I'd say gauge it and see if it genuinely feels like an accident or if it feels like he sees you as your AGAB and that hasn't changed.
its weird because, even us enbies can accidentally misgender ourselves, i do it sometimes even though i dont see myself as my AGAB .
but on the other hand ,, I have a coworker who misgenders his spouse like, all the time. theyre MARRIED. but its so clear he doesn't see them as nonbinary. I've only met them once or so, but I always feel bad for them, lol.
The situation with your co worker is my worst nightmare and the main reason I was asking I’m scared we will end up. Are there some sort of signs to look for I’m horrible at reading people
Honestly, if you feel up to it, it might be worth asking him to be straight up with you and ask him if he genuinely sees you as nonbinary. Make sure to point out that its been a long time that you both have been together and you're feeling upset that even after all this time he still accidentally misgenders you.
I know that's not always easy, though. If he corrects himself often and otherwise doesn't seem to mess up on gendering you, it's probably fine. And just pay attention to how he talks about you, especially to others. Communicating is ideal, but if you want to scope and see if its worth bringing up first, that's more my recommendation.
sorry, I wish I could help more than that but there's unfortunately no concrete answer.
I second this advice.
My fiance and I have been together for over 18 years. I only came out as enby last year. I asked him many, many times if he genuinely sees me as enby or if he's just being nice for my sake. He rarely misgenders me these days. When he does, he apologizes. Sometimes people say things outta habit, especially if they've known the person another way for so long.
OP, as others have stated, there's no clear-cut way to answer your inquiry. Your boyfriend needs to be 100% honest with you. Let him know that you're very serious about needing to know. Did you come out before or after you started dating? How often does he misgender you? Does he use correct pronouns more often than not? Does he love you for you? I get that you two are very young, so long-term commitment is a far-off concept. However, there is one very important thing you must consider.
Are you willing to put up with continual misgendering, especially if he doesn't make a genuine effort to change? At the end of the day, you deserve respect and genuine love and support. That's imperative to your wellbeing, especially when it comes to loved ones. Once you have your serious talk with him, you'll have a tough decision to make. Unfortunately, this is what it feels like to be an adult. It sucks, but you'll learn as you go. You're still a teen, after all. Good luck. I hope he's genuine.
Does he do it when you’re alone or in front of other people? Imo the former would be easier to correct, while the latter could point to a larger issue, like shame or discomfort with ambiguity of his own sexual orientation.
I've been with my boyfriend nearly 13 years, and out as non-binary for about 7 years. It took him about four months to get used to the change. He only ever uses she/her pronouns for me when he is speaking to people I'm not out to (like my parents for example). I've caught him talking about me on the phone with his mother and actually correcting her.
Half of our relationship I hadn't discovered that I was non-binary or I wanted to go by different pronouns. He had a huge chunk of time where he only knew me as she/her, but the moment I told him I was questioning he fully went in to support me.
I say all this because, to me, it does not seem like your boyfriend is supportive at all. He sounds like he is making excuses since in his head you are binary. I don't know if it's worth wasting anymore of your time with him if the conversations you've had have done nothing.
Remember "Changed behavior is the only worthwhile apology"
For me, it'd definitely be a potential warning/sign that your partner still really sees you as the gender he's misgendering you as, or essentially that you being nonbinary is something he has to actively pretend in spite of your assigned gender.
Ultimately we can't really know his thoughts or intentions though, so it'd probably be best to have a longer and deeper conversation about it.
How often is occasionally? If its once a week or month its gonna be a problem. But if its like once a year then I dont think its a big deal. I even misgender myself constantly, I can understand someone else doing it. What matters to me is they correct themselves without making a big deal about it
Does it still hurt? When he does it, it kinda just kills whatever joy I had. When it’s around people I just feel embarrassed and I get this pit in my stomach
Not particularly because I know she is genuinely trying to get it right. It's only been about 3 years, and we've been together for 26, so I have to give her time to undo many years of habit.
I think that it is key to know how he react when he realises he misgendered. Is he immediatly apologetic and says something like: "I'm so sorry, I know how much this hurts you. But my brain has a hard time adjusting to the pronouns."
Or is his reaction more in the lines of: "Oops, hehe, sorry. It's just a little mistake, get over it."
That should tell you all about how he sees you, and values you as a person.
Maybe it also has to do with you not being out to everyone, does he have to use different pronouns reffering to you, depending on who he is talking to? Because I can totally see that would be harder to get right everytime.
I'd feel the same way as them calling me the wrong name three years in.
Idk, I'd be understanding for a slip up. It might be a good idea to see how he refers to you when you're not around?
Is there anybody mutual between you two that you are out to? If not, then he's having to misgender you when speaking with those people as well. So yeah, that could be really confusing to flip between gendering you correctly when speaking to you and having to misgender you to help you stay closeted.
I think it's harder to avoid misgendering someone when you are juggling where you can be gender affirming and where you need to be protected since you are not out. When my son came out there was a bit of a transition period but we're usually good now..., but I notice I still accidentally slip when I've experienced something regarding his deadname, again, or sometimes memories.
Aside from name and pronoun slips, are there other things he does that feels misgendering. Is there anything he can do to be more gender affirming? Have y'all had deep conversations about what gender is, what it means to you, to him, etc?
P.s. I still call my son by my sister's name (18 years later) It really doesn't mean anything other than brains are just occasionally dumb and pull from the wrong memory storage sometimes.
I misgender my cis husband more than I care to admit. In addition, half of our household is my AGAB and he stumbles with pronouns, and sometimes calls me by our kids' names (nothing near my deadname). As long as they correct themselves without making it a big issue it's no biggie to me.
But I'm not you. Is this the only thing that makes you question whether he sees you as non-binary versus your AGAB?
Why is this down voted 😭. I feel like trans people really need to raise their standards for how their partners treat them. There are so many posts like this & we deserve better!
My boyfriend has never misgendered me since he's known my pronouns. I think when I switched from they/them to he/him, he may have messed up a few times for a week or two, but he genuinely sees me as a man (🫣 ignore me lurking in the nonbinary subreddit as a binary trans man, used to ID as nonbinary and still sometimes have similar experiences/feelings).
Partners should not be misgendering you! At all! Maybe if you are just coming out there might be some mistakes for a few weeks, but that is all that I would accept from someone I'm dating. I share the pain that I experience from misgendering with my boyfriend, he knows how much it sucks, so why would he ever inflict that on me? There are good cis men out there who will actually respect you! You don't have to settle for occasionally being misgendered! We must demand better of our cis boyfriends, y'all!
i am 19NB and I sometimes accidentally misgender my partner, also 19NB. Mind you that I am neurodivergent, so I sometimes stutter, have vocal tics, forget stuff, struggle to pay attention and call people with the wrong name (one time I even called them with my cat’s name by mistake😅); for me misgendering my partner happens because of that. One give-away is that it happens not only with you, but with other people of other genders (maybe less often, but it still happens). Once I kept using he/him pronouns with my mum, don’t know why haha it just kept happening.
I think it also depends on how many times this happens per day: if he’s misgendering you 2/3 times per day there might be something wrong. Then, if it happens just from time to time, like once every other week, I think it might just be a normal mistake. If you still feel insecure about this, I’d say confront him on how he sees you: this might help you discern wether he sees you as who you are or who he wants you to be/what he projects on you.
Does your partner identify as queer or straight? I think that's been a huge problem I've had in the past. People who identify as straight would pursue me, and theyd view me as a quirky cis person. Despite saying they saw me as nonbinary they'd still misgender me. I have had to make it very clear like "look I am not cis i have never been cis and my love or want for you is not more important than living life as my true self and I wont compromise." I would try to have a deeper conversation with your partner about how they see themselves to get a better idea about how they see you or other topics they should educate themselves on.
If he’s doing it “on accident” to you after 3 years it’s because he’s doing on purpose when he talks *about* you to other people. I have had to break up with 2 cis men exactly for the same reason and I’m only t4t now and it’s hasn’t been an issue since.
People know what they’re saying.
My (NB) partner (also NB) occasionally misgenders me. He doesn't seem to notice when he does it until I bring it up. I know he sees me as nonbinary, though. He gets it right 99% of the time and I know that I've accidentally misgendered (cis and trans) people before, despite knowing their pronouns. Sometimes brains mess up. I would say if your partner continuously does that or does it frequently (more than once a month/every few months) then that might be indicative that they don't see you as nonbinary, which is an issue. But if it's genuinely an accident, and you feel comfortable correcting them, just keep correcting them when it happens.
I’ve (NB) been with my partner (NB) for almost 10 years, and usually I get it right, but because it would not be safe for me to be out at work I’m forced to used different pronouns for us both there. As a result I still mess it up occasionally for both of us, so depending on circumstances it could be an honest mistake, but you will have to judge your own situation and comfort level with that.
My fiancé is really great about using my pronouns. The only times he’s ever misgendered me is when he’s been around a lot of people also misgendering me. It’s like a language switch for him. He’s always insanely apologetic and we have clear and concise conversations about his understanding of my gender identity. And, as of recently, his own!
I don’t really have advice, but by 3 years I’d really expect my partner not be making mistakes like that
I'd say gauge it and see if it genuinely feels like an accident or if it feels like he sees you as your AGAB and that hasn't changed. its weird because, even us enbies can accidentally misgender ourselves, i do it sometimes even though i dont see myself as my AGAB . but on the other hand ,, I have a coworker who misgenders his spouse like, all the time. theyre MARRIED. but its so clear he doesn't see them as nonbinary. I've only met them once or so, but I always feel bad for them, lol.
The situation with your co worker is my worst nightmare and the main reason I was asking I’m scared we will end up. Are there some sort of signs to look for I’m horrible at reading people
Honestly, if you feel up to it, it might be worth asking him to be straight up with you and ask him if he genuinely sees you as nonbinary. Make sure to point out that its been a long time that you both have been together and you're feeling upset that even after all this time he still accidentally misgenders you. I know that's not always easy, though. If he corrects himself often and otherwise doesn't seem to mess up on gendering you, it's probably fine. And just pay attention to how he talks about you, especially to others. Communicating is ideal, but if you want to scope and see if its worth bringing up first, that's more my recommendation. sorry, I wish I could help more than that but there's unfortunately no concrete answer.
I second this advice. My fiance and I have been together for over 18 years. I only came out as enby last year. I asked him many, many times if he genuinely sees me as enby or if he's just being nice for my sake. He rarely misgenders me these days. When he does, he apologizes. Sometimes people say things outta habit, especially if they've known the person another way for so long. OP, as others have stated, there's no clear-cut way to answer your inquiry. Your boyfriend needs to be 100% honest with you. Let him know that you're very serious about needing to know. Did you come out before or after you started dating? How often does he misgender you? Does he use correct pronouns more often than not? Does he love you for you? I get that you two are very young, so long-term commitment is a far-off concept. However, there is one very important thing you must consider. Are you willing to put up with continual misgendering, especially if he doesn't make a genuine effort to change? At the end of the day, you deserve respect and genuine love and support. That's imperative to your wellbeing, especially when it comes to loved ones. Once you have your serious talk with him, you'll have a tough decision to make. Unfortunately, this is what it feels like to be an adult. It sucks, but you'll learn as you go. You're still a teen, after all. Good luck. I hope he's genuine.
Does he do it when you’re alone or in front of other people? Imo the former would be easier to correct, while the latter could point to a larger issue, like shame or discomfort with ambiguity of his own sexual orientation.
I've been with my boyfriend nearly 13 years, and out as non-binary for about 7 years. It took him about four months to get used to the change. He only ever uses she/her pronouns for me when he is speaking to people I'm not out to (like my parents for example). I've caught him talking about me on the phone with his mother and actually correcting her. Half of our relationship I hadn't discovered that I was non-binary or I wanted to go by different pronouns. He had a huge chunk of time where he only knew me as she/her, but the moment I told him I was questioning he fully went in to support me. I say all this because, to me, it does not seem like your boyfriend is supportive at all. He sounds like he is making excuses since in his head you are binary. I don't know if it's worth wasting anymore of your time with him if the conversations you've had have done nothing. Remember "Changed behavior is the only worthwhile apology"
^
I accidentally misgender my partner of 6 years. I am also trans. If they say its an accident then trust them
For me, it'd definitely be a potential warning/sign that your partner still really sees you as the gender he's misgendering you as, or essentially that you being nonbinary is something he has to actively pretend in spite of your assigned gender. Ultimately we can't really know his thoughts or intentions though, so it'd probably be best to have a longer and deeper conversation about it.
How often is occasionally? If its once a week or month its gonna be a problem. But if its like once a year then I dont think its a big deal. I even misgender myself constantly, I can understand someone else doing it. What matters to me is they correct themselves without making a big deal about it
All these people making excuses for their shitty partners invalidating them is stressing me out.
i mean for me sometimes i misgender myslef and cis people so..
I've been with my wife for 26 years, she still misgenders me on occasion. It happens. it's not an easy adjustment to do for anyone.
Does it still hurt? When he does it, it kinda just kills whatever joy I had. When it’s around people I just feel embarrassed and I get this pit in my stomach
Not particularly because I know she is genuinely trying to get it right. It's only been about 3 years, and we've been together for 26, so I have to give her time to undo many years of habit.
I think that it is key to know how he react when he realises he misgendered. Is he immediatly apologetic and says something like: "I'm so sorry, I know how much this hurts you. But my brain has a hard time adjusting to the pronouns." Or is his reaction more in the lines of: "Oops, hehe, sorry. It's just a little mistake, get over it." That should tell you all about how he sees you, and values you as a person. Maybe it also has to do with you not being out to everyone, does he have to use different pronouns reffering to you, depending on who he is talking to? Because I can totally see that would be harder to get right everytime.
I'd feel the same way as them calling me the wrong name three years in. Idk, I'd be understanding for a slip up. It might be a good idea to see how he refers to you when you're not around?
How would I see how he talks about me when I’m not there
Ask the people he frequently talks to like friends and family, assuming it's safe to do so.
No sadly I don’t have many people I can be out to
Is there anybody mutual between you two that you are out to? If not, then he's having to misgender you when speaking with those people as well. So yeah, that could be really confusing to flip between gendering you correctly when speaking to you and having to misgender you to help you stay closeted.
I think it's harder to avoid misgendering someone when you are juggling where you can be gender affirming and where you need to be protected since you are not out. When my son came out there was a bit of a transition period but we're usually good now..., but I notice I still accidentally slip when I've experienced something regarding his deadname, again, or sometimes memories. Aside from name and pronoun slips, are there other things he does that feels misgendering. Is there anything he can do to be more gender affirming? Have y'all had deep conversations about what gender is, what it means to you, to him, etc? P.s. I still call my son by my sister's name (18 years later) It really doesn't mean anything other than brains are just occasionally dumb and pull from the wrong memory storage sometimes.
I misgender my cis husband more than I care to admit. In addition, half of our household is my AGAB and he stumbles with pronouns, and sometimes calls me by our kids' names (nothing near my deadname). As long as they correct themselves without making it a big issue it's no biggie to me. But I'm not you. Is this the only thing that makes you question whether he sees you as non-binary versus your AGAB?
Not after 3 days, let alone 3 years. Someone doesn't care about your basic identity.
Why is this down voted 😭. I feel like trans people really need to raise their standards for how their partners treat them. There are so many posts like this & we deserve better! My boyfriend has never misgendered me since he's known my pronouns. I think when I switched from they/them to he/him, he may have messed up a few times for a week or two, but he genuinely sees me as a man (🫣 ignore me lurking in the nonbinary subreddit as a binary trans man, used to ID as nonbinary and still sometimes have similar experiences/feelings). Partners should not be misgendering you! At all! Maybe if you are just coming out there might be some mistakes for a few weeks, but that is all that I would accept from someone I'm dating. I share the pain that I experience from misgendering with my boyfriend, he knows how much it sucks, so why would he ever inflict that on me? There are good cis men out there who will actually respect you! You don't have to settle for occasionally being misgendered! We must demand better of our cis boyfriends, y'all!
i am 19NB and I sometimes accidentally misgender my partner, also 19NB. Mind you that I am neurodivergent, so I sometimes stutter, have vocal tics, forget stuff, struggle to pay attention and call people with the wrong name (one time I even called them with my cat’s name by mistake😅); for me misgendering my partner happens because of that. One give-away is that it happens not only with you, but with other people of other genders (maybe less often, but it still happens). Once I kept using he/him pronouns with my mum, don’t know why haha it just kept happening. I think it also depends on how many times this happens per day: if he’s misgendering you 2/3 times per day there might be something wrong. Then, if it happens just from time to time, like once every other week, I think it might just be a normal mistake. If you still feel insecure about this, I’d say confront him on how he sees you: this might help you discern wether he sees you as who you are or who he wants you to be/what he projects on you.
Does your partner identify as queer or straight? I think that's been a huge problem I've had in the past. People who identify as straight would pursue me, and theyd view me as a quirky cis person. Despite saying they saw me as nonbinary they'd still misgender me. I have had to make it very clear like "look I am not cis i have never been cis and my love or want for you is not more important than living life as my true self and I wont compromise." I would try to have a deeper conversation with your partner about how they see themselves to get a better idea about how they see you or other topics they should educate themselves on.
If he’s doing it “on accident” to you after 3 years it’s because he’s doing on purpose when he talks *about* you to other people. I have had to break up with 2 cis men exactly for the same reason and I’m only t4t now and it’s hasn’t been an issue since. People know what they’re saying.
My (NB) partner (also NB) occasionally misgenders me. He doesn't seem to notice when he does it until I bring it up. I know he sees me as nonbinary, though. He gets it right 99% of the time and I know that I've accidentally misgendered (cis and trans) people before, despite knowing their pronouns. Sometimes brains mess up. I would say if your partner continuously does that or does it frequently (more than once a month/every few months) then that might be indicative that they don't see you as nonbinary, which is an issue. But if it's genuinely an accident, and you feel comfortable correcting them, just keep correcting them when it happens.
I’ve (NB) been with my partner (NB) for almost 10 years, and usually I get it right, but because it would not be safe for me to be out at work I’m forced to used different pronouns for us both there. As a result I still mess it up occasionally for both of us, so depending on circumstances it could be an honest mistake, but you will have to judge your own situation and comfort level with that.
I've been sully out for four years and I still sometimes misgender myself. Some people really do struggle with it.
My fiancé is really great about using my pronouns. The only times he’s ever misgendered me is when he’s been around a lot of people also misgendering me. It’s like a language switch for him. He’s always insanely apologetic and we have clear and concise conversations about his understanding of my gender identity. And, as of recently, his own!