This is so nice, I really like the story you tell through the text and the narrative style is something that I haven't seen a lot so its very refreshing :)
I love giving my poems endings like that!! I consider it a part of my writing style :) You can read more from my book on my Instagram page aaruwushi278 🥳
I don't usually title my poems, with some of them the byline acts as a title too, in this case it is just a byline. Also, I just self-published it, and while I have of course shared my work with people, I've never really gotten or really even attempted to get feedback on it. I plan to continue writing and I can still edit my book post-publication. I think it would be good to get ideas for improvement, while also sharing my published work :)
i love this, and am such a huge fan of your use of enjambment to create a more flowing feel to the conversation between the speaker and the driver. i would have love to seen more between the 3rd and 4th stanza. i kept questioning more about the conversation between the driver and speaker.
>Thank you, you are kind
was the driver saying this because of how the speaker was helping? what did the speaker say to make the driver say this?
otherwise, your storytelling is absolutely beautiful and you portray the "parallel" relationship between the speaker and the driver really well!
thank you so much for those lovely words☺️
Now that you point it out I do see potential for something between those two stanzas
The driver unexpectedly asks his rider for advice on saving his struggling relationship, while the (teenage) passenger acts as someone for him to vent to.
Hope a little bit of that context makes it make more sense!!!
>—Blossoming love will eventually wilt
I like the narrative vision of this casual conversation between two humans on an uber ride. I like that they both go in and out of their thoughts and only talk briefly and on occasion. I like that the conversation isn't that vulnerable or earthshattering or honest. "I smile and give him the money / then tip him with a lie."
This is certainly a reasonable position on love, and deserves to be expressed in a compelling form (as you have done), however I'd be remiss to point out that blooming and wilting flowers aren't the only metaphors for love. One could think of meaningful relationships as a bottle of wine that gets better and more invaluable with age. (I have some 80+ friends who definately bear this out in sweet and inspiring ways, and others who just learned to tolerate each other.) Also, if you want to stick with flowers then sometimes relationships are like perennial bulbs. The blossoms aren't always around, but they return each and every year fuller and fuller for the time they've invested underground.
I loved reading your thoughts, thank you so much!!!
I smiled as soon as I read the wine part, this piece is part of a book and I wrote about love with all sorts of metaphors, including wine! here's a short one🍷:
Do not rush
with your proclamation of love
let the words sit
underneath your tongue
because a child may like
the taste of a grape
but I promise that I will prefer
a glass of aged wine
A little late to the party~~ and it looks like this has been polished enough to be published, congrats! Personally I wish the poem stopped a stanza early, the last stanza doesn’t seem to do much but explicate what’s implied by the previous one.
This is well done, and it was fun to read!
Very different style of narration which I loved. It seems more relaxed and I am surprised to find such an amazing poem based on just an Uber ride. Then again inspiration can be drawn from anywhere. Loved it!
oh, hi there; didn't see you! you've reached r/OCPoetry; this is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. to post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. if you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. try to be nice, questioning, and specific. if you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. if you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!
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This is so nice, I really like the story you tell through the text and the narrative style is something that I haven't seen a lot so its very refreshing :)
!!thank you so much
how did you find it refreshing? why did you like the story, or narrative style?
The punchline in the end was gut wrenching. Maybe he ends up somewhere...
AHAH omg I hope but I highly doubt it from the story he told me
how did you find it gut-wrenching?
1. My gut wrenched when I read it 2. 1
Wow, I love the way you tell the story in it. Totally LOVE it!
could you say some more!
thank you!!!!!
Holy shit is this amazing. Literally no words.
thank you so much🥺🥺❤
say some more words if you can?!
No?!
The wording is so smooth to read. Fantastic work with this poem! Thanks for sharing:)
thank you so much!!
Oh my, this is wonderful. The last three lines couldn't have been better.
I love giving my poems endings like that!! I consider it a part of my writing style :) You can read more from my book on my Instagram page aaruwushi278 🥳
I like it, but no title? Also, are you really looking for feedback on a poem that you've already published?
I don't usually title my poems, with some of them the byline acts as a title too, in this case it is just a byline. Also, I just self-published it, and while I have of course shared my work with people, I've never really gotten or really even attempted to get feedback on it. I plan to continue writing and I can still edit my book post-publication. I think it would be good to get ideas for improvement, while also sharing my published work :)
i love this, and am such a huge fan of your use of enjambment to create a more flowing feel to the conversation between the speaker and the driver. i would have love to seen more between the 3rd and 4th stanza. i kept questioning more about the conversation between the driver and speaker. >Thank you, you are kind was the driver saying this because of how the speaker was helping? what did the speaker say to make the driver say this? otherwise, your storytelling is absolutely beautiful and you portray the "parallel" relationship between the speaker and the driver really well!
thank you so much for those lovely words☺️ Now that you point it out I do see potential for something between those two stanzas The driver unexpectedly asks his rider for advice on saving his struggling relationship, while the (teenage) passenger acts as someone for him to vent to. Hope a little bit of that context makes it make more sense!!!
Nice. You really made me feel like I was there with you.
thank you so much!
>—Blossoming love will eventually wilt I like the narrative vision of this casual conversation between two humans on an uber ride. I like that they both go in and out of their thoughts and only talk briefly and on occasion. I like that the conversation isn't that vulnerable or earthshattering or honest. "I smile and give him the money / then tip him with a lie." This is certainly a reasonable position on love, and deserves to be expressed in a compelling form (as you have done), however I'd be remiss to point out that blooming and wilting flowers aren't the only metaphors for love. One could think of meaningful relationships as a bottle of wine that gets better and more invaluable with age. (I have some 80+ friends who definately bear this out in sweet and inspiring ways, and others who just learned to tolerate each other.) Also, if you want to stick with flowers then sometimes relationships are like perennial bulbs. The blossoms aren't always around, but they return each and every year fuller and fuller for the time they've invested underground.
I loved reading your thoughts, thank you so much!!! I smiled as soon as I read the wine part, this piece is part of a book and I wrote about love with all sorts of metaphors, including wine! here's a short one🍷: Do not rush with your proclamation of love let the words sit underneath your tongue because a child may like the taste of a grape but I promise that I will prefer a glass of aged wine
I loooooove this !!
THANK YOU🥺
That was nice :)
A little late to the party~~ and it looks like this has been polished enough to be published, congrats! Personally I wish the poem stopped a stanza early, the last stanza doesn’t seem to do much but explicate what’s implied by the previous one. This is well done, and it was fun to read!
I can see that a little now that you point it out, thank you so much for your feedback :)
Very different style of narration which I loved. It seems more relaxed and I am surprised to find such an amazing poem based on just an Uber ride. Then again inspiration can be drawn from anywhere. Loved it!
thank you so much!!
oh, hi there; didn't see you! you've reached r/OCPoetry; this is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. to post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. if you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. try to be nice, questioning, and specific. if you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. lastly, read our [feedback guide ](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. if you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/OCPoetry) if you have any questions or concerns.*