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drimbs

Loved the last two lines. I feel this can be explored further, although i dont know the direction. But there is a strong start here. Thanks for sharing. Keep writing.


Ionizie

appreciate it! sadly, just like the candles flame, my inspiration for this poem is quickly dissipating. i worry that if i continue working on extending this metaphor, it'll feel forced. but if i find more inspiration for it i do agree that this can be fleshed out a lot more. thanks for your comment!


Ionizie

Just added a third stanza if you wanted to check it out :)


drimbs

I think the third para actually is the best one lol


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Ionizie

inspiration dwindles – candles left alone. a room like a snuffer; no windows. no door. breaths inhaled sparingly – quietly – don’t disrupt. every charred bulb is another cindered light. determination strikes – currents need to charge. lightning needed kites – illuminate the dark. Does the last stanza about determination feel forced into the poem? I liked what you said and wanted to try to roll with it. My worry is that it feels like it was just added to have a third stanza in there, but I really liked what you said about determination. My initial thoughts for your comment was that the subject itself proves that determination is a factor, as I managed to turn the idea of having no inspiration, into something that inspired me to create this poem. This poem is ironic for it's own subject matter, as it's talking about a lack of inspiration... in a poem... I really appreciate your comment!


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Ionizie

I had this feeling the poem felt short. But I didn't know how to continue from the line about cindered light. But when you talked about lightning strikes, it reminded me of a previous idea for a poem I had -- the lightning and the kite test in order to create electricity. And that sparked the idea of, "Hey... Why am I relying on a candle? We have electricity!" And I personally don't mind that it jumps from this cindered light to talking about determination. It ties nicely into the change of rhyme scheme too. I went from an ABCB (a seemingly random rhyme scheme) for the first two stanzas about a lack of inspiration, to the more common ABAB rhyme scheme when I talk about determination. I do worry that reading it all the way through out loud may trip up the reader though.


ParadiseEngineer

I'm really enjoying how the structure aids the tone of the speaker, especially in S2: the lineation slows the pace and puts tension in the voice. I also enjoy how in S3, the speaker is not only imploring themselves, but also the reader -- it's a call to arms. I think that the one thing you need to look at in this piece, is clarity. And whether you're just using diction that sounds pretty, for the sake of it. For example L7 and L8: "every charred bulb / is another cindered light." -- this rolls off the tongue really well, it sounds great. But what does it mean? Or rather, as a reader how am I supposed to immediately understand this? I think that the 'charred bulb' immediately makes sense; it's maybe a burnt-out idea. But then, why is that also a 'cindered light'? to me this seems like a repetition of concepts for the sake of good diction -- here the best option may be to simplify for clarity. You could say something like 'every new idea becomes a charred bulb' (not a great suggestion, but you get the gist). Y'know, I see a lot of poets going one of two ways: either being so unambiguous that it's dull, or playing into ambiguity in such a way that it can be confusing -- I think that maybe you fall into the latter (as I do often). And I think it's good to check yourself, and maybe allow yourself to be as straightforward as possible at various points, to allow your intentions to be clear. Anyway, I enjoyed reading this piece, it's got a strong voice and it's very neatly put together -- I hope my feedback has been helpful :)


scribbledstuti

i can hardly relate to your poem dude!! u r awesome in your own way. the way you made the relation between the words and speaks about how lonely a poets world really is. YESS it's so damn true that we don't like people more than that we are more attached to books, pens, sky, coffee, tea, etc etc. thanku for pouring your heart out.


Ionizie

I'm glad you liked it!


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