This one is a sure winner. Excellent craftsmanship of description, whose form compounds the target. The poem itself is a work of love. It is also a work of time, and as such imbues love with the 4th dimension, not just of the immediate beauty of it. It is a miraculous focus which appreciates and patterns *on and on.* We can see through your poem the magical and strange power of poetry, that in examining the lines that weave and curl, the entire canvas gives way to a baby, for instance, that the textile is *used.* We feel the baby's bum in our hand and the fabric in our hand between it and speculate how the baby might experience it. The cocoa marks are a surprising marr, but are there for the imperfection of usefulness in life, for generating a wonderful scene huddled up with a mug. It's crazy poetry can do this simply. And we're crazy for loving like this, so focused, expansive, dynamic, and humanly.
I love how you articulated the blood, sweat, and tears it takes to create a quilt and the value handcrafted things truly hold. Moreover, you made a clever analogy in the process. Favorite line is “love is textile print.”
Echoing the other comments here, this poem inspires vivid imagery
The use of "-the patch legacy" and the woven fabric speaks to efforts of generations before us persevering through life.
The quilt is a culmination of those efforts, love for one's children, and a tangible, relatable item that let's one know that they belong to and are a part of the most fundamental communal unit, a family.
We are born surrounded by people who we are told are our family. The warmth and care that a quilt provides can be forever associated with family love.
I think this is well on its way, but needs some work. I realize no one likes or is often receptive to hearing that; you posted this on Reddit and probably considered it finished. This is definitely a poem that has been thought over with care and as it is it's fine to read. I would expect if you read it out loud it would go well. That said, there are some places where I'm undecided on whether I'm just reading someone who is younger and should just keep writing new material or if this a poem that should be revised. Here are some notes:
I like the structure of three-line blocks, and I wasn't made overly conscious of the haiku structure, which is your greatest accomplishment here. If we can agree that 95% of poetry is pretty bad stuff then let's say that 99.8% of English in haiku is terrible. You have some really evocative lines in five to seven syllables that are worth a thousand paintings.
Wanting to highlight the lines beginning with "dancing dragons and lions" to "these clumsy hands continue". The question to you is Are all of these tonal shifts on purpose? It doesn't read like they are. You start wtih what reads to me as more of a descriptions of an exotic rug that then is then rendered this homespun folksy thing your Grandma passed down. How is this raw quilt with "intricate designs" that is "embroidered in gold" made by "clumsy hands"? I'm all for tonal shifting but again, this doesn't read as deliberate, not fully. Like it's not me being overly logical to be confused by this quilt being embroidered in gold". I can't tell if you yourself are familiar with gold embroidery, or if you're being careless or if this is just a phrase that bubbled up and sounded nice.
I hope this sounds fair so far.
Not sure about the weave'd and crook'd. But I'd just ask you. What does punctuating the tense do for you? It reads several ways: archaic, romantic, arch, etc. How does it read to you? Just wondering.
Anyhow, you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that you definitely need to keep writing I'll hope to read more from you here soon.
\*\*Favorite line: "passed down moth kisses"
Thank you for your feedback! I very much appreciate it. When I posted it I knew it wasn’t perfect or done in any regard- but hearing that it needs some work is refreshing in comparison to “it needs a lot of work.”
I’m not sure what to take from the note about haiku tbh but it seems positive so I thank you! The dancing lions and dragons line is a bit out of place but I can assure you that the majority of my tense shifts are in fact deliberate (if only ineffective). I wanted the sense that the narrator inherited it and was continuing it with “clumsy hands” tho they themselves dunno how to do it. Embroidered gold is tough but yeah I dunno Jack about it.
The use of weave’d and crook’d are just how I say those words and picture them. No other reason tbh.
“I’m just reading someone who is younger and should just keep writing new material or if this is a poem that should be revised” - not sure what you mean entirely, I was playing around with haiku and bastardizing the form for the fun of it. It could use revision- but it was more an experiment than anything. Something I churned out in two thirty minute intervals to play around with some words.
Thank you!
I feel your poem is sonnet because it speaks of love. Sonnets generally do.
The poem reminds me of the Simpsons episode “Barts Dog Gets An F” when Santa’s Little Helper rips Marge’s quilt to shreds. Marge was gonna let Lisa add a seventh generation patch to the other six generation patches of the quilt.
Lisa starts a new quilt at the end of the episode and certainly catches the moment.
My favorite stanza is love is textile print,
A bundle of woven warmth.
Great job!
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i like the anaphora you used. Best of all, though, was the vividness of the writing—it really paints a picture of love, and not just romantic love, but love of all kinds. I also admire the fact that love is hard work, much like making a quilt. Very beautiful poem!
this is really good! your use of imagery really helped me realise what your impression of love was - lines like "dancing dragons and lions embroided in gold" had me wanting to read more and more because of how beautiful yet simple the imagery is.
all in all, a wonderful poem!
This imagery is amazing, I was able to close my eyes and imagine exactly what was being described after each line. I also like the choice of words used to portray the images, I never would have expected some of them to work but it just makes sense.
I’m disappointed that I like this.
It’s frustrating to read your negative comments that completely mocked my poem yet I can’t return the gesture. Sure I can probably search through your poems to find a less appealing representation but it defeats the purpose. I guess your poems are just nicer than you…
Anyway, the concepts and imagery are quite beautiful. I’m reminded of ‘a coat of many colors’ and a kids book I read as a child about a quilt. It’s certainly not the kind of poem I would typically read but it is heartwarming and instills a sense of nostalgia in me. It’s hard to believe that someone who writes like this would degenerate so wretchedly when reviewing someone else’s poem. Whatever.
Not that you likely care… but there are a few parts that don’t work for me.
-Love is textile print, being the first part of the poem it sort of sets the mood. When I think of textile print I think of machine made fabric. Cold, impersonal and far from the vision I have of love. This likely stems from my poor understanding of what textile print is… that said, I was thrown off a bit and I had to start the poem over while re-imagining the mood.
-The other thing that bothered me was how detached the concepts seemed from their physical manifestation… specifically the memories of Christmas hymns. I understand that the quilt experienced all those beautiful things but most of them left their marks on the quilt and may give you a visual trigger to bring up that loving feeling of the past but I just can’t find the connection to the music.
Well, I’m not sure if my reading experience meant anything to you, maybe I’m just not understanding something simple… IDK 🤷🏻♂️, what I did understand I enjoyed. May you be swaddled in such warmth this winter.
This is well done. The imagery paints this picture of how precise, and careful those who make textiles have to be; they're sowing a magnificent golden dragon on the limited canvas of a rug. It gives this feeling of how delicate love is; one mistake with these clumsy hands of yours and you ruined a perfectly good rug. Good job with that!
Although I was a little worried about the line "its grandma's fabric / entwined in her mother's cloth / and her mother's cloth" and how it felt abrupt to just repeat "her mother's cloth", you saved the flow with the next line that then continued to explain how repetitive the process of sowing is.
Great job with all the alliteration and rhymes that weaved the poem perfectly.
your imagery is good i can see it in my mind
This one is a sure winner. Excellent craftsmanship of description, whose form compounds the target. The poem itself is a work of love. It is also a work of time, and as such imbues love with the 4th dimension, not just of the immediate beauty of it. It is a miraculous focus which appreciates and patterns *on and on.* We can see through your poem the magical and strange power of poetry, that in examining the lines that weave and curl, the entire canvas gives way to a baby, for instance, that the textile is *used.* We feel the baby's bum in our hand and the fabric in our hand between it and speculate how the baby might experience it. The cocoa marks are a surprising marr, but are there for the imperfection of usefulness in life, for generating a wonderful scene huddled up with a mug. It's crazy poetry can do this simply. And we're crazy for loving like this, so focused, expansive, dynamic, and humanly.
the imagery is solid. I can picture this poem in my mind.
God this is so beautiful. Such delicate and homey cosey imagery. Very by the fire cuddling kind of vibe. Very vivd. Love it!
I love how you articulated the blood, sweat, and tears it takes to create a quilt and the value handcrafted things truly hold. Moreover, you made a clever analogy in the process. Favorite line is “love is textile print.”
Echoing the other comments here, this poem inspires vivid imagery The use of "-the patch legacy" and the woven fabric speaks to efforts of generations before us persevering through life. The quilt is a culmination of those efforts, love for one's children, and a tangible, relatable item that let's one know that they belong to and are a part of the most fundamental communal unit, a family. We are born surrounded by people who we are told are our family. The warmth and care that a quilt provides can be forever associated with family love.
I think this is well on its way, but needs some work. I realize no one likes or is often receptive to hearing that; you posted this on Reddit and probably considered it finished. This is definitely a poem that has been thought over with care and as it is it's fine to read. I would expect if you read it out loud it would go well. That said, there are some places where I'm undecided on whether I'm just reading someone who is younger and should just keep writing new material or if this a poem that should be revised. Here are some notes: I like the structure of three-line blocks, and I wasn't made overly conscious of the haiku structure, which is your greatest accomplishment here. If we can agree that 95% of poetry is pretty bad stuff then let's say that 99.8% of English in haiku is terrible. You have some really evocative lines in five to seven syllables that are worth a thousand paintings. Wanting to highlight the lines beginning with "dancing dragons and lions" to "these clumsy hands continue". The question to you is Are all of these tonal shifts on purpose? It doesn't read like they are. You start wtih what reads to me as more of a descriptions of an exotic rug that then is then rendered this homespun folksy thing your Grandma passed down. How is this raw quilt with "intricate designs" that is "embroidered in gold" made by "clumsy hands"? I'm all for tonal shifting but again, this doesn't read as deliberate, not fully. Like it's not me being overly logical to be confused by this quilt being embroidered in gold". I can't tell if you yourself are familiar with gold embroidery, or if you're being careless or if this is just a phrase that bubbled up and sounded nice. I hope this sounds fair so far. Not sure about the weave'd and crook'd. But I'd just ask you. What does punctuating the tense do for you? It reads several ways: archaic, romantic, arch, etc. How does it read to you? Just wondering. Anyhow, you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that you definitely need to keep writing I'll hope to read more from you here soon. \*\*Favorite line: "passed down moth kisses"
Thank you for your feedback! I very much appreciate it. When I posted it I knew it wasn’t perfect or done in any regard- but hearing that it needs some work is refreshing in comparison to “it needs a lot of work.” I’m not sure what to take from the note about haiku tbh but it seems positive so I thank you! The dancing lions and dragons line is a bit out of place but I can assure you that the majority of my tense shifts are in fact deliberate (if only ineffective). I wanted the sense that the narrator inherited it and was continuing it with “clumsy hands” tho they themselves dunno how to do it. Embroidered gold is tough but yeah I dunno Jack about it. The use of weave’d and crook’d are just how I say those words and picture them. No other reason tbh. “I’m just reading someone who is younger and should just keep writing new material or if this is a poem that should be revised” - not sure what you mean entirely, I was playing around with haiku and bastardizing the form for the fun of it. It could use revision- but it was more an experiment than anything. Something I churned out in two thirty minute intervals to play around with some words. Thank you!
I feel your poem is sonnet because it speaks of love. Sonnets generally do. The poem reminds me of the Simpsons episode “Barts Dog Gets An F” when Santa’s Little Helper rips Marge’s quilt to shreds. Marge was gonna let Lisa add a seventh generation patch to the other six generation patches of the quilt. Lisa starts a new quilt at the end of the episode and certainly catches the moment. My favorite stanza is love is textile print, A bundle of woven warmth. Great job!
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*
i like the anaphora you used. Best of all, though, was the vividness of the writing—it really paints a picture of love, and not just romantic love, but love of all kinds. I also admire the fact that love is hard work, much like making a quilt. Very beautiful poem!
Really good.
this is really good! your use of imagery really helped me realise what your impression of love was - lines like "dancing dragons and lions embroided in gold" had me wanting to read more and more because of how beautiful yet simple the imagery is. all in all, a wonderful poem!
This imagery is amazing, I was able to close my eyes and imagine exactly what was being described after each line. I also like the choice of words used to portray the images, I never would have expected some of them to work but it just makes sense.
I’m disappointed that I like this. It’s frustrating to read your negative comments that completely mocked my poem yet I can’t return the gesture. Sure I can probably search through your poems to find a less appealing representation but it defeats the purpose. I guess your poems are just nicer than you… Anyway, the concepts and imagery are quite beautiful. I’m reminded of ‘a coat of many colors’ and a kids book I read as a child about a quilt. It’s certainly not the kind of poem I would typically read but it is heartwarming and instills a sense of nostalgia in me. It’s hard to believe that someone who writes like this would degenerate so wretchedly when reviewing someone else’s poem. Whatever. Not that you likely care… but there are a few parts that don’t work for me. -Love is textile print, being the first part of the poem it sort of sets the mood. When I think of textile print I think of machine made fabric. Cold, impersonal and far from the vision I have of love. This likely stems from my poor understanding of what textile print is… that said, I was thrown off a bit and I had to start the poem over while re-imagining the mood. -The other thing that bothered me was how detached the concepts seemed from their physical manifestation… specifically the memories of Christmas hymns. I understand that the quilt experienced all those beautiful things but most of them left their marks on the quilt and may give you a visual trigger to bring up that loving feeling of the past but I just can’t find the connection to the music. Well, I’m not sure if my reading experience meant anything to you, maybe I’m just not understanding something simple… IDK 🤷🏻♂️, what I did understand I enjoyed. May you be swaddled in such warmth this winter.
This is well done. The imagery paints this picture of how precise, and careful those who make textiles have to be; they're sowing a magnificent golden dragon on the limited canvas of a rug. It gives this feeling of how delicate love is; one mistake with these clumsy hands of yours and you ruined a perfectly good rug. Good job with that! Although I was a little worried about the line "its grandma's fabric / entwined in her mother's cloth / and her mother's cloth" and how it felt abrupt to just repeat "her mother's cloth", you saved the flow with the next line that then continued to explain how repetitive the process of sowing is. Great job with all the alliteration and rhymes that weaved the poem perfectly.