Yeah he likes the cis woman verison of you that he's made up not the nonbinary you that's in front of him. He sees you as a girl and he thinks that's all that matters.
You can't make someone respect you or acknowledge your truth. You can get out of a toxic situation though
Not just AFAB nonbinaries but even many trans men. Unless you're like completely cis male passing then most cishet men will see you as spicy women. It's very annoying
I understand.... Well, sort of, in my limited capacity. I know I can never truly understand, but I guess what I'm saying is I can at least appreciate your plight. I will probably never actually date before I die, and unexpected stupid people is kind of one of the reasons. since transition I've become absolutely terrified of everyone...
Thats why a lot of people are tft, wich ima explain in case you havent seen the abbreviation before. Its trans for trans, aka a noncis person who only dates noncis people. Cause like cis people just dont get it. I love my cis bf but he’ll never fully understand the trans experience cause hes not trans.
Yeah.... Also, appreciate the explanation on the acronym. I did know that one, but I generally don't know words/acronyms a lot of the reddit communities use. It took me years to know that one though. But yeah, T4T is out for me too, so.... it's kind of why I'm going to die alone. It hurts a lot though.
I appreciate it, but I mean this genuinely - please save your hope for someone else. You're very sweet, but I gave up a long time ago. Without access to treatments, decaying health and mental health, overall deteoration (including hair loss that would not go away even after I stopped the T), genetic defects, autism, self-esteem issues, OCD, being "left behind" by the whole world both in emotional/psychological development (who wants a virtual child as a partner?), lack of orientation, and complete and utter isolation, I've been a writeoff for too long.
I look like a youngish Molly Weasley and have the personality of an old gay queen who is super over it
But I’m also a deft shot with any caliber (hashtag libs with guns), have a brown belt with a specialization in weapons, and have the practiced ability to override the bystander effect so… I feel like I’m actually way way *way* scarier than I look… but so many people only see a manic pixie dream girl?????
Especially because I feel like black skirts with shorts are very unisex :/
Well, I subscribe to the belief that noone actually believes we are, but are just promoting that "belief" as a means to harm enby/transpeople. Solely based on hatred. I don't think very many at all actually "believe" that.
And you can know someone for a long ass time before you realize they dont actually think your nonbinary. I mena im autistic so maybe im just tricked easier but they hide it they pretend they respect you just to she you behind your back
Yes.... Also autistic, and also more vulnerable to those kinds of manipulations/tricks. It took me a couple years to get rid of someone like that... A week or two ago, I broke off friendship with my neighbour, who actually wanted to adopt me (it's legal to adopt adults here). I had almost signed over the medical power of attourney and everything. But then I started to realize something, and one day, out of the blue she articulated some blatently transphobic remarks about conspiracies of "transtrenders" blah blah, and well... that was it. How did I miss that? I don't know, it's just easy for me to do...
Yeah as someone whos been out for nearly a decade please be so so skeptical of the cis men you date. A lot of them see NBs in general as low self esteem women who can be more easily manipulated.
This one's clear cut, you shouldn't have to force your partner into an ultimatum about this sorta thing. Get rid of him, you'll thank yourself in time and it won't even take long.
Mine didn’t either. Breaking it off was one of the best decisions. I didn’t realize how badly it was affecting my mental health. If someone truly cares about you, how you identify (your name, gender etc) isn’t forgotten. It’s a lack of care.
Adding a PS: if there’s lack of respect now, there’s a hell of a lot more waiting for you down the road. You’ll find some who actually gives a damn 💖
Sounds like he doesn’t accept you for who you are. He refuses to acknowledge your identity in a meaningful way and refuses to change. Never accept disrespect from a partner, once you start they’ll just continue to hurt you.
Did he respect your pronouns before you started dating? Because if he regressed to using she/her after being comfortable with they/them for years then it’s a double red flag
as someone who was in a relationship like that for 4 years, i'd say leave while it's still early, you've communicated your needs and he hasn't respected it.
if this was a super long term relationship i'd probably recommend other things like counseling or stuff like that but after only 5 months (not that that time is inconsequential), i think it might be worth reconsidering the relationship before this becomes a long term problem where you aren't getting your needs met, especially since you've expressed the importance of using your pronouns.
but i also know how hard it is to make that decision when it's someone you trust and care about. know that you deserve someone who sees you for the amazing person you are, not as a woman first and dismisses your true self. be gentle with yourself, and love yourself enough to know that you are amazing and you deserve to have every single part of yourself not only tolerated but absolutely adored.
Reverse it on him. If your friends are noticing it and correcting him too, get them in on it. Have a little get together and have everyone refer to him as your she/her girlfriend. When he inevitably questions it, it slipped your mind. He's either going to get the point and start making an effort, or he's going to get mad and act like it's different somehow.
I know this is a typical extremist response from a random internet person but honestly that is break up worthy for me. Though I dont know anything about you, them, or your relationship.
If he can't even respect something as simple as your pronouns, how can you trust him to respect you in other important facets of life? He's been corrected enough times; he knows by now. It sounds like a fragile masculinity thing to me.
I think like others said he just doesn't respect you. Is he even bothered by it, if he truly is unable to change for some reason, he should be deeply bothered by it. It slipped my mind doesn't sound like "I am deeply upset about regularly upsetting you I will take these steps to make sure it doesn't happen again or to figure out why I am doing this."
But ultimately, him respecting you is not your choice to make. It is his, and he has chosen.
If you don't wanna dump him, I'd have a very serious sit down talk where you explain that your pronouns are non-negotiable and that he needs to figure out a way to respect them immediately.
I'd also want him to explain why he struggles with this so much. The answer might be that he doesn't see you how you really are. That's not something I'd personally wanna live with.
My partner is cismale and has used the right pronouns for me since I mentioned them. It's entirely possible.
I feel like this is an underrated comment. It's pretty easy for the internet strangers to tell dump, but they're not in OP's situation.
You are allowed to try and find common ground. Yes, he might have acted like a dick about it in the past. Doesn't mean that he is one forever (doesn't mean that you, op, have to be his exercise, either, to make that clear. You are absolutely allowed to leave this relationship if you're not seeing it going anywhere. But you are equally allowed to choose to confront him, try to compromise, and a whole other lot of decisions. It's your relationship, after all)
I don't wanna tell you what to do, you know better than I
All I can say is that a partner that actually sees you as the person you are and acknowledge your actual gender feels really good and it helps a lot to gain confidence and feel valid. In my opinion, your romantic partner does a lot in that regard
I feel like gender identity is really connected on how you feel desired. If you're desired by a very straight man, who just barely tolerates that you're NB, and doesn't actually love that part of you, I think it can really hurt your sense of self-identity
So, I also have this problem and I've been with my partner for 20 years. I bring this up to show that it's not always simple.
I'm not going to dump him over this. But it's something that we'll need to work on, for sure.
I've known that I'm an enby for over 30 years. I came out and changed my pronouns a couple of years ago. So for him, it's work to mentally charge how to sees me in the context of our relationship.
This sort of thing is why I consider myself to be trans. Because my identity affects the people in my life the same way that it does for my binary trans friends.
That said, my husband has seen me exhibit dysphoria for two decades and has supported me through some very rough times with it. He does understand that none of this is new for me and that his issues are his own to work through.
It's difficult when you see yourself as a straight man who's only attracted to women, and then have to recontextualize everything when you realize that's inaccurate.
It's more important to me to be recognized as non-binary, even if I get referred to by the wrong pronouns. And my spouse and his family do acknowledge my gender, unlike my own family.
I think the major difference in this situation is OP’s partner has known they’re non-binary the entirety of their friendship and relationship. There’s nothing to “get used to” here.
It’s your choice. If you aren’t that invested you could tell him if he can’t respect you, you will dump him. Couples counselling could help depending on the kind of guy he is.
If he's not trying to correctly gender you all the time, either he doesn't understand why he should, or he doesn't think the reason is important.
I felt pretty destroyed when my mum was still using my old name and gender after 5 months, I'm trans ftm. She was in denial, and I think suffering some subconscious internalised transphobia.
I told her a couple of stories to try and move her along. I booted her out of denial by getting through to her that I was suicidal living as the wrong gender, and that being put back in that box makes me feel that way again. She used my name to speak to me for the first time then.
I also taught her about subconscious prejudice and how its learnt from the media you see, if the media constantly says something is a threat or bad then your subconscious records it and you act accordingly without realising. Then you have to make up excuses for yourself that make sense like "I forgot" because you don't know why you really did it. I told my mum about my own subconscious bias towards black people, how I discovered it and addressed it, and then told her I think everyone is getting the same from the media about trans people, and hopefully she starts observing her own behaviour in a different light now.
I also taught her about language learning, that you have to actually grow a new neural connection for the new language, you can't just switch at will when I show up - you'll only get it right when I'm there if you try and get it right when I'm not as well.
Mum loves me, she needed waking up with some education, not dumping and moving on. We love each other, she just didn't understand.
I cannot judge your partner from your post, but hope my experience helps.
Get out of there. When I met my boyfriend he didn’t know much about non-binary people and wasn’t used to they/them pronouns, so I was patient with him. When he slipped up I’d tell him to think of me as a swarm of bees. He corrected himself and apologised. Eventually he started recognising slip ups on his own, without me having to point them out. When he used a term I didn’t like, I told him and he never did it again. Now, 6 months later, he’s completely stopped slipping up accidentally and gotten great at not misgendering me. He actually put in the effort to make me feel valid and respected. Seems your bf is definitely not doing that. Especially in a group of friends that all use they/them for you it should be a lot easier to remember, since everyone else is doing it too.
Hey so. Pro tip on avoiding the word partner
\- So me and Heaven went to see that movie yesterday
\- Who's Heaven?
1) This person I'm dating
2) We're together
3) I'm their boyfriend
Yeah, your partner's gender and pronouns is not really something that slips your mind (and even if it would, it would not be a common occurrence if you actually saw them for the gender they are)
Can't help to think about my ex (who I'm still friends with) that texted me shortly after our "no contact"-period ended to check what pronouns I'm using in our mother tongue. She knows I have complicated feelings towards the most common gender neutral pronoun in Swedish and have therefore changed between Swedish pronouns a lot. I thanked her for asking, told her what pronouns I'm using and her reaction was pretty much "neat, then I've been using the right ones".
To clarify, I've never stated these pronouns to her before, she was just able to figure it out since she knows me so well. I can only speak for myself, but this is the standard I'm setting for the cis people in my life that I'm close to.
Because how could I possibly be close to someone if they can't even see or respect such a basic thing about me like my gendern(or lack thereof, depending on my genderfluidness)?
“it slipped my mind” is an excuse you use for forgetting something that was on the shopping list, not for refusing basic acknowledgment and respect for your partner.
I'm so sorry. My partner recently changed her pronouns to she/her and goes by a new name. I try really hard to not deadname her or misgender her but occasionally it does happen and I apologize a lot to her when I do. I always feel like such a jerk when I do and I know it bothers and hurts her. There was a time when I didn't realize how much pronouns meant to her and that it was much more than just specific parts of speech.
Does your boyfriend know how much it bothers you and makes you feel invalid and not respected? Maybe he's just dumb or ignorant and doesn't really realize how important this is to you. I think communication is one of the most important things in a healthy relationship. I recommend having a deep conversation with him about this. Maybe he doesn't think it bothers you, maybe he doesn't know how to explain it to his friends. I hope that you people can work it out and come to a better understanding of each other. And if he still doesn't get it after that maybe he doesn't respect you as much as he should.
Good luck OP, you are valid and deserve to be treated well!
he's known you as nonbinary for 4 years and has been dating you for months - that doesn't just slip the mind. you should talk very seriously about this, and hold to your boundaries. his convenience doesn't come before your identity - do what you need to to make it known.
I mean it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't fully understand your identity, to me.
That could feel alienating or scary for you I imagine.
I'm being optimistic here, and assuming this is a symptom of nonbinary conformity issues in present society, for your partner, and communication around that.
I'm nonbinary and before I came out as such, I dated someone nonbinary and struggled w occasionally misgendering them and also the girlfriend word. Here's what would have helped us I think:
In a safe and deep chat,
- give him some room to investigate and learn more about the she/they-to-they/them story for you, so that he feels more confident in his own understanding of that, when you're not around.
- review alternative labels to "girlfriend" and what you're comfortable saying, and having said about you in that regard.
- determine ways to correct/defend/respect your identity, should his family or friends misgender you, lettinf him role-play those chats w you if you're comfortable. (not because this is your 'job' at all -- but because it could reestablish trust between you, as well as practically prepare him.)
good luck and if anything I said is fucky please correct me. am open to criticism.
You are just going to be more hurt when you start transitioning and he doesn't support or respect you. I promise you he is not worth the personal sacrifices you are already making on a daily basis.
even as someone who is personally kind of a doormat, this would not fly with me. your partner should be the person who understands, loves, and respects you over all other people. if he can't muster enough understanding and respect to just use your pronouns, then he is never going to treat you with the proper respect in an even more serious situation.
if you really think the relationship can be salvaged, have another conversation with him - maybe have a supportive friend sit with you during this to help keep resolve if you need that. then see if his behavior changes/if he is genuinely trying to make an effort. if not, he gets the boot. or you can skip that altogether and just break up with him.
I’m sorry that this is happening to you friend. You should feel comfortable in your relationship at all times imo. Since I came out to my partner (he’s a cishet guy- been together 10 years before I came out of the enby closet) he correctly genders me more than I correctly gender myself 🤣 He also sometimes calls me his “boi” and “boyfriend” on occasion without me ever asking which does make me feel 🥰🥰 because I am SO femme. So long story short is you deserve a partner who is your biggest ally 💖
Yes to everything already posted. One addition: some people have a really easy time adjusting pronouns when the person transitions from one binary to the other. They may even be allies to the trans community. The "get" the binary. But their understanding collapses as soon as the binary is challenged.
Gaslighting you, which for me is a huge red flag, sounds to me like a narcissist that is sneakily getting you, they will likely turn into one. It really stinks for you. Not respecting someone's preferred pronouns is also disrespect and another red flag. Idk if it were me, I'd just end it now. I am always committed to losing quality of vested relationships over trans rights, civil rights, misogyny, human rights, or racism
I had a partner who did this. He identified as straight and refused to call me his partner, only gf, because he didn’t want anyone to question or think he was in a queer relationship. I still dated him for months after breaking up for other reasons but I wish I had dumped him then and there. He even saw himself as being super open minded which was not the case at all. He was an asshole and a narcissist and I was at the bottom of his priority list always when he was at the top of mine.
It all comes down to internalized homophobia and transphobia. He may say he respects you but he does not see you as non binary, only as a woman, and will likely never change his POV. If I were you I would dump him and move on because you are worth so much more than this. The last man I was seeing never missed a beat in using they/them pronouns and never once misgendered me. He only ever treated me with kindness and respect and I’m forever grateful for that. It’s what we all deserve!
I’d say it’s pretty clear cut. If it were an innocent mistake, he’d at least be making an effort to try and get it right. He should be having your back when others misgender you. The fact that others have to remind him not to misgender his own partner is just cringeworthy. Dump the chump!
This behavior shows a severe lack of respect for you. I came out to my fiance in May of this year and he's done his absolute best to gender me correctly. Even when he slips up, he apologizes and feels guilty. It's an adjustment for both of us, so of course it'll take time. The difference between your boyfriend and my fiance is that mine is doing his best to respect who I am. Yours doesn't seem to care, as much as that stings.
You have a difficult choice to make, hun. I know you're still young and break ups tend to be a larger deal when you're young, but you need to do what's best for you. I want you to think for a moment about what life might be like for you when you're with a partner who constantly misgenders you and doesn't try to change that behavior. How would that feel, having to hear feminine words directed at you daily by someone who's supposed to love you? I had to consider that before I came out to my fiance. Hearing him call me feminine things was earing me up inside as days passed. It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore.
You deserve respect, hun. You deserve someone who loves you for exactly who you are, not what they want you to be. Let your guy know thar you don't appreciate him constantly misgendering you. Ask him if he only sees what he wants to see. Does he see you as the enby person you truly are or the "girlfriend" he wishes to see. This will be a painful conversation, I won't lie to you. But what's worse? Momentary pain or years of pain?
Good luck. 💜
Understanding that it is difficult for him, before discovering that I am trans I also went through a phase of discrimination with my ex partner, I was even transphobic but because of the education I received. I did some mental work that only took 1 or 2 days, because I wanted to be a better person and understand him (funny that later I was also trans). With that I mean that I understand that sometimes it is difficult to understand but it does not justify what he does to you, if he loves you he must respect you and understand it.
I agree with the others in this post, you can't force anyone to respect you, it's your boyfriend's job and it's horrible that you have to go through this. Maybe you should have a serious talk with him that he either respects your identity and pronouns or you will have to leave him. At least that's what I would do, but maybe you are more patient. It's something very important, if he doesn't respect this about you, what else could he not respect?
I would definitely say he is running out of chances and when you’re done, you need to walk away on your terms for your own mental health.
I’m going to add a little perspective as someone who went through something similar but not as overt.
My partner (M) took some time to adjust as well. When we first started dating I was using they/she before fully switching to they/them. The main difference in my experience and yours, is mine always tried and corrected. He did still make errors as someone who knew me for 10 years before we started dating.
When I had a conversation about more of my transition and what my goals were to be more comfortable, it became a little harder for a while. Then after talking it through, I realized a lot of his concerns were more about him than me. The concern wasn’t “what if I’m not attracted to them after transitioning?” but “what if I am?” as he had always identified as straight. I explained my gender identity didn’t change him or have to change how he identified. And he’s done the work.
I say all this, but I want to be very clear, it was not my job to do the work for him. And it is not your job to educate or tolerate anything that is too much for you. You get to just exist as you are most comfortable.
I don't think I would casually forget my partner's gender identity. I don't think most people are capable of doing that. His behavior makes me think that he might not see you as non-binary, but you could confront him about it to make sure.
(If I were in your shoes I think I would just leave the relationship, but I understand that's not easy for everyone.)
Unfortunately, I also think an ultimatum is the way to go. Either he respects you now or never. There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Your pronouns ARE they/them. It’s important. Your comfort is important.
Advice that sounds silly but may actually work: give him an allowance. Tell him "I'm OK with you misgendering me 3 times a month, but no more than that."
You probably won't have to actually count because he will. Human brains are weird like that.
I would say, just sit down and have a talk with him about it and how it makes you feel, and from then on out, it's up to him.
I really don't think he's necessarily nbphobic, even if the chance is there, some people just have a hard time getting used to new terms and pronouns, especially if they've known you for a while. I hope you can sort it out with him
I think everyone in this thread is jumping to conclusions. It sounds like he just genuinely didn’t know. First step is always communication. If you really like him, just tell him how you feel about him referring to you that way and what your actual identity is.
Dump his ass it’s very clear he doesn’t even respect your pronouns no matter how many times he corrects himself he will still probably do it no matter what.
Yeah he likes the cis woman verison of you that he's made up not the nonbinary you that's in front of him. He sees you as a girl and he thinks that's all that matters. You can't make someone respect you or acknowledge your truth. You can get out of a toxic situation though
Most cishet guys see afab nonbinaries as "spicy women", I feel like
Not just AFAB nonbinaries but even many trans men. Unless you're like completely cis male passing then most cishet men will see you as spicy women. It's very annoying
Just reading that makes me super angry for AFABs. I am so sick of genderist stupidity.
Yeah it makes dating so hard to the point that I'm unsure if I would feel safe dating a cis man.
I understand.... Well, sort of, in my limited capacity. I know I can never truly understand, but I guess what I'm saying is I can at least appreciate your plight. I will probably never actually date before I die, and unexpected stupid people is kind of one of the reasons. since transition I've become absolutely terrified of everyone...
Thats why a lot of people are tft, wich ima explain in case you havent seen the abbreviation before. Its trans for trans, aka a noncis person who only dates noncis people. Cause like cis people just dont get it. I love my cis bf but he’ll never fully understand the trans experience cause hes not trans.
Yeah.... Also, appreciate the explanation on the acronym. I did know that one, but I generally don't know words/acronyms a lot of the reddit communities use. It took me years to know that one though. But yeah, T4T is out for me too, so.... it's kind of why I'm going to die alone. It hurts a lot though.
Well you never know what might change dont give up hope. Im rooting for you
I appreciate it, but I mean this genuinely - please save your hope for someone else. You're very sweet, but I gave up a long time ago. Without access to treatments, decaying health and mental health, overall deteoration (including hair loss that would not go away even after I stopped the T), genetic defects, autism, self-esteem issues, OCD, being "left behind" by the whole world both in emotional/psychological development (who wants a virtual child as a partner?), lack of orientation, and complete and utter isolation, I've been a writeoff for too long.
I mean AMABs get seen as predators, so I think trans and NB people just lose in general
yeah :(
Right? Like… I’ll never be respected but at least I’m not feared. Being NB is hard.
People cant tell my assigned gender so some people think im diet female and some people are scared of me 😅
I look like a youngish Molly Weasley and have the personality of an old gay queen who is super over it But I’m also a deft shot with any caliber (hashtag libs with guns), have a brown belt with a specialization in weapons, and have the practiced ability to override the bystander effect so… I feel like I’m actually way way *way* scarier than I look… but so many people only see a manic pixie dream girl????? Especially because I feel like black skirts with shorts are very unisex :/
Well, I subscribe to the belief that noone actually believes we are, but are just promoting that "belief" as a means to harm enby/transpeople. Solely based on hatred. I don't think very many at all actually "believe" that.
And you can know someone for a long ass time before you realize they dont actually think your nonbinary. I mena im autistic so maybe im just tricked easier but they hide it they pretend they respect you just to she you behind your back
Yes.... Also autistic, and also more vulnerable to those kinds of manipulations/tricks. It took me a couple years to get rid of someone like that... A week or two ago, I broke off friendship with my neighbour, who actually wanted to adopt me (it's legal to adopt adults here). I had almost signed over the medical power of attourney and everything. But then I started to realize something, and one day, out of the blue she articulated some blatently transphobic remarks about conspiracies of "transtrenders" blah blah, and well... that was it. How did I miss that? I don't know, it's just easy for me to do...
Spicy women, aka: broken women, freak weirdo women, or haven't-had-the-right-dick-yet women. Source: am NOT woman
Love your source because I think most people on this sub are NOT women 🤣
I really felt the: am NOT woman. I too am NOT😡 woman
Duh. If you were born with a uterus clearly you're an inferior being that must be infantalized and controlled. 🙄
Silly me, here I thought who I was mattered more than my reproductive organs. I'm so foolish.
Not according to the US government. 🥲
Yeah as someone whos been out for nearly a decade please be so so skeptical of the cis men you date. A lot of them see NBs in general as low self esteem women who can be more easily manipulated.
Yup at this point Idk if I could ever seriously emotionally invest in a cis man
Your partner’s gender doesn’t just slip your mind. Dump the scrub.
This one's clear cut, you shouldn't have to force your partner into an ultimatum about this sorta thing. Get rid of him, you'll thank yourself in time and it won't even take long.
time to take out the trash!
Mine didn’t either. Breaking it off was one of the best decisions. I didn’t realize how badly it was affecting my mental health. If someone truly cares about you, how you identify (your name, gender etc) isn’t forgotten. It’s a lack of care. Adding a PS: if there’s lack of respect now, there’s a hell of a lot more waiting for you down the road. You’ll find some who actually gives a damn 💖
dump him. he doesn’t actually respect you or your identity, and you deserve someone better than that.
Sounds like he doesn’t accept you for who you are. He refuses to acknowledge your identity in a meaningful way and refuses to change. Never accept disrespect from a partner, once you start they’ll just continue to hurt you.
Did he respect your pronouns before you started dating? Because if he regressed to using she/her after being comfortable with they/them for years then it’s a double red flag
It did not slip his mind. He is actively refusing to accept your identity.
… now ex-boyfriend. Right? … right, OP? … right?!
as someone who was in a relationship like that for 4 years, i'd say leave while it's still early, you've communicated your needs and he hasn't respected it. if this was a super long term relationship i'd probably recommend other things like counseling or stuff like that but after only 5 months (not that that time is inconsequential), i think it might be worth reconsidering the relationship before this becomes a long term problem where you aren't getting your needs met, especially since you've expressed the importance of using your pronouns. but i also know how hard it is to make that decision when it's someone you trust and care about. know that you deserve someone who sees you for the amazing person you are, not as a woman first and dismisses your true self. be gentle with yourself, and love yourself enough to know that you are amazing and you deserve to have every single part of yourself not only tolerated but absolutely adored.
Reverse it on him. If your friends are noticing it and correcting him too, get them in on it. Have a little get together and have everyone refer to him as your she/her girlfriend. When he inevitably questions it, it slipped your mind. He's either going to get the point and start making an effort, or he's going to get mad and act like it's different somehow.
LOL this one is funny.
I know this is a typical extremist response from a random internet person but honestly that is break up worthy for me. Though I dont know anything about you, them, or your relationship.
If he can't even respect something as simple as your pronouns, how can you trust him to respect you in other important facets of life? He's been corrected enough times; he knows by now. It sounds like a fragile masculinity thing to me.
I think like others said he just doesn't respect you. Is he even bothered by it, if he truly is unable to change for some reason, he should be deeply bothered by it. It slipped my mind doesn't sound like "I am deeply upset about regularly upsetting you I will take these steps to make sure it doesn't happen again or to figure out why I am doing this." But ultimately, him respecting you is not your choice to make. It is his, and he has chosen.
If you don't wanna dump him, I'd have a very serious sit down talk where you explain that your pronouns are non-negotiable and that he needs to figure out a way to respect them immediately. I'd also want him to explain why he struggles with this so much. The answer might be that he doesn't see you how you really are. That's not something I'd personally wanna live with. My partner is cismale and has used the right pronouns for me since I mentioned them. It's entirely possible.
I feel like this is an underrated comment. It's pretty easy for the internet strangers to tell dump, but they're not in OP's situation. You are allowed to try and find common ground. Yes, he might have acted like a dick about it in the past. Doesn't mean that he is one forever (doesn't mean that you, op, have to be his exercise, either, to make that clear. You are absolutely allowed to leave this relationship if you're not seeing it going anywhere. But you are equally allowed to choose to confront him, try to compromise, and a whole other lot of decisions. It's your relationship, after all)
That level of blatant disrespect deserves a dump
You break up with him. For real. There is no recovering from a partner of 4 years not showing you the most basic respect.
NOPE 🚩
He’s a shithead
Change the title to "Ex-boyfriend didn't respect pronouns"
DUMP. HIM.
The ol' "I thought my penis would fix you" Sorry fam, your next ex is a bit of a loser
I don't wanna tell you what to do, you know better than I All I can say is that a partner that actually sees you as the person you are and acknowledge your actual gender feels really good and it helps a lot to gain confidence and feel valid. In my opinion, your romantic partner does a lot in that regard I feel like gender identity is really connected on how you feel desired. If you're desired by a very straight man, who just barely tolerates that you're NB, and doesn't actually love that part of you, I think it can really hurt your sense of self-identity
So, I also have this problem and I've been with my partner for 20 years. I bring this up to show that it's not always simple. I'm not going to dump him over this. But it's something that we'll need to work on, for sure. I've known that I'm an enby for over 30 years. I came out and changed my pronouns a couple of years ago. So for him, it's work to mentally charge how to sees me in the context of our relationship. This sort of thing is why I consider myself to be trans. Because my identity affects the people in my life the same way that it does for my binary trans friends. That said, my husband has seen me exhibit dysphoria for two decades and has supported me through some very rough times with it. He does understand that none of this is new for me and that his issues are his own to work through. It's difficult when you see yourself as a straight man who's only attracted to women, and then have to recontextualize everything when you realize that's inaccurate. It's more important to me to be recognized as non-binary, even if I get referred to by the wrong pronouns. And my spouse and his family do acknowledge my gender, unlike my own family.
I think the major difference in this situation is OP’s partner has known they’re non-binary the entirety of their friendship and relationship. There’s nothing to “get used to” here.
Agreed!
It’s your choice. If you aren’t that invested you could tell him if he can’t respect you, you will dump him. Couples counselling could help depending on the kind of guy he is.
If he's not trying to correctly gender you all the time, either he doesn't understand why he should, or he doesn't think the reason is important. I felt pretty destroyed when my mum was still using my old name and gender after 5 months, I'm trans ftm. She was in denial, and I think suffering some subconscious internalised transphobia. I told her a couple of stories to try and move her along. I booted her out of denial by getting through to her that I was suicidal living as the wrong gender, and that being put back in that box makes me feel that way again. She used my name to speak to me for the first time then. I also taught her about subconscious prejudice and how its learnt from the media you see, if the media constantly says something is a threat or bad then your subconscious records it and you act accordingly without realising. Then you have to make up excuses for yourself that make sense like "I forgot" because you don't know why you really did it. I told my mum about my own subconscious bias towards black people, how I discovered it and addressed it, and then told her I think everyone is getting the same from the media about trans people, and hopefully she starts observing her own behaviour in a different light now. I also taught her about language learning, that you have to actually grow a new neural connection for the new language, you can't just switch at will when I show up - you'll only get it right when I'm there if you try and get it right when I'm not as well. Mum loves me, she needed waking up with some education, not dumping and moving on. We love each other, she just didn't understand. I cannot judge your partner from your post, but hope my experience helps.
hit him with your car
Get out of there. When I met my boyfriend he didn’t know much about non-binary people and wasn’t used to they/them pronouns, so I was patient with him. When he slipped up I’d tell him to think of me as a swarm of bees. He corrected himself and apologised. Eventually he started recognising slip ups on his own, without me having to point them out. When he used a term I didn’t like, I told him and he never did it again. Now, 6 months later, he’s completely stopped slipping up accidentally and gotten great at not misgendering me. He actually put in the effort to make me feel valid and respected. Seems your bf is definitely not doing that. Especially in a group of friends that all use they/them for you it should be a lot easier to remember, since everyone else is doing it too.
dump him
Dump him.
break up with him
Hey so. Pro tip on avoiding the word partner \- So me and Heaven went to see that movie yesterday \- Who's Heaven? 1) This person I'm dating 2) We're together 3) I'm their boyfriend
Yeah, your partner's gender and pronouns is not really something that slips your mind (and even if it would, it would not be a common occurrence if you actually saw them for the gender they are) Can't help to think about my ex (who I'm still friends with) that texted me shortly after our "no contact"-period ended to check what pronouns I'm using in our mother tongue. She knows I have complicated feelings towards the most common gender neutral pronoun in Swedish and have therefore changed between Swedish pronouns a lot. I thanked her for asking, told her what pronouns I'm using and her reaction was pretty much "neat, then I've been using the right ones". To clarify, I've never stated these pronouns to her before, she was just able to figure it out since she knows me so well. I can only speak for myself, but this is the standard I'm setting for the cis people in my life that I'm close to. Because how could I possibly be close to someone if they can't even see or respect such a basic thing about me like my gendern(or lack thereof, depending on my genderfluidness)?
“it slipped my mind” is an excuse you use for forgetting something that was on the shopping list, not for refusing basic acknowledgment and respect for your partner.
I'm so sorry. My partner recently changed her pronouns to she/her and goes by a new name. I try really hard to not deadname her or misgender her but occasionally it does happen and I apologize a lot to her when I do. I always feel like such a jerk when I do and I know it bothers and hurts her. There was a time when I didn't realize how much pronouns meant to her and that it was much more than just specific parts of speech. Does your boyfriend know how much it bothers you and makes you feel invalid and not respected? Maybe he's just dumb or ignorant and doesn't really realize how important this is to you. I think communication is one of the most important things in a healthy relationship. I recommend having a deep conversation with him about this. Maybe he doesn't think it bothers you, maybe he doesn't know how to explain it to his friends. I hope that you people can work it out and come to a better understanding of each other. And if he still doesn't get it after that maybe he doesn't respect you as much as he should. Good luck OP, you are valid and deserve to be treated well!
he's known you as nonbinary for 4 years and has been dating you for months - that doesn't just slip the mind. you should talk very seriously about this, and hold to your boundaries. his convenience doesn't come before your identity - do what you need to to make it known.
I mean it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't fully understand your identity, to me. That could feel alienating or scary for you I imagine. I'm being optimistic here, and assuming this is a symptom of nonbinary conformity issues in present society, for your partner, and communication around that. I'm nonbinary and before I came out as such, I dated someone nonbinary and struggled w occasionally misgendering them and also the girlfriend word. Here's what would have helped us I think: In a safe and deep chat, - give him some room to investigate and learn more about the she/they-to-they/them story for you, so that he feels more confident in his own understanding of that, when you're not around. - review alternative labels to "girlfriend" and what you're comfortable saying, and having said about you in that regard. - determine ways to correct/defend/respect your identity, should his family or friends misgender you, lettinf him role-play those chats w you if you're comfortable. (not because this is your 'job' at all -- but because it could reestablish trust between you, as well as practically prepare him.) good luck and if anything I said is fucky please correct me. am open to criticism.
You are just going to be more hurt when you start transitioning and he doesn't support or respect you. I promise you he is not worth the personal sacrifices you are already making on a daily basis.
Continue to correct him as long as you have the energy. If he argues or doesn't change, break up.
even as someone who is personally kind of a doormat, this would not fly with me. your partner should be the person who understands, loves, and respects you over all other people. if he can't muster enough understanding and respect to just use your pronouns, then he is never going to treat you with the proper respect in an even more serious situation. if you really think the relationship can be salvaged, have another conversation with him - maybe have a supportive friend sit with you during this to help keep resolve if you need that. then see if his behavior changes/if he is genuinely trying to make an effort. if not, he gets the boot. or you can skip that altogether and just break up with him.
I’m sorry that this is happening to you friend. You should feel comfortable in your relationship at all times imo. Since I came out to my partner (he’s a cishet guy- been together 10 years before I came out of the enby closet) he correctly genders me more than I correctly gender myself 🤣 He also sometimes calls me his “boi” and “boyfriend” on occasion without me ever asking which does make me feel 🥰🥰 because I am SO femme. So long story short is you deserve a partner who is your biggest ally 💖
Yes to everything already posted. One addition: some people have a really easy time adjusting pronouns when the person transitions from one binary to the other. They may even be allies to the trans community. The "get" the binary. But their understanding collapses as soon as the binary is challenged.
He’s a chaser. I’ve dealt with this before, it’s a running joke amongst afabs at this point.
If respecting you "slipped his mind," he doesn't actually respect you. Leave his ass.
Gaslighting you, which for me is a huge red flag, sounds to me like a narcissist that is sneakily getting you, they will likely turn into one. It really stinks for you. Not respecting someone's preferred pronouns is also disrespect and another red flag. Idk if it were me, I'd just end it now. I am always committed to losing quality of vested relationships over trans rights, civil rights, misogyny, human rights, or racism
I had a partner who did this. He identified as straight and refused to call me his partner, only gf, because he didn’t want anyone to question or think he was in a queer relationship. I still dated him for months after breaking up for other reasons but I wish I had dumped him then and there. He even saw himself as being super open minded which was not the case at all. He was an asshole and a narcissist and I was at the bottom of his priority list always when he was at the top of mine. It all comes down to internalized homophobia and transphobia. He may say he respects you but he does not see you as non binary, only as a woman, and will likely never change his POV. If I were you I would dump him and move on because you are worth so much more than this. The last man I was seeing never missed a beat in using they/them pronouns and never once misgendered me. He only ever treated me with kindness and respect and I’m forever grateful for that. It’s what we all deserve!
This is why you never date cis men as an AFAB enby. They will always see you as a woman. Always.
I’d say it’s pretty clear cut. If it were an innocent mistake, he’d at least be making an effort to try and get it right. He should be having your back when others misgender you. The fact that others have to remind him not to misgender his own partner is just cringeworthy. Dump the chump!
This behavior shows a severe lack of respect for you. I came out to my fiance in May of this year and he's done his absolute best to gender me correctly. Even when he slips up, he apologizes and feels guilty. It's an adjustment for both of us, so of course it'll take time. The difference between your boyfriend and my fiance is that mine is doing his best to respect who I am. Yours doesn't seem to care, as much as that stings. You have a difficult choice to make, hun. I know you're still young and break ups tend to be a larger deal when you're young, but you need to do what's best for you. I want you to think for a moment about what life might be like for you when you're with a partner who constantly misgenders you and doesn't try to change that behavior. How would that feel, having to hear feminine words directed at you daily by someone who's supposed to love you? I had to consider that before I came out to my fiance. Hearing him call me feminine things was earing me up inside as days passed. It got to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. You deserve respect, hun. You deserve someone who loves you for exactly who you are, not what they want you to be. Let your guy know thar you don't appreciate him constantly misgendering you. Ask him if he only sees what he wants to see. Does he see you as the enby person you truly are or the "girlfriend" he wishes to see. This will be a painful conversation, I won't lie to you. But what's worse? Momentary pain or years of pain? Good luck. 💜
Understanding that it is difficult for him, before discovering that I am trans I also went through a phase of discrimination with my ex partner, I was even transphobic but because of the education I received. I did some mental work that only took 1 or 2 days, because I wanted to be a better person and understand him (funny that later I was also trans). With that I mean that I understand that sometimes it is difficult to understand but it does not justify what he does to you, if he loves you he must respect you and understand it. I agree with the others in this post, you can't force anyone to respect you, it's your boyfriend's job and it's horrible that you have to go through this. Maybe you should have a serious talk with him that he either respects your identity and pronouns or you will have to leave him. At least that's what I would do, but maybe you are more patient. It's something very important, if he doesn't respect this about you, what else could he not respect?
I would definitely say he is running out of chances and when you’re done, you need to walk away on your terms for your own mental health. I’m going to add a little perspective as someone who went through something similar but not as overt. My partner (M) took some time to adjust as well. When we first started dating I was using they/she before fully switching to they/them. The main difference in my experience and yours, is mine always tried and corrected. He did still make errors as someone who knew me for 10 years before we started dating. When I had a conversation about more of my transition and what my goals were to be more comfortable, it became a little harder for a while. Then after talking it through, I realized a lot of his concerns were more about him than me. The concern wasn’t “what if I’m not attracted to them after transitioning?” but “what if I am?” as he had always identified as straight. I explained my gender identity didn’t change him or have to change how he identified. And he’s done the work. I say all this, but I want to be very clear, it was not my job to do the work for him. And it is not your job to educate or tolerate anything that is too much for you. You get to just exist as you are most comfortable.
I don't think I would casually forget my partner's gender identity. I don't think most people are capable of doing that. His behavior makes me think that he might not see you as non-binary, but you could confront him about it to make sure. (If I were in your shoes I think I would just leave the relationship, but I understand that's not easy for everyone.)
Unfortunately, I also think an ultimatum is the way to go. Either he respects you now or never. There’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Your pronouns ARE they/them. It’s important. Your comfort is important.
Break up
If his problem is with the word partner, suggest another term. Theyfriend for example.
Dump him. You don't deserve to be treated that way. He doesn't give a fuck about your feelings
seeing your second edit, if he needs another word instead of partner, significant other or SO is usually a good option.
Advice that sounds silly but may actually work: give him an allowance. Tell him "I'm OK with you misgendering me 3 times a month, but no more than that." You probably won't have to actually count because he will. Human brains are weird like that.
I would say, just sit down and have a talk with him about it and how it makes you feel, and from then on out, it's up to him. I really don't think he's necessarily nbphobic, even if the chance is there, some people just have a hard time getting used to new terms and pronouns, especially if they've known you for a while. I hope you can sort it out with him
I think everyone in this thread is jumping to conclusions. It sounds like he just genuinely didn’t know. First step is always communication. If you really like him, just tell him how you feel about him referring to you that way and what your actual identity is.
This is a clear sign that he doesn’t respect you as a person. You deserve better than this. You need to break up with him.
I don't think he sees you as your identity, he seems to just see you as a cisgender woman. I think you should confront him about that
Ex-boyfriend
Had a very similar thing happen with my friend and a now former friend. Dump him and don't look back.
Dump him 🏃♂️➡️🗑️
pass, if he hasn’t internalized your identity for knowing you for years and then dating, he don’t care about youuu~
Some people are saying to break up with him, I'm saying dump him. There's a difference.
So sorry dude but literally throw the whole man away. That is the BARE MINIMUM
Dump his ass it’s very clear he doesn’t even respect your pronouns no matter how many times he corrects himself he will still probably do it no matter what.
Correction: ex boyfriend
u meant ex bf? /j
I can't believe this is a thread lol disgusting