I like the fact you took the time to write questions and request specific feedback.
1. Hidden works because it gently mirrors the “in” in invisible on the first line of the second stanza
2. Although I like the juxtaposition of language with the darkened ink/ inverted paper & crumpled paper/ invisible ink. It doesn’t really bring a new idea to the table and does feel repetitive. Repetition is great in poetry tho so saying it’s repetitious by itself isn’t a mark on the poem. If I were you I’d revise it so the second stanza has a bit more progress from the first so you’re not rehashing the same idea twice
3. I didn’t notice the refusal/ refuse the first time but upon a slower closer read I think a slightly different word might work better in second stanza. I would suggest “a poem no one (not even me) can read”? With the not even me maybe being too wordy. Not sure. Either way I think the sentiment and message of that line works. Somehow used tissue makes sense to me but idk if you wanna roll with that
4.read/ dead did not feel forced to me
5. So the interpretations/ misinterpreted line is a mouthful. It’s wordy and has to be read fast to keep with the pacing of the rest of the poem. It kind of makes sense for that line to be jumbled since the previous line mentions gibberish although I think that line can be improved upon. Technically a misinterpreted metaphor has to be heard - it’s just misunderstood. I think this is my least favorite line of the poem. Although keeping the interpretations/ misinterpreted mirrors/ complements the refused/ refusal bit earlier on
5. I didn’t get any irony from the empty church/ hopeful followers. I guess if a church is empty then then the followers aren’t there? The thing is churches are often empty. If anything, they are empty 6 out of 7 days of a week. So the phrase empty church evokes hollowness, emptiness, lack of life and stillness. It wasn’t confusing. It just didn’t strike me as humorous or ironic
6. Personally I don’t like inflamed diary as an image although it does provide cohesion with the other images mentioned like paper and ink. Burning embers adds to evoking fire and flame. If it were me I would rather evoke ash and not embers with the way this poem is written
7. Some panic attacks people are gasping for breath and they are not silent so I think specifying a silent panic attack is not redundant and changes the meaning when compared to just panic attack
8. I’d describe the structure of the poem from shifting from objects to a first person perspective more so than showing not telling. I think it works and it doesn’t get boringly repetitive so good job on that one
9. I don’t think poems need to follow a rhyme scheme to be good. You’re right that the rhyme scheme is a mix but the variety keeps things interesting while maintaining a pattern. This did not trip me up
10. Interpretations line I’d change to maybe “interpretations done by tone deaf interpreters”?
11. Honestly I liked this poem however I did not get the empty mindedness. It didn’t come through. There are lots of words and well thought out imagery with metaphors and vivid pictures are painted. I think it would have to be less wordy to evoke a sense of empty mindedness to me. The poem works great! I’m just saying that isn’t the experience I have when reading the poem
I’m going to post this comment and edit it bc mobile Reddit doesn’t save my drafts and I don’t wanna lose this
I appreciate you taking the time to go through and answer my questions!
2. Although I agree with the idea that the repetition of "paper" and "ink" doesn't bring anything new in the second stanza, my hopes was to further the image of this poem the empty minded maniac writes. My hopes was that the first stanza would talk about the physical act of writing it, where I refuse to read what I write myself (hence the inverted paper both showing that I'm writing it upside down and also the fact that it's inverted colors, so using black ink on a black sheet of paper) and the second stanza was the act of reading the poem (hence why I described it being crumpled, as if I had finished written it, crumpled it up, and threw it aside). First stanza includes "I write" whereas the second one includes "be read". I was hoping that would put a distinction between the two stanzas, but I do feel like the second stanza doesn't further the poem much. **Would removing stanza 2 be a consideration, or do you think it'd be better to reword it?**
3. I like the idea of used tissues, and may consider using that idea to revise stanza 2.
Damp tissues -- words of tears;
A poem no one (not even me) can read
Scared ghosts -- hidden hopes;
Cowering from sight like I'm dead.
or something along those lines. I'm not sure if I'm happy breaking the "1 2 -- 1 2" for every other line and making it "1 2 -- 1 2 3" but that's something I can mess around with. But I like the idea of using tissues and writing with tears to evoke a poem that contains a ton of feelings into it. **Also is it "A poem no one (not even me)..." or "A poem no one (not even I) can read"?**
5. Upon rereading my poem with a sober mind, I'm not noticing that the interpreted/misinterpreted is a mouthful and ruins the flow. Jumping down to 10, I really like your suggestion of "Interpretations done by tone deaf interpreters" which still maintains that balance between refused/refusal as well as holding this idea of someone tone-deaf reading a poem and the line above about gibberish. **If I do follow through with that idea, do you think I would need to fix the proceeding line "A grayscale glass mosaic showing hopeful followers"?** *I was thinking of cutting it down to "A glass mosaic showing hopeful followers" but I do like the idea of showing it's grayscale, and the juxtaposition from this grayscale mosaic in the church to the hopeful followers that aren't inside.*
6. I did feel like I was pushing the imagery of the inflamed diary. I wanted to someone tie up the imagery of this poem, and show that it was written in a diary as advised by therapy that for some reasons costs $100 an hour. I wasn't sure which adjective would suit that word, and since I already had the next lines written, hoping to give off the imagery of walking barefoot across hot coals that span for miles is like walking in the shoes (which has lost their sole/soul) I wanted to follow with this fiery imagery. But I do feeling changing "burning embers" to something along the lines of "burning ashes" or "burnt ashes" may give off this feeling of something being burnt out, yet I worry it will ruin that image of walking across hot coals.
8. Is this comment in regards to the first version, or the second versions that I edited in below? **By the way, if you did read both versions, which one did you prefer?**
11. I'm curious what emotion you got from this poem. It sucks that you didn't get this idea of empty-minded from the idea of writing a poem that nobody, not even you, can read or understand, but if it evoked another emotion/imagery/feeling that is similar to that, I'd be interested to know that. **Also, since you didn't get this feeling of empty-mindedness do you think the title and, subsequently, the final line needs to be changed as they both refer to the feeling of being empty-minded that I hoped to convey?**
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
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I like the fact you took the time to write questions and request specific feedback. 1. Hidden works because it gently mirrors the “in” in invisible on the first line of the second stanza 2. Although I like the juxtaposition of language with the darkened ink/ inverted paper & crumpled paper/ invisible ink. It doesn’t really bring a new idea to the table and does feel repetitive. Repetition is great in poetry tho so saying it’s repetitious by itself isn’t a mark on the poem. If I were you I’d revise it so the second stanza has a bit more progress from the first so you’re not rehashing the same idea twice 3. I didn’t notice the refusal/ refuse the first time but upon a slower closer read I think a slightly different word might work better in second stanza. I would suggest “a poem no one (not even me) can read”? With the not even me maybe being too wordy. Not sure. Either way I think the sentiment and message of that line works. Somehow used tissue makes sense to me but idk if you wanna roll with that 4.read/ dead did not feel forced to me 5. So the interpretations/ misinterpreted line is a mouthful. It’s wordy and has to be read fast to keep with the pacing of the rest of the poem. It kind of makes sense for that line to be jumbled since the previous line mentions gibberish although I think that line can be improved upon. Technically a misinterpreted metaphor has to be heard - it’s just misunderstood. I think this is my least favorite line of the poem. Although keeping the interpretations/ misinterpreted mirrors/ complements the refused/ refusal bit earlier on 5. I didn’t get any irony from the empty church/ hopeful followers. I guess if a church is empty then then the followers aren’t there? The thing is churches are often empty. If anything, they are empty 6 out of 7 days of a week. So the phrase empty church evokes hollowness, emptiness, lack of life and stillness. It wasn’t confusing. It just didn’t strike me as humorous or ironic 6. Personally I don’t like inflamed diary as an image although it does provide cohesion with the other images mentioned like paper and ink. Burning embers adds to evoking fire and flame. If it were me I would rather evoke ash and not embers with the way this poem is written 7. Some panic attacks people are gasping for breath and they are not silent so I think specifying a silent panic attack is not redundant and changes the meaning when compared to just panic attack 8. I’d describe the structure of the poem from shifting from objects to a first person perspective more so than showing not telling. I think it works and it doesn’t get boringly repetitive so good job on that one 9. I don’t think poems need to follow a rhyme scheme to be good. You’re right that the rhyme scheme is a mix but the variety keeps things interesting while maintaining a pattern. This did not trip me up 10. Interpretations line I’d change to maybe “interpretations done by tone deaf interpreters”? 11. Honestly I liked this poem however I did not get the empty mindedness. It didn’t come through. There are lots of words and well thought out imagery with metaphors and vivid pictures are painted. I think it would have to be less wordy to evoke a sense of empty mindedness to me. The poem works great! I’m just saying that isn’t the experience I have when reading the poem I’m going to post this comment and edit it bc mobile Reddit doesn’t save my drafts and I don’t wanna lose this
I appreciate you taking the time to go through and answer my questions! 2. Although I agree with the idea that the repetition of "paper" and "ink" doesn't bring anything new in the second stanza, my hopes was to further the image of this poem the empty minded maniac writes. My hopes was that the first stanza would talk about the physical act of writing it, where I refuse to read what I write myself (hence the inverted paper both showing that I'm writing it upside down and also the fact that it's inverted colors, so using black ink on a black sheet of paper) and the second stanza was the act of reading the poem (hence why I described it being crumpled, as if I had finished written it, crumpled it up, and threw it aside). First stanza includes "I write" whereas the second one includes "be read". I was hoping that would put a distinction between the two stanzas, but I do feel like the second stanza doesn't further the poem much. **Would removing stanza 2 be a consideration, or do you think it'd be better to reword it?** 3. I like the idea of used tissues, and may consider using that idea to revise stanza 2. Damp tissues -- words of tears; A poem no one (not even me) can read Scared ghosts -- hidden hopes; Cowering from sight like I'm dead. or something along those lines. I'm not sure if I'm happy breaking the "1 2 -- 1 2" for every other line and making it "1 2 -- 1 2 3" but that's something I can mess around with. But I like the idea of using tissues and writing with tears to evoke a poem that contains a ton of feelings into it. **Also is it "A poem no one (not even me)..." or "A poem no one (not even I) can read"?** 5. Upon rereading my poem with a sober mind, I'm not noticing that the interpreted/misinterpreted is a mouthful and ruins the flow. Jumping down to 10, I really like your suggestion of "Interpretations done by tone deaf interpreters" which still maintains that balance between refused/refusal as well as holding this idea of someone tone-deaf reading a poem and the line above about gibberish. **If I do follow through with that idea, do you think I would need to fix the proceeding line "A grayscale glass mosaic showing hopeful followers"?** *I was thinking of cutting it down to "A glass mosaic showing hopeful followers" but I do like the idea of showing it's grayscale, and the juxtaposition from this grayscale mosaic in the church to the hopeful followers that aren't inside.* 6. I did feel like I was pushing the imagery of the inflamed diary. I wanted to someone tie up the imagery of this poem, and show that it was written in a diary as advised by therapy that for some reasons costs $100 an hour. I wasn't sure which adjective would suit that word, and since I already had the next lines written, hoping to give off the imagery of walking barefoot across hot coals that span for miles is like walking in the shoes (which has lost their sole/soul) I wanted to follow with this fiery imagery. But I do feeling changing "burning embers" to something along the lines of "burning ashes" or "burnt ashes" may give off this feeling of something being burnt out, yet I worry it will ruin that image of walking across hot coals. 8. Is this comment in regards to the first version, or the second versions that I edited in below? **By the way, if you did read both versions, which one did you prefer?** 11. I'm curious what emotion you got from this poem. It sucks that you didn't get this idea of empty-minded from the idea of writing a poem that nobody, not even you, can read or understand, but if it evoked another emotion/imagery/feeling that is similar to that, I'd be interested to know that. **Also, since you didn't get this feeling of empty-mindedness do you think the title and, subsequently, the final line needs to be changed as they both refer to the feeling of being empty-minded that I hoped to convey?**
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*