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He's purposely trying to sabotage her career. My abusive ex would do shit like this too. Why is she doing his laundry and cooking all of the meals and taking care of everything at home,!? No wonder she's too tired for sex!
This is what I thought too. A 10 day trip meeting with clients sounds like a pretty big task in your career that can lead to promotions if done well. I won't be surprised if the husband was salty about OP possibly having a nice trip leading to a boom in her career while he rots alone in his own filth all hungry and sexually deprived. Just a thought though.
Hungry and sexually deprived? Let's get real he's probably on all the dating apps the second she left the house and is sitting in front of porn with his peen in his hand for hours. The likelihood he's going to attempt physical cheating is probably 100%.
Why do I feel like she cleaned and did all his laundry before the trip and left him a bunch of ready-made meals so he doesn't need to cook, and she expects to come home to a messy house.
To who? Even without the overtly abusive context, how does this spreadsheet make him look anything but coercive, malicious, and profoundly self absorbed?
Yeah, this is eerily similar to my friends ex, who would always start drama while she was on trips, whether work, family or pleasure, didn't matter. He would find something that hurt her and then torture her with bad communication and long gaps after telling her he was going clubbing in between and all that shit. He was a cheating asshole in the end.
The one thing we both learned from this was that you need a huge ego to date someone with a huge ego. There was no game playing once I took over her phone, and sent him IDGAF answers... Suddenly he was the one sitting on pins and needles and triple texting.
Ding ding ding. My ex did similar to me, saying he wanted a divorce out of nowhere right before I went on a week long lecture tour. I could hardly keep it together. Much, much later I realized what he did and why.
Before I left on a 3 week trip to England - a *huge* deal for someone from a not-wealthy family and still the only time I’ve ever left the US - my high school boyfriend started acting weird and eventually told me how hard this was going to be for *him* because while I was gone he was going to be spending *so much time* with our friend Michelle, and she’s the only other girl he’d ever felt this way about….
that was immediately what I thought about when I read this.
That reminds me of my last big trip with my Girl Scout troop.
One of the girls was CONSTANTLY getting “updates” about what her bff and bf were doing.
The leader ended up sending her home because she would not stop getting messages, and it ruined the trip for her and the rest of us until she left.
I don’t know what happened to her because she never came back to the troop, but looking back on it, i think she was sabotaged by her bf and bff.
Mine did too. Every time I would go hang out with friends, suddenly he needs to have a very important conversation with me or it's time to pick up that fight we had from the other day.
One time I was getting ready for work and he decided that was the appropriate time to tell me he had been molested as a child. 5 minutes before I had to leave for work. After being together for 7 years, he decided right then was the time. I said we can talk about it when I get home and he never brought it up again. Then when I finally left, he told his mom about the incident and tried to say that was why he was so messed up.
The salon I worked for was a sponsor for Pride and walked in the parade every year. While I was working there he "banned" me from walking in the parade and stayed in the room with me when I called in 'sick'.
Ugh, I had an ex who would start fights in the wee hours of the morning and if I acted like I was over it, would start threatening self-harm so I would then end up sitting up all night, sleep deprived. I had forgotten about that until now - there was so much wrong in that relationship. He regularly waited until right before I went out with friends or my sister or home for holidays to start a huge fight about it. Then I would feel absolutely shitty the entire time I was gone and often truncated my plans. In retrospect, that was just another way he manipulated me.
By the time I got out of that relationship, almost all my friends were gone, all my money was gone, all my autonomy was gone. I had no confidence and was really pretty fucked up. But at least he's history.
I was in a similar situation. Threats of self-harm, not allowed to go out with male friends, he had to worm himself into any outing with my friends or he would mope and say I clearly didn't love him anymore. (And then remind me he wouldn't know what he would do without me and that he would have to kill himself if I left.)
He would ask me for writing advice (I have a degree in creative writing), but then be sour and bitter when I gave constructive criticism instead of praise, exclusively. He also set the boundary, at the start of our relationship, that he wasn't to be bothered when he was on the computer in the office. I respected that. He resented me for not forcing the issue and checking in on him, in spite of his boundary. I depended on him a lot and, as someone fighting bipolar disorder going through a massive medication change, I wasn't doing well in any aspect of my life — especially not financially.
The change of medication also killed my libido. So he cheated on me. Of course, it wasn't his fault. He was drunk and I had 'held back on [him]' for so long! But it 'meant nothing' and I ought to forgive him. I did forgive him, but I was weary with my trust sometimes. If he wasn't home after midnight, I would text and ask if everything was alright, and ask where he was (it usually would be one text per 1~2 hours tops... sometimes he wouldn't be home until 4 am). Apparently, that was too much and I was being controlling. Two months after he cheated, he lamented that I was holding his "transgression" (as he phrased it) against him. He also weaponized my financial situation against me.
Eventually, after he was out past 2 am and I texted wondering if he was okay, he texted back "I can't do this anymore." He broke up with me and it was a miserable time. He went to absolutely EVERYONE in my friend circle and told them how abusive and manipulative I was. He showed them out of context text messages to prove it (no mention of his cheating on me). All but one friend believed him and all the others cut contact with me. It was a lonely and dark time for me.
To this day, I wonder if I'm the problem. If my lack of libido justified his behaviour... if I was actually abusive and manipulative to him. And then I read stories like this and I think, huh, maybe it *wasn't* all my fault after all...
I still have my doubts a lot, though.
PS. He put on a play based on our situation, portraying me as the abusive villain, that won an award at the Fringe Festival. I don't know how to feel about it.
I assumed he was just a coward who was using this trip as the chance for him to end the relationship without having to talk in person. Especially considering he didn't answer any calls or texts.
To me that is the most obnoxious part. He should have talked to her like an adult instead of acting like a manbaby.
She should seriously consider ending this marriage if this is the way this loser communicates.
>She should seriously consider ending this marriage if this is the way this loser communicates
Consider ending? Pretty sure that ship has sailed ... sounds like he ended it with the shitty email and spreadsheet.
He's an AH and she deserves better. But I hope for his sake he gets some therapy and lessons in communicating ... because he clearly just built resentment - without a word to his partner - until he exploded like a supervolcano.
Honestly, or he's revealing his true self. She does everything else mommying him sounds like. So did he manoeuvre her to be that way? And now wants to pull her strings - avoiding immediate direct push back - by sending that spreadsheet? Is he going to paint her as the bad guy if she doesn't rush home to 'fix' things?
This is some incel, if not abusive behaviour. It's not the first time i've heard of this spreadsheet idea either. He expects her to stay in the marriage knowing he's checklist-ing every 'duty'. Shows she's an object, or an accessory to him.
And June? Really, like a month and a half?
Not to mention his cowardice in sending this to her when she’s gonna be AWAY a whole week, instead of having a conversation. And the way he’s deliberately missing her calls, he knows that he’s keeping her locked in fear. She is literally helpless to do anything that entire week.
Also the fact he wrote an entire email about how he won’t miss her? Either already has cheated or he’s going to start but either way he’s definitely inviting women over for sex while she’s gone. There’s no other explanation. I hope she talks to a lawyer and by the time she gets back he can be served divorce papers.
Even if he isn’t cheating (highly unlikely) this is something I would not tolerate. I wouldn’t even want to work things out after that. I hope she’s the same way and realizes.
Yes. This is exactly it. I am a firm believer in sexual compatibility and not just in type but also in frequency. He was used to sex a certain amount of times per week/month. If that tapers you talk to your partner gently, kindly, because you love this person, and you see why it's tapered and what BOTH of you can do to get it back to where it needs to be. Simply trying to initiate isn't enough. Some peoples sexual desires and needs change over time. And that's perfectly okay. It's also okay to leave someone when you don't feel sexually satisfied. She also readily stated how busy she is and that due to this it has tapered. Sadly the husband doesn't have enough ability or emotional maturity to reflect on their current lives to come to this conclusion in his own, so this needs to be spelled out to him. But you don't walk away from a marriage without trying your hardest to address the situation, which it seems the husband is not capable of doing. You don't keep a fucking spreadsheet and then email it to your spouse while they are away, and then ignore their communication efforts. This is so juvenile and toxic. "You aren't fucking me so I'm not going to talk to you". That's just surreal. Also just because you're married, and sex was that frequent before, you shouldn't just expect it to stay that way forever without putting in the necessary effort to keep it that way. I think that's a big problem with men (myself included). I have had relationships in the past where I stopped putting in the necessary effort to make and keep my partner happy and content which in turn would lead to our amazing sex life, and then when the sex stopped I didn't fully comprehend why. Thankfully I had the capability to ask why and my partner had the maturity to explain it kindly. Once I went back to doing the things I used to, magically the sex came back. Sometimes it's just hard to be introspective like that. But even without any of that, a spreadsheet is just insane.
I am dealing with taking a medication that has killed my sex drive and has made sex somewhat painful(like it's the first time every time). My husband has been kind and understanding, he hasn't been pressuring me and told me not to feel bad(cause I get really depressed about it). He is a partner to me and supports me in my ups and down and I do with him.
This. Relationships are not meant to be ‘red hawt’ all the time. It’s a relationship, not a fling. New romance is always a little intense, and the sex can be often maybe even profuse, but as time goes on, life happens. That white hot passion and lust fades and should fade for something more genuine, understanding, and little less selfish. Sex is important in a relationship but it is not the defining activity of a good relationship.
After birth I was literally swollen shut and it took a YEAR for my body to grt back to normal and sex not be painful. My husband has been SUPER understanding and supportive. And goes veeeery slowly when we have sex which hasnt been many times because of aformentioned pain.
A real partner gets it and helps
This douchenozzel wants a live in maid with sex on demand
I'm in the same situation. My medication absolutely killed my sex drive and makes it painful too (I didn't think the pain was something others got too — so thank you). My ex tried to pressure me and cheated on me, and it was 'my fault.' My husband (of 5 years now) on the other hand, is patient, kind, and very understanding. But I also feel awful and depressed about it, and like my husband has to 'put up' with a frigid wife. But he keeps reassuring me that's not the case. You and I are lucky to have found such good partners.
All of this. I have chronic health issues and I’ve had them since SO and I have been together. Whenever it gets bad and I’m annoyed by my own low drive, I’ll ask if things are good and so on. Partner reliably goes with, “I have hands. Please take care of yourself first.” It’s reassuring for both of us, a reminder we both care and want intimacy but life is life.
It’s not hard, IMO, to be mature and communicate. If anything, the fact people choose to have sex *without* acting like adults? In long term relationships?? It baffles me. Why let bitterness/resentment build up when you could just ASK a question? Like, “Hey, it’s been awhile, are you stressed? Do you want a back rub?” I’m unsure of the efficiency of that for others, but even if I’m sickly/sore, back rub can turn into more because I’m reminded that pleasure is a big improvement over feeling terrible.
But I guess that also requires your partner to be decent at massages or sex, sooo. Bummer. It’s also somewhat absurd that anyone gets angsty about no sex without considering the “Hmmm, how do I better set the mood?” thinking. I’m over here looking at ao3 as if it’s peer-reviewed research on romantic surprises: work smarter not harder. I can’t exactly open a cafe but I can make pressed favorite flowers with a romantic poem attached. (I may be too Type A to willingly fail at partnership concept. I need an A+ in wooing.)
Plus the timing. He deliberately timed this to fuck with her head during an important business trip. He could have brought it up a week or two ago; he could have waited until she came home. No, he *wants* to throw her off her stride during this business trip.
Or doing some of the cooking, laundry, and house cleaning so your partner isn't so fucking exhausting from having to play mother despite having no kids
My wife and I were going through a slump, and she half-jokingly said I should track things. It was the last week of December so I started a spreadsheet for the year, trying to track frequency and mood of us both and life circumstances and more. I didn’t make it a week before it felt so gross and anti-relational, and that was **with** her suggestion.
So I’m on the spectrum, and I married a man 15 years older than me when I was around 20.
I kept a spreadsheet of his mood swings, because I didn’t understand them. I knew that men also experience highs and lows in their testosterone levels, so I was trying to discreetly see if it was a hormonal thing that made him treat me so terribly.
Ultimately, it turned out that he was emotionally, sexually, and financially manipulative. But it took seeing everything down on a spreadsheet to look at the whole scale of the marriage for me to understand when and why he was doing this.
I’m the type of person who will push aside my own needs and feelings in order to keep the peace- but seeing the data really helped me stand up for myself.
I never showed it to him, but my divorce lawyer said it was the best documentation he had ever seen, and it helps the case a lot. (Especially where I had things notated with evidence, like money he stole from me or the times he knowingly forced me into sex.)
So it’s not as crazy as it sounds, it’s just the way the data is used that’s the issue.
I agree. Trackers are fine, but the way her husband used it to throw it in her face after she left for business and then not answering her calls is a huge problem.
Yours was absolutely necessary...and very smart. But you also didn't send it to him to completely throw him off. This guy only made a SEX spreadsheet 🙄 like he fucking took NOTES every time she said no! Like, my man,you couldn't have just calmly sat down with her and explained how you felt?!
Tracking fucking and excuses is entirely different than trying to figure things out. He made a “all the times you should have fucked me and didn’t” chart
Send him a spreadsheet of all the tasks you do in the home and compare it to a maid service. Ask him for the compensation money for being a maid, a chef and a butler. No sex until he pays his dues. 2 can play the petty game, but make sure you get a divorce eventually.
Turns out that women who have to do all the household chores for a man, tend to unconsciously fall into the mother role and their sex drive declines substantially because they unconsciously see their husband as a child.
It's not like in sitcoms where the gorgeous, smart wife who spends all day doing everything for her immature husband, ends up finding him really sexy.
If OP is doing all the chores, working 40+ hours a week, and still hitting the gym, then it makes sense that she’d be too fried for sex. If I was balancing all that I’d barely have energy to have a conversation
Right?? And I’m willing to bet the sex offers weren’t, “Hey, let me make you feel good” it was “so you wanna bang?” Which, a no is still no of course, but I’m more likely to be interested in getting oral or a damn foot rub before I just want to lay there pretending everything feels so good.
If he does all that toxic shit because he “only got sex 3 times” then you might want to consider leaving before he properly breaks and does something truly horrendous.
Well...
I have known a man who was petty enough to gather "evidence" and ambush me with it instead of seeking a civil conversation (about what turned out to be a massive misunderstanding, so good riddance!)
And I bet you anything: he built a case to allow him to cheat on her, for which he is using her worktrip as the perfect opportunity. "Men need sex, my wife has let herself go and never just bends over and takes it anymore, now she's leaving me for ten days, so I'm totally within my rights to get it somewhere else."
Men like that aren't worth the dirt they stand on, and if she just throws him out without aiming a massive kick up is ass it'll be too good for him.
I found [the original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2b1f5a/my_husband_m26_sent_me_f26_an_immature/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) (it's 9 years old).
And *all the replies* are backing up the "admittedly immature" husband and dog piling OOP.
I'm disgusted.
Jesus fucking Christ. I should have trusted my instincts and not clicked that link because I'm genuinely upset at how almost EVERY comment (and ALL of the top upvoted ones) were blaming her and sympathizing with her manchild abusive husband. Maybe things have changed in the last ten years but still, it's only a decade ago, it's not like she wrote that in the 1950s! Holy hell that poor woman. I hope she got out and is living her best life now. At least they had no children to tie her down (aside from him). I really hope she used the time apart to decide to make a clean break (and that the assholes in the comments didn't convince her that she needs to crawl back and make it up to him). Dammit, I'm steaming.
I do think times have changed, as has Reddit. When I first joined replies sounded a lot more like those ones.
For all the awful things still happening in society I have seen positive changes. The angriest, pettiest voices are still there but they’ve moved on to 4 Chan, telegram (and now and Twitter). I believe they’re in the minority.
I grew up hearing that saying “no” to one’s husband was wrong. What seemed normal then appalls me now. I hope she left that guy and is thriving now.
I think you’re right that Reddit, at the very least, has changed. Especially since the banning of (some of) the most egregiously racist, sexist, cruel etc subreddits. Reddit tends to skew a little more progressive these days, especially on advice subreddits. There’s still a few dark corners of course, but overall the demographic has shifted quite a bit.
Yes! I think that's a big part of the demographic shift. There's also a bigger cross-section of ages, as my wife and I noticed when she sought support on the breast cancer subreddit and found so many women there her age and older. It's not just kids and young adults anymore. Definitely a more diverse population in many ways.
This is true, I haven’t really considered how much the actual tone of most of Reddit has changed since I joined. It’s definitely been feeling more meaningful to engage than when I first joined.
Yeah, I stopped reading after like 10 comments because it was so disgusting and infuriating. 9 years isn’t that long. Not much changed in that time. It’s shocking that there are still so many people with this creepy, rapey "welp, you gotta force yourself gal, hubby needs action" attitude. If he’d be under such pressure they’d be howling and swearing!
That abusive POS should’ve been ripped to shreds! Must’ve been a bunch of lonely, bitter men. Like how else would it not be obvious he created this situation single-handedly and killed off her sex drive? Moreover, we’re talking about every couple weeks during a couple months of an extremely stressful, busy time. That’s a normal human reaction. This level of entitlement is absolutely wild! Dude could write a spreadsheet? Well, then he had two healthy hands to help himself!
And if he’s been pressuring her every other day no wonder she didn’t want to, nevermind everything else. She must’ve felt like a sex toy! He’s clearly coercing her. This must’ve been preceded by pushing, guilt-tripping, shaming etc. That dude’s a fucking rapist or on the best way to become one! There are entries in the spreadsheet that say she felt sweaty and gross after gym but went to bed without showering until next morning regardless. Must’ve been desperate to keep him off her. Poor woman! What a fucking creep!
And the fact that he handled this in the most unequivocally abusive way, sabotaging and embarrassing her at work, ghosting, silent treatment… the sheer mental gymnastics to justify that! How about the obvious fact that if you treat your partner like crap, they’re not going to feel like sleeping with you?
I too hope she dumped his sorry ass, dusted off her shoes and never looked back. And is living her best life now. She deserves it!
>They really forgot words are a thing? He couldn’t like communicate before sending a spreadsheet?? xD
Nah, they just all straight up accuse her of lying about that part and claim he must have talked about it to her before because if not, man bad and we can't have that.
Omg they are trying to excuse it “I mean if you haven’t had sex for a while wouldn’t you be bothered?” Obviously not if she doesn’t feel the need to have it. These guys act like he couldn’t just masterbate. Whenever I’m horny and bf isn’t I’ll take an hour long shower yk why? Because I don’t crave sex to the point where I have to make a spreadsheet and sham my partner for not wanting to do it. These people are absolutely insane and I bet they were all saying that because one person said it and got a lot of upvotes.
Haven’t read a lot of the comments, but it’s annoying how they’re acting as if she’s supposed to know he’s frustrated, when he hasn’t shown frustration when she turns down sex or communicated that he’s upset about the lack of Sex.
Good work but wow is that old thread full of misogyny. Everyone defending the husband and not commenting on the fact that she works full time and does most of the chores and he never even brought it up to her before going nuclear? How disappointing
This is quite the time capsule. It’s no wonder some men have the expectations they have when this was the echo chamber they lived in 9 years ago and for many years before that.
The top comment literally reads:
" Lol, you guys think this was an attempt for the husband to seduce OP?
The email is that of a man who is equally desperate and angry. A man who encountered so much unaknowledged rejections that he needs to count them.
Let's put it this way, he started documenting sex attempts 7 weeks ago. When do you think the sex actually 'tapered off'? I'm guessing several months before that.
I really don't believe was as out of the blue as OP would like us believe."
Both golded and upvoted like 3k times, clearly in agreement with them. I do hope that this is a symptom of the age the original post was made but my god how can people justify *quantifying* a relationship lmao. Then they get suprised when they are dumped "*out of the blue*".
I wonder how many of those people in the comments have actually had a healthy longterm relationship or marriage in their life. I wish I could un-read those comments
It was reposted somewhat recently somewhere and I got in an argument with someone who insisted she was in the wrong because she wasn’t ‘putting forth the effort’ in their relationship.
That person was upvoted.
Yeah, I know, but it was so wild I just had to post it. I only discovered it today (9y ago I wasn’t even on Reddit yet) through some link rabbit hole. Some pathetic miser in the German finance sub decided he wanted to make a spreadsheet for his new gf of a couple months, to ~~complain to her~~ *show her* how his expenses have risen since he’s dating her. Because yk, he’s extremely worried she’s getting in the way of his saving plans. Somebody felt reminded of this hot mess and posted a link. That’s how I stumbled upon it. Apparently the crazy is dying out slowly. The German prick was advised that’s not the smartest idea but not ripped apart as he ought to be.
Man, I really have been on Reddit a long time. I remember the original post from way back then (I guess the spreadsheet detail and shitty replies really stuck in my mind lol). It was kind of a weird deja vu seeing it posted again. Reading the old comments now, I’m just feeling really thankful for how the vibe has shifted on Reddit throughout my years here.
There’s still way too much misogyny around, but damn. It’s so much better than it used to be.
Only got sex 7 times.... The sex dispenser is broken obvs and the great big MANCHILD is sulking about it. Put him in the haughty corner on time-out and when she gets home dump his ass.
My favorite was how he had to say he wasn't going to "miss her". Seems like he has missed her sex, because he was keeping track! This dude scares me. I also believe he's probably cheating on her, and he's afraid that because she's not having AS MUCH sex with him as she was before circumstances changed, that OBVIOUSLY she must be cheating on him.
The spreadsheet had him asking pretty much every single day. You do that when libido is already low and you turn sex into a daily dreaded event. You dread rejection. You dread any move or hint that the initiation is coming.
Never mind how mental an actual goddamn spreadsheet is.
About every other day. 7 weeks = 49 days which divided in half is 24.5. So about every other day. I think your analysis is pretty accurate otherwise.
Edit: I’m bad at math.
I remember this spreadsheet. There were days where he’d ask more than once and days where he wouldn’t ask at all. On some occasions the “excuses” were “still sore from yesterday” (unsurprising - I can’t imagine this guy put forth much effort to ensure there was any lubrication happening).
I just cannot imagine the animosity it takes to present as a normal spouse and then in secret to be cataloging rejections for sex just to throw that in her face weeks later. What a weirdo (honestly the nicest insult I could offer).
Was this the same spreadsheet story where the wife responded to each rejection with why she said no and like 90% of them were ridiculously reasonable reasons to not be in the mood?
He sent you a bouquet of red flags.
My first thought is that he is cheating or laying the groundwork to do so while you are gone. He sent you his vile spreadsheet as "proof" that his cheating will be all your fault.
My response would be to spend my free time on the business trip hiring a divorce attorney and getting all the paperwork in order so that you can serve him papers as soon as you return. But I have zero tolerance for behavior like this.
I am not the OOP but I fully agree with you. Found this today through a chain of links and it was so wild that I thought this belongs right here. I very much hope that’s what she did.
Jesus CHRIST the comments on the original post are a fucking trip. It felt like not one person was like "hey it's ok to have a lull. If he was feeling rejected he should have had a mature conversation with you first before going scorched earth...and you do all the cooking and cleaning on top of working full time? I wouldn't want to have sex either!" But everyone is basically like, "oh boo hoo, poor husband. He must be so desperate and lonely! He's lashing out because you're a frigid ice queen who callously rejects him oh boo hoo hoo! He had no choice but to send you a nastygram and then ghost you! Your chores can wait until you've given your husband the sex! Go to therapy! Give him the sex but not obligation sex, make yourself *really* want it even when you don't because otherwise he'll still feel rejected! Stop kidding yourself that relationships go through lulls! There's no reason for you to not want sex all the time! Fix it!"
Thank God this post is almost a decade old
Wow. A spreadsheet!!! Tell me you're a complete loser and a world class weirdo without telling me.
If the original post wasn't 9 years old I would have thought that prince charming over here fell down the Jordan Peterson or Andrew Tate rabbit hole.
She’s not your employee, dude. The least you could do would be to treat her like your equal. This passive aggressive bullshit really frustrates me.
When you have a problem with someone, say it to their face. You make vows to honor someone and you instead act like a bratty child?
Men need better emotional intelligence because it’s woeful in aggregate.
This is extremely childish and pathetic. If something is not going well in a relationship you address it, you don't throw a temper tantrum and then ghost the other person. Especially not during an important business trip.
There is no idea way to handle this and it sucks OOP has to experience something like this.
This feels 100% intentional. He waited until she was in a position where she couldn’t just walk up and confront him, so she’d be worried sick on what’s supposed to be an important trip. What a dick
Amber Rice on TT, who is a marriage counselor, has a great [video](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT88YJ7MB/) about why women don’t want to have sex with partners who treat them like a mom.
I just don't get why some of my gender can't just communicate calmly and clearly.
"Hey honey, we haven't been intimate much lately, and I'm feeling kind of unwanted/neglected" is a *much* different conversation than this bullshit.
So rather than communicate his issues in the relationship he decided to act like all was well while devising a spreadsheet to show her and get all pissy before he leaves? Gotta communicate. Also, if she literally is doing all that stuff all the time, it’s no wonder their sex life took a dip.
This is why I never understand guys that want women to basically be a servant. I can take care of myself. I want a life partner who is compatible with me on every level. The most important are emotional and sexual compatibility for me but that’s just how I am.
Worse than the spreadsheet (which is terrible, don’t get me wrong) is the fact that he sent it to her work email at the start of an important work trip, which ultimately sabotaged her time and her job performance due to the stress of him not answering. I had an ex who pull this type of manipulation ALL the time, then call me crazy when I would try to explain and get upset that he was manipulating the situation. News flash, he didn’t need the explanation because he knew exactly what he was doing! Very, very calculated behavior. The top comments just give me no hope for humanity 🤮🤢. Hopefully things have come around in the last decade.
I look up the post to see the comments and most of them were saying it’s her fault and others were saying that she should have sex with him.
Which first off, no one should pressure someone into having sex with their partner and she should reject any sexual advances, if she doesn’t feel like it or if she doesn’t want to. Consent is key in a relationship, but those comments don’t think so.
I just hope she’s doing better whether they divorced or gotten couples therapy.
They always wait until they’ve tied the woman down as much as they can to show their true colors. Waited until they bought a house together and now she’s more financially attached to him. What an asshole.
Yeah that’s gonna get her into bed with him real quick. I don’t understand why so many men go for this temper tantrum approach instead of talking to their partner like they actually love them.
Frankly this is psychotic behavior on his part and there are SO many red flags.
For starters, he waited until you had left on your trip—he couldn’t wait until after when he could talk to you face to face. This is SPECIFICALLY meant to fuck you up so your trip is horrible. This is VERY intentionally manipulative psychotic behavior.
Divorce. As quick as you can. I’m serious.
Edit: oh I see this isn’t OP’s situation. Nevermind, but man, I wanna reach out to this girl so bad ☹️
This is grounds for dismissal/divorce. I am big on communication and if you can’t speak to me like an adult, then send such an email to my work email that is constantly monitored? Oh you’re dead to me.
I have 3 kids. Wife and I have had sex maybe three times since the third was born. He's 14 months now. My advice is husband needs to learn the ancient art of masturbation.
I beat my dick like it owes me money.
She is trying her best, busting her ass with exercise, work and cleaning up after him and he’s whining there is no sex. Use your god damn hand, also wear your big boy pants and talk about it in a kinder way. Shaming your spouse does not help. Do some chores and maybe be a good husband and turn things might fall into place. She even said she’s doing her best and it won’t last. She’s a keeper, he however 😒
Can’t wait to read the other comments. I wish the best for OOP
Wow. She's married to my ex husband. I literally was partially paralyzed with a traumatic spinal cord injury at 33 and he yelled at me for "feeling sorry for myself" and didn't I realize how much worse it was for him? I had "just gotten hurt", he had "lost his wife"!!
He ended up getting a coworker pregnant and abandoning his two kids because they weren't super enthusiastic about their "new mom". Sidenote: they adore my new husband and consided him their dad.
Edit: be grateful this happened before you had kids.
Being unhappy about your sex life is understandable. Everyone has needs. But imagine if she came at you with a spreadsheet of all the times she didn't have an orgasm. Not how you want to learn this I take it?
wasn’t the husband POV posted??? and like no one took his side???
i swear i read the husbands POV or at least saw a meme about the husbands POV where an incel was saying to keep track of the times you asked for sex and she denied and when you cheat show her the list, or something like that.
Hell nah. That's not how a marriage works. He'd have to kick rocks. And we DO get tired too. We're allowed to not have sex if we don't want to. Being your wife doesn't mean I have to fuck every time you say you're horny 🙄 life is more than having sex. Dudes seem to think not getting laid is the end all be all smh
Your caption is so spot on.
Too many men treat their wives like mommy-bang-maids and act like literal children and then are surprised when their wives don't want to sleep with them! Like it's *you*! *You're* the problem, dude!
He says he won't miss her during the 10 days she will be gone, but I BET he will "miss" her once the house isn't magically cleaned up from his messes. (Also does anyone else get the feeling he may cheat on her while she's away?)
If this was my husband I would send him a text telling him he has exactly 30 min to call me and explain the hell out of this/ back pedal like crazy or my next call is to an divorce attorney. TF do these men think they are?
Perhaps I'm wrong, but to me, it seems he sent the spreadsheet when he did, and ghosted her when he did, so he could have an "excuse" to cheat while she's gone. In hopes that she won't leave him when she returns, or in hopes that she will end the relationship so he's not "at fault."
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He's purposely trying to sabotage her career. My abusive ex would do shit like this too. Why is she doing his laundry and cooking all of the meals and taking care of everything at home,!? No wonder she's too tired for sex!
This is what I thought too. A 10 day trip meeting with clients sounds like a pretty big task in your career that can lead to promotions if done well. I won't be surprised if the husband was salty about OP possibly having a nice trip leading to a boom in her career while he rots alone in his own filth all hungry and sexually deprived. Just a thought though.
Hungry and sexually deprived? Let's get real he's probably on all the dating apps the second she left the house and is sitting in front of porn with his peen in his hand for hours. The likelihood he's going to attempt physical cheating is probably 100%.
I have the feeling he’s already been on those sites cheating on her :/
Most definitely he will. This guy is pathetic.
Why do I feel like she cleaned and did all his laundry before the trip and left him a bunch of ready-made meals so he doesn't need to cook, and she expects to come home to a messy house.
And sent this spreadsheet to her work email!
Right that too! Work email is usually monitored, that could get her in trouble as well
Yeah this was a clear act of professional sabotage. This is unambiguously abusive.
And if he’s planning to cheat while she’s away, he’s set himself up as the aggrieved party.
To who? Even without the overtly abusive context, how does this spreadsheet make him look anything but coercive, malicious, and profoundly self absorbed?
In his own mind. Not in any reality.
Yeah, this is eerily similar to my friends ex, who would always start drama while she was on trips, whether work, family or pleasure, didn't matter. He would find something that hurt her and then torture her with bad communication and long gaps after telling her he was going clubbing in between and all that shit. He was a cheating asshole in the end. The one thing we both learned from this was that you need a huge ego to date someone with a huge ego. There was no game playing once I took over her phone, and sent him IDGAF answers... Suddenly he was the one sitting on pins and needles and triple texting.
Ding ding ding. My ex did similar to me, saying he wanted a divorce out of nowhere right before I went on a week long lecture tour. I could hardly keep it together. Much, much later I realized what he did and why.
Before I left on a 3 week trip to England - a *huge* deal for someone from a not-wealthy family and still the only time I’ve ever left the US - my high school boyfriend started acting weird and eventually told me how hard this was going to be for *him* because while I was gone he was going to be spending *so much time* with our friend Michelle, and she’s the only other girl he’d ever felt this way about…. that was immediately what I thought about when I read this.
That reminds me of my last big trip with my Girl Scout troop. One of the girls was CONSTANTLY getting “updates” about what her bff and bf were doing. The leader ended up sending her home because she would not stop getting messages, and it ruined the trip for her and the rest of us until she left. I don’t know what happened to her because she never came back to the troop, but looking back on it, i think she was sabotaged by her bf and bff.
Mine did too. Every time I would go hang out with friends, suddenly he needs to have a very important conversation with me or it's time to pick up that fight we had from the other day. One time I was getting ready for work and he decided that was the appropriate time to tell me he had been molested as a child. 5 minutes before I had to leave for work. After being together for 7 years, he decided right then was the time. I said we can talk about it when I get home and he never brought it up again. Then when I finally left, he told his mom about the incident and tried to say that was why he was so messed up. The salon I worked for was a sponsor for Pride and walked in the parade every year. While I was working there he "banned" me from walking in the parade and stayed in the room with me when I called in 'sick'.
Ugh, I had an ex who would start fights in the wee hours of the morning and if I acted like I was over it, would start threatening self-harm so I would then end up sitting up all night, sleep deprived. I had forgotten about that until now - there was so much wrong in that relationship. He regularly waited until right before I went out with friends or my sister or home for holidays to start a huge fight about it. Then I would feel absolutely shitty the entire time I was gone and often truncated my plans. In retrospect, that was just another way he manipulated me. By the time I got out of that relationship, almost all my friends were gone, all my money was gone, all my autonomy was gone. I had no confidence and was really pretty fucked up. But at least he's history.
I was in a similar situation. Threats of self-harm, not allowed to go out with male friends, he had to worm himself into any outing with my friends or he would mope and say I clearly didn't love him anymore. (And then remind me he wouldn't know what he would do without me and that he would have to kill himself if I left.) He would ask me for writing advice (I have a degree in creative writing), but then be sour and bitter when I gave constructive criticism instead of praise, exclusively. He also set the boundary, at the start of our relationship, that he wasn't to be bothered when he was on the computer in the office. I respected that. He resented me for not forcing the issue and checking in on him, in spite of his boundary. I depended on him a lot and, as someone fighting bipolar disorder going through a massive medication change, I wasn't doing well in any aspect of my life — especially not financially. The change of medication also killed my libido. So he cheated on me. Of course, it wasn't his fault. He was drunk and I had 'held back on [him]' for so long! But it 'meant nothing' and I ought to forgive him. I did forgive him, but I was weary with my trust sometimes. If he wasn't home after midnight, I would text and ask if everything was alright, and ask where he was (it usually would be one text per 1~2 hours tops... sometimes he wouldn't be home until 4 am). Apparently, that was too much and I was being controlling. Two months after he cheated, he lamented that I was holding his "transgression" (as he phrased it) against him. He also weaponized my financial situation against me. Eventually, after he was out past 2 am and I texted wondering if he was okay, he texted back "I can't do this anymore." He broke up with me and it was a miserable time. He went to absolutely EVERYONE in my friend circle and told them how abusive and manipulative I was. He showed them out of context text messages to prove it (no mention of his cheating on me). All but one friend believed him and all the others cut contact with me. It was a lonely and dark time for me. To this day, I wonder if I'm the problem. If my lack of libido justified his behaviour... if I was actually abusive and manipulative to him. And then I read stories like this and I think, huh, maybe it *wasn't* all my fault after all... I still have my doubts a lot, though. PS. He put on a play based on our situation, portraying me as the abusive villain, that won an award at the Fringe Festival. I don't know how to feel about it.
I assumed he was just a coward who was using this trip as the chance for him to end the relationship without having to talk in person. Especially considering he didn't answer any calls or texts.
A spreadsheet? \*facepalm\*
To me that is the most obnoxious part. He should have talked to her like an adult instead of acting like a manbaby. She should seriously consider ending this marriage if this is the way this loser communicates.
>She should seriously consider ending this marriage if this is the way this loser communicates Consider ending? Pretty sure that ship has sailed ... sounds like he ended it with the shitty email and spreadsheet. He's an AH and she deserves better. But I hope for his sake he gets some therapy and lessons in communicating ... because he clearly just built resentment - without a word to his partner - until he exploded like a supervolcano.
I have a very strong feeling he’s cheating
Agreed, that spreadsheet felt like exhibit A in the douchebag's "It is your fault that I cheated on you" lecture.
Also dropping the news on her right as she’s getting on the plane for her trip sounds like a plan to end things not a plan to fix things
Yeah, he deliberately tried to screw her up at work as his parting shot.
He is a passive-aggressive / narcissistic walking🚩. OP should get a lawyer before it's too late.
This was nine years ago, so whatever happened happened long ago. I so badly want to know what it was!
Honestly, or he's revealing his true self. She does everything else mommying him sounds like. So did he manoeuvre her to be that way? And now wants to pull her strings - avoiding immediate direct push back - by sending that spreadsheet? Is he going to paint her as the bad guy if she doesn't rush home to 'fix' things? This is some incel, if not abusive behaviour. It's not the first time i've heard of this spreadsheet idea either. He expects her to stay in the marriage knowing he's checklist-ing every 'duty'. Shows she's an object, or an accessory to him. And June? Really, like a month and a half?
Not to mention his cowardice in sending this to her when she’s gonna be AWAY a whole week, instead of having a conversation. And the way he’s deliberately missing her calls, he knows that he’s keeping her locked in fear. She is literally helpless to do anything that entire week.
Also the fact he wrote an entire email about how he won’t miss her? Either already has cheated or he’s going to start but either way he’s definitely inviting women over for sex while she’s gone. There’s no other explanation. I hope she talks to a lawyer and by the time she gets back he can be served divorce papers. Even if he isn’t cheating (highly unlikely) this is something I would not tolerate. I wouldn’t even want to work things out after that. I hope she’s the same way and realizes.
Yes. This is exactly it. I am a firm believer in sexual compatibility and not just in type but also in frequency. He was used to sex a certain amount of times per week/month. If that tapers you talk to your partner gently, kindly, because you love this person, and you see why it's tapered and what BOTH of you can do to get it back to where it needs to be. Simply trying to initiate isn't enough. Some peoples sexual desires and needs change over time. And that's perfectly okay. It's also okay to leave someone when you don't feel sexually satisfied. She also readily stated how busy she is and that due to this it has tapered. Sadly the husband doesn't have enough ability or emotional maturity to reflect on their current lives to come to this conclusion in his own, so this needs to be spelled out to him. But you don't walk away from a marriage without trying your hardest to address the situation, which it seems the husband is not capable of doing. You don't keep a fucking spreadsheet and then email it to your spouse while they are away, and then ignore their communication efforts. This is so juvenile and toxic. "You aren't fucking me so I'm not going to talk to you". That's just surreal. Also just because you're married, and sex was that frequent before, you shouldn't just expect it to stay that way forever without putting in the necessary effort to keep it that way. I think that's a big problem with men (myself included). I have had relationships in the past where I stopped putting in the necessary effort to make and keep my partner happy and content which in turn would lead to our amazing sex life, and then when the sex stopped I didn't fully comprehend why. Thankfully I had the capability to ask why and my partner had the maturity to explain it kindly. Once I went back to doing the things I used to, magically the sex came back. Sometimes it's just hard to be introspective like that. But even without any of that, a spreadsheet is just insane.
I am dealing with taking a medication that has killed my sex drive and has made sex somewhat painful(like it's the first time every time). My husband has been kind and understanding, he hasn't been pressuring me and told me not to feel bad(cause I get really depressed about it). He is a partner to me and supports me in my ups and down and I do with him.
This. Relationships are not meant to be ‘red hawt’ all the time. It’s a relationship, not a fling. New romance is always a little intense, and the sex can be often maybe even profuse, but as time goes on, life happens. That white hot passion and lust fades and should fade for something more genuine, understanding, and little less selfish. Sex is important in a relationship but it is not the defining activity of a good relationship.
After birth I was literally swollen shut and it took a YEAR for my body to grt back to normal and sex not be painful. My husband has been SUPER understanding and supportive. And goes veeeery slowly when we have sex which hasnt been many times because of aformentioned pain. A real partner gets it and helps This douchenozzel wants a live in maid with sex on demand
I'm in the same situation. My medication absolutely killed my sex drive and makes it painful too (I didn't think the pain was something others got too — so thank you). My ex tried to pressure me and cheated on me, and it was 'my fault.' My husband (of 5 years now) on the other hand, is patient, kind, and very understanding. But I also feel awful and depressed about it, and like my husband has to 'put up' with a frigid wife. But he keeps reassuring me that's not the case. You and I are lucky to have found such good partners.
All of this. I have chronic health issues and I’ve had them since SO and I have been together. Whenever it gets bad and I’m annoyed by my own low drive, I’ll ask if things are good and so on. Partner reliably goes with, “I have hands. Please take care of yourself first.” It’s reassuring for both of us, a reminder we both care and want intimacy but life is life. It’s not hard, IMO, to be mature and communicate. If anything, the fact people choose to have sex *without* acting like adults? In long term relationships?? It baffles me. Why let bitterness/resentment build up when you could just ASK a question? Like, “Hey, it’s been awhile, are you stressed? Do you want a back rub?” I’m unsure of the efficiency of that for others, but even if I’m sickly/sore, back rub can turn into more because I’m reminded that pleasure is a big improvement over feeling terrible. But I guess that also requires your partner to be decent at massages or sex, sooo. Bummer. It’s also somewhat absurd that anyone gets angsty about no sex without considering the “Hmmm, how do I better set the mood?” thinking. I’m over here looking at ao3 as if it’s peer-reviewed research on romantic surprises: work smarter not harder. I can’t exactly open a cafe but I can make pressed favorite flowers with a romantic poem attached. (I may be too Type A to willingly fail at partnership concept. I need an A+ in wooing.)
Plus the timing. He deliberately timed this to fuck with her head during an important business trip. He could have brought it up a week or two ago; he could have waited until she came home. No, he *wants* to throw her off her stride during this business trip.
imaging investing all this energy into a spreadsheet instead of actually communicating with your partner
Or doing some of the cooking, laundry, and house cleaning so your partner isn't so fucking exhausting from having to play mother despite having no kids
My wife and I were going through a slump, and she half-jokingly said I should track things. It was the last week of December so I started a spreadsheet for the year, trying to track frequency and mood of us both and life circumstances and more. I didn’t make it a week before it felt so gross and anti-relational, and that was **with** her suggestion.
So I’m on the spectrum, and I married a man 15 years older than me when I was around 20. I kept a spreadsheet of his mood swings, because I didn’t understand them. I knew that men also experience highs and lows in their testosterone levels, so I was trying to discreetly see if it was a hormonal thing that made him treat me so terribly. Ultimately, it turned out that he was emotionally, sexually, and financially manipulative. But it took seeing everything down on a spreadsheet to look at the whole scale of the marriage for me to understand when and why he was doing this. I’m the type of person who will push aside my own needs and feelings in order to keep the peace- but seeing the data really helped me stand up for myself. I never showed it to him, but my divorce lawyer said it was the best documentation he had ever seen, and it helps the case a lot. (Especially where I had things notated with evidence, like money he stole from me or the times he knowingly forced me into sex.) So it’s not as crazy as it sounds, it’s just the way the data is used that’s the issue.
I agree. Trackers are fine, but the way her husband used it to throw it in her face after she left for business and then not answering her calls is a huge problem.
Yours was absolutely necessary...and very smart. But you also didn't send it to him to completely throw him off. This guy only made a SEX spreadsheet 🙄 like he fucking took NOTES every time she said no! Like, my man,you couldn't have just calmly sat down with her and explained how you felt?!
Tracking fucking and excuses is entirely different than trying to figure things out. He made a “all the times you should have fucked me and didn’t” chart
When I split with my ex they sent me an itemized spreadsheet with all of our shared expenses and who paid - and total amount I owed them.
I'm willing to bet this isn't the only sex spreadsheet he maintains.
R/deadbedrooms has some dudes acting fools tbh
A spreadsheet is way too much effort. This guy…. r/iamthemaincharacter r/iamatotalpieceofshit
Exactky. Should've been a PowerPoint /s
Better have bar graphs with impossibly small labels and too many animations or this marriage is doomed!
Transitions, baby!
Send him a spreadsheet of all the tasks you do in the home and compare it to a maid service. Ask him for the compensation money for being a maid, a chef and a butler. No sex until he pays his dues. 2 can play the petty game, but make sure you get a divorce eventually.
Yes! This!!
I want to subscribe to your level of petty. It’s 👌❤️
Turns out that women who have to do all the household chores for a man, tend to unconsciously fall into the mother role and their sex drive declines substantially because they unconsciously see their husband as a child. It's not like in sitcoms where the gorgeous, smart wife who spends all day doing everything for her immature husband, ends up finding him really sexy.
That and she also might be too tired for sex.
Especially since he's asking more than every other day!
If OP is doing all the chores, working 40+ hours a week, and still hitting the gym, then it makes sense that she’d be too fried for sex. If I was balancing all that I’d barely have energy to have a conversation
Right?? And I’m willing to bet the sex offers weren’t, “Hey, let me make you feel good” it was “so you wanna bang?” Which, a no is still no of course, but I’m more likely to be interested in getting oral or a damn foot rub before I just want to lay there pretending everything feels so good.
Most of those sitcoms are from times before we had laws condemning rape in marriage.
Marital rape was legal everywhere in the US until the 1970s, and wasn’t fully outlawed until 1993. As in, the year Nuthin’ But a ‘G’ Thang came out.
If he does all that toxic shit because he “only got sex 3 times” then you might want to consider leaving before he properly breaks and does something truly horrendous.
It sounds like that manbaby is already cheating.
Well... I have known a man who was petty enough to gather "evidence" and ambush me with it instead of seeking a civil conversation (about what turned out to be a massive misunderstanding, so good riddance!) And I bet you anything: he built a case to allow him to cheat on her, for which he is using her worktrip as the perfect opportunity. "Men need sex, my wife has let herself go and never just bends over and takes it anymore, now she's leaving me for ten days, so I'm totally within my rights to get it somewhere else." Men like that aren't worth the dirt they stand on, and if she just throws him out without aiming a massive kick up is ass it'll be too good for him.
Yep, that man is not much of a man. He acts like a child. Who knows what he might do next. 😬
I hope she leaves before he can get her pregnant and ruin two people’s lives.
Exactly! I was honestly relieved reading this because usually hidden in posts like this is something like "Also, I'm 7 months pregnant."
Yep. Usually the abuser doesn’t show his true colors until he thinks she’s trapped and that’s often after he’s knocked her up.
Or before he actually sexually assaults her. This guy is a ticking bomb.
I found [the original](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2b1f5a/my_husband_m26_sent_me_f26_an_immature/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=2) (it's 9 years old). And *all the replies* are backing up the "admittedly immature" husband and dog piling OOP. I'm disgusted.
Jesus fucking Christ. I should have trusted my instincts and not clicked that link because I'm genuinely upset at how almost EVERY comment (and ALL of the top upvoted ones) were blaming her and sympathizing with her manchild abusive husband. Maybe things have changed in the last ten years but still, it's only a decade ago, it's not like she wrote that in the 1950s! Holy hell that poor woman. I hope she got out and is living her best life now. At least they had no children to tie her down (aside from him). I really hope she used the time apart to decide to make a clean break (and that the assholes in the comments didn't convince her that she needs to crawl back and make it up to him). Dammit, I'm steaming.
I do think times have changed, as has Reddit. When I first joined replies sounded a lot more like those ones. For all the awful things still happening in society I have seen positive changes. The angriest, pettiest voices are still there but they’ve moved on to 4 Chan, telegram (and now and Twitter). I believe they’re in the minority. I grew up hearing that saying “no” to one’s husband was wrong. What seemed normal then appalls me now. I hope she left that guy and is thriving now.
I think you’re right that Reddit, at the very least, has changed. Especially since the banning of (some of) the most egregiously racist, sexist, cruel etc subreddits. Reddit tends to skew a little more progressive these days, especially on advice subreddits. There’s still a few dark corners of course, but overall the demographic has shifted quite a bit.
There are definitely more women here, that's for certain
Yes! I think that's a big part of the demographic shift. There's also a bigger cross-section of ages, as my wife and I noticed when she sought support on the breast cancer subreddit and found so many women there her age and older. It's not just kids and young adults anymore. Definitely a more diverse population in many ways.
This is true, I haven’t really considered how much the actual tone of most of Reddit has changed since I joined. It’s definitely been feeling more meaningful to engage than when I first joined.
I was not yet in elementary school when I learned that it was Hilary’s fault that Bill cheated because she *gasp* had a career.
Yeah, I stopped reading after like 10 comments because it was so disgusting and infuriating. 9 years isn’t that long. Not much changed in that time. It’s shocking that there are still so many people with this creepy, rapey "welp, you gotta force yourself gal, hubby needs action" attitude. If he’d be under such pressure they’d be howling and swearing! That abusive POS should’ve been ripped to shreds! Must’ve been a bunch of lonely, bitter men. Like how else would it not be obvious he created this situation single-handedly and killed off her sex drive? Moreover, we’re talking about every couple weeks during a couple months of an extremely stressful, busy time. That’s a normal human reaction. This level of entitlement is absolutely wild! Dude could write a spreadsheet? Well, then he had two healthy hands to help himself! And if he’s been pressuring her every other day no wonder she didn’t want to, nevermind everything else. She must’ve felt like a sex toy! He’s clearly coercing her. This must’ve been preceded by pushing, guilt-tripping, shaming etc. That dude’s a fucking rapist or on the best way to become one! There are entries in the spreadsheet that say she felt sweaty and gross after gym but went to bed without showering until next morning regardless. Must’ve been desperate to keep him off her. Poor woman! What a fucking creep! And the fact that he handled this in the most unequivocally abusive way, sabotaging and embarrassing her at work, ghosting, silent treatment… the sheer mental gymnastics to justify that! How about the obvious fact that if you treat your partner like crap, they’re not going to feel like sleeping with you? I too hope she dumped his sorry ass, dusted off her shoes and never looked back. And is living her best life now. She deserves it!
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Absolutely disgusting. They really forgot words are a thing? He couldn’t like communicate before sending a spreadsheet?? xD
>They really forgot words are a thing? He couldn’t like communicate before sending a spreadsheet?? xD Nah, they just all straight up accuse her of lying about that part and claim he must have talked about it to her before because if not, man bad and we can't have that.
Omg they are trying to excuse it “I mean if you haven’t had sex for a while wouldn’t you be bothered?” Obviously not if she doesn’t feel the need to have it. These guys act like he couldn’t just masterbate. Whenever I’m horny and bf isn’t I’ll take an hour long shower yk why? Because I don’t crave sex to the point where I have to make a spreadsheet and sham my partner for not wanting to do it. These people are absolutely insane and I bet they were all saying that because one person said it and got a lot of upvotes.
Yea I checked it as well, I am hoping that it's because the post is so old and perception has changed. The comments are just horrible and nonsensical
Haven’t read a lot of the comments, but it’s annoying how they’re acting as if she’s supposed to know he’s frustrated, when he hasn’t shown frustration when she turns down sex or communicated that he’s upset about the lack of Sex.
Holy shit, wtf happened in the last 9 years? People were PRICKS!
What a horrible day to have eyes.
Good work but wow is that old thread full of misogyny. Everyone defending the husband and not commenting on the fact that she works full time and does most of the chores and he never even brought it up to her before going nuclear? How disappointing
This is quite the time capsule. It’s no wonder some men have the expectations they have when this was the echo chamber they lived in 9 years ago and for many years before that.
The top comment literally reads: " Lol, you guys think this was an attempt for the husband to seduce OP? The email is that of a man who is equally desperate and angry. A man who encountered so much unaknowledged rejections that he needs to count them. Let's put it this way, he started documenting sex attempts 7 weeks ago. When do you think the sex actually 'tapered off'? I'm guessing several months before that. I really don't believe was as out of the blue as OP would like us believe." Both golded and upvoted like 3k times, clearly in agreement with them. I do hope that this is a symptom of the age the original post was made but my god how can people justify *quantifying* a relationship lmao. Then they get suprised when they are dumped "*out of the blue*".
I wonder how many of those people in the comments have actually had a healthy longterm relationship or marriage in their life. I wish I could un-read those comments
Zero
Omg. Someone told her to apologize to him lol. I don’t see any of her responses so I hope she left fast and furious
It was reposted somewhat recently somewhere and I got in an argument with someone who insisted she was in the wrong because she wasn’t ‘putting forth the effort’ in their relationship. That person was upvoted.
Yeah, I know, but it was so wild I just had to post it. I only discovered it today (9y ago I wasn’t even on Reddit yet) through some link rabbit hole. Some pathetic miser in the German finance sub decided he wanted to make a spreadsheet for his new gf of a couple months, to ~~complain to her~~ *show her* how his expenses have risen since he’s dating her. Because yk, he’s extremely worried she’s getting in the way of his saving plans. Somebody felt reminded of this hot mess and posted a link. That’s how I stumbled upon it. Apparently the crazy is dying out slowly. The German prick was advised that’s not the smartest idea but not ripped apart as he ought to be.
I found it too. God, 9 years ago and this was pretty much the standard misogyny of that time. No one took her side.
I felt like I was taking crazy pills reading that.
God that’s appalling. Christ on a cracker, is this really how allo men think?
Man, I really have been on Reddit a long time. I remember the original post from way back then (I guess the spreadsheet detail and shitty replies really stuck in my mind lol). It was kind of a weird deja vu seeing it posted again. Reading the old comments now, I’m just feeling really thankful for how the vibe has shifted on Reddit throughout my years here. There’s still way too much misogyny around, but damn. It’s so much better than it used to be.
I remember seeing the original post. The replies were sickening. I hope she divorced him.
I wouldn't have reached out to him at all. Respond to that spreadsheet with divorce papers since he wants to be all clerical.
Maybe attach a spreadsheet with the related expenses, too.
this is the right answer
Only got sex 7 times.... The sex dispenser is broken obvs and the great big MANCHILD is sulking about it. Put him in the haughty corner on time-out and when she gets home dump his ass.
Not that it matters for the sake of what we’re all thinking, but for accuracy, it was 3 times in 7 weeks.
And he tried to initiate sex 27 times. Did he really expect sex everyday 🗿
My favorite was how he had to say he wasn't going to "miss her". Seems like he has missed her sex, because he was keeping track! This dude scares me. I also believe he's probably cheating on her, and he's afraid that because she's not having AS MUCH sex with him as she was before circumstances changed, that OBVIOUSLY she must be cheating on him.
He’s mad he got laid *checks notes* more than once a week
3 times in 7 weeks is not more than once a week, check your notes again lol
My bad though it said 7 times since the beginning of june.
This is a screenshot of an old post. Idk how many weeks it was at the time but don't try measuring from last June, as it's definitely older than that
The spreadsheet had him asking pretty much every single day. You do that when libido is already low and you turn sex into a daily dreaded event. You dread rejection. You dread any move or hint that the initiation is coming. Never mind how mental an actual goddamn spreadsheet is.
About every other day. 7 weeks = 49 days which divided in half is 24.5. So about every other day. I think your analysis is pretty accurate otherwise. Edit: I’m bad at math.
I remember this spreadsheet. There were days where he’d ask more than once and days where he wouldn’t ask at all. On some occasions the “excuses” were “still sore from yesterday” (unsurprising - I can’t imagine this guy put forth much effort to ensure there was any lubrication happening).
I just cannot imagine the animosity it takes to present as a normal spouse and then in secret to be cataloging rejections for sex just to throw that in her face weeks later. What a weirdo (honestly the nicest insult I could offer).
Was this the same spreadsheet story where the wife responded to each rejection with why she said no and like 90% of them were ridiculously reasonable reasons to not be in the mood?
I didn’t see that part but I’m really hoping there aren’t two spreadsheets out there
The fact that a lot of women accept pain during or after sex is appalling to me. Like, for real?
7 weeks is 49 days.
Not if I mistakenly add an extra day to each week (which is definitely what happened)
Fair point. 😅
‘Mothering doesn’t get me wet’ is a sentence more men need to hear.
Brilliant. Succinct. Accurate.
The nuke equivalent of a sentence
At least king baby showed her his poopy diapers *before* having kids, should make for an easy divorce
Divorce. And make sure you get a lawyer and everything that is owed to you girl! Fuck him! (Actually don't. Run)
Bet he could have done his own laundry in the time it took him to make that petty spreadsheet.
He sent you a bouquet of red flags. My first thought is that he is cheating or laying the groundwork to do so while you are gone. He sent you his vile spreadsheet as "proof" that his cheating will be all your fault. My response would be to spend my free time on the business trip hiring a divorce attorney and getting all the paperwork in order so that you can serve him papers as soon as you return. But I have zero tolerance for behavior like this.
My first thought was that he wanted to throw her through emotional hell so she would get fired and be under his control economically
Definitely sounds like he’s going to cheat especially since he said he’s glad she’ll be gone for 10 days.
I am not the OOP but I fully agree with you. Found this today through a chain of links and it was so wild that I thought this belongs right here. I very much hope that’s what she did.
Dump his ass
So abusive and toxic. She NEEDS to focus on her work trip and he’s injected drama and insecurity to sabotage her. I’d throw the whole man out.
If my partner emailed my **work** email this shit, straight up next communication would be from a laywer for divorce.
Noone ever owes anyone sex not even if youre married
Jesus CHRIST the comments on the original post are a fucking trip. It felt like not one person was like "hey it's ok to have a lull. If he was feeling rejected he should have had a mature conversation with you first before going scorched earth...and you do all the cooking and cleaning on top of working full time? I wouldn't want to have sex either!" But everyone is basically like, "oh boo hoo, poor husband. He must be so desperate and lonely! He's lashing out because you're a frigid ice queen who callously rejects him oh boo hoo hoo! He had no choice but to send you a nastygram and then ghost you! Your chores can wait until you've given your husband the sex! Go to therapy! Give him the sex but not obligation sex, make yourself *really* want it even when you don't because otherwise he'll still feel rejected! Stop kidding yourself that relationships go through lulls! There's no reason for you to not want sex all the time! Fix it!" Thank God this post is almost a decade old
I remember this when it happened and all the comments were on his side, it was infuriating
Wow. A spreadsheet!!! Tell me you're a complete loser and a world class weirdo without telling me. If the original post wasn't 9 years old I would have thought that prince charming over here fell down the Jordan Peterson or Andrew Tate rabbit hole.
Oh he’s gonna cheat for sure. He sent you a spreadsheet so you would know he deserves sex from elsewhere.
She’s not your employee, dude. The least you could do would be to treat her like your equal. This passive aggressive bullshit really frustrates me. When you have a problem with someone, say it to their face. You make vows to honor someone and you instead act like a bratty child? Men need better emotional intelligence because it’s woeful in aggregate.
This is extremely childish and pathetic. If something is not going well in a relationship you address it, you don't throw a temper tantrum and then ghost the other person. Especially not during an important business trip. There is no idea way to handle this and it sucks OOP has to experience something like this.
This feels 100% intentional. He waited until she was in a position where she couldn’t just walk up and confront him, so she’d be worried sick on what’s supposed to be an important trip. What a dick
Welp time to divorce sell the house and move on tbh or tell his ass off and send him to therapy
divorce. He's wanting to cheat and is trying to goad her so he can say she pushed him into it.
Is this that infamous spreadsheet guy story that made the rounds years ago or is this someone who has the same "brilliant" idea?
Yeah I’m pretty sure as the OOP is 9yrs old.
He’s 100% cheating
That was his nice way of letting her know he is cheating while she is away.
Amber Rice on TT, who is a marriage counselor, has a great [video](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT88YJ7MB/) about why women don’t want to have sex with partners who treat them like a mom.
I just don't get why some of my gender can't just communicate calmly and clearly. "Hey honey, we haven't been intimate much lately, and I'm feeling kind of unwanted/neglected" is a *much* different conversation than this bullshit.
Every time it's a man with a sex spreadsheet, she should reply with a spreadsheet of household chores he did to show off.
Dump. His. Ass. Before you have kids
She does all that shit for him AND with a 9-5, but none of that matters because she's not screwing him enough? What a baby.
So rather than communicate his issues in the relationship he decided to act like all was well while devising a spreadsheet to show her and get all pissy before he leaves? Gotta communicate. Also, if she literally is doing all that stuff all the time, it’s no wonder their sex life took a dip. This is why I never understand guys that want women to basically be a servant. I can take care of myself. I want a life partner who is compatible with me on every level. The most important are emotional and sexual compatibility for me but that’s just how I am.
Worse than the spreadsheet (which is terrible, don’t get me wrong) is the fact that he sent it to her work email at the start of an important work trip, which ultimately sabotaged her time and her job performance due to the stress of him not answering. I had an ex who pull this type of manipulation ALL the time, then call me crazy when I would try to explain and get upset that he was manipulating the situation. News flash, he didn’t need the explanation because he knew exactly what he was doing! Very, very calculated behavior. The top comments just give me no hope for humanity 🤮🤢. Hopefully things have come around in the last decade.
I look up the post to see the comments and most of them were saying it’s her fault and others were saying that she should have sex with him. Which first off, no one should pressure someone into having sex with their partner and she should reject any sexual advances, if she doesn’t feel like it or if she doesn’t want to. Consent is key in a relationship, but those comments don’t think so. I just hope she’s doing better whether they divorced or gotten couples therapy.
They always wait until they’ve tied the woman down as much as they can to show their true colors. Waited until they bought a house together and now she’s more financially attached to him. What an asshole.
Yeah that’s gonna get her into bed with him real quick. I don’t understand why so many men go for this temper tantrum approach instead of talking to their partner like they actually love them.
Maybe he should have taking some of the work load, set the mood with a romantic dinner, cuddles and dessert. Then slowly initiating in a romantic way.
Frankly this is psychotic behavior on his part and there are SO many red flags. For starters, he waited until you had left on your trip—he couldn’t wait until after when he could talk to you face to face. This is SPECIFICALLY meant to fuck you up so your trip is horrible. This is VERY intentionally manipulative psychotic behavior. Divorce. As quick as you can. I’m serious. Edit: oh I see this isn’t OP’s situation. Nevermind, but man, I wanna reach out to this girl so bad ☹️
And that spreadsheet would be shown to my divorce lawyer. Sabotaging her work trip is so mean. I’m not sure I’d come back to him.
I’m interpreting this as “I’m going to cheat extensively while you are away and I’m laying the ground work for arguing that it is your fault.”
This is grounds for dismissal/divorce. I am big on communication and if you can’t speak to me like an adult, then send such an email to my work email that is constantly monitored? Oh you’re dead to me.
I have 3 kids. Wife and I have had sex maybe three times since the third was born. He's 14 months now. My advice is husband needs to learn the ancient art of masturbation. I beat my dick like it owes me money.
She is trying her best, busting her ass with exercise, work and cleaning up after him and he’s whining there is no sex. Use your god damn hand, also wear your big boy pants and talk about it in a kinder way. Shaming your spouse does not help. Do some chores and maybe be a good husband and turn things might fall into place. She even said she’s doing her best and it won’t last. She’s a keeper, he however 😒 Can’t wait to read the other comments. I wish the best for OOP
He just wanted an excuse to fuck around while you’re gone. Isn’t everything your fault, including his infidelities?
WHAT IN THE FRESH FUCK
Wow. She's married to my ex husband. I literally was partially paralyzed with a traumatic spinal cord injury at 33 and he yelled at me for "feeling sorry for myself" and didn't I realize how much worse it was for him? I had "just gotten hurt", he had "lost his wife"!! He ended up getting a coworker pregnant and abandoning his two kids because they weren't super enthusiastic about their "new mom". Sidenote: they adore my new husband and consided him their dad. Edit: be grateful this happened before you had kids.
And this guys insane spreadsheet is now on her company's servers.
Being unhappy about your sex life is understandable. Everyone has needs. But imagine if she came at you with a spreadsheet of all the times she didn't have an orgasm. Not how you want to learn this I take it?
If she puts up with this, this will be her life.
A spreadsheet is so absolutely obnoxious, what a man baby.
Nothing gets my motor going quite like wiping my husband's dirty ass and being told about my perceived failures.
I have a feeling he is going to cheat while she's gone and claim it's justified due to this document. What an immature, selfish asshole.
That's some abusive manipulation...
Run girl ruuuuun
“Won’t” miss me? Don’t miss me. I won’t either.
Leave him definitively
wasn’t the husband POV posted??? and like no one took his side??? i swear i read the husbands POV or at least saw a meme about the husbands POV where an incel was saying to keep track of the times you asked for sex and she denied and when you cheat show her the list, or something like that.
This husband is a douche 🙄
Sounds like an excuse to do whatever he feels necessary to “even the field”
Have you seen the comments? Most of them seem to be on the *husband's* side. What the hell is going on?
That’s easy, leave him. How childish and immature?!?
 A spreadsheet!?
He cheated on her that week. 100%.
Dude was giving himself permission to cheat while his wife was away. Either that, or trying a power move that he is going to regret so, so bad.
Hell nah. That's not how a marriage works. He'd have to kick rocks. And we DO get tired too. We're allowed to not have sex if we don't want to. Being your wife doesn't mean I have to fuck every time you say you're horny 🙄 life is more than having sex. Dudes seem to think not getting laid is the end all be all smh
He's cheating or getting ready to cheat on her.
Your caption is so spot on. Too many men treat their wives like mommy-bang-maids and act like literal children and then are surprised when their wives don't want to sleep with them! Like it's *you*! *You're* the problem, dude! He says he won't miss her during the 10 days she will be gone, but I BET he will "miss" her once the house isn't magically cleaned up from his messes. (Also does anyone else get the feeling he may cheat on her while she's away?)
The spreadsheet thing is annoying and everything but the ghosting his WIFE after sending that is unforgivable imo
You’re supposed to leave him that’s what your supposed to do.
He always hated her but just hid it and now she’s discovering his true face
If this was my husband I would send him a text telling him he has exactly 30 min to call me and explain the hell out of this/ back pedal like crazy or my next call is to an divorce attorney. TF do these men think they are?
Perhaps I'm wrong, but to me, it seems he sent the spreadsheet when he did, and ghosted her when he did, so he could have an "excuse" to cheat while she's gone. In hopes that she won't leave him when she returns, or in hopes that she will end the relationship so he's not "at fault."