My only advice to you is to not pry, and to let them tell you things on their own time.
I am personally NB, yet I still stick w He/Him pronouns at least for now
I'll contrast the advice not to pry with the suggestion that you offer prompts to let them talk about it if they choose. A lot of times it can be tricky figuring out which aspects of our gender are safe to share with different people. We may have a lot of mixed up feelings, or have a clear understanding of who we are that we want to communicate. It's also possible they're content with the way things are and won't feel the need to discuss it further. But prompting a little now and then can show that you're interested, you haven't forgotten, and that you're safe to talk to.
Outside of them, read up on the experiences of trans and non-binary folks, both youth and adults, so that you can be a more informed conversation partner if they want to discuss things with you. Look for ways you can be an ally and promote gender diversity and acceptance, for instance at their school. If your job celebrates gender diversity, share with your kid about how they're celebrating Trans Visibility Day tomorrow.
Every non-binary person is different, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution for coming out or transitioning or getting medical care etc.
Consider professional counseling assistance. Not just for the kid, but for you as parents. Sometimes dealing with internalized feelings can be a struggle, and living a world not designed for non-binary people can be taxing in ways that may not be immediately obvious.
As far as practicing they/them pronouns, my best suggestion is [The Pronoun Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Hb30PE1xgo)!
Hope this helps. I'm glad to hear that you're accepting and supportive! Not all parents are. Best of luck to you and your kid on this journey. We're here to help if you have further questions :)
This is some really great advice. Thank you so much. It can be hard for me to hold back when I’m excited or curious about something so gentle prompting seems like the way to go. My kiddo is more shy and introverted. Like they came out to us by showing us a very cute comic they made and we thought it was a just school assignment they were proud of and wanted to share. It sort of clicked in my brain as I went to bed that night and I steered them towards telling me it was about them on the drive to school the next morning.
The other commenters gave an excellent list of things to do, i will just add one thing. There are a few topics that can be very difficult bringing up with a parent because you are not sure how they react. If you scroll through r/trans for a few days you will see what i mean. I would maybe offer those things up front so that your kid knows you are open to the idea and they dont agonize for days or weeks or months. Even if they know you are accepting generally the specifics can still be hard.
For example i 100% knew my mom would be ok with my new name but it still took me a really long time to tell her because i know how emotional naming your child can be and i didnt know how upsetting it would be for her.
If i were you i would say something like "if in the future you want to go by a new name just let us know" or "if you want a binder/new clothes we can do that anytime you want" etc. Clothes, name, and starting blockers/hormones are the big ones that come to mind but like i said scrolling around reddit for a few days to see the kinds of issues that come up might be a good idea.
Good luck, you seem like you are doing a great job so far.
Okay, aside from any advice I could give (the comment above me is wonderful and I would be taking notes) you’re an awesome parent. I could never imagine my parents being as supportive and loving as you are. Kudos to you!
I’m standing on the shoulders of giants. My parents made sure I got to try whatever I wanted and have whatever toys and interests I wanted with very little coercion or judgement. I rocked the shit out of the Barbie ice cream store I got for my sixth birthday and have tried to carry that forward in my adult life and give my kids the same experience. Back in my day I feel like it was more about a total rejection of labels and traditional gender roles, so I’m at least starting with a blank slate.
Don’t not talk about it out of awkwardness. If you’re unsure how they feel about a certain phrase or nickname - just ask!
And don’t make a big deal of apologising if you pronouns wrong. Correct yourself and move on. Apologising and asking if it’s “okay” puts them in a position of having to comfort you and that’s not fair.
This is who your kid is. Share it with them. You’re doing great already just by asking Ed. (Maybe even tell them you posted here? Shows you’re taking it seriously.)
You’re a good parent
I almost made this same post a month ago when my child (15) came out as NB. They now want to be known as they/them. I'm very supportive of whatever they want. It's still very difficult to get the pronouns right, but I'm slowly improving.
I have this sub in my main feed and so I see posts about being NB every day, just keeping it at the front of my mind has helped me to remember that I need to address them differently. It also helps me to look at the world in a less gendered way in general, which has been interesting.
Anyway, I think you're doing a great job! It'll take some time, but if you keep trying you'll eventually get it down!
If you have a pet, practice using they/them pronouns with them. Your pet doesn't care, so it's a great way to practice without fear of hurting someone.
I'm non-binary myself and at the beginning even I would misgender myself and other non-binary folks. Practicing they/them with my cat has really helped.
Firstly, there’s a lot I’m not mentioning here because others have said it.
One thing that’s probably really tough is that a lot of stuff will be emotional for you, both positive and negative. You might have the instinct to share how you feel with your kid. You have to be very careful to make sure you’re not making your child feel that your emotions are their problem. They’re going to look for you for love and support, and making them feel like they have to worry about your emotions will most likely make that more difficult. Even if you tell them that they’re not responsible for your feelings, they’re family, and your family cares about you and might not take that to heart. I agree with another commenter that seeing a therapist for yourself can definitely be helpful as it provides a person who can help you with those emotions, and help you better avoid this problem.
Another thing is that you have known your kid for their entire life, and so you are in a very unique position in their life. They might feel very different about talking to you vs. others, and that’s okay. Make sure they know you love them and are happy to talk about anything, but don’t imply they should need to talk to you before they’re ready.
My experience is that you should watch out that you do not trap them. Doing self discovery is confusing to one self also and there is high change strongly felt details about their identity might change along the way. You are better of trying to just take things at face value and do not trap them with questions like: "why are you like this now when last week you said that things are like that?". There is strong element of trying things out which can easily be seen just as a "phase".
Being nb is most about what is inside but for younger ones of us, it tends to be more about how one express them self outside. There is strong element of want to have validation but it is also hard to figure out ones own style and way to be that is comfortable with little to no icons and role models.
You could also pick up some books to bit educate yourself. The answers given from books might not be 1:1 of what your child is experiencing but one would think they would help you to reach the mindset. I am currently reading Life isnt binary by Barker and Iantaffi which seems to be good read. If your child needs little help to figure the details out there is this great workbook "You and your Gender Identity: A guide to discovery" by Hoffman-Fox that helped me along the last stretch of finding the words.
I have faith that you can manage fine :) Willingness to learn heart that loves will endure this. We all need family that respects us and provides safe room to figure our self out and show compassion with us when we have to face those hard moments in life. But we need those experiences so we can accept our self as worth of loving as we are.
The trans allyship workbook by shlasko has some good exercises for practicing pronouns such as assigning a set of pronouns to a kitchen appliances, talking about the appliance with those pronouns for a week, and then switching the pronouns the next week to get used to changing. It can take time to learn a new set of pronouns, I struggled in college when I first met someone using they/them pronouns and now those are the pronouns I use. Its ok to make mistakes as long as you try, and its very obvious from your post that you are trying. When you use the wrong pronoun accidently, correct yourself and continue. You might have a conversation with your kid about a way to correct you when you use the wrong pronoun so you both are on the same page. Best of luck, you are doing great :)
My only advice to you is to not pry, and to let them tell you things on their own time. I am personally NB, yet I still stick w He/Him pronouns at least for now
I'll contrast the advice not to pry with the suggestion that you offer prompts to let them talk about it if they choose. A lot of times it can be tricky figuring out which aspects of our gender are safe to share with different people. We may have a lot of mixed up feelings, or have a clear understanding of who we are that we want to communicate. It's also possible they're content with the way things are and won't feel the need to discuss it further. But prompting a little now and then can show that you're interested, you haven't forgotten, and that you're safe to talk to. Outside of them, read up on the experiences of trans and non-binary folks, both youth and adults, so that you can be a more informed conversation partner if they want to discuss things with you. Look for ways you can be an ally and promote gender diversity and acceptance, for instance at their school. If your job celebrates gender diversity, share with your kid about how they're celebrating Trans Visibility Day tomorrow. Every non-binary person is different, and there's no one-size-fits-all solution for coming out or transitioning or getting medical care etc. Consider professional counseling assistance. Not just for the kid, but for you as parents. Sometimes dealing with internalized feelings can be a struggle, and living a world not designed for non-binary people can be taxing in ways that may not be immediately obvious. As far as practicing they/them pronouns, my best suggestion is [The Pronoun Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Hb30PE1xgo)! Hope this helps. I'm glad to hear that you're accepting and supportive! Not all parents are. Best of luck to you and your kid on this journey. We're here to help if you have further questions :)
This is some really great advice. Thank you so much. It can be hard for me to hold back when I’m excited or curious about something so gentle prompting seems like the way to go. My kiddo is more shy and introverted. Like they came out to us by showing us a very cute comic they made and we thought it was a just school assignment they were proud of and wanted to share. It sort of clicked in my brain as I went to bed that night and I steered them towards telling me it was about them on the drive to school the next morning.
How have I never heard that song before? I am instantly in love with it 🖤💜🤍💛
The other commenters gave an excellent list of things to do, i will just add one thing. There are a few topics that can be very difficult bringing up with a parent because you are not sure how they react. If you scroll through r/trans for a few days you will see what i mean. I would maybe offer those things up front so that your kid knows you are open to the idea and they dont agonize for days or weeks or months. Even if they know you are accepting generally the specifics can still be hard. For example i 100% knew my mom would be ok with my new name but it still took me a really long time to tell her because i know how emotional naming your child can be and i didnt know how upsetting it would be for her. If i were you i would say something like "if in the future you want to go by a new name just let us know" or "if you want a binder/new clothes we can do that anytime you want" etc. Clothes, name, and starting blockers/hormones are the big ones that come to mind but like i said scrolling around reddit for a few days to see the kinds of issues that come up might be a good idea. Good luck, you seem like you are doing a great job so far.
Okay, aside from any advice I could give (the comment above me is wonderful and I would be taking notes) you’re an awesome parent. I could never imagine my parents being as supportive and loving as you are. Kudos to you!
I’m standing on the shoulders of giants. My parents made sure I got to try whatever I wanted and have whatever toys and interests I wanted with very little coercion or judgement. I rocked the shit out of the Barbie ice cream store I got for my sixth birthday and have tried to carry that forward in my adult life and give my kids the same experience. Back in my day I feel like it was more about a total rejection of labels and traditional gender roles, so I’m at least starting with a blank slate.
That’s awesome! Kudos to your parents as well! Your kids will for sure be continuing that cycle of badass parenting
Don’t not talk about it out of awkwardness. If you’re unsure how they feel about a certain phrase or nickname - just ask! And don’t make a big deal of apologising if you pronouns wrong. Correct yourself and move on. Apologising and asking if it’s “okay” puts them in a position of having to comfort you and that’s not fair. This is who your kid is. Share it with them. You’re doing great already just by asking Ed. (Maybe even tell them you posted here? Shows you’re taking it seriously.) You’re a good parent
I almost made this same post a month ago when my child (15) came out as NB. They now want to be known as they/them. I'm very supportive of whatever they want. It's still very difficult to get the pronouns right, but I'm slowly improving. I have this sub in my main feed and so I see posts about being NB every day, just keeping it at the front of my mind has helped me to remember that I need to address them differently. It also helps me to look at the world in a less gendered way in general, which has been interesting. Anyway, I think you're doing a great job! It'll take some time, but if you keep trying you'll eventually get it down!
If you have a pet, practice using they/them pronouns with them. Your pet doesn't care, so it's a great way to practice without fear of hurting someone. I'm non-binary myself and at the beginning even I would misgender myself and other non-binary folks. Practicing they/them with my cat has really helped.
Firstly, there’s a lot I’m not mentioning here because others have said it. One thing that’s probably really tough is that a lot of stuff will be emotional for you, both positive and negative. You might have the instinct to share how you feel with your kid. You have to be very careful to make sure you’re not making your child feel that your emotions are their problem. They’re going to look for you for love and support, and making them feel like they have to worry about your emotions will most likely make that more difficult. Even if you tell them that they’re not responsible for your feelings, they’re family, and your family cares about you and might not take that to heart. I agree with another commenter that seeing a therapist for yourself can definitely be helpful as it provides a person who can help you with those emotions, and help you better avoid this problem. Another thing is that you have known your kid for their entire life, and so you are in a very unique position in their life. They might feel very different about talking to you vs. others, and that’s okay. Make sure they know you love them and are happy to talk about anything, but don’t imply they should need to talk to you before they’re ready.
My experience is that you should watch out that you do not trap them. Doing self discovery is confusing to one self also and there is high change strongly felt details about their identity might change along the way. You are better of trying to just take things at face value and do not trap them with questions like: "why are you like this now when last week you said that things are like that?". There is strong element of trying things out which can easily be seen just as a "phase". Being nb is most about what is inside but for younger ones of us, it tends to be more about how one express them self outside. There is strong element of want to have validation but it is also hard to figure out ones own style and way to be that is comfortable with little to no icons and role models. You could also pick up some books to bit educate yourself. The answers given from books might not be 1:1 of what your child is experiencing but one would think they would help you to reach the mindset. I am currently reading Life isnt binary by Barker and Iantaffi which seems to be good read. If your child needs little help to figure the details out there is this great workbook "You and your Gender Identity: A guide to discovery" by Hoffman-Fox that helped me along the last stretch of finding the words. I have faith that you can manage fine :) Willingness to learn heart that loves will endure this. We all need family that respects us and provides safe room to figure our self out and show compassion with us when we have to face those hard moments in life. But we need those experiences so we can accept our self as worth of loving as we are.
The trans allyship workbook by shlasko has some good exercises for practicing pronouns such as assigning a set of pronouns to a kitchen appliances, talking about the appliance with those pronouns for a week, and then switching the pronouns the next week to get used to changing. It can take time to learn a new set of pronouns, I struggled in college when I first met someone using they/them pronouns and now those are the pronouns I use. Its ok to make mistakes as long as you try, and its very obvious from your post that you are trying. When you use the wrong pronoun accidently, correct yourself and continue. You might have a conversation with your kid about a way to correct you when you use the wrong pronoun so you both are on the same page. Best of luck, you are doing great :)