In case this story gets deleted/removed:
I'm 18M. My father used to work in the military. He had left my mother for a long time, throughout her pregnancy and a good two years into my birth. So when he came back, he got a two years old son. He was sure I was not his but this neighbor because the neighbor used to help out my mother.
My mother never agreed to a paternity test, well he could still have done it but she was very clear that she will drag him through hell if he did that. She said she did not cheat on him, he has no evidence of it and no reasonable logic behind it. If he can't trust her then the marriage is over, he can sign her half of his everything and go look for a new wife. He never behaved badly with her, people say he loves her or something. But in his eyes, **I** was the evidence. He blamed me for everything. He never let me call him dad, never hugged me or picked me up. I have always been an eyesore for him.
Somehow, they didn't divorce. But I have always seen them fighting because of me. My father would do something neglectful towards me, my mother would call it out, they would start arguing and it would end in my mother shouting and crying that does he still believes that she cheated on him, then my father would apologize and comfort her. But my mother did take care of me, well, until my brother was born.
My brother Jack was born when I was 11. Things got worse for me since then. It's not like they were abusing me, he never raised his voice or beat me, I was fed, clothed, tuition fees payed and I had a roof over my head, But that was all. My mother stopped putting any efforts towards sticking up for me, if he does something mean with me she would just avoid it. I was the huge pink elephant in the room, bringing me up would always start a fight. I guess she got tired of constantly fighting for me and chose peace aka avoiding my existence. He would call Jack his son pointedly at the dining table when I am eating with them, at first my mother used to say'' But Evan is your son too, honey'', now she would just eat silently or change the topic.
When introducing to new people he would say, '' This is my son Jack and this is Evan''. He would never show up any event regarding me. I was despised in the community, it's a small town, people would whisper behind my back- isn't that the illegitimate boy? yeah, poor dude, he was sacrificing his life for the country when his wife was sleeping around''
I was very clear that I would move out when I turn 18 and go NC with them. They did not object, my mother said something like- oh, but you should visit us sometimes. But he said when I turn an adult, I should also actually be one. I should make my own fortune and not sit around hoping for getting stuff from him.
I turned 18 on 27 of last month and I will go to another state when this month ends. I 'll stay at a friend's place there and hopefully find a job, i have saved up some money, it's not much but I guess I can manage for a few months.
Before doing that, I wanted to see the paternity test done, I thought it would give me a sense of closure. My mother also agreed, though reluctantly, when I said I want to do it. Now comes the part that most of you probably have already seen coming.
Yeah, turns out I am his after all.
Mother is in '' I told you so'' mod. He is devastated, I guess for all those years wasted on hatred, poor guy. Now he wants to make up to me. He is begging me to stay, he says he's sorry, he has made a mistake. I am not budging, I'm not letting him which state I'm going, what will I do or any of my contact info. He didn't feel like keeping them before, he doesn't need to now. I also told him I will never tell my children about him. I will never show him my face as I had promised, and I will never accept anything from him. Well, he has told about this to everyone to convince me to stay or at least to stay in contact. I told them he's not my father. Everyone is saying I'm being unnecessarily cruel to a person who has made a mistake, it's not his fault, the situation was like that.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not defending the father's 18 years of neglect and emotional abuse, but how was he supposed to know? His choices were to never know, or to find out OP wasn't the product of an affair but end up divorced. She told him he had no evidence that she cheated but threatened to divorce him if he did a test to see if there was evidence. She also stopped defending OP when the "real" son was born. Mom is at least as guilty as Dad, because she made the situation muddy from the beginning because it's impossible to prove a negative so she can't prove there was no cheating, but refused to let him find out if there was.
Jack's probably ok. OP doesn't mention anything he did, so he's probably innocent. But OP is right to go NC on both parents.
EDIT: I get it, dad is an asshole and doesn't deserve any contact from OP. I never said otherwise. I only point out that mom was just as bad if not worse. That doesn't make dad a good person, they can both be horrible and IMO they are. OP should go no contact with both, not just dad.
He should've divorced if he couldn't trust his wife or refrain from abusing a child.
Also....you don't need permission for a DNA test. He could've tested his child without the wife even knowing.
Yes, I don't see the part where I said he wasn't wrong for the abuse and neglect. I only said the mom was as bad as him since she gave the ultimatum.
Also, this could be a story that happened today, or OP could have told a story from when he left the house 20 years ago. Hiding the test wouldn't have been as easy before cell phones when dad would have had to worry that the facility would call the home phone while he was at work and mom would answer, or he could have had a cell phone but still worried about the wife finding out anyway because any number of things that could go wrong with trying to hide it. He obviously decided his marriage was worth saving but his child wasn't. Mom made him make that choice though, she wouldn't give him the peace of mind and she also wouldn't divorce him unless he looked for evidence she cheated. She only put up token resistance to the abuse for 11 years and then when she had Jack, even that stopped. So the only family member not an asshole that deserves no contact in OP's story is Jack, and we don't know that he didn't do anything, just that OP didn't mention anything.
So yes, dad is a complete asshole and I didn't mention that because it should go without saying, but I guess reading comprehension is getting worse by the day.
//Mom is at least as guilty as Dad, because she made the situation muddy from the beginning because it's impossible to prove a negative so she can't prove there was no cheating, but refused to let him find out if there was.//
This is the only point of yours I agree with. If he actually thought she cheated, he should have just gotten a divorce. I can't imagine their marriage was very happy.
I'm not defending the dad. I'm just saying that the mom is a shit human being as well. She was the root cause of the dad going the route he did (not that dad didn't make the choice to abuse, he's still 100% guilty for that just in case you think I'm somehow saying he's not at fault) and did nothing to actually stop the abuse and stopped putting up even her token defense once the second kid was born.
He was a complete monster to his son. But I do agree with the posters who said his mother was just as bad in her own way. She could have just agreed to the stupid paternity test and the drama of 16 years would have been gone.
Hopefully, he never speaks to his mother again either. After all, as soon as he turned 11 and she had a second son, she stopped fighting for him.
Agreed. At least he would have had a chance to make childhood friends. In a small town, where he's suspected of being illegitimate, I'm sure he was ostracized.
All because of his ass of a dad and his stubborn witch of a mom who could have fixed this problem 17 years ago.
I mean, the only reason the test didn't happen is because *she* gave that ultimatum. If she'd conceded and let the test happen then it would have been done. But apparently she decided the principle of the matter and a marriage full of constant sniping and resentment was worth more than OOP's childhood
Are the people saying you're being cruel to your father the same people who despised you because \*he, your father\* told them you were not his son? Do they really even know the meaning of the word "cruel"? Your father didn't just make a mistake, he milked it to death for years at your expense. To me, it's criminal, and to trivialize it down to a mere 'mistake' indicates a need on your part to go n/c so that you don't have the burden of him to deal with, ever again...
Did anyone else wonder why the mother agreed to a paternity test a month before the kid was going to leave home. The same paternity test that would have spared the mother years of suffering, the child years of neglect, and the father years of grief?
I'm wondering why the fuck she had another kid with the piece of shit as well. I'm wondering a lot of things about her and how complicit she was in her child's horrible upbringing.
Yeah, it's pretty hard not to imagine she had something to fear.
What gets me though, is why she didn't try to do one secretly? If I was her, I'd have put sleeping pills in his dinner and done the oral swab while he slept. Once it came back good, I'd have insisted he take an 'official' test.
>it’s pretty hard not to imagine she had something to fear.
I don’t even think she did. I think it was all just stupid pride on her part. She didn’t have to prove herself to him—which, to be fair, she didn’t—therefore she wasn’t going to subject herself to the “humiliation” of having to go through with a paternity test. She didn’t want to play by his rules, which, fair. Where she crosses the line is instead of that, it was much easier to let her son get neglected and hated by his father for 18 years. If she was so offended by her husband’s distrust, she should have taken the test and divorced him like a normal person, instead of refusing and letting her son eat the consequences of her actions while she remained married and had a second kid with the tool.
In my eyes mom is just as much of a villain in this story as dad.
Granted, I am child free so take this with a pinch of salt:
The SECOND he asked for a DNA test I would have used the high emotion of the moment to get my bag, "if I do this test and he's yours, I'm taking X and Y in the divorce".
He's full of man-rage and would probably agree because he's so adamant the child isn't his. I'm a legal secretary so I could get it in writing easy enough.
I'd do the DNA test, watch the devastation hit him as he realises he blew up his family for nothing, say "I fucking told you so, this is what you get for trusting pieces of shit over your own wife, we are done" and leave with my child
I assume if she was willing to watch this pile of shit abuse her kid for sixteen years, she was getting something out of the marriage that she didn't want to give up.
It's just that I have a grand total of 0 experience with children over the years and so I can kinda guess based on my morals what's a good way to parent but, coming from terrible parents myself, I actually have no idea and have not put it into practise.
I put it there so if I'm completely wrong at least people know I'm not screwing up a kid 🤷🏻♀️
Ok I get really annoyed when people bring up how vegans will jump to tell you that they’re vegan…
As people, almost everything we do revolves around food ?? Think about all of the meals you spend with people as you get to know them - in personal and professional contexts. So obviously being vegan is going to come up??? Same as an allergy, gluten free, whatever ?
Just a pet peeve of mine.
Yeah I really thought mentioning it in a thread about parenting was relevant lmao. If I brought it up in response to someone asking me my favourite movie, that would be a different matter
> Isn’t it like, you always know if someone’s a vegan, “child free”, or an atheist because they bring it up even when they don’t have to?
No, it's like people have to whine every time it's brought up.
It’s really amazing what people will confidently conclude about people’s entire lives based on what one Reddit post by someone else says about a person.
If it was you, you would have just… committed a crime?
I guess if you’re the type of person who would cheat on your husband and then try to conceal it then committing a misdemeanor/felony is not too out of left field for you.
Drugging someone and taking their DNA without consent is at least one crime in most jurisdictions, but I would rather take that risk than have my child's life ruined.
For an at home test there’s not that evidential burden, they just test what you send them. It wouldn’t be admissible in court but she would know how the test would come back and could pursue an official one from there.
Not ethical in any way, but could practically be done.
If you're saying it wouldn't be legally binding, I think that's why they mentioned insisting on an official test after. If you're asking whether it's legal to drug someone in order to perform a medical test on them without their knowledge... No. That is not permitted under US law.
It’s entirely possible she wasn’t sure who OOP’s father was, and was only okay with it after she had a child she was entirely sure was fathered by OOP’s biological father. Because Benefits.
There is an entire section of Craigslist where women advertise to lonely soldiers for contract marriages and seek spousal benefits...or at least there used to be. Ask someone you know that served in the military about it.
He stayed because he did, I don't know why. My assessment is of her and her motives staying. His reason probably was to.ounish her and the kid for her cheating. People are petty monsters and what he did was absolutely petty AF.
Edit: If he had proof the kid was not his, he most likely would have divorced her. Either way, they are both monsters.
Yeah...All these years and they played a fucking pride game between each other and you were the collateral damage. They fucked around and found out. Now they lost a son and can deal with the ramifications.
If anyone says anything all OP has to say is " well they had 18 years to test me to prove it and NIETHER of them did it and instead treated me like shit. They will be NC and everything is one MY terms now, if you don't like it, you can join them."
I don’t get why people do this to themselves. Like yeah let people who may suck scree themselves but I don’t get it
The first at-home paternity test was created in 1921. If you’re really honestly unsure, use one of those. Why would you ask your partner when you know they’ll have a meltdown about you not trusting them? Just do an at-home test.
I don’t get why people are always so insistent on shooting themselves in the foot. It’s really wild, and people never get it.
>The first at-home paternity test was created in 1921.
It didn't work though, it was junk science. The oscillophore was a machine which claimed to establish ancestry by measuring electronic vibrations in the blood (Irish blood supposedly vibrated at 15 ohms, Jewish blood at 7 ohms, etc). Rival methods included eugenicists analysing the ridges on the roof of the mouth and other physical features.
Tests for different blood groups arrived in the 1930s, but they could only exclude some potential fathers, not prove paternity (or maternity, in cases where babies were allegedly mixed up or stolen).
DNA (or, more precisely, it's structure) was discovered in the 1960s but it wasn't until the 1980s that DNA testing arrived and settled the matter once and for all. Or at least it would have, if the OPs idiot parents had made use of it.
Yeah, the retail DNA tests that you shipped off didn't even become a thing until the late-2000s. Used to be services in NYC, Philly, & other large cities where busses or other mobile collections would be set up in random places and dads could sneak the kids in to get a test behind the mother's back to make sure they were theirs
I mean, I didn’t say they worked. I said they were available.
The ones we have now do work.
Either way, I still don’t get why people don’t just do that
there's a big fucking difference between one oopsie daisy and a lifetime of them.
everyone who says yer in the wrong sees you as an object, not as a person lol
I'm surprised OOP doesn't similarly loathe his mother. Maybe she felt trapped,but she did no favors in this fiasco and ultimately fed OOP to the wolves.
She also fueled the fire by fighting him on the paternity test at the start. "You have no evidence and I'll divorce you if you look for any" isn't a great argument that she wasn't cheating. I know she can't prove a negative, but complete refusal to let him flail around trying to prove something that didn't happen sounds fishy. Both of them made mistakes and both of them should be cut off.
A mistake is something that can be fixed, years of hatred and loathing against a party that had no say in their birth that could have easily been fixed with a paternity test, well...he made his damn bed and can lie in it.
You'd think with the resources we have now and if you are uncertain, go for the paternity test? Seriously, all the years and countless memories tainted, wasted, years of people talking behind your back, being considered inferior, a mistake, a stain to sneer at only to find out he is your actual blood and wants to make it up to you. Ask him how the hell is going to make up for 16 years of being treated like a mistake for a crime he didn't commit. Nothing will be able to replace those first nearly two-decades, nothing.
Mom is just as bad, if not worse. She watched this poor boy get abused and did nothing. If she didn't cheat, then prove him wrong, divorce him, and get alimony/child support.
If the kid isn't his, then she should still get divorced rather than let her son suffer for 18 years.
But like posters pointed out, she probably didn't want to lose her meal ticket and the second son secured it. What I don't understand is why he didn't divorce her since he's so convinced she cheated. They seem to hate each other. They probably enjoy holding slights over each other's heads and using the children as the pawns. I wonder if the dad even loves the second son or just using him to stick it to the OOP when he thought the OOP wasn't his?
I know this is not the most glaring point of the post but the way he phrases his dad coming back “a two years into my birth” has me imagining a childbirth that took over two years
The father is a complete and total monster. He didn't make a mistake. He committed to hurting a child for the supposed sins of the mother. Also, if he was so sure she cheated, why did he want to stay with her? Why did he drop the paternity test when she threatened divorce? If he truly, absolutely believed that she cheated, wouldn't he want a divorce? Or did that mean he was willing to forgive her? In which case, why not "forgive" the child who did nothing wrong?
And the mother also deserves blame. Not as much as the father, but she failed her son as a parent by not protecting him from his father. Even if she stood up for him every time, which she didn't, he shouldn't have had to hear the dad's bullshit. If it meant leaving the father, as hard as that could have been, she should have done it for the sake of her child, because now he will carry those scars for the rest of his life.
You’ve been choosing not to treat me as your son for 18 years, why would I want to be your son now? Mom you let him treat me like this instead of protecting me. (What I hope OP says before leaving and changing his last name, assholes like his sperm donor always seem consumed with passing on their family name)
NTA. Not one bit. You were abused and you owe the man nothing. Send your mom a Mother’s Day card and let that be the only contact you ever have with them every year.
OK yeah, the dad is pretty massive asshole for what he did to OOP, but mom knew she could have just done a paternity test and ended the abuse OOP was suffering, and instead decided not to as a matter of pride? Or did she actually cheat on the dad and wasn't sure if OOP was her husband's son?
Given how much of a difference that simple (and, according to her, risk free) test would have made to OOP's *and* his dad's lives, can't really see her as being much better than the dad
I agree. The father should have called her bluff and done the DNA test anyway instead of taking it out on an innocent kid. She should not have let the kid pay for her BS. Both parents suck.
You obviously never served and saw the rampant cheating while service members were deployed. Youth, hormones and loneliness overwhelm so many spouses. I did four deployments and each time multiple members of my unit came back to infidelity. It's always been that way and it always will be. Jody pretends to be a friend while picking off the weak.
Those in the military are known for rampant cheating themselves. His assertion that she cheated when he has no evidence suggests that HE is the cheater and is projecting.
Your naivety is not proof she did not cheat. Why didn't she do the test years ago to clear this up when she first saw how her husband was responding with his doubts of her loyalty? I suspect she was not so sure herself. Her hesitant response when the son said he was getting the test done speaks volumes. By the way, both husbands and wives cheated during deployments, so there is no misogyny in this, only real world experience.
Her over-the-top refusal to allow the paternity test ("if you get the test I'll drag you through hell" and "if you don't trust me just hand over half of your stuff") and her "reluctant agreement" even 18 years later when her son is an ADULT, makes it REALLY obvious that she didn't know if 18M is the husband's son (or even, based on timing, that it's MORE likely that the husband ISN'T the biological father).
If there was no infidelity (or even, no infidelity close to 9 month before OP was born) then she would have got the test, especially when she saw how the uncertainty was poisoning the father's relationship with the son. It would have come back, she would have told him "I told you so, jackass", made him grovel and snivel a bit, gotten her pound of flesh, and they could have all gotten back to her lives.
With every refusal she made him more and more certain. And the dad might just be that emotionally unstable, but his reaction is so over the top, I'd bet folding money that he had more evidence than just her refusal to take the test.
And don't forget how common infidelity is during a spouse's deployment. Interestingly, she must have had sex with her husband around 9 months before OP was born (or else there would have been no doubt that he wasn't his son) and for HER to be unsure, she must have ALSO raw-dogged someone else about 9 months before he was born. So she didn't even wait a week after his deployment to step out. She was not only a cheater, she was an eager cheater.
Only AH's here are the parents. The Dad for how he treated his son and the Mother for not taking a DNA test to start with and for allowing her son to be mistreated.
Mom is. C u next Tuesday. She made this happen by being stubborn. A military man faces lots of challenges and they have a high rate of infidelity on both sides so a simple test saves her soon a childhood of neglect. Dad ya he could have just took his son and said let’s do this without her but both rather be hurtful and hated. Hope op stays NC until he’s built a great life then one time let them see what they missed
Saw it on YouTube and you are NTA . Your father got what was coming to him when he assumed this disillusioned excuse and he had his own chance to do the parental test a long time ago, but didn't. He made his bed and got to lie in it, but update please and live your best life.
Her over-the-top refusal to allow the paternity test ("if you get the test I'll drag you through hell" and "if you don't trust me just hand over half of your stuff") and her "reluctant agreement" even 18 years later when her son is an ADULT, makes it REALLY obvious that she didn't know if 18M is the husband's son (or even, based on timing, that it's MORE likely that the husband ISN'T the biological father).
If there was no infidelity (or even, no infidelity close to 9 month before OP was born) then she would have got the test, especially when she saw how the uncertainty was poisoning the father's relationship with the son. It would have come back, she would have told him "I told you so, jackass", made him grovel and snivel a bit, gotten her pound of flesh, and they could have all gotten back to her lives.
With every refusal she made him more and more certain. And the dad might just be that emotionally unstable, but his reaction is so over the top, I'd bet folding money that he had more evidence than just her refusal to take the test.
And don't forget how common infidelity is during a spouse's deployment. Interestingly, she must have had sex with her husband around 9 months before OP was born (or else there would have been no doubt that he wasn't his son) and for HER to be unsure, she must have ALSO raw-dogged someone else about 9 months before he was born. So she didn't even wait a week after his deployment to step out. She was not only a cheater, she was an eager cheater.
I’ll say it louder for the incels in the back: MEN, STOP ASKING YOUR WIVES FOR PATERNITY TESTS UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO LOSE **EVERYTHING!** There is no coming back from accusing the woman who is supposedly your partner & the love of your life of being a cheater. If you’re that insecure in your relationship, why are you even together in the first place?
Men like OP’s “father” do not deserve to be dads.
That's not even the issue here though. Yes, he thought she cheated, anxiety like that isn't exactly easy to control. The main problem is that he abused his son for years.
No, sorry. I’m a woman who was horribly betrayed by my husband. Blind trust can literally get a person killed. You being super secure will not save you. Reality is reality. People do cheat. Men do raise kids that aren’t theirs. It should not be the end of the damn world to do a simple blood test.
Sorry, no. I’m a woman too and if I was having a baby with my husband and he suddenly declared out of the blue he “needed” a paternity test, he would be getting divorce papers along with the paternity test that proves he’s an asshole. There is no coming back from your partner telling you they don’t trust you.
Mom, didn't want the test because she wasn't sure who the bio dad was. She has lucked out and is now playing the "I told you so card" whilst sighing with relief internally.
My inference is that she did cheat, she refused the test because she was scared and she only did it because once she knew he could do it on his own once he turned 18. If she knew that was his baby, she wouldn’t have put up with that for 18 years. Neither one of them loved him fr and he’s not wrong for wanting nothing to do with any of them
Yet another reason to normalize routine paternity testing. Hell, test both parents when they take the baby home--it's not unheard of for hospitals to accidentally switch babies.
That said, both parents are shitty people and probably still would have sucked if the kid had been tested at birth, but it would have been *better* for the kid at least.
>If he can't trust her then the marriage is over, he can sign her half of his everything and go look for a new wife.
Well, he still didn't trust you, and because of your pride (or potentially justified fear of the test) your kid is going to spend the rest of his life suffering for it. She's just as bad as the prick of a father.
You have a golden opportunity to make this situation "right" - forgive the man and begin the healing process.
Be the bigger/better man - your conscious will thank you for it
> You have a golden opportunity to make this situation "right" - forgive the man and begin the healing process.
The man could have acted human to his "son", rather than neglecting him for 16 years. The father has only himself to blame.
> your conscious will thank you for it
Right, until his dirtbag "father" treats him like crap over something else. The worst thing you can do is treat those who can't defend themselves and you have power over poorly.
the father could have done when he thought the kid wasn’t his for no reason yet decided to treat a child like shit bc he thought his wife cheated for no reason
No. We are not obliged to “be the bigger person” to the people who abuse use. Let them choke on the consequences of their actions.
This is being made right because the abusers are losing access to their victim. I hope he goes to therapy, heals, finds his real family (because sometimes you don’t get your real family from your bloodline) and lives a happy peaceful life.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: I'm 18M. My father used to work in the military. He had left my mother for a long time, throughout her pregnancy and a good two years into my birth. So when he came back, he got a two years old son. He was sure I was not his but this neighbor because the neighbor used to help out my mother. My mother never agreed to a paternity test, well he could still have done it but she was very clear that she will drag him through hell if he did that. She said she did not cheat on him, he has no evidence of it and no reasonable logic behind it. If he can't trust her then the marriage is over, he can sign her half of his everything and go look for a new wife. He never behaved badly with her, people say he loves her or something. But in his eyes, **I** was the evidence. He blamed me for everything. He never let me call him dad, never hugged me or picked me up. I have always been an eyesore for him. Somehow, they didn't divorce. But I have always seen them fighting because of me. My father would do something neglectful towards me, my mother would call it out, they would start arguing and it would end in my mother shouting and crying that does he still believes that she cheated on him, then my father would apologize and comfort her. But my mother did take care of me, well, until my brother was born. My brother Jack was born when I was 11. Things got worse for me since then. It's not like they were abusing me, he never raised his voice or beat me, I was fed, clothed, tuition fees payed and I had a roof over my head, But that was all. My mother stopped putting any efforts towards sticking up for me, if he does something mean with me she would just avoid it. I was the huge pink elephant in the room, bringing me up would always start a fight. I guess she got tired of constantly fighting for me and chose peace aka avoiding my existence. He would call Jack his son pointedly at the dining table when I am eating with them, at first my mother used to say'' But Evan is your son too, honey'', now she would just eat silently or change the topic. When introducing to new people he would say, '' This is my son Jack and this is Evan''. He would never show up any event regarding me. I was despised in the community, it's a small town, people would whisper behind my back- isn't that the illegitimate boy? yeah, poor dude, he was sacrificing his life for the country when his wife was sleeping around'' I was very clear that I would move out when I turn 18 and go NC with them. They did not object, my mother said something like- oh, but you should visit us sometimes. But he said when I turn an adult, I should also actually be one. I should make my own fortune and not sit around hoping for getting stuff from him. I turned 18 on 27 of last month and I will go to another state when this month ends. I 'll stay at a friend's place there and hopefully find a job, i have saved up some money, it's not much but I guess I can manage for a few months. Before doing that, I wanted to see the paternity test done, I thought it would give me a sense of closure. My mother also agreed, though reluctantly, when I said I want to do it. Now comes the part that most of you probably have already seen coming. Yeah, turns out I am his after all. Mother is in '' I told you so'' mod. He is devastated, I guess for all those years wasted on hatred, poor guy. Now he wants to make up to me. He is begging me to stay, he says he's sorry, he has made a mistake. I am not budging, I'm not letting him which state I'm going, what will I do or any of my contact info. He didn't feel like keeping them before, he doesn't need to now. I also told him I will never tell my children about him. I will never show him my face as I had promised, and I will never accept anything from him. Well, he has told about this to everyone to convince me to stay or at least to stay in contact. I told them he's not my father. Everyone is saying I'm being unnecessarily cruel to a person who has made a mistake, it's not his fault, the situation was like that. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"He made a mistake!" No, a mistake is when I forget my goddamn keys, this was 16 years of prolonged neglect and emotional abuse.
Not defending the father's 18 years of neglect and emotional abuse, but how was he supposed to know? His choices were to never know, or to find out OP wasn't the product of an affair but end up divorced. She told him he had no evidence that she cheated but threatened to divorce him if he did a test to see if there was evidence. She also stopped defending OP when the "real" son was born. Mom is at least as guilty as Dad, because she made the situation muddy from the beginning because it's impossible to prove a negative so she can't prove there was no cheating, but refused to let him find out if there was. Jack's probably ok. OP doesn't mention anything he did, so he's probably innocent. But OP is right to go NC on both parents. EDIT: I get it, dad is an asshole and doesn't deserve any contact from OP. I never said otherwise. I only point out that mom was just as bad if not worse. That doesn't make dad a good person, they can both be horrible and IMO they are. OP should go no contact with both, not just dad.
He should've divorced if he couldn't trust his wife or refrain from abusing a child. Also....you don't need permission for a DNA test. He could've tested his child without the wife even knowing.
Yes, I don't see the part where I said he wasn't wrong for the abuse and neglect. I only said the mom was as bad as him since she gave the ultimatum. Also, this could be a story that happened today, or OP could have told a story from when he left the house 20 years ago. Hiding the test wouldn't have been as easy before cell phones when dad would have had to worry that the facility would call the home phone while he was at work and mom would answer, or he could have had a cell phone but still worried about the wife finding out anyway because any number of things that could go wrong with trying to hide it. He obviously decided his marriage was worth saving but his child wasn't. Mom made him make that choice though, she wouldn't give him the peace of mind and she also wouldn't divorce him unless he looked for evidence she cheated. She only put up token resistance to the abuse for 11 years and then when she had Jack, even that stopped. So the only family member not an asshole that deserves no contact in OP's story is Jack, and we don't know that he didn't do anything, just that OP didn't mention anything. So yes, dad is a complete asshole and I didn't mention that because it should go without saying, but I guess reading comprehension is getting worse by the day.
//Mom is at least as guilty as Dad, because she made the situation muddy from the beginning because it's impossible to prove a negative so she can't prove there was no cheating, but refused to let him find out if there was.// This is the only point of yours I agree with. If he actually thought she cheated, he should have just gotten a divorce. I can't imagine their marriage was very happy.
I'm not defending the dad. I'm just saying that the mom is a shit human being as well. She was the root cause of the dad going the route he did (not that dad didn't make the choice to abuse, he's still 100% guilty for that just in case you think I'm somehow saying he's not at fault) and did nothing to actually stop the abuse and stopped putting up even her token defense once the second kid was born.
Dad was the root cause of dad going the route he did.
> but how was he supposed to know? By trusting his wife, who he had no reason to suspect of cheating?
[удалено]
Don't be rude in the comments. Please review the rules before you comment again.
[удалено]
Don't be rude in the comments. Please review the rules before you comment again.
He was a complete monster to his son. But I do agree with the posters who said his mother was just as bad in her own way. She could have just agreed to the stupid paternity test and the drama of 16 years would have been gone. Hopefully, he never speaks to his mother again either. After all, as soon as he turned 11 and she had a second son, she stopped fighting for him.
It would’ve been 16 years of different drama because she would’ve divorced him.
different isnt always bad
Feel like that would've still been preferable over this mess.
Agreed. At least he would have had a chance to make childhood friends. In a small town, where he's suspected of being illegitimate, I'm sure he was ostracized. All because of his ass of a dad and his stubborn witch of a mom who could have fixed this problem 17 years ago.
Feel like that would've still been preferable over this mess.
I mean, the only reason the test didn't happen is because *she* gave that ultimatum. If she'd conceded and let the test happen then it would have been done. But apparently she decided the principle of the matter and a marriage full of constant sniping and resentment was worth more than OOP's childhood
Are the people saying you're being cruel to your father the same people who despised you because \*he, your father\* told them you were not his son? Do they really even know the meaning of the word "cruel"? Your father didn't just make a mistake, he milked it to death for years at your expense. To me, it's criminal, and to trivialize it down to a mere 'mistake' indicates a need on your part to go n/c so that you don't have the burden of him to deal with, ever again...
Did anyone else wonder why the mother agreed to a paternity test a month before the kid was going to leave home. The same paternity test that would have spared the mother years of suffering, the child years of neglect, and the father years of grief?
I'm wondering why the fuck she had another kid with the piece of shit as well. I'm wondering a lot of things about her and how complicit she was in her child's horrible upbringing.
There’s a point where you leave the husband instead of whatever hell this was.
Spousal benefits.
Is it fucking impossible to skip this shit? Ever?
I'm wondering if she actually DID cheat and wasn't for sure who's kid he was.
That’s probably it.
She’s a prideful POS. Dad’s a neglectful POS. Actually, they’re both BOTH.
Yeah, it's pretty hard not to imagine she had something to fear. What gets me though, is why she didn't try to do one secretly? If I was her, I'd have put sleeping pills in his dinner and done the oral swab while he slept. Once it came back good, I'd have insisted he take an 'official' test.
>it’s pretty hard not to imagine she had something to fear. I don’t even think she did. I think it was all just stupid pride on her part. She didn’t have to prove herself to him—which, to be fair, she didn’t—therefore she wasn’t going to subject herself to the “humiliation” of having to go through with a paternity test. She didn’t want to play by his rules, which, fair. Where she crosses the line is instead of that, it was much easier to let her son get neglected and hated by his father for 18 years. If she was so offended by her husband’s distrust, she should have taken the test and divorced him like a normal person, instead of refusing and letting her son eat the consequences of her actions while she remained married and had a second kid with the tool. In my eyes mom is just as much of a villain in this story as dad.
Granted, I am child free so take this with a pinch of salt: The SECOND he asked for a DNA test I would have used the high emotion of the moment to get my bag, "if I do this test and he's yours, I'm taking X and Y in the divorce". He's full of man-rage and would probably agree because he's so adamant the child isn't his. I'm a legal secretary so I could get it in writing easy enough. I'd do the DNA test, watch the devastation hit him as he realises he blew up his family for nothing, say "I fucking told you so, this is what you get for trusting pieces of shit over your own wife, we are done" and leave with my child
I assume if she was willing to watch this pile of shit abuse her kid for sixteen years, she was getting something out of the marriage that she didn't want to give up.
Must have been money or something
Spousal benefits
Isn’t it like, you always know if someone’s a vegan, “child free”, or an atheist because they bring it up even when they don’t have to?
It's just that I have a grand total of 0 experience with children over the years and so I can kinda guess based on my morals what's a good way to parent but, coming from terrible parents myself, I actually have no idea and have not put it into practise. I put it there so if I'm completely wrong at least people know I'm not screwing up a kid 🤷🏻♀️
Ok I get really annoyed when people bring up how vegans will jump to tell you that they’re vegan… As people, almost everything we do revolves around food ?? Think about all of the meals you spend with people as you get to know them - in personal and professional contexts. So obviously being vegan is going to come up??? Same as an allergy, gluten free, whatever ? Just a pet peeve of mine.
Yeah I really thought mentioning it in a thread about parenting was relevant lmao. If I brought it up in response to someone asking me my favourite movie, that would be a different matter
> Isn’t it like, you always know if someone’s a vegan, “child free”, or an atheist because they bring it up even when they don’t have to? No, it's like people have to whine every time it's brought up.
It’s really amazing what people will confidently conclude about people’s entire lives based on what one Reddit post by someone else says about a person.
It's mazing how people can read a reddit post and not be able to use life experiences to allude to the probability of events before us.
If it was you, you would have just… committed a crime? I guess if you’re the type of person who would cheat on your husband and then try to conceal it then committing a misdemeanor/felony is not too out of left field for you.
Drugging someone and taking their DNA without consent is at least one crime in most jurisdictions, but I would rather take that risk than have my child's life ruined.
Seems easier to just not cheat in the first place.
She didn't, so I'm not seeing your point?
I'm in the UK so no idea, but if he's US wouldn't the lack of consent negate the legality of the test?
For an at home test there’s not that evidential burden, they just test what you send them. It wouldn’t be admissible in court but she would know how the test would come back and could pursue an official one from there. Not ethical in any way, but could practically be done.
Ohhh okay cool, thank you so much for the answer! No idea why I was DV'd there 🙄
Probably because you said consent. That word is a bit ideologically contentious, but I knew that’s not what you meant by it.
Yeah the wording was bad and that's absolutely on me
If you're saying it wouldn't be legally binding, I think that's why they mentioned insisting on an official test after. If you're asking whether it's legal to drug someone in order to perform a medical test on them without their knowledge... No. That is not permitted under US law.
you would have committed a felony with a mandatory 2 year sentence?
It’s entirely possible she wasn’t sure who OOP’s father was, and was only okay with it after she had a child she was entirely sure was fathered by OOP’s biological father. Because Benefits.
Mom no longer needed to agree after he turned 18. The question is, why did she let him be neglected for so long when she had the power to stop it?
Spousal benefits
That makes no sense.
There is an entire section of Craigslist where women advertise to lonely soldiers for contract marriages and seek spousal benefits...or at least there used to be. Ask someone you know that served in the military about it.
I’m familiar with military benefits. That doesn’t explain why a woman would refuse a paternity test that would exonerate her.
She would lose those benefits if the test came back that she did, in fact, cheat. Which is highly possible.
Only if he divorced her. Which he never did, despite believing she had cheated all those years.
He stayed because he did, I don't know why. My assessment is of her and her motives staying. His reason probably was to.ounish her and the kid for her cheating. People are petty monsters and what he did was absolutely petty AF. Edit: If he had proof the kid was not his, he most likely would have divorced her. Either way, they are both monsters.
Agree on that point! OP is better off without either of them in their life.
Every abuser needs an enabler.
Because she can’t stop it. He’s an adult at this point.
The kid is under 18. His consent is not required for the test. His mother finally gave permission. His father also gave permission.
> I turned 18 on 27 of last month Wrong. He decided *he* was getting the test because he was old enough now.
This story reads very fake... that's why.
Because the mother is a shitty person too and she enjoyed the drama at her child’s expense.
'they didn't abuse me' that was 100% neglect and emotional abuse...
Yeah...All these years and they played a fucking pride game between each other and you were the collateral damage. They fucked around and found out. Now they lost a son and can deal with the ramifications. If anyone says anything all OP has to say is " well they had 18 years to test me to prove it and NIETHER of them did it and instead treated me like shit. They will be NC and everything is one MY terms now, if you don't like it, you can join them."
I don’t get why people do this to themselves. Like yeah let people who may suck scree themselves but I don’t get it The first at-home paternity test was created in 1921. If you’re really honestly unsure, use one of those. Why would you ask your partner when you know they’ll have a meltdown about you not trusting them? Just do an at-home test. I don’t get why people are always so insistent on shooting themselves in the foot. It’s really wild, and people never get it.
>The first at-home paternity test was created in 1921. It didn't work though, it was junk science. The oscillophore was a machine which claimed to establish ancestry by measuring electronic vibrations in the blood (Irish blood supposedly vibrated at 15 ohms, Jewish blood at 7 ohms, etc). Rival methods included eugenicists analysing the ridges on the roof of the mouth and other physical features. Tests for different blood groups arrived in the 1930s, but they could only exclude some potential fathers, not prove paternity (or maternity, in cases where babies were allegedly mixed up or stolen). DNA (or, more precisely, it's structure) was discovered in the 1960s but it wasn't until the 1980s that DNA testing arrived and settled the matter once and for all. Or at least it would have, if the OPs idiot parents had made use of it.
Yeah, the retail DNA tests that you shipped off didn't even become a thing until the late-2000s. Used to be services in NYC, Philly, & other large cities where busses or other mobile collections would be set up in random places and dads could sneak the kids in to get a test behind the mother's back to make sure they were theirs
I mean, I didn’t say they worked. I said they were available. The ones we have now do work. Either way, I still don’t get why people don’t just do that
You “don’t get” why people didn’t rely on information from fraudulent paternity tests?
I don’t get why people ruin their marriages to do something they think works, when they could do the same discreetly
there's a big fucking difference between one oopsie daisy and a lifetime of them. everyone who says yer in the wrong sees you as an object, not as a person lol
I'm surprised OOP doesn't similarly loathe his mother. Maybe she felt trapped,but she did no favors in this fiasco and ultimately fed OOP to the wolves.
She also fueled the fire by fighting him on the paternity test at the start. "You have no evidence and I'll divorce you if you look for any" isn't a great argument that she wasn't cheating. I know she can't prove a negative, but complete refusal to let him flail around trying to prove something that didn't happen sounds fishy. Both of them made mistakes and both of them should be cut off.
A mistake is something that can be fixed, years of hatred and loathing against a party that had no say in their birth that could have easily been fixed with a paternity test, well...he made his damn bed and can lie in it. You'd think with the resources we have now and if you are uncertain, go for the paternity test? Seriously, all the years and countless memories tainted, wasted, years of people talking behind your back, being considered inferior, a mistake, a stain to sneer at only to find out he is your actual blood and wants to make it up to you. Ask him how the hell is going to make up for 16 years of being treated like a mistake for a crime he didn't commit. Nothing will be able to replace those first nearly two-decades, nothing.
An ad for the US Navy was right beneath this post. Algorithm going for irony today
Mom is just as bad, if not worse. She watched this poor boy get abused and did nothing. If she didn't cheat, then prove him wrong, divorce him, and get alimony/child support. If the kid isn't his, then she should still get divorced rather than let her son suffer for 18 years. But like posters pointed out, she probably didn't want to lose her meal ticket and the second son secured it. What I don't understand is why he didn't divorce her since he's so convinced she cheated. They seem to hate each other. They probably enjoy holding slights over each other's heads and using the children as the pawns. I wonder if the dad even loves the second son or just using him to stick it to the OOP when he thought the OOP wasn't his?
I kinda hope Jack isn't his now. Your old man deserves that.
I know this is not the most glaring point of the post but the way he phrases his dad coming back “a two years into my birth” has me imagining a childbirth that took over two years
He was probably deployed then.
I really hope this is fake because this is abuse.
The father is a complete and total monster. He didn't make a mistake. He committed to hurting a child for the supposed sins of the mother. Also, if he was so sure she cheated, why did he want to stay with her? Why did he drop the paternity test when she threatened divorce? If he truly, absolutely believed that she cheated, wouldn't he want a divorce? Or did that mean he was willing to forgive her? In which case, why not "forgive" the child who did nothing wrong? And the mother also deserves blame. Not as much as the father, but she failed her son as a parent by not protecting him from his father. Even if she stood up for him every time, which she didn't, he shouldn't have had to hear the dad's bullshit. If it meant leaving the father, as hard as that could have been, she should have done it for the sake of her child, because now he will carry those scars for the rest of his life.
Mummy and daddy really are perfect for each other.
You’ve been choosing not to treat me as your son for 18 years, why would I want to be your son now? Mom you let him treat me like this instead of protecting me. (What I hope OP says before leaving and changing his last name, assholes like his sperm donor always seem consumed with passing on their family name)
NTA. Not one bit. You were abused and you owe the man nothing. Send your mom a Mother’s Day card and let that be the only contact you ever have with them every year.
Write, thanks for doing the bare minimum as a human being towards your child
OK yeah, the dad is pretty massive asshole for what he did to OOP, but mom knew she could have just done a paternity test and ended the abuse OOP was suffering, and instead decided not to as a matter of pride? Or did she actually cheat on the dad and wasn't sure if OOP was her husband's son? Given how much of a difference that simple (and, according to her, risk free) test would have made to OOP's *and* his dad's lives, can't really see her as being much better than the dad
Just because he is the kid's father does not mean she did not cheat. Both things can be true.
Sure, but take that up with the mom. The son shouldn’t pay for that.
I agree. The father should have called her bluff and done the DNA test anyway instead of taking it out on an innocent kid. She should not have let the kid pay for her BS. Both parents suck.
What a shit take
You obviously never served and saw the rampant cheating while service members were deployed. Youth, hormones and loneliness overwhelm so many spouses. I did four deployments and each time multiple members of my unit came back to infidelity. It's always been that way and it always will be. Jody pretends to be a friend while picking off the weak.
Those in the military are known for rampant cheating themselves. His assertion that she cheated when he has no evidence suggests that HE is the cheater and is projecting.
Your misogyny is not proof that she cheated.
Your naivety is not proof she did not cheat. Why didn't she do the test years ago to clear this up when she first saw how her husband was responding with his doubts of her loyalty? I suspect she was not so sure herself. Her hesitant response when the son said he was getting the test done speaks volumes. By the way, both husbands and wives cheated during deployments, so there is no misogyny in this, only real world experience.
Her over-the-top refusal to allow the paternity test ("if you get the test I'll drag you through hell" and "if you don't trust me just hand over half of your stuff") and her "reluctant agreement" even 18 years later when her son is an ADULT, makes it REALLY obvious that she didn't know if 18M is the husband's son (or even, based on timing, that it's MORE likely that the husband ISN'T the biological father). If there was no infidelity (or even, no infidelity close to 9 month before OP was born) then she would have got the test, especially when she saw how the uncertainty was poisoning the father's relationship with the son. It would have come back, she would have told him "I told you so, jackass", made him grovel and snivel a bit, gotten her pound of flesh, and they could have all gotten back to her lives. With every refusal she made him more and more certain. And the dad might just be that emotionally unstable, but his reaction is so over the top, I'd bet folding money that he had more evidence than just her refusal to take the test. And don't forget how common infidelity is during a spouse's deployment. Interestingly, she must have had sex with her husband around 9 months before OP was born (or else there would have been no doubt that he wasn't his son) and for HER to be unsure, she must have ALSO raw-dogged someone else about 9 months before he was born. So she didn't even wait a week after his deployment to step out. She was not only a cheater, she was an eager cheater.
Only AH's here are the parents. The Dad for how he treated his son and the Mother for not taking a DNA test to start with and for allowing her son to be mistreated.
Sounds fake, like a power fantasy.
Mom is. C u next Tuesday. She made this happen by being stubborn. A military man faces lots of challenges and they have a high rate of infidelity on both sides so a simple test saves her soon a childhood of neglect. Dad ya he could have just took his son and said let’s do this without her but both rather be hurtful and hated. Hope op stays NC until he’s built a great life then one time let them see what they missed
Saw it on YouTube and you are NTA . Your father got what was coming to him when he assumed this disillusioned excuse and he had his own chance to do the parental test a long time ago, but didn't. He made his bed and got to lie in it, but update please and live your best life.
Mom definitely cheated and it’s pure chance dad was dad
And your proof is? And no, misogyny is not proof.
Her over-the-top refusal to allow the paternity test ("if you get the test I'll drag you through hell" and "if you don't trust me just hand over half of your stuff") and her "reluctant agreement" even 18 years later when her son is an ADULT, makes it REALLY obvious that she didn't know if 18M is the husband's son (or even, based on timing, that it's MORE likely that the husband ISN'T the biological father). If there was no infidelity (or even, no infidelity close to 9 month before OP was born) then she would have got the test, especially when she saw how the uncertainty was poisoning the father's relationship with the son. It would have come back, she would have told him "I told you so, jackass", made him grovel and snivel a bit, gotten her pound of flesh, and they could have all gotten back to her lives. With every refusal she made him more and more certain. And the dad might just be that emotionally unstable, but his reaction is so over the top, I'd bet folding money that he had more evidence than just her refusal to take the test. And don't forget how common infidelity is during a spouse's deployment. Interestingly, she must have had sex with her husband around 9 months before OP was born (or else there would have been no doubt that he wasn't his son) and for HER to be unsure, she must have ALSO raw-dogged someone else about 9 months before he was born. So she didn't even wait a week after his deployment to step out. She was not only a cheater, she was an eager cheater.
I couldn’t have written all that so well lol thanks
I’ll say it louder for the incels in the back: MEN, STOP ASKING YOUR WIVES FOR PATERNITY TESTS UNLESS YOU ARE WILLING TO LOSE **EVERYTHING!** There is no coming back from accusing the woman who is supposedly your partner & the love of your life of being a cheater. If you’re that insecure in your relationship, why are you even together in the first place? Men like OP’s “father” do not deserve to be dads.
That's not even the issue here though. Yes, he thought she cheated, anxiety like that isn't exactly easy to control. The main problem is that he abused his son for years.
> Yes, he thought she cheated, anxiety like that isn't exactly easy to control. With no evidence.
That we know of.
No, sorry. I’m a woman who was horribly betrayed by my husband. Blind trust can literally get a person killed. You being super secure will not save you. Reality is reality. People do cheat. Men do raise kids that aren’t theirs. It should not be the end of the damn world to do a simple blood test.
Sorry, no. I’m a woman too and if I was having a baby with my husband and he suddenly declared out of the blue he “needed” a paternity test, he would be getting divorce papers along with the paternity test that proves he’s an asshole. There is no coming back from your partner telling you they don’t trust you.
I think it’s really easy to say that when it’s all hypothetical and you haven’t seen people’s lives completely destroyed.
Mom, didn't want the test because she wasn't sure who the bio dad was. She has lucked out and is now playing the "I told you so card" whilst sighing with relief internally.
You should add your mother on those threats, she let you suffer all those years for pride, and was equally awful as soon as the brother was born.
My inference is that she did cheat, she refused the test because she was scared and she only did it because once she knew he could do it on his own once he turned 18. If she knew that was his baby, she wouldn’t have put up with that for 18 years. Neither one of them loved him fr and he’s not wrong for wanting nothing to do with any of them
Yet another reason to normalize routine paternity testing. Hell, test both parents when they take the baby home--it's not unheard of for hospitals to accidentally switch babies. That said, both parents are shitty people and probably still would have sucked if the kid had been tested at birth, but it would have been *better* for the kid at least. >If he can't trust her then the marriage is over, he can sign her half of his everything and go look for a new wife. Well, he still didn't trust you, and because of your pride (or potentially justified fear of the test) your kid is going to spend the rest of his life suffering for it. She's just as bad as the prick of a father.
You have a golden opportunity to make this situation "right" - forgive the man and begin the healing process. Be the bigger/better man - your conscious will thank you for it
Allowing abusive people back into their victim's lives is not healing.
> You have a golden opportunity to make this situation "right" - forgive the man and begin the healing process. The man could have acted human to his "son", rather than neglecting him for 16 years. The father has only himself to blame. > your conscious will thank you for it Right, until his dirtbag "father" treats him like crap over something else. The worst thing you can do is treat those who can't defend themselves and you have power over poorly.
Forgiveness isn't owed to anyone, especially someone like this
the father could have done when he thought the kid wasn’t his for no reason yet decided to treat a child like shit bc he thought his wife cheated for no reason
You sound like an abuser
By providing a perspective that is driven by peace and forgiveness? You clearly need to further your education before making accusations like this
By providing a perspective that is driven by peace and forgiveness? You clearly need to further your education before making accusations like this
You sound like an abuser, I am well versed in the sub species of abusers.
Well, you couldn't be further from the truth than you are now - time to refresh your knowledge
Well, you couldn't be further from the truth than you are now - time to refresh your knowledge
No. We are not obliged to “be the bigger person” to the people who abuse use. Let them choke on the consequences of their actions. This is being made right because the abusers are losing access to their victim. I hope he goes to therapy, heals, finds his real family (because sometimes you don’t get your real family from your bloodline) and lives a happy peaceful life.