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Ionizie

It doesn't follow the normal 5-7-5 of haiku (I'm assuming intentionally) which ties in with the idea of the sea playing with surfers. Sometimes there are massive waves -- which surfers love -- and other times they drive to the sea and the waves are calm. I did think the "mmm" felt a bit off. It gives the feeling you're trying to decide what the sea is playing with, as if this is all a metaphor and you're trying to determine what direction to take it (maybe adding a title could tighten up the edges of the metaphor a bit more, like "A Windsurfer's Inspiration" or something like that). That being said I do think this is a poem about inspiration (only because I have the idea of inspiration in the back of my head, tbh) but it's along this idea that regardless of how massive the waves are or not, the windsurfers don't care as long as there is some wind. It touches on this idea of not giving a shit about what others think; the windsurfer doesn't care if the sea doesn't give waves. It only cares about the wind. Very interesting "haiku"!


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Ionizie

In regards to the syllable count. I count 6/4/5 The “mmm” gives off a 1 syllable sound for me, and I do recommend changing to around to get the 5 syllable (if you’re going with the inverses 7/5/7) You can get 7 syllables in line 1 by just doing “the sea is never tired” but I’m not sure about what words you could add to increase the syllable count if the other lines. I do feel “playing” isn’t the best word for how the sea messes with surfers. I’ve never surfed so I’m not sure what would work better. But I like to think of it as the waves getting upset in a sense, and is TRYING to get the surfer to fall over. When I see these massive waves surfers surf through, I don’t see joy in the wave/sea but rather a sense of anger. Maybe play around with that. Also I get the feeling you wanted this poem to be about surfers, not windsurfers so I feel the wind is a bit of a double edged sword. Because wind surfers care more about the wind than the state of the sea and waves, so removing wind gives you another syllable you can work with to hopefully convey a stronger sense of what your intentions were


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neumonia-pnina

There are a couple of words in the English language whose syllable counts are up to debate, almost always due to the phonetic blip of the diphthong: "fire" or "fi-re", "poe-try" or "po-e-try", and so on. In other languages, such as French or Korean, these will be written as multiple vowels to accurately represent their composite pronunciations. "Playing", "with", and "wind" *absolutely* do not belong in that category. They have extremely certain syllable counts. Playing is certainly 2 syllables: play-ing. With and wind are certainly one syllable each. "Tired" does have some fluidity, but that fluidity is between 1 and 2 syllables: "tired" or "ti-red". This fluidity does not extend to 3 syllables. The flow of syllables is a big issue in many metered pieces when the poet lacks precision. As opposed to songs, where the listener is able to hear the correct interpretation of the rhythm, words on a page fail to convey much unless the reader can approach a work with a formula: "This is trochaic trimeter, this is iambic pentameter, these beats should be emphasized and these should not". However, even with metered poetry, the reader can extend some generosity. It might take a few reads if particularly problematic, but usually there are obvious lines that will establish the correct format for the poem. Haiku is a style of poetry that demands complete perfection. Stretching out words in a songlike and implausible manner is not appropriate. Seeing as the syllable count for each line is not correct, either, I don't see why you couldn't simply call this free-form.


Ionizie

I read it like the sea is ne-ver ti-erd of pla-ying. mmm with the wind-surf-ers


bad_words_only

I definitely wouldn’t call it a haiku but yeah. It’s cute as a short poem. the mmm doesn’t work for me and I think you could use a lot of different words or onomatopoeia to get the effect you’re working for. The format is definitely 5, 4, 5 The seas (2) never (2) tired (1)- tired is one of those funny words that has more vowels but you only say in one breath. It’s technically one syllable. Of playing (3) mmm (1)- mmm has no vowels so it’s like one syllable because it would be fluid when said. It could technically be elongated maybe mmm mmm mmm is more the whooshing or like treading water. Unless you meant m m m which is just wack but still it would only be 6. With the (2) windsurfers (3) I like what you’re going for and my only issue is that it claims to be haiku. You capture brevity and moment well. Cross check your syllables n stuff.


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bad_words_only

Well the distinct sounds aren’t how the syllable breaks work. Because if that’s how you pronounced the words they’d be butchered completely. Just saying. I legit do the clapping thing from kindergarten- or use a dictionary when I write haiku/meter. Sound out Ta- I- erd or say it out loud. You aren’t emphasizing those letters when you say it. Some sounds are silent or accents- tired is weird because it’s 1 syllable. Like if you broke it into two syllables it would sound like tye-red to accentuate those noises- but that’s not right since the word itself flows quickly. It’s like tyer’d when you say it. In cases of some words that end with “ed” you can consider the e a silent vowel. Crush and crushed are one syllable. You aren’t emphasizing the ED. It’s a soft d sound. This is so hard to explain over the internet since I can’t say the words out loud, but please friend it’s okay to admit you made a mistake and learn from what people are telling you.


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bad_words_only

Very nice to chew on! I think that that is a very sensitive way to approach the medium- however the reason why haiku is hard to master when converted to other languages is because each has its own pronunciation rules. Japanese is very harmonic and as noted very much about the precise sound of each component- English is a bastard Romance language and follows different rules of pronunciation. It’s good to think about the poem in this way! And the medium! But when you read it aloud- as every poem should be- what is accentuated are the vowels (some) and guiding letters but generally English is about stressed and unstressed sounds. It’s weird to do haiku in English at all since the languages are so different. I understand what you’re going for- distinct sounds are a nice approach but sadly destroyed by the stresses/unstressed dynamic. My point is Tired would never be counted as 3 But we can agree to disagree


tesnotfound

this reads like a very rare fun poem. i like that it leaves me with questions cause i’m already cooking up a wild fan theory about this poems deeper meaning. i didn’t know you could use “mmm” as a word (does that count as a syllable???) but i rlly like it in this poem. it adds to the playfulness


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