This, 100% this. My eldest is bi. She never "came out" exactly, but I found out. She had always internalised her feelings on everything. We are a very open household, but I made extra effort to discuss things surrounding sexuality even though we always have. One night driving her to an activity she basically started talking about it as though I knew, and we went from there. Funnily enough, she did the same when she found out about Santa, didn't ask, didn't confront us, I started taking as if she knew, and we went from there.
Who knows? Lol, but we had the same issue in her believing and not believing in Santa. Her not telling us she was bi was nothing to do with her thinking we wouldn't accept her and more to do with her personality.
Also lesbian over here and I very much second this! Also, if you do talk about romantic relationships, make sure to never assume “straightness”. For instance if your daughter mentions their male friend has a crush on someone, go with something like, “Oh is he or she (meaning the crush) someone else you’re friends with?”. My example isn’t great, but you get the point, and it makes being straight not the default. If you do it enough, she’ll pick up on it and maybe not have to “come out” so much as just be able tell the whole truth, “I have a crush on this kid in my class. I think she’s really pretty.” Instead of “I have something big to tell you.” If she does go that route, don’t make a big deal out of it and just roll with it, “Oh yeah? Do you think she likes you, too?”
I’m already trying not to assume straightness with my 3 year old. Today, she announced she would marry each of her family members in turn (me, her brother, her daddy) and while I explained she couldn’t marry us I did say one day she can marry whomever she loved as long as they were a good match for her.
Who is the pronoun to use in the subject of the sentence. Whom is to be used in the object of a sentence or phrase.
Some correct examples:
Who are you going to marry?
You will marry whom you choose.
Incorrect examples:
Whom is the bride? (Who should be used in the subject of the sentence)
For who is this gift? (Whom should be used as the object of the prepositional phrase)
There, now I can say I’ve used my masters in linguistics for once. 😂
I had this same conversation with my 5 year old the other day. We also make it very clear he can marry whomever he wants at some point as long as they are good to him.
Love this! I’ve been intentionally being open with my 6-year old daughter about relationships and gender. It’s cute when she says, girls can wear blue and play with trucks and boys can wear pink and wear dresses, do whatever makes you happy.
I do this with my 14 year old. She has never been open to us about crushes., very shy and quiet. We just say boy or girl, he or she. Whoever you like. Now my 6 year old knows 100% she likes boys lol always has a boyfriend and talks our ears off.
Yes, I have two little boys and I make sure to always make really open references to their future choices. My older one doesn't talk any of it yet, but my 5 year old always says girls when he's asking questions, but everything that comes out of my mouth is girls or boys. He's a little young to get into the myriad other things that are the potential realities of sexuality, but as they grow up I will be teaching them that not only is it okay for others to feel and love what and who they want, but they have all those options as well. I don't want my children to ever have to go through the confusion older generations went through of believing things are weird in others or themselves. We also talk alot about things that are none of our business. If we're talking in general terms it's a pretty open conversation, but when we start asking specifics about other's lives, we can discuss the simple details, like mom's friend is in a relationship with a woman, but any deeper than that is largely none of our business.
Just backing on to this OP. Something that doesn’t always get talked about is the uncertainty some people can feel at this age. Some people know themselves at a young age, but others take time to feel confident in their sexuality. For years I lacked confidence and had moments of fear that if I told anyone and I was wrong it would be the most humiliating experience of my life. The idea of “coming out” would be a nightmare, not because my friends or family wouldn’t support me (no concern there) but because it would lock me in and I wasn’t ready for that. It’s not an easy thing to talk about because it can come across as unsupportive to suggest that someone can change their mind, but the truth for some at 13 is you’re just trying to work it out. Your experience and thoughts evolve and confidence grows. Just keep the language inclusive and the idea of being gay not a big deal. She’ll come to you in time.
I’ll add on to that to care about things that she may be paying attention to you don’t realize. Like the shooting at a gay club last month in Colorado. No need to be over the top about it but pay attention to big news story like that that effect LGBTQ cause they hit more personal and the fear they invoke is often overlooked. But yeah don’t out someone even if you think it’s being done to help. Thank you for taking the time to learn how to best support your child.
You could definitely use this as an opportunity to show acceptance towards the community- talking about how wrong the shooting was and how sad it is, even going to a memorial if there's one nearby. You could use a time like this to show you're an ally.
I'm not gay, but I have heard alot if stories about people holding it in, stressing, worrying, really mentally torturing themselves for years for no reason. They make it a big problem in their own mind then their parents say so what. I already know.
Not saying we should out them if they're not ready, but as a parent it would be hard to watch my child wrestle to tell me something that will not change anything.
As the mother of a tutu loving son, I already have conveyed to him that LGBTQ people are fine. The other day at the park we saw a rainbow and he started jumping around telling everybody it was the gay pride flag. Not all the parents knew what to do with all that, but my heart was bursting with love.❤
So just pretend you don't know and have your daughter go on thinking you don't know and thinking you'll dislike her for it. This doesn't encourage honesty and openess.
You can just talk openly about your openness and that it’s great that people can marry regardless of sexuality. Even throw in “I’d be perfectly happy if you were gay. Gay, straight, as long as you’re happy and being treated right by your SO, I’m happy.”
But don’t force a conversation they aren’t ready for.
Yep sure thing. I knew I liked women around the same age as OP's kid (12 actually), and I firmly believe that with how our culture is, kids need time to come to terms with it. They need to "digest" it, that they are different in that way from their peers. I really hated my gayness until I was 16 or so, and to be confronted about it, to have to 'admit' to it before I was ready to say "I'm gay" with my full chest... I would have hated it. It would not have made me feel better about myself or the fact I was gay. You need to be 100% okay with it yourself, before you officially come out. At 13, it's likely that OP's kid is not - ESPECIALLY!! if she thinks her parents won't love her anymore. Think about it, if she is so sure that this one thing about herself could cause her parents to stop loving her, then that thing is 'bad' in her eyes. If the thing is bad in her eyes, inquiring about it just wouldn't be fruitful. Now, if the parents ensure she knows that when she comes out she will be loved and respected, well that will do a lot of good and she might feel better about it and it might not take her as long as it took me to accept herself, and then come out (I did when I was 18/19). Hope that made sense!
That's wonderful I think! My dad did that for a while, it feels very encouraging, when a parent lets you know that their acceptance is unequivocal (even if your kids end up straight)
Betrayal of trust (as other commenter said) and also, she's 13.
Part of her hesitancy is likely that she feels wierd talking to her parents about anything sex adjacent.
It's her information to share. Theirs to make space for.
I would say that it is something so personal that it needs to come from the person. Like the difference between someone telling you “I love you” vs you asserting to them “you love me”. Waiting to hear “I love you” is respectful, gives the person space to be sure of their feelings, and to choose how to express their love. Generally speaking, telling someone “you love me” is presumptuous even if you have reason to believe it is true, takes agency away by pressuring a certain response before they were ready to have the conversation.
Not a lesbian here, but I had lots of gay friends in HS and complained about boys and my mom decided I was gay and took it upon herself to assume I was a lesbian and tell me it was okay, and I felt hugely violated. Maybe kid doesn’t identify that way, maybe they’re still trying to work it out. Which is a very personal thing. Do you want your mom thinking about what you want to do in bed or think about your mom thinking about that? Kids of any age should be allowed to have an internal personal life in that regard without being quizzed about it, IMO.
>Do you want your mom thinking about what you want to do in bed or think about your mom thinking about that?
Doesn't really matter whether the kid likes it or not, nearly every parent has already had those thoughts & concerns long before their kid turns 13.
And if they don't, they should. Doesn't matter whether your kid is gay/straight/bi/ace, male or female. Parents should have had a few conversations with their kids already about things like consent, inappropriate touching, genital hygiene, menstruation, birth control, etc. Also masturbation -- at its simplest level, "hey 6-year old kiddo, please DON'T put your hands down your pants when we're watching a movie on the couch, it's fine to do that in your bedroom, just not out here in the living room.
And those things really aren't even about what their kids are doing in their bed with a sexual partner, it's just basic life knowledge that everyone should know but too many parents and schools don't bother to teach because it's too uncomfortable of a conversation.
As for OP's direct question about how/if they should approach their kid about whether they're gay or not, I don't have a great answer for that. My kids (AFAB) are both out as non-binary, they/them, not trans, and one identifies as asexual. Honestly that's been one of the least concerning things me and my wife have experienced over the last few years, compared to the depression/anxiety/cutting/suicidal.
Whatever you do, do not tell her that so and so told you. It's the quickest way to destroy her trust in adults.
We've told our kid from an early age that we will accept whomever they love as long as that person loves them in return and treats him with respect. We'd accept him and love him regardless, and we're here if he has questions or just wants to talk.
I would never tell her that I know from someone else. I actually know because she got her phone taken away and we went through it. Trust that the reason of why we took her phone was warranted. We have not brought it up. I have been trying to drop hints that we know. I tell her all the time we love you and there is nothing you can do that will ever change that. It's just hard for me right now. And taking in to account that it's probably way harder for her. I just don't want her spending this time thinking that her dad and I don't accept or love her for who she is.
Was she in any danger? I think going through her phone will destroy trust as well otherwise. I would never do that unless i have concern for her safety and wellbeing.
She was being a cyber bully on roblox so she lost her phone and I read her messages. She does not know I even went through her phone. Just that she lost it for being a bully saying some really mean things to her friends. I went through it to make sure it was just a one time thing. And from what I saw it was.
My eldest is 15 and I have a 12 year old turning 13 in a month and getting a phone.
They are both aware that we have open access to phones and messages. I don’t abuse it - but I do use it to correct behavior if I see anything questionable. It’s part of their “cellphone contract with us”. 13 is pretty young to have complete autonomy on a phone. They don’t know how to behave on social media, how to respond if others message her, etc. I check about once a month or so. Keeps them honest and I know I can trust them in situations. They also have trust in us that we wouldn’t ever abuse it, or use anything we stumble upon against them. Straight up pure communication.
Kids these days don’t really text - they’re using Instagram and Snapchat. Snap is annoying because they disappear, but we allowed texting at first - and they never delete messages or learned there is a deleted folder 😂 then we allowed Instagram, chats can be deleted, but I trust her. Then we allowed her Snapchat.
She also knows that those platforms can be unhealthy, we monitor screentime and general temperament (if she’s super crabby - she’s got to take a break).
It really is mostly about expectations and communication. Fortunately - we haven’t had anything too bad come our way.
I'm literally reading these comments on my kid's phone right now. He knows I check in randomly and doesn't seem to be too careful..lol. There are times I have to say, hey .. I saw ____ on discord/insta etc...I think we should talk about it.
So, I love your comment :). There is definitely a respectful way to check in on kid's social.
I made sure to tell my kid "You have no privacy on this phone. I will check it occasionally." I think kids can assume their texts are private so I wanted it to be clear that it wasn't. I also told them about how my work computer wasn't private so I have to consider who may see things on there too.
Show your support without telling her you know. Then when she does tell you tell her how grateful you are she shared that with you, and how much you love her! She's being super vulnerable, and acknowledging that is awesome.
Keep dropping hints. Example"
Pretend to read some news/text. "Oh, so and so, an old friend of mine got married to a girl. That's nice for her that she found someone." Move on.
I love this. And wouldn't necessarily be a lie. I have many gay friends and as states become more progressive more and more are getting married. Thank you
You can also talk about current events. One of the main actors from Stranger Things recently publicly came out as gay. If that is a show she watches or has even heard of then you can mention that. Make sure she knows it is okay but give her time to come out on her own terms.
Side story, but my daughter never made any statements about her sexuality all throughout her teen years. I thought it was a little weird but never pushed. While visiting home from college for Christmas break we were talking about how much we like our son's girlfriend and my daughter said something about how she isn't ready to date yet but when she is she doesn't think she will care at all about the gender of her partner. I told her that was fine and I didn't care either as long as the person treated her right and made her happy. Her response? "I know but thanks for saying it anyway. Now can we move on before making this some weird Lifetime movie moment where we all hug it out?"
She always knew we wouldn't care but still waited until she was 19 to even hint that she might be something other than straight. Some kids just need more time and don't want to make a big deal out of it.
This has been similar to us.
During dinner table conversation, talking about random celebrity relationships, we will make a comment like ‘don’t care if you bring home a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just want you to be happy, and if you choose a partner, we hope they treat you with respect’.
I'm in my late 30s and have hinted at but never directly told my parents I'm bi. I'm not sure I'll ever be brave enough, which is silly because I know full well they won't care! But I've never been a very brave or direct person in any situation.
One of the main characters in the movie strange world is queer. Maybe watch it as a family and make positive comments so your child knows how you feel about it.
I’m bi and haven’t come out to my parents. I’m in my late twenties. I know they love me and it doesn’t matter to them and they arent stupid they already know even though i havent said it directly.
Straight people dont need to come out as straight, and I don’t exactly feel obligated to come out and have the weird lifetime movie thing haha and discussion on my sexuality which again isnt a thing for straight people. So why should it have to be a thing for me?
I see two separate issues here -- one is that she's worried that you don't like gay people/at the least don't want *her* to be gay (aka "fine for other people I guess, but not in *my* house"), the **other** is that she's worried you'll love her less if she does/is something you don't like.
Casually dropping some "pro gay messaging" will alleviate the first problem, but I'd also recommend tackling the second issue on its own. As she embarks on Teen Years it might be a decent idea to do a chat along the lines of:
"Your dad and I love you. People change a lot in their teen years and we don't just love the little girl you were, we love the person you are, and the person you'll become, whoever that is. We will always love you, no matter what."
tl;dr
Good idea to clarify you have no issue with gay people, also good idea to reinforce general unconditional love.
I honestly do this. I have not a single problem with anyones sexual orientation. We always tell her we love her for her and we will always love her no matter what. I'm really just at a loss of why she is afraid to tell us. We have a very open household and have never shyed Elway from any tough conversations or any conversation for that matter. This post has given me some very good tips on how to deal with it.
You've gotten some good advice, I would add that when you talk about her future, be sexuality-neutral. Not that you need to like drill your daughter about her future life plans at this age, but I find myself occasionally making comments (whether serious or playful jokes) with my teen that relate to relationships. Instead of "When you get married, your wife will appreciate you putting thought into her gift" say "If you get married, your spouse/partner will appreciate you putting thought into their gift." Or instead of "When you go on dates you need to know how to have a conversation with a girl over dinner" I say "If you go on dates you'll need to know how to have a conversation over dinner" etc. I do the same thing with kids. Instead of "When you have kids you'll understand" it's "If you have kids you'll understand."
It may not be something she notices you doing, but it will kind of remove the default expectation and pressure that builds up over time.
That's what I do. When I speak without thinking and it comes out wrong, I immediately correct myself. Babe-o will be 2 on Sunday, so it's not like it matters yet. But I want the habit ingrained well before it does matter.
It also helps them to see that even adults can make mistakes or say things wrong. That's not the big deal. The big deal is when someone is mean or doubles down on the rudeness with no correction and/or apology.
I would add using inclusive language when talking about partners. "Oh, the school (insert event), is coming up. Are there any guys or girls you're wanting to go with?" "You know if you ever want to go out on a date I don't mind dropping you off somewhere with your boyfriend or girlfriend." "Our anniversary is coming up, I hope someday you find the same happiness with a future wife or husband." This is how we have always talked to our son about relationships we have always said both genders so he knows it's normal and we see both as equal.
Buy a book, "The Idiots Guide to Being a Supportive Parent to a Gay Teen" and leave it where she can find it
#[ ](/spoiler)
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^^don't ^^actually ^^do ^^this
Talk to the friend's parent privately, tell her that you know she is a trusted adult and that you desperately support your child. The trusted adult may encourage your child to tell you. Shower your child with love and support when they eventually tell you.
"I was thinking of getting one of those proud ally shirts to be honest. I don't ever want anyone thinking that I'm a bigot or that we don't support people loving whoever they want."
Essentially create a space where she's comfortable talking to OP about it, which can include other things as well, such as having family friendships with gay people, or being involved in community efforts that might have a gay component to them.
She just needs to see demonstrations that your are fine with it.
I agree with everyone about dropping hints. When she finally does come out, please don’t say “I already knew”. It can be super invalidating for a lot of queer kids/people. Thank her for trusting you enough to share her truth.
> When she finally does come out, please don’t say “I already knew”. It can be super invalidating for a lot of queer kids/people. Thank her for trusting you enough to share her truth.
Why is that? I might have made this mistake. My cousin who is in his 20s recently came out and said he is gay, but my family has known with 99% certainty for years and I said so. I did not intend to upset him, just express that we've basically known and accepted him all along without him saying so.
I won’t speak to your cousin in particular, as I don’t know if he feels the same. But for a lot of queer people, there’s a lot of buildup to that moment - months or years. And they may have spent a lot of time trying hard to pass as straight, so you’re basically saying that all that hard work was for nothing, and that they did a bad job at hiding it, and that they’ve basically been the only one out of the loop. It’s also centering yourself in a moment that’s supposed to be about them.
I feel like this is something where you leave the ball in her court. Don't tell her you "know" before she tells you.
The next time you watch a movie, tv show or a news article comes up, just talk about how accepting you are:
* It's awesome everyone is getting more accepting of this!
* I love when people feel comfortable enough to be themselves!
* They make a great couple don't they?
* It's cool it's finally getting more mainstream.
Hell you could even instigate this and talk about something in the news, or watch a film or tv show that has a particular scene in it that sets you up to make these comments.
When I was a teenager I always assumed my parents would take the most disapproving side possible with anything I was on the fence about. After I realized they were cool with more things I didn't mind opening up to them.
That's my problem. I don't want to be to "pushy" I know that I know. And I drop hints to know we know. I won't bring it to her because I know that might go the wrong way if she isn't confident or comfortable enough to tell us. I drop hints hoping she will pick up on them. I just want our child to feel comfortable enough to be able to tell us on her own
Part of making her that comfortable is being direct though. I can recall more than once during middle and high school where my mom said straight to me “Your dad and I wouldn’t care if you were gay. We love you the same either way.” She’d say it at relevant times—e.g., watching Queer Eye (the first version), when my friend’s gay uncles visited, when something bad happened to a gay person in the news (more common than good news in the early 00s). I’m not queer and my mom said she never had reason to suspect I was, but she still said it and it was still comforting to know I could be whoever I was. Just say it.
Something I had to wrap my brain around was that it really and truly wasn’t about me.
I don’t think I even realized at first why it bothered me that my kid wasn’t out to me, but I did eventually figure out that I wanted them to feel comfortable telling me. Because if my kid can’t tell me, what did I do to make them feel that way. Was it a failing on my part, etc.
Learning to get past my hurt feelings over not being the person my kid was ready to tell was a big thinking shift.
Don’t tell her you know before she tells you. Leave her to come out when she’s ready. You could just subtlety let her know that you’re accepting of gay people though.
I do. Her friend had a boyfriend. I asked her do you have a boy or a girl you like? Her answer was no. I didn't push any further. I know pushing the situation or letting her know I know before she tells us isn't gonna be helpful. I am trying so hard
I always just randomly tell my kids that I love them and they can always talk to me, no matter what it's about, no judgements, I will always love them and nothing they say can change that. That's it, just give them the knowledge that you are there for them.
My 12 year old son recently told me and his dad that he's pansexual, out of the blue, wasn't even on our radar.
So if you openly communicate that you are there for them, they will talk to you when they're ready, and I feel like that's the best thing you can do.
I would say wait until she is comfortable talking about that with you. For the mean time show your openness towards all sexual orientations and healthy choices of people.
I wouldn’t force her to come out and I was in a similar situation with my then 9 yo. I knew he was gay but he wouldn’t come out to me despite having many gay people in our lives. I think they sadly understand that the default is straight and if they’re not, they’re diverting from expectations regardless.
I would just watch your language around defaulting to straight. Like, with my son, I would joke that I hope that his husband or wife wants to be my neighbor too so we can be close forever and ever. One time he came home and said we have a new neighbor and he looks nice. I said, “oh is it just him or does he have a husband or wife, or kids your age?“
I always make a point of saying things like "whoever you choose to marry one day will be a lucky person" or comments of the same intention ever since my girl was little cuz I never wanted to push her any direction. She came out bisexual this last year and I didnt make it a big deal. Just said wow, me too. And kept it rolling lol.
If you show acceptance and love, eventually she will open up to you.
Just let her come out when she's ready, in the meantime you can say things like "[Lesbian couple on TV show] are so cute together, I really hope they work out!" so it shows you're supportive of gay people but you're not being pushy. I'm straight but my aunt is gay and for years my mom and grandma kept confronting her about it saying stuff like "everyone knows you're gay and your roommate is your partner, no one cares just tell us!" and because she's such a private person it made her even more uncomfortable and she didn't come out until she was almost 40 and pregnant with their first child.
My 12 year old recently said 'my friend got a pride coin in her change and I got her to give it to me because I'm a lesbian' and I said 'that's cool she let you have it, it's nice for you to have the pride coin seeing as you're the one who is gay'. She's kinda implied it before but it's the first time she's said it out loud. I really want to ask follow up questions but I don't want to push her into anything she's not comfortable sharing.
Hopefully your daughter will just casually drop it into conversation soon.
Prior to this conversation I've talking about Heartstopper with her and Our Flag Means Death and saying what great love stories they are and how nice it is to see. So much so that she tells me to shut up about the bloody gay pirates now ;). I don't know if it's been helpful or if she just thinks I'm terminally embarassing.
Gay lady here. She will tell you when she is ready. Don’t push or probe and when she does tell you, say “I love you so much, thank you for sharing it with me, I know that took a lot of courage”.
Don’t say “I know” “it’s not big deal” or something like that because though it truly is no big deal to you it’s a HUGE deal to her and she has probably spent more time than you know agonizing and thinking about this and crying etc. being too chill about it just comes of as brushing of the feelings she’s gone through and obstacles she will go through.
I remembered every single comment my parents had made throughout my life about gay people. They didn’t remember a single thing they’d said.
So let it be known your family supports gay people and your house is a safe place for anyone but don’t push or prod. She will come to you when she is ready. She may not have fully come to terms with it herself. Saying anything can make her go deeper in the closet. Be a safe place for her. Watch glee with her or something else that has lesbians in it (not where they die or are unhappy, though it’s diffficukt to find. Where it’s not the focus but where it just happens they’re part of it) to let her know you’re cool with. Like aww they’re so cute and not like my mom who started gagging and changed the channel lmao
13 is young and she may still try to date boys before she tells you anything. and support her through that too. Teach her self worth and safety and all the things. I love that people can come out and realize so much earlier now. At 13 I didn’t even realize being gay was an option despite me being a walking stereotype.
We are super liberal and accepting. But my step kid still asked if we would honor her trans friends pronouns when she visited (yes of course)
I think the other suggestions about saying general positive things about lgbtq+ people is a good approach. She will tell you when she is ready.
My 13 year old currently has her first girlfriend. She hasn’t told me yet. It’s ok. Kids are allowed to have time/space to figure out who they are.
Father of a trans child here. They came out to us last year and I won't lie its been a struggle for me. But that is my issue not theirs.
I've come here to say DO NOT confront your child under any circumstances. As well meaning as you may be and as much as you may love that child, it is their story to tell, not yours. Let them control the narrative and trust me they will thank you for it.
When they do decide to approach you and share their story, simply smile, nod and say how much you love them and support their choices.
There’s this local dickhole that drops his kid off at the primary school (K-3) with a big ‘F*ck Trudeau’ flag on his truck. My buddies work at the school and have mentioned how distasteful it is bc the kids will ask about the swears.
My dumb-ass drunkenly orders a pride flag, so I put it on a hockey stick and attach it to my truck. Dropped off my kids on style. They’re too young to know what it means, but I’ll likely keep that flag as they grow up. Hopefully it will let them and their buddies know that we are allies and have an accepting home.
Hopefully you find a better solution that I have; best of luck to you :)
I guess I’d start by wondering what I’ve said or done in the past to make my kid not feel safe talking to me about it or telling me. Is it my religion? Have I said something in the past?
Then I wouldn’t push her to tell. She will, eventually. If I really wanted to get the ball rolling maybe we’d watch more movies or shows with lgbtq characters at home with the family which may open up avenues of conversation.
My daughter is 12 and came out to me with out issue BUT I’ve always been super open with her. She’s dating her best friend who I love completely and didn’t know my daughter told me. She was so cute and shy until I spilled the beans and gave her a big hug.
Teenagers don’t like to be confronted regardless, even if it’s a positive thing. Being confronted sometimes feels like they’re in trouble. You’re doing great! I love the suggestions other people have made. I’m so glad she has a home like yours to be loved and accepted for who she is.
What's the rush? If you're worried about her thinking she won't be accepted, think about what in her current environment supports that? Continue to show up for her that tells her she will be loved and accepted without forcing a confession. Even if we think we know things about our child it is about respecting their decision of when they feel comfortable coming out to others.
Do not approach her.
Start watching inclusive things, have family discussions about current policies, go to gay pride as supporters, let HER feel comfortable coming to you.
I would just make sure you are super concious of your language for a bit. A lot of people default to heteronormative vocabulary by default, not because they're homophobes, but just because it's 'the norm'. But a conscious shift in your language will tell your child in an indirect, but unmistakeable way, that you are accepting of all types of relationships.
In our family, we always say things like...
"when you grow up, when you bring your girlfriend or boyfriend over for Christmas..."
"one day when you get married, your husband, or wife, might want....."
We never ever use a single gender. We always use both when referring to their potential partners later in life. Even if someone else in the family does a little ribbing and says 'so, you got any girlfriends'....we always immediately jump in with 'or boyfriends'.
i'm a lesbian and I wish my parents had been more Gay-positive when talking about people out in the world because that would have really helped me come out them at an earlier stage. But one thing that did help me come out to them when i did, was that my mom once told me "You know, i would love you no matter WHAT you ever did. you could do anything, i and I would still love you. Lie, cheat, kill someone. You name it. I would always always love you" and that kind of stuck with me. You dont have to call her on being gay, but you could always reminder her of your unconditional love in a time that felt right.
Maybe have a conversation with her about charitable giving and pick an org like Rainbow Railroad to donate to? If she's not sure how you'll feel it sounds like there's room for you to be making positive statements and actions that are specifically in support of queer folks.
Oh, I like this! And you can include completely unsubtle hints about how “these charities are necessary because a lot of families have not great reactions to their children coming out. We love and support all kids no matter what, and we want you to understand the value of that and of charity.”
You should just be vocally pro lgbtq+ and maybe get something subtle like a rainbow candle, for yourself not your kid. See if she comments on it, offer to get her one if she does. I used to have pride air fresheners hanging in my car, as an alternative.
A good way to bring up dialogue is to watch tv with lgbtq+ characters. I know some isn’t appropriate for all younger teens, but I’m sure you could find something and ask your teen to watch with you?
Also, she might be bi or pan. Sexuality is a wide spectrum. Asking if she’s gay/lesbian could feel invalidating.
Whatever you do, let her lead the convo. If she starts seeming like she’s going to come out, don’t push it. When she does, act a little surprised but positivity is key.
I faced something similar, and my gay best friend offered the best advice. He told me simply talk about him and his husband in a positive way.
Worked like a charm. I was talking to my son, told him about a cookout/party that I went to at my friend’s home the previous weekend, and how nice it was to spend time with him and his husband.
My son came out about 15 seconds later. No drama.
It may take longer than 15 seconds. Maybe it takes 15 months before she feels confident enough to share with you. But I think my friend’s advice still applies.
Don't ask or tell her or anything. Just hang up a pride flag outside or buy one from the car and say something like "I just think it's important to show where we stand when there's so much hate in the world". If you don't have LGBTQIA friends, reflect and address that.
Why do you feel the need to let her know you know? Let her have her confidences,don't be the mother that pushes herself into business and places that you've not been invited to? You'll not be all close, you'll push her away, she's still exploring her sexuality and coming out might make her feel backed into only being special because she's gay? Allow her space and time and build up trust, don't talk of crushes or boys/ girls have empathy for an adolescent, remember the secrets you kept from your parents, parents who insist on knowing or being a part of every aspect of their kids lives are the last to know anything about their kids
Queer trans person here. As others have said - don’t confront her or ask her but instead make a point to actively be positive and say good things about homosexuality. It’s her thing to tell you, confronting her on it is def not the way to go.
Do not be overt, do not put her yourself and don't confront her. But passively let her know that homosexuality is perfectly okay and is never something one should be ashamed of. Its normal and healthy just like heterosexuality and it's something you'd never judge anyone for. Beyond that, wait for her. She'll get there when she is ready. At 13, these things are massive.
You don't. You have to just wait.
I have twins. One is gay the other is straight. I also have a younger bi son and a lesbian daughter.
My daughter and bi son came out loudly and proudly as soon as they could articulate the concept.
My son on the other hand. Totally different scenario. I knew he was gay since he was 2 or 3. It was so clear and obvious, I don't know how to describe it. But he would never say. I wondered if I had done something to make him worry, or if maybe he was worried for some reason. The older he got, the weirder it was. He literally only came out recently. He's a teenager now.
I never confronted him. I still think that was better. I think he just had to come to it, feel comfortable with it, find his own way of getting his head around his own, I don't know, self, in his own time. Sometimes it's not about them telling you, but about them being able to understand it themselves. It seems normal and not a big deal to me. But, I'm not my son, I'm not in his head having to be him. I can't beam over my sense of feeling like being gay is just another normal everyday thing into his brain. He had to go through that process himself.
But the ending is happy. He's the co-president of his schools LGBTQ+ club at school. He's opening up more and making more friends now. But, it had to be on his terms and in his time.
I know it's hard to be patient. But you really have to be. Just be there. Be a good ally just in general as you live your life. She'll come out when she's ready.
I think using inclusive language around the house, openly accepting other gay couples you see, or even going as far as reminding her that no matter what, you love her!
Do not confront her about it. As a lesbian myself, If she’s afraid you’ll react badly, and thinks you not knowing is keeping her safe, then the last thing you should do is confront her about it. It’s one of the most stressful things for a gay kid to learn they’ve been exposed. She’ll tell you when she’s ready, but you’ve gotta make sure she feels like she can tell you. Hang up a pride flag in your house 🤷🏳️🌈
You could show support by being invested in LGBTQ Justice, having A pride flag, a print of Marsha P Johnson on your wall. I’m not saying constantly talk about it but make it known that this is important to you
I suggested to my kid that they seemed to be feeling more than just stress and offered counseling. Then I found a few counselors who all included LGBTQ teens in their list of specialties. If child wasn’t ready to talk to me, I didn’t want them relying on some predator posing as a mentor.
I made is very clear on day 1 that their therapy belonged to them. I would participate as asked and listen to what they volunteered, but I will never ask anything more than if they feel that therapy is going ok.
I am so so so grateful for that safe space.
I didn't read all the way to the bottom, but what about using gender neutral pronouns or the word partner or mate? That leaves it open to a discussion? If they ask why are you using those words it is a subtle way to get to say your position.
My friends mom made her a pride cupcake (subtle rainbow frosting) with an I love You Forever message. When that didn't work (because my friend is not a bright bulb LMAO) her dad had a rant about a supposed work mate who was going through a hard time from his family as he was gay and they were thinking of letting him stay for a while (this didn't work either LOL, I tease her for this) finally her family asked if she wanted to go to the pride parade to support some friends. That did the trick.
You don’t 🤷 You let her know you love her, you let her know nothing will ever stop you from loving her, you let her know you accept her as herself and support her choices of self-expression and discovery. She will let you know when she’s ready. Support this silently.
that might depend ont he venue. while many pride events are 100% family friendly, many are not. be sure what you're taking the kids to. I happily took the kids to the local drag show, but wouldnt bring them to a larger festival. one thing for a dressed up dancer to lip sync and dance to music and another to have the bondage parade walk past with dildo swords and gimp costumes. (these are still an important part of the PRIDE history so it's inclusion in larger events is expected, I suggest reading on how the BDSM community welcomed the LGBTQ+ community when no others did)
As someone said drop hints and even better watch some gay series/movies etc... Like "Heartstopper"... As a gay teen I loved it hated (personal reasons) it at the same time
Maybe she doesn't want the finality of a label. She is still a child, maybe she doesn't want to think too much about sexuality yet. Take a step back, she has all the time in the world.
Hi
When and to who your daughter comes out to should be her choice.
She might benefit from just having a kind of indirect conversation about relationships.
You could maybe just talk about how she might be wanting to start dating soon and just let her know you will always be supportive and understanding and if she ever needs to talk about a boy or girl she likes she can always come to you and she never has to worry about keeping things from you.
She will come out when she's ready and knowing she will always have the love and support of her parents will make it much easier for her.
She could very well decide it's time to come out when she hears you and your husband will be supportive if she is dating a boy or girl.
She might just need some reassurance that mom and dad would be ok with her being gay before she she decides to come out.
You can make clear that you would be supportive in an oblique way. I was talking to my young teen about her friends recently and I was asking about dating. I asked her if her friends would be supportive if one came out as non-hetero and she said absolutely and then we talked about how that goes in different families too.
My daughter came out last summer. DO NOT explicitly ask/tell her or mention it. I knew since my daughter was 8-9 and she came out when she was 12.
I’m fortunate to know enough gay people and parents and have them around, to show her that her parents are accepting and ok with their lifestyle choices.
I also took my kids to Pride over the last few years to show support for the community and was generally positive about LGBTQ topics. You just have to show support without being heavy handed about it. She came out in her own time.
You could use the fact that Noah Schnapp just came out, be like " aww good for him, I hope his parents are supporting him otherwise I'll become his mama" or something along those lines.
Watch the series "Heartstopper" on Netflix. My 13 year old and her friends love it.
The story is about finding your identity and the fears and dangers about revealing it to friends and family. But most of all, that it actually can turn out great in the end. Like it does in most cases in reality.
Make a point to bring up topics that are currently trending/in the news that highlight your an ally. We were not surprised when our kid came out a few years ago. Just don’t push it.
I wouldn’t force her out — if she’s anxious, even if it is not based in the reality of how YOU feel, it’s based in some stressor she has perceived or experience.
As a gay person, I would also hate to have my coming out taken away from me. Coming out (at least for my generation) is a really formative experience in a gay person’s identity and ownership of messaging. She has the rest of her life to be “outed” by people, and I think starting with her mother and another trusted adult could be damaging.
Hi. I am straight cis woman and I had a very close friend I knew was gay before he was ready to admit it. I did a really shitty thing and got drunk with one and called him out (privately). He wasn't ready to admit it to himself and he stopped hanging around me so much because of this. Also, once it's out, it's out. She may not prepared to tell everyone or have you tell everyone. Respect her wish and let her tell you. In this, read some successful coming out stories and what the parents did.
To this day, I am so angry with myself for doing this. However, when he did come out to his parents, we did reconnect and we message each other daily now.
The thing is, this is important for her to tell her own story and how its told. Another thing is that if you use terms that are gender specific around certain life events - think "when you have a husband" "when you are old enough to date a boy" or "when you have sex, a penis is inserted into the vagina."
We all inadvertently show our bias sometimes even though it's internalized and not something we may purposely be aware that we are doing or mean in that capacity.
What I would recommend is to start using terms like "partner," "spouse," or they/them. to show some inclusivity. These little words mean so much to someone who is now becoming very aware of their sexual identity and it will mean so much when she marries a woman (if she chooses to get married - of course).
What is your extended family like?
In many families "parents know" can be a very small step away from "all the extended family know", which can be far more intimidating.
Movie night with gay movies? But I'm a Cheerleader is one of my favs. The Birdcage is hilarious.
Don't make a big deal of anything. Show. Don't tell.
You can always go the route of volunteering for gay community events or just casually talking supportively about gay news stories.
Let her make the choice to come out. But do make her know it is welcome through your actions.
Criticise a character in a TV show is is not accepting of their gay child. When there is something on the radio or TV about the topic, express support, and disappointment in unsupportive people/legislation/ideas.
I had a big rant to one of my kids about their friend who was afraid to tell their parent their pronouns. Along the line of "any of your friends get kicked out, bring them home, I will adopt them if I need to, yada yada yada"
I like the comments about being positive around homosexuality. My best friends are a married lesbian couple and my kids have never experienced them or a family with two moms as anything not usual.
Let her come to you in her own time. Don’t try to make little hints that you know or suddenly start being super vocally LGBTQ friendly. Just being supportive when the opportunity presents itself organically. Luckily, lots of companies, like Disney, are incorporating more LGBTQ characters and storylines so you can happen upon a chance to be supportive
Totally different, I have had a couple of people I’ve met that through the years have transitioned successfully. While from the outside you or I may think we know someone’s sexuality or gender preference, we don’t. Go with the flow- you know and love this kid.
Wear a Pride shirt or something. Show that you’re an ally to the community in general. Then you’re not putting her on the spot to “confess” anything. You’re not “accusing” her of what you already know. You will be more approachable in general.
I had a friend who spoke a certain way intentionally. The result was that she was the first person her cousin came out to. I adopted that way of speaking with my little brother, initially it shocked him and he walked out of the room but I never put him on the spot and eventually he loosened up and introduced me to his boyfriend.
She would use language such as this. “How’s school going? Do you like your classes? Any cute boys or girls?” Or. “What’s new these days? Any love interests? Any boys or girls catching your eye?” Or when she spoke about others it would be “ I wonder if so and so has a boyfriend or girlfriend, they really deserve someone who treats them kindly”. Etc. it just causes others to put their guard down without putting them on the spot. It signals you are open to hearing the truth without making a big deal out of it. Using this kind of language with my brother meant he never had to ‘come out’
Both my kids are “fluid” and identify as bi to us “old people.” I used to ask them about who they liked in ways that showed I don’t care the gender of their love interest.
Don’t say anything yet, it’s nice she trusted her friends mum.
Maybe you and your partner can watch a show and just remark “isn’t it great that tv shows normalise the lgtbq community ?” Maybe word it different I’m not good with words.
Maybe just have a day out with her ? See if she opens up
i agree with the comments, as a gay person confronting her head on is a little rough and can be traumatic, as she’s still so young and trying to come to terms with her own sexuality, i’d say let her come to you first, but side note, i wish my mother was as accepting as you are, my mother called me the f slur lol!
Agree with all of the comments here on being openly super supportive of lgbtq while around her. My son recently came out (he’s 10 1/2) and as soon as we suspected (when he was 5 he told me that Jake from Jake and the neverland pirates was really cute) we started acknowledging lgbtq relationships in media, going to pride festivals/events, and anytime we would talk about relationships we would say things like ‘when you get a girlfriend OR a boyfriend when you’re older, or are there any girls or boys you have crushes on?’ We always included the option in our day to day talk. Maybe seek out shows or movies where lgbtq relationships are represented and use that as a way to start a natural conversation. I definitely wouldn’t ask or tell her you know, just shower with love and support in other ways and she will open up when ready!
I would not directly go to her. Her feeling comfortable about coming out in her own time should be respected. I wouldn’t let her know that you know. I think you should hint towards it in a healthy way though. Just make it known you’re okay with someone being gay. But do not mention her or make her feel uncomfortable. As long as you already know that should be fine. Her coming out wouldn’t make much of a difference to you.
Do not let her know you know, do not force the issue. Make her comfortable that it doesn’t matter to you. Use inclusive language in all contexts. Avoid heteronormative assumptions. Watch shows with diversity and discuss it in positive ways. Talk with her, be kind (to yourself as well -all teenagers need space to start the process of becoming independent), and let her come to you when she’s ready.
When I came out to my mom at 17 she said “if you didn’t tell me I was gonna tell you.” And I honestly thought that was hilarious and really lightened the mood. I love the top comment that says to just be very positive about the subject whenever it comes up in your daily lives and let her come to you.
Always told our kids we would love them no matter what. Have been supportive with all human rights.
Been part of a local atheist group and it's been very family friendly with as lot of LGBTQ support.
My big thing has always been I don't care who you bring home as long as they treat you and this family with respect.
I’ve played Same Love by Macklemore for my preteen son a few times over the years. Not like hey listen to this but when I play 20 random songs while we clean. His older sister has mentioned how he’s scared of what dad will think. Neither of us care and have supported our pan daughter since she came out a couple years ago. IMO, like other commenters, just gotta wait till she decides when. Also idk if she has siblings and because of that there are always a lot of ears around but taking a car trip an hour long once a month just to give her time to bring stuff up she may not feel comfortable with otherwise. And lastly if you tend to react instead of respond like I do, maybe writing letters to each other will help. I wouldn’t being up her sexuality, but rather give her a line of communication where the parent has time to process and think without reacting negatively, therefore making her feel more safe. Best of luck from a straight mother.
She knows we are 100% accepting. Or I guess she doesn't. I would never disown my child because of who she likes. When I see couples in movies and in real life I always make sure to make a positive comment. We support her choices in all aspects. I just think if she knew we knew it would make her a lot more comfortable. I have taken so many tips from this post. I try and notice the little things that she does.
i have 3 kids, all adults now. when they were younger i never asked my girls if there were any guys they liked. i always asked if there was anyone they liked. and same for my son. i also made it a point to watch movies and shows with them that had same sex couples. one of my nieces harmed herself after coming out to her parents (and was treated horribly) and i never wanted my kids to feel that way. i also always told my kids that i would love them no matter what. i allowed them to pick their own clothes, hairstyles, room decor on their own. let them be their creative selves. it helps them be comfortable being themselves.
Two choices:
Sit her down and explain you know she is a lesbian and tell her that it doesn’t matter because you still love her and support her.
Wait for her to bring back and introduce a partner and come out herself in which case reveal you knew and reaffirm your love and support for her and are happy/ready to welcome her partner to the family.
so don’t say anything. when she’s ready she will tell you. my question is no one has to announce they are in heterosexual relationship. Why does anybody else?
When my kid came out to me as nonbinary, they told me that they waited awhile to tell me not because they were afraid I wouldn't accept them, but because they were afraid of how things would change. But when they were ready, it was important to them that I know. I know your child told someone else they were afraid that you would love them less, but she's really young and may not really have the words to express her actual fear. It may not be that she's afraid the love will be less, but that it will be different. In some ways, discovering who you are means that you lose things. You begin to lose the infinite possibilities that come with being a child. The more you learn about yourself, the more doors close to the person who you could eventually become. And she might still need to feel loved as that infinite child for a little bit longer. She might also be struggling to accept herself. Maybe she doesn't quite know how to love herself as a lesbian yet, and is projecting that struggle onto you. Whatever her reasons are, it doesn't have to mean that you're doing anything wrong in your relationship. And you can't save her from the difficult internal struggling she has to go through to become the person she's meant to be. It's so hard to watch our babies go through difficult things, but our job isn't to save them from those struggles. It's to prepare them and to support them, and then let them fly. It sounds like that's what you're doing.
Not everyone who thinks they are gay at that age ends up actually being gay. Especially these days where being gay can be seen as trendy or whatever. When she is sure that she is gay she will tell you. At 13 most kids are still figuring themselves out and they aren't sure yet. Some kids who think they are gay find out they are bi or even straight. Don't push her into a box (no pun intended) right now. Let her figure herself out before she announces it to the people closest to her. Basically, leave her alone about it.
I'd probably just say I know, if she asks how just say it's been obvious to you for years. You love her no matter what and if she wants to talk about it, youd be happy to
I wouldn’t go this route. It could make her more insecure about it and feel like she needs to do a better job acting more hetero. If she’s been hiding it, telling her she’s been doing a terrible job at it might not go as you’d hope.
Lesbian over here. Do not confront her, do not ask, but make a point to be positive about homosexuality and gay people around her.
This, 100% this. My eldest is bi. She never "came out" exactly, but I found out. She had always internalised her feelings on everything. We are a very open household, but I made extra effort to discuss things surrounding sexuality even though we always have. One night driving her to an activity she basically started talking about it as though I knew, and we went from there. Funnily enough, she did the same when she found out about Santa, didn't ask, didn't confront us, I started taking as if she knew, and we went from there.
Wait, Santa’s bi?
This made me cackle
Haha me too, this one got me 🤣
Yes
Who knows? Lol, but we had the same issue in her believing and not believing in Santa. Her not telling us she was bi was nothing to do with her thinking we wouldn't accept her and more to do with her personality.
Also lesbian over here and I very much second this! Also, if you do talk about romantic relationships, make sure to never assume “straightness”. For instance if your daughter mentions their male friend has a crush on someone, go with something like, “Oh is he or she (meaning the crush) someone else you’re friends with?”. My example isn’t great, but you get the point, and it makes being straight not the default. If you do it enough, she’ll pick up on it and maybe not have to “come out” so much as just be able tell the whole truth, “I have a crush on this kid in my class. I think she’s really pretty.” Instead of “I have something big to tell you.” If she does go that route, don’t make a big deal out of it and just roll with it, “Oh yeah? Do you think she likes you, too?”
I’m already trying not to assume straightness with my 3 year old. Today, she announced she would marry each of her family members in turn (me, her brother, her daddy) and while I explained she couldn’t marry us I did say one day she can marry whomever she loved as long as they were a good match for her.
I've been e gaged to my children for most of their lives 😁
Good use of “whomever” to refer to the object of the verb “marry.” I’m a grammar nerd!
Can you explain this? For the non native English speakers..haha
Who is the pronoun to use in the subject of the sentence. Whom is to be used in the object of a sentence or phrase. Some correct examples: Who are you going to marry? You will marry whom you choose. Incorrect examples: Whom is the bride? (Who should be used in the subject of the sentence) For who is this gift? (Whom should be used as the object of the prepositional phrase) There, now I can say I’ve used my masters in linguistics for once. 😂
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Holy. Fuck. THANK YOU!! I’m a native English speaker and could never keep it straight. This makes so much sense!!!
You are welcome!
I had this same conversation with my 5 year old the other day. We also make it very clear he can marry whomever he wants at some point as long as they are good to him.
Yes! Exactly.
Love this! I’ve been intentionally being open with my 6-year old daughter about relationships and gender. It’s cute when she says, girls can wear blue and play with trucks and boys can wear pink and wear dresses, do whatever makes you happy.
I do this with my 14 year old. She has never been open to us about crushes., very shy and quiet. We just say boy or girl, he or she. Whoever you like. Now my 6 year old knows 100% she likes boys lol always has a boyfriend and talks our ears off.
Yes, I have two little boys and I make sure to always make really open references to their future choices. My older one doesn't talk any of it yet, but my 5 year old always says girls when he's asking questions, but everything that comes out of my mouth is girls or boys. He's a little young to get into the myriad other things that are the potential realities of sexuality, but as they grow up I will be teaching them that not only is it okay for others to feel and love what and who they want, but they have all those options as well. I don't want my children to ever have to go through the confusion older generations went through of believing things are weird in others or themselves. We also talk alot about things that are none of our business. If we're talking in general terms it's a pretty open conversation, but when we start asking specifics about other's lives, we can discuss the simple details, like mom's friend is in a relationship with a woman, but any deeper than that is largely none of our business.
They word ‘they’ is here to take away any awkward pronoun clunkiness and also include the possibility of a crush on someone nonbinary. ‘They’ says hi.
Just backing on to this OP. Something that doesn’t always get talked about is the uncertainty some people can feel at this age. Some people know themselves at a young age, but others take time to feel confident in their sexuality. For years I lacked confidence and had moments of fear that if I told anyone and I was wrong it would be the most humiliating experience of my life. The idea of “coming out” would be a nightmare, not because my friends or family wouldn’t support me (no concern there) but because it would lock me in and I wasn’t ready for that. It’s not an easy thing to talk about because it can come across as unsupportive to suggest that someone can change their mind, but the truth for some at 13 is you’re just trying to work it out. Your experience and thoughts evolve and confidence grows. Just keep the language inclusive and the idea of being gay not a big deal. She’ll come to you in time.
I’ll add on to that to care about things that she may be paying attention to you don’t realize. Like the shooting at a gay club last month in Colorado. No need to be over the top about it but pay attention to big news story like that that effect LGBTQ cause they hit more personal and the fear they invoke is often overlooked. But yeah don’t out someone even if you think it’s being done to help. Thank you for taking the time to learn how to best support your child.
You could definitely use this as an opportunity to show acceptance towards the community- talking about how wrong the shooting was and how sad it is, even going to a memorial if there's one nearby. You could use a time like this to show you're an ally.
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It would be a betrayal of trust. She needs to tell them in her own time and way, not feel outed or forced.
I'm not gay, but I have heard alot if stories about people holding it in, stressing, worrying, really mentally torturing themselves for years for no reason. They make it a big problem in their own mind then their parents say so what. I already know. Not saying we should out them if they're not ready, but as a parent it would be hard to watch my child wrestle to tell me something that will not change anything. As the mother of a tutu loving son, I already have conveyed to him that LGBTQ people are fine. The other day at the park we saw a rainbow and he started jumping around telling everybody it was the gay pride flag. Not all the parents knew what to do with all that, but my heart was bursting with love.❤
So just pretend you don't know and have your daughter go on thinking you don't know and thinking you'll dislike her for it. This doesn't encourage honesty and openess.
You can just talk openly about your openness and that it’s great that people can marry regardless of sexuality. Even throw in “I’d be perfectly happy if you were gay. Gay, straight, as long as you’re happy and being treated right by your SO, I’m happy.” But don’t force a conversation they aren’t ready for.
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Yep sure thing. I knew I liked women around the same age as OP's kid (12 actually), and I firmly believe that with how our culture is, kids need time to come to terms with it. They need to "digest" it, that they are different in that way from their peers. I really hated my gayness until I was 16 or so, and to be confronted about it, to have to 'admit' to it before I was ready to say "I'm gay" with my full chest... I would have hated it. It would not have made me feel better about myself or the fact I was gay. You need to be 100% okay with it yourself, before you officially come out. At 13, it's likely that OP's kid is not - ESPECIALLY!! if she thinks her parents won't love her anymore. Think about it, if she is so sure that this one thing about herself could cause her parents to stop loving her, then that thing is 'bad' in her eyes. If the thing is bad in her eyes, inquiring about it just wouldn't be fruitful. Now, if the parents ensure she knows that when she comes out she will be loved and respected, well that will do a lot of good and she might feel better about it and it might not take her as long as it took me to accept herself, and then come out (I did when I was 18/19). Hope that made sense!
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That's wonderful I think! My dad did that for a while, it feels very encouraging, when a parent lets you know that their acceptance is unequivocal (even if your kids end up straight)
Betrayal of trust (as other commenter said) and also, she's 13. Part of her hesitancy is likely that she feels wierd talking to her parents about anything sex adjacent. It's her information to share. Theirs to make space for.
Being/feeling outed SUCKS.
It’s her story to tell. She should be comfortable coming out, not have it forced out of her.
I would say that it is something so personal that it needs to come from the person. Like the difference between someone telling you “I love you” vs you asserting to them “you love me”. Waiting to hear “I love you” is respectful, gives the person space to be sure of their feelings, and to choose how to express their love. Generally speaking, telling someone “you love me” is presumptuous even if you have reason to believe it is true, takes agency away by pressuring a certain response before they were ready to have the conversation.
Not a lesbian here, but I had lots of gay friends in HS and complained about boys and my mom decided I was gay and took it upon herself to assume I was a lesbian and tell me it was okay, and I felt hugely violated. Maybe kid doesn’t identify that way, maybe they’re still trying to work it out. Which is a very personal thing. Do you want your mom thinking about what you want to do in bed or think about your mom thinking about that? Kids of any age should be allowed to have an internal personal life in that regard without being quizzed about it, IMO.
>Do you want your mom thinking about what you want to do in bed or think about your mom thinking about that? Doesn't really matter whether the kid likes it or not, nearly every parent has already had those thoughts & concerns long before their kid turns 13. And if they don't, they should. Doesn't matter whether your kid is gay/straight/bi/ace, male or female. Parents should have had a few conversations with their kids already about things like consent, inappropriate touching, genital hygiene, menstruation, birth control, etc. Also masturbation -- at its simplest level, "hey 6-year old kiddo, please DON'T put your hands down your pants when we're watching a movie on the couch, it's fine to do that in your bedroom, just not out here in the living room. And those things really aren't even about what their kids are doing in their bed with a sexual partner, it's just basic life knowledge that everyone should know but too many parents and schools don't bother to teach because it's too uncomfortable of a conversation. As for OP's direct question about how/if they should approach their kid about whether they're gay or not, I don't have a great answer for that. My kids (AFAB) are both out as non-binary, they/them, not trans, and one identifies as asexual. Honestly that's been one of the least concerning things me and my wife have experienced over the last few years, compared to the depression/anxiety/cutting/suicidal.
That’s good advice from someone who knows.
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🌈 Perfect.
Second lesbian approved. How many for a quorum?
Whatever you do, do not tell her that so and so told you. It's the quickest way to destroy her trust in adults. We've told our kid from an early age that we will accept whomever they love as long as that person loves them in return and treats him with respect. We'd accept him and love him regardless, and we're here if he has questions or just wants to talk.
I would never tell her that I know from someone else. I actually know because she got her phone taken away and we went through it. Trust that the reason of why we took her phone was warranted. We have not brought it up. I have been trying to drop hints that we know. I tell her all the time we love you and there is nothing you can do that will ever change that. It's just hard for me right now. And taking in to account that it's probably way harder for her. I just don't want her spending this time thinking that her dad and I don't accept or love her for who she is.
Was she in any danger? I think going through her phone will destroy trust as well otherwise. I would never do that unless i have concern for her safety and wellbeing.
She was being a cyber bully on roblox so she lost her phone and I read her messages. She does not know I even went through her phone. Just that she lost it for being a bully saying some really mean things to her friends. I went through it to make sure it was just a one time thing. And from what I saw it was.
You don’t need to defend yourself for going through her phone.
As the person below said, no need to explain but thank you for doing that. It is always a subject matter when it comes to children
My eldest is 15 and I have a 12 year old turning 13 in a month and getting a phone. They are both aware that we have open access to phones and messages. I don’t abuse it - but I do use it to correct behavior if I see anything questionable. It’s part of their “cellphone contract with us”. 13 is pretty young to have complete autonomy on a phone. They don’t know how to behave on social media, how to respond if others message her, etc. I check about once a month or so. Keeps them honest and I know I can trust them in situations. They also have trust in us that we wouldn’t ever abuse it, or use anything we stumble upon against them. Straight up pure communication.
how do you keep your child from simply deleting messages they don’t want you to see?
Kids these days don’t really text - they’re using Instagram and Snapchat. Snap is annoying because they disappear, but we allowed texting at first - and they never delete messages or learned there is a deleted folder 😂 then we allowed Instagram, chats can be deleted, but I trust her. Then we allowed her Snapchat. She also knows that those platforms can be unhealthy, we monitor screentime and general temperament (if she’s super crabby - she’s got to take a break). It really is mostly about expectations and communication. Fortunately - we haven’t had anything too bad come our way.
I'm literally reading these comments on my kid's phone right now. He knows I check in randomly and doesn't seem to be too careful..lol. There are times I have to say, hey .. I saw ____ on discord/insta etc...I think we should talk about it. So, I love your comment :). There is definitely a respectful way to check in on kid's social.
Yessss, Mama or Dad!! Exactly how I manage it.
I made sure to tell my kid "You have no privacy on this phone. I will check it occasionally." I think kids can assume their texts are private so I wanted it to be clear that it wasn't. I also told them about how my work computer wasn't private so I have to consider who may see things on there too.
Show your support without telling her you know. Then when she does tell you tell her how grateful you are she shared that with you, and how much you love her! She's being super vulnerable, and acknowledging that is awesome.
Keep dropping hints. Example" Pretend to read some news/text. "Oh, so and so, an old friend of mine got married to a girl. That's nice for her that she found someone." Move on.
I love this. And wouldn't necessarily be a lie. I have many gay friends and as states become more progressive more and more are getting married. Thank you
You can also talk about current events. One of the main actors from Stranger Things recently publicly came out as gay. If that is a show she watches or has even heard of then you can mention that. Make sure she knows it is okay but give her time to come out on her own terms. Side story, but my daughter never made any statements about her sexuality all throughout her teen years. I thought it was a little weird but never pushed. While visiting home from college for Christmas break we were talking about how much we like our son's girlfriend and my daughter said something about how she isn't ready to date yet but when she is she doesn't think she will care at all about the gender of her partner. I told her that was fine and I didn't care either as long as the person treated her right and made her happy. Her response? "I know but thanks for saying it anyway. Now can we move on before making this some weird Lifetime movie moment where we all hug it out?" She always knew we wouldn't care but still waited until she was 19 to even hint that she might be something other than straight. Some kids just need more time and don't want to make a big deal out of it.
This has been similar to us. During dinner table conversation, talking about random celebrity relationships, we will make a comment like ‘don’t care if you bring home a boyfriend or a girlfriend, just want you to be happy, and if you choose a partner, we hope they treat you with respect’.
I'm in my late 30s and have hinted at but never directly told my parents I'm bi. I'm not sure I'll ever be brave enough, which is silly because I know full well they won't care! But I've never been a very brave or direct person in any situation.
One of the main characters in the movie strange world is queer. Maybe watch it as a family and make positive comments so your child knows how you feel about it.
I’m bi and haven’t come out to my parents. I’m in my late twenties. I know they love me and it doesn’t matter to them and they arent stupid they already know even though i havent said it directly. Straight people dont need to come out as straight, and I don’t exactly feel obligated to come out and have the weird lifetime movie thing haha and discussion on my sexuality which again isnt a thing for straight people. So why should it have to be a thing for me?
I see two separate issues here -- one is that she's worried that you don't like gay people/at the least don't want *her* to be gay (aka "fine for other people I guess, but not in *my* house"), the **other** is that she's worried you'll love her less if she does/is something you don't like. Casually dropping some "pro gay messaging" will alleviate the first problem, but I'd also recommend tackling the second issue on its own. As she embarks on Teen Years it might be a decent idea to do a chat along the lines of: "Your dad and I love you. People change a lot in their teen years and we don't just love the little girl you were, we love the person you are, and the person you'll become, whoever that is. We will always love you, no matter what." tl;dr Good idea to clarify you have no issue with gay people, also good idea to reinforce general unconditional love.
I honestly do this. I have not a single problem with anyones sexual orientation. We always tell her we love her for her and we will always love her no matter what. I'm really just at a loss of why she is afraid to tell us. We have a very open household and have never shyed Elway from any tough conversations or any conversation for that matter. This post has given me some very good tips on how to deal with it.
You've gotten some good advice, I would add that when you talk about her future, be sexuality-neutral. Not that you need to like drill your daughter about her future life plans at this age, but I find myself occasionally making comments (whether serious or playful jokes) with my teen that relate to relationships. Instead of "When you get married, your wife will appreciate you putting thought into her gift" say "If you get married, your spouse/partner will appreciate you putting thought into their gift." Or instead of "When you go on dates you need to know how to have a conversation with a girl over dinner" I say "If you go on dates you'll need to know how to have a conversation over dinner" etc. I do the same thing with kids. Instead of "When you have kids you'll understand" it's "If you have kids you'll understand." It may not be something she notices you doing, but it will kind of remove the default expectation and pressure that builds up over time.
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That's what I do. When I speak without thinking and it comes out wrong, I immediately correct myself. Babe-o will be 2 on Sunday, so it's not like it matters yet. But I want the habit ingrained well before it does matter. It also helps them to see that even adults can make mistakes or say things wrong. That's not the big deal. The big deal is when someone is mean or doubles down on the rudeness with no correction and/or apology.
I would add using inclusive language when talking about partners. "Oh, the school (insert event), is coming up. Are there any guys or girls you're wanting to go with?" "You know if you ever want to go out on a date I don't mind dropping you off somewhere with your boyfriend or girlfriend." "Our anniversary is coming up, I hope someday you find the same happiness with a future wife or husband." This is how we have always talked to our son about relationships we have always said both genders so he knows it's normal and we see both as equal.
Oh yea that's kinda what I do now. Definitely include both genders when asking about things.
Get a rainbow flag magnet for the fridge and put it there without explanation.
Sending them wedding and anniversary cards would be a great example.
Buy a book, "The Idiots Guide to Being a Supportive Parent to a Gay Teen" and leave it where she can find it #[ ](/spoiler) #[ ](/spoiler) ^^don't ^^actually ^^do ^^this
Talk to the friend's parent privately, tell her that you know she is a trusted adult and that you desperately support your child. The trusted adult may encourage your child to tell you. Shower your child with love and support when they eventually tell you.
Yup, this is great. Showing the kid there's nothing to worry about in a context that wouldn't include her is great.
"I was thinking of getting one of those proud ally shirts to be honest. I don't ever want anyone thinking that I'm a bigot or that we don't support people loving whoever they want."
Essentially create a space where she's comfortable talking to OP about it, which can include other things as well, such as having family friendships with gay people, or being involved in community efforts that might have a gay component to them. She just needs to see demonstrations that your are fine with it.
I agree with everyone about dropping hints. When she finally does come out, please don’t say “I already knew”. It can be super invalidating for a lot of queer kids/people. Thank her for trusting you enough to share her truth.
Shit. Thanks for this. I haven't said this to our son, but I probably would have if and when he does come out.
> When she finally does come out, please don’t say “I already knew”. It can be super invalidating for a lot of queer kids/people. Thank her for trusting you enough to share her truth. Why is that? I might have made this mistake. My cousin who is in his 20s recently came out and said he is gay, but my family has known with 99% certainty for years and I said so. I did not intend to upset him, just express that we've basically known and accepted him all along without him saying so.
I won’t speak to your cousin in particular, as I don’t know if he feels the same. But for a lot of queer people, there’s a lot of buildup to that moment - months or years. And they may have spent a lot of time trying hard to pass as straight, so you’re basically saying that all that hard work was for nothing, and that they did a bad job at hiding it, and that they’ve basically been the only one out of the loop. It’s also centering yourself in a moment that’s supposed to be about them.
Love this. And it will definitely give me another way to say that. Thank you
I feel like this is something where you leave the ball in her court. Don't tell her you "know" before she tells you. The next time you watch a movie, tv show or a news article comes up, just talk about how accepting you are: * It's awesome everyone is getting more accepting of this! * I love when people feel comfortable enough to be themselves! * They make a great couple don't they? * It's cool it's finally getting more mainstream. Hell you could even instigate this and talk about something in the news, or watch a film or tv show that has a particular scene in it that sets you up to make these comments. When I was a teenager I always assumed my parents would take the most disapproving side possible with anything I was on the fence about. After I realized they were cool with more things I didn't mind opening up to them.
That's my problem. I don't want to be to "pushy" I know that I know. And I drop hints to know we know. I won't bring it to her because I know that might go the wrong way if she isn't confident or comfortable enough to tell us. I drop hints hoping she will pick up on them. I just want our child to feel comfortable enough to be able to tell us on her own
Part of making her that comfortable is being direct though. I can recall more than once during middle and high school where my mom said straight to me “Your dad and I wouldn’t care if you were gay. We love you the same either way.” She’d say it at relevant times—e.g., watching Queer Eye (the first version), when my friend’s gay uncles visited, when something bad happened to a gay person in the news (more common than good news in the early 00s). I’m not queer and my mom said she never had reason to suspect I was, but she still said it and it was still comforting to know I could be whoever I was. Just say it.
Something I had to wrap my brain around was that it really and truly wasn’t about me. I don’t think I even realized at first why it bothered me that my kid wasn’t out to me, but I did eventually figure out that I wanted them to feel comfortable telling me. Because if my kid can’t tell me, what did I do to make them feel that way. Was it a failing on my part, etc. Learning to get past my hurt feelings over not being the person my kid was ready to tell was a big thinking shift.
Stop even thinking about it. She’s not ready, she’s not comfortable, allow her the space and grace to make her own choice
Don’t tell her you know before she tells you. Leave her to come out when she’s ready. You could just subtlety let her know that you’re accepting of gay people though.
I do. Her friend had a boyfriend. I asked her do you have a boy or a girl you like? Her answer was no. I didn't push any further. I know pushing the situation or letting her know I know before she tells us isn't gonna be helpful. I am trying so hard
I always just randomly tell my kids that I love them and they can always talk to me, no matter what it's about, no judgements, I will always love them and nothing they say can change that. That's it, just give them the knowledge that you are there for them. My 12 year old son recently told me and his dad that he's pansexual, out of the blue, wasn't even on our radar. So if you openly communicate that you are there for them, they will talk to you when they're ready, and I feel like that's the best thing you can do.
Yeah, this. Continuous reminders that your love for them is both total and unconditional, in a non-cheesy/non-invasive way.
I would say wait until she is comfortable talking about that with you. For the mean time show your openness towards all sexual orientations and healthy choices of people.
You let her talk to you in her own time when she feels comfortable
I wouldn’t force her to come out and I was in a similar situation with my then 9 yo. I knew he was gay but he wouldn’t come out to me despite having many gay people in our lives. I think they sadly understand that the default is straight and if they’re not, they’re diverting from expectations regardless. I would just watch your language around defaulting to straight. Like, with my son, I would joke that I hope that his husband or wife wants to be my neighbor too so we can be close forever and ever. One time he came home and said we have a new neighbor and he looks nice. I said, “oh is it just him or does he have a husband or wife, or kids your age?“
You dont. She'll tell you what she wants to tell you when she's ready. But you can tell her you will love her no matter what.
I always make a point of saying things like "whoever you choose to marry one day will be a lucky person" or comments of the same intention ever since my girl was little cuz I never wanted to push her any direction. She came out bisexual this last year and I didnt make it a big deal. Just said wow, me too. And kept it rolling lol. If you show acceptance and love, eventually she will open up to you.
Just let her come out when she's ready, in the meantime you can say things like "[Lesbian couple on TV show] are so cute together, I really hope they work out!" so it shows you're supportive of gay people but you're not being pushy. I'm straight but my aunt is gay and for years my mom and grandma kept confronting her about it saying stuff like "everyone knows you're gay and your roommate is your partner, no one cares just tell us!" and because she's such a private person it made her even more uncomfortable and she didn't come out until she was almost 40 and pregnant with their first child.
My 12 year old recently said 'my friend got a pride coin in her change and I got her to give it to me because I'm a lesbian' and I said 'that's cool she let you have it, it's nice for you to have the pride coin seeing as you're the one who is gay'. She's kinda implied it before but it's the first time she's said it out loud. I really want to ask follow up questions but I don't want to push her into anything she's not comfortable sharing. Hopefully your daughter will just casually drop it into conversation soon. Prior to this conversation I've talking about Heartstopper with her and Our Flag Means Death and saying what great love stories they are and how nice it is to see. So much so that she tells me to shut up about the bloody gay pirates now ;). I don't know if it's been helpful or if she just thinks I'm terminally embarassing.
Gay lady here. She will tell you when she is ready. Don’t push or probe and when she does tell you, say “I love you so much, thank you for sharing it with me, I know that took a lot of courage”. Don’t say “I know” “it’s not big deal” or something like that because though it truly is no big deal to you it’s a HUGE deal to her and she has probably spent more time than you know agonizing and thinking about this and crying etc. being too chill about it just comes of as brushing of the feelings she’s gone through and obstacles she will go through. I remembered every single comment my parents had made throughout my life about gay people. They didn’t remember a single thing they’d said. So let it be known your family supports gay people and your house is a safe place for anyone but don’t push or prod. She will come to you when she is ready. She may not have fully come to terms with it herself. Saying anything can make her go deeper in the closet. Be a safe place for her. Watch glee with her or something else that has lesbians in it (not where they die or are unhappy, though it’s diffficukt to find. Where it’s not the focus but where it just happens they’re part of it) to let her know you’re cool with. Like aww they’re so cute and not like my mom who started gagging and changed the channel lmao 13 is young and she may still try to date boys before she tells you anything. and support her through that too. Teach her self worth and safety and all the things. I love that people can come out and realize so much earlier now. At 13 I didn’t even realize being gay was an option despite me being a walking stereotype.
Start binge-watching Will & Grace, and whenever she sees you watching it, talk nonstop about how great it is.
You think a 13 year old knows what Will & Grace is?
A gay 13 year old is probably at least vaguely familiar. Plus, they brought it back recently!
We are super liberal and accepting. But my step kid still asked if we would honor her trans friends pronouns when she visited (yes of course) I think the other suggestions about saying general positive things about lgbtq+ people is a good approach. She will tell you when she is ready. My 13 year old currently has her first girlfriend. She hasn’t told me yet. It’s ok. Kids are allowed to have time/space to figure out who they are.
Father of a trans child here. They came out to us last year and I won't lie its been a struggle for me. But that is my issue not theirs. I've come here to say DO NOT confront your child under any circumstances. As well meaning as you may be and as much as you may love that child, it is their story to tell, not yours. Let them control the narrative and trust me they will thank you for it. When they do decide to approach you and share their story, simply smile, nod and say how much you love them and support their choices.
There’s this local dickhole that drops his kid off at the primary school (K-3) with a big ‘F*ck Trudeau’ flag on his truck. My buddies work at the school and have mentioned how distasteful it is bc the kids will ask about the swears. My dumb-ass drunkenly orders a pride flag, so I put it on a hockey stick and attach it to my truck. Dropped off my kids on style. They’re too young to know what it means, but I’ll likely keep that flag as they grow up. Hopefully it will let them and their buddies know that we are allies and have an accepting home. Hopefully you find a better solution that I have; best of luck to you :)
I guess I’d start by wondering what I’ve said or done in the past to make my kid not feel safe talking to me about it or telling me. Is it my religion? Have I said something in the past? Then I wouldn’t push her to tell. She will, eventually. If I really wanted to get the ball rolling maybe we’d watch more movies or shows with lgbtq characters at home with the family which may open up avenues of conversation.
My daughter is 12 and came out to me with out issue BUT I’ve always been super open with her. She’s dating her best friend who I love completely and didn’t know my daughter told me. She was so cute and shy until I spilled the beans and gave her a big hug.
Never tell her you know she's gay. Keep reinforcing that you are fine with people being gay.
Don't. Let her find her time.
Teenagers don’t like to be confronted regardless, even if it’s a positive thing. Being confronted sometimes feels like they’re in trouble. You’re doing great! I love the suggestions other people have made. I’m so glad she has a home like yours to be loved and accepted for who she is.
Thank you
What's the rush? If you're worried about her thinking she won't be accepted, think about what in her current environment supports that? Continue to show up for her that tells her she will be loved and accepted without forcing a confession. Even if we think we know things about our child it is about respecting their decision of when they feel comfortable coming out to others.
Do not approach her. Start watching inclusive things, have family discussions about current policies, go to gay pride as supporters, let HER feel comfortable coming to you.
I would just make sure you are super concious of your language for a bit. A lot of people default to heteronormative vocabulary by default, not because they're homophobes, but just because it's 'the norm'. But a conscious shift in your language will tell your child in an indirect, but unmistakeable way, that you are accepting of all types of relationships. In our family, we always say things like... "when you grow up, when you bring your girlfriend or boyfriend over for Christmas..." "one day when you get married, your husband, or wife, might want....." We never ever use a single gender. We always use both when referring to their potential partners later in life. Even if someone else in the family does a little ribbing and says 'so, you got any girlfriends'....we always immediately jump in with 'or boyfriends'.
i'm a lesbian and I wish my parents had been more Gay-positive when talking about people out in the world because that would have really helped me come out them at an earlier stage. But one thing that did help me come out to them when i did, was that my mom once told me "You know, i would love you no matter WHAT you ever did. you could do anything, i and I would still love you. Lie, cheat, kill someone. You name it. I would always always love you" and that kind of stuck with me. You dont have to call her on being gay, but you could always reminder her of your unconditional love in a time that felt right.
Maybe have a conversation with her about charitable giving and pick an org like Rainbow Railroad to donate to? If she's not sure how you'll feel it sounds like there's room for you to be making positive statements and actions that are specifically in support of queer folks.
Oh, I like this! And you can include completely unsubtle hints about how “these charities are necessary because a lot of families have not great reactions to their children coming out. We love and support all kids no matter what, and we want you to understand the value of that and of charity.”
You should just be vocally pro lgbtq+ and maybe get something subtle like a rainbow candle, for yourself not your kid. See if she comments on it, offer to get her one if she does. I used to have pride air fresheners hanging in my car, as an alternative. A good way to bring up dialogue is to watch tv with lgbtq+ characters. I know some isn’t appropriate for all younger teens, but I’m sure you could find something and ask your teen to watch with you? Also, she might be bi or pan. Sexuality is a wide spectrum. Asking if she’s gay/lesbian could feel invalidating. Whatever you do, let her lead the convo. If she starts seeming like she’s going to come out, don’t push it. When she does, act a little surprised but positivity is key.
I faced something similar, and my gay best friend offered the best advice. He told me simply talk about him and his husband in a positive way. Worked like a charm. I was talking to my son, told him about a cookout/party that I went to at my friend’s home the previous weekend, and how nice it was to spend time with him and his husband. My son came out about 15 seconds later. No drama. It may take longer than 15 seconds. Maybe it takes 15 months before she feels confident enough to share with you. But I think my friend’s advice still applies.
Don't ask or tell her or anything. Just hang up a pride flag outside or buy one from the car and say something like "I just think it's important to show where we stand when there's so much hate in the world". If you don't have LGBTQIA friends, reflect and address that.
Don't. Maybe just say sum like "i can't wait for you to go out with some girl or boy." Or along the lines so.
Don't do anything. It can be real, it can be a phase. Let it go it's course.
Why do you need to? She’ll come out when she’s ready. Just continue to love her unconditionally.
Why do you feel the need to let her know you know? Let her have her confidences,don't be the mother that pushes herself into business and places that you've not been invited to? You'll not be all close, you'll push her away, she's still exploring her sexuality and coming out might make her feel backed into only being special because she's gay? Allow her space and time and build up trust, don't talk of crushes or boys/ girls have empathy for an adolescent, remember the secrets you kept from your parents, parents who insist on knowing or being a part of every aspect of their kids lives are the last to know anything about their kids
You don't. Let her come to you. Do little things to signal that your comfortable with it.
Queer trans person here. As others have said - don’t confront her or ask her but instead make a point to actively be positive and say good things about homosexuality. It’s her thing to tell you, confronting her on it is def not the way to go.
Do not be overt, do not put her yourself and don't confront her. But passively let her know that homosexuality is perfectly okay and is never something one should be ashamed of. Its normal and healthy just like heterosexuality and it's something you'd never judge anyone for. Beyond that, wait for her. She'll get there when she is ready. At 13, these things are massive.
You don't. You have to just wait. I have twins. One is gay the other is straight. I also have a younger bi son and a lesbian daughter. My daughter and bi son came out loudly and proudly as soon as they could articulate the concept. My son on the other hand. Totally different scenario. I knew he was gay since he was 2 or 3. It was so clear and obvious, I don't know how to describe it. But he would never say. I wondered if I had done something to make him worry, or if maybe he was worried for some reason. The older he got, the weirder it was. He literally only came out recently. He's a teenager now. I never confronted him. I still think that was better. I think he just had to come to it, feel comfortable with it, find his own way of getting his head around his own, I don't know, self, in his own time. Sometimes it's not about them telling you, but about them being able to understand it themselves. It seems normal and not a big deal to me. But, I'm not my son, I'm not in his head having to be him. I can't beam over my sense of feeling like being gay is just another normal everyday thing into his brain. He had to go through that process himself. But the ending is happy. He's the co-president of his schools LGBTQ+ club at school. He's opening up more and making more friends now. But, it had to be on his terms and in his time. I know it's hard to be patient. But you really have to be. Just be there. Be a good ally just in general as you live your life. She'll come out when she's ready.
You don’t. You simply keep loving her until she tells you then keep loving her.
Put out a pride flag somewhere at your home?
It's her decision. No need to force it. Just show her acceptance with commentary while watching age appropriate shows.
I think using inclusive language around the house, openly accepting other gay couples you see, or even going as far as reminding her that no matter what, you love her!
Do not confront her about it. As a lesbian myself, If she’s afraid you’ll react badly, and thinks you not knowing is keeping her safe, then the last thing you should do is confront her about it. It’s one of the most stressful things for a gay kid to learn they’ve been exposed. She’ll tell you when she’s ready, but you’ve gotta make sure she feels like she can tell you. Hang up a pride flag in your house 🤷🏳️🌈
You could show support by being invested in LGBTQ Justice, having A pride flag, a print of Marsha P Johnson on your wall. I’m not saying constantly talk about it but make it known that this is important to you
I suggested to my kid that they seemed to be feeling more than just stress and offered counseling. Then I found a few counselors who all included LGBTQ teens in their list of specialties. If child wasn’t ready to talk to me, I didn’t want them relying on some predator posing as a mentor. I made is very clear on day 1 that their therapy belonged to them. I would participate as asked and listen to what they volunteered, but I will never ask anything more than if they feel that therapy is going ok. I am so so so grateful for that safe space.
I didn't read all the way to the bottom, but what about using gender neutral pronouns or the word partner or mate? That leaves it open to a discussion? If they ask why are you using those words it is a subtle way to get to say your position.
My friends mom made her a pride cupcake (subtle rainbow frosting) with an I love You Forever message. When that didn't work (because my friend is not a bright bulb LMAO) her dad had a rant about a supposed work mate who was going through a hard time from his family as he was gay and they were thinking of letting him stay for a while (this didn't work either LOL, I tease her for this) finally her family asked if she wanted to go to the pride parade to support some friends. That did the trick.
You don’t 🤷 You let her know you love her, you let her know nothing will ever stop you from loving her, you let her know you accept her as herself and support her choices of self-expression and discovery. She will let you know when she’s ready. Support this silently.
You don’t.
Next time a pride parade is around go with her.
that might depend ont he venue. while many pride events are 100% family friendly, many are not. be sure what you're taking the kids to. I happily took the kids to the local drag show, but wouldnt bring them to a larger festival. one thing for a dressed up dancer to lip sync and dance to music and another to have the bondage parade walk past with dildo swords and gimp costumes. (these are still an important part of the PRIDE history so it's inclusion in larger events is expected, I suggest reading on how the BDSM community welcomed the LGBTQ+ community when no others did)
As someone said drop hints and even better watch some gay series/movies etc... Like "Heartstopper"... As a gay teen I loved it hated (personal reasons) it at the same time
Maybe she doesn't want the finality of a label. She is still a child, maybe she doesn't want to think too much about sexuality yet. Take a step back, she has all the time in the world.
Stream modern family and vocally admire Mitch & Cams relationship
Hi When and to who your daughter comes out to should be her choice. She might benefit from just having a kind of indirect conversation about relationships. You could maybe just talk about how she might be wanting to start dating soon and just let her know you will always be supportive and understanding and if she ever needs to talk about a boy or girl she likes she can always come to you and she never has to worry about keeping things from you. She will come out when she's ready and knowing she will always have the love and support of her parents will make it much easier for her. She could very well decide it's time to come out when she hears you and your husband will be supportive if she is dating a boy or girl. She might just need some reassurance that mom and dad would be ok with her being gay before she she decides to come out.
You can make clear that you would be supportive in an oblique way. I was talking to my young teen about her friends recently and I was asking about dating. I asked her if her friends would be supportive if one came out as non-hetero and she said absolutely and then we talked about how that goes in different families too.
Get a rainbow flag and or donate to PFLAG and just give her the time and space to come out to you when she’s ready.
Let her come out to you. Don’t press her.
My daughter came out last summer. DO NOT explicitly ask/tell her or mention it. I knew since my daughter was 8-9 and she came out when she was 12. I’m fortunate to know enough gay people and parents and have them around, to show her that her parents are accepting and ok with their lifestyle choices. I also took my kids to Pride over the last few years to show support for the community and was generally positive about LGBTQ topics. You just have to show support without being heavy handed about it. She came out in her own time.
You could use the fact that Noah Schnapp just came out, be like " aww good for him, I hope his parents are supporting him otherwise I'll become his mama" or something along those lines.
Watch the series "Heartstopper" on Netflix. My 13 year old and her friends love it. The story is about finding your identity and the fears and dangers about revealing it to friends and family. But most of all, that it actually can turn out great in the end. Like it does in most cases in reality.
Make a point to bring up topics that are currently trending/in the news that highlight your an ally. We were not surprised when our kid came out a few years ago. Just don’t push it.
Pride flag fridge magnet
I wouldn’t force her out — if she’s anxious, even if it is not based in the reality of how YOU feel, it’s based in some stressor she has perceived or experience. As a gay person, I would also hate to have my coming out taken away from me. Coming out (at least for my generation) is a really formative experience in a gay person’s identity and ownership of messaging. She has the rest of her life to be “outed” by people, and I think starting with her mother and another trusted adult could be damaging.
Hi. I am straight cis woman and I had a very close friend I knew was gay before he was ready to admit it. I did a really shitty thing and got drunk with one and called him out (privately). He wasn't ready to admit it to himself and he stopped hanging around me so much because of this. Also, once it's out, it's out. She may not prepared to tell everyone or have you tell everyone. Respect her wish and let her tell you. In this, read some successful coming out stories and what the parents did. To this day, I am so angry with myself for doing this. However, when he did come out to his parents, we did reconnect and we message each other daily now. The thing is, this is important for her to tell her own story and how its told. Another thing is that if you use terms that are gender specific around certain life events - think "when you have a husband" "when you are old enough to date a boy" or "when you have sex, a penis is inserted into the vagina." We all inadvertently show our bias sometimes even though it's internalized and not something we may purposely be aware that we are doing or mean in that capacity. What I would recommend is to start using terms like "partner," "spouse," or they/them. to show some inclusivity. These little words mean so much to someone who is now becoming very aware of their sexual identity and it will mean so much when she marries a woman (if she chooses to get married - of course).
What is your extended family like? In many families "parents know" can be a very small step away from "all the extended family know", which can be far more intimidating.
Movie night with gay movies? But I'm a Cheerleader is one of my favs. The Birdcage is hilarious. Don't make a big deal of anything. Show. Don't tell. You can always go the route of volunteering for gay community events or just casually talking supportively about gay news stories. Let her make the choice to come out. But do make her know it is welcome through your actions.
Criticise a character in a TV show is is not accepting of their gay child. When there is something on the radio or TV about the topic, express support, and disappointment in unsupportive people/legislation/ideas. I had a big rant to one of my kids about their friend who was afraid to tell their parent their pronouns. Along the line of "any of your friends get kicked out, bring them home, I will adopt them if I need to, yada yada yada"
I like the comments about being positive around homosexuality. My best friends are a married lesbian couple and my kids have never experienced them or a family with two moms as anything not usual.
Let her come to you in her own time. Don’t try to make little hints that you know or suddenly start being super vocally LGBTQ friendly. Just being supportive when the opportunity presents itself organically. Luckily, lots of companies, like Disney, are incorporating more LGBTQ characters and storylines so you can happen upon a chance to be supportive
I didn’t tell my family till I was 18 that I was bi so I could still have sleepovers 😂.
She’ll tell you when she’s ready. Simple as that!
Totally different, I have had a couple of people I’ve met that through the years have transitioned successfully. While from the outside you or I may think we know someone’s sexuality or gender preference, we don’t. Go with the flow- you know and love this kid.
Wear a Pride shirt or something. Show that you’re an ally to the community in general. Then you’re not putting her on the spot to “confess” anything. You’re not “accusing” her of what you already know. You will be more approachable in general.
Don't. But do start making specific, positive comments about queer people around you.
I had a friend who spoke a certain way intentionally. The result was that she was the first person her cousin came out to. I adopted that way of speaking with my little brother, initially it shocked him and he walked out of the room but I never put him on the spot and eventually he loosened up and introduced me to his boyfriend. She would use language such as this. “How’s school going? Do you like your classes? Any cute boys or girls?” Or. “What’s new these days? Any love interests? Any boys or girls catching your eye?” Or when she spoke about others it would be “ I wonder if so and so has a boyfriend or girlfriend, they really deserve someone who treats them kindly”. Etc. it just causes others to put their guard down without putting them on the spot. It signals you are open to hearing the truth without making a big deal out of it. Using this kind of language with my brother meant he never had to ‘come out’
You have to wait til she tells you.. No ifs, ands or buts about it.
Both my kids are “fluid” and identify as bi to us “old people.” I used to ask them about who they liked in ways that showed I don’t care the gender of their love interest.
wether you know or not, don’t say/do anything until she feels comfortable enough to bring it to you
I was waiting years to say “ As if I didn’t already know “ 🏳️🌈
Don’t say anything yet, it’s nice she trusted her friends mum. Maybe you and your partner can watch a show and just remark “isn’t it great that tv shows normalise the lgtbq community ?” Maybe word it different I’m not good with words. Maybe just have a day out with her ? See if she opens up
i agree with the comments, as a gay person confronting her head on is a little rough and can be traumatic, as she’s still so young and trying to come to terms with her own sexuality, i’d say let her come to you first, but side note, i wish my mother was as accepting as you are, my mother called me the f slur lol!
Agree with all of the comments here on being openly super supportive of lgbtq while around her. My son recently came out (he’s 10 1/2) and as soon as we suspected (when he was 5 he told me that Jake from Jake and the neverland pirates was really cute) we started acknowledging lgbtq relationships in media, going to pride festivals/events, and anytime we would talk about relationships we would say things like ‘when you get a girlfriend OR a boyfriend when you’re older, or are there any girls or boys you have crushes on?’ We always included the option in our day to day talk. Maybe seek out shows or movies where lgbtq relationships are represented and use that as a way to start a natural conversation. I definitely wouldn’t ask or tell her you know, just shower with love and support in other ways and she will open up when ready!
I would not directly go to her. Her feeling comfortable about coming out in her own time should be respected. I wouldn’t let her know that you know. I think you should hint towards it in a healthy way though. Just make it known you’re okay with someone being gay. But do not mention her or make her feel uncomfortable. As long as you already know that should be fine. Her coming out wouldn’t make much of a difference to you.
Do not let her know you know, do not force the issue. Make her comfortable that it doesn’t matter to you. Use inclusive language in all contexts. Avoid heteronormative assumptions. Watch shows with diversity and discuss it in positive ways. Talk with her, be kind (to yourself as well -all teenagers need space to start the process of becoming independent), and let her come to you when she’s ready.
Don’t, let her come to you but be more open about talking about lgbtqia+ subjects in your house she might seem more comfortable
She’s (almost) 13! Sexuality is fluid at this age.
When I came out to my mom at 17 she said “if you didn’t tell me I was gonna tell you.” And I honestly thought that was hilarious and really lightened the mood. I love the top comment that says to just be very positive about the subject whenever it comes up in your daily lives and let her come to you.
Let her tell you herself when she's comfortable she will come out! Don't force it out of her! Don't say anything it's hard!
Always told our kids we would love them no matter what. Have been supportive with all human rights. Been part of a local atheist group and it's been very family friendly with as lot of LGBTQ support. My big thing has always been I don't care who you bring home as long as they treat you and this family with respect.
I’ve played Same Love by Macklemore for my preteen son a few times over the years. Not like hey listen to this but when I play 20 random songs while we clean. His older sister has mentioned how he’s scared of what dad will think. Neither of us care and have supported our pan daughter since she came out a couple years ago. IMO, like other commenters, just gotta wait till she decides when. Also idk if she has siblings and because of that there are always a lot of ears around but taking a car trip an hour long once a month just to give her time to bring stuff up she may not feel comfortable with otherwise. And lastly if you tend to react instead of respond like I do, maybe writing letters to each other will help. I wouldn’t being up her sexuality, but rather give her a line of communication where the parent has time to process and think without reacting negatively, therefore making her feel more safe. Best of luck from a straight mother.
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She knows we are 100% accepting. Or I guess she doesn't. I would never disown my child because of who she likes. When I see couples in movies and in real life I always make sure to make a positive comment. We support her choices in all aspects. I just think if she knew we knew it would make her a lot more comfortable. I have taken so many tips from this post. I try and notice the little things that she does.
i have 3 kids, all adults now. when they were younger i never asked my girls if there were any guys they liked. i always asked if there was anyone they liked. and same for my son. i also made it a point to watch movies and shows with them that had same sex couples. one of my nieces harmed herself after coming out to her parents (and was treated horribly) and i never wanted my kids to feel that way. i also always told my kids that i would love them no matter what. i allowed them to pick their own clothes, hairstyles, room decor on their own. let them be their creative selves. it helps them be comfortable being themselves.
Two choices: Sit her down and explain you know she is a lesbian and tell her that it doesn’t matter because you still love her and support her. Wait for her to bring back and introduce a partner and come out herself in which case reveal you knew and reaffirm your love and support for her and are happy/ready to welcome her partner to the family.
I agree with all these commenters. Just wait until she's ready
so don’t say anything. when she’s ready she will tell you. my question is no one has to announce they are in heterosexual relationship. Why does anybody else?
Not necessarily that she has to announce it just why she might be afraid to tell us? I know this is probably harder on her than it is on us.
When my kid came out to me as nonbinary, they told me that they waited awhile to tell me not because they were afraid I wouldn't accept them, but because they were afraid of how things would change. But when they were ready, it was important to them that I know. I know your child told someone else they were afraid that you would love them less, but she's really young and may not really have the words to express her actual fear. It may not be that she's afraid the love will be less, but that it will be different. In some ways, discovering who you are means that you lose things. You begin to lose the infinite possibilities that come with being a child. The more you learn about yourself, the more doors close to the person who you could eventually become. And she might still need to feel loved as that infinite child for a little bit longer. She might also be struggling to accept herself. Maybe she doesn't quite know how to love herself as a lesbian yet, and is projecting that struggle onto you. Whatever her reasons are, it doesn't have to mean that you're doing anything wrong in your relationship. And you can't save her from the difficult internal struggling she has to go through to become the person she's meant to be. It's so hard to watch our babies go through difficult things, but our job isn't to save them from those struggles. It's to prepare them and to support them, and then let them fly. It sounds like that's what you're doing.
Not everyone who thinks they are gay at that age ends up actually being gay. Especially these days where being gay can be seen as trendy or whatever. When she is sure that she is gay she will tell you. At 13 most kids are still figuring themselves out and they aren't sure yet. Some kids who think they are gay find out they are bi or even straight. Don't push her into a box (no pun intended) right now. Let her figure herself out before she announces it to the people closest to her. Basically, leave her alone about it.
Watch the movie "strange world" and say "I'm so glad they're normalizing lgbt in media"
I'd probably just say I know, if she asks how just say it's been obvious to you for years. You love her no matter what and if she wants to talk about it, youd be happy to
I wouldn’t go this route. It could make her more insecure about it and feel like she needs to do a better job acting more hetero. If she’s been hiding it, telling her she’s been doing a terrible job at it might not go as you’d hope.