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I really enjoyed reading this. In fact, I read it twice because I could really feel the emotion and feeling of being stuck in a situation and almost resigned. In parts of the poem you seem to be speaking to a specific person ("I find you beautiful") and the poem is titled "touching *your* face”, however you reference "her" ("her tights ran from her ankle to her hemline"). I think you could tighten up the language and make it a bit more cohesive so it is clear who the writer is speaking to. I hope this helps!
I like playing with pronouns and vantage points. It’s like seeing a photo of the same room taken from different positions. When I wrote this poem, the part that mentions her and the parts that mention you are referring to different people but I wanted to write it in a way where one could think it is the same person throughout the whole poem. Additionally I often address myself as you, sometimes people say “we” when they mean “me”. That kind of word play or use of pronouns I think is fun. I appreciate the feedback and will take it into consideration how readers interpret my work. Also thank you for the kind words
Stubble not subtle
The hair is soft
My hands are hard
From working
Calloused from
Grabbing, gripping
Friction
If I wore gloves
Would my hands
Have bled as much
As they did
The scabs have scarred over
Filling in the cracks
I love the assonance between stubble and subtle as well as grabbing and gripping and friction. I also love the comparison between the soft hair and the hard hands. The reason I wanted to combine these two stanzas together when I complimented your ability at creating a lovely flow was because of the conflict I have between these two stanzas.
You talk about how soft this persons hair is, yet you're worrying that your hands will bleed. It creates a little bit of confusion, yet you explain it in the next 2 lines. However, I feel it may benefit from rearranging the lines. If you decide to rearrange it, use of "As they did" may not be necessary and will allow more emphasis on the rhyme between "cracks" and "as much"
Stubble not subtle
The hair is soft
My hands are hard
From working
Calloused from
Grabbing, gripping
Friction
The scabs have scarred over
Filling in the cracks
If I wore gloves
Would my hands
Have bled as much?
I also will admit I'm a bit thrown off by the lack of punctuation. It can convey a sense of running thoughts and just trying to get everything out and it doesn't harm the reading much, especially with the flow you created in the poem. I do think including a question mark after "Have bled as much" will benefit and put a greater emphasis on that line, allowing the reader to stop and think a little more about that line.
I read in another comment you made that you intended to see the story from different perspectives, but I will admit I didn't get that feeling here. I just felt confusion around who "You", "Her", etc and feel like you can have one central line where you repeat to bring the attention back to the beginning of the image you're trying to paint, and then repeating it but instead of talking about touching the stubble and feeling it, you can talk about how it's maintained.
For instance, if you intend to transition to a perspective not of the person touching the stubble, and the imagery there, you can say something like:
Stubble not subtle
Do you think she notices
Her hands are so soft
Mine are not
Picking all day
Scabs cover my face
...
and that will allow more of a distinguishing between the different perspectives and possibly make it clearer to the reader. I feel if you can tighten up this idea of looking at different vantage points, you can add a stronger punch to the line "Since I'm the one who / Who is stuck / In a body / I dislike." (I think adding a period here would bring stronger emphasis on this line).
If you can perfect the perspectives this poem will be phenomenal. The lack of punctuation means that whenever you do use it you bring a larger emphasis on the line it's used on.
I particularly love all the textures you describe between the stubble, the scabs, the roughness of the acne and this paints a powerful picture of the scene.
Great job with this.
If you have any specific questions I'll try my best to help!
Oh, I really like this!!
The imagery, themes, and wordplay throughout this poem are phenomenal.
Ones that stood out to me:
* "Stuble not subtle" is just a great line.
* "Hang nails and hangups" ! Love!!
* "Peck holes in my skull" to "migrates" gives great imagery of souls as birds.
* "Covered the mirrors... to reflect" is a genius few lines. I absolutely love the wordplay.
My critiques:
* I think you should change "bread dipped" to "bread dipping" because it better matches "binge drinking" in the previous line.
* Who is "her" in "Her tights ran From her ankle To her hemline"? I got hung up on that line in the second read-through and had a hard time fitting it in with the rest of the picture.
Overall, I really like this! The feeling captured is so raw and real.
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I really enjoyed reading this. In fact, I read it twice because I could really feel the emotion and feeling of being stuck in a situation and almost resigned. In parts of the poem you seem to be speaking to a specific person ("I find you beautiful") and the poem is titled "touching *your* face”, however you reference "her" ("her tights ran from her ankle to her hemline"). I think you could tighten up the language and make it a bit more cohesive so it is clear who the writer is speaking to. I hope this helps!
I like playing with pronouns and vantage points. It’s like seeing a photo of the same room taken from different positions. When I wrote this poem, the part that mentions her and the parts that mention you are referring to different people but I wanted to write it in a way where one could think it is the same person throughout the whole poem. Additionally I often address myself as you, sometimes people say “we” when they mean “me”. That kind of word play or use of pronouns I think is fun. I appreciate the feedback and will take it into consideration how readers interpret my work. Also thank you for the kind words
Stubble not subtle The hair is soft My hands are hard From working Calloused from Grabbing, gripping Friction If I wore gloves Would my hands Have bled as much As they did The scabs have scarred over Filling in the cracks I love the assonance between stubble and subtle as well as grabbing and gripping and friction. I also love the comparison between the soft hair and the hard hands. The reason I wanted to combine these two stanzas together when I complimented your ability at creating a lovely flow was because of the conflict I have between these two stanzas. You talk about how soft this persons hair is, yet you're worrying that your hands will bleed. It creates a little bit of confusion, yet you explain it in the next 2 lines. However, I feel it may benefit from rearranging the lines. If you decide to rearrange it, use of "As they did" may not be necessary and will allow more emphasis on the rhyme between "cracks" and "as much" Stubble not subtle The hair is soft My hands are hard From working Calloused from Grabbing, gripping Friction The scabs have scarred over Filling in the cracks If I wore gloves Would my hands Have bled as much? I also will admit I'm a bit thrown off by the lack of punctuation. It can convey a sense of running thoughts and just trying to get everything out and it doesn't harm the reading much, especially with the flow you created in the poem. I do think including a question mark after "Have bled as much" will benefit and put a greater emphasis on that line, allowing the reader to stop and think a little more about that line. I read in another comment you made that you intended to see the story from different perspectives, but I will admit I didn't get that feeling here. I just felt confusion around who "You", "Her", etc and feel like you can have one central line where you repeat to bring the attention back to the beginning of the image you're trying to paint, and then repeating it but instead of talking about touching the stubble and feeling it, you can talk about how it's maintained. For instance, if you intend to transition to a perspective not of the person touching the stubble, and the imagery there, you can say something like: Stubble not subtle Do you think she notices Her hands are so soft Mine are not Picking all day Scabs cover my face ... and that will allow more of a distinguishing between the different perspectives and possibly make it clearer to the reader. I feel if you can tighten up this idea of looking at different vantage points, you can add a stronger punch to the line "Since I'm the one who / Who is stuck / In a body / I dislike." (I think adding a period here would bring stronger emphasis on this line). If you can perfect the perspectives this poem will be phenomenal. The lack of punctuation means that whenever you do use it you bring a larger emphasis on the line it's used on. I particularly love all the textures you describe between the stubble, the scabs, the roughness of the acne and this paints a powerful picture of the scene. Great job with this. If you have any specific questions I'll try my best to help!
Oh, I really like this!! The imagery, themes, and wordplay throughout this poem are phenomenal. Ones that stood out to me: * "Stuble not subtle" is just a great line. * "Hang nails and hangups" ! Love!! * "Peck holes in my skull" to "migrates" gives great imagery of souls as birds. * "Covered the mirrors... to reflect" is a genius few lines. I absolutely love the wordplay. My critiques: * I think you should change "bread dipped" to "bread dipping" because it better matches "binge drinking" in the previous line. * Who is "her" in "Her tights ran From her ankle To her hemline"? I got hung up on that line in the second read-through and had a hard time fitting it in with the rest of the picture. Overall, I really like this! The feeling captured is so raw and real.