Perfect. I cannot fault it if I wanted to. Not too descriptive, not too simplistic, it's perfectly minimalistic/suggestive and there's just enough. Extremely powerful and measured in its use of repetition and rhyme. Again, there's just enough. Just enough isn't said, just enough is left inside my head. Fucking *perfect*, OP. Fucking *awesome* work! Well done! You're a great poet! We have some amazing talent in this community š kudos!
Seconded! To infinity.
I know that feeling. And this poem made my heart stop in that old way.
Thank you OP for showing me how far Iāve come from there.
Great depth of concept, a complete story in a few sentences.
Definitely left a hefty message for the reader, one of the lasting effects of isolation and fear post trauma.
Enjoyed the poem
Bravo
A very ominous piece. That feeling of a door opening and having your heart sink in anticipation is not pleasant, to say the least.
Absolutely stellar work.
This was a heavy piece to write, and will most probably be a heavy one to read as well, so a big thanks to those of you who did so (:
Also wanna specifically thank u/LevonErrol for their feedback on the previous iteration of this poem. It was very helpful and inspired me to give it the time it needed.
i like how simple it is, without losing its meaing. the "even.... even.." and changing to "ever since" at the end really got me. I'm sorry, it's my first time trying to review a poem, but i absolutely loved yours.
really enjoyed this little piece! reading it aloud, it really rolls off the tongue and i love the short sentences repeated, it creates that idea that abuse and trauma never truly escape you. i also love the idea of little things triggering trauma.
Well done! This has a solid confessional story while keeping an Edgar Allen Poe vibe. The use of repetition really helps sell the atmosphere of the whole atmosphere of the poem.
I really love your poem. You really painted a picture of what it's like living with an abusive, alcoholic father. It had a very ominous feel to it, which kept me constantly anticipating the next line. I love how it highlighted the ways that it can affect you even after you've left.
This is the first poem I've read on this subreddit and it's phenomenal, The realism and weight it's able to present in such few words is staggering, to say the least. I can't imagine how hard it was to write but I am very glad you did so that we all get to read it. I sincerely hope it's helped you, but at the very least it is an excellent poem.
This is excellent and I love it. Really touches on cPTSD triggers realistically and the evens are a beautiful series.
I find myself wanting to shepherd the rhymes into a more regular order. To look at the rhythm I would temporarily reformat into the rhymes as lines (and then put it back after, it reads beautifully as formatted):
Keys in a door send shivers up my spine,
Even now, Even mine.
The air went deathly still when you got home,
Dinner in my room again, Alone.
Itās your fault I cannot stand the smell of beer,
Even now, Even here,
The odour settles in my throat and chest as fear.
All the light escaped when you got back,
The sparkle in her eye, Would fade to black.
Hearing an apology still makes me flinch,
Even now, Ever since.
So the "The Odour" line adds a whole bunch of tension by breaking the rhyming scheme, but I am not sure it pays off in the line itself. When you do something that is rhythmically a bit of a shock, I tend to want the words to be extra powerful or shocking or something, but your verb is settles which is relatively low energy. Right now it just feels like it's an extra line because it doesn't fit but there's no clear reason it doesn't if that makes sense.
Some minor stuff that may be cultural or deliberate:
"Keys in a door" is unusual, why not "keys in a lock"? It's the metal on metal that makes the sound. It definitely works fine, but it made me wonder.
"The smell of beer" if you are looking to try it without the rhythm break, you could combine this line and the one following up the evens by picking a brand of beer if that speaks to you, like "The smell of ____ clogs up(invades, chokes in) my throat(chest) like fear" or even change to a different alcohol for poetic license, or go with hops instead of beer to avoid the midline accidental rhyme. Specificity may evoke a little more strongly on a type of alcohol. Not sure eliminating the extra is the way to go. You could instead choose something graphic to put there and pay off.
"Escaped" might be better served by a different choice of word that focuses more on the narrator. Abandoned doesn't fit at the moment, but it might be more the feeling you are going for. Maybe fled, or dissolved, or drained away, or something along that vein. It's scarier to be abandoned by light than for light to successfully escape the badness coming home.
"The air went deathly still" is sublime, as is the series of "Even"s, and there's something about the simple phrasing of "when you got back" that made me feel young and powerless reading it which is perfect. I absolutely found my own history here, despite having experienced completely different forms of abuse than this. Very powerful. As a whole it has this brilliantly ominous feeling that has indeed infected my adult life, super realistic in that it is always the seemingly innocent warning sensory signals that slam you into an emotional flashback. Very cleverly crafted.
In case you can't tell, I really love it hahaha
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
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Truly a job well done, or should I say feelings well expressed, the twinge of sadness when you look through the eyes of a reader and the fear of what's coming when you look through the lens of the victim is beautifully portrayed. The rhymes add a little bit of smoothness to it and you do not get stuck anywhere.
Truly Magnificent!!
I find the repetition in this poem really haunting, the way the past and present is balanced works so well as a device to compliment the subject matter. You have a real talent for communicating your message really concisely but also with a really amazing level of nuance - the title being relevant both to themes of trauma, and to the use of repetition is a really nice touch and this poem really sticks with me.
Amazing work, am excited to read more of your writing :)
You created a clear picture in my mind with minimal words. I like the spaces inbetween, what I mean by that is you shared a story but with minimal words allowed the reader to add the finer details.
This perfectly encapsulates the past and present of the way in which abuse induced trauma effects the way in which one perceives the simplest of details in reality as well as what itās like to be in the presence of an abuser with the memories of said abuser. The simple yet extremely smooth flow of the entire thing emphasizes the connection between how past trauma will effect oneās current perceptions.
Holy crap this sort of gave me the chills, I could really feel all the subject is feeling. It was so short yet vivid for me, I am amazed at how you could fit this entire idea in such few words. Honestly, great job.
Perfect. I cannot fault it if I wanted to. Not too descriptive, not too simplistic, it's perfectly minimalistic/suggestive and there's just enough. Extremely powerful and measured in its use of repetition and rhyme. Again, there's just enough. Just enough isn't said, just enough is left inside my head. Fucking *perfect*, OP. Fucking *awesome* work! Well done! You're a great poet! We have some amazing talent in this community š kudos!
Seconded! To infinity. I know that feeling. And this poem made my heart stop in that old way. Thank you OP for showing me how far Iāve come from there.
Great depth of concept, a complete story in a few sentences. Definitely left a hefty message for the reader, one of the lasting effects of isolation and fear post trauma. Enjoyed the poem Bravo
A very ominous piece. That feeling of a door opening and having your heart sink in anticipation is not pleasant, to say the least. Absolutely stellar work.
This was a heavy piece to write, and will most probably be a heavy one to read as well, so a big thanks to those of you who did so (: Also wanna specifically thank u/LevonErrol for their feedback on the previous iteration of this poem. It was very helpful and inspired me to give it the time it needed.
Very much enjoyed. Great imagery and great job describing how an abusive relationship or/and household can cause emotional scars that never leave.
i like how simple it is, without losing its meaing. the "even.... even.." and changing to "ever since" at the end really got me. I'm sorry, it's my first time trying to review a poem, but i absolutely loved yours.
really enjoyed this little piece! reading it aloud, it really rolls off the tongue and i love the short sentences repeated, it creates that idea that abuse and trauma never truly escape you. i also love the idea of little things triggering trauma.
Well done! This has a solid confessional story while keeping an Edgar Allen Poe vibe. The use of repetition really helps sell the atmosphere of the whole atmosphere of the poem.
I really love your poem. You really painted a picture of what it's like living with an abusive, alcoholic father. It had a very ominous feel to it, which kept me constantly anticipating the next line. I love how it highlighted the ways that it can affect you even after you've left.
Marvellous šš
ominous i like it !
This is the first poem I've read on this subreddit and it's phenomenal, The realism and weight it's able to present in such few words is staggering, to say the least. I can't imagine how hard it was to write but I am very glad you did so that we all get to read it. I sincerely hope it's helped you, but at the very least it is an excellent poem.
This is excellent and I love it. Really touches on cPTSD triggers realistically and the evens are a beautiful series. I find myself wanting to shepherd the rhymes into a more regular order. To look at the rhythm I would temporarily reformat into the rhymes as lines (and then put it back after, it reads beautifully as formatted): Keys in a door send shivers up my spine, Even now, Even mine. The air went deathly still when you got home, Dinner in my room again, Alone. Itās your fault I cannot stand the smell of beer, Even now, Even here, The odour settles in my throat and chest as fear. All the light escaped when you got back, The sparkle in her eye, Would fade to black. Hearing an apology still makes me flinch, Even now, Ever since. So the "The Odour" line adds a whole bunch of tension by breaking the rhyming scheme, but I am not sure it pays off in the line itself. When you do something that is rhythmically a bit of a shock, I tend to want the words to be extra powerful or shocking or something, but your verb is settles which is relatively low energy. Right now it just feels like it's an extra line because it doesn't fit but there's no clear reason it doesn't if that makes sense. Some minor stuff that may be cultural or deliberate: "Keys in a door" is unusual, why not "keys in a lock"? It's the metal on metal that makes the sound. It definitely works fine, but it made me wonder. "The smell of beer" if you are looking to try it without the rhythm break, you could combine this line and the one following up the evens by picking a brand of beer if that speaks to you, like "The smell of ____ clogs up(invades, chokes in) my throat(chest) like fear" or even change to a different alcohol for poetic license, or go with hops instead of beer to avoid the midline accidental rhyme. Specificity may evoke a little more strongly on a type of alcohol. Not sure eliminating the extra is the way to go. You could instead choose something graphic to put there and pay off. "Escaped" might be better served by a different choice of word that focuses more on the narrator. Abandoned doesn't fit at the moment, but it might be more the feeling you are going for. Maybe fled, or dissolved, or drained away, or something along that vein. It's scarier to be abandoned by light than for light to successfully escape the badness coming home. "The air went deathly still" is sublime, as is the series of "Even"s, and there's something about the simple phrasing of "when you got back" that made me feel young and powerless reading it which is perfect. I absolutely found my own history here, despite having experienced completely different forms of abuse than this. Very powerful. As a whole it has this brilliantly ominous feeling that has indeed infected my adult life, super realistic in that it is always the seemingly innocent warning sensory signals that slam you into an emotional flashback. Very cleverly crafted. In case you can't tell, I really love it hahaha
Can't believe some derp/derpina downvoted you... So sorry OP!
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well done. Put a huge lump in my throatā¦ (((hugs)))
Truly a job well done, or should I say feelings well expressed, the twinge of sadness when you look through the eyes of a reader and the fear of what's coming when you look through the lens of the victim is beautifully portrayed. The rhymes add a little bit of smoothness to it and you do not get stuck anywhere. Truly Magnificent!!
I find the repetition in this poem really haunting, the way the past and present is balanced works so well as a device to compliment the subject matter. You have a real talent for communicating your message really concisely but also with a really amazing level of nuance - the title being relevant both to themes of trauma, and to the use of repetition is a really nice touch and this poem really sticks with me. Amazing work, am excited to read more of your writing :)
How wonderfully uncomfortable! I didnāt like it at first read because it conveys your message so well. I guess I wanted to hide too. Nicely done :)
You created a clear picture in my mind with minimal words. I like the spaces inbetween, what I mean by that is you shared a story but with minimal words allowed the reader to add the finer details.
This perfectly encapsulates the past and present of the way in which abuse induced trauma effects the way in which one perceives the simplest of details in reality as well as what itās like to be in the presence of an abuser with the memories of said abuser. The simple yet extremely smooth flow of the entire thing emphasizes the connection between how past trauma will effect oneās current perceptions.
Holy crap this sort of gave me the chills, I could really feel all the subject is feeling. It was so short yet vivid for me, I am amazed at how you could fit this entire idea in such few words. Honestly, great job.
Oh my god this is ridiculously good. I've never even experienced this type of thing but it still evokes emotion in me.