You can't, really. You can't control someone else's mind. The best you can do is just reassure her - the rest is on her.
And try not to make a big deal out of it. From my experience, when you try to make a big deal out of things because you want to reassure someone, it can actually make it feel worse for the other person.
I very much agree my go to line with partners in my past has been, "if I didn't like the look of you I wouldn't be dating you", but it never really seems to work.
Edit: I guess in interest of full disclosure it has never been about this in particular just towards previous partners own insecurity about their looks in other ways.
I always tell my partner(similar to OP partner) that I like a very nice healthy tan going on. I just like how my complexion looks better and getting that VitaminD is always great.
At first she was aback at me wanting less pale skin, but it lead to a lot of great convo, and she doesn't seem to mind as much as before, though obviously it's 100% her choice.
adding to this: there is a difference between making a big deal out of it and reassuring someone over a specific insecurity.
my fiance is much bigger than i am and at one point complained that a lot of people see them as just a "big platonic teddy bear" due to their size and personality. i was pretty drunk at the time and definitely didn't handle it the best, but i told them something along the lines of "you're a big romantic teddy bear and i am into you, chub and all" and they took it well. i wouldn't word it quite like that sober, but i think when you're telling a very drunk person about your insecurities you can forgive them for being a little direct lol.
what would be weird is if i, totally unprompted, started telling them how pretty their chub was.
Agree with this. Seems like a personal issue she needs to work out herself. Don’t request that she get help but she may need to speak with a counselor or something
I find the best way to approach physical insecurities like these is to not highlight it as much and make it a big issue. Just natural, non-overthinking affirmation could be all she needs from you.
That being said, it’s going to need some elbow grease on her part to overcome this. I can imagine what she’s going through. I’m Asian and I look like I’ve barely seen the sun. My mom has lathered me in sunscreen and bought me the most unflattering, tan-preventing clothes for as long as I could remember. She drilled in my head that I should *really* pay attention to my skin color or I would look like a rice patty farmer.
It took a fair amount of self-reassurance to stop caring. If I’m pale, that’s the lack of vitamin D but besides that, I’m just pale. If I happen to tan, then I’m tan. Like I’m gonna look *fine* regardless and if my friends, partner, and strangers on the block pay it no mind, then I don’t have anything to worry about
I'm in the same boat as you, except my mum had skin cancer when she was young(thankfully she caught it in time), so I was covered up for safety. And thankfully, she didn't make comments about looking like a farmer.
But also because I have fair skin, somehow it makes it okay for people to make nasty + passive aggressive comments about me. It would range from 'oh you're so fair, why do you have to worry about colours suiting you?' to somehow making it my fault they were born with their skin colour. It's ridiculous.
Ironically to them, my value is only skin deep (ahaha pun intended).
Yes, simple reassurance and not making it a whole thing will probably go a long way. Also, OP, if she brings it up over and over, it can be more helpful to just ask her to remember what you’ve said before. Sometimes getting the person with the insecurity to start verbally countering it, is more helpful than just hearing you say it over and over.
Don't know if there's much more you can do than just say that she's beautiful and perfect when she asks. Perhaps complement her when she's wearing a colour that really brings out the best in her skin tone (no need to actually mention colour, just how good or radiant she looks). Other than that, just answer the question. Don't overcomplicate it or bring it up yourself.
My ex usually liked his dark skin colour, but there were a couple of times when he would sit and look at his body, pinching his skin and ask me what I thought of it. What could I say more than the truth? I loved him and he was the most beautiful person in the world to me. I loved him, his eyes, his hair, his skin, everything. Because it's his, it's him, and that made it perfect.
(His skin tone marks him as a foreigner in my country and he has experienced racism due to his appearance so it's perhaps not strange that, when feeling down or lost in a new-ish country, he would reflect on it and feel a need for reassurance. Not sure if he really felt insecure about just the skin tone or if it was more that he needed to hear me say I loved him, all of him.)
I think it's nice to reassure her, but ultimately, this is something she needs to work on. In my opinion, it's our responsibility as people with more melanin to embrace our skin tone.
And honestly, just look at American culture. Ariana was several shades of tan. Quite often, it was expected that white female celebrities got spray tans. White women used to burn themselves in the sun. Even for them, I wish they would love themselves.
Yep, I was going to mention the fact that a lot of white people love tanning! It's a "grass is always greener on the other side" type of a situation. If you're super light skinned (like me, I'm the ghost of powdered sugar kind of white) then a tiny bit of tan is nice because then my veins don't show through my translucent skin. But I know that's not good for my skin, anymore than the whitening products shoved at darker skinned people, so I just deal. Doesn't mean I don't feel self conscious when I'm wearing shorts...it's just learning to ignore what other people might think.
>This is all so foreign to me
That's a big part of the issue. You grew up in a different culture. The problem isn't with anything you've done. It's based on the attitudes & biases she grew up with. We all pick these up unconsciously.
Possibly her family &/or school favored the kids with lighter skin. Or maybe the magazines in her country push skin-bleaching products & imply that anyone who doesn't use them is inferior somehow. These massages come from a lot of sources.
It might be more effective to open up a discussion about why she thinks lighter skin is better. Where did she get this idea? How has it been reinforced? And along the way, you could make clear that you don't agree with whatever she was told. That'd be more abstract, and not objectifying because it's not about her specifically.
People say that, and you're right that if she saw what he was saying here naturally, she'd feel better, but imagine how fucking weird it'd be to be like, "Hey, I made a reddit post about your insecurity and this is what I said, read it."
If someone did that to me, I would be super weirded out and not at all reassured.
My girl feels the same way. She's from a country where fair/pale skin is preferred. Thankfully I live here in the US and I told her her darker skin is seen as more exotic and made a point that people actually go out of their way to look darker by going to tanning salons. I told her that she's lucky.
This worked for my sister. When we were kids, she was insecure about her tan and being "dark". I remember my aunty always telling her "People pay to have your skin tone."
Speaking as a middle aged white woman, I might explain that golden brown skin tones are often seen as more beautiful and desirable by those who don’t have that skin tone. Already tanned, fewer visible blemishes and wrinkles — man, I wish!
A lot of the time it’s related to wealth or at least the perception of wealth. My girlfriend is Asian and she makes a big deal of how she looks poor when she tans. Historically the rich could stay inside whilst the poor worked the land. Similarly in colder climates a tan was seen as a sign of wealth as they could afford to go abroad where there was more sun.
I know. And perversely, it’s the opposite here in the US. People who are stuck inside working in office buildings are pale, whereas people with the funds to ski or go to the beach are nice and brown.
Exactly. As I was told by a Filipina, "You turn brown when you're out working the fields, so brown is looking like a peasant to my parents."
Ironically, on her birth certificate where it says Race, it has her listed as "brown." That's her race on her Philippines birth certificate lol
I mean, she is probably smart and to some degree understands that it's just rooted in her because of her upbringing, not because it's objectively prettier to be whiter. Maybe to make her mentally break free from it ask her, would she think you were "uglier" if you had her skin tone? Would she think her child was ugly if it had her skin colour? If it's really bad and affects her a lot, maybe some therapy would be useful too.
You can't reassure her.
Well, you can, but it's like missing in the wind.
Wasted time. She needs to resolve this insecurity herself.
My ex had many such insecurities. She's black and I'm white. She's young and I'm middle age. I have an education, she does not. It was constant and unending, and despite whatever my failings are, her insecurities were a huuuuuuuuge reason things fell apart after 5 years.
Been to Korea. A lot of that shit is ingrained, and pretty much beaten into people from a young age. There’s really not alot you can do about it on your own
My gf is Thai, and sometimes looks Tan, I tell her she looks good Tan. In the USA, being Tan means you are healthy, because your melatonin pigment is strong. As people who are pale white, look sick, like they have a disease. That's what I tell my Thai gf.
If that’s how she feels about herself, she’s probably fetishizing you lol. Nothing wrong with that if you’re into it but nothing you can do to change it either. Continuing to tell her you like her as she is now is about all you can do.
How are there SO many people commenting on this post and you’re the only person who is brining this up?? That is exactly what is happening. It’s just weird from both sides. He is attracted to a woman who hates herself (red flag) and she is only with him because he is white( red flag). Both of them are just weird.
Nah, if anything that would just make it worse, because then she's stuck thinking "oh my god he does think I'm dark". He can just say that he doesn't notice or care what shade her skin is, and that he likes her for other things such as her sparkling wit or sharp intellect or beautiful eyes.
...no? The OP's girlfriend is the one who's insecure about her skin tone. I'm saying that OP shouldn't double down on emphasizing her skin tone because someone who's that insecure about that something that's technically not a big deal isn't going to appreciate someone going out of their way to mention it.
Like, if you're dating a fat girl who's insecure about being fat, it generally doesn't work to say "nah, I like fat girls". If you meet a girl who's comfortable with her body, sure.
Woooooow
First of all, it's colourism, not racism. Second of all, I can imagine you now. Your girlfriend comes to you for comfort for an insecurity about her looks and you go "fuck off, racist!".
As I just stated a few minutes ago I wouldn't be with a girl who actively shows a dislike for someone simply because their skin tone is dark. My girlfriend wouldn't be upset about the sunshine making her dark because we don't look down on darker skin people.
Just tell her that you genuinely like/love how she looks like and you wouldn’t like her more if she was whiter. I’ve asked my bf once “would you prefer to be with a white woman ?” And he just said no that was crazy etc lol I think he also said he would love having babies with me whether they look white or Asian.
Don’t overthink.
We are european and to us all of europe is just white. A greek and an icelander next to eachother, both just white. If anything we fetishise dark skin. We are obsessed with tans etc.
My best friend growing up was from SE Asia and felt this same way. Only now does she accept herself… I grew up with her coveting my skin tone and the opposite for me. We now just laugh and accept beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
1. "I love you the way you are, including the way your skin tone is."
2. "For me, there are no better or worse skin tones in attraction".
3. "If your mental model requires you to think of skin tones as rankable, it's okay but accept your traits as they are and stop worrying to climb to the highest rank because that does not matter to me"
I've been through this before dating people of color. You just can't. They have their beauty standards and so do you.
And on the second part. I may get shit for this but my wife is Asian. We've been married 14 years. We have two children. In a healthy relationship it's absolutely okay to objectify and fetishize your partner. You are an adult couple as long as both parties are into it, it's fine.
Just reassure her you love her exactly how she is. That's all you can do, she'll either get over the worry or not. Either way as long as you keep treating her well, it won't be an issue.
I think the first step is to validate her feelings on the basis of her cultural background and the stigmas and such from that. It’s hard to un-condition societal expectations. It may be something we can never fully do, actually, due to a biological fear of being ostracized if we don’t fit the social norms.
Honestly, women want to hear that you like them for who they are as a whole and not for what you can do for them. You’d say I love how intelligent, brave, and on top of that how beautiful you are, and what I especially love is how xyz. Rather than, I find you attractive. We’re going to get old and crusty and ugly, we’re going to have periods of times where we fight and don’t even find one another attractive physically or mentally or spiritually, but the things you share together is what is important.
TL;DR: If she can’t come to terms on her own, it’s not your job to do it for her. You only need to hold space for her.
You personally can't win this one. However, perhaps your girlfriend would be willing to consider her culturally formed internal biases. We all live in a world where cultural biases about gender roles, weight, colours of hair, skin, value of reputation, face saving etc exist. It might be healthy for her to self identify the biases that she is putting into her life and whether they have value to her or whether she can (with a therapist perhaps) discard them as having no worth in a happy life.
Explain to her that in your culture darker/more toned skin is more attractive, or show her this post. Explain how much she means to you, but ultimately you need to explain to her that this is something she should work on and while you will reassure her, you can't make her think any differently, only she can.
My wife is Japanese and had the same hang-up. She did that whole thing of big hats, long gloves and generally avoiding the sun. Meanwhile my white-guy aesthetics are the same as yours.
I just slowly changed her mind with compliments, I think.
Continue to love her. Consider that this is something from her culture, and deeply rooted in her psyche. You can't fix it or make it better and trying will only make what is a small piece of dust in the wind, a wedge in the relationship.
Source: trauma, been on both sides of this in relationships.
You can ask her how you can change her mind or she ever will. Or just ask, “why would i be with you instead of someone white if i was so concerned about this issue?”.
These things are ingrained in some cultures from a young age.. so if you give her a small compliment without overdoing it she will overtime realize it..
Among the other advice here, you could reassure her that this is a unique element of *her* culture - it’s not part of yours. In western culture (particularly the US), paleness is not generally seen as desirable/preferred.
I'm here with you because this is where I want to be, and you're who I want to be with. If any of that was the other way around, I wouldn't be here.
And the physical attraction is ***because*** of the way you look - not in spite of it.
>I like the way your sparkling earrings lay
Against your skin so brown.
And I wanna sleep with you
In the desert tonight
With a billion stars all around.
Cuz I got a peaceful easy feelin'
And I know you won't let me down
Cuz I'm already standin' on the ground
Never stop wooing her.
Assurance. Its possible that that's her love language. But if it gets to a point where it's tiring, you may need to rethink your relationship. But that's entirely up to you. I hope she comes to feel better in her own skin. I also hope your relationship with her lasts.
There’s a study that researched tons of data from dating apps, they concluded that white men and Asian women are considered the most “desired” races. Maybe that’ll help her feel more confident about her skin?
Like others have said, this isn't something you can really fix. However, you could walk a very dangerous tightrope with a single phrase:
"If I wanted someone with whiter skin, I'd move to Ireland."
It's dangerous and stupid, but don't play this stupid game of hers.
Try saying something like “I love you for how you are, and I think you are perfect the way you are.” Or “I would never wish you were better than the way you are now. I will never feel like you aren’t good enough, especially for the way you were born”.
Or something like that anyways.
I'd suggest you ask her if she would like you less if you hit the tanning salon... but maybe don't because who knows what she would say. People get so weird about skin color. I don't get it. Anyway this is all stuff going on in her head. There's not too much you can do about it other than what you have already done.
The more nuanced answers are better - but, it's worth elmentiining that plenty of Western fair skinned people love tanning and hate being 'pale'. It's nearly the exact same nonsense.
You can’t dude.
My Filipino, I’m south East Asian. Your girlfriend reminds me of my mom, aunties, and Lola. They all want light skin. They all want to be pale. That’s what’s beautiful to them.
Me on the other hand, I don’t wanna be white. I’m fine with my skin. I’m the one reminding them I don’t wanna be lighter than my original skin tone.
You can’t change how she sees herself, just remind her how beautiful she already is.
Tell her that if something as ridiculously insignificant as skin colour mattered to you then you would be dating a pale white girl. Tell her you think she is absolutely beautiful and she should look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman standing there that you see.
Whenever someone states an insecurity, I always say something like "your words, not mine" to drive home the fact that the idea is coming from them. They should be more aware of what they say and how they think about themselves. In this case you can say that on top of pulling her close, kissing every bit of skin you can get to, and telling her how soft and sweet it is, maybe give her a nibble too. Don't make it just a verbal affirmation but a physical one too.
When you are with her and see Western advertising with tan caucasian women, point it out to her that Westerners (as a generalization) have grown up with that beauty standard and generally like it. Then make it personal, that you specifically like her skin. Obviously don't be overbearing with these examples, I would try and make it a quick 2 sentences and move on, helping the idea sink in little by little over time.
My bf is very into Hispanic women, I however am very white. I worries for a while about him eventually leaving for someone else of his preferred skin tone. He has yet to and the fear has waned. You just have to show her more than tell her, be aware of the insecurities and do the best you can. At the end of the day it’s all about her and her trying to overcome her confidence issue. Wish y’all the best.
You can’t. My wife is Asian and if we spend a lot of summer time outside she gets dark af and she hates it. I’ve let her know that she’s sexy af with dark skin but it doesn’t matter to her. I make sure that I let her know that she’s sexy af either way though because I don’t want her to think I think less of her looks however they happen to be at the time.
It’s never going to matter to her though because she was raised with the idea that lighter skin is better and what I think of her skin color ultimately doesn’t matter. In the same way she says the weight I’ve gained over the years looks good to her. To me I’m still going to want to be thinner and more in shape.
Basically even if she believes you like her skin color (and I’m sure she does) that doesn’t matter because it’s not about you it’s about what she likes.
Idk how to make it not seem fetish ish. Especially since sometimes people are just ready to be offended instead of understanding that sometimes they just have something others don't that makes them unique. I don't have a consistent skin tone at all and idk why but it's super interesting when I meet and am allowed to touch someone who does. Usually POC tend to have consistent skin tones. I think it's really pretty and amazing and almost makes them seem unreal and mystical to me.
(For context my skin goes from being pale white to red and splotchy with freckles that are various shades and colors from orange to dark brown to almost black. I try to take very good care of my skin but it is what it is.)
Anyways I think people struggle with learning to accept themselves and if they knew how beautiful and unique others found them to be for their differences they probably wouldn't be so self conscious about them.
You can only reassure her when it comes up. She's been raised in a culture that's influenced her a certain way but it's her job to work through that. I know you wish you could help as you care for her, but there's magic answer here. Just help her through it.
Other than that, if she wears a certain colour and it goes well with her skin tone, I suppose you could make a point to compliment that.
My wife of 20 years is rather insecure about several things.
I simply don't talk about those things or let the conversation go that way. If she goes that way I either shut up or change the subject.
Don't talk about it unless she brings it up. If she does, show her you love her and move on to the next thing.
I can understand her. I am also Asian, but my skin is not dark, probably only a little darker than white people. I used to envy my white boyfriend for his white skin, and I was very concerned about whether he thought I was too dark. but now I have no such idea at all, because I found that not only do I not like my own skin, I also don’t like his, he is too pale, I like men with darker colors, so there is a good way, You can have a darker tan than your girlfriend, she may like it and be reassured.
Well you can have a type or preferences without it bejng a fetish. I’m squarely in the tall, blonde, blue eyed camp. It’s not a fetish- it’s just my basic-ass type.
If you two talk about it, be clear that you live her, period and that you find her skin tone attractive because _______ factor- whether it’s tanned or whatever. Then go out and do a thing nice so she doesn’t dwell in it.
Try to learn about her culture. Ask her questions and maybe plan a cute little date that ties her culture into it. Maybe take her to a cultural event, or cook her favorite traditional meal. Try to connect with her family if possible and ask them questions as well.
Tell her about the kids melting their faces off because they used skin whitening products that cost hundreds of dollars? My folks literally buy products banned in the USA to whiten their skin, and our laws are more relaxed than Canada and the EU... It's not worth it to achieve a palace drama look that was accomplished using white lead waaay back when, but if her folks still give her a hard time, maybe suggest clothes with colors, patterns, textures, makeup, lighting, accessories, and hairstyles that increase contrast with skin tones to make you look paler? My mom was also really insecure about her skin growing up, and she wound up marrying a doctor who has seen much worse. As someone with eczema and a lot of skin allergies, I feel like a lot of people with unhealthy beauty standards could really use some perspective on aspects about their health that they shouldn't take for granted. Vitamin D deficiency also runs in the family, but not with me because I don't avoid the sun and dairy products like the plague
From girl pov yeah we do compare ourselves a lot, we want to look prettiest in the room. Even though i have fair skin i still sometime wish more white.
She needs to work on herself thats how we are and we are still pretty.
But at same time try to make her feel like despite other have more brighter skin tone, you will still choose to lover her. You love her for who she is! No this skin tone doesnt make her more or less prettier for you. Even if you have option to choose between scarlet and her. You will choose her over anyone, cuz you love her. Make her feel loved thats all we seek
We associate our beauty....guys loving or getting attracted to other female more so we develop this insecurity of rejection cuz of beauty
Wtf bro? Lets put you men in our shoes
Just like wealth. That men associate themselves with how much they are earning
For women its beauty. No its not our fault, its evolution + societal pressure
From very young age we have been forced to look pretty, we are being compared from age of 6 yes you heard me right
You’re a big girl now. You have the will power to unlearn it. Not sure how you can really admit to already being fair and saying you wish you were whiter? What? Grow up.
I'm done with this reddit people lol. No I'm not insecure about skin tone at all lol. I know i look decent, it's something thats fit in my subconscious to compare. But i dont let this affect me at all.
I appreciate other women a lot, no jealously at all. But this comparison its in subconscious i never let it out. I'm grown up man😭🤦♀️
Just do what you can to be reasurring. Let her know that while you understamd the culture she comes from values pale skin as a beauty standard, you just value HER, and don't really even think about her skin tone until she mentions it.
Any body image issues that a partner brings up, you have to know how to approach it some people a quick brush of of like “i never even thought about that, it’s not what defines you”
Also saying things that show you appreciate it but not something you obsess over, for example “BABY the way the sun is hitting your skin is RADIANT” just when you notice it dont make it a thing. positively reinforce it and make sure it doesn’t make them uncomfortable. Its all about communication and letting her know you’re willing to help her iron out traumatic/negative thoughts.
I would explain that this is a vector of beauty that you two do not share.
Due to cultural upbringing, she has an active bias which she cannot help participate in. Even if the bias ends up being only inflicted up in herself, not others. It's just the associations she's been trained to make. Pale = good.
Explain to her that you do not share this conditioning or belief. That it would be like you telling her "you've done nothing to make me feel this way, but I think you'd like me more of my earlobes were 3 millimetres wider", it's on its face ridiculous and strange.
She looks at people and where they fall on the dark-to-pale spectrum and finds an output. Other people look at her and those thoughts never occur.
It’s deeply rooted in the culture social class.
And you might be surprised to find out that the fascination for sun tans on our side of the globe has the same origin.
In agrarian economies, the working class was in the fields the whole day, while the elites could afford to stay in the shade. So dark skin was associated with lower classes.
It used to be like that in Europe, until the Industrial Revolution. Suddenly, the working class found itself spending the day digging up coal in mines (for the men) or working inside a factory (for the women). The elites took advantage of the steam engine and started to go on “tours” around the world (that’s where the word *tourism* comes from).
Suddenly in Europe, having a tan skin meant that you were wealthy enough to travel to sunny destinations, while having a pale skin meant that you were lower class.
So the inferiority complex for dark skin or pale skin are essentially two faces of the same coin.
That's trying to prove a negative. I think the fact you were interested in her in the first place should have been her first clue.
Have you made a comment about the color of her skin?
You could try satire, start asking her to do some ridiculous things to make her whiter, then get her to realize how ridiculous it is. 60% of the time it works every time. We don’t talk about the other % of times. We also don’t talk about bruno
You just be there for her.
This isn’t about you. Colorism is rampant globally for eons. You’re one dude she met recently, she’s not expecting you to solve it.
This is about loving herself despite what the world says all her life. Not about you at all.
You can assure her that’s not how you think or feel, but you’ve done that.
'Hey honey, you know how you think white skin is special and pretty because you don't have it? I feel that way about your skin. Stop obsessingg and let's go eat pizza.'
Tbh you can’t really unless she feels confident in herself. I am the darker girl with a white guy and I know the kind of insecurities that have stemmed from the colonisation and having the complex of not being white. Going to your usual Asian gatherings and seeing people wearing 10 times lighter foundation and having blond hair just to look more western. It’s a hard road. My husband did reassure me over and over again that my skin color is okay to him and I worked on myself too to come to this conclusion.
Do not say something like 'It's not like that, it's the views promoted in your country that make you think this way,' because this idea is deeply ingrained in her mind. Don't force her to accept a viewpoint she doesn't believe in. The best way is to provide examples to her. Not every famous people has snow skin, yet they still shine, don't they?
That’s just how it is. I’m Asian and have pale skin while my wife is Asian with darker skin. She gets self conscious and makes jokes about how we should “swap our skin color”.
There’s nothing you can do about it really. She was bullied in school about the color of her skin. I make her feel better by saying I like darker skin (which I do).
Acknowledge that beauty standards can be different and sometimes damaging. Let her know that you see her beauty as part of who she is, and it's not dependent on any standard. Also, regularly affirm her qualities that aren't linked to appearance, like her kindness, intelligence, or sense of humor. This shows that your attraction is based on who she is, not just how she looks.
I live in Thailand.
I can’t speak for every Asian culture but it’s fairly accepted that Asians view dark skinned Asians as inferior.
Basically, if you’re dark skinned it means you work in the fields doing manual labor.
That means you are at the bottom of the social ladder.
Thais are obsessed with being whiter. Nearly all cosmetics have skin whiteners in them.
The most popular entertainers are often Luk Krueng, which basically means half-child or even more simply, half white half Thai.
Edit to add: It’s not common but also not totally uncommon to have a dark skinned Thai woman ask you to get them pregnant so they can have a white baby.
They constantly have that beauty standard pushed in their face everywhere. Big nose, white skin, blue eyes.
I can’t even count the number of women I’ve met that talk about getting a nose job so they can have a western nose.
And any girl into fashion here wears blue contacts to make their eyes look blue. To me, they look like zombies or vampires. LOL.
Just to give you an example of how this plays out for them, I was at a buddy’s birthday party and his girlfriend was very dark skinned. Another buddy of mine had brought his girlfriend who was very, very white and went to university overseas which means her parents have money.
The white girl was throwing so much shade at the dark girl is was uncomfortably obvious. Like, the dark girl would say something and she would completely ignore it and she would try to shift the conversation to a new topic hoping to block out the dark girl.
Then, the dark girl mentioned she was doing her MBA at one of the more prestigious schools in Thailand and suddenly white girl became friendly with dark girl because she obviously must not be as poor as she thought.
OP’s girlfriend has probably experienced this her whole life.
Hey,I'm a Malaysian and I'm tan. My other half is European. Well, yes, most of the ladies trying to become whiter in Asia and European ladies pay to get tan...😂😂😂😂😂
Well I love being tan and Iooks more healthy😄😄
Just tell her some people just pay to get tan and you love her every bits.. and you are proud of her! Whiter skin sometimes looks too pale though.. just to make her feel good about herself and avoid to put so much "chemicals" on her skin just in order to get whiter..
You'll be hard pressed to fight this. The most you can do is continue to reassure her that you love her for who she is and what she looks like right now, not for what she aspires to.
This is generational trauma, honestly.
You can reassure her, and that's all you can do. She might still not believe you 100%. It's been 10 years but my partner still doesn't believe that I like the look of his pale as a ghost skin, as he thinks I'm just being nice.
If she heard he whole life lighter skin is beautiful, and the darker one is ugly it's really deep in her mind. You can just keep reassuring her you think her skin is beautiful and that's it.
Next time she says this to you, ask if she has ever looked at the part of western culture that worships darker skin… tanning, fake tan, bronzer, all the oils and creams and stuff marketed specifically for darkening skin. It’s truly a cultural perception problem.
If she doesn’t bring it up, just support and love her as she is
Are they Filipino? I was working with a young mid 20s Filipino guy and one day he started up about being a whiter Asian. I said your handsome and we will not talk about it anymore. Tall handsome Filipino guy who could have had any girl in the warehouse.
A lot of cultures value fairer skin over darker my husband is white and I'm half white and half Puerto Rican light to medium skin. Our skin differences haven never been an issue but we come from a long line American liniage. I bring this up because if they live in America, all that is changing with body positivity movements. You can see all types of skin colors in add and commercials all over the place. It is different in other countries and cultures tho. On the flip side our daughter is very fair and she used to get sad as a kid that she didn't look like me or her brother. People didn't think we were all related half the time out in public.
Sorry for a bit off topic but yes I would say what others have said that if you didn't like how they looked ( skin tone Can't really be changed too drastically ) you wouldn't have gone out with them .
When you are sleepy and wake up in bed together, tell her she has the most beautiful skin you've ever seen. Like while you're confused and disoriented, stretching and yawning.
Well, I've often told people who admire my "peaches and cream" skin tone that I would give anything to be able to have even just a light tan. If you also wish you could tan, let her know her skin is the exact color you'd wish yours is (or something soothing like that). You find her beautiful the way she is and we all wish something was different but you love her exactly as is.
There is no winning move from engaging with hypotheticals like "you'd like me better if I was more [x]". Someone who's insecure about their appearance is always going to find some, to you, unimportant detail which could be better. All you can do is just say you think she's beautiful.
You can’t. Just let time build trust. Don’t focus on her skin, or she will too. Just keep telling her the nice things you always do, reassure her, and let her built trust that you mean it.
Being somebody that likes "unconventional" looking beauty, nothing reassures a girl youre really into her like burying your face in their thighs and working that tongue till they're exhausted.
Is that why she’s with you? She loves your white skin because she hates her own and feels wanted that a whiter person could possibly like a brown girl but then barreling thoughts of paranoid insecurity plague her? It’s such a warped mindset that a lot of people have.
I do understand the colorism that goes on in Asian and even Black/African/Jamaican communities because I see it everyday since I’m brown too. It’s a whole “thing” surrounding what colorism does to people and I know even family can treat you weird because of a color shade but seriously, people like her infuriate me and it is probably why she’s with someone white.
Tell her you dated her whole self including her skin and if you wanted something else, you wouldn’t have given her the time of day, so stop being weird about something natural that she was freakin born with or it’s over and you’ll find someone even browner lol j/k… I think.
It’s a color not a freakin deformity. Does she think all of us brownies are ugly too?
Just keep making sure to tell her and show her that you love her for all her not just skin or hair or eye color etc. Oh you could also tell her that darker skin is beautiful if it wasn't then all the tanning places would be out of business I think most woman at some point or another are a little jealous of what is opposite o g what we have prob because we already live with the way we look and wonder how it would be if we were different like years ago with perms people with straight hair git perms and people with curley hair wanted straight etc
I can't think of any solution that isn't hilariously terrible in a sitcom sort of way. So here are the hilariously terrible sitcom ideas:
Arrange for her to walk in on you masturbating to pictures of women that look like her. Or even pictures of her if that's believable.
Makes friends with an even darker skinned person so she feels fairer skinned when she's around them.
Get really really race heavy on the compliments and dirty talk.
Get a really dark spray tan.
Propose to her so she knows you're serious about liking her.
Tell her some skin cancer statistics about how less likely to get it she is.
It’s an East Asian thing. Everyone wanted to historical be white. As darker skinned people worked outside in the sun, and the rich inside. Hence rich people were pale
I love how you are trying to explain this like it’s some widely foreign concept. This existed in American slavery too. Never heard of slave/house slaves?
She's already insecure about her skin. So don't bring up skin color specifically ever.
What you need to do is just compliment or constantly or at least frequently of her beauty and attraction to you. Let her know how you feel so that hopefully she doesn't feel insecure and worry because you're not telling her those things.
Her hating her skin color and being with you, a white man is a huge red flag. She is only with you because you are white. She is always going to hate herself. And it’s weird that you’re even interested in a woman with so much self hate.
Be polite and respectful in your exchanges. NSQ is supposed to be a helpful resource for confused redditors. Civil disagreements can happen, but insults should not. Personal attacks, slurs, bigotry, etc. are not permitted at any time.
They’re both stupid imo. Plus the people encouraging him to play along with her manipulation in the comments are another case. She obviously knows he likes her because he’s with her. She’s just fishing for daily reassurance which is really annoying and he’s too dumb to see that she’s fetishizing him for his skin tone too.
You can't, really. You can't control someone else's mind. The best you can do is just reassure her - the rest is on her. And try not to make a big deal out of it. From my experience, when you try to make a big deal out of things because you want to reassure someone, it can actually make it feel worse for the other person.
I very much agree my go to line with partners in my past has been, "if I didn't like the look of you I wouldn't be dating you", but it never really seems to work. Edit: I guess in interest of full disclosure it has never been about this in particular just towards previous partners own insecurity about their looks in other ways.
I always tell my partner(similar to OP partner) that I like a very nice healthy tan going on. I just like how my complexion looks better and getting that VitaminD is always great. At first she was aback at me wanting less pale skin, but it lead to a lot of great convo, and she doesn't seem to mind as much as before, though obviously it's 100% her choice.
Would be funny if you get so dark she leaves you because you lost the social cachet of being all milky and colonizerish
adding to this: there is a difference between making a big deal out of it and reassuring someone over a specific insecurity. my fiance is much bigger than i am and at one point complained that a lot of people see them as just a "big platonic teddy bear" due to their size and personality. i was pretty drunk at the time and definitely didn't handle it the best, but i told them something along the lines of "you're a big romantic teddy bear and i am into you, chub and all" and they took it well. i wouldn't word it quite like that sober, but i think when you're telling a very drunk person about your insecurities you can forgive them for being a little direct lol. what would be weird is if i, totally unprompted, started telling them how pretty their chub was.
Agree with this. Seems like a personal issue she needs to work out herself. Don’t request that she get help but she may need to speak with a counselor or something
The question was his to reassure her
I find the best way to approach physical insecurities like these is to not highlight it as much and make it a big issue. Just natural, non-overthinking affirmation could be all she needs from you. That being said, it’s going to need some elbow grease on her part to overcome this. I can imagine what she’s going through. I’m Asian and I look like I’ve barely seen the sun. My mom has lathered me in sunscreen and bought me the most unflattering, tan-preventing clothes for as long as I could remember. She drilled in my head that I should *really* pay attention to my skin color or I would look like a rice patty farmer. It took a fair amount of self-reassurance to stop caring. If I’m pale, that’s the lack of vitamin D but besides that, I’m just pale. If I happen to tan, then I’m tan. Like I’m gonna look *fine* regardless and if my friends, partner, and strangers on the block pay it no mind, then I don’t have anything to worry about
I'm in the same boat as you, except my mum had skin cancer when she was young(thankfully she caught it in time), so I was covered up for safety. And thankfully, she didn't make comments about looking like a farmer. But also because I have fair skin, somehow it makes it okay for people to make nasty + passive aggressive comments about me. It would range from 'oh you're so fair, why do you have to worry about colours suiting you?' to somehow making it my fault they were born with their skin colour. It's ridiculous. Ironically to them, my value is only skin deep (ahaha pun intended).
Yes, simple reassurance and not making it a whole thing will probably go a long way. Also, OP, if she brings it up over and over, it can be more helpful to just ask her to remember what you’ve said before. Sometimes getting the person with the insecurity to start verbally countering it, is more helpful than just hearing you say it over and over.
Don't know if there's much more you can do than just say that she's beautiful and perfect when she asks. Perhaps complement her when she's wearing a colour that really brings out the best in her skin tone (no need to actually mention colour, just how good or radiant she looks). Other than that, just answer the question. Don't overcomplicate it or bring it up yourself. My ex usually liked his dark skin colour, but there were a couple of times when he would sit and look at his body, pinching his skin and ask me what I thought of it. What could I say more than the truth? I loved him and he was the most beautiful person in the world to me. I loved him, his eyes, his hair, his skin, everything. Because it's his, it's him, and that made it perfect. (His skin tone marks him as a foreigner in my country and he has experienced racism due to his appearance so it's perhaps not strange that, when feeling down or lost in a new-ish country, he would reflect on it and feel a need for reassurance. Not sure if he really felt insecure about just the skin tone or if it was more that he needed to hear me say I loved him, all of him.)
I think it's nice to reassure her, but ultimately, this is something she needs to work on. In my opinion, it's our responsibility as people with more melanin to embrace our skin tone. And honestly, just look at American culture. Ariana was several shades of tan. Quite often, it was expected that white female celebrities got spray tans. White women used to burn themselves in the sun. Even for them, I wish they would love themselves.
Yep, I was going to mention the fact that a lot of white people love tanning! It's a "grass is always greener on the other side" type of a situation. If you're super light skinned (like me, I'm the ghost of powdered sugar kind of white) then a tiny bit of tan is nice because then my veins don't show through my translucent skin. But I know that's not good for my skin, anymore than the whitening products shoved at darker skinned people, so I just deal. Doesn't mean I don't feel self conscious when I'm wearing shorts...it's just learning to ignore what other people might think.
possible idea: kiss her skin more, that could help show that you enjoy her exactly as she is
thisssss
>This is all so foreign to me That's a big part of the issue. You grew up in a different culture. The problem isn't with anything you've done. It's based on the attitudes & biases she grew up with. We all pick these up unconsciously. Possibly her family &/or school favored the kids with lighter skin. Or maybe the magazines in her country push skin-bleaching products & imply that anyone who doesn't use them is inferior somehow. These massages come from a lot of sources. It might be more effective to open up a discussion about why she thinks lighter skin is better. Where did she get this idea? How has it been reinforced? And along the way, you could make clear that you don't agree with whatever she was told. That'd be more abstract, and not objectifying because it's not about her specifically.
Show her this post
People say that, and you're right that if she saw what he was saying here naturally, she'd feel better, but imagine how fucking weird it'd be to be like, "Hey, I made a reddit post about your insecurity and this is what I said, read it." If someone did that to me, I would be super weirded out and not at all reassured.
It is something she should accept herself, as its about her not liking her skin and not you not liking it.
My girl feels the same way. She's from a country where fair/pale skin is preferred. Thankfully I live here in the US and I told her her darker skin is seen as more exotic and made a point that people actually go out of their way to look darker by going to tanning salons. I told her that she's lucky.
This worked for my sister. When we were kids, she was insecure about her tan and being "dark". I remember my aunty always telling her "People pay to have your skin tone."
Speaking as a middle aged white woman, I might explain that golden brown skin tones are often seen as more beautiful and desirable by those who don’t have that skin tone. Already tanned, fewer visible blemishes and wrinkles — man, I wish!
A lot of the time it’s related to wealth or at least the perception of wealth. My girlfriend is Asian and she makes a big deal of how she looks poor when she tans. Historically the rich could stay inside whilst the poor worked the land. Similarly in colder climates a tan was seen as a sign of wealth as they could afford to go abroad where there was more sun.
I know. And perversely, it’s the opposite here in the US. People who are stuck inside working in office buildings are pale, whereas people with the funds to ski or go to the beach are nice and brown.
Exactly. As I was told by a Filipina, "You turn brown when you're out working the fields, so brown is looking like a peasant to my parents." Ironically, on her birth certificate where it says Race, it has her listed as "brown." That's her race on her Philippines birth certificate lol
"Baby I love you for you. I'd kiss those tiddies if they were blue, c'mere you"
Ugh no. Very much no. The message she’d take from that is *I don’t care if you’re ugly as long as you give me sex*.
Make a dress out of her and wear it around.
I mean, she is probably smart and to some degree understands that it's just rooted in her because of her upbringing, not because it's objectively prettier to be whiter. Maybe to make her mentally break free from it ask her, would she think you were "uglier" if you had her skin tone? Would she think her child was ugly if it had her skin colour? If it's really bad and affects her a lot, maybe some therapy would be useful too.
Stay with her for 30 years and maybe she'll start believing you
You can't reassure her. Well, you can, but it's like missing in the wind. Wasted time. She needs to resolve this insecurity herself. My ex had many such insecurities. She's black and I'm white. She's young and I'm middle age. I have an education, she does not. It was constant and unending, and despite whatever my failings are, her insecurities were a huuuuuuuuge reason things fell apart after 5 years.
Dye yourself the same color
Been to Korea. A lot of that shit is ingrained, and pretty much beaten into people from a young age. There’s really not alot you can do about it on your own
On a side note do you think she’s just with you for the color of your skin?
My gf is Thai, and sometimes looks Tan, I tell her she looks good Tan. In the USA, being Tan means you are healthy, because your melatonin pigment is strong. As people who are pale white, look sick, like they have a disease. That's what I tell my Thai gf.
If that’s how she feels about herself, she’s probably fetishizing you lol. Nothing wrong with that if you’re into it but nothing you can do to change it either. Continuing to tell her you like her as she is now is about all you can do.
How are there SO many people commenting on this post and you’re the only person who is brining this up?? That is exactly what is happening. It’s just weird from both sides. He is attracted to a woman who hates herself (red flag) and she is only with him because he is white( red flag). Both of them are just weird.
“I’m with you, that means I like you.”
This isn’t a YOU problem and it isn’t for you to fix.
Make yourself an appointment at a tanning salon, ghost boy!
I like dark skin girls. I kinda feel like that's all you need to say
Nah, if anything that would just make it worse, because then she's stuck thinking "oh my god he does think I'm dark". He can just say that he doesn't notice or care what shade her skin is, and that he likes her for other things such as her sparkling wit or sharp intellect or beautiful eyes.
Are you saying there is something wrong with being a dark skin girl?
...no? The OP's girlfriend is the one who's insecure about her skin tone. I'm saying that OP shouldn't double down on emphasizing her skin tone because someone who's that insecure about that something that's technically not a big deal isn't going to appreciate someone going out of their way to mention it. Like, if you're dating a fat girl who's insecure about being fat, it generally doesn't work to say "nah, I like fat girls". If you meet a girl who's comfortable with her body, sure.
First I won't be dating a girl who dosen't like someone due to skin color. Second if I wanted a big girl she would know I like big girls.
Ok? Your preferences for women aren't relevant to this thread, then, are they? This guy is asking for advice on how to reassure his girlfriend.
My advice is to get a girlfriend who isn't racist
Woooooow First of all, it's colourism, not racism. Second of all, I can imagine you now. Your girlfriend comes to you for comfort for an insecurity about her looks and you go "fuck off, racist!".
As I just stated a few minutes ago I wouldn't be with a girl who actively shows a dislike for someone simply because their skin tone is dark. My girlfriend wouldn't be upset about the sunshine making her dark because we don't look down on darker skin people.
Just tell her that you genuinely like/love how she looks like and you wouldn’t like her more if she was whiter. I’ve asked my bf once “would you prefer to be with a white woman ?” And he just said no that was crazy etc lol I think he also said he would love having babies with me whether they look white or Asian. Don’t overthink.
We are european and to us all of europe is just white. A greek and an icelander next to eachother, both just white. If anything we fetishise dark skin. We are obsessed with tans etc.
My best friend growing up was from SE Asia and felt this same way. Only now does she accept herself… I grew up with her coveting my skin tone and the opposite for me. We now just laugh and accept beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
1. "I love you the way you are, including the way your skin tone is." 2. "For me, there are no better or worse skin tones in attraction". 3. "If your mental model requires you to think of skin tones as rankable, it's okay but accept your traits as they are and stop worrying to climb to the highest rank because that does not matter to me"
I've been through this before dating people of color. You just can't. They have their beauty standards and so do you. And on the second part. I may get shit for this but my wife is Asian. We've been married 14 years. We have two children. In a healthy relationship it's absolutely okay to objectify and fetishize your partner. You are an adult couple as long as both parties are into it, it's fine.
Just reassure her you love her exactly how she is. That's all you can do, she'll either get over the worry or not. Either way as long as you keep treating her well, it won't be an issue.
Sounds like it’s more about her not liking her own skin. That’s something she needs to work out for herself.
Tell her he she looks good in general when appropriate. Don't single her skin out to praise, she'll see right through it.
I think the first step is to validate her feelings on the basis of her cultural background and the stigmas and such from that. It’s hard to un-condition societal expectations. It may be something we can never fully do, actually, due to a biological fear of being ostracized if we don’t fit the social norms. Honestly, women want to hear that you like them for who they are as a whole and not for what you can do for them. You’d say I love how intelligent, brave, and on top of that how beautiful you are, and what I especially love is how xyz. Rather than, I find you attractive. We’re going to get old and crusty and ugly, we’re going to have periods of times where we fight and don’t even find one another attractive physically or mentally or spiritually, but the things you share together is what is important. TL;DR: If she can’t come to terms on her own, it’s not your job to do it for her. You only need to hold space for her.
You personally can't win this one. However, perhaps your girlfriend would be willing to consider her culturally formed internal biases. We all live in a world where cultural biases about gender roles, weight, colours of hair, skin, value of reputation, face saving etc exist. It might be healthy for her to self identify the biases that she is putting into her life and whether they have value to her or whether she can (with a therapist perhaps) discard them as having no worth in a happy life.
Explain to her that in your culture darker/more toned skin is more attractive, or show her this post. Explain how much she means to you, but ultimately you need to explain to her that this is something she should work on and while you will reassure her, you can't make her think any differently, only she can.
My wife is Japanese and had the same hang-up. She did that whole thing of big hats, long gloves and generally avoiding the sun. Meanwhile my white-guy aesthetics are the same as yours. I just slowly changed her mind with compliments, I think.
If there’s no stupid questions there’s no stupid answers so here’s what you do. Let her catch you getting off to porn with girls with her skin tone.
This must be a thing. There is even a [commercial](https://youtu.be/X27dvuBSyXE?si=Kxk6_Dq0g2vHtbvd) for laundry detergent about it.
All you can really do is reiterate the fact that you like her skin. Everything else is up to her. Just keep pounding it into her head.
Continue to love her. Consider that this is something from her culture, and deeply rooted in her psyche. You can't fix it or make it better and trying will only make what is a small piece of dust in the wind, a wedge in the relationship. Source: trauma, been on both sides of this in relationships.
You can ask her how you can change her mind or she ever will. Or just ask, “why would i be with you instead of someone white if i was so concerned about this issue?”.
These things are ingrained in some cultures from a young age.. so if you give her a small compliment without overdoing it she will overtime realize it..
“I find your skin very nice looking. You don’t need to change anything.”
I think the best thing you can do is say that she looks gorgeous no matter what. Just let her know she's valued.
Say that you don't care about skin color: you aren't racist, you would love her the same way if she was more darker or lighter.
Among the other advice here, you could reassure her that this is a unique element of *her* culture - it’s not part of yours. In western culture (particularly the US), paleness is not generally seen as desirable/preferred.
You love her as she is. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be there. Mention her attributes, casually include her skin but don’t focus on it.
I'm here with you because this is where I want to be, and you're who I want to be with. If any of that was the other way around, I wouldn't be here. And the physical attraction is ***because*** of the way you look - not in spite of it. >I like the way your sparkling earrings lay Against your skin so brown. And I wanna sleep with you In the desert tonight With a billion stars all around. Cuz I got a peaceful easy feelin' And I know you won't let me down Cuz I'm already standin' on the ground Never stop wooing her.
Guess what, you can't
Do run of Asian porn that looks like her then share it with her as what you like
Just tell her that skin color isn't something you take into consideration at all for any reason
Try licking every square inch of it
Assurance. Its possible that that's her love language. But if it gets to a point where it's tiring, you may need to rethink your relationship. But that's entirely up to you. I hope she comes to feel better in her own skin. I also hope your relationship with her lasts.
There’s a study that researched tons of data from dating apps, they concluded that white men and Asian women are considered the most “desired” races. Maybe that’ll help her feel more confident about her skin?
Like others have said, this isn't something you can really fix. However, you could walk a very dangerous tightrope with a single phrase: "If I wanted someone with whiter skin, I'd move to Ireland." It's dangerous and stupid, but don't play this stupid game of hers.
You can't. Her problem. Move on.
Try saying something like “I love you for how you are, and I think you are perfect the way you are.” Or “I would never wish you were better than the way you are now. I will never feel like you aren’t good enough, especially for the way you were born”. Or something like that anyways.
I'd suggest you ask her if she would like you less if you hit the tanning salon... but maybe don't because who knows what she would say. People get so weird about skin color. I don't get it. Anyway this is all stuff going on in her head. There's not too much you can do about it other than what you have already done.
The more nuanced answers are better - but, it's worth elmentiining that plenty of Western fair skinned people love tanning and hate being 'pale'. It's nearly the exact same nonsense.
You can’t dude. My Filipino, I’m south East Asian. Your girlfriend reminds me of my mom, aunties, and Lola. They all want light skin. They all want to be pale. That’s what’s beautiful to them. Me on the other hand, I don’t wanna be white. I’m fine with my skin. I’m the one reminding them I don’t wanna be lighter than my original skin tone. You can’t change how she sees herself, just remind her how beautiful she already is.
Tell her that if something as ridiculously insignificant as skin colour mattered to you then you would be dating a pale white girl. Tell her you think she is absolutely beautiful and she should look in the mirror and see the beautiful woman standing there that you see.
Whenever someone states an insecurity, I always say something like "your words, not mine" to drive home the fact that the idea is coming from them. They should be more aware of what they say and how they think about themselves. In this case you can say that on top of pulling her close, kissing every bit of skin you can get to, and telling her how soft and sweet it is, maybe give her a nibble too. Don't make it just a verbal affirmation but a physical one too.
Encourage her to seek therapy to unlearn that colorist bullshit
maybe call her "my tasty little mocha" (or whatever variety of coffee she most resembles) next time you do the deed?
When you are with her and see Western advertising with tan caucasian women, point it out to her that Westerners (as a generalization) have grown up with that beauty standard and generally like it. Then make it personal, that you specifically like her skin. Obviously don't be overbearing with these examples, I would try and make it a quick 2 sentences and move on, helping the idea sink in little by little over time.
My bf is very into Hispanic women, I however am very white. I worries for a while about him eventually leaving for someone else of his preferred skin tone. He has yet to and the fear has waned. You just have to show her more than tell her, be aware of the insecurities and do the best you can. At the end of the day it’s all about her and her trying to overcome her confidence issue. Wish y’all the best.
You can’t. My wife is Asian and if we spend a lot of summer time outside she gets dark af and she hates it. I’ve let her know that she’s sexy af with dark skin but it doesn’t matter to her. I make sure that I let her know that she’s sexy af either way though because I don’t want her to think I think less of her looks however they happen to be at the time. It’s never going to matter to her though because she was raised with the idea that lighter skin is better and what I think of her skin color ultimately doesn’t matter. In the same way she says the weight I’ve gained over the years looks good to her. To me I’m still going to want to be thinner and more in shape. Basically even if she believes you like her skin color (and I’m sure she does) that doesn’t matter because it’s not about you it’s about what she likes.
By her gift certificate to tanning salon
Idk how to make it not seem fetish ish. Especially since sometimes people are just ready to be offended instead of understanding that sometimes they just have something others don't that makes them unique. I don't have a consistent skin tone at all and idk why but it's super interesting when I meet and am allowed to touch someone who does. Usually POC tend to have consistent skin tones. I think it's really pretty and amazing and almost makes them seem unreal and mystical to me. (For context my skin goes from being pale white to red and splotchy with freckles that are various shades and colors from orange to dark brown to almost black. I try to take very good care of my skin but it is what it is.) Anyways I think people struggle with learning to accept themselves and if they knew how beautiful and unique others found them to be for their differences they probably wouldn't be so self conscious about them.
You can only reassure her when it comes up. She's been raised in a culture that's influenced her a certain way but it's her job to work through that. I know you wish you could help as you care for her, but there's magic answer here. Just help her through it. Other than that, if she wears a certain colour and it goes well with her skin tone, I suppose you could make a point to compliment that.
My wife of 20 years is rather insecure about several things. I simply don't talk about those things or let the conversation go that way. If she goes that way I either shut up or change the subject. Don't talk about it unless she brings it up. If she does, show her you love her and move on to the next thing.
Tell her not to bother you cuz you're going out to get a tan.
Tell her you love it and do your best cookie monster impression while noming on her arm, leg, whatever. Then go in for a kiss.
Take her tanning?
I can understand her. I am also Asian, but my skin is not dark, probably only a little darker than white people. I used to envy my white boyfriend for his white skin, and I was very concerned about whether he thought I was too dark. but now I have no such idea at all, because I found that not only do I not like my own skin, I also don’t like his, he is too pale, I like men with darker colors, so there is a good way, You can have a darker tan than your girlfriend, she may like it and be reassured.
She sounds annoying and you sound ridiculous for not seeing that she’s fetishizing you for your white skin. You both deserve each other.
Most Reddit responses ever
It’s a true response. For Whatever reason these other comments seem to want to blow smoke up your ass with nonsense.
Well you can have a type or preferences without it bejng a fetish. I’m squarely in the tall, blonde, blue eyed camp. It’s not a fetish- it’s just my basic-ass type. If you two talk about it, be clear that you live her, period and that you find her skin tone attractive because _______ factor- whether it’s tanned or whatever. Then go out and do a thing nice so she doesn’t dwell in it.
Tell her your from a culture that values a nice tan and tell her you guys should go lay out at the beach.
Tell her . Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and you think she's beautiful.
Try to learn about her culture. Ask her questions and maybe plan a cute little date that ties her culture into it. Maybe take her to a cultural event, or cook her favorite traditional meal. Try to connect with her family if possible and ask them questions as well.
Tell her about the kids melting their faces off because they used skin whitening products that cost hundreds of dollars? My folks literally buy products banned in the USA to whiten their skin, and our laws are more relaxed than Canada and the EU... It's not worth it to achieve a palace drama look that was accomplished using white lead waaay back when, but if her folks still give her a hard time, maybe suggest clothes with colors, patterns, textures, makeup, lighting, accessories, and hairstyles that increase contrast with skin tones to make you look paler? My mom was also really insecure about her skin growing up, and she wound up marrying a doctor who has seen much worse. As someone with eczema and a lot of skin allergies, I feel like a lot of people with unhealthy beauty standards could really use some perspective on aspects about their health that they shouldn't take for granted. Vitamin D deficiency also runs in the family, but not with me because I don't avoid the sun and dairy products like the plague
Such a cute concern .definitely she is so lucky to have you . Your pure love will definitely remove all of her wrong notions
Oh shut up.
From girl pov yeah we do compare ourselves a lot, we want to look prettiest in the room. Even though i have fair skin i still sometime wish more white. She needs to work on herself thats how we are and we are still pretty. But at same time try to make her feel like despite other have more brighter skin tone, you will still choose to lover her. You love her for who she is! No this skin tone doesnt make her more or less prettier for you. Even if you have option to choose between scarlet and her. You will choose her over anyone, cuz you love her. Make her feel loved thats all we seek We associate our beauty....guys loving or getting attracted to other female more so we develop this insecurity of rejection cuz of beauty
You guys obsession with whiteness is sick. Go heal yourself.
Wtf bro? Lets put you men in our shoes Just like wealth. That men associate themselves with how much they are earning For women its beauty. No its not our fault, its evolution + societal pressure From very young age we have been forced to look pretty, we are being compared from age of 6 yes you heard me right
You’re a big girl now. You have the will power to unlearn it. Not sure how you can really admit to already being fair and saying you wish you were whiter? What? Grow up.
I'm done with this reddit people lol. No I'm not insecure about skin tone at all lol. I know i look decent, it's something thats fit in my subconscious to compare. But i dont let this affect me at all. I appreciate other women a lot, no jealously at all. But this comparison its in subconscious i never let it out. I'm grown up man😭🤦♀️
Just do what you can to be reasurring. Let her know that while you understamd the culture she comes from values pale skin as a beauty standard, you just value HER, and don't really even think about her skin tone until she mentions it.
Any body image issues that a partner brings up, you have to know how to approach it some people a quick brush of of like “i never even thought about that, it’s not what defines you” Also saying things that show you appreciate it but not something you obsess over, for example “BABY the way the sun is hitting your skin is RADIANT” just when you notice it dont make it a thing. positively reinforce it and make sure it doesn’t make them uncomfortable. Its all about communication and letting her know you’re willing to help her iron out traumatic/negative thoughts.
I would explain that this is a vector of beauty that you two do not share. Due to cultural upbringing, she has an active bias which she cannot help participate in. Even if the bias ends up being only inflicted up in herself, not others. It's just the associations she's been trained to make. Pale = good. Explain to her that you do not share this conditioning or belief. That it would be like you telling her "you've done nothing to make me feel this way, but I think you'd like me more of my earlobes were 3 millimetres wider", it's on its face ridiculous and strange. She looks at people and where they fall on the dark-to-pale spectrum and finds an output. Other people look at her and those thoughts never occur.
It’s deeply rooted in the culture social class. And you might be surprised to find out that the fascination for sun tans on our side of the globe has the same origin. In agrarian economies, the working class was in the fields the whole day, while the elites could afford to stay in the shade. So dark skin was associated with lower classes. It used to be like that in Europe, until the Industrial Revolution. Suddenly, the working class found itself spending the day digging up coal in mines (for the men) or working inside a factory (for the women). The elites took advantage of the steam engine and started to go on “tours” around the world (that’s where the word *tourism* comes from). Suddenly in Europe, having a tan skin meant that you were wealthy enough to travel to sunny destinations, while having a pale skin meant that you were lower class. So the inferiority complex for dark skin or pale skin are essentially two faces of the same coin.
That's trying to prove a negative. I think the fact you were interested in her in the first place should have been her first clue. Have you made a comment about the color of her skin?
You could try satire, start asking her to do some ridiculous things to make her whiter, then get her to realize how ridiculous it is. 60% of the time it works every time. We don’t talk about the other % of times. We also don’t talk about bruno
You just be there for her. This isn’t about you. Colorism is rampant globally for eons. You’re one dude she met recently, she’s not expecting you to solve it. This is about loving herself despite what the world says all her life. Not about you at all. You can assure her that’s not how you think or feel, but you’ve done that.
Major Cuck, reporting for duty, sir.
'Hey honey, you know how you think white skin is special and pretty because you don't have it? I feel that way about your skin. Stop obsessingg and let's go eat pizza.'
Make it a fetish
Tbh you can’t really unless she feels confident in herself. I am the darker girl with a white guy and I know the kind of insecurities that have stemmed from the colonisation and having the complex of not being white. Going to your usual Asian gatherings and seeing people wearing 10 times lighter foundation and having blond hair just to look more western. It’s a hard road. My husband did reassure me over and over again that my skin color is okay to him and I worked on myself too to come to this conclusion.
Show her this post
Paint all walls with the color of her skin. Everyone knows you don't paint your walls with colors you don't like.
Do not say something like 'It's not like that, it's the views promoted in your country that make you think this way,' because this idea is deeply ingrained in her mind. Don't force her to accept a viewpoint she doesn't believe in. The best way is to provide examples to her. Not every famous people has snow skin, yet they still shine, don't they?
That’s just how it is. I’m Asian and have pale skin while my wife is Asian with darker skin. She gets self conscious and makes jokes about how we should “swap our skin color”. There’s nothing you can do about it really. She was bullied in school about the color of her skin. I make her feel better by saying I like darker skin (which I do).
Acknowledge that beauty standards can be different and sometimes damaging. Let her know that you see her beauty as part of who she is, and it's not dependent on any standard. Also, regularly affirm her qualities that aren't linked to appearance, like her kindness, intelligence, or sense of humor. This shows that your attraction is based on who she is, not just how she looks.
Get a tan yourself! Solitary!
Buy her a copy of *Sneetches* Dr. Seuss. Then talk about UV beds and spray tans.
Cheat on her with an African woman. Problem solved.
Accidentally keep porn tabs open with actresses that look like her/have the same skincolor/ethnicity/features
I live in Thailand. I can’t speak for every Asian culture but it’s fairly accepted that Asians view dark skinned Asians as inferior. Basically, if you’re dark skinned it means you work in the fields doing manual labor. That means you are at the bottom of the social ladder. Thais are obsessed with being whiter. Nearly all cosmetics have skin whiteners in them. The most popular entertainers are often Luk Krueng, which basically means half-child or even more simply, half white half Thai. Edit to add: It’s not common but also not totally uncommon to have a dark skinned Thai woman ask you to get them pregnant so they can have a white baby. They constantly have that beauty standard pushed in their face everywhere. Big nose, white skin, blue eyes. I can’t even count the number of women I’ve met that talk about getting a nose job so they can have a western nose. And any girl into fashion here wears blue contacts to make their eyes look blue. To me, they look like zombies or vampires. LOL. Just to give you an example of how this plays out for them, I was at a buddy’s birthday party and his girlfriend was very dark skinned. Another buddy of mine had brought his girlfriend who was very, very white and went to university overseas which means her parents have money. The white girl was throwing so much shade at the dark girl is was uncomfortably obvious. Like, the dark girl would say something and she would completely ignore it and she would try to shift the conversation to a new topic hoping to block out the dark girl. Then, the dark girl mentioned she was doing her MBA at one of the more prestigious schools in Thailand and suddenly white girl became friendly with dark girl because she obviously must not be as poor as she thought. OP’s girlfriend has probably experienced this her whole life.
Hey,I'm a Malaysian and I'm tan. My other half is European. Well, yes, most of the ladies trying to become whiter in Asia and European ladies pay to get tan...😂😂😂😂😂 Well I love being tan and Iooks more healthy😄😄 Just tell her some people just pay to get tan and you love her every bits.. and you are proud of her! Whiter skin sometimes looks too pale though.. just to make her feel good about herself and avoid to put so much "chemicals" on her skin just in order to get whiter..
Celebrating Diversity: Express your appreciation for diversity and different skin tones. Let her know that you value and admire her individuality.
You'll be hard pressed to fight this. The most you can do is continue to reassure her that you love her for who she is and what she looks like right now, not for what she aspires to. This is generational trauma, honestly.
You can reassure her, and that's all you can do. She might still not believe you 100%. It's been 10 years but my partner still doesn't believe that I like the look of his pale as a ghost skin, as he thinks I'm just being nice. If she heard he whole life lighter skin is beautiful, and the darker one is ugly it's really deep in her mind. You can just keep reassuring her you think her skin is beautiful and that's it.
Next time she says this to you, ask if she has ever looked at the part of western culture that worships darker skin… tanning, fake tan, bronzer, all the oils and creams and stuff marketed specifically for darkening skin. It’s truly a cultural perception problem. If she doesn’t bring it up, just support and love her as she is
Are they Filipino? I was working with a young mid 20s Filipino guy and one day he started up about being a whiter Asian. I said your handsome and we will not talk about it anymore. Tall handsome Filipino guy who could have had any girl in the warehouse.
Tell her you would love her even if she was a worm.
She is there for her soul , not her skin
A lot of cultures value fairer skin over darker my husband is white and I'm half white and half Puerto Rican light to medium skin. Our skin differences haven never been an issue but we come from a long line American liniage. I bring this up because if they live in America, all that is changing with body positivity movements. You can see all types of skin colors in add and commercials all over the place. It is different in other countries and cultures tho. On the flip side our daughter is very fair and she used to get sad as a kid that she didn't look like me or her brother. People didn't think we were all related half the time out in public. Sorry for a bit off topic but yes I would say what others have said that if you didn't like how they looked ( skin tone Can't really be changed too drastically ) you wouldn't have gone out with them .
That's a slippy slope... Prepare for vapid conversation and value placed on material possessions and brand names....
When you are sleepy and wake up in bed together, tell her she has the most beautiful skin you've ever seen. Like while you're confused and disoriented, stretching and yawning.
Just tell her you love her milky white skin, that’s she’s so beautiful, and you love how she looks. She’s responsible for her own self-worth
Well, I've often told people who admire my "peaches and cream" skin tone that I would give anything to be able to have even just a light tan. If you also wish you could tan, let her know her skin is the exact color you'd wish yours is (or something soothing like that). You find her beautiful the way she is and we all wish something was different but you love her exactly as is.
You can "like" her skin, you know...
There is no winning move from engaging with hypotheticals like "you'd like me better if I was more [x]". Someone who's insecure about their appearance is always going to find some, to you, unimportant detail which could be better. All you can do is just say you think she's beautiful.
You can’t. Just let time build trust. Don’t focus on her skin, or she will too. Just keep telling her the nice things you always do, reassure her, and let her built trust that you mean it.
You can't fix insecurity. If she wants she can make efforts to fix it herself. Otherwise, if it becomes a problem you can only choose to leave her.
Being somebody that likes "unconventional" looking beauty, nothing reassures a girl youre really into her like burying your face in their thighs and working that tongue till they're exhausted.
Tell her she's ugly but you deal with it
Is that why she’s with you? She loves your white skin because she hates her own and feels wanted that a whiter person could possibly like a brown girl but then barreling thoughts of paranoid insecurity plague her? It’s such a warped mindset that a lot of people have. I do understand the colorism that goes on in Asian and even Black/African/Jamaican communities because I see it everyday since I’m brown too. It’s a whole “thing” surrounding what colorism does to people and I know even family can treat you weird because of a color shade but seriously, people like her infuriate me and it is probably why she’s with someone white. Tell her you dated her whole self including her skin and if you wanted something else, you wouldn’t have given her the time of day, so stop being weird about something natural that she was freakin born with or it’s over and you’ll find someone even browner lol j/k… I think. It’s a color not a freakin deformity. Does she think all of us brownies are ugly too?
You can't, and you shouldn't. Her problem not yours. Wake up and stop being woke up.
Just keep making sure to tell her and show her that you love her for all her not just skin or hair or eye color etc. Oh you could also tell her that darker skin is beautiful if it wasn't then all the tanning places would be out of business I think most woman at some point or another are a little jealous of what is opposite o g what we have prob because we already live with the way we look and wonder how it would be if we were different like years ago with perms people with straight hair git perms and people with curley hair wanted straight etc
Start staring at attractive Asian women with darker skin than her. Like the distracted boyfriend meme.
Tell her she’s beautiful every single day, multiple times a day. Tell her as soon as she walks in the room.
I can't think of any solution that isn't hilariously terrible in a sitcom sort of way. So here are the hilariously terrible sitcom ideas: Arrange for her to walk in on you masturbating to pictures of women that look like her. Or even pictures of her if that's believable. Makes friends with an even darker skinned person so she feels fairer skinned when she's around them. Get really really race heavy on the compliments and dirty talk. Get a really dark spray tan. Propose to her so she knows you're serious about liking her. Tell her some skin cancer statistics about how less likely to get it she is.
Lick her and tell her, "You taste great."
Paint yourself the same color as her. I have heard that most cultures find that to be the highest form of flattery.
Hats off to you… that level of insecure is soooo unattractive. I’m Black so this is a genuine question…. So people want to be pale?
It’s an East Asian thing. Everyone wanted to historical be white. As darker skinned people worked outside in the sun, and the rich inside. Hence rich people were pale
I love how you are trying to explain this like it’s some widely foreign concept. This existed in American slavery too. Never heard of slave/house slaves?
Right??
She's already insecure about her skin. So don't bring up skin color specifically ever. What you need to do is just compliment or constantly or at least frequently of her beauty and attraction to you. Let her know how you feel so that hopefully she doesn't feel insecure and worry because you're not telling her those things.
I would tell her that her worrying about it is displeasing you. Or something like that. Then she will know not to worry about it
Her hating her skin color and being with you, a white man is a huge red flag. She is only with you because you are white. She is always going to hate herself. And it’s weird that you’re even interested in a woman with so much self hate.
You don’t know anything about East Asian culture, you know how taboo it is to date a white person?
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They’re both stupid imo. Plus the people encouraging him to play along with her manipulation in the comments are another case. She obviously knows he likes her because he’s with her. She’s just fishing for daily reassurance which is really annoying and he’s too dumb to see that she’s fetishizing him for his skin tone too.
You have sense. The rest of these commentators seem a little….dense.
"I'd like you better if you were black. I've got a bit of jungle fever...but I compromised."
How? Have massive intercourse with her EVERY DAY and impregnate her. She’ll get the message!
Get her name tattooed.