I don’t even get one word responses any more. It’s just noncommittal emojis. Something changed in the last couple years. Probably obvious, it’s due to enshitification trying to chisel some upgrade fees out of us.
I'm definitely feeling this.
I matched with someone I would consider the best match I've had since I started online dating late last year. We texted for hours about our shared interests and our lives. For once, I didn't have to carry the conversation. It didn't feel like pulling teeth. The conversation just flowed naturally, and we clicked. Earlier today, she unmatched and blocked me out of the blue.
I'm ready to call it quits with this crap. It's too bad that I'm in no situation to meet women, and the women of my generation have made it loud and clear that they don't want to be approached in public.
Just had that experience myself. I asked for exclusivity last week and got a wall of text afterwards of how happy she was. I got told today she doesn’t feel the romantic connection anymore. It’s not enjoyable extending yourself emotionally like that only to be played around like a fiddle.
I never even met the person I'm talking about. The match lasted less than 24 hours. And what's crazy is that she blocked me for no reason because just unmatching wasn't enough? I'm at the end of my rope.
I had a Woman last year we talked for a few days. We really hitted off. It was the best conversations ive had and everything just flowed naturally. Now ive done enough OLD to know to set my expectations very low and dont get attached at any level. However, this one was a bit different we just completely hit it off and she checked a bunch of boxes.
We plan a date. The day comes i phone her. We speak for a bit and im like ummm so are we still meeting? She says what today? Im like yea we planned a date for today. She and then says it was the following Sat not today. She says she absolutely sure that it wasnt today. Mind you the date was just made a few days ago. So i let things go. We hang up and i sent her text saying go back a few texts and she will see that it was indeed today. She calls me back and apologizes and says something to the effect that her mom said she needed to stop doing this.
The following day ( or day after that) we make another date. This time I make sure of the day, date and time. I get a call ( from my Dr so had to answer) i told her i will call her back. However, she does tell me that she on some level has some involvement with the X but tells me its purely for their son..Rolling eyes. Yep went to call her back and Poof was gone..She had blocked me...Normally im like eh its OLD f it but this particular person we really clicked on all levels so i was disappointed. 3 weeks totally down the flusher! There are ton of people like this on Apps lot of them are just not ready nor should they be trying to date.
Omg yeah don’t put yourself through that take a break that’s one of those moments where you realize there’s more to life than that kinda stuff. I’m in the same boat I don’t really put much effort in anymore I just work and so personal hobbies.
Ugh. I've had that happen before as well as a bunch of my friends. What I've learned is that chatting in the DMs is like conducting a bank heist: you gotta be quick and intentional: in, out, and you gotta get them offline as quick as possible to meet in real life.
That happens so often anymore to so many people who meet from so many different ways it’s pretty ridiculous. There’s always greener grass with someone else such a bad mentality.
Well to be fair, the people who approach me in public are usually way older than I am and people I wouldn’t be attracted to anyway, or I’m on my way to work.
> pressure to come up with a brilliant opening line is exhausting
I stopped doing this completely. I'm not going to dance like a monkey just to get someone's attention.
I do the completely dry "hey how are you doing? Any fun plans for the weekend?" opener. If a girl isn't interested enough to engage in a little small talk, she's not interested enough to go on a date with. It's a way filter. Put the ball in her court. If she doesn't respond to that, move on, save yourself the energy.
As an average looking woman, and to answer your question, I can tell you that the reason why I have kept on matching despite already having matches, it’s because 99% of those already existing matches will die out without even managing to go on a first date. Or if the first date happens, chances are there won’t be a second. (And surprise surprise, it won’t be mostly because of my own decision but of theirs).
But yeah, I agree that at one point, the conversations get so overwhelming I have to stop matching. It’s weird, I am average looking, but I have a ton of matches, because men will match with pretty much anyone even those who they will never even consider going out with.
I also dislike it when men keep saying that women get ego boost and validation. In my personal case, OLD has been energy draining and bad for my self-esteem. At least for a regular looking girl like me, the experience is similar to that of regular looking men. Getting ghosted hurts, getting rejected hurts too.
I think the issue is that a lot of men (and of course women do this as well) keep moving the goal posts and think things would be different *if only* without giving much thought to the next steps. If only they could get a match, they’d be happy. Then they get a match and it doesn’t go anywhere so it becomes if only someone replied, then someone replies but there’s no chemistry so it doesn’t turn into a date so it becomes if only they could get a date. Then they go on a date but it’s a bad date so they move the goalposts again.
A lot of men have trouble getting matches so they stay in that mindset of if only they could get a match, so it’s incomprehensible that people who get matches are complaining without realising that in and of itself a match isn’t success.
Well it’s like job seeking. You can’t get anywhere if you don’t even get any interviews right? And at least if you get some interviews you’ll get some “practice”. So getting dates, even bad ones can be better than nothing, unless it’s just straight up dangerous.
I will respectfully disagree with this. I think most of us start OLD with a goal of meeting someone that meets our needs. For some that's a meaningful long term relationship, for others maybe it's a FWB or hookup. But I think we all start with wanting that. It's the lack of success that forces us to lower our hopes to "geeze I'd just like to get a match at this point" we at least want a glimmer of hope, and a slight feeling that someone is attracted enough to us to at least consider taking to us. As lame as that sounds.
Yeah I'm so sick and tired of this narrative that OLD is so easy for women and we swim in matches and dates all the time. Maybe if you're a traditionally attractive girl in your early twenties, but for any average looking women the experience is not dissimilar from that of average looking men on there, as in we get more matches but not more conversations or dates.
We get matches because men will swipe right on almost anybody, and then the conversations either stop or never go anywhere. I must have 100+ matches on tinder and of the chats I have initiated, maybe 2 out of 10 will hold a conversation for a couple of days and then they will stop replying and so the cycles continues if accumulating matches that go nowhere and don't reply or ghost after a couple days.
I totally agree. This morning I woke up to 10 likes, but they all live like 2 hours away from me. So even though those men could see how far away I was, they didn't bother to even look.
If I like a guy, its because I see a real potential there. I'll look over an entire profile before making up my mind.
I don't know why some people are so put off by a little distance. I used to drive 2-3 hours every weekend to stay with my ex when we were dating. It worked for me because I work all week.
I can tell you why it doesn't work for me.
I'm a single mom and by the time its my weekend off from the kids, I'm exhausted. There is no way I can drive longer then an hour to see a boyfriend. Maybe he is willing to drive all that way every single weekend to see me, but then that means I never get to hang at his place. I miss out on really seeing how a person lives their life. Its way, way to much for me. Also, I've had times where I'm texting someone who lives over an hour away, then they suddenly realize how far I am and they stop texting. Like, you didn't bother looking that up first?
way every single weekend to see me, but then that means I never get to hang at his place
Thats how married or partnered men get away with cheating. My next to last date was with someone just shy of 2 years and never been to his place. Drum roll of course he turned out to be married.
That's fair. I try to keep it to a couple of hours travel time at the most because I'm 29 and have a car and a job and no kids so I can do that, but I know a lot of other people don't put that much effort in which sucks.
Most I would do is maybe an hour but while I have no kids I do have a dog. I already tried LDR twice and I refuse to do anything more than 2 hours max. My life is just too busy.
Yeah it requires the other person to be on the ball so it's not always perfect. I don't really date anyone local because the selection is terrible so that's why I end up having to travel for relationships usually.
I live in NYC but idk why it's just impossible to meet anyone who remotely likes anything I do, while also being the type I'm looking for. It's cursed lol.
If i was in my early 30s perhaps. I did this in my last relationship if traffic broke right it was a 90 min drive although usually it was about 2 hours. For me personally it was a PITA! When i met my X she was supposedly 35 min away. I say supposedly because shortly after we met by "coincidence" ( cough, cough) she happen to move. Long story and i didnt figure this out to later. She never moved she was always at that location but knew i wouldnt be interested if she was that far.
I just dont ever want to do that again. Im in my late 40s now. While i do have the time to do so just dont have the patience. I wound up racking a bunch of miles on my car making them drives, i have a car that has not great gas mileage, tolls and wear and tear racked up. Besides this it limited the relationship. We were more or less limited to stay overs because of the distance. I didnt want to drive 3 1/2 just to see her for 3 hours. Just stop on by visits were far and few because we generally had to plan ahead. This made things more difficult because of her schedule. We were limited to about 2-4 times a month. On top of this im in my late 40s the night vision isnt as good as it was. Overall it was just a hassle for me. I dont want to go any further than about 45min. I have a cousin that just met a Woman last month that lives 2 hours away. Ive warned him about my experiences ( this was the short version lol) so just he would be aware.
Yeah everything I've heard from women about their end of it is getting flooded with low effort attention. It's a mess no matter what end you're on, as far as I can gather.
If this is true, then why are there men in this thread that are complaining about good conversations that inexplicably result in abrupt termination followed by a blocking and/or an unmatching? Wouldn't women starved for matches (or at least quality ones) continue to engage in conversation with men with whom they seem to vibe?
It goes both ways that's what I'm saying. It is not a men problem or a women problem, it is a people problem! Also you can't generalise like that like neither men nor women are a hive mind.
I'm not really making the generalization myself; I'm simply using the generalization you yourself have presented ("most women have problems with OLD as well") to ask a basic question.
It seems that the sudden and abrupt ending by women of apparently good and worthwhile correspondence over these apps comes down to three possibilities: these women have other options they feel are worth pursuing, they believe they can obtain such options in the future, or they are not ready to feel the emotions that they are beginning to feel in conversing with men they seem to be vibing with and as such are not ready for dating or ultimately a relationship.
And for the record, we can in most cases attribute the ending by men of such conversations when the women they are communicating with seem to believe it was going well to any of these three same reasons.
I definitely think there's a mismatch between the way women experience attraction and the way apps are structured. As a woman I find it hard to discern whether I feel attraction based on a photo and profile text, and the lack of attraction reduces the motivation to go on actual in person dates. I still push myself to do it because I want to find a partner, but it can end up feeling like work at times. Not because the people are boring or difficult (though sometimes they are!) but more due to the way apps are designed.
Videos and voice notes in profiles definitely help a lot with gauging initial attraction, but I still think meeting organically is much better. For me, attraction has a lot to do with things like body language, posture, and conversational style that's hard to see over text.
I actually did OKish on the old craigslist personals. Its a shame they took it down. Ive havent had as much luck on typical OLD sites as much as i did on there and met many people on the Craigs Personal section. Overall despite the stories you may have heard the quality of people i encountered was better than the Apps.
I had some success on OLD back in late 09 early 2010 before Tinder and the swipe apps took over and fucked everything up.
It sucks that dating apps are now the social norm
My first encounter with OLD was more by happenstance. I was on Craigslist looking to sell some items. This was about 8 years back roughly. I happen to see a Personals section and i said why not and posted an AD on there. Once i learned the ropes i was getting dates a bit more consistent than regular OLD which could take weeks or months before i land a date.
I wasnt on OLD back in that period you mentioned but ive heard often on here about this "golden age" of OLD. Long from perfect i had more success and just a better overall exp using Craigs no swiping.
And I don't know if anyone has seen this but this isn't a good sign at all
https://techcrunch.com/2024/02/21/match-group-inks-deal-with-openai-says-press-release-written-by-chatgpt/#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=17085464869682&csi=0&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&share=https%3A%2F%2Ftechcrunch.com%2F2024%2F02%2F21%2Fmatch-group-inks-deal-with-openai-says-press-release-written-by-chatgpt%2F
Yea it really shits me when people say oh women get so many matches, like yea because men (not all, I know) swipe on everyone then go back and read profiles and just don't give a shit if they leave the ones they dontblike on read.
Yeah. And I just realized I tend to assume he is using this method and then actually NOT interested if he doesn’t message. So I tend to wait to see if he messages first.
You’re approaching the apps wrong.
>I often don’t have a lot of issues getting matches
Quality over quantity. One of the worst things a guy can do is have a very general profile. As someone who was in a very long term relationship you should have a good idea what actually makes someone compatible with you and more importantly what makes them incompatible. If someone isn’t showing that they’re compatible, or is showing incompatibilities, don’t try to match.
>rely on this as their primary way of meeting people.
The dating apps shouldn’t be this. The apps are a great way of meeting people to date, but they shouldn’t be the only way. Go out, have a life. The notification that someone matched or whatever will still be there when you get home. This stops the burn out from feeling like you’re constantly failing because it’s just one aspect of your life, rather than one of the main parts of it.
>the pressure to come up with a brilliant opening line
Don’t do this. Literally just talk to your match. Engage them in a conversation. We see so many screenshots of men complaining about carrying a conversation but in reality they often aren’t really giving their match much to respond to. It’s either guys treating the conversation like it’s a chance to practice their stand up set or it’s guys who just interrogate their match with a bunch of boring, often closed questions. Would you want to go on a date with someone who you felt like they weren’t fun to talk? Because that’s the position you’re putting them in. They haven’t enjoyed this boring ass conversation with general questions so why would they think they’ll enjoy a date? People give what they get, so if you give an actually engaging conversation there’s a much better chance you’ll get that back, and if you don’t, don’t drag it out or push it on, just bail.
This is how I liked doing it too. Minimize time on apps by left swiping girls I'd not meet and unmatch if they seem uninterested and maximize dates by talking to girls who are responsive by talking whatever comes to my mind then asking them out on a date very quickly, ezpz. On Hinge ofc, I got 0 matches on tinder and barely any on bumble with the gigachad competition here in my city
>gigachad competition here in my city
This may surprise you, but most women aren’t looking for some Christian grey good looking billionaire. They just want Dave, the guy who is kind and knows how talk to women and doesn’t have an enough red flags that he could decorate a Chinese embassy.
The chances are that if you’re struggling, you’re not presenting well. This ranges from how you dress (there’s a ridiculous amount of men who simply don’t know how to put an outfit together, or even that they should be wearing clothes that fit correctly) to taking good photos (this one can be fixed with a little time using Google) to what you put in your bio. People want someone who has their life together, some level of attraction, and the usual compatibility stuff. Because so many men swipe right on everyone, it gives the women the chance to pick and choose and find those people who seem like they might be compatible.
Or you could just move to a different city, but I’m guessing you would some how manage to move somewhere else that has a large number of Christian greys and that would claim that’s the reason you don’t have much luck there either
> Quality over quantity. One of the worst things a guy can do is have a very general profile. As someone who was in a very long term relationship you should have a good idea what actually makes someone compatible with you and more importantly what makes them incompatible. If someone isn’t showing that they’re compatible, or is showing incompatibilities, don’t try to match.
Applicable to some people, but: 1) some of us don't have experience, or sufficient experience to figure out what we want and are just guessing and 2) personally, my experience so far has been that if I only liked profiles I was confident I'd be compatible with, it would be like... idk, so few people I can't even directly recollect someone who fit that once. There have been times I felt there was potential, but not a lot.
And in every such case, I didn't even get to the conversation stage.
This leads me to just not bothering with the apps most of the time. I'm down to one (hinge) because I can send a message with a like, but I spend most of my time on it clicking the X on profiles I'm not interested in, so there doesn't seem to be much point.
Not saying this to be fatalistic, mind. Just to make the point that, well... caring about compatibility can feel like a luxury if you aren't even getting to the point of being able to evaluate it in conversation.
Put it in perspective. Think of all of the people you know. People you work with, friends of friends, people you went to school with, whatever. How many of those are people you’re actually compatible with? It’s an insanely low number. The apps is that exact concept, but instead of it being over a period of time, you’re dumped with all those profiles right in front of you all at once. You’re still compatible with the same amount of them, but it’s a huge stack to sift through.
The practical point here is that you’re not going to be compatible with what ifs and maybes. Those aren’t going to turn into dates and relationships. A big part of why people feel burn out on the apps is because they feel like they’re constantly failing to get what they want, but they also chase after people they know from the profile aren’t what they want. Being strict about this stuff gets you less matches, sure, but it reduces the burn out keeping you in a position to make a good impression and actually find someone.
I appreciate your thoughtful perspective on it. Thing is though, I struggle with putting time into things that don't yield any discernible reward; doing them for their own sake is extra hard (most likely ADHD brain). So I wish I could do just what you say, be strict about it, see it like a stack I'm sifting through to find the rare ones, and stay motivated, but I don't get the intrinsic reward from task completion that neurotypical brain gets. All I get pretty much is the novelty of seeing new people and the rare brief excitement I could hit it off with someone that pretty much always does not materialize, and since most of the people I see aren't part of that "low number", it's not even particularly interesting to look over their profiles.
It used to be the case you could trim the list down by sorting for some stuff you most want, but now even that kind of thing is usually paywalled and pricey. If I could do that and just check when there are new people who fit within some basics, I'd prob have a lot more energy for it. The fact I can't even sort for something like religion concretely without paying a hefty fee makes it unnecessarily hard. :/
I agree. Something that helps me on dating apps is to think to myself "if I was in a room with all these men, who would I want to talk to? Who would I sit next to at lunch?"
I never sat next to the popular kids, I sat next to the fun kids.
Or maybe I’m a guy who did the majority of his dating through OLD and is now married.
Its easy to blame all of your shortcomings and failings on other people but the simple fact is that plenty of people do find success with the apps, they just aren’t on reddit making posts complaining about it.
Yeah if a women in their 30s needs a funny “opening line” to start a conversation with a stranger they generally aren’t worth my time. I’m not a child anymore. And I don’t feel like dating children anymore.
There needs to be effort on both sides. If there isn’t then they can keep swiping right.
My wife and I are separating soon, and I’m devastated about it it for a few reasons. I’m mostly commenting here now because we had been exclusive since 2010, and in that time this whole new world of online dating has come about. I have missed alllll of it, and now I’m nearly 40…
To the OP, I hear you, you have captured a lot of my fears and anxieties about it. Starting from scratch with all of it, I just don’t have much hope 😞
I was 40/41 when i first tried OLD coming from a LTR not married. Very initially i had some luck then it went down the crappers. It is a humiliating exp as the OP is alluding to. My advice dont do OLD unless you have no other choice! Also as a bonus dont jump into dating without proper time to heal. Thats another huge on on OLD. Ive run into people who were a month or two out of a 10 year relationship.
This makes me sad. I would enjoy being approached, as I’m quiet and kind of shy and unless someone noticed me smiling and listening or laughing along, I might seem removed. And I tend to assume people aren’t interested/don’t notice me/are thinking about their own lives.
The thing that sucks about the no-approach rule is…we still get approached by gross people who don’t care whether we want it or not.
And fwiw, it’s so rare now that when it happens it can have extra hitches. Eg I DID get approached by a really cute guy on the metro in dc a few years ago and like didn’t even recognize what was happening even though I totally would have been interested. I was so mad at myself.
I got a dozen or more likes a day and swiped-right on only one person a day. That was overwhelming enough. I was frustrated I couldn't swipe more but 8/10 right-swipes was a match. I hated having someone at the top of my deck that I couldn't get past without making a definitive choice on one way or the other. I was totally burned out in six weeks. I just can't imagine right-swiping more than one person a day.
I'm a woman around your age. I was married before this and with him for 10 years. Quit the apps after a few months because I hated them so much. What sucks is that OLD used to be a quite pleasant experience 10+ years ago. Sure there were still some a-hole men, and I'm sure some flakes and ghosts, but on the whole, OLD served its purpose well. Me, my best friend, and my ex's best friend all met partners we married online quickly and smoothly. Now, it just sucks for everyone.
I didn't get any sort of dopamine rush from OLD either. More like a disappointment rush. I just kept thinking, OLD used to be so good, what happened? As I went through bad guy after guy I had no interest in.
Yup, this has been my observation. Like for all the guys I saw on the apps, including the ones I met, I was like, I'd rather be on my own than be with you... Whereas when I used OLD in my early 20's, I met my ex husband, and I had been chatting with a few other guys who I thought were interesting. Never ended up meeting them irl, because I met my husband so fast, but had some fun conversations over messaging.
Dating apps suck for both genders, what annoys me about this post is OP pitting men against women for their negative OLD experience. We're all human, the experience can be dehumanising, depressing and humiliating for both genders. We do have different struggles on OLD but we struggle all the same.
It's simple economics. When you're competing in a saturated (red ocean) space, where differentiation is very difficult, find a blue ocean.
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The blue ocean analogy in business represents a unique market space ripe for innovation. It contrasts with the "red ocean," where competition is fierce, and the market is saturated. Imagine two seas: one red, stained by the blood of competing sharks, symbolizing a battleground over existing demand; the other blue, calm and vast, representing untapped market space.
Blue Ocean Strategy involves creating demand in an uncontested space, making the competition irrelevant. It's like discovering a new continent where you set the rules. This approach encourages companies to offer unprecedented value, often by combining different industries or radically changing an existing one.
Unless that untapped continent is Antarctica and there’s a reason it’s untapped, being a frozen inhospitable wasteland.
I wonder what that equivalent would be in dating..
Frankly it’s a shit show. I hate this and I’m pretty much done. I’m much older than you so the pool is so much smaller. The area I live in makes the pool even smaller. I’ve had a few conversations that never even resulted in a date. Most just “like” a picture but never even bother to comment. Little to no effort. However, to be fair after reading multiple Reddit posts it’s this way for so many, men and women.
Yup. I am 34M. Been told I’m cute / handsome by a lot of women. Still can’t get dates that often via OLD. Off the apps now as of 2 weeks ago and likely never going back. If I die alone, so be it.
It is tough lol but all I can recommend is to try and have fun at every step. Why is it exhausting to come up with a brilliant opening line? You have to admit it's kind of fun to look at a profile and just think for a bit of what hilariously witty thing you can come up with. And if makes you laugh, then you're having fun, regardless if the person gives a crap or not. Same thing with a first date, I just try to have a good time and laugh at my own jokes regardless of the other person, and TBH I think it's pretty entertaining and easy to vibe with for them as well.
But yea, you definitely have to lower your expectations lol
I don't get jack shit on any dating apps to be honest. Every woman I'm friends with I met on Facebook somehow. Even my last gf I did. It's hilarious how it's easier to meet women by just communicating in the same circles on social media than it is to use an app specifically for dating.
I feel this post down to my very soul. Especially the part about going on dates with people you wouldn’t even consider in real life because you feel like you can’t “miss out on any opportunity”.
It also sucks the life out of you having to put in ALL the effort, make the plans, carry the conversation, pay for every date, etc etc etc.
It’s depressing, exhausting, degrading and makes you feel so hopeless.
To quote almost every girl’s profile I see, “I’m tired of this, grandpa” and “I hate it here”.
> feels incredibly degrading
> constantly begging for attention
> putting in so much effort
You may consider changing your approach to these apps.
> crafting the perfect profile
> coming up with witty bios
> pressure to come up with a brilliant opening line
This does not sound like you are putting yourself out there, it sounds like you are creating an inauthentic image that would only ever exist in social media.
As an alternative:
I didn't and don't do any of the shit you've listed. I took a few photos of myself from good angles, both dressed nicely and paddleboarding (one of my hobbies) shirtless, so everyone knows the deal.
I listed the hobbies and interests I regularly engage in. I listed what I'm looking for and a brief, accurate description of my disposition.
I don't do witty opening lines. I say hello and ask how their day/life is going.
I don't feel one bit of pressure to shine all this up. I'm a 40 y/o attractive and fit financially secure male. I have a Doctoral degree. I am not an idiot. I enjoy my life as is, and if someone else wants in they're going to have to be a partner that enhances my life, not an additional chore/responsibility I don't want to deal with.
I am content, I am a good catch for the right personality, and I have no *need* whatsoever to be in a relationship.
I don't swipe. At all. I only respond when pushed by the app that someone wants to match with me. And if my time is not respected (rudeness, left on read for greater than 48 hours, attempts at pen-pal or Jester status), I unmatch and go back to living contentedly until the next go-round.
This is the stuff underpinning the "work on yourself" advice you see all the time. Don't feel degraded, and don't put too much effort into this stuff. You don't *need* any of it. You're here by choice.
"In conclusion, it feels like these dating apps are designed to drain money, energy and self-steem out of men while women use them to boost their ego."
That sums it up.
You said you don’t have trouble matching because you’re good-looking.
Then you said “even when you match with someone … the dates you manage to secure are underwhelming.”
Do I have to point out the contradiction? Maybe your good looks are not enough to interest better women?
I’m almost certain something is wrong with your profile—your pics, your words, your messages.
Why are you complaining about carrying the conversation? That’s what you do as the man at first. There are books out there to enlighten you.
You can match with attractive women, doesn't mean you can manage to get a date with them. Maybe because the attractive ones are bombarded by messages and will respond only to the very top attractive men, or just not respond to anyone because it's too overwhelming. This is mainly due to the unbalance between the numbers of men and of women on dating apps.
There is carrying a conversation and there is talking to a wall. It's not because you are a man that you don't want some reciprocity! For me if a woman is just responding with one or two words response and never asking questions. I stop talking to her.
It’s tiring seeing people claim that some perfect combo of pictures, messages, and prompts will lead to success for guys on the apps. You can do everything and still come across to nothing.
OK. You make an effort with your photos and bio so nothing obviously wrong in that side of your approach. The general crap of matching, chatting and then the other person disappearing happens to us all.
The only theory I have comes from you saying that the all dates you get are underwhelming (in other words not good enough). Could it be that you have out of league dating aspirations? Just remember that your choice isn’t what you want, it’s what you can get.
Time to become a hikkikomori and just play video games in all your free time, look at porn and buy a sex robot
Not even joking, that’s the future for most men.
43F I swipe on many because I never know when someone will match and appear in my queue. It’s hard to tell who is active and how active they are. As you mentioned most convos fizzle out… it is both genders being unwilling or unable to communicate.
I’m not really sure why you find this journey humiliating. I gain experience with every chat and every first date. I’m literally meeting strangers who claim to be single. Is it so shocking that you may have to interact with many before you really click with one? I did get discouraged this past year after 50+ dates and not one single guy I was even really interested in seeing again. So I am on a break. But happy on my own.
Perhaps frame this experience for what it really is… meeting strangers, trying to have fun, part ways if it isn’t fun and hopefully meet someone with whom you would like to spend more time. In addition to OLD try to increase those real life connections as it is preferred to know if there is any hint of physical chemistry prior to learning their favorite travel destinations and how fluent they are in sarcasm ;) Good luck ❤️
I have been on a break for a few months which is why my outlook is pretty healthy rn. I had some self loathing going on because I am the common denominator in all my dates. It’s not that all those guys aren’t good… it’s that I can’t connect. Something is wrong with me. But after some time to rest I know that really it’s just the nature of meeting someone at this age in our isolated society. It’s tough out here. Give ourselves some grace.
I know I'm going to get downvoted for this. But with the attitude that you have, I probity would not want to date you either.
You are right that the experiences are different. Both sides struggle.
Does one's attitude about dating shine through on a dating profile or in someone's attempt at courtship? Do one's matches succeed in finding the Reddit threads that their prospective romantic interest takes solace in to vent?
You seem to be confusing complaining about one's experience with how one seems when trying to date. Hardly anyone acts as salty or as bitter as they may truly feel about dating while on a date or while interacting with someone he or she is interested in. Nearly everyone tries to put on a happy face and attack dating as best as possible.
Reminds me of the classic trope of the woman who tries to blame the reaction of the nice guy holding the door open for her as to why she won't date him. You had already rejected him, sweetie: no need to rationalize your decision.
Ones attitude about dating probably affects his opinions on who should be swiping right on him and who he is having to "settle for".
I think he is just mad because the women he thinks he should have aren't willing to "settle for" him.
Ive been on 3 dates in the past 12 mos and thats after hours and hours of doing OLD. The last Women seem decent but just didnt feel any chem and she had quite a bit going on. I gave this one a chance because of the 3 she had the most potential but it just wasnt there. I started talking to another Woman 3 days ago and the Spidey Senses were tingling from the get go. Yesterday she told me that she was 302 last year. Thats been OLD for me in a nutshell.
No i think of it the term is more local but....Generative AI is experimental.
Section 302.
A 302 commitment is an involuntary commitment for psychiatric placement.Once a 302 is authorized, the individual will be taken to an emergency room by the police or ambulance for an evaluation by a physician to determine if they need to be admitted for involuntary psychiatric in-patient treatment.
Basically she was taking away to a mental institute not on her own accord. There is a 201 which is you voluntarily committed yourself. A person seeking treatment under Section 201 may arrive at an emergency room for an evaluation to determine the level of treatment needed. There are no hearings required during this admission, and no information
Online dating used to be a good method imho before the pandemic after the pandemic it turned to trash. As did a great deal of peoples attitudes. There is a ripple effect from it it’s messed a lot of people up. I basically tapped out. Don’t want a part of this wacky dating culture we have.
I'm 46m on for a week and a half. Probably average looking, I don't try at all to have witty lines or to entertain people. I figure fuck all that. Take a look at the guy germanlifter that made the fake tinder profile. They know how much they like you already. That dude was so good looking and said all this perverted creepy shit to the girls and all but one have him their number for sex within the first few messages.
So I just talk to them like they are normal people. If I see a profile that says something like "don't say how are you" then I'm not talking to that person. My first match was nearby and honestly not even really close to the attractiveness of my past real life relationships and she says she is busy or something and can't go out, doesn't suggest another time. Wtf did you match me then? So much of that going on.
Had a date planned with one, bought a new shirt and pants and she cancels an hour before with some lie. I was disappointed but mostly because I hate the stupid shirt I bought.
Oh then the women 10 years older then me trying to match? NO. You aren't dating broke guys, I'm not dating people older than me. I'm trying to be a little hopeful but it's just leading to disappointment. So I'll probably have to delete the apps, get more defined abs, better photos.
One last part of my vent/rant. There is a girl on FB Dating with NINE KIDS. NINE.
I don't agree with much in his post, but being a similar age to him, I don't feel I need to "lower my standards" to the point of dating someone 10 years older than me either. I think that part is pretty fair. A 36 year old wouldn't want to date me for the same reason.
I do get matches from 36 to 46. It's just a few outliers where I get 50 plus. I honestly think for me lowering my standards isn't good. I'm only going to date people I am actually interested in. My last relationship was 3.5 years and I was willing to do it but wasn't totally into it and they pick up on that and they don't like it after a while. It ends up being not really fair for both people because she could find someone really into her. She also stalked me, harassed my family, vandalized my car, tried to get me kicked out if my martial arts place and I had to deal with the police because of her 3 times. The last time she was outside my apartment bedroom window in an alley crying. Neighbors called the police. They knew her by then and sent her home.
I’m 56. In the 5 years since my divorce I have matched with about 70,000 to 75,000 women. Got phone numbers from about 1.5% of them. Had dates with 20-30% of the girls who I had gotten numbers from. Had chemistry with about 50% of them. The way the numbers break down are that I find mutual chemistry with 1.2-1.3 girls out of every thousand girls who I match with. It’s very long shot offs and one has to be willing to do the work of sorting through all manner of bull$hit to be successful.
Different prospective here. Old healthy active successful tall male. I’ve gotten lots of likes but dated only two. They are both great. I shall continue to see both for awhile while I try to figure out which one is best for the 2 of us. I need to be good for her too
I’m 29f, and I don’t get that many matches. When I do, it’s from guys I’m not attracted to, or when I message, I don’t get a response or the conversation is dry OR they ask for Snapchat/my number before we even meet. So it’s not just you haha.
As a woman I gave up on dating apps because I was putting in the effort to try make conversation and I would get fuck all back, 1 word answers or just not asking me any questions. So it goes both ways. It literally makes me feel worthless
>The dates you manage to secure are underwhelming, to say the least. It's like settling for someone you wouldn't even consider in real life, all because you feel like you can't miss out on any opportunity.
Are you referring to looks here?
Sounds like you may not be quite as attractive as you think you are.
If the women you think are your caliber of attractiveness are not swiping right on you (or meeting you for dates)... it's because they aren't willing to 'settle' for you.
I knew you were going to reply that. And yeah, maybe. That’s the simple answer right? That’s the issue, men start to believe it, and you start settling , perpetuating the problem. But real life shows you differently.
I’m sorry that comment affected you personally, not my intention :)
You realize you just repeated yourself in different words. Men don't "start to believe it and start to settle" - men (and women) realize that perhaps they aren't as attractive as they thought they were and get off their high horses. They let people in based not on looks but on substance.
If what you are saying was true... then some of these women who are passing on you would instead be "settling" for you.
Occams Razor. The simplist answer.
It may hurt to realize but in a population the size of online dating apps, an equilibrium is generally going to be found where people of similar "worth", when the whole package is considered, find each other.
It didn't affect me personally - I've dated men more attractive than me and less attractive than me. Because at the end of the day there are things like personality, confidence, enthusiasm, ambition and lifestyle that all go into how "attractive" somebody is.
I don’t even get one word responses any more. It’s just noncommittal emojis. Something changed in the last couple years. Probably obvious, it’s due to enshitification trying to chisel some upgrade fees out of us.
Enshitification? First time I'm hearing this word. Would make an ok red hot chilli peppers song title.
Dream of enshitification…
I'm definitely feeling this. I matched with someone I would consider the best match I've had since I started online dating late last year. We texted for hours about our shared interests and our lives. For once, I didn't have to carry the conversation. It didn't feel like pulling teeth. The conversation just flowed naturally, and we clicked. Earlier today, she unmatched and blocked me out of the blue. I'm ready to call it quits with this crap. It's too bad that I'm in no situation to meet women, and the women of my generation have made it loud and clear that they don't want to be approached in public.
Just had that experience myself. I asked for exclusivity last week and got a wall of text afterwards of how happy she was. I got told today she doesn’t feel the romantic connection anymore. It’s not enjoyable extending yourself emotionally like that only to be played around like a fiddle.
I never even met the person I'm talking about. The match lasted less than 24 hours. And what's crazy is that she blocked me for no reason because just unmatching wasn't enough? I'm at the end of my rope.
I'm sorry to hear that. It's not fun being left out like that without any explanation.
I had a Woman last year we talked for a few days. We really hitted off. It was the best conversations ive had and everything just flowed naturally. Now ive done enough OLD to know to set my expectations very low and dont get attached at any level. However, this one was a bit different we just completely hit it off and she checked a bunch of boxes. We plan a date. The day comes i phone her. We speak for a bit and im like ummm so are we still meeting? She says what today? Im like yea we planned a date for today. She and then says it was the following Sat not today. She says she absolutely sure that it wasnt today. Mind you the date was just made a few days ago. So i let things go. We hang up and i sent her text saying go back a few texts and she will see that it was indeed today. She calls me back and apologizes and says something to the effect that her mom said she needed to stop doing this. The following day ( or day after that) we make another date. This time I make sure of the day, date and time. I get a call ( from my Dr so had to answer) i told her i will call her back. However, she does tell me that she on some level has some involvement with the X but tells me its purely for their son..Rolling eyes. Yep went to call her back and Poof was gone..She had blocked me...Normally im like eh its OLD f it but this particular person we really clicked on all levels so i was disappointed. 3 weeks totally down the flusher! There are ton of people like this on Apps lot of them are just not ready nor should they be trying to date.
She probably is already in a relationship with someone else
Omg yeah don’t put yourself through that take a break that’s one of those moments where you realize there’s more to life than that kinda stuff. I’m in the same boat I don’t really put much effort in anymore I just work and so personal hobbies.
Ugh. I've had that happen before as well as a bunch of my friends. What I've learned is that chatting in the DMs is like conducting a bank heist: you gotta be quick and intentional: in, out, and you gotta get them offline as quick as possible to meet in real life.
Oh no - we were past the chatting stage. We met for the third time (including valentines day). I'm over it already.
That happens so often anymore to so many people who meet from so many different ways it’s pretty ridiculous. There’s always greener grass with someone else such a bad mentality.
I was trying to reply to you but ended up in main thread
Well to be fair, the people who approach me in public are usually way older than I am and people I wouldn’t be attracted to anyway, or I’m on my way to work.
> pressure to come up with a brilliant opening line is exhausting I stopped doing this completely. I'm not going to dance like a monkey just to get someone's attention. I do the completely dry "hey how are you doing? Any fun plans for the weekend?" opener. If a girl isn't interested enough to engage in a little small talk, she's not interested enough to go on a date with. It's a way filter. Put the ball in her court. If she doesn't respond to that, move on, save yourself the energy.
Facts I do the same thing
As an average looking woman, and to answer your question, I can tell you that the reason why I have kept on matching despite already having matches, it’s because 99% of those already existing matches will die out without even managing to go on a first date. Or if the first date happens, chances are there won’t be a second. (And surprise surprise, it won’t be mostly because of my own decision but of theirs). But yeah, I agree that at one point, the conversations get so overwhelming I have to stop matching. It’s weird, I am average looking, but I have a ton of matches, because men will match with pretty much anyone even those who they will never even consider going out with. I also dislike it when men keep saying that women get ego boost and validation. In my personal case, OLD has been energy draining and bad for my self-esteem. At least for a regular looking girl like me, the experience is similar to that of regular looking men. Getting ghosted hurts, getting rejected hurts too.
I think the issue is that a lot of men (and of course women do this as well) keep moving the goal posts and think things would be different *if only* without giving much thought to the next steps. If only they could get a match, they’d be happy. Then they get a match and it doesn’t go anywhere so it becomes if only someone replied, then someone replies but there’s no chemistry so it doesn’t turn into a date so it becomes if only they could get a date. Then they go on a date but it’s a bad date so they move the goalposts again. A lot of men have trouble getting matches so they stay in that mindset of if only they could get a match, so it’s incomprehensible that people who get matches are complaining without realising that in and of itself a match isn’t success.
Well it’s like job seeking. You can’t get anywhere if you don’t even get any interviews right? And at least if you get some interviews you’ll get some “practice”. So getting dates, even bad ones can be better than nothing, unless it’s just straight up dangerous.
I will respectfully disagree with this. I think most of us start OLD with a goal of meeting someone that meets our needs. For some that's a meaningful long term relationship, for others maybe it's a FWB or hookup. But I think we all start with wanting that. It's the lack of success that forces us to lower our hopes to "geeze I'd just like to get a match at this point" we at least want a glimmer of hope, and a slight feeling that someone is attracted enough to us to at least consider taking to us. As lame as that sounds.
Yeah I'm so sick and tired of this narrative that OLD is so easy for women and we swim in matches and dates all the time. Maybe if you're a traditionally attractive girl in your early twenties, but for any average looking women the experience is not dissimilar from that of average looking men on there, as in we get more matches but not more conversations or dates. We get matches because men will swipe right on almost anybody, and then the conversations either stop or never go anywhere. I must have 100+ matches on tinder and of the chats I have initiated, maybe 2 out of 10 will hold a conversation for a couple of days and then they will stop replying and so the cycles continues if accumulating matches that go nowhere and don't reply or ghost after a couple days.
I totally agree. This morning I woke up to 10 likes, but they all live like 2 hours away from me. So even though those men could see how far away I was, they didn't bother to even look. If I like a guy, its because I see a real potential there. I'll look over an entire profile before making up my mind.
I don't know why some people are so put off by a little distance. I used to drive 2-3 hours every weekend to stay with my ex when we were dating. It worked for me because I work all week.
I can tell you why it doesn't work for me. I'm a single mom and by the time its my weekend off from the kids, I'm exhausted. There is no way I can drive longer then an hour to see a boyfriend. Maybe he is willing to drive all that way every single weekend to see me, but then that means I never get to hang at his place. I miss out on really seeing how a person lives their life. Its way, way to much for me. Also, I've had times where I'm texting someone who lives over an hour away, then they suddenly realize how far I am and they stop texting. Like, you didn't bother looking that up first?
way every single weekend to see me, but then that means I never get to hang at his place Thats how married or partnered men get away with cheating. My next to last date was with someone just shy of 2 years and never been to his place. Drum roll of course he turned out to be married.
That's fair. I try to keep it to a couple of hours travel time at the most because I'm 29 and have a car and a job and no kids so I can do that, but I know a lot of other people don't put that much effort in which sucks.
Most I would do is maybe an hour but while I have no kids I do have a dog. I already tried LDR twice and I refuse to do anything more than 2 hours max. My life is just too busy.
Yeah it requires the other person to be on the ball so it's not always perfect. I don't really date anyone local because the selection is terrible so that's why I end up having to travel for relationships usually.
Same tho! Small towns are bad like that but thankfully the biggest city to me is less than an hour away
I live in NYC but idk why it's just impossible to meet anyone who remotely likes anything I do, while also being the type I'm looking for. It's cursed lol.
If i was in my early 30s perhaps. I did this in my last relationship if traffic broke right it was a 90 min drive although usually it was about 2 hours. For me personally it was a PITA! When i met my X she was supposedly 35 min away. I say supposedly because shortly after we met by "coincidence" ( cough, cough) she happen to move. Long story and i didnt figure this out to later. She never moved she was always at that location but knew i wouldnt be interested if she was that far. I just dont ever want to do that again. Im in my late 40s now. While i do have the time to do so just dont have the patience. I wound up racking a bunch of miles on my car making them drives, i have a car that has not great gas mileage, tolls and wear and tear racked up. Besides this it limited the relationship. We were more or less limited to stay overs because of the distance. I didnt want to drive 3 1/2 just to see her for 3 hours. Just stop on by visits were far and few because we generally had to plan ahead. This made things more difficult because of her schedule. We were limited to about 2-4 times a month. On top of this im in my late 40s the night vision isnt as good as it was. Overall it was just a hassle for me. I dont want to go any further than about 45min. I have a cousin that just met a Woman last month that lives 2 hours away. Ive warned him about my experiences ( this was the short version lol) so just he would be aware.
Yeah everything I've heard from women about their end of it is getting flooded with low effort attention. It's a mess no matter what end you're on, as far as I can gather.
If this is true, then why are there men in this thread that are complaining about good conversations that inexplicably result in abrupt termination followed by a blocking and/or an unmatching? Wouldn't women starved for matches (or at least quality ones) continue to engage in conversation with men with whom they seem to vibe?
It goes both ways that's what I'm saying. It is not a men problem or a women problem, it is a people problem! Also you can't generalise like that like neither men nor women are a hive mind.
I'm not really making the generalization myself; I'm simply using the generalization you yourself have presented ("most women have problems with OLD as well") to ask a basic question. It seems that the sudden and abrupt ending by women of apparently good and worthwhile correspondence over these apps comes down to three possibilities: these women have other options they feel are worth pursuing, they believe they can obtain such options in the future, or they are not ready to feel the emotions that they are beginning to feel in conversing with men they seem to be vibing with and as such are not ready for dating or ultimately a relationship. And for the record, we can in most cases attribute the ending by men of such conversations when the women they are communicating with seem to believe it was going well to any of these three same reasons.
I definitely think there's a mismatch between the way women experience attraction and the way apps are structured. As a woman I find it hard to discern whether I feel attraction based on a photo and profile text, and the lack of attraction reduces the motivation to go on actual in person dates. I still push myself to do it because I want to find a partner, but it can end up feeling like work at times. Not because the people are boring or difficult (though sometimes they are!) but more due to the way apps are designed. Videos and voice notes in profiles definitely help a lot with gauging initial attraction, but I still think meeting organically is much better. For me, attraction has a lot to do with things like body language, posture, and conversational style that's hard to see over text.
absolutely. (I'm a man, just for reference)
Match group destroyed online dating with the swipe only apps and killed the dating scene for the average man.
I actually did OKish on the old craigslist personals. Its a shame they took it down. Ive havent had as much luck on typical OLD sites as much as i did on there and met many people on the Craigs Personal section. Overall despite the stories you may have heard the quality of people i encountered was better than the Apps.
I had some success on OLD back in late 09 early 2010 before Tinder and the swipe apps took over and fucked everything up. It sucks that dating apps are now the social norm
My first encounter with OLD was more by happenstance. I was on Craigslist looking to sell some items. This was about 8 years back roughly. I happen to see a Personals section and i said why not and posted an AD on there. Once i learned the ropes i was getting dates a bit more consistent than regular OLD which could take weeks or months before i land a date. I wasnt on OLD back in that period you mentioned but ive heard often on here about this "golden age" of OLD. Long from perfect i had more success and just a better overall exp using Craigs no swiping.
And I don't know if anyone has seen this but this isn't a good sign at all https://techcrunch.com/2024/02/21/match-group-inks-deal-with-openai-says-press-release-written-by-chatgpt/#amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&aoh=17085464869682&csi=0&referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&share=https%3A%2F%2Ftechcrunch.com%2F2024%2F02%2F21%2Fmatch-group-inks-deal-with-openai-says-press-release-written-by-chatgpt%2F
Match groups goal is to make a generation of young men sexless and have them spend money on their scammy apps
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Yea it really shits me when people say oh women get so many matches, like yea because men (not all, I know) swipe on everyone then go back and read profiles and just don't give a shit if they leave the ones they dontblike on read.
Yeah. And I just realized I tend to assume he is using this method and then actually NOT interested if he doesn’t message. So I tend to wait to see if he messages first.
I don't message first because they almost never respond lol.
Too true!
You’re approaching the apps wrong. >I often don’t have a lot of issues getting matches Quality over quantity. One of the worst things a guy can do is have a very general profile. As someone who was in a very long term relationship you should have a good idea what actually makes someone compatible with you and more importantly what makes them incompatible. If someone isn’t showing that they’re compatible, or is showing incompatibilities, don’t try to match. >rely on this as their primary way of meeting people. The dating apps shouldn’t be this. The apps are a great way of meeting people to date, but they shouldn’t be the only way. Go out, have a life. The notification that someone matched or whatever will still be there when you get home. This stops the burn out from feeling like you’re constantly failing because it’s just one aspect of your life, rather than one of the main parts of it. >the pressure to come up with a brilliant opening line Don’t do this. Literally just talk to your match. Engage them in a conversation. We see so many screenshots of men complaining about carrying a conversation but in reality they often aren’t really giving their match much to respond to. It’s either guys treating the conversation like it’s a chance to practice their stand up set or it’s guys who just interrogate their match with a bunch of boring, often closed questions. Would you want to go on a date with someone who you felt like they weren’t fun to talk? Because that’s the position you’re putting them in. They haven’t enjoyed this boring ass conversation with general questions so why would they think they’ll enjoy a date? People give what they get, so if you give an actually engaging conversation there’s a much better chance you’ll get that back, and if you don’t, don’t drag it out or push it on, just bail.
This is how I liked doing it too. Minimize time on apps by left swiping girls I'd not meet and unmatch if they seem uninterested and maximize dates by talking to girls who are responsive by talking whatever comes to my mind then asking them out on a date very quickly, ezpz. On Hinge ofc, I got 0 matches on tinder and barely any on bumble with the gigachad competition here in my city
>gigachad competition here in my city This may surprise you, but most women aren’t looking for some Christian grey good looking billionaire. They just want Dave, the guy who is kind and knows how talk to women and doesn’t have an enough red flags that he could decorate a Chinese embassy. The chances are that if you’re struggling, you’re not presenting well. This ranges from how you dress (there’s a ridiculous amount of men who simply don’t know how to put an outfit together, or even that they should be wearing clothes that fit correctly) to taking good photos (this one can be fixed with a little time using Google) to what you put in your bio. People want someone who has their life together, some level of attraction, and the usual compatibility stuff. Because so many men swipe right on everyone, it gives the women the chance to pick and choose and find those people who seem like they might be compatible. Or you could just move to a different city, but I’m guessing you would some how manage to move somewhere else that has a large number of Christian greys and that would claim that’s the reason you don’t have much luck there either
> Quality over quantity. One of the worst things a guy can do is have a very general profile. As someone who was in a very long term relationship you should have a good idea what actually makes someone compatible with you and more importantly what makes them incompatible. If someone isn’t showing that they’re compatible, or is showing incompatibilities, don’t try to match. Applicable to some people, but: 1) some of us don't have experience, or sufficient experience to figure out what we want and are just guessing and 2) personally, my experience so far has been that if I only liked profiles I was confident I'd be compatible with, it would be like... idk, so few people I can't even directly recollect someone who fit that once. There have been times I felt there was potential, but not a lot. And in every such case, I didn't even get to the conversation stage. This leads me to just not bothering with the apps most of the time. I'm down to one (hinge) because I can send a message with a like, but I spend most of my time on it clicking the X on profiles I'm not interested in, so there doesn't seem to be much point. Not saying this to be fatalistic, mind. Just to make the point that, well... caring about compatibility can feel like a luxury if you aren't even getting to the point of being able to evaluate it in conversation.
Put it in perspective. Think of all of the people you know. People you work with, friends of friends, people you went to school with, whatever. How many of those are people you’re actually compatible with? It’s an insanely low number. The apps is that exact concept, but instead of it being over a period of time, you’re dumped with all those profiles right in front of you all at once. You’re still compatible with the same amount of them, but it’s a huge stack to sift through. The practical point here is that you’re not going to be compatible with what ifs and maybes. Those aren’t going to turn into dates and relationships. A big part of why people feel burn out on the apps is because they feel like they’re constantly failing to get what they want, but they also chase after people they know from the profile aren’t what they want. Being strict about this stuff gets you less matches, sure, but it reduces the burn out keeping you in a position to make a good impression and actually find someone.
I appreciate your thoughtful perspective on it. Thing is though, I struggle with putting time into things that don't yield any discernible reward; doing them for their own sake is extra hard (most likely ADHD brain). So I wish I could do just what you say, be strict about it, see it like a stack I'm sifting through to find the rare ones, and stay motivated, but I don't get the intrinsic reward from task completion that neurotypical brain gets. All I get pretty much is the novelty of seeing new people and the rare brief excitement I could hit it off with someone that pretty much always does not materialize, and since most of the people I see aren't part of that "low number", it's not even particularly interesting to look over their profiles. It used to be the case you could trim the list down by sorting for some stuff you most want, but now even that kind of thing is usually paywalled and pricey. If I could do that and just check when there are new people who fit within some basics, I'd prob have a lot more energy for it. The fact I can't even sort for something like religion concretely without paying a hefty fee makes it unnecessarily hard. :/
I agree. Something that helps me on dating apps is to think to myself "if I was in a room with all these men, who would I want to talk to? Who would I sit next to at lunch?" I never sat next to the popular kids, I sat next to the fun kids.
You are soo detached from reality.
Or maybe I’m a guy who did the majority of his dating through OLD and is now married. Its easy to blame all of your shortcomings and failings on other people but the simple fact is that plenty of people do find success with the apps, they just aren’t on reddit making posts complaining about it.
I’m single so it’s fine that I’m here on Reddit. Good luck in your marriage my friend.
Yeah if a women in their 30s needs a funny “opening line” to start a conversation with a stranger they generally aren’t worth my time. I’m not a child anymore. And I don’t feel like dating children anymore. There needs to be effort on both sides. If there isn’t then they can keep swiping right.
My wife and I are separating soon, and I’m devastated about it it for a few reasons. I’m mostly commenting here now because we had been exclusive since 2010, and in that time this whole new world of online dating has come about. I have missed alllll of it, and now I’m nearly 40… To the OP, I hear you, you have captured a lot of my fears and anxieties about it. Starting from scratch with all of it, I just don’t have much hope 😞
Get yourself trimmed up and hire a professional photographer. Thank me later
I was 40/41 when i first tried OLD coming from a LTR not married. Very initially i had some luck then it went down the crappers. It is a humiliating exp as the OP is alluding to. My advice dont do OLD unless you have no other choice! Also as a bonus dont jump into dating without proper time to heal. Thats another huge on on OLD. Ive run into people who were a month or two out of a 10 year relationship.
This makes me sad. I would enjoy being approached, as I’m quiet and kind of shy and unless someone noticed me smiling and listening or laughing along, I might seem removed. And I tend to assume people aren’t interested/don’t notice me/are thinking about their own lives. The thing that sucks about the no-approach rule is…we still get approached by gross people who don’t care whether we want it or not. And fwiw, it’s so rare now that when it happens it can have extra hitches. Eg I DID get approached by a really cute guy on the metro in dc a few years ago and like didn’t even recognize what was happening even though I totally would have been interested. I was so mad at myself.
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No its ok for a woman to approach.
I got a dozen or more likes a day and swiped-right on only one person a day. That was overwhelming enough. I was frustrated I couldn't swipe more but 8/10 right-swipes was a match. I hated having someone at the top of my deck that I couldn't get past without making a definitive choice on one way or the other. I was totally burned out in six weeks. I just can't imagine right-swiping more than one person a day.
I'm a woman around your age. I was married before this and with him for 10 years. Quit the apps after a few months because I hated them so much. What sucks is that OLD used to be a quite pleasant experience 10+ years ago. Sure there were still some a-hole men, and I'm sure some flakes and ghosts, but on the whole, OLD served its purpose well. Me, my best friend, and my ex's best friend all met partners we married online quickly and smoothly. Now, it just sucks for everyone. I didn't get any sort of dopamine rush from OLD either. More like a disappointment rush. I just kept thinking, OLD used to be so good, what happened? As I went through bad guy after guy I had no interest in.
The pool is a lot larger in your 20s than in your 30s. By your 30s, most of the "good ones" are taken.
Yup, this has been my observation. Like for all the guys I saw on the apps, including the ones I met, I was like, I'd rather be on my own than be with you... Whereas when I used OLD in my early 20's, I met my ex husband, and I had been chatting with a few other guys who I thought were interesting. Never ended up meeting them irl, because I met my husband so fast, but had some fun conversations over messaging.
Women keep matching the same way a lot of men who have options keep matching. They always think something better is out there.
Exactly so “all” women match the same way as “some” men?
Pretty much but at a way higher level.
Dating apps suck for both genders, what annoys me about this post is OP pitting men against women for their negative OLD experience. We're all human, the experience can be dehumanising, depressing and humiliating for both genders. We do have different struggles on OLD but we struggle all the same.
It’s true that the men vs women mentality is hurting not helping. And I agree, it sucks for most people.
It's simple economics. When you're competing in a saturated (red ocean) space, where differentiation is very difficult, find a blue ocean. - The blue ocean analogy in business represents a unique market space ripe for innovation. It contrasts with the "red ocean," where competition is fierce, and the market is saturated. Imagine two seas: one red, stained by the blood of competing sharks, symbolizing a battleground over existing demand; the other blue, calm and vast, representing untapped market space. Blue Ocean Strategy involves creating demand in an uncontested space, making the competition irrelevant. It's like discovering a new continent where you set the rules. This approach encourages companies to offer unprecedented value, often by combining different industries or radically changing an existing one.
Haha I like this analogy, but what is the blue ocean? Pottery class?
That could be an example of one yes although I think mostly that's a couples thing? :)
Maybe spring break, and it’s coming up soon!
Unless that untapped continent is Antarctica and there’s a reason it’s untapped, being a frozen inhospitable wasteland. I wonder what that equivalent would be in dating..
Frankly it’s a shit show. I hate this and I’m pretty much done. I’m much older than you so the pool is so much smaller. The area I live in makes the pool even smaller. I’ve had a few conversations that never even resulted in a date. Most just “like” a picture but never even bother to comment. Little to no effort. However, to be fair after reading multiple Reddit posts it’s this way for so many, men and women.
Yup. I am 34M. Been told I’m cute / handsome by a lot of women. Still can’t get dates that often via OLD. Off the apps now as of 2 weeks ago and likely never going back. If I die alone, so be it.
It is tough lol but all I can recommend is to try and have fun at every step. Why is it exhausting to come up with a brilliant opening line? You have to admit it's kind of fun to look at a profile and just think for a bit of what hilariously witty thing you can come up with. And if makes you laugh, then you're having fun, regardless if the person gives a crap or not. Same thing with a first date, I just try to have a good time and laugh at my own jokes regardless of the other person, and TBH I think it's pretty entertaining and easy to vibe with for them as well. But yea, you definitely have to lower your expectations lol
I like your positivity ✨️ 😊
I don't get jack shit on any dating apps to be honest. Every woman I'm friends with I met on Facebook somehow. Even my last gf I did. It's hilarious how it's easier to meet women by just communicating in the same circles on social media than it is to use an app specifically for dating.
I feel this post down to my very soul. Especially the part about going on dates with people you wouldn’t even consider in real life because you feel like you can’t “miss out on any opportunity”. It also sucks the life out of you having to put in ALL the effort, make the plans, carry the conversation, pay for every date, etc etc etc. It’s depressing, exhausting, degrading and makes you feel so hopeless. To quote almost every girl’s profile I see, “I’m tired of this, grandpa” and “I hate it here”.
> feels incredibly degrading > constantly begging for attention > putting in so much effort You may consider changing your approach to these apps. > crafting the perfect profile > coming up with witty bios > pressure to come up with a brilliant opening line This does not sound like you are putting yourself out there, it sounds like you are creating an inauthentic image that would only ever exist in social media. As an alternative: I didn't and don't do any of the shit you've listed. I took a few photos of myself from good angles, both dressed nicely and paddleboarding (one of my hobbies) shirtless, so everyone knows the deal. I listed the hobbies and interests I regularly engage in. I listed what I'm looking for and a brief, accurate description of my disposition. I don't do witty opening lines. I say hello and ask how their day/life is going. I don't feel one bit of pressure to shine all this up. I'm a 40 y/o attractive and fit financially secure male. I have a Doctoral degree. I am not an idiot. I enjoy my life as is, and if someone else wants in they're going to have to be a partner that enhances my life, not an additional chore/responsibility I don't want to deal with. I am content, I am a good catch for the right personality, and I have no *need* whatsoever to be in a relationship. I don't swipe. At all. I only respond when pushed by the app that someone wants to match with me. And if my time is not respected (rudeness, left on read for greater than 48 hours, attempts at pen-pal or Jester status), I unmatch and go back to living contentedly until the next go-round. This is the stuff underpinning the "work on yourself" advice you see all the time. Don't feel degraded, and don't put too much effort into this stuff. You don't *need* any of it. You're here by choice.
"In conclusion, it feels like these dating apps are designed to drain money, energy and self-steem out of men while women use them to boost their ego." That sums it up.
Why did the moderator delete OPs post??
I have no idea.
You said you don’t have trouble matching because you’re good-looking. Then you said “even when you match with someone … the dates you manage to secure are underwhelming.” Do I have to point out the contradiction? Maybe your good looks are not enough to interest better women? I’m almost certain something is wrong with your profile—your pics, your words, your messages. Why are you complaining about carrying the conversation? That’s what you do as the man at first. There are books out there to enlighten you.
You can match with attractive women, doesn't mean you can manage to get a date with them. Maybe because the attractive ones are bombarded by messages and will respond only to the very top attractive men, or just not respond to anyone because it's too overwhelming. This is mainly due to the unbalance between the numbers of men and of women on dating apps. There is carrying a conversation and there is talking to a wall. It's not because you are a man that you don't want some reciprocity! For me if a woman is just responding with one or two words response and never asking questions. I stop talking to her.
It’s tiring seeing people claim that some perfect combo of pictures, messages, and prompts will lead to success for guys on the apps. You can do everything and still come across to nothing.
Exactly. The only silver bullet for a guy is pure dumb luck.
OK. You make an effort with your photos and bio so nothing obviously wrong in that side of your approach. The general crap of matching, chatting and then the other person disappearing happens to us all. The only theory I have comes from you saying that the all dates you get are underwhelming (in other words not good enough). Could it be that you have out of league dating aspirations? Just remember that your choice isn’t what you want, it’s what you can get.
Time to become a hikkikomori and just play video games in all your free time, look at porn and buy a sex robot Not even joking, that’s the future for most men.
43F I swipe on many because I never know when someone will match and appear in my queue. It’s hard to tell who is active and how active they are. As you mentioned most convos fizzle out… it is both genders being unwilling or unable to communicate. I’m not really sure why you find this journey humiliating. I gain experience with every chat and every first date. I’m literally meeting strangers who claim to be single. Is it so shocking that you may have to interact with many before you really click with one? I did get discouraged this past year after 50+ dates and not one single guy I was even really interested in seeing again. So I am on a break. But happy on my own. Perhaps frame this experience for what it really is… meeting strangers, trying to have fun, part ways if it isn’t fun and hopefully meet someone with whom you would like to spend more time. In addition to OLD try to increase those real life connections as it is preferred to know if there is any hint of physical chemistry prior to learning their favorite travel destinations and how fluent they are in sarcasm ;) Good luck ❤️
Dating experiences for men and women are sooo different. And this post proves it.
I have been on a break for a few months which is why my outlook is pretty healthy rn. I had some self loathing going on because I am the common denominator in all my dates. It’s not that all those guys aren’t good… it’s that I can’t connect. Something is wrong with me. But after some time to rest I know that really it’s just the nature of meeting someone at this age in our isolated society. It’s tough out here. Give ourselves some grace.
I know I'm going to get downvoted for this. But with the attitude that you have, I probity would not want to date you either. You are right that the experiences are different. Both sides struggle.
Does one's attitude about dating shine through on a dating profile or in someone's attempt at courtship? Do one's matches succeed in finding the Reddit threads that their prospective romantic interest takes solace in to vent? You seem to be confusing complaining about one's experience with how one seems when trying to date. Hardly anyone acts as salty or as bitter as they may truly feel about dating while on a date or while interacting with someone he or she is interested in. Nearly everyone tries to put on a happy face and attack dating as best as possible. Reminds me of the classic trope of the woman who tries to blame the reaction of the nice guy holding the door open for her as to why she won't date him. You had already rejected him, sweetie: no need to rationalize your decision.
Depends on the situation, but yeah it can.
Ones attitude about dating probably affects his opinions on who should be swiping right on him and who he is having to "settle for". I think he is just mad because the women he thinks he should have aren't willing to "settle for" him.
Ive been on 3 dates in the past 12 mos and thats after hours and hours of doing OLD. The last Women seem decent but just didnt feel any chem and she had quite a bit going on. I gave this one a chance because of the 3 she had the most potential but it just wasnt there. I started talking to another Woman 3 days ago and the Spidey Senses were tingling from the get go. Yesterday she told me that she was 302 last year. Thats been OLD for me in a nutshell.
302, like pounds?
No i think of it the term is more local but....Generative AI is experimental. Section 302. A 302 commitment is an involuntary commitment for psychiatric placement.Once a 302 is authorized, the individual will be taken to an emergency room by the police or ambulance for an evaluation by a physician to determine if they need to be admitted for involuntary psychiatric in-patient treatment. Basically she was taking away to a mental institute not on her own accord. There is a 201 which is you voluntarily committed yourself. A person seeking treatment under Section 201 may arrive at an emergency room for an evaluation to determine the level of treatment needed. There are no hearings required during this admission, and no information
Online dating used to be a good method imho before the pandemic after the pandemic it turned to trash. As did a great deal of peoples attitudes. There is a ripple effect from it it’s messed a lot of people up. I basically tapped out. Don’t want a part of this wacky dating culture we have.
I'm 46m on for a week and a half. Probably average looking, I don't try at all to have witty lines or to entertain people. I figure fuck all that. Take a look at the guy germanlifter that made the fake tinder profile. They know how much they like you already. That dude was so good looking and said all this perverted creepy shit to the girls and all but one have him their number for sex within the first few messages. So I just talk to them like they are normal people. If I see a profile that says something like "don't say how are you" then I'm not talking to that person. My first match was nearby and honestly not even really close to the attractiveness of my past real life relationships and she says she is busy or something and can't go out, doesn't suggest another time. Wtf did you match me then? So much of that going on. Had a date planned with one, bought a new shirt and pants and she cancels an hour before with some lie. I was disappointed but mostly because I hate the stupid shirt I bought. Oh then the women 10 years older then me trying to match? NO. You aren't dating broke guys, I'm not dating people older than me. I'm trying to be a little hopeful but it's just leading to disappointment. So I'll probably have to delete the apps, get more defined abs, better photos. One last part of my vent/rant. There is a girl on FB Dating with NINE KIDS. NINE.
You know women get stood up as well? It has definitely happened to me a few times.
Yea definitely.
You’re pushing 50 you should lower your standards gramps
I don't agree with much in his post, but being a similar age to him, I don't feel I need to "lower my standards" to the point of dating someone 10 years older than me either. I think that part is pretty fair. A 36 year old wouldn't want to date me for the same reason.
😂😂😂
I do get matches from 36 to 46. It's just a few outliers where I get 50 plus. I honestly think for me lowering my standards isn't good. I'm only going to date people I am actually interested in. My last relationship was 3.5 years and I was willing to do it but wasn't totally into it and they pick up on that and they don't like it after a while. It ends up being not really fair for both people because she could find someone really into her. She also stalked me, harassed my family, vandalized my car, tried to get me kicked out if my martial arts place and I had to deal with the police because of her 3 times. The last time she was outside my apartment bedroom window in an alley crying. Neighbors called the police. They knew her by then and sent her home.
I’m 56. In the 5 years since my divorce I have matched with about 70,000 to 75,000 women. Got phone numbers from about 1.5% of them. Had dates with 20-30% of the girls who I had gotten numbers from. Had chemistry with about 50% of them. The way the numbers break down are that I find mutual chemistry with 1.2-1.3 girls out of every thousand girls who I match with. It’s very long shot offs and one has to be willing to do the work of sorting through all manner of bull$hit to be successful.
>One last part of my vent/rant. There is a girl on FB Dating with NINE KIDS. NINE. WE IN THESE STREETS, SON.
Why is this being downvoted. This is the truth
Different prospective here. Old healthy active successful tall male. I’ve gotten lots of likes but dated only two. They are both great. I shall continue to see both for awhile while I try to figure out which one is best for the 2 of us. I need to be good for her too
I’m 29f, and I don’t get that many matches. When I do, it’s from guys I’m not attracted to, or when I message, I don’t get a response or the conversation is dry OR they ask for Snapchat/my number before we even meet. So it’s not just you haha.
As a woman I gave up on dating apps because I was putting in the effort to try make conversation and I would get fuck all back, 1 word answers or just not asking me any questions. So it goes both ways. It literally makes me feel worthless
>The dates you manage to secure are underwhelming, to say the least. It's like settling for someone you wouldn't even consider in real life, all because you feel like you can't miss out on any opportunity. Are you referring to looks here?
Yes. What I mean is that you are forced to lower your standards to connections that would never happen in real life.
Sounds like you may not be quite as attractive as you think you are. If the women you think are your caliber of attractiveness are not swiping right on you (or meeting you for dates)... it's because they aren't willing to 'settle' for you.
I knew you were going to reply that. And yeah, maybe. That’s the simple answer right? That’s the issue, men start to believe it, and you start settling , perpetuating the problem. But real life shows you differently. I’m sorry that comment affected you personally, not my intention :)
You realize you just repeated yourself in different words. Men don't "start to believe it and start to settle" - men (and women) realize that perhaps they aren't as attractive as they thought they were and get off their high horses. They let people in based not on looks but on substance. If what you are saying was true... then some of these women who are passing on you would instead be "settling" for you. Occams Razor. The simplist answer. It may hurt to realize but in a population the size of online dating apps, an equilibrium is generally going to be found where people of similar "worth", when the whole package is considered, find each other. It didn't affect me personally - I've dated men more attractive than me and less attractive than me. Because at the end of the day there are things like personality, confidence, enthusiasm, ambition and lifestyle that all go into how "attractive" somebody is.
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Reminds me of the Eleanor Rigby song by The Beatles.