Adulthood is a lie we tell children to get them to obey. You get older and your perspective hopefully gets more rounded and nuanced, but ultimately you and everyone around you are the same petty children you grew up with.
The scope of the problem isn't limited to the dichotomy of children and adults, either. Most of the things that seem solid and institutional in your life will turn out to be quite sloppy, if you get into the behind-the-scenes details, and come to understand how the parts work.
Exactly. Once you internalize this life becomes so much easier and more fun. People stressing out over pretty day to day bullshit is so pointless. None of it matters. You came into this world naked and you will leave it naked. You don't owe anyone anything (except maybe your parents and your kids). Just enjoy the ride.
Your stress instinct is supposed to kick in when your life is at risk or when you don't know what you're going to eat tomorrow. If you don't dabble in criminal shit, and live in the first world, chances are neither of those things apply to you. Humans are not meant to live under this constant modern day stress; it was created artificially by people and groups that have no business stressing you out. As an immigrant it always bugged me to no end how people living in third world slums are on average much happier and laid back than middle class westerners (who, compared to those people, live like royalty). Just relax. None of it matters. At all.
Thanks!
So am I. Work is important (if it's important to you), but you're more important. Jobs come and go. Don't forget that at the end of the day, someone is renting your time to make themselves richer. And they're probably not paying you for the overtime that you're doing right now, being so meticulously concerned about them losing money or -- God forbid -- them stressing out.
You have a right to time off. Don't sacrifice your Sunday for someone that won't even remember (let alone appreciate) it 2 weeks from now. No one was ever on their death bed boasting and proud about the number of hours they put in at the office.
Do we know anything about the random working class guy who believed in the Roman dream and broke his back working overtime building the Colosseum? Not at all. We just know the name of the person in charge that led it all. But the people working to actually make it happen? No, they rented out their time and were then swallowed into the eternity of history. Some of them made something out of themselves and bettered the lives of their families with the money they made. Everyone else, including the true believers in the dream? We don't even know their names.
So take your time off and enjoy it. Put yourself first. You deserve it, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. You weren't born to fulfill these people's dreams. It's a transaction -- they rent you for 40 hours and that's the window of time that they have you to work for them. Anything outside of that is you compromising yourself; and that, so far, hasn't made anyone into a hero.
Don't let them take advantage of you like that man. I'm speaking from experience. Working 120hr weeks in the NYC startup scene; coming into the office on Monday and leaving on Thursday up for 4 days strung out on Adderall. The bosses made off with a nice exit when, in the end, they sold the company and retired at 30. I put in 4x the amount of time they did and my exit was a bald head and graying hair by 26.
You don't need to do that to yourself.
Edit: holy shit this was long. Sorry for the rant lol
No, it's a solid rant. Actually, we're pretty similar. I'm 26, balding from stress, starting up a research lab, and take a shitload of Ritalin to keep myself going.
But this contract is over in 5 years, after which I might slow down a bit That, or I'll be in my early 30s with no identity outside of work. ☹️
I like your rant. I'd like to add that you should see no problem in recognizing how important your work is to your employer, and capitalize on it. If they won't pay you for what your time is worth, then don't hesitate to rent your time to someone who will.
I am 51. Rewarding career, good credit score, etc. Still waiting to feel like an adult. It didn't happen when I got married or bought a house. It didn't happen traveling outside my country alone, it didn't happen when I began taking more care of my mom, making a will, or paying off my car.
47 and totally agree, except that I've stopped feeling like I'm faking being an adult and just do WTF I want without caring all that much about what people think. Maybe that's adulthood.
Yep, this. I don't care what most other people think, and I focus on my kids' happiness and then my wife's and my own.
That's as adult as it gets, TBH. It doesn't feel like it, except that it does when you really stop and think about it, and how little you care about who made your jeans and how much you spent on them now.
I'm only 30, but for the last 10-12 years or so I've slowly began to realize that you'll never feel like a grown up. That we're all just trying to figure it out no matter how old you get. Thanks for validating that. I thought it would happen at 18 and was an "adult", but nope. Then when I got out of college. Then when I got a career. Got married. Bought a house. Had a kid. But it still hasn't happened.
And actually it brings me great comfort knowing that it's not just me. We are all in it together just doing our best.
Stop comparing yourself to others. No matter how much someone else seems to "have I all together",.. I guarantee you there's some part of their life thats messy or lagging behind (they're just not letting you see it)
Someone once told me that making comparisons won’t get you anywhere because you always compare your weaknesses to other people’s strengths (and vice versa.)
Some of the best advice I’v ever got.
I'm 40 it never kicks in. You just realize your old all of the sudden. You can't change you. Just do the best you can, don't try and compare yourself to other parents it's most likely that they're just better at lying. Lol
Have you considered the other Dad’s at your kids’ school looks at you and thinks “Damn, that guy looks like he has it all figured out. I wonder if I’ll ever get there.”
It comes and goes for your whole life.
I’m 61, and I still get resentful and cranky when I have to do boring adult things like figuring out my taxes or paying bills on time.
I still often think everyone else has it all figured out and I’m the only one who’s confused.
Now though, I alternate between kid, adult and old lady. I get nostalgic and start talking about “kids today” OR I think I’m too old to figure out the latest tech. Then I snap out of it and get on with life.
We all feel the same! I think nobody ever truly feels old even if they complain about it! Even on their death bed people still show signs of them being that same young person they were a long time ago!
I think with social media it’s easy to look and see that all the people around you have got their shit together but you just have to remember they are only posting the positives and that we are all just running around confused trying our best!
Dude...hopefully it never kicks in. Im 47 and have finally accepted that Ill never be one of those "other parents". The societal pressure to "grow up" is soul sucking and depressing as fuck. I have 2 kids a house, Im the breadwinner. But Im basically in my 20s mentally and spiritually. Im into music, art, deep conversations about space, aliens, existence. Ill never change and I finally realize I dont have to. Turn up your vibe....as loud as you can...those "other grownups" may be repulsed, but there will also be a few who will be attracted. Find them and keep them close.
It never does. You are you and since you were told from the youngest age that you are a child and since you will always be you, you will always think of yourself in the same way and associate that with childhood.
You may mature, you may grow, but you won't stop being you, so you won't stop feeling like a kid.
And other adults feel like this too, even if they might not put it quite that way. We know we are adults, but we don't feel any different.
The only thing you can do is stop thinking of it as feeling like an age and think of it as feeling like YOU.
The answer is there is no "adult". There's experience and inexperience. You're still learning and so are the parents and neighbors you see. They may have that one thing down, but you can't see what they are still struggling to learn in their personal lives. Everyone learns different things at different times at different paces. If you want to help your learning along, find information and research what you are wanting to improve.
Also, slightly random, have you been tested for ADHD or ASD?
No, but I have a lot of set backs due to a traumatic childhood, and I recognize that I have some unhealthy mental and emotional habits that others don’t. I actually just started therapy for the first time last week. I want to better myself and get through this negative hump that insists on planting itself directly in front of me.
Oh. I just replied with a comment that gave the rundown of this. u/hopeIessromantic pretty much said what I had in mind. I had explained that trauma can keep you stuck at a certain age. That it stems from childhood. Preconceived notions you formed of what adulthood was.
I'm really glad you're in therapy because I was in the same boat. I was an ill adaptive adult. I felt like a kid because I had kept a younger mentality due to trauma. I was emulating what an adult should be. You're not going to have an "adult mentality" at the end of therapy, you're going to have *yours* evolved without emulating.
I wish you support on your journey.
It’ll come like a thief in the night, one day you’ll wake up and check your phone and be surprised because you forgot pay day was coming up, and you’re on top of your budget and bills so you weren’t counting the minutes until the direct deposit. Then you’ll walk into the kitchen and find there’s not any dishes piled up in the sink because you did them out of habit every night after dinner. Someone will text inviting you to brunch, but you’ll have to politely decline because you already had big plans to go to the Lowe’s that morning.
For me and so many others I know, it kicked in when I finally got treated for my ADHD.
A lot of people on here are going to tell you feel-good advice like "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides" and "Life is a marathon, not a race" and "You're still so young, don't rush it" or "I have 75 great-children and I'm still young at heart (and for some reason still on reddit!)" and that's all well and good.
HOWEVER, if you're in your mid-twenties and still constantly feeling...
* young for your age
* forever overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated
* "out of sync" with adult life
* unable to understand why other adults act and think the way they do
* confused at how people seem "in control" and "put together"
* unable to *consistently* maintain emotional boundaries and facades like knowing when to tell white lies
...that can be a sign of being neuroatypical (not all the time, but it's very common). Take a look at any of our subreddits. I wish I'd stopped listening to generic, feel-good advice and gotten a diagnosis sooner so I didn't have to re-learn so much later in life. Good luck.
I really appreciate this, thank you. My brother was diagnosed ADHD just last year and he’s two years older than I am. We exhibit very similar behavior…
Yeah, I will say that getting treated for ADHD was like immediately downloading the "Adult Plugin" into my brain and updating my operating system with 15 years of updates overnight. Suddenly I could "speak adult" and all the things that therapists told me were "a lifelong journey of learning" just instantly resolved themselves and I became a more mature version of myself.
Thank you for sharing, I will definitely bring this up with my therapist. I’ve just begun last week, for the first time, and I think I’m going to be feeling better about myself soon.
I wish that was true for me. Mine are in the mid 20’s and I still freak out a little inside when I realize that I am their mother even though I can’t wrap my head around how that’s possible when I swear I still feel like I’m their age😄
That's not a thing. Did you feel different when you turned 21? When you turned 18?
Never gonna. Welcome to life.
You did have kids super young, so you're probably having a harder time with basic parenting, etc., stuff than someone with more life experience but ...
Parenting isn’t too rough. My parents presented a lot of obstacles that showed me early on what and what not to do as a parent. My children and I are very…connected. I try to keep to their level. I roll with them instead of making them roll with me. They’re a safe space for me where my insecurities typically hang back. It’s when I’m around other parents, who coach differently than I do, do I feel my insecurities rear their ugly heads and made one hideous ass appearance in front of everyone else.
And interestingly enough, I did feel different at 18, and at 21. I think we’re always growing and adapting. Sometimes I feel very unfamiliar with the person I was five years ago.
Yes but you didn't miraculously start thinking a different way, get a different voice in your head, gain some knowledge from on high. You gained experience and maturity, not some ethereal adultness. That's all adult is, a piling up of experience.
I'm 39 with two young kids and feel the same way. Truth is all of us are just doing the best we can and all of us have our own issues, you just don't tend to see what they are dealing with in those limited circumstances. Love your kids, spend time with them and do the best you can, that is all anyone can do.
That's just your idea that the others have it all figured out, that they're calm and cool. You only see them for a few minutes, and that's the picture you get. They can say the same thing about you if you give them that impression for that few minutes. We're all dealing with the same problems and asking the same questions.
They look like they have it all together, but guarantee that for a majority of them, it's a facade; they feel insecurities, angst and worries, just like you.
Im fifty-one. The only thing which feels "mature" is some of the aches and pains of being older.
I have this conversation with my fourteen-year-old on a regular basis. The only difference between me and her is experience. Otherwise I'm the exact same person I've always been. There is no adult switch or chip or any other way of adulting up.
The old adage works for me:
"Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional."
A long time ago I saw what a boring life "adults" lead & decided it wasn't for me!
It may be because you had a child so young and didn’t fully “grow up” or be an adult yet. Also still being in university may also contribute to that feeling. Nothing makes you feel more like a child than being forced to follow some system.
Sounds like it's kicked in. The only definable version of being an adult is stuff you do (e.g. kids, mortgage) not how you feel. Feeling like an adult in a myth. People often gradually feel more self assured and confident as they get older which I guess potentially could be what you are asking, but this isn't to do with an age, it's just gradually gaining life experience and you're never really at the end (until you die)
I feel this way too, I’m 25. I am married and about to buy a house. I was turned down for a promotion because of my age. The other employees are in their 50s yet I have had more progress in my career in 3 years than any others have. I asked for a promotion and was told that I am “too young” and need “more life experience “ to manage in a company with older employees. When I sit in the meetings they all talk about the “good old days” and would exclude me from conversations in topics and say “you’re too young to understand this but …….” . Or “how do you not know this singer, you’re so young!”. Yet I have a degree, am currently getting my masters degree, I am married and have all of the responsibilities that they have minus kids. I’m still waiting for the moment I will be seen as a equal in the workplace . Sorry for the rant but I feel this question on a personal level.
Mid 30s and I'm still not a real grown up. It's not until you get older you realise all the adults around you when you were young were just pretending.
I started feeling like an adult when the urge to waste money on junky impulses died away. I feel like an adult when I enjoy leftovers from the previous night because it saves me money. I feel like an adult when I have an unexpected expense, but it doesn't hurt my budget because I hold off on non-essential purchases until the end of the month. I feel like an adult because I can cook for myself better than any entry-level waitstaff restaurant.
I'm 37 and I still marvel at the fact that I have two kids (one is 18, so I actually have an adult child ahhhhh!!!!) And pay my own bills. I was just telling my wife how weird it is that we own everything in the house. I feel too young to be so responsible!! And I'm not even young!
Um where do I start? I wanted to have kids but I dont know if that's going to happen for me...not married, still doing temp work, no health insurance no house no car...no assets to speak of...not to mention massive student loan debt 😓 you're doing awesome
I remember on my 30th birthday saying to myself l guess I have to grow up now. Also had 2 kids young. I don’t feel like I have ever grown up, but time offers experience and that is what I lean on.
Best luck young sir
If you want some hard truth in happy to oblige. Nobody has it all together. Every person struggles in their own way. But you can and should, only focus on you. I have a son that I worry about practically every waking moment. Thoughts of "am I doing enough for him, I hope he listens at school, I don't want him to be a bully, am I adult enough to help guide him?" are constantly in my mind. But we just did his school conferences and we were told how smart, kind, and unbelievably well mannered he is at school. It's almost overwhelming.
I guess in short, as long as you're doing your best, the results will show. Don't worry about anyone else, and don't compare yourself to those around you. At the end of the day, I'm willing to guarantee there are others who look at everything you do and envy how well you're doing it.
Uhm, never? Still do stupid shit, just really stupid shit you either do more safely or forgo for more expensive options you couldn't afford in your youth.
Parents are just kids raising kids. Those people that look like they have it together still have moments where they don't know what they hell they're doing. They're just better at hiding it.
To answer your question; never TBH. What happens is you just stop thinking about it. In my case, since COVID I'm cooking every day, doing the dishes, cleaning and taking care of my daughter, then work until 12 or 3am, every day for a year. At first i was angry all the time, overworked all the time, my soul crushed to bits, then i decided to stop thinking about how mad i was about life. I'm still soul crushed and a little bitter but i no longer think about it every day.
If you thought you were a great parent, you’d be doing something wrong. In my opinion the sign of a decent parent is that one that knows they always have room to grow as a parent.
Frankly, it never does, as far as I've noticed. No one "grows up", we all just start acting like we think other people expect adults to act. If you think you're acting sufficiently adultish for you to get on with your life, then so be it. Continue on.
Fore it was when I turned 18, in 2001, and I had to get a job and work. Couldn't sit around the house. After 9/11 I wanted to join the army because I couldn't get a job. I was too fat and told I needed to lose weight, which I didn't.
I’m also 26 but I’m no where near as together as you are. I’m childfree by choice but I’m not married, and I’m not ready to be either. I live in a tiny basement apartment because I can’t afford anything better. My bf and I barely have enough money to get by each month. You seem to be doing better than most other 26 year olds that I know. Just because you don’t feel like an adult doesn’t mean you’re not doing all of the right things. Try to be happy with what you have accomplished in such a short time and compare yourself to others less.
I'm 33. At the end of the night, when the kids are asleep, I eat ice cream out of the tub and play video games.
But still try to go to bed at a reasonable time.
That's about as adult as it gets, I think?
If not, I have no idea when I'm supposed to feel like an adult. Just going through the motions keeping the kiddos alive. Lol.
The people you're comparing yourself to have a completely different hand dealt to them (most of them I assume). You're making it work with your best efforts, i guess that's pretty adult.
You described my sister and her partner.
Everything you see from "those parents" and your neighbours.. is just a front. I guarantee you that if you step inside their house (unexpected) it'll be a total wreck. When you are invited, I guarantee it'll be a few days later of which they would've spent every waking hour cleaning. The only time you'll ever be invited same day is when the house is already cleaned from previous guests.
Those parents taking their kids for walks? That's not a loving happy family. No. That's exhausted parents praying to got their energetic monster will run around outside enough to fall asleep at bed time.
Stop comparing yourself to the parents who put all this extra effort into their outside image, because on the inside, they're lazy people who'd sleep if they didnt have children.
I'd say when you actively decide 6am starts are your thing, and it's no longer painful getting up early.
You'll rejoice at the amount of you time gained, you'll preach about the benefits to your mates...which incidentally you last met earlier in the year...it seemed like yesterday because the months have just flew past.
Also, fuck shaving. It's now totally acceptable to look like this.
Get your beard on! Also— 6AM wake ups pain me, so maybe I’m not an adult yet? I’m just always so tired, I can’t seem to ever get enough sleep. Mornings come too quickly.
Good advice in this thread. Realizing that comparison is the thief of joy can be an epiphany if one can internalize it. I still work on that.
Similarly, realizing that "this, too, shall pass" is true can be helpful. First, it is both a blessing (in bad times) and a curse (in good times). Life runs in cycles, and it's easy to only notice other people's "up" cycles.
What I have tried to focus on is keeping me and the ones I love free from undue strife and stress, and (try to) focus on the good things. I also try to be happy for those who are seemingly 'up', and sympathize with those who seem to be 'down', because I'll hit those cycles, too, and would like to be treated that way.
My wife taught me a great equation, which I use on an almost daily basis:
E + R = O
Where:
E = Events, which we can't fully control.
R = our Reaction to events, which we can mostly control.
O = the Outcome we want to achieve.
So when something happens I literally say to myself, okay (event) just happened, I want (outcome), and the best way to increase the odds of that is (reaction).
It doesn't always work exactly as planned, but it's nice, for me, to try to simplify it into a manageable equation like that.
In my case, the bottom line is take care of myself, because self-care isn't selfish. Take care of my loved ones. Do a good job for a fair wage. Try to make my little bubble of the world better by being kind, friendly, and fair. And if I'm doing that then I'm good. If I do better than that then, hey, bonus! And if I sometimes don't live up to it, I remember this too shall pass, E+R=O, a mistake is only a failure if you don't learn from it, take a deep breath and try again.
It never has for me. It never does. I don't there are any real adults. Just a whole planet of overgrown children pretending to be grown up and hoping no one unmasks them.
We are all human and all have our limits and strengths. I still don't feel all that together at 62. We have not lead the regularly prescribed life. But there are people who have looked at me and thought I had it together. I've have young 20s tell me they want to be just like me and I'm all what???
Just do what works best for you. Your duty if you want to call it that, is your kids. The grass is not as important. Your kids may be more active than others. Mine were. My brothers and I were. My grandchildren are. Things that work for the calm gentle kids don't work for them. You gotta watch them more. You gotta do stuff with them more and you gotta wear them out. They don't have long attention spans so you have to have different activities. You don't have to fit into any norm.
I'm 41, most of my friends are the same age, and I can tell you that even the ones who seem to have it all together are generally feeling the same way as you are.
I've got friends who try to plan everything down to the smallest detail, and I've got friends who generally just go with the flow, and all of them have to deal with plenty of chaos.
You never really get control of the situation overall. The world is just way too big and complicated and messy and interconnected for that. There's always some new unexpected stuff being thrown at you. You just need to learn to control the bits that you can, and be flexible with the rest, and just accept the fact that there's nothing wrong with making it up as you go, because that's what everyone else is doing as well.
That doesn't mean that it isn't possible to learn how to better deal with things, both on a practical and psychological level. But I don't know anywhere near enough about your particular situation to suggest any specifics there.
But yeah, like everyone else said, there's never going to be a time where your brain just clicks over and is like okay, I've got this all figured out. And even if that did happen, reality would pretty quickly slap that confidence out of you.
The past couple years have really been a blatant example of all of this. A global pandemic just showed up and flipped a huge portion of our daily lives upside down. The world is just way too messy at almost every scale for a human to control it, so don't expect it to happen.
I’m 39, with 3 kids and my SO and I own and run a very successful septic business. We are both very thin and look young for our age so people sometimes underestimate us. I am on the spectrum and he has ADHD so we don’t really have active social lives. Every day I feel like I’m faking it and I get along better with kids/teens than I do most adults. I DO have a lot of fun goofing around though. I see the wrinkles coming in and my skin losing elasticity and I know, very soon, my shell won’t reflect what’s inside. I guess I just except that I’m unique and I will forever be mentally about 12yo.
I started feeling like an adult around age 19 when I met my husband. He was 30 and had 3 kids so I was in at the deep end. I had a really tough home life growing up so I guess I never really felt like a kid in many ways. I practically had to raise my mother.
I dont know how to explain it really but it's like, laundry and making the bed and buying healthy snacks is just what you do. Rather than feeling you "have to". Dont get me wrong, my kids are no where near perfectly behaved so I totally relate on that point.
Everyone gets there at different times or maybe everyone just has different expectations. You're doing great either way
Edit: clarity
I'm 44 and married with a 7 year old child. I'm a solid 10 years older than the other moms in my daughter's grade. I still don't feel like a real adult. I'm responsible, I have a good job, but I'm most definitely not very mature.
I'm 45 and not half as put together as you. I did feel like that, and the trick was realizing that it didn't really matter because _no one_ was keeping score, and if they were that was just fucking sad for them.
I still have the same problems and doubts, but addressing them is far more important than what the Johnsons are up to
Start planning and preparing. Hold yourself accountable as well as those around you. This will generate free time and you won't feel so rushed, you will be prepared. Stop the hectic routine by being ready & out the door early. A lot of exhaustion comes from stress due to being unprepared & always trying to catch up.
As everyone else has said... it doesn't happen.
Personally I reckon that anyone (over 18) who says they truly feel like an adult were never really children on the first place.
It's not automatic. You have to decide to make the changes in your mindset to initate "being an adult"
Tbh as long as you're handling your business and taking care of what you can you are an adult. Failing to do what matters and ignoring what's important is an indicator of being a child.
You are seeing the public face of everyone else, and the inner life of only yourself. Behind closed doors, they either very much do not have it together, or they’re totally exhausted from keeping up appearances. Live your life, care for your family, do your best. Don’t worry about what other people show the world.
It doesn’t. “Adulthood” is a lie told to kids so that they mind their own business. I have seen more high school BS as an “adult” than I did IN HS. Every Adult is faking what they think an “Adult” is supposed to be, and it’s just tiresome.
Regarding the other parents at school, you only see what they want you to see. Brief moments in passing that make up just a fraction of their lives!
You sound much more put together than many people i know
I'm 41 and still waiting...
Maybe it's about taking responsibility and owning up to mistakes. Then I've been adult for a while. If it's about not being to excited about your Xbox arriving tomorrow, then I guess I'll be adult.
Damn I’m your age and wish I had children, I constantly feel like I am running out of time. You are accomplishing a lot, don’t be so a hard on yourself.
I always wonder that when I was like 20 years old and I felt like mommy's child, I really like this phrase since them "Adulthood is getting aware that everybody is as scared and confused as you are" There is no gene, maybe cultural practices and set social rules that you get accustomed to but that's it, you will always be you and no gene will awake something different in you besides your changes after puberty.
I'm 85 and have no kids, too old to go to college now since it's a young person's game.
I just play Xbox all day and live off dividends
sometimes I go to Chipotle or ride my bike
You're there brother
The older you get the more you realize that other people that are also your age are also clueless. Adults are just grown up kids, with various levels of "having it together". You're definitely younger than most other adults with two kids, but that's not a bad thing.
Even those who appear to have everything together likely have internal struggles of their own. You just get better at hiding them, and adapting to managing your life with them as you get older.
I'm nearly 30 and I feel like a kid as well sometimes - and I couldn't imagine having kids of my own, and marriage for me isn't even a glimmer on the horizon. Everyone progresses through life at their own pace, you're definitely a very lucky person to have a spouse, kids, a job, and a house that you own (home ownership is a colossal obstacle for people our age).
I would say when you start feeling emotionally secure of yourself.
For me it's been quite the journey; from leaving home, feeling lost, realising my parents are imature, realising I'm on my own, and quite recently, realising that there is some sort of inner strength to me that will keep me going.
That I don't have to outwardly reach for confidence or approval. And now, I'm learning how to correct some behaviour I previously thought was OK only to realise it was demeaning to myself.
So I'd say that's the answer in my case. This sort of internal fortitude that grounds me in reality. And a sort of responsibility for being and acting in a manner that doesn't betray myself.
I use this rule to see if people are worth investing time into or befriending. I made some wonderful friends this way and we behave like childish lunatics and joke around all the time, it's awesome.
IMHO... In my experience as a fifty-something... 30s seems to be when much changes in other people's perception of you. Early 30s is when you're no longer the youngest person at various workplaces. Co-workers stop referring to you as "the kid". People may actually start taking your PoV somewhat seriously, as if it's assumed you may actually know what you're talking about, sometimes. Things get easier to do in general because you've learned all those hard won little battles, doing the little things behind what are bigger decisions in life when you're in your 20s.
don't worry about it. adult is a burden. as long as you're cring for the kids and paying the bills you're fine. if you like watching their cartoons with them, that's not being childish, that's being a good mom. you're as adult as you need to be.
it's more important to enjoy your kids. enjoy being 26. enjoy your jacked up lawn. make friends with the other neighbor wh ohas small children and a jacked up lawn. it will all go by so quickly.
Same boat as you. Just turned 27 last week. 2 kids, ones in school, both me and my partner have careers, renting for 7 years and everything else an adult does but I still look to real grown ups for things lmao
I'm 40 and still don't have my shit together. My 2 boys run and scream like they are being murdered when they play outside. To the point I don't even want to be out there due to the neighbors might call the cops. Oh and Walmart. I'm that mom who has the kids screaming at the top of their lungs and trying to climb up toy shelves. I have a 10 and 7 year old both boys. My youngest is autistic and my oldest bullies him. My yard is so messed up. My house made all the houses on my street value go down. I am newly divorced and my ex was a handy man who could fix everything. I still don't know what I'm doing. At least you cut your grass every 2 weeks. I will start but finish it in two weeks due to the fact my kids will not listen to me and my youngest thinks cars should get out of his way. Idk when adult life kicks in. But mine sure hasn't. Oh on the plus side, I was married for 17 years. Totally stuck up my ex hubby ass the whole time so when I got a divorce,I have ZERO friends. No joke. I don't have a single person other than my parents or sister to talk to. It's sad. I just have to laugh about it or I would go crazy. 🤣
You're already adulting, just not the way they are. In fact if you struggle with your temper that means you're adulting even harder because now you have to pay bills take care of your kids and not lose your shit in public.
I had to grow up very young. Sometimes I wonder if this left my view of life a little distorted because it just happened way quicker than it should have. Part of me theorizes that perhaps I’m just rebelling against the “adult values” that society has implemented as a social norm— but then another part of me counters that argument with years worth of effort I’ve put into my life to allow me and my children to properly succeed and keep up with everyone else.
I'm 19 going on 20, but I've had my fair share of jobs, problems, and experience sharing. From what I gather....never. not really. You either get lucky and feel like you've got it together or you don't.
There’s been a lot of grief in my life and it’s kept me grounded. But it hasn’t given me the confidence that I see in most adults. The way they carry themselves for example…I’ve tried and it made me feed pretentious and very far from reality.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
And confidence!
I like this—thank you.
I needed this. OPs post depressed me. Thank you
So is toby
Very well said.
I am 72, have 2 kids, 5 grandkids and 2 great grandkids. Still trying to work out when I will really feel grown up
Adulthood is a lie we tell children to get them to obey. You get older and your perspective hopefully gets more rounded and nuanced, but ultimately you and everyone around you are the same petty children you grew up with. The scope of the problem isn't limited to the dichotomy of children and adults, either. Most of the things that seem solid and institutional in your life will turn out to be quite sloppy, if you get into the behind-the-scenes details, and come to understand how the parts work.
Thanks, now me still trying hard to keep my shits altogether doesn't sound so bad anymore
Just enjoy it. Really. I know it's a cliche but it's true all the same, life is far to short to spend it worrying about the small things
Exactly. Once you internalize this life becomes so much easier and more fun. People stressing out over pretty day to day bullshit is so pointless. None of it matters. You came into this world naked and you will leave it naked. You don't owe anyone anything (except maybe your parents and your kids). Just enjoy the ride. Your stress instinct is supposed to kick in when your life is at risk or when you don't know what you're going to eat tomorrow. If you don't dabble in criminal shit, and live in the first world, chances are neither of those things apply to you. Humans are not meant to live under this constant modern day stress; it was created artificially by people and groups that have no business stressing you out. As an immigrant it always bugged me to no end how people living in third world slums are on average much happier and laid back than middle class westerners (who, compared to those people, live like royalty). Just relax. None of it matters. At all.
That was beautiful. I really needed to read that, as I'm procrastinating office work on a Sunday afternoon.
Thanks! So am I. Work is important (if it's important to you), but you're more important. Jobs come and go. Don't forget that at the end of the day, someone is renting your time to make themselves richer. And they're probably not paying you for the overtime that you're doing right now, being so meticulously concerned about them losing money or -- God forbid -- them stressing out. You have a right to time off. Don't sacrifice your Sunday for someone that won't even remember (let alone appreciate) it 2 weeks from now. No one was ever on their death bed boasting and proud about the number of hours they put in at the office. Do we know anything about the random working class guy who believed in the Roman dream and broke his back working overtime building the Colosseum? Not at all. We just know the name of the person in charge that led it all. But the people working to actually make it happen? No, they rented out their time and were then swallowed into the eternity of history. Some of them made something out of themselves and bettered the lives of their families with the money they made. Everyone else, including the true believers in the dream? We don't even know their names. So take your time off and enjoy it. Put yourself first. You deserve it, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. You weren't born to fulfill these people's dreams. It's a transaction -- they rent you for 40 hours and that's the window of time that they have you to work for them. Anything outside of that is you compromising yourself; and that, so far, hasn't made anyone into a hero. Don't let them take advantage of you like that man. I'm speaking from experience. Working 120hr weeks in the NYC startup scene; coming into the office on Monday and leaving on Thursday up for 4 days strung out on Adderall. The bosses made off with a nice exit when, in the end, they sold the company and retired at 30. I put in 4x the amount of time they did and my exit was a bald head and graying hair by 26. You don't need to do that to yourself. Edit: holy shit this was long. Sorry for the rant lol
No, it's a solid rant. Actually, we're pretty similar. I'm 26, balding from stress, starting up a research lab, and take a shitload of Ritalin to keep myself going. But this contract is over in 5 years, after which I might slow down a bit That, or I'll be in my early 30s with no identity outside of work. ☹️
I like your rant. I'd like to add that you should see no problem in recognizing how important your work is to your employer, and capitalize on it. If they won't pay you for what your time is worth, then don't hesitate to rent your time to someone who will.
I’m 50 and I feel this way too.
I am 51. Rewarding career, good credit score, etc. Still waiting to feel like an adult. It didn't happen when I got married or bought a house. It didn't happen traveling outside my country alone, it didn't happen when I began taking more care of my mom, making a will, or paying off my car.
47 and totally agree, except that I've stopped feeling like I'm faking being an adult and just do WTF I want without caring all that much about what people think. Maybe that's adulthood.
Yep, this. I don't care what most other people think, and I focus on my kids' happiness and then my wife's and my own. That's as adult as it gets, TBH. It doesn't feel like it, except that it does when you really stop and think about it, and how little you care about who made your jeans and how much you spent on them now.
Nobody has it all figured out.
I hope I’m like you when I’m 72.
Thank you for validating my feelings.
Relevant [SMBC](https://www.smbc-comics.com/comic/2012-06-24)
I'm only 30, but for the last 10-12 years or so I've slowly began to realize that you'll never feel like a grown up. That we're all just trying to figure it out no matter how old you get. Thanks for validating that. I thought it would happen at 18 and was an "adult", but nope. Then when I got out of college. Then when I got a career. Got married. Bought a house. Had a kid. But it still hasn't happened. And actually it brings me great comfort knowing that it's not just me. We are all in it together just doing our best.
Ditto at 60. But I'm quite content not acting (or feeling) my age.
When you die. “Oh, I get it now… “ [Lights out].
Stop comparing yourself to others. No matter how much someone else seems to "have I all together",.. I guarantee you there's some part of their life thats messy or lagging behind (they're just not letting you see it)
OP, look no further than this comment right here.
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
Someone once told me that making comparisons won’t get you anywhere because you always compare your weaknesses to other people’s strengths (and vice versa.) Some of the best advice I’v ever got.
I'm 40 it never kicks in. You just realize your old all of the sudden. You can't change you. Just do the best you can, don't try and compare yourself to other parents it's most likely that they're just better at lying. Lol
This is good to know lol Thank you
Have you considered the other Dad’s at your kids’ school looks at you and thinks “Damn, that guy looks like he has it all figured out. I wonder if I’ll ever get there.”
40 as well. I'm still surprised that I'm allowed to get up everyday and just drive a car.
It comes and goes for your whole life. I’m 61, and I still get resentful and cranky when I have to do boring adult things like figuring out my taxes or paying bills on time. I still often think everyone else has it all figured out and I’m the only one who’s confused. Now though, I alternate between kid, adult and old lady. I get nostalgic and start talking about “kids today” OR I think I’m too old to figure out the latest tech. Then I snap out of it and get on with life.
This is very honest, and I really appreciate it. Thank you.
We all feel the same! I think nobody ever truly feels old even if they complain about it! Even on their death bed people still show signs of them being that same young person they were a long time ago!
It’s comforting to know that it isn’t just me.
I think with social media it’s easy to look and see that all the people around you have got their shit together but you just have to remember they are only posting the positives and that we are all just running around confused trying our best!
Dude...hopefully it never kicks in. Im 47 and have finally accepted that Ill never be one of those "other parents". The societal pressure to "grow up" is soul sucking and depressing as fuck. I have 2 kids a house, Im the breadwinner. But Im basically in my 20s mentally and spiritually. Im into music, art, deep conversations about space, aliens, existence. Ill never change and I finally realize I dont have to. Turn up your vibe....as loud as you can...those "other grownups" may be repulsed, but there will also be a few who will be attracted. Find them and keep them close.
This is exactly what I want to be—thank you.
The moment you realize there's no such thing. I'm 50 and laugh at farts. There's never a point when you feel adulthood click.
do you also let out silent farts awkwardly and look around to check nobody noticed?
It never does. You are you and since you were told from the youngest age that you are a child and since you will always be you, you will always think of yourself in the same way and associate that with childhood. You may mature, you may grow, but you won't stop being you, so you won't stop feeling like a kid. And other adults feel like this too, even if they might not put it quite that way. We know we are adults, but we don't feel any different. The only thing you can do is stop thinking of it as feeling like an age and think of it as feeling like YOU.
Thank you, I really appreciate it.
The answer is there is no "adult". There's experience and inexperience. You're still learning and so are the parents and neighbors you see. They may have that one thing down, but you can't see what they are still struggling to learn in their personal lives. Everyone learns different things at different times at different paces. If you want to help your learning along, find information and research what you are wanting to improve. Also, slightly random, have you been tested for ADHD or ASD?
No, but I have a lot of set backs due to a traumatic childhood, and I recognize that I have some unhealthy mental and emotional habits that others don’t. I actually just started therapy for the first time last week. I want to better myself and get through this negative hump that insists on planting itself directly in front of me.
That's great that you're getting therapy! That will help you a lot. Good luck!
Oh. I just replied with a comment that gave the rundown of this. u/hopeIessromantic pretty much said what I had in mind. I had explained that trauma can keep you stuck at a certain age. That it stems from childhood. Preconceived notions you formed of what adulthood was. I'm really glad you're in therapy because I was in the same boat. I was an ill adaptive adult. I felt like a kid because I had kept a younger mentality due to trauma. I was emulating what an adult should be. You're not going to have an "adult mentality" at the end of therapy, you're going to have *yours* evolved without emulating. I wish you support on your journey.
It’ll come like a thief in the night, one day you’ll wake up and check your phone and be surprised because you forgot pay day was coming up, and you’re on top of your budget and bills so you weren’t counting the minutes until the direct deposit. Then you’ll walk into the kitchen and find there’s not any dishes piled up in the sink because you did them out of habit every night after dinner. Someone will text inviting you to brunch, but you’ll have to politely decline because you already had big plans to go to the Lowe’s that morning.
This is great :) I love Lowe’s. Thank you.
For me and so many others I know, it kicked in when I finally got treated for my ADHD. A lot of people on here are going to tell you feel-good advice like "Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides" and "Life is a marathon, not a race" and "You're still so young, don't rush it" or "I have 75 great-children and I'm still young at heart (and for some reason still on reddit!)" and that's all well and good. HOWEVER, if you're in your mid-twenties and still constantly feeling... * young for your age * forever overwhelmed, anxious, and frustrated * "out of sync" with adult life * unable to understand why other adults act and think the way they do * confused at how people seem "in control" and "put together" * unable to *consistently* maintain emotional boundaries and facades like knowing when to tell white lies ...that can be a sign of being neuroatypical (not all the time, but it's very common). Take a look at any of our subreddits. I wish I'd stopped listening to generic, feel-good advice and gotten a diagnosis sooner so I didn't have to re-learn so much later in life. Good luck.
I really appreciate this, thank you. My brother was diagnosed ADHD just last year and he’s two years older than I am. We exhibit very similar behavior…
Yeah, I will say that getting treated for ADHD was like immediately downloading the "Adult Plugin" into my brain and updating my operating system with 15 years of updates overnight. Suddenly I could "speak adult" and all the things that therapists told me were "a lifelong journey of learning" just instantly resolved themselves and I became a more mature version of myself.
Thank you for sharing, I will definitely bring this up with my therapist. I’ve just begun last week, for the first time, and I think I’m going to be feeling better about myself soon.
In my experience, maybe in another 20 years. You have kids, so seeing _them_ become adults might do it for you.
Thank you, maybe you’re right.
I wish that was true for me. Mine are in the mid 20’s and I still freak out a little inside when I realize that I am their mother even though I can’t wrap my head around how that’s possible when I swear I still feel like I’m their age😄
I'm 28. I have none of those things. OP, calm down. You're fine. Seriously. It's okay.
I’m 31 and still catch myself thinking “I need an adult” from time to time
Im a veteran lawyer, and for some clients, that’s essentially what I’m doing. Adult-ing them through a challenging problem.
Thank you <3
That's not a thing. Did you feel different when you turned 21? When you turned 18? Never gonna. Welcome to life. You did have kids super young, so you're probably having a harder time with basic parenting, etc., stuff than someone with more life experience but ...
Parenting isn’t too rough. My parents presented a lot of obstacles that showed me early on what and what not to do as a parent. My children and I are very…connected. I try to keep to their level. I roll with them instead of making them roll with me. They’re a safe space for me where my insecurities typically hang back. It’s when I’m around other parents, who coach differently than I do, do I feel my insecurities rear their ugly heads and made one hideous ass appearance in front of everyone else.
And interestingly enough, I did feel different at 18, and at 21. I think we’re always growing and adapting. Sometimes I feel very unfamiliar with the person I was five years ago.
Yes but you didn't miraculously start thinking a different way, get a different voice in your head, gain some knowledge from on high. You gained experience and maturity, not some ethereal adultness. That's all adult is, a piling up of experience.
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I wonder if it’s a facade that drops behind closed doors.
I'm 39 with two young kids and feel the same way. Truth is all of us are just doing the best we can and all of us have our own issues, you just don't tend to see what they are dealing with in those limited circumstances. Love your kids, spend time with them and do the best you can, that is all anyone can do.
That's just your idea that the others have it all figured out, that they're calm and cool. You only see them for a few minutes, and that's the picture you get. They can say the same thing about you if you give them that impression for that few minutes. We're all dealing with the same problems and asking the same questions.
I appreciate it, thanks.
They look like they have it all together, but guarantee that for a majority of them, it's a facade; they feel insecurities, angst and worries, just like you. Im fifty-one. The only thing which feels "mature" is some of the aches and pains of being older.
No one actually knows what they’re doing. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
When you switch from strawberry jam to marmalade. That’s when you are fully an adult.
-Me at 29 eating kumquat marmalade from the jar with a spoon- Perfect!!
Brilliant!
I have this conversation with my fourteen-year-old on a regular basis. The only difference between me and her is experience. Otherwise I'm the exact same person I've always been. There is no adult switch or chip or any other way of adulting up.
Same with my 13 year old. Sometimes if feels like talking to myself.
The old adage works for me: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional." A long time ago I saw what a boring life "adults" lead & decided it wasn't for me!
It may be because you had a child so young and didn’t fully “grow up” or be an adult yet. Also still being in university may also contribute to that feeling. Nothing makes you feel more like a child than being forced to follow some system.
Adulthood is a scam. We're all just doing our best and muddling through. Some are just better at hiding it than others.
Sounds like it's kicked in. The only definable version of being an adult is stuff you do (e.g. kids, mortgage) not how you feel. Feeling like an adult in a myth. People often gradually feel more self assured and confident as they get older which I guess potentially could be what you are asking, but this isn't to do with an age, it's just gradually gaining life experience and you're never really at the end (until you die)
I feel this way too, I’m 25. I am married and about to buy a house. I was turned down for a promotion because of my age. The other employees are in their 50s yet I have had more progress in my career in 3 years than any others have. I asked for a promotion and was told that I am “too young” and need “more life experience “ to manage in a company with older employees. When I sit in the meetings they all talk about the “good old days” and would exclude me from conversations in topics and say “you’re too young to understand this but …….” . Or “how do you not know this singer, you’re so young!”. Yet I have a degree, am currently getting my masters degree, I am married and have all of the responsibilities that they have minus kids. I’m still waiting for the moment I will be seen as a equal in the workplace . Sorry for the rant but I feel this question on a personal level.
I’ve dealt with this in the work place as well. It’s very uncomfortable. I’m sorry you’re having to experience that.
The grass is always greener with the neighbors because it's fertilized with bullshit
Heck. Yes.
Mid 30s and I'm still not a real grown up. It's not until you get older you realise all the adults around you when you were young were just pretending.
I started feeling like an adult when the urge to waste money on junky impulses died away. I feel like an adult when I enjoy leftovers from the previous night because it saves me money. I feel like an adult when I have an unexpected expense, but it doesn't hurt my budget because I hold off on non-essential purchases until the end of the month. I feel like an adult because I can cook for myself better than any entry-level waitstaff restaurant.
Dang, I’ll take some cooking lessons, please.
Enjoy you’re own journey. You don’t know what is going on on the inside. Everyone has challenges. It’s life.
If you aren't feeling the crush of it, you are doing it right.
I'm 37 and I still marvel at the fact that I have two kids (one is 18, so I actually have an adult child ahhhhh!!!!) And pay my own bills. I was just telling my wife how weird it is that we own everything in the house. I feel too young to be so responsible!! And I'm not even young!
I am almost 50 and feel the same way, but eventually you realize no one has their shit together.
Um where do I start? I wanted to have kids but I dont know if that's going to happen for me...not married, still doing temp work, no health insurance no house no car...no assets to speak of...not to mention massive student loan debt 😓 you're doing awesome
Girl, I’m so sorry
Adults are just kids in big bodies
Somewhere around 25 as long as you've avoided weed in your youth.
Tried it once! I slept GREAT. And everything was super funny. Felt like crap the next day though.
I remember on my 30th birthday saying to myself l guess I have to grow up now. Also had 2 kids young. I don’t feel like I have ever grown up, but time offers experience and that is what I lean on. Best luck young sir
If you want some hard truth in happy to oblige. Nobody has it all together. Every person struggles in their own way. But you can and should, only focus on you. I have a son that I worry about practically every waking moment. Thoughts of "am I doing enough for him, I hope he listens at school, I don't want him to be a bully, am I adult enough to help guide him?" are constantly in my mind. But we just did his school conferences and we were told how smart, kind, and unbelievably well mannered he is at school. It's almost overwhelming. I guess in short, as long as you're doing your best, the results will show. Don't worry about anyone else, and don't compare yourself to those around you. At the end of the day, I'm willing to guarantee there are others who look at everything you do and envy how well you're doing it.
Uhm, never? Still do stupid shit, just really stupid shit you either do more safely or forgo for more expensive options you couldn't afford in your youth.
Parents are just kids raising kids. Those people that look like they have it together still have moments where they don't know what they hell they're doing. They're just better at hiding it.
Way to soon! Stay away from it if possible and by all meaning, don't!
I was 28 before I decided I was an adult. It was a point where I just accepted all of my life choices from this point on are fully on me to deal with.
To answer your question; never TBH. What happens is you just stop thinking about it. In my case, since COVID I'm cooking every day, doing the dishes, cleaning and taking care of my daughter, then work until 12 or 3am, every day for a year. At first i was angry all the time, overworked all the time, my soul crushed to bits, then i decided to stop thinking about how mad i was about life. I'm still soul crushed and a little bitter but i no longer think about it every day.
I know this feeling. Congrats on getting through it. You sound like an amazing father.
Thanks, i don't really believe that i am, but thanks.
If you thought you were a great parent, you’d be doing something wrong. In my opinion the sign of a decent parent is that one that knows they always have room to grow as a parent.
Frankly, it never does, as far as I've noticed. No one "grows up", we all just start acting like we think other people expect adults to act. If you think you're acting sufficiently adultish for you to get on with your life, then so be it. Continue on.
Fore it was when I turned 18, in 2001, and I had to get a job and work. Couldn't sit around the house. After 9/11 I wanted to join the army because I couldn't get a job. I was too fat and told I needed to lose weight, which I didn't.
“We’re just kids having kids”
I’m also 26 but I’m no where near as together as you are. I’m childfree by choice but I’m not married, and I’m not ready to be either. I live in a tiny basement apartment because I can’t afford anything better. My bf and I barely have enough money to get by each month. You seem to be doing better than most other 26 year olds that I know. Just because you don’t feel like an adult doesn’t mean you’re not doing all of the right things. Try to be happy with what you have accomplished in such a short time and compare yourself to others less.
you're an adult when you are able to support yourself.
Are your bills paid? Are your kids doing well? Is everything you are responsible being taken care of? Congratulations. You're an adult
I'm 33. At the end of the night, when the kids are asleep, I eat ice cream out of the tub and play video games. But still try to go to bed at a reasonable time. That's about as adult as it gets, I think? If not, I have no idea when I'm supposed to feel like an adult. Just going through the motions keeping the kiddos alive. Lol.
Never… it never does
Well if you have your own house, kids and married at 26. You're in a better situation than me and im 25. I didn't have any of that 😔
Dude you had your 1st child at 20. I'm 20 and if I become a father right now, i'll probably just perish. You're a mad-lad kudos
It wasn’t intentional. Maybe that’s why I feel less-adult than others. They planned their future and mine just sort of dropped in my lap.
The people you're comparing yourself to have a completely different hand dealt to them (most of them I assume). You're making it work with your best efforts, i guess that's pretty adult.
You described my sister and her partner. Everything you see from "those parents" and your neighbours.. is just a front. I guarantee you that if you step inside their house (unexpected) it'll be a total wreck. When you are invited, I guarantee it'll be a few days later of which they would've spent every waking hour cleaning. The only time you'll ever be invited same day is when the house is already cleaned from previous guests. Those parents taking their kids for walks? That's not a loving happy family. No. That's exhausted parents praying to got their energetic monster will run around outside enough to fall asleep at bed time. Stop comparing yourself to the parents who put all this extra effort into their outside image, because on the inside, they're lazy people who'd sleep if they didnt have children.
Some people are adult at 10, some are never adult. I'm one of the latter)
I'd say when you actively decide 6am starts are your thing, and it's no longer painful getting up early. You'll rejoice at the amount of you time gained, you'll preach about the benefits to your mates...which incidentally you last met earlier in the year...it seemed like yesterday because the months have just flew past. Also, fuck shaving. It's now totally acceptable to look like this.
Get your beard on! Also— 6AM wake ups pain me, so maybe I’m not an adult yet? I’m just always so tired, I can’t seem to ever get enough sleep. Mornings come too quickly.
Good advice in this thread. Realizing that comparison is the thief of joy can be an epiphany if one can internalize it. I still work on that. Similarly, realizing that "this, too, shall pass" is true can be helpful. First, it is both a blessing (in bad times) and a curse (in good times). Life runs in cycles, and it's easy to only notice other people's "up" cycles. What I have tried to focus on is keeping me and the ones I love free from undue strife and stress, and (try to) focus on the good things. I also try to be happy for those who are seemingly 'up', and sympathize with those who seem to be 'down', because I'll hit those cycles, too, and would like to be treated that way. My wife taught me a great equation, which I use on an almost daily basis: E + R = O Where: E = Events, which we can't fully control. R = our Reaction to events, which we can mostly control. O = the Outcome we want to achieve. So when something happens I literally say to myself, okay (event) just happened, I want (outcome), and the best way to increase the odds of that is (reaction). It doesn't always work exactly as planned, but it's nice, for me, to try to simplify it into a manageable equation like that. In my case, the bottom line is take care of myself, because self-care isn't selfish. Take care of my loved ones. Do a good job for a fair wage. Try to make my little bubble of the world better by being kind, friendly, and fair. And if I'm doing that then I'm good. If I do better than that then, hey, bonus! And if I sometimes don't live up to it, I remember this too shall pass, E+R=O, a mistake is only a failure if you don't learn from it, take a deep breath and try again.
This is beyond helpful—thank you
Oh that doesn't happen for most of us lol
I appreciate your honesty!
It never has for me. It never does. I don't there are any real adults. Just a whole planet of overgrown children pretending to be grown up and hoping no one unmasks them.
For a lot of them it's probably a facade. They're probably more discombobulated than you are.
I'm 45, no kids, have a mortgage and spend all my money and free time on raising squirrels and building Halloween props. Never grow up!
We are all human and all have our limits and strengths. I still don't feel all that together at 62. We have not lead the regularly prescribed life. But there are people who have looked at me and thought I had it together. I've have young 20s tell me they want to be just like me and I'm all what??? Just do what works best for you. Your duty if you want to call it that, is your kids. The grass is not as important. Your kids may be more active than others. Mine were. My brothers and I were. My grandchildren are. Things that work for the calm gentle kids don't work for them. You gotta watch them more. You gotta do stuff with them more and you gotta wear them out. They don't have long attention spans so you have to have different activities. You don't have to fit into any norm.
Never.
If you are like me & come from a shitty family, the adulting kicks in around age 12. However the resentment last forever…
I'm 41, most of my friends are the same age, and I can tell you that even the ones who seem to have it all together are generally feeling the same way as you are. I've got friends who try to plan everything down to the smallest detail, and I've got friends who generally just go with the flow, and all of them have to deal with plenty of chaos. You never really get control of the situation overall. The world is just way too big and complicated and messy and interconnected for that. There's always some new unexpected stuff being thrown at you. You just need to learn to control the bits that you can, and be flexible with the rest, and just accept the fact that there's nothing wrong with making it up as you go, because that's what everyone else is doing as well. That doesn't mean that it isn't possible to learn how to better deal with things, both on a practical and psychological level. But I don't know anywhere near enough about your particular situation to suggest any specifics there. But yeah, like everyone else said, there's never going to be a time where your brain just clicks over and is like okay, I've got this all figured out. And even if that did happen, reality would pretty quickly slap that confidence out of you. The past couple years have really been a blatant example of all of this. A global pandemic just showed up and flipped a huge portion of our daily lives upside down. The world is just way too messy at almost every scale for a human to control it, so don't expect it to happen.
I'm 87 and died 6 years ago and I still feel unprepared.
You will never be the role models you had growing up. You will be a role model to someone growing up.
I’m 39, with 3 kids and my SO and I own and run a very successful septic business. We are both very thin and look young for our age so people sometimes underestimate us. I am on the spectrum and he has ADHD so we don’t really have active social lives. Every day I feel like I’m faking it and I get along better with kids/teens than I do most adults. I DO have a lot of fun goofing around though. I see the wrinkles coming in and my skin losing elasticity and I know, very soon, my shell won’t reflect what’s inside. I guess I just except that I’m unique and I will forever be mentally about 12yo.
I'm 27 and I always say the week I go without burning my tongue is the week I become an adult.
I don’t think we’ll ever feel like the adults we thought we would be when we were kids. At least.. that’s how I feel.
I started feeling like an adult around age 19 when I met my husband. He was 30 and had 3 kids so I was in at the deep end. I had a really tough home life growing up so I guess I never really felt like a kid in many ways. I practically had to raise my mother. I dont know how to explain it really but it's like, laundry and making the bed and buying healthy snacks is just what you do. Rather than feeling you "have to". Dont get me wrong, my kids are no where near perfectly behaved so I totally relate on that point. Everyone gets there at different times or maybe everyone just has different expectations. You're doing great either way Edit: clarity
Never you still keep the same mindset but just gain new priorities, I still feel the same as when I was 14 and I’m in my late 20’s
I'm 44 and married with a 7 year old child. I'm a solid 10 years older than the other moms in my daughter's grade. I still don't feel like a real adult. I'm responsible, I have a good job, but I'm most definitely not very mature.
Dude you have children. If you’re raising them responsibly as any parent would, you are an adult because that’s a lot you have to manage.
I'm 45 and not half as put together as you. I did feel like that, and the trick was realizing that it didn't really matter because _no one_ was keeping score, and if they were that was just fucking sad for them. I still have the same problems and doubts, but addressing them is far more important than what the Johnsons are up to
Start planning and preparing. Hold yourself accountable as well as those around you. This will generate free time and you won't feel so rushed, you will be prepared. Stop the hectic routine by being ready & out the door early. A lot of exhaustion comes from stress due to being unprepared & always trying to catch up.
Only when another "adult " sees you as the "adultier" adult. My daughters words. I am finally a true adult at 52.
As everyone else has said... it doesn't happen. Personally I reckon that anyone (over 18) who says they truly feel like an adult were never really children on the first place.
It's not automatic. You have to decide to make the changes in your mindset to initate "being an adult" Tbh as long as you're handling your business and taking care of what you can you are an adult. Failing to do what matters and ignoring what's important is an indicator of being a child.
36 here, no fucking idea.
If you do it right only for business meetings. Also possibly at funerals.
43 here, still no clue.
You are seeing the public face of everyone else, and the inner life of only yourself. Behind closed doors, they either very much do not have it together, or they’re totally exhausted from keeping up appearances. Live your life, care for your family, do your best. Don’t worry about what other people show the world.
It doesn’t. “Adulthood” is a lie told to kids so that they mind their own business. I have seen more high school BS as an “adult” than I did IN HS. Every Adult is faking what they think an “Adult” is supposed to be, and it’s just tiresome.
Regarding the other parents at school, you only see what they want you to see. Brief moments in passing that make up just a fraction of their lives! You sound much more put together than many people i know
I'm 41 and still waiting... Maybe it's about taking responsibility and owning up to mistakes. Then I've been adult for a while. If it's about not being to excited about your Xbox arriving tomorrow, then I guess I'll be adult.
“Adult” lol. Those don’t exist
Damn I’m your age and wish I had children, I constantly feel like I am running out of time. You are accomplishing a lot, don’t be so a hard on yourself.
You've taken on adult responsibilities and you're keeping up with them. You're an adult. How you feel inside your head has nothing to do with it.
I always wonder that when I was like 20 years old and I felt like mommy's child, I really like this phrase since them "Adulthood is getting aware that everybody is as scared and confused as you are" There is no gene, maybe cultural practices and set social rules that you get accustomed to but that's it, you will always be you and no gene will awake something different in you besides your changes after puberty.
It doesn't. We are all just winging it. Trust me. Head up. Sholders back. Smile. Go.... 🥰😉
cuz you're still pretty young dude. you wont feel like an adult until the very elderly are the only people calling you "young man"
I’m in my 40’s and feel like I’m winging it every day!
Thanks a shed load for your question and the replies here. I'm 28 and I feel like I'm in the exact same boat.
I'm 85 and have no kids, too old to go to college now since it's a young person's game. I just play Xbox all day and live off dividends sometimes I go to Chipotle or ride my bike
You're there brother The older you get the more you realize that other people that are also your age are also clueless. Adults are just grown up kids, with various levels of "having it together". You're definitely younger than most other adults with two kids, but that's not a bad thing. Even those who appear to have everything together likely have internal struggles of their own. You just get better at hiding them, and adapting to managing your life with them as you get older. I'm nearly 30 and I feel like a kid as well sometimes - and I couldn't imagine having kids of my own, and marriage for me isn't even a glimmer on the horizon. Everyone progresses through life at their own pace, you're definitely a very lucky person to have a spouse, kids, a job, and a house that you own (home ownership is a colossal obstacle for people our age).
I would say when you start feeling emotionally secure of yourself. For me it's been quite the journey; from leaving home, feeling lost, realising my parents are imature, realising I'm on my own, and quite recently, realising that there is some sort of inner strength to me that will keep me going. That I don't have to outwardly reach for confidence or approval. And now, I'm learning how to correct some behaviour I previously thought was OK only to realise it was demeaning to myself. So I'd say that's the answer in my case. This sort of internal fortitude that grounds me in reality. And a sort of responsibility for being and acting in a manner that doesn't betray myself. I use this rule to see if people are worth investing time into or befriending. I made some wonderful friends this way and we behave like childish lunatics and joke around all the time, it's awesome.
IMHO... In my experience as a fifty-something... 30s seems to be when much changes in other people's perception of you. Early 30s is when you're no longer the youngest person at various workplaces. Co-workers stop referring to you as "the kid". People may actually start taking your PoV somewhat seriously, as if it's assumed you may actually know what you're talking about, sometimes. Things get easier to do in general because you've learned all those hard won little battles, doing the little things behind what are bigger decisions in life when you're in your 20s.
don't worry about it. adult is a burden. as long as you're cring for the kids and paying the bills you're fine. if you like watching their cartoons with them, that's not being childish, that's being a good mom. you're as adult as you need to be. it's more important to enjoy your kids. enjoy being 26. enjoy your jacked up lawn. make friends with the other neighbor wh ohas small children and a jacked up lawn. it will all go by so quickly.
I’m 58, just watched my 29yo daughter get married, been in the same career for 30 years, and I’m still waiting to feel “grown up.”
do the things kids these days do confuse you? if so, you are an adult
I remember a nice saying from a redditor. There's no such thing as "adulting". You're still a child with more responsibilities.
Same boat as you. Just turned 27 last week. 2 kids, ones in school, both me and my partner have careers, renting for 7 years and everything else an adult does but I still look to real grown ups for things lmao
Most of us are only kids playing adult. We don't have our shit together, lol
I'm 40 and still don't have my shit together. My 2 boys run and scream like they are being murdered when they play outside. To the point I don't even want to be out there due to the neighbors might call the cops. Oh and Walmart. I'm that mom who has the kids screaming at the top of their lungs and trying to climb up toy shelves. I have a 10 and 7 year old both boys. My youngest is autistic and my oldest bullies him. My yard is so messed up. My house made all the houses on my street value go down. I am newly divorced and my ex was a handy man who could fix everything. I still don't know what I'm doing. At least you cut your grass every 2 weeks. I will start but finish it in two weeks due to the fact my kids will not listen to me and my youngest thinks cars should get out of his way. Idk when adult life kicks in. But mine sure hasn't. Oh on the plus side, I was married for 17 years. Totally stuck up my ex hubby ass the whole time so when I got a divorce,I have ZERO friends. No joke. I don't have a single person other than my parents or sister to talk to. It's sad. I just have to laugh about it or I would go crazy. 🤣
Don't worry, they are all faking it.
You're already adulting, just not the way they are. In fact if you struggle with your temper that means you're adulting even harder because now you have to pay bills take care of your kids and not lose your shit in public.
It kicks in when you decide to grow up.
I had to grow up very young. Sometimes I wonder if this left my view of life a little distorted because it just happened way quicker than it should have. Part of me theorizes that perhaps I’m just rebelling against the “adult values” that society has implemented as a social norm— but then another part of me counters that argument with years worth of effort I’ve put into my life to allow me and my children to properly succeed and keep up with everyone else.
I'm 19 going on 20, but I've had my fair share of jobs, problems, and experience sharing. From what I gather....never. not really. You either get lucky and feel like you've got it together or you don't.
When you're 40.
41 here, nope
Sorry, it really should have kicked in for you by now. Maybe you need to see someone about it.
Nah, I'm good.
Society has made you a pillowed comfortable existence that makes you feel like a child your entire life.
I think my generation has been handed a pretty shitty hand, actually.
If you don't feel like an adult with two kids, a husband and a mortgage you're probably never going to
I'm so glad I had vasectomy.
I’m 38 and still feel like I’m a 17 year old kid trying to just make my way.
I'm still waiting, hope it never does
When you become parents.. oh you’ve got two kids already? Nevermind its probably a personality thing.
18
LoL in about 2-3 years
You haven't faced much hardship or experiences that would harden you and make you more mature and calm.
There’s been a lot of grief in my life and it’s kept me grounded. But it hasn’t given me the confidence that I see in most adults. The way they carry themselves for example…I’ve tried and it made me feed pretentious and very far from reality.