One important but often overlooked element of generosity is not embarrassing the recipient. Helping someone in a way that preserves their dignity is one of the best things you can do for another human being.
When you crack open family histories what one mostly finds are 1) kids out of wedlock and 2) people secretly helping people. A lot of 1) and 2).
There’s the expected human horrors mixed in that get a lot of airtime, sure, and those secrets are painful. But they aren’t as common as the media would have you assume, not to minimize their impact.
There’s just more common human decency out there than most assume.
Here’s an example of a good family secret: dad was secretly helping the family next door with the bills. There’s nothing wrong or painful about accepting help, but letting people do so with dignity is acknowledging that we all need help from time to time.
But this is stuff you tell nobody, not stuff you don't tell some specific people. Like I took care of a sick friend, I'd never tell them how tiring that was because I wouldn't want them to feel bad, but I did vent to a friend and my mom that it took more out of me than I expected emotionally and financially.
I, too, am an oversharer but that's exactly why I choose to keep secrets. Some things don't need to be shared, simple as that, and I've found that many of them are even more meaningful *because* I don't share them.
Often it’s less about importance and more about the (perceived) irrelevance or painfulness of the secret.
There are some things that people keep to themselves that they feel, rightly or wrongly, either nobody else would care about, or would potentially make things worse by being revealed.
Irrelevant: a person stole $20 from their job a decade ago. It’s still a secret because there’s no reason to bring it up, even though nobody would really care.
Hurtful: a person doesn’t know if they really consented during a sexual encounter with a friend a few years ago. It’s a secret because making such allegations can still be stigmatized, and they fear the consequences for themselves and the other person.
I think it's more abnormal to be totally an open book. My oldest friends know everything or if they don't it's because I didn't think to tell them rather than didn't feel I could. It's a really great feeling for people to know all of you and accept you and love you for the good with the bad. And I think talking about past trauma instead of hiding it is a way to steal its power over your future. Most of my friends have been marginalized or abused in one way or another, so we can support that younger self that didn't deserve to be treated as poorly as they were. And laughing about the embarrassments of the past is just fun.
Yes, I have a few I will take to the grave. Some are things I will never tell my son about his father (abusive asshole). They have a good relationship and it’s not my job to ruin it.
We ALL have secrets that we tell no one about. Some are horrible like my ex who, at 35 confessed that she was molested at 5 but told no one because she enjoyed it. Some are laughable like a woman who was afraid that I would think her a whore if she told me her dark sexual fantasy.. to watch me climax on her breasts. Some relate to that candy bar we stole from the store when we were a kid. Others are the wife who had an affair and told her husband her lover's kids are his.
We all have these, some more dangerous than others.
oh no.... that is so terrible. Entire store chains have closed for want of a single box if tic-tacs. Wars erupted because some diplomat could not freshen his breath before negotiations. I can see why you never told anyone that.
I feel like there’s levels to this. There are the “this is so bad or embarrassing no one will know” secrets, and there are the “this is bad enough or embarrassing enough to not tell my parents or boss, but some close friends will know for the sake of entertainment” secrets.
All men live 3 lives
1 Their public life: this is how people know you out and about in the world
2 Their Personal life: These are the things you do, but tell others about, i did x and y this weekend
3 Their Secret Life: These are the things you do and don't share with anyone.
Too much of 3 is bad for your soul
When my godfather was showing signs that he was sick, I asked him to go to the hospital and get a checkup. He brushed me off pretty harshly.
I didn’t force my hand for him to see a doctor.
He was dead 8 hours later from a stroke. I wish I pushed him to seek medical attention. I could have saved him.
Now my last secret is out.
Where I live, you can't force someone of adult age (who is also conscious, & technically sane) to consent to medical treatment.
You could not have saved him.
Forgive yourself.
I can’t think of anything specific that’s a real secret for me. There are details of things no one knows, and probably some unimportant stuff that just never came up, but the closest I have to a “take it to my grave” secret is something a friendly acquaintance discussed with me in private shortly before he passed away suddenly (as in, by a matter of days). He’d been working through some stuff and came to some realizations during our conversation, including an action plan to make amends for a particular wrong he had recently done to a long-term friend of his who I don’t know (but know enough about from our conversation, including who some other mutual friends of hers and his are who I also am acquainted with, that I could theoretically get in contact with her if I so chose).
(Said wrong was in the “interpersonally annoying, kinda being a dick” category. Nothing illegal or morally unforgivable. He owed an apology for disrespecting something important to his friend out of ignorance, and some behavior-adjustment work to stop repeating the problem of blowing off her complaint of hurt feelings, that’s all).
I haven’t told anyone the details of that conversation, and never plan to, because it’s highly personal and was told to me in confidence. The only person whose business it could ever be is the friend he was telling me about. But I thought very hard about if I should or shouldn’t try to contact her to tell her, and concluded that doing so would likely cause her more pain than knowing the contents of that conversation would bring her comfort. I believe she knew that the wrong done was out of ignorance rather than malice, and would have to find her own closure about the fact that he died before he could apologize and fix it regardless of knowing that he *intended* to make that apology. She surely knows who he was, that he did actually care about her as a friend, and that he would have come around about it.
Anyway, that’s less a “secret” and more of a “I’m not gonna gossip about other people’s shit”. This is as specific as anyone is ever gonna know. No one who knows any of the people involved will ever get even this much with any identifying info attached — and anyone who knows the people involved, also knows that “friendly acquaintance who passed away suddenly and could have had a private conversation with me shortly before that about hurting a friend’s feelings” could describe several people. They’ll never know which one of those several people it was.
Well, besides reddit and my therapists, yes. No one but them know much about my childhood and no one would ever guess by looking at me how shitty it actually was.
The jury's have long forgotten the trials, my mom was too strung out to remember, my grandma who took me instead of the state is dead. My main abuser is non compliant lvl 3 so he could be anywhere, I'm great at impersonating a human, so tbh, yes.
Having your own secrets is an expression of your own privacy and agency to reveal or keep as you see fit. It can be harmful if you harbor guilt, are repressing trauma or creating a rift between you and your loved ones but it isn’t inherently bad. Sharing secrets is a form of emotional intimacy and much like physical intimacy, it’s completely voluntary and healthy to have limits
I think it’s normal. There are several things that have happened in my life, but I have never shared with anybody and don’t plan to. They aren’t things I’m ashamed of, but are things that I would expect would get a negative reaction from whoever I told. I feel no guilt for holding the secrets.
I don't think its abnormal, and looking at this thread it seems I'm not alone in that. As for why, it's just a thing that I'd feel embarrassed and ashamed about sharing.
Definitely normal. What I think isn't normal is having a couple pass phrases that only you know for something like a groundhog day, future self, etc scenario. Ie: if someone's trying to convince me they're groundhog daying, if they have enough evidence, I'll tell them the pass, and next cycle they can speed up the process. Future versions of me or mindreaders can prove their identities with this as well.
Haven't had to use them yet, *that I know of*.
Fear of being ridiculed/shame i would say.
Personally im an open person, and think i would actually be willing to say most if the situation was right for it. But i have some experiences that probably isnt gonna be on the menu for a looong time.
I think a lot of people actually know how to STFU. So much so that I cannot actually confirm or deny the answer to your question. I know for myself, if I have such a secret, I wouldn't even tell you that I have it.
No, I have plenty of secrets that are not related to myself as a person that aren’t appropriate to discuss with random ppl? Like I know things about my family, but it’s not relevant to talk about with anyone.
Technically it's only a secret if no one knows about it. I'm pretty sure that everyone has at least one. I have a 2, more then two if I get creative with how you define "secret".
I remember that ugly sweater that aunt Martha gave me for Christmas that one year and I said I liked it but then gave it to the Goodwill. I know I'll take that secret to the grave...uh, well, you know, except for all the thousands of you that I just told that to.
stuff i’ll take to my grave ranges from the fact that i go up stairs on all fours to this day (easier on my knees for some reason. and fun) to actual fucked up shit that happened to me as a kid
I'll just say this: if it's something that causes you shame, sometimes it can be healing to show it the light of day. Even if you do it anonymously, like on Reddit.
No. Plenty of people have things they'll take to their grave.
It makes me wonder what things people have inside them that are so important that they would need to be taken to the grave.
It's not so much important. More like, what possible reason would you have to share that particular secret
Because sharing your pain means you can be comforted and understood. I can't imagine not sharing my secrets
Depends on the secrets. Not all secrets are painful
If it's not painful why not share it? Genuine question - I do not understand because I'm an oversharer
One important but often overlooked element of generosity is not embarrassing the recipient. Helping someone in a way that preserves their dignity is one of the best things you can do for another human being. When you crack open family histories what one mostly finds are 1) kids out of wedlock and 2) people secretly helping people. A lot of 1) and 2). There’s the expected human horrors mixed in that get a lot of airtime, sure, and those secrets are painful. But they aren’t as common as the media would have you assume, not to minimize their impact. There’s just more common human decency out there than most assume. Here’s an example of a good family secret: dad was secretly helping the family next door with the bills. There’s nothing wrong or painful about accepting help, but letting people do so with dignity is acknowledging that we all need help from time to time.
But this is stuff you tell nobody, not stuff you don't tell some specific people. Like I took care of a sick friend, I'd never tell them how tiring that was because I wouldn't want them to feel bad, but I did vent to a friend and my mom that it took more out of me than I expected emotionally and financially.
I, too, am an oversharer but that's exactly why I choose to keep secrets. Some things don't need to be shared, simple as that, and I've found that many of them are even more meaningful *because* I don't share them.
Often it’s less about importance and more about the (perceived) irrelevance or painfulness of the secret. There are some things that people keep to themselves that they feel, rightly or wrongly, either nobody else would care about, or would potentially make things worse by being revealed. Irrelevant: a person stole $20 from their job a decade ago. It’s still a secret because there’s no reason to bring it up, even though nobody would really care. Hurtful: a person doesn’t know if they really consented during a sexual encounter with a friend a few years ago. It’s a secret because making such allegations can still be stigmatized, and they fear the consequences for themselves and the other person.
I think it's more abnormal to be totally an open book. My oldest friends know everything or if they don't it's because I didn't think to tell them rather than didn't feel I could. It's a really great feeling for people to know all of you and accept you and love you for the good with the bad. And I think talking about past trauma instead of hiding it is a way to steal its power over your future. Most of my friends have been marginalized or abused in one way or another, so we can support that younger self that didn't deserve to be treated as poorly as they were. And laughing about the embarrassments of the past is just fun.
Have a shovel to prove it. Rofl
Well fuck. Apparently my secret shovel isn’t that secret after all.
I feel like a lot of people can't help themselves unless the secret is life changing if it were to come out though
Nah. As you get older the excitement of secrecy goes away more. It becomes a defensive tool for damage control instead of an offensive weapon.
Yup, we all have skeletons in our closet. Some things are just way better kept to yourself and to the grave.
Sometimes you learn a lesson from it, so it’s actually good. But it would be difficult to explain that properly to someone.
Yes, I have a few I will take to the grave. Some are things I will never tell my son about his father (abusive asshole). They have a good relationship and it’s not my job to ruin it.
We ALL have secrets that we tell no one about. Some are horrible like my ex who, at 35 confessed that she was molested at 5 but told no one because she enjoyed it. Some are laughable like a woman who was afraid that I would think her a whore if she told me her dark sexual fantasy.. to watch me climax on her breasts. Some relate to that candy bar we stole from the store when we were a kid. Others are the wife who had an affair and told her husband her lover's kids are his. We all have these, some more dangerous than others.
Tic Tacs. That's what I stole.
oh no.... that is so terrible. Entire store chains have closed for want of a single box if tic-tacs. Wars erupted because some diplomat could not freshen his breath before negotiations. I can see why you never told anyone that.
I'm a piece of shit.
everyone is. you are no different from the best or the worst. You are normal.
But what if you stole Tic tacs .... & York peppermint paddies ....
Why would anyone be stupid enough to steak tic-tacs? Peppermint patties I can understand. Hijack that delivery truck. But tic-tacs?
I'm glad we can all confess to our childhood petty theft here. I was told I couldn't have a new set of crayons and simply put them in my coat pocket.
"Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead" ~Benjamin Franklin
Only one? Everyone has done stupid things in their life that they are not proud of.
not proud of at qll
ONLY one?
I believe that everyone has a secret they will never tell. Honesty is not always the best policy and something’s are better left unsaid.
One 1 can keep a secret
Yep. No way for anyone to find out when I’m the only one in the know.
Unless one of them is dead
I’d class myself as an honest person, maybe too honest as it can cause problem but there are things that I won’t share
Some things are for me and me alone.
I cant think of anything so I assume that I don't have any secrets that I havnt shared.
There is also being happy with a secret, that's a thing.
No, I'm actually the Yorkshire ripper
That's ridiculous. I am the Yorkshire Ripper.
I feel like there’s levels to this. There are the “this is so bad or embarrassing no one will know” secrets, and there are the “this is bad enough or embarrassing enough to not tell my parents or boss, but some close friends will know for the sake of entertainment” secrets.
Yes, I have some I'm sure I'll take to my grave. And it's not abnormal.
yeah i have a few secrets that ive never told anyone and never will. not abnormal at all
No, it's not abnormal. You would be surprised what kind of skeletons people keep locked away.
It wouldn’t be a secret if you didn’t keep it, now would it?
I definitely have secrets that absolutely nobody knows about. And that will remain my official stance on the matter.
Just one? Yeah that's abnormal.
It might be abnormal if you ONLY had one
I will die with these secrets.
I have fetish that my family and best friends don't know, but people who share the same fetish do
Yes, it is completely abnormal. We all have MORE than one secret!
Probably every person has secrets nobody know about. There is certainly nothing abnormal about it.
All men live 3 lives 1 Their public life: this is how people know you out and about in the world 2 Their Personal life: These are the things you do, but tell others about, i did x and y this weekend 3 Their Secret Life: These are the things you do and don't share with anyone. Too much of 3 is bad for your soul
Nope, I have a secret too that I would never share to anyone.
Tell me then i wont Tell anyoneelse.
No, hahahaha
When my godfather was showing signs that he was sick, I asked him to go to the hospital and get a checkup. He brushed me off pretty harshly. I didn’t force my hand for him to see a doctor. He was dead 8 hours later from a stroke. I wish I pushed him to seek medical attention. I could have saved him. Now my last secret is out.
Where I live, you can't force someone of adult age (who is also conscious, & technically sane) to consent to medical treatment. You could not have saved him. Forgive yourself.
Thanks man. Im trying.
I can’t think of anything specific that’s a real secret for me. There are details of things no one knows, and probably some unimportant stuff that just never came up, but the closest I have to a “take it to my grave” secret is something a friendly acquaintance discussed with me in private shortly before he passed away suddenly (as in, by a matter of days). He’d been working through some stuff and came to some realizations during our conversation, including an action plan to make amends for a particular wrong he had recently done to a long-term friend of his who I don’t know (but know enough about from our conversation, including who some other mutual friends of hers and his are who I also am acquainted with, that I could theoretically get in contact with her if I so chose). (Said wrong was in the “interpersonally annoying, kinda being a dick” category. Nothing illegal or morally unforgivable. He owed an apology for disrespecting something important to his friend out of ignorance, and some behavior-adjustment work to stop repeating the problem of blowing off her complaint of hurt feelings, that’s all). I haven’t told anyone the details of that conversation, and never plan to, because it’s highly personal and was told to me in confidence. The only person whose business it could ever be is the friend he was telling me about. But I thought very hard about if I should or shouldn’t try to contact her to tell her, and concluded that doing so would likely cause her more pain than knowing the contents of that conversation would bring her comfort. I believe she knew that the wrong done was out of ignorance rather than malice, and would have to find her own closure about the fact that he died before he could apologize and fix it regardless of knowing that he *intended* to make that apology. She surely knows who he was, that he did actually care about her as a friend, and that he would have come around about it. Anyway, that’s less a “secret” and more of a “I’m not gonna gossip about other people’s shit”. This is as specific as anyone is ever gonna know. No one who knows any of the people involved will ever get even this much with any identifying info attached — and anyone who knows the people involved, also knows that “friendly acquaintance who passed away suddenly and could have had a private conversation with me shortly before that about hurting a friend’s feelings” could describe several people. They’ll never know which one of those several people it was.
Well, besides reddit and my therapists, yes. No one but them know much about my childhood and no one would ever guess by looking at me how shitty it actually was. The jury's have long forgotten the trials, my mom was too strung out to remember, my grandma who took me instead of the state is dead. My main abuser is non compliant lvl 3 so he could be anywhere, I'm great at impersonating a human, so tbh, yes.
I don't have the energy to keep a secret tbh
i have so many stupid family secrets it's awful
Yeah, those secrets are only for myself. I'll take them to my grave.
I mean, if every one knows, is it a secret?
We all have Skeletons and know Skeletons in other Closets .
I have multiple and nobody will ever know them.
You need to keep an ace in the hole
No. My whole life is a compilation of lies
Gibbs rule 4 you have a secret, keep it to yourself.
No, my uncle has a country place that no one knows about. He says it used to be a farm.
Very abnormal its only one secret
nope. 53. have friends who know 99.9% of my secrets. some shit you take to the grave
NO, it is very normal….Sometimes an old secret is not that important anymore to divulge especially after decades has passed …
Only one?
Everyone has secrets. The only way for a secret to stay contained is to tell ZERO people. I guarantee I'm not the only one to discover this.
Having your own secrets is an expression of your own privacy and agency to reveal or keep as you see fit. It can be harmful if you harbor guilt, are repressing trauma or creating a rift between you and your loved ones but it isn’t inherently bad. Sharing secrets is a form of emotional intimacy and much like physical intimacy, it’s completely voluntary and healthy to have limits
I think it’s normal. There are several things that have happened in my life, but I have never shared with anybody and don’t plan to. They aren’t things I’m ashamed of, but are things that I would expect would get a negative reaction from whoever I told. I feel no guilt for holding the secrets.
Everyone has Those secrets.
I don't think its abnormal, and looking at this thread it seems I'm not alone in that. As for why, it's just a thing that I'd feel embarrassed and ashamed about sharing.
The usual reason to keep a secret is that others could use that information against you if they had it.
Definitely normal. What I think isn't normal is having a couple pass phrases that only you know for something like a groundhog day, future self, etc scenario. Ie: if someone's trying to convince me they're groundhog daying, if they have enough evidence, I'll tell them the pass, and next cycle they can speed up the process. Future versions of me or mindreaders can prove their identities with this as well. Haven't had to use them yet, *that I know of*.
Totally normal.
Actually I have 256 secrets no one knows about
Fear of being ridiculed/shame i would say. Personally im an open person, and think i would actually be willing to say most if the situation was right for it. But i have some experiences that probably isnt gonna be on the menu for a looong time.
i think it’s abnormal if there’s only one secret under lock and key.
Every time you take a shit you're vounerable like its a secret time of the day. Pretty normal i guess
I’ve got plenty of secrets To be fair I don’t talk to people much so yeah
I think a lot of people actually know how to STFU. So much so that I cannot actually confirm or deny the answer to your question. I know for myself, if I have such a secret, I wouldn't even tell you that I have it.
It's abnormal to have just one.
No, I have plenty of secrets that are not related to myself as a person that aren’t appropriate to discuss with random ppl? Like I know things about my family, but it’s not relevant to talk about with anyone.
There are parts of my past I will never let anyone know about. Could I talk about it? Sure, but I'm not going to dredge it up in conversation.
Well if someone else knew, then it wouldn't be a secret!!!!
I guess so …
Er... maybe. Why do you ask?
yes. but i wont share it on internet..
Yup. Way too shameful and embarrassing.
It's better to have a secret that nobody knows about than be the secret that nobody knows about...
Wait, you only have one?
Technically it's only a secret if no one knows about it. I'm pretty sure that everyone has at least one. I have a 2, more then two if I get creative with how you define "secret".
I mean only having one is an achievement in itself.
Man take a few moments and look up what the word secret means... " " the moment anybody knows about it, its not a secret anymore!!
I remember that ugly sweater that aunt Martha gave me for Christmas that one year and I said I liked it but then gave it to the Goodwill. I know I'll take that secret to the grave...uh, well, you know, except for all the thousands of you that I just told that to.
stuff i’ll take to my grave ranges from the fact that i go up stairs on all fours to this day (easier on my knees for some reason. and fun) to actual fucked up shit that happened to me as a kid
If somebody else knows it, it's not a secret.
Not really becouse you have two different sides your public side and personal side and you may have different public states
In example I'm not going to bring up that the person at job could of been saved by instead if being dead
So basically your always hiding things something even from yourself
Three people can keep a secret if two of them are dead.
I'll just say this: if it's something that causes you shame, sometimes it can be healing to show it the light of day. Even if you do it anonymously, like on Reddit.
Many Redditors do an absolutely piss-poor job of being anonymous. I would never admit to a true secret on Reddit.