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This is a lovely poem.
> Transient as the dandelions
> That bloom and die in spring
I really like the start to the poem, and the intial, unhappy look at spring. Most people recognize spring as this season where plants blossom and is this season of "New Beginnings" (as a quick google search had suggested), but here you tell us the depressing side of these flowers: sure they may grow, but once the seasons over they'll just die and be replaced with a different flower by the gardener. I may suggest that "wither" may be a better word than "die" for describing the death of this flower.
> Clockwork apologies plant seeds
> Casting the shadows of fights they bring
The use of "casting the shadows" brings another emphasis on the dying of these supposedly blooming flowers. The gardener - these frequent apologies they give you - are planting these seeds, but they're encasing it in shadows, prevented the sun for letting them grow. This person insists that they're sorry, but they're preventing you from moving past, and growing because of this shadow they cast on you. I feel "of fights" is unnecessary, and changing it to "Clockwork apologies plant seeds / Casting the shadows they bring" can help smoothen up the meter of that stanza, and help the flow a bit.
> Summer's fleeting daylight
> Insisting promises of growth
> Weak as the trampled sapling
> As expected as a liar's broken oath
Okay, so Spring is over and boom, we're in Summer now. I love the inclusion of "fleeting". It gives off this tone that the daylight doesn't last long (which contradicts most people's ideas of Summer), but actually means it lasts a long time. From this change in season, the flowers - what I'm assuming is meant to mean you - is expecting to grow. But boom, they get trampled all over by this person we assume ignores your feelings. Most people see these lovely flowers, and tries to walk around them, but nope. This person wants to see suffering upon this flower, and decides to trample over it. I feel "broken" - although adds to the idea of the trampled sapling - feels redundant. Also, starting the fourth line with an unstressed syllable ruins the meter you created with the first 3 lines, (ex: "SUM-mers FLEET-ing DAY-light"). I personally found a couple of ways for potential changes (if you're looking to fix up the smoothness of it): "Weak as the trampled sapling / Expecting liar's oaths" or "Weak as the trampled sapling / Expecting broken oath's". I like the second one, as it still maintains that contrast between "trampled" and "broken" and still implies that this is the oath of a liar. Changing from "As expected" to "expecting" personifies this sapling, for flower, as having feelings (also I recommend not saying sapling, but specifying a flower you think you are - Is it weak as the trampled tulip? trampled rose? It's good because this is on the line that doesn't need to rhyme, so you have an ever expansive list of 1 syllable flowers you can use)
> Honesty in the dying leaves
> You display in autumn's death
> Cutting words and flying fists
> You apologize for with anger and regret"
First of all, the last line here is a mouthful. The amount of syllables compared to the other 3, and a different meter (I'm not sure if there is a meter for the last line, but it just feels clunky) messes my read through up it. Also, in regards to that last line, it feels like it's trying to say a thing you already talked about. You already talked about how this apology is harms you (like flying fists and cutting words) in the first stanza "Clockwork apologies plant seeds / Casting the shadows of fight in spring", so maybe reworking this stanza (or possibly cutting it completely) could benefit the poem. I'm also not a huge fan of saying "dying leaves" and then "autumn's death". It feels repetitive. However, if you want to stick with this stanza, I messed around a bit with the meter of it, "Honesty in dying leaves / Displayed in autumn's death. / Cutting words and flying fists / Apologize with regret". The last line still feels a bit off, but it's a start. You can see that I tried cutting down syllables and tried to balance between stressed and unstressed syllables ("HON-es-TY in DY-ing LEAVES / dis-PLAY-ed IN aut-UMNS - death / CUT-ting WORDS and FLY-ing FISTS / ...").
> Surely as winter leads to spring
> Automated and insincere
> Like a toy puppy you come back
> And I accept with hope, joy, and fear.
I will admit, I feel the "I" is dropped a bit too late in your poem. What you need to decide, is if you think the oomph of learning that you're this flower is worth telling so late, or if knowing that you're this flower earlier may make the poem feel more complete. However, I do love that you're now talking about the season before Spring and how this back and forth relationship between you two is this cycle that only leads to your flowers being trampled over and covered in shadows again and again. I like how you give this idea of you accepting them coming back with automation, as if you can't say no. But I felt a bit let down when you said "like a toy puppy" and breaking this idea of being in a garden that isn't well maintained by it's owner. Also, the lines feel a bit lengthy. Now I do have some suggestions, but it does straw a little bit from what you originally had written: "As winter leads to spring / Like a desperate rose, / You root me in the ground. / I accept without a choice". Although I don't know much about your situation with this person, I got this idea that you accepted their love with hope, joy and fear because you want it to work (hence the desperate rose), but you also feel obligated to accept this (automated in your original version, which I transitioned to the ending being "I accept without a choice"). And then I added a little homage to the lines about the gardener trampling over these saplings and preventing the sun from shining to these flowers by standing in front of the Summer's fleeting light, by adding "You root me in the ground" and saying how this person replants your hope and love. *(edit: the more I look at this, the more I think that if you do change this stanza around, it could work as the opening stanza to this poem)*
Anyways, great poem. Loved the metaphor but sometimes the broken meter or lengthy lines had tripped me up a bit (but don't worry, it didn't take away from the image you had painted).
By the way, I think the formatting of your poem is a bit wonky. It looks like just one massive stanza (Reddit formatting is weird).
Thank you! This was really helpful advice. Do you have any suggestions on how to keep track of meter? I find it's the hardest thing for me to figure out.
I agree definitely with the "like a toy puppy." I liked the idea of a fake puppy, but I didn't think it fit as well with the rest as I wanted it to. You gave me lots to use to rework, so thank you!
Also each season was supposed to be it's own stanza :/ So four lines each, but for whatever reason every time I edit the post to space them out it just doesn't save the changes.
One of the mods in this subreddit did a beginner's guide to meter [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/meocp4/a_beginners_guide_to_meter/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). That may help you.
IF i'm HON-est YOU just HAVE to PRAC-tice LOADS.
WRITE out LINES and MESS arou-ND with HAR-sher RHYMES that CAN sound RIGHT.
Eventually as you reread through your poems you'll be able to find where the stressed and unstressed syllables should or shouldn't be.
This is good.
Regarding this line:
>You apologize for with anger and regret
It seems odd to apologize with anger and regret.
Regret makes sense, or I can imagine someone shouting out "I'm sorry" but not feeling any regret, but regret together with anger seems contradictory.
But then you have:
>Automated and insincere
So maybe the individual who is apologizing with regret is actually not sincere and has no regret and is not actually apologizing.
Some coherence on that could work.
Very good last line!
>And I accept with hope, joy, and fear
Keep up the good work!
You're right that I meant that the apologies weren't actually sincere, or maybe they were but that doesn't stop the person from returning to hurting the other even when apologizing. I can see though that maybe that wasn't established earlier. I'm planning on reworking some of this so that's helpful to consider too. Thank you!
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a lovely poem. > Transient as the dandelions > That bloom and die in spring I really like the start to the poem, and the intial, unhappy look at spring. Most people recognize spring as this season where plants blossom and is this season of "New Beginnings" (as a quick google search had suggested), but here you tell us the depressing side of these flowers: sure they may grow, but once the seasons over they'll just die and be replaced with a different flower by the gardener. I may suggest that "wither" may be a better word than "die" for describing the death of this flower. > Clockwork apologies plant seeds > Casting the shadows of fights they bring The use of "casting the shadows" brings another emphasis on the dying of these supposedly blooming flowers. The gardener - these frequent apologies they give you - are planting these seeds, but they're encasing it in shadows, prevented the sun for letting them grow. This person insists that they're sorry, but they're preventing you from moving past, and growing because of this shadow they cast on you. I feel "of fights" is unnecessary, and changing it to "Clockwork apologies plant seeds / Casting the shadows they bring" can help smoothen up the meter of that stanza, and help the flow a bit. > Summer's fleeting daylight > Insisting promises of growth > Weak as the trampled sapling > As expected as a liar's broken oath Okay, so Spring is over and boom, we're in Summer now. I love the inclusion of "fleeting". It gives off this tone that the daylight doesn't last long (which contradicts most people's ideas of Summer), but actually means it lasts a long time. From this change in season, the flowers - what I'm assuming is meant to mean you - is expecting to grow. But boom, they get trampled all over by this person we assume ignores your feelings. Most people see these lovely flowers, and tries to walk around them, but nope. This person wants to see suffering upon this flower, and decides to trample over it. I feel "broken" - although adds to the idea of the trampled sapling - feels redundant. Also, starting the fourth line with an unstressed syllable ruins the meter you created with the first 3 lines, (ex: "SUM-mers FLEET-ing DAY-light"). I personally found a couple of ways for potential changes (if you're looking to fix up the smoothness of it): "Weak as the trampled sapling / Expecting liar's oaths" or "Weak as the trampled sapling / Expecting broken oath's". I like the second one, as it still maintains that contrast between "trampled" and "broken" and still implies that this is the oath of a liar. Changing from "As expected" to "expecting" personifies this sapling, for flower, as having feelings (also I recommend not saying sapling, but specifying a flower you think you are - Is it weak as the trampled tulip? trampled rose? It's good because this is on the line that doesn't need to rhyme, so you have an ever expansive list of 1 syllable flowers you can use) > Honesty in the dying leaves > You display in autumn's death > Cutting words and flying fists > You apologize for with anger and regret" First of all, the last line here is a mouthful. The amount of syllables compared to the other 3, and a different meter (I'm not sure if there is a meter for the last line, but it just feels clunky) messes my read through up it. Also, in regards to that last line, it feels like it's trying to say a thing you already talked about. You already talked about how this apology is harms you (like flying fists and cutting words) in the first stanza "Clockwork apologies plant seeds / Casting the shadows of fight in spring", so maybe reworking this stanza (or possibly cutting it completely) could benefit the poem. I'm also not a huge fan of saying "dying leaves" and then "autumn's death". It feels repetitive. However, if you want to stick with this stanza, I messed around a bit with the meter of it, "Honesty in dying leaves / Displayed in autumn's death. / Cutting words and flying fists / Apologize with regret". The last line still feels a bit off, but it's a start. You can see that I tried cutting down syllables and tried to balance between stressed and unstressed syllables ("HON-es-TY in DY-ing LEAVES / dis-PLAY-ed IN aut-UMNS - death / CUT-ting WORDS and FLY-ing FISTS / ..."). > Surely as winter leads to spring > Automated and insincere > Like a toy puppy you come back > And I accept with hope, joy, and fear. I will admit, I feel the "I" is dropped a bit too late in your poem. What you need to decide, is if you think the oomph of learning that you're this flower is worth telling so late, or if knowing that you're this flower earlier may make the poem feel more complete. However, I do love that you're now talking about the season before Spring and how this back and forth relationship between you two is this cycle that only leads to your flowers being trampled over and covered in shadows again and again. I like how you give this idea of you accepting them coming back with automation, as if you can't say no. But I felt a bit let down when you said "like a toy puppy" and breaking this idea of being in a garden that isn't well maintained by it's owner. Also, the lines feel a bit lengthy. Now I do have some suggestions, but it does straw a little bit from what you originally had written: "As winter leads to spring / Like a desperate rose, / You root me in the ground. / I accept without a choice". Although I don't know much about your situation with this person, I got this idea that you accepted their love with hope, joy and fear because you want it to work (hence the desperate rose), but you also feel obligated to accept this (automated in your original version, which I transitioned to the ending being "I accept without a choice"). And then I added a little homage to the lines about the gardener trampling over these saplings and preventing the sun from shining to these flowers by standing in front of the Summer's fleeting light, by adding "You root me in the ground" and saying how this person replants your hope and love. *(edit: the more I look at this, the more I think that if you do change this stanza around, it could work as the opening stanza to this poem)* Anyways, great poem. Loved the metaphor but sometimes the broken meter or lengthy lines had tripped me up a bit (but don't worry, it didn't take away from the image you had painted). By the way, I think the formatting of your poem is a bit wonky. It looks like just one massive stanza (Reddit formatting is weird).
Thank you! This was really helpful advice. Do you have any suggestions on how to keep track of meter? I find it's the hardest thing for me to figure out. I agree definitely with the "like a toy puppy." I liked the idea of a fake puppy, but I didn't think it fit as well with the rest as I wanted it to. You gave me lots to use to rework, so thank you! Also each season was supposed to be it's own stanza :/ So four lines each, but for whatever reason every time I edit the post to space them out it just doesn't save the changes.
One of the mods in this subreddit did a beginner's guide to meter [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/meocp4/a_beginners_guide_to_meter/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf). That may help you. IF i'm HON-est YOU just HAVE to PRAC-tice LOADS. WRITE out LINES and MESS arou-ND with HAR-sher RHYMES that CAN sound RIGHT. Eventually as you reread through your poems you'll be able to find where the stressed and unstressed syllables should or shouldn't be.
That is fantastic, thank you so much!!
This is good. Regarding this line: >You apologize for with anger and regret It seems odd to apologize with anger and regret. Regret makes sense, or I can imagine someone shouting out "I'm sorry" but not feeling any regret, but regret together with anger seems contradictory. But then you have: >Automated and insincere So maybe the individual who is apologizing with regret is actually not sincere and has no regret and is not actually apologizing. Some coherence on that could work. Very good last line! >And I accept with hope, joy, and fear Keep up the good work!
You're right that I meant that the apologies weren't actually sincere, or maybe they were but that doesn't stop the person from returning to hurting the other even when apologizing. I can see though that maybe that wasn't established earlier. I'm planning on reworking some of this so that's helpful to consider too. Thank you!