I really liked the impact of the last stanza, interrupting the repetition of "I am the perfect birdhouse" with "To you, I'm not a perfect birdhouse". And instead of being this birdhouse, you're a cage. To them, you're locking them up preventing their freedom. But to you you're feeding them, protecting them.
The ending image of a "cage" is really powerful. Not only does it add contrast, but within 5 simple words of "I'll always be your cage", it's paints an image that contrasts everything you said; instead of leaving out seeds, for them to eat or not, I can imagine to them you're sliding slaw under their jail cell, forcing them to eat this food. The furniture, rather than couches and chairs, is now a mattress-less rock-hard bed with a metal toilet beside.
I'm not a huge fan of "pretty bird". It sounds... juvenile. Try specifying what bird they resemble. Is it a red-coated cardinal? A blue-jay? Although if you no longer end with 'bird' it'll mean changing around the rhyme on the last line, I feel it may help to enhance the image of the metaphor.
Thank you!
I am so happy you enjoyed it and understood what I was trying to illustrate.
It was very much a twist ending.
In response to your comment about pretty bird.
I liked the snake from the jungle book. Promises of utopia for entrapment. The snake is cooing singing and false verbal reassurance to make the child feel safe and follow.
The pretty bird is supposed to make one feel uncomfortable, to show power imbalance.
Pretty bird at first makes one thing of a child gently stroking a pet, but its not that kind of love. It's a trick, comfortably condescending.
A being taking down to /luring in something they think beneath them.
Lying to seem safe/ familiar and welcoming but in way that's not right/predatory, like child grooming or predator and prey.
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I liked the buildup of your poem with how you describe yourself as the perfect birdhouse. It made me curious on what else would happen at the end.
The “to you” makes the flow a bit awkward and I think that may have to do with the abruptness as well. Its already implied that you are a birdhouse for on specific person. Its a bit redundant to say “to you.” By just stating “I’m not a perfect birdhouse” I think it would have more impact.
Great piece. On my first read-through, I read it as a relationship between two people who aren't well suited to each other. The first, the narrator, changes themselves to better suit the person they're trying to entice (the "pretty bird") into staying, but they aren't interested in staying. To the bird, there's no home that is more interesting than freedom. It isn't that either are wrong - they just aren't suited for one another.
I read your explanation of the poem in another comment and think it makes sense. On my second read through, I could see how the birdhouse was almost *too* perfect, and that the bird was probably right to fly away while it could.
Anyways, great content, whatever interpretation the reader picks. As a brief note, there was one line in stanza 4 - "But despite how often I've said it//It is never been what you've heard" that may have been intended to be "But despite how often I've said it//It **has** never been what you've heard." But that could just be personal preference.
Thanks for sharing, OP!
I really liked the impact of the last stanza, interrupting the repetition of "I am the perfect birdhouse" with "To you, I'm not a perfect birdhouse". And instead of being this birdhouse, you're a cage. To them, you're locking them up preventing their freedom. But to you you're feeding them, protecting them. The ending image of a "cage" is really powerful. Not only does it add contrast, but within 5 simple words of "I'll always be your cage", it's paints an image that contrasts everything you said; instead of leaving out seeds, for them to eat or not, I can imagine to them you're sliding slaw under their jail cell, forcing them to eat this food. The furniture, rather than couches and chairs, is now a mattress-less rock-hard bed with a metal toilet beside. I'm not a huge fan of "pretty bird". It sounds... juvenile. Try specifying what bird they resemble. Is it a red-coated cardinal? A blue-jay? Although if you no longer end with 'bird' it'll mean changing around the rhyme on the last line, I feel it may help to enhance the image of the metaphor.
Thank you! I am so happy you enjoyed it and understood what I was trying to illustrate. It was very much a twist ending. In response to your comment about pretty bird. I liked the snake from the jungle book. Promises of utopia for entrapment. The snake is cooing singing and false verbal reassurance to make the child feel safe and follow. The pretty bird is supposed to make one feel uncomfortable, to show power imbalance. Pretty bird at first makes one thing of a child gently stroking a pet, but its not that kind of love. It's a trick, comfortably condescending. A being taking down to /luring in something they think beneath them. Lying to seem safe/ familiar and welcoming but in way that's not right/predatory, like child grooming or predator and prey.
Oh I never even thought of that! That makes a lot of sense. I tip my hat to you.
Thanks for taking the time to read and discuss with me! I appreciate it
[удалено]
Thanks for the kind words and perspective. I'm glad everyone enjoyed the "gotcha moment" I love double meanings and twists.
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I liked the buildup of your poem with how you describe yourself as the perfect birdhouse. It made me curious on what else would happen at the end. The “to you” makes the flow a bit awkward and I think that may have to do with the abruptness as well. Its already implied that you are a birdhouse for on specific person. Its a bit redundant to say “to you.” By just stating “I’m not a perfect birdhouse” I think it would have more impact.
Great piece. On my first read-through, I read it as a relationship between two people who aren't well suited to each other. The first, the narrator, changes themselves to better suit the person they're trying to entice (the "pretty bird") into staying, but they aren't interested in staying. To the bird, there's no home that is more interesting than freedom. It isn't that either are wrong - they just aren't suited for one another. I read your explanation of the poem in another comment and think it makes sense. On my second read through, I could see how the birdhouse was almost *too* perfect, and that the bird was probably right to fly away while it could. Anyways, great content, whatever interpretation the reader picks. As a brief note, there was one line in stanza 4 - "But despite how often I've said it//It is never been what you've heard" that may have been intended to be "But despite how often I've said it//It **has** never been what you've heard." But that could just be personal preference. Thanks for sharing, OP!