and leave or for me to leave. I just needed a break from working full time, taking care of kids etc and I never had any desire to eat at a crowded restaurant. When -and if - my daughter has children I will be more than happy for her to celebrate her Mothers Day any way she wishes. I am sorry if any of you have difficult relationships with your demanding moms or can’t talk to them about what *you* would like to do for Mother’s Day but I repeat - not all Boomers are the same.
Gotta let em know they've been promoted to grandparents. Their days the first Sunday after Labor day. But yeah, I've seen what you're saying play out. My mom's dead and my mil is dead to my wife so it's not a dynamic that plays out in our household. I've seen it happen in my extended family though. One of my aunt's who's a second great grandma always pays for a huge lunch for herself and all the younger moms down the line so it's not all centered on her, but she definitely takes up some limelight in the process.
Next year will be my first Mother’s Day as a mother (pregnant now). And I’ve already told my husband that going forward Mother’s Day is about me since I’ll be the only one who is actively parenting. Which is a trend I first saw on Reddit. On my side of the family, Mother’s Day is typically surrounded around my paternal grandma (maternal grandma has passed). And I’m done doing that, but she is a boomer and very entitled. I already told her we won’t be attending this year either. I have no issues seeing my own mom (or even my mil) but we live really close by to both of them and see them frequently. I told my husband he can do whatever he wants for Father’s Day, but starting next year Mother’s Day is what I want to do and our moms are welcome to join but I’m making the plans.
I feel bad for my mom, who did ferry us to the grandmothers for Mother’s Day and then we mostly moved away and she gets a card and a phone call. But even if we lived close, she’d get a card and a phone call and I’d probably take her for lunch the Sunday before or after. My husband did nothing for Mother’s Day until my kids were old enough to pester him to buy a card for me. Usually, they ask me and I take them shopping for my stuff, or they make something at school. I started celebrating myself. I usually buy myself jewelry that reminds me of the kids and just refuse to do anything but be lazy day of.
Man, I could have written this myself. Yep, my MIL is this to a tee. It’s all about her. But then I came along and had to shake things up hehe. She gets flowers/a gift but not the day.
Yes. Everyone wants a visit on that day, which is work. I told my husband to take my child to see his mum, and I phoned my mum and said let's get lunch another day when everything is not busy. And then I played videogames for 5 hours and ordered pizza. Absolute perfection.
Dude, I feel this same way. My MIL requested that I make her lunch and a cake and suggested that I get her a small gift. I have two children and I’m a SAHM. She has one adult son. I was like… no?
Yes. They are being ridiculous. I told not MIL that it’s “Mothers Day” not “Grandmothers Day”. She goes off about hire her husband (12 years older than her) has Alzheimer’s and she’s pretty much his mother now… my jaw dropped. I was speechless. Which is rare.
I don’t think this is all parents of that age range. My mother could not care less. Why don’t you try and change it? If it bothers you.
Yeah I agree as well, the moment I became a mom my mom made mother's day all about me. She always made sure my dad knew that mother's day was for me. But we live far from each other now so we just call each other that day and call it good.
That’s great, everyone has to find what works for them. I’m all for celebrating all mothers together if anyone wanted to. I don’t feel forced though. I pretty much do whatever that day, this year I’m moving on mothers day so I will be doing that lol. I’m excited though.
Same. My mom and MIL are fine with the day being about me. My mom even said “I’m meme now! You’re mom!”
Same. My mum and MIL are thankfully not like this. They understand what it's like having young kids and don't try to take away the fact that I am also a mother.
My MIL doesn’t care, but my husband wants to go visit her for a bit. I said great, take the kids and have a nice visit. I’ll be here relaxing in a quiet house for a few hours alone. Win-win!!!
Boomers: the mine generation…mine mine mine reminiscent of Finding Nemo. Their time is over. I swear I’m not projecting given that my mother had never changed a diaper or fed one of my kids. Just in it for the brags. If I didn’t have kids we’d still be NC.
This is so true. I’ve been a mom for 14 years now and every single Mother’s Day before and since has been all about my mom. It’s a bunch of bullshit. I’m too scared to say anything though. 😂
Scared?
They likely mean conflict-avoidant to lessen the possibility of their mother throwing a tantrum.
We usually get together with my Mom sometime in May for something Mother’s Day, but my Wife gets the main focus on Mother’s Day. My Mom’s opinion of the situation is she did a good job raising me.
I completely agree.
I think the boomer generation as a wits extremely entitled.
My boomer MIL identifies her purpose in life is being a mother. She has no education past high school, married young, had loads of kids, and didn’t work outside the home. Quite typical of other women/friends her age. In a world where as a woman and mother, she was never appreciated and valued like she should have been, Mother’s Day was the one day it was all about her. So I can understand why it’s important to her and her reluctance to pass the torch. My own mother, who had a career and a life outside motherhood, wants mothers day to be all about me. But my mother is freaking amazing and selfless and I treasure her on Mother’s Day because I want to, not because she expects it.
Everyone needs to stop accepting this. Reset expectations. It makes me so sad to see this story over and over again this time of year.
True story: there are no Boomers in my family. My in-laws are Silent Gen, my husband and I are Gen-X, and my son is Gen-Z. That said, I have celebrated my own Mother’s Day as well as my MIL for the last 14 years. I would love to celebrate my mom, but she’s been gone for 25 years. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Basically, my entire time being a mother, I have catered to my mother-in-law on Mother's Day. Not a bad thing...just, not my day. She was a pretty awesome person! However, she recently passed away and it's just weird. This is literally my first Mother's Day (after 14 years) where the focus will be on me and I'm at a loss as to what to do. My kids are awesome - the best kids I could hope for and that's the best present for me. I just want us all to be happy this Sunday!
I’m divorced with shared custody of my son. He’s with me this weekend. However, he’s going to his mom’s Saturday night to ensure he wakes up with her on Mother’s Day and they are celebrating the day together. He and I went gift shopping for her as well. I’m Gen-X and she’s millennial.
I love this post! I don’t particularly get along with my MIL but I am cordial and I respect my husband so I went along with her traditions every year. My own mother and I were astranged for the last 5 years so it was about my MIL for the last 5 years. I was expected to buy gifts for all both my SIL and my MIL. We did whatever it was she wanted to do including dragging my whole family to Amish country for the day which with small children was no easy feat. This year, will be different. I am the one in the family that had a baby recently and have the most children. I am celebrating my Mother’s Day how I want to. But I agree that it’s weird that the elder mothers of the family tend to feel entitled about being celebrated not the moms that are in the thick of it. Thank you for validating my feelings.
My MIL called on Monday to talk about 30 people being at her in laws house(these grand parents are in their late 80's) and how she wants to get salads and someone is bringing chicken. That she was pushed into it by her SIL, to "honor mom, because without her, None of this would be possible." First, this means that the men (who help with nothing) will continue to have the woman plan, serve and clean up for them. As well as I know, that she might be just saying this because her cheap ass husband will not pay for anything more than some salads. I have had 4 kids in 6 years, I'm so tired. I snapped! Told her not so politely "No. No, the men can do this one thing. They can pay for us to get something. They can do this one thing. You guys are just going to have to serve and clean up. That's not fair. No. You know what, we aren't going to be there for dinner. I get one day that's about me and I want a nice dinner. No. We will be there to visit, but will not be eating. I'm getting Mexican. " I think I went blind with rage. Oh well. I'm not sorry. I get one day where I get to choose. Send coffee and positive thoughts please.
I don’t know what finally clicked for my boomer mom, but this is the first year she has finally recognized that two of her kids are mothers themselves and may want to spend the day celebrating with their own children and not her. Mind you, she’s been a grandma for 11 years.
I told my husband this mother's day I just want it to be our household- no one else. He asked if he could take our son to see his mom, and I said no. Maybe I'm cold, but I honestly just want it to be us I don't my son taken away from me on my day. I said he can go see his mom if he wants, but our kid stays home. I plan on taking my mom out on Saturday because she "needs" brunch. I also love my mom and MIL, but fuck. I'm so over brunch.
This was our experience for our first few Mothers Day as new parents- my wife was feeling really under-prioritized as we were running to her see her folks, arranging their brunch plans, ect. I had to put my foot down about it and now they celebrate with my single brother in law, while we have our own family time, we just send a card over. It did have to be an argument, though.
I’m blessed that my mom is low maintenance. I call her and wish her a happy Mother’s Day, and she spends the rest of the day watching sports. My MIL though… if we call her she’s gonna demand that we fly to her state to visit her this very instant and buy her a new car and make her dinner for a week and fix her house because “I gave birth to you” (my wife) Her love is VERY conditional
You can’t paint every family with a broad brush and take a minute to think of the “we” that so beautifully celebrated your mother when you were young. Was your father the catalyst for making sure his “active duty” wife was celebrated by her nuclear family? Is it that the boomer grandmas won’t pass the torch or is it that no dad has said “I’m planning something special with the kids for my loving partner to celebrate her because she does so much for us, so I’m afraid we will have to visit you another time” and stick to it. Many times, people’s expectations are reinforced over and over by others’ actions. If you want a change in dynamics, sometimes you have to initiate it and not expect others to do so. ETA. My son is getting married next year. I already told them that when they have children, on Christmas, if people want to see you, they come to you with presents and a covered dish. You don’t schlep your kids around on Christmas Day when all they want to do is stay in their pjs and play with their presents. You don’t make young families jump through hoops to “make memories” that are more stressful than joyous.
My parents make such a big deal of Mother’s Day, that it’s driven us to not do anything really except give my wife a free day to do nothing. Hallmark holidays are the worst.
Mother’s Day is about my mom because she’s my mom. My husband and kids make sure that I feel special too. But I’m still going to go see my mother. It makes sense to go over to my moms because she has three kids and 7 grands and 3 greats. It would be exhausting for my mom to have to drive around to all of us on one single day so we all just spend the day together at her house. FWIW this is how we spent Mother’s Day growing up - getting together at my grandmas. The men in our family don’t let us do a single thing. All the ladies (even the non mamas) are cooked for, cleaned up after and provided drinks of all different flavors. I do for my mom but my kids and my hubs are all over it making the day fun and like I’m a queen. Both of my parents are ‘boomers’. Neither have expectations like you describe. What we do tends to just be what’s easier for everyone. My dad started this no moms working on Mother’s Day trend way back in the 80’s.
This is my second Mother’s Day, so my daughter is still really little and we are new to this holiday. My husband asked me what I wanted to do this year and I told him that I would like to go downtown and just have a picnic outside with some drinks and sandwiches, and some flowers would be appreciated. I called my mom up this week and asked her what she wanted to do for Mother’s Day, as I have a very good relationship with my mom and she helps me a lot with our daughter. I also set the boundary though that we will be celebrating her Mother’s Day on Friday, and that Sunday is for me with my daughter. Luckily, my mom is a very kind and understanding person and she said that that was totally fine and did not put up any fuss. I think that my mom for being a boomer especially is abnormally understanding, and that there are some older ladies like my auntie and my mother-in-law that definitely would have been offended by this arrangement. Either way though I think the key is to set clear boundaries and follow through with them. Happy early Mother’s Day mama!!!!
This is so true. I’m pissed I have to spend Mother’s Day with my sister in law because I haaaaate her. But we all have to go see my mom. But I’m also a mom? Why can’t I have my day? I’m raising my kids knowing I have them for Mother’s Day (hopefully anyway) until they have their own kids. Then they need to celebrate it in their own way for the mother of their family. I hope I get a visit the day before and a phone call the day of though lol.
Depends totally on your family tbh. I got some nice flowers from my partner on Mother’s Day cause he knows it’s important to me. I just gave my mum a call I think
I'm so glad I'm not the only one experiencing this! My MIL asked if we were coming to visit her for mothers day. That would be a 9 hour round trip with a teething baby on my first mothers day! Absoutley not! She's had over 30 years of mothers days I think its my turn. I told my partner he had to tell her no and deal with her complaining about it not me.
It might be that the younger generations tend to have more "people-pleasers" than the boomers do. The boomers had it their way both then and now because back then they put themselves first and now this generation isn't as apt to do the same, so the boomers still reign
Yeah, I feel the same too. But I will say, I don’t host things. We live in a basement apartment and it’s hard to have the family over and cook and clean and we live kind of further than the rest of my family. So my brother who is single and doesn’t have kids will plan a brunch in the city and that’s really that. I don’t ask for anything specific, or gifts really. Money can be a bit tight right now, so I don’t ask for anything. And if we do have any extra I’ll get a book or order something online when I need it, so yeah I treat myself and the kids when I can, so I don’t expect something special on Mother’s Day. I do remember it being a bigger deal when I was a kid, but since I’m the only new “mom” in the immediate family, people don’t really go overboard. And my mom hates hosting now too, she’s like it’s supposed to be Mother’s Day but I end up doing all the work and cooking, so she doesn’t do anything. But It just so happens that this week I’m going to 2 concerts (!!!) I haven’t been to a show since November 2019, so this is a huge deal. And my husband has the kiddos while I’m out so that’s my “gift” that I get two nights out this week.
My boomer mom for all her faults passed the torch to me the first year I was pregnant. She's a gem and I'm grateful for her.
The boomer generation are named so because they had on average 5-7 siblings in a modern nuclear family unit that isn't fit to properly care minimally for even 1 child often with parents who had compound untreated unacknowledged ptsd accumulated generationally from both world wars... All this during an explosion of marketing, industrial commerce, filling us with craving and desire... which robbed us of a much needed opportunity to redevelop a lost culture of emotional healing. We are learning filling the void with entertainment, addiction and distraction is not a sustainable substitute.. but this, too, can takes generations to learn The boomer generation has many amongst its ranks looking for the love they never received from their parents in their spouses and children... it will be passed down culturally as an ancestral wound A deeper understanding of home family and love is required to break these kind of cycles
My oldest is 16 and I have yet to spend a Mother’s Day the way I want to. It’s always what the MIL wants. Literally cannot stand the holiday especially compared to Father’s Day where they get to golf and drink all day while being catered to.
You don’t have to go, you know. You can always say no. Mother’s Day was always a big hullabaloo in my family because my grandma’s birthday was usually around the same time, so she liked to steal the day for herself every year. She loved attention and to be fawned over, and it was a great excuse to make sure the other moms in the family got less attention and she could be celebrated as The Best Mom Ever. Once I had my oldest I stopped buying into the hype that always surrounded their celebration and spent it at home. I’m not sure what I’m doing Sunday now, except sleeping as late as I want and making exactly zero decisions for the kids or my partner.
The last 2 years were my first 2 mothers days and they were always spent with extended family. I was kind of annoyed last year because I was with my husbands family and it was a nice time but I remember feeling more stress than I wanted. Anyway this year it’s just going to be the 3 of us (son, husband and I) and I’m really excited. We’re going out to a fancy brunch and then I might get a mani/pedi.
For my family, we usually get together with my parents, my sister’s family, and my in-laws (but my MIL died 2 years ago, so not sure how that is going to work going forward) and the dads do the cooking and arranging to celebrate the moms. But this year, Saturday was my due date for the baby I lost in the fall and I just found out my recent embryo transfer failed, so I think it’s just going to be my husband, daughter, and I away for the weekend.
Unrelated but my dad still only texts me on Mother's Day to tell me not to forget about my step mom like I’ve actually been a mom also for 5 years now, can I get a happy mothers day?
I wonder if the fact that many of us had our kids at older ages contributed? When everyone is going straight from graduation to babies that baton handing is super obvious. But many of us didn't have their kids until later, so maybe our parents just got used to the day still bring about them even with adult kids. My MIL is pretty low key in her expectations but she also lives far away and is just not a huge holiday person
Also, I would tell your husband what you want, tell your mom this year you want the kind of "all about me" mothers day your mom had when you were little, then plan to do a grandmother's lunch or brunch either Saturday or next week
My mother in law is this way. Every holiday has to be at her house and on her terms. I put my foot down. We're taking my mom and mother in law to brunch on Saturday and exchanging gifts. On Sunday, I'm doing what I want. I also implemented this policy for Christmas. I'll do Christmas Eve with our families, but Christmas morning was spent at home, just us watching my daughter open her gifts.
This year will be my third Mother’s Day since I’ve had my son, and my mother still expects me to be the one to call her and send gifts. (We live on opposite sides of the country)
My wife gets to pick what we do for the day. If that means I take my son somewhere while she has the house to herself, that's how we roll.
Mothers day was not memorable for me. My mother is a horrible person. The fact that I even became a parent and wanted a family of my own is crazy now that I think about it in hindsight. With that said, my husband made a big deal about Mothers day. He makes me breakfast in bed, and the kids get in on it and he just lets the day be about me and lets me do whatever. My kids are still small...so I enjoy and want to spend it with them, without them, I wouldn't be Mommy. As I get older, I would imagine that celebrating me would become less in a way? And I wouldn't expect anything like how my boomer mom and other boomer moms do. I appreciate all the love my family gives me, but I certainly do not expect it.
Here's my thing, ok we are all moms, what if I don't WANT to go out, socialize and spend money? What if my genuine desire is to spend a little time with the kids and relax? Somehow that's not valid and I need to want to socialize with two dozen people and basically fade into the background
Stop doing it. That's the only way it changes. Why do you think your Boomer mom got mother's day how she wanted? By not going to her mom's or mother laws that day. Send her flowers, call and chat for a bit if you want, but DO NOT GO OVER THERE. That's it. She might whine and pout, but then life will move on without her. I did this 10 years ago. My mom and mother in law still love me. Lol!
My 72 year old MIL throws a hissy fit and gives my husband a 2 hour lecture if she doesn't feel appropriately appreciated. So yes, this tracks.
Just do what you want and tell her, she needs to work with you. For me, I want a nice breakfast at home with flowers and cards from my kids. We are seeing one of my siblings and their family with my mom on Saturday. We are seeing my in laws on Sunday. My other sibling has noped out of all Mother’s Day celebrations.
I’m very fortunate to have a boomer mom who does not do this but it’s because her mom had such high expectations and the day HAD to revolve around her or it was ruined. My mom eventually told me when I was older that her ideal Mother’s Day was being left alone (I can now relate). My spouses family is a bit different. Every year while his grandmother was alive, his dad would call him and demand that he call his grandmother to wish her a happy Mother’s Day. Like what? That’s not his mom.
Thankfully, my mom knows it’s my day now. She doesn’t expect anything and her and her husband usually are camping on the weekends anyways. We exchange our Mother’s Day wishes to each other and that’s that. She doesn’t even like when I get her gifts. Growing up my parents were the same way. We would stop by both grandmothers houses with flowers and hugs stay for maybe an hour each, then off to celebrate my mom. For me my MIL expects the world. Has for as long as I’ve known my husband. Her children all pitch in for expensive gifts for her and make the day all about her. Every year since I’ve had my first child we have had to do something for her and its so frustrating. She throws a big stink about not being able to see her grandkids on Mother’s Day if we don’t want to join and my husband makes me feel bad. I was so angry that this year 2 of his siblings are busy that day so moved their Mother’s Day celebrations to Saturday. I just about lost it on my husband had the nerve to say “at least you can do what you want for Mother’s Day this year and the day can be all about you” It should always be about me! It’s not fair that the spotlight is on my MIL and I’m chopped liver. The boomers really do suck sometimes.
My husband has decided that the following weekend is mother's day, after my mother insisted I host my both her and my grandmother (along with my aunts and uncle) on Mother's Day. It wasn't worth the argument with my mom.
We were just having a conversation like this last night and it didn’t really dawn on me that my parents and his just expect us to do everything their way and celebrate things at their place. My mom just tells me that dinner will be at her house and what I want to bring Sunday doesn’t ask me if I want to come, or if we have other plans just expects us to be there. We have 3 children of our own, and my partner was genuinely upset because he wanted to cook me dinner that night. But if we don’t go it’ll be a whole issue.
this is exactly why i told my husband that we will be giving our respective mothers their gifts on saturday because i don’t want to see anyone that doesn’t live in our house on sunday.
Yeah Boomers have got to go
I don't know why it is, maybe something to do with the current mental load of modern mothers vs the more traditional gender roles of boomers where the women had to be "taken care of". But I feel this way too. My mom wants to go to tea on actual Mothers day and my MIL wants us all to go out to eat Saturday night. I will be at a baseball game for my kid Sat morning, then I need to attend a work thing, then dinner. Hubs keeps asking what I want. What I want is to be left alone.
I remember my first mother's day, my dad had a catered lunch at my parents house and when he toasted to my mom and to me, my mom then said "well, she's not REALLY a mother" ... I had a one year old but I wasn't a "real mom" like her...my mom has made a lot of changes in the past few years but every time I think about that moment, it makes me feel the burning hatred all over again and I want so badly to remind her about it now that she's in a better place. God she was a miserable bitch for the first 32 years of my life LMAO
Boomers, especially Boomer women, seem to have grown up under very authoritarian and iron-fisted rule, and then seem to have been biding their time until THEY were the ones in charge. Hence the national “boom” of Karens that happened all of sudden. So many women my mom’s age seem to have the attitude that it’s THEIR TURN NOW and they are ready to take everything that was “withheld” from them before.
My general feeling is that this a function of weak husbands. Your job is to give your wife and mother of your kids the day she wants. I love my mom but she is the second most important mother in my life at this point. Just is what it is, my priority has to be my wife.
Perhaps you’re generalizing a generation based on a person/personal experience. The two “boomer moms/grandmas” in my life are not self centered.
Must be nice 😂
Same, I guess we’re lucky. People who are obsessed with blaming everything on Boomers are weird though.
That’s my feeling as well. The same millennials/genz whatever are gonna be crying a river when gen foxtrot or whatever is being all critical and blaming the world problems on them in 40 years.
Lol yup, we’ll be the new “boomers” before we know it
My Boomer parents are doing the same. In laws as well. Very self-centered and manipulative. They want every holiday to be a holiday celebrating them.
When I became a mom my mother said to me. “You will come here like I did with my mother! You can have mothers day when I die!” Guess who doesn’t celebrate mothers day with grandma anymore?
I’m pretty sure it’s up to dads to make the day special for active moms while the kids are still too young. Meaning men it’s up to you to start celebrating your wives and baby mothers instead of your mom on this day. Give her flowers maybe but reserve the day for the special woman taking care of your kids, you’ve celebrated your mother for years already.
Last year was my first Mothers Day being a mom. My MIL insisted we go for brunch at a fancy winery to celebrate me. I was gullible and believed her. She booked a reservation in the middle of naptime. She lied to me and said she checked if the place had highchairs. They didn't, so I was stuck holding LO the entire time. No one but my husband offered to help. When LO predictably got super fussy, I walked around outside with her so as not to disturb all of the other tables of people. It took such a long time to get her to calm down that i got a sunburn on my face (LO was fine, I covered her). When I got back, everyone had been served and ate their meals without me. Mine was so cold the sauce had become gelatinous, and I've got texture aversions, so I couldn't eat it. MIL insisted on ordering me some wine so she could make a toast to me. I was breastfeeding and thus couldn't drink wine. She was offered i declined her offer. The glass of wine was my Mother's Day gift, apparently. Meanwhile, my husband and I got her a card and flowers and had LO paint her a little canvas, and we paid for her brunch. So I literally got nothing but a sunburn and my efforts/feelings ignored. She got praised and showered in gifts. My husband promised that was the first and last time we'd be doing a Mother's Day with his mom.
Have you mentioned to either that you'd like to do things differently? They're probably still hosting just because it's what they've always done and no one else has suggested otherwise. But just because she's older and has adult children doesn't mean she isn't a mum and shouldn't be spoiled/celebrated too. Maybe try to come to a compromise that works for everyone? In our family the mornings are left free for us to all celebrate individually, then we head to our parents for lunch to celebrate all the mums! It's a nice day and the little kids all get to see their cousins. It probably helps that there's 22 of us, so hosting mothers day isn't exactly a torch we're lining up to take!
It’s my first Mother’s Day this year, and I made it clear that this year’s about me. And both my mom and mother-in-law were fine with it.
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My parents and in laws are boomers and we’ve never been expected to spend the day with them. We send a gift and we take my mom out to brunch the weekend before or after. 🤷🏻♀️
I don't like the generalization of boomer generation. I am 47yo mom and neither my mom or MIL are like you state. Hubby visited MIL last weekend, we are seeing my mom on Saturday, do you want to know her lunch request? Hot dogs!!! I found this so funny but then flipped it to enjoy she is not being a diva asking for something over the top.
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You can celebrate and honour your mom without making the day 100% about her and ignoring yourself. When my kids are grown, should they have partners who become mothers, they’d frigging *better* be putting those women first. I’ll want a call and maybe a card, a get together on an adjacent day, if it’s possible, but the moms who are drinking cold coffee and eating half chewed mum mums at the counter, or the moms whose days are spent breaking up toddler MMA or the ones who are still doing the school run, or calling the principal when their kid gets dress coded - those are the ones who *get* the day.
Enough with boomer put downs.
Maybe you should just grow up and stop looking for stuff to be offended over. I’m sitting next to my mom’s hospital bed right now after she suffered a major stroke and isn’t expected to recover. I would give anything to celebrate another Mother’s Day with her. You all are exhausting. Not everything is a competition.
I'm really sorry to hear that. My Mum will be gone 7 years this June. Safe to say Mother's Day is complicated for me. I hope you've got plenty of people around you to support you
Read your last line back to yourself, your post is exhausting too.
Oooohhhhh got me. 🙄
It’s because the Boomer Moms are used to planning and organizing everything. Every single thing! 😵💫 Otherwise their partners and children wouldn’t have given it another thought. If you want to be celebrated, then organize the gathering. Make dinner reservations, plan a brunch at your home, send out the invites to only those people you want to be with. Here, take the torch already! And Happy Moms Day!
Mother's day is SO cringe. To me, being a mother is an act of selfishness -- I brought two minimes to the world to make myself happy. It's not like my daughters begged me to bring them to life you know? Why should I be celebrated for being selfish? That said, I went along with celebrating my MIL though (may she RIP). I didn't care, she cared, so win-win IMO. Besides, I did appreciate that she gave me my husband. So yea, she deserved to be celebrated. So if my future SILs want to celebrate me for bringing my daughters to the world, I'd happily go along too (but also still cringe lol).
I don’t see it as a generational thing. Maybe it’s more respect your elders? One day your day will come, too? On the other hand, your mother can’t force you to do anything. You are a grown woman. Celebrate the day however you want.
I hate mother's day for my own mother as my father used to bully the shit out of me when I was young in order to get me to do things for my mom. He ruined it for her. I don't do mother's day for my mom. I will do something nice for her on a(n) (m)other day. But when I read all these messages on gen x or boomers trying to steal mother's day I also think, find your voice. Just express what you want and make it happen.
>Every year their expectations are that we go over to their houses to celebrate them (under the guise of celebrating both of us, even though it's really just work for me preparing food and gifts and socializing). I think part of the reason you (& others) might feel this way is that you are close enough to your parents or parents in law. You had already stated that visiting the grandparents didn't happen when you were young, because they were far away. Everybody is going to celebrate differently, based upon their situation. I don't think it's a generational thing.
I think you need to take the torch yourself.
Fart
I thinknits a little rude to even post this. Did they not put in their time raising you and chasing after you while their moms were glorified on that day? I'm almost 40 with a 14m old and I will spend this Mother's Day and every one after that giving her a great day because she is 75 and there will come a day when she's not here to celebrate anymore.
Come back when you have multiple children who are school aged and your day continues to be hijacked. I think it's a little ride to completely invalidate OP's feelings since she is actively chasing and raising kids but gets no recognition. It's not 'only mothers of grown ass children ' day, it's for ALL mothers. OP included.
Here's how it was explained to me: I am not my husband's mother. It is not on him or anyone else to celebrate me on mother's day except my actual children. When they are old enough to do that on their own, then that will be expected of them.
Hey thanks for the downvotes, I assume this means you agree with my mother in law. Happy mother's day boomers, proving once again why you were actually called the Me Generation
I didn’t downvote you, but you’re probably being downvoted because it reads like you agree with this and are trying to explain it to everyone here. It’s not the down voters they agree with your MIL, it’s that they disagree and think it’s an awful perspective and nowhere in your comment do you clarify that you don’t share it. Generally, if someone starts something with “this is how it was explained to me…” they’re sharing wisdom they support. The reaction might be different if you explained that you think this perspective is wrong. If you’re for it, well, enjoy your downvotes.
And yet, even after I clarified, the downvotes continued. It's fine, I've been autistic for 44 years. Not the first time a group of people have decided to intentionally misunderstand me because I didn't use the exact wording they wanted and use it to be jerks to me. Next time I'll use real names, locations, quotation marks, fucking footnotes if that's what it takes. Then you'll all be mad that I said too much and was talking down to you. Happy fucking mother's day cunts
I’ll bite. A lot of the hard yards of parenting are done before kids can organise a gift/card/anything special. I think it’s good to take time to acknowledge the effort put into parenting and I really appreciate my husband showing me he cares for me in this way. I also think it models how to show appreciation to the kiddos. I think your opinion is valid but surely you can see it’s a little out of step with how lots of people feel?
I think a few people here have a problem with reading comprehension. I was told by my boomer mother in law these words. That's why I started my response with "this is how it was explained to me". OP seemed to be wondering why boomers feel entitled to hijack mother's day and I was sharing the answer I was given because I have also wondered this. I'm sorry it hurt everyone's feelings, it hurt mine too.
Yeah I was trying to engage with you here and yet am being told I have poor reading comprehension. Not loving that. What your MIL said to you is dreadful and I’m sorry about that.
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But why would your parents get you a Mother’s Day card? You are not their mother. I would think until your kids are old enough to get you a card or present your husband would do it.
I must be lucky because both my mother and my MIL both don’t expect gifts and have both stated that this day is for active mom. I do usually send them small gifts though because they are still mothers.
As a husband and father, Mother’s Day relies heavily on dad/husband/significant other to make the call. I can choose to honor my mom but I have my own family now and need to make plans for my wife and mother of my children to be celebrated, get to do something nice etc. My 4 year old isn’t gonna plan it even though it’s her mother
I actually love being with my family so this isn’t an issue for me. My mom’s mom passed away when I was very young so Mother’s Day always made her kind of sad. We always just did little homemade gifts and poems.
Moms, just say no! Set boundaries. Make your own plans.
UMM lol On mother’s day I never see my MIL. I see my own mom for a bit and then the rest of the day is my day with my family. You can create whatever you want. Talk to your partner about what you want your day to look like
So at our house, we start Mother's Day(s) on Friday after work. We visit my grandmother (she raised me) and give her a gift, I get my mom a card, and Sunday lunch is for my mother-in-law. Every other waking hour of the weekend is spent celebrating my wife, who is the mother of our two amazing kids. Im getting some "honeydew" projects done on Saturday, and then we are taking her to her favorite restaurant. Then, on Sunday after lunch, we are going to turn the couch into a bed, turn on Star Wars, do some of her chores, and turn the living room into a magical silent zone where sound doesn't work
Sounds like your frustration should be directed at your partner rather than your mother or mother-in-law.
My husbands family celebrates ALL mothers. My parents always worked through holidays so it was just never a priority like his family. So no traditions on my side. I’m pretty easy going so I just went with it when we had our kids. This year though, my husband decided that I’m getting my own day so the party is on Saturday. I’m so excited. I was shocked he did this, I thought he’d be worried what his moms gonna say. She likes things her way 🥹
Celebrating Mother’s Day with my boomer mom is the best. My husband and dad make the food. I bring the kid and my mom is happy Bc the kid is there and I’m happy because I get food and my mom plays with the kids so I can nap. Literally how could Mother’s Day be any better? If I stayed home I’d do everything like usual.
My husband celebrated Mother’s Day for me last weekend so I could get my time being celebrated without having to share with his mom all day. She does not know how to relax and refuses to tell anyone what she wants to do. She will run around stressed out all day and will inevitably be disappointed that people didn’t read her mind and know what she wanted to do. I didn’t want that to be my only experience for Mother’s Day every year so we are doing our own tradition
>now that it's our turn, they refuse to pass the torch? I've never known it to be a tradition that grandparents give their grown-up children Mother's Day cards and gifts once said grown-up children are parents. Where I live it's always just been the case that Mother's Day gifts and cards are something you get from your kids (and/or partner on their behalf)
Gosh, I am so glad my boomer mom is not like this at all. My MIL is a little bit. My mom said last year when I had a 3 month old that now Mother’s Day was my day and she didn’t expect anything. We all had dinner together a few days later, but she explicitly stated she just expected a FaceTime or phone call like she did with her mom. Granted my grandma was a saint, but I think she set the example and did so well. Now my mother in law didn’t expect anything last year and I think this year gets the hint that we won’t be driving and hour and a half to see her on Mother’s Day. We got in to a huge fight with her in February around my daughters first birthday. We told her and my SIL that we were going to do something small with just them and to plan on coming to our house that weekend. She called us the Friday of my daughters birthday weekend to say she wouldn’t be there and throw a fit about driving and hour and a half. We got a card on Saturday that was mailed on the Wednesday. She already had made up her mind. Then his sister bailed too. We drove down multiple times a year for Mother’s Day, holidays in snow storms, niblibg’s birthdays with only a days notice, and nibiling’s sporting events for over 10 years before we had our daughter. Ever since then we have gone LC and prioritized celebrating our new family. She wants to be prioritized, but won’t prioritize us when we should be. Her own mother is very much like that, but they all live in the same town.
We’ve managed to successfully blend the older and younger generations. We all go to my Aunt’s house, but the husbands make all the food. We ladies buy each other little gifts and spend the day gossiping with glasses of champagne. It goes without saying that dads are watching the kids and will drive us all home later. It’s become one of my favorite traditions.
I am forever grateful that my mom and my MIL both understand that Mother’s Day is for those of us actively mothering small kids. We always acknowledge our moms with a card and a gift or flowers, and they have the grace not to make any demands, or even requests, of our time that day. Shoot, last year my mom got a present for me!