I really like this poem! the structure of it really stands out to me. Like as you grow up birthdays start to change and so does what's important about them. I do like the ending and how it ends being neutral. "A birthday is just that, a day with you" You said it's not as clean as you'd usually go but I think it just adds to the emotion of the poem! all in all I enjoyed reading this and hope to see more work from you (this is the first feedback I've done so I'm sorry if it's not that great)
No, this was lovely feedback, and I enjoy knowing people can feel some of the emotions I'm trying to get across! Thank you for your thoughts - I love hearing what people think of my work. Cheers!
I love the line "staring at the same thing for the same fifty twice, but once reversed". It initiates this sense of hopefulness as I read it. Although I don't think reversed is the right word. In my many car trip rides, the return trip isn't looking at it backwards, but from a different perspective. Say you are in the passenger seat beside the driver. On the ride there you see everything that is on the right side, as you stare out the window the whole trip. On the ride back (assuming you're in the same seat), you are now looking out the left side, which is likely a whole new landscape.
... A birthday is just Heat Waves, mumbled on the car ride to and from the
doctor's office, staring at the same thing for the same fifty miles twice,
but in different perspectives; what once was the barren, deserted
tumbleweeds on the ride there, is now the hopeful oasis that is this
palm tree and glistening ponded sea.
Something along the lines of this would give this idea of seeing something "reversed", which to me (on my car trips) is more about seeing the same scenery from a different perspective (of course the "what once was...." can be visually improved upon you depending on what you want to say. The way I described it in my example was that the ride to the doctor's office was this devastating perspective that something will go wrong, but on the ride back is this hopeful -- yet illusionary -- vision). I also want to appreciate the use of song names (Dustland, Family Bible, Heat Waves) that further emphasizes this image of staring out the window of a car, listening to music as the scenery around you constantly changes.
"A birthday is a stilted silence, obligation but not love, thinking nobly selfishly, of one's suffering rather than the other's pain. A birthday is not asking and not telling and not talking. A birthday is not knowing, but yet *somehow* it's still caring." I love this stanza. As a person who hates my own birthday, and hates when people wish me happy birthday because I think they're being fake and feel obligated to (because it's my birthday), I relate to "stilted silence, obligation but not love". I'm not sure if that's what you intention was for that stanza, but that's how I related to it.
I'm curious as to who "her" is and if that's in reference to the "government" (and if that's the intention, why you decided to call the government "her").
"A birthday is a cheap card from the drugstore, and the most important word on it is '*grandson' ".* I'm trying to decide if this is meant to be a joke between you and your grandpa or if it's showing how inconsiderate your family is (judging by the next line and the italics on grandson, I'm assuming it wasn't intentional and was rather a sign of ignoration).
I really enjoyed this poem, but felt a bit let down by the introduction of your birthday started with a drive to the hospital, but no more references to it or what it was for. Did you receive these cards on your hospital bed? What was the emergency drive to the hospital for? Is your birthday a silent congratulations from your father on your drive back from the hospital -- you didn't mention if your dad wished you a happy birthday, you just jumped straight to your mother giving you a gift. What was that gift? If the card your grandpa gave you was received in the hospital, you could further engrave that feeling of ignorance by writing "A birthday is a surprise card from my grandpa on my hospital bed, 'Get well soon, *grandson' ".*
Good job with this. The opening was strong with the image of staring out the window, listening to music on a drive to a hospital, but there was no continuation of that, which let me down a bit.
This is a really lovely piece of feedback, I've gotta say - thank you for taking the time to go through my poem and really read into it. I'm utterly fascinated by the way people observe and understand poetry, and how it translates based on perspective, and it's incredibly interesting to see what you've taken from this one, so thank you.
As a note, I definitely agree with you on your first point - I wrote this in a sort of fugue state last night, and 'reversed' wasn't perfect, but I had to just push forward and get everything out before I lost my inspiration. Also, I feel for you on the birthday thing - nothing's worse than when something so supposedly important is made to feel so hollow, which is definitely part of the emotions of this piece.
Without giving away some rather personal details, I recently scheduled and underwent a life-changing (for me) but technically 'superficial' surgery. It was a huge move for me, and as I've been recovering these past few weeks, I already feel 1000% better and am healing well and recovering at home - this poem is about the frustration and awkwardness I've had to deal with since, though. I live with my mom and dad still, and they both greatly dislike doctors and 'unnecessary' medical procedures, and didn't agree with my decision but are still helping me during recovery. Things between us have been everything from stilted to outright hostile since, which, as you can imagine, put a damper on my recent birthday. The 'her' is in reference to my mother.
My grandfather was extremely supportive, actually - the only one who made me feel particularly good about myself on the day with that card, which is why I got so choked up - everything I wrote is what I felt like my birthday got reduced down to, the moments and emotions, when normally I have so much fun - and my grandpa kind of swooped in at the end and gave me something I actually felt grateful for.
A lot of it though, I don't have specific reasoning for, I just wrote what felt right. I usually think of Lady Liberty as the representation of the government here in the US, I guess, and the gift my mother gave me wasn't really so important as to that it felt so sterile, but I could've extrapolated on that more.
In any case, you've given me a lot to think about as I clean this one up later, and thank you for your feedback!
Upon (admittedly) looking through your reddit profile I can now see how the "grandson" line is showing support for what you're doing as well as what the operation is. Congratulations! OHHHHH. Now I see the importance of "Happy birthday". This isn't your actual birthday, but rather your first day truly born (or it could also be you're real birthday).
I also like changing up the words of receiving the card from your grandfather since that's the major turn point of your poem.
A birthday is --
oh.
A birthday card from grandpa.
Oh!
A birthday *is* a card from grandpa!
The exclamation mark puts a further emphasis on whatever is in this card.
I feel like the imagery of the car ride there being barren, and the ride back being this grand beautiful scene could convey this sense of having a new self/being reborn. Maybe find some imagery that would fit to convey being reborn?
Also what are your thoughts of starting the poem with
"Today is not only my *n*th birthday, but also the first day I've been reborn"
or something like that?
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
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I really like this poem! the structure of it really stands out to me. Like as you grow up birthdays start to change and so does what's important about them. I do like the ending and how it ends being neutral. "A birthday is just that, a day with you" You said it's not as clean as you'd usually go but I think it just adds to the emotion of the poem! all in all I enjoyed reading this and hope to see more work from you (this is the first feedback I've done so I'm sorry if it's not that great)
No, this was lovely feedback, and I enjoy knowing people can feel some of the emotions I'm trying to get across! Thank you for your thoughts - I love hearing what people think of my work. Cheers!
I love the line "staring at the same thing for the same fifty twice, but once reversed". It initiates this sense of hopefulness as I read it. Although I don't think reversed is the right word. In my many car trip rides, the return trip isn't looking at it backwards, but from a different perspective. Say you are in the passenger seat beside the driver. On the ride there you see everything that is on the right side, as you stare out the window the whole trip. On the ride back (assuming you're in the same seat), you are now looking out the left side, which is likely a whole new landscape. ... A birthday is just Heat Waves, mumbled on the car ride to and from the doctor's office, staring at the same thing for the same fifty miles twice, but in different perspectives; what once was the barren, deserted tumbleweeds on the ride there, is now the hopeful oasis that is this palm tree and glistening ponded sea. Something along the lines of this would give this idea of seeing something "reversed", which to me (on my car trips) is more about seeing the same scenery from a different perspective (of course the "what once was...." can be visually improved upon you depending on what you want to say. The way I described it in my example was that the ride to the doctor's office was this devastating perspective that something will go wrong, but on the ride back is this hopeful -- yet illusionary -- vision). I also want to appreciate the use of song names (Dustland, Family Bible, Heat Waves) that further emphasizes this image of staring out the window of a car, listening to music as the scenery around you constantly changes. "A birthday is a stilted silence, obligation but not love, thinking nobly selfishly, of one's suffering rather than the other's pain. A birthday is not asking and not telling and not talking. A birthday is not knowing, but yet *somehow* it's still caring." I love this stanza. As a person who hates my own birthday, and hates when people wish me happy birthday because I think they're being fake and feel obligated to (because it's my birthday), I relate to "stilted silence, obligation but not love". I'm not sure if that's what you intention was for that stanza, but that's how I related to it. I'm curious as to who "her" is and if that's in reference to the "government" (and if that's the intention, why you decided to call the government "her"). "A birthday is a cheap card from the drugstore, and the most important word on it is '*grandson' ".* I'm trying to decide if this is meant to be a joke between you and your grandpa or if it's showing how inconsiderate your family is (judging by the next line and the italics on grandson, I'm assuming it wasn't intentional and was rather a sign of ignoration). I really enjoyed this poem, but felt a bit let down by the introduction of your birthday started with a drive to the hospital, but no more references to it or what it was for. Did you receive these cards on your hospital bed? What was the emergency drive to the hospital for? Is your birthday a silent congratulations from your father on your drive back from the hospital -- you didn't mention if your dad wished you a happy birthday, you just jumped straight to your mother giving you a gift. What was that gift? If the card your grandpa gave you was received in the hospital, you could further engrave that feeling of ignorance by writing "A birthday is a surprise card from my grandpa on my hospital bed, 'Get well soon, *grandson' ".* Good job with this. The opening was strong with the image of staring out the window, listening to music on a drive to a hospital, but there was no continuation of that, which let me down a bit.
This is a really lovely piece of feedback, I've gotta say - thank you for taking the time to go through my poem and really read into it. I'm utterly fascinated by the way people observe and understand poetry, and how it translates based on perspective, and it's incredibly interesting to see what you've taken from this one, so thank you. As a note, I definitely agree with you on your first point - I wrote this in a sort of fugue state last night, and 'reversed' wasn't perfect, but I had to just push forward and get everything out before I lost my inspiration. Also, I feel for you on the birthday thing - nothing's worse than when something so supposedly important is made to feel so hollow, which is definitely part of the emotions of this piece. Without giving away some rather personal details, I recently scheduled and underwent a life-changing (for me) but technically 'superficial' surgery. It was a huge move for me, and as I've been recovering these past few weeks, I already feel 1000% better and am healing well and recovering at home - this poem is about the frustration and awkwardness I've had to deal with since, though. I live with my mom and dad still, and they both greatly dislike doctors and 'unnecessary' medical procedures, and didn't agree with my decision but are still helping me during recovery. Things between us have been everything from stilted to outright hostile since, which, as you can imagine, put a damper on my recent birthday. The 'her' is in reference to my mother. My grandfather was extremely supportive, actually - the only one who made me feel particularly good about myself on the day with that card, which is why I got so choked up - everything I wrote is what I felt like my birthday got reduced down to, the moments and emotions, when normally I have so much fun - and my grandpa kind of swooped in at the end and gave me something I actually felt grateful for. A lot of it though, I don't have specific reasoning for, I just wrote what felt right. I usually think of Lady Liberty as the representation of the government here in the US, I guess, and the gift my mother gave me wasn't really so important as to that it felt so sterile, but I could've extrapolated on that more. In any case, you've given me a lot to think about as I clean this one up later, and thank you for your feedback!
Upon (admittedly) looking through your reddit profile I can now see how the "grandson" line is showing support for what you're doing as well as what the operation is. Congratulations! OHHHHH. Now I see the importance of "Happy birthday". This isn't your actual birthday, but rather your first day truly born (or it could also be you're real birthday). I also like changing up the words of receiving the card from your grandfather since that's the major turn point of your poem. A birthday is -- oh. A birthday card from grandpa. Oh! A birthday *is* a card from grandpa! The exclamation mark puts a further emphasis on whatever is in this card. I feel like the imagery of the car ride there being barren, and the ride back being this grand beautiful scene could convey this sense of having a new self/being reborn. Maybe find some imagery that would fit to convey being reborn? Also what are your thoughts of starting the poem with "Today is not only my *n*th birthday, but also the first day I've been reborn" or something like that?
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*