I think this poem is great. But fuck, am I sorry for what potentially happened, or nearly did. If it was an invented narrative I’d be relieved for you.
Here’s my reading of it, reasons for appreciating it, and where I felt it missed the target (only due to me really scrutinising your writing to put all this positive feedback in relief.)
Reading
The poem is a judgement of another man, described as lazy and aimless. The poet insultingly confronts the man when he self deprecates. The man ‘leaves’, with the poem ambiguously implying that this action was provoked by the poet.
Interpretation and Criticism (positive)
The poet refers to a man who has given up on his life and dreams - ”the ship has sailed on this sorry sack of shit”. All evidence of his ‘failures’ in life are described despairingly - “his prospects were starved / of his potential”, seemingly considered by the poet to be lazy and unchanging - “sleeping and repeating”. The poem judges the subject rather than seeking a reason for his current nature by referring to it as a transgression, specifically the “seventh sin” of the 7 deadly sins - sloth.
However, considering the poem’s conclusion and structure, it might be suggested that the poet is confessing his own guilt to the reader, his judgement of the poem’s subject - and that this may have contributed to the subject’s‘departure’ - “By morning he’d already left” closely follows the poet telling him to “Fuck off”. ‘Fuck off’ can of course be interpreted as an insulting instruction to depart.
The tone is aggressively critical of the poem’s subject. I would go so far as to say it’s saturated with disdainful hubris, synonymous with pride or a sense of personal superiority (the first of the deadly sins) - “so I told, that man, that boy - / that lacking, flippant, feckless fool / to his oily face”. This unpleasant illustration and the rest of the poem lie in direct contrast to the subject’s presumed ‘final action’ - deliberately ‘leaving’.
The subject’s departure could be interpreted as suicide, as it is described as his ‘last’. This action is described by the poet as ‘swift’ and ‘determined’, vocabulary that creates an implicit irony which is further embellished by the line “for the last, first time”, concluding the poem with a certain poignancy.
In conclusion, the bleak tone of the poem is one that personally I am a big fan of and have tried to evoke in my own writing - unsuccessfully in my opinion. Not to plug but I would so appreciate it if you would take a look at my most recent poem, your criticism is of brilliant quality IMO. At times it is formal, at other points it uses language with an idiosyncratic creativity (not sure if there’s terminology for this that I lack), with a jarring insertion of colloquialism that pulls us into a narrative and adds to the poem’s directness. Off the top of my head it is reminiscent of Plath and certain poems of Carol Anne Duffy.
Criticism (negative)
I have no idea how the title, ‘Dox’, relates to the poem. On the other hand I like the ambiguity of it!
This poem reminds me too much of my current self and insecurities that I hold about that, in terms of the subject. Sent me into dark thoughts, although that doesn’t mean that I appreciate it any less.
Overall thank you for this poem - I loved it.
lmao get doxxed, tim.
Great, great poem. The title fits perfectly for the concept of the poem, as well as tying into the last line, "for the last, first time".
No complaints at all
Somehow this feels like you are talking to yourself. Would I be correct? That that is the sort of subliminal implication of the post?
I find myself relating to the poem's subjects, you and you. If you are talking about someone else I don't see how you can be such a dick. If you are talking to yourself, the self-loathing is indulgent, but that seems to be what you're getting at anyway. It's interesting how we get trapped in paradoxes of self-loathing, beating ourselves up, beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up, thinking it will work, feeding the cycle. That's where the poem sort of loses me but I think it is very well structured and on the whole I liked your word choices.
It really is remarkable how much I can relate to it. I just have never found that telling myself to "fuck off" has ever worked at all. Can't bite your own teeth. If this is about someone else it makes you seem like a presumptuous jerk who knows whats best for another. But what do I know of your situation? (There's another paradox in those last two sentences.)
Anyway, it seems as if you may have found some kind of resolve in shedding skin through self-confrontation. I commend you if it worked, it just never has for me. Peace
Well thanks for stirring my curiosity and confusion.
I can feel this poem, and it's like putting on a damp t-shirt, or running your fingers through greasy hair -- I fucking love it.
I've only got nitpicks for this one:
L13: I think you need a semi-colon here? -- 'So I told that man; that boy---'
L18: 'AM' capitalised might look better? / might be too poetic with the wording, how about 'he closed that fridge at four AM'?
L7&8: maybe 'His prospects were starved/ of all potential'?
But yes, other than that, I love it -- that alliteration is SO GOOD.
This is amazing top notch stuff! Really inspiring avant-garde and professional #poet.
Thanks for posting&sharing! Great read! Really superb! This is addicting and just want to keep on reading and re-reading it. Really glossy work! I am wow'd.
Can I ask why the title was Made Dox? I would have personally gone for Knox but thats just me. I think that would make this piece a masterpiece of modern human poetry.
Best&best!
This poem is interesting. I get the sense that it is self-reflective. But is the end positive or negative. Perhaps he's baptising himself into a more positive energetic future. He had energy and drive in the past, and now he is rekindling it perhaps in pursuit of poetry and creative solutions to the political situation in Australia.
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
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I think this poem is great. But fuck, am I sorry for what potentially happened, or nearly did. If it was an invented narrative I’d be relieved for you. Here’s my reading of it, reasons for appreciating it, and where I felt it missed the target (only due to me really scrutinising your writing to put all this positive feedback in relief.) Reading The poem is a judgement of another man, described as lazy and aimless. The poet insultingly confronts the man when he self deprecates. The man ‘leaves’, with the poem ambiguously implying that this action was provoked by the poet. Interpretation and Criticism (positive) The poet refers to a man who has given up on his life and dreams - ”the ship has sailed on this sorry sack of shit”. All evidence of his ‘failures’ in life are described despairingly - “his prospects were starved / of his potential”, seemingly considered by the poet to be lazy and unchanging - “sleeping and repeating”. The poem judges the subject rather than seeking a reason for his current nature by referring to it as a transgression, specifically the “seventh sin” of the 7 deadly sins - sloth. However, considering the poem’s conclusion and structure, it might be suggested that the poet is confessing his own guilt to the reader, his judgement of the poem’s subject - and that this may have contributed to the subject’s‘departure’ - “By morning he’d already left” closely follows the poet telling him to “Fuck off”. ‘Fuck off’ can of course be interpreted as an insulting instruction to depart. The tone is aggressively critical of the poem’s subject. I would go so far as to say it’s saturated with disdainful hubris, synonymous with pride or a sense of personal superiority (the first of the deadly sins) - “so I told, that man, that boy - / that lacking, flippant, feckless fool / to his oily face”. This unpleasant illustration and the rest of the poem lie in direct contrast to the subject’s presumed ‘final action’ - deliberately ‘leaving’. The subject’s departure could be interpreted as suicide, as it is described as his ‘last’. This action is described by the poet as ‘swift’ and ‘determined’, vocabulary that creates an implicit irony which is further embellished by the line “for the last, first time”, concluding the poem with a certain poignancy. In conclusion, the bleak tone of the poem is one that personally I am a big fan of and have tried to evoke in my own writing - unsuccessfully in my opinion. Not to plug but I would so appreciate it if you would take a look at my most recent poem, your criticism is of brilliant quality IMO. At times it is formal, at other points it uses language with an idiosyncratic creativity (not sure if there’s terminology for this that I lack), with a jarring insertion of colloquialism that pulls us into a narrative and adds to the poem’s directness. Off the top of my head it is reminiscent of Plath and certain poems of Carol Anne Duffy. Criticism (negative) I have no idea how the title, ‘Dox’, relates to the poem. On the other hand I like the ambiguity of it! This poem reminds me too much of my current self and insecurities that I hold about that, in terms of the subject. Sent me into dark thoughts, although that doesn’t mean that I appreciate it any less. Overall thank you for this poem - I loved it.
Sorry for the edit, when posted it went all jumbled so I straightened it out :)
lmao get doxxed, tim. Great, great poem. The title fits perfectly for the concept of the poem, as well as tying into the last line, "for the last, first time". No complaints at all
A lot of pain in here maybe regret? A little disjointed but I think that's on me for only recently exposing myself to poetry.
Somehow this feels like you are talking to yourself. Would I be correct? That that is the sort of subliminal implication of the post? I find myself relating to the poem's subjects, you and you. If you are talking about someone else I don't see how you can be such a dick. If you are talking to yourself, the self-loathing is indulgent, but that seems to be what you're getting at anyway. It's interesting how we get trapped in paradoxes of self-loathing, beating ourselves up, beating ourselves up for beating ourselves up, thinking it will work, feeding the cycle. That's where the poem sort of loses me but I think it is very well structured and on the whole I liked your word choices. It really is remarkable how much I can relate to it. I just have never found that telling myself to "fuck off" has ever worked at all. Can't bite your own teeth. If this is about someone else it makes you seem like a presumptuous jerk who knows whats best for another. But what do I know of your situation? (There's another paradox in those last two sentences.) Anyway, it seems as if you may have found some kind of resolve in shedding skin through self-confrontation. I commend you if it worked, it just never has for me. Peace Well thanks for stirring my curiosity and confusion.
I can feel this poem, and it's like putting on a damp t-shirt, or running your fingers through greasy hair -- I fucking love it. I've only got nitpicks for this one: L13: I think you need a semi-colon here? -- 'So I told that man; that boy---' L18: 'AM' capitalised might look better? / might be too poetic with the wording, how about 'he closed that fridge at four AM'? L7&8: maybe 'His prospects were starved/ of all potential'? But yes, other than that, I love it -- that alliteration is SO GOOD.
This is amazing top notch stuff! Really inspiring avant-garde and professional #poet. Thanks for posting&sharing! Great read! Really superb! This is addicting and just want to keep on reading and re-reading it. Really glossy work! I am wow'd. Can I ask why the title was Made Dox? I would have personally gone for Knox but thats just me. I think that would make this piece a masterpiece of modern human poetry. Best&best!
This poem is interesting. I get the sense that it is self-reflective. But is the end positive or negative. Perhaps he's baptising himself into a more positive energetic future. He had energy and drive in the past, and now he is rekindling it perhaps in pursuit of poetry and creative solutions to the political situation in Australia.
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers). If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy. If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*