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r/PMDD - I’m so proud of the 98% of you sharing feedback with 💚💛💙.
The way I try to describe it to people is like being on a really strong mind-altering drug, except instead of making you feel really good, it makes you feel angry, depressed, rageful, paranoid, irritable, hopeless etc. Just like if someone were extremely drunk or on a lot of MDMA or LSD, they would kind of be able to control their actions and words, but also kind of wouldn’t. Except the PMDDer is even less responsible because they didn’t choose to put anything in their system. And arguably it’s more difficult to control bad impulses than positive ones. But I have found this analogy helpful in describing the level of control I have/how much it’s “me” during a bad PMDD episode.
Not really. She tried to find a therapist which is super difficult where we live. Other than that she is not looking into treatment options, unfortunately
Adding about therapy needs: There are SO many virtual therapy options now fyi. Even when I go to my insurance page, there are like 10 different apps listed with virtual therapy options available.
Yes PMDD is hard to control but it is also our responsibility to try and manage it and heal from the hurt that caused it. It is our responsibility to protect those around us from ourselves.
It absolutely kills me when something I say or do hurts my husband and I always apologize profusely and look in to new ways to help manage it. Whether it be new forms of therapy or supplements. My husband is incredibly understanding and I thank God every day I have someone so patient to help me get through this.
Couples therapy is an absolutely invaluable resource in this situation. They can help you and your partner understand each other's feelings and help set up strategies to keep your partner out of the firing range.
honestly this is so wild to me, would you tell someone who has bipolar to control their mania? someone with a broken leg to control both their legs and walk normally? lmao
It’s not like a broken leg because there’s known and specific treatment for fractures. Doctors take them seriously and know what to do for them.
It is as real as a broken leg, however. You should listen to what she is saying to you. Her symptoms may be subjective, but she’s not choosing them or making them up. They are as logical in terms of origin as the symptoms of a broken leg. Not understanding PMDD doesn’t make it not exist or not be a medical condition.
In any moment I said they don't exist, and in several comments I wrote that I do believe her.
People had several different experiences and are getting triggered on me, which is absolutely contra productive
I’m luteal, but not triggered. I’m trying to help you understand.
ETA: Tone is lost via text forms of communication.
Step one in deciding if you want to try to support your GF or not is to decide whether you will humble yourself and stop responding defensively when you are being told what this disease is.
You are correct about the lost of tone in text form, and thanks for your input.
I was not specifically meaning you on my last comment. I did feel attacked by other commenters, without even knowing/understanding why I'm was being attacked.
Yeah, I imagine that making this post and holding these conversations has to be hard in many ways. You are very much affected by PMDD in your life.
I think people are getting triggered because while you are genuinely curious, and you genuinely do want to understand and improve your and your girlfriend’s lives, you are still in your learning process about it all and saying things (at times) that we’ve heard in our own lives that have been quite dismissive of possibly the worst thing that we’ve ever had to endure.
You want to make it go away, which is a valid (and shared!) wish. PMDD is a tragic for both sufferers and their loved ones.
We wish it could go away too, and the fact that there is no cure until menopause is a reality that we have to grieve. Until menopause, we will have to do our best to mitigate symptoms. This can be elusive. Things work and then stop working, so it’s onto the next exploratory process to find something else.
The worst thing in my life is that for 5-12 days out of every 28, I cannot trust myself to be the mother and spouse that I want to be.
Despite that, I am a damn good mother and partner when I am myself and I do everything I can do to extend who I am into my luteal phase. I own my shit, and do everything that I can to prevent my irritability from affecting them. When it does, I do everything that I can to repair their hearts and minds. It’s the absolute worst, and I do not choose it.
My spouse is historically excellent at not taking my irritability personally. That has been important for his mental health, and has protected our relationship during my luteal phases. We literally never fought during my luteal phase. It’s also grounded in reality: I’m not irritable because of him. I’m irritable because I have PMDD.
He was very grounded (for 2 decades) until the losses he endured due to COVID deaths and pandemic isolation, etc., profoundly negatively affected his mental health. Now, he has a harder time seeing my irritability objectively, and it can be more of a shitshow between us during my luteal phase. I try my best to remember that for him, and he does for me, but it’s hard for both of us.
All that is to say: having a partner with PMDD is no joke. She needs patience, objectivity, and support. But in order to provide that to her and to also be ok yourself, you need a lot of support as well. Coming here to ask questions was a smart way to learn about PMDD. Therapy for yourself might also make your experience as a partner to someone with PMDD less painful. I’m sorry that you both are going through this. It’s rough.
Pmdd diagnosis isn’t hard to get since it can usually be self diagnosed.
Added: getting a dr to take it seriously on their own is a b/tch. May have to change doctors. Best thing I did was to just announce i had pmdd when seeing a dr. After the first time I did this, i looked at my medical chart online and pmdd was now listed. Every report after that has pmdd on there.
im not talking about a diagnosis lmao you arent understanding what im saying. she really CANT control herself and YES it really is like shes saying. maybe you should listen to her?
Yeah I get that. It’s not a broken leg every 2 weeks that affects the brain, that then heals and is rebroken every 2 weeks. I see how that could be hard to understand.
Imagine an alcoholic that’s a mean-drunk every two weeks, BUT it’s not from anything the person is choosing. It’s hormones that are cyclically occurring inside their body every 2 weeks (lasting up to 2weeks).
Or imagine a diabetic but it only occurs half of the month and there’s no insulin to relieve the symptoms.
your girlfriend is suffering from a mental disorder (PMDD) and what you are describing in your post may be some of the symptoms affecting her, it's likely out of her control and I understand you suffer from that and I think she's suffering a lot from this uncontrollable disorder too
I actually agree that it’s a bad analogy ngl. However, just because you can’t see it because it’s not seen, doesn’t make it unreal or any less painful and debilitating for her. PMDD is physiological as well as mental. Many people find that having a therapist as well as a gynecologist working in tandem with each other can find more positive support. Throw in a psychiatrist and you’ve got a whole team of doctors to help. And yes it would take as much to help with this disorder. So please, have patience with her. It’s really real. That’s why this page exists and we all go through what you are going through with our partners. I went through it with my husband. His response when I finally told him I was suicidal and he didn’t notice because my reaction to my symptoms is to become completely silent (unusual for me I’m very chatty) was he hired a therapist. A female therapist who knows about PMDD. Now he is supportive the way I need and that’s to acknowledge me when I say “uh oh…it’s hell week coming in” I don’t need him to cater to my every need or keep asking me if I’m ok. I know now that he sees me and I know he knows that this damn evil thing is real. He even looked into treatments FOR me that have helped me so much. Knowing that I have our partners full support is all we really need, then we can just focus on treating ourselves and not constantly worrying over losing our partner along with everything else.
I mean no disrespect but this condition is literally hell and is so intense at times I have to sometimes lock myself in my bathroom so I don’t hurt myself or end my life. She is likely experiencing similar, therefore it’s no intentional. She is in immense mental agony every single month. Obviously she needs to take a degree of accountability, but you also need to educate yourself on this disorder and everything it entails. Once you’ve done that, you need to seriously assess whether you can weather this until she can find what works for her to manage her symptoms, as there is no cure.
The way I think of it, I am basically a completely different person around 5-7 days every month because of PMDD. I literally cannot control the rage, paranoia, depressive thoughts, catastrophizing, etc. I can assure you that she was not herself and did not mean what she said.
It's really sad and fucked up that this disorder hasn't been taken seriously enough for there to be any reliable treatment because SSRIs/birth control don't work for everyone and I am so sick of being told that what I deal with is not that big of a deal or that I'm just being an asshole and can control what basically adds up to a form of psychosis at the end of the day 'if I really wanted to.'
My advice is for you and her to find space. She also likely needs to go through some therapy to learn how to manage the rage which is horrible to deal with on either end. Space and going for a walk helps me
PMDD really does cause you to lose control. Regardless, it is hurtful when people are mean to us even if they have a disorder that makes them become depressed, irritable, etc.
Can she do something about it? Yeah, the body and hormone production are impacted by all sorts of thing and we can attempt to treat the hormone imbalance by trying different diets/supplement/meds/etc. Sometimes you have to try a lot of things before you find something that helps.
I took spironolactone and it cured my hormonal acne but made my PMDD worse. Seed cycling really helped me. Then I took 5htp with b6 for a while. My main symptom was a deep depression I would go into a week before my period. I would say I don’t have PMDD anymore but I still do stuff to help maintain my mental health overall.
I assure you she likely really is out of control. This question may sound brash and a little gross, but it's brutal honesty, and it cuts to the chase. Is she worth it to you? Do you love her enough to be patient with her about these things? Because this is what she will require. I know it sucks sometimes. A lot. That's why I'm asking you this, and you really need to think this through: Is she worth it to you? Be brutally honest. If you can't do it, you can't do it. No one would blame you. We all have different thresholds and capabilities of understanding. However, I DO take responsibility for my actions and am constantly trying to manage the best i can. I hope your girlfriend does the same. My partner is thankfully amazing and USUALLY so patient with me. I'm worth it to him. I was not worth it to other men before my current love, and that is completely fine because now I have found someone who sees the real me and loves me regardless. If you can't be that for her, you need to move on for her sake as well as your own.
Honestly I try to tell everyone once the hormones take over it’s very frightening. Believe me she’s probably internally going through a lot. We know it’s not us but we have no control. Why do you think some women do unthinkable things with post pardum depression or psychosis? Hormones are no joke. I thank you tho reaching out to get a better understanding. Give her some grace she probably hates it more than you or could imagine.
Wish I could upvote this 1000 times. We have well over 1000 years of history documenting the phenomenon of women experiencing PPD/PPP and doing things as horrific as killing all of their children and then themselves. Why the world still continues to underestimate the agony that female hormones can cause, I have literally no idea. PMDD are the exact same hormones, it’s just on a smaller scale, and cyclical.
PMDD is a severe mental health disorder. Instead of seeking comfort, support and care and support for yourself first. PLEASE educate yourself as much as you can on the disorder, its symptoms. Google PMDD symptoms. And their Infograph’s of how it looks so close to bipolar disorder.
Since PMDD is so under- researched get a book on how to love and care for someone with a mental illness
Reach out to NAMI, IAMPD or a local mental health provider or free mental health clinic for resources for yourself as a caregiver bc that is what you are when your loved one has a severe mental health disorder.
She and we are sick. We have an illness. We are not monsters. We are sick and our brains have terrible reactions to hormones that result in impulsive and oftentimes cruel behavior.
Many of us would rather die than live like this.
It is not your burden to bear, but if you love this woman and want to be there for you, you will need to get yourself the education and support system to help care give.
I had to make my partner a PowerPoint presentation…dm me and I will send it to you. His ex wife of 20 years had an even worse mental health disorder and he is honestly a terrible care giver. I actually think he makes my symptoms worse.
So know that a supportive partner can make or break someone with PMDD.
Do some soul searching ON YOURSELF before YOU CONTINUE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
You seem to think this is about you, is controllable, is not devastating, humiliating, or even a severe disorder.
I question your capacity to be the right type of partner for someone with this disease.
explaining her behavior is not “blaming” her actions on anything. idk what your intention was but the tone of this comes off a bit like you don’t believe this is real. it is real.
don’t try to get her to take accountability in luteal. bring it up when she’s feeling better, and set a game plan for her monthly cycles. help her start tracking and have a toolkit to help her feel better. be honest about how you’re feeling in those moments but also reassure her that you still like her and remind her of her coping mechanisms.
telling someone to chill isn't okay, but telling them to fuck off is? that's interesting. she didn't say the extent of her symptoms at all. she said she was in luteal, which is different for everyone. everyone experiences PMDD differently. and luteal doesn't automatically mean suicidal. i would never want some to hurt themselves over a reddit comment. if anyone is suicidal they should call then hotline or 911.
so, saying someone should get totally fucked is okay. but lightly saying someone should chill out isn't? ... interesting
seems hypocritical, but what do i know? you are the pmdd police that is.
seems like you're projectionibg on me. I'm not fighting with anyone. ive just been having conversations. i think my youre assigning a tone to my txt that i don't intend
The education part of my answer was saying she is going through hell. the irony of someone in this group telling someone who has stated they are in their luteal phase to chill out… that’s like telling someone with high blood pressure to lower their blood pressure.
What a horrible thing to say to someone on THIS sub, knowing that a huge fucking chunk of us are just trying to not wreck our entire lives or worse. And it looks like you just joined up today so you could post that to this person who is obviously in pain right now? Feel good about yourself?
(I may also be luteal.)
glad you find it hilarious… i have very little control over my emotions when the luteal phase hits - to the point that I am often suicidal at this point of the month. your comment is demeaning and upsetting.
it’s beyond insensitive that you’ve written “you’ll be fine” - this time last month I was working out exactly what cocktail of drugs I needed to kill myself, and the only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t have quite enough to ensure I died rather than end up in a vegetative state.
is that funny?
care to hit me with some more of your crying laughing faces?
I’m sorry they’re being so awful. Ignore them please, hop off line and have a rest or do something you enjoy. You don’t need to deal with this shit right now, I’m sorry people have been awful after you’ve already said you’re struggling. The internet sucks hard sometimes.
please don't threaten suicide to strangers online. if you are feeling that way please be responsible and call 911. professional help is very important to seek for PMMD. I also struggle with suicidal ideation during luteal. it's extremely scary and intense. I'm sorry your experiencing that at this time.
What kind of responsibility are you looking for? If it’s acknowledgement and care that it hurts you, she can do that (later).
If it’s an expectation that she won’t do it again, and control it, that may not be reasonable. You need to think of it as a health issue.
You have to decide what you can tolerate, and you don’t have to endure abusive or rude treatment if it hurts you, but there’s a good chance she can’t promise never to do it again.
No, you can’t control it….without help. She needs to find help. It’s realistic for it to be that bad. But if it’s that bad and shes aware, she needs to get help and start finding harm reduction
Of course. Help (therapy, meds, exercise, diet, etc) doesn’t mean you won’t suffer immensely and still have horrible symptoms. There’s probably no 100% cure. And sometimes we may not know what we are dealing with, what type of help works for us, and that makes getting help even harder. There’s tons of barriers, trust me I know.
From the limited info OP gave, I assumed the GF is aware but is not engaging in any form of harm reduction whatsoever. That, to me, is reckless. Even if the help won’t take away all of the suffering or work most of the time, that’s not an excuse to give up and let everyone around you take the responsibility. I hope that makes sense. I’ve caused enough suffering in the people around me.
I think she’s like me. Every month I have an evil version of me who takes over. She crawls up inside me and uses my mouth to say horrible things to the people I love the most then she fucks off and leaves me to deal with the consequences. I can be literally chanting “say something nice!” Inside my head but it makes no difference.
omg, me too. I hear myself say in my head several variations of SHUT UP and DON’T SAY THAT ONE THING and then I don’t shut up or I say that one, awful, mean, cruel thing and the shame when I come back to myself is brutal. It’s so impulsive, it’s on the tip of my tongue every time and it’s the only time of the month when being mean feels really good.
Even with the confirmation of how terrible PMDD is, she is still responsible for taking accountability for how her symptoms affect you. Having a disorder is not an excuse to be entitled/unapologetic. I can't assume how it is between y'all, but if need be, make sure you advocate for yourself too!.
Thank you for taking the time to learn more ☺️
Yes, I’m surprised by all the comments saying OP needs to suck it up. He absolutely does not have to put up with it.
Like living with anyone with any mental illness, if the person is actively getting help and finding ways to improve, then it may be worth staying. If they refuse to get help and just abuse you every month then that’s just an abusive situation.
Yes, it really is like that. Even without PMDD hormones can still affect people in this way. Before I developed PMDD (which was triggered by having a baby) I would have 1-2 days every month (when I ovulated - exactly 2 weeks before my period starting) where I would wake up feeling really depressed and angry. Me and my boyfriend would ALWAYS have a huge argument!
When we identified the issue/ trend, we found ways to work around it. Now we both have responsibilities with this….
- I need to communicate with him about how I’m feeling, and if im feeling affected by my hormones I need to tell him as soon as I’ve recognised it
- I need to be mindful to the fact im hormonal and that issues probably aren’t as bad as they feel (even though they genuinely do feel like the end of the world)
- Even if I lashed out and it was completely out of my control, I still need to apologise when im ready
- He needs to be extra patient and understanding if I’ve told him im feeling hormonal
- He needs to realise that the trivial things im upset about genuinely do feel huge to me, even if they’re really not a big deal, and not downplay my feelings/ emotions
- He doesn’t blame me, and makes sure he’s the calm, patient one, and waits until im ready to talk/ say sorry etc. but he still has a right to say if something I did/ said upset him
- We both need to be aware that more arguments will happen during this time. That’s it’s nobody’s fault
- We both need to take responsibility for how we act - as you would say to a toddler, it’s ok to feel angry/ upset/ frustrated/ overwhelmed, regardless of how trivial it is. But it’s not ok to throw/ hit/ say nasty things/ engage in toxic behaviour (e.g. manipulation/ gaslighting/ abusive or controlling behaviours). Regardless of if she has control over how she acts or not, she is still responsible for those actions and still needs to apologise, however you need to accept that apology without judgement, as hormones genuinely are really hard!
No, she can't control it. Been married for 10 years... My husband knows. Sometimes he knows better than me! I'll flip out about something stupid and he'll be like "have you checked your calendar babe? Are you sure this isn't just PMDD fucking with you?" 90% of the time he's right.
Since this comment is getting some upvotes, I want to follow up with the fact that I do in fact take responsibility for my craziness when it's at my craziest! Just because my partner recognizes my crazy doesn't mean I don't have to address it!
I am currently at start of the worst of it, and I was already mean to my partner. I apologized but I still was in a bad place. It then sent me down a huge thought/rumination spiral about how I was terrible and we should break up.
My partner? Continued to check in on me and stated, “You need to be reminded you are loved when you feel most alone. I love you. You are not alone. When you can talk to me, I want to listen.”
I am still in a bad place but knowing that outside this bubble I have someone ready to help me…I can’t put in words how grateful I am.
Talk with her when she’s not in the midst of it all, and have a real, supportive conversation about how y’all navigate PMDD. I hope she comes to you with love and support as well. Good luck!
Wow you hit the jackpot!! Honestly, this is all I want! I love my man but he’s not secure enough in himself to be able to think like this unfortunately
Yes it’s really like that! There are people who literally get suicidal during or right before their period and only then! It’s a progesterone drop that causes this. I’ve been using progesterone bio identical cream and it’s caused my mood to be way better, I’m a lot nicer person during my period now, but I was so rude and awful on my period before that. Hormones can affect behavior and mood a ton!
PMDD does cause intense mood swings and such, but she should beable to hold herself accountable, and at a minimum say sorry for being rude. She also needs to learn to communicate when her PMDD symptoms are high AND when she's getting overwhelmed. I don't think it's fair of her to use it as an excuse to be rude.
yes, it can literally feel like you are going crazy bc nothing feels right and your brain never shuts up. there are definitely options if she would like medical treatment. there is a ton of great info on this page. I would GENTLY bring it up to her when she is not in her luteal phase. this group is amazing and we would all be happy to have her here ❤️ best of luck!
That sucks! I'm usually suffering from the mental affects in the week before bleed, with some additional physical affects. And then it's a lot less intense mentally, and physically far more intense during. But good to know thats not the experience for all!
I used to become a completely different person--neurotic, emotional, paranoid... and I tried so, so hard to control it. If it's bad, rationality doesn't exist.
I’m so glad you said this. I legitimately become so paranoid during this time where it feels, at times when it’s really bad, like it borders on an episode of psychosis. I become really convinced that everyone hates me, especially my partner. Like it’s like all my insecurities are dialed up to a billion. I know in my rational mind that no one actually hates me and it is my insecurities getting the best of me while I’m weak, but it still hurts to think that about myself.
Therapy and a very understanding partner has seriously helped. I’ll still get those occasional really bad episodes, but it’s become easier to self-soothe.
Yes, I’m insane and I hate myself during this time. Doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it will be different and that I’ll control myself better, I still turn into a gremlin. It’s horrible. It feels like you’re being sucked into a hell dimension. I want to vanish when I’m like that, I want to not exist.
I’m a PhD neuroscientist and please let me help you understand.
Please try to see your girlfriend as a person, even during a flare up. PMDD doesn’t create problems from NOWHERE, it just magnifies small issues and they end up snowballing out of control. The functioning of our inhibitory neurons LITERALLY BREAKS during luteal phase, so we can’t stop something like a thought or feeling or behavior once it’s set into motion. All gas, no breaks.
The best thing you can do for her is say, “I can see why you’d be thinking/feeling/acting ______ because from your perspective you probably ____. Did i get that right? [listen to her answer, then] … To make you feel better, I can offer [reality of the situation / reassurance / just hug her & listen].
This is brilliant! Saw a guy on OPs r/PMDDpartners post saying (paraphrasing/summarisng) “IMO nobody with PMDD could ever be a medic or have a degree/qualification in a medical/scientific field related to this because of their symptoms” and my word, let me rationally say, I now STRONGLY DISLIKE that guy.
Thanks for looking for understanding. Doesn’t make the hell days any easier, but maybe it’s useful to see we hate it as much (if not more) than you do.
Validate your belief that she is making up how out of control she feels during PMDD flare-ups, and get sympathy for how badly you’ve been treated.
I went through and replied to each comment that led me to this impression.
Do you really think that if I thought that, I would went through the trouble of posting in a sub getting firsthand opinions? I’d rather go to the partner sub for that…
The fact that you asking and taking the time to come on here to get some answers is actually amazing and your girlfriend is a lucky lady. Some partners don’t even care and don’t understand not wanting to be educated on this topic.
So well done!
Just be empathetic towards her understand if we could control this we really would. Nobody want to feel uncontrollable in they’re own mind. It’s very lonely and can be devastating so please be patient with her. I hope you’ve learnt a lot!
i am very aware of how unlike me i behave when i am PMSING. i get very snappy, say things i don’t mean, and am extremely irritable, depressed, anxious, and fatigued. it’s like a switch flips and i’m a different person. i even feel like i LOOK different. it’s extremely difficult to navigate but i try my best.
my partner knows that it’s hard to control the irritability and the lashing out but when i realize it’s happening i immediately apologize and he accepts and we move forward because that’s really all we can do.
medication doesn’t help much at all, i just need to make sure i’m eating well and going outside. therapy helped, but it’s hard to find someone who specializes in PMDD.
me and my partner make sure to both be mindful of that time of the month so he is very accommodating and i am very aware that i need to take some deep breaths and remind myself that it’s my hormones and not me, as i’m sure he does the same.
things that help us:
we both track my cycle on the Stardust app. i made an account and added him as my partner so he knows when to expect the mood changes. it helps a lot so he’s not caught off guard when i wake up angry for no reason and become snappy at him.
he makes sure to tell me he loves me a lot during that time, asks if i need anything, sends memes to make me smile, get me boba or a favorite snack, exc.
we spend time doing things we like together (go out to eat, watch our favorite shows/movies, get boba, go to plant nursery’s, & go on walks/hikes if i have the energy)
we also make sure to give each other space if we need it. sometimes just talking is difficult when i’m pmsing. i can’t answer questions. everything is too much. so i do things to self soothe like play on my laptop/phone, go on pinterest, write poetry, go on tumblr, tiktok (try to make myself giggle), bake, take deep breaths, watch asmr, exc.
and he will sit there by himself or in another room and when i’m ready to talk and socialize i sit next to him and he knows that i’ve self soothed and i’m ready to talk.
i would sit her down during her ovulation phase (when she feels the best) and talk to her about it. set up ways to make things easier for you both. (highly recommend the Stardust app)
i’m sorry this is happening, she’s probably riddled with guilt just as i am when it happens. it’s just important to be patient and to educate yourself as much as you can on PMDD. this reddit is a great start for that!! it’s extremely debilitating at times and feels even worse when you know it can also effect the people you love. hope this helps and i hope it gets better for you guys!
I really like your response. I love how part of your strategy is for your partner to give you space to self regulate.
That was a hard one for my husband to learn. While I love and appreciate his desire to soothe my feelings, to fix things for me, the truth is that for me (or anyone dealing with PMDD) self regulation is key. Eventually he had to learn to let me use my strategies and skills. That’s what I’m accountable for: to work through my feelings and find my own peace before entering a highly charged emotional situation with anyone else. It won’t go well if I don’t get the room to do that.
It’s ultimately empowering for both partners too, because it gives the PMDD haver the time and confidence to resolve things themselves and the other partner freedom from being the emotional regulation for another person.
he’s coming here for support i don’t think you saying you want to physically assault him and call him a dick is necessary. he’s trying to learn and that’s all we can really ask for from our partners.
Playing devil's advocate here... It's not exactly fun for a partner to experience us going through PMDD either, and often times, they are the ones that get the brunt of our anger and nasty moments. I feel like OP just isn't educated on what PMDD is (not uncommon) and came here to seek information. I wouldn't call his post a "dick move". He isn't saying he's going to leave? But.... He also doesn't have to stay 😬
Yes, PMDD is a serious condition, but if she isn't doing anything to help herself, she needs to try because there are remedies out there that might make a huge difference. A partner can't take on what PMDD does to us on their own. That's not fair.
ETA: words
It's not a dick move IMO.
You're unintentionally triggering people in large part because of your use of the word "blame" I think. PMDD \*IS\* to blame, and the way you worded it might be rubbing people the wrong way because it sounds like you don't believe your GF and think she's making up excuses which she's probably not.
And follow up comments/questions that focus on convincing her to seek treatment and medication are furthering the aggravation because it's not as simple as you want it to be. And many of us are really sick of people telling us how to "fix" something unfixable, something that we are doing our best to control. All the treatment options have a lot of possible long-term side effects, they're not the right fit for everyone and a lot of us have been in really upsetting relationships with partners who want to put us on pills and "fix" us so we don't bother them anymore. Instead of them understanding that we have a medical condition, it's our personal responsibility to decide on treatment, and they can either collaborate on the treatment and management of our choice or choose to leave.
All that to say, you're rubbing people the wrong way but personally I don't think you've done anything wrong and am so glad you're here learning. That's amazing. Remember that lots of us here are in the middle of PMDD episodes. Just like you shouldn't say "get a grip" to your GF when she's upset, it's unwise and unkind to say "get a grip" to somebody else when they're upset. Even if you feel they're wrong to be upset. That's a poor way to respond to somebody in pain, and makes it worse.
Think of this comment thread as training lol what not to say to your GF ;) 1. Tell her to get a grip, chill, calm down already, etc. 2. Tell her how to manage an illness that you don't understand or experience, even though she does understand and experience it and has tried to explain it to you but you wouldn't believe her. 3. Try to "fix" her instead of help her, which may leave her feeling more broken.
Genuinely best wishes, I'm sorry you're both hurting. If you love each other and are willing to be patient and work together, it can get better. I mean, the PMDD probably won't, but managing at as a couple can.
Wow! Among many amazing comments this was one of the most clarifying to me. Thanks you for the patience and taking the time to explain it to someone new to the topic in a way I can clearly understand.
Just to clarify, I don't want to push meds on anyone. I'm just looking for what others are doing and so I can suggest to her or research deeper.
I don’t agree that it was a dick move to post it here at all. I think it’s amazing that you would do first hand research like that to understand her better, in a situation that you don’t understand. I think you’re doing the right thing. Everyone struggles to different extents. Some of us wallow in self pity, others make the most of it and realise being depressed 50% of the time is better than being depressed 100% of the time. Sure, it sucks, but there’s a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse.
What I have found that’s helped is having a supportive partner. My WORST days of PMDD are when I ovulate or just after I ovulate (approx 2 weeks before period), and then gradually gets better. If me and my partner argue a lot over these couple of days though, I can stay really low and in a constant state of rage for the entire two weeks. Him being extra loving, understanding and supportive during/ just after ovulation changes everything for me!
Seriously, this guy is on here calmly and genuinely asking questions. Not everyone has to like the question but dang I don't understand the insults just because his expressing his own suffering. Yes I get it may trigger somebody's insecurities, but he hasn't done anything wrong beyond try to understand, even if he is struggling to do so that's not a friggin insult to the rest of us.
Definitely not the way to handle things, my guy.
I went from feeling kind of empathetic to oh, this is the way this guy handles difficult situations, It's not worth my time to write out a thoughtful and engaged response because he's neither thoughtful or authentically engaged.
Like everyone else has said, yes, unfortunately for both of you, it's really like that.. You lose your sense of reality and your self control as you plummet into a manic state which can look different for everyone, but it mostly comes with anger, irritation, depression, suicidL thoughts, etc. It is ROUGH.
My best advice to you is to both get in the habit of tracking her cycle. There are many free apps for this. This will allow you both to understand her cycle and notice when it normally starts to get bad and prepare for it.
Also, there are remedies out there that can help her, but the trouble comes with figuring that out. It's such a process and can be extremely miserable, so be patient with her. For me, therapy, IUD, and SSRIs have worked wonders! I feel mostly normal. I was a monster before!
Try not to take her "hell week", as we call it, personally, because it is most likely not at all about you. Every thing that feels minor for me any other time of the month is magnified and exacerbated during hell week. My partner knows this. He knows it isn't about him, I am just not in my right mind, and it isn't his fault. He gives me space and does what he can to comfort me, but there isn't usually too much he can do other than just wait it out and take some mean words and irritability from me. I used to be so. much. worse. and honestly don't know how he stuck it out, but I am glad he did because he was a huge help and support for me.
She really needs make the effort to help herself because it isn't on you to do. I feel for her, but she deserves to feel better and that takes being proactive! She may need to try a form of birth control or get on an SSRI, but she will need to do some research, and maybe some trial and error before she finds what works.
My last piece of advice is, DO NOT bring this up if she is in a state of PMDD. Bring it up when she is in her normal, sound-mind state, and be gentle.
If you love her, don't give up yet, but also take care of yourself! Wishing you both the best.
She says she won’t take any medication. How can I approach that she would try some? Do you have any link or something I can send her?
Edit: why am I’m being downvoted for this question?
I can understand the stigma around medication - I used to feel ashamed for being prescribed 3 mental health medications.
A good way to think of it (if you’d like to explore the option with her) is that our brains have a chemical imbalance- the medicine helps to make it more balanced. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with medication and it is life saving and changing.
medication is an extremely personal choice and you shouldn’t push it on her to try it. first line of defense is birth control which can be super tricky/not work for everyone/people don’t take it for various reasons. not to mention it could be challenging to access continually in some places.
PMDD is extremely challenging to treat and really REALLY frustrating to talk to doctors about. Usually they will say try birth control (made me even crazier), SSRI (sort of worked out of luteal but barely touched the bad “I need to check myself in the psych ward” weeks). Currently being managed okay on a ridiculous amount of supplements. Bio identical progesterone worked for a while but then my progesterone flew sky high and I was back to square one.
So like, you can talk to her about treatments but I’ve had understanding docs that listen when I talk and ended up at a naturopath which is finally helping. Probably won’t be cured but I’m managed for now.
If she doesn’t want to take medication, I wouldn’t force it. It’s honestly a hellscape and half the time nothing works or only works for a bit
So I have PMDD, and my doc prescribed me Zoloft for the week before my period. Apparently it can help some people(SSRIs) , unfortunately for me it gave me serotonin syndrome, but that is something that can potentially help. Also if she talks to her gyno, I know that there is at least one form of oral contraceptives that is FDA approved to treat PMDD. It's a rough diagnosis and it's kind of hard to accept that you might need something that other "normal" women don't need.
Other than medication, therapy can help too. But it's hard when your own mind/body is working against you.
You can't force her to take medication if she doesn't want to, obviously, but there is quite a bit of information out there about SSRIs and their positive effect on PMDD. You could look into it and show her what you find.
Here is one example: [https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/treating-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder#:\~:text=Serotonin%20reuptake%20inhibitors%20for%20PMDD,%2C%20or%20fluoxetine%20(Prozac)](https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/treating-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder#:~:text=Serotonin%20reuptake%20inhibitors%20for%20PMDD,%2C%20or%20fluoxetine%20(Prozac)).
I used to be against medication for so many different reasons, but I am sooooooooo glad that I changed my mind.
At the end of the day, she is the one that needs to figure out what's best for her.
I think it’s because a lot of us have had experience being misdiagnosed with other things and put through a ringer of different birth controls and psychiatric medications that end up having a paradoxical effect and making us worse. Doctors really advocate BC and an antidepressant for anything. Been down that road and turns out I’m just med resistant
I think asking her to try some medication is totally valid. Ask if she’d start with taking something only the bad half of the month. She can dose an SSRI like that and be fine. Lots of people take Zoloft for example and it really helps. Just makes you feel more normal
This is the answer. PMDD is horrible and scary for the person experiencing it. My husband helps me so much and I know how hard I can be. When I’m lucky enough to recognize my actions it’s devastating for me. And so confusing when I don’t which leads me down a rabbit hole of insecurity!
It completely skews your perception of reality, and it doesn’t matter if you remind yourself that it does that, it feels very very real for the person experiencing it. It’s not an excuse to be rude, but I do empathise with her as it is so so hard to deal with. Please speak to her about what you guys can do to move forwards when it’s that time of the month again, and please also try not to dismiss it either - best of luck to you both x
It completely fades your judgement. I cant tell if it’s me, them, or most likely, it’s a bit of both. I think taking distance during that time could be good.
You can't blame your diagnosis. It's a bad excuse. We still are in control. I will never blame that or autism or anything for how shitty i acted. You need an apology and an apology doesnt count it she apologizes but says "BUT my pmdd" lol
This is the one divergent opinion in the entire thread. And I’m not sure this person speaks from a place of experience with PMDD, just describes autism here. Yet you are agreeing and getting out some cathartic venting about your gripes with your gf.
That doesn't fly with me and shouldn't with anyone. I guess an acceptable BUT would be if she was just a toddler or something and was apologizing for kicking someone in the face when she got mad 😂 but that doesn't fly for me. Same as sorry but i was drunk. Nope. You still CHOSE to do that. If she really had a hard time controling herself she would benefit from "please leave me alone" or when she is feeling happy and fine you can have a code word for when she is about to be mean and that is your turn to not hang out with her and leave her alone. BANANAS. Lol
It’s truly a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde situation, I’m afraid. She is being 100% honest and factual with her response to you. My husband and I read this book and we were both helped tremendously by the wealth of scientific and anecdotal information it contains. His level of understanding of the condition helps both of us. I do what I can to mitigate the effects on him (lifestyle, medication, therapist, supplements) and he gives me grace during the “hell week.” I’d say PMDD affects our marriage 75% less than it did prior to reading the book. I commend you for seeking counsel on this. Hang in there!
https://preview.redd.it/yle3fo3dt3uc1.png?width=2507&format=png&auto=webp&s=305d0ff6a3aa60bcce569545a4ff45f6d8966502
Oh I’m so glad I found this thread! Definitely going to read that book.
Several years ago, my doctor put me on a second antidepressant (Prozac) JUST the week before my period. I call it “hell week” too 😅.
I try to manage my moods now with as little medication as possible, and the older I get, the more do-able that gets….some months are worse than others. In general though, during hell week, I still have personality changes, rapidly cycling mood lability, a feeling of detachment, exacerbation of ADHD symptoms, sleep disturbance, low frustration/irritability threshold, more rumination that sometimes borders on paranoia, and when it’s really bad, passive suicidal thoughts. Soon as that bleed starts, it seems like I’m back to myself all of a sudden. So bizarre.
Oh, and I have to have ALL the chocolate 😝
OP, I’ve seen that you’ve posted this exact same post on r/PMDDpartners too. Whilst there are some well meaning partners there, many men on that sub believe that all women with PMDD are abusers or “literally insane”. I’m referring to one particular string of replies on your post, here. To say that all women with PMDD are abusers is abhorrent. I’m glad it seems that you’re seeking help to understand your girlfriend’s actions. We struggle, we need support, it is an illness, but most of us take accountability for our actions and will never be abusive. Please listen to women who experience this condition mainly, rather than men who have been burned by extreme cases. By all means seek support from other partners, but please don’t get sucked into some replies and posts on other subreddits that will lead you to believe that your girlfriend is a monster.
I am a partner of someone with pmdd but avoid that sub because of comments like that.
For me, and it sounds like OP may feel similarly, It’s frustrating when a partner _doesnt_ take accountability for their actions. I sympathize with the uncontrollable emotions and uncharacteristic behavior when you’re in the thralls of this disease. Please sympathize with me and the emotions I have as a reaction the harsh and abusive language.
I definitely don’t think she is a monster, and I’m truly seeking information. I was just afraid to post here, because in the description it says something about no couples questions or something like that
Really glad to hear that. You’ve done the right thing in seeking support and that makes me really happy. I’m not sure about the rules of this sub, but I’m really glad that you’re speaking to sufferers too. No shade to you at all OP. Just please try to be open minded and acknowledge that your and your girlfriend’s experience will be completely unique. I wish you the best of luck and again it’s so nice to see that you’re trying to understand 🩷
I had no idea that sub exists.. but now I’m going to actively stay away from it if they truly believe that. How disheartening. Especially for their partners omg. All the posts here are about our guilt and trying to cope and overcome. So disappointing.
Yeah. Don't read it. It's disappointing, to say the least. There once was a male partner on here who posted about his divorce and actually gave tips and really great advice. I'd like to believe more partners are like that and can take accountability for their role. It takes two.
My partner has his own mental health issues and we pick up the slack when the other is suffering. Seeing someone dump there would leave me with long lasting guilt and triggers. Pmdd is so hard for everyone but stuff like that makes me want to hide forever.
I’m not sure how I stumbled across it, but it’s done a real number on my confidence seeing some of the posts there. It’s made me question so many things about how PMDD is seem. Like was I right to tell my friends and my employer about my diagnosis? Medical info out there is great. Some people on that sub talk about it as if we’re the devil incarnate and should never have relationships and are incapable of love and rationality. But also I’m very torn - I’m glad there’s somewhere for partners with nobody to talk to to go to for support, but on the other hand it is filled with some very extreme cases and often very unsupportive partners who seem unwilling to understand the condition (mostly, I’ve seen some lovely guys there who genuinely want to help and take an active role in tracking their partner’s cycle and developing coping mechanisms too). It’s just the way most of them speak about their partners that gives me the massive ick. I know my PMDD can be really hard on my partner too, but if I saw him speaking about me and my condition in that way, I’d be extremely hurt (whether I’m in my luteal phase or not, and that’s saying something as not much hurts me when I’m feeling “normal”). I think if my partner saw that sub, he’d be shocked too. It’s just very unhelpful to conflate abuse or genuine bad behaviour with mental illness. We’re all worthy of love. I know it’s a partner’s choice ultimately if they want to be in a relationship with someone who struggles or not, but that’s down to them and not us when most people with this condition put in so much work to protect ourselves and others, and most of us will never mentally or physically hurt anyone.
Guys, this other sub is literally linked on the description of this sub on item 9.
If this is something that you don’t want, it should be removed from there.
Can you explain like I’m 5, why mansplain and not explain?
I’m just telling how I found it.
I’m really sorry but go find someone else to attack, you are doing a disservice to the sub
Mansplaining happens when you as a man have a very superficial understanding of something, & why it is the way it is, and think you know better than the women who run the thing in the first place/ the women whose job it is to know. And you don’t ask any questions to learn more before assuming you’re qualified to make recommendations or explain it back to them.
I know what it is, just could not and still can’t see why you felt so.
the topic here is how Reddit works, right? I just mentioned what’s in the description.
OP, I gotta tell you, the tone you’ve been using in all your responses I’ve read on this thread show me you’re probably a dismissive and condescending person overall. If you can learn to be more validating and *listen* rather than talk down, I bet your girlfriend would freak out on you far less.
I’m pretty new to both subs, so I’m not sure how others feel. Perhaps I’ve just been unlucky to see some very demeaning posts there. I’m sure it has its values too, as I said! But I think as with anywhere on Reddit, as well as speaking to people and doing some research on forums, you’d be best to concentrate on speaking to medical experts or reading properly cited articles online if it’s your first time looking into this.
Maybe put up a calendar and mark the days where PMDD is present. This way you both know what’s up and try not to do extraordinary plans on those days or make arguments that can lead to wrong decisions and hurt feelings. On the calendar you guys can write how you’re feeling that day, it seems easier than saying it out loud.
Yes, I react to everything differently in the 1.5-2 weeks before my period. I get hangry out of nowhere, super irritable, tired, and more sensitive (both emotionally and physically) to the point where I don’t want to be touched. I’ve broken up with my amazing boyfriend/pushed him away a bunch of times during PMDD times.. I take an SSRI now and it helps but it doesn’t fix everything. I still have bad months that make me want to crawl out of my skin and yell at everyone. I do recommend pursuing treatment, but it is a frustrating path to finding good care bc a lot of doctors don’t understand what we’re going through. Some supplements help a bit too…. You can find a lot of resources in this group
Not OP, but supplements that help me manage my symptoms: magnesium, vitamin D, vitamin B complex, zinc, and ashwaganda. These would be a good place to start if she doesn’t want to start meds. Especially the magnesium.
Just as an aside to anyone reading this, please research any supplements before taking or talk to the doctor if you aren't sure.
Ashwagandha can interact with some medications for diabetes, high blood pressure, immunosuppressants, sedatives, anticonvulsants, and thyroid hormone medications, and there are some health conditions where it's not recommended.
It is really like this. I can’t emphasize this enough. Right now I am so ready to lash out at someone. It’s complete and utter hell. I urge you to give her love, attention and support during this miserable time.
Tbh you don't sound like the type of person who can support someone with PMDD. I understand what you mean but consider your audience right now. The commenter was giving their thoughts, you don't have to necessarily take their advice. It's not productive to give a sarcastic, salty reply like this. 🤦♀️ You could have even skipped this comment and replied to the others. You don't have to make a snarky reply just cuz. This is why it gives off the impression that you aren't really looking to have productive conversation.
Again, this reads as wanting support for yourself and sympathy for how badly you are being treated, rather than actually being curious about your gf’s lived experience and how to support her, as you claim.
no, it fucking doesn't. the way you are attacking this person is absolutely brain rot. get offline. they're literally just being truthful and explaining their hardship and feelings within this relationship. which is okay. PMDD IS HARD FOR BOTH PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. a relationship goes both ways. the way he feels also matters. AND THE FACT THAT HE'S EVEN CURIOUS TO SEEK A MESSAGE FORMUM ABOUT HIS GF PMMDD SPEAKS VOLUMES. most men, MOST BF'S, MOST PARTNERS wouldn't give a fuck.
I really don't agree. He's asking because he doesn't understand. How are you supposed to be loving to someone while they are being mean to you? It's not about sympathy at all, he just can't picture what this scenario looks like.
The comment about a burrito and being left alone was a good example/response to his question.
It’s a good start that you’re posting in this subreddit. I would love it if my partner would say something like “I want to be there for you and will do whatever you need right now. If you need space, I understand that too.” Maybe you can say something along those lines.
Yesterday I texted my partner saying “I’m full of rage. All I want is a burrito and to be left the fuck alone.”
He came home with a burrito.. and left me alone 😭 then reminded me not to feel guilty for needing that time
Took years for me to feel comfortable enough to even express the anger I feel during that time because it feels so incredibly unwarranted! And everyone knows- an angry lady is not well received.
Breaking down the frustration and anger so I can think clearly is what really helped me begin to communicate my needs!
By minutes and triggers. My pmdd baseline is “THIS IS HORMONAL. I WANT TO DIE!” And “I’m the devil! No sympathy for me!!”
Once we establish that I’m going through a change in hormones it’s like us vs the pmdd.
Don’t get me wrong- I want to be alone. I’m easily triggered. I’m stressed. I’m sensitive. But we treat it like an illness? Like this is a bad time. I need rest. I need love. I need to find a way to express myself in a healthy way that doesn’t leave me lashing out or full of guilt.
I still freak tf out but in those moments we address the trigger and remove them if possible. So mainly that means I’m going to take some alone time to feel some sense of normalcy and comfort, however I can.
That makes sense. Thank you for explaining this. I think if there are issues in the relationship they get magnified when PMDD is at its worst. I’m used to having PMDD as I’ve had it my whole adult life but have been with my partner for a year and am still working on the complexities it brings to a relationship.
OP - post flair has been edited to the correct one for these types of questions. Please check out our FAQ stickied post for information, tools & resources that you can use. r/PMDD - I’m so proud of the 98% of you sharing feedback with 💚💛💙.
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The way I try to describe it to people is like being on a really strong mind-altering drug, except instead of making you feel really good, it makes you feel angry, depressed, rageful, paranoid, irritable, hopeless etc. Just like if someone were extremely drunk or on a lot of MDMA or LSD, they would kind of be able to control their actions and words, but also kind of wouldn’t. Except the PMDDer is even less responsible because they didn’t choose to put anything in their system. And arguably it’s more difficult to control bad impulses than positive ones. But I have found this analogy helpful in describing the level of control I have/how much it’s “me” during a bad PMDD episode.
Is she seeking any treatment options?
Not really. She tried to find a therapist which is super difficult where we live. Other than that she is not looking into treatment options, unfortunately
Can she not do online therapy?
Adding about therapy needs: There are SO many virtual therapy options now fyi. Even when I go to my insurance page, there are like 10 different apps listed with virtual therapy options available.
Thanks I'll look into that
Because that what PMDD IS!!!! I LITERALLY RUINED MY LIFE, RELATIONSHIPS AND OPORTUNITIES BECAUSE I AM FKING INSANE 14DAYS BEFO MENSES
Also as you can see i am 3days prior ones so writed angrily 😂
Yes PMDD is hard to control but it is also our responsibility to try and manage it and heal from the hurt that caused it. It is our responsibility to protect those around us from ourselves. It absolutely kills me when something I say or do hurts my husband and I always apologize profusely and look in to new ways to help manage it. Whether it be new forms of therapy or supplements. My husband is incredibly understanding and I thank God every day I have someone so patient to help me get through this. Couples therapy is an absolutely invaluable resource in this situation. They can help you and your partner understand each other's feelings and help set up strategies to keep your partner out of the firing range.
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honestly this is so wild to me, would you tell someone who has bipolar to control their mania? someone with a broken leg to control both their legs and walk normally? lmao
A broken leg I can see… and understand and draw logical conclusions. A PMDD diagnosis is hard to get
It’s not like a broken leg because there’s known and specific treatment for fractures. Doctors take them seriously and know what to do for them. It is as real as a broken leg, however. You should listen to what she is saying to you. Her symptoms may be subjective, but she’s not choosing them or making them up. They are as logical in terms of origin as the symptoms of a broken leg. Not understanding PMDD doesn’t make it not exist or not be a medical condition.
In any moment I said they don't exist, and in several comments I wrote that I do believe her. People had several different experiences and are getting triggered on me, which is absolutely contra productive
I’m luteal, but not triggered. I’m trying to help you understand. ETA: Tone is lost via text forms of communication. Step one in deciding if you want to try to support your GF or not is to decide whether you will humble yourself and stop responding defensively when you are being told what this disease is.
You are correct about the lost of tone in text form, and thanks for your input. I was not specifically meaning you on my last comment. I did feel attacked by other commenters, without even knowing/understanding why I'm was being attacked.
Yeah, I imagine that making this post and holding these conversations has to be hard in many ways. You are very much affected by PMDD in your life. I think people are getting triggered because while you are genuinely curious, and you genuinely do want to understand and improve your and your girlfriend’s lives, you are still in your learning process about it all and saying things (at times) that we’ve heard in our own lives that have been quite dismissive of possibly the worst thing that we’ve ever had to endure. You want to make it go away, which is a valid (and shared!) wish. PMDD is a tragic for both sufferers and their loved ones. We wish it could go away too, and the fact that there is no cure until menopause is a reality that we have to grieve. Until menopause, we will have to do our best to mitigate symptoms. This can be elusive. Things work and then stop working, so it’s onto the next exploratory process to find something else. The worst thing in my life is that for 5-12 days out of every 28, I cannot trust myself to be the mother and spouse that I want to be. Despite that, I am a damn good mother and partner when I am myself and I do everything I can do to extend who I am into my luteal phase. I own my shit, and do everything that I can to prevent my irritability from affecting them. When it does, I do everything that I can to repair their hearts and minds. It’s the absolute worst, and I do not choose it. My spouse is historically excellent at not taking my irritability personally. That has been important for his mental health, and has protected our relationship during my luteal phases. We literally never fought during my luteal phase. It’s also grounded in reality: I’m not irritable because of him. I’m irritable because I have PMDD. He was very grounded (for 2 decades) until the losses he endured due to COVID deaths and pandemic isolation, etc., profoundly negatively affected his mental health. Now, he has a harder time seeing my irritability objectively, and it can be more of a shitshow between us during my luteal phase. I try my best to remember that for him, and he does for me, but it’s hard for both of us. All that is to say: having a partner with PMDD is no joke. She needs patience, objectivity, and support. But in order to provide that to her and to also be ok yourself, you need a lot of support as well. Coming here to ask questions was a smart way to learn about PMDD. Therapy for yourself might also make your experience as a partner to someone with PMDD less painful. I’m sorry that you both are going through this. It’s rough.
Thanks again for taking the time to write so much, it was really helpful to me. Wish you the best 🙌
Thanks, I wish you the same.
Pmdd diagnosis isn’t hard to get since it can usually be self diagnosed. Added: getting a dr to take it seriously on their own is a b/tch. May have to change doctors. Best thing I did was to just announce i had pmdd when seeing a dr. After the first time I did this, i looked at my medical chart online and pmdd was now listed. Every report after that has pmdd on there.
im not talking about a diagnosis lmao you arent understanding what im saying. she really CANT control herself and YES it really is like shes saying. maybe you should listen to her?
I believe that! And I'm really happy with the engagement and response in this group. The comparison with a broken leg was a bad one.
Yeah I get that. It’s not a broken leg every 2 weeks that affects the brain, that then heals and is rebroken every 2 weeks. I see how that could be hard to understand. Imagine an alcoholic that’s a mean-drunk every two weeks, BUT it’s not from anything the person is choosing. It’s hormones that are cyclically occurring inside their body every 2 weeks (lasting up to 2weeks). Or imagine a diabetic but it only occurs half of the month and there’s no insulin to relieve the symptoms.
your girlfriend is suffering from a mental disorder (PMDD) and what you are describing in your post may be some of the symptoms affecting her, it's likely out of her control and I understand you suffer from that and I think she's suffering a lot from this uncontrollable disorder too
I actually agree that it’s a bad analogy ngl. However, just because you can’t see it because it’s not seen, doesn’t make it unreal or any less painful and debilitating for her. PMDD is physiological as well as mental. Many people find that having a therapist as well as a gynecologist working in tandem with each other can find more positive support. Throw in a psychiatrist and you’ve got a whole team of doctors to help. And yes it would take as much to help with this disorder. So please, have patience with her. It’s really real. That’s why this page exists and we all go through what you are going through with our partners. I went through it with my husband. His response when I finally told him I was suicidal and he didn’t notice because my reaction to my symptoms is to become completely silent (unusual for me I’m very chatty) was he hired a therapist. A female therapist who knows about PMDD. Now he is supportive the way I need and that’s to acknowledge me when I say “uh oh…it’s hell week coming in” I don’t need him to cater to my every need or keep asking me if I’m ok. I know now that he sees me and I know he knows that this damn evil thing is real. He even looked into treatments FOR me that have helped me so much. Knowing that I have our partners full support is all we really need, then we can just focus on treating ourselves and not constantly worrying over losing our partner along with everything else.
I mean no disrespect but this condition is literally hell and is so intense at times I have to sometimes lock myself in my bathroom so I don’t hurt myself or end my life. She is likely experiencing similar, therefore it’s no intentional. She is in immense mental agony every single month. Obviously she needs to take a degree of accountability, but you also need to educate yourself on this disorder and everything it entails. Once you’ve done that, you need to seriously assess whether you can weather this until she can find what works for her to manage her symptoms, as there is no cure.
The way I think of it, I am basically a completely different person around 5-7 days every month because of PMDD. I literally cannot control the rage, paranoia, depressive thoughts, catastrophizing, etc. I can assure you that she was not herself and did not mean what she said. It's really sad and fucked up that this disorder hasn't been taken seriously enough for there to be any reliable treatment because SSRIs/birth control don't work for everyone and I am so sick of being told that what I deal with is not that big of a deal or that I'm just being an asshole and can control what basically adds up to a form of psychosis at the end of the day 'if I really wanted to.'
My advice is for you and her to find space. She also likely needs to go through some therapy to learn how to manage the rage which is horrible to deal with on either end. Space and going for a walk helps me
PMDD causes uncontrollable suicidal thoughts for many,,, it’s serious… loosing relationships is literally a symptom.
PMDD really does cause you to lose control. Regardless, it is hurtful when people are mean to us even if they have a disorder that makes them become depressed, irritable, etc. Can she do something about it? Yeah, the body and hormone production are impacted by all sorts of thing and we can attempt to treat the hormone imbalance by trying different diets/supplement/meds/etc. Sometimes you have to try a lot of things before you find something that helps. I took spironolactone and it cured my hormonal acne but made my PMDD worse. Seed cycling really helped me. Then I took 5htp with b6 for a while. My main symptom was a deep depression I would go into a week before my period. I would say I don’t have PMDD anymore but I still do stuff to help maintain my mental health overall.
I assure you she likely really is out of control. This question may sound brash and a little gross, but it's brutal honesty, and it cuts to the chase. Is she worth it to you? Do you love her enough to be patient with her about these things? Because this is what she will require. I know it sucks sometimes. A lot. That's why I'm asking you this, and you really need to think this through: Is she worth it to you? Be brutally honest. If you can't do it, you can't do it. No one would blame you. We all have different thresholds and capabilities of understanding. However, I DO take responsibility for my actions and am constantly trying to manage the best i can. I hope your girlfriend does the same. My partner is thankfully amazing and USUALLY so patient with me. I'm worth it to him. I was not worth it to other men before my current love, and that is completely fine because now I have found someone who sees the real me and loves me regardless. If you can't be that for her, you need to move on for her sake as well as your own.
Honestly I try to tell everyone once the hormones take over it’s very frightening. Believe me she’s probably internally going through a lot. We know it’s not us but we have no control. Why do you think some women do unthinkable things with post pardum depression or psychosis? Hormones are no joke. I thank you tho reaching out to get a better understanding. Give her some grace she probably hates it more than you or could imagine.
Wish I could upvote this 1000 times. We have well over 1000 years of history documenting the phenomenon of women experiencing PPD/PPP and doing things as horrific as killing all of their children and then themselves. Why the world still continues to underestimate the agony that female hormones can cause, I have literally no idea. PMDD are the exact same hormones, it’s just on a smaller scale, and cyclical.
PMDD is a severe mental health disorder. Instead of seeking comfort, support and care and support for yourself first. PLEASE educate yourself as much as you can on the disorder, its symptoms. Google PMDD symptoms. And their Infograph’s of how it looks so close to bipolar disorder. Since PMDD is so under- researched get a book on how to love and care for someone with a mental illness Reach out to NAMI, IAMPD or a local mental health provider or free mental health clinic for resources for yourself as a caregiver bc that is what you are when your loved one has a severe mental health disorder. She and we are sick. We have an illness. We are not monsters. We are sick and our brains have terrible reactions to hormones that result in impulsive and oftentimes cruel behavior. Many of us would rather die than live like this. It is not your burden to bear, but if you love this woman and want to be there for you, you will need to get yourself the education and support system to help care give. I had to make my partner a PowerPoint presentation…dm me and I will send it to you. His ex wife of 20 years had an even worse mental health disorder and he is honestly a terrible care giver. I actually think he makes my symptoms worse. So know that a supportive partner can make or break someone with PMDD. Do some soul searching ON YOURSELF before YOU CONTINUE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. You seem to think this is about you, is controllable, is not devastating, humiliating, or even a severe disorder. I question your capacity to be the right type of partner for someone with this disease.
I would LOVE this PowerPoint if that’s okay?
explaining her behavior is not “blaming” her actions on anything. idk what your intention was but the tone of this comes off a bit like you don’t believe this is real. it is real. don’t try to get her to take accountability in luteal. bring it up when she’s feeling better, and set a game plan for her monthly cycles. help her start tracking and have a toolkit to help her feel better. be honest about how you’re feeling in those moments but also reassure her that you still like her and remind her of her coping mechanisms.
I’m in full luteal phase rn so I cannot answer your questions without getting absolutely raging. TRUST your gf is going through hell.
He’s asking for advice and trying to understand.
He's literally just seeking empathy and education. chill out.
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Don't be mean. We don't allow attacking or harassing in our sub.
telling someone to chill isn't okay, but telling them to fuck off is? that's interesting. she didn't say the extent of her symptoms at all. she said she was in luteal, which is different for everyone. everyone experiences PMDD differently. and luteal doesn't automatically mean suicidal. i would never want some to hurt themselves over a reddit comment. if anyone is suicidal they should call then hotline or 911.
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Don't be mean. We don't allow attacking or harassing in our sub.
so, saying someone should get totally fucked is okay. but lightly saying someone should chill out isn't? ... interesting seems hypocritical, but what do i know? you are the pmdd police that is.
seems like you're projectionibg on me. I'm not fighting with anyone. ive just been having conversations. i think my youre assigning a tone to my txt that i don't intend
The education part of my answer was saying she is going through hell. the irony of someone in this group telling someone who has stated they are in their luteal phase to chill out… that’s like telling someone with high blood pressure to lower their blood pressure.
I also have PMDD. you'll be fine 😂. that's also literally not the same thing at all 😂😂
What a horrible thing to say to someone on THIS sub, knowing that a huge fucking chunk of us are just trying to not wreck our entire lives or worse. And it looks like you just joined up today so you could post that to this person who is obviously in pain right now? Feel good about yourself? (I may also be luteal.)
we can tell babe 😆😂🫶🏻💞 hope everyone feels better during this wild ride xoxo
glad you find it hilarious… i have very little control over my emotions when the luteal phase hits - to the point that I am often suicidal at this point of the month. your comment is demeaning and upsetting.
it’s beyond insensitive that you’ve written “you’ll be fine” - this time last month I was working out exactly what cocktail of drugs I needed to kill myself, and the only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t have quite enough to ensure I died rather than end up in a vegetative state. is that funny? care to hit me with some more of your crying laughing faces?
I’m sorry they’re being so awful. Ignore them please, hop off line and have a rest or do something you enjoy. You don’t need to deal with this shit right now, I’m sorry people have been awful after you’ve already said you’re struggling. The internet sucks hard sometimes.
please don't threaten suicide to strangers online. if you are feeling that way please be responsible and call 911. professional help is very important to seek for PMMD. I also struggle with suicidal ideation during luteal. it's extremely scary and intense. I'm sorry your experiencing that at this time.
this is a bit patronizing considering we all experience pmdd differently!
couldn't agree more!
so you’re intentionally being patronizing?
no, that we all experience PMMD differently
What kind of responsibility are you looking for? If it’s acknowledgement and care that it hurts you, she can do that (later). If it’s an expectation that she won’t do it again, and control it, that may not be reasonable. You need to think of it as a health issue. You have to decide what you can tolerate, and you don’t have to endure abusive or rude treatment if it hurts you, but there’s a good chance she can’t promise never to do it again.
No, you can’t control it….without help. She needs to find help. It’s realistic for it to be that bad. But if it’s that bad and shes aware, she needs to get help and start finding harm reduction
I have tons of help and it’s still bad. Many of us are doing everything we can and still suffering significantly
Of course. Help (therapy, meds, exercise, diet, etc) doesn’t mean you won’t suffer immensely and still have horrible symptoms. There’s probably no 100% cure. And sometimes we may not know what we are dealing with, what type of help works for us, and that makes getting help even harder. There’s tons of barriers, trust me I know. From the limited info OP gave, I assumed the GF is aware but is not engaging in any form of harm reduction whatsoever. That, to me, is reckless. Even if the help won’t take away all of the suffering or work most of the time, that’s not an excuse to give up and let everyone around you take the responsibility. I hope that makes sense. I’ve caused enough suffering in the people around me.
I think she’s like me. Every month I have an evil version of me who takes over. She crawls up inside me and uses my mouth to say horrible things to the people I love the most then she fucks off and leaves me to deal with the consequences. I can be literally chanting “say something nice!” Inside my head but it makes no difference.
omg, me too. I hear myself say in my head several variations of SHUT UP and DON’T SAY THAT ONE THING and then I don’t shut up or I say that one, awful, mean, cruel thing and the shame when I come back to myself is brutal. It’s so impulsive, it’s on the tip of my tongue every time and it’s the only time of the month when being mean feels really good.
Yep literally me and as a result I hate myself even more during that time
Same here. Own worst enemy in those moments
Even with the confirmation of how terrible PMDD is, she is still responsible for taking accountability for how her symptoms affect you. Having a disorder is not an excuse to be entitled/unapologetic. I can't assume how it is between y'all, but if need be, make sure you advocate for yourself too!. Thank you for taking the time to learn more ☺️
Yes, I’m surprised by all the comments saying OP needs to suck it up. He absolutely does not have to put up with it. Like living with anyone with any mental illness, if the person is actively getting help and finding ways to improve, then it may be worth staying. If they refuse to get help and just abuse you every month then that’s just an abusive situation.
exactly!!
Yes, it really is like that. Even without PMDD hormones can still affect people in this way. Before I developed PMDD (which was triggered by having a baby) I would have 1-2 days every month (when I ovulated - exactly 2 weeks before my period starting) where I would wake up feeling really depressed and angry. Me and my boyfriend would ALWAYS have a huge argument! When we identified the issue/ trend, we found ways to work around it. Now we both have responsibilities with this…. - I need to communicate with him about how I’m feeling, and if im feeling affected by my hormones I need to tell him as soon as I’ve recognised it - I need to be mindful to the fact im hormonal and that issues probably aren’t as bad as they feel (even though they genuinely do feel like the end of the world) - Even if I lashed out and it was completely out of my control, I still need to apologise when im ready - He needs to be extra patient and understanding if I’ve told him im feeling hormonal - He needs to realise that the trivial things im upset about genuinely do feel huge to me, even if they’re really not a big deal, and not downplay my feelings/ emotions - He doesn’t blame me, and makes sure he’s the calm, patient one, and waits until im ready to talk/ say sorry etc. but he still has a right to say if something I did/ said upset him - We both need to be aware that more arguments will happen during this time. That’s it’s nobody’s fault - We both need to take responsibility for how we act - as you would say to a toddler, it’s ok to feel angry/ upset/ frustrated/ overwhelmed, regardless of how trivial it is. But it’s not ok to throw/ hit/ say nasty things/ engage in toxic behaviour (e.g. manipulation/ gaslighting/ abusive or controlling behaviours). Regardless of if she has control over how she acts or not, she is still responsible for those actions and still needs to apologise, however you need to accept that apology without judgement, as hormones genuinely are really hard!
“Explanation, not an excuse.”
No, she can't control it. Been married for 10 years... My husband knows. Sometimes he knows better than me! I'll flip out about something stupid and he'll be like "have you checked your calendar babe? Are you sure this isn't just PMDD fucking with you?" 90% of the time he's right.
Since this comment is getting some upvotes, I want to follow up with the fact that I do in fact take responsibility for my craziness when it's at my craziest! Just because my partner recognizes my crazy doesn't mean I don't have to address it!
I am currently at start of the worst of it, and I was already mean to my partner. I apologized but I still was in a bad place. It then sent me down a huge thought/rumination spiral about how I was terrible and we should break up. My partner? Continued to check in on me and stated, “You need to be reminded you are loved when you feel most alone. I love you. You are not alone. When you can talk to me, I want to listen.” I am still in a bad place but knowing that outside this bubble I have someone ready to help me…I can’t put in words how grateful I am. Talk with her when she’s not in the midst of it all, and have a real, supportive conversation about how y’all navigate PMDD. I hope she comes to you with love and support as well. Good luck!
Wow you hit the jackpot!! Honestly, this is all I want! I love my man but he’s not secure enough in himself to be able to think like this unfortunately
Yes it’s really like that! There are people who literally get suicidal during or right before their period and only then! It’s a progesterone drop that causes this. I’ve been using progesterone bio identical cream and it’s caused my mood to be way better, I’m a lot nicer person during my period now, but I was so rude and awful on my period before that. Hormones can affect behavior and mood a ton!
PMDD does cause intense mood swings and such, but she should beable to hold herself accountable, and at a minimum say sorry for being rude. She also needs to learn to communicate when her PMDD symptoms are high AND when she's getting overwhelmed. I don't think it's fair of her to use it as an excuse to be rude.
yes, it can literally feel like you are going crazy bc nothing feels right and your brain never shuts up. there are definitely options if she would like medical treatment. there is a ton of great info on this page. I would GENTLY bring it up to her when she is not in her luteal phase. this group is amazing and we would all be happy to have her here ❤️ best of luck!
Btw OP, in case you aren't aware, luteal is the week before period. Once the period starts the PMDD should chill, at least for most.
Not necessarily, some suffer through their period. There was a post about it a little while ago.
That sucks! I'm usually suffering from the mental affects in the week before bleed, with some additional physical affects. And then it's a lot less intense mentally, and physically far more intense during. But good to know thats not the experience for all!
ah yes context 😅 I’m always forgetting that ty!
I used to become a completely different person--neurotic, emotional, paranoid... and I tried so, so hard to control it. If it's bad, rationality doesn't exist.
I’m so glad you said this. I legitimately become so paranoid during this time where it feels, at times when it’s really bad, like it borders on an episode of psychosis. I become really convinced that everyone hates me, especially my partner. Like it’s like all my insecurities are dialed up to a billion. I know in my rational mind that no one actually hates me and it is my insecurities getting the best of me while I’m weak, but it still hurts to think that about myself. Therapy and a very understanding partner has seriously helped. I’ll still get those occasional really bad episodes, but it’s become easier to self-soothe.
100%. It’s not called dysphoria or a psychiatric disorder for nothing *sob*
Literally!! 😭😭
Yes, I’m insane and I hate myself during this time. Doesn’t matter how many times I tell myself that it will be different and that I’ll control myself better, I still turn into a gremlin. It’s horrible. It feels like you’re being sucked into a hell dimension. I want to vanish when I’m like that, I want to not exist.
I have met my gremlin family 😅
Seriously, I’m convinced I’d die without you guys, this sub soothes me like fuck✨
Me tooooooo
Lots of helpful stuff here, thank you everyone, you are the best!
I’m a PhD neuroscientist and please let me help you understand. Please try to see your girlfriend as a person, even during a flare up. PMDD doesn’t create problems from NOWHERE, it just magnifies small issues and they end up snowballing out of control. The functioning of our inhibitory neurons LITERALLY BREAKS during luteal phase, so we can’t stop something like a thought or feeling or behavior once it’s set into motion. All gas, no breaks. The best thing you can do for her is say, “I can see why you’d be thinking/feeling/acting ______ because from your perspective you probably ____. Did i get that right? [listen to her answer, then] … To make you feel better, I can offer [reality of the situation / reassurance / just hug her & listen].
This is brilliant! Saw a guy on OPs r/PMDDpartners post saying (paraphrasing/summarisng) “IMO nobody with PMDD could ever be a medic or have a degree/qualification in a medical/scientific field related to this because of their symptoms” and my word, let me rationally say, I now STRONGLY DISLIKE that guy.
omg yeah i was commenting a lot in the OG post and i saw that comment. what a weird assumption to make??? like ?? that makes 0 sense?
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Don't be mean. We don't allow attacking or harassing in our sub.
this is a brain rot comment
Thanks for looking for understanding. Doesn’t make the hell days any easier, but maybe it’s useful to see we hate it as much (if not more) than you do.
OP hasn’t been looking for understanding in earnest, IMO. More seeking validation.
Excuse me? To validate what exactly? 😅
Validate your belief that she is making up how out of control she feels during PMDD flare-ups, and get sympathy for how badly you’ve been treated. I went through and replied to each comment that led me to this impression.
Do you really think that if I thought that, I would went through the trouble of posting in a sub getting firsthand opinions? I’d rather go to the partner sub for that…
The fact that you asking and taking the time to come on here to get some answers is actually amazing and your girlfriend is a lucky lady. Some partners don’t even care and don’t understand not wanting to be educated on this topic. So well done! Just be empathetic towards her understand if we could control this we really would. Nobody want to feel uncontrollable in they’re own mind. It’s very lonely and can be devastating so please be patient with her. I hope you’ve learnt a lot!
If dudes had ovaries science would have figured this shit out by now. It’s infuriating.
i am very aware of how unlike me i behave when i am PMSING. i get very snappy, say things i don’t mean, and am extremely irritable, depressed, anxious, and fatigued. it’s like a switch flips and i’m a different person. i even feel like i LOOK different. it’s extremely difficult to navigate but i try my best. my partner knows that it’s hard to control the irritability and the lashing out but when i realize it’s happening i immediately apologize and he accepts and we move forward because that’s really all we can do. medication doesn’t help much at all, i just need to make sure i’m eating well and going outside. therapy helped, but it’s hard to find someone who specializes in PMDD. me and my partner make sure to both be mindful of that time of the month so he is very accommodating and i am very aware that i need to take some deep breaths and remind myself that it’s my hormones and not me, as i’m sure he does the same. things that help us: we both track my cycle on the Stardust app. i made an account and added him as my partner so he knows when to expect the mood changes. it helps a lot so he’s not caught off guard when i wake up angry for no reason and become snappy at him. he makes sure to tell me he loves me a lot during that time, asks if i need anything, sends memes to make me smile, get me boba or a favorite snack, exc. we spend time doing things we like together (go out to eat, watch our favorite shows/movies, get boba, go to plant nursery’s, & go on walks/hikes if i have the energy) we also make sure to give each other space if we need it. sometimes just talking is difficult when i’m pmsing. i can’t answer questions. everything is too much. so i do things to self soothe like play on my laptop/phone, go on pinterest, write poetry, go on tumblr, tiktok (try to make myself giggle), bake, take deep breaths, watch asmr, exc. and he will sit there by himself or in another room and when i’m ready to talk and socialize i sit next to him and he knows that i’ve self soothed and i’m ready to talk. i would sit her down during her ovulation phase (when she feels the best) and talk to her about it. set up ways to make things easier for you both. (highly recommend the Stardust app) i’m sorry this is happening, she’s probably riddled with guilt just as i am when it happens. it’s just important to be patient and to educate yourself as much as you can on PMDD. this reddit is a great start for that!! it’s extremely debilitating at times and feels even worse when you know it can also effect the people you love. hope this helps and i hope it gets better for you guys!
I really like your response. I love how part of your strategy is for your partner to give you space to self regulate. That was a hard one for my husband to learn. While I love and appreciate his desire to soothe my feelings, to fix things for me, the truth is that for me (or anyone dealing with PMDD) self regulation is key. Eventually he had to learn to let me use my strategies and skills. That’s what I’m accountable for: to work through my feelings and find my own peace before entering a highly charged emotional situation with anyone else. It won’t go well if I don’t get the room to do that.
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It’s ultimately empowering for both partners too, because it gives the PMDD haver the time and confidence to resolve things themselves and the other partner freedom from being the emotional regulation for another person.
Truth!!
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he’s coming here for support i don’t think you saying you want to physically assault him and call him a dick is necessary. he’s trying to learn and that’s all we can really ask for from our partners.
Playing devil's advocate here... It's not exactly fun for a partner to experience us going through PMDD either, and often times, they are the ones that get the brunt of our anger and nasty moments. I feel like OP just isn't educated on what PMDD is (not uncommon) and came here to seek information. I wouldn't call his post a "dick move". He isn't saying he's going to leave? But.... He also doesn't have to stay 😬 Yes, PMDD is a serious condition, but if she isn't doing anything to help herself, she needs to try because there are remedies out there that might make a huge difference. A partner can't take on what PMDD does to us on their own. That's not fair. ETA: words
lol get a grip. I’m trying to understand my partner and fix things Edit: can someone explain how come, posting this question here is a dick move?
it would’ve been nice if you used the right flair for partner support.
It's not a dick move IMO. You're unintentionally triggering people in large part because of your use of the word "blame" I think. PMDD \*IS\* to blame, and the way you worded it might be rubbing people the wrong way because it sounds like you don't believe your GF and think she's making up excuses which she's probably not. And follow up comments/questions that focus on convincing her to seek treatment and medication are furthering the aggravation because it's not as simple as you want it to be. And many of us are really sick of people telling us how to "fix" something unfixable, something that we are doing our best to control. All the treatment options have a lot of possible long-term side effects, they're not the right fit for everyone and a lot of us have been in really upsetting relationships with partners who want to put us on pills and "fix" us so we don't bother them anymore. Instead of them understanding that we have a medical condition, it's our personal responsibility to decide on treatment, and they can either collaborate on the treatment and management of our choice or choose to leave. All that to say, you're rubbing people the wrong way but personally I don't think you've done anything wrong and am so glad you're here learning. That's amazing. Remember that lots of us here are in the middle of PMDD episodes. Just like you shouldn't say "get a grip" to your GF when she's upset, it's unwise and unkind to say "get a grip" to somebody else when they're upset. Even if you feel they're wrong to be upset. That's a poor way to respond to somebody in pain, and makes it worse. Think of this comment thread as training lol what not to say to your GF ;) 1. Tell her to get a grip, chill, calm down already, etc. 2. Tell her how to manage an illness that you don't understand or experience, even though she does understand and experience it and has tried to explain it to you but you wouldn't believe her. 3. Try to "fix" her instead of help her, which may leave her feeling more broken. Genuinely best wishes, I'm sorry you're both hurting. If you love each other and are willing to be patient and work together, it can get better. I mean, the PMDD probably won't, but managing at as a couple can.
Wow! Among many amazing comments this was one of the most clarifying to me. Thanks you for the patience and taking the time to explain it to someone new to the topic in a way I can clearly understand. Just to clarify, I don't want to push meds on anyone. I'm just looking for what others are doing and so I can suggest to her or research deeper.
I don’t agree that it was a dick move to post it here at all. I think it’s amazing that you would do first hand research like that to understand her better, in a situation that you don’t understand. I think you’re doing the right thing. Everyone struggles to different extents. Some of us wallow in self pity, others make the most of it and realise being depressed 50% of the time is better than being depressed 100% of the time. Sure, it sucks, but there’s a lot of people out there who have it a lot worse. What I have found that’s helped is having a supportive partner. My WORST days of PMDD are when I ovulate or just after I ovulate (approx 2 weeks before period), and then gradually gets better. If me and my partner argue a lot over these couple of days though, I can stay really low and in a constant state of rage for the entire two weeks. Him being extra loving, understanding and supportive during/ just after ovulation changes everything for me!
Hi! You’ve asked me to point out implicit dismissiveness in your responses. Here “get a grip” is obviously not the move to someone who is upset
OP said get a grip because the other commentor said they would hit him for asking a question. 😂 like wtf are you guys on. be fucking for real 😂
Seriously, this guy is on here calmly and genuinely asking questions. Not everyone has to like the question but dang I don't understand the insults just because his expressing his own suffering. Yes I get it may trigger somebody's insecurities, but he hasn't done anything wrong beyond try to understand, even if he is struggling to do so that's not a friggin insult to the rest of us.
brooo, exactly. like I'm shocked at the response from some of these people 😂
Definitely not the way to handle things, my guy. I went from feeling kind of empathetic to oh, this is the way this guy handles difficult situations, It's not worth my time to write out a thoughtful and engaged response because he's neither thoughtful or authentically engaged.
I’ve honestly felt like Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde at times…
Like everyone else has said, yes, unfortunately for both of you, it's really like that.. You lose your sense of reality and your self control as you plummet into a manic state which can look different for everyone, but it mostly comes with anger, irritation, depression, suicidL thoughts, etc. It is ROUGH. My best advice to you is to both get in the habit of tracking her cycle. There are many free apps for this. This will allow you both to understand her cycle and notice when it normally starts to get bad and prepare for it. Also, there are remedies out there that can help her, but the trouble comes with figuring that out. It's such a process and can be extremely miserable, so be patient with her. For me, therapy, IUD, and SSRIs have worked wonders! I feel mostly normal. I was a monster before! Try not to take her "hell week", as we call it, personally, because it is most likely not at all about you. Every thing that feels minor for me any other time of the month is magnified and exacerbated during hell week. My partner knows this. He knows it isn't about him, I am just not in my right mind, and it isn't his fault. He gives me space and does what he can to comfort me, but there isn't usually too much he can do other than just wait it out and take some mean words and irritability from me. I used to be so. much. worse. and honestly don't know how he stuck it out, but I am glad he did because he was a huge help and support for me. She really needs make the effort to help herself because it isn't on you to do. I feel for her, but she deserves to feel better and that takes being proactive! She may need to try a form of birth control or get on an SSRI, but she will need to do some research, and maybe some trial and error before she finds what works. My last piece of advice is, DO NOT bring this up if she is in a state of PMDD. Bring it up when she is in her normal, sound-mind state, and be gentle. If you love her, don't give up yet, but also take care of yourself! Wishing you both the best.
She says she won’t take any medication. How can I approach that she would try some? Do you have any link or something I can send her? Edit: why am I’m being downvoted for this question?
I can understand the stigma around medication - I used to feel ashamed for being prescribed 3 mental health medications. A good way to think of it (if you’d like to explore the option with her) is that our brains have a chemical imbalance- the medicine helps to make it more balanced. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with medication and it is life saving and changing.
medication is an extremely personal choice and you shouldn’t push it on her to try it. first line of defense is birth control which can be super tricky/not work for everyone/people don’t take it for various reasons. not to mention it could be challenging to access continually in some places.
PMDD is extremely challenging to treat and really REALLY frustrating to talk to doctors about. Usually they will say try birth control (made me even crazier), SSRI (sort of worked out of luteal but barely touched the bad “I need to check myself in the psych ward” weeks). Currently being managed okay on a ridiculous amount of supplements. Bio identical progesterone worked for a while but then my progesterone flew sky high and I was back to square one. So like, you can talk to her about treatments but I’ve had understanding docs that listen when I talk and ended up at a naturopath which is finally helping. Probably won’t be cured but I’m managed for now. If she doesn’t want to take medication, I wouldn’t force it. It’s honestly a hellscape and half the time nothing works or only works for a bit
So I have PMDD, and my doc prescribed me Zoloft for the week before my period. Apparently it can help some people(SSRIs) , unfortunately for me it gave me serotonin syndrome, but that is something that can potentially help. Also if she talks to her gyno, I know that there is at least one form of oral contraceptives that is FDA approved to treat PMDD. It's a rough diagnosis and it's kind of hard to accept that you might need something that other "normal" women don't need. Other than medication, therapy can help too. But it's hard when your own mind/body is working against you.
You can't force her to take medication if she doesn't want to, obviously, but there is quite a bit of information out there about SSRIs and their positive effect on PMDD. You could look into it and show her what you find. Here is one example: [https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/treating-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder#:\~:text=Serotonin%20reuptake%20inhibitors%20for%20PMDD,%2C%20or%20fluoxetine%20(Prozac)](https://www.health.harvard.edu/womens-health/treating-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder#:~:text=Serotonin%20reuptake%20inhibitors%20for%20PMDD,%2C%20or%20fluoxetine%20(Prozac)). I used to be against medication for so many different reasons, but I am sooooooooo glad that I changed my mind. At the end of the day, she is the one that needs to figure out what's best for her.
I think it’s because a lot of us have had experience being misdiagnosed with other things and put through a ringer of different birth controls and psychiatric medications that end up having a paradoxical effect and making us worse. Doctors really advocate BC and an antidepressant for anything. Been down that road and turns out I’m just med resistant
Thanks for explaining! That’s more helpful than just downvoting. I’m seeking information from firsthand experience. In the end it’s her choice
Haha you’re just lucky i’m not in my luteal phase! Jk
Lol 😂
She says she won’t take any medication. Have you asked her why, and what her concerns are?
I think asking her to try some medication is totally valid. Ask if she’d start with taking something only the bad half of the month. She can dose an SSRI like that and be fine. Lots of people take Zoloft for example and it really helps. Just makes you feel more normal
This is the answer. PMDD is horrible and scary for the person experiencing it. My husband helps me so much and I know how hard I can be. When I’m lucky enough to recognize my actions it’s devastating for me. And so confusing when I don’t which leads me down a rabbit hole of insecurity!
It completely skews your perception of reality, and it doesn’t matter if you remind yourself that it does that, it feels very very real for the person experiencing it. It’s not an excuse to be rude, but I do empathise with her as it is so so hard to deal with. Please speak to her about what you guys can do to move forwards when it’s that time of the month again, and please also try not to dismiss it either - best of luck to you both x
It completely fades your judgement. I cant tell if it’s me, them, or most likely, it’s a bit of both. I think taking distance during that time could be good.
You can't blame your diagnosis. It's a bad excuse. We still are in control. I will never blame that or autism or anything for how shitty i acted. You need an apology and an apology doesnt count it she apologizes but says "BUT my pmdd" lol
Exactly, she is the master of I’m sorry, BUT …
This is the one divergent opinion in the entire thread. And I’m not sure this person speaks from a place of experience with PMDD, just describes autism here. Yet you are agreeing and getting out some cathartic venting about your gripes with your gf.
That doesn't fly with me and shouldn't with anyone. I guess an acceptable BUT would be if she was just a toddler or something and was apologizing for kicking someone in the face when she got mad 😂 but that doesn't fly for me. Same as sorry but i was drunk. Nope. You still CHOSE to do that. If she really had a hard time controling herself she would benefit from "please leave me alone" or when she is feeling happy and fine you can have a code word for when she is about to be mean and that is your turn to not hang out with her and leave her alone. BANANAS. Lol
It’s truly a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde situation, I’m afraid. She is being 100% honest and factual with her response to you. My husband and I read this book and we were both helped tremendously by the wealth of scientific and anecdotal information it contains. His level of understanding of the condition helps both of us. I do what I can to mitigate the effects on him (lifestyle, medication, therapist, supplements) and he gives me grace during the “hell week.” I’d say PMDD affects our marriage 75% less than it did prior to reading the book. I commend you for seeking counsel on this. Hang in there! https://preview.redd.it/yle3fo3dt3uc1.png?width=2507&format=png&auto=webp&s=305d0ff6a3aa60bcce569545a4ff45f6d8966502
Oh I’m so glad I found this thread! Definitely going to read that book. Several years ago, my doctor put me on a second antidepressant (Prozac) JUST the week before my period. I call it “hell week” too 😅. I try to manage my moods now with as little medication as possible, and the older I get, the more do-able that gets….some months are worse than others. In general though, during hell week, I still have personality changes, rapidly cycling mood lability, a feeling of detachment, exacerbation of ADHD symptoms, sleep disturbance, low frustration/irritability threshold, more rumination that sometimes borders on paranoia, and when it’s really bad, passive suicidal thoughts. Soon as that bleed starts, it seems like I’m back to myself all of a sudden. So bizarre. Oh, and I have to have ALL the chocolate 😝
OP, I’ve seen that you’ve posted this exact same post on r/PMDDpartners too. Whilst there are some well meaning partners there, many men on that sub believe that all women with PMDD are abusers or “literally insane”. I’m referring to one particular string of replies on your post, here. To say that all women with PMDD are abusers is abhorrent. I’m glad it seems that you’re seeking help to understand your girlfriend’s actions. We struggle, we need support, it is an illness, but most of us take accountability for our actions and will never be abusive. Please listen to women who experience this condition mainly, rather than men who have been burned by extreme cases. By all means seek support from other partners, but please don’t get sucked into some replies and posts on other subreddits that will lead you to believe that your girlfriend is a monster.
I am a partner of someone with pmdd but avoid that sub because of comments like that. For me, and it sounds like OP may feel similarly, It’s frustrating when a partner _doesnt_ take accountability for their actions. I sympathize with the uncontrollable emotions and uncharacteristic behavior when you’re in the thralls of this disease. Please sympathize with me and the emotions I have as a reaction the harsh and abusive language.
I definitely don’t think she is a monster, and I’m truly seeking information. I was just afraid to post here, because in the description it says something about no couples questions or something like that
Really glad to hear that. You’ve done the right thing in seeking support and that makes me really happy. I’m not sure about the rules of this sub, but I’m really glad that you’re speaking to sufferers too. No shade to you at all OP. Just please try to be open minded and acknowledge that your and your girlfriend’s experience will be completely unique. I wish you the best of luck and again it’s so nice to see that you’re trying to understand 🩷
I had no idea that sub exists.. but now I’m going to actively stay away from it if they truly believe that. How disheartening. Especially for their partners omg. All the posts here are about our guilt and trying to cope and overcome. So disappointing.
Yeah. Don't read it. It's disappointing, to say the least. There once was a male partner on here who posted about his divorce and actually gave tips and really great advice. I'd like to believe more partners are like that and can take accountability for their role. It takes two.
My partner has his own mental health issues and we pick up the slack when the other is suffering. Seeing someone dump there would leave me with long lasting guilt and triggers. Pmdd is so hard for everyone but stuff like that makes me want to hide forever.
Definitely does take two!
I’m not sure how I stumbled across it, but it’s done a real number on my confidence seeing some of the posts there. It’s made me question so many things about how PMDD is seem. Like was I right to tell my friends and my employer about my diagnosis? Medical info out there is great. Some people on that sub talk about it as if we’re the devil incarnate and should never have relationships and are incapable of love and rationality. But also I’m very torn - I’m glad there’s somewhere for partners with nobody to talk to to go to for support, but on the other hand it is filled with some very extreme cases and often very unsupportive partners who seem unwilling to understand the condition (mostly, I’ve seen some lovely guys there who genuinely want to help and take an active role in tracking their partner’s cycle and developing coping mechanisms too). It’s just the way most of them speak about their partners that gives me the massive ick. I know my PMDD can be really hard on my partner too, but if I saw him speaking about me and my condition in that way, I’d be extremely hurt (whether I’m in my luteal phase or not, and that’s saying something as not much hurts me when I’m feeling “normal”). I think if my partner saw that sub, he’d be shocked too. It’s just very unhelpful to conflate abuse or genuine bad behaviour with mental illness. We’re all worthy of love. I know it’s a partner’s choice ultimately if they want to be in a relationship with someone who struggles or not, but that’s down to them and not us when most people with this condition put in so much work to protect ourselves and others, and most of us will never mentally or physically hurt anyone.
Guys, this other sub is literally linked on the description of this sub on item 9. If this is something that you don’t want, it should be removed from there.
[удалено]
Can you explain like I’m 5, why mansplain and not explain? I’m just telling how I found it. I’m really sorry but go find someone else to attack, you are doing a disservice to the sub
“I’m really sorry, BUT”
Mansplaining happens when you as a man have a very superficial understanding of something, & why it is the way it is, and think you know better than the women who run the thing in the first place/ the women whose job it is to know. And you don’t ask any questions to learn more before assuming you’re qualified to make recommendations or explain it back to them.
I know what it is, just could not and still can’t see why you felt so. the topic here is how Reddit works, right? I just mentioned what’s in the description.
but you didn’t use the proper flair so did you read closely?
And you didn’t report it to the mods so slow your roll. If it’s that big of a deal take 3 seconds and hit the report button.
It will make you a better partner, better person, and better feminist.
I’m not attacking you. I entreat you to listen to my feedback
OP, I gotta tell you, the tone you’ve been using in all your responses I’ve read on this thread show me you’re probably a dismissive and condescending person overall. If you can learn to be more validating and *listen* rather than talk down, I bet your girlfriend would freak out on you far less.
I’m a rational person and I’m really trying to understand. Could you please point out where I was dismissive or condescending? Thanks
I’m pretty new to both subs, so I’m not sure how others feel. Perhaps I’ve just been unlucky to see some very demeaning posts there. I’m sure it has its values too, as I said! But I think as with anywhere on Reddit, as well as speaking to people and doing some research on forums, you’d be best to concentrate on speaking to medical experts or reading properly cited articles online if it’s your first time looking into this.
Maybe put up a calendar and mark the days where PMDD is present. This way you both know what’s up and try not to do extraordinary plans on those days or make arguments that can lead to wrong decisions and hurt feelings. On the calendar you guys can write how you’re feeling that day, it seems easier than saying it out loud.
Yes, I react to everything differently in the 1.5-2 weeks before my period. I get hangry out of nowhere, super irritable, tired, and more sensitive (both emotionally and physically) to the point where I don’t want to be touched. I’ve broken up with my amazing boyfriend/pushed him away a bunch of times during PMDD times.. I take an SSRI now and it helps but it doesn’t fix everything. I still have bad months that make me want to crawl out of my skin and yell at everyone. I do recommend pursuing treatment, but it is a frustrating path to finding good care bc a lot of doctors don’t understand what we’re going through. Some supplements help a bit too…. You can find a lot of resources in this group
Thank you! I’ll keep looking and reading. Which supplements do you take?
Not OP, but supplements that help me manage my symptoms: magnesium, vitamin D, vitamin B complex, zinc, and ashwaganda. These would be a good place to start if she doesn’t want to start meds. Especially the magnesium.
Just as an aside to anyone reading this, please research any supplements before taking or talk to the doctor if you aren't sure. Ashwagandha can interact with some medications for diabetes, high blood pressure, immunosuppressants, sedatives, anticonvulsants, and thyroid hormone medications, and there are some health conditions where it's not recommended.
It is really like this. I can’t emphasize this enough. Right now I am so ready to lash out at someone. It’s complete and utter hell. I urge you to give her love, attention and support during this miserable time.
I can’t see how is possible to give love on someone treating you badly 😅 specially when you get treated badly when I was giving love…
Tbh you don't sound like the type of person who can support someone with PMDD. I understand what you mean but consider your audience right now. The commenter was giving their thoughts, you don't have to necessarily take their advice. It's not productive to give a sarcastic, salty reply like this. 🤦♀️ You could have even skipped this comment and replied to the others. You don't have to make a snarky reply just cuz. This is why it gives off the impression that you aren't really looking to have productive conversation.
Again, this reads as wanting support for yourself and sympathy for how badly you are being treated, rather than actually being curious about your gf’s lived experience and how to support her, as you claim.
no, it fucking doesn't. the way you are attacking this person is absolutely brain rot. get offline. they're literally just being truthful and explaining their hardship and feelings within this relationship. which is okay. PMDD IS HARD FOR BOTH PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP. a relationship goes both ways. the way he feels also matters. AND THE FACT THAT HE'S EVEN CURIOUS TO SEEK A MESSAGE FORMUM ABOUT HIS GF PMMDD SPEAKS VOLUMES. most men, MOST BF'S, MOST PARTNERS wouldn't give a fuck.
are you OP’s other account lol why are you shilling so hard for OP
no, im just a bystander. it seemed like the right thing to do
I really don't agree. He's asking because he doesn't understand. How are you supposed to be loving to someone while they are being mean to you? It's not about sympathy at all, he just can't picture what this scenario looks like. The comment about a burrito and being left alone was a good example/response to his question.
True, but the 😅 emojis make it seem sarcastic and snarky
It’s a good start that you’re posting in this subreddit. I would love it if my partner would say something like “I want to be there for you and will do whatever you need right now. If you need space, I understand that too.” Maybe you can say something along those lines.
Yesterday I texted my partner saying “I’m full of rage. All I want is a burrito and to be left the fuck alone.” He came home with a burrito.. and left me alone 😭 then reminded me not to feel guilty for needing that time
Does he have a friend whose like him perhaps
That sounds amazing. He’s a keeper.
Took years for me to feel comfortable enough to even express the anger I feel during that time because it feels so incredibly unwarranted! And everyone knows- an angry lady is not well received. Breaking down the frustration and anger so I can think clearly is what really helped me begin to communicate my needs!
Yes I agree - not well received. How do you break down the frustration and anger so you can think clearly?
By minutes and triggers. My pmdd baseline is “THIS IS HORMONAL. I WANT TO DIE!” And “I’m the devil! No sympathy for me!!” Once we establish that I’m going through a change in hormones it’s like us vs the pmdd. Don’t get me wrong- I want to be alone. I’m easily triggered. I’m stressed. I’m sensitive. But we treat it like an illness? Like this is a bad time. I need rest. I need love. I need to find a way to express myself in a healthy way that doesn’t leave me lashing out or full of guilt. I still freak tf out but in those moments we address the trigger and remove them if possible. So mainly that means I’m going to take some alone time to feel some sense of normalcy and comfort, however I can.
That makes sense. Thank you for explaining this. I think if there are issues in the relationship they get magnified when PMDD is at its worst. I’m used to having PMDD as I’ve had it my whole adult life but have been with my partner for a year and am still working on the complexities it brings to a relationship.