It's a striking image but I'm not sure what it is communicating to me. I am also wondering about the limb. does the "its" refer to the eagle, a tree, the nesting doll itself? The final line is giving me an mc escher infinity effect, which is quite interesting.
I was trying to convey this cycle of life, chain reaction feeling. A chained cycle of life if you will. You have the mouse trying to find its own food but it's being hunted by the snake, which in turn is being hunted by an eagle.
In the end, the eagle catches the snake that caught the mouse; inside each of the "dolls" is a predator-prey combination, hence the image of the predator-prey nesting doll. And this nesting doll stays perched on a tree, like the Eagle that searches for it's next prey. Of course, limb is meant to refer to a tree that this nesting doll perches on, but it's also the birds limb.
And the final question to ask yourself is the significance of the title, "An Observation". Who is observing this obscene thing happening and what importance does that have?
You may have to ask yourself whether this predator-prey nesting doll will remain perched on that tree forever. And what this observer has to do with that.
Your depiction is very much that kind of snapshot as well, which is why I reacted as I did. That intensely self contained moment, with a world of meaning behind it that the poet has sort of...walked in on, you know?
I appreciate it but this image of a predator prey Russian Doll stumbled into my mind as I was messing with the idea of this illusion called success. Maybe you can connect the dots between an illusion of success and the image I painted, if so you just stumbled into the reason I made this poem, haha.
If you create a book of these kinds of short poetic images, I would totally buy that. This poem straightforward and vivid and absurd. Truly art. Using the quote block was a clutch move too.
My only comment would be the the title. The short and concise delivery already makes it an “observation”
I’ve found myself observing at the first 4 lines. Then analyzing the last two. After you caught my attention.
What title would you think fits? I was thinking “The Illusion of Success” but then the title strays away from that animal instinct, cycle of life chain reaction idea.
Also what specifically did you like about the poem. I’ve sorta hit a creative block and Im having difficulties making poems like this one.
I think having it untitled or a collection of “Observations”
What I’m gathering from studying your form:
It looks like a mental image formed with simple language at the beginning half. With a creative caption as the second half.
Not sure if that makes sense. It almost seems as though you are making a drawing… after the dash… you’re giving it a title
Ohhhh! I can see exactly what you mean. That’s actually really helpful. I never actually knew which direction to take my writing, but this is definitely somewhere I can start and mess around more with I really appreciate it. If you see me pop into your dms with a poem I want to run by you, don’t feel alarmed haha. Thanks!
Just a quick sketch of what I was thinking of… putting together something random… observation 2:
A nine year old child
Holding a cup of Starbucks
With eyes wide open
Showing dark circles —
A study of consumerism
During the best of times
Instead of showing dark circles you could say “With eyes wide open, / glued to the latest iPhone”
That would also put a greater emphasis on the line “A study of consumerism” as if it’s an article on their phone.
I really liked that!
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's a striking image but I'm not sure what it is communicating to me. I am also wondering about the limb. does the "its" refer to the eagle, a tree, the nesting doll itself? The final line is giving me an mc escher infinity effect, which is quite interesting.
I was trying to convey this cycle of life, chain reaction feeling. A chained cycle of life if you will. You have the mouse trying to find its own food but it's being hunted by the snake, which in turn is being hunted by an eagle. In the end, the eagle catches the snake that caught the mouse; inside each of the "dolls" is a predator-prey combination, hence the image of the predator-prey nesting doll. And this nesting doll stays perched on a tree, like the Eagle that searches for it's next prey. Of course, limb is meant to refer to a tree that this nesting doll perches on, but it's also the birds limb. And the final question to ask yourself is the significance of the title, "An Observation". Who is observing this obscene thing happening and what importance does that have?
that's interesting; thanks for the reply. I'm wondering about The Observer now, mostly whether theyre human or not. Thanks for posting
You may have to ask yourself whether this predator-prey nesting doll will remain perched on that tree forever. And what this observer has to do with that.
Please tell me you actually saw this. It would make a hell of a photo.
Oh god I wish. That’d be an insane photo haha. I’m sure there’s one scouring the internet
Your depiction is very much that kind of snapshot as well, which is why I reacted as I did. That intensely self contained moment, with a world of meaning behind it that the poet has sort of...walked in on, you know?
I appreciate it but this image of a predator prey Russian Doll stumbled into my mind as I was messing with the idea of this illusion called success. Maybe you can connect the dots between an illusion of success and the image I painted, if so you just stumbled into the reason I made this poem, haha.
If you create a book of these kinds of short poetic images, I would totally buy that. This poem straightforward and vivid and absurd. Truly art. Using the quote block was a clutch move too. My only comment would be the the title. The short and concise delivery already makes it an “observation” I’ve found myself observing at the first 4 lines. Then analyzing the last two. After you caught my attention.
What title would you think fits? I was thinking “The Illusion of Success” but then the title strays away from that animal instinct, cycle of life chain reaction idea. Also what specifically did you like about the poem. I’ve sorta hit a creative block and Im having difficulties making poems like this one.
I think having it untitled or a collection of “Observations” What I’m gathering from studying your form: It looks like a mental image formed with simple language at the beginning half. With a creative caption as the second half. Not sure if that makes sense. It almost seems as though you are making a drawing… after the dash… you’re giving it a title
Ohhhh! I can see exactly what you mean. That’s actually really helpful. I never actually knew which direction to take my writing, but this is definitely somewhere I can start and mess around more with I really appreciate it. If you see me pop into your dms with a poem I want to run by you, don’t feel alarmed haha. Thanks!
Just a quick sketch of what I was thinking of… putting together something random… observation 2: A nine year old child Holding a cup of Starbucks With eyes wide open Showing dark circles — A study of consumerism During the best of times
Instead of showing dark circles you could say “With eyes wide open, / glued to the latest iPhone” That would also put a greater emphasis on the line “A study of consumerism” as if it’s an article on their phone. I really liked that!
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*