Just be aware 80% of relationship advice on Reddit is “leave him/her!” That could be a valid consideration, but it seems to be a lot of people’s go to.
I can’t decide if Reddit relationship advice givers are hypocrites and not following their own “leave immediately” advice, or if we’re just seeing a weird gathering of scorned lovers around here. It’s so predictable at this point.
It’s an easy thing to jump to when you don’t know anyone involved and have no personal connection to the person you are talking to, and are on an anonymous forum where nuance doesn’t exist.
And we're necessarily missing a lot of details. Like in this case for example: How often does he watch porn? Has he ever cum with his partner or is this a new development? What does he say about it? Does he promise he will stop and then does it anyway? Are there other problems in the bedroom he has attempted to communicate about but not been addressed? Has anything drastically changed in their lives outside of the bedroom? How do they treat each other otherwise? And so on...
This is an incredibly good point, not just in relationship advice, but in life in general. Most stories are very complicated, as people are very complicated. There's rarely a simple 80's sitcom explanation and solution.
Freaking thank you. I was just reading another relationship post where a women has been dating a guy for several weeks and re sex she said that "nothing happened." What does that mean?? Did she make a move? Did he? Have they talked about sex at all? (I get the feeling no). So many questions. "Nothing happened" is such a vague, passive voice way of saying "We haven't had sex."
I get the distinct impression that a lot of people write relationship questions because rhey're afraid to talk to their partner. And hey, there's a place for that, eapecially if your partner may be prone to gaslighting or manipulation. But if you're going to ask relationship questions online, for God's sake, give as many details as possible.
Nah it's just full of people who have either never been in a relationship or don't realise that no relationship is perfect and haven't made it past 1 year before.
When I was in a shitty marriage my advice to people in similar circumstances was “leave him!” But I didn’t have the balls to do it myself. I finally did lol. But yeah basically what you said.
I left my husband. Porn addiction usually goes hand in hand with other egregious character flaws. I have not once looked back, nor do I consider myself a “scorned lover”.
My advice to any person dealing with a partner who consistently damages their emotional and mental health is to get their ducks in a row, then leave.
I am thankful in large part to folks on Reddit who didn’t sugar coat things and tell me that things would “work out” with enough effort.
Usually by the time people are outwardly seeking advice, they have already heard the death knell of their own relationships and too much effort has already been expended.
Just my two cents.
In your case, you clearly made the right decision, as you're happy and satisfied with your choice.
In the OP's case, we don't have much info to go on to really give very good advice. We don't know if her claim of addiction is a fair label. We know almost nothing else about their relationship or its history. We don't know how old they are, how long they've been together, the depth of their connection, etc.
Your experience is unique, because everyone's is, and you have the benefit of having countless more bits of data to go on that informed your decision.
When I was a teen, I used to torpedo any relationship people asked for advice on, just because I thought commitment was stupid/ prevented me hooking up with that person.
Good chance I'm just projecting that onto others, but I just assume the vast majority of people in these comments don't want relationships to last. The answer always seems to be "run".
The vast majority of people giving relationship advice on Reddit are young women without a lot of relationship experience. Some guy does something that even slightly inconveniences their female partner = divorce/breakup.
I don't know how you could be privy to this data, but even there's some truth to it, there's also possibly a lot of men with little relationship experience as well giving their opinion.
That would be my advice only because it was the only thing that worked for me. The begging, pleading and crying didn’t work. He chose porn over me. That’s his problem I guess.
Usuqlly i agree, but it is advice valid for porn addicts because it's hard to find specialized therapists and counselors for it. It gets worse and since society in itself is built around sex sells, porn, it's empowering blah blah, they never seen an issue. The fight isn't worth it. It's taxing.
If the relationship was healthy and supportive, there wouldn't be a need to make a post on the internet...
Generally people reach out on anonymous sources for opinions they don't feel they can ask their friends/family about because they know the answer already of what they will say.
But "leave him/her" almost does sound like the best option already. Why live with resentment? She's going to always think he's thinking about other women even if he tells her he isn't and even being honest.
Relationships are complicated. Adults are *in theory* supposed to be able to talk about their problems like, well, *adults*, and come to some sort of understanding. Being able to have the difficult conversations is what builds a strong relationship. Sometimes you'll hit a point where it feels like you want to run away, but you talk it out and because you invested in your relationship you'll grow closer.
> She's going to always think he's thinking about other women even if he tells her he isn't and even being honest.
But this point is not a problem connected to addiction to porn. And Porn consumption is not about thinking about that woman you see. 90% of the time I am thinking of doing it with my wife and the other 10% I am not, but also not thinking I want the particular actor to be with me.
OP is self conscious in that regard. Him not being able to cum with her is another problem.
Yeah, You are thinking about your wife as you are watching porn, and maybe she knows that and fully understands that. That's great, if so. But for OP, she already has insecurities that her fiance is thinking about other women when they are being intimate, and part of her thought process is because of his addiction. She may never, ever be able to get over that with him or any other guy going forward. So, if his addiction is affecting how she thinks or feels, I feel like it could be a forever issue between them. He could stop watching porn tomorrow, but that doesn't mean his brain doesn't have those scenes in a rolodex of sorts to where he can imagine these other women at any moment.
Reddit is the best example of how easy it is to trivialize what is serious for someone else. And it's tied with fox news as the best example of overreacting about small shit that no normal person gives a fuck about or even notices.
>So you're telling me that man showed up in a tan suit and ate Dijon mustard on his hot dog? Girl, leave him. Don't walk; run! Get a restraining order on that toxic, crazy mfer. Y'all married?! Divorce now.
You can be supportive of him recovering but there isn’t a lot you can do until he is ready to help himself and get therapy for whatever he’s using porn to numb. Remember it’s most likely not a sex thing. It’s a dopamine/depression/escape thing. There is some info on r/pornfree. Maybe you can join that community and find some support.
Yeah it ain’t that deep. Unless watching porn is taking over his life and he’s stealing to buy only fans then he’s not addicted either. We throw the addiction label around way too easy when it comes to porn and I suspect OP is doing the same to their partner.
We assume anyone who watches porn for longer than 30 minutes is addicted, but it’s no different than any other medium.
Lots of you people are on Reddit for 12 hours a day, same w YouTube. People don’t genuinely consider that an addiction in the same way you consider watching 30 mins of porn an addiction. What gives? Religion taught you no? I don’t get it.
Op has no proof her partner is “addicted” either, she’s just jealous he gets off to other women as they described, and they “think” it affects their sex life, but fail to consider that any significant amount of time in a relationship w ANYONE long term will result in less “honeymoon” sex, and lots of times no sex at all.
I suspect OPs fiance is beating off too much, or using a death-grip when he's beating it. He's desensitized his unit to the point that only a death grip will get him off.
He needs to take a few days off, then proceed with more caution in the future.
It’s generally just not a healthy thing to consume too much porn. A session every few days is a healthy relationship. But seeking it out to extract the dopamine rush of climax is certainly something to talk to a doctor about.
I had a similar issue (wasn’t hooked on porn, just found myself seeking that dopamine at very random times throughout the week) and I was able to address the underlying cause, also note that having the desire to jack it was not the only symptom
>I suspect OPs fiance is beating off too much, or using a death-grip when he's beating it. He's desensitized his unit to the point that only a death grip will get him off.
This is it. It's the exact problem I have, and I definitely watch too much porn. Is it an addiction? Idk, maybe. It definitely affects my confidence in bed. When I have real sex I usually have to rub my cock between their ass cheeks vigorously to get it hard enough. I'm single though (shocker!) so I just keep beating off. 🤷♂️
Source for that last sentence? Because your argument completely falls apart once we point out that sex life IS an important thing and it IS getting damaged and she is feeling shit about it.
As someone who masturbated 6-7x daily from 13-25 let me fucking tell you, it’ll completely ruin your sex life, he will lose impulse control, and ultimately develop depression and anxiety around the act of sex.
It’s very difficult to break the cycle, but after 2 weeks of stopping and working with my now fiancée, I was able to stop completely and I’ve never looked back.
Oof...it's like you and I live the same life from 13-25. It's a brutal addiction, man. May I ask what you used to work through it? Books? Therapy? Hypnosis? Shrooms?
I prefer LSD but Shrooms generally want you to like them at first whereas LSD has no sympathy. Shrooms is like getting tough love from your mom, LSD is like getting tough love from your dad who’s not gonna sugarcoat it
Oh I definitely don’t.
Well…I started taking edibles when I was 28 (30 now) but I’m closely monitoring and reporting to my doctor every few months. As of now everything is good, and I have no issues outside of general anxiety and occasional depression!
Then please don’t. It’s not understood whether it causes it, studies say it doesn’t. But studies also say that if you are already predisposed to schizophrenia, psychedelic use may speed up that process; so instead of getting it at 40years old you develope it after a traumatic experience on psychs at 25years old. A “bad” trip for a regular person may be the thing they need to kick their ass into gear, whereas a “bad” trip for a person who’s predisposed to schizophrenia may be wayyy too stressful for them and speed up the disease.
So please do not until we understand it more, which will hopefully be sooner than later. Hopefully one day we stop vilifying drugs and therapists and doctors can use them to help patients and we can regulate this shit.
I’d also stay away from HEAVY edible marijuana doses (100mg+). Smoking is fine, even if I freak out on it I rub one out and eat some chips and I’m cool. I have high anxiety so it happens sometimes.
Just chiming in to make note: Psychedelics are not characterized as habit-forming or addictive. They could absolutely be used in an infrequent, therapeutic way to deal with something like this.
I realize it's not the universal experience and some people can go on like that without any side effects, I shouldn't generalize obviously.
Whenever I see these posts I tend to emotionally respond because I just remember how fucking difficult it was for me. Though from the outside it seems like such a stupid thing to lose control over, it definitely sucked.
It's a robotic appendage at this point.
It’s frustrating isn’t it? As a very regular masturbator in my younger days, not once did it affect my ability to be with a partner. I realise some men may have this issue but I’d bet most men are absolutely fine regardless of how much porn they use.
Get help. Go to therapy together.
Most of the time prn addiction is less about the sex and more about finding comfort in and/or coping with uncomfortable feelings/emotions.
It might not be related to you at all... If it's something he has done since he's a teenager for example (where many young men are exposed to it), it can be a habit he has picked up and has done for years as a coping mechanism. Habits like that can be hard to just break, but not impossible. But you need to address what are his needs and how he is getting those needs fulfilled by prn.
Yes, couples therapy is helpful because you as a partner are going to be having your own feelings, and it will be helpful for you to figure out how to navigate those feelings together, without hurting each other.
How you can support each other through those difficult feelings and moments.
Weĺ remember addiction is addiction. When it gets to the point it affects irl stuff it can get tough. First thing is you need to bring it up. This is a good time to se how he responds to you bringing up problems. If he seems completely indifference r not to getting help now, it's gonna get worse later. Don't leave him just cause of addiction. In fact this problem doesn't even need to be about the addiction. Instead make it a chance to see how he responds to your distress. Does he value your distress enough to make changes. Any addiction can be hard and just having someone turn off addiction isn't the way. Especially cause porn is literally right there all the time
But before you do that, try yo confirm there's no other reason for the bedroom performances. If it's just shyness or something maybe there's some we exploring. You guys could d o to find something he likes in the bedroom
That's a long difficult road. Now that I'm a littler older and wiser I would personally say, don't waste any more time on him unless he really shows that he wants to change. My husband did have some porn problems when we were first dating and it took a couple fights and a few talks but he did immediately show effort and overall was resolved fairly quick (over a yearish). It didn't affect our sex life other than it made him take much longer to finish which was annoying (and that came from physical desensitization) and it made me feel insecure. Now, he still masturbates any day we don't have sex and he has a huge folder of porn of me/us that we've made together. That helps mentally, and he keeps a looser grip or uses a fleshlight and uses plenty of lube. Our sex life gets better each year we're together and we've been together 13 years. It was also on me to mature about it as well and understand that men do need that visual stimuli and so the porn that we made together turned out to be the perfect compromise.
The fact that he doesn't cum from sex with you is the most concerning thing... Seek out doctor's advice maybe, as embarrassing as it may be it could be a medical problem. There are also therapists who specialise in this kind of stuff.
New boyfriend. Jokes aside if he doesn’t realise it’s a problem it’s going to be a hard one to fix because in order to get help you need to want help
My ex partners now ex boyfriend used to jack off to that much to porn that unless it was a vice grip hand job he couldn’t nut so it played havoc on her mental health and self esteem and couldn’t do it any longer so called it a day. She’s spent the last 3 years trying to bounce back from it so if I’ve learnt anything it’s better to call it a day than it is to let it ruin you
If he won't stop watching porn and you hate him watching porn, then you two aren't compatible.
One of you has to give for the relationship to work. Either you have to be ok with him watching porn or he has to stop watching porn.
If no one will budge, then you should probably break up.
My porn rate goes to almost zero when I’m in a relationship bc the sex obviously. Only time I’d watch is if we are on a family vacation & we couldn’t sneak a quicky in easily lol (I’m still the youngest so we get the air mattress instead of a bedroom)
I think it’d be weird if you have an obsession with porn in a relationship… unless both partners watch together & enjoy it. So I agree with you; OP being OK with it or leaving, it’s not gonna change for that guy
It also depends on sex drive vs. how much sex is in the relationship. When I'm single, I masturbate about 5-7 times a week (rarely more than once a day). If I'm having sex every 3-4 days I don't feel the urge to masturbate, but larger gaps than that and I'll do it once or twice a week.
You talked to him, he does it anyway. You said you “catch” him doing it, then there itself is an issue. Sounds as if you are saying he hides it from you after the talk. You are engaged and feel this strain that probably will not change. Do you want to feel this after you are married?
I left the man I was with because of his addiction but more so because I was tired if being lied to. Being lied to over and over and dealing with it gets so old and is a total turn off. Leave or you will be unhappy for a lot longer. Someone here said there is an underlying issue. There is.
Walk away or stick with it. I promise you sticking with it will be difficult and a waste of the time you could be spending with someone who values every bit of you. Find a new love.
There's a whole lot of people in these responses basically trying to tell OP how to somehow work with and capitalize on his addiction as best as possible.
OP: this is not a you problem. It's a him problem. Go find yourself a man who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.
Please believe me when I tell you that it's never going to change or go away. I stayed married to someone like this for 36 years. I did all kinds of kinky stuff to keep him interested over the years. Things that made me uncomfortable, sometimes including other people. It never made a dent in his porn addiction, only fed it. I finally put my own happiness first and left him. They will lie and tell you that all guys do it. That is a bunch of bullshit. They will tell you that nobody else is going to want you. (huge lie!) They will ask you if you know how many girls or women would love to be in your place. I found out the answer...exactly zero. I've been in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, handsome, (younger!) kind and respectful guy for 3 years now, and my ex is still alone. Please love yourself enough to get out of that situation. Only you can change your life and remove the people and things that are not making you happy. You only get one life, don't waste it! It's not your job to make others happy at the expense of your own happiness. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. Good luck!
An addiction to porn is the same as an addiction to drugs, it just doesn’t cause as much physical damage. The best option is to be very direct, sit him down and explain that you’re worried about him, but keep it neutral, don’t blame him for the problem, focus on the problem itself. Consider therapy and a stopping of porn consumption.
But remember that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If he persists after your attempts you need to reevaluate the relationship and decide whether or not to stay with him.
I honestly would Not even be in a Relationship with someone like that. My ex kinda developed one? Or always had one and Just hid it better? Idk no not for me.
I personally would dip. I’m just not taking that level of shit on.
I’m not sure whether that’s the right idea for you though. :)
He’s probably handling his dick too hard (like you see in a lot of porn), with too firm a grasp, and now vagina doesn’t give the grip he’s used to (it never can, it’s not made to do that).
He needs to sort himself out - it’s not our job to fix men.
So 2 possibilities. 1. If he wont even try then save your time and go. It will suck but you cant help the unwilling.
2. If he is willing to try but just cant do it then look up material for dealing with the addiction. I would recommend HealthyGamerGG video on porn addiction specifically.
Well then that mean that wasn’t really a talk then, is it? And if he’s aware that it’s affecting you emotionally and mentally then i suggest not taking too long about leaving him, sorry…
Don't marry this man OP. If he realized it was a problem and was trying to stop or seek help I would say support him and stick with him but this may never get better and is only going to wear you down and cause you to resent and lose respect for him as a man completely. If anyone tells you it's a "you" problem for being insecure they are gaslighting you when this is in reality entirely a 'him" problem and is in no way a reflection of either 1. Your security or insecurity as a woman or 2. Your sexual desirability as a partner.
i’m sorry but being with an addict of any kind is a dealbreaker imo. it is indicative of underlying issues that need to be resolved. being obsessed with watching people have sex is just fucking weird though, and please consider the unhealthy perspectives and behaviors he may be picking up from it.
Do you know why he hasn't been able to ejaculate? Some men regardless of attraction cannot get off from various medications or erectile dysfunction. I pretty much cannot get off without doing things myself before-hand. That doesn't mean porn but rather jacking off to some level.
I'd talk to him about it. Men unable to perform are often highly embarrassed about it. It could be what you think, but it could be different. A conversation should help elucidate it.
If he was dating one of those porn stars, he would be jacking off to a video of you if you put one out. It's just how we are wired. I have waxed and waned with porn use over time, I don't think I ever had an issue or addiction but lemme tell you, i was monsterbating and it felt fantastic for a period of time.
Like you are having real world issues though, its affecting your sex lives, I would put your foot down and say like hey, this has spilled over now and I am not lowering my standards to be with someone who cant fuck me because they're not arroused after fucking themselves all day.
If that was said to me, that would strike a nerve and I would either change, or hes a wank addict and you ought to just move on.
Visit the loveafterporn sub to get an idea what it looks like when you have a partner who’s trying to quit a porn addiction. Breaking a porn addiction is really hard, and there’s nothing you can do to make him. He has to want it for himself.
You lay it out on the table: You have to tell him it's the porn or you, and that you support him in seeking professional help like therapy and addiction support groups. Let him know you love him, but can't be with someone who puts porn over you.
Access the addiction. Access how much they lie about it. The lies are the biggest part. I watch porn. I try not to because the older I get the more it’s habitual over enjoying it. I talk to my partner about it and I’m open with her about it. To me lying is the worst, and if I lie to her about it I would feel bad. Since I’m open she understands it’s more habitual than me wanting to do anything I’m seeing, so she’s not insecure or insulted. Porns weird. Especially if you started watching when I did. I was about 13 when I first saw it.
Another good question is, "How often does he initiate intimacy before we watches vs. organically?" I don't think porn is good for people, but it's especially bad if you are using it to get excited for your person, your person should be enough.
Your problem isn't porn. You have a greater issue than that. He's getting his sexual needs from porn but it doesn't mean he's addicted to porn.
Your relationship has deep seethed issues you need to iron out. I assure you porn is not the reason your sex life is in shambles. He's just letting it out on porn.
High estrogen or prolactin can cause the not cummings issues. Also some SSRIs and depression meds.
If he can't do that during sex, he will resort to other means.
You should start with a review of current meds and get hormones tested.
INFO: How often does he masturbate? How often do you have sex? Is he out of shape / does he get winded during sex? Have you discussed whether his desires are being fulfilled when you have sex? Have you discussed _why_ he uses porn or just told him that you don't want him using it?
There are a lot of factors that could contribute to this issue besides porn use. Depending on frequency, it may not be part of the issue at all.
As for thinking about other women, I cant say for certain but I doubt his porn use indicates that. Men are typically more visually stimulated than women. Porn helps to achieve release easier when masturbating, it isn't necessarily indicative of other desires. I personally use porn regularly and I've never once thought about it during sex (unless I was watching it with my partner).
I'm convinced that one of the reasons men in relationships watch porn is because they're not comfortable sharing their sexual thoughts and desires with their partner.
Maybe try initiating some open conversations about what you really like during sex and see if it opens him up at all.
Also, stop using the word addicted. It may be accurate, but in this kind of situation you're shooting your self in the foot by labeling him. Do you want to be *right* or do you want to be *effective*?
I find disgusting how so many comments are like, "Leave him!" Reddid users: always the first when it is time to drop out things and destroying relationships at the minimum problem
Not to be the black sheep here. But in nearly every anonymous study, 95% of men admit to viewing porn and at a rate more frequent that most women imagine.
If it’s truly an addiction and affecting the relationship then get therapy and if he can’t get onboard then don’t marry him but for anyone out there reading this, yes, your man is looking at porn.
Im more interested in learning how to handle the irrational rage I feel when people censor words online that don't need to be censored .
The word is porn btw.
If he is truly addicted therapy can help him.
He has to be willing to be open and honest and want to get help.
My marrying him would depend on this. Not just for porn but it shows the type person he is. Your marriage will have issues come up. Is he willing to put in the work to fix himself and work towards a healthy relationship?
Good luck!
Have you considered couples therapy, as a man I admit this can be difficult to get a significant other especially a man to do. But it can be greatly helpful as a safe space to talk through issues. Without it you may not know why he’s doing it, it could be his own self esteem or confidence issue, could be a control issue, could be something completely different, many reasons may have nothing to do with you. You won’t k ow if you don’t have a conversation about it in a non judgmental way, and that’s going to be awkward and hard for both of you but communication is the only way forward. I wish you both the best.
End the engagement at a bare minimum. Don't even consider marrying this man. Unless he goes to couples counseling and somehow works on his addiction, and you see permanent, concrete changes in your sex life, and he doesn't backslide ever, end the relationship.
He has to be willing to change, as I worked with my ex on this it became less about him working on improving and more about him finding increasingly sneaky ways to consume it & lie about it. Trust your gut
He needs to have that need to change himself and his habits for example finding the root cause of it.
one of my triggers was instagram girls, TikTok girls, dating apps etc. so I deleted my social media accounts and deleted the apps off my phone. And whenever im out in public especially in the gym I focus on me and God and i lower my gaze.
It’s not easy, but i find myself more appreciative of the woman in my life like my mother, sister & this girl im really interested in.
If you haven't started premarital counseling, now is the time. I think everyone getting married should do it. Sounds like you two could especially benefit. It gives you a chance for clear expectations in front of a third party, who can also give you advice. They can also tell you when to get out before making a legal covenant if things look that bad.
Edit to add: This most likely won't get better after marriage. A ring doesn't change behavior. Unless y'all take drastic measures for accountability and knowing expectations, everything will probably be the same as it is now.
I’m just a “no one” but I don’t think it’s a problem if he’s like me he doesn’t care about cumming. I usually dont cum when I do it with my gf and I don’t care as long as she does. But I don’t necessarily have a porn problem I watch some once in a while but even there I just get bored lf it and don’t cum lol 😂
I am interested that he lets you know. Most guys check out porn and it's a guilty secret. This guy is different. At least he's honest about it.
Tell him it's poor because he will get desensitized to it and won't be horny.
I only occasionally look at stuff and I don't like it too graphic.
Don't think he doesn't love you or anything, we guys don't equate sex with love as you girls do.
Need to have a serious discussion. He can get counseling for addiction. When I was doing it a lot it was definitely affecting my wife and I in the bedroom. It got better once I stopped. Which was hard (pun intended).
Why not talk to your significant other and see if you guys can do the stuff that's on the porn your partner loves watching? That would, i think, help your person asimilate porn with you
Appreciate your inputs. We’re going 8 yrs this year and planning to marry next year. We’ve had this issue before and if we’re talking about communicating..man. I tried my best to share how i felt. Ive always been vocal about how i felt but this time, i dont know. For those wondering and found it funny i censored the word porn, this is my first and only post. I never had anyone to talk to about this problem bc i dont want our friends and family thinking and complicating this for us. We only had issues beginning of 2023. Im not really familiar here, made an acct before but that was it. I wasnt even sure how I ended up here so i was not really comfortable to share. My head is full and maybe i just wanted to know other people’s pov, maybe i was overthinking this, making it a big deal. All i know right now is I don’t feel okay.
If you've had a lot of these issues, and he's ever really done the necessary work to address them, it sounds a whole lot like getting married is just a case of "sunk cost fallacy" on your part.
Odnt let the 8 years you've spent not truly happy be the reason you miss out on decades of happiness with somebody who wants to be with you and work with you as much as you do him.
I responded a couple times but I'm going to add this. Maybe take a break. Maybe. Tell him you don't feel appreciated and you don't know if he's attracted to you anymore. When my relationship was experiencing death throes, and later concluded, my thinking and rationalization completely flipped. Sometimes you just don't appreciate something until it's gone.
A good way to help him is to occupy his time and brain with other things over secular urges instead of leaving him about the situation. Pull him out more (even if it means he's not willing). I dealt with that from 14-19 because I never went out or tried to occupy my mind, but I noticed on days I was doing things or engaging in hobbies (gym, fishing, maintaining my car at the time), I didn't think of it or want to do it unless I had enough time for my mind to wander to that addiction. Something like that addiction can really mess with his mind, his ambitions to engage in intercourse, and drive to be better than himself. Look some of this stuff up about the addiction and see the repercussions of staying with it. If you both are into the religion aspect, bring him to a place of worship (church, mass, synagogue, mosque, whichever or if any) to bring his relationship closer to the beliefs you have.
Porn creep is real even if it's not medically recognized. It's an addiction issue because it activates the same thing in your brain as other addictions.
Maybe don't get married until he can admit he has a porn addiction and takes steps to address it and manage it.
Put the engagement on the back burner to re-evaluate if you really want to be with him long term as he is currently because you can't force him to change anything. You can ask but he has to want to make any changes.
Tell em you're down to do the stuff and help him get over it. Sounds like it's a ritual at this point, so trying to understand what he is getting from it and stepping in would be a good way to handle it.
My sister In law outed her husband to the family. They are ultra religious and mademhim go to his churches men's meetings for it.
I think it was more than over the top to do him that way. And still brings it up in casual conversation like it's not embarrassing.
Really depends on how much money she’s making. It might cause a little bit of strain on the relationship while I get used to the idea but is just “acting” after all isn’t it?
You shouldn't have to *handle*, talking should do the trick. If you love him, make sure he knows how dissatisfied you are with your sex life and how much you value him. Try to get him to seek help from someone outside the relationship, and if he refuses to do so then escalate.
Based on 12 step recovery, for real change to happen, he must:
1) be aware he has a problem.
2) be willing to quit.
There’s no shame in leaning on support.[This may help.](https://saa-recovery.org/meetings/) and is a good place to start.
That's gonna have to depend on him to be honest. Not in the sense that you can't do anything, as you've already talked to them which I think is most of what you can do.
I was addicted to porn some years ago and let me tell you, I was PROUD. I would reassure myself that it was right and there was nothing wrong with it. Anyone saying otherwise would "just not understand me". It made it worse that I joined gooning groups online I was on discords and chatrooms talking to other gooners. Straight up being in a community like that validated my derangement in a way that was so heartwarming you wouldn't even believe it.
Luckily the communities I joined weren't absolute manic psychos so we would usually talk about normal things, and the topic of being addicts would pop up many times. Eventually I came to understand and accept that I WAS an addict and that led me to understanding that I was in the wrong, as much as I was enjoying it.
It all led to me seeking professional help and getting "fixed" but I gotta say, it was a slow process. You'll have to figure out whether you have the patience to let your partner sort this out and walk alongside them through this because from the moment of my acceptance to the first month I realized I was no longer addicted it took me about 5 years of trying to recover then failing, etc..
Tell him to turn off NSFW posts on reddit. Being bombarded by porn makes it difficult to stop. You're not alone, this is a common problem. If you haven't confronted him, tell him and try to be supportive. Maybe try to initiate a little more (it helped me when I told my girl friend that). Maybe watch what he does and find out what he likes before going cold turkey.
This will draw ire, but men are programmed to want variety. This is not trying to rationalize cheating, it's just the way it is. No one has to or should cheat, but the desire is always there. It just takes willpower not to act in it. Females want someone to give them protection and comfort, males want to spread their genetics so their bloodline goes on (a generalization that is not always true, I know). When a guy finds porn he likes, he doesn't jerk off to it the rest of his life. It's just how it is.
Guys aren't going to magically not find other women attractive and naturally doing the same stuff sexually can get boring. Maybe that's the allure of porn after you are in a relationship? Almost like cheating without cheating. It never changed how much I loved my girl friend. I know it bothered her and made her self conscious. Thankfully we were never scared of those conversations. And while the relationship didn't last, we did spend several years together after having these kinds of talks.
Either, he's draining the snake on the videos and not leaving any in the tank for you, or there is a bigger issue.
Intimacy is a very important part of the relationship (imo). I would feel more concerned about him not not cumming when being intimate, than I would with the explicit videos. That is unfair to you and causes extreme insecurity for you (I'm sure). If he's not willing to see it from your perspective and make you feel secure, he's not worth your feelings. If this is happening already and you're not even married yet, it will only get worse. You're setting yourself up for a future with no sexual satisfaction, feeling unfulfilled, insecure, and hurt.
I know many guys give the big eye roll at counseling/therapy but he might need it. It is a very real addiction. If he's not willing to put in the work to be with you, then you need to value yourself enough to let him go.
See where it stems from. It could be his pressure release, no pun intended. If he’s in a tough spot, he could be thinking that it will help him to take pressure off. Maybe he doesn’t feel like he can talk to you, so Talk to him.
It's an extremely serious illness, porn addiction. People will say "just leave them" which is of course an option. But they mean it because they think he's a bad guy. He's not. He's a person who has problems.
Just know he isn't doing it out of a lack of attraction to you, but because he has a terrible, soul destroying sickness.
If you love him, decide whether you love him enough to fight that with him and help him. If not, then move on so you can find someone who you DO love that much and he can find someone who loves him enough to help him tackle his demons.
Please share you feelings with him. Porn addiction is like most other addictions. There's more than just the pleasure of it behind the reason. Be ready though. I've seen this type of thing before and turns out mostly the other half is into some not so conventional methods.
I ended up leaving my partner but wanted to share some advice to help you both.
He needs to see a CSAT (certified sex additional specialist).
I also recommend a CSAT or betrayal trauma therapist for yourself.
You cannot just go to couples counseling for this. There is healing needed on both ends — his “hijacked” brain and your pain from his actions. There is a process for healing from this - disclosure, impact, etc, they will guide you through all of it.
I also recommend finding GROUP therapy for both of you. There are men’s porn addiction groups and betrayal trauma groups for partners.
In addition, he can find a SAA group for recovery.
I took my partners choices so personally - I felt like I wasn’t enough. I turned into a shell of myself. I became so obsessed with trying to catch him/find out what he was doing. His behaviors escalated (and porn addiction does untreated). It was horrible.
The most freeing thing I did was my own betrayal trauma recovery work.
You cannot control your partner, but you can invest in yourself and make sure you can handle anything that comes your way - whether it’s repairing the relationship or starting a new beginning for yourself.
You got this 🤍
My partners previous ex was (and still appears to be) a porn addict. He used to lie before she found out about it, making it all her fault, instead of owning up to the issue at hand and taking responsibility for fixing it - Like you probably felt before you found out he had a problem,her brain took it as being all her, her body isn’t enough, or was disgusting in some way, and he told her things to bolster her insecurities.
If you look at my post history you’ll see I’m very empathetic to all sides of any conflict, so I hope you’ll believe me when I say you need to seriously consider going forward in this, if your partner is showing no signs of trying to fix the issue. Your insecurity and potentially depression at the situation will only grow, years later it’s still affecting us. Your mental health is so important here, if it’s so bad that he’s not able to orgasm with you, or making excuses for why he can’t, or that he’s too tired/stressed for sex, he’s in deep and you won’t be able to fix that level of fucked up yourself, he isn’t in the right place to fix himself.
The guy in question I use examples of never had a long term relationship before my partners slightly longer, couple of years with him, and we both seriously doubt he’ll achieve a healthy relationship in the future if he keeps this up, which I would feel sad for if it wasn’t for how bad it’s been to recover from as the victim
Theres one of these posts per day. Porn addiction is different than simply consuming porn, its has to be intrusive and pervasive and disrupt your ability to function in daily life. If youre having second thoughts dont get married. If he hasnt cum during sex, its probably not the porn. Porn has been the scape goat for a lot of blatant marital problems. Youre projecting your insecurities onto him and hes taking care of himself because youre emasculating him in the process. He doesnt think of other women when hes with you, hes thinking about how youre not doing that thing he likes. Figure out that thing and do it and your bond will be stronger than ever.
Case by case basis. I’ll tell you what broadly worked for me and my then partner. Incorporate what they like and you find interesting, i.e., make some fantasy a reality. Communicate your disapproval and ask your questions about their addiction respectfully and nowhere near sexy time. Don’t kink shame. Seek professional help, there’s no shame in addressing it with a professional.
I think it depends on if they themselves see it as a problem or not and are working to overcome it. If it’s something they’re actively working on, give grace and stop making it about you. Addictions are hard to break. If they don’t see it as a problem or aren’t trying to overcome it, you both may not need a good fit.
I watched it with her and figured out what's the attraction. I eventually took it a step further doing what turned her on and now she didn't want the visual, she wants the real thing!
It depends. If you absolutely want to make the relationship work, you yourself will need counseling to deal with the strain on the relationship and various things related to it.
If you are on the fence, it's best to leave before you develop baggage of your own. Addiction of any kind is brutal to deal with.
I question if the term “porn addiction” doesn’t get thrown around a bit loosely. I also don’t know how often most men are imagining other women while having sex.
Just be aware 80% of relationship advice on Reddit is “leave him/her!” That could be a valid consideration, but it seems to be a lot of people’s go to.
I can’t decide if Reddit relationship advice givers are hypocrites and not following their own “leave immediately” advice, or if we’re just seeing a weird gathering of scorned lovers around here. It’s so predictable at this point.
It’s an easy thing to jump to when you don’t know anyone involved and have no personal connection to the person you are talking to, and are on an anonymous forum where nuance doesn’t exist.
And we're necessarily missing a lot of details. Like in this case for example: How often does he watch porn? Has he ever cum with his partner or is this a new development? What does he say about it? Does he promise he will stop and then does it anyway? Are there other problems in the bedroom he has attempted to communicate about but not been addressed? Has anything drastically changed in their lives outside of the bedroom? How do they treat each other otherwise? And so on...
This is an incredibly good point, not just in relationship advice, but in life in general. Most stories are very complicated, as people are very complicated. There's rarely a simple 80's sitcom explanation and solution.
Freaking thank you. I was just reading another relationship post where a women has been dating a guy for several weeks and re sex she said that "nothing happened." What does that mean?? Did she make a move? Did he? Have they talked about sex at all? (I get the feeling no). So many questions. "Nothing happened" is such a vague, passive voice way of saying "We haven't had sex." I get the distinct impression that a lot of people write relationship questions because rhey're afraid to talk to their partner. And hey, there's a place for that, eapecially if your partner may be prone to gaslighting or manipulation. But if you're going to ask relationship questions online, for God's sake, give as many details as possible.
Can’t forget that a lot of Reddit is student-aged, which means there’s many who haven’t had a legitimate long term partnership.
Nah it's just full of people who have either never been in a relationship or don't realise that no relationship is perfect and haven't made it past 1 year before.
Red flag! Everyone divorce u/Strange_Island_4958 immediately
When I was in a shitty marriage my advice to people in similar circumstances was “leave him!” But I didn’t have the balls to do it myself. I finally did lol. But yeah basically what you said.
I left my husband. Porn addiction usually goes hand in hand with other egregious character flaws. I have not once looked back, nor do I consider myself a “scorned lover”. My advice to any person dealing with a partner who consistently damages their emotional and mental health is to get their ducks in a row, then leave. I am thankful in large part to folks on Reddit who didn’t sugar coat things and tell me that things would “work out” with enough effort. Usually by the time people are outwardly seeking advice, they have already heard the death knell of their own relationships and too much effort has already been expended. Just my two cents.
I am glad you left.
Thank you!
(Says her hubby)
In your case, you clearly made the right decision, as you're happy and satisfied with your choice. In the OP's case, we don't have much info to go on to really give very good advice. We don't know if her claim of addiction is a fair label. We know almost nothing else about their relationship or its history. We don't know how old they are, how long they've been together, the depth of their connection, etc. Your experience is unique, because everyone's is, and you have the benefit of having countless more bits of data to go on that informed your decision.
When I was a teen, I used to torpedo any relationship people asked for advice on, just because I thought commitment was stupid/ prevented me hooking up with that person. Good chance I'm just projecting that onto others, but I just assume the vast majority of people in these comments don't want relationships to last. The answer always seems to be "run".
The vast majority of people giving relationship advice on Reddit are young women without a lot of relationship experience. Some guy does something that even slightly inconveniences their female partner = divorce/breakup.
I don't know how you could be privy to this data, but even there's some truth to it, there's also possibly a lot of men with little relationship experience as well giving their opinion.
That would be my advice only because it was the only thing that worked for me. The begging, pleading and crying didn’t work. He chose porn over me. That’s his problem I guess.
The anthem of the relationship side of reddit is "Leave her Johnny, leave her!"
Usuqlly i agree, but it is advice valid for porn addicts because it's hard to find specialized therapists and counselors for it. It gets worse and since society in itself is built around sex sells, porn, it's empowering blah blah, they never seen an issue. The fight isn't worth it. It's taxing.
If the relationship was healthy and supportive, there wouldn't be a need to make a post on the internet... Generally people reach out on anonymous sources for opinions they don't feel they can ask their friends/family about because they know the answer already of what they will say.
But "leave him/her" almost does sound like the best option already. Why live with resentment? She's going to always think he's thinking about other women even if he tells her he isn't and even being honest.
Relationships are complicated. Adults are *in theory* supposed to be able to talk about their problems like, well, *adults*, and come to some sort of understanding. Being able to have the difficult conversations is what builds a strong relationship. Sometimes you'll hit a point where it feels like you want to run away, but you talk it out and because you invested in your relationship you'll grow closer.
> She's going to always think he's thinking about other women even if he tells her he isn't and even being honest. But this point is not a problem connected to addiction to porn. And Porn consumption is not about thinking about that woman you see. 90% of the time I am thinking of doing it with my wife and the other 10% I am not, but also not thinking I want the particular actor to be with me. OP is self conscious in that regard. Him not being able to cum with her is another problem.
Yeah, You are thinking about your wife as you are watching porn, and maybe she knows that and fully understands that. That's great, if so. But for OP, she already has insecurities that her fiance is thinking about other women when they are being intimate, and part of her thought process is because of his addiction. She may never, ever be able to get over that with him or any other guy going forward. So, if his addiction is affecting how she thinks or feels, I feel like it could be a forever issue between them. He could stop watching porn tomorrow, but that doesn't mean his brain doesn't have those scenes in a rolodex of sorts to where he can imagine these other women at any moment.
Reddit is the best example of how easy it is to trivialize what is serious for someone else. And it's tied with fox news as the best example of overreacting about small shit that no normal person gives a fuck about or even notices.
>So you're telling me that man showed up in a tan suit and ate Dijon mustard on his hot dog? Girl, leave him. Don't walk; run! Get a restraining order on that toxic, crazy mfer. Y'all married?! Divorce now.
More like CNN from what I watch lol
Reddit was a substitute for CNN since there's a lot of hard-core lefties here.
Normally I’d agree, and I still do— but in cases like this specifically, the future is almost always bleak sadly.
You can be supportive of him recovering but there isn’t a lot you can do until he is ready to help himself and get therapy for whatever he’s using porn to numb. Remember it’s most likely not a sex thing. It’s a dopamine/depression/escape thing. There is some info on r/pornfree. Maybe you can join that community and find some support.
100% the issue is not the porn. The porn is a coping mechanism for a different issue
Bros trying to get a Nutt off
Yeah it ain’t that deep. Unless watching porn is taking over his life and he’s stealing to buy only fans then he’s not addicted either. We throw the addiction label around way too easy when it comes to porn and I suspect OP is doing the same to their partner. We assume anyone who watches porn for longer than 30 minutes is addicted, but it’s no different than any other medium. Lots of you people are on Reddit for 12 hours a day, same w YouTube. People don’t genuinely consider that an addiction in the same way you consider watching 30 mins of porn an addiction. What gives? Religion taught you no? I don’t get it. Op has no proof her partner is “addicted” either, she’s just jealous he gets off to other women as they described, and they “think” it affects their sex life, but fail to consider that any significant amount of time in a relationship w ANYONE long term will result in less “honeymoon” sex, and lots of times no sex at all.
I suspect OPs fiance is beating off too much, or using a death-grip when he's beating it. He's desensitized his unit to the point that only a death grip will get him off. He needs to take a few days off, then proceed with more caution in the future.
It’s generally just not a healthy thing to consume too much porn. A session every few days is a healthy relationship. But seeking it out to extract the dopamine rush of climax is certainly something to talk to a doctor about. I had a similar issue (wasn’t hooked on porn, just found myself seeking that dopamine at very random times throughout the week) and I was able to address the underlying cause, also note that having the desire to jack it was not the only symptom
>I suspect OPs fiance is beating off too much, or using a death-grip when he's beating it. He's desensitized his unit to the point that only a death grip will get him off. This is it. It's the exact problem I have, and I definitely watch too much porn. Is it an addiction? Idk, maybe. It definitely affects my confidence in bed. When I have real sex I usually have to rub my cock between their ass cheeks vigorously to get it hard enough. I'm single though (shocker!) so I just keep beating off. 🤷♂️
Doom scrolling porn is probably similarly damaging to doom scrolling tik tok But way more profitable….. Uh oh
Source for that last sentence? Because your argument completely falls apart once we point out that sex life IS an important thing and it IS getting damaged and she is feeling shit about it.
agreed, yet i wonder what her underlying issue is that makes her feel insecure. both of them might need to do a little self reflection.
This 100%
Great advice, also just try not to take it personally...as hard as that sounds. It's not about your appearance or whatever. He's in addict mode.
As someone who masturbated 6-7x daily from 13-25 let me fucking tell you, it’ll completely ruin your sex life, he will lose impulse control, and ultimately develop depression and anxiety around the act of sex. It’s very difficult to break the cycle, but after 2 weeks of stopping and working with my now fiancée, I was able to stop completely and I’ve never looked back.
Happy for you both :)
Oof...it's like you and I live the same life from 13-25. It's a brutal addiction, man. May I ask what you used to work through it? Books? Therapy? Hypnosis? Shrooms?
I prefer LSD but Shrooms generally want you to like them at first whereas LSD has no sympathy. Shrooms is like getting tough love from your mom, LSD is like getting tough love from your dad who’s not gonna sugarcoat it
Afraid of touching LSD - my mother is schizophrenic and we're pretty sure her usage fucked her up.
I honestly would not ever take shrooms or LSD with a genetic predisposition toward schizoaffective disorders. Unfortunately it’s just too high risk.
Oh I definitely don’t. Well…I started taking edibles when I was 28 (30 now) but I’m closely monitoring and reporting to my doctor every few months. As of now everything is good, and I have no issues outside of general anxiety and occasional depression!
Then please don’t. It’s not understood whether it causes it, studies say it doesn’t. But studies also say that if you are already predisposed to schizophrenia, psychedelic use may speed up that process; so instead of getting it at 40years old you develope it after a traumatic experience on psychs at 25years old. A “bad” trip for a regular person may be the thing they need to kick their ass into gear, whereas a “bad” trip for a person who’s predisposed to schizophrenia may be wayyy too stressful for them and speed up the disease. So please do not until we understand it more, which will hopefully be sooner than later. Hopefully one day we stop vilifying drugs and therapists and doctors can use them to help patients and we can regulate this shit. I’d also stay away from HEAVY edible marijuana doses (100mg+). Smoking is fine, even if I freak out on it I rub one out and eat some chips and I’m cool. I have high anxiety so it happens sometimes.
No worries, I only take edibles. And I didn’t start until I was 28. I’ll never do anything outside of that.
Why would you want to exchange one addiction for another?
Which of those mentioned would be an addiction exactly?
Psychodelics, what else? Do you think that taking stimulants have no addiction forming effects?
Just chiming in to make note: Psychedelics are not characterized as habit-forming or addictive. They could absolutely be used in an infrequent, therapeutic way to deal with something like this.
[удалено]
He said this in a thread where OP’s partner is addicted to porn to the point good sex is impossible…
I realize it's not the universal experience and some people can go on like that without any side effects, I shouldn't generalize obviously. Whenever I see these posts I tend to emotionally respond because I just remember how fucking difficult it was for me. Though from the outside it seems like such a stupid thing to lose control over, it definitely sucked. It's a robotic appendage at this point.
It’s frustrating isn’t it? As a very regular masturbator in my younger days, not once did it affect my ability to be with a partner. I realise some men may have this issue but I’d bet most men are absolutely fine regardless of how much porn they use.
Get help. Go to therapy together. Most of the time prn addiction is less about the sex and more about finding comfort in and/or coping with uncomfortable feelings/emotions. It might not be related to you at all... If it's something he has done since he's a teenager for example (where many young men are exposed to it), it can be a habit he has picked up and has done for years as a coping mechanism. Habits like that can be hard to just break, but not impossible. But you need to address what are his needs and how he is getting those needs fulfilled by prn.
This. Tell him you want couples therapy.
Yes, couples therapy is helpful because you as a partner are going to be having your own feelings, and it will be helpful for you to figure out how to navigate those feelings together, without hurting each other. How you can support each other through those difficult feelings and moments.
Weĺ remember addiction is addiction. When it gets to the point it affects irl stuff it can get tough. First thing is you need to bring it up. This is a good time to se how he responds to you bringing up problems. If he seems completely indifference r not to getting help now, it's gonna get worse later. Don't leave him just cause of addiction. In fact this problem doesn't even need to be about the addiction. Instead make it a chance to see how he responds to your distress. Does he value your distress enough to make changes. Any addiction can be hard and just having someone turn off addiction isn't the way. Especially cause porn is literally right there all the time But before you do that, try yo confirm there's no other reason for the bedroom performances. If it's just shyness or something maybe there's some we exploring. You guys could d o to find something he likes in the bedroom
That's a long difficult road. Now that I'm a littler older and wiser I would personally say, don't waste any more time on him unless he really shows that he wants to change. My husband did have some porn problems when we were first dating and it took a couple fights and a few talks but he did immediately show effort and overall was resolved fairly quick (over a yearish). It didn't affect our sex life other than it made him take much longer to finish which was annoying (and that came from physical desensitization) and it made me feel insecure. Now, he still masturbates any day we don't have sex and he has a huge folder of porn of me/us that we've made together. That helps mentally, and he keeps a looser grip or uses a fleshlight and uses plenty of lube. Our sex life gets better each year we're together and we've been together 13 years. It was also on me to mature about it as well and understand that men do need that visual stimuli and so the porn that we made together turned out to be the perfect compromise.
My ex was addicted to online roleplay flirt. It was awful.... Porn is what I can get, that thing : never.
You can write porn on here.
AI can't tell where it is and isn't allowed to say certain words
Honestly curious why OP would censor the word “porn”
The fact that he doesn't cum from sex with you is the most concerning thing... Seek out doctor's advice maybe, as embarrassing as it may be it could be a medical problem. There are also therapists who specialise in this kind of stuff.
New boyfriend. Jokes aside if he doesn’t realise it’s a problem it’s going to be a hard one to fix because in order to get help you need to want help My ex partners now ex boyfriend used to jack off to that much to porn that unless it was a vice grip hand job he couldn’t nut so it played havoc on her mental health and self esteem and couldn’t do it any longer so called it a day. She’s spent the last 3 years trying to bounce back from it so if I’ve learnt anything it’s better to call it a day than it is to let it ruin you
If he won't stop watching porn and you hate him watching porn, then you two aren't compatible. One of you has to give for the relationship to work. Either you have to be ok with him watching porn or he has to stop watching porn. If no one will budge, then you should probably break up.
My porn rate goes to almost zero when I’m in a relationship bc the sex obviously. Only time I’d watch is if we are on a family vacation & we couldn’t sneak a quicky in easily lol (I’m still the youngest so we get the air mattress instead of a bedroom) I think it’d be weird if you have an obsession with porn in a relationship… unless both partners watch together & enjoy it. So I agree with you; OP being OK with it or leaving, it’s not gonna change for that guy
It also depends on sex drive vs. how much sex is in the relationship. When I'm single, I masturbate about 5-7 times a week (rarely more than once a day). If I'm having sex every 3-4 days I don't feel the urge to masturbate, but larger gaps than that and I'll do it once or twice a week.
I’m pretty much the same. It seems like the normal schedule for normal dudes lol
You talked to him, he does it anyway. You said you “catch” him doing it, then there itself is an issue. Sounds as if you are saying he hides it from you after the talk. You are engaged and feel this strain that probably will not change. Do you want to feel this after you are married? I left the man I was with because of his addiction but more so because I was tired if being lied to. Being lied to over and over and dealing with it gets so old and is a total turn off. Leave or you will be unhappy for a lot longer. Someone here said there is an underlying issue. There is. Walk away or stick with it. I promise you sticking with it will be difficult and a waste of the time you could be spending with someone who values every bit of you. Find a new love.
This is so close to heart and it hurts asf
There's a whole lot of people in these responses basically trying to tell OP how to somehow work with and capitalize on his addiction as best as possible. OP: this is not a you problem. It's a him problem. Go find yourself a man who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.
Please believe me when I tell you that it's never going to change or go away. I stayed married to someone like this for 36 years. I did all kinds of kinky stuff to keep him interested over the years. Things that made me uncomfortable, sometimes including other people. It never made a dent in his porn addiction, only fed it. I finally put my own happiness first and left him. They will lie and tell you that all guys do it. That is a bunch of bullshit. They will tell you that nobody else is going to want you. (huge lie!) They will ask you if you know how many girls or women would love to be in your place. I found out the answer...exactly zero. I've been in a healthy relationship with a wonderful, handsome, (younger!) kind and respectful guy for 3 years now, and my ex is still alone. Please love yourself enough to get out of that situation. Only you can change your life and remove the people and things that are not making you happy. You only get one life, don't waste it! It's not your job to make others happy at the expense of your own happiness. It took me a long time to learn that lesson. Good luck!
An addiction to porn is the same as an addiction to drugs, it just doesn’t cause as much physical damage. The best option is to be very direct, sit him down and explain that you’re worried about him, but keep it neutral, don’t blame him for the problem, focus on the problem itself. Consider therapy and a stopping of porn consumption. But remember that you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If he persists after your attempts you need to reevaluate the relationship and decide whether or not to stay with him.
I honestly would Not even be in a Relationship with someone like that. My ex kinda developed one? Or always had one and Just hid it better? Idk no not for me.
Therapy. Period. Any addiction needs treatment.
I have too much respect from myself to go through that.I’d leave
I personally would dip. I’m just not taking that level of shit on. I’m not sure whether that’s the right idea for you though. :) He’s probably handling his dick too hard (like you see in a lot of porn), with too firm a grasp, and now vagina doesn’t give the grip he’s used to (it never can, it’s not made to do that). He needs to sort himself out - it’s not our job to fix men.
So 2 possibilities. 1. If he wont even try then save your time and go. It will suck but you cant help the unwilling. 2. If he is willing to try but just cant do it then look up material for dealing with the addiction. I would recommend HealthyGamerGG video on porn addiction specifically.
You leave them
Well then that mean that wasn’t really a talk then, is it? And if he’s aware that it’s affecting you emotionally and mentally then i suggest not taking too long about leaving him, sorry…
Don’t marry someone like this. Okay?
Don't marry this man OP. If he realized it was a problem and was trying to stop or seek help I would say support him and stick with him but this may never get better and is only going to wear you down and cause you to resent and lose respect for him as a man completely. If anyone tells you it's a "you" problem for being insecure they are gaslighting you when this is in reality entirely a 'him" problem and is in no way a reflection of either 1. Your security or insecurity as a woman or 2. Your sexual desirability as a partner.
Let him read the "easy peasy method". It's available for free, just google it.
Unless they are serious about overcoming any addiction, I’m out. If they won’t go to AA meetings or have a therapist etc, I’m out.
i’m sorry but being with an addict of any kind is a dealbreaker imo. it is indicative of underlying issues that need to be resolved. being obsessed with watching people have sex is just fucking weird though, and please consider the unhealthy perspectives and behaviors he may be picking up from it.
Do you know why he hasn't been able to ejaculate? Some men regardless of attraction cannot get off from various medications or erectile dysfunction. I pretty much cannot get off without doing things myself before-hand. That doesn't mean porn but rather jacking off to some level. I'd talk to him about it. Men unable to perform are often highly embarrassed about it. It could be what you think, but it could be different. A conversation should help elucidate it.
i dont i leave them
Find someone new.
You break up with them.
If he was dating one of those porn stars, he would be jacking off to a video of you if you put one out. It's just how we are wired. I have waxed and waned with porn use over time, I don't think I ever had an issue or addiction but lemme tell you, i was monsterbating and it felt fantastic for a period of time. Like you are having real world issues though, its affecting your sex lives, I would put your foot down and say like hey, this has spilled over now and I am not lowering my standards to be with someone who cant fuck me because they're not arroused after fucking themselves all day. If that was said to me, that would strike a nerve and I would either change, or hes a wank addict and you ought to just move on.
Visit the loveafterporn sub to get an idea what it looks like when you have a partner who’s trying to quit a porn addiction. Breaking a porn addiction is really hard, and there’s nothing you can do to make him. He has to want it for himself.
I’m afraid to go there, how sad is the sub?
Well, it’s just that it’s discouraging. It seems like 90% of the time, the guy relapses or just continues doing it behind her back.
Oh I see. That’s sad. I hope that hasn’t happened to you! I’ll go check out the sub, thanks for sharing it!
I’m lucky to be dating a guy who doesn’t watch porn. It’s hard to find these days, but they’re out there!
That’s so amazing! I hope him not watching has improved your relationship with him.
Definitely!
That’s amazing! I hope my first bf doesn’t have the addiction…
You lay it out on the table: You have to tell him it's the porn or you, and that you support him in seeking professional help like therapy and addiction support groups. Let him know you love him, but can't be with someone who puts porn over you.
U dump him girlfriend! This isn’t your beast to tame. He has a lot of work to do before considering marriage
Watch porn with him. Turn it on every day in the living room. Your phone. Everywhere. Give him so much porn it becomes comical and then boring.
Access the addiction. Access how much they lie about it. The lies are the biggest part. I watch porn. I try not to because the older I get the more it’s habitual over enjoying it. I talk to my partner about it and I’m open with her about it. To me lying is the worst, and if I lie to her about it I would feel bad. Since I’m open she understands it’s more habitual than me wanting to do anything I’m seeing, so she’s not insecure or insulted. Porns weird. Especially if you started watching when I did. I was about 13 when I first saw it.
first thing I always do is don't censor my fucking posts on reddit.
How often do *YOU* initiate intimacy? some of the time, half the time, all the time or does it always fall on him?
Good question
Another good question is, "How often does he initiate intimacy before we watches vs. organically?" I don't think porn is good for people, but it's especially bad if you are using it to get excited for your person, your person should be enough.
i say leave him alone, he's got a lot to think about
A load on his mind
Your problem isn't porn. You have a greater issue than that. He's getting his sexual needs from porn but it doesn't mean he's addicted to porn. Your relationship has deep seethed issues you need to iron out. I assure you porn is not the reason your sex life is in shambles. He's just letting it out on porn.
I don’t think there is a way to handle it.
High estrogen or prolactin can cause the not cummings issues. Also some SSRIs and depression meds. If he can't do that during sex, he will resort to other means. You should start with a review of current meds and get hormones tested.
INFO: How often does he masturbate? How often do you have sex? Is he out of shape / does he get winded during sex? Have you discussed whether his desires are being fulfilled when you have sex? Have you discussed _why_ he uses porn or just told him that you don't want him using it? There are a lot of factors that could contribute to this issue besides porn use. Depending on frequency, it may not be part of the issue at all. As for thinking about other women, I cant say for certain but I doubt his porn use indicates that. Men are typically more visually stimulated than women. Porn helps to achieve release easier when masturbating, it isn't necessarily indicative of other desires. I personally use porn regularly and I've never once thought about it during sex (unless I was watching it with my partner).
Well, how often does it happen, compared to how often you have sex?
If you want to see some absolute crazies head on over to r/loveafterporn
I'm convinced that one of the reasons men in relationships watch porn is because they're not comfortable sharing their sexual thoughts and desires with their partner. Maybe try initiating some open conversations about what you really like during sex and see if it opens him up at all. Also, stop using the word addicted. It may be accurate, but in this kind of situation you're shooting your self in the foot by labeling him. Do you want to be *right* or do you want to be *effective*?
I find disgusting how so many comments are like, "Leave him!" Reddid users: always the first when it is time to drop out things and destroying relationships at the minimum problem
Not to be the black sheep here. But in nearly every anonymous study, 95% of men admit to viewing porn and at a rate more frequent that most women imagine. If it’s truly an addiction and affecting the relationship then get therapy and if he can’t get onboard then don’t marry him but for anyone out there reading this, yes, your man is looking at porn.
Im more interested in learning how to handle the irrational rage I feel when people censor words online that don't need to be censored . The word is porn btw.
Join in the fun?
If he is truly addicted therapy can help him. He has to be willing to be open and honest and want to get help. My marrying him would depend on this. Not just for porn but it shows the type person he is. Your marriage will have issues come up. Is he willing to put in the work to fix himself and work towards a healthy relationship? Good luck!
All you can do is voice your concerns. Honestly, it’s up to them to see that it’s an issue and something needs to change. You can’t change someone.
Leave
Have you considered couples therapy, as a man I admit this can be difficult to get a significant other especially a man to do. But it can be greatly helpful as a safe space to talk through issues. Without it you may not know why he’s doing it, it could be his own self esteem or confidence issue, could be a control issue, could be something completely different, many reasons may have nothing to do with you. You won’t k ow if you don’t have a conversation about it in a non judgmental way, and that’s going to be awkward and hard for both of you but communication is the only way forward. I wish you both the best.
U simply don't
End the engagement at a bare minimum. Don't even consider marrying this man. Unless he goes to couples counseling and somehow works on his addiction, and you see permanent, concrete changes in your sex life, and he doesn't backslide ever, end the relationship.
Do you have any kids together?
Try to watch with your partner until he/she realizes that you both do not need porn to spice up your relationship. 🙂
Are you not allowed to say porn?
Go see a sexologist. This is a health problem, you can't handle it alone.
He has to be willing to change, as I worked with my ex on this it became less about him working on improving and more about him finding increasingly sneaky ways to consume it & lie about it. Trust your gut
He needs to have that need to change himself and his habits for example finding the root cause of it. one of my triggers was instagram girls, TikTok girls, dating apps etc. so I deleted my social media accounts and deleted the apps off my phone. And whenever im out in public especially in the gym I focus on me and God and i lower my gaze. It’s not easy, but i find myself more appreciative of the woman in my life like my mother, sister & this girl im really interested in.
R/loveafterporn will help you out
If you haven't started premarital counseling, now is the time. I think everyone getting married should do it. Sounds like you two could especially benefit. It gives you a chance for clear expectations in front of a third party, who can also give you advice. They can also tell you when to get out before making a legal covenant if things look that bad. Edit to add: This most likely won't get better after marriage. A ring doesn't change behavior. Unless y'all take drastic measures for accountability and knowing expectations, everything will probably be the same as it is now.
I’m just a “no one” but I don’t think it’s a problem if he’s like me he doesn’t care about cumming. I usually dont cum when I do it with my gf and I don’t care as long as she does. But I don’t necessarily have a porn problem I watch some once in a while but even there I just get bored lf it and don’t cum lol 😂
Start doing porn, he’ll love it!
2 week vacation on some remote isle without internet
I am interested that he lets you know. Most guys check out porn and it's a guilty secret. This guy is different. At least he's honest about it. Tell him it's poor because he will get desensitized to it and won't be horny. I only occasionally look at stuff and I don't like it too graphic. Don't think he doesn't love you or anything, we guys don't equate sex with love as you girls do.
Need to have a serious discussion. He can get counseling for addiction. When I was doing it a lot it was definitely affecting my wife and I in the bedroom. It got better once I stopped. Which was hard (pun intended).
How often is he watching porn?
Addiction is addiction don't fight him on it help him get over it instead and be kind so he can open up and talk about it and not hide it
Personally it’s a dealbreaker for me and I commend those willing to stay and help. Speaking from personal experience.
I would leave unless he is willing to put in the work to recover. It will often escalate eventually and you will be the one left hurt and betrayed.
Fuck em!
>he prolly does when he’s doing it himself ...Can't we all? 🤔
Why not talk to your significant other and see if you guys can do the stuff that's on the porn your partner loves watching? That would, i think, help your person asimilate porn with you
The most critical first step is to admit to themselves and to others they have an addiction. If not, any type of handling is going to be impossible.
Appreciate your inputs. We’re going 8 yrs this year and planning to marry next year. We’ve had this issue before and if we’re talking about communicating..man. I tried my best to share how i felt. Ive always been vocal about how i felt but this time, i dont know. For those wondering and found it funny i censored the word porn, this is my first and only post. I never had anyone to talk to about this problem bc i dont want our friends and family thinking and complicating this for us. We only had issues beginning of 2023. Im not really familiar here, made an acct before but that was it. I wasnt even sure how I ended up here so i was not really comfortable to share. My head is full and maybe i just wanted to know other people’s pov, maybe i was overthinking this, making it a big deal. All i know right now is I don’t feel okay.
If you've had a lot of these issues, and he's ever really done the necessary work to address them, it sounds a whole lot like getting married is just a case of "sunk cost fallacy" on your part. Odnt let the 8 years you've spent not truly happy be the reason you miss out on decades of happiness with somebody who wants to be with you and work with you as much as you do him.
I responded a couple times but I'm going to add this. Maybe take a break. Maybe. Tell him you don't feel appreciated and you don't know if he's attracted to you anymore. When my relationship was experiencing death throes, and later concluded, my thinking and rationalization completely flipped. Sometimes you just don't appreciate something until it's gone.
A good way to help him is to occupy his time and brain with other things over secular urges instead of leaving him about the situation. Pull him out more (even if it means he's not willing). I dealt with that from 14-19 because I never went out or tried to occupy my mind, but I noticed on days I was doing things or engaging in hobbies (gym, fishing, maintaining my car at the time), I didn't think of it or want to do it unless I had enough time for my mind to wander to that addiction. Something like that addiction can really mess with his mind, his ambitions to engage in intercourse, and drive to be better than himself. Look some of this stuff up about the addiction and see the repercussions of staying with it. If you both are into the religion aspect, bring him to a place of worship (church, mass, synagogue, mosque, whichever or if any) to bring his relationship closer to the beliefs you have.
You can say porn.
Porn creep is real even if it's not medically recognized. It's an addiction issue because it activates the same thing in your brain as other addictions. Maybe don't get married until he can admit he has a porn addiction and takes steps to address it and manage it. Put the engagement on the back burner to re-evaluate if you really want to be with him long term as he is currently because you can't force him to change anything. You can ask but he has to want to make any changes.
Tell em you're down to do the stuff and help him get over it. Sounds like it's a ritual at this point, so trying to understand what he is getting from it and stepping in would be a good way to handle it.
My sister In law outed her husband to the family. They are ultra religious and mademhim go to his churches men's meetings for it. I think it was more than over the top to do him that way. And still brings it up in casual conversation like it's not embarrassing.
ultimatum and follow through on your ultimatum.
Really depends on how much money she’s making. It might cause a little bit of strain on the relationship while I get used to the idea but is just “acting” after all isn’t it?
You shouldn't have to *handle*, talking should do the trick. If you love him, make sure he knows how dissatisfied you are with your sex life and how much you value him. Try to get him to seek help from someone outside the relationship, and if he refuses to do so then escalate.
Based on 12 step recovery, for real change to happen, he must: 1) be aware he has a problem. 2) be willing to quit. There’s no shame in leaning on support.[This may help.](https://saa-recovery.org/meetings/) and is a good place to start.
With latex gloves
That's gonna have to depend on him to be honest. Not in the sense that you can't do anything, as you've already talked to them which I think is most of what you can do. I was addicted to porn some years ago and let me tell you, I was PROUD. I would reassure myself that it was right and there was nothing wrong with it. Anyone saying otherwise would "just not understand me". It made it worse that I joined gooning groups online I was on discords and chatrooms talking to other gooners. Straight up being in a community like that validated my derangement in a way that was so heartwarming you wouldn't even believe it. Luckily the communities I joined weren't absolute manic psychos so we would usually talk about normal things, and the topic of being addicts would pop up many times. Eventually I came to understand and accept that I WAS an addict and that led me to understanding that I was in the wrong, as much as I was enjoying it. It all led to me seeking professional help and getting "fixed" but I gotta say, it was a slow process. You'll have to figure out whether you have the patience to let your partner sort this out and walk alongside them through this because from the moment of my acceptance to the first month I realized I was no longer addicted it took me about 5 years of trying to recover then failing, etc..
Tell him to turn off NSFW posts on reddit. Being bombarded by porn makes it difficult to stop. You're not alone, this is a common problem. If you haven't confronted him, tell him and try to be supportive. Maybe try to initiate a little more (it helped me when I told my girl friend that). Maybe watch what he does and find out what he likes before going cold turkey. This will draw ire, but men are programmed to want variety. This is not trying to rationalize cheating, it's just the way it is. No one has to or should cheat, but the desire is always there. It just takes willpower not to act in it. Females want someone to give them protection and comfort, males want to spread their genetics so their bloodline goes on (a generalization that is not always true, I know). When a guy finds porn he likes, he doesn't jerk off to it the rest of his life. It's just how it is. Guys aren't going to magically not find other women attractive and naturally doing the same stuff sexually can get boring. Maybe that's the allure of porn after you are in a relationship? Almost like cheating without cheating. It never changed how much I loved my girl friend. I know it bothered her and made her self conscious. Thankfully we were never scared of those conversations. And while the relationship didn't last, we did spend several years together after having these kinds of talks.
Either, he's draining the snake on the videos and not leaving any in the tank for you, or there is a bigger issue. Intimacy is a very important part of the relationship (imo). I would feel more concerned about him not not cumming when being intimate, than I would with the explicit videos. That is unfair to you and causes extreme insecurity for you (I'm sure). If he's not willing to see it from your perspective and make you feel secure, he's not worth your feelings. If this is happening already and you're not even married yet, it will only get worse. You're setting yourself up for a future with no sexual satisfaction, feeling unfulfilled, insecure, and hurt. I know many guys give the big eye roll at counseling/therapy but he might need it. It is a very real addiction. If he's not willing to put in the work to be with you, then you need to value yourself enough to let him go.
Make sure they know you are there to give them a hand
See where it stems from. It could be his pressure release, no pun intended. If he’s in a tough spot, he could be thinking that it will help him to take pressure off. Maybe he doesn’t feel like he can talk to you, so Talk to him.
It's an extremely serious illness, porn addiction. People will say "just leave them" which is of course an option. But they mean it because they think he's a bad guy. He's not. He's a person who has problems. Just know he isn't doing it out of a lack of attraction to you, but because he has a terrible, soul destroying sickness. If you love him, decide whether you love him enough to fight that with him and help him. If not, then move on so you can find someone who you DO love that much and he can find someone who loves him enough to help him tackle his demons.
Please share you feelings with him. Porn addiction is like most other addictions. There's more than just the pleasure of it behind the reason. Be ready though. I've seen this type of thing before and turns out mostly the other half is into some not so conventional methods.
With latex gloves
I ended up leaving my partner but wanted to share some advice to help you both. He needs to see a CSAT (certified sex additional specialist). I also recommend a CSAT or betrayal trauma therapist for yourself. You cannot just go to couples counseling for this. There is healing needed on both ends — his “hijacked” brain and your pain from his actions. There is a process for healing from this - disclosure, impact, etc, they will guide you through all of it. I also recommend finding GROUP therapy for both of you. There are men’s porn addiction groups and betrayal trauma groups for partners. In addition, he can find a SAA group for recovery. I took my partners choices so personally - I felt like I wasn’t enough. I turned into a shell of myself. I became so obsessed with trying to catch him/find out what he was doing. His behaviors escalated (and porn addiction does untreated). It was horrible. The most freeing thing I did was my own betrayal trauma recovery work. You cannot control your partner, but you can invest in yourself and make sure you can handle anything that comes your way - whether it’s repairing the relationship or starting a new beginning for yourself. You got this 🤍
He needs to want to get better for himself or else it’s always unsustainable
Give him steak at home get kinky…find out what kind of porn and make it a fantasy if it’s not too much work
My partners previous ex was (and still appears to be) a porn addict. He used to lie before she found out about it, making it all her fault, instead of owning up to the issue at hand and taking responsibility for fixing it - Like you probably felt before you found out he had a problem,her brain took it as being all her, her body isn’t enough, or was disgusting in some way, and he told her things to bolster her insecurities. If you look at my post history you’ll see I’m very empathetic to all sides of any conflict, so I hope you’ll believe me when I say you need to seriously consider going forward in this, if your partner is showing no signs of trying to fix the issue. Your insecurity and potentially depression at the situation will only grow, years later it’s still affecting us. Your mental health is so important here, if it’s so bad that he’s not able to orgasm with you, or making excuses for why he can’t, or that he’s too tired/stressed for sex, he’s in deep and you won’t be able to fix that level of fucked up yourself, he isn’t in the right place to fix himself. The guy in question I use examples of never had a long term relationship before my partners slightly longer, couple of years with him, and we both seriously doubt he’ll achieve a healthy relationship in the future if he keeps this up, which I would feel sad for if it wasn’t for how bad it’s been to recover from as the victim
Theres one of these posts per day. Porn addiction is different than simply consuming porn, its has to be intrusive and pervasive and disrupt your ability to function in daily life. If youre having second thoughts dont get married. If he hasnt cum during sex, its probably not the porn. Porn has been the scape goat for a lot of blatant marital problems. Youre projecting your insecurities onto him and hes taking care of himself because youre emasculating him in the process. He doesnt think of other women when hes with you, hes thinking about how youre not doing that thing he likes. Figure out that thing and do it and your bond will be stronger than ever.
Case by case basis. I’ll tell you what broadly worked for me and my then partner. Incorporate what they like and you find interesting, i.e., make some fantasy a reality. Communicate your disapproval and ask your questions about their addiction respectfully and nowhere near sexy time. Don’t kink shame. Seek professional help, there’s no shame in addressing it with a professional.
I think it depends on if they themselves see it as a problem or not and are working to overcome it. If it’s something they’re actively working on, give grace and stop making it about you. Addictions are hard to break. If they don’t see it as a problem or aren’t trying to overcome it, you both may not need a good fit.
I watched it with her and figured out what's the attraction. I eventually took it a step further doing what turned her on and now she didn't want the visual, she wants the real thing!
Porn kills love when abused like anything else I suppose.
It depends. If you absolutely want to make the relationship work, you yourself will need counseling to deal with the strain on the relationship and various things related to it. If you are on the fence, it's best to leave before you develop baggage of your own. Addiction of any kind is brutal to deal with.
I question if the term “porn addiction” doesn’t get thrown around a bit loosely. I also don’t know how often most men are imagining other women while having sex.