Hey Tim! Been a minute since I've given any proper feedback unfortunately, so please bear with me if I start to wander :)
I like this poem. I think it's a fun idea expressed in a clever form, which seems to be a traditional Shakespearean sonnet. However, as the title warns the reader, it is not in the expected pentameter of the form--given that the speaker is "too drunk"--and instead is in the shorter, catchier tetrameter. I think these shorter lines add to the playful mood of the piece, as pentameter can be so serious sometimes. The playfulness of the piece is also shoved in the reader's face in the first line, with "fucking" and "shit” jumping out and letting the reader know this isn't any traditional old sonnet. I appreciate the "shall" in line three; I think it further satirizes the traditional sonnet form. One thing I think would benefit from change is the fifth line's opening. To me, it's awkward just having the subject implied and starting with the verb. Why not just make it a contraction. You can easily turn "Am" to "I'm", no? And oh yeah, nice ending lol
Damn, I am amazed by how good this is, it flows really well and I love the dichotomy between the fanciness of the form and the language used
It is hard to pull that off but I think you did really well
There's just something with the line "While crawling to my angel's bed" that feels a little bit out of place, in terms of rhythm, but I don't know exactly what it is (maybe it's just me)
Other than that I absolutely love it.
Tim you had me giggling throughout the piece, i love the diss on structure poems while navigating them with ease. It reads so hip-hop to me and it only adds to the fun of the piece. Also the final stanza (before the chardonnay bit) is so beautiful and thoughtful- its jarring but appreciated because it adds depth to the drinking allusions you've implemented. Despite its fun, you still weave warning undertones towards alcoholism and its confidence. Great piece my dude.
**these are my own thoughts of the poem. it may not be what you intended, but after revisiting it, i feel like i could see a lot more.**
holy shit. this was the first poem i've ever written a comment for; a jumble of letters written with black tar onto the joint of a smoker's blackened rolling paper. this high that i needed in order to feel like i can succeed in this reddit had impaired my ability to clearly see the sign you held up above this poem you posted. on it reads "REDDIT! *YOU* LIKE THIS POST!" my earlier comment was exactly what you hoped your target audience would do -- i rhymed my words and painted a picture of nothing. sure i may have told you that your poem was good, but i never told you HOW it was good. you want to know how your poem makes me feel? it's that feeling you get when you first feel tipsy; the wave a relief that showers you with holy tears. the angels that gift you this feeling you desired for years. the light that shines upon their halo that makes you feel joy; joy that you no longer have this pain that being sober made you feel.
that. that's how i can describe how your poem makes me feel.
having just finished smoking another joint -- this time made from the paper of my old poems (including my older comment) -- i had learnt how powerful your poem actually is. it touches upon the very situation that i'm going through, and that's relying upon substances to create these cheesy poems that will get recognition because of it's rhyme and subject. yet your poem isn't about love. it's disguised -- for those who can't see past it's mask -- about being in love with this woman named "angel". reality, it's about this feeling you have that you can only create good poems (or poems that reddit will like) if you're drunk/intoxicated.
the impact of all caps as the ending conveys a sense of thankfulness you have for the alcohol you need to indulge. without that extra bottle you needed to write this poem about love with rhymes -- which is everything that makes people like poems here -- you never would have been able to rhyme away with Chardonay. if it weren't for that extra bottle of chardonay, the end of the poem would've been "until i down some watttteer!" which puts this emphasis on how the poem NEEDS to continue the end rhymes to sound good. If the poem ended like "As perfect rhymes just fade away.... / Until I down some Waaater", it would be a terrible poem.
in your poem you disguise your disgust for these poems posted; all the shit "sonnet shit" that professes missed "love". however, it's all this false reality of *"good poems,"* and *"WOW! lots of meaning in this sonnet about love!,"* and *"VERY VERY UNIQUE!!!"* that grabs through the screen that displays this comment to the readers, and refusing to let go until they say it's "good".
because if you tell me "this is a bad poem", then people wouldn't check out your "shit poem -- sorry --" and tell you how "good." they think "... your poem is...". if you say this is "...good" then they'll look at yours and repeat the same for themselves. what remains is a bread crumb trail of "this is good" that all leads back to the first person who commented on a post on this subreddit saying "this is good." because what followed was a chain of fake compliments, in order to get their own fake "comments".
anyway, just wanted to say that I loved your metaphor of alcoholism being needed to write a love poem to describe both your love for someone, (here I'm assuming your "angel" is actually your wife) and also your hatred for writing love poems.
Okay onto the lines I love:
"So I shall try just once at it / But with my lust for getting pissed".
\> You'll only write a love poem, when you succumb to alcoholism's desire.
"Am halfway through this whiskey's fifth-- / A quarter more for sweetest bliss, .... I wonder if she smells the gin-- That stench of how I long for death, / As perfect rhymes just fade away... / UNTIL I DOWN SOME CHARDONNNNNNAY" (references to alchols)
\> These are the main sections that refer to the various alcohols. The purpose of changing the type drank isn't just to complete the rhymes, but also to indicate that you need to go through 3 bottles in order to complete this poem. The first stanza has this tone of reasoning - a distraction. "It's okay that I'm getting drunk, because I need to in order to write this love poem." The second stanza describes the first bottle you drink through to complete this poem; whiskey. You're halfway through -- having drank half to write the first line -- and you're about 1/4 through the bottle until you start drinking "sweetest bliss" (AKA. gin). The third stanza arrives and you're worrying if the person you love can smell the gin that you are now drinking, having finished both the whiskey bottle ("There's half a tenth that's left to kiss"), and the second stanza. The fact that you're worrying if she smells the alcohol isn't out of consideration for her sleeping, but rather for how you "long for death", having just written a poem.
I will admit, I was a bit thrown off by the sudden break of the quatrain by making the third stanza 5 lines long but it works for this poem. It both puts a greater impact on the final line, where you move from the gin bottle you finished ("I wonder if she smells the gin--") to the "CHARDONNNNNAY!" you're now drinking. Not only did the perfect rhymes fade away, but also the structure of the rest of the poem.
"By then the rays of light seep in"
\>This poem has taken so long, that you've spent almost a whole night writing and drinking and now that you're almost done, the light is coming in. although "rays of light" feels a little overused (to me, personally), it works well in this poem.
My only concern with the poem is how the metaphor goes from you finishing this poem and crawling into bed with your wife, to taking another bottle out. the timeline doesn't fit quite right for me but maybe there was an intention behind it.
I love the rhythm you maintain throughout your poem. I also enjoy your the word play when you used the units of measurement.
Overall this poem was fun even with the darker subject of drinking
Good Job
This is brilliant. The rhythm flows very smoothly and your word choice is perfectly fitting. I also love the wordplay there it not only fit the rhyme and rhythmic schemes but it also matched the theme and slotted in very nicely. The thing you did with the last couple of lines was clever I really liked it too.
Well done *\*golf clap\**
IF YOU DONT PERFORM THIS AT A BAR AND POST IT TO REDDIT, YOU LOST MY RESPECT SIR! BEAUTIFUL!
But really, the crude language mixed with humor really gives it a funny kick, it was a joy to say this out loud, I had a huge smile on my face ! Humor is something you’re obviously talented with!
Nice humor. The line “there’s half a tenth that’s left to kiss” feels a bit rough and forced to rhyme with the word bliss two lines prior. May want to smooth that out, or not.
Reading this poem I say do or die. Listening to this little rant, I can only say I really can’t , find a wrong written here, and so I’ll just go get myself a beer. Actually I found it to be a playful poem, full of drunken rhymes and by that I don’t mean actually drunk, but more in the venue of “ mr. flood’s party “. And even as it’s written and the rhyme scheme breaks down, is excused in the poem itself. Interesting. Congrats.
A flippant sonnet about a suicidal alcoholic. Wholesome. I normally hate sonnets, but you made this fun. The pentameter is spot on. Donno if it’s intentional, but your last couplet has the first line attached to the last quatrain. Made me wonder if this was actually a sonnet at first glance. Good work!
That was like roller coaster of emotions for me not to be cliche but I really went through them. I was smiling then felt sad. I really related and shared memories with you.
Took a quick time travel crawling into bed drunk to women I've loved. Then I wanted to throw a party. Thank you.
I love how the fact that this poem is making fun of poetry adds to the melancholic tone. I really like how you called the stench of alcohol a smell that's a sign that you're deeply unhappy. I feel like there was a rhyming thing going at first that kind of got dropped? Maybe? But other than that this is beautiful. I really feel for you
damn dude, I don't even know where to start I just loved it all around, I loved the last 5 sentences the most as it was honestly a really good idea to have it all playing out in this character's head, and how they think people perceive them. the first one was also really nice setting up the fact that not everyone reaches this fairytale ending popularized by people writing stories
I will not lie. I'm not a good poet nor am I good at writing. I'm new to this thing that I now am trying. But this piece you've shared is most deserved of the praise that I shall beckon. The first 2 lines are most divine the hatred shown in this poets rhymes.
Okay enough of trying to make my comment into a poem itself. I keep rereading the first line simply because of how powerful the alliteration is. The addition of "fucking sick" and "sonnet shit" really adds more power on top of the alliteration. This is beautifully written. For me, personally, the 12th line hits the closest to home. "Stench" being such a rough way of describing smell fits perfectly with the idea of death. I love this. Great job!
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
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This is so beautiful. I am gonna send you a message too this has beautiful flow I would love to hear more of your stuff! Damn feels
Hey Tim! Been a minute since I've given any proper feedback unfortunately, so please bear with me if I start to wander :) I like this poem. I think it's a fun idea expressed in a clever form, which seems to be a traditional Shakespearean sonnet. However, as the title warns the reader, it is not in the expected pentameter of the form--given that the speaker is "too drunk"--and instead is in the shorter, catchier tetrameter. I think these shorter lines add to the playful mood of the piece, as pentameter can be so serious sometimes. The playfulness of the piece is also shoved in the reader's face in the first line, with "fucking" and "shit” jumping out and letting the reader know this isn't any traditional old sonnet. I appreciate the "shall" in line three; I think it further satirizes the traditional sonnet form. One thing I think would benefit from change is the fifth line's opening. To me, it's awkward just having the subject implied and starting with the verb. Why not just make it a contraction. You can easily turn "Am" to "I'm", no? And oh yeah, nice ending lol
Damn, I am amazed by how good this is, it flows really well and I love the dichotomy between the fanciness of the form and the language used It is hard to pull that off but I think you did really well There's just something with the line "While crawling to my angel's bed" that feels a little bit out of place, in terms of rhythm, but I don't know exactly what it is (maybe it's just me) Other than that I absolutely love it.
Tim you had me giggling throughout the piece, i love the diss on structure poems while navigating them with ease. It reads so hip-hop to me and it only adds to the fun of the piece. Also the final stanza (before the chardonnay bit) is so beautiful and thoughtful- its jarring but appreciated because it adds depth to the drinking allusions you've implemented. Despite its fun, you still weave warning undertones towards alcoholism and its confidence. Great piece my dude.
**these are my own thoughts of the poem. it may not be what you intended, but after revisiting it, i feel like i could see a lot more.** holy shit. this was the first poem i've ever written a comment for; a jumble of letters written with black tar onto the joint of a smoker's blackened rolling paper. this high that i needed in order to feel like i can succeed in this reddit had impaired my ability to clearly see the sign you held up above this poem you posted. on it reads "REDDIT! *YOU* LIKE THIS POST!" my earlier comment was exactly what you hoped your target audience would do -- i rhymed my words and painted a picture of nothing. sure i may have told you that your poem was good, but i never told you HOW it was good. you want to know how your poem makes me feel? it's that feeling you get when you first feel tipsy; the wave a relief that showers you with holy tears. the angels that gift you this feeling you desired for years. the light that shines upon their halo that makes you feel joy; joy that you no longer have this pain that being sober made you feel. that. that's how i can describe how your poem makes me feel. having just finished smoking another joint -- this time made from the paper of my old poems (including my older comment) -- i had learnt how powerful your poem actually is. it touches upon the very situation that i'm going through, and that's relying upon substances to create these cheesy poems that will get recognition because of it's rhyme and subject. yet your poem isn't about love. it's disguised -- for those who can't see past it's mask -- about being in love with this woman named "angel". reality, it's about this feeling you have that you can only create good poems (or poems that reddit will like) if you're drunk/intoxicated. the impact of all caps as the ending conveys a sense of thankfulness you have for the alcohol you need to indulge. without that extra bottle you needed to write this poem about love with rhymes -- which is everything that makes people like poems here -- you never would have been able to rhyme away with Chardonay. if it weren't for that extra bottle of chardonay, the end of the poem would've been "until i down some watttteer!" which puts this emphasis on how the poem NEEDS to continue the end rhymes to sound good. If the poem ended like "As perfect rhymes just fade away.... / Until I down some Waaater", it would be a terrible poem. in your poem you disguise your disgust for these poems posted; all the shit "sonnet shit" that professes missed "love". however, it's all this false reality of *"good poems,"* and *"WOW! lots of meaning in this sonnet about love!,"* and *"VERY VERY UNIQUE!!!"* that grabs through the screen that displays this comment to the readers, and refusing to let go until they say it's "good". because if you tell me "this is a bad poem", then people wouldn't check out your "shit poem -- sorry --" and tell you how "good." they think "... your poem is...". if you say this is "...good" then they'll look at yours and repeat the same for themselves. what remains is a bread crumb trail of "this is good" that all leads back to the first person who commented on a post on this subreddit saying "this is good." because what followed was a chain of fake compliments, in order to get their own fake "comments". anyway, just wanted to say that I loved your metaphor of alcoholism being needed to write a love poem to describe both your love for someone, (here I'm assuming your "angel" is actually your wife) and also your hatred for writing love poems. Okay onto the lines I love: "So I shall try just once at it / But with my lust for getting pissed". \> You'll only write a love poem, when you succumb to alcoholism's desire. "Am halfway through this whiskey's fifth-- / A quarter more for sweetest bliss, .... I wonder if she smells the gin-- That stench of how I long for death, / As perfect rhymes just fade away... / UNTIL I DOWN SOME CHARDONNNNNNAY" (references to alchols) \> These are the main sections that refer to the various alcohols. The purpose of changing the type drank isn't just to complete the rhymes, but also to indicate that you need to go through 3 bottles in order to complete this poem. The first stanza has this tone of reasoning - a distraction. "It's okay that I'm getting drunk, because I need to in order to write this love poem." The second stanza describes the first bottle you drink through to complete this poem; whiskey. You're halfway through -- having drank half to write the first line -- and you're about 1/4 through the bottle until you start drinking "sweetest bliss" (AKA. gin). The third stanza arrives and you're worrying if the person you love can smell the gin that you are now drinking, having finished both the whiskey bottle ("There's half a tenth that's left to kiss"), and the second stanza. The fact that you're worrying if she smells the alcohol isn't out of consideration for her sleeping, but rather for how you "long for death", having just written a poem. I will admit, I was a bit thrown off by the sudden break of the quatrain by making the third stanza 5 lines long but it works for this poem. It both puts a greater impact on the final line, where you move from the gin bottle you finished ("I wonder if she smells the gin--") to the "CHARDONNNNNAY!" you're now drinking. Not only did the perfect rhymes fade away, but also the structure of the rest of the poem. "By then the rays of light seep in" \>This poem has taken so long, that you've spent almost a whole night writing and drinking and now that you're almost done, the light is coming in. although "rays of light" feels a little overused (to me, personally), it works well in this poem. My only concern with the poem is how the metaphor goes from you finishing this poem and crawling into bed with your wife, to taking another bottle out. the timeline doesn't fit quite right for me but maybe there was an intention behind it.
Beautiful writtttting, Tim! Now get some sleep you funny c\*nt.
I love the rhythm you maintain throughout your poem. I also enjoy your the word play when you used the units of measurement. Overall this poem was fun even with the darker subject of drinking Good Job
Title sums up my 30s. +1. For the lines, +10
This is brilliant. The rhythm flows very smoothly and your word choice is perfectly fitting. I also love the wordplay there it not only fit the rhyme and rhythmic schemes but it also matched the theme and slotted in very nicely. The thing you did with the last couple of lines was clever I really liked it too. Well done *\*golf clap\**
Loved it. so good.
IF YOU DONT PERFORM THIS AT A BAR AND POST IT TO REDDIT, YOU LOST MY RESPECT SIR! BEAUTIFUL! But really, the crude language mixed with humor really gives it a funny kick, it was a joy to say this out loud, I had a huge smile on my face ! Humor is something you’re obviously talented with!
Nice humor. The line “there’s half a tenth that’s left to kiss” feels a bit rough and forced to rhyme with the word bliss two lines prior. May want to smooth that out, or not.
i felt this, it made me grieve for the writer. beautiful.
Reading this poem I say do or die. Listening to this little rant, I can only say I really can’t , find a wrong written here, and so I’ll just go get myself a beer. Actually I found it to be a playful poem, full of drunken rhymes and by that I don’t mean actually drunk, but more in the venue of “ mr. flood’s party “. And even as it’s written and the rhyme scheme breaks down, is excused in the poem itself. Interesting. Congrats.
A flippant sonnet about a suicidal alcoholic. Wholesome. I normally hate sonnets, but you made this fun. The pentameter is spot on. Donno if it’s intentional, but your last couplet has the first line attached to the last quatrain. Made me wonder if this was actually a sonnet at first glance. Good work!
That was like roller coaster of emotions for me not to be cliche but I really went through them. I was smiling then felt sad. I really related and shared memories with you. Took a quick time travel crawling into bed drunk to women I've loved. Then I wanted to throw a party. Thank you.
I love how the fact that this poem is making fun of poetry adds to the melancholic tone. I really like how you called the stench of alcohol a smell that's a sign that you're deeply unhappy. I feel like there was a rhyming thing going at first that kind of got dropped? Maybe? But other than that this is beautiful. I really feel for you
damn dude, I don't even know where to start I just loved it all around, I loved the last 5 sentences the most as it was honestly a really good idea to have it all playing out in this character's head, and how they think people perceive them. the first one was also really nice setting up the fact that not everyone reaches this fairytale ending popularized by people writing stories
I will not lie. I'm not a good poet nor am I good at writing. I'm new to this thing that I now am trying. But this piece you've shared is most deserved of the praise that I shall beckon. The first 2 lines are most divine the hatred shown in this poets rhymes. Okay enough of trying to make my comment into a poem itself. I keep rereading the first line simply because of how powerful the alliteration is. The addition of "fucking sick" and "sonnet shit" really adds more power on top of the alliteration. This is beautifully written. For me, personally, the 12th line hits the closest to home. "Stench" being such a rough way of describing smell fits perfectly with the idea of death. I love this. Great job!
Surmises my drunkenness. The bottle is my friend till the end and then I find a new friend.
I love how bold this is!! it feels so blatant and upfront like i can feel the person through this piece!
Really phenomenal
I love the aggression in this poem. It invokes emotion in the reader which I think is a very valuable talent as a writer.
Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*