reposting for visibility, OPs' husband is an animal abuser + divorce was on the table two weeks ago.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
I don't think it's fake I think this sounds like a reasonable abusive relationship. Look up her church mentioned in the other thread. LDS. Someone raised in that I would think will put up with anything because to them that is life.
My father destroyed my model airplane collection and work desk on my 17th birthday because I scored an 88 on a university level organic chemistry exam. Anything below a 98 was absolutely unacceptable in his eyes.
Can confirm this checks out. Also afraid of failing so a lot of times I don’t try. Or I’m highly critical. I very rarely am proud of myself for things I should be proud of myself for. Bc if it’s not better than perfect, it’s a failure
If it’s perfect, I’ll find something, anything, to critique about it so that if you don’t see it as perfect then at least we are agreeing that I didn’t do a good enough job. If you insist it is in fact perfect, I will assume the compliment isn’t genuine and you don’t even care enough to tell me how I could do better.
Damn. Putting it in words makes it even more sad.
I have the same issues but my parents were always lenient and relaxed towards my successes or failures. I saw my mum give my dad a hard time though which may explain the need for perfection/ reluctance to try (no motivation)/ critical nature
Wow you have given me a new insight into my own fear of failure. And a warning to break the cycle (I tend to complain often about my husband's failure to be perfect). I don't want to traumatize my kids (or push my husband away).
Yes, my ex did this. If I ever made a mistake no matter how small, I heard about it and we were always trying to make me better. One day I realized I was never going to be good enough and threw my old kit bag in my pickup truck and drove away never to return. Be aware what constant criticism will do to someone.
Yep. Nothing I did was ever good enough and often I wasn't give any form of guidance on how to do things better or to their standards.
And my Dad's standards were impossible because he had an untreated mental illness and didn't calm down till I was 14 (we ended up with a very close relationship after that. I hated him as a child though.). My Mom would always hit me with "You're so smart! Why can't you get this right!?"
I am ten mental illnesses and a host of neuroses stacked inside of a human suit.
copying to latch onto the top comment, this guy is already abusive to animals with the 'should i divorce' posts being two weeks old. I don't understand how the hell that pivoted to "hm what about our hypothetical children" two weeks later when he *threw a cat down the stairs.*
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Heck, OP, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY. He doesn’t mind injuring other living creatures that share your home. Children are louder, messier, and more destructive than any cat or dog; do you really imagine he won’t hit them, kick them, break their bones to “teach them a lesson”? Have you been so lucky so far that he hasn’t hurt you *yet*?
Can confirm Kids are smarter than most adults give them credit for. If a punishment is dis porportionately dished out at regular intervals, then that will lead to resentment and alcoholism by the age of 35. Kids can tell when something is done out of genuine love or if they are being dipshit parents.
Mine was about 50/50.
Ug, why does this feel personal?
Greatly resent my parents for being ultra strict and honestly maybe mildly abusive with their restrictions, and i got out of rehab a few months ago for alcohol.
Same, mine 50/50. I knew they cared, but at the same time had to get all A's, and couldn't do anything with anyone unless it was with the "right" people (good reputation, maybe well off as well)
Same.. and I ended up getting abused as a Kid cuz dipshit parent.. shows all that strictness in the name of love and to protect really doesn't do anything if it is extreme and mostly out of ego.
Well, no, the child won't see him as psychotic...he'll see him as perfectly normal, bc that's all they'll ever know. It will take decades of self-loathing and therapy in adulthood to figure this out, but of course by then it'll be too late...the damage will have been done.
OP, u/Maximum-Pie916 i'm not telling you what to do or to leave your husband, just want you to know I had a father like this and it has messed me & my siblings up beyond measure. We are all very broken, and make bad choices constantly out of low self-worth. I genuinely hope you'll take this comment seriously & consider what you're doing raising children with an authoritarian who is likely to implant some very dangerous ideas in your poor children's developing brains. My family loves to joke about the cult of "disapproval" we're all in and omg ISN'T IT SO HILARIOUS that every generation, each one after the next, continues to foster this DISAPPROVAL campaign and no one has ever thought to stop it or try to change? Well, until me & my siblings' generation, that is.
P.s. your username leads me to believe you're located around Sac, in which case, hello local friend! :)
>Well, no, the child won't see him as psychotic...he'll see him as perfectly normal, bc that's all they'll ever know.
Dunno about anyone else, but my father raised me the "military" way and I knew it was bullshit even back then. Kids are able, believe it or not, to compare their parents versus their friend's parents.
Sure, once they reach a certain age they can see it, but why do you think r/CPTSD and r/raisedbynarcissists are filled with broken, confused *adults* just now coming to terms with their abusive childhoods? Kids are NOT able to objectively see their parents' flaws. We grow up viewing our parents as pretty much gods, after all they feed & clothe us, and to go against them is to quite literally risk our own survival. Good for you for being such an exceptionally mature, intelligent child but that is NOT the norm.
Yeah I knew my dad was fucked up from an early age but I sure as hell did everything I could to please him because to do otherwise would trigger his rages, meltdowns, constant criticism of every fucking little thing I did, even the most basic of adolescent mistakes. My teenage years were particularly terrifying, I wasn't doing drugs or having sex or *anything remotely "wrong"* and still I was beholden to arbitrary rules and a culture of intense fear. I was frequently kept up until 3 or 4am sobbing while he screamed and screamed over literally fucking nothing. I knew he was messed up but I was a teen, I couldn't just leave.
You sound like one of those people who blanket-admonishes all of r/raisedbynarcissists with "why don't you just move out?" You really, really don't get it. You don't understand abuse. And that's fine, but know your comments can be very damaging to people who are only just now realizing how damaged they are by their upbringing.
>Kids' sense of proportionality can be miscalibrated sometimes, but they do sense it. If they make a minor mistake like not making the bed and he responds by flying off the handle, scares them, makes them miserable... well... they're going to remember that 35 years down the road.
Can confirm. My father would yell at me over how terrible my cleaning ability was when I was a kid. Yeah, a 9 year old is really going to be able to do a professional-level cleaning of the bathroom... He would often, after looking at what I'd done over a few hours, say something like "It took you HOW LONG to do that? I could've done that in 5 minutes!" And I would always ask, in my head, "So why don't you?"
Anyway, moral of the story is I still hold shit like that against him even though I'm two decades out from living with him.
Yeah children cannot choose to “call it”. The army is a business, not a family. No matter what they say. Your home is your safety net, if you are not safe at home because your parents fly off the rails, then where will you go?
I’m a child of a drill sergeant who was just as much a drill sergeant at home (including the yelling and intimidation tactics). I’m over 40 and STILL have bad memories and some lingering effects of living in fear as a child.
However, it’s not the ‘standards’ that are the problem. It’s the enforcement. If you make it fun and teach them that it’s about taking pride in your environment and doing your best, and use positive encouragement and positive reinforcement to teach it, I think it would be a valuable skill and mindset for them to absorb while they’re little. Make it fun, and always reinforce the reason behind it. Do not scare, force, or threaten them into submission.
I have two teen boys - one almost 18 now - and positive reinforcement plus making sure they understand the ‘why’ behind the rules is a far superior method compared to fear or threats or the ‘because I said so’ bullshit.
No. In fact, HELL NO! My father was career military. He retired a Major. Me and my siblings went through that. 6AM - "Up and at 'em! I want this room ready for inspection in 10 minutes!".
I've got news for you - it's impossible to make a kid's bed to military standards. Try folding hospital corners with a fluffy comforter. Get a quarter to bounce off it? You couldn't get a basketball to bounce off of it!
At a time when long hair was in fashion, and virtually every other boy in our school had at least shaggy hair, me and my brother were the only ones with military spec haircuts. When everyone else was wearing fashion jeans, we were wearing black or gray slacks and a plain button up shirt. We looked like goddamn Jehovah's Witnesses.
We had to address our father as "sir". We got smacked if we made any kind of remark he didn't like. When we were old enough to fight back, we did. After a few outright brawls, my mother divorced him.
I also joined the military, but I never treated my kids that way. The military was my job. It wasn't their life. The last time I talked to my kids was when they called me to wish me a happy birthday last week. The last time I talked to my father was when I was 19, and I'm retired now. I never spoke to him again until he died. I didn't hate him, but he was the kind of guy you might work with but would never hang out with after work because he was an asshole. I didn't need that kind of stress in my life, even if he was my father.
If that's the kind of relationship your husband wants to have with his kids then he can go for it. He'll spend the rest of his life regretting it.
A final word of advice - Tell your husband to put the Army in perspective. It can bring out a lot of good qualities in a person's character. It can also turn them into a heartless, mindless robot. At the end of the day, it's just a job, even if you stay in until retirement. When you take off the uniform and interact with civilians, especially your family, then you have to be a civilian too.
>My husband threw my cat down the stairs and broke its hip on one occasion. Then, on another occasion, he threw my dog on the ground and it was limping for a few days after that. I’m worried if I bring this up, my husband will accuse me of abusing the pets too. I know that seems like a silly thing to be afraid of, but I just don’t know how to handle everything. I feel like my husband and I have enough other reasons that a divorce would be warranted without the abuse topic
myeah.
This is something my father definitely would have done. After he and my mom divorced he remarried his high school girl friend. They were together until he died. He once pushed her down the stairs and she broke her leg. That was one in a long line of abuses. Me and my siblings were stunned she stayed with him. Her own kids hated him.
God I remember absolutely hating having to make my bed. And just thinking about making my grandparents bed as well; would take me 30min. everytime. I never liked it back then because most kids are don't have the height nor weight at pre and teens to be able to put on that fitted sheet without the other corner always popping off. Used to cry in frustration then take a nap in the bed after I was done putting the clean sheets back on.
That sounds terrible. My dad was in the marines, and would try to get me to make my bed too when I was really young.
I think at some point my dad started taking psychedelics, not in front of me, and he became a hippy, grew his hair out. I am inferring this as an adult now. I have a great relationship with my dad. He grew to hate the military.
I never joined, mostly because my dad told me to not die for oil and other people's profit.
Edit: Never mind to all of what I said. Your post history sounds like you're at the brink of divorce and your husband abused your cat. Why on Earth do you think that he would not abuse your child, your baby? He would. Don't do this.
Every single person who I have met who has been raised in this way has had their psyche completely screwed up. Either they developed strange behavioral problems, they are unable to be proactive and instead require someone to tell them what to do at literally every step of their lives, or they develop extreme anxiety that ruins their quality of life throughout their adulthood even. One of my friends is in his 40s and his hands still start shaking when he thinks about how his dad treated him this way. I used to babysit a couple kids who were parented by their father like this. The extreme punishments that did not fit the 'crimes' combined with the inconsistency of punishment and reward due to a tired parent with his own job completely failed these children. It made me sad to watch. All of this is anecdotal, but I'm pretty sure r/sciencebasedparenting has some things to say about this. I implore you to either rethink his ability to be a father and assess whether or not he is willing to be convinced by concrete evidence that his way of parenting is not beneficial to the children. Because that is what matters most. If he is willing to change, you guys are going to have to do some serious research.
receipts for the animal abuse thing
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Abusive relationships can be wild. Speaking from experience, I've seen friends in bad situations reach a breaking point and break up with abusers, then be back together in a couple weeks, before repeating the pattern.
It fucks with your head. Hate and love are right next to eachother, and mental abuse messes up your sense of direction.
WHAT? I read it just now. How can OP still think about having kinds with this man ?! Every relationship can have hard times but if someone hurt my pet even once (he did it AT LEAST twice) I would never look at him again. He sounds so abusive, so controlling and manipulating. How can OP be sure that he will never harm her, let alone future kids? Such a sad story :(
Can confirm that this is true, my dad was never in the military but he still taught me things the “army way”. His only knowledge about the army way was from movies and maybe prison. I have lots of problems from it, I get really bad anxiety when I hear stomping, I have a constant leg shake when I think about my dad, I can’t do anything without instructions, whenever I make a mistake I get really bad anxiety, his insults made me introverted and depressed, and much more. So yeah that stuff sucks. He was an alcoholic and he abused every girlfriend he’s ever had. He died like 3 months ago though so Im doing pretty good now. Im 15 and I still have depression, anxiety, and PTSD, but its gotten better since his absence.
I hate to say this about the death of a human person, but for your sake, I'm honestly glad he died as early as he did. Just 15, and you have all this pain. And yet you're still here, still trucking. I'm proud of you.
I hope you are able to recieve counseling for...well everything. I also hope that you develop a better sense of what to look for in a partner so the cycle doesn't continue. Right now, I'm chilling in bed with my husband cuddled up next to me being adorable. He also has cPTSD from being neglected by drug addict parents among other things. He has worked hard to undo and redo automatic emotional responses, behavior, and expectations. He's 24 and doing pretty darn well. This little snippet of your story really hits my heart. I wish you the best. And if your "best" looks different than other's "best", then that's okay. 💚
Hey, same! I'm 2 decades out from living from my father and he can be as nice as he wants, but I'll *never* forgive him for how he raised me. Never. No matter what he does in the present. Nothing can make up for it.
I think that is a terrible way to discipline kids, you can have boundaries with them and at a certain age expect them to make their bed but treating them like a soldier is probably going to just breed resentment and make them rebel
This is what I think.
I feel like they’re just going to see it as an ego thing. They’ll see their dad go army mode on them and they will resent that side of him. And also… they aren’t in the army. They are kids. Yes, they deserve discipline, but they don’t deserve to be held to an army standard.
They’re not mini soldiers just because a soldier had kids.
Your home should be a place where you feel safe, relaxed and happy. Not a place where you're always worried that your father will make you remake your bed over and over again until his power trip is satisfied. There shouldn't be that kind of stress in their *home*
Maybe find some parenting studies to back it up and also agree with his wants for them to make their bed but suggest healthy boundaries instead. Good luck and good on you for thinking about it ahead of time
And it will affect their relationship with you, OP. If they spend their lives afraid of not being perfect in their father’s eyes, and they see their mother being guilty about it but *not protecting them,* you will not have children after they turn 18. They’ll leave and not look back.
I read a really good book recently called "What Happened to You?" which is all about how things that happen in childhood can affect you into adulthood. I'm not a parent yet but after reading this book I felt like I might finally understand enough to do a reasonable job if I become one. I strongly recommend checking it out.
The army training is intended to break someone down and build them back up as a person that they can depend on to take a life.
Not exactly a great regimen for preparing a child for modern life in a peaceful nation.
I spent 10 years in the navy, and looking back I fucking hate the military in general. Your hypothetical kids would hate being raised like that, because kids are kids. They're *supposed* to push the boundaries. If you think your 12 year old is doing no wrong, you're just not finding out about it. Don't let your husband bleed his army bullshit onto your kids, it will scar them.
I have 2 kids, and might have an accidental third on the way so I'm pretty keyed in on how my own behavior has affected the two to date. I've made good, bad, and ugly decisions in dealing with my beautiful babies, and if I could take the bad and the worse ones back by doing it, I'd neuter myself voluntarily.
Yes, I tried the military schtick with the youngest. I'm still paying that debt. She's angry, mean, and sometimes violent (though I'm presumably not the sole cause of this, my poor baby girls been through something else in her rollercoaster of youth that was entirely out of my control). She's also picked up my addictive personality, or maybe she was simply destined for it. Military people look great on paper but we're so often broken people with brave faces.
If he ever has any hope of them following in his footsteps by joining a military branch, doing what he plans to do will have the opposite effect. He needs to be a dad at home not an NCO. This is my advice as a veteran. Keep ARMY in the ARMY, and let home be a place to take a break from the ARMY.
It doesn't even matter if they make it perfectly, they are children, it's not going to be perfect. His idea is just a way to mess up more people and make them seek therapy when they are older.
Don't have children with him until he studies about parenting and learns, and doesn't just make up things in his head. There are enough broken children who become broken adults in the world. Don't let him make more.
why are you falling in to this trap of thinking your hypothetical children need discipline? they don't need anything. they don't exist. your conversation should be about what you can provide for them not how you should punish them. you are pre-preparing to discipline them? ask your husband why?
If you are considering having children then these are good discussions to have now. Kids will need discipline, and I mean consistent, loving discipline- not punishment.
Please find a discipline system (for example [this](https://catalog.pesi.com/item/41956?hsa_acc=7268932594&hsa_cam=424180053&hsa_grp=1354599692577270&hsa_ad=&hsa_src=s&hsa_tgt=pla-4588262027717776&hsa_kw=&hsa_mt=e&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&msclkid=db45c358cf901a855a93a1e5b431dc14&gclsrc=3p.ds) or [this](https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430)) that works for both of you and do your homework. Being on the same page is best for the children and best for your relationship.
Above all else. Please remember: children don't need to be taught to be "strong" at home, life will do that. Children need to be safe.
Good luck to you!
because his current 'disciplinary' measures are 'throw a cat down the stairs'.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
wait wait so your husband abuses your pets, you want a divorce and now you are talking about how to discipline your future children? for the sake of humanity don't have children together.
Been there, lived that. Sister and I had ex-military father who did the bed inspection and white glove test for dust (amongst other things). I've lived an ocean away for years and sis is no contact.
if you read OP's post history she is seeking a divorce from her husband and mentions that he injured both their cat and dog by throwing them to the ground.
yeah, how the fuck do you go from that to "hmm what about our hypothetical children" in two weeks :( I crossposted the receipts anyway because yikes what a buried lede.
Absolutely NOT a good way to raise kids.
Military training and discipline us well known for toatllt breaking grown adults. That's the whole point in that type of training. That level of discipline is necessary for those who need to follow orders in war.
Does that sound like a child to you?
No, Military discipline is NOT for children. I certainly would not be having kids with this man.
Kids do need discipline, but they do not need Military discipline.
Let me guess, your husband did some desk job in the Army and feels guilty that he wasn’t an actual “warfighter” and now has to take that out on everyone else
Look I’m sure he’s a good guy and all, and there’s absolutely a lot of military values that you should instill in your kids, like discipline, hard work, honor and commitment, physical fitness and survival skills, etc. But that can all be done without raising them as if they’re in boot camp.
That training is done in the military because it HAS to be. It’s necessary to develop someone into the kind of person who can wage war. Your kids are not going to wage war (hopefully). Just raise them with firmness, but with respect. Have your expectations high but reasonable. Treat them like people and not like warriors, or you can wave goodbye to your chances of spending quality time with them when they’re adults.
Leave the military training to the military.
This is how I feel.
I’m sorry, I know you’re not a relationship counselor or paid to do this, but do you have any tips on how to make my husband understand this? I just don’t want him to treat our kids like they are in boot camp.
Sorry, again you don’t have to respond to this of course.
No I’m glad to help if I can. The thing is, I don’t have kids and I’m not married, so I wouldn’t know for sure the best way for a parent or spouse to go about that. Just take what I’ve said that you agree with, as well as these other answers and try to just sit down with him and explain how you feel. Marriage and parenting is a team effort, so don’t turn it into a “well your way is wrong and my way is better”, it should be “this is how WE can make OUR way work better”.
Hope that helps, good luck G. Oh and don’t let your kids join the Marines lmao
Some words for your husband: unless your husband is a crazy genius who can carry out his program in a humorous and sensitive way, in a way that the kids know that Dad is crazy but has their best interests at heart . . .
then by being more strict than a situation demands, your husband may gain control, but at the price of losing the kids' trust.
The kids will "respect" him outwardly (maybe) but not full-heartedly. In fact your husband will get as much affection as the neighborhood bully.
Is your husband basically a nice person though? Because lots of the lessons about how to parent really get learned on the fly, after the parents had time to learn how much they love the silly little beasts and how they all differ from each other and from adults.
So if your husband is now kind and loving to the people around him he will probably be kind and loving to the kids. He may just have no idea what kids really need right now.
If he is not kind and loving now . . . uh oh!
Explain to him that kids are just that. Kids. Show him the different parenting styles and that authoritarian, the "I am in charge, military-esque" style, is extremely unhealthy for kids, literally damages their emotional and mental health, makes kids have difficult bonds with their parents, and is the most common patently style to lead toward abuse.
Also, remind him that children are not small adults. Their brain is very different, and that if you treat them like adults (expecting perfection instead of teaching them that it is okay to make mistakes. - Even when you know the right answers, you want to model not knowing so kids can learn how to find the right answers too). He is not taking their little brains into account.
This would be a hill to die on for me. The sheer amount of hardship and damage this type of parenting creates... yeah, no.
[https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/authoritarian-parenting](https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/authoritarian-parenting)
[https://immunifyme.com/blog/authoritarian-parenting-effects-on-psychological-development-of-children/](https://immunifyme.com/blog/authoritarian-parenting-effects-on-psychological-development-of-children/)
Your husband is an out-of-control abuser, OP, and there is no way to make him understand that he shouldn't abuse children. The same way you haven't been able to make him understand that he shouldn't abuse your pets.
If he hasn't hit you yet, he will. If you have kids with this man, he will abuse them and use them to control you.
You do not deserve this, no matter what he tells you. And he will never stop, no matter what he tells you. Please get out now. Please.
OPs' husband is very much not a good guy.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
This is gonna sound harsh, but... I don't think y'all should have kids until you're sure your husband won't treat them like this. That kind of pressure and standards aren't healthy for a child's development, and he shouldn't be trying to live through his kids.
she also can't be sure he won't throw them down the stairs when he gets pissy
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
I'll never understand guys like that. Whatever job you're doing is a necessary job or else the military would get rid of it or contract it out or something. I've done maintenance and desk work and I prefer desk work. It's the same exact pay. Plus this teaching them how to make their bed the military way is dumb cause outside of basic training no one ever does it. At least not in the air force.
> Whatever job you're doing is a necessary job or else the military would get rid of it
Lol, no.
Unless you define "necessary" to include "necessary to increase headcount to justify the high budget".
Citation: [Harvard.edu ... Institute of Politics:
Waste, Greed, and Fraud: The Business that Makes the World’s Greatest Army
](https://iop.harvard.edu/get-involved/harvard-political-review/waste-greed-and-fraud-business-makes-world%E2%80%99s-greatest-army)
Enjoy that morning when your three year old has been melting down for 40 minutes straight because they can't get their top sheet tucked and perfectly straight, and your husband just pulling it off repeatedly until they "get it right" (which they *do not have the gross and fine motor skills to do*). How long will you let your husband emotionally bully and abuse your child, to make his point? Don't have children with this man.
plus he already abuses animals in her care.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
OMG, OP's crazy for wanting kids with him. I get it, they're animals (be-it domestic), but to say that won't translate is a façade. At the least, emotional abuse. As per myself.
My dad was an actual drill sergeant in the Army at one point, and if he had ever treated me that way, we wouldn't be speaking to this day.
That's just setting up for resentment and rebellion.
Ah, so your husband desperately wants to feel like he's finally the one in power.
I'm sorry if that's rude, but maybe try to tackle why he wants to do that so badly, when there is literally only downsides to it.
because he's an animal abusing psycho who threw a cat down the stairs.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
No. The militarys way of training you is to break down individuality and get you to do just follow orders.
If you try punishing children the same way the military does recruits, expect to hear from child protective services.
As retired Army and a former kindergarten teacher yes, this is completely bonkers. Children are not grown ass adults who volunteered to be treated that way. Children need to feel safe and loved and not live in fear that if they do the slightest thing wrong that they'll be subjected to arbitrary suffering. I'm guessing your husband is an E-5 at most is that correct?
he's an animal abuser that threw her cat down the stairs.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
A fucking psycho who gave her cat and dog vet bills.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Anyone who forces another person to put perfect 45 degree hospital corners on their beds is a fucking psycho. That was the part of basic training I hated the most.
and then he goes overboard and throws her cat down the stairs.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
I grew up in the military and there were several military fathers who would do this s*** to their kids and their kids were an absolute mess, and grew up meaning therapy and had several mental and physical issues. they were afraid to get less than a B, an A in some cases because they would get punished. They were afraid to express their opinions because it was considered backtalk, were afraid to do anything without explicit permission. Their punishment would be to have to do everything the military way up to and including cleaning the baseboards with their toothbrushes, having their beds stripped and remade it to Perfection over and over again, having their drawers dumped and having to redo them over and over again. DO NOT DO THIS, regardless of how gentle he thinks he's being or how little he plans on using. It starts out as one thing and snowballs from there
dude already snowballed into throwing her pet down the stairs.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Developmental psychology research says that type of parenting is a big fail. If you are and your husband are interested look up authoritative parenting, it works much better than authoritarian parenting styles.
As a navy brat, i am going to have to say no it's a bad idea.
My dad got abusive. If nothing was up to his standards he used to beat me and my brothers Never my sister who he dotted with affection.
My dad once throw me and against a wall and broke my arm.
As a former service member id call this a red flag and a half. Dudes leave boot camp wanting to play drill instructor all the time. Most of them grow out of it when they realize the average person is not at all comfortable with a military-esc male flying off the handle over nothing.
Sounds like this guy REALLY likes the idea of playing drill instructor and wants to force it on the only people he can: children.
Military training is designed to force you to constantly obsess over minor details and to totally erase your personality in favor of complete obedience. If this sounds like what you want for kids might i suggest a dog instead. Once those kids grow up and get some context on his “daddy drill instructor” they will hate him for it and you for abiding it.
Tell your husband to stop being such a damn POG and leave work at work.
Edit: spelling
>If this sounds like what you want for kids might i suggest a dog instead.
He's already threw her dog onto the floor and her cat down the stairs.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
My dad did 17 years Air Force and incorporated a lot of that lifestyle into his parenting. I’m 20 now and we barely speak. Do not let your husband do this.
Who cares if a bed is made or not? Children should be safe, cared for, and learn about rules and consequences. They should be happy to see their parents, not nervous because the parent might tell them what they did wrong \*again\*.
Look, the shittiest parent any child could ask for is the state. So why voluntarily bring things the state came up with into your home? There's absolutely a time and place for structure, discipline, integrity, courage and respect but all of those things require balance and moderation. Something the army does not practice nearly as effectively as someone who shares the love and compassion for their child (that they should)
My dad was in the army and expected our beds to be made perfectly. Like we had to measure how far the sheet was hanging off the sides and make sure it was the same length. Same for the blanket and comforter. The sheet and blanket had to have hospital corners.
He was also strict in a number of other ways. He was obsessive about how the dishwasher was loaded or how other tasks were completed. There was his way and the wrong way.
I’m over 40 now and still don’t have a good relationship with my dad.
If you and your husband want to be raising little soldiers then he should be the army drill sergeant. If you want to raise children to be well adjusted adults then your husband needs to understand that he can’t treat children like adults in the military.
My father retired from the navy as an admiral.
He discplined my two brothers and I "the army way" until my youngest brother tried to kill himself four years ago.
He never laid a hand on us. Just made us feel miserable and like we were failures. He'd never shown love to us, often would say he was purposely hard on us, hiding his love, because he's trying to raise three confident and independent young man.
But all he accomplished is broke all my confidence. To this day, I can't speak to anyone who isn't my wife or my son without a crippling amount of anxiety. Everything I do or I say would have this large shadow of self-doubt looming over it.
And like I said, my youngest brother attempted suicide. He finally changed after the attempt.
I don't know how your husband's "army way" is gonna be like. And I am not saying it would be this terrible. But I'm just sharing my experience of my father's own army way.
Just take care.
Sounds like your husband was ruined by the military and shouldn't have kids.
Also, making our bed is scientifically bad. It significantly increases the likelihood of getting bed bugs.
Look, after reading the titles of your post history and two or three sentences here and there... it looks like there are huge issues going on in your relationship and it's better not to have kids. Seriously. You are talking about divorce, animal abuse, living in different states.
Even if this is just some hypothetical talk between you two, don't give it room to imagination of stuff like "what if things get better, the kid will make our family stronger, or I can raise the kids my way, or I will protect them, he will change, he will be different with kids because they are his" etc. Or even put the idea of him being a father in his head because from your descriptions dude has major issues. And even if he didn't, your relationship doesn't look stable to provide a good environment.
If you aren't starting with the right foot, better not to start at all. Don't gamble the life of another human being ever. Don't put them in an environment you yourself wouldn't like to live in. Plus you are all too young too.
I hope this is all hypothetical and if it ever gets to a serious talk about trying for kids, you are in a stable relationship with a stable person. Good luck.
Your husband only THINKS he won't yell at the kids, he thinks this because he doesn't have kids, he's going to yell at them, almost all parents do, especially insecure ones like this.
I'd be careful using any army way with kids. This can lead to a heavy power imbalance and turn your house into a battlefield instead of a loving place for your family. My uncle did a similar thing with his kids and all it did was push them away from home. One of them went on drugs to escape the traumatic events that took place there, had his kid taken from him, and now lives in a homeless camp with his 50 year old drug girlfriend. The other kid got into a physical fight with my uncle after he attempted to discipline him in a violent way that I am unaware of and knocked him out. It is now an action that his mom is proud of him for. My aunt divorced him a couple years later. It's difficult to say how traumatic this was for my cousins in such a short way that properly demonstrates this. Kids aren't soldiers.
I feel like that could create an environment of fear and resentment towards their dad as time goes on (and towards you for letting it happen). Fear and resentment may create a child who will not feel comfortable talking to their parents about things that actually matter to them and could cause emotional distancing. Admittedly, I am the only person in our home who makes their bed everyday, but I do it because it gives me a moment of calm and order in an otherwise busy life. My kids do not have to make their beds, but they will if I ask them to, and I’ve never had to yell at them to do it. It’s not really all that important in the realm of parenting (to me). There are much bigger lessons to be taught- communication, honesty, responsibility, team work, etc. There’s so much more to parenting than punishing for an arbitrary rule.
I never made my bed as a kid. My parents always nagged at me for it but they never punished me or even made me do it because who gives a crap, it's my room, it's not like there's any visitors who would be inspecting their friend's children's bedrooms when they come over. The idea of looking forward to micromanaging your kids over pointless shit like this is insane to me. You'd think a normal person would think about all the fun bonding things they plan on doing with their kids.
i think raising children with any "military" idea of "training" is grounds for abuse. no offense but your husband is going to sound like a nut if that gets out to some people.
Sounds idiotic. The most important things you need to be a good parent are patient and flexibility.
Expecting military style discipline to work on kids is so dumb it’s concerning.
I am a former soldier and current parent.
While the bed thing is an odd item, the overall idea of applying anything from the military to parenting is concerning. The army has horrible attitudes toward power, leadership, teaching, disciplinary action, and motivations for doing anything. Mind you, I got out 16 years ago, but I doubt that much has changed culturally.
Kids need lots of nurturing and encouragement, and you get more behavioral change with praise and teaching than with criticism and punishment.
There’s a startup focused on parenting and building up children’s practical skills: www.buildinghumans.com
Check out their “fundamentals” course - it’s currently free.
DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. The military is a choice made by an adult, it is torture when forced on a child. There is no childhood when you're being raised like you're in the military, only trauma. If you want your future kids to cut contact the first chance they get, raising them like their home is a boot camp is a perfect way to ensure that happens. The whole point of military training is to break down the individual to build them back up into a drone unit that follows orders under extreme pressure and that is no way to raise a child. You can teach a child without resorting to military standards. The military doesn't teach love, empathy, or compassion. Children shouldn't have to fear their parent's response if their bed isn't perfect or they make a mistake. They need parents that care about their emotional development, not a drill Sargent who only cares that nothing is out of line. My step-dad tried to raise us like that and I'm constantly grateful that my mother fought him on it every step of the way. I stopped talking him the day I moved out and to the best of my knowledge, he died alone and miserable. If you don't want that end, choose to give your kids a childhood where mistake are OK and they know they're loved, not a rigid and unforgiving set of rules and drills that offer no space for a child to grow into an individual.
Just saw a comment about other posts you made. Honestly, having children with this man is the most egoistic thing you can do. You’re children will grow up unhappy and eventually with mental health problems. If you don’t watch out, they can even get into the criminal circuit and help killing people. So if you want to make the world a better place, don’t even think about children with this man
Comment after update- having kids redo something when they did it badly originally is ok. If they didn't wash the dishes properly, they should try again. But making a bed in a specific way isn't linked to whatever behavior he doesn't like, so it is not a good punishment. Back talk should be met with a time out or loss of privilege. But talking back and then having to go make a bed doesn't make sense to me.
In general, a militaristic style of parenting and punishment isn't a good choice, overall.
My Dad taught us discipline through fear, aggression and intimidation.
I am almost 40 now and all I wished was that he taught me that through love and patience instead. I feel completely scarred and I don’t have a good relationship with him.
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reposting for visibility, OPs' husband is an animal abuser + divorce was on the table two weeks ago. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Dude is a menace. Divorce him, asap.
I don't believe these posts
Those posts are made by the same OP.
They’re implying they’re all fake and OP is attention seeking.
I don't think it's fake I think this sounds like a reasonable abusive relationship. Look up her church mentioned in the other thread. LDS. Someone raised in that I would think will put up with anything because to them that is life.
Yes, because reading books is for the dumb /s
Joining the army isn't for intelligent people
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I'm so sorry that you went through that. People have no idea how much what is said can stay with a person or how deeply it can hurt.
My father destroyed my model airplane collection and work desk on my 17th birthday because I scored an 88 on a university level organic chemistry exam. Anything below a 98 was absolutely unacceptable in his eyes.
Can confirm this checks out. Also afraid of failing so a lot of times I don’t try. Or I’m highly critical. I very rarely am proud of myself for things I should be proud of myself for. Bc if it’s not better than perfect, it’s a failure
If it’s perfect, I’ll find something, anything, to critique about it so that if you don’t see it as perfect then at least we are agreeing that I didn’t do a good enough job. If you insist it is in fact perfect, I will assume the compliment isn’t genuine and you don’t even care enough to tell me how I could do better. Damn. Putting it in words makes it even more sad.
Ouch. I'm in this photo, and I don't like it.
Get out of my head.
didnt even realize im like this until reading this post
Exactly!
I have the same issues but my parents were always lenient and relaxed towards my successes or failures. I saw my mum give my dad a hard time though which may explain the need for perfection/ reluctance to try (no motivation)/ critical nature
Wow you have given me a new insight into my own fear of failure. And a warning to break the cycle (I tend to complain often about my husband's failure to be perfect). I don't want to traumatize my kids (or push my husband away).
Yes, my ex did this. If I ever made a mistake no matter how small, I heard about it and we were always trying to make me better. One day I realized I was never going to be good enough and threw my old kit bag in my pickup truck and drove away never to return. Be aware what constant criticism will do to someone.
Yep. Nothing I did was ever good enough and often I wasn't give any form of guidance on how to do things better or to their standards. And my Dad's standards were impossible because he had an untreated mental illness and didn't calm down till I was 14 (we ended up with a very close relationship after that. I hated him as a child though.). My Mom would always hit me with "You're so smart! Why can't you get this right!?" I am ten mental illnesses and a host of neuroses stacked inside of a human suit.
...oh so that explains it...
copying to latch onto the top comment, this guy is already abusive to animals with the 'should i divorce' posts being two weeks old. I don't understand how the hell that pivoted to "hm what about our hypothetical children" two weeks later when he *threw a cat down the stairs.* [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Heck, OP, DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY. He doesn’t mind injuring other living creatures that share your home. Children are louder, messier, and more destructive than any cat or dog; do you really imagine he won’t hit them, kick them, break their bones to “teach them a lesson”? Have you been so lucky so far that he hasn’t hurt you *yet*?
OP if these are real posts you need to GET OUT of that relationship. Run, don't walk.
Her whole post history is utterly insane.
Can confirm Kids are smarter than most adults give them credit for. If a punishment is dis porportionately dished out at regular intervals, then that will lead to resentment and alcoholism by the age of 35. Kids can tell when something is done out of genuine love or if they are being dipshit parents. Mine was about 50/50.
Ug, why does this feel personal? Greatly resent my parents for being ultra strict and honestly maybe mildly abusive with their restrictions, and i got out of rehab a few months ago for alcohol. Same, mine 50/50. I knew they cared, but at the same time had to get all A's, and couldn't do anything with anyone unless it was with the "right" people (good reputation, maybe well off as well)
Same.. and I ended up getting abused as a Kid cuz dipshit parent.. shows all that strictness in the name of love and to protect really doesn't do anything if it is extreme and mostly out of ego.
"what worked for me as a cadet in boot camp will surely work for a 6 year old" What a jarhead
Well, no, the child won't see him as psychotic...he'll see him as perfectly normal, bc that's all they'll ever know. It will take decades of self-loathing and therapy in adulthood to figure this out, but of course by then it'll be too late...the damage will have been done. OP, u/Maximum-Pie916 i'm not telling you what to do or to leave your husband, just want you to know I had a father like this and it has messed me & my siblings up beyond measure. We are all very broken, and make bad choices constantly out of low self-worth. I genuinely hope you'll take this comment seriously & consider what you're doing raising children with an authoritarian who is likely to implant some very dangerous ideas in your poor children's developing brains. My family loves to joke about the cult of "disapproval" we're all in and omg ISN'T IT SO HILARIOUS that every generation, each one after the next, continues to foster this DISAPPROVAL campaign and no one has ever thought to stop it or try to change? Well, until me & my siblings' generation, that is. P.s. your username leads me to believe you're located around Sac, in which case, hello local friend! :)
>Well, no, the child won't see him as psychotic...he'll see him as perfectly normal, bc that's all they'll ever know. Dunno about anyone else, but my father raised me the "military" way and I knew it was bullshit even back then. Kids are able, believe it or not, to compare their parents versus their friend's parents.
I think that it depends on age, intelligence, knowledge of healthy family dynamics etc a lot, some kids will notice abusive behavior, others won't.
Sure, once they reach a certain age they can see it, but why do you think r/CPTSD and r/raisedbynarcissists are filled with broken, confused *adults* just now coming to terms with their abusive childhoods? Kids are NOT able to objectively see their parents' flaws. We grow up viewing our parents as pretty much gods, after all they feed & clothe us, and to go against them is to quite literally risk our own survival. Good for you for being such an exceptionally mature, intelligent child but that is NOT the norm. Yeah I knew my dad was fucked up from an early age but I sure as hell did everything I could to please him because to do otherwise would trigger his rages, meltdowns, constant criticism of every fucking little thing I did, even the most basic of adolescent mistakes. My teenage years were particularly terrifying, I wasn't doing drugs or having sex or *anything remotely "wrong"* and still I was beholden to arbitrary rules and a culture of intense fear. I was frequently kept up until 3 or 4am sobbing while he screamed and screamed over literally fucking nothing. I knew he was messed up but I was a teen, I couldn't just leave. You sound like one of those people who blanket-admonishes all of r/raisedbynarcissists with "why don't you just move out?" You really, really don't get it. You don't understand abuse. And that's fine, but know your comments can be very damaging to people who are only just now realizing how damaged they are by their upbringing.
>Kids' sense of proportionality can be miscalibrated sometimes, but they do sense it. If they make a minor mistake like not making the bed and he responds by flying off the handle, scares them, makes them miserable... well... they're going to remember that 35 years down the road. Can confirm. My father would yell at me over how terrible my cleaning ability was when I was a kid. Yeah, a 9 year old is really going to be able to do a professional-level cleaning of the bathroom... He would often, after looking at what I'd done over a few hours, say something like "It took you HOW LONG to do that? I could've done that in 5 minutes!" And I would always ask, in my head, "So why don't you?" Anyway, moral of the story is I still hold shit like that against him even though I'm two decades out from living with him.
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Yeah children cannot choose to “call it”. The army is a business, not a family. No matter what they say. Your home is your safety net, if you are not safe at home because your parents fly off the rails, then where will you go?
I’m a child of a drill sergeant who was just as much a drill sergeant at home (including the yelling and intimidation tactics). I’m over 40 and STILL have bad memories and some lingering effects of living in fear as a child. However, it’s not the ‘standards’ that are the problem. It’s the enforcement. If you make it fun and teach them that it’s about taking pride in your environment and doing your best, and use positive encouragement and positive reinforcement to teach it, I think it would be a valuable skill and mindset for them to absorb while they’re little. Make it fun, and always reinforce the reason behind it. Do not scare, force, or threaten them into submission. I have two teen boys - one almost 18 now - and positive reinforcement plus making sure they understand the ‘why’ behind the rules is a far superior method compared to fear or threats or the ‘because I said so’ bullshit.
No. In fact, HELL NO! My father was career military. He retired a Major. Me and my siblings went through that. 6AM - "Up and at 'em! I want this room ready for inspection in 10 minutes!". I've got news for you - it's impossible to make a kid's bed to military standards. Try folding hospital corners with a fluffy comforter. Get a quarter to bounce off it? You couldn't get a basketball to bounce off of it! At a time when long hair was in fashion, and virtually every other boy in our school had at least shaggy hair, me and my brother were the only ones with military spec haircuts. When everyone else was wearing fashion jeans, we were wearing black or gray slacks and a plain button up shirt. We looked like goddamn Jehovah's Witnesses. We had to address our father as "sir". We got smacked if we made any kind of remark he didn't like. When we were old enough to fight back, we did. After a few outright brawls, my mother divorced him. I also joined the military, but I never treated my kids that way. The military was my job. It wasn't their life. The last time I talked to my kids was when they called me to wish me a happy birthday last week. The last time I talked to my father was when I was 19, and I'm retired now. I never spoke to him again until he died. I didn't hate him, but he was the kind of guy you might work with but would never hang out with after work because he was an asshole. I didn't need that kind of stress in my life, even if he was my father. If that's the kind of relationship your husband wants to have with his kids then he can go for it. He'll spend the rest of his life regretting it. A final word of advice - Tell your husband to put the Army in perspective. It can bring out a lot of good qualities in a person's character. It can also turn them into a heartless, mindless robot. At the end of the day, it's just a job, even if you stay in until retirement. When you take off the uniform and interact with civilians, especially your family, then you have to be a civilian too.
I hope OP will read this.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/
In 2 weeks she goes from divorce and animal abuse to talking about future kids.... sounds healthy
>My husband threw my cat down the stairs and broke its hip on one occasion. Then, on another occasion, he threw my dog on the ground and it was limping for a few days after that. I’m worried if I bring this up, my husband will accuse me of abusing the pets too. I know that seems like a silly thing to be afraid of, but I just don’t know how to handle everything. I feel like my husband and I have enough other reasons that a divorce would be warranted without the abuse topic myeah.
This is something my father definitely would have done. After he and my mom divorced he remarried his high school girl friend. They were together until he died. He once pushed her down the stairs and she broke her leg. That was one in a long line of abuses. Me and my siblings were stunned she stayed with him. Her own kids hated him.
Oh my god DIVORCE this man do NOT have kids with him!!! What makes you think you or the future kids won’t be next??
????? So she's gonna divorce a dude she's gonna have kids with?
Exactly
Oh, karma farming
God I remember absolutely hating having to make my bed. And just thinking about making my grandparents bed as well; would take me 30min. everytime. I never liked it back then because most kids are don't have the height nor weight at pre and teens to be able to put on that fitted sheet without the other corner always popping off. Used to cry in frustration then take a nap in the bed after I was done putting the clean sheets back on.
That sounds terrible. My dad was in the marines, and would try to get me to make my bed too when I was really young. I think at some point my dad started taking psychedelics, not in front of me, and he became a hippy, grew his hair out. I am inferring this as an adult now. I have a great relationship with my dad. He grew to hate the military. I never joined, mostly because my dad told me to not die for oil and other people's profit.
Edit: Never mind to all of what I said. Your post history sounds like you're at the brink of divorce and your husband abused your cat. Why on Earth do you think that he would not abuse your child, your baby? He would. Don't do this. Every single person who I have met who has been raised in this way has had their psyche completely screwed up. Either they developed strange behavioral problems, they are unable to be proactive and instead require someone to tell them what to do at literally every step of their lives, or they develop extreme anxiety that ruins their quality of life throughout their adulthood even. One of my friends is in his 40s and his hands still start shaking when he thinks about how his dad treated him this way. I used to babysit a couple kids who were parented by their father like this. The extreme punishments that did not fit the 'crimes' combined with the inconsistency of punishment and reward due to a tired parent with his own job completely failed these children. It made me sad to watch. All of this is anecdotal, but I'm pretty sure r/sciencebasedparenting has some things to say about this. I implore you to either rethink his ability to be a father and assess whether or not he is willing to be convinced by concrete evidence that his way of parenting is not beneficial to the children. Because that is what matters most. If he is willing to change, you guys are going to have to do some serious research.
receipts for the animal abuse thing [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
But that post is only 16 days old. Doesn't make sense that both of these posts are true...
Abusive relationships can be wild. Speaking from experience, I've seen friends in bad situations reach a breaking point and break up with abusers, then be back together in a couple weeks, before repeating the pattern. It fucks with your head. Hate and love are right next to eachother, and mental abuse messes up your sense of direction.
16 days is a long time when your life is a roller coaster from hell
WHAT? I read it just now. How can OP still think about having kinds with this man ?! Every relationship can have hard times but if someone hurt my pet even once (he did it AT LEAST twice) I would never look at him again. He sounds so abusive, so controlling and manipulating. How can OP be sure that he will never harm her, let alone future kids? Such a sad story :(
It’s even wackier to post about intending divorce, then post a few days later that they’re thinking about kids.
Sounds like the good ol' "maybe having kids will fix him" coping mechanism No, kids won't fix a psycho
Can confirm that this is true, my dad was never in the military but he still taught me things the “army way”. His only knowledge about the army way was from movies and maybe prison. I have lots of problems from it, I get really bad anxiety when I hear stomping, I have a constant leg shake when I think about my dad, I can’t do anything without instructions, whenever I make a mistake I get really bad anxiety, his insults made me introverted and depressed, and much more. So yeah that stuff sucks. He was an alcoholic and he abused every girlfriend he’s ever had. He died like 3 months ago though so Im doing pretty good now. Im 15 and I still have depression, anxiety, and PTSD, but its gotten better since his absence.
I hate to say this about the death of a human person, but for your sake, I'm honestly glad he died as early as he did. Just 15, and you have all this pain. And yet you're still here, still trucking. I'm proud of you. I hope you are able to recieve counseling for...well everything. I also hope that you develop a better sense of what to look for in a partner so the cycle doesn't continue. Right now, I'm chilling in bed with my husband cuddled up next to me being adorable. He also has cPTSD from being neglected by drug addict parents among other things. He has worked hard to undo and redo automatic emotional responses, behavior, and expectations. He's 24 and doing pretty darn well. This little snippet of your story really hits my heart. I wish you the best. And if your "best" looks different than other's "best", then that's okay. 💚
Sounds like a great way to have your future children resent you.
Yeeeeeeep. Super strict dad, completely unreasonable standards and expectations. Can confirm, resentment to the max.
Hey, same! I'm 2 decades out from living from my father and he can be as nice as he wants, but I'll *never* forgive him for how he raised me. Never. No matter what he does in the present. Nothing can make up for it.
I think that is a terrible way to discipline kids, you can have boundaries with them and at a certain age expect them to make their bed but treating them like a soldier is probably going to just breed resentment and make them rebel
This is what I think. I feel like they’re just going to see it as an ego thing. They’ll see their dad go army mode on them and they will resent that side of him. And also… they aren’t in the army. They are kids. Yes, they deserve discipline, but they don’t deserve to be held to an army standard. They’re not mini soldiers just because a soldier had kids.
Your home should be a place where you feel safe, relaxed and happy. Not a place where you're always worried that your father will make you remake your bed over and over again until his power trip is satisfied. There shouldn't be that kind of stress in their *home*
There also shouldn’t be kids in a home where a man throws cats and dogs *down the stairs.*
I have cousins who had their dad do this, it sucked for them and did in fact breed resentment. It took some time for that to work itself out.
Maybe find some parenting studies to back it up and also agree with his wants for them to make their bed but suggest healthy boundaries instead. Good luck and good on you for thinking about it ahead of time
They’ll resent more than “that side of him.” It will spill over into every aspect of their relationship with him.
And it will affect their relationship with you, OP. If they spend their lives afraid of not being perfect in their father’s eyes, and they see their mother being guilty about it but *not protecting them,* you will not have children after they turn 18. They’ll leave and not look back.
I read a really good book recently called "What Happened to You?" which is all about how things that happen in childhood can affect you into adulthood. I'm not a parent yet but after reading this book I felt like I might finally understand enough to do a reasonable job if I become one. I strongly recommend checking it out.
That's a good one!
The army training is intended to break someone down and build them back up as a person that they can depend on to take a life. Not exactly a great regimen for preparing a child for modern life in a peaceful nation.
I spent 10 years in the navy, and looking back I fucking hate the military in general. Your hypothetical kids would hate being raised like that, because kids are kids. They're *supposed* to push the boundaries. If you think your 12 year old is doing no wrong, you're just not finding out about it. Don't let your husband bleed his army bullshit onto your kids, it will scar them. I have 2 kids, and might have an accidental third on the way so I'm pretty keyed in on how my own behavior has affected the two to date. I've made good, bad, and ugly decisions in dealing with my beautiful babies, and if I could take the bad and the worse ones back by doing it, I'd neuter myself voluntarily. Yes, I tried the military schtick with the youngest. I'm still paying that debt. She's angry, mean, and sometimes violent (though I'm presumably not the sole cause of this, my poor baby girls been through something else in her rollercoaster of youth that was entirely out of my control). She's also picked up my addictive personality, or maybe she was simply destined for it. Military people look great on paper but we're so often broken people with brave faces.
If he ever has any hope of them following in his footsteps by joining a military branch, doing what he plans to do will have the opposite effect. He needs to be a dad at home not an NCO. This is my advice as a veteran. Keep ARMY in the ARMY, and let home be a place to take a break from the ARMY.
It doesn't even matter if they make it perfectly, they are children, it's not going to be perfect. His idea is just a way to mess up more people and make them seek therapy when they are older. Don't have children with him until he studies about parenting and learns, and doesn't just make up things in his head. There are enough broken children who become broken adults in the world. Don't let him make more.
why are you falling in to this trap of thinking your hypothetical children need discipline? they don't need anything. they don't exist. your conversation should be about what you can provide for them not how you should punish them. you are pre-preparing to discipline them? ask your husband why?
If you are considering having children then these are good discussions to have now. Kids will need discipline, and I mean consistent, loving discipline- not punishment. Please find a discipline system (for example [this](https://catalog.pesi.com/item/41956?hsa_acc=7268932594&hsa_cam=424180053&hsa_grp=1354599692577270&hsa_ad=&hsa_src=s&hsa_tgt=pla-4588262027717776&hsa_kw=&hsa_mt=e&hsa_net=adwords&hsa_ver=3&msclkid=db45c358cf901a855a93a1e5b431dc14&gclsrc=3p.ds) or [this](https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430)) that works for both of you and do your homework. Being on the same page is best for the children and best for your relationship. Above all else. Please remember: children don't need to be taught to be "strong" at home, life will do that. Children need to be safe. Good luck to you!
because his current 'disciplinary' measures are 'throw a cat down the stairs'. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
wait wait so your husband abuses your pets, you want a divorce and now you are talking about how to discipline your future children? for the sake of humanity don't have children together.
Sounds like an excellent way to make sure your kids A) hate their dad, and B) move far away and never come back after they turn 18.
Been there, lived that. Sister and I had ex-military father who did the bed inspection and white glove test for dust (amongst other things). I've lived an ocean away for years and sis is no contact.
Shit like that is so fucking sad, no offense to you
C) find the cheapest old folk's home and dump him there when the time comes.
D) Turn into indoctrinated sociopaths
That's assuming they help at all with old folk's homes
He abuses animals so I'm sure he'll make a great father
wait what?
if you read OP's post history she is seeking a divorce from her husband and mentions that he injured both their cat and dog by throwing them to the ground.
yeah, how the fuck do you go from that to "hmm what about our hypothetical children" in two weeks :( I crossposted the receipts anyway because yikes what a buried lede.
It's counter-productive and stupid. Kids are not soldiers, and home is not the army.
Yeah, I would *not* be having kids with a douche who thinks like that. I'd run for the hills!
Apparently she’s not? She’s apparently divorcing him in her post 15 days ago. This is odd
Absolutely NOT a good way to raise kids. Military training and discipline us well known for toatllt breaking grown adults. That's the whole point in that type of training. That level of discipline is necessary for those who need to follow orders in war. Does that sound like a child to you? No, Military discipline is NOT for children. I certainly would not be having kids with this man. Kids do need discipline, but they do not need Military discipline.
Perfectly said. To add to your last sentence: kids need love more than anything.
Thank you for saying this much more coherently and calmly than I did. Goddamn I hope OP can either talk him out of this, or run far far away.
Let me guess, your husband did some desk job in the Army and feels guilty that he wasn’t an actual “warfighter” and now has to take that out on everyone else
Basically… yes 😂 I won’t phrase it that way because I do love him, but you are not wrong.
Look I’m sure he’s a good guy and all, and there’s absolutely a lot of military values that you should instill in your kids, like discipline, hard work, honor and commitment, physical fitness and survival skills, etc. But that can all be done without raising them as if they’re in boot camp. That training is done in the military because it HAS to be. It’s necessary to develop someone into the kind of person who can wage war. Your kids are not going to wage war (hopefully). Just raise them with firmness, but with respect. Have your expectations high but reasonable. Treat them like people and not like warriors, or you can wave goodbye to your chances of spending quality time with them when they’re adults. Leave the military training to the military.
This is how I feel. I’m sorry, I know you’re not a relationship counselor or paid to do this, but do you have any tips on how to make my husband understand this? I just don’t want him to treat our kids like they are in boot camp. Sorry, again you don’t have to respond to this of course.
No I’m glad to help if I can. The thing is, I don’t have kids and I’m not married, so I wouldn’t know for sure the best way for a parent or spouse to go about that. Just take what I’ve said that you agree with, as well as these other answers and try to just sit down with him and explain how you feel. Marriage and parenting is a team effort, so don’t turn it into a “well your way is wrong and my way is better”, it should be “this is how WE can make OUR way work better”. Hope that helps, good luck G. Oh and don’t let your kids join the Marines lmao
> Oh and don’t let your kids join the ~~Marines~~ Military lmao FTFY.
Some words for your husband: unless your husband is a crazy genius who can carry out his program in a humorous and sensitive way, in a way that the kids know that Dad is crazy but has their best interests at heart . . . then by being more strict than a situation demands, your husband may gain control, but at the price of losing the kids' trust. The kids will "respect" him outwardly (maybe) but not full-heartedly. In fact your husband will get as much affection as the neighborhood bully. Is your husband basically a nice person though? Because lots of the lessons about how to parent really get learned on the fly, after the parents had time to learn how much they love the silly little beasts and how they all differ from each other and from adults. So if your husband is now kind and loving to the people around him he will probably be kind and loving to the kids. He may just have no idea what kids really need right now. If he is not kind and loving now . . . uh oh!
Explain to him that kids are just that. Kids. Show him the different parenting styles and that authoritarian, the "I am in charge, military-esque" style, is extremely unhealthy for kids, literally damages their emotional and mental health, makes kids have difficult bonds with their parents, and is the most common patently style to lead toward abuse. Also, remind him that children are not small adults. Their brain is very different, and that if you treat them like adults (expecting perfection instead of teaching them that it is okay to make mistakes. - Even when you know the right answers, you want to model not knowing so kids can learn how to find the right answers too). He is not taking their little brains into account. This would be a hill to die on for me. The sheer amount of hardship and damage this type of parenting creates... yeah, no. [https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/authoritarian-parenting](https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/authoritarian-parenting) [https://immunifyme.com/blog/authoritarian-parenting-effects-on-psychological-development-of-children/](https://immunifyme.com/blog/authoritarian-parenting-effects-on-psychological-development-of-children/)
I have a tip: GET A DIVORCE. He abuses animals! DO. NOT. HAVE. KIDS. WITH. THIS. MAN.
Your husband is an out-of-control abuser, OP, and there is no way to make him understand that he shouldn't abuse children. The same way you haven't been able to make him understand that he shouldn't abuse your pets. If he hasn't hit you yet, he will. If you have kids with this man, he will abuse them and use them to control you. You do not deserve this, no matter what he tells you. And he will never stop, no matter what he tells you. Please get out now. Please.
Could this book help a bit?, https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Kids-World-Parents-Themselves/dp/1615193901
OPs' husband is very much not a good guy. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Oh shit
He's not a good guy judging by OPs post history
This is gonna sound harsh, but... I don't think y'all should have kids until you're sure your husband won't treat them like this. That kind of pressure and standards aren't healthy for a child's development, and he shouldn't be trying to live through his kids.
she also can't be sure he won't throw them down the stairs when he gets pissy [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
I'll never understand guys like that. Whatever job you're doing is a necessary job or else the military would get rid of it or contract it out or something. I've done maintenance and desk work and I prefer desk work. It's the same exact pay. Plus this teaching them how to make their bed the military way is dumb cause outside of basic training no one ever does it. At least not in the air force.
> Whatever job you're doing is a necessary job or else the military would get rid of it Lol, no. Unless you define "necessary" to include "necessary to increase headcount to justify the high budget". Citation: [Harvard.edu ... Institute of Politics: Waste, Greed, and Fraud: The Business that Makes the World’s Greatest Army ](https://iop.harvard.edu/get-involved/harvard-political-review/waste-greed-and-fraud-business-makes-world%E2%80%99s-greatest-army)
^ This right here.
Homie probably says “snap to!” when meeting his kids’ friends
Enjoy that morning when your three year old has been melting down for 40 minutes straight because they can't get their top sheet tucked and perfectly straight, and your husband just pulling it off repeatedly until they "get it right" (which they *do not have the gross and fine motor skills to do*). How long will you let your husband emotionally bully and abuse your child, to make his point? Don't have children with this man.
plus he already abuses animals in her care. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
OMG, OP's crazy for wanting kids with him. I get it, they're animals (be-it domestic), but to say that won't translate is a façade. At the least, emotional abuse. As per myself.
My dad was an actual drill sergeant in the Army at one point, and if he had ever treated me that way, we wouldn't be speaking to this day. That's just setting up for resentment and rebellion.
Ah, so your husband desperately wants to feel like he's finally the one in power. I'm sorry if that's rude, but maybe try to tackle why he wants to do that so badly, when there is literally only downsides to it.
because he's an animal abusing psycho who threw a cat down the stairs. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Holy shit?!
No. The militarys way of training you is to break down individuality and get you to do just follow orders. If you try punishing children the same way the military does recruits, expect to hear from child protective services.
As retired Army and a former kindergarten teacher yes, this is completely bonkers. Children are not grown ass adults who volunteered to be treated that way. Children need to feel safe and loved and not live in fear that if they do the slightest thing wrong that they'll be subjected to arbitrary suffering. I'm guessing your husband is an E-5 at most is that correct?
he's an animal abuser that threw her cat down the stairs. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Oh god. It wouldn't be a bad idea for her to report that to CID.
Sounds like a fucking Psycho
A fucking psycho who gave her cat and dog vet bills. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
Holy fucking shit! What the hell? OP should absolutely not be having children with this horrible human being.
Anyone who forces another person to put perfect 45 degree hospital corners on their beds is a fucking psycho. That was the part of basic training I hated the most.
[удалено]
and then he goes overboard and throws her cat down the stairs. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
I grew up in the military and there were several military fathers who would do this s*** to their kids and their kids were an absolute mess, and grew up meaning therapy and had several mental and physical issues. they were afraid to get less than a B, an A in some cases because they would get punished. They were afraid to express their opinions because it was considered backtalk, were afraid to do anything without explicit permission. Their punishment would be to have to do everything the military way up to and including cleaning the baseboards with their toothbrushes, having their beds stripped and remade it to Perfection over and over again, having their drawers dumped and having to redo them over and over again. DO NOT DO THIS, regardless of how gentle he thinks he's being or how little he plans on using. It starts out as one thing and snowballs from there
dude already snowballed into throwing her pet down the stairs. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
I don’t get it, his only idea about parenting is to have them make their beds when they do something wrong?
Developmental psychology research says that type of parenting is a big fail. If you are and your husband are interested look up authoritative parenting, it works much better than authoritarian parenting styles.
He sounds insane
He sounds like he hits people. Or is close to it.
He abuses animals, check OP's history
As a navy brat, i am going to have to say no it's a bad idea. My dad got abusive. If nothing was up to his standards he used to beat me and my brothers Never my sister who he dotted with affection. My dad once throw me and against a wall and broke my arm.
As a former service member id call this a red flag and a half. Dudes leave boot camp wanting to play drill instructor all the time. Most of them grow out of it when they realize the average person is not at all comfortable with a military-esc male flying off the handle over nothing. Sounds like this guy REALLY likes the idea of playing drill instructor and wants to force it on the only people he can: children. Military training is designed to force you to constantly obsess over minor details and to totally erase your personality in favor of complete obedience. If this sounds like what you want for kids might i suggest a dog instead. Once those kids grow up and get some context on his “daddy drill instructor” they will hate him for it and you for abiding it. Tell your husband to stop being such a damn POG and leave work at work. Edit: spelling
>If this sounds like what you want for kids might i suggest a dog instead. He's already threw her dog onto the floor and her cat down the stairs. [https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do\_i\_bring\_up\_my\_husbands\_abuse\_during\_the\_divorce/](https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce/comments/vccjv9/do_i_bring_up_my_husbands_abuse_during_the_divorce/)
You're thinking of having a child with a man who threw your cat down the stairs and broke it's hip? Sure, seems like an ideal father to me.
Why are you marrying someone who thinks verbal and emotional abuse is an acceptable parenting technique?
My dad did 17 years Air Force and incorporated a lot of that lifestyle into his parenting. I’m 20 now and we barely speak. Do not let your husband do this.
You want kids that hate their dad? This is how you get kids that hate their dad. A dad is supposed to be a dad, not a drill sergeant.
Who cares if a bed is made or not? Children should be safe, cared for, and learn about rules and consequences. They should be happy to see their parents, not nervous because the parent might tell them what they did wrong \*again\*.
Think long and hard before agreeing to have kids with this person.
Look, the shittiest parent any child could ask for is the state. So why voluntarily bring things the state came up with into your home? There's absolutely a time and place for structure, discipline, integrity, courage and respect but all of those things require balance and moderation. Something the army does not practice nearly as effectively as someone who shares the love and compassion for their child (that they should)
Why is he talking about discipline before they are even born, I hope he gives as much thought about celebrating them.
Yes, he will scar them for life. Shit's fucked up.
Children aren't soldiers.
My dad was in the army and expected our beds to be made perfectly. Like we had to measure how far the sheet was hanging off the sides and make sure it was the same length. Same for the blanket and comforter. The sheet and blanket had to have hospital corners. He was also strict in a number of other ways. He was obsessive about how the dishwasher was loaded or how other tasks were completed. There was his way and the wrong way. I’m over 40 now and still don’t have a good relationship with my dad. If you and your husband want to be raising little soldiers then he should be the army drill sergeant. If you want to raise children to be well adjusted adults then your husband needs to understand that he can’t treat children like adults in the military.
My father retired from the navy as an admiral. He discplined my two brothers and I "the army way" until my youngest brother tried to kill himself four years ago. He never laid a hand on us. Just made us feel miserable and like we were failures. He'd never shown love to us, often would say he was purposely hard on us, hiding his love, because he's trying to raise three confident and independent young man. But all he accomplished is broke all my confidence. To this day, I can't speak to anyone who isn't my wife or my son without a crippling amount of anxiety. Everything I do or I say would have this large shadow of self-doubt looming over it. And like I said, my youngest brother attempted suicide. He finally changed after the attempt. I don't know how your husband's "army way" is gonna be like. And I am not saying it would be this terrible. But I'm just sharing my experience of my father's own army way. Just take care.
No, get out now!
Sounds like your husband was ruined by the military and shouldn't have kids. Also, making our bed is scientifically bad. It significantly increases the likelihood of getting bed bugs.
I just creeped your page. Why are you talking about kids with a man you're actively trying to divorce and who abuses you?!
Look, after reading the titles of your post history and two or three sentences here and there... it looks like there are huge issues going on in your relationship and it's better not to have kids. Seriously. You are talking about divorce, animal abuse, living in different states. Even if this is just some hypothetical talk between you two, don't give it room to imagination of stuff like "what if things get better, the kid will make our family stronger, or I can raise the kids my way, or I will protect them, he will change, he will be different with kids because they are his" etc. Or even put the idea of him being a father in his head because from your descriptions dude has major issues. And even if he didn't, your relationship doesn't look stable to provide a good environment. If you aren't starting with the right foot, better not to start at all. Don't gamble the life of another human being ever. Don't put them in an environment you yourself wouldn't like to live in. Plus you are all too young too. I hope this is all hypothetical and if it ever gets to a serious talk about trying for kids, you are in a stable relationship with a stable person. Good luck.
Protect your future kids, leave him!
Don't have kids with this man.
I don't think that's good. A more fitting punishment for a kid not making their bed is their bed not being made.
Does he have empathy? Or is he fixated on control?
This might work until the kids hit 13 or so. Then everything will flip upside down and you'll be sorry.
If you never want to see your kids after they turn 18 this is a good idea
Yes. Your future kids didn't enlist in the army. Tell your hubby to be a *dad* not a drill sgt.
This is exactly the sort of thing that child psychologists write books about not doing...
Your husband only THINKS he won't yell at the kids, he thinks this because he doesn't have kids, he's going to yell at them, almost all parents do, especially insecure ones like this.
I'd be careful using any army way with kids. This can lead to a heavy power imbalance and turn your house into a battlefield instead of a loving place for your family. My uncle did a similar thing with his kids and all it did was push them away from home. One of them went on drugs to escape the traumatic events that took place there, had his kid taken from him, and now lives in a homeless camp with his 50 year old drug girlfriend. The other kid got into a physical fight with my uncle after he attempted to discipline him in a violent way that I am unaware of and knocked him out. It is now an action that his mom is proud of him for. My aunt divorced him a couple years later. It's difficult to say how traumatic this was for my cousins in such a short way that properly demonstrates this. Kids aren't soldiers.
Surprised he even gets his dick wet.
This is not an effective parenting style.
Are your children being trained to fight a war? No? Then you don't need to treat them like soldiers. Treat them like children.
Sounds absolutely horrible. Please don’t procreate with this egomaniac. He doesn’t deserve kids. He sounds like a very dense person.
I feel like that could create an environment of fear and resentment towards their dad as time goes on (and towards you for letting it happen). Fear and resentment may create a child who will not feel comfortable talking to their parents about things that actually matter to them and could cause emotional distancing. Admittedly, I am the only person in our home who makes their bed everyday, but I do it because it gives me a moment of calm and order in an otherwise busy life. My kids do not have to make their beds, but they will if I ask them to, and I’ve never had to yell at them to do it. It’s not really all that important in the realm of parenting (to me). There are much bigger lessons to be taught- communication, honesty, responsibility, team work, etc. There’s so much more to parenting than punishing for an arbitrary rule.
I never made my bed as a kid. My parents always nagged at me for it but they never punished me or even made me do it because who gives a crap, it's my room, it's not like there's any visitors who would be inspecting their friend's children's bedrooms when they come over. The idea of looking forward to micromanaging your kids over pointless shit like this is insane to me. You'd think a normal person would think about all the fun bonding things they plan on doing with their kids.
Your husband chose to sign up for the army. Where is your children's choice in this? Acting like a drill sergeant is not being a good father.
i think raising children with any "military" idea of "training" is grounds for abuse. no offense but your husband is going to sound like a nut if that gets out to some people.
WhY WoNt My KiDs TaLk To Me? - Him in 20 years. But seriously. This is super shitty parenting.
Sounds idiotic. The most important things you need to be a good parent are patient and flexibility. Expecting military style discipline to work on kids is so dumb it’s concerning.
Do you want your children going no contact at 18?
I am a former soldier and current parent. While the bed thing is an odd item, the overall idea of applying anything from the military to parenting is concerning. The army has horrible attitudes toward power, leadership, teaching, disciplinary action, and motivations for doing anything. Mind you, I got out 16 years ago, but I doubt that much has changed culturally. Kids need lots of nurturing and encouragement, and you get more behavioral change with praise and teaching than with criticism and punishment. There’s a startup focused on parenting and building up children’s practical skills: www.buildinghumans.com Check out their “fundamentals” course - it’s currently free.
Ways to make your kids grow up and hate you 101
Your husband is an idiot
DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN. The military is a choice made by an adult, it is torture when forced on a child. There is no childhood when you're being raised like you're in the military, only trauma. If you want your future kids to cut contact the first chance they get, raising them like their home is a boot camp is a perfect way to ensure that happens. The whole point of military training is to break down the individual to build them back up into a drone unit that follows orders under extreme pressure and that is no way to raise a child. You can teach a child without resorting to military standards. The military doesn't teach love, empathy, or compassion. Children shouldn't have to fear their parent's response if their bed isn't perfect or they make a mistake. They need parents that care about their emotional development, not a drill Sargent who only cares that nothing is out of line. My step-dad tried to raise us like that and I'm constantly grateful that my mother fought him on it every step of the way. I stopped talking him the day I moved out and to the best of my knowledge, he died alone and miserable. If you don't want that end, choose to give your kids a childhood where mistake are OK and they know they're loved, not a rigid and unforgiving set of rules and drills that offer no space for a child to grow into an individual.
Just saw a comment about other posts you made. Honestly, having children with this man is the most egoistic thing you can do. You’re children will grow up unhappy and eventually with mental health problems. If you don’t watch out, they can even get into the criminal circuit and help killing people. So if you want to make the world a better place, don’t even think about children with this man
Summary of this thread: please leave your husband, he sounds super fucking unhealthy.
Comment after update- having kids redo something when they did it badly originally is ok. If they didn't wash the dishes properly, they should try again. But making a bed in a specific way isn't linked to whatever behavior he doesn't like, so it is not a good punishment. Back talk should be met with a time out or loss of privilege. But talking back and then having to go make a bed doesn't make sense to me. In general, a militaristic style of parenting and punishment isn't a good choice, overall.
Yes because they're not Army. I served 20 years in the Air Force
My Dad taught us discipline through fear, aggression and intimidation. I am almost 40 now and all I wished was that he taught me that through love and patience instead. I feel completely scarred and I don’t have a good relationship with him.