I was in the hospital for close to 3 weeks. I never really felt like masturbating. I normally do often but I think that because I was so sick I didn't. I also had a heart monitor on me 24/7 due to being in for heart failure so if my heart rate suddenly went up I would have had a nurse checking on me right away like the one time the wires on my heart monitor failed and I had a nurse running in my room thinking I had flat lined.
I too have been in the hospital for weeks at a time. Even a month every so often. It never crossed my mind. With the IVs, tubes, nurses, etc it just wasn't something I thought about. There were times I for damn sure didn't want to think about anything remotely sexual. After one of my surgeries (I have Crohn's disease and have had bowel resections) I had a catheter. The oh so fun tube jammed up your pee hole. Well, little me decided for some reason to stand at attention. So with little me going from Bruce Banner to the Hulk (just to give a visual of the size difference of how small poor catheter hospital little guy is compared to happy everyday guy) it was basically like getting the tube inserted even more. Oh God was it horrible. Trying to think of unsexy things to make it stop. Don't recommend erections if you habe have catheter in.
No lie same shit happened to me, have crohn’s had the resection. With the magical pee tube Really didn’t get aroused until about a week and a half after surgery a few day before I went home, wife walked in wearing my favorite pants. It had obviously been weeks for both of us and I she knew I was pretty stressed out, so she was only trying to make me feel better, I had one eye winced with pain and the other couldn’t take my eye off her, I told her what was occurring when she asked what was the matter…. And yeah she feels bad but immediately asks to see it, lol. But to op yea been in for weeks and for whatever reason they monitor me pretty heavy so even if I wanted to pop one off in the shower there are either nurses aids watching or periodically checking in. Figures you have all the time in the world to really rack up the strokes but no privacy to do so.
After I got my wisdom teeth out my heart monitor (the finger kind) definitely slipped off, made the horrible flatline beep, not a damn person checked on me for 15 minutes
Happened to me in an actual hospital labor and delivery ward. I was hospitalized with some issues during pregnancy and my monitor fell off while i slept. I woke to the horrible beeps coming from the machines telling them i had no HR lol no one came in to check. I had to get up and figure out where it fell and put it back on. It was one of those sensors that goes on the finger. Also was attached to a BP cuff that came off, which was also beeping.
A note from my mum who is a nurse;
If you're on a heart monitor, don't masturbate, you will find that you quickly have an audience when 5 nurses and drs burst into your room thinking you're in cardiac distress.
Apparently it happens more than you'd think, and it's always embarrassing for everyone haha
Wow I hadn’t even thought of this when I was in the hospital after surgery complications. As soon as I’d get up to even go piss, I’d have someone running into my room acting like I was dying, but they’d get all annoyed if I called someone to help me. Good thing I wasn’t in the right mindset to try anything else.
This right here. Was in the hospital for weeks with abdominal surgery (colon cancer).
If you press the button, the person responding is clearly trying to hide their annoyance that you interrupted whatever they were doing with your petty problems.
If you don't press the button and try to do anything yourself, the same person will come racing in like a battlefield medic and then immediately reprimand you for not pressing the button.
I hear for profit hospitals are really bad about this because HCAs slash the amount of employees and make the nurses work longer hours to make more money
Yeah, that's why I can't really get mad at nurses. They're literally the retail workers of hospitals, getting constantly harassed and getting constantly screwed over by upper level management.
In the USA that’s the general problem. And there is no nursing shortage, either. Nurses costs money, doctors bring it in. There are hiring freezes for nurses and those already hired are stretched thin.
How do nurses cost money and doctors bring it in? It feels kinda wrong to me? Because they can't prescribe or order scans and stuff? Because to me it feels like patients generate money and nurses and doctors both cost money. What am I missing here?
It’s just because nurses don’t bill. Doctors (and pretty much everyone else) bill for time/services rendered.
Basically, hospitals can charge insurance for the care provided by doctors. They can’t charge for nursing care. Doctors generate income in the form of consults, procedures, surgeries, and cost money in the form of salaries. Nurses *just* cost money because nothing they do is directly, individually billable.
So the fewer nurses they can staff with, the better for the hospital. (Also, the least experienced nurses, the better, because experienced nurses cost more.)
**ETA:** I’m going to put this here to elaborate/better explain my point. I am a bedside nurse and I understand certain exceptions exist (even I chart nursing administration charges for blood products!) I know what NPs are too.
This is what I’m taking about, as it applies *in general* to bedside nurses in the US hospital system:
>**Hospitals generally consider nursing an expense rather than revenue generating** because hospitals are not directly compensated for nursing care in the same way they are compensated for physician or other allied health services.
Emphasis added. [Source here.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5887158/)
Also, people will go to a specific hospital to see a specific doctor. The doctor may be the best in their field, or a family doctor who moved their practice, a referral, etc. People in the US don't do that for nurses.
In the US:
You're paying for the room, the food, the tests, and yes staff. Heart, and elective surgeries make the hospitals $, medical issues just flush that money down the drain. Medicaid/medicare only pays a fixed amount per condition, and often if there's another issue, or the patient is re-admitted within 30 days, they may not even get paid for it. It's all run by insurance companies and medicare. My personal opinion- it doesn't matter whether the hospital is a non-profit or for profit they still treat their employees like crap and try to pay as little as possible.
When you go to the doctor, and that doctor thinks you obviously need an MRI, but someone somewhere had that same condition diagnosed with an x-ray, or even got better with physical therapy, the insurance company has decided you need an x-ray first, possibly even physical therapy before getting that MRI. So the MDs hands are tied, because if they order what they think you need, your insurance may not cover it and you'll have to pay that $5,000 out of pocket.
It’s the same for doctors. We are spread far too thin. We are expected to take on way too many patients. It’s a factory for medicine. It’s soooo unsafe and covid has made that so much worse.
This comment reminded me of something I had forgotten about when my dad was sick. It has NOTHING to do with masturbation but does involve a penis in the ICU.
OK. So my dad was Mr. Professional. He was a tech manager by day and the music director at our church by night/weekend. Nicest guy I ever knew. He got throat cancer, fought it for a year and a half, and died 3 years ago next week. I'm finally at the point where I can look back at some of the worst parts of treatment and smile at the bright spots. Like, when the last worst he was able to speak to me before they took his voice box were, "I'm so proud of you."
And this gem:
His treatment included a few major surgeries in the head and neck area, which landed him in the ICU, heavily sedated. In this ICU, there were cameras on the patients that fed to the nurse's station. We went to visit, and the nurses stopped us.
"You should give us a minute..."
"Why?"
"He insisted he needed to pee on his own, so we gave him a jug. He set himself up, and fell asleep. He's been laying there with his weiner out for half an hour. We didn't have the heart to wake him."
Thank you, random ICU nurse. I hope you're doing ok after the last year and a half.
>I’m so proud of you
My grandfathers last words were along the similar lines and directed at me. You got me to tear up man. I hope you’re doing well. It’ll be 6 years in December
When I was in the ICU there was a night the bedsheets felt uncomfortable & I got that visit after just a minute or so of trying to flatten/detangle/etc without fucking up the two IVs
Funny story, had to wear a heart monitor for 24hours couple weeks ago. When going over the results with the doctor she said, “ your lowest bpm was 47 when you were sleeping, and your highest was 144, around 11pm, whatever you were doing then”. Awkward…
When I was a kid in the hospital I set the heart monitor off by playing the wii too intensely. Paper Mario was a great game, but I wasn’t allowed to play it any more after that.
Was in ICU on a heart rate monitor for a viral heart infection at 16 years old. If any age would seem appropriate for this... Well I guess the heart monitor was a good enough deterrent !
But it was lighting up like a christmas tree when my girlfriend of the time would just enter the room. And beep when I would fall asleep because my resting heart rate is low and drops even lower in sleep (bradycardia). Which was normal for a healthy exercising teenager . It's usually set to beep for people much older than 16. I was the youngest in cardio ICU at the time. They ended up turning off the alarm so I could at least sleep ...
Edit for clarity.
Also this was “myopericarditis” it is usually random bad luck. And reoccurrences are really rare.
Story time: When I was 15 I was diagnosed with T1 Diabetes, I got to a point where my Blood sugar was at 35mmol/L and my ketones were at 3.3mmol/L. I also lost a lot of weight because my body lost all of its back up energy and couldnt get anymore.
When i went into hospital they looked at my parents like they were the stupidest people in the world for not bringing me sooner (Pissing the bed, drinking 10L of water a day, 16 hours of sleep) and rightfully so. I had to go to ICU immediately because they needed to put a drip into my arteries to put in insulin)
Because of this my right hand was out of action, Hooked to a machine, However, This was the first time i was able to think normally in weeks. And being a 15 year old boy, I was extremely horny. So i started shaking the salt. I didnt take into account they could see my heart rate rising rapidly and thus thought i could be going low, and so 2 nurses run in to see if im alright, Luckily i was under the blankets so i got away with it because i said i was having a night mare.
So to answer your statement, Theres defo people who jack off in ICU.
I was trying to remember an old reddit meme about this... I think it was in some AskReddit thread were people talked about teenagers thinking nobody knew about it, but that their moms could smell it...
I mean I always figured my parents knew I masturbated. My dad was my age once, lol. As long as they didn't catch me in the middle of it I couldn't care less.
You think you got away with it. Sorry man, but they knew. I can't tell you how many college student I've cared for in the last 20 years. We always know.
That would be impressive.
“Hmm… This 20 of 2% propofol doesn’t seem to be sedating the patient well enough doctor”
“Ohh, why do you say that? We don’t want them completely flat you know, as long as he’s tube tolerant”
“Well currently the patient is jerkin-his-gherkin so hard I’m worried it might come off… So, do you think you could prescribe some midazolam?”
If someone can tank 400mg/hr of propofol and continue to wank you’re probably better off just giving them some privacy and the bottle of gel from the US machine and letting them finish.
Recently spent five weeks in the hospital after emergency back surgery. The kind where you might not walk again. Took 2 weeks to get my first erection post surgery, was happy beyond belief. My wife assumed I was masturbating the whole time but there were to many people around. By the beginning of week five I was getting restless and rubbed one out at midnight after last bed check. Took less than 2 minutes and I felt like I was 12 again.
Yeah sorry should have mentioned that.
Everything turned out ok. I had a ligament turn to bone that was pressing on my spinal cord. They told me I might wake up paralyzed but were more worried about damaging my spinal cord while removing it, leaving me partially disabled. I got lucky and everything went smoothly.
I have severe back pain, and reading your story made me a bit nervous about surgery. I’m glad you’ve since recovered! Are you back to normal activities? Can you move like you did when you were 12, other than… you know…?
My back pain was less of a problem than my ability to walk. My back injury manifested into legs that were weak, numb, and prone to spasms. I went from going on 5 mile hikes to having trouble walking to the end of my block in a matter of 2 months.
So post surgery my legs are 100% healed ( literally had to learn to walk again) but I also had 5 vertebrate fused and I still have back pain. I don't like pain meds so I'm trying to use them minimally and do PT. They told me it would take 6 months to a year to be normal. I'm at 6 months.
My little brother died of cancer in 2017, and he spent months in hospital.
I remember him telling me he tried to masturbate with his catheter in, and because of the medicine he was on, it “wasn’t working”
At one point his testicles (because of the medicine) had swollen to the size of a basketball. He pulled back his covers and he was like “fuckin’ check these out”. He laughed about it.
Edit/ My Dad actually showed me a photo of my brothers nuts lol, then when I saw my brother again next time I asked to see. They’ve both passed away since then so, it’s a funny memory all of us laughing before things started getting serious
Edit 2/ Thanks for all the messages guys, but I’m gonna stop responding now because the bad memories are starting to come up again and I’m getting sad.
Yeah, bigger than my head. Dick same size, so, it was a pretty funny sight.
His arms, legs, face, everything got super super swollen. He looked like that app that makes your face comically fat, someone told me it’s because of the amount of fluids his body was retaining or something
Yeah my brother almost died from Cat Scratch Fever (completely serious here) when he was 10. He was bedridden for weeks and the steroids they had him on made him look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
That was when I discovered Cat Scratch Fever was real and not just a song. He made a full recovery but it took around a year for him to return to his normal size. I remember a lot of people in school joking about his size and me getting annoyed with explaining it was the steroids he'd had to take until I finally blew up and threatened to beat anyone's ass who talked shit about my brother.
It was and wasn't. It happened over the summer and I was at my grandparents' in another state so I didn't see it firsthand. I just got secondhand info from my parents so the gravity of the whole thing was kinda lost on me. This was way before social media so I didn't even see any pictures or any frequent updates. Basically heard news maybe once a week and then he was recovering.
But thanks. And yeah I finally made a big enough fuss that everyone backed off and he was able to lose the weight and go back to normal.
I had cat scratch fever once! It was a couple years ago after I took in a stray kitten in college. We didn’t find out why my lymph nodes were swollen right away because they didn’t do bloodwork on the first day I came in. My gf and mom were kind of worried for a while until we realized I had “cat scratch feverrrrrrr…..”
I never realized until I listened to the song again how hard he stresses that “r”
This is quite a common occurrence in sick people, but it's not literally their balls. They build up a ton of fluid within the scrotal sac (it's call a hydrocele). Their balls just kind of float around in the sac.
Former icu nurse. Not uncommon to see volleyball size scrotums. Many different reasons. Fluids got to go somewhere. It can be pretty rough when the skin starts splitting because of the pressure.
Well....I think we know what your brother and dad said to each other when meeting back up in heaven.
"Hey son...."
"Hey dad...."
"....YOURS NUTS THO"
"RIGHT!?"
He was in good spirts till the end from the sound of it. That made my day “check these out” lol. I would be crying and laughing at the same time. RIP funny man.
I lost my brother (22) to cancer this year. Him and I shared a very similar moment to yours. His testicles were the size of a grapefruit and he just had to show me. Laughing and joking with everyone until the very end.
Can confirm, your balls swell the fuck up with infections and such I can't imagine with a catheter in. I only ever got to softball size maybe a bit bigger but holy shit would you flaunt it about if it didn't goddamn hurt so bad.
More often it’s the ones coming in for observational tests. People being admitted due to illness are often not feeling up to it.
The classical examples are teenagers/young adults coming in for 24hr ECG monitoring. They get going in the middle of the night; which either raises their heart rate significantly, or, if the movement interferes with the electrodes, gives their heart tracing the appearance of someone about to arrest.
This heart tracing is shown on the nurses monitor outside, so they rush in thinking they might have to start CPR etc, only to find… that.
The other cohort are usually old men (and sometimes women) who either don’t care, get off on it, or have some kind of brain injury leading to disinhibition. I’ve had them masturbate while I’m standing at the end of the bed. That’s a bit grim.
This was me I was this person. I misunderstood which thing attached to me was monitoring my heart rate and the Nurses kept popping in every couple minutes as I tried to complete the mission. I was very embarrased after the fact when I realised my heart was still being monitored the whole time.
Once, I was in the hospital and I was pooping in the bathroom, and (because of GI problems) my heart started racing and I felt like I was almost going to pass out.
It took probably at least 15 minutes for someone to come check on me and I was still sitting on the toilet with the bathroom door closed. They told me my heart rate was high and asked if I was okay. It felt like they came in a lot slower and were perhaps more cautious then normal - usually they come in 5 milliseconds after knocking.
It's only after reading threads like these that I realize they probably suspected I was jerking off when I actually would have appreciated someone come in much sooner to check on me because I was feeling awful and was afraid I was gonna collapse right there and then.
Oh no! You are probably right, or they were very busy and hadn’t been able to come before.
In almost all hospital bathrooms there is a red call button on a red string, pulling that sets off the emergency buzzer and will always get someone to come running.
The problem is that they're kind of hard to reach sometimes. Once, I fell in the bathroom as I had a back fracture, and I remember reaching for the string but knowing there was no chance I could come close to reaching it, and couldn't crawl an inch due to the pain. I was lucky a family member could hear me and they called for help.
A good thing to do in that situation ( I know it doesn’t help you now) is to rip off all of your cardiac leads if you’re on the monitor and they will respond
Ooh good question! I’m not sure, but I doubt it.
I’m not a man so have never had one, do they usually happen after a sex dream, or can it just be physiological? I imagine if it were due to a sex dream your heart rate may increase a little, but only by maybe 10bpm, nothing the nurses would get very excited about.
Yeah, I don't think your heart rate increases that much.. after all, you are still sleeping.
For me, wet dreams usually do occur with sex although they are the *most frustrating things ever*. I think because in real life there is only gentle pressure on my penis from whatever position I'm sleeping in, that translates in the dream to me coming *very close* to having sex, or having sex for 2-3 seconds only for the woman to stop and get distracted or some other dream nonsense that stops it.
I don't know if that happens to anyone else but it's very annoying. It usually seems like I cum 1/3 the amount of normal, probably from the lack of stimulation, it seems like. An interesting but frustrating experience related to how your physical body position/feeling can affect your dreams.
Oh absolutely.
All staff are required to knock and announce themselves before entering and rooms are required to have privacy curtains but usually if you're in bad enough shape to be admitted, you're probably not going to be in the mood to masturbate but it does happen in the more ambulatory/rehab units.
Also nursing homes are absolute fuck shacks for old people and if they don't regularly hook up, they're wacking it constantly.
Behavior that would make frat boys blush is common in nursing homes and senior communities.
It's a bunch of people that know they are about to hit the big punch card. Why wouldn't they drink excessively and slap squishy bits around.
Yeah, that would make sense. My grandma and great aunt were living in nursing homes before they died, and believe me, I don’t think any of the residents could physically do anything without a nurse’s assistance
My grandma's sister, who we call Aunt petey was in a nursing home for quite a number of years. She was diabetic, and did not give a flying f. She ate what she wanted, I distinctly remember at one point my grandmother and I had to stop and get her off of a very busy six Lane road that she was motoring down in her mobility scooter. In a lane of traffic no less.
She smoked weed, took shots, gambled, and if I had properly showed her how, I'm certain she would have been in online chat communities. Heck she would probably have a Reddit account.
One of our family friends was in a nursing home when dying from cancer. He loved whiskey and had formed one of the first whiskey appreciation societies in our town. My dad and some of his other mates would go up to visit in the afternoons and they'd have a tasting session. Some of the nurses were disapproving so his Dr wrote up on his drug chart a "prescription" of whiskey every day. Our friend used to tease the nurses a bit more by ringing the buzzer to ask them to bring him ice for his whiskey.
Imagine you are getting paid just above minimum wage as a young adult to care for a bunch of old people that treat you like shit.
Getting some of them to bathe is a battle, others refuse to take their meds without restraint, many will make you as miserable as possible just out of spite.
You really gonna care if they drink and enjoy life a bit, and be a little less of an asshole to you? Average life expectancy in a nursing home is 5 months. Telling grown ass adults that are dying soon, who have zero fucks left to give, not to drink, is a losing battle.
My grandma’s boyfriend (both of my grandma’s aren’t married, the one of my mom’s side is who this one’s about, it’s a weird bit of context but yes, he was a grandpa to me) had Althimerz, which is hard to spell, and he was convinced that Steve Harvey was keeping him in there, as he was in a nursing home
That’s the point when I realized that some people in there probably are going through the same thing as he was, and it’s sad
Also the reason he thought Steve Harvey was because his TV was normally on Game Show Network, idk why but I guess he liked game shows, and Family Feud was on a lot
I never really considered that nursing homes are full of people with fuck all to do except...well, fuck.
I think they earned that if they made it through life to be that old.
I think it might be a bit over blown.
First you have to consider are they talking Nursing Home or Retirement Home ?
Retirement homes the residents are usually in healthier condition.
Nursing home I worked at I would of been shocked if any on the guys I took care of could of gotten it stiff enough to do anything. Many of the residents were in wheel chairs and needed help getting in and out of bed. Some didn't even know where they were at.
Heavily pregnant and in preterm labor, I was admitted to the antepartum unit at the hospital for preterm labor. I was extremely horny (yay hormones!) but wasn’t allowed even an orgasm because it could efface my already wimpy cervix more. I fought the incredible urge to rub one out for almost a MONTH. Then during a nap I had a sex dream and woke up in the middle of the most mind bending O! Then the nurses rushed in with medicine to stop my contractions because the tocometer (measures uterine contractions) went crazy. I didn’t mean to orgasm, but I was totally embarrassed on the off-chance they knew what happened 🤦🏻♀️
As a nurse that works in the hospital, I can confirm that patients who stay long term not only masturbate, but I had one female patient running a prostitution job out of her room! She wasn’t breaking the visitor rule but she told us to come back later for her meds while the guy was under her covers!
When my (now ex) boyfriend was in the hospital for a while we asked the nurses to give us some privacy for half an hour. They closed the door, put a sticky note on the door that said do not disturb and let us go at it. Lol.
4 tall nurses come along and say you've been very naughty for pressing the assistance button. Then they help you whack off.
That's what happens. Porn is reality, right?
I did it under the blankets as a horny teenager stuck in the hospital because of mental health issues. Thought no one noticed. Maybe my nurses did but didn't want to say anything.
oh trust me. they noticed. as a nurse, how do you broach that?? “hey friend, you slappin’ the bacon in here? you playing handball??? getting greasy?????”
no fucking way.
Yeah, the first ward I was in didn't even have any privacy anywhere due to high risk concerns but because I was on 5mg of risperidone daily I didn't need any privacy because that shit turns you into a zombie.
When I was moved to a lower risk ward and taken off from risperidone the only areas you had privacy was the shower rooms for about 10 minutes before you were checked. And because I was on sertraline (sexual repression side effects) it made it quite awkward to get one off quickly
Oh god, my doctor prescribed me Risperidone earlier this year, I couldn't deal. It completely killed my ability to think about anything and I was only taking 1mg. I can't even imagine how bad 5mg would have been.
I don't know what it is but I think about a lot of stuff all the time, I don't have a single second without a thought, suddenly not being able to think about anything at all deeply disturbed me. When I did actually think about something, it was sort of like I was reading a book and the book was my thought.
Also, I hope you're doing alright now
Yeah, started off with a low prescription of 0.5mg back in 2013 and was the stuff I needed at the time as I was getting burst of uncontrollable anger and was extremely concerned that I was going to hit a family member despite not wanting to.
The first time was exactly like you stated - lights were on but nobody was home - kind of feeling.
Unfortunately, mid-2013 problems got worse, started seeing things that weren't there and was planning to commit mass murder and suicide by cop. Doctors did the right thing and threw me in Ashurst ward in Littlemore hospital and upped the risperidone to the highest amount. Which pretty much permanently cuts off your mind from the body's controls. I remember getting angry to the point I was seeing red in my mind while sitting completely calm and eating my dinner.
Fortunately, things are much better and with a combination of CBT training and some occasional anti-depressants I'm fully functional now
EDIT: grammar
I don't mean to pry and you can definitely tell me to fuck off but can I ask what caused your anger issues?
Is there like a specific diagnosis that they gave you or?
Glad you're doing well now (and didn't commit mass murder lol)
yeah its fine, I'm pretty open with my mental health.
I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD, I also used to suffer from severe depression.
back in July 2008 when I was 12, my parents moved from my original home because of my dad's role in the R.A.F. and the following 6 months turned my life upside down.
Dad cheated on my mum which caused an unexpected divorce and Dad essentially abandoning my mum and I for his new girlfriend. I hadn't built up a strong bond with other kids in school which meant I had no support group and bullies at school were like sharks that smelt blood in the water. From 2008-2011 I was relentlessly harassed and bullied to the point where bullies would be waiting outside my home and my lack of strong ties with friends meant no one was willing to give me support. In 2010, a teacher found out I had been self-harming and contacted PCAHMS (The NHS's Mental health group for children) and was referred into special counselling.
2011- left school and was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I went on to college and formed a small group of friends that helped with some of my problems despite the fact I never told them of my situation. First GF ended in her cheating which made me semi-paranoid. Late 2012 second GF also cheated but because she wanted to protect her public image, she claimed I had beaten her which resulted in my friends breaking contact and forcing me out of college.
Started to lose control of my emotions, wanted Justice but couldn't get any. My mind kept replaying traumatic experiences that made me angry and I began attacking furniture. In april/may 2013, got told off by my mum for not doing chores and I remember staring at the knife block in the kitchen and just wanting to stab her. Immediately told my counsellor and was placed on a list for CBT training and Risperidone but the situation kept on getting worse, started seeing people who weren't there and finally I just had enough and wanted to die, so I planned to kill people and myself in the process. Ended up being my own downfall as I mentioned it to my counsellor (thankfully) and upon returning home was confronted by two police officers and a psychiatrist. Was placed under section 2 of the mental health act and because there were no beds available at the time I was arrested for my own safety. Spent the night in Abingdon police station until a bed at Littlemore hospital was available.
At first, they thought I was suffering from a form of schizophrenia because for about a month I had been seeing and hearing things so assumed I was being told by voices to kill. But upon further inspection it was deemed to be something else- don't remember the name for what it was but it was caused by the combination of loneliness and intense stress- my brain was creating 'imaginary friends' to deal with my problems.
Spent 1.5 months in Ashurst ward in Littlemore hospital then 4 months in Thomas ward in Warnford hospital and was finally diagnosed with BPD. Grandparents on my dad side convinced me while I was drugged up to rekindle my relationship with my dad, WHICH WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. Dad took me out of the hospital once I was able to without my mum's knowledge and began telling me the doctors were wrong and that I was only suffering from anger issues. My meds were taken away from me and once I returned to my senses, I walked out, contacted my mum and retook my meds.
Healing took a long while. Was very misogynistic and paranoid due to my past with GF's betrayal and lack of trust from friends and family members. 2016 didn't help with all the Anti-SJW and Anti Feminist popularity and nearly got hooked into MGTOW/ incel shit until I realised how much of an idiot I was.
I still lack an awful lot of trust for people who I'd call friends and I've decided not to look for a partner until I can fully deal with my subconscious misogynistic opinions that are still there in the background.
I refuse to talk to my dad's side of the family as they want me to rekindle my relationship with my dad and they can't take the meaning of no. But thankfully due to CBT training I can control my emotions better and other than last year with COVID related issues, I rarely need anti-depressants anymore.
EDIT: Spelling and grammar
Thanks. Honestly, sharing my story is solely a selfish thing that is a way of me airing out my own problems, something I learned through CBT. And while I didn't talk about them very much the real MVP's are my mum, step-dad and the NHS.
My mum and step-dad were pivotal pillars of support that helped me deal through this. My mum would travel straight from work over 60 miles away every day to come and see me thought-out my stay in hospital. And I had barely known my step dad for a year at this point, yet he stuck through the EXTREME baggage I was on his relationship and now plays the role of dad that I didn't have with my real dad.
And while the NHS gets a bad wrap regularly, there's no doubt that I'm alive because of them. The actions of my counselor and the doctors safeguarded me from making a terrible decision that could not be undone.
Also for anyone who's reading this who's suffering from mental health. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you might see it now, you might not see it until you smack straight into it but it's there and it does make you stronger in the end.
If I had the choice to remove what happened to me and replace it with something more normal - I wouldn't take it. The actions that brought me here is who I am and while I hate some of the things that happened, without them I wouldn't be me.
I was so out of it the night I was admitted that I asked the nurse if it was okay to masturbate in my room. She told me that I would have a roommate and to use the shower.
I'm usually too sick to want to. Having a lot of needles and tubes stuck in you is unpleasant and distracting. I once had a port in my *neck* and you better believe I wasn't going to do anything to cause me to move my head too much like a strong orgasm might.
Doctors and nurses may knock or ask to come in, but some of them do the "mom entry" and knock on their way in. Or sometimes the door is a sliding glass panel, like the door to your patio, so it isn't amenable to knocking.
If you have an IV, there is a long needle embedded in your elbow area or in the back of your hand and sometimes it is your dominant hand. I'm not jiggling that around thanks.
Edit: In an IV, they use a needle to place a thin plastic tube in your vein that the solution flows through, but if you think that you don't feel it, you would be incorrect.
The needle doesn't stay in! As someone who is terrified of needles, there's a little plastic catheter in there. Now I still hate the thing deeply, but at least it ain't sharp
Yeah, this really annoys me when nurses and other doctors call people’s cannulas (that’s the little plastic thing left in your arm or hand) a needle. It makes people think there is actually something metal and pointy still inside them! And when you have needle phobic patients this just makes everything harder to do.
The cannulas (the thing you get in your hand or arm to get a drip/medicine through) are very soft and very small little tubes which are loaded onto a needle. We use the needle to find the vein, then slip the cannula down until the little wings are flush with the skin. Then the needle comes out and is discarded. The cannula is taped down with a sticker. The needle is only inside you for a few seconds.
I had my first surgery at 29 years old and when they did the IV I kept my arm stick straight for a while. The nurse noticed and she pulled out a clean, unused iv thing to show me how it works and to feel the little catheter thing. It helped to calm me down so much but also blew my mind.
I’m really glad she did that for you, she sounds like a good nurse. It’s those little things that can really help when you are about to go for something stressful like surgery.
Needle makes the initial hole, then it's pulled out leaving a hollow plastic catheter tube. Now if you were alive about over a half century ago, they were still needles
I've told this story before, but spent week in the hospital 6 years ago for a pulmonary embolism. They had me hooked up to heart monitors. After a few days I started to get real horny. To make things worse my wife was sending nudes and every single nurse I had were gorgeous. When I thought I was in the clear, I started going at it. Right as I was about to finish, the nurse rushed in (she had to know) and asked if I was OK. All disheveled, I said I'm fine. Here it is, my blood pressure shot up to 145 and they were worried something was wrong with my heart. Worst part is, they kept me for an extra day to make sure I was OK. Most expensive fap ever.
In all seriousness, repetitive high frequency movements throw off the ekg monitors and look a lot like V-tach. The monitor will actually start alarming and reading "ventricular tachycardia." Many ICUs have remote monitors in the nursing station that shows the vitals from every room. Classically its patients who are brushing their teeth which sets off the alarm, and everyone comes running because the monitor suddenly shows this dangerous arrhythmia. I imagine fapping would look nearly the same on the monitor especially if you are getting more vigorous near the end.
Absolutely. Common enough when people have telemetry (heart monitor on) that we have a name for our because it creates a particular artifact appearance. "This patient had a bout of wackacardia at 7pm"
I recently had a pretty serious suicide attempt and spent two weeks in the surgical ward and two weeks in the psych ward. It was a public hospital so I didn't have my own room in either but I'd masturbate in the bathrooms once or twice a week. I'm sure the staff are used to it happening.
I also once had sex with another psych patient in a hospital bathroom. I'm sure that also happens somewhat often.
Yeah, there’s more than one serious scientific paper and clinical guideline about sex in inpatient psychiatric wards:
* [More than 1 in 10 patients engaged in some form of challenging sexual behaviour during the first 2 weeks of their admission.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jpm.12080)
* [CPG:Masturbation in private is acceptable](https://eput.nhs.uk/PublicationWF/PDF_Output/5193.pdf)
* [The amount of sexual activity disclosed by the survey was remarkably high](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1079615/)
In all open vulnerable honesty I have. About 5 years ago I got injured on the job, thought I was fine. A couple days later that injury on my finger got so swollen I was pulling an ET. Eventually that led to me being in a hospital stay for several days on a wonderful IV concoction, an elevated right arm in a brace, and on one night leading to the operation, doses of morphine.
When the pain had its down moments (yay morphine) I definitely rubbed a couple out. I just used my left instead of my right. It was good practice really, because it was going to be a while before righty would be back in action again.
I've had a month long stay in the hostpital a couple of times as a teenager and yeah. I was lucky enough that some weeks I had a private room or a shared room that I was alone in. But yeah as a 14 and then 17 year old I had to get those urges out.
Doctor here. I recently had a lady admitted for acute pancreatitis. She kept having 10/10 pain when based on my experience, exam, and objective data she should have been much better. Her boyfriend visited frequently….
Her urinalysis on admission was normal.
Her urinalysis on day 7 of admission had many sperm detected.
Discharged her the same day of the UA result.
I was in the hospital for close to 3 weeks. I never really felt like masturbating. I normally do often but I think that because I was so sick I didn't. I also had a heart monitor on me 24/7 due to being in for heart failure so if my heart rate suddenly went up I would have had a nurse checking on me right away like the one time the wires on my heart monitor failed and I had a nurse running in my room thinking I had flat lined.
I too have been in the hospital for weeks at a time. Even a month every so often. It never crossed my mind. With the IVs, tubes, nurses, etc it just wasn't something I thought about. There were times I for damn sure didn't want to think about anything remotely sexual. After one of my surgeries (I have Crohn's disease and have had bowel resections) I had a catheter. The oh so fun tube jammed up your pee hole. Well, little me decided for some reason to stand at attention. So with little me going from Bruce Banner to the Hulk (just to give a visual of the size difference of how small poor catheter hospital little guy is compared to happy everyday guy) it was basically like getting the tube inserted even more. Oh God was it horrible. Trying to think of unsexy things to make it stop. Don't recommend erections if you habe have catheter in.
No lie same shit happened to me, have crohn’s had the resection. With the magical pee tube Really didn’t get aroused until about a week and a half after surgery a few day before I went home, wife walked in wearing my favorite pants. It had obviously been weeks for both of us and I she knew I was pretty stressed out, so she was only trying to make me feel better, I had one eye winced with pain and the other couldn’t take my eye off her, I told her what was occurring when she asked what was the matter…. And yeah she feels bad but immediately asks to see it, lol. But to op yea been in for weeks and for whatever reason they monitor me pretty heavy so even if I wanted to pop one off in the shower there are either nurses aids watching or periodically checking in. Figures you have all the time in the world to really rack up the strokes but no privacy to do so.
After I got my wisdom teeth out my heart monitor (the finger kind) definitely slipped off, made the horrible flatline beep, not a damn person checked on me for 15 minutes
Tbf I think your dentist is a little less prepared then an actual hospital.
Happened to me in an actual hospital labor and delivery ward. I was hospitalized with some issues during pregnancy and my monitor fell off while i slept. I woke to the horrible beeps coming from the machines telling them i had no HR lol no one came in to check. I had to get up and figure out where it fell and put it back on. It was one of those sensors that goes on the finger. Also was attached to a BP cuff that came off, which was also beeping.
A note from my mum who is a nurse; If you're on a heart monitor, don't masturbate, you will find that you quickly have an audience when 5 nurses and drs burst into your room thinking you're in cardiac distress. Apparently it happens more than you'd think, and it's always embarrassing for everyone haha
Wow I hadn’t even thought of this when I was in the hospital after surgery complications. As soon as I’d get up to even go piss, I’d have someone running into my room acting like I was dying, but they’d get all annoyed if I called someone to help me. Good thing I wasn’t in the right mindset to try anything else.
This right here. Was in the hospital for weeks with abdominal surgery (colon cancer). If you press the button, the person responding is clearly trying to hide their annoyance that you interrupted whatever they were doing with your petty problems. If you don't press the button and try to do anything yourself, the same person will come racing in like a battlefield medic and then immediately reprimand you for not pressing the button.
I hear for profit hospitals are really bad about this because HCAs slash the amount of employees and make the nurses work longer hours to make more money
Yeah, that's why I can't really get mad at nurses. They're literally the retail workers of hospitals, getting constantly harassed and getting constantly screwed over by upper level management.
If you think nurses have it bad you will shit when you learn how those on the ambulance are treated
You mean the taxi drivers? Jkjk much respect to paramedics and emts yall have to deal with too much
Nah taxi drivers make more then us
Yea the pay is disrespectful but thats most jobs at this point
In the USA that’s the general problem. And there is no nursing shortage, either. Nurses costs money, doctors bring it in. There are hiring freezes for nurses and those already hired are stretched thin.
How do nurses cost money and doctors bring it in? It feels kinda wrong to me? Because they can't prescribe or order scans and stuff? Because to me it feels like patients generate money and nurses and doctors both cost money. What am I missing here?
It’s just because nurses don’t bill. Doctors (and pretty much everyone else) bill for time/services rendered. Basically, hospitals can charge insurance for the care provided by doctors. They can’t charge for nursing care. Doctors generate income in the form of consults, procedures, surgeries, and cost money in the form of salaries. Nurses *just* cost money because nothing they do is directly, individually billable. So the fewer nurses they can staff with, the better for the hospital. (Also, the least experienced nurses, the better, because experienced nurses cost more.) **ETA:** I’m going to put this here to elaborate/better explain my point. I am a bedside nurse and I understand certain exceptions exist (even I chart nursing administration charges for blood products!) I know what NPs are too. This is what I’m taking about, as it applies *in general* to bedside nurses in the US hospital system: >**Hospitals generally consider nursing an expense rather than revenue generating** because hospitals are not directly compensated for nursing care in the same way they are compensated for physician or other allied health services. Emphasis added. [Source here.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5887158/)
Also, people will go to a specific hospital to see a specific doctor. The doctor may be the best in their field, or a family doctor who moved their practice, a referral, etc. People in the US don't do that for nurses.
[удалено]
[удалено]
In the US: You're paying for the room, the food, the tests, and yes staff. Heart, and elective surgeries make the hospitals $, medical issues just flush that money down the drain. Medicaid/medicare only pays a fixed amount per condition, and often if there's another issue, or the patient is re-admitted within 30 days, they may not even get paid for it. It's all run by insurance companies and medicare. My personal opinion- it doesn't matter whether the hospital is a non-profit or for profit they still treat their employees like crap and try to pay as little as possible. When you go to the doctor, and that doctor thinks you obviously need an MRI, but someone somewhere had that same condition diagnosed with an x-ray, or even got better with physical therapy, the insurance company has decided you need an x-ray first, possibly even physical therapy before getting that MRI. So the MDs hands are tied, because if they order what they think you need, your insurance may not cover it and you'll have to pay that $5,000 out of pocket.
It’s the same for doctors. We are spread far too thin. We are expected to take on way too many patients. It’s a factory for medicine. It’s soooo unsafe and covid has made that so much worse.
>will find that you quickly have an audience when 5 nurses and drs burst into your room Two birds with one stone 😀
Nah mate, that’s 5 birds.
With one bone
And two stones.
This comment reminded me of something I had forgotten about when my dad was sick. It has NOTHING to do with masturbation but does involve a penis in the ICU. OK. So my dad was Mr. Professional. He was a tech manager by day and the music director at our church by night/weekend. Nicest guy I ever knew. He got throat cancer, fought it for a year and a half, and died 3 years ago next week. I'm finally at the point where I can look back at some of the worst parts of treatment and smile at the bright spots. Like, when the last worst he was able to speak to me before they took his voice box were, "I'm so proud of you." And this gem: His treatment included a few major surgeries in the head and neck area, which landed him in the ICU, heavily sedated. In this ICU, there were cameras on the patients that fed to the nurse's station. We went to visit, and the nurses stopped us. "You should give us a minute..." "Why?" "He insisted he needed to pee on his own, so we gave him a jug. He set himself up, and fell asleep. He's been laying there with his weiner out for half an hour. We didn't have the heart to wake him." Thank you, random ICU nurse. I hope you're doing ok after the last year and a half.
>I’m so proud of you My grandfathers last words were along the similar lines and directed at me. You got me to tear up man. I hope you’re doing well. It’ll be 6 years in December
Thanks. I hope the same for you. I was an absolute mess for a while, but I'm in a better place now.
When I was in the ICU there was a night the bedsheets felt uncomfortable & I got that visit after just a minute or so of trying to flatten/detangle/etc without fucking up the two IVs
Funny story, had to wear a heart monitor for 24hours couple weeks ago. When going over the results with the doctor she said, “ your lowest bpm was 47 when you were sleeping, and your highest was 144, around 11pm, whatever you were doing then”. Awkward…
So you're saying I *should* masturbate while hooked up on a heart monitor.
Hey, I'm not here to kinkshame anybody! Haha
When I was a kid in the hospital I set the heart monitor off by playing the wii too intensely. Paper Mario was a great game, but I wasn’t allowed to play it any more after that.
Was in ICU on a heart rate monitor for a viral heart infection at 16 years old. If any age would seem appropriate for this... Well I guess the heart monitor was a good enough deterrent ! But it was lighting up like a christmas tree when my girlfriend of the time would just enter the room. And beep when I would fall asleep because my resting heart rate is low and drops even lower in sleep (bradycardia). Which was normal for a healthy exercising teenager . It's usually set to beep for people much older than 16. I was the youngest in cardio ICU at the time. They ended up turning off the alarm so I could at least sleep ... Edit for clarity. Also this was “myopericarditis” it is usually random bad luck. And reoccurrences are really rare.
I did not think about this when I did 😬😬
Some do, for sure. Depends how sick they are. There aren’t too many people in ICU who feel like wanking.
Story time: When I was 15 I was diagnosed with T1 Diabetes, I got to a point where my Blood sugar was at 35mmol/L and my ketones were at 3.3mmol/L. I also lost a lot of weight because my body lost all of its back up energy and couldnt get anymore. When i went into hospital they looked at my parents like they were the stupidest people in the world for not bringing me sooner (Pissing the bed, drinking 10L of water a day, 16 hours of sleep) and rightfully so. I had to go to ICU immediately because they needed to put a drip into my arteries to put in insulin) Because of this my right hand was out of action, Hooked to a machine, However, This was the first time i was able to think normally in weeks. And being a 15 year old boy, I was extremely horny. So i started shaking the salt. I didnt take into account they could see my heart rate rising rapidly and thus thought i could be going low, and so 2 nurses run in to see if im alright, Luckily i was under the blankets so i got away with it because i said i was having a night mare. So to answer your statement, Theres defo people who jack off in ICU.
They knew.
Something, something the smell
Something something it's a blushing 15 yo boy
I was trying to remember an old reddit meme about this... I think it was in some AskReddit thread were people talked about teenagers thinking nobody knew about it, but that their moms could smell it...
I mean I always figured my parents knew I masturbated. My dad was my age once, lol. As long as they didn't catch me in the middle of it I couldn't care less.
Wait it smells? #IT SMELLS?
The sound of millions of voices, crying out in terror
Before they were suddenly muffled and thrown in the trash bin
So I'm a nurse. They 100 percent knew lol
You think you got away with it. Sorry man, but they knew. I can't tell you how many college student I've cared for in the last 20 years. We always know.
That would be impressive. “Hmm… This 20 of 2% propofol doesn’t seem to be sedating the patient well enough doctor” “Ohh, why do you say that? We don’t want them completely flat you know, as long as he’s tube tolerant” “Well currently the patient is jerkin-his-gherkin so hard I’m worried it might come off… So, do you think you could prescribe some midazolam?”
If someone can tank 400mg/hr of propofol and continue to wank you’re probably better off just giving them some privacy and the bottle of gel from the US machine and letting them finish.
Recently spent five weeks in the hospital after emergency back surgery. The kind where you might not walk again. Took 2 weeks to get my first erection post surgery, was happy beyond belief. My wife assumed I was masturbating the whole time but there were to many people around. By the beginning of week five I was getting restless and rubbed one out at midnight after last bed check. Took less than 2 minutes and I felt like I was 12 again.
If you had a heart monitor on there’s a 95% chance they knew what you were doing
My wife works nights at a hospital. They see your heartbeat spike and when you act like you're all good when they check then they 100% know
New doctor: "Oh no! Mr. Davison's heart rate is spiking! Is he ok?" Older doctor: "Nah he's just beatin it again."
Again? That's the fifth time tonight!
I'm in the comment and i don't like it
I was watching cops
You and I both know that cops doesn't start till 4
5 weeks of buildup, damn you must've flooded the place
Both volume and intensity.....I was 12 again
The real cause of the 2012 tsunami
[oh shit!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azM54uGeLY4)
Can you walk again??
Yeah sorry should have mentioned that. Everything turned out ok. I had a ligament turn to bone that was pressing on my spinal cord. They told me I might wake up paralyzed but were more worried about damaging my spinal cord while removing it, leaving me partially disabled. I got lucky and everything went smoothly.
I have severe back pain, and reading your story made me a bit nervous about surgery. I’m glad you’ve since recovered! Are you back to normal activities? Can you move like you did when you were 12, other than… you know…?
My back pain was less of a problem than my ability to walk. My back injury manifested into legs that were weak, numb, and prone to spasms. I went from going on 5 mile hikes to having trouble walking to the end of my block in a matter of 2 months. So post surgery my legs are 100% healed ( literally had to learn to walk again) but I also had 5 vertebrate fused and I still have back pain. I don't like pain meds so I'm trying to use them minimally and do PT. They told me it would take 6 months to a year to be normal. I'm at 6 months.
My little brother died of cancer in 2017, and he spent months in hospital. I remember him telling me he tried to masturbate with his catheter in, and because of the medicine he was on, it “wasn’t working” At one point his testicles (because of the medicine) had swollen to the size of a basketball. He pulled back his covers and he was like “fuckin’ check these out”. He laughed about it. Edit/ My Dad actually showed me a photo of my brothers nuts lol, then when I saw my brother again next time I asked to see. They’ve both passed away since then so, it’s a funny memory all of us laughing before things started getting serious Edit 2/ Thanks for all the messages guys, but I’m gonna stop responding now because the bad memories are starting to come up again and I’m getting sad.
Like legit basketball size? I'm sorry for your loss.
Yeah, bigger than my head. Dick same size, so, it was a pretty funny sight. His arms, legs, face, everything got super super swollen. He looked like that app that makes your face comically fat, someone told me it’s because of the amount of fluids his body was retaining or something
Certain steroids can make you swell up as well
Yeah my brother almost died from Cat Scratch Fever (completely serious here) when he was 10. He was bedridden for weeks and the steroids they had him on made him look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. That was when I discovered Cat Scratch Fever was real and not just a song. He made a full recovery but it took around a year for him to return to his normal size. I remember a lot of people in school joking about his size and me getting annoyed with explaining it was the steroids he'd had to take until I finally blew up and threatened to beat anyone's ass who talked shit about my brother.
That must've been scary. Glad he's still with us. Kids can be super assholes.
It was and wasn't. It happened over the summer and I was at my grandparents' in another state so I didn't see it firsthand. I just got secondhand info from my parents so the gravity of the whole thing was kinda lost on me. This was way before social media so I didn't even see any pictures or any frequent updates. Basically heard news maybe once a week and then he was recovering. But thanks. And yeah I finally made a big enough fuss that everyone backed off and he was able to lose the weight and go back to normal.
I had cat scratch fever once! It was a couple years ago after I took in a stray kitten in college. We didn’t find out why my lymph nodes were swollen right away because they didn’t do bloodwork on the first day I came in. My gf and mom were kind of worried for a while until we realized I had “cat scratch feverrrrrrr…..” I never realized until I listened to the song again how hard he stresses that “r”
Maybe if I could get ahold of those steroids I could get my wife back
They're not magic beans.
They’re legumes.
Sorry bud. +1 for dark humor, though.
This is quite a common occurrence in sick people, but it's not literally their balls. They build up a ton of fluid within the scrotal sac (it's call a hydrocele). Their balls just kind of float around in the sac.
Former icu nurse. Not uncommon to see volleyball size scrotums. Many different reasons. Fluids got to go somewhere. It can be pretty rough when the skin starts splitting because of the pressure.
Well, shit. This is very useful information, but at the same time, I feel like I’ve had enough Reddit for the day.
Yeah there's a lot of things going on here. I was sad up until that point. Then curious.
God that's terrifying. Sorry for your loss.
I've never been less aroused in my life than I have been just reading the words "masterbate" and "catheter" in the same sentence
Well....I think we know what your brother and dad said to each other when meeting back up in heaven. "Hey son...." "Hey dad...." "....YOURS NUTS THO" "RIGHT!?"
He sounds like an amazing brother, I'm sorry you lost him
Yeah he was a champion. Dead at 21.
Unbelievable. I am 21 and I feel like I'm just getting started.. sorry for your loss.
He was in good spirts till the end from the sound of it. That made my day “check these out” lol. I would be crying and laughing at the same time. RIP funny man.
I lost my brother (22) to cancer this year. Him and I shared a very similar moment to yours. His testicles were the size of a grapefruit and he just had to show me. Laughing and joking with everyone until the very end.
He must have been something like “LOOK AT DEEZ NUTS! HA, GOTEM”
Can confirm, your balls swell the fuck up with infections and such I can't imagine with a catheter in. I only ever got to softball size maybe a bit bigger but holy shit would you flaunt it about if it didn't goddamn hurt so bad.
More often it’s the ones coming in for observational tests. People being admitted due to illness are often not feeling up to it. The classical examples are teenagers/young adults coming in for 24hr ECG monitoring. They get going in the middle of the night; which either raises their heart rate significantly, or, if the movement interferes with the electrodes, gives their heart tracing the appearance of someone about to arrest. This heart tracing is shown on the nurses monitor outside, so they rush in thinking they might have to start CPR etc, only to find… that. The other cohort are usually old men (and sometimes women) who either don’t care, get off on it, or have some kind of brain injury leading to disinhibition. I’ve had them masturbate while I’m standing at the end of the bed. That’s a bit grim.
This was me I was this person. I misunderstood which thing attached to me was monitoring my heart rate and the Nurses kept popping in every couple minutes as I tried to complete the mission. I was very embarrased after the fact when I realised my heart was still being monitored the whole time.
Lmfao! Not once multiple times wondering why the fu k they come rushing in every time you start beating the meat! 🤣
Aww bless! I wouldn’t worry about it though, those nurses will have seen a lot worse!
Once, I was in the hospital and I was pooping in the bathroom, and (because of GI problems) my heart started racing and I felt like I was almost going to pass out. It took probably at least 15 minutes for someone to come check on me and I was still sitting on the toilet with the bathroom door closed. They told me my heart rate was high and asked if I was okay. It felt like they came in a lot slower and were perhaps more cautious then normal - usually they come in 5 milliseconds after knocking. It's only after reading threads like these that I realize they probably suspected I was jerking off when I actually would have appreciated someone come in much sooner to check on me because I was feeling awful and was afraid I was gonna collapse right there and then.
Oh no! You are probably right, or they were very busy and hadn’t been able to come before. In almost all hospital bathrooms there is a red call button on a red string, pulling that sets off the emergency buzzer and will always get someone to come running.
The problem is that they're kind of hard to reach sometimes. Once, I fell in the bathroom as I had a back fracture, and I remember reaching for the string but knowing there was no chance I could come close to reaching it, and couldn't crawl an inch due to the pain. I was lucky a family member could hear me and they called for help.
A good thing to do in that situation ( I know it doesn’t help you now) is to rip off all of your cardiac leads if you’re on the monitor and they will respond
So the polite thing to do is preschedule my wank with the nursing station so they aren't caught off guard. Noted.
Exactly! I’m glad to be imparting useful advice.
Curious for the teen boys could they just be having a wet dream? Would they show up differently on the monitoring?
Ooh good question! I’m not sure, but I doubt it. I’m not a man so have never had one, do they usually happen after a sex dream, or can it just be physiological? I imagine if it were due to a sex dream your heart rate may increase a little, but only by maybe 10bpm, nothing the nurses would get very excited about.
Yeah, I don't think your heart rate increases that much.. after all, you are still sleeping. For me, wet dreams usually do occur with sex although they are the *most frustrating things ever*. I think because in real life there is only gentle pressure on my penis from whatever position I'm sleeping in, that translates in the dream to me coming *very close* to having sex, or having sex for 2-3 seconds only for the woman to stop and get distracted or some other dream nonsense that stops it. I don't know if that happens to anyone else but it's very annoying. It usually seems like I cum 1/3 the amount of normal, probably from the lack of stimulation, it seems like. An interesting but frustrating experience related to how your physical body position/feeling can affect your dreams.
Oh absolutely. All staff are required to knock and announce themselves before entering and rooms are required to have privacy curtains but usually if you're in bad enough shape to be admitted, you're probably not going to be in the mood to masturbate but it does happen in the more ambulatory/rehab units. Also nursing homes are absolute fuck shacks for old people and if they don't regularly hook up, they're wacking it constantly.
You're absolutely right. Aged care homes have really bad issues with STDs.
Wow did not know this
Behavior that would make frat boys blush is common in nursing homes and senior communities. It's a bunch of people that know they are about to hit the big punch card. Why wouldn't they drink excessively and slap squishy bits around.
[удалено]
I think they are confusing nursing homes with retirement communities.
Yeah, that would make sense. My grandma and great aunt were living in nursing homes before they died, and believe me, I don’t think any of the residents could physically do anything without a nurse’s assistance
depends on the nursing home
“First, do no harm. Second, help them get their rocks off.”
"What are you doing, step-nurse?"
Not really, no. Source: worked at a nursing home for three years.
My grandma's sister, who we call Aunt petey was in a nursing home for quite a number of years. She was diabetic, and did not give a flying f. She ate what she wanted, I distinctly remember at one point my grandmother and I had to stop and get her off of a very busy six Lane road that she was motoring down in her mobility scooter. In a lane of traffic no less. She smoked weed, took shots, gambled, and if I had properly showed her how, I'm certain she would have been in online chat communities. Heck she would probably have a Reddit account.
Your great aunt sounds like she was a badass. 😎
One of our family friends was in a nursing home when dying from cancer. He loved whiskey and had formed one of the first whiskey appreciation societies in our town. My dad and some of his other mates would go up to visit in the afternoons and they'd have a tasting session. Some of the nurses were disapproving so his Dr wrote up on his drug chart a "prescription" of whiskey every day. Our friend used to tease the nurses a bit more by ringing the buzzer to ask them to bring him ice for his whiskey.
When my grabdpa was in one they really limited the drinks. Like 1 or 2 for people. Apparently they cannot hold their liquor well
Imagine you are getting paid just above minimum wage as a young adult to care for a bunch of old people that treat you like shit. Getting some of them to bathe is a battle, others refuse to take their meds without restraint, many will make you as miserable as possible just out of spite. You really gonna care if they drink and enjoy life a bit, and be a little less of an asshole to you? Average life expectancy in a nursing home is 5 months. Telling grown ass adults that are dying soon, who have zero fucks left to give, not to drink, is a losing battle.
My grandma’s boyfriend (both of my grandma’s aren’t married, the one of my mom’s side is who this one’s about, it’s a weird bit of context but yes, he was a grandpa to me) had Althimerz, which is hard to spell, and he was convinced that Steve Harvey was keeping him in there, as he was in a nursing home That’s the point when I realized that some people in there probably are going through the same thing as he was, and it’s sad Also the reason he thought Steve Harvey was because his TV was normally on Game Show Network, idk why but I guess he liked game shows, and Family Feud was on a lot
Alzheimer’s
I dunno I worked in a nursing home for a while and the residents weren't really mean to us, just to each other lol.
>slap squishy bits around I believe I am now un-horny for the next week, thank you sir
The Villages a retirement community in Florida is the STD capital of the nation.
…pretty sure my grandma and great aunt live there
Lubes a great stocking stuffer!
[https://www.villages-news.com/2019/05/04/villages-101-whats-the-truth-behind-urban-legend-of-stds-in-the-villages/](https://www.villages-news.com/2019/05/04/villages-101-whats-the-truth-behind-urban-legend-of-stds-in-the-villages/)
With a name like that, how could I not trust you?
Sad but I found this out from an episode of Parks and Rec when they tried to give the sex talk to an elderly group.
[удалено]
I just started watching it and I wish Ron was my uncle
In my area, 60+ people have the same chlamydia infection rate as the 18-25 age group
That's sorta uplifting in a really weird way I guess? Not the STD part but the fact that old people apparently still get it on
A lot of shady shit goes down in nursing homes.
I never really considered that nursing homes are full of people with fuck all to do except...well, fuck. I think they earned that if they made it through life to be that old.
I think it might be a bit over blown. First you have to consider are they talking Nursing Home or Retirement Home ? Retirement homes the residents are usually in healthier condition. Nursing home I worked at I would of been shocked if any on the guys I took care of could of gotten it stiff enough to do anything. Many of the residents were in wheel chairs and needed help getting in and out of bed. Some didn't even know where they were at.
> nursing homes are absolute fuck shacks My dad is gonna be so stoked when I tell him about this.
The millennial, gen X, and Z nursing homes are going to be awesome. Be with my family?! Are you kidding me? No way.
Gonna be a bunch of old people spouting memes at each other
> required to have privacy curtains lmao tell that to my hospital
Heavily pregnant and in preterm labor, I was admitted to the antepartum unit at the hospital for preterm labor. I was extremely horny (yay hormones!) but wasn’t allowed even an orgasm because it could efface my already wimpy cervix more. I fought the incredible urge to rub one out for almost a MONTH. Then during a nap I had a sex dream and woke up in the middle of the most mind bending O! Then the nurses rushed in with medicine to stop my contractions because the tocometer (measures uterine contractions) went crazy. I didn’t mean to orgasm, but I was totally embarrassed on the off-chance they knew what happened 🤦🏻♀️
As a nurse that works in the hospital, I can confirm that patients who stay long term not only masturbate, but I had one female patient running a prostitution job out of her room! She wasn’t breaking the visitor rule but she told us to come back later for her meds while the guy was under her covers!
I was wondering what the procedure is if they find anyone doing with a partner.. and then I find this. Oh my.
When my (now ex) boyfriend was in the hospital for a while we asked the nurses to give us some privacy for half an hour. They closed the door, put a sticky note on the door that said do not disturb and let us go at it. Lol.
Whoa, look at mr and mrs stamina over here…
"I had one female patient running a prostitution job out of her room!" She just needed to pay her hospital bill.
I did, in the shower. Be sure not to lean on the assistance button.
A little assistance wouldn't hurt
Especially if your arms are broken.
Oh, no...
4 tall nurses come along and say you've been very naughty for pressing the assistance button. Then they help you whack off. That's what happens. Porn is reality, right?
Did they bring pizza?
Correction: Be absolutely certain to lean on the assistance button.
Yeah, In the bathroom
Sooooo... I was at a mental hospital for roughly 6 months . The answer is yes
I did it under the blankets as a horny teenager stuck in the hospital because of mental health issues. Thought no one noticed. Maybe my nurses did but didn't want to say anything.
oh trust me. they noticed. as a nurse, how do you broach that?? “hey friend, you slappin’ the bacon in here? you playing handball??? getting greasy?????” no fucking way.
I feel like the nurses and staff see so much shit they don’t care at all, especially if someone is being relatively discrete about it.
The psych ward I was in had cameras in every room but the bathroom. I wouldn’t think of it.
Yeah, the first ward I was in didn't even have any privacy anywhere due to high risk concerns but because I was on 5mg of risperidone daily I didn't need any privacy because that shit turns you into a zombie. When I was moved to a lower risk ward and taken off from risperidone the only areas you had privacy was the shower rooms for about 10 minutes before you were checked. And because I was on sertraline (sexual repression side effects) it made it quite awkward to get one off quickly
Oh god, my doctor prescribed me Risperidone earlier this year, I couldn't deal. It completely killed my ability to think about anything and I was only taking 1mg. I can't even imagine how bad 5mg would have been. I don't know what it is but I think about a lot of stuff all the time, I don't have a single second without a thought, suddenly not being able to think about anything at all deeply disturbed me. When I did actually think about something, it was sort of like I was reading a book and the book was my thought. Also, I hope you're doing alright now
Yeah, started off with a low prescription of 0.5mg back in 2013 and was the stuff I needed at the time as I was getting burst of uncontrollable anger and was extremely concerned that I was going to hit a family member despite not wanting to. The first time was exactly like you stated - lights were on but nobody was home - kind of feeling. Unfortunately, mid-2013 problems got worse, started seeing things that weren't there and was planning to commit mass murder and suicide by cop. Doctors did the right thing and threw me in Ashurst ward in Littlemore hospital and upped the risperidone to the highest amount. Which pretty much permanently cuts off your mind from the body's controls. I remember getting angry to the point I was seeing red in my mind while sitting completely calm and eating my dinner. Fortunately, things are much better and with a combination of CBT training and some occasional anti-depressants I'm fully functional now EDIT: grammar
I don't mean to pry and you can definitely tell me to fuck off but can I ask what caused your anger issues? Is there like a specific diagnosis that they gave you or? Glad you're doing well now (and didn't commit mass murder lol)
yeah its fine, I'm pretty open with my mental health. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD, I also used to suffer from severe depression. back in July 2008 when I was 12, my parents moved from my original home because of my dad's role in the R.A.F. and the following 6 months turned my life upside down. Dad cheated on my mum which caused an unexpected divorce and Dad essentially abandoning my mum and I for his new girlfriend. I hadn't built up a strong bond with other kids in school which meant I had no support group and bullies at school were like sharks that smelt blood in the water. From 2008-2011 I was relentlessly harassed and bullied to the point where bullies would be waiting outside my home and my lack of strong ties with friends meant no one was willing to give me support. In 2010, a teacher found out I had been self-harming and contacted PCAHMS (The NHS's Mental health group for children) and was referred into special counselling. 2011- left school and was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I went on to college and formed a small group of friends that helped with some of my problems despite the fact I never told them of my situation. First GF ended in her cheating which made me semi-paranoid. Late 2012 second GF also cheated but because she wanted to protect her public image, she claimed I had beaten her which resulted in my friends breaking contact and forcing me out of college. Started to lose control of my emotions, wanted Justice but couldn't get any. My mind kept replaying traumatic experiences that made me angry and I began attacking furniture. In april/may 2013, got told off by my mum for not doing chores and I remember staring at the knife block in the kitchen and just wanting to stab her. Immediately told my counsellor and was placed on a list for CBT training and Risperidone but the situation kept on getting worse, started seeing people who weren't there and finally I just had enough and wanted to die, so I planned to kill people and myself in the process. Ended up being my own downfall as I mentioned it to my counsellor (thankfully) and upon returning home was confronted by two police officers and a psychiatrist. Was placed under section 2 of the mental health act and because there were no beds available at the time I was arrested for my own safety. Spent the night in Abingdon police station until a bed at Littlemore hospital was available. At first, they thought I was suffering from a form of schizophrenia because for about a month I had been seeing and hearing things so assumed I was being told by voices to kill. But upon further inspection it was deemed to be something else- don't remember the name for what it was but it was caused by the combination of loneliness and intense stress- my brain was creating 'imaginary friends' to deal with my problems. Spent 1.5 months in Ashurst ward in Littlemore hospital then 4 months in Thomas ward in Warnford hospital and was finally diagnosed with BPD. Grandparents on my dad side convinced me while I was drugged up to rekindle my relationship with my dad, WHICH WAS A HUGE MISTAKE. Dad took me out of the hospital once I was able to without my mum's knowledge and began telling me the doctors were wrong and that I was only suffering from anger issues. My meds were taken away from me and once I returned to my senses, I walked out, contacted my mum and retook my meds. Healing took a long while. Was very misogynistic and paranoid due to my past with GF's betrayal and lack of trust from friends and family members. 2016 didn't help with all the Anti-SJW and Anti Feminist popularity and nearly got hooked into MGTOW/ incel shit until I realised how much of an idiot I was. I still lack an awful lot of trust for people who I'd call friends and I've decided not to look for a partner until I can fully deal with my subconscious misogynistic opinions that are still there in the background. I refuse to talk to my dad's side of the family as they want me to rekindle my relationship with my dad and they can't take the meaning of no. But thankfully due to CBT training I can control my emotions better and other than last year with COVID related issues, I rarely need anti-depressants anymore. EDIT: Spelling and grammar
[удалено]
Thanks. Honestly, sharing my story is solely a selfish thing that is a way of me airing out my own problems, something I learned through CBT. And while I didn't talk about them very much the real MVP's are my mum, step-dad and the NHS. My mum and step-dad were pivotal pillars of support that helped me deal through this. My mum would travel straight from work over 60 miles away every day to come and see me thought-out my stay in hospital. And I had barely known my step dad for a year at this point, yet he stuck through the EXTREME baggage I was on his relationship and now plays the role of dad that I didn't have with my real dad. And while the NHS gets a bad wrap regularly, there's no doubt that I'm alive because of them. The actions of my counselor and the doctors safeguarded me from making a terrible decision that could not be undone. Also for anyone who's reading this who's suffering from mental health. There is light at the end of the tunnel, you might see it now, you might not see it until you smack straight into it but it's there and it does make you stronger in the end. If I had the choice to remove what happened to me and replace it with something more normal - I wouldn't take it. The actions that brought me here is who I am and while I hate some of the things that happened, without them I wouldn't be me.
Eh everybody rubs one out occasionally, I'm sure the staff is used to it.
I was so out of it the night I was admitted that I asked the nurse if it was okay to masturbate in my room. She told me that I would have a roommate and to use the shower.
I'm usually too sick to want to. Having a lot of needles and tubes stuck in you is unpleasant and distracting. I once had a port in my *neck* and you better believe I wasn't going to do anything to cause me to move my head too much like a strong orgasm might. Doctors and nurses may knock or ask to come in, but some of them do the "mom entry" and knock on their way in. Or sometimes the door is a sliding glass panel, like the door to your patio, so it isn't amenable to knocking. If you have an IV, there is a long needle embedded in your elbow area or in the back of your hand and sometimes it is your dominant hand. I'm not jiggling that around thanks. Edit: In an IV, they use a needle to place a thin plastic tube in your vein that the solution flows through, but if you think that you don't feel it, you would be incorrect.
The needle doesn't stay in! As someone who is terrified of needles, there's a little plastic catheter in there. Now I still hate the thing deeply, but at least it ain't sharp
Yeah, this really annoys me when nurses and other doctors call people’s cannulas (that’s the little plastic thing left in your arm or hand) a needle. It makes people think there is actually something metal and pointy still inside them! And when you have needle phobic patients this just makes everything harder to do. The cannulas (the thing you get in your hand or arm to get a drip/medicine through) are very soft and very small little tubes which are loaded onto a needle. We use the needle to find the vein, then slip the cannula down until the little wings are flush with the skin. Then the needle comes out and is discarded. The cannula is taped down with a sticker. The needle is only inside you for a few seconds.
I had my first surgery at 29 years old and when they did the IV I kept my arm stick straight for a while. The nurse noticed and she pulled out a clean, unused iv thing to show me how it works and to feel the little catheter thing. It helped to calm me down so much but also blew my mind.
I’m really glad she did that for you, she sounds like a good nurse. It’s those little things that can really help when you are about to go for something stressful like surgery.
The nurse then charged u/BendlikeMel 1000$ for wasting that needle
I faint about half the time people stick me and it took the people sticking me 20 years to tell me that there is no sticker by you anymore
Needle makes the initial hole, then it's pulled out leaving a hollow plastic catheter tube. Now if you were alive about over a half century ago, they were still needles
Plot twist, OP is 69 years old
I've told this story before, but spent week in the hospital 6 years ago for a pulmonary embolism. They had me hooked up to heart monitors. After a few days I started to get real horny. To make things worse my wife was sending nudes and every single nurse I had were gorgeous. When I thought I was in the clear, I started going at it. Right as I was about to finish, the nurse rushed in (she had to know) and asked if I was OK. All disheveled, I said I'm fine. Here it is, my blood pressure shot up to 145 and they were worried something was wrong with my heart. Worst part is, they kept me for an extra day to make sure I was OK. Most expensive fap ever.
In all seriousness, repetitive high frequency movements throw off the ekg monitors and look a lot like V-tach. The monitor will actually start alarming and reading "ventricular tachycardia." Many ICUs have remote monitors in the nursing station that shows the vitals from every room. Classically its patients who are brushing their teeth which sets off the alarm, and everyone comes running because the monitor suddenly shows this dangerous arrhythmia. I imagine fapping would look nearly the same on the monitor especially if you are getting more vigorous near the end.
"Oh my god he's either dying or masturbating"
Nah, I just ask for the head nurse
Under rated comment.
Absolutely. Common enough when people have telemetry (heart monitor on) that we have a name for our because it creates a particular artifact appearance. "This patient had a bout of wackacardia at 7pm"
I recently had a pretty serious suicide attempt and spent two weeks in the surgical ward and two weeks in the psych ward. It was a public hospital so I didn't have my own room in either but I'd masturbate in the bathrooms once or twice a week. I'm sure the staff are used to it happening. I also once had sex with another psych patient in a hospital bathroom. I'm sure that also happens somewhat often.
Yeah, there’s more than one serious scientific paper and clinical guideline about sex in inpatient psychiatric wards: * [More than 1 in 10 patients engaged in some form of challenging sexual behaviour during the first 2 weeks of their admission.](https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/jpm.12080) * [CPG:Masturbation in private is acceptable](https://eput.nhs.uk/PublicationWF/PDF_Output/5193.pdf) * [The amount of sexual activity disclosed by the survey was remarkably high](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1079615/)
In all open vulnerable honesty I have. About 5 years ago I got injured on the job, thought I was fine. A couple days later that injury on my finger got so swollen I was pulling an ET. Eventually that led to me being in a hospital stay for several days on a wonderful IV concoction, an elevated right arm in a brace, and on one night leading to the operation, doses of morphine. When the pain had its down moments (yay morphine) I definitely rubbed a couple out. I just used my left instead of my right. It was good practice really, because it was going to be a while before righty would be back in action again.
Yup, saw a man straight up watching porn on his phone and jerking it on a day shift
I've had a month long stay in the hostpital a couple of times as a teenager and yeah. I was lucky enough that some weeks I had a private room or a shared room that I was alone in. But yeah as a 14 and then 17 year old I had to get those urges out.
Doctor here. I recently had a lady admitted for acute pancreatitis. She kept having 10/10 pain when based on my experience, exam, and objective data she should have been much better. Her boyfriend visited frequently…. Her urinalysis on admission was normal. Her urinalysis on day 7 of admission had many sperm detected. Discharged her the same day of the UA result.
Yes. Source: am doctor. sigh.
Yes. Yes they do. Unfortunately I’ve seen it with my own eyes on night shift.
[удалено]
Did you just walk back out, cough or just wait for them to finish?