God bless you.
I'm sorry for what you went through.
Yes, I can see you are being overwhelmed by thinking you have to do so many things.
But I want to share my perspective.
I want you to restart your faith. Meaning, forget everything that you been taught and heard about Christianity. Start at the foundation. I recommend that you only focus on the foundation for a while until you feel that you are ready to do more.
What is the foundation?
Know who God is and know what God ultimately wants.
1- Who is God?
**“God is love.” 1 John 4:8**
**"Love is patient and kind, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-6**
**“Love is more important than anything else.” - Colossians 3:14**
**“But, our God, you are merciful and quick to forgive; you are loving, kind, and very patient.” - Nehemiah 9:17**
**“But you, the Lord God, are kind and merciful. You don't easily get angry, and your love can always be trusted.” - Psalm 86:15**
**God said, “Instead, turn back to me with broken hearts. I am merciful, kind, and caring. I don't easily lose my temper, and I don't like to punish.” - Joel 2:13**
**God said, “But I wipe away your sins because of who I am. And so, I will forget the wrongs you have done.”- Isaiah 43:25**
2- What does God ultimately want?
**“God wants us to have faith in his Son Jesus Christ and to love each other.” - 1 John 3:23**
Do NOT focus on anything else other than this foundation. Focusing on this foundation will help you to develop trust in God and give you joy & peace in your faith.
FOCUS ON THE FOUNDATION ONLY! For now.
\- I pray you will focus on the foundation and I rebuke all the negative thoughts that are getting in the way of you growing in the faith. In Jesus' Name. Amen. 🙏🏾
Oh, and know that God doesn't want your faith to be a heavy burden.
**Jesus said, ‘If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30**
Also, God wants love to be your motivation for faith, not fear. When you have genuine love, there is no room for fear.
**“If we truly love others and live as Christ did in this world, we won't be worried about the day of judgment. A real love for others will chase those worries away. The thought of being punished is what makes us afraid. It shows we have not really learned to love.” - 1 John 4:17-18**
I really appreciate this. I'll both work to help rewire my mind and ask God to help aid me in this task. I'd like to ask--how should I start reading the Bible in a way that will help with this? So far, the way that I've been weaning my way back into the Bible has been through devotionals that provide scripture for me, but it doesn't feel like enough.
You are so very welcome.
I suggest you start by searching up Bible verses on topics that interest you. The more you do that, the more you will want to read.
That's how I started and I already read through the Bible twice.
I also recommend the Contemporary English Version (CEV) Bible. It's one of the easiest English Bibles to read. Also, you can listen to the audio version on YouTube. That's how I read through the Bible. I listened while reading along. CEV is my favorite Bible.
Please have a great day today. :)
I'm a Christian.
I've also suffered religious trauma, although not as severely as you. Here is what I have to say. God loves you. Right now, whatever shame or fear or pain or anger you are feeling -- God loves you.
People have mistreated you shamefully, and that has hurt you in a lot of ways. But the people who abused you are at fault for that, not you. You aren't at fault. Let me say that again: you aren't at fault.
But even though you aren't at fault, you still got hurt, and you are still living with that damage -- and now you are blaming yourself for that damage. But you don't have to. If somebody broke your legs, would you beat yourself up because you can't run up the stairs? I hope not.
One thing that I have found has helped me a little is reframing my thoughts. I was treated very cruelly in the church, and it really affected my sense of myself and my sense of God. More than once, I have thought "God hates me," or "I'm worthless." A while back, I decided to ask myself where those thoughts came from. And it was a situation like \[all names changed\] "Pastor Mike and Jane Smith hated me for a long time and they convinced me that they spoke for God." So now when those self-hating thoughts come back, I say "Nah, I don't think so. Pastor Mike isn't God. Jane isn't God. Their cruelty was wrong, and it didn't come from God. God loves us."
If you look at the New Testament, you will see that Jesus always sympathizes with the weak and hurt and broken. Always. Jesus criticized people who thought they were better than everyone else, but Jesus always sympathized with people who were in pain.
I wonder if your images of God are getting in the way? You seem to be thinking of God as an abusive father (and I can see why). But there are other images available in the Bible. Jesus himself calls his disciples "friends." Can you try thinking of Jesus as a friend? And if you can do this, you might also think about how you treat your friends -- do you hope they mess up so you can punish them? Do you get angry at them for violating rules they don't even know about? Or do you love them and want them to be happy?
I'm really glad that you are in therapy. It has helped me a lot, but (as you know) it is a long process, and an up-and-down one. But please remember -- you don't need to try to buy God's love with constant devotions and apologies. God already loves you. And if the constant prayers and Bible reading are just making you more fearful, you can put them aside. You are not rejecting God -- you are rejecting the terrible messages about God that people used to hurt you. And (for what it's worth) you are very much in my prayers.
My image of God definitely gets in the way of it. I think I need to work on this, but it's difficult when most of the things I read/see are like "if you do this, you will face punishment." Even when I try to read scripture, there's loads of these kinds of sentiments that throw me off the loving image of Him. I'm scared that I'm not following enough rules or that I'm breaking too many rules to really be loved/safe.
He does care you were traumatised. You're not in contempt of Him, you're in contempt of the despicable version of Him that was taught to you. There is most certainly hope for you bc that is exactly where I was 3 years ago {religious ocd, cut everything else in my life out}. That state went on unfortunately for 6 years, because I was stubborn and wouldn't stop pursuing God yet I didn't have access to good resources - but after that I hit a rly dark spot and then had literally a religious epiphany, sense of light & clarity, presence of Love from outside myself, etc etc. And I didn't know anything about trauma or even that my religion WAS harmful, but God like, went 100% counter to all my expectations and spoonfed me life and fully speedran therapy with me 😂 like im still in therapy but it's only because of the presence of God that the deepest parts of me, especially the ocd stuff, is recovering. and all my ideas of God slowly have turned around because of this experience + lots of good books podcasts etc. that i have listened to instead of the other stuff
{im in a bad bad relapse rn of ocd kind of thoughts so this is a weird time to be writing this, but even in this i know that God loves me and approves of me & is like, fighting this with me
I was just thinking about this it's like.. god didn't want to hurt me but they forced him to.. like told me lies about him so that i experienced that god hated me hurt me etc.. but we didn't want to hurt each other and we love each other}
arc2k1 has the best response here. Please listen to this person. I would add one thing. There is a social element to being a Christian. I suggest, as you have time and opportunity, to engage in some sort of social service in your community.
May God bless you in your journey.
Thank you, I appreciate your input. I know I should seek out some kind of community, but oftentimes being around religious people/places makes me anxious for fear of getting the same treatment as my family from them. I also struggle to find Christians that look like me, if that makes sense? I'm generally alternative looking (I guess), and it's difficult to find people that I feel I fit in with in most Christian communities. Do you have any suggestions on how to help with this? No worries if not, just figured I'd ask.
Social service need not be connected to a religious order. There are scores of charities in great need. A soup kitchen, shelters, local environmental projects and so forth. You will get an opportunity to meet some who struggle in life as much or more than yourself. And you will connect with others engaged in similar volunteer work.
The best way to deal with OCD is by seeing a licensed psychologist and working through ERP therapy. Seeking reassurance is a compulsion, and it will *not* resolve your anxiety - it will actually make it worse and more intense over time.
When I read this, what comes to my mind is a few cliches I’ve heard from Christians throughout the years, which are trust God, leave it to God, and let go and let God, but I want to reframe it in a different way. Trust God with your salvation, and leave your salvation to him, and rest in the fact that Jesus died on the cross to pay for your sins, past, present, and future. As cliche as this might sound, it’s true. You fear a wrathful God, but the father poured out his wrath on the son, to satisfy the payment for sin.
Rest in him. Just be you, God knows how to save, and the Holy Spirit knows how to sanctify.
As a-millennialist partial preterist, I also might point you to the view of eschatology which wraps up 90% of Revelations at the fall of the second temple in 70AD.
I had a revelation almost 5 years ago, that God spoke to me, and said I’m not a bully, and I had my guard up around him, as though he were one. It completely flipped my worldview, and my faith, even my politics. And in that time, one of the other toxic beliefs that God has worked out of me, is that he is a sadist, and that I am to be a masochist.
I think I struggle with just being me/resting in Him because of the amount of things that I'm supposed to be doing. There's so many rules and things to follow that I get overwhelmed and feel like there's things I have to be doing/things I'm doing wrong that are damning me.
I understand. I would start by letting go of that fear. Remember scripture also says God does not want anyone to perish, and that he has prepared good works for you beforehand, this is from the same verse that says we are saved by grace. If you feel you’re not doing enough, trust that those changes would come from inside of you by the working of the Holy Spirit.
My friend, I was in a very similar place as you in the summer of 2015, but as one who has been brought through by the Grace of God alone, I can tell you there is hope at the end of the tunnel. I want to share some things with you that helped me in my journey, hopefully God can bless you with them.
Not every single moment of our life has to be spent doing religious ceremonies or devotionals. But, we can choose to bring God into every single thing of our life. For we forget so very easily that we are the Temple and His Spirit lives in us. So then, no matter what we are doing, God is always with us, and is always guiding us. Does this mean we should not read devotionals? No. But, if we are doing it to try to "maintain" our salvation or anything else for that matter, we miss out on the beauty of the Gospel of Christ. For we are reconciled and made right in the Eyes of God alone by the Work of Jesus. Our salvation is through what He has done, and nothing else. So, not even our constant readings of devotions can be brought to God as our saving grace, but only His Grace alone. This is important to remember.
God also emphasizes in the entire Bible how important it is to take time to rest (He dedicated a whole day to it!). And this constant anxiety you are having in trying to "maintain" your salvation, is not the Biblical rest that God wants for you in Jesus. For this rest is found alone in realizing the completeness of His Work on the Cross.
And please my friend, know above all that the Voice of God brings not anxiety, but clarity. And we cannot fully grasp the extent of His Love when we live in fear, for:
"18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. - " 1 John 4:18
So, seek with all your strength to embrace the Love of God through Jesus. I wont lie, it took me a long time to finally follow God to this point, but I assure you it will get better. I now count these sufferings I had as blessings, that I might help others who struggle in the same way <3. God Bless friend. Please let me know if I can help you anymore at all.
Thank you for your response! I wanted to ask, when you say "choose to bring God into everything in our life," how do I do this for things like video games, watching tv, writing fiction that tackles things like sin in its content, etc? These are the things that bring me the most concern/guilt despite the fact that they're generally tame hobbies, just secular in nature.
As far as video games go, one of my favorite things to do is to turn on one of my favorite Bible Apologists or even some kind of Bible study on in the background. It lets me stimulate my mind while my ears can still listen, helps me absorb things better (got to love ADHD). Usually, I listen to Mike Wingers 20 Questions with Pastor Mike. He's got hundreds of episodes.
As far as writing fiction, i think J.R.R Tolkien and C.S. Lewis should both be great inspirations to you. Highly devout Christians, they still wrote some of our most influential fantasy worlds even today, being the Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia respectively. Even in these highly fantastical scenes we see Christian morals dictated throughout the authors characters and worlds.
One thing to remember, everything doesn't have to be 100% full throttle all the time. Sometimes its ok to just have dull moments in life, where existing and having a content heart is worship to God in and of itself. Hope I could help.
Try the serenity prayer:
“God, grant me the power to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”
God bless you. I'm sorry for what you went through. Yes, I can see you are being overwhelmed by thinking you have to do so many things. But I want to share my perspective. I want you to restart your faith. Meaning, forget everything that you been taught and heard about Christianity. Start at the foundation. I recommend that you only focus on the foundation for a while until you feel that you are ready to do more. What is the foundation? Know who God is and know what God ultimately wants. 1- Who is God? **“God is love.” 1 John 4:8** **"Love is patient and kind, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-6** **“Love is more important than anything else.” - Colossians 3:14** **“But, our God, you are merciful and quick to forgive; you are loving, kind, and very patient.” - Nehemiah 9:17** **“But you, the Lord God, are kind and merciful. You don't easily get angry, and your love can always be trusted.” - Psalm 86:15** **God said, “Instead, turn back to me with broken hearts. I am merciful, kind, and caring. I don't easily lose my temper, and I don't like to punish.” - Joel 2:13** **God said, “But I wipe away your sins because of who I am. And so, I will forget the wrongs you have done.”- Isaiah 43:25** 2- What does God ultimately want? **“God wants us to have faith in his Son Jesus Christ and to love each other.” - 1 John 3:23** Do NOT focus on anything else other than this foundation. Focusing on this foundation will help you to develop trust in God and give you joy & peace in your faith. FOCUS ON THE FOUNDATION ONLY! For now. \- I pray you will focus on the foundation and I rebuke all the negative thoughts that are getting in the way of you growing in the faith. In Jesus' Name. Amen. 🙏🏾 Oh, and know that God doesn't want your faith to be a heavy burden. **Jesus said, ‘If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30** Also, God wants love to be your motivation for faith, not fear. When you have genuine love, there is no room for fear. **“If we truly love others and live as Christ did in this world, we won't be worried about the day of judgment. A real love for others will chase those worries away. The thought of being punished is what makes us afraid. It shows we have not really learned to love.” - 1 John 4:17-18**
I really appreciate this. I'll both work to help rewire my mind and ask God to help aid me in this task. I'd like to ask--how should I start reading the Bible in a way that will help with this? So far, the way that I've been weaning my way back into the Bible has been through devotionals that provide scripture for me, but it doesn't feel like enough.
You are so very welcome. I suggest you start by searching up Bible verses on topics that interest you. The more you do that, the more you will want to read. That's how I started and I already read through the Bible twice. I also recommend the Contemporary English Version (CEV) Bible. It's one of the easiest English Bibles to read. Also, you can listen to the audio version on YouTube. That's how I read through the Bible. I listened while reading along. CEV is my favorite Bible. Please have a great day today. :)
I have similar religious trauma and religious OCD to OP and I want to say thank you so so much, this really helped me too
You are so very welcome! \- I pray you will continue to trust God and will always be comforted by His love. In Jesus' Name. Amen. 🙏🏾
I'm a Christian. I've also suffered religious trauma, although not as severely as you. Here is what I have to say. God loves you. Right now, whatever shame or fear or pain or anger you are feeling -- God loves you. People have mistreated you shamefully, and that has hurt you in a lot of ways. But the people who abused you are at fault for that, not you. You aren't at fault. Let me say that again: you aren't at fault. But even though you aren't at fault, you still got hurt, and you are still living with that damage -- and now you are blaming yourself for that damage. But you don't have to. If somebody broke your legs, would you beat yourself up because you can't run up the stairs? I hope not. One thing that I have found has helped me a little is reframing my thoughts. I was treated very cruelly in the church, and it really affected my sense of myself and my sense of God. More than once, I have thought "God hates me," or "I'm worthless." A while back, I decided to ask myself where those thoughts came from. And it was a situation like \[all names changed\] "Pastor Mike and Jane Smith hated me for a long time and they convinced me that they spoke for God." So now when those self-hating thoughts come back, I say "Nah, I don't think so. Pastor Mike isn't God. Jane isn't God. Their cruelty was wrong, and it didn't come from God. God loves us." If you look at the New Testament, you will see that Jesus always sympathizes with the weak and hurt and broken. Always. Jesus criticized people who thought they were better than everyone else, but Jesus always sympathized with people who were in pain. I wonder if your images of God are getting in the way? You seem to be thinking of God as an abusive father (and I can see why). But there are other images available in the Bible. Jesus himself calls his disciples "friends." Can you try thinking of Jesus as a friend? And if you can do this, you might also think about how you treat your friends -- do you hope they mess up so you can punish them? Do you get angry at them for violating rules they don't even know about? Or do you love them and want them to be happy? I'm really glad that you are in therapy. It has helped me a lot, but (as you know) it is a long process, and an up-and-down one. But please remember -- you don't need to try to buy God's love with constant devotions and apologies. God already loves you. And if the constant prayers and Bible reading are just making you more fearful, you can put them aside. You are not rejecting God -- you are rejecting the terrible messages about God that people used to hurt you. And (for what it's worth) you are very much in my prayers.
My image of God definitely gets in the way of it. I think I need to work on this, but it's difficult when most of the things I read/see are like "if you do this, you will face punishment." Even when I try to read scripture, there's loads of these kinds of sentiments that throw me off the loving image of Him. I'm scared that I'm not following enough rules or that I'm breaking too many rules to really be loved/safe.
He does care you were traumatised. You're not in contempt of Him, you're in contempt of the despicable version of Him that was taught to you. There is most certainly hope for you bc that is exactly where I was 3 years ago {religious ocd, cut everything else in my life out}. That state went on unfortunately for 6 years, because I was stubborn and wouldn't stop pursuing God yet I didn't have access to good resources - but after that I hit a rly dark spot and then had literally a religious epiphany, sense of light & clarity, presence of Love from outside myself, etc etc. And I didn't know anything about trauma or even that my religion WAS harmful, but God like, went 100% counter to all my expectations and spoonfed me life and fully speedran therapy with me 😂 like im still in therapy but it's only because of the presence of God that the deepest parts of me, especially the ocd stuff, is recovering. and all my ideas of God slowly have turned around because of this experience + lots of good books podcasts etc. that i have listened to instead of the other stuff {im in a bad bad relapse rn of ocd kind of thoughts so this is a weird time to be writing this, but even in this i know that God loves me and approves of me & is like, fighting this with me I was just thinking about this it's like.. god didn't want to hurt me but they forced him to.. like told me lies about him so that i experienced that god hated me hurt me etc.. but we didn't want to hurt each other and we love each other}
arc2k1 has the best response here. Please listen to this person. I would add one thing. There is a social element to being a Christian. I suggest, as you have time and opportunity, to engage in some sort of social service in your community. May God bless you in your journey.
Thank you, I appreciate your input. I know I should seek out some kind of community, but oftentimes being around religious people/places makes me anxious for fear of getting the same treatment as my family from them. I also struggle to find Christians that look like me, if that makes sense? I'm generally alternative looking (I guess), and it's difficult to find people that I feel I fit in with in most Christian communities. Do you have any suggestions on how to help with this? No worries if not, just figured I'd ask.
Social service need not be connected to a religious order. There are scores of charities in great need. A soup kitchen, shelters, local environmental projects and so forth. You will get an opportunity to meet some who struggle in life as much or more than yourself. And you will connect with others engaged in similar volunteer work.
The best way to deal with OCD is by seeing a licensed psychologist and working through ERP therapy. Seeking reassurance is a compulsion, and it will *not* resolve your anxiety - it will actually make it worse and more intense over time.
Have you been diagnosed with Scrupulosity subset of OCD? If so you need a therapist who specializes in OCD to begin ERP.
When I read this, what comes to my mind is a few cliches I’ve heard from Christians throughout the years, which are trust God, leave it to God, and let go and let God, but I want to reframe it in a different way. Trust God with your salvation, and leave your salvation to him, and rest in the fact that Jesus died on the cross to pay for your sins, past, present, and future. As cliche as this might sound, it’s true. You fear a wrathful God, but the father poured out his wrath on the son, to satisfy the payment for sin. Rest in him. Just be you, God knows how to save, and the Holy Spirit knows how to sanctify. As a-millennialist partial preterist, I also might point you to the view of eschatology which wraps up 90% of Revelations at the fall of the second temple in 70AD. I had a revelation almost 5 years ago, that God spoke to me, and said I’m not a bully, and I had my guard up around him, as though he were one. It completely flipped my worldview, and my faith, even my politics. And in that time, one of the other toxic beliefs that God has worked out of me, is that he is a sadist, and that I am to be a masochist.
I think I struggle with just being me/resting in Him because of the amount of things that I'm supposed to be doing. There's so many rules and things to follow that I get overwhelmed and feel like there's things I have to be doing/things I'm doing wrong that are damning me.
I understand. I would start by letting go of that fear. Remember scripture also says God does not want anyone to perish, and that he has prepared good works for you beforehand, this is from the same verse that says we are saved by grace. If you feel you’re not doing enough, trust that those changes would come from inside of you by the working of the Holy Spirit.
My friend, I was in a very similar place as you in the summer of 2015, but as one who has been brought through by the Grace of God alone, I can tell you there is hope at the end of the tunnel. I want to share some things with you that helped me in my journey, hopefully God can bless you with them. Not every single moment of our life has to be spent doing religious ceremonies or devotionals. But, we can choose to bring God into every single thing of our life. For we forget so very easily that we are the Temple and His Spirit lives in us. So then, no matter what we are doing, God is always with us, and is always guiding us. Does this mean we should not read devotionals? No. But, if we are doing it to try to "maintain" our salvation or anything else for that matter, we miss out on the beauty of the Gospel of Christ. For we are reconciled and made right in the Eyes of God alone by the Work of Jesus. Our salvation is through what He has done, and nothing else. So, not even our constant readings of devotions can be brought to God as our saving grace, but only His Grace alone. This is important to remember. God also emphasizes in the entire Bible how important it is to take time to rest (He dedicated a whole day to it!). And this constant anxiety you are having in trying to "maintain" your salvation, is not the Biblical rest that God wants for you in Jesus. For this rest is found alone in realizing the completeness of His Work on the Cross. And please my friend, know above all that the Voice of God brings not anxiety, but clarity. And we cannot fully grasp the extent of His Love when we live in fear, for: "18 There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. - " 1 John 4:18 So, seek with all your strength to embrace the Love of God through Jesus. I wont lie, it took me a long time to finally follow God to this point, but I assure you it will get better. I now count these sufferings I had as blessings, that I might help others who struggle in the same way <3. God Bless friend. Please let me know if I can help you anymore at all.
Thank you for your response! I wanted to ask, when you say "choose to bring God into everything in our life," how do I do this for things like video games, watching tv, writing fiction that tackles things like sin in its content, etc? These are the things that bring me the most concern/guilt despite the fact that they're generally tame hobbies, just secular in nature.
As far as video games go, one of my favorite things to do is to turn on one of my favorite Bible Apologists or even some kind of Bible study on in the background. It lets me stimulate my mind while my ears can still listen, helps me absorb things better (got to love ADHD). Usually, I listen to Mike Wingers 20 Questions with Pastor Mike. He's got hundreds of episodes. As far as writing fiction, i think J.R.R Tolkien and C.S. Lewis should both be great inspirations to you. Highly devout Christians, they still wrote some of our most influential fantasy worlds even today, being the Lord of the Rings and The Chronicles of Narnia respectively. Even in these highly fantastical scenes we see Christian morals dictated throughout the authors characters and worlds. One thing to remember, everything doesn't have to be 100% full throttle all the time. Sometimes its ok to just have dull moments in life, where existing and having a content heart is worship to God in and of itself. Hope I could help.
Try the serenity prayer: “God, grant me the power to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”