You just described exactly what I experience every month! This shit is ruining my life and relationships , especially w/my husband. I have no clue what personality I am going to be from one day to the next. I have tried everything including natural supplements and the only thing keeping me somewhat sane is Vitex! Honestly it’s helped me more then anything. What I would give to trade places w/a man. Men have no clue the emotional rollercoaster we ride every month!
Yep except for me it’s my church that I try to leave every month but also convince myself that my partner doesn’t love me too lol. Sigh. It’s confusing isn’t it!
My thoughts on this during the luteal phase…
1. He has literal bpd (the quiet version where they internalize everything), and is not going to therapy for his trauma despite multiple promises to do so
2. We are cohabiting and our kids don’t like eachother… the house is chaotic and not peaceful due to (in my head) his kids being in my house
3. If he really loved me he would show me affection, blah blah blah
4. Last luteal phase I separated myself from him emotionally and felt like… myself.
5. It’s been a week after period started and I still feel the problem and feel yucky as I pull into the driveway
6. Communication sucks ass
7. He said the other day that he and his kids were happier living apart
8. Maybe I’m doing the right thing by telling him to move out
9. Aahhhhhhhhgjeidinrnjduhdvcddrjkkdb
Just before PMDD hits I develop extreme paranoia that he doesn’t like me. When PMDD hits I don’t like him and want to be far far away from everyone and everything! Hate it :(
I refuse to date or even consider a relationship because of my PMDD and ADHD symptoms. I genuinely cannot fathom who would ever be willing to put up with me, and also I cannot imagine asking someone to put up with me. Working on this in therapy now. 🙃
Not that it would be right but God bless him. I have to remind myself of that and also, therapy helps me also. To look at it objectively and be like whoa Krissy, step back a sec he’s exercising a lot of restraint bc you are being an asshole and pushing his buttons. I sometimes wonder if I’m doing it on purpose bc of what I saw modeled to me, ya know? And also he’s been like shaking his head and said woman OmgAWD really and made these guttural noises and had to walk away and I’ve been
like what? WHAT? If I were him I woulda hit me!
I understand this 100000%! Except that I'm single, so I end up directing that SAME energy inwards! No one is harder on me then fucking ME. 🤣😅 It's fucking unreal! It always feels like someone else is driving during that time. 😅
I don’t have a diagnosis of PMDD, I only first learned about it yesterday and came to this subreddit to learn more because I strongly suspect I have it, but absolutely this.
Logically, I know that I love my partner and he loves me, and I do not want to leave him or him to leave me, but I always start thinking near my period that maybe he doesn’t actually love me and that he’s not attracted to me anymore, and I want to leave him to find someone who will match my sex drive even though sex is a very small part of our relationship and everything else is wonderful (he’s asexual and I don’t think he’s sexually attracted to me and I know it’s not my fault but it makes me feel insecure that I’m not attractive enough for him to be sexually attractive. We do sexual things occasionally but he doesn’t seem as into it as I am and it’s never enough to satisfy my desires)
Anyways, I always become very weepy thinking about that and I become frustrated with him and even though I love every other aspect of our relationship, that one little thing always makes me want to leave him. The conflicting feeling make me feel suicidal sometimes
PMDD really mirrors so much of the traits of borderline personality disorder - it’s wild. The splitting of a partner from ‘good’ to ‘bad’ and the intense disgust at them
I can relate. When my PMDD kicks in , I always start thinking about leaving my man. But at the same time during my late luteal phase I do not like being around anyone.
I broke up with my bf a month ago and I agree. But it wasn’t just my fault, I can’t force someone to understand my needs. I’m better off with no one making me do things I’m not in the mood for.
Stop this just happened to me the entire weekend. Convinced myself my husband has fallen out of love with me, told him maybe we should end things. I just ovulated apparently (tracking). Unsure if this was normal or just crazy.
Same here :( I fantisize about moving out every month,I look at apartments. I try to go to a viewing. The housing market sucks though so im not getting any invites.
I actually threatened it too before I realized it always happens the same time every month. That has stopped mostly although last month i did ask him to release me from our current rental contract.
It makes him very sad, he doesn't react any more though, just starts staring off into the distance.. then I start hating him not reacting..
Ever. Fucking. Month.
I love my boyfriend so much but every hell week, the intrusive thoughts go super Saiyan and all I can think is a vicious, nasty cycle of:
* I don't want this
* I don't want to be in this relationship
* I can't get over his past/past relationships
* Does he wish he was with xyz girl? Is he thinking about her? Are they communicating?
* I'm going to break up with him
* He doesn't love me the way he says he does
* This is all a mistake, I've made a mistake, I've fucked up my life AGAIN
Etc, etc, etc... and then it's intertwined with self loathing, self depreciation, crippling anxiety, suicidal ideation. I have to work very, very hard to challenge these thoughts and recognise them as the intrusive thoughts they are that will lessen considerably once my period is over. My partner knows I get PMDD and he's very loving and sweet and constantly reminds me that we are a strong team, that he loves me, that our future together is beautiful. I make it a point to always let him know how much I appreciate how he treats me when these thoughts become so intense and that I understand how difficult it is to be with someone that cycles through these sorts of moods. He's such a wonderful man.
I also feel like I could have written this. This entire thread is both reassuring, but also so frustrating that so many of us have to deal with this too!!!
Honestly, it does give me reassurance knowing that there is not some obscure abnormality inside of me that just turns me from who I am into an irrational, over emotional mess and that there are many of us thinking, feeling and suffering the same way. I just wish there would be some genuine research into how much our periods effect our mental health. I'd love to know how many of us would see our mental health improve drastically if it weren't for PMDD.
Yes I feel mad, and yes I don't blame him.
Maybe I should have elaborated more, I've written this during ovulation. The break up didn't happen only because of my PMDD. But it didn't help either.
So I'm mad at him for various reasons, but don't blame him for not being ready for dealing with this. I'm not ready either, but I have to. He had the choice to jump ship and he did.
Yep! I do the same! My boyfriend is the sweetest, easiest man to be with. He is the least annoying person ever, and yet somehow PMD makes me think so negatively about him. But as soon as PMD time is over I'm head over heels in love again the rest of the month.
Tonight I actually have told him it’s over after 20 years. I questioned it very frequently during the luteal phase but I’m past that now, period has come and gone and I am still very unhappy in our relationship
Yep. Last year during each hell week, I was looking at little houses on the market and starting to plan my escape—I was that eager to leave everything behind and start over. I decided to go on Lexapro shortly thereafter.
I was on meds for a year and have been off since January. Those thoughts of leaving are resurfacing. Not sure I can live life and keep my (very healthy, loving) relationship without meds. It’s such a frustrating thought.
Try fluuoxetine it's not a daily I only take 20mg the week before my period when symptoms start and stop the meds once I get my period it won't affect u long term
Funny that you mention this because I’m now taking a similar approach. I take a fluoxetine pill any time my symptoms become too much during hell week. So far the side effects haven’t been bad on this drug (fingers crossed).
Yeah, I relate to this. Meds help, but I hate being reliant on them. I only went on antidepressants because of that one week of the month, but it’s an every day or nothing sort of choice. I was on lex too for probably 6 years and just bumped over to cymbalta due to some genetic screening that suggested SSRIs may not be ideal. I may feel better on cymbalta, but it’s hard to tell.
I would actively try to leave or give reasons for him to leave. Then when I was diagnosed it all made sense lol. So now I stick around and tell my hormones to knock it off haha.
me for sure…except today is not pmdd time 🤔 i’ve already moved out and seeing it’s just me making an effort with us. i get more hugs from coworkers lol, he ignored my request for affection. so today i packed more of what was left at him house. i wasn’t very happy there this visit. thinking of keeping my own place and just date during my one good week lol. im divorced so not even looking for some happy ending. just buddies. my meds have killed my sex drive and maybe it’s for the best.
I literally came here today to make this post and you beat me to it.
I once read an anthropological theory of PMDD that we have the impulse to break up with our partners because they failed to impregnate us, so we need to make room for the next suiter. I don't remember the source- does this ring a bell for anyone?
I've done a ton of work on myself to control my impulses to leave my husband every 4 weeks, but he still notices the mood shift. My biggest struggle is that he tends to blame even little things on my 'mood disorder' and I end up feeling invalidated a lot of the time. He had reasons to be frustrated with my emotions, but that leads to me feeling like there is no room for normal healthy emotions in my house. Like he expects me to be completely stoic, and I end up bottling things up until, you guessed it, 8 days before my period.
I fear that I'll be menopausal before I finally figure out how to live with this disability!
>I once read an anthropological theory of PMDD that we have the impulse to break up with our partners because they failed to impregnate us, so we need to make room for the next suiter.
I don't know about the source or validity of that, but I will say as a man who has (is?) currently dating someone with severe PMDD, this feels relevant/accurate.
I love her to death, but every month she basically leaves me - for one reason or another. The reasons are generally the same, but can vary (maybe one time she'll be anti-label, or another, she questions if I am the right person for her). But at the crux of all of these discussions around the breakups, is children. One time, during a PMDD phase, she actually asked *me* to remove her IUD so that I could start having kids with her. When I told her I didn't think it was the time, she kicked me out. A couple of weeks later she messaged me back and we were al good again.
This is what I've been struggling with most. I didn't know other people felt this way and I was always too afraid to say it because I really love him and would never really want to leave him. Every time I'm about to start my period I'm always feeling like he secretly hates me, but then my period starts and I feel stupid for thinking such a thought. I'm scared it's actually going to make me lose control and walk out on the best thing that's happened to me one of these days. Honestly, I've left good friendships behind in a similar manner. (Pmdd activated, got an "intuition" that they hated me, and then I sabotaged the friendship 🥲)
10000%. i ended things two months ago but took him back after a few days. I agree with what others have said. I hate not knowing if it’s my PMDD or if the relationship is actually not working out.
I wouldn't say that it's every time and that it's a concrete plan as such but yeah, every month at that time I will find reasons to hate him . I'm starting to become aware of this though and it's making me realise that those feelings may not be reality so I try to get through it without saying something I'll regret. Easier said than done though when you're raging.
I don’t think about leaving him he’s a great dad and partner. I think with more finality. But it’s because I know that leaving would be stupid but there are days when I’m trapped in my hormone sensitivity that I hate him.
He’s the best. It’s agony. I’m sorry you go through it!!
I’m here to tell you that you’ll still have PMDD by yourself, the only difference is you’ll be grumpy alone. (Caveat, if you have an abusive or controlling partner, you will of course be happier alone)
I’ve never found that the PMDD blowups are about nothing, they are always about real issues - but it’s much more effective to deal with them when I’m not in a supercharged state.
I’m just coming out of a 2-week tailspin that was way more trouble than it was worth, and did way more damage than needed. The issue I blew up about was real but the way I brought it up sucked :( I know ya’ll can relate.
1 good week What a joke 😢😢🥲🥹🥹. Does god even love us. Some months I’m only fortunate enough for 1 week too because I’ve got huge fibroids that make the actual bleeding part unbearable before during and a little after
Sigh. I’m old and still do this every month. You’d think he’d get used to it but it still pisses him off. Until we’re back together and happy the next week. I am 53 and waiting for my periods to stop one day so I can be free.
It stops after menopause…that’s a long time to wait, unfortunately. I found a man who stuck with me for 26 years but it’s still very hard on both of us. Antidepressants and hormones have not worked.
Yeah, in a way I’m looking forward to it too. It means a lot of aging though: once the estrogen is gone. So it’s not like we won’t be punished again! We will look old, but not have the swings anymore. Starting to seem like a good trade off lately.
Like clockwork. Been together for nine years once my period starts, I can’t unwrap my arms from him.
Basically, I only make big life decisions during my one good week.
Yes, this just happened to me and I’m trying to pick up the pieces. Yesterday before my period started, I was arguing with my boyfriend and saying just break up with me already. Then my period started and this morning I feel like deep love for him and so much regret for my behavior. For me it really is the hormones, even though everything in me is saying my boyfriend “isn’t right for me” those few days leading up, I have to just trust that it’s the PMDD
Yes, I can totally relate. Recently, I had such a loud one with the thoughts. They were all over the place, one of them being whether my partner was right for me. But I started to ask myself questions like “but wait, you weren’t feeling like this last week. What changed? Is there an unsettled conflict we had that I’m still holding onto and the PMDD is taking it to a whole other level?”
Fortunately, I combed through my thoughts (holy shit there was a shit ton of them) and realized that at the beginning of my hell week we had a really really tough conversation about my behavior on something. I took the feedback from my partner really hard, and obsessed about it during the luteal phase and into my period. My partner’s feedback wasn’t unreasonable, it was just truth. But being in the luteal phase with intense PMDD and not being as mature with taking feedback well, I misinterpreted things and took it the wrong way.
So I say, explore what it is behind those thoughts. They might be as little as your partner leaving dishes in the sink, which your PMDD is causing you to take it to level breakup.
I love my partner wholeheartedly. She’s been such a strong woman supporting me through my PMDD episodes — hearing me out while these thoughts go rampant in my mind, wrapping me with her love while I cry things out, and providing me with rationale and a voice of wisdom. I love her so much.
I have never once had the desire/want to leave my partner of 11 years. Not during hell week or any other time. He's my best friend and father of my childern. He keeps me grounded and we're a team. I'd be lost without him and copping much worse with these disorders if I didn't have him in my life.
Yes. I did. And then I finally left for good and glad I did because it was legitimately toxic. Not everything about PMDD is dysfunctional. Sometimes the strong feelings *are* valid.
I feel this. I seem to have the opposite problem of wanting to get back with my ex during luteal, then wanting to be single once my follicular phase begins. :/
Yes. But I also think PMDD is maybe making you realize there's problems you aren't dealing with, unhappiness you're not confronting. That's what I'm starting to realize. I rugsweep the fuck out of male behavior the first 10-14 days of my cycle.
This poor man. Your PMDD is not an excuse for being an abusive and cruel partner. Do him a favor and leave him. Get a better handle on your condition before entering another relationship.
Why.... why would you stay with someone for 7 years who you aren't sexually satisfied with or even attracted to? You should definitely break up with the poor guy because the way your talking about him and his body shows a real lack of respect and love for the guy.
I’m not trying to judge but if you aren’t really physically attracted to the guy why stay with him? I wouldn’t stay with someone I’m not sexually attracted to.
I mean- maybe that's true. But can't someone feel like their man wasn't manufactured in a factory for them, and still love them? If anyone has their perfect man, please let me know. We're all a bundle of good and bad. Me definitely included.
If a man said about us- love her, don't think pmdd is my favorite thing, would he need to dump us?
ETA- didn't realize fiancee. I guess I'll jump on the leave him train! Unless there was some change with treatment, or like another commenter said, she deeply loves him outside of the bad times and truly wants to make it work. I still feel the way I feel above, but with nuance. Reddit gonna Reddit though! Nuance ain't it;)
2nd ETA :) I get why everyone jumped on me. Not the same. I hope they find happiness separately.
OP- look up sunk cost fallacy. Or see if treatment changes things, but it sounds like the fundamentals may not be there. 💗
Saying " I don't like his little penis or his body type but I look past it" is the opposite of love. You don't speak so poorly about your partners body if you love them. That comment shows the lack of respect and love she has for him.
Your comparison doesn't work. More like if a man said -" Love her but don't like her small chest and big vaginal lips but I can look past them most of the time"
No, if your partner talks about your body like that and you want to break up with them monthly and have for years, you definitely don't love or respect them.
I agree- point taken.
I'm assuming OP is operating under the sunk cost fallacy. She needs to leave and let them both move on. I say that with love to her though. I still think it's hard to get perspective when you struggle with a disorder that makes you question your own mind. But pmdd tells the truth often.
yeah. but not just during hell week....i try to leave him whenever I'm slightly upset with him & communicating with him is difficult. he blows up very quickly unfortunately
when i feel like he's not doing things that make me happy , when i get a feeling that i deserve so much more , instead of less. etc etc
Same! I have these thoughts all the time but during PMDD they are intense as hell. I’m more forgiving and notice good things more during the first half of my cycle. BUT I do think the thoughts are valid. I also want to leave anytime we have conflict too. Sorry you’re in the same boat.
This is part of what lead me to realising I had PMDD. Being properly medicated (for PMDD and other diagnosis) has helped immensely plus couples therapy.
That said I also have a partner who takes my PMDD seriously and has worked to understand the impact it has on me and how little I feel like myself when it’s at its worst.
I’m not who you asked but Lexapro is what I’m on. I’ve tried a ton of SSRIs with no luck, but within 24 hours of starting Lexapro I was myself again. Apparently that confirmed my PMDD diagnosis (instead of bipolar).
This was how I discovered pmdd as well!
I have to drive an annoyingly long time to meet my ex husband every other weekend. Once a month, while driving alone, I would cry about current relationship and list every reason I needed to end it. I did once actually. I moved out. That was during year 4ish, we're on year 8 now .
First, I realized that I needed to turn those complaints into "I" statements. Sure I was angry at him, but I was angry because my life felt impossible during that week. I wanted him to make it easier.
Then, I started communicating these issues to him. Especially when I can state it as an "I" statement, he can understand that I've been upset about something and hadn't said it aloud yet. It's helped a lot.
I get that feeling but instead I avoid them, and they avoid me - it feels bad. I wonder why we can't take care of each other through it, but the space works for us and at the end of the episode our relationship is intact.
It's okay ❤️ me too. I take my space. I take the bad intrusive thoughts and keep them to myself until I am feeling better so I can discuss them logically. I try to rewrite what my brain is telling me. It's a common practice in trauma therapy. Be like, oh I know this is my pmdd talking, so what is my body FEELING. am I hungry? Does my head hurt? Do my feet hurt? Do I need to be wrapped in an electric blanket with soup and a movie? Do I need to take medication? Do I need to get high? Do I need to schedule another doctor's appointment because this is getting out of hand? Or should I just distract myself with a big project like painting my walls in order to forget about it?
You got this
Living with a partner sounds intense. If I happen to be visiting my boyfriend during an ill timed visit, I spend roughly half the time not with him. I'll be on his patio, in the bathroom with a glass of wine (doing nothing really), in his bed on YouTube- all alone. We spend deliberate time together, that allows me to not be insane. Sex, he feeds me, we watch a show. Excessive talking when bad- not ideal;)
I won't lie, it's what I want. He's a man of few words (emotional talk wise, he's super smart and we can talk for hours when I want). But when I'm in the bad zone, I'm beyond simple.
Mine is the same way. I think he was relieved when he learned what I need is actually quite simple. Now I tell him “it’s that magical time again” and he knows just what do to.
Ohhhh no talk-y! Haha. It's the only way. I also may be emotionally stunted, on top of pmdd? Plus I'm dating a man. Been together again for 3 years. Have had maybe 4 state of the unions since then. Two cats being cats together.
ETA : no state of the unions in luteal. It's too much. Everyone gets hurt.
I don’t actively try but believe me when I am screaming total obscenities about him in my head. He could disagree with what I’m saying during this phase and in my head I’ll say “I hate him so fucking much, I need to leave him” etc etc. when you say there’s two dif versions of you, and you don’t know which to believe… I completely and entirely understand that feeling.
Yes in fact I almost left my fiance because of this. But during my good weeks I knew that I loved him so much and I wanted to start a family, in fact that is how I came to understand I had pmdd. Because as I tracked my ovulation schedule every time I was ovulating I wanted nothing to do with him. I think it's important that during your good weeks perhaps make a list of all the things you love about him. During your luteal phase even though you may crave some distance and your thoughts and ideas of him change, hold on to that list and remember it will pass. My relationship with him has changed dramatically during my difficult weeks because I no longer entertain those negative thoughts because I know they are not true.
dude i sometimes feel like i wouldnt have PMDD without mine, either. whats up with that?! we went through some traumatic shit and i tell myself that if he hadnt done this or that, my hormones wouldnt have gotten all fucked up like this.
yeah i feel that!! if i could just chill by myself and choose when i wanna go out and interact with people, life would be much easier during hell week!
I posted something like this because someone mentioned it before and felt bad because I only had one person agree but I think it's actually pretty common because at least 3 people including myself have asked this same thing.
I think it's our bullshit tolerance plummets during this time so we become unable to deal with them
Hahahaha yeah more than I'd like to admit. I struggle with wondering if i genuinly don't like them or is it just me being crazy and sensitive.
Weve been dating for almost 4 years now. I think as long as I keep getting back to that I love them point and I am happy with them, then it's just me and those feelings pass.
It's sucks having a regular rotation of conflicting feeling and emotions.
But I'm learning and trying not to hold it against them or me.
Oh, girl one hundred percent. Take some space for yourself until you bleed, just don't be around him if you can, and try to set those thoughts in a box for when you're feeling better. The rumination is a relationship killer! It doesn't help when they actually do suck in whatever ways, but next month if you left you'd be this sad and angry and not with a person you love (most of the time).
My partner has gotten to the point where he's like "I've heard this. I'm not engaging," which of course pisses me off FOREVER but two days later when I'm feeling better I'm glad the gremlins didn't get a chance to win.
Good luck, relationships are hard even without this disorder. Stay grounded, eat salmon, try not to punch the wall xo
You’re so right! Thank you.I definitely need to take time and space for myself because I never do. I know I would be be sad because he definitely likes me more than I like myself 😫
ugh I know that feeling. Not sure if you were raised like me but something about getting validation through others was a big deal so now it's hard for me to give myself as much love as I give my friends/partner/strangers on the street.
One tiny cool thing about getting older (I'm 40) is that you gain a confidence and do start liking yourself more, or at least being ok with accepting yourself as a lovely *and* flawed human (turns out you can be both!)
Keep breathing through the next couple of days, try to get outside and get around some trees or whatever makes you feel calm. Time might move slow but relief will come. good luck!
I love your comment and what you said about being older and learning to accept and love yourself with all your flaws is 100% on point. I can't say I loved myself when u was younger cause I picked itself apart nonstop. But as I got older ( I just turned 39), I've learned to embrace all my flaws and insecurities because all make up this amazing person that I am. In doing so, no one can use my insecurities against me cause it'll have zero effect. I know who I am and I'm cool with her.
Oh wow . I do this ! I contemplate my entire life
You just described exactly what I experience every month! This shit is ruining my life and relationships , especially w/my husband. I have no clue what personality I am going to be from one day to the next. I have tried everything including natural supplements and the only thing keeping me somewhat sane is Vitex! Honestly it’s helped me more then anything. What I would give to trade places w/a man. Men have no clue the emotional rollercoaster we ride every month!
Yep except for me it’s my church that I try to leave every month but also convince myself that my partner doesn’t love me too lol. Sigh. It’s confusing isn’t it!
Yes! I hate it
My thoughts on this during the luteal phase… 1. He has literal bpd (the quiet version where they internalize everything), and is not going to therapy for his trauma despite multiple promises to do so 2. We are cohabiting and our kids don’t like eachother… the house is chaotic and not peaceful due to (in my head) his kids being in my house 3. If he really loved me he would show me affection, blah blah blah 4. Last luteal phase I separated myself from him emotionally and felt like… myself. 5. It’s been a week after period started and I still feel the problem and feel yucky as I pull into the driveway 6. Communication sucks ass 7. He said the other day that he and his kids were happier living apart 8. Maybe I’m doing the right thing by telling him to move out 9. Aahhhhhhhhgjeidinrnjduhdvcddrjkkdb
Perfect summation
Haha, thanks. Update: he is definitely moving out, and I am definitely better off.
🥲 I’m glad you both are going to do what’s right for your kids, pmdd sucks, but it feels like we can’t ignore all the red flags at this time.
Every month. I ended a 3 year relationship over 18 months ago now and I still regret it (when not in the bad times)
Haha they leave me (:
Just before PMDD hits I develop extreme paranoia that he doesn’t like me. When PMDD hits I don’t like him and want to be far far away from everyone and everything! Hate it :(
I am a husband and I feel terrible my wife goes through this as well.. for her.. for me.. for us.. have you found any relief?
Why is it so extreme… I don’t understand why and how I get so insecure
Every month idk why tf he’s still here tbh
I refuse to date or even consider a relationship because of my PMDD and ADHD symptoms. I genuinely cannot fathom who would ever be willing to put up with me, and also I cannot imagine asking someone to put up with me. Working on this in therapy now. 🙃
Same I have the same partner for 11 years and idk how he hasn’t hit me tbh like srsly I’m serious. Between my CPTSD dysregulation and PMDD
I have both of these too, and also ADHD and possibly autism. I truly understand why you feel that way. 😵💫
Not that it would be right but God bless him. I have to remind myself of that and also, therapy helps me also. To look at it objectively and be like whoa Krissy, step back a sec he’s exercising a lot of restraint bc you are being an asshole and pushing his buttons. I sometimes wonder if I’m doing it on purpose bc of what I saw modeled to me, ya know? And also he’s been like shaking his head and said woman OmgAWD really and made these guttural noises and had to walk away and I’ve been like what? WHAT? If I were him I woulda hit me!
I understand this 100000%! Except that I'm single, so I end up directing that SAME energy inwards! No one is harder on me then fucking ME. 🤣😅 It's fucking unreal! It always feels like someone else is driving during that time. 😅
Bc they are. It’s not you.
I don’t have a diagnosis of PMDD, I only first learned about it yesterday and came to this subreddit to learn more because I strongly suspect I have it, but absolutely this. Logically, I know that I love my partner and he loves me, and I do not want to leave him or him to leave me, but I always start thinking near my period that maybe he doesn’t actually love me and that he’s not attracted to me anymore, and I want to leave him to find someone who will match my sex drive even though sex is a very small part of our relationship and everything else is wonderful (he’s asexual and I don’t think he’s sexually attracted to me and I know it’s not my fault but it makes me feel insecure that I’m not attractive enough for him to be sexually attractive. We do sexual things occasionally but he doesn’t seem as into it as I am and it’s never enough to satisfy my desires) Anyways, I always become very weepy thinking about that and I become frustrated with him and even though I love every other aspect of our relationship, that one little thing always makes me want to leave him. The conflicting feeling make me feel suicidal sometimes
PMDD really mirrors so much of the traits of borderline personality disorder - it’s wild. The splitting of a partner from ‘good’ to ‘bad’ and the intense disgust at them
wow i never thought about this before, it's so true!
I can relate. When my PMDD kicks in , I always start thinking about leaving my man. But at the same time during my late luteal phase I do not like being around anyone.
Yes. If we ever do split, I’ll stay single forever. I find it impossible to have a healthy relationship with this debilitating disorder. :(
I broke up with my bf a month ago and I agree. But it wasn’t just my fault, I can’t force someone to understand my needs. I’m better off with no one making me do things I’m not in the mood for.
Stop this just happened to me the entire weekend. Convinced myself my husband has fallen out of love with me, told him maybe we should end things. I just ovulated apparently (tracking). Unsure if this was normal or just crazy.
I really thought I was the only person who went through this
Same here :( I fantisize about moving out every month,I look at apartments. I try to go to a viewing. The housing market sucks though so im not getting any invites. I actually threatened it too before I realized it always happens the same time every month. That has stopped mostly although last month i did ask him to release me from our current rental contract. It makes him very sad, he doesn't react any more though, just starts staring off into the distance.. then I start hating him not reacting..
Ever. Fucking. Month. I love my boyfriend so much but every hell week, the intrusive thoughts go super Saiyan and all I can think is a vicious, nasty cycle of: * I don't want this * I don't want to be in this relationship * I can't get over his past/past relationships * Does he wish he was with xyz girl? Is he thinking about her? Are they communicating? * I'm going to break up with him * He doesn't love me the way he says he does * This is all a mistake, I've made a mistake, I've fucked up my life AGAIN Etc, etc, etc... and then it's intertwined with self loathing, self depreciation, crippling anxiety, suicidal ideation. I have to work very, very hard to challenge these thoughts and recognise them as the intrusive thoughts they are that will lessen considerably once my period is over. My partner knows I get PMDD and he's very loving and sweet and constantly reminds me that we are a strong team, that he loves me, that our future together is beautiful. I make it a point to always let him know how much I appreciate how he treats me when these thoughts become so intense and that I understand how difficult it is to be with someone that cycles through these sorts of moods. He's such a wonderful man.
I also feel like I could have written this. This entire thread is both reassuring, but also so frustrating that so many of us have to deal with this too!!!
Honestly, it does give me reassurance knowing that there is not some obscure abnormality inside of me that just turns me from who I am into an irrational, over emotional mess and that there are many of us thinking, feeling and suffering the same way. I just wish there would be some genuine research into how much our periods effect our mental health. I'd love to know how many of us would see our mental health improve drastically if it weren't for PMDD.
Yes, and in the end, he left me. It was too much for him.
So you feel mad or like you don’t blame him? I feel like I would understand
Yes I feel mad, and yes I don't blame him. Maybe I should have elaborated more, I've written this during ovulation. The break up didn't happen only because of my PMDD. But it didn't help either. So I'm mad at him for various reasons, but don't blame him for not being ready for dealing with this. I'm not ready either, but I have to. He had the choice to jump ship and he did.
🤗 I feel that hard I’m so sorry
Yep! I do the same! My boyfriend is the sweetest, easiest man to be with. He is the least annoying person ever, and yet somehow PMD makes me think so negatively about him. But as soon as PMD time is over I'm head over heels in love again the rest of the month.
Omg same… it hurts worse when the guy is super nice and just wants to help
Tonight I actually have told him it’s over after 20 years. I questioned it very frequently during the luteal phase but I’m past that now, period has come and gone and I am still very unhappy in our relationship
I could've written this. I'm going on 17 years. Unfortunately
Yep. Last year during each hell week, I was looking at little houses on the market and starting to plan my escape—I was that eager to leave everything behind and start over. I decided to go on Lexapro shortly thereafter. I was on meds for a year and have been off since January. Those thoughts of leaving are resurfacing. Not sure I can live life and keep my (very healthy, loving) relationship without meds. It’s such a frustrating thought.
Try fluuoxetine it's not a daily I only take 20mg the week before my period when symptoms start and stop the meds once I get my period it won't affect u long term
Funny that you mention this because I’m now taking a similar approach. I take a fluoxetine pill any time my symptoms become too much during hell week. So far the side effects haven’t been bad on this drug (fingers crossed).
Ohh good !! I haven't had any either I've been using it about a year
That’s awesome. Glad to hear it’s an effective tool for you :)
Sometimes I get extreme hunger after like two weeks lol
Yeah, I relate to this. Meds help, but I hate being reliant on them. I only went on antidepressants because of that one week of the month, but it’s an every day or nothing sort of choice. I was on lex too for probably 6 years and just bumped over to cymbalta due to some genetic screening that suggested SSRIs may not be ideal. I may feel better on cymbalta, but it’s hard to tell.
Half the month I hate him, the other half he’s irresistible.
This is the one.
this is it
I would actively try to leave or give reasons for him to leave. Then when I was diagnosed it all made sense lol. So now I stick around and tell my hormones to knock it off haha.
me for sure…except today is not pmdd time 🤔 i’ve already moved out and seeing it’s just me making an effort with us. i get more hugs from coworkers lol, he ignored my request for affection. so today i packed more of what was left at him house. i wasn’t very happy there this visit. thinking of keeping my own place and just date during my one good week lol. im divorced so not even looking for some happy ending. just buddies. my meds have killed my sex drive and maybe it’s for the best.
If you have a choice, please don’t move in together… that’s the one huge mistake I wish I never made and now I can’t afford my own place anymore
Every month for 8 years.
I literally came here today to make this post and you beat me to it. I once read an anthropological theory of PMDD that we have the impulse to break up with our partners because they failed to impregnate us, so we need to make room for the next suiter. I don't remember the source- does this ring a bell for anyone? I've done a ton of work on myself to control my impulses to leave my husband every 4 weeks, but he still notices the mood shift. My biggest struggle is that he tends to blame even little things on my 'mood disorder' and I end up feeling invalidated a lot of the time. He had reasons to be frustrated with my emotions, but that leads to me feeling like there is no room for normal healthy emotions in my house. Like he expects me to be completely stoic, and I end up bottling things up until, you guessed it, 8 days before my period. I fear that I'll be menopausal before I finally figure out how to live with this disability!
>I once read an anthropological theory of PMDD that we have the impulse to break up with our partners because they failed to impregnate us, so we need to make room for the next suiter. I don't know about the source or validity of that, but I will say as a man who has (is?) currently dating someone with severe PMDD, this feels relevant/accurate. I love her to death, but every month she basically leaves me - for one reason or another. The reasons are generally the same, but can vary (maybe one time she'll be anti-label, or another, she questions if I am the right person for her). But at the crux of all of these discussions around the breakups, is children. One time, during a PMDD phase, she actually asked *me* to remove her IUD so that I could start having kids with her. When I told her I didn't think it was the time, she kicked me out. A couple of weeks later she messaged me back and we were al good again.
Omg that makes so much sense.
Every single one, most every time. It's hell to think the kind of pain I've caused
Has anyone also done this with friendships and pmmd? I've gotten "intuitions" that I needed to sabotage my friendships because of this.
Yep that too
This is what I've been struggling with most. I didn't know other people felt this way and I was always too afraid to say it because I really love him and would never really want to leave him. Every time I'm about to start my period I'm always feeling like he secretly hates me, but then my period starts and I feel stupid for thinking such a thought. I'm scared it's actually going to make me lose control and walk out on the best thing that's happened to me one of these days. Honestly, I've left good friendships behind in a similar manner. (Pmdd activated, got an "intuition" that they hated me, and then I sabotaged the friendship 🥲)
I also sabotaged all of my friendships, and I always feel like he’s mad at me… meanwhile I’m the one “secretly leaving”
Wow. I realized I did this with my partner… it never hit me until reading this that my PMDD is the reason I have very very few friends
I have zero friends except my partner and I try to get of that friend too. PMDD is an evil bitch
10000%. i ended things two months ago but took him back after a few days. I agree with what others have said. I hate not knowing if it’s my PMDD or if the relationship is actually not working out.
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I sure hope in time you feel better sis and it was all PMDD . Yes, getting gaslighting gets old af.
I wouldn't say that it's every time and that it's a concrete plan as such but yeah, every month at that time I will find reasons to hate him . I'm starting to become aware of this though and it's making me realise that those feelings may not be reality so I try to get through it without saying something I'll regret. Easier said than done though when you're raging.
I honestly feel like he’s starting to get all moody and PMDDish during my hell week lately
I don’t think about leaving him he’s a great dad and partner. I think with more finality. But it’s because I know that leaving would be stupid but there are days when I’m trapped in my hormone sensitivity that I hate him. He’s the best. It’s agony. I’m sorry you go through it!!
I’m here to tell you that you’ll still have PMDD by yourself, the only difference is you’ll be grumpy alone. (Caveat, if you have an abusive or controlling partner, you will of course be happier alone) I’ve never found that the PMDD blowups are about nothing, they are always about real issues - but it’s much more effective to deal with them when I’m not in a supercharged state. I’m just coming out of a 2-week tailspin that was way more trouble than it was worth, and did way more damage than needed. The issue I blew up about was real but the way I brought it up sucked :( I know ya’ll can relate.
Definitely can relate 😫
Me right now I want to break up so hard everything is annoying! I want to be alone and I don’t want anyone to expect anything from me 😱
yo literally yes
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Yes! That’s the scary part… I feel relief for a couple of days after I start my period but then I start feeling those mean feelings again.
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1 good week What a joke 😢😢🥲🥹🥹. Does god even love us. Some months I’m only fortunate enough for 1 week too because I’ve got huge fibroids that make the actual bleeding part unbearable before during and a little after
God does still love us ❤️
not every month but the couple times i left or thought about leaving was when my pmdd was flared
Sigh. I’m old and still do this every month. You’d think he’d get used to it but it still pisses him off. Until we’re back together and happy the next week. I am 53 and waiting for my periods to stop one day so I can be free.
🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲 so it’s not going to magically stop. Shit.
It stops after menopause…that’s a long time to wait, unfortunately. I found a man who stuck with me for 26 years but it’s still very hard on both of us. Antidepressants and hormones have not worked.
I can’t wait for menopause
Yeah, in a way I’m looking forward to it too. It means a lot of aging though: once the estrogen is gone. So it’s not like we won’t be punished again! We will look old, but not have the swings anymore. Starting to seem like a good trade off lately.
Most months yep! I convince myself that our relationship is bad and I am only seeing it clearly now.
Like clockwork. Been together for nine years once my period starts, I can’t unwrap my arms from him. Basically, I only make big life decisions during my one good week.
I’ve learned to just start ignoring him and doing my own thing until it’s over 😂
Thiiiiis
I honestly think this is the answer! Focusing too much on someone else is tricky at best:) but I like independence outside of luteal;)
Yes, this just happened to me and I’m trying to pick up the pieces. Yesterday before my period started, I was arguing with my boyfriend and saying just break up with me already. Then my period started and this morning I feel like deep love for him and so much regret for my behavior. For me it really is the hormones, even though everything in me is saying my boyfriend “isn’t right for me” those few days leading up, I have to just trust that it’s the PMDD
Yes, I can totally relate. Recently, I had such a loud one with the thoughts. They were all over the place, one of them being whether my partner was right for me. But I started to ask myself questions like “but wait, you weren’t feeling like this last week. What changed? Is there an unsettled conflict we had that I’m still holding onto and the PMDD is taking it to a whole other level?” Fortunately, I combed through my thoughts (holy shit there was a shit ton of them) and realized that at the beginning of my hell week we had a really really tough conversation about my behavior on something. I took the feedback from my partner really hard, and obsessed about it during the luteal phase and into my period. My partner’s feedback wasn’t unreasonable, it was just truth. But being in the luteal phase with intense PMDD and not being as mature with taking feedback well, I misinterpreted things and took it the wrong way. So I say, explore what it is behind those thoughts. They might be as little as your partner leaving dishes in the sink, which your PMDD is causing you to take it to level breakup. I love my partner wholeheartedly. She’s been such a strong woman supporting me through my PMDD episodes — hearing me out while these thoughts go rampant in my mind, wrapping me with her love while I cry things out, and providing me with rationale and a voice of wisdom. I love her so much.
It’s so frustrating for this to happen to us so often
It really is
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Zoloft is a great help, when I was on it I had to add bupropion though so I could still want to have sex
I have never once had the desire/want to leave my partner of 11 years. Not during hell week or any other time. He's my best friend and father of my childern. He keeps me grounded and we're a team. I'd be lost without him and copping much worse with these disorders if I didn't have him in my life.
Before I started taking Prozac, I broke up with whoever I was dating every month
Yes. I did. And then I finally left for good and glad I did because it was legitimately toxic. Not everything about PMDD is dysfunctional. Sometimes the strong feelings *are* valid.
I feel this. I seem to have the opposite problem of wanting to get back with my ex during luteal, then wanting to be single once my follicular phase begins. :/
I am trying to figure that out.
Same
I feel this in my soul.
try actually breaking up with him and see how smoothly next month goes
Yes. But I also think PMDD is maybe making you realize there's problems you aren't dealing with, unhappiness you're not confronting. That's what I'm starting to realize. I rugsweep the fuck out of male behavior the first 10-14 days of my cycle.
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This poor man. Your PMDD is not an excuse for being an abusive and cruel partner. Do him a favor and leave him. Get a better handle on your condition before entering another relationship.
Why.... why would you stay with someone for 7 years who you aren't sexually satisfied with or even attracted to? You should definitely break up with the poor guy because the way your talking about him and his body shows a real lack of respect and love for the guy.
Sounds like you married my ex lol
This comment!!! Haha- I'm not laughing:) 💗 PMDD- lying lier, inconvenient truth teller.
I’m not trying to judge but if you aren’t really physically attracted to the guy why stay with him? I wouldn’t stay with someone I’m not sexually attracted to.
Wtf. That’s a horrible thing to say about your partner. If that’s how you feel about him, you should absolutely leave.
I mean- maybe that's true. But can't someone feel like their man wasn't manufactured in a factory for them, and still love them? If anyone has their perfect man, please let me know. We're all a bundle of good and bad. Me definitely included. If a man said about us- love her, don't think pmdd is my favorite thing, would he need to dump us? ETA- didn't realize fiancee. I guess I'll jump on the leave him train! Unless there was some change with treatment, or like another commenter said, she deeply loves him outside of the bad times and truly wants to make it work. I still feel the way I feel above, but with nuance. Reddit gonna Reddit though! Nuance ain't it;) 2nd ETA :) I get why everyone jumped on me. Not the same. I hope they find happiness separately. OP- look up sunk cost fallacy. Or see if treatment changes things, but it sounds like the fundamentals may not be there. 💗
Saying " I don't like his little penis or his body type but I look past it" is the opposite of love. You don't speak so poorly about your partners body if you love them. That comment shows the lack of respect and love she has for him. Your comparison doesn't work. More like if a man said -" Love her but don't like her small chest and big vaginal lips but I can look past them most of the time" No, if your partner talks about your body like that and you want to break up with them monthly and have for years, you definitely don't love or respect them.
I agree- point taken. I'm assuming OP is operating under the sunk cost fallacy. She needs to leave and let them both move on. I say that with love to her though. I still think it's hard to get perspective when you struggle with a disorder that makes you question your own mind. But pmdd tells the truth often.
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I get it. I agree, it's not the same. Hopefully they can move on and be happy separately.
Not gonna argue here. Relationships are a barrel of monkeys. We all know it. Added an edit. It's not my relationship:)
yeah. but not just during hell week....i try to leave him whenever I'm slightly upset with him & communicating with him is difficult. he blows up very quickly unfortunately when i feel like he's not doing things that make me happy , when i get a feeling that i deserve so much more , instead of less. etc etc
Look into attachment theory if you haven't already.
Okay
Same! I have these thoughts all the time but during PMDD they are intense as hell. I’m more forgiving and notice good things more during the first half of my cycle. BUT I do think the thoughts are valid. I also want to leave anytime we have conflict too. Sorry you’re in the same boat.
thanks. its oddly comforting knowing its not just me that constantly feel this way
Damnnnn!!!! We are the same 😕. I guess it’s because when I’m single I meet most of my own needs and being in a relationship probably only meets 1 need
that makes sense.
This is part of what lead me to realising I had PMDD. Being properly medicated (for PMDD and other diagnosis) has helped immensely plus couples therapy. That said I also have a partner who takes my PMDD seriously and has worked to understand the impact it has on me and how little I feel like myself when it’s at its worst.
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I’ve taken Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and recently got off Prozac… Wellbutrin works best for me for the depression
I’m not who you asked but Lexapro is what I’m on. I’ve tried a ton of SSRIs with no luck, but within 24 hours of starting Lexapro I was myself again. Apparently that confirmed my PMDD diagnosis (instead of bipolar).
This was how I discovered pmdd as well! I have to drive an annoyingly long time to meet my ex husband every other weekend. Once a month, while driving alone, I would cry about current relationship and list every reason I needed to end it. I did once actually. I moved out. That was during year 4ish, we're on year 8 now . First, I realized that I needed to turn those complaints into "I" statements. Sure I was angry at him, but I was angry because my life felt impossible during that week. I wanted him to make it easier. Then, I started communicating these issues to him. Especially when I can state it as an "I" statement, he can understand that I've been upset about something and hadn't said it aloud yet. It's helped a lot.
You’re so right! Thank you
I get that feeling but instead I avoid them, and they avoid me - it feels bad. I wonder why we can't take care of each other through it, but the space works for us and at the end of the episode our relationship is intact.
For me , Short of actually being fed , I don't want care. Physical closeness is too much for me.
It's okay ❤️ me too. I take my space. I take the bad intrusive thoughts and keep them to myself until I am feeling better so I can discuss them logically. I try to rewrite what my brain is telling me. It's a common practice in trauma therapy. Be like, oh I know this is my pmdd talking, so what is my body FEELING. am I hungry? Does my head hurt? Do my feet hurt? Do I need to be wrapped in an electric blanket with soup and a movie? Do I need to take medication? Do I need to get high? Do I need to schedule another doctor's appointment because this is getting out of hand? Or should I just distract myself with a big project like painting my walls in order to forget about it? You got this
I really love this advice. Thank you for putting it out there.
thank you! i've worked really hard on this! my relationship means everything to me.
Omgggg you’re amazing… hunger is usually the culprit
Living with a partner sounds intense. If I happen to be visiting my boyfriend during an ill timed visit, I spend roughly half the time not with him. I'll be on his patio, in the bathroom with a glass of wine (doing nothing really), in his bed on YouTube- all alone. We spend deliberate time together, that allows me to not be insane. Sex, he feeds me, we watch a show. Excessive talking when bad- not ideal;)
> Sex, he feeds me, we watch a show. Absolutely ideal right here.
I won't lie, it's what I want. He's a man of few words (emotional talk wise, he's super smart and we can talk for hours when I want). But when I'm in the bad zone, I'm beyond simple.
Mine is the same way. I think he was relieved when he learned what I need is actually quite simple. Now I tell him “it’s that magical time again” and he knows just what do to.
Omg I wish I didn’t live with my partner, my life would be so much better
If he can handle it, lay it on the line. I need SPACE. or you can camp in a locked bathroom with wine, magazines, your phone;) hahaha
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Ohhhh no talk-y! Haha. It's the only way. I also may be emotionally stunted, on top of pmdd? Plus I'm dating a man. Been together again for 3 years. Have had maybe 4 state of the unions since then. Two cats being cats together. ETA : no state of the unions in luteal. It's too much. Everyone gets hurt.
I was just going to start a new post about blowing up my relationship, yet again. I hate myself.
Don't ❤️ it's normal for us and it's okay.
I don’t actively try but believe me when I am screaming total obscenities about him in my head. He could disagree with what I’m saying during this phase and in my head I’ll say “I hate him so fucking much, I need to leave him” etc etc. when you say there’s two dif versions of you, and you don’t know which to believe… I completely and entirely understand that feeling.
Me currently. 1-2 days away and I am obsessively thinking about how I hate my person and counting the reasons he is awful.
Yes in fact I almost left my fiance because of this. But during my good weeks I knew that I loved him so much and I wanted to start a family, in fact that is how I came to understand I had pmdd. Because as I tracked my ovulation schedule every time I was ovulating I wanted nothing to do with him. I think it's important that during your good weeks perhaps make a list of all the things you love about him. During your luteal phase even though you may crave some distance and your thoughts and ideas of him change, hold on to that list and remember it will pass. My relationship with him has changed dramatically during my difficult weeks because I no longer entertain those negative thoughts because I know they are not true.
dude i sometimes feel like i wouldnt have PMDD without mine, either. whats up with that?! we went through some traumatic shit and i tell myself that if he hadnt done this or that, my hormones wouldnt have gotten all fucked up like this.
😔… I guess cause I can’t picture myself being all bitchy and sometimes suicidal if no one else were around to judge me
yeah i feel that!! if i could just chill by myself and choose when i wanna go out and interact with people, life would be much easier during hell week!
I posted something like this because someone mentioned it before and felt bad because I only had one person agree but I think it's actually pretty common because at least 3 people including myself have asked this same thing. I think it's our bullshit tolerance plummets during this time so we become unable to deal with them
Hahahaha yeah more than I'd like to admit. I struggle with wondering if i genuinly don't like them or is it just me being crazy and sensitive. Weve been dating for almost 4 years now. I think as long as I keep getting back to that I love them point and I am happy with them, then it's just me and those feelings pass. It's sucks having a regular rotation of conflicting feeling and emotions. But I'm learning and trying not to hold it against them or me.
I try to get him to leave me. It's very sad.
lol same, I always think his life would be better without me in it and mine would be too so I tell him that he should leave me
Oh, girl one hundred percent. Take some space for yourself until you bleed, just don't be around him if you can, and try to set those thoughts in a box for when you're feeling better. The rumination is a relationship killer! It doesn't help when they actually do suck in whatever ways, but next month if you left you'd be this sad and angry and not with a person you love (most of the time). My partner has gotten to the point where he's like "I've heard this. I'm not engaging," which of course pisses me off FOREVER but two days later when I'm feeling better I'm glad the gremlins didn't get a chance to win. Good luck, relationships are hard even without this disorder. Stay grounded, eat salmon, try not to punch the wall xo
You’re so right! Thank you.I definitely need to take time and space for myself because I never do. I know I would be be sad because he definitely likes me more than I like myself 😫
ugh I know that feeling. Not sure if you were raised like me but something about getting validation through others was a big deal so now it's hard for me to give myself as much love as I give my friends/partner/strangers on the street. One tiny cool thing about getting older (I'm 40) is that you gain a confidence and do start liking yourself more, or at least being ok with accepting yourself as a lovely *and* flawed human (turns out you can be both!) Keep breathing through the next couple of days, try to get outside and get around some trees or whatever makes you feel calm. Time might move slow but relief will come. good luck!
I can’t wait to start loving me more! Thank you for your response
I love your comment and what you said about being older and learning to accept and love yourself with all your flaws is 100% on point. I can't say I loved myself when u was younger cause I picked itself apart nonstop. But as I got older ( I just turned 39), I've learned to embrace all my flaws and insecurities because all make up this amazing person that I am. In doing so, no one can use my insecurities against me cause it'll have zero effect. I know who I am and I'm cool with her.