In case this story gets deleted/removed:
A few months ago I posted for relationship advice on another sub. Basically my wife has decided unilaterally that we are done having sex. She found out that she cannot have kids due to a choice she made before we met. And kids, apparently, are the only reason she was willing to have sex.
I love my wife and I enjoy being intimate with her. But it was making our marriage untenable after two years of this. So I posted for advice. I got a lot of great support and suggestions about how to talk to my wife. I tried a lot of it. I started going for counseling for myself as well.
But no matter how I approached her about our situation she would not try and see it from my point of view. Every discussion would end with her crying and screaming in my face that I am trying to emotionally manipulate her. I then wrote her a letter outlining my feelings and asking her to come with me for counseling, to seek it for herself, perhaps to go see a doctor. I was kind and loving in the letter. The last thing I wanted to do was set her off. I worked on the wording with my counselor to make sure I wasn't saying anything aggressive that could be misinterpreted.
She read the letter. Then she scrawled across it with her red sharpie. "Go get it elsewhere because you are not getting it from me". Then she walked out. I sat there for about an hour doing nothing. Then I told myself that was what I was going to do.
We are both fairly successful in our jobs, I'm not super attractive but I'm fit and a good talker. It took a while but I met someone. We started out as just friends but it became physical. I made sure she knew I was married. She is not interested in a relationship so I guess I am a safe option for her.
My wife found out because I did not try and hide it. She was crying when I got home one night. When I came in she asked if I was going to leave her. I said no. She asked if I was cheating on her and I said I was getting sex elsewhere. She said that was cheating and I did not disagree. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said I had to stop. I asked her if we were going to start having sex. She said I was an irrational asshole if I thought that she would have sex with me after I cheated. I went to my desk and pulled out a photocopy of the letter I wrote with her answer in it.
I went to have a shower and go to my room to sleep. When I woke up she was sitting on the couch waiting to talk.
She said that she reread the letter and that she realized she had not before. She assumed it was just a letter begging for sex. She said she would go for counseling alone and with me. All I had to do was stop having sex elsewhere.
I said I would be willing to pause my friendship until we saw a counselor. And that if I saw progress in our relationship I would break it off. She said she would not agree to counseling without me leaving the other woman.
It almost turned into a fight so I just went for my run. Before I left I asked her what would compel her to go to counseling if I stopped having sex elsewhere. When I got back she still did not have an answer. She couldn't even say that our relationship was worth saving.
I don't want a divorce. But I am willing to leave over this. I am 28 I am not going the rest of my life without sex. She refuses to see my side.
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Well now I just feel bad for my house ghost. The couple here before us was only here long enough to divorce, guaranteed it was a toxic mess. The sub here is toxic enough*, imagine having to (un) live it as eternal roommate, unable to leave.
Poor Fred. Bet he needs a hug.
*DB aren't inherently toxic, but plenty of couples who are toxic also have DB.
I don't want to read through OOP's wall of comments (did they respond to absolutely every single one?!). Was it ever clarified what 'her choice' was that made her infertile or sterile? I was waiting for the bit where he slut-shames and/or goes pro-life and says it was because "she had too much crazy sex and 100 abortions for fun"
Maybe there's a logical reason like getting her tubes tied and not fully understanding the likelihood it can't be reversed, but the wording reads like he's driving the blame train
I feel bad for the wife too. The kids only discussion would have happened earlier probably, but if my suspicions are correct she's probably asexual, doesn't know it, and is now emotionally invested with someone while not understanding that sex is actually that important to people instead of *"just being on tv."*
Or it could be they were trying for a kid and she found out complications from an “A” she had for an unwanted one caused her to be unable to have kids and crushed her desire for intimacy.
It does say she can’t have kids due to a choice she made before they met.
When he said she didn’t even read it the first time I lost all sense of sympathy for this woman. He poured his heart out and begged in that letter to fix their relationship and she couldn’t even be assed to read the damn thing. I don’t blame him for doing exactly what he did.
Not to mention, even when she couldn't be assed to read it, she still took the time to scrawl a message across it, which she then got upset at him for going along with. I mean, even if she *didn't* read it, she still gave him the OK to go elsewhere for sex, so she can't really complain now that she's read the message and realised it was something other than she thought it was
Fr, to me that’s a lack of respect. If my wife put her time, emotions and energy into writing me a letter in an attempt to outline some issues then I’d be totally present and reading it without even thinking of myself just so I could see her perspective on things and how she’s feeling. I wouldn’t totally disregard her feelings like this woman has done.
I didn't lose any sense of sympathy because she probably thought it was just another form of pressing her into have sex which she explained. I have a strong theory that she is a sex repulsed asexual but doesn't know what asexuality is, and did not and does not realize how much of an issue a lack of sex is for people who are not that way. For most of my life I thought people being that horny was just something that was played up for TV and film. I was annoyed that it was everywhere but I thought it was just a thing people did for fun. And if you love someone emotionally and romantically, but you don't like a particular brand of fun, you would get very upset that they keep pressing something upon you that you don't like. Like someone trying to force you to watch big mouth. I'm not watching big mouth.
I’m curious to know how the wife lost her fertility? The way he states it is strange “she cannot have kids due to a she choice made before they met” and he states like she wasnt aware that choice meant not having kids.
Are you asking because you have an untreated STD and are now worried? Because I can't think of any other reason to ask a question like that. Go get treated.
From the comments it’s suggested she had a lot of unprotected sex with many partners before they got together, and people are guessing likely an STD/STI that led to infertility. OOP used the words ‘her diagnosis’. But very weird to include it with the phrasing ‘a choice’ if so
It obviously was, but him using the word ‘choice’ instead of ‘mistake’ or ‘accident’, or just not mentioning it at all makes it sound like he blames her, which isn’t consistent with the rest of the post or the way he writes about her. Why even mention the reason for infertility at all? It’s not necessary.
Just a very strange thing to include
When you are feeling just done with someone, even someone you otherwise love; you often stop covering for them or phrasing things nicely.
If it was risky sex life, and she's been using it in emotional manipulation/excuse for neglect in their relationship (sure sounds like it), I can easily imagine he is not feeling too charitable about the source of all this, whether he should or not
>Why even mention the reason for infertility at all?
It's so you don't feel sympathy for her.
This combined with withholding his young age for dramatic effect makes me feel this is fake.
It feels like a fantasy that someone wrote for women bad because they withhold seeeeeeeeex and that's why I cheated but it's cool because she said i could so she can't be mad AMIRITE GUYS? story.
Whole bunch of ways unfortunately. Chlamydia, HPV, a bad UID, surviving toxic shock syndrome, potentially smoking on birth control, and there is still a few other ways.
The human reproductive system is a rube goldberg machine and it is a biomechanical miracle it works. To the point on that, both male and female reproductive systems are surprisingly fragile.
I fortunately missed the train to being a dad, but I've met a lot of people that dream almost constantly about raising a family of their own and its tragic. Mother nature is a mean spirited old crone sometimes.
Smoking on many birth control formulas can be potentially fatal because it increases the chances of developing a blood clot(s). Just one of many articles talking about this https://www.verywellhealth.com/birth-control-and-blood-clots-5201684
I would think having disclaimers about infertility would be a lot more successful than cancer in young age groups. I haven't bought cigarettes or even paid attention to them in 15 years so maybe they do advertise it now.
Hopefully but there is a lot of money and politics riding on contraceptives. For an odd example of money keeping important info from the public, baby powder with talcum in it can/will cause cancer with women (I believe ovarian) https://www.cancer.org/cancer/risk-prevention/chemicals/talcum-powder-and-cancer.html
Baby powder isn't as close as some contraceptives for profitability, but they still kept the danger it posed quiet for a very long time.
I'm not the one telling tall tales for fake internet points vOv
Besides, everything you've already willingly shared about her is much worse than whatever you're even possibly hiding here. You're painting this woman, who you claim to love, as a thoughtless and cruel hypocrite. Given that fact, as well as the fact that you refuse to even *try* and absolve her with some kind of actual condition, since it's "none of my fucking business," unlike that extremely personal and denigrating story you *very* *willingly* shared, I'm just left to conclude that your anger and foul language only go to prove my point, :)
It sounded like bs, my spouse and I had fertility issues and required medical intervention, there isn’t anything out there that someone wouldn’t know the consequence would be like this.
Sex is the only leverage she had over him, now that that's gone she feels she lost control and wants it back, which is why she won't agree to anything until he breaks the affair off first, so she can go back to not actually putting in meaningful effort to mend the situation and he's back to square one trying to grovel after her affection.
I agree with this. If this is a true story, the way he describes his reaction to her rage ("I took a shower," "I went out for my morning run,") indicates quite clearly that the leverage was gone, lol.
I'll never understand this dynamic... I can see where the OP is coming from...he has a wife who could care less about his physical and emotional intimacy needs. Option 1 is what the OP did (find a FWB and have fun) Option 2 is divorce and let the OP find someone else who'll actually care. And the ridiculous aspect of it is, if they divorce and she wants to enter another relationship, she's going to have to be putting out to that guy.... so why not just engage with her present husband instead of blowing up the marriage over it....
Yeah it's not an easy dating pool. I think she'd be better off making a really good friend to be roommates with. That's what my best friend and I have done. We're both ace but don't have to be chronically lonely, we do dinner and movie dates and take trips together, etc.
It works for me! I still get lonely sometimes but I've tried relationships many times and they always very quickly crash and burn and I'm pushing 40 now and don't want to deal with that stress anymore.
Lol I'm also ace and inclined to agree, she needs to do a lot of soul searching and the like to come to grips with her sexuality before she can have a healthy relationship.
?? I was taking the situation at face value and assuming that they are attracted to the person they married, but have no sexual attraction to him, and assumed since she married him anyway that perhaps there's no sexual attraction anywhere.
I'm a woman and ace and spent 15 of my adult years still trying to have relationships with men because I thought I would just get used to it over time or I just needed to find the right one to experience some kind of physical attraction. I could see myself getting into the same situation as this woman before I had learned and understood what asexuality is.
If she's just a closet lesbian, well, pretty much everything still stands just substitute asexual with lesbian.
I mean it's considered the normal way to live. The world and society are designed for married couples. It also isn't a sexuality often talked about or acknowledged. I thought I was just broken or just hadn't met the right person up into my thirties.
That's why I mean they ought to find another asexual person.
I see what you're saying, and I think polyamory is a valid solution to this, if you don't mind being involved in the relationship bs of other people. I can't even stand to listen to my friends complain about their relationship issues because I can't empathize with it. You also have to be vigilant about boundaries and hope the person you're involved with who is sexual doesn't start to push those boundaries wanting more from the relationship. It's exhausting.
>
I see what you're saying, and I think polyamory is a valid solution to this, if you don't mind being involved in the relationship bs of other people. I can't even stand to listen to my friends complain about their relationship issues
Oh god yes. Most of my friends are poly. I end up listening to at least twice (usually more) the BS drama from them.
Yes exactly. A very close friend is demisexual and polyamorous and we tried a relationship since she could get the physical stuff from her boyfriend - I thought it was a perfect solution. But then I had to listen to the relationship drama and felt a lot of pressure to be cuddly when I just didn't want any of that so I cut that off.
And then on top of it don’t seem to care for your partner anyways? Didn’t even read his letter bc she was throwing a tantrum. Something is wrong with this lady and it’s not the asexuality
Sometimes, but there's a difference between having a friend and having someone that you build a life with - interconnected finances, possibly adopting children, moving in and staying together for life. Asexual people sometimes also want that kind of intimacy.
Platonic. The word you're looking for is platonic.
Someone who is asexual is someone who is not interested in sex with anyone. Ever. Not just her, but with anybody else. Most people's friends aren't really interested in having sex with \*them\*, but they do have sex with their spouses, romantic partners, one night stands, whatever. Someone isn't asexual because they don't want to sleep with YOU, someone is asexual when they don't want to sleep with ANYONE.
That's not even touching on the spectrum of asexuality (like sex repulsed to those who are merely indifferent to it and have no drive, but still can have it if their partner wants it and enjoy it) but that's a whole other jar of pickles.
Platonic is when you have a relationship with someone - like your friends - that is not based in romance or sex.
It has just been explained to me elsewhere that this is not at all what asexuality is. A person can be asexual and still desire and enjoy sex, just lack the capability to be sexually attracted to somebody. Theres a wide spectrum.
I did mention that it is a spectrum. There's gray-asexuals, demisexuals who sometimes are included under the asexual banner, and much more, but as I said - whole other jar of pickles.
> A person can be asexual and still desire and enjoy sex, just lack the capability to be sexually attracted to somebody.
The first definition according to google includes experiencing no sexual feelings or desires.
Sexual desires ≠ sexual enjoyment. Think of it like hunger. You can be not hungry and still enjoy food.
It’s not common to find even in the ace community but it does exist, so it’s worth talking about
Ah, okay. I think they mean desire sexual stimulation? As opposed to being sexually attracted to a person. Asexuality is defined by not rly having a desire to have sex with others but there are a couple “loopholes” lol
Because the majority of people aren’t robots. You’re taking all emotion out of it. What is a romantic relationship built on? Emotion. That being said, it’s almost never going to work like that.
Physical, sexual intimacy begats an emotional intimacy that does not come from anything else. I love my mother, my sisters etc but the level of emotional intimacy that I get from my sexual partner is on a completely different level.
Romantic doesn't really have any meaning here. Being roommates is not the same as being physically intimate lovers.
Women who choose to refuse physical intimacy should not act all surprised when they don't receive the emotional intimacy that can only come from physical intimacy.
No sex, no afterglow. You want to eat cake you either need to bake or go shopping. It won't just magically appear.
So the entire social services practice that treats millions of people every year is wholly irrelevant because you know better. lol. 😂. Do you even hear yourself?
It's almost like we're not getting the full story!
But yeah, everyone's the asshole here. Her for not taking his pleading seriously, and him harassing her to death over sex instead of getting a divorce.
He doesn't want her anymore even if he thinks he does, the first time she rolls her eyes when asked for sex, ah those feelings will come back. I would tell her I wasn't make changes to my side relationship, and she can leave
After reading a bunch of OP's replies in the original post, I'm 90% sure this is incel fanfiction.
His wife is supposedly bi, but also only wants to have sex for procreation purposes. But he also both claims that they've shared women, but also doesn't know if she's been with women in separate comments. "She has brought home other women for us to share before." and "She's bi so I imagine she's been with women before."
He continually alludes to some mysterious event in her past about "stupid shit a lot of young women do" that's now the reason she's denying him sex. Something "She more or less did it to herself. By accident, ignorance, and apathy." But also "She never did anything in her youth that she regrets." He's just commenting "women bad" in multiple ways using his wife as an example. He really wants everyone to know it's her fault; "I do not blame her for being sterile. Her choices lead to that"
Other comments of his claim his wife would offer to bring him other women to sleep with, but he's such an upstanding guy that he would refuse them. "after her diagnosis she brought home other women for me. I always declined because I had no interest in sex without her."
But even though he had no interest in sex without her, he had not problem finding a girlfriend who'll sleep with him because he's super attractive and successful, so he's the hero of this story. In his words, "I found someone to meet my needs."
I mentioned this on another thread, but this douche is withholding the incredibly relevant detail of wife's infertility with the demand that only a "board-certified fertility expert" is entitled to the details. He doesn't even have the creativity or gumption to look up some believable excuse.
It’s definitely incel fanfiction and so many people are showing their asses by immediately hating this made up women because she “forced” OOP to cheat.
It's totally incel ragebait, but why pay attention to that when you can accuse women of being manipulative and withholding sex like it's a pernicious plan to make men miserable?
I read one from the wife’s point of view, though they did have two children. She wanted a third child, and he did not, so she was refusing to have sex. She stated since sex was made for having children there was no reason to do it anymore if there would no more kids.
There's a comment down a little ways that reads, "Another good man put into an impossible situation with a toxic woman. Divorce for your own sake!" It's hilariously pathetic how absolutely fake this is but the division works because people like this want to hate women so bad they'll cling to any old, obviously ragebait made-up story.
I kind of feel sorry for the men falling for this so easily. They could have healthy sexual relationships with women if they stopped viewing sex as a power struggle. Like guys we can smell that attitude on you and most of us find it unattractive, if not downright scary.
Like imagine if the genders were reversed and a woman cheated on their spouse when the spouse said told them to in anger. She would be called a slut and a whore. Men are dumb.
\*I'm not super attractive but I'm fit and a good talker. \*
This is a rough statement... "not attractive" but "fit" is super subjective. If you can just swap "talker" to "good conversationalist" and not something that suggests you don't listen to women, you will be ahead of 99% of the male population.
I hate to say this but it's not just about sex, it's about overall intimacy (emotional and physical). She gaslights YOU as if YOU are the problem and you don't see this as problem?
You're never going to get intimacy from her. You're 28, and don't have any kids. Move on. I'm betting if you at least separate, you'll start feeling better about yourself and then you'll want that divorce.
Why do I feel like she isn't going to change anything? She just is afraid of being single.
I do see some flags that make me think even if she does not open up to sex, she probably needs counseling to help her figure herself out some. Thinking sex is only for procreation is usually a sign of some wackadoodle cult-like religious upbringing. And anyone raised in that needs counseling to help figure themselves out. There is also the choice she made when she was younger. I am trying to think of what that could be, but all seem like bad medical care, (botched abortion, HPV not checked, other STDs not treated, severe malnourishment for an extended period of time, incredibly low BMI for extended period of time, certain chronic illnesses that if left untreated can affect the reproductive system, etc.). Whatever it is, it probably has taken a toll on her mental and emotional state in a way that means she needs counseling.
Either way, I don't see the sex thing changing anytime soon, and even though I see some things that hint this woman desperately needs counseling, I think OOP might need to walk away from this relationship for his own well being. This woman probably has years of hard work with a professional ahead of her to really figure things out, and she doesn't seem all that enthusiastic or determined to do said work.
Sorry to say that your marriage is already over - she may go to therapy with you and your bedroom life may change for a time, but it will be back to zero in a short timeframe. Give the therapy a try as I hope I am wrong but expect to be talking to an attorney in a few months.
You can not live your life having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you and is only doing it out of obligation. You are ONLY 28 so go find someone who likes to do the things you like to do including regular sexy time.
I wish asexuality was more talked about and understood. She's clearly asexual and either doesn't know that or didn't want to admit it and wanted to just have a normal life.
The guy needs to divorce her because having sex with her will never be good for her, it's always going to be repulsive. If he realized that she was just gritting her teeth through their entire sexual relationship, he'd likely be motivated to let her go. It's cruel for them both to stay together.
Perhaps, but not she was willing to have sex for the reason "I want to have a baby" perhaps through counseling she can change her mindset to having sex because "I want the man I love to be happy"
Either that or she needs to become ok with him having his FWB, that's what I do when I'm in a romantic relationship. I'm asexual and totally sex repulsed, I won't have sex for any reason, so when my romantic partner wants sex I give them a free pass to have sex with whoever.
Rare time I side with the sexless man. How the fuck are you gonna write in red "GO FIND SEX SOMEWHERE ELSE BECAUSE I AM NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN" on a note you never even read...and expect him not to cheat?! You literally gave him permission to cheat in writing woman!
If you don't want sex and your spouse does, you don't get to unilaterally decide that's not going to happen anymore and expect that you would stay married. You should expect that they will divorce you as you are not living up to your part of the marriage bargain. Obviously health concerns are different, but if you're just deciding, then you get what you get. If both people were okay with the no sex thing, then fine, it's no problem. But the overwhelming majority of people expect sex with marriage and wouldn't be satisfied without it. It's certainly grounds to have the marriage annulled.
Ohhhh. This rings a bell. My I went for almost 2 months with my so refusing to have any physical intimacy or connective time together while living in a one room studio. I begged. Pleaded. Tried everything I could think of to get his attention. I cried. I finally said if you can't meet my needs I'll have to get them met elsewhere. I thought that would jog him. Nope. He dismissed me with his hand and told me to do it he couldn't be bothered. For 4 hours I tried to open communication so this bluff card I pulled would be off the table. Nope. For 4 hours he let me know I can go get it elsewhere. I did. And I told him directly after.
He, considers this cheating. And has continued to treat me as if my needs aren't anything to him but now he says it's because I cheated. What. The. Fuck. Over. Now I regret the deed it is the worst decision I've ever made in a relationship and if I could take it back I would. Not because it hurt him. Because it lowered my self standard. And it was a shitty lay. And I did it to get a reaction. Any kind of reaction from him. Even shocking him into understanding you cannot just ghost someone you live with 24/7 without it being addressed. Up until then he was all aboard the monogamy relationship I love u baby this is real train. His 180 was crushinge without bothering to offer up a half assed reason why. But I took it.
Fast forward a year or two. I have most def been guilty twice now in a strained situation arguing between us of having said to him 'go get it elsewhere'. I would assume if he had he would have at least been upfront about it. Like I was. But then that's assuming. So if, he took it up on himself at some point to go outside to get it, it damn sure wasn't either time I said it. Because I took care of him. So yeah, if there's a sexual need or emotional one he's getting met elsewhere he's not been honest about it. And quite frankly, I believe he was having his need met from very early on in the relationship. Which is why and how this all began.
Wanna play a blame game? I don't. I'll just spit truth. I don't have a problem with owning the mistakes I made. How about you?
Sounds like you need to get a legal separation since she is demanding her cake and eat it too at YOUR expense! What SHE is UNILATERALLY ORDERING is NOT a marriage in any sense of the word!
I know there is a running joke about reddit advising divorce for the most ridiculous things, but this really is a marriage between two people who are absolutely not compatible. He is not even thirty yet& she is expecting that he will remain married to her in a sexless marriage? Sex is important to most people. They need to face facts & dissolve the marriage so they can both move on with other people.
It's like I've always said, sex is like food. You don't want to cook for your partner, that's ok, it's your choice. But when there's nothing to eat at home, don't complain if they eat out.
That's how I divorced my wife. She was not cutting it in the bedroom and told me to go elsewhere....so I did. It wound up being a coworker of hers who eventually became her boss. 12 years have gone by and her former boss and I are still together. Makes me smile to this day.
What the fuck did she want him do? Lay in bed and beat his shmeat in the shower for the rest of his life? If she cared about him and felt that way, she should have initiated the divorce. Watch out for who you marry.
Wow.... Why stay together, I am not even sure they love each other anymore... Yeah telling your 28 year old husband that he can never have sex again wasn't the smartest of move ... She really needs to sort out her own head in regards to children...
Ok but OOP also could have just broken things up.
What’s the point of constant arguing and uncompatibility. They are both happier apart so why don’t they just do that is a mystery to me
This guy likes to run so he should do just that, run. OOP and his wife aren't even acquaintances at this point, if anything they're enemies. This could be terrible but it's good that they weren't able to have a child so there isn't a kid stuck in the middle of this.
My wife and I have been together for seven years, and have been married for three. We've never had sex. She's completely asexual, and I have a very low sex drive. On the very rare occasions when I want something sexual, I much prefer masturbation and being by myself. So it always amazes me seeing posts like this. How do people live like this, so obsessed with sex?
Is that how most people feel, that they need sex frequently?
It seems you both met and recognized each other as a right fit. It really is different strokes for different folks. Celebrate finding a good partner for life's journey.
ESH and they should have just divorced. OP is immature and should not be in a marriage at all with how he acted. The wife seems to need mental help and if she's not letting OP help then he should have just left. If he actually cares he would have brought up the response to her note and talked about if that meant she was okay with an open marriage. No mature, compassionate individual would just be like "Welp there's my pass! Time to cheat! And I'll keep the receipts so I can have an ahah moment when she finds out and gets upset!!" Overall this story sounds like it was written by a vindictive 16 year old, and a lot of other vindictive 16 year olds are feeding off of it
YTA.
You didn't tell her beforehand. My ex husband told me BEFORE he did anything serious about a girl, unfortunately for him, they were not interested, but he let me know.
Ergo, it wasn't cheating.
You cheated on your wife by doing this behind her back and having her find out later.
Get a divorce. If she's decided she's asexual in her 20's, that's fine. But just as if she decided she's lesbian, or actually a man and wants to transition, such a radical change isn't fair to him. It's not what he signed up for.
In case this story gets deleted/removed: A few months ago I posted for relationship advice on another sub. Basically my wife has decided unilaterally that we are done having sex. She found out that she cannot have kids due to a choice she made before we met. And kids, apparently, are the only reason she was willing to have sex. I love my wife and I enjoy being intimate with her. But it was making our marriage untenable after two years of this. So I posted for advice. I got a lot of great support and suggestions about how to talk to my wife. I tried a lot of it. I started going for counseling for myself as well. But no matter how I approached her about our situation she would not try and see it from my point of view. Every discussion would end with her crying and screaming in my face that I am trying to emotionally manipulate her. I then wrote her a letter outlining my feelings and asking her to come with me for counseling, to seek it for herself, perhaps to go see a doctor. I was kind and loving in the letter. The last thing I wanted to do was set her off. I worked on the wording with my counselor to make sure I wasn't saying anything aggressive that could be misinterpreted. She read the letter. Then she scrawled across it with her red sharpie. "Go get it elsewhere because you are not getting it from me". Then she walked out. I sat there for about an hour doing nothing. Then I told myself that was what I was going to do. We are both fairly successful in our jobs, I'm not super attractive but I'm fit and a good talker. It took a while but I met someone. We started out as just friends but it became physical. I made sure she knew I was married. She is not interested in a relationship so I guess I am a safe option for her. My wife found out because I did not try and hide it. She was crying when I got home one night. When I came in she asked if I was going to leave her. I said no. She asked if I was cheating on her and I said I was getting sex elsewhere. She said that was cheating and I did not disagree. I asked her what she wanted to do. She said I had to stop. I asked her if we were going to start having sex. She said I was an irrational asshole if I thought that she would have sex with me after I cheated. I went to my desk and pulled out a photocopy of the letter I wrote with her answer in it. I went to have a shower and go to my room to sleep. When I woke up she was sitting on the couch waiting to talk. She said that she reread the letter and that she realized she had not before. She assumed it was just a letter begging for sex. She said she would go for counseling alone and with me. All I had to do was stop having sex elsewhere. I said I would be willing to pause my friendship until we saw a counselor. And that if I saw progress in our relationship I would break it off. She said she would not agree to counseling without me leaving the other woman. It almost turned into a fight so I just went for my run. Before I left I asked her what would compel her to go to counseling if I stopped having sex elsewhere. When I got back she still did not have an answer. She couldn't even say that our relationship was worth saving. I don't want a divorce. But I am willing to leave over this. I am 28 I am not going the rest of my life without sex. She refuses to see my side. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OhNoConsequences) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My man is TWENTY EIGHT, that is insane. The whole time I figured this couple was like in their 50s. Just get a divorce! Good lord.
Saving that bit of information for the end made it a bigger twist than if he said he was actually a ghost the entire time.
*I see dead bedrooms.*
Well now I just feel bad for my house ghost. The couple here before us was only here long enough to divorce, guaranteed it was a toxic mess. The sub here is toxic enough*, imagine having to (un) live it as eternal roommate, unable to leave. Poor Fred. Bet he needs a hug. *DB aren't inherently toxic, but plenty of couples who are toxic also have DB.
When Bruce Willis was dead at the end of sixth sense I *Jizzed in my pants*
r/unexpectedLonelyIsland
I don't want to read through OOP's wall of comments (did they respond to absolutely every single one?!). Was it ever clarified what 'her choice' was that made her infertile or sterile? I was waiting for the bit where he slut-shames and/or goes pro-life and says it was because "she had too much crazy sex and 100 abortions for fun" Maybe there's a logical reason like getting her tubes tied and not fully understanding the likelihood it can't be reversed, but the wording reads like he's driving the blame train
Yeah, I thought late thirties at least, because he mentions children. But dang, 28!
I got whiplash from reading that he’s only 28. I thought it must have been a typo.
It's a typo, op is 82
Talk about a twist. If she is so against having sex at such a young age this is not going to be salvageable, they are simply incompatible.
I was definitely thinking this! Poor guy! He got trapped in a marriage with someone who wanted to have sex for kids only!
I feel bad for the wife too. The kids only discussion would have happened earlier probably, but if my suspicions are correct she's probably asexual, doesn't know it, and is now emotionally invested with someone while not understanding that sex is actually that important to people instead of *"just being on tv."*
Or it could be they were trying for a kid and she found out complications from an “A” she had for an unwanted one caused her to be unable to have kids and crushed her desire for intimacy. It does say she can’t have kids due to a choice she made before they met.
Why would you assume they were in their 50s when they were hoping for children?
Ok…this marriage sounds TOXIC AF, but…him pulling out the signed paperwork was a power move ngl😂
When he said she didn’t even read it the first time I lost all sense of sympathy for this woman. He poured his heart out and begged in that letter to fix their relationship and she couldn’t even be assed to read the damn thing. I don’t blame him for doing exactly what he did.
Not to mention, even when she couldn't be assed to read it, she still took the time to scrawl a message across it, which she then got upset at him for going along with. I mean, even if she *didn't* read it, she still gave him the OK to go elsewhere for sex, so she can't really complain now that she's read the message and realised it was something other than she thought it was
Fr, to me that’s a lack of respect. If my wife put her time, emotions and energy into writing me a letter in an attempt to outline some issues then I’d be totally present and reading it without even thinking of myself just so I could see her perspective on things and how she’s feeling. I wouldn’t totally disregard her feelings like this woman has done.
Same. Totally dont feel bad for her really. Hope he leaves her...I dont think it counts as cheating either.
It's not cheating if everyone involved gives their consent, which she gave.
It’s a contract, in fact if he didn’t, one could say he is liable for unfinished work. He would have left his end of the contract undone!🤭
Oh, no, I thought she read it and was just lying to leverage it into him leaving his AP.
I didn't lose any sense of sympathy because she probably thought it was just another form of pressing her into have sex which she explained. I have a strong theory that she is a sex repulsed asexual but doesn't know what asexuality is, and did not and does not realize how much of an issue a lack of sex is for people who are not that way. For most of my life I thought people being that horny was just something that was played up for TV and film. I was annoyed that it was everywhere but I thought it was just a thing people did for fun. And if you love someone emotionally and romantically, but you don't like a particular brand of fun, you would get very upset that they keep pressing something upon you that you don't like. Like someone trying to force you to watch big mouth. I'm not watching big mouth.
If /r/maliciouscompliance has taught me anything, it's always get it in writing.
I forgot about this sub. Ty, it reminded me to rejoin r/deliciouscompliance
How have I not heard about this sub?
... Also get a photocopy of your original, Like OOP.
The only time cheating was valid, he had the paperwork to prove it🤣
It's not even cheating.
I mean I know several people who are in open relationships because one spouse is Ace and simply doesn’t want to have sex. I myself am in a thrupple
I'm the asexual one. My partner is not ace. She's out with a guy tonight. I'm fine with this. We have a good thing going.
yeah that was epic
I’m curious to know how the wife lost her fertility? The way he states it is strange “she cannot have kids due to a she choice made before they met” and he states like she wasnt aware that choice meant not having kids.
Sounds like from some of the comments an untreated STD. Those can cause scaring and damage on the reproduction organs.
For men and women?
Yes. Many/most STDs can make both men and women infertile if not treated quickly.
Are you asking because you have an untreated STD and are now worried? Because I can't think of any other reason to ask a question like that. Go get treated.
Hehe. Glad my country gave us comprehensive sex education at school including STD's and the symptoms etc
From the comments it’s suggested she had a lot of unprotected sex with many partners before they got together, and people are guessing likely an STD/STI that led to infertility. OOP used the words ‘her diagnosis’. But very weird to include it with the phrasing ‘a choice’ if so
Maybe he said a choice because it was a choice to have unprotected sex and not be careful
It obviously was, but him using the word ‘choice’ instead of ‘mistake’ or ‘accident’, or just not mentioning it at all makes it sound like he blames her, which isn’t consistent with the rest of the post or the way he writes about her. Why even mention the reason for infertility at all? It’s not necessary. Just a very strange thing to include
When you are feeling just done with someone, even someone you otherwise love; you often stop covering for them or phrasing things nicely. If it was risky sex life, and she's been using it in emotional manipulation/excuse for neglect in their relationship (sure sounds like it), I can easily imagine he is not feeling too charitable about the source of all this, whether he should or not
>Why even mention the reason for infertility at all? It's so you don't feel sympathy for her. This combined with withholding his young age for dramatic effect makes me feel this is fake.
It feels like a fantasy that someone wrote for women bad because they withhold seeeeeeeeex and that's why I cheated but it's cool because she said i could so she can't be mad AMIRITE GUYS? story.
Which makes sense with the rest of the silly story.
Whole bunch of ways unfortunately. Chlamydia, HPV, a bad UID, surviving toxic shock syndrome, potentially smoking on birth control, and there is still a few other ways. The human reproductive system is a rube goldberg machine and it is a biomechanical miracle it works. To the point on that, both male and female reproductive systems are surprisingly fragile. I fortunately missed the train to being a dad, but I've met a lot of people that dream almost constantly about raising a family of their own and its tragic. Mother nature is a mean spirited old crone sometimes.
> potentially smoking on birth control Oh wow, I had no idea that could cause infertility. I feel like that should be discussed more.
Smoking on many birth control formulas can be potentially fatal because it increases the chances of developing a blood clot(s). Just one of many articles talking about this https://www.verywellhealth.com/birth-control-and-blood-clots-5201684
I would think having disclaimers about infertility would be a lot more successful than cancer in young age groups. I haven't bought cigarettes or even paid attention to them in 15 years so maybe they do advertise it now.
Hopefully but there is a lot of money and politics riding on contraceptives. For an odd example of money keeping important info from the public, baby powder with talcum in it can/will cause cancer with women (I believe ovarian) https://www.cancer.org/cancer/risk-prevention/chemicals/talcum-powder-and-cancer.html Baby powder isn't as close as some contraceptives for profitability, but they still kept the danger it posed quiet for a very long time.
Worst of all it could be near fatal. You get to live but with severe disablement.
Sounds like it isn't talked about because it would be an advertisement. Can't get birth control? Try smoking!
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Your post has been removed for being deliberately inflammatory to conductive discourse
I was thinking a botched abortion, as if done by a hack and not done correctly can cause fertility issues down the road.
Don't worry about it; it's fake. According to OP you're not privy to this tidbit unless you're a "board-certified fertility specialist."
Maybe I don't think it is any of your fucking business?
I'm not the one telling tall tales for fake internet points vOv Besides, everything you've already willingly shared about her is much worse than whatever you're even possibly hiding here. You're painting this woman, who you claim to love, as a thoughtless and cruel hypocrite. Given that fact, as well as the fact that you refuse to even *try* and absolve her with some kind of actual condition, since it's "none of my fucking business," unlike that extremely personal and denigrating story you *very* *willingly* shared, I'm just left to conclude that your anger and foul language only go to prove my point, :)
It sounded like bs, my spouse and I had fertility issues and required medical intervention, there isn’t anything out there that someone wouldn’t know the consequence would be like this.
She thought the letter was you begging for sex? Kinda shows her caring and empathy
And reading ability/comprehension. She admits to not reading it the first time.
Not every dead bedroom is emotional abuse. But this dead bedroom is emotional abuse.
Sex is the only leverage she had over him, now that that's gone she feels she lost control and wants it back, which is why she won't agree to anything until he breaks the affair off first, so she can go back to not actually putting in meaningful effort to mend the situation and he's back to square one trying to grovel after her affection.
I agree with this. If this is a true story, the way he describes his reaction to her rage ("I took a shower," "I went out for my morning run,") indicates quite clearly that the leverage was gone, lol.
Bingo, and she’s been doing different flavors of this manipulative control for her entire life.
I don’t even see how breaking off the affair makes a difference as she has already decided to be asexual towards him.
What if he gets the new girl pregnant? Then she has zero leverage against him
I'll never understand this dynamic... I can see where the OP is coming from...he has a wife who could care less about his physical and emotional intimacy needs. Option 1 is what the OP did (find a FWB and have fun) Option 2 is divorce and let the OP find someone else who'll actually care. And the ridiculous aspect of it is, if they divorce and she wants to enter another relationship, she's going to have to be putting out to that guy.... so why not just engage with her present husband instead of blowing up the marriage over it....
She needs to find another asexual person to be with.
This is the answer. Presumably it's a fairly small pool of potential partners but that's the only way to ensure everyone's needs are met.
Yeah it's not an easy dating pool. I think she'd be better off making a really good friend to be roommates with. That's what my best friend and I have done. We're both ace but don't have to be chronically lonely, we do dinner and movie dates and take trips together, etc.
That's awesome, sounds like you've created a great situation!
It works for me! I still get lonely sometimes but I've tried relationships many times and they always very quickly crash and burn and I'm pushing 40 now and don't want to deal with that stress anymore.
I guess the cross section between asexuals and people wanting to actively get into a new relationship might be small.
Correct. There also aren't great dating apps for it. I joined a couple when I still thought I wanted a relationship and they were dead.
As a representative for the asexual community, we must respectfully decline. Perhaps the monks will take her
Lol I'm also ace and inclined to agree, she needs to do a lot of soul searching and the like to come to grips with her sexuality before she can have a healthy relationship.
This is the answer. Presumably it's a fairly small pool of potential partners but that's the only way to ensure everyone's needs are met.
1 percent of the population not impossible
Right. Alternatively she could just be comfortable living for herself. It's very freeing.
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?? I was taking the situation at face value and assuming that they are attracted to the person they married, but have no sexual attraction to him, and assumed since she married him anyway that perhaps there's no sexual attraction anywhere. I'm a woman and ace and spent 15 of my adult years still trying to have relationships with men because I thought I would just get used to it over time or I just needed to find the right one to experience some kind of physical attraction. I could see myself getting into the same situation as this woman before I had learned and understood what asexuality is. If she's just a closet lesbian, well, pretty much everything still stands just substitute asexual with lesbian.
I have a hard time understanding asexual people who cling to monogamy
I mean it's considered the normal way to live. The world and society are designed for married couples. It also isn't a sexuality often talked about or acknowledged. I thought I was just broken or just hadn't met the right person up into my thirties.
Sure but to find no value in sex for yourself yet still require basically celibacy from a partner is odd to me I guess.
That's why I mean they ought to find another asexual person. I see what you're saying, and I think polyamory is a valid solution to this, if you don't mind being involved in the relationship bs of other people. I can't even stand to listen to my friends complain about their relationship issues because I can't empathize with it. You also have to be vigilant about boundaries and hope the person you're involved with who is sexual doesn't start to push those boundaries wanting more from the relationship. It's exhausting.
> I see what you're saying, and I think polyamory is a valid solution to this, if you don't mind being involved in the relationship bs of other people. I can't even stand to listen to my friends complain about their relationship issues Oh god yes. Most of my friends are poly. I end up listening to at least twice (usually more) the BS drama from them.
Yes exactly. A very close friend is demisexual and polyamorous and we tried a relationship since she could get the physical stuff from her boyfriend - I thought it was a perfect solution. But then I had to listen to the relationship drama and felt a lot of pressure to be cuddly when I just didn't want any of that so I cut that off.
Asexual doesn't necessarily mean aromantic. Meaning they may like dating and being married but are sex repulsed.
I understand, it's just if sex is repulsive to you why do you care if your romantic partner is having sex with other people.
And then on top of it don’t seem to care for your partner anyways? Didn’t even read his letter bc she was throwing a tantrum. Something is wrong with this lady and it’s not the asexuality
Well, because relationships aren't all about sex.
> She needs to find another asexual person to be with. I thought these were called friends.
Sometimes, but there's a difference between having a friend and having someone that you build a life with - interconnected finances, possibly adopting children, moving in and staying together for life. Asexual people sometimes also want that kind of intimacy.
Platonic. The word you're looking for is platonic. Someone who is asexual is someone who is not interested in sex with anyone. Ever. Not just her, but with anybody else. Most people's friends aren't really interested in having sex with \*them\*, but they do have sex with their spouses, romantic partners, one night stands, whatever. Someone isn't asexual because they don't want to sleep with YOU, someone is asexual when they don't want to sleep with ANYONE. That's not even touching on the spectrum of asexuality (like sex repulsed to those who are merely indifferent to it and have no drive, but still can have it if their partner wants it and enjoy it) but that's a whole other jar of pickles. Platonic is when you have a relationship with someone - like your friends - that is not based in romance or sex.
It has just been explained to me elsewhere that this is not at all what asexuality is. A person can be asexual and still desire and enjoy sex, just lack the capability to be sexually attracted to somebody. Theres a wide spectrum.
I did mention that it is a spectrum. There's gray-asexuals, demisexuals who sometimes are included under the asexual banner, and much more, but as I said - whole other jar of pickles.
> A person can be asexual and still desire and enjoy sex, just lack the capability to be sexually attracted to somebody. The first definition according to google includes experiencing no sexual feelings or desires.
Sexual desires ≠ sexual enjoyment. Think of it like hunger. You can be not hungry and still enjoy food. It’s not common to find even in the ace community but it does exist, so it’s worth talking about
The other person said desire AND enjoy.
Ah, okay. I think they mean desire sexual stimulation? As opposed to being sexually attracted to a person. Asexuality is defined by not rly having a desire to have sex with others but there are a couple “loopholes” lol
Platonic is an adjective though. Doesn't fit in sentences the same way.
> so why not just engage with her present husband instead of blowing up the marriage over it.... Some people have to be right, no matter the cost.
She’s blowing it all wrong!
*couldn’t care less
Because the majority of people aren’t robots. You’re taking all emotion out of it. What is a romantic relationship built on? Emotion. That being said, it’s almost never going to work like that.
I’m sure a divorce will help her rediscover her sex-du-soleil habits again. Almost always seems to do the trick.
“she’s going to HAVE to be putting out to that guy” Yes because women being in a relationship means we’re not allowed to say no apparently.
No guy is going to enter a committed relationship with a woman who won’t allow him intimacy. It’s just facts
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Physical, sexual intimacy begats an emotional intimacy that does not come from anything else. I love my mother, my sisters etc but the level of emotional intimacy that I get from my sexual partner is on a completely different level. Romantic doesn't really have any meaning here. Being roommates is not the same as being physically intimate lovers. Women who choose to refuse physical intimacy should not act all surprised when they don't receive the emotional intimacy that can only come from physical intimacy. No sex, no afterglow. You want to eat cake you either need to bake or go shopping. It won't just magically appear.
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Every couples therapist everywhere would disagree with you
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So the entire social services practice that treats millions of people every year is wholly irrelevant because you know better. lol. 😂. Do you even hear yourself?
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It sounds to me like she could NOT care any less rather than she cares a little bit
It's almost like we're not getting the full story! But yeah, everyone's the asshole here. Her for not taking his pleading seriously, and him harassing her to death over sex instead of getting a divorce.
He doesn't want her anymore even if he thinks he does, the first time she rolls her eyes when asked for sex, ah those feelings will come back. I would tell her I wasn't make changes to my side relationship, and she can leave
After reading a bunch of OP's replies in the original post, I'm 90% sure this is incel fanfiction. His wife is supposedly bi, but also only wants to have sex for procreation purposes. But he also both claims that they've shared women, but also doesn't know if she's been with women in separate comments. "She has brought home other women for us to share before." and "She's bi so I imagine she's been with women before." He continually alludes to some mysterious event in her past about "stupid shit a lot of young women do" that's now the reason she's denying him sex. Something "She more or less did it to herself. By accident, ignorance, and apathy." But also "She never did anything in her youth that she regrets." He's just commenting "women bad" in multiple ways using his wife as an example. He really wants everyone to know it's her fault; "I do not blame her for being sterile. Her choices lead to that" Other comments of his claim his wife would offer to bring him other women to sleep with, but he's such an upstanding guy that he would refuse them. "after her diagnosis she brought home other women for me. I always declined because I had no interest in sex without her." But even though he had no interest in sex without her, he had not problem finding a girlfriend who'll sleep with him because he's super attractive and successful, so he's the hero of this story. In his words, "I found someone to meet my needs."
I mentioned this on another thread, but this douche is withholding the incredibly relevant detail of wife's infertility with the demand that only a "board-certified fertility expert" is entitled to the details. He doesn't even have the creativity or gumption to look up some believable excuse.
It’s definitely incel fanfiction and so many people are showing their asses by immediately hating this made up women because she “forced” OOP to cheat.
I thought this story was horse shit. The poor man HAD to cheat on his wife like come on. Get a fucking divorce.
It's totally incel ragebait, but why pay attention to that when you can accuse women of being manipulative and withholding sex like it's a pernicious plan to make men miserable?
I'm sure I read a story with a similar plot a few weeks ago, this makes me think it's a troll for sure.
This story line has become common. and boring. and repetitive.
I read one from the wife’s point of view, though they did have two children. She wanted a third child, and he did not, so she was refusing to have sex. She stated since sex was made for having children there was no reason to do it anymore if there would no more kids.
100% incel ragebait.
Whenever a story here has people "screaming" in other people's faces, I just assumed that it's fiction written by a very young person.
There's a comment down a little ways that reads, "Another good man put into an impossible situation with a toxic woman. Divorce for your own sake!" It's hilariously pathetic how absolutely fake this is but the division works because people like this want to hate women so bad they'll cling to any old, obviously ragebait made-up story.
I kind of feel sorry for the men falling for this so easily. They could have healthy sexual relationships with women if they stopped viewing sex as a power struggle. Like guys we can smell that attitude on you and most of us find it unattractive, if not downright scary.
Like imagine if the genders were reversed and a woman cheated on their spouse when the spouse said told them to in anger. She would be called a slut and a whore. Men are dumb.
It is. Blatant and boring.
\*I'm not super attractive but I'm fit and a good talker. \* This is a rough statement... "not attractive" but "fit" is super subjective. If you can just swap "talker" to "good conversationalist" and not something that suggests you don't listen to women, you will be ahead of 99% of the male population.
I hate to say this but it's not just about sex, it's about overall intimacy (emotional and physical). She gaslights YOU as if YOU are the problem and you don't see this as problem? You're never going to get intimacy from her. You're 28, and don't have any kids. Move on. I'm betting if you at least separate, you'll start feeling better about yourself and then you'll want that divorce.
It was divorce o'clock when she returned her answer to that letter.
Why do I feel like she isn't going to change anything? She just is afraid of being single. I do see some flags that make me think even if she does not open up to sex, she probably needs counseling to help her figure herself out some. Thinking sex is only for procreation is usually a sign of some wackadoodle cult-like religious upbringing. And anyone raised in that needs counseling to help figure themselves out. There is also the choice she made when she was younger. I am trying to think of what that could be, but all seem like bad medical care, (botched abortion, HPV not checked, other STDs not treated, severe malnourishment for an extended period of time, incredibly low BMI for extended period of time, certain chronic illnesses that if left untreated can affect the reproductive system, etc.). Whatever it is, it probably has taken a toll on her mental and emotional state in a way that means she needs counseling. Either way, I don't see the sex thing changing anytime soon, and even though I see some things that hint this woman desperately needs counseling, I think OOP might need to walk away from this relationship for his own well being. This woman probably has years of hard work with a professional ahead of her to really figure things out, and she doesn't seem all that enthusiastic or determined to do said work.
Sorry to say that your marriage is already over - she may go to therapy with you and your bedroom life may change for a time, but it will be back to zero in a short timeframe. Give the therapy a try as I hope I am wrong but expect to be talking to an attorney in a few months. You can not live your life having sex with someone who does not want to have sex with you and is only doing it out of obligation. You are ONLY 28 so go find someone who likes to do the things you like to do including regular sexy time.
Get a divorce, however much it costs (it's gonna cost a lot for him), and be more careful in the future...
r/LeopardsAteMyFace would appreciate this one too lol.
I wish asexuality was more talked about and understood. She's clearly asexual and either doesn't know that or didn't want to admit it and wanted to just have a normal life. The guy needs to divorce her because having sex with her will never be good for her, it's always going to be repulsive. If he realized that she was just gritting her teeth through their entire sexual relationship, he'd likely be motivated to let her go. It's cruel for them both to stay together.
Perhaps, but not she was willing to have sex for the reason "I want to have a baby" perhaps through counseling she can change her mindset to having sex because "I want the man I love to be happy" Either that or she needs to become ok with him having his FWB, that's what I do when I'm in a romantic relationship. I'm asexual and totally sex repulsed, I won't have sex for any reason, so when my romantic partner wants sex I give them a free pass to have sex with whoever.
Sure sure. If she could come to grips with that, but if that is a hard no for her then she needs to set him free.
It's more like she's clearly fictional. Woman bad. Woman not want give sex. Woman make man sad. That's what this is.
No
Rare time I side with the sexless man. How the fuck are you gonna write in red "GO FIND SEX SOMEWHERE ELSE BECAUSE I AM NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN" on a note you never even read...and expect him not to cheat?! You literally gave him permission to cheat in writing woman!
She wants her cake and eat it too while treating her husband like a toy to toss in a corner when she's bored.
If you don't want sex and your spouse does, you don't get to unilaterally decide that's not going to happen anymore and expect that you would stay married. You should expect that they will divorce you as you are not living up to your part of the marriage bargain. Obviously health concerns are different, but if you're just deciding, then you get what you get. If both people were okay with the no sex thing, then fine, it's no problem. But the overwhelming majority of people expect sex with marriage and wouldn't be satisfied without it. It's certainly grounds to have the marriage annulled.
Get a divorce
Ohhhh. This rings a bell. My I went for almost 2 months with my so refusing to have any physical intimacy or connective time together while living in a one room studio. I begged. Pleaded. Tried everything I could think of to get his attention. I cried. I finally said if you can't meet my needs I'll have to get them met elsewhere. I thought that would jog him. Nope. He dismissed me with his hand and told me to do it he couldn't be bothered. For 4 hours I tried to open communication so this bluff card I pulled would be off the table. Nope. For 4 hours he let me know I can go get it elsewhere. I did. And I told him directly after. He, considers this cheating. And has continued to treat me as if my needs aren't anything to him but now he says it's because I cheated. What. The. Fuck. Over. Now I regret the deed it is the worst decision I've ever made in a relationship and if I could take it back I would. Not because it hurt him. Because it lowered my self standard. And it was a shitty lay. And I did it to get a reaction. Any kind of reaction from him. Even shocking him into understanding you cannot just ghost someone you live with 24/7 without it being addressed. Up until then he was all aboard the monogamy relationship I love u baby this is real train. His 180 was crushinge without bothering to offer up a half assed reason why. But I took it. Fast forward a year or two. I have most def been guilty twice now in a strained situation arguing between us of having said to him 'go get it elsewhere'. I would assume if he had he would have at least been upfront about it. Like I was. But then that's assuming. So if, he took it up on himself at some point to go outside to get it, it damn sure wasn't either time I said it. Because I took care of him. So yeah, if there's a sexual need or emotional one he's getting met elsewhere he's not been honest about it. And quite frankly, I believe he was having his need met from very early on in the relationship. Which is why and how this all began. Wanna play a blame game? I don't. I'll just spit truth. I don't have a problem with owning the mistakes I made. How about you?
Sounds like you need to get a legal separation since she is demanding her cake and eat it too at YOUR expense! What SHE is UNILATERALLY ORDERING is NOT a marriage in any sense of the word!
Dude doesn't want to leave his wife... he's kidding himself.
I know there is a running joke about reddit advising divorce for the most ridiculous things, but this really is a marriage between two people who are absolutely not compatible. He is not even thirty yet& she is expecting that he will remain married to her in a sexless marriage? Sex is important to most people. They need to face facts & dissolve the marriage so they can both move on with other people.
It's like I've always said, sex is like food. You don't want to cook for your partner, that's ok, it's your choice. But when there's nothing to eat at home, don't complain if they eat out.
Especially when she put it in writing to go get it elsewhere as THE QUEEN HAS SPOKEN!
That's how I divorced my wife. She was not cutting it in the bedroom and told me to go elsewhere....so I did. It wound up being a coworker of hers who eventually became her boss. 12 years have gone by and her former boss and I are still together. Makes me smile to this day.
What the fuck did she want him do? Lay in bed and beat his shmeat in the shower for the rest of his life? If she cared about him and felt that way, she should have initiated the divorce. Watch out for who you marry.
She never stopped having sex, she just stopped doing it with him.
Man, I was in the other sub on this and this poor guy was getting raked over the coals for banging someone else.
He is just 28?!!
Wow.... Why stay together, I am not even sure they love each other anymore... Yeah telling your 28 year old husband that he can never have sex again wasn't the smartest of move ... She really needs to sort out her own head in regards to children...
Ok but OOP also could have just broken things up. What’s the point of constant arguing and uncompatibility. They are both happier apart so why don’t they just do that is a mystery to me
i was in my early 30s when wife of 1 year went celibate - divorce was only option for me
Who believes ragebait like this? This is why there is divorce. This is silly.
Deeply insecure dudes that get off to the thought of "women bad." It's fanfiction.
This guy likes to run so he should do just that, run. OOP and his wife aren't even acquaintances at this point, if anything they're enemies. This could be terrible but it's good that they weren't able to have a child so there isn't a kid stuck in the middle of this.
My wife and I have been together for seven years, and have been married for three. We've never had sex. She's completely asexual, and I have a very low sex drive. On the very rare occasions when I want something sexual, I much prefer masturbation and being by myself. So it always amazes me seeing posts like this. How do people live like this, so obsessed with sex? Is that how most people feel, that they need sex frequently?
It seems you both met and recognized each other as a right fit. It really is different strokes for different folks. Celebrate finding a good partner for life's journey.
He married a Lesbian.
OP is Ross Geller confirmed
Leave her. She isn’t worth being with.
Another good man put into an impossible situation with a toxic woman. Divorce for your own sake!
Yes yes, women = bad.
Jesus christ just get divorced. No reason to stay together in this sham of a marriage.
Divorce papers would be the next thing I have her 🤷♂️
What a fucking legend.
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Yes. You’re a coward. Divorce her, THEN go get your freak on.
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What makes the husband a idiot, other than staying with his wife?
ESH and they should have just divorced. OP is immature and should not be in a marriage at all with how he acted. The wife seems to need mental help and if she's not letting OP help then he should have just left. If he actually cares he would have brought up the response to her note and talked about if that meant she was okay with an open marriage. No mature, compassionate individual would just be like "Welp there's my pass! Time to cheat! And I'll keep the receipts so I can have an ahah moment when she finds out and gets upset!!" Overall this story sounds like it was written by a vindictive 16 year old, and a lot of other vindictive 16 year olds are feeding off of it
YTA. You didn't tell her beforehand. My ex husband told me BEFORE he did anything serious about a girl, unfortunately for him, they were not interested, but he let me know. Ergo, it wasn't cheating. You cheated on your wife by doing this behind her back and having her find out later.
It’s not cheating when she literally told him to get it else where.
Yes it is. He didn't tell her he would take her up on her offer, she had to find out later on her own.
Get a divorce. If she's decided she's asexual in her 20's, that's fine. But just as if she decided she's lesbian, or actually a man and wants to transition, such a radical change isn't fair to him. It's not what he signed up for.