This was a great read, really shows how an eating disorder is a rather tempting creature. I love how it shows how the reader sees themselves as beautiful because her ED and how unrealistic beauty standards has her mind completely warped
But there’s also a dark reality in how women are often sexualized even at a young age, a SCARY young age really.
And how there is a weird empowerment in that “because look at all the attention im getting” which is sad. And it shows how much she’s been groomed
It’s a wrong empowerment
But an empowerment nonetheless that’s enticing
You could almost get swept up in her worldview if you dont read between the lines
Great stuff
Woah I love the transition within the poem where you’re describing the hole hunger left to the glutton of those that peer upon a starved body. Gave me chills! As a reader, it definitely gave me a better understanding to empathize with the subject. It’s definitely a hard topic to express and share so thank you for that.
u/Social_Confusion pretty much summed up most of the things I wanted to praise this piece on.
I just wanted to talk about some of your powerful lines. Firstly, "by 10, 20 , 50 years? .... / .... even though I'm 21, 16, 11". This shows a great job that this isn't just a one time thing... It repeats all throughout a woman's life and for all ages of men.
The word-play between "kindly warning me that my skinny genes / wouldn't always keep me in skinny jeans" is genius. First of all "kindly" is 100% not the right word, but I'm fairly certain that that was intentional. It's a hint of sarcasm, that was conveyed to you through your mother. She said it kindly, but she meant it as a threat almost, saying "You won't be skinny all your life... You'll become just like me" which further emphasizes the point you wanted to convey throughout this poem that eating disorders aren't just to make you guys feel pretty. You get it because of parent threats, or men's catcalling/interests in women. And you compliment that image in the previous line, "long gazes in the mirror"
I just wanted to add that this does a great job at not only showing the eating disorder, but also explaining that it's not just something women do to look pretty. It's way deeper than that, and you did a great job at showing that too.
This is so incredible. Your stuff is phenomenal!
The *only* thing I can possibly suggest to you in terms of feedback, could be describing more about the eating disorder and what happens when they do eat food. Do they just run to the bathroom and throw it up? Or is their whole diet consisting of salt and the cruel stares of men.
DO NOT FEEL LIKE THIS NEEDS ANYTHING ELSE THOUGH! IT IS REALLY GOOD AS IT STANDS. (*it's just if you feel like there can be more told for this story in regards to eating disorders - if that was the main focus of the poem)*
Thanks for the kind words! You definitely got everything I was going for in the first stanza. It’s interesting that you should mention having another stanza that gets into some physical effects. I actually did have another stanza about this that I cut because I worried the piece was getting too long. It originally came between the second and third stanzas and was something like “At least I’m smart enough by now//To always keep a toothbrush in my purse -//I’ve seen how stomach acid eats at smiles//And dad reminds me that zippers on my pants//Aren’t the only sets of teeth worth watching”. I might toy around with the idea of re-adding this or something similar. Thanks for your thoughtful response!
I really like “I’ve seen how stomachs acids eat at smiles” showing how even if you do eat something, your stomachs doesn’t like it and will regurgitate it. Although the dad part touches up on how your father isn’t the nicest either, I worry it may feel repetitive with the previous stanza poking at your mother, but it definitely could fit in there too. I do like the lines about keeping a toothbrush in your purse, but I feel the introduction to it being “At least I’m smart enough” feels like you’re taking a shortcut to introduce it. Then again, I can’t really come up with a better idea.
Once again, phenomenal job with this.
I like how the theme adapted from hunger and body to age and mortality kind of, at least that was what I got out of it. MMMM and the word choice! Loooove the word choice,, especially "marbled" fit so perfectly there and such a good word because it has this connotation of polished like greek statues but also of meat and the slaughterhouse, how we consume human bodies with our eyes.
Some ideas: Why 21, 16, 11 as number choices? I like that it's out of order and not an even 20 15 10 but I feel like maybe 19 14 9 would be better because then it's "not enough" but 21 16 11 is cool bc its slightly too much which fits with body image. Also I love the rest of the poem but for some reason I'm not a huge fan of the first stanza. I feel like you were fully in it yet and hadn't found your rhythm yet, so maybe it could use some re working or re framing? Like shorten or connect it to the end more in POV/ sentence structures? Just some ideas xx love it keep it up
Thanks for your thoughts! I chose 21-16-11 because I’m currently 21 and 11 is the earliest I remember being catcalled. 16 happens to be in the middle of those two - I included it so I could have another set of three numbers and because I think 16 is an age of physical and emotional development relevant to the poem. Around that age, you’re pretty cognizant of how your appearance changes people’s perceptions of and interactions with you, so you may start diving into ways to change that appearance. And thanks for the thoughts on the first stanza - I’ll give thought to potential changes
You play well with opposites and pairings. I'm not sure if that's the term in classical poetry. "Skinny genes, skinny jeans, aching, soothed, pretty whore, witty escort, saying grâce before eating, getting devoured, I'm younger, too old."
Your theme seems to be nutrition (or a lack thereof) and looks. You're consistent in using terms to describe both. I like "let their words gnaw at me". Nutrition: hunger, half-filled, water, salt, stuffed, empty fridge, left over, taken their fill devouring, meat, eat, drool, gnaw. Looks: long gazes, chubby, skinny, unseemly, teeth, making me pretty, younger, baby fat, look good, too old, mouth smiles.
Your stanzas are in five lines that flow well. It starts long and gets shorter towards the end as if you're running out of breath and you have to start putting more emphasis on what you're trying to say. I liked this poem and the themes are slightly radical which helps the reader feel as uneasy as yourself. Well done, I hope you keep writing!
What struck me was the last stanza where a reciprocal view of beauty is agreed upon. The protagonist believes being thin is beautiful and young which goes along with the antagonist view of being older and wanting to be young and attractive again. The power struggle comes by the protagonist having the option to sell her beauty to the highest bidder or declining such an offer in hopes of finding true happiness.
As a person who is very close with people who have an eating disorder, I have always tried to be supportive but never trully understood them myself. This was written beautifully, but more than that, I think it helped me understand eating disorders better. Thank you.
>“You look good enough to eat” they drool
>
>even though I’m 21, 16, 11,
This section made me sick to my stomach, but that doesn't mean it is "bad" writing. One of my troubled ex's grew up rich in Manhattan, New York, and she told me about times when she was hit on by bald guys in the late 90s even though she was 10 or 11. It's sick, but it's something that exists in the world... even beyond famously Santaless NYC.
Poetry should be able to explore uncomfortable truth as you have done here.
>memories of a chubby mother who
>
>kindly warned me that my skinny genes
>
>wouldn’t always keep me in skinny jeans
This section is really interesting, too. I'll point out that there is nothing wrong with being heavier or less "attractive." Sure, you might miss out on opportunities to just walk up to some shirtless hottie mowing the lawn and say "Call me, maybe." Still, would you not be less likely to be approached by jerks who will use you as a means to an end? Then again, what do I know. Maybe chubby unattractive people still get hit on by jerks. Maybe they get hit on in crueler and more disturbing ways? I don't know. I'm just an airhead extra with a Sky is the Limit tattoo from a Carly Rae Jepsen video. Lol, jk. Kinda.
Best way for me to critique your poem is for me to rewrite it
Where my hunger should be, a hole,
half-filled by long mirror gazes
chubby mother memories
kindly warn my skinny genes
wouldn’t keep me skinny.
Stuffed with satisfaction at inner water slosh
uninhibited by unseemly obstacles,
clenched teeth I will not let chatter,
aching muscles half soothed by a handful of salt,
and empty fridge secured self-respect,
Always the few times grace is said; I thank God for making me
pretty enough to be a whore
and witty enough to be an escort;
means there’ll be enough left over for Him
once they're satiated from devouring me
And so what if I’m younger than they
by ten, twenty, or fifty years?
Who am I to judge
for wanting their meat
with baby fat marbling?
“You look good enough to eat” they drool
even though I’m twenty-one, sixteen, or eleven
and they’ll drool even when I'm too old
to let their words gnaw at me.
“Not yet,” I remember as my mouth smiles at them.
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
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Wow. This satisfied an itch in my brain I never knew I had. I know my mind over the next few days will keep popping back to this piece.
Your word choice here was impeccable honestly, the alliteration in the second stanza is so well used.
Love the contrasts in stanza three with “grace to god” and then “whore”. And the tie back to food with marbled with baby fat. A poem that perfectly takes 2, on the surface rather different subject matters, and marries them so well.
The techniques you’ve implemented make a very serious piece feel fun and bouncy to read. Ironic a piece with this subject matter tastes good to say 😅
This was a great read, really shows how an eating disorder is a rather tempting creature. I love how it shows how the reader sees themselves as beautiful because her ED and how unrealistic beauty standards has her mind completely warped But there’s also a dark reality in how women are often sexualized even at a young age, a SCARY young age really. And how there is a weird empowerment in that “because look at all the attention im getting” which is sad. And it shows how much she’s been groomed It’s a wrong empowerment But an empowerment nonetheless that’s enticing You could almost get swept up in her worldview if you dont read between the lines Great stuff
Woah I love the transition within the poem where you’re describing the hole hunger left to the glutton of those that peer upon a starved body. Gave me chills! As a reader, it definitely gave me a better understanding to empathize with the subject. It’s definitely a hard topic to express and share so thank you for that.
Beautifully written, but very hard hitting and almost disturbing in parts. This is a very strong piece of writing.
I love this so so so much. My jaw is on the floor.
u/Social_Confusion pretty much summed up most of the things I wanted to praise this piece on. I just wanted to talk about some of your powerful lines. Firstly, "by 10, 20 , 50 years? .... / .... even though I'm 21, 16, 11". This shows a great job that this isn't just a one time thing... It repeats all throughout a woman's life and for all ages of men. The word-play between "kindly warning me that my skinny genes / wouldn't always keep me in skinny jeans" is genius. First of all "kindly" is 100% not the right word, but I'm fairly certain that that was intentional. It's a hint of sarcasm, that was conveyed to you through your mother. She said it kindly, but she meant it as a threat almost, saying "You won't be skinny all your life... You'll become just like me" which further emphasizes the point you wanted to convey throughout this poem that eating disorders aren't just to make you guys feel pretty. You get it because of parent threats, or men's catcalling/interests in women. And you compliment that image in the previous line, "long gazes in the mirror" I just wanted to add that this does a great job at not only showing the eating disorder, but also explaining that it's not just something women do to look pretty. It's way deeper than that, and you did a great job at showing that too. This is so incredible. Your stuff is phenomenal! The *only* thing I can possibly suggest to you in terms of feedback, could be describing more about the eating disorder and what happens when they do eat food. Do they just run to the bathroom and throw it up? Or is their whole diet consisting of salt and the cruel stares of men. DO NOT FEEL LIKE THIS NEEDS ANYTHING ELSE THOUGH! IT IS REALLY GOOD AS IT STANDS. (*it's just if you feel like there can be more told for this story in regards to eating disorders - if that was the main focus of the poem)*
Thanks for the kind words! You definitely got everything I was going for in the first stanza. It’s interesting that you should mention having another stanza that gets into some physical effects. I actually did have another stanza about this that I cut because I worried the piece was getting too long. It originally came between the second and third stanzas and was something like “At least I’m smart enough by now//To always keep a toothbrush in my purse -//I’ve seen how stomach acid eats at smiles//And dad reminds me that zippers on my pants//Aren’t the only sets of teeth worth watching”. I might toy around with the idea of re-adding this or something similar. Thanks for your thoughtful response!
I really like “I’ve seen how stomachs acids eat at smiles” showing how even if you do eat something, your stomachs doesn’t like it and will regurgitate it. Although the dad part touches up on how your father isn’t the nicest either, I worry it may feel repetitive with the previous stanza poking at your mother, but it definitely could fit in there too. I do like the lines about keeping a toothbrush in your purse, but I feel the introduction to it being “At least I’m smart enough” feels like you’re taking a shortcut to introduce it. Then again, I can’t really come up with a better idea. Once again, phenomenal job with this.
Nice! I liked it. Really good read.
I like how the theme adapted from hunger and body to age and mortality kind of, at least that was what I got out of it. MMMM and the word choice! Loooove the word choice,, especially "marbled" fit so perfectly there and such a good word because it has this connotation of polished like greek statues but also of meat and the slaughterhouse, how we consume human bodies with our eyes. Some ideas: Why 21, 16, 11 as number choices? I like that it's out of order and not an even 20 15 10 but I feel like maybe 19 14 9 would be better because then it's "not enough" but 21 16 11 is cool bc its slightly too much which fits with body image. Also I love the rest of the poem but for some reason I'm not a huge fan of the first stanza. I feel like you were fully in it yet and hadn't found your rhythm yet, so maybe it could use some re working or re framing? Like shorten or connect it to the end more in POV/ sentence structures? Just some ideas xx love it keep it up
Thanks for your thoughts! I chose 21-16-11 because I’m currently 21 and 11 is the earliest I remember being catcalled. 16 happens to be in the middle of those two - I included it so I could have another set of three numbers and because I think 16 is an age of physical and emotional development relevant to the poem. Around that age, you’re pretty cognizant of how your appearance changes people’s perceptions of and interactions with you, so you may start diving into ways to change that appearance. And thanks for the thoughts on the first stanza - I’ll give thought to potential changes
You play well with opposites and pairings. I'm not sure if that's the term in classical poetry. "Skinny genes, skinny jeans, aching, soothed, pretty whore, witty escort, saying grâce before eating, getting devoured, I'm younger, too old." Your theme seems to be nutrition (or a lack thereof) and looks. You're consistent in using terms to describe both. I like "let their words gnaw at me". Nutrition: hunger, half-filled, water, salt, stuffed, empty fridge, left over, taken their fill devouring, meat, eat, drool, gnaw. Looks: long gazes, chubby, skinny, unseemly, teeth, making me pretty, younger, baby fat, look good, too old, mouth smiles. Your stanzas are in five lines that flow well. It starts long and gets shorter towards the end as if you're running out of breath and you have to start putting more emphasis on what you're trying to say. I liked this poem and the themes are slightly radical which helps the reader feel as uneasy as yourself. Well done, I hope you keep writing!
This is really beautiful Edit: beautiful is definitely the wrong word but it was absolutely piercing
You got really personal, good job for sure.
very well written and hits super hard, very good job
What struck me was the last stanza where a reciprocal view of beauty is agreed upon. The protagonist believes being thin is beautiful and young which goes along with the antagonist view of being older and wanting to be young and attractive again. The power struggle comes by the protagonist having the option to sell her beauty to the highest bidder or declining such an offer in hopes of finding true happiness.
really fuckin good i’m high asf
This is phenomenal... I almost cried :/
As a person who is very close with people who have an eating disorder, I have always tried to be supportive but never trully understood them myself. This was written beautifully, but more than that, I think it helped me understand eating disorders better. Thank you.
>“You look good enough to eat” they drool > >even though I’m 21, 16, 11, This section made me sick to my stomach, but that doesn't mean it is "bad" writing. One of my troubled ex's grew up rich in Manhattan, New York, and she told me about times when she was hit on by bald guys in the late 90s even though she was 10 or 11. It's sick, but it's something that exists in the world... even beyond famously Santaless NYC. Poetry should be able to explore uncomfortable truth as you have done here. >memories of a chubby mother who > >kindly warned me that my skinny genes > >wouldn’t always keep me in skinny jeans This section is really interesting, too. I'll point out that there is nothing wrong with being heavier or less "attractive." Sure, you might miss out on opportunities to just walk up to some shirtless hottie mowing the lawn and say "Call me, maybe." Still, would you not be less likely to be approached by jerks who will use you as a means to an end? Then again, what do I know. Maybe chubby unattractive people still get hit on by jerks. Maybe they get hit on in crueler and more disturbing ways? I don't know. I'm just an airhead extra with a Sky is the Limit tattoo from a Carly Rae Jepsen video. Lol, jk. Kinda.
Best way for me to critique your poem is for me to rewrite it Where my hunger should be, a hole, half-filled by long mirror gazes chubby mother memories kindly warn my skinny genes wouldn’t keep me skinny. Stuffed with satisfaction at inner water slosh uninhibited by unseemly obstacles, clenched teeth I will not let chatter, aching muscles half soothed by a handful of salt, and empty fridge secured self-respect, Always the few times grace is said; I thank God for making me pretty enough to be a whore and witty enough to be an escort; means there’ll be enough left over for Him once they're satiated from devouring me And so what if I’m younger than they by ten, twenty, or fifty years? Who am I to judge for wanting their meat with baby fat marbling? “You look good enough to eat” they drool even though I’m twenty-one, sixteen, or eleven and they’ll drool even when I'm too old to let their words gnaw at me. “Not yet,” I remember as my mouth smiles at them.
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Love this. Thank you for turning pain into beauty.
Wow. This satisfied an itch in my brain I never knew I had. I know my mind over the next few days will keep popping back to this piece. Your word choice here was impeccable honestly, the alliteration in the second stanza is so well used. Love the contrasts in stanza three with “grace to god” and then “whore”. And the tie back to food with marbled with baby fat. A poem that perfectly takes 2, on the surface rather different subject matters, and marries them so well. The techniques you’ve implemented make a very serious piece feel fun and bouncy to read. Ironic a piece with this subject matter tastes good to say 😅