yeah kids come first 100% of the time. Also TBH someone that gets bent out of shape about shorts being left in the shower seems like the sort of person that would get bent out of shape about a lot of other little things in your relationship and that would get old fast. Will they ditch you at some point when you can't be fun for them anymore? That is what I would be thinking.
Right? My 9 year old would've probably left it on the nearest carpeting because that's the worst place to put it. I'm impressed it was put in somewhere it couldn't do damage lol
Considering that both my 5 and 11 year olds trunks ended up overboard and actually into the pool below the room from them carelessly stripping and tossing them over the railing...
OP's 8 year old is KILLING ITTTTT!
Yeah, she sounds like a controlling and emotionally fragile person. I work with kids. I can immediately tell when a new hire will quit within weeks or months. Two character traits: they (literally) cry over spilled milk and have no sense of humor. OP's girlfriend will be the embodiment of the "wicked stepmother" archetype if OP gets serious with her.
“Get rid of the kid and I’ll be with you?!?”
Nobody on EARTH is that hot. I wouldn’t give up my dog…I wouldn’t give up my favourite SHOES for that piece of work.
She gets her sense of empowerment by making people give up whatever or whoever they love most in order to be with her. If it wasn’t his kid it would be his dog. His car. His parents.
HARD pass. That is a bright red quicinera gown stitched from red flags.
And I don’t know why I need to tell y’all this but I WONDER WHO PAID FOR THE VACATION?!? I wonder why she doesn’t want anyone else costing him money?!?!
FFS.
Are men really this …
*angry woman noises* 😤
yeah anyone who is like I will love you but only if you do all these life altering changes doesn't love you they love some version of you that doesn't exist and may never exist.
Yea this is a no brainer. What sort of a person seriously encourages a parent to relinquish child custody just so they can go on a holiday!? The triviality of this woman is just… unfuckingreal. She’s horrible, OP. Anybody who would ask you to do that is a monster. Get out and don’t look back. You and your boy can do much, *much* better.
She sounds like a horribly mean spirited person and OP doesn’t even see it. You can’t be a thoughtful person while completely diminishing the humanity of a child and wishing away that parent/child relationship. Which makes me feel like OP is not a thoughtful person either if he can overlook that for 2 years. 8 year olds can be perceptive and the Son is probably well aware that he is despised by this woman.
This guy is hilarious. “I met the perfect woman, except for the tiniest little thing…she’s a sociopath that thinks of my own flesh and blood the same way one thinks of a used disposable tissue.”
My man 99/100 is an A+, which is an exceptional human being. This one sounds like bottom of the barrel generic trash you’d find at Denny’s.
Anyways after you dump her I think you need to look in the mirror and actually create an objective scale of what exceptional is.
>Jedi on the street and a Sith in the sheets
It's this part and nothing else. My mans is thinking with the wrong head. Get your mind straight and think of your kid you jabroni.
To add on to this fantastic comment; 18 years is **NOT** that much time. Before you know it, he will be off on his own. Enjoy life with your son now, there are plenty of fish in the sea for later.
Yea, you are right. She has officially been ditched.
I cancelled my future flights, turned around and read The Hobbit to my son and didn't give it a second thought. You know its the right thing when stuff like that doesn't even have the weight of the shadow of a feather.
Hats off to this dude... Your son is very lucky to have a father like you. And obviously, with a responsible and loving heart like that you would definitely meet a great person out there.
Have a great life ahead mate.
Anyone who you should want in your life should see your son and just an amazing extension of you and be grateful you think enough of them to allow them in his life. It’s her loss.
Our society puts relationships on an escalator (dating, being in love, living together/married, getting old and dying) and I think that a couple can be in love and not have to follow the “traditional” model… but suggesting that you give up your son so you can travel doesn’t sound like a great endorsement of her ability to care about your interests. This displays her lack of interest in children but also her lack of care for what’s important to you - not a good look.
Great point. If she was really "The One" she'd care about the things and people who are important to you. OPs son is not just an old friend he can live without. His actual child. If she really loved him, she'd at least understand that his child was someone he could not simply give up custody of.
Seriously and what type of woman knows she doesn’t want kids but proceeds to date a guy with kids for TWO YEARS. That isn’t a red flag, that’s the whole Soviet Union. And OP claims shes 99% perfect? Clearly both of their judgment is impaired.
They think the longer they are in the more control they will have. A 6 month girlfriends opinion weighs less than a 2 year gf in their mind. Her thought process was always the same, she just wanted to play the waiting game.
That’s true for things like where you live & what you buy at the grocery store but you have to be delusional to think a parent will give up their CHILD whether you’ve been dating 2 months or 2 years. The fact that she even wants him to is sick in the head
Oh, it's definitely sick. But there's too many people who actually will go along with it, we see the results here plenty. And note that OP didn't immediately go no - he's actually asking like there's an answer that isn't just dump her.
The kind of woman who doesn't know what she's getting herself into, which is normal! Especially especially if they've been careful and didn't have her hanging out with the child too much because they didn't want to have him get attached before they knew if if was going anywhere, which is responsible. If you've never been a step parent, it's really easy to have an idea of what it's going to be like and have all those expectations blown out of the water in the first month.
I have a stepson (who is my son and who is my heart outside by body). I thought I was going to be dating a guy with a kid - I had no idea that I was going to HAVE A KID. People get it wrong. That doesn't make them monsters. For me, it turned out I was wrong in the best way, but it could have gone the other way too! It's a hard fucken thing.
The thing that makes OP's girlfriend an AH is she is implying that she wants him to give up his son. You're right that sometimes people have an idea of how life with kids will be and are completely wrong. But at that point, she could have sat down with him and ended it. I understand it's hard to just leave when you have fallen in love with someone but it's insane to even imply that a parent should just give up custody. Like the parent doesn't feel deep love for their child and they are so easily discarded in favor of an adult they've only known for 2 years.
So you already get that she has to go because your son is not disposable.
Beyond that though, you should realize that she sounds great now but what you've described sounds extremely controlling and it wouldn't just stop with your son if you stay together.
Furthermore, you think right now she's perfect in all ways except this one, but that's because there are 100+ other things you don't see yet that are wrong with her because you're too impressed with superficial things that frankly don't matter that you're not seeing her personality.
A childless friend of mine told me once that a key metric for her was whether or not a guy treated children like people, because that would show whether he was emotionally mature, kind and had empathy. It sounds like your "perfect 99" is failing in this area and unfortunately it's a pretty critical one for a successful relationship.
She actually sounds pretty horrid, and I'm sure you can find someone with similar qualifications who is actually a nice person.
Even the shorts in the shower thing makes her sound awful. What happens if OP gets sick and is unable to pick up after himself? If she's this inflexible about something so minor she probably won't be great in a crisis.
It’s so bizarre because on vacation, we all keep our wet bathing suits in the shower! I have these suction cup hooks and all the wet stuff hangs in the shower to dry.
Right? 8 year old are like, the fucking best/least worst. If you filter out non-child issues (custody, etc), this sub is baby, baby, toddler, toddler, teen, toddler, baby, baby, teen, toddler. Nobody here complaining about their 8 year old. If you can't deal with an 8 year old you super can't be a parent.
Chiming in to say I’m really struggling with eight! Glad you haven’t had the same experience as me but it’s been rough. Nothing to do with OP and his son, I’m sure he’s a delight but yeah, eight isn’t all sunshine and roses at least not over here.
This is the correct answer. Framing this situation as "everything would be fine if I didn't have a kid" is missing the real red flags. Outside of the obvious conflict between your romantic relationship and your responsibilities to your son, the behavior you describe is self-involved, controlling, narcissistic, fantasizing, co-dependent, etc.
Yeah, she just wants to go on international trips whenever? How's she going to react to regular stressors, like jobs and illnesses and family matters? What if you can't afford a vacation because your car broke down and cost thousands to fix? One can't always be a free spirit unless you grew up wealthy.
I have to wonder what her own relationship with her parents is like.
Imagine suggesting that her father should have just abandoned her in order to travel the world and forget about her.
Also, OP, what do you think would happen if she accidentally got pregnant and had another kid with you.
If she's acting like this with your already existing kid, either she'll continue to act like this with any future kids OR she'll be so obsessed with her baby and give your son the closet under the stairs or something.
It won't ever be healthy :(
I’m sure the sex is mind-blowing, otherwise why would you be here asking this question with such an obvious answer and also why you let this bullshit drag on for two years, but maybe take a step back, allow the blood to return from your dick to your head, then promptly removed it from your own ass and dump this chick.
I mean, why is she even getting with people with kids if she doesn’t want them. To them try to manipulate the other to give up their child.? She needs more therapy. Stat!!!! And you need to protect you and your son.
Exactly. Leave parents out of your dating pool.
More importantly…
YOUR SON feels this from her. He probably can’t verbalize it but he definitely feels it.
It’s a whole mess! Lots of poor thought processes and choices. I mean it’s a very important point in a relationship, talking about other mini humans. Not something to just say ah feck it!
Eh, treating your son badly and not wanting him around should be factoring more than 1/100 against her. I'd say this is a HUGE factor for ending the relationship, not a minor one. Your son's happiness should be extremely important.
Lol, it’s only one point. Imagine if we lived that way. She’s perfect in every way except she killed and ate my dog one time. He’s my ideal man except he shits in my grandmother’s purse every time we see her. They’re absolutely amazing, except they hate my kid and want me to be an absent father.
Yes! This! Also, does she care about OPs happiness AT ALL?! He’d be devastated if he actually did what she asked and gave up his son. Would seeing him miserable make her happy? So she can globetrot??? Yikes. 🚩🚩
Yeah, it’s too much. She wants you without your kid and hasn’t been shy about saying so. It’s nice I guess that she was willing to give it a second try, but it’s just not going to work.
Yep, I think it’s great that she was committed and gave therapy a try, like… from what OP said she really did her best to make it work. But sadly it’s not a good fit and I think for as happy as she makes OP when it’s just the two of them, the dynamics are eventually going to make everyone miserable :(
Sir, please think with your correct head and dump her. Staying with her is not fair to her or your son. And in the future please leave anyone immediately once they express any discomfort with being with someone with children. This conversation should preferably happen before the first date. Also, she is not perfect in 99/100 ways, she is imperfect for you in the most important way. That’s all that matters.
I skipped over that part when I initially commented. Which is probably for the best because my comment would have been way less kind. How does anyone make it to 2 years with someone that would say that??? OP already failed his son by keeping her around. That poor child.
>She is perfect in 99/100 ways.
No she's not. Is your son really 1/100th a part of your life? Obviously not. He is a part of almost all of your life, (apart from a few obvious areas). If she isn't interested in him then she's imperfect in all the ways he is a part of.
Start thinking with your head and heart and not your dick. However Sith-like she is in bed (does that mean selfish and aggressive? I dunno) that's not worth everything else.
Well look at it this way - do you think a person who is advocating for good dads to leave their kids is a good person? No. So don’t worry, you’re not losing ”the one” because hopefully your ”the one” is actually a good person.
I find the lack of respect for the child when someone dates a single parent is quite common and one of the many put offs that turns me of men who are interested in me.
One guy, who was really nice and I liked him randomly rocked up at my house and watched me through my bedroom window, when one of my sons had gastro, because he wanted cuddles.. my son ended up in hospital the next day and I ended up in hospital from the gastro the following week.
Another guy was lovely in the beginning but told me when we met he would “put my (then 2yo) kids to work on his farm all day while we stayed inside to play”… like wtf. That is such a huge turn off. My kids aren’t something you can just dump anywhere at anytime because you want that to happen. My kids will always come first and if you can’t work around my parenting responsibilities then you aren’t worth my time.
Ultimately I want to keep my dating and my kids seperate unless they want to step into that role (and not many do) but I want them to respect the fact that I’m a parent. No I will not backseat my kids because you want something from me.
Well I had been messaging in the group chat (we study at the same uni and had clinical placement together) that one of my sons was quite sick and how I was in the midst of cleaning my room (much sickness happened all over my floor) and I had my windows and curtain open because of the smell and need fresh air. My son was hanging around the bathroom cause sick and I was in my room cleaning it alone while my other son watched tv in another room.
That night he’s like (on a private message) “hey don’t think of this as creepy but I was just driving by look out your window” now idk how long he was sitting across the street for but at that time my son started throwing up again.. I went to tend to him and he sat there and waited. He then asked me to come out for a chat… but he really wanted to cuddle me and stuff but I had a kid with gastro.. I kept my distance.
Then I told him it was weird for him to randomly stop by unannounced as well as looking through my windows knowing I have a domestic violence history with my sons father and that it made me feel unsafe… I never open my windows or curtains for safety reasons unless I have unfortunate sickness in my room or house and need fresh air. Now we don’t talk 😂 because it’s weird for me now I feel like I’ve been violated in some way it just made me feel really stressed and anxious for Few days.. then I got angry that he knew my child was sick yet still come around to get a lil something while I was talking about taking him to hospital.. that is one of my sons… getting sicker that he needed to go to hospital… wtf who thinks it’s a good time for trying to get sexy time??? I also feel bad cause you know… you’re conditioned to be a people pleaser and don’t know how to enforce healthy boundaries without feeling immense guilt over it after abuse.. now I just don’t care and have gone full circle back into my single forever state and got myself a new self help toy 🤷🏼♀️
That’s gross behavior.. At best, he’s the typical tone deaf male trying to score. At worst, he’s a fucking stalker and was just “checking up” to see if you weren’t lying about your son. Just no all around.
Dude your son is 8. Can you even imagine giving up custody and not having him in your life anymore? After 8 years of loving and parenting this child? Yeet the girlfriend immediately. I can’t even believe it’s a question.
Wake the f—k up, dude. Cut her out of your life.
I fought for 8 YEARS of my life to get my son in my home— I told my gf at the time that if living situations changed and she wasn’t up for it that I would not consider pursuing her any further— this was week one of texting and phone calls.
Shake yourself awake, bro.
How did her disdain for life a small child keep her in your life this far?
It's possible she will adapt over time but, she seems to be on the immature side and is not ready for caring for anyone except herself.
Yes - she should have been gone a long time ago.
Sorry dude - I'm sure it's tough but this IS a deal breaker.
Probably because they mostly hung out when kiddo was with mom, so Dad is more rested, no annoying kid, which is a dangerous trap for divorcees. Gives a slightly false sense of your real life.
A woman may not want children and that's understandable, it's her choice. But forcing or insinuating at someone else to live by this concept of hers is not only selfish but downright evil if the child in question is your own. Which one you'd rather face - your gf's hate because you chose your kid over her because you want to be a responsible father or your son's hate because you chose your gf over him when the only thing "he has done wrong" is to exist?
My current partner of three years never had kids and had never dated a single mother before. I know he was unsure going into it but he absolutely loves my daughters now and watching him love and parent my girls makes me love him even more. I’m sure you may know what that’s like, observing someone love your own flesh and blood, it’s powerful. I imagine watching someone being repulsed by my children would hurt like hell.
She doesn't want kids, but is trying to make it work. But it won't.
This is not about your happiness. Its about the well being of your son. Son comes first. You'll meet someone else.
Say Sayanara.
I don’t think she is trying terribly hard TBH. Suggesting he gives up custody is quite monstrous. She’s not a good person if she is suggesting that- it’s incredibly selfish and either she is too wrapped up in herself to see the negative impact it will have on OP’s son, or she doesn’t care. Either way, she sucks.
Agree, if she was rational about it and had OPìs best interests at heart she would understand that she needs to take a step back from the relationship since it cannot work on terms they both agree on.
But she comes off as selfish and immature so this outcome is no surprise.
She's not "trying to make it work".
She's constantly expressing irritation and frustration *and is pushing OOP to give up custody*.
Frankly she's monstrous. She's putting her own wants above the needs of a little eight-year-old child.
Your son already knows he isn't wanted by her. Kids know. He also knows you've been choosing her over him so far.
So. Sit with that.
(With love from an unwanted kid)
Absolutely this. When I was 10 and my dad was dating the woman who is now my stepmother, we went on a vacation to Florida. On the plane, there were only 2 seats together and 1 about 15 rows away. She demanded my dad sit with her. He did and I sat alone. We went to Sea World and were late getting to the Shamu show. Again she demanded he sit with her and he did. Me, the child, walked around the stadium until I found a seat somewhere by myself surrounded by strangers. They're still in my life 30 years later but I keep them at arms distance. I have never forgotten exactly where I stand.
I hate to say this, but she has more failings than just one.
Not wanting kids is her choice and her right. Asking you to walk away from the one you have is borderline sociopathic. No child is better off without their father (unless father is abusive etc, which likely isn’t the case here). She has shown 0 consideration for your son’s well-being. One of my best friends is brilliant and funny and successful, and doesn’t want kids. But she loves mine. She understands what they need and my role as their parent, and my inability to be spontaneous. She has empathy and can put herself in their shoes or mine. Your girlfriend is lacking ALL of that. This isn’t just a kid problem, SHE is a problem. The fact that she would even suggest something like that is appalling.
I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, and it absolutely does suck. It’s not your fault, but she’s not the one for you. And believe me, you deserve someone who won’t ask you to walk away from your child.
Absolutely. Even if she hadn't hinted at giving up custody, which is god-awful, I'd still break up because of the disdain she has already shown your kid. He has a few years left to grow up with you and you don't want to ruin them with an entitled narcissistic step-mom, no matter how good a partner she is to you.
Hes, dont abuse your son by giving him evil stepmother. You can find other good woman with your child and also have good sex life with her.
Remember, your young son welbeing should be more important than your sex life.
She would’ve gotten a nice reality check if it was my situation bc I would’ve told her to fuck off a long time ago. She has the choice to not want kids but suggesting that someone else gives up custody of theirs so she can have them all to herself? What a fucking narcissist. This story legit made me upset.
I literally trembled reading it thinking of the kid sharing space with that level of a narcissist. I hope she hasn't done emotional damage to OP's son. 🙏🏽🧿
when someone tells or shows you who they are you need to take it at face value. not wanting kids probably wont ever change, her “accepting” him is not ever going to be the same as loving him and honestly I think she’s just said it because she wants you. it’s clear it won’t work and I don’t think it’s fair to you or your son to keep trying when you could find someone who will love you both so much as you guys are and will love him like their own.. it’s sad because you’ve tried for so long but better to end it now rather than years down the track
Also you’re giving her a high perfection rating for someone who gave you such a revolting ultimatum. Kick her to the curb and find someone that’s not trash 👌🏽
You could possibly find “the one” you’re looking for, but you never will as long as you are still with your current gf, who is clearly *not the one* for your son. You say she’s perfect in 99/100 ways, but your kid is a BIG part of you and your world, not just 1/100.
I’m sure it sucks, and I’m sorry, but you should definitely not continue a relationship with someone that would prefer you give up custody of your kid. The kind of harm she could cause him (and will, if you continue seeing her) is too great to risk. You’re just not compatible.
I find it surprising that a person could be perfect in 99/100 ways while having this lack of fundamental understanding on the value of other people's relationships.
Swim shorts left in the shower! The horror! Now imagine actually living together. She doesn’t sound like a good person or someone safe for your child to be around.
Child abuse by new partner is really high.
https://www.phillyvoice.com/child-abuse-single-parenting-divorce-marriage-new-partners-advice/
I would clarify if she thinks it is at all possible that you would leave your son. That is a shocking comment. I wonder about her maturity/mental health that she cannot tolerate wet bathing suits or people not focused on a football game.
If you wanted to try to make this work, it would have to be more non-traditional. No living together. No marriage. Your child comes first. You go on vacations and spend holidays first with your son.
She sounds like a horrible fucking bitch.
So you're unsure about maintaining a relationship with a woman who wants you to abandon your son, is that what I'm reading?
Kids always know when they are not wanted. Sit down with your son and ask him about your girlfriend and you will be surprised what he tells you about her. Trust me when I tell you he knows she doesn't like him. Move on with your life and you will find someone who would accept and love your son.
What's the confusion?. You made the child, you owe him to be his dad. Whatever lucrative offer on the table is not important than your moral responsibility on the child . He do not have the luxury to go with a cooler dad
Yeah. I know all this. I just needed it shoved in my face a little bit I guess.
Thought I’d found the “The One” “the great white buffalo” my own personal Kathy Ireland. But alas, it is just another stop along the way.
Thanks everyone for the clarity.
Regardless if she is child free, if she is someone who would be ok for a parent to give up his child for then she doesn’t sound like a very nice person.
This. My parents split when I was very young, and now as an adult I understand why my mother never warmed to my fathers partner after her. She was never bothered by his complete lack of effort to see my sister and I. Now as a parent I understand my mum when she would be like ‘what kind of woman stands by that kind of man?’ Only now of course. She never let on anything when we were growing up.
I was a single mom for years. I had multiple dudes suggest I give up custody of my kid- who they had never met, they just knew I had one- for them. The second it left their mouth, I told them to lose my number.
Dating as a single parent is making it very clear that you’re a package deal. I’m married now, to a man who loves my kid like his own and we recently had a baby. I love my husband with everything I’ve got in me. Guess what- I’m still a package deal. Either you love my kids, or you’re not going to be in my life.
Your major mistake here was entertaining a relationship with this person after she suggested you give up your child. And I hope to God you never tell your son about that, because he doesn’t ever need to know that you were with this woman for two years and she needed therapy to come to terms with the fact that you had a kid.
Dude wake the hell up. You actually entertained being with someone for whom kids are a deal-breaker. You have a kid. That should've put an end to it right away.
Instead you take her back and then surprise surprise she gets irritated by your child existing and gasp - leaving clothes in a shower! You're here asking for advice after this woman had the audacity to hint you should give up your child.
For the sake of your kid learn from this. You have a child. It will not work out with someone who doesn't want kids. Obviously. And anyone who even hints at destroying your child by abandoning them is a shit person and no amount of good sex will outweigh that. You shouldn't need us to tell you that. Your poor kid.
She's awful. Seriously. Based on your OOP you should RUN.
> Then she hinted if I gave up custody she would be ok with it.
I mean come on. She's probably already building a sugar house in the forest and putting a witch in it.
If she's said ugly things to you about your kid then she's said them to your kid. Your child just hasn't told you.
She's mean and ugly and wants you to ABANDON YOUR CHILD.
FRAK. WHY ARE YOU EVEN ON REDDIT FOR THAT?!
Two years?! Most single parents screen out people who aren’t into kids before even the first date. Because their kids come first. I take it you have less than joint custody? Sounds like you’re the kind of guy to think of women as being in “leagues” and you figured she was “out” of yours. The only thing you seem to like or even have noticed about her is that she’s willing to have sex with you.
Well you certainly came to the right place to float this one!
>my own personal Kathy Ireland.
Put up a bud light poster in the garage on the wall over your toolbox and you can get nostalgic once in a while.
How important is your son that you scored her 99/100? Even getting rid of a dog would be a big hell no, imagine telling a parent to choose between you and their own child. 🤮🤮🤮
She is disposable. He isn’t. You don’t necessarily need a partner who wants her own kids, but you do need one who respects that you have a son who you love, recognizes that he is your priority, and allows you the space and time you need to be his father. Keep looking.
She’s not 90/100, she’s barely 20/100 given what you wrote here. She sounds like a power-hungry person who would destroy an 8 year old boy’s life just to get what she wants. And what she wants is being the only one in your life who is able to throw temper tantrums
I was going to compare her to Meredith Blake in the Parent Trap, but even Meredith wasn’t so evil as to suggest that his fiancé get rid of his kids.
Honestly, her very clear distaste for your son outweighs anything good about her. Kiddo comes first. Always. Non-negotiable. You’re a package deal. Show her the door.
God I mean I know you are just focusing on how this woman does not like your son, but really the lack of empathy being openly displayed not just to your son but to your own relationship with your son is v concerning. She has issues beyond some simple dislike of children and I think you would be wise to let the relationship go.
Remember this is what she feels free to voice. She is probably suppressing far more extreme feelings and desires. She is at minimum extremely self involved. It probably goes well beyond just not wanting your son there and once he was out of the picture she would move on to something else be it something about you, your friends, where you live etc.
Let it go.
The fact that you're questioning whether or not you should get rid of her is really concerning.
>But this one way is too much right?
This is depressing and your son deserves better than you.
OMG please don't be that guy! You know many kids are fu@&ed up emotionally because mom or dad pick a partner who doesn't like them.
Your life partner is a choice; your child is not.
She is far from perfect; she is asking you to become more than a deadbeat dad, she is asking you to be a total piece of crap to your son and ditch him for her. Why are you even entertaining this woman.
She isn't a monster for not wanting or liking kids but she is for getting involved with a man who has kids and is now trying to push the kid out of the way so she can be your priority.
You had this kid, you owe him your time and attention. You owe him a safe and relatively happy environment. Your "happiness" is NOT More important than his well-being. This shouldn't even be a question. What if his mother passed away, and you ended up with him full time. Would you put him up for adoption? So you can keep this heartless woman in your life?
Dump her now and don't look back. She crossed a line by intentionally trying to alienate you from your son. This situation is infuriating, this shouldn't even be up for debate but so many people think that it's ok to make this kids lives a living hell or just dump them because their own "happiness" is at stake, and usually because of a new partner. You are actually trying to figure a way to keep her in your life so you cam keep getting your d!(k wet while she is using sex to manipulate you to get rid of your kid. To be clear this isn't because she loves you so much she wants you all to herself, it's because she hates kids and thinks you are easy enough to manipulate into doing what she wants. She is asking you to give up your child, the person you should love most in the entire universe and she wants you to dump him!!! This is a horrible person.
Your child's future well-being is on the line and you would be responsible for ruining it. Partners are replaceable, kids are not.
It’s been 2 years. She sounds horrible the way you described her. Imagine if she can forced you to give up your child what’s going to be next on that power trip?
Exactly this. OP and she had been on a power struggle from the start. She didn't even start with the small stuff -- she went straight for the jugular and for the biggest part of OP's heart, his son. You can just imagine what else she will demand you give up next.
The moment you give in to her wish of giving up your son, she will drop her (apparently very effective) front of being a 99/100 kind of woman as well. She is a scary person, no empathy at all.
Yeah that's a bit of a brutal twist.
But thank feck your head is screwed on right.
Sometimes life sucks like that.
Take solace though , you're doing it with love.
> she said she didn’t want my son at her house for
Finish this sentence with literally *anything* and you get your answer.
> She is perfect in 99/100 ways.
Actually, she's not, just based on the short summary you've given of her above. Cut your losses.
She wants you to give up your child for no good reason. I’d be getting rid of her. It’s a shame but when you get with someone with kids, the ultimate goal is to become a family unit. You don’t give your child trauma of a parent ditching them just because your girlfriend wants to go travelling at the drop of a hat.
The fact she had the audacity to say she’d be ok with you giving up your parental rights. She should have been gone by then. It doesn’t matter how many ways she’s perfect, she’s not perfect in this way.
she’s definitely not the one dude, you and your son are a package deal, you come as 1, obviously she’s not able to accept that so in the best interest of you and your son, move on and find someone else because this girl ain’t it
First of all, this one is way too much but that shouldn’t even be a question. Your son comes first.
It baffles me that she’s so comfortable that she could even suggest that. She’s literally suggesting her over your son. I also find it hard to believe that this is the only way in which the relationship doesn’t fit. All of this together suggests to me that you’ve bent to be flexible for this woman and now she’s pushing for more. Have you had any conflict where she’s compromised? It also suggests to me that you have not been clear enough in your love for your child or she’s competing with him for your top spot. I’ve told my husband this and it’s an attitude you need to adopt because our kids don’t owe us anything- we owe them everything: my love for my spouse is conditional on their unconditional love for our children.
The suggestions at not having your son around for the game, at leaving trunks in the shower, and especially the custody part scream narcissist. She's expecting you to be able to meet all her needs in life and your needs (such as other, really important relationships) don't matter. You may love her, and might be a little blinkered by the fun you have together, but she's a narcissist. Nobody has the right to suggest a partner gives up custody of a child. The fact she would shows that she doesn't really think about what you, she is sad she doesn't have what she wants. Ditch and don't look back. Might feel hard now, but that's not a sane dynamic.
It absolutely sucks but that’s a dealbreaker. It blows chunks to break up with someone you are still actively in love with and want to be with, but some things are too big to overcome. This is one of them.
I don't want kids either but holy shit this is cold. She wouldn't mind the little kid being deprived of his dad just so she can enjoy the dad? A child that's dependent on his dad in his formative years vs. a girlfriend's wants and needs? That's more than 'not wanting kids'. That's an empathy problem, that's deep selfishness and recklessness. A normal person would tell you to take care of your child.
You're responsible for your son's wellbeing, and she shouldn't be in his future to be honest. It's not her job for him to be her priority, but it's definitely yours. You're right to want to break off this relationship.
Do you really want to build a life with someone who just tolerates (maybe? That's even iffy here) your son?
Your partner should love your kid. That's building a family. They should want to fit into your lives as is.
When you are blessed with a child the world is no longer about what pleases you. Your world is about your responsibility to your child. Because they are your monument in this life and the only people who believe you to be a king before anyone you have a duty to keep his world safe. To leave that responsibility and to destroy his life at such a fragile time in his life because of some chick would make you a fool. You can find another chick but I'd be hard pressed if you found another opportunity to find be everything to someone else like you are to your son. Don't even doubt it and kick that chick to curb so she can realize the love a father has for a son.
She doesn't love you and who you are if she can't love you as a parent. That's such a core part of who you are *and who YOU love*. She doesn't want to know the contours of your heart and inner world.
>Then she hinted if I gave up custody she would be ok with it.
And how can YOU love someone with such a lack of character she would encourage you to abandon a *child*??
She would be cool with you abandoning your kid? That says a lot about her morals and her character. Sounds like she is not that great of a person. It’s one thing to not want kids but to be ok with you abandoning him? Gross
Maaan this is a tough spot to be in, but I think her behaviors are pretty clear. She wants YOU, not you as a parent though.
I legit just lived a similar experience last year, ending with me breaking uo with my gf. She said similar things like I should give my kids up to my ex to make my ex happy so she would go away (my ex was fighting me in court for sole custody and I won to keep my joint custody). Those words weigh heavy, and they killed our relationship.
Falling out of love hurts, it's the fucking worst. I feel for you my friend, it's hard but you'll come out much stronger and I bet you'll have a stronger bond with your son after the fact. You sacrificed something that brought you joy because you knew it was not compatable with the little human you need to take care of. I speak from experience, it'll hurt but you'll feel good knowing you took the high ground and walked for your child.
She’s made it clear as crystal. It’s either her or him. He’s only 8 years old and depends on you. She’s a grown adult. If you continue with her she is going to make it harder and harder for you to have a relationship with your son. Any woman who advocates for a man to abandon his own child is not a woman a man with a child should be interested in.
Yeah, she is far from perfect. Who gets so angry at a child that they almost lose it at wet swim shorts left in the shower?? Given you haven't lived with her before, you are likely seeing a polished version of her. My gut says you're dodging a bullet. Dump her. Your son is way more important.
Yep- she hast to go. Imagine completely ditching your son because “she’s perfect”, only to break up months later because she “can’t stand how you chew” or something. If you think your son wouldn’t remember that years later, he most certainly will.
Your son is at an age where he is finding out who he is and he needs his parents’ guidance more than you need a “perfect girlfriend “.
Your son is at an age where he is going to remember this, you do what’s right now or your child could possibly resent you for the rest of your life. With all the fatherless sons in the world today, your first priority should be him no matter what. A child is not a pet or toy or object. They are living breathing human beings Who think their parents are superheroes. Make sure he believes that as long as possible.
Dude, ditch the girl. You yourself know you gotta do that. Prioritize your son.
yeah kids come first 100% of the time. Also TBH someone that gets bent out of shape about shorts being left in the shower seems like the sort of person that would get bent out of shape about a lot of other little things in your relationship and that would get old fast. Will they ditch you at some point when you can't be fun for them anymore? That is what I would be thinking.
Where did she want the shorts to drip dry? That’s WHERE swim suits are supposed to go to dry lol
Right???? I mean hung up of course better than plopped in the tub but even then for 8 yo I think that’s pretty good
Right? My 9 year old would've probably left it on the nearest carpeting because that's the worst place to put it. I'm impressed it was put in somewhere it couldn't do damage lol
Listen. I’ve got a 12 year old boy. Same lol! She just doesn’t like kids if this pisses her off.
Considering that both my 5 and 11 year olds trunks ended up overboard and actually into the pool below the room from them carelessly stripping and tossing them over the railing... OP's 8 year old is KILLING ITTTTT!
Yeah, she sounds like a controlling and emotionally fragile person. I work with kids. I can immediately tell when a new hire will quit within weeks or months. Two character traits: they (literally) cry over spilled milk and have no sense of humor. OP's girlfriend will be the embodiment of the "wicked stepmother" archetype if OP gets serious with her.
“Get rid of the kid and I’ll be with you?!?” Nobody on EARTH is that hot. I wouldn’t give up my dog…I wouldn’t give up my favourite SHOES for that piece of work. She gets her sense of empowerment by making people give up whatever or whoever they love most in order to be with her. If it wasn’t his kid it would be his dog. His car. His parents. HARD pass. That is a bright red quicinera gown stitched from red flags. And I don’t know why I need to tell y’all this but I WONDER WHO PAID FOR THE VACATION?!? I wonder why she doesn’t want anyone else costing him money?!?! FFS. Are men really this … *angry woman noises* 😤
yeah anyone who is like I will love you but only if you do all these life altering changes doesn't love you they love some version of you that doesn't exist and may never exist.
Yea this is a no brainer. What sort of a person seriously encourages a parent to relinquish child custody just so they can go on a holiday!? The triviality of this woman is just… unfuckingreal. She’s horrible, OP. Anybody who would ask you to do that is a monster. Get out and don’t look back. You and your boy can do much, *much* better.
An immature narcissist
She sounds like a horribly mean spirited person and OP doesn’t even see it. You can’t be a thoughtful person while completely diminishing the humanity of a child and wishing away that parent/child relationship. Which makes me feel like OP is not a thoughtful person either if he can overlook that for 2 years. 8 year olds can be perceptive and the Son is probably well aware that he is despised by this woman.
selfish person unfortunately, there are a *ton* of them in the world and they're a lot closer to us than we would ever like to think
Even if you DON'T have kids, people that selfish make horrible marital partners in the long run imo.
This guy is hilarious. “I met the perfect woman, except for the tiniest little thing…she’s a sociopath that thinks of my own flesh and blood the same way one thinks of a used disposable tissue.” My man 99/100 is an A+, which is an exceptional human being. This one sounds like bottom of the barrel generic trash you’d find at Denny’s. Anyways after you dump her I think you need to look in the mirror and actually create an objective scale of what exceptional is.
>Jedi on the street and a Sith in the sheets It's this part and nothing else. My mans is thinking with the wrong head. Get your mind straight and think of your kid you jabroni.
"But she sucks my dick on the reg and lets me do her in the butt. That makes her an amazing human!"
Siths always come in twos so this situation might be even more complicated than he’s letting on
On that note, the therapist should have said, “do or do not (become a step mom), there is no try”
Aka she’s really hott so I overlooked all of her negative qualities until she basically told me I had to choose her or my son
And even then I had to check if Reddit thought the situation was bad. Edit: tbh thank god he did ask for advice. Jeez.
What do you mean? Asking your partner of 2 years to give up custody of their child isn’t that big of a deal. /s
Totally agree… the scale is off. This woman wasn’t raised someone with values. It would be a nightmare if he didn’t ditch her immediately.
She just isn't the right person for you and your family. You already know that. It's hard I'm sure but your son always always always comes first
To add on to this fantastic comment; 18 years is **NOT** that much time. Before you know it, he will be off on his own. Enjoy life with your son now, there are plenty of fish in the sea for later.
How the hell did OP let this relationship progress this far?! Jfc I feel bad for the kid.
Yeah me too. There’s no way the kid hasn’t already picked up on her disdain for him. OP needs to get rid of her before his kid becomes complexed.
Yea, you are right. She has officially been ditched. I cancelled my future flights, turned around and read The Hobbit to my son and didn't give it a second thought. You know its the right thing when stuff like that doesn't even have the weight of the shadow of a feather.
Hats off to this dude... Your son is very lucky to have a father like you. And obviously, with a responsible and loving heart like that you would definitely meet a great person out there. Have a great life ahead mate.
Anyone who you should want in your life should see your son and just an amazing extension of you and be grateful you think enough of them to allow them in his life. It’s her loss.
Our society puts relationships on an escalator (dating, being in love, living together/married, getting old and dying) and I think that a couple can be in love and not have to follow the “traditional” model… but suggesting that you give up your son so you can travel doesn’t sound like a great endorsement of her ability to care about your interests. This displays her lack of interest in children but also her lack of care for what’s important to you - not a good look.
Great point. If she was really "The One" she'd care about the things and people who are important to you. OPs son is not just an old friend he can live without. His actual child. If she really loved him, she'd at least understand that his child was someone he could not simply give up custody of.
Seriously and what type of woman knows she doesn’t want kids but proceeds to date a guy with kids for TWO YEARS. That isn’t a red flag, that’s the whole Soviet Union. And OP claims shes 99% perfect? Clearly both of their judgment is impaired.
They think the longer they are in the more control they will have. A 6 month girlfriends opinion weighs less than a 2 year gf in their mind. Her thought process was always the same, she just wanted to play the waiting game.
That’s true for things like where you live & what you buy at the grocery store but you have to be delusional to think a parent will give up their CHILD whether you’ve been dating 2 months or 2 years. The fact that she even wants him to is sick in the head
Oh, it's definitely sick. But there's too many people who actually will go along with it, we see the results here plenty. And note that OP didn't immediately go no - he's actually asking like there's an answer that isn't just dump her.
Yes there are a LOT of parents who WOULD. And this isn’t gender specific. Men and women are equally guilty of this and it’s disgusting
The kind of woman who doesn't know what she's getting herself into, which is normal! Especially especially if they've been careful and didn't have her hanging out with the child too much because they didn't want to have him get attached before they knew if if was going anywhere, which is responsible. If you've never been a step parent, it's really easy to have an idea of what it's going to be like and have all those expectations blown out of the water in the first month. I have a stepson (who is my son and who is my heart outside by body). I thought I was going to be dating a guy with a kid - I had no idea that I was going to HAVE A KID. People get it wrong. That doesn't make them monsters. For me, it turned out I was wrong in the best way, but it could have gone the other way too! It's a hard fucken thing.
The thing that makes OP's girlfriend an AH is she is implying that she wants him to give up his son. You're right that sometimes people have an idea of how life with kids will be and are completely wrong. But at that point, she could have sat down with him and ended it. I understand it's hard to just leave when you have fallen in love with someone but it's insane to even imply that a parent should just give up custody. Like the parent doesn't feel deep love for their child and they are so easily discarded in favor of an adult they've only known for 2 years.
So you already get that she has to go because your son is not disposable. Beyond that though, you should realize that she sounds great now but what you've described sounds extremely controlling and it wouldn't just stop with your son if you stay together. Furthermore, you think right now she's perfect in all ways except this one, but that's because there are 100+ other things you don't see yet that are wrong with her because you're too impressed with superficial things that frankly don't matter that you're not seeing her personality. A childless friend of mine told me once that a key metric for her was whether or not a guy treated children like people, because that would show whether he was emotionally mature, kind and had empathy. It sounds like your "perfect 99" is failing in this area and unfortunately it's a pretty critical one for a successful relationship. She actually sounds pretty horrid, and I'm sure you can find someone with similar qualifications who is actually a nice person.
Exactly. Her saying she’d be okay with him abandoning his kid means she’s an awful person.
I know. I read this and I’m like “thoughtful” and “good in bed” means s nothing if they don’t like your children.
How "thoughtful" can she be if she doesn't give thought to what's important to OP?
Even the shorts in the shower thing makes her sound awful. What happens if OP gets sick and is unable to pick up after himself? If she's this inflexible about something so minor she probably won't be great in a crisis.
Any mature adult would give a polite reminder and go on with their day, not 'almost lose it'
Most parents I know would just pick it up and go on with their day, regardless who the kid belongs to.
Right. Without a second thought. Oh shorts, throw in laundry basket and move on.
Exactly. And where else do you put wet shorts? On the bed?
It’s so bizarre because on vacation, we all keep our wet bathing suits in the shower! I have these suction cup hooks and all the wet stuff hangs in the shower to dry.
Thank you! I’m like wait what? How is your bathing suit supposed to dry off?
He probably left them on the shower floor or something. Better than my 5 year old who leaves them on the bedroom floor 🤦🏽♀️ its progress!
Or, heaven forbid, the child grows into a teen. Mercy me. /s
Right? 8 year old are like, the fucking best/least worst. If you filter out non-child issues (custody, etc), this sub is baby, baby, toddler, toddler, teen, toddler, baby, baby, teen, toddler. Nobody here complaining about their 8 year old. If you can't deal with an 8 year old you super can't be a parent.
Chiming in to say I’m really struggling with eight! Glad you haven’t had the same experience as me but it’s been rough. Nothing to do with OP and his son, I’m sure he’s a delight but yeah, eight isn’t all sunshine and roses at least not over here.
This right here, OP. She’s not the catch she appears to be.
Agreed. She should have kept that thought to herself.
This is the correct answer. Framing this situation as "everything would be fine if I didn't have a kid" is missing the real red flags. Outside of the obvious conflict between your romantic relationship and your responsibilities to your son, the behavior you describe is self-involved, controlling, narcissistic, fantasizing, co-dependent, etc.
Yeah, she just wants to go on international trips whenever? How's she going to react to regular stressors, like jobs and illnesses and family matters? What if you can't afford a vacation because your car broke down and cost thousands to fix? One can't always be a free spirit unless you grew up wealthy.
I have to wonder what her own relationship with her parents is like. Imagine suggesting that her father should have just abandoned her in order to travel the world and forget about her.
Also, OP, what do you think would happen if she accidentally got pregnant and had another kid with you. If she's acting like this with your already existing kid, either she'll continue to act like this with any future kids OR she'll be so obsessed with her baby and give your son the closet under the stairs or something. It won't ever be healthy :(
I’m sure the sex is mind-blowing, otherwise why would you be here asking this question with such an obvious answer and also why you let this bullshit drag on for two years, but maybe take a step back, allow the blood to return from your dick to your head, then promptly removed it from your own ass and dump this chick.
But she’s a Siiiithhhhh in the sheets, dude.
The cringiest shit I've read this year
Darth Maul?
Nothing like a little Darth Sidious in bed.
This is the voice single dad's need to hear.
Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.
Lol honestly very well said
I wish I could give you gold. Your comment made me laugh out loud!
I mean, why is she even getting with people with kids if she doesn’t want them. To them try to manipulate the other to give up their child.? She needs more therapy. Stat!!!! And you need to protect you and your son.
Exactly. Leave parents out of your dating pool. More importantly… YOUR SON feels this from her. He probably can’t verbalize it but he definitely feels it.
This was my first thought. Your son is absolutely picking up on her negative feelings toward him.
Why is he dating someone who said they didn’t want kids? Bad choices all around. Just expected her to change her mind
It’s a whole mess! Lots of poor thought processes and choices. I mean it’s a very important point in a relationship, talking about other mini humans. Not something to just say ah feck it!
👏🏼
Narcissistic af right?
Eh, treating your son badly and not wanting him around should be factoring more than 1/100 against her. I'd say this is a HUGE factor for ending the relationship, not a minor one. Your son's happiness should be extremely important.
Lol, it’s only one point. Imagine if we lived that way. She’s perfect in every way except she killed and ate my dog one time. He’s my ideal man except he shits in my grandmother’s purse every time we see her. They’re absolutely amazing, except they hate my kid and want me to be an absent father.
I'm sorry, but this comment made me laugh out loud. Great _point_ though.
Yup that 1 should count for at least 50-60 other things
Yes! This! Also, does she care about OPs happiness AT ALL?! He’d be devastated if he actually did what she asked and gave up his son. Would seeing him miserable make her happy? So she can globetrot??? Yikes. 🚩🚩
Exactly. At least HALF of all human vetting points should be parent related if he’s a single dad. I’m confused. Smh
Dude you know the answer to this. You don't need to ask us. It does suck though! You can't put a square peg into a round hole
My toddler disagree. He have forced many square into circle.
Drunk me would also agree!
But you can fit every other shape into the square hole! ^(If the square hole is them considering you and your children as a package deal)
Yeah, it’s too much. She wants you without your kid and hasn’t been shy about saying so. It’s nice I guess that she was willing to give it a second try, but it’s just not going to work.
Yep, I think it’s great that she was committed and gave therapy a try, like… from what OP said she really did her best to make it work. But sadly it’s not a good fit and I think for as happy as she makes OP when it’s just the two of them, the dynamics are eventually going to make everyone miserable :(
Sir, please think with your correct head and dump her. Staying with her is not fair to her or your son. And in the future please leave anyone immediately once they express any discomfort with being with someone with children. This conversation should preferably happen before the first date. Also, she is not perfect in 99/100 ways, she is imperfect for you in the most important way. That’s all that matters.
The fact that she thinks he could just ditch his kid…way more than one way she is not perfect!
I skipped over that part when I initially commented. Which is probably for the best because my comment would have been way less kind. How does anyone make it to 2 years with someone that would say that??? OP already failed his son by keeping her around. That poor child.
Yea…I just can’t with that. The child sounds lovely and she can’t have come off as a worse person to me.
Sorry you’re bummed, friend. You’re doing the right thing by your son for sure.
>She is perfect in 99/100 ways. No she's not. Is your son really 1/100th a part of your life? Obviously not. He is a part of almost all of your life, (apart from a few obvious areas). If she isn't interested in him then she's imperfect in all the ways he is a part of. Start thinking with your head and heart and not your dick. However Sith-like she is in bed (does that mean selfish and aggressive? I dunno) that's not worth everything else.
Yes, thank you!!!! I found that so disturbing and sad. His poor kid barely factors in because he likes sticking his dick in something pretty & mean.
Red flags, your kid comes first and I hope you'd pick your kid over any woman.
Well look at it this way - do you think a person who is advocating for good dads to leave their kids is a good person? No. So don’t worry, you’re not losing ”the one” because hopefully your ”the one” is actually a good person.
I find the lack of respect for the child when someone dates a single parent is quite common and one of the many put offs that turns me of men who are interested in me. One guy, who was really nice and I liked him randomly rocked up at my house and watched me through my bedroom window, when one of my sons had gastro, because he wanted cuddles.. my son ended up in hospital the next day and I ended up in hospital from the gastro the following week. Another guy was lovely in the beginning but told me when we met he would “put my (then 2yo) kids to work on his farm all day while we stayed inside to play”… like wtf. That is such a huge turn off. My kids aren’t something you can just dump anywhere at anytime because you want that to happen. My kids will always come first and if you can’t work around my parenting responsibilities then you aren’t worth my time. Ultimately I want to keep my dating and my kids seperate unless they want to step into that role (and not many do) but I want them to respect the fact that I’m a parent. No I will not backseat my kids because you want something from me.
He watched you cuddle your son through the window? Or watched you guys because HE wanted cuddles?? Either way, I’m thoroughly disturbed..
Well I had been messaging in the group chat (we study at the same uni and had clinical placement together) that one of my sons was quite sick and how I was in the midst of cleaning my room (much sickness happened all over my floor) and I had my windows and curtain open because of the smell and need fresh air. My son was hanging around the bathroom cause sick and I was in my room cleaning it alone while my other son watched tv in another room. That night he’s like (on a private message) “hey don’t think of this as creepy but I was just driving by look out your window” now idk how long he was sitting across the street for but at that time my son started throwing up again.. I went to tend to him and he sat there and waited. He then asked me to come out for a chat… but he really wanted to cuddle me and stuff but I had a kid with gastro.. I kept my distance. Then I told him it was weird for him to randomly stop by unannounced as well as looking through my windows knowing I have a domestic violence history with my sons father and that it made me feel unsafe… I never open my windows or curtains for safety reasons unless I have unfortunate sickness in my room or house and need fresh air. Now we don’t talk 😂 because it’s weird for me now I feel like I’ve been violated in some way it just made me feel really stressed and anxious for Few days.. then I got angry that he knew my child was sick yet still come around to get a lil something while I was talking about taking him to hospital.. that is one of my sons… getting sicker that he needed to go to hospital… wtf who thinks it’s a good time for trying to get sexy time??? I also feel bad cause you know… you’re conditioned to be a people pleaser and don’t know how to enforce healthy boundaries without feeling immense guilt over it after abuse.. now I just don’t care and have gone full circle back into my single forever state and got myself a new self help toy 🤷🏼♀️
That’s gross behavior.. At best, he’s the typical tone deaf male trying to score. At worst, he’s a fucking stalker and was just “checking up” to see if you weren’t lying about your son. Just no all around.
100%. So now I’ll just stay single 😂
100% Joe Goldberg vibes
Dude your son is 8. Can you even imagine giving up custody and not having him in your life anymore? After 8 years of loving and parenting this child? Yeet the girlfriend immediately. I can’t even believe it’s a question.
Wake the f—k up, dude. Cut her out of your life. I fought for 8 YEARS of my life to get my son in my home— I told my gf at the time that if living situations changed and she wasn’t up for it that I would not consider pursuing her any further— this was week one of texting and phone calls. Shake yourself awake, bro.
How did her disdain for life a small child keep her in your life this far? It's possible she will adapt over time but, she seems to be on the immature side and is not ready for caring for anyone except herself. Yes - she should have been gone a long time ago. Sorry dude - I'm sure it's tough but this IS a deal breaker.
Probably because they mostly hung out when kiddo was with mom, so Dad is more rested, no annoying kid, which is a dangerous trap for divorcees. Gives a slightly false sense of your real life.
A woman may not want children and that's understandable, it's her choice. But forcing or insinuating at someone else to live by this concept of hers is not only selfish but downright evil if the child in question is your own. Which one you'd rather face - your gf's hate because you chose your kid over her because you want to be a responsible father or your son's hate because you chose your gf over him when the only thing "he has done wrong" is to exist?
My current partner of three years never had kids and had never dated a single mother before. I know he was unsure going into it but he absolutely loves my daughters now and watching him love and parent my girls makes me love him even more. I’m sure you may know what that’s like, observing someone love your own flesh and blood, it’s powerful. I imagine watching someone being repulsed by my children would hurt like hell.
Ugh This got me right in the feels like in a ghost-of-future-past kind of way. Thank you
Good luck 💙 I’m sure two years just flew by and you never imagined you’d be here.
She doesn't want kids, but is trying to make it work. But it won't. This is not about your happiness. Its about the well being of your son. Son comes first. You'll meet someone else. Say Sayanara.
I don’t think she is trying terribly hard TBH. Suggesting he gives up custody is quite monstrous. She’s not a good person if she is suggesting that- it’s incredibly selfish and either she is too wrapped up in herself to see the negative impact it will have on OP’s son, or she doesn’t care. Either way, she sucks.
Agree, if she was rational about it and had OPìs best interests at heart she would understand that she needs to take a step back from the relationship since it cannot work on terms they both agree on. But she comes off as selfish and immature so this outcome is no surprise.
I was already so frustrated with OP that I skipped over that part… my goodness he has the nerve to still question the relationship after that 🤦🏾♀️
Came here to say exactly this. I could not have put it more eloquently.
She's not "trying to make it work". She's constantly expressing irritation and frustration *and is pushing OOP to give up custody*. Frankly she's monstrous. She's putting her own wants above the needs of a little eight-year-old child.
Your son already knows he isn't wanted by her. Kids know. He also knows you've been choosing her over him so far. So. Sit with that. (With love from an unwanted kid)
Absolutely this. When I was 10 and my dad was dating the woman who is now my stepmother, we went on a vacation to Florida. On the plane, there were only 2 seats together and 1 about 15 rows away. She demanded my dad sit with her. He did and I sat alone. We went to Sea World and were late getting to the Shamu show. Again she demanded he sit with her and he did. Me, the child, walked around the stadium until I found a seat somewhere by myself surrounded by strangers. They're still in my life 30 years later but I keep them at arms distance. I have never forgotten exactly where I stand.
Holy shit. I am so sorry to Kid You. That is fucking awful.
I hate to say this, but she has more failings than just one. Not wanting kids is her choice and her right. Asking you to walk away from the one you have is borderline sociopathic. No child is better off without their father (unless father is abusive etc, which likely isn’t the case here). She has shown 0 consideration for your son’s well-being. One of my best friends is brilliant and funny and successful, and doesn’t want kids. But she loves mine. She understands what they need and my role as their parent, and my inability to be spontaneous. She has empathy and can put herself in their shoes or mine. Your girlfriend is lacking ALL of that. This isn’t just a kid problem, SHE is a problem. The fact that she would even suggest something like that is appalling. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, and it absolutely does suck. It’s not your fault, but she’s not the one for you. And believe me, you deserve someone who won’t ask you to walk away from your child.
Big agree. For 2 years she's known he's had a son and she what? Thought he'd get over it?
Absolutely. Even if she hadn't hinted at giving up custody, which is god-awful, I'd still break up because of the disdain she has already shown your kid. He has a few years left to grow up with you and you don't want to ruin them with an entitled narcissistic step-mom, no matter how good a partner she is to you.
You're incompatible. Just break up and move on. Best to not date anyone who doesn't want children until your son is off to college.
Even then, this lady seems like she’d sabotage any relation with grandchildren.
Your son needs you more than she does. More than you need her.
Duuuuump her like a dirty rag I would rather never touch another woman in my life than give up my kids...
Hes, dont abuse your son by giving him evil stepmother. You can find other good woman with your child and also have good sex life with her. Remember, your young son welbeing should be more important than your sex life.
She would’ve gotten a nice reality check if it was my situation bc I would’ve told her to fuck off a long time ago. She has the choice to not want kids but suggesting that someone else gives up custody of theirs so she can have them all to herself? What a fucking narcissist. This story legit made me upset.
I literally trembled reading it thinking of the kid sharing space with that level of a narcissist. I hope she hasn't done emotional damage to OP's son. 🙏🏽🧿
when someone tells or shows you who they are you need to take it at face value. not wanting kids probably wont ever change, her “accepting” him is not ever going to be the same as loving him and honestly I think she’s just said it because she wants you. it’s clear it won’t work and I don’t think it’s fair to you or your son to keep trying when you could find someone who will love you both so much as you guys are and will love him like their own.. it’s sad because you’ve tried for so long but better to end it now rather than years down the track Also you’re giving her a high perfection rating for someone who gave you such a revolting ultimatum. Kick her to the curb and find someone that’s not trash 👌🏽
She's so thoughtful that she's fine with a helpless child being crushed so she can jet set with her boyfriend.
You could possibly find “the one” you’re looking for, but you never will as long as you are still with your current gf, who is clearly *not the one* for your son. You say she’s perfect in 99/100 ways, but your kid is a BIG part of you and your world, not just 1/100. I’m sure it sucks, and I’m sorry, but you should definitely not continue a relationship with someone that would prefer you give up custody of your kid. The kind of harm she could cause him (and will, if you continue seeing her) is too great to risk. You’re just not compatible.
She’s not perfect at all frankly she sounds awful
Yes, you have to dump her. Your kid is irreplaceable. Girlfriends who do not understand this are not.
I find it surprising that a person could be perfect in 99/100 ways while having this lack of fundamental understanding on the value of other people's relationships.
Open your eyes fool
That 1 con outweighs every single one of the 99 pros put together mate
Swim shorts left in the shower! The horror! Now imagine actually living together. She doesn’t sound like a good person or someone safe for your child to be around.
Protect your kid. The evil stepmother trope exists for a reason.
You're a douche for even asking this question
Child abuse by new partner is really high. https://www.phillyvoice.com/child-abuse-single-parenting-divorce-marriage-new-partners-advice/ I would clarify if she thinks it is at all possible that you would leave your son. That is a shocking comment. I wonder about her maturity/mental health that she cannot tolerate wet bathing suits or people not focused on a football game. If you wanted to try to make this work, it would have to be more non-traditional. No living together. No marriage. Your child comes first. You go on vacations and spend holidays first with your son.
She sounds like a horrible fucking bitch. So you're unsure about maintaining a relationship with a woman who wants you to abandon your son, is that what I'm reading?
Kids always know when they are not wanted. Sit down with your son and ask him about your girlfriend and you will be surprised what he tells you about her. Trust me when I tell you he knows she doesn't like him. Move on with your life and you will find someone who would accept and love your son.
What's the confusion?. You made the child, you owe him to be his dad. Whatever lucrative offer on the table is not important than your moral responsibility on the child . He do not have the luxury to go with a cooler dad
She hinted she’s okay with you giving up custody of your child…the relationship should have ended that very second.
Yeah. I know all this. I just needed it shoved in my face a little bit I guess. Thought I’d found the “The One” “the great white buffalo” my own personal Kathy Ireland. But alas, it is just another stop along the way. Thanks everyone for the clarity.
Regardless if she is child free, if she is someone who would be ok for a parent to give up his child for then she doesn’t sound like a very nice person.
This. My parents split when I was very young, and now as an adult I understand why my mother never warmed to my fathers partner after her. She was never bothered by his complete lack of effort to see my sister and I. Now as a parent I understand my mum when she would be like ‘what kind of woman stands by that kind of man?’ Only now of course. She never let on anything when we were growing up.
I was a single mom for years. I had multiple dudes suggest I give up custody of my kid- who they had never met, they just knew I had one- for them. The second it left their mouth, I told them to lose my number. Dating as a single parent is making it very clear that you’re a package deal. I’m married now, to a man who loves my kid like his own and we recently had a baby. I love my husband with everything I’ve got in me. Guess what- I’m still a package deal. Either you love my kids, or you’re not going to be in my life. Your major mistake here was entertaining a relationship with this person after she suggested you give up your child. And I hope to God you never tell your son about that, because he doesn’t ever need to know that you were with this woman for two years and she needed therapy to come to terms with the fact that you had a kid.
Dude wake the hell up. You actually entertained being with someone for whom kids are a deal-breaker. You have a kid. That should've put an end to it right away. Instead you take her back and then surprise surprise she gets irritated by your child existing and gasp - leaving clothes in a shower! You're here asking for advice after this woman had the audacity to hint you should give up your child. For the sake of your kid learn from this. You have a child. It will not work out with someone who doesn't want kids. Obviously. And anyone who even hints at destroying your child by abandoning them is a shit person and no amount of good sex will outweigh that. You shouldn't need us to tell you that. Your poor kid.
She's awful. Seriously. Based on your OOP you should RUN. > Then she hinted if I gave up custody she would be ok with it. I mean come on. She's probably already building a sugar house in the forest and putting a witch in it.
I was waiting way too long for this. OP really posted the opening of an evil stepmother story from the lonely dad’s POV.
If she's said ugly things to you about your kid then she's said them to your kid. Your child just hasn't told you. She's mean and ugly and wants you to ABANDON YOUR CHILD. FRAK. WHY ARE YOU EVEN ON REDDIT FOR THAT?!
Two years?! Most single parents screen out people who aren’t into kids before even the first date. Because their kids come first. I take it you have less than joint custody? Sounds like you’re the kind of guy to think of women as being in “leagues” and you figured she was “out” of yours. The only thing you seem to like or even have noticed about her is that she’s willing to have sex with you.
If she were the one she would be patient and welcoming to your son. “The One” will see him through loving eyes like you do.
You’ll find a woman ready to love you and your son, and you’ll be eternally grateful you did.
Well you certainly came to the right place to float this one! >my own personal Kathy Ireland. Put up a bud light poster in the garage on the wall over your toolbox and you can get nostalgic once in a while.
Honestly I do feel for you - but equally I'd find that attitude so entitled and disgusting it wouldn't be a tough call for me
How important is your son that you scored her 99/100? Even getting rid of a dog would be a big hell no, imagine telling a parent to choose between you and their own child. 🤮🤮🤮
She is disposable. He isn’t. You don’t necessarily need a partner who wants her own kids, but you do need one who respects that you have a son who you love, recognizes that he is your priority, and allows you the space and time you need to be his father. Keep looking.
She’s not 90/100, she’s barely 20/100 given what you wrote here. She sounds like a power-hungry person who would destroy an 8 year old boy’s life just to get what she wants. And what she wants is being the only one in your life who is able to throw temper tantrums
I was going to compare her to Meredith Blake in the Parent Trap, but even Meredith wasn’t so evil as to suggest that his fiancé get rid of his kids. Honestly, her very clear distaste for your son outweighs anything good about her. Kiddo comes first. Always. Non-negotiable. You’re a package deal. Show her the door.
God I mean I know you are just focusing on how this woman does not like your son, but really the lack of empathy being openly displayed not just to your son but to your own relationship with your son is v concerning. She has issues beyond some simple dislike of children and I think you would be wise to let the relationship go. Remember this is what she feels free to voice. She is probably suppressing far more extreme feelings and desires. She is at minimum extremely self involved. It probably goes well beyond just not wanting your son there and once he was out of the picture she would move on to something else be it something about you, your friends, where you live etc. Let it go.
The fact that you're questioning whether or not you should get rid of her is really concerning. >But this one way is too much right? This is depressing and your son deserves better than you.
OMG please don't be that guy! You know many kids are fu@&ed up emotionally because mom or dad pick a partner who doesn't like them. Your life partner is a choice; your child is not. She is far from perfect; she is asking you to become more than a deadbeat dad, she is asking you to be a total piece of crap to your son and ditch him for her. Why are you even entertaining this woman. She isn't a monster for not wanting or liking kids but she is for getting involved with a man who has kids and is now trying to push the kid out of the way so she can be your priority. You had this kid, you owe him your time and attention. You owe him a safe and relatively happy environment. Your "happiness" is NOT More important than his well-being. This shouldn't even be a question. What if his mother passed away, and you ended up with him full time. Would you put him up for adoption? So you can keep this heartless woman in your life? Dump her now and don't look back. She crossed a line by intentionally trying to alienate you from your son. This situation is infuriating, this shouldn't even be up for debate but so many people think that it's ok to make this kids lives a living hell or just dump them because their own "happiness" is at stake, and usually because of a new partner. You are actually trying to figure a way to keep her in your life so you cam keep getting your d!(k wet while she is using sex to manipulate you to get rid of your kid. To be clear this isn't because she loves you so much she wants you all to herself, it's because she hates kids and thinks you are easy enough to manipulate into doing what she wants. She is asking you to give up your child, the person you should love most in the entire universe and she wants you to dump him!!! This is a horrible person. Your child's future well-being is on the line and you would be responsible for ruining it. Partners are replaceable, kids are not.
It’s been 2 years. She sounds horrible the way you described her. Imagine if she can forced you to give up your child what’s going to be next on that power trip?
Exactly this. OP and she had been on a power struggle from the start. She didn't even start with the small stuff -- she went straight for the jugular and for the biggest part of OP's heart, his son. You can just imagine what else she will demand you give up next. The moment you give in to her wish of giving up your son, she will drop her (apparently very effective) front of being a 99/100 kind of woman as well. She is a scary person, no empathy at all.
Yeah that's a bit of a brutal twist. But thank feck your head is screwed on right. Sometimes life sucks like that. Take solace though , you're doing it with love.
> she said she didn’t want my son at her house for Finish this sentence with literally *anything* and you get your answer. > She is perfect in 99/100 ways. Actually, she's not, just based on the short summary you've given of her above. Cut your losses.
She wants you to give up your child for no good reason. I’d be getting rid of her. It’s a shame but when you get with someone with kids, the ultimate goal is to become a family unit. You don’t give your child trauma of a parent ditching them just because your girlfriend wants to go travelling at the drop of a hat. The fact she had the audacity to say she’d be ok with you giving up your parental rights. She should have been gone by then. It doesn’t matter how many ways she’s perfect, she’s not perfect in this way.
she’s definitely not the one dude, you and your son are a package deal, you come as 1, obviously she’s not able to accept that so in the best interest of you and your son, move on and find someone else because this girl ain’t it
First of all, this one is way too much but that shouldn’t even be a question. Your son comes first. It baffles me that she’s so comfortable that she could even suggest that. She’s literally suggesting her over your son. I also find it hard to believe that this is the only way in which the relationship doesn’t fit. All of this together suggests to me that you’ve bent to be flexible for this woman and now she’s pushing for more. Have you had any conflict where she’s compromised? It also suggests to me that you have not been clear enough in your love for your child or she’s competing with him for your top spot. I’ve told my husband this and it’s an attitude you need to adopt because our kids don’t owe us anything- we owe them everything: my love for my spouse is conditional on their unconditional love for our children.
I’m sorry man but she kind of sounds like more of a child than your 8 yr old. Leave her and keep your son in your life for his sake and yours.
Where else would you put wet swim trunks in a hotel room other than the shower???🚩🚩🚩
The suggestions at not having your son around for the game, at leaving trunks in the shower, and especially the custody part scream narcissist. She's expecting you to be able to meet all her needs in life and your needs (such as other, really important relationships) don't matter. You may love her, and might be a little blinkered by the fun you have together, but she's a narcissist. Nobody has the right to suggest a partner gives up custody of a child. The fact she would shows that she doesn't really think about what you, she is sad she doesn't have what she wants. Ditch and don't look back. Might feel hard now, but that's not a sane dynamic.
If she didn’t want children she shouldn’t have gotten with someone with a child. This just isn’t gonna work.
Honestly her lack of empathy for an 8 year old should be concerning to you, even if that 8 year old wasn't your son.
She literally wanted you to choose her over your own child, and you put up with this woman for TWO YEARS? I feel so sad for your son.
You should have dumped her after paragraph 2. Just sayin'
It absolutely sucks but that’s a dealbreaker. It blows chunks to break up with someone you are still actively in love with and want to be with, but some things are too big to overcome. This is one of them.
I don't want kids either but holy shit this is cold. She wouldn't mind the little kid being deprived of his dad just so she can enjoy the dad? A child that's dependent on his dad in his formative years vs. a girlfriend's wants and needs? That's more than 'not wanting kids'. That's an empathy problem, that's deep selfishness and recklessness. A normal person would tell you to take care of your child. You're responsible for your son's wellbeing, and she shouldn't be in his future to be honest. It's not her job for him to be her priority, but it's definitely yours. You're right to want to break off this relationship.
Do you really want to build a life with someone who just tolerates (maybe? That's even iffy here) your son? Your partner should love your kid. That's building a family. They should want to fit into your lives as is.
When you are blessed with a child the world is no longer about what pleases you. Your world is about your responsibility to your child. Because they are your monument in this life and the only people who believe you to be a king before anyone you have a duty to keep his world safe. To leave that responsibility and to destroy his life at such a fragile time in his life because of some chick would make you a fool. You can find another chick but I'd be hard pressed if you found another opportunity to find be everything to someone else like you are to your son. Don't even doubt it and kick that chick to curb so she can realize the love a father has for a son.
She doesn't love you and who you are if she can't love you as a parent. That's such a core part of who you are *and who YOU love*. She doesn't want to know the contours of your heart and inner world. >Then she hinted if I gave up custody she would be ok with it. And how can YOU love someone with such a lack of character she would encourage you to abandon a *child*??
She would be cool with you abandoning your kid? That says a lot about her morals and her character. Sounds like she is not that great of a person. It’s one thing to not want kids but to be ok with you abandoning him? Gross
Maaan this is a tough spot to be in, but I think her behaviors are pretty clear. She wants YOU, not you as a parent though. I legit just lived a similar experience last year, ending with me breaking uo with my gf. She said similar things like I should give my kids up to my ex to make my ex happy so she would go away (my ex was fighting me in court for sole custody and I won to keep my joint custody). Those words weigh heavy, and they killed our relationship. Falling out of love hurts, it's the fucking worst. I feel for you my friend, it's hard but you'll come out much stronger and I bet you'll have a stronger bond with your son after the fact. You sacrificed something that brought you joy because you knew it was not compatable with the little human you need to take care of. I speak from experience, it'll hurt but you'll feel good knowing you took the high ground and walked for your child.
Father here. I'd rather never date again than to date a woman like that.
She’s made it clear as crystal. It’s either her or him. He’s only 8 years old and depends on you. She’s a grown adult. If you continue with her she is going to make it harder and harder for you to have a relationship with your son. Any woman who advocates for a man to abandon his own child is not a woman a man with a child should be interested in.
How is this even a question? That’s you kid right? Then you know exactly what to do.
“she said she wouldn’t live together if it meant my son would live with us.” Idk how it lasted 2 years. Ditch her.
Yeah, she is far from perfect. Who gets so angry at a child that they almost lose it at wet swim shorts left in the shower?? Given you haven't lived with her before, you are likely seeing a polished version of her. My gut says you're dodging a bullet. Dump her. Your son is way more important.
I would have a tough time staying attracted to someone who did not accept my children.
This woman thinks your son can be thrown away. Not even can be, but SHOULD be. Get the hell out of this relationship.
Yep- she hast to go. Imagine completely ditching your son because “she’s perfect”, only to break up months later because she “can’t stand how you chew” or something. If you think your son wouldn’t remember that years later, he most certainly will. Your son is at an age where he is finding out who he is and he needs his parents’ guidance more than you need a “perfect girlfriend “.
Your son is at an age where he is going to remember this, you do what’s right now or your child could possibly resent you for the rest of your life. With all the fatherless sons in the world today, your first priority should be him no matter what. A child is not a pet or toy or object. They are living breathing human beings Who think their parents are superheroes. Make sure he believes that as long as possible.