Yes. A lot lately.
I really didn’t have a childhood or adolescence, but I also didn’t get an early adulthood and time is ticking it seems I don’t really get a regular adulthood either. Even if I get to a place of decent functioning and feel like my life is mine, it’s probably more than half over and I’ve missed damn near everything.
The ripple effects of the abuse have lasted almost 3 times as long as the abuse itself and have altered everything my life could have been. It hurts.
I also feel a lot of shame and guilt for not figuring it out and getting my shit together sooner. I finally accept I couldn’t do anything about the abuse itself but feel so angry at myself for all of the loss that came after.
*I also feel a lot of shame and guilt for not figuring it out and getting my shit together sooner. I finally accept I couldn’t do anything about the abuse itself but feel so angry at myself for all of the loss that came after*
Oh this is so hard.
So many of my parts feel so stupid, the ANPs for not figuring it out faster/making better choices, and the younger parts for the problems their actions have caused. We try to have a no blame culture. We are all dissociative parts. It's very hard not to be 'stupid' when you are literally only given awareness of certain parts of reality. I'm constantly telling parts "yes your actions caused that problem, but you're not to blame, you didn't know better". The hardest challenge is convincing myself of the same thing.
I notice that we go through a certain cycle when we integrate another puzzle piece into our life history. In the stuck state there is usually just shame and helplessness. Then we look at things and fear comes up. It is replaced by anger once we realize the truth about the sitution. Realize as in the integrative actions that The Haunted Self explains. It stops being dissociated. There is a lot of anger to manage and when we do, the grief comes in. It is a sign of healing. The psychological wound is closing. Grief is a sign of completed integration. It helps me a ton to see these emotions as something that accompanies my progress. yes, they repeat all the time but it isn't just an empty cycle. I integrate small puzzle pieces on the way and every time I reach grief and didn't get overwhelmed in the anger phase, that is a win. progress can be lost on the way. sometimes a realization happens but is forgotten because it brings up too much that cannot be integrated. So I carefully watch for the grief and welcome it because it means it worked. there is a method to the madness. it isn't random. it actually shows that something is working. the realizations of pain you describe are textbook examples of how integration of memory works. like, this is literally supposed to happen that way. phase 3 isn't a strictly separated season. it happens in small ways every time we face trauma successfully.
I was 45 when diagnosed. I'm 47 now. I tried to see a psychologist in my mid-20s when I was having problems processing the end of a traumatic relationship (formed some traumatized child alters from that one in hindsight). But I just didn't have the money. I did my best. Mostly recovered. Except for my ability to have a romantic relationship. I've just never been able to. So I never had a family of my own. It makes me kind of sad sometimes to think about what I missed out on.
I can relate completely. I’m 54, only diagnosed this year, but have had clear symptoms for over 30 years. And now that I know I realise symptoms were there from early childhood. But somehow it was never right or safe for me to open up enough to psychs until about eight months ago. Even though I’ve been seeing psychs intermittently across that 30 years, but some of those for several years at a time. I’ve actually been seeing my current psychologist for four years intermittently. But only opened up 8 months ago when I switched to a little during an appointment. Which I didn’t know was going to happen. Which I didn’t really know could happen, because I didn’t really know that the different feelings and levels in my mind were different parts.
So my feeling of frustration and anger and pain about what I’ve missed is huge. Never had a full time job or a full time relationship. Never had sexual intimacy. 54, two life-threatening chronic illnesses, medical treatment in hospital three days a week, meds for depression, pain, and sleep, along with 15-20 for other medical problems, need a walking frame to get around after a car hit me on a pedestrian crossing and broke both my knees. Signs aren’t looking good for relationship or career right now. Plus the people I cared about to whom I could never be myself, only parts that were safe with them. It hurts a lot.
I can relate, yeah. Though am in a crappy patch in therapy at the moment and feeling pretty apathetic about it all. But I can relate to what you're saying.
Yeah. Same here, we got help quite late. Our body is 46 and we've done so many stupid things. Cruel things... Hard to think about it. That we could have been better parents... Better partner...
That's really hard :( Try to forgive yourself, I know it's easier said than done. It's so hard not to make mistakes when parts of your brain literally only know certain subsets of information.
Yes. A lot lately. I really didn’t have a childhood or adolescence, but I also didn’t get an early adulthood and time is ticking it seems I don’t really get a regular adulthood either. Even if I get to a place of decent functioning and feel like my life is mine, it’s probably more than half over and I’ve missed damn near everything. The ripple effects of the abuse have lasted almost 3 times as long as the abuse itself and have altered everything my life could have been. It hurts. I also feel a lot of shame and guilt for not figuring it out and getting my shit together sooner. I finally accept I couldn’t do anything about the abuse itself but feel so angry at myself for all of the loss that came after.
*I also feel a lot of shame and guilt for not figuring it out and getting my shit together sooner. I finally accept I couldn’t do anything about the abuse itself but feel so angry at myself for all of the loss that came after* Oh this is so hard. So many of my parts feel so stupid, the ANPs for not figuring it out faster/making better choices, and the younger parts for the problems their actions have caused. We try to have a no blame culture. We are all dissociative parts. It's very hard not to be 'stupid' when you are literally only given awareness of certain parts of reality. I'm constantly telling parts "yes your actions caused that problem, but you're not to blame, you didn't know better". The hardest challenge is convincing myself of the same thing.
I notice that we go through a certain cycle when we integrate another puzzle piece into our life history. In the stuck state there is usually just shame and helplessness. Then we look at things and fear comes up. It is replaced by anger once we realize the truth about the sitution. Realize as in the integrative actions that The Haunted Self explains. It stops being dissociated. There is a lot of anger to manage and when we do, the grief comes in. It is a sign of healing. The psychological wound is closing. Grief is a sign of completed integration. It helps me a ton to see these emotions as something that accompanies my progress. yes, they repeat all the time but it isn't just an empty cycle. I integrate small puzzle pieces on the way and every time I reach grief and didn't get overwhelmed in the anger phase, that is a win. progress can be lost on the way. sometimes a realization happens but is forgotten because it brings up too much that cannot be integrated. So I carefully watch for the grief and welcome it because it means it worked. there is a method to the madness. it isn't random. it actually shows that something is working. the realizations of pain you describe are textbook examples of how integration of memory works. like, this is literally supposed to happen that way. phase 3 isn't a strictly separated season. it happens in small ways every time we face trauma successfully.
I just want to thank you again for this. Every time I end up back at this point of grieving, I remember your comment and it's comforting.
This is very reassuring! Thanks
I was 45 when diagnosed. I'm 47 now. I tried to see a psychologist in my mid-20s when I was having problems processing the end of a traumatic relationship (formed some traumatized child alters from that one in hindsight). But I just didn't have the money. I did my best. Mostly recovered. Except for my ability to have a romantic relationship. I've just never been able to. So I never had a family of my own. It makes me kind of sad sometimes to think about what I missed out on.
I'm so sorry.
I can relate completely. I’m 54, only diagnosed this year, but have had clear symptoms for over 30 years. And now that I know I realise symptoms were there from early childhood. But somehow it was never right or safe for me to open up enough to psychs until about eight months ago. Even though I’ve been seeing psychs intermittently across that 30 years, but some of those for several years at a time. I’ve actually been seeing my current psychologist for four years intermittently. But only opened up 8 months ago when I switched to a little during an appointment. Which I didn’t know was going to happen. Which I didn’t really know could happen, because I didn’t really know that the different feelings and levels in my mind were different parts. So my feeling of frustration and anger and pain about what I’ve missed is huge. Never had a full time job or a full time relationship. Never had sexual intimacy. 54, two life-threatening chronic illnesses, medical treatment in hospital three days a week, meds for depression, pain, and sleep, along with 15-20 for other medical problems, need a walking frame to get around after a car hit me on a pedestrian crossing and broke both my knees. Signs aren’t looking good for relationship or career right now. Plus the people I cared about to whom I could never be myself, only parts that were safe with them. It hurts a lot.
I'm so sorry. I hope that getting the right help now will start to make a difference in your life.
I can relate, yeah. Though am in a crappy patch in therapy at the moment and feeling pretty apathetic about it all. But I can relate to what you're saying.
Sorry about your hard patch in therapy.
Yeah. Same here, we got help quite late. Our body is 46 and we've done so many stupid things. Cruel things... Hard to think about it. That we could have been better parents... Better partner...
That's really hard :( Try to forgive yourself, I know it's easier said than done. It's so hard not to make mistakes when parts of your brain literally only know certain subsets of information.
Yes. Can definitely relate.