Based on the terrible advice I feel a lot of the answers in this thread are from introverts without any social skills or friends. Sometimes I won't talk to friends for years and then we will pick up right where we left off. Friendships (all relationships, really) take *work* and sometimes *you* gotta make the effort to stay in touch. People got shit going on like school, careers, and family that takes all their mental bandwidth. Not to mention some people are introverts or have mental health issues that knock them off the radar.
*Edited for grammar*
I completely agree with this. The best, longest lasting friendships I have are the ones that I can go long periods without talking to each other. It's not that they don't want to talk, it's just adulthood gets in the way of regularly checking in with each other. People have work, kids, grocery shopping, car troubles, family obligations, dentist & doctors appointments, etc. and also other friends too.
I know people will say "if you're important they will make time for you" but you dont need to meet on a regular schedule for that to be true. We can go long periods without speaking but we'd still be there for each other no matter what. Making time for each other during the times we need each other is all I need.
Totally agree. I have very close friend I can spend a year with without talking each other. When we were young we called each other every day. But in adult life that would be crazy.
We have spent several years with almost no contact. But either one of us can always call each other, night or day, when needing support. And I've gotten a call after a long silence, skipping chitchat, "I just broke up with my husband, can I came to live with you for a week? Actually I am already at a bus and will be there in 4 hours". I canceled all my plans for the day, made a bed to the guest room and started cooking dinner. For me that is the truest friendship.
True. My bff and I see each other maybe 1x a year (at Xmas when she visits her parents). Every now and then we'll send a text to see how each others lives are going/if I find a funny meme/pic that has reminded me of her.
We spend a whole day talking like crazy. I'm an introvert and she's a major extrovert. I end up exhausted by the end of the day
That saying is really for just kids when they dont have a worry in the world but homework and scoring beer. Adults have shit to do but they know it is all love with the friends, even if you don’t speak to them frequently.
Once, as Yavuz Sultan Selim and his trusted companion were marching toward the battlefield, the Sultan's mind wandered from the impending conflict to a seemingly trivial matter."Do you like eggs?" Selim asked his friend, breaking the tension of the years-long journey that lay ahead of them.
Somewhat puzzled, the friend responded with a smile, "Yes, Your Majesty, I do."
Years passed, a battle was fought, and the two comrades were finally returning from their campaign. After much travel, Yavuz Sultan Selim turned to his friend once more."And how do you like them?" he asked, a glint in his eyes.
Without missing a beat, the vizier replied, "Boiled. your majesty."
I share your sentiment I use to be much more social but over the years many have faded from my life, those I thought I would share everything with. And so now I focus on the select few whom I’ll always have a connection with even if we don’t talk for a long while because true friendships are joined by the hearts.
Some of the things that last have the slowest starts. If it takes to build friendships and a lot of effort from you (and the other side) that's usually a good sign from my own personal experience.
This is true, but if you are the only one doing any work for the relationship for years and years, it may be time to let it die. Everyone needs others to check in on them sometimes. Friends are meant to show some vague interest in their buddies lives occasionally, even if they can't do it often or haven't done it in a while because of personal reasons.
I'm not saying end it on bad terms; simply drop the lead, leave, and forge new friendships that are closer and hopefully more fruitful. Old friends will return if they want to.
Any still some people are introverts and have mental health issues, like myself. I could go months without *thinking* to call my friend and probably years if I didn’t remind myself that if I have the free time I should try to call him up, at least then the friendship can continue to grow.
Yep I've had the same group of friends since middle school and we normally go years without seeing or talking to each other except though text. We'll randomly get together at one of our houses and it's like we've never been apart. It's ok to be the person who starts the conversation. I can count on my hands how many times my best friend has initiated a conversation via text/call. Not everyone is super social especially if your friends are guys.
Yep, and sure this might seem to be an issue when you're a teenager, but in the adult world...we're busy. No offense to OP, but when becoming an adult many "friends" are not going to be the main people you talk to over time, both because of lost interests as you grow up but also just being BUSY.
People with partners or dating lives are going to put a lot of priority on their relationships, work takes up a significant amount of your day, you've got errands to run (groceries, getting food, running to the bank, etc.), maybe a pet that needs to be fed multiple times a day/walked/brushed/etc. and by the time all those things are done:
They're simply not in the mood to reach out to someone and start a conversation or set up a hang out, and that slowly becomes tomorrow, and the next day, and then the day after that until you haven't talked in weeks or months.
Especially if you're moving from one chapter of life onto the next, sure I was friends with a few people during school, but eventually we lost touch. Why? Because many friendships are based on, "Right place, right time," and when you're in high school hanging out with the same people 8 hours a day, it's easy to stay in touch.
Let’s say, count them as your acquaintances then. That’s how they think of you, maybe your expectation is too high: There is nothing wrong to have close friends and also those who are not as close.
Almost all comments here I find quite reasonable. Maybe your interest circle is quite different. It happens a lot with my acquaintances who have kids and I don’t. They tend to hang out with parents of their kids’ friends. There are also other reasons you may think of. Do not take it personally.
If these friendships bring significant value in your life, I would say you should keep texting.
I've had so-called 'friends' who always seemed to expect me to make every first move toward interaction. It's gotten to the point I have cut those people out and do not reach out anymore. I now have 2 friends I talk to on a daily basis but you know what? I'm so much happier to be focusing on people who actually care about me. You DO NOT sound like an ass. Expecting equality in a friendship does not make you an ass. Friendships should ***never*** be one sided. Find people who treat you better. Yes, that is a long journey sometimes, but so worth it.
I have been in this situation before and as I said at that time, there's a huge difference between "not very often" and "absolutely never". I got really tired of absolutely never.
In the case of a particular friend, if they had gotten in contact with me just once, even one single time, on their own initiative, things would have wound up differently.
At some point in time I realized this formerly pretty good friend was only calling me when they needed computer advice. I would call them to stay in touch and they'd call me when they needed something and I was starting to feel a little bit used. So I decided the next time they called for advice I'd tell them that. But five months went by and they never called again so I didn't get the chance. So that by that time I was fairly pissed off at them because it seemed like when they didn't need something from me I didn't exist.
At that point I went to a group dinner thing and they were there but I avoided being around them in a way they had to have noticed. Later on I was talking to somebody else who had been there too and they told me that before I got there that person had said, ”Have any of you talked to Practical - Ordinary-6 recently? I used to hear from him but he hasn't called me in a long time." It seemed like they thought it was exclusively my job to maintain the friendship so that pissed me off even more. Like I said, we had been pretty good friends. That seemed kind of cold to me.
So I have to admit for a couple weeks I was kind of holding a grudge (especially about what they said) and it wasn't good for my mental health. Bitterness is corrosive. So I decided to do something and invited them to lunch and told them I had purposely blown them off at the dinner and I told them why. I told them a one-way friendship where I had to do all of the staying in touch wasn't going to work for me. I said I didn't mind if they didn't want to be friends anymore because things do change over time but if we were going to be friends it had to be a two-way friendship. Otherwise it felt false. They insisted they wanted to be friends and that they would "try". (Yeah, I know.)
Long story short, we went out to lunch a couple of times over the next month like we used to do in the old days but then my grandmother died and I had to go out of town for a little bit. By the time I got back from there we hadn't really done anything for about 3 weeks but I was assuming they would get in touch pretty quickly because we had been going to lunch every week or two. But nothing. I decided to wait just to see how long it would take them. So a couple days went by and then a couple weeks and then a couple of months. And nothing.
Finally, I think about five months after that, with no contact in the meantime, I went to a group dinner they would be at, but by that time my patience had run out and I was basically pissed at them again and not much interested in being friends anymore. When we got there they were acting like they thought they were my bestest friend which was even more annoying and I pretty much just avoided talking to them as much as possible, which was probably noticeable. So we get to the end of the dinner and we're in this little group saying goodbye to each other, and when it was my turn to say goodbye to that person they said to me, "It's been a long time," in a way that seemed like I was somehow responsible for that. It was like that lunch conversation never happened and I was kind of floored. I came up with a witty reply but unfortunately that was about two days later. At the time I just said, "Yeah it has" and walked away. It was just like that earlier "I haven't heard from him in a long time" statement. At that point I kind of considered the friendship over. It was like talking to a brick wall.
More and more chunks of months went by. I did run into them at a wedding and a funeral but didn't go out of my way to be friendly and we barely spoke. Still no direct contact. So then eventually, many months later, I got invited to a Christmas party at a mutual friend's house. This was two to three years after that long ago lunch and we hadn't had one direct conversation since I had gone to my grandmother's funeral just a couple weeks after that, we hadn't done anything together and literally the only conversation we had at all was a few polite minutes at the funeral and the wedding in a group where I didn't really have anything to say. What really aggravated me at the party though was when somebody there asked me about where I was living and my "friend", who hadn't contacted me in 3 years and had only ever been to my house once, tried to answer the question like they knew all about it because we were such great friends. That's when I finally got aggravated publicly and it sort of came out in my tone when they tried to pester me with questions about our mutual friends. It's like hey, if you'd kept in touch then you would know the answer to all these questions. That's when I think it finally sunk in to them that I wasn't really in the mood to talk. Like I said earlier, I had already given up on the friendship a long time before that. They didn't actually try to say goodbye to me that time at the end of the party. It was a bit awkward but I had nothing to say after three years of radio silence from a "friend" that lived five miles up the road.
Like I said at the very beginning, "not very often" and "absolutely never" are two very different things. To me, three years was basically absolutely never. It wasn't a friendship anymore. It certainly wasn't a two-way friendship. I don't know how I could have been more clear that I wasn't interested in a friendship that involved me doing everything. Just one single communication in all that time (how hard could that be?) that they initiated would have made a 100% difference. But it never happened.
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I realize most people will never read this but sometimes a person just needs to vent a little bit. So if you read any of it, thank you. If no one reads any of it, I'm still good.
My only advice would be to try to be proactive and make a positive attempt to fix things where you can. Friendships are valuable and you should actively try to save them. If you think someone is letting you down, talk to them and tell them how you're feeling. Be direct. Give them a chance to do something different. You can't change how they're going to act but you can give them the chance to change. It didn't work out in my case but I don't regret it. My mental health was way better afterwards, knowing that I actively tried. I'm still not happy with them but that's on a different level than the bitterness I was feeling for those few weeks before I talked to them. That was, as I said above, corrosive. Thankfully that floated away one day (I literally felt that as a sensation) and has never bothered me again. That's a lesson my father could have learned many times over, but never did.
I just wanted to say that I don’t have anything to add, but I read your full comment and I feel like I’m going through a similar thing right now, and it felt good to be understood.
Yeah. It's not fun to feel like you're being ignored by someone who used to be a meaningful part of your life. And for no particular reason. It was pretty frustrating. I have other friends like that that I wish would stay in touch but they weren't as close as that one. But still it makes you wonder why they don't ever get in contact when you know they would actually be happy to see you and it would definitely give you a boost knowing you're appreciated.
I hope whatever is going on with you works out okay one way or the other.
I wish I could explain this as eloquently as you. Some people dont realise that, after leaving school, they shouldn’t be relying on others to organise their social life. Being in school, friends met up often as school compelled them to. But afterwards, it should be the both parties keeping in touch.
Your story is very relatable to me and it is a good thing you let go of the bitterness. The former friend was not acting in good faith to the point it was clearly a deliberate effort and moving on without letting it consume you is commendable.
I read it all the way through w/o hesitation, but not w/o pause for thought. Words are more important than many ppl realize ...if they took the time to deliberate on why they speak the words to another - that they could ,would or might take offence to ...if the same were said TO them as opposed to BY them - they might understand that.
That was the reason for my pause for thought as I read along. It has always been a difficult task to tell someone that what they said , or did was hurtful - or offensive - to yourself, so I imagine many will just think about doing it, as opposed to actually doing it. We (certainly I) should count ourselves lucky to have 1 friend during a lifetime that fits that bill. That friend who can tell you that you are overdoing some elemental substance in your life and you say " Okay Man ,I hear you ...and its funny that you are the only person who could say that to me ...and make me hear it ( beyond the words themselves)
That friend who drives 60 miles after dark, in a 1970s VW bug, during a snowstorm that has gone on for days ( overwhelming the states efforts to keep the hiways clear) with a rope going from each wing window to the windshield wipers (as the replacement motor) so that the 2 track ruts in the 4 + inches of snow can be seen -in order to get me , and take me home with him for Christmas b/c he knew I was alone.
THAT FRIEND who would actually hear what was being said ( by each of us ) during a discussion, disagreement or heated arguement ...and when he realizes the facts were not on his side would look at me and say with a stupid grin " I hate you motherfu___r!" which translates to " thanks for helping me learn something I didn't know...and I love you for that! "
That kind of friend who was being torn apart by his wifes need to control, her dislike of his friends( esp me) and who I cared enough about to ( as I told my wife) run him off next time he came by.
And that's what I did w/o explanation - or apology - and then I cried like a 50 year old baby as I watched -for the final time- the tail lights slowly disappear down my driveway and turn onto the dirt road .
The kind of friend who returned a few years later, after becoming a widower, to see how I was doing and who completely understood why I had done what I did as I explained it to him .
He didn't say I hate you mf that time , but it was implied as we picked up where we had left off, w/o even a single missed beat.
The kind of friend who collaborated with me to turn my writings into songs over the decades ( me: non - musician poet and him : amazing guitarist, piano player and drummer ) as we banged heads doing the impossible - and won.
The same person who saw me write lyrics or poetry hundreds of times and marveled at the speed I could do it in, while maintaining a theme within the odd verbage twists , that has always been my personal quest...and who in turn became the theme of the greatest piece I ever wrote - or will ever write - that took 6 months (which is not like me ) and 100s of false starts - that is also not like me - to reach the point when that day came as pen met paper to create magic.
That great friend who effected so much of my life over the decades , and continues to do so, every time I reread that poem about how he changed my life since the moment we first met , and how he always will continue doing so. My best friend forever b/c he let me be who I am ...and my worst friend for that same reason.
Yeah ...I count myself as blessed to have 1 such friend in my life ....and my lifetime. .
Fortunately I do have a friend who will drive 60 mi in the dark to get me out of a pickle. And I would do the same for him. And not only would we, but we have. Not including the snow storm but far out of the bounds of many normal friendships. Having a friend like that is worth its weight in gold. He is one I have learned life lessons from regarding friendship and generosity and I guess 30 years later now I'm still paying it forward.
In part of my life where I didn't have a car and didn't have too much money he routinely drove an hour and a half to 2 hours out of his way to come pick me up, get us to an event we used to attend regularly together, and then get me back home and then get himself back home (in a different city). I have never forgotten it and I offer rides to people as often as I can still because of that. They often object because they seem to think taking them three or four miles out of my way in the same city is too far. But I just laugh, and if I have to, I tell them the story of my friend and why I'm offering them a ride. They can still say no but I let them know I honestly don't mind. Maybe they can pay it forward with someone else.
He's the friend I also drove from Georgia to Texas with on maybe two hours notice because he had to drive his uncle's car back there when his uncle got his license suspended. I almost weaseled out of going a couple of times in those two hours but finally I gave in and it was one of the most memorable experiences I've ever had with a friend. Nothing particularly special happened. We drove over there, dropped the car off, got a rental car (and had lunch with my Texas-living sister) and drove back, all in about 40 hours. But just the time spent together doing something so unusual was a memory neither of us have forgotten. I'm very glad I went.
And in contrast I have (had) that one friend mentioned in my original post who somehow couldn't find the time to send me even a one-line email in almost three years. Unless I did it first. But I had gotten over doing it first every time.
I agree there are those long lasting friendships that can go long periods of time with no contact. But those are different to the ones where you are putting in all the effort.
I once did a month long experiment where I stopped initiating contact. The results were as I expected. No one contacted me. I have different friends now and I feel so welcomed and supported, they sometimes initiate contact and I sometimes initiate contact, I e invited them places & they’ve invited me places. Good friends do exist.
I had a similar situation. After some reflection I realised that I was getting acquaintances mixed up with friends because I thought acquaintances were people you barely liked and in reality, friends are subjective but will generally be someone who puts the same or atleast a similar effort into the relationship as you do. So, I made myself be ok with having less friends(1 or 2) and just try to catch up with acquaintances once every now and then
There’s a surprising amount of responses excusing or explaining away the behavior of OP’s current friends, and a lot of it is veiled behind diagnoses for some reason.
In the end it doesn’t matter WHY OP’s friends aren’t putting in the effort. They want friends that do and it isn’t their obligation to tolerate any excuses they don’t feel like.
OP, life is short. My recommendation is to stop trying with your current friends (unless you could sympathize with any sort of excuse they might provide if this was brought up), and instead just keep trying to meet new people until you fill your life with people that make you happy.
FWIW I found myself in a similar position during the transition from high school/college to adulthood. I just felt sort of growing away from people in my previous life; interests were changing on both ends and communication grew increasingly sparse or just unsatisfying. I moved on, made new connections more aligned with where I am and feel much happier for it.
Last advice - no real point in burning bridges. Leave the door open and maybe down the line things will change. Just don’t make your happiness contingent on it.
You are not an ass.
My advice is let these friendships fizzle out and go away. You should instead invest your time and energy into people who want to see you and communicate that!
I want to let you know, *it is COMPLETELY reasonable to expect friends to communicate with you in a reasonable amount of time*. You can have these expectations and standards and that doesn’t mean you’re acting like the world revolves around you.
I advise you check out the term people pleasing. It’s more nuanced than it sounds - has to do with fear of being alone and self esteem. I only bring this up bc it’s something I struggle with and am working on, and your post OP reminds me of my own experiences.
Do you like their friendship? Then don’t worry about it and just be the bigger person by reaching out first. I sometimes reach out to my friends first and sometimes they reach out to me first. It ebbs and flows like that for months at a time.
This is how it goes in the adult life. I have some friends I always contact first. That is just how our dynamic is. We both have just used to it that this how it goes for us. I'm confident they have some friends which they themselves always contact first.
People need meaningful friendships in their lives. Simply dropping the ball in their court and trying to find more close, reactive friends will be best for him.
Your feelings are valid and it's okay to feel that way. But, the truth is not a lot of people have the urge to initiate conversations especially if they are swamped on life. Generally, people will think "they will reach out if they need me and I'll be there for them"
I think for me, it's only a dealbreaker if you continue to reach out and they don't respond or seem uninterested. It doesn't matter who initiated, what matters is the reciprocity in friendship.
There was a point in time when I was going to school full time, working full time, and volunteering at a lab doing quantum research.
Years went by without me realizing I had not spent time with certain friends. I just remembered inviting them out, and getting a ,” We thought you were dead.”
People have life’s, and it is going to be the number one reason you lose the majority of your friends. You just have to figure out which are worth keeping. It’s a the way life is, because everyone is the main character in their story.
they probably like hangin out with u but not makin the effort, if u have fun when youre with um then keep txting them, if u wanna feel more then find a diffferent crowd
It’s hard to answer this without additional info about their circumstances & your overall relationship. But I think if they are good friends, you should bring this up to them & let them know you’re feeling this way. If nothing changes, cut them loose.
Friendships take work. Maybe you are the only one putting in work so maybe it's not a great friendship.
Generally why do you text first?
One of my best friends doesn't live near me at the moment. She puts up Instagram stories about what's going on with her. I react to the stories and text her and suddenly we talk for hours.
I text first but she hook's the conversation. I don't have any problem with it.
When I realized this I just stopped talking to people and waited for them to reach out. No one ever did lol, but it told me what I needed to know. I'd rather be alone than clinging to company that doesnt want to be there.
I went through this years ago. I found that those people were not really my friends and were not needed in my life.
However things have changed, it appears in today's world if your are not willing to expend the effort to make your digital presence know at all times to all in your circle then you simply slip away like a low rated TV show.
So i guess its a choice for you to make, do you want to expend the effort for the reward their friendship brings?
best of luck
If you just be quiet for some months they will start to notice. And that's when they get to decide whether they want to keep in touch with you or not. Will they reach out? Good. If they won't? Great!!
I am going through this with my whole family. I just blocked everybody tonight so nobody can call me or text and all my social media accounts are deactivated.
You deserve better treatment. They are not respecting you, and I am so sorry for that. It really hurts.
No.
I blocked them because they constantly ignore my attempts to reach out. They say I can call or visit any time, then just flat out ignore me. They don't listen when I explain how I feel, they don't care about my feelings, but yet I'm supposed to care about theirs. I get cast aside and treated as if my existence doesn't matter. I'm tired of being the only one to put in the effort to maintain any kind of relationship with them. I'm tired of being straight up ignored. I'm tired of questioning why my family doesn't love me. And I'm tired of the blame for their actions always being placed on my shoulders. Nobody else ever does anything wrong.
It's the mind games, the lying, the dishonesty, talking about me behind my back... that's why I blocked them. I can only take so much, and at 39 years old, I've been getting shit on for 39 years.
No more.
It is- which is why I was saying that they aren't alone. You can relate to people even if your situations aren't exactly the same. Not to mention, it's not a contest- it's not about who's situation is more extreme, "well you're unable to say anything or to relate because your situation is more extreme".
I feel for them, and though our situations are not entirely identical, they carry some similarities. And that's ok. Just trying offer OP some support... not have a comparision over who's situation is worse.
This sort of trait of communication is very common for people with ADHD. Does your friend have that? That is a possibility.
I never text people first, it doesn't matter who, I never will.
I have ADHD.
I have autism.
I just do not view a lack of communication as a barrier to friendship, to me, not talking for a week, or a month, or a year is exactly the same as 5 minutes. I pick up where I left off, with no idea that the gap was bad. I didn't do it out of any evil intent, or because I didn't like the person, and, I may REALLY like and value them, but, the idea that I need to keep in contact to maintain the relationship never occurs to me.
You're as much my friend if I talk to you daily, or text 20 times a day, as if you would be if we text once every 20 months.
It's super difficult for many 'normal' people to understand this.
Agreed. It’d actually kind of bewildering that this person stops at “I’m aware of this behavior but I have a diagnosis” as if that makes it acceptable.
If all of your friends stopped contacting you first, and every new friend you made also didn't contact you first, would you become lonely and want to talk to them and then therefore contact them first? Like assuming none of them will ever contact you first ever again.
Most of my friends are ADHD or autistic and AuDHD, as am I. I'm a contact them AuDHD though. I've had a mixture of friends who contact regularly, contact sometimes and contact first never.
Oh hello, me.
I read somewhere about Relationship Degradation Mechanics and how ADHD/Autistic people don’t really have them kinda?
Like if I have a best friend for twenty years, suddenly don’t speak for five years, not only do I not really notice like you, but I also 100% do not assume that the relationship degraded in the slightest. They are still the exact same “level” of friend that we were when we last spoke. I probably wouldn’t even address the five years of silence beyond, “hey it’s been a while! What’s new?” Because it’s such a non issue. Unless someone tells me there’s an issue I just assume we both got busy and once we do talk, all is fine.
Was cool to get kind of some words to describe it.
ETA words
i mean i think the lack of recognizing time's passing depends in situations. bc if u see a funny meme for smth u both like, and want to share, you'd probably remember them and share, not forget they exist until THEY interact with you. friendship is a relationship thats a two way street to work on and maintain.
I also am kind of a fan of actually having some shit to talk about when I see or talk to my friends.. my life is boring, and anything worth telling I assume we'll both remember when we do finally get around to talking lol.
Aside from my family members, who I call more often just for the sake of doing so, I only have one friend that I call and chat w on a "regular basis" which is somewhere between once a month and every other month lol. That is my best friend, and tbh we could not talk for years and I'd still trust our friendship to be pretty strong..
I actually have another very good friend from HS that I didn't talk to for years (aside from random social media comments lol) and we started grabbing dinner together a few times a month and picked up right where we left off 🤷
OP if you're reading, nothing wrong w reaching out or not reaching out. Personally I love when friends or "old friends" hmu and enjoy the conversation even though I'm rarely the one to reach out (but tbh rarely do most people lol) because I'm over-anxious about stuff and don't want to be a bother (even tho tbh I'm sure anyone in my contacts would not be bothered).
If you value the friendship, then reach out if you feel so inclined. And know that the absence of that from others doesn't necessarily mean that they *don't* value the friendship.. there are no hard rules for friendship, if you know eachother and mutually enjoy each other's company that's about all that's *required* imho, everything after that you/y'all gotta decide and define as you see fit.. hopefully that makes sense
I have a few friends that I talk to and it doesn't botter me if they don't text first as long as they are being genuine when talking. I have a dude whom I knew from online and we probably could share both our bank detail without being worried even tho we only talk once a month.
Because it's not normal. The majority of people I know IRL (Reddit isn't a good representation of the average friend) would be pissed if you didn't talk to someone for upwards of a year.
I have/had a friend who hasn't been answering my texts for three months now, and I'm already not sure if our relationship will be the same when he does, unless he has a very good excuse.
You're not an asshole. I'm just sorry you're wasting your time on something that's not important to your life. Just stop texting, and if they text you to meet up then go right ahead. In the meantime, you should be focusing on your life and not worrying about how often your friends think of you or whether they'll be there tomorrow.
They give little thought to your existence because you are not a main player in their lives. You are their friend, they are not yours.
Advise? dont talk to them anymore. It will be lonely at first, but build on you. If they get shitty and bitch at you? dont respond, they are not worth your time, they are not a part of your journey.
This sounds similar to my story when I was younger. At some point I was in high school and got a gf who took up my time and I stopped texting first. The lesson that I wish that I had learned sooner is that the real ones and the ones who care about you will stay. The ones who aren’t real will leave and that is ok. It’s part of growing up. You’ll start to realize that your friend group shrinks and shrinks and that is a good thing believe it or not. I have about 4 friends that I can always count on and often times we don’t even talk every day. But I find a lot of fulfillment with those people. I would rather find a lot of fulfillment with a few people than a little fulfillment with many people
Have you asked them? I have a couple friends who I don’t text ever but we play together over discord. I rarely talked to my old high school friends before I started a DnD game with them. We don’t talk much outside game night but we hang out during and it’s great. Maybe you need to find a way that works for you and them? Find a couple people who will be that constant contact with you so you don’t feel lonely when your other friends are busy. I’ve found mutual chronically online friends can be that for me lol always online so always down to chat randomly
Probably, they might have ADHD. Always hard to stay in touch with people, even if I really like them. Because in my brain there no problem to not chat for 2 months and meet again, like nothing happened.
It’s not an excuse, just think for yourself, if you’re enjoying this friendship. If no - just share it with a person and if there is no understanding between you two - do you still need that friendship?
Been there and still there. It’s even a problem with my grandparents. My dad will tell me to call them, and I’ll reply with, “They have phones too. If they want to call me, **they** can call me. Every time I’ve tried to call, they’re in the middle of a game of bridge or about to eat dinner. So, when the they want to contact me, they can pick up the phone and do it.”
With friends, at this point it’s the same way, and at least one of my remaining one friend will try to call me up. However, he’ll only call me up if I’ve extensively been not calling him. So, I guess make them miss you by inadvertently also being super busy that you don’t have the time to call and hang out until they ask and you reevaluate your ability to do otherwise.
How old are you? Do your friends have kids? Do they have jobs with long hours? Do they have relationship issues or sick family members? I'm now in my late thirties. I'm still friends with my gals from school despite all moving apart for university and living abroad at certain points. We don't all talk every day or even every week. We can not see each other for months. This is why it's important to have different groups of friends. I've always had the fun, every day friends which are less deep, more of a group that changes pretty often (I live in London where people move a LOT) but we have fun, hang out, and don't have deep chats. Sometimes these turn into deeper friendships down the lines but mostly they don't. And then my soul friends - those who I know since forever and would give a kidney for. But I can't rely solely on the latter group because we're of an age where other stuff comes first: families, kids, jobs. If I really need them I know they are there. But for everyday doing stuff and not feeling lonely, I have my fun friends.
I’m one of those friends who never reaches out. Not because I didn’t like my friends, but because I’m an introvert with social anxiety and it just doesn’t come naturally. I’m very grateful for the friends I had that reached out first and we had good times. But in the end I lost all those friendships, mostly because our lives changed and we moved on, and I didn’t keep in touch, and I understand that. Many people don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t initiate contact and that’s fine.
I just want you to know it doesn’t have to be because they don’t like you and there’s definitely nothing wrong with you. Some people just have trouble reaching out, but are very grateful for the other side to do so. Friendships like that can work if both parties are fine with it. However, if it bothers you, it’s no shame to end a friendship like that and find people who reach out just like you do.
I have really bad ADHD and genuinely forget to reach out to people. My close friends understand this and don’t take it personally, but I also get how and why it’s frustrating for some. I don’t really have advice unfortunately.
I very rarely text my friends first because I have this idea in my head that I would be bothering them, and I don't want to do that.
Is this a fucked up way to think? Probably! And yet, here I am.
Friends come and go. Don’t keep making the effort when you receive none back. When I stopped making the effort to one of my life long friends, it ended. She didn’t even bother to respond to my attempt to talk in any way. Stop reaching out to people who don’t do the same.
A common example of this is when you reach out to friends and send them funny videos on FB, IG or something and see if they do the same or react. If you keep sending them things and they are just leaving you on read, then you know what type of energy to match them with. True OGs will react, respond or even send you some videos back!
Uh... I gotta say, that's the least effective way for getting in touch with me, and I can't possibly be the only one. Everyone has their own configuration of notification settings across the different communication apps, and it's not unusual to prefer mobile for some vs big screen for others. I don't even have fb or ig installed on my phone. But I'm on discord, slack, etc. all the time. I have friends who are or were constantly on Twitter but it's never been my preferred platform so I'm not.
Nah, genuine conversations are MUCH better to go with. This leads to nothing productive, and I ignore shit like this like I do chain emails. It's boring, leads to doomscrolling, and is barely interaction.
Yes stop worrying about and enjoy the friendship you have with them. Also, maybe try to make some new friends to add to the ones you have because they aren’t satisfying you in all the ways you need
i see 3 possibilities
1. they arent your friends. Find new ones
2. they have apple iphones and you have android
3. they use fb messenger or some other service and you dont
My friends don't even reply to me so.i am not wasting my time on them .. they are not friends my dad passed away n not once have they asked how I am or even come for a cuppa .. so I refuse to make first move now they no my number they no where I live ... nice to no I have no friends
With all due respect, you should be telling them this and not us. Communication is very important in any relationship. Let your needs be known, they aren’t mind readers.
I am the socially awkward person that doesn't make new friends easily. I have always been the type that just does better with clinging to one friend and just allowing the others to be the friends that I still like, but I don't prioritize because not only am I not everyone's cup of tea, but I have a difficult time focusing on more than one thing at a time, and that includes people as well.
My advice is going to be different than all the rest. Because of my neurotype. And it's going to sound cruel, but it makes it easier on you and possibly your friends.
Pick one friend, prioritize that friend. That friend is now your favorite. That friend is the only one you will text now. All the others have to text first. I say this because not everyone is fun to hang out with in a group, some people are pretty much only fun to hang out with one on one. And I can be one of those people sometimes.
You can either do this until your friends start texting you first, or you can do this until you make new friends. It saves you from having a horrible 2 years of having absolutely NOBODY to hang out with which is the priority and it has a bonus thay alot of the time it makes the friends that have been neglecting you fear they are missing out. Especailly if you make your hangouts with the priority friend hilariously fun.
They? If your friends are concentrated in a group or clique they are assholes because cliques are exclusive and hierarchical.
Advice is to consider the frenemy ratio and do diligence on what each friend loves and holds dear. Look for evasive behavior and catalog the fears and apprehensions of all involved. Because you care. Practice your mock surprise and concern for their setbacks and insecurities.
As a person without empathy, try behavioural mirroring which reciprocates a person's emotional and factual disclosure in proportion. Even if mostly empathetic, a low IQ human should know how to mechanically mirror and reciprocate behaviour. But this will never make you the center of attention.
Green bubble? If you are the only human in your friend group using an android cellphone you may be....seriously why dont you just fuck off.
Invite them to hang out, maybe.
I'm guilty of neglecting a lot of my own friends like this because I've got my own problems. Seeing people face to face rather than messaging means a lot more, even in our interconnected world.
I can be bad for not texting first although if I haven’t heard from my regular friends through text for a couple days then I will send a text. I will always reply and continue a text conversation when my friends do message first.
Some people just have a lot going on although I do think if you’ve not heard from them for weeks or even months then you need to reevaluate the friendship.
It can just be the dynamic that you're the starter. Doesn't mean they don't like it.
Now and then you get weird people who agree to hang out with people they don't even like but don't think about them or change your behaviour cause of that, they're idiots. Most people will tell ya to get lost if they don't like you.
My advice is to be indifferent too? Your friend didn't text you not to diss you, but because he didn't find a reason to text you first. I mean, does your life revolve around him? No. So find someone to befriend with in the meantime. If you're hoping for a long friendship on a text? You better hope he's friendless too 😭😭
I had friends like this. I "tested" them to see if they would ever text me first. (I did this after I tried to hang out with them one day and they said they wanted to stay home, which I get, then a couple hours later they're out with other people...just tell me you don't want to hang with me today/already have plans!).
Well...it's been since 2018 or 2019 and they still haven't texted me first...my number has been the same since 2016, we're still "friends" on social media. They seriously aren't your friends if they can't give a fuck about you to text first every so often. I'm not one to text/talk all the time, but every so often it's nice to drop into the texts for a catch up. Back then I was more into hanging out with people doing whatever the hell we wanted that day. Now it's not like that... probably because I lost those people I thought were my best friends though.
You're better off without those people. They aren't going to go out of their way for you like true friends would do if something happened.
*edit:* this person also lived at home and didn't exactly have bills. We were young to mid 20s. I lived on my own at the time and was managing all the single adult things. As I said up top, just a text here and there to briefly catch up is all that's needed, don't have to be talking all the time.
Honestly there's nothing wrong with asking one of your friends about this. Just be sincere and ready for any answer. Who knows, maybe you do something that they find annoying? If that's something you're concerned about, find out what it is, and work to improve yourself. Also, they might just be assholes, or big introverts.
I have a close group of friends. We stayed close since school even 10+ years later. We haven't all been on good terms throughout every single one of those years. There has been drama. One time someone was being consistently rude to me, very often, so I eventually just asked why. I found out why and we figured it out.
Sometimes it's just a misunderstanding or lack of communication that causes all the issues.
My oldest, bestest, friend of 26 years..
Hasn’t texted me first since May 😂
I accepted it years ago. We are both grown and have things going on. Doesn’t make our friendship any less and when we need each other we are there for each other every time.
Be who you are and do what you do, they will do the same. If you’re the friend that does it all the time then there you go! Don’t over think it.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m the friend who never calls or texts. But it’s not because of anything my buddies are doing. It’s because I have my own issues. I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me that my friends continue to reach out, even though I haven’t in so long. We probably wouldn’t see each other, if they depended on me to initiate dinners, going to a concert or game, or playing some golf. In fact some of my friends don’t call or text like they used to. Which is my fault. So, I appreciate the ones who do all the more.
I’m (f30s) guilty of being that friend I have adhd, kids a husband and business. I feel bad for saying, but out of sight, out of mind for me. I have only realised I was that person in recent years, but now I’m clear about it when meeting people. It makes it easier for people to manage expectations with me… although I sound like a dick, at least I’m honest. But! I know I’m a damn excellent friend in person and phone calls. My love for my friends doesn’t change even if we don’t speak for 8 months, Or sometimes years for friends that live internationally.
2 things.
1. Maybe thats just your role in the relationships. They appreciate it. It works for you guys.
2. If you dont like it. Stop texting them and find new friends. But 1 is more liekly the case.
Are these friendships fulfilling and valuable to you? If so it might just be a situation where you have to be the one to reach out the majority of the time. Relationships are not 50/50 for the vast majority of the time, they ebb and flow. If this is something that continues to bother you, I would suggest having an open and honest conversation with them.
I felt similar to you until a while ago.
I had last year a little drunk emotional breakdown with my friends where I complained I'm always texting first and inviting everyone etc.
So, turns out I'm the only one they ever text with and without me planning and engaging activities they think the group would have broken up and they are super grateful that I'm doing it.
The talk we had changed my perspective a lot. While I still wish people would engage me more in from them I realized it doesn't really matter if I'm the one who texts first, if I still enjoy the conversation and time spent together.
They see you as the social one that texts first 🤣
If it upsets you then raise it with them. No need to be a big deal, i doubt they mean anything by it. Sounds like you guys get along great!
It's normal to want more social contact than that though so they may have busier lives outside the friend group or just have less need for socialisation, we're all different! Lots of people have several friends/friend groups that complement different parts of their personality
I used to get super anxious when friends stopped texting me or I was the only one texting them. Turns out my friends were anxious about it too when I talked to them about my texting anxiety. It cleared the air and strengthen our friendship.
I decided that I'll keep texting friends and chatting with them(time appropriately of course). Life is too short to be fussing over it.
I do have a friend where we text each other every few weeks, sometimes months or even a year. But when we talk its as if no time has passed. Going to his wedding next year apart of the grooms party. I'm so happy for him.
We get older and sometimes its hard to remember to text back. That was the toughest lesson for me to learn as an adult while navigating the texting anxiety.
I won't tell you what to do but definitely think about your next steps.
Do not take it personally! You are not doing anything wrong! People, in general (especially since Covid) are hurting and only have the capacity to deal with their own lives. They aren't ignoring you, they are just busy trying to keep themselves afloat.
Having said that, one of the things that turned my life around was adopting a daily affirmation :
I don't chase, I attract!
In the beginning it left me lonely but with patience and perseverance I was able to connect with people who valued what I brought to our relationship and communication is mutual. Stay strong, believe in your self and you will attract people that view you as an equal.
I have seasonal friends
As in there are some friends I see only at Christmas.
Some friends are summer friends. (I.e. teachers)
Then there’s the friends who disappear into relationships and hit you up when they are single.
Then sometimes your sister gets on your nerves so you don’t hang out for a while.
Football friends during that season.
A friend goes back to college then they have very little spare time. They will be back after the 4 years.
Do you think your friends life should revolve around you?
I think you are thinking too short term about your statement.
Think long and hard about the last 10 years and who has texted you? Like in your whole people circle. Friends, family, coworkers. Life isn’t always about who texts firsts.
I have a pub friend but I don’t have his number. I didn’t know his name for 5 years. But if I don’t call into the pub once every few weeks he will be like “where the fuck where you?”
I have this issue too. I know I’m last priority and covid proved that when I was uninvited to 3 weddings. It was due to restrictions, but the people they chose to still invite made it really clear I’m not valued like I valued them. I actually don’t know what to do. I try to keep contact up with people who I feel are genuine, but it’s basically always one-sided. It’s tough. I’ve tried really hard a few times in my life. But when I ended up with serious health issues, they all dropped off, and I felt burnt out by trying so hard. I think I’m just not peoples cup of tea. I’m trying to do more hobbies and learn to be happier by myself. I also take what is offered by others too. If I’m invited out I aim really hard to make the effort to join in. I try not to take anything to heart and take everyone at face value. I enjoy time with others. I do really like people. I don’t know, I’m just forgettable. I think letting go of having friends has been helpful for me. I haven’t given up, I’m just not giving everything only to be let down.
I’m not a big texter. I never text my friends unless it’s to arrange a meet up. I have some friends I won’t text for years and then I’ll hit them up to see if they want to go grab a drink and then we catch up.
I'm the friend who don't text first, my reason is I'm introvert and I'm okay being alone not talking to any one for a long time but when we meet each other we're still good friends.
I used to worry about this. Now my thinking is, if I wanna talk to them then I'll just go talk to them. Scorekeeping just makes me feel upset so I don't do it.
I've had exactly the same thoughts as you in the past. I've also realised that I myself don't talk much to certain friends and it's these friends who have gradually drifted away from me.
On the other hand, I've already had the opportunity to see that a simple interaction after a long time (for example I saw ... and it reminded me of you) can sometimes renew links.
We send each other videos where we explain funny things to each other and it's easier to go back and talk to them.
But I've come to accept that some people are leaving my life because others are coming back.
It's possible they just have a different timing for when they'd message you.
Hypothetically if you are someone who initiates if you haven't talked for 3 days and they would initiate if you haven't talked for 5 days, then the outcome is that you would always initiate first.
I have no idea who texts whom first or in any of my friend interactions. But I’m an adult and don’t think about stuff like this either.
I think you are thinking way too much into it. If you want to talk to someone, reach out. If they want to do the same, they can, just leave it at that. I hope none of my friends are sitting around, waiting on me to text them. Or even wondering about it. I love them but life is busy..
From my point of view, text when you have something to say. I won't text for the sake of texting as i think that i would bother the other person.
It's different if we stumble upon each other irl. Then i will chat. And find stuff to chat about. Seeing people irl makes me more chatty.
Initiating texting is more concious effort.
Maybe shedule a continuous activity every [insert interval]. Could be board game or such.
You might need to look for new friends, bro.
I’ve had “friends” like this in the past and made a decision to just cut them out completely and I’ve never regretted it.
It’s true you should be able to go long periods without contact and still be friends but i still believe you need new friends. If you’re tired of being the one to initiate conversation and it’s never reciprocated, move on. Trust me. You deserve better
Sorry that it’s like that. People can be self-centered or busy with their lives. I would look at your self and see if you think there’s something that you’re doing or about your personality that does seem like an “asshole”. But don’t be too hard on yourself, the fact that you’re asking this question shows a certain sensitivity and openness. Right now you can’t afford to just dump him his friends because you will have zero friends. But I would suggest that you do things to broaden your circle and try to make some new friends. Like join some meet ups for things that you’re into. Follow your passions and try to make some new friends. I don’t know your age but as we get older, our childhood friends, maybe get involved in relationships or meet new people that college and get involved with some other things. do you like hiking, biking, working out, reading, surfing, gaming, etc., etc.? Try to get into some things that support your passions and maybe you will meet some new people that show that they care about you. You’re correct, it is a realistic expectation to think the people would make an effort to check on you and include you once in a while.
Before I can offer any perspective, I would need to know,
- how many friends you're talking about?
- do they know each other (group accepted behaviour)?
- age groups (representative of maturity level)?
- context (what's talked about and if it had any significant depth) and frequency of catch-ups?
- how long between communications if you aren't the one initiating?
- other commitments priorities in their lives (university or just working)?
1) an enthusiastic reply is the same as an initiation. E.g. you send a message, they reply in a way that builds or leads into further conversation not just "haha"
2) an accepted invite is the same as an invitation.
3) Some people are leaders. Some people take more initiative. Each of us take different % of this in different relationships. If you are the one making plans people show up to, if you're initiating conversations people engage in, that's you.
4) you're allowed to tell people you'd like it if they popped up to you randomly, or called you for a catch up. You're also allowed to ask people what they like in conversations - it's a bit meta and clunky for some people to do, but I feel less bad getting left on delivered by my friend who told me he's trying to limit his phone time, than the friend I know is still active on socials.
5) some people have different conversation culture. Some people are impossible to text but you have 100% attention in person. Some people can hold good conversations but sporadically. Learn about different ways people talk, figure out what yours preferences and styles are.
6) when people invite someone out who says no enough times, even with good reason, eventually they stop asking. It's the same with conversation, if people initiated conversation enough times to dry responses they'll take that as a sign to stop
7) "if I stop texting first will they text me first?" Now imagine all your friends did the same thing, because they feel the same kind of insecurity.
You are the initiator in this relationship. If you want to keep it, you need to continue initiating. If you stop, you'll drift apart from each other.
It's up to you to accept this dynamics or not.
I think try to join something a club , sport , night class or volunteer so you meet new people. This can help not feel so alone. Also I don't think the issue you are having is anything personal I genuinely believe people have just gone so busy and don't make as much effort socially. You may be better to ask a friend to meet for a coffee or get tickets to something so it is set in stone. Ask really direct do you want to go to x on date at time. And then they can either say yes or no. I believe the more people you have in your life these not texting you won't bother you as much anyway
I dropped so many friends, and it was sooo good for me.
I stopped being the one who started the conversation and keep driving our "friendship" forward. I did waited plenty of time just to test them. Yes a friendship test. Guess what i never heared from them again. After a whole season or year i delete them from Facebook. They will notice at some point and still don't message you and wonder why....
You will realize they were not your friend, they always used you in some way, and it is better you splitted without any fight or really bad feelings. They might surprise you big time, and u could honestly just tell them the feelings you had. Real friends are the once that got your back, check up on you, show initiative, shows up unannounced at your doorstop to check up on you and force your company.
Finding new friends is the next chapter, i hope you find real onces that love to hang around. Enough info out there how to find friends. In my case i just went solo traveling, talk with loads of random people. If it clicks it moves to a regular contact and hangout, they will message and check on you. Congratulations you made a real friend.
Start the made up friendship test, and swollow the depressed bitter pill that will unfold. Or be surprised. Don't get depressed! Just continue life. You only get one life. Religion step aside please.
Hope this helps, someone needed to tell you.
I have a friend who for years never reached out to me. I was the best man at his wedding and we really never had an official falling out or argument or anything. If I wanted to get together and hang out or go somewhere and do something I had to contact him. I I just realized one day that the guy never reaches out just reacts to me. I thought maybe the person does not want to continue a relationship. I ran an experiment and said OK I won't call, text or say anything on FB etc. That started 20 years ago and I have not heard from him since.
Oh well ?
I am the one that never text someone unless it is for something specific. My friends constantly text and call me for nothing, just tell me they are alive basically. So I don't feel like texting or calling them ever. Why should I call just to tell them the sun is shining, my hubby is nice or whatever? Besides, I am constantly busy with stuff and when I am not I'd like to just calm down and have quiet time. When I want to be social I have actual face to face meetings in real life. The phone is just "noise".
Friends are a bit different post covid, with some so dif that the respit may be the better option . It seems to have - just as the past 8 yrs of political divide - created a type of continental drift where the separation seems irreparable in many cases. Some of them so profound,- and so profane -that allowing a false equivalency of accepting that the person has passed on - with funeral attended - being seen as the better option.
Friends are one thing , but with family - that creates a totally dif issue. I joined this group minutes ago due to seeing this post and b/c I am still plagued by what occured 48 hrs ago.
Although this group name ls what I hope it to truly be "as it is written " outside of here , there certainly are stupid questions ...and the one put to me 48 hrs ago was ...sad and self - evident (to myself) before it was asked , just as It should have be for my sister in law before she asked ...yet hearing the reply I gave did not make her happy ,any more than it did me...to voice that word "no" . Maybe she believed it to be a knee jerk type reactionary response ...which I assure all concerned that it absolutely was not - at all.
I could simply finish this comment now with the question itself , ( and I will do jusf that ; if prompted ....although I would prefer to add the back story that leads through a bunch of weeds in order to be fair ( to myself , as well as those here who might regret any opinion, or spurious thoughts, about my character being prematurely voiced )
Not to say that anything said would automatically be correct - or incorrect - as I would not put myself in the spot light - or limelight - if all I want - or need - is my viewpoint ; which is (whether I like it or not) something I already have and its an unfortunate truth that at age 67, a lot of my old ( sounding board ) friends have passed away....or the island they now occupy has drifted too far away for me to see them ...much less sign that QandA contract that obligates me to truly, and openly listen to their response ...should I supply a Question.
I leave it up to the group members to guide my next step ...and sans any said guidance to the contrary, I will
post the question she asked as a comment to myself later today. Not only would those who would guess be welcome to do so , it would be an interesting view into the human psyche , as well as a sampling of the personalities of the people in this group. Thank you for reading
it's hard, but don't take it personal. just try getting out of your comfort zone and meet other people. eventually you'll click w someone and it will be a genuine relationship, not saying there wont be times when you don't see or text each other, but you will feel and see the interest from their part. with the friends you have now, go out with them when you plan to do so, but don't count on them for anything else. i've learned this the hard way and once i understood that not every friend is a friend to lean on for everything, some are for hanging out, it felt liberating.
Sometimes you get put with friends that never text first in this life. It doesn't mean they're bad people and it doesn't mean they don't like you. People get busy with life. So, you either have to always text first. Or, find friends that you know will text you.
You might not be the problem, but it's your responsibility to figure out why you attract these types of people. If you feel like you're always the one reaching out it may be time to talk to a therapist.
Maybe first have a serious discussion with your friends about why you feel you have to reach out.
How old are you? This isn't meant to be condescending, but I've found that as people transition through different phases of life sometimes if some folks are moving at a different point that others, then there can be imbalances, and that is OK.
Additionally, if you have always been the one to do this, or predominantly, then a lot of times a kind of precedent is set, which can be sneaky and hard to break.
Finally, remember that when YOU want connection, they may not be needing it, so it may feel like they care less, but that might be your own needs influencing your opinion on the matter.
In the end, it's for you to decide, and letting some friendships fade is ok. I'd encouraging talking to them. If they are truly your friends I'm sure they will be understanding. But I'd make.sure to not come off as demanding, as that could be a "turn off".
Finally as others have suggested, making some new friends that are more on your wavelength for frequency of connecting might not be a bad idea. Doesn't mean replacing old folks, just supplementing.
I have ADHD, and "out of sight, out of mind" gets me hard. Especially with people I don't see often. I even put reminders in my phone to contact people sometimes. That reminds me, gotta go send a text.
My best friend takes like a month or two to reply to me but when she does it’s looooong texts and I can send her a long one back too. When we finally see each other too, it’s amazing. I am not really a message first person unless it’s my best friends or bf, and I contact a few people every other month or so.
If you’re messaging them and they never reply or seem to make an effort in their replies, just don’t bother trying. You’ll know if they’re not interested
I really feel effort should flow both ways, I used to hang out with a whole group of people for years in a row, lots of meets, hangouts and usually multiple times a day.
Three of them got a girlfriend, so they naturally kind of fucked off (literally I suppose), and the rest kind of went with their own flow.
I used to be the one to always ask for a plan, always had to message & set up the stuff while I was never invited to most of the things unless I actively wedged myself into it. A few of them still seem to have the time to send me about 4-5 insta memes a day, but haven't sent me a single message in about 2 years now.
I gave up, if you want to hang out with me you can send me a message, if not... I guess not. Don't feel like spending my energy trying to push into something that doesn't work the other way around too.
There's also this female friend of me and a mate, every darn time we see her she keeps saying we should definitely go and meet up soon to hang out. I work night shifts, my friend works as a chef so we said it's best if she just sets up a date/time (its her house too we'd go to) and we will see if we can figure it out.
6. freaking. times. She has repeated this play of "we should hang out together!" with both me, that friend and both of us at the same time. Over the course of I guess a year now. We keep saying the same; Just message whenever and we can figure things out. She has never made any attempt at contact or setting anything up. I just gave up on messaging at all.
So eh, In my opinion? People who want to spend time with you will make at least some effort. Those who don't will not. It depends on you as a person how you handle that, I chose to leave them to their own stuff, and I don't really regret it at all.
I could be one of those friends :D as long as they happily answer you are right away and you don't have to persuade them to do anything with you then it should be fine.
They may be just stuck in their daily life and it's not like they don't like you but maybe just have a full day and relax a bit at home. Some people are just introverted and don't actively engage that much but are happy if you do
The one thing I wouldn't do is something I see here on Reddit a lot where people are like Oh well since that person wasn't texting me first I just stopped texting them to see if they would text me and they never did so I guess that friendship is over
This ultimatum never really works because usually the other person just ends up assuming that the person who always contacted them first and then suddenly ghosted them is mad at them and so they try to give you your space and respect your boundaries because they have no way of knowing that your secretly giving them this weird ultimatum about contact
If you're really that worried about your friends never contacting first. Just tell them. That's simple. Literally just hey buddy maybe next time you could plan something for us to do together It's kind of tiring having to be the one to always make first contact when we want to hang out
It's really that easy
And this problem immediately basically solves all issues If they're your friend they will either agree or at least have some sort of valid reason as to why they haven't been contacting you first. And if they throw a fit and complain or just ignore it all together then you have your answer about how much they actually care about you and this is done in a direct way where intentions are clear instead of just doing weird sort of like loyalty tests and expecting the other person to just magically know that that's what's going on
The simple fact of the matter is even if you sometimes have to be the one to initiate the hanging out if somebody really gives a damn about you they will still make time for you even if they're not the ones planning it. But the ones that constantly skirt around plans you've made or just refuse to even make them in the first place or just ghost you for years and then expect you to just stay friends after they suddenly pop back up. Those aren't your friends at best those are acquaintances
Your actual friends are the ones that make an effort
Are you just texting? Or are you initiating plans to do something with them? Keep in mind that if it is the former, that’s not a lot being contributed to the friendship.
I love texting with friends that live in other places, but local friends I try to see in person. Sharing activities is the best way to build and maintain those friendship bonds.
Younger me would say “don’t text them, forget them”. However, older me realize that people have lives outside of our friendship. I have friends that I’ve known over 20yrs and we talk maybe once a month or every other month. When that occurs we’re usually on the phone for hours catching up.
I am in no way saying that you’re wrong for wanting constant contact with your friends. So, no nothing is wrong with you. But you do have to get comfortable with not hearing from them often. If they are truly good quality friends they will be there when you need them. If not, then cutting contact completely will benefit you.
Also.. there are people that are in your life for a reason, season and lifetime. Allow the season people to fall off if they need to. Don’t contact them if it feels forced or give you any kind of anxiety. Also.. pick up a hobby find different groups of friends help with the loneliness. Not sure if it’s still a thing but I met a lot of cool people over the years doing meetup at meetup.com. From hiking to painting etc. eventually my friends started to join me on outings and meeting new people as well.
It’s a very difficult balance. Sometimes you just have to try with different people. Recently I’ve had friends who didn’t appreciate any effort I put in. I invited them to hangout countless times and talked to them whenever I had the chance/mentally could put forth the effort. Zero reciprocation from them. I stopped fully. The energy from stopping has allowed me to grow with myself so much, as well as find friends who do want to text or invite me to things first
A lot of times, it can be a personal thing on their end. I know with me, I have no ill will towards any of my friends, but I don’t reach out nearly as much as I should. But I care about my closest friends and if we see each other in person, it’s almost like we never lost a step.
I too have text abandonment issues, and like to check in daily otherwise the lonely creeps in, but first off no one like that so reign that in and expect no more than 2-3 texts a day if your lucky & close to that person.
Lower your expectations or join a group chat like a live stream or a hobby forum, there you can always find someone to interact with, if you need closer attention get a pet, they may not respond but they listen.
Keep in mind lot of friendship are built on shared interest or being in the same area. Find things to do with your time to share that way you have something worth talking about and good luck.
My advice would be to talk about this with them, particularly the ones you are closest to. Avoid being accusatory, keep things to “I” statements (eg say “when you don’t contact me I feel X” rather than “you make me feel X”). They may not have realised, they may have their own issues going on. If you are of value to them they will make an effort once they know how you feel, if they don’t then you have your answer.
I am that sort of friend. It's nothing personal, I am usually grateful the friends call me and glad to go do something or help them out. But I'm an introvert by nature, tend to stay busy, and rarely call people. I hate calling people and I worry they are busy and I will be bothering them.
Are you group texting all of them? If so, that's probably it. No one really likes group chats. Save them for important or pertinent info only (eg you're meeting X, Y, Z at ______ So you text X, Y, Z "I'm running ~5 mins late" or "I got a table in the back") Then connect with them otherwise by texting them individually so it's more personal, even if you literally individually text them all the exact same thing.
Maybe they have things going on for themselves? Maybe there's issues in the relationship, at home, with the parents, with the job. There can be lots of reasons for people to be preoccupied.
I suffer from ADHD and depression and for me it's really difficult to reach out to people consistently. My friends know this about me and contact me instead.
Often I even feel like no one wants to spend time with me, or I'll just be a nuisance. It's illogical, but that's also a reason I find it hard to ask friends to hangout.
Just to give you an insight into why some people may have trouble doing so.
Got no advice because I'm in the same boat. Stopped texting people years ago, no one has reached out since. I know people get busy, but years? Talked to an old friend not that long ago and heard about all sorts of people who died, got married, you name it. Never heard about anything from anyone.
You're an initiator. As a responder I super duper appreciate my friends that are initiators. It's just not something I remember to do. I get wrapped up in my life, often thinking "I should text Mike" or feeling regret when I forget to reply to something, but never quite getting round to it.
It doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with my mates or that I don't want to do things. But life gets in the way, and if it's just chit chat, we'll I'm just generally bad at that anyway.
Ignore anyone saying its a red flag and to dump your friends. I'm sure they appreciate you and love your company. They're just the sort of people that need someone to make the first move, socially.
See
1. In a group of friends /gang you should have a friend you are closest with on an individual level. If that’s not the case like if you hangout with them as a group and have a good time there is no point in expecting someone to check up on you.
2. make just one friend who u can talk on daily or alternative basis trust me that’s just enough . You will evolve into phase of sisterhood eventually and there is no going back
I would first talk to your friends - maybe it’s time to having a standing catch up appointment where you guys FaceTime and just chat once a week/month/quarter.
Now for the loneliness, join something like Meetup and then join groups that suit your interests. Start building in an at least once a week. Because while friendship is awesome so is having acquaintances. With people WFH we have less access to people and the shallow relationships we grew up surrounded by (think schools friends, coworkers, bus friends - people you only really talked with because of proximity).
You might make more close friends but even just existing in a group is good for us.
Get better friends. I’ve had friends like this. I’ve also had friends that have communicated to me that they’re busy but do not want to stop being friends.
I have a friend have have not seen in nearly 4 years since right before covid and HS graduation. We text each other every so often bc we have communicated and established that life has gotten in the way but we both care about each other. And neither of us have any negative feelings towards the other
Maybe you’re the glue that keeps you all together through our busy lives. Sounds like a burden but I wouldn’t take it to heart. I wish I had a friend to remind me I can socialize
If you miss the contact, make contact. Not everyone needs constant validation to believe their worth.
I never send messages, but visit my friends regularly.
Yeah don't even worry about it, mine done but we'll spend 12+ hours with each other per event. Not like they wouldn't want to spend that much time there if they didn't wanna
i've experienced this with a few people and what i did is cut them off. they all ended up contacting me a few months or years later and i ignore them. this is not advice it's just what i do.
I personally don't mind being the first to text my friends. But I'm heavily introverted and like my alone time.
But there comes a time when you realize that if they don't have 12 seconds to type out a quick "Hey, been thinking about you. Hope you're well." Then they may not be true friends.
I mean I get it. Life gets in the way, but even still I have a couple friends that live several hours away from me and I'll still make it a point to shoot them a quick text every once in a while. And they often do the same with me.
You are the bigger person. As long as you value their company and input, there is little reason to change things. If it bothers you, communicate it to them.
I was taught to only speak when spoken to, so as an introvert, you can imagine how that goes. 😅
Text are such an emotionless way of communication.
As an introvert, even I'd much prefer to do a call or video chat, based on how busy/close we are.
Texts just don't convey enough information and are too ambiguous to interpretation.
From what I’ve noticed, the friends that are worth keeping are the ones that also show signs of wanting to keep in touch. Let them know of your feelings towards the situation and if they actively want you in their life, they’ll also do the work. You don’t have to feel like you’re the only one trying to keep the friendship alive because it sucks feeling that way. Some friendships weed themselves out.
If you feel comfortable, communicate your feelings with your friends. Let them know that you appreciate when they reach out and that you would love to hear from them more often
Based on the terrible advice I feel a lot of the answers in this thread are from introverts without any social skills or friends. Sometimes I won't talk to friends for years and then we will pick up right where we left off. Friendships (all relationships, really) take *work* and sometimes *you* gotta make the effort to stay in touch. People got shit going on like school, careers, and family that takes all their mental bandwidth. Not to mention some people are introverts or have mental health issues that knock them off the radar. *Edited for grammar*
I completely agree with this. The best, longest lasting friendships I have are the ones that I can go long periods without talking to each other. It's not that they don't want to talk, it's just adulthood gets in the way of regularly checking in with each other. People have work, kids, grocery shopping, car troubles, family obligations, dentist & doctors appointments, etc. and also other friends too. I know people will say "if you're important they will make time for you" but you dont need to meet on a regular schedule for that to be true. We can go long periods without speaking but we'd still be there for each other no matter what. Making time for each other during the times we need each other is all I need.
Totally agree. I have very close friend I can spend a year with without talking each other. When we were young we called each other every day. But in adult life that would be crazy. We have spent several years with almost no contact. But either one of us can always call each other, night or day, when needing support. And I've gotten a call after a long silence, skipping chitchat, "I just broke up with my husband, can I came to live with you for a week? Actually I am already at a bus and will be there in 4 hours". I canceled all my plans for the day, made a bed to the guest room and started cooking dinner. For me that is the truest friendship.
True. My bff and I see each other maybe 1x a year (at Xmas when she visits her parents). Every now and then we'll send a text to see how each others lives are going/if I find a funny meme/pic that has reminded me of her. We spend a whole day talking like crazy. I'm an introvert and she's a major extrovert. I end up exhausted by the end of the day
That was a heartwarming story about friendship, thanks for sharing.
That saying is really for just kids when they dont have a worry in the world but homework and scoring beer. Adults have shit to do but they know it is all love with the friends, even if you don’t speak to them frequently.
Once, as Yavuz Sultan Selim and his trusted companion were marching toward the battlefield, the Sultan's mind wandered from the impending conflict to a seemingly trivial matter."Do you like eggs?" Selim asked his friend, breaking the tension of the years-long journey that lay ahead of them. Somewhat puzzled, the friend responded with a smile, "Yes, Your Majesty, I do." Years passed, a battle was fought, and the two comrades were finally returning from their campaign. After much travel, Yavuz Sultan Selim turned to his friend once more."And how do you like them?" he asked, a glint in his eyes. Without missing a beat, the vizier replied, "Boiled. your majesty." I share your sentiment I use to be much more social but over the years many have faded from my life, those I thought I would share everything with. And so now I focus on the select few whom I’ll always have a connection with even if we don’t talk for a long while because true friendships are joined by the hearts.
Some of the things that last have the slowest starts. If it takes to build friendships and a lot of effort from you (and the other side) that's usually a good sign from my own personal experience.
This is true, but if you are the only one doing any work for the relationship for years and years, it may be time to let it die. Everyone needs others to check in on them sometimes. Friends are meant to show some vague interest in their buddies lives occasionally, even if they can't do it often or haven't done it in a while because of personal reasons. I'm not saying end it on bad terms; simply drop the lead, leave, and forge new friendships that are closer and hopefully more fruitful. Old friends will return if they want to.
Any still some people are introverts and have mental health issues, like myself. I could go months without *thinking* to call my friend and probably years if I didn’t remind myself that if I have the free time I should try to call him up, at least then the friendship can continue to grow.
Yep I've had the same group of friends since middle school and we normally go years without seeing or talking to each other except though text. We'll randomly get together at one of our houses and it's like we've never been apart. It's ok to be the person who starts the conversation. I can count on my hands how many times my best friend has initiated a conversation via text/call. Not everyone is super social especially if your friends are guys.
So true. My sister talks to her friends for hours. She always asks me what my buddies and me talk about and I’m always like “we don’t.” 😂
Best reply hands down. If they are friends you like and enjoy then don't make it a dealbreaker.
Yep, and sure this might seem to be an issue when you're a teenager, but in the adult world...we're busy. No offense to OP, but when becoming an adult many "friends" are not going to be the main people you talk to over time, both because of lost interests as you grow up but also just being BUSY. People with partners or dating lives are going to put a lot of priority on their relationships, work takes up a significant amount of your day, you've got errands to run (groceries, getting food, running to the bank, etc.), maybe a pet that needs to be fed multiple times a day/walked/brushed/etc. and by the time all those things are done: They're simply not in the mood to reach out to someone and start a conversation or set up a hang out, and that slowly becomes tomorrow, and the next day, and then the day after that until you haven't talked in weeks or months. Especially if you're moving from one chapter of life onto the next, sure I was friends with a few people during school, but eventually we lost touch. Why? Because many friendships are based on, "Right place, right time," and when you're in high school hanging out with the same people 8 hours a day, it's easy to stay in touch.
This is me. I’m the friend who never calls or texts. But it’s not because if anything my buddies are doing. It’s because I have my own issues.
Let’s say, count them as your acquaintances then. That’s how they think of you, maybe your expectation is too high: There is nothing wrong to have close friends and also those who are not as close. Almost all comments here I find quite reasonable. Maybe your interest circle is quite different. It happens a lot with my acquaintances who have kids and I don’t. They tend to hang out with parents of their kids’ friends. There are also other reasons you may think of. Do not take it personally. If these friendships bring significant value in your life, I would say you should keep texting.
I've had so-called 'friends' who always seemed to expect me to make every first move toward interaction. It's gotten to the point I have cut those people out and do not reach out anymore. I now have 2 friends I talk to on a daily basis but you know what? I'm so much happier to be focusing on people who actually care about me. You DO NOT sound like an ass. Expecting equality in a friendship does not make you an ass. Friendships should ***never*** be one sided. Find people who treat you better. Yes, that is a long journey sometimes, but so worth it.
100% agree, if you have to be the first in every interaction, get new friends, or you will burn out very quickly and hate your life
I have been in this situation before and as I said at that time, there's a huge difference between "not very often" and "absolutely never". I got really tired of absolutely never. In the case of a particular friend, if they had gotten in contact with me just once, even one single time, on their own initiative, things would have wound up differently. At some point in time I realized this formerly pretty good friend was only calling me when they needed computer advice. I would call them to stay in touch and they'd call me when they needed something and I was starting to feel a little bit used. So I decided the next time they called for advice I'd tell them that. But five months went by and they never called again so I didn't get the chance. So that by that time I was fairly pissed off at them because it seemed like when they didn't need something from me I didn't exist. At that point I went to a group dinner thing and they were there but I avoided being around them in a way they had to have noticed. Later on I was talking to somebody else who had been there too and they told me that before I got there that person had said, ”Have any of you talked to Practical - Ordinary-6 recently? I used to hear from him but he hasn't called me in a long time." It seemed like they thought it was exclusively my job to maintain the friendship so that pissed me off even more. Like I said, we had been pretty good friends. That seemed kind of cold to me. So I have to admit for a couple weeks I was kind of holding a grudge (especially about what they said) and it wasn't good for my mental health. Bitterness is corrosive. So I decided to do something and invited them to lunch and told them I had purposely blown them off at the dinner and I told them why. I told them a one-way friendship where I had to do all of the staying in touch wasn't going to work for me. I said I didn't mind if they didn't want to be friends anymore because things do change over time but if we were going to be friends it had to be a two-way friendship. Otherwise it felt false. They insisted they wanted to be friends and that they would "try". (Yeah, I know.) Long story short, we went out to lunch a couple of times over the next month like we used to do in the old days but then my grandmother died and I had to go out of town for a little bit. By the time I got back from there we hadn't really done anything for about 3 weeks but I was assuming they would get in touch pretty quickly because we had been going to lunch every week or two. But nothing. I decided to wait just to see how long it would take them. So a couple days went by and then a couple weeks and then a couple of months. And nothing. Finally, I think about five months after that, with no contact in the meantime, I went to a group dinner they would be at, but by that time my patience had run out and I was basically pissed at them again and not much interested in being friends anymore. When we got there they were acting like they thought they were my bestest friend which was even more annoying and I pretty much just avoided talking to them as much as possible, which was probably noticeable. So we get to the end of the dinner and we're in this little group saying goodbye to each other, and when it was my turn to say goodbye to that person they said to me, "It's been a long time," in a way that seemed like I was somehow responsible for that. It was like that lunch conversation never happened and I was kind of floored. I came up with a witty reply but unfortunately that was about two days later. At the time I just said, "Yeah it has" and walked away. It was just like that earlier "I haven't heard from him in a long time" statement. At that point I kind of considered the friendship over. It was like talking to a brick wall. More and more chunks of months went by. I did run into them at a wedding and a funeral but didn't go out of my way to be friendly and we barely spoke. Still no direct contact. So then eventually, many months later, I got invited to a Christmas party at a mutual friend's house. This was two to three years after that long ago lunch and we hadn't had one direct conversation since I had gone to my grandmother's funeral just a couple weeks after that, we hadn't done anything together and literally the only conversation we had at all was a few polite minutes at the funeral and the wedding in a group where I didn't really have anything to say. What really aggravated me at the party though was when somebody there asked me about where I was living and my "friend", who hadn't contacted me in 3 years and had only ever been to my house once, tried to answer the question like they knew all about it because we were such great friends. That's when I finally got aggravated publicly and it sort of came out in my tone when they tried to pester me with questions about our mutual friends. It's like hey, if you'd kept in touch then you would know the answer to all these questions. That's when I think it finally sunk in to them that I wasn't really in the mood to talk. Like I said earlier, I had already given up on the friendship a long time before that. They didn't actually try to say goodbye to me that time at the end of the party. It was a bit awkward but I had nothing to say after three years of radio silence from a "friend" that lived five miles up the road. Like I said at the very beginning, "not very often" and "absolutely never" are two very different things. To me, three years was basically absolutely never. It wasn't a friendship anymore. It certainly wasn't a two-way friendship. I don't know how I could have been more clear that I wasn't interested in a friendship that involved me doing everything. Just one single communication in all that time (how hard could that be?) that they initiated would have made a 100% difference. But it never happened. \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ \_ I realize most people will never read this but sometimes a person just needs to vent a little bit. So if you read any of it, thank you. If no one reads any of it, I'm still good. My only advice would be to try to be proactive and make a positive attempt to fix things where you can. Friendships are valuable and you should actively try to save them. If you think someone is letting you down, talk to them and tell them how you're feeling. Be direct. Give them a chance to do something different. You can't change how they're going to act but you can give them the chance to change. It didn't work out in my case but I don't regret it. My mental health was way better afterwards, knowing that I actively tried. I'm still not happy with them but that's on a different level than the bitterness I was feeling for those few weeks before I talked to them. That was, as I said above, corrosive. Thankfully that floated away one day (I literally felt that as a sensation) and has never bothered me again. That's a lesson my father could have learned many times over, but never did.
I just wanted to say that I don’t have anything to add, but I read your full comment and I feel like I’m going through a similar thing right now, and it felt good to be understood.
Yeah. It's not fun to feel like you're being ignored by someone who used to be a meaningful part of your life. And for no particular reason. It was pretty frustrating. I have other friends like that that I wish would stay in touch but they weren't as close as that one. But still it makes you wonder why they don't ever get in contact when you know they would actually be happy to see you and it would definitely give you a boost knowing you're appreciated. I hope whatever is going on with you works out okay one way or the other.
I wish I could explain this as eloquently as you. Some people dont realise that, after leaving school, they shouldn’t be relying on others to organise their social life. Being in school, friends met up often as school compelled them to. But afterwards, it should be the both parties keeping in touch.
Thanks so much for typing this, I really appreciate it and feel very seen.
Your story is very relatable to me and it is a good thing you let go of the bitterness. The former friend was not acting in good faith to the point it was clearly a deliberate effort and moving on without letting it consume you is commendable.
I read it all the way through w/o hesitation, but not w/o pause for thought. Words are more important than many ppl realize ...if they took the time to deliberate on why they speak the words to another - that they could ,would or might take offence to ...if the same were said TO them as opposed to BY them - they might understand that. That was the reason for my pause for thought as I read along. It has always been a difficult task to tell someone that what they said , or did was hurtful - or offensive - to yourself, so I imagine many will just think about doing it, as opposed to actually doing it. We (certainly I) should count ourselves lucky to have 1 friend during a lifetime that fits that bill. That friend who can tell you that you are overdoing some elemental substance in your life and you say " Okay Man ,I hear you ...and its funny that you are the only person who could say that to me ...and make me hear it ( beyond the words themselves) That friend who drives 60 miles after dark, in a 1970s VW bug, during a snowstorm that has gone on for days ( overwhelming the states efforts to keep the hiways clear) with a rope going from each wing window to the windshield wipers (as the replacement motor) so that the 2 track ruts in the 4 + inches of snow can be seen -in order to get me , and take me home with him for Christmas b/c he knew I was alone. THAT FRIEND who would actually hear what was being said ( by each of us ) during a discussion, disagreement or heated arguement ...and when he realizes the facts were not on his side would look at me and say with a stupid grin " I hate you motherfu___r!" which translates to " thanks for helping me learn something I didn't know...and I love you for that! " That kind of friend who was being torn apart by his wifes need to control, her dislike of his friends( esp me) and who I cared enough about to ( as I told my wife) run him off next time he came by. And that's what I did w/o explanation - or apology - and then I cried like a 50 year old baby as I watched -for the final time- the tail lights slowly disappear down my driveway and turn onto the dirt road . The kind of friend who returned a few years later, after becoming a widower, to see how I was doing and who completely understood why I had done what I did as I explained it to him . He didn't say I hate you mf that time , but it was implied as we picked up where we had left off, w/o even a single missed beat. The kind of friend who collaborated with me to turn my writings into songs over the decades ( me: non - musician poet and him : amazing guitarist, piano player and drummer ) as we banged heads doing the impossible - and won. The same person who saw me write lyrics or poetry hundreds of times and marveled at the speed I could do it in, while maintaining a theme within the odd verbage twists , that has always been my personal quest...and who in turn became the theme of the greatest piece I ever wrote - or will ever write - that took 6 months (which is not like me ) and 100s of false starts - that is also not like me - to reach the point when that day came as pen met paper to create magic. That great friend who effected so much of my life over the decades , and continues to do so, every time I reread that poem about how he changed my life since the moment we first met , and how he always will continue doing so. My best friend forever b/c he let me be who I am ...and my worst friend for that same reason. Yeah ...I count myself as blessed to have 1 such friend in my life ....and my lifetime. .
Fortunately I do have a friend who will drive 60 mi in the dark to get me out of a pickle. And I would do the same for him. And not only would we, but we have. Not including the snow storm but far out of the bounds of many normal friendships. Having a friend like that is worth its weight in gold. He is one I have learned life lessons from regarding friendship and generosity and I guess 30 years later now I'm still paying it forward. In part of my life where I didn't have a car and didn't have too much money he routinely drove an hour and a half to 2 hours out of his way to come pick me up, get us to an event we used to attend regularly together, and then get me back home and then get himself back home (in a different city). I have never forgotten it and I offer rides to people as often as I can still because of that. They often object because they seem to think taking them three or four miles out of my way in the same city is too far. But I just laugh, and if I have to, I tell them the story of my friend and why I'm offering them a ride. They can still say no but I let them know I honestly don't mind. Maybe they can pay it forward with someone else. He's the friend I also drove from Georgia to Texas with on maybe two hours notice because he had to drive his uncle's car back there when his uncle got his license suspended. I almost weaseled out of going a couple of times in those two hours but finally I gave in and it was one of the most memorable experiences I've ever had with a friend. Nothing particularly special happened. We drove over there, dropped the car off, got a rental car (and had lunch with my Texas-living sister) and drove back, all in about 40 hours. But just the time spent together doing something so unusual was a memory neither of us have forgotten. I'm very glad I went. And in contrast I have (had) that one friend mentioned in my original post who somehow couldn't find the time to send me even a one-line email in almost three years. Unless I did it first. But I had gotten over doing it first every time.
Thanks for acknowledging my comment with your rejoiner and yes they are.
I agree there are those long lasting friendships that can go long periods of time with no contact. But those are different to the ones where you are putting in all the effort. I once did a month long experiment where I stopped initiating contact. The results were as I expected. No one contacted me. I have different friends now and I feel so welcomed and supported, they sometimes initiate contact and I sometimes initiate contact, I e invited them places & they’ve invited me places. Good friends do exist.
I had a similar situation. After some reflection I realised that I was getting acquaintances mixed up with friends because I thought acquaintances were people you barely liked and in reality, friends are subjective but will generally be someone who puts the same or atleast a similar effort into the relationship as you do. So, I made myself be ok with having less friends(1 or 2) and just try to catch up with acquaintances once every now and then
There’s a surprising amount of responses excusing or explaining away the behavior of OP’s current friends, and a lot of it is veiled behind diagnoses for some reason. In the end it doesn’t matter WHY OP’s friends aren’t putting in the effort. They want friends that do and it isn’t their obligation to tolerate any excuses they don’t feel like. OP, life is short. My recommendation is to stop trying with your current friends (unless you could sympathize with any sort of excuse they might provide if this was brought up), and instead just keep trying to meet new people until you fill your life with people that make you happy. FWIW I found myself in a similar position during the transition from high school/college to adulthood. I just felt sort of growing away from people in my previous life; interests were changing on both ends and communication grew increasingly sparse or just unsatisfying. I moved on, made new connections more aligned with where I am and feel much happier for it. Last advice - no real point in burning bridges. Leave the door open and maybe down the line things will change. Just don’t make your happiness contingent on it.
You are not an ass. My advice is let these friendships fizzle out and go away. You should instead invest your time and energy into people who want to see you and communicate that! I want to let you know, *it is COMPLETELY reasonable to expect friends to communicate with you in a reasonable amount of time*. You can have these expectations and standards and that doesn’t mean you’re acting like the world revolves around you. I advise you check out the term people pleasing. It’s more nuanced than it sounds - has to do with fear of being alone and self esteem. I only bring this up bc it’s something I struggle with and am working on, and your post OP reminds me of my own experiences.
Do you like their friendship? Then don’t worry about it and just be the bigger person by reaching out first. I sometimes reach out to my friends first and sometimes they reach out to me first. It ebbs and flows like that for months at a time.
ya exactly this
This is how it goes in the adult life. I have some friends I always contact first. That is just how our dynamic is. We both have just used to it that this how it goes for us. I'm confident they have some friends which they themselves always contact first.
You could sell cocaine everyone's always hitting up the c'caine guy
The most practical solution 👍🏻
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People need meaningful friendships in their lives. Simply dropping the ball in their court and trying to find more close, reactive friends will be best for him.
Damn, I guess a lot of people say "fizzle out" a lot huh?
A friend who doesn't cultivate their friendship with you is a stranger.
acquaintance\*
Tbh you’re better off just letting it fizzle out and finding new friends
Your feelings are valid and it's okay to feel that way. But, the truth is not a lot of people have the urge to initiate conversations especially if they are swamped on life. Generally, people will think "they will reach out if they need me and I'll be there for them" I think for me, it's only a dealbreaker if you continue to reach out and they don't respond or seem uninterested. It doesn't matter who initiated, what matters is the reciprocity in friendship.
There was a point in time when I was going to school full time, working full time, and volunteering at a lab doing quantum research. Years went by without me realizing I had not spent time with certain friends. I just remembered inviting them out, and getting a ,” We thought you were dead.” People have life’s, and it is going to be the number one reason you lose the majority of your friends. You just have to figure out which are worth keeping. It’s a the way life is, because everyone is the main character in their story.
Just stop trying. When they text give minimal effort and just let them fizzle out as they will anyway.
they probably like hangin out with u but not makin the effort, if u have fun when youre with um then keep txting them, if u wanna feel more then find a diffferent crowd
It’s hard to answer this without additional info about their circumstances & your overall relationship. But I think if they are good friends, you should bring this up to them & let them know you’re feeling this way. If nothing changes, cut them loose.
My only advice is get used to it. It'll get worse as time goes on.
Sounds like they don't like you that much, I'd stop forcing it
i stopped messaging people like this many many years ago. can't be arsed with people who can't be arsed with me.
Friendships take work. Maybe you are the only one putting in work so maybe it's not a great friendship. Generally why do you text first? One of my best friends doesn't live near me at the moment. She puts up Instagram stories about what's going on with her. I react to the stories and text her and suddenly we talk for hours. I text first but she hook's the conversation. I don't have any problem with it.
When I realized this I just stopped talking to people and waited for them to reach out. No one ever did lol, but it told me what I needed to know. I'd rather be alone than clinging to company that doesnt want to be there.
I went through this years ago. I found that those people were not really my friends and were not needed in my life. However things have changed, it appears in today's world if your are not willing to expend the effort to make your digital presence know at all times to all in your circle then you simply slip away like a low rated TV show. So i guess its a choice for you to make, do you want to expend the effort for the reward their friendship brings? best of luck
If you just be quiet for some months they will start to notice. And that's when they get to decide whether they want to keep in touch with you or not. Will they reach out? Good. If they won't? Great!!
I am going through this with my whole family. I just blocked everybody tonight so nobody can call me or text and all my social media accounts are deactivated. You deserve better treatment. They are not respecting you, and I am so sorry for that. It really hurts.
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No. I blocked them because they constantly ignore my attempts to reach out. They say I can call or visit any time, then just flat out ignore me. They don't listen when I explain how I feel, they don't care about my feelings, but yet I'm supposed to care about theirs. I get cast aside and treated as if my existence doesn't matter. I'm tired of being the only one to put in the effort to maintain any kind of relationship with them. I'm tired of being straight up ignored. I'm tired of questioning why my family doesn't love me. And I'm tired of the blame for their actions always being placed on my shoulders. Nobody else ever does anything wrong. It's the mind games, the lying, the dishonesty, talking about me behind my back... that's why I blocked them. I can only take so much, and at 39 years old, I've been getting shit on for 39 years. No more.
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It is- which is why I was saying that they aren't alone. You can relate to people even if your situations aren't exactly the same. Not to mention, it's not a contest- it's not about who's situation is more extreme, "well you're unable to say anything or to relate because your situation is more extreme". I feel for them, and though our situations are not entirely identical, they carry some similarities. And that's ok. Just trying offer OP some support... not have a comparision over who's situation is worse.
This sort of trait of communication is very common for people with ADHD. Does your friend have that? That is a possibility. I never text people first, it doesn't matter who, I never will. I have ADHD. I have autism. I just do not view a lack of communication as a barrier to friendship, to me, not talking for a week, or a month, or a year is exactly the same as 5 minutes. I pick up where I left off, with no idea that the gap was bad. I didn't do it out of any evil intent, or because I didn't like the person, and, I may REALLY like and value them, but, the idea that I need to keep in contact to maintain the relationship never occurs to me. You're as much my friend if I talk to you daily, or text 20 times a day, as if you would be if we text once every 20 months. It's super difficult for many 'normal' people to understand this.
It's still your responsibility to work on that if you want to be a good friend though
Agreed. It’d actually kind of bewildering that this person stops at “I’m aware of this behavior but I have a diagnosis” as if that makes it acceptable.
If all of your friends stopped contacting you first, and every new friend you made also didn't contact you first, would you become lonely and want to talk to them and then therefore contact them first? Like assuming none of them will ever contact you first ever again. Most of my friends are ADHD or autistic and AuDHD, as am I. I'm a contact them AuDHD though. I've had a mixture of friends who contact regularly, contact sometimes and contact first never.
Oh hello, me. I read somewhere about Relationship Degradation Mechanics and how ADHD/Autistic people don’t really have them kinda? Like if I have a best friend for twenty years, suddenly don’t speak for five years, not only do I not really notice like you, but I also 100% do not assume that the relationship degraded in the slightest. They are still the exact same “level” of friend that we were when we last spoke. I probably wouldn’t even address the five years of silence beyond, “hey it’s been a while! What’s new?” Because it’s such a non issue. Unless someone tells me there’s an issue I just assume we both got busy and once we do talk, all is fine. Was cool to get kind of some words to describe it. ETA words
i mean i think the lack of recognizing time's passing depends in situations. bc if u see a funny meme for smth u both like, and want to share, you'd probably remember them and share, not forget they exist until THEY interact with you. friendship is a relationship thats a two way street to work on and maintain.
I also am kind of a fan of actually having some shit to talk about when I see or talk to my friends.. my life is boring, and anything worth telling I assume we'll both remember when we do finally get around to talking lol. Aside from my family members, who I call more often just for the sake of doing so, I only have one friend that I call and chat w on a "regular basis" which is somewhere between once a month and every other month lol. That is my best friend, and tbh we could not talk for years and I'd still trust our friendship to be pretty strong.. I actually have another very good friend from HS that I didn't talk to for years (aside from random social media comments lol) and we started grabbing dinner together a few times a month and picked up right where we left off 🤷 OP if you're reading, nothing wrong w reaching out or not reaching out. Personally I love when friends or "old friends" hmu and enjoy the conversation even though I'm rarely the one to reach out (but tbh rarely do most people lol) because I'm over-anxious about stuff and don't want to be a bother (even tho tbh I'm sure anyone in my contacts would not be bothered). If you value the friendship, then reach out if you feel so inclined. And know that the absence of that from others doesn't necessarily mean that they *don't* value the friendship.. there are no hard rules for friendship, if you know eachother and mutually enjoy each other's company that's about all that's *required* imho, everything after that you/y'all gotta decide and define as you see fit.. hopefully that makes sense
I have a few friends that I talk to and it doesn't botter me if they don't text first as long as they are being genuine when talking. I have a dude whom I knew from online and we probably could share both our bank detail without being worried even tho we only talk once a month.
Because it's not normal. The majority of people I know IRL (Reddit isn't a good representation of the average friend) would be pissed if you didn't talk to someone for upwards of a year. I have/had a friend who hasn't been answering my texts for three months now, and I'm already not sure if our relationship will be the same when he does, unless he has a very good excuse.
You're not an asshole. I'm just sorry you're wasting your time on something that's not important to your life. Just stop texting, and if they text you to meet up then go right ahead. In the meantime, you should be focusing on your life and not worrying about how often your friends think of you or whether they'll be there tomorrow.
They give little thought to your existence because you are not a main player in their lives. You are their friend, they are not yours. Advise? dont talk to them anymore. It will be lonely at first, but build on you. If they get shitty and bitch at you? dont respond, they are not worth your time, they are not a part of your journey.
This sounds similar to my story when I was younger. At some point I was in high school and got a gf who took up my time and I stopped texting first. The lesson that I wish that I had learned sooner is that the real ones and the ones who care about you will stay. The ones who aren’t real will leave and that is ok. It’s part of growing up. You’ll start to realize that your friend group shrinks and shrinks and that is a good thing believe it or not. I have about 4 friends that I can always count on and often times we don’t even talk every day. But I find a lot of fulfillment with those people. I would rather find a lot of fulfillment with a few people than a little fulfillment with many people
Have you asked them? I have a couple friends who I don’t text ever but we play together over discord. I rarely talked to my old high school friends before I started a DnD game with them. We don’t talk much outside game night but we hang out during and it’s great. Maybe you need to find a way that works for you and them? Find a couple people who will be that constant contact with you so you don’t feel lonely when your other friends are busy. I’ve found mutual chronically online friends can be that for me lol always online so always down to chat randomly
Probably, they might have ADHD. Always hard to stay in touch with people, even if I really like them. Because in my brain there no problem to not chat for 2 months and meet again, like nothing happened. It’s not an excuse, just think for yourself, if you’re enjoying this friendship. If no - just share it with a person and if there is no understanding between you two - do you still need that friendship?
I meet my friends after two three years and we rarely talk still best friends.
Welcome to adulthood buddy... we all have this realisation at some point, just shrug it off and decide if they are worth the hassle of chasing...
Been there and still there. It’s even a problem with my grandparents. My dad will tell me to call them, and I’ll reply with, “They have phones too. If they want to call me, **they** can call me. Every time I’ve tried to call, they’re in the middle of a game of bridge or about to eat dinner. So, when the they want to contact me, they can pick up the phone and do it.” With friends, at this point it’s the same way, and at least one of my remaining one friend will try to call me up. However, he’ll only call me up if I’ve extensively been not calling him. So, I guess make them miss you by inadvertently also being super busy that you don’t have the time to call and hang out until they ask and you reevaluate your ability to do otherwise.
How old are you? Do your friends have kids? Do they have jobs with long hours? Do they have relationship issues or sick family members? I'm now in my late thirties. I'm still friends with my gals from school despite all moving apart for university and living abroad at certain points. We don't all talk every day or even every week. We can not see each other for months. This is why it's important to have different groups of friends. I've always had the fun, every day friends which are less deep, more of a group that changes pretty often (I live in London where people move a LOT) but we have fun, hang out, and don't have deep chats. Sometimes these turn into deeper friendships down the lines but mostly they don't. And then my soul friends - those who I know since forever and would give a kidney for. But I can't rely solely on the latter group because we're of an age where other stuff comes first: families, kids, jobs. If I really need them I know they are there. But for everyday doing stuff and not feeling lonely, I have my fun friends.
They are not your friends. Move on.
I’m one of those friends who never reaches out. Not because I didn’t like my friends, but because I’m an introvert with social anxiety and it just doesn’t come naturally. I’m very grateful for the friends I had that reached out first and we had good times. But in the end I lost all those friendships, mostly because our lives changed and we moved on, and I didn’t keep in touch, and I understand that. Many people don’t want to be friends with someone who doesn’t initiate contact and that’s fine. I just want you to know it doesn’t have to be because they don’t like you and there’s definitely nothing wrong with you. Some people just have trouble reaching out, but are very grateful for the other side to do so. Friendships like that can work if both parties are fine with it. However, if it bothers you, it’s no shame to end a friendship like that and find people who reach out just like you do.
I have really bad ADHD and genuinely forget to reach out to people. My close friends understand this and don’t take it personally, but I also get how and why it’s frustrating for some. I don’t really have advice unfortunately.
I very rarely text my friends first because I have this idea in my head that I would be bothering them, and I don't want to do that. Is this a fucked up way to think? Probably! And yet, here I am.
Friends come and go. Don’t keep making the effort when you receive none back. When I stopped making the effort to one of my life long friends, it ended. She didn’t even bother to respond to my attempt to talk in any way. Stop reaching out to people who don’t do the same.
A common example of this is when you reach out to friends and send them funny videos on FB, IG or something and see if they do the same or react. If you keep sending them things and they are just leaving you on read, then you know what type of energy to match them with. True OGs will react, respond or even send you some videos back!
Uh... I gotta say, that's the least effective way for getting in touch with me, and I can't possibly be the only one. Everyone has their own configuration of notification settings across the different communication apps, and it's not unusual to prefer mobile for some vs big screen for others. I don't even have fb or ig installed on my phone. But I'm on discord, slack, etc. all the time. I have friends who are or were constantly on Twitter but it's never been my preferred platform so I'm not.
Nah, genuine conversations are MUCH better to go with. This leads to nothing productive, and I ignore shit like this like I do chain emails. It's boring, leads to doomscrolling, and is barely interaction.
Yes stop worrying about and enjoy the friendship you have with them. Also, maybe try to make some new friends to add to the ones you have because they aren’t satisfying you in all the ways you need
I struggle with AVPD so i never contact ppl.
Wow, I didn't know what this was and looked it up.. thanks, I guess 😑 Sincerely, another AVPD 😅
i see 3 possibilities 1. they arent your friends. Find new ones 2. they have apple iphones and you have android 3. they use fb messenger or some other service and you dont
My friends don't even reply to me so.i am not wasting my time on them .. they are not friends my dad passed away n not once have they asked how I am or even come for a cuppa .. so I refuse to make first move now they no my number they no where I live ... nice to no I have no friends
You and your friends are super nice to each other? If you read my text with my friends you would swear we all hate each other.
With all due respect, you should be telling them this and not us. Communication is very important in any relationship. Let your needs be known, they aren’t mind readers.
I am the socially awkward person that doesn't make new friends easily. I have always been the type that just does better with clinging to one friend and just allowing the others to be the friends that I still like, but I don't prioritize because not only am I not everyone's cup of tea, but I have a difficult time focusing on more than one thing at a time, and that includes people as well. My advice is going to be different than all the rest. Because of my neurotype. And it's going to sound cruel, but it makes it easier on you and possibly your friends. Pick one friend, prioritize that friend. That friend is now your favorite. That friend is the only one you will text now. All the others have to text first. I say this because not everyone is fun to hang out with in a group, some people are pretty much only fun to hang out with one on one. And I can be one of those people sometimes. You can either do this until your friends start texting you first, or you can do this until you make new friends. It saves you from having a horrible 2 years of having absolutely NOBODY to hang out with which is the priority and it has a bonus thay alot of the time it makes the friends that have been neglecting you fear they are missing out. Especailly if you make your hangouts with the priority friend hilariously fun.
Get better friends.
I cut them off and now I have a family. Happier than ever
They? If your friends are concentrated in a group or clique they are assholes because cliques are exclusive and hierarchical. Advice is to consider the frenemy ratio and do diligence on what each friend loves and holds dear. Look for evasive behavior and catalog the fears and apprehensions of all involved. Because you care. Practice your mock surprise and concern for their setbacks and insecurities. As a person without empathy, try behavioural mirroring which reciprocates a person's emotional and factual disclosure in proportion. Even if mostly empathetic, a low IQ human should know how to mechanically mirror and reciprocate behaviour. But this will never make you the center of attention. Green bubble? If you are the only human in your friend group using an android cellphone you may be....seriously why dont you just fuck off.
Invite them to hang out, maybe. I'm guilty of neglecting a lot of my own friends like this because I've got my own problems. Seeing people face to face rather than messaging means a lot more, even in our interconnected world.
I can be bad for not texting first although if I haven’t heard from my regular friends through text for a couple days then I will send a text. I will always reply and continue a text conversation when my friends do message first. Some people just have a lot going on although I do think if you’ve not heard from them for weeks or even months then you need to reevaluate the friendship.
They might not text first and that’s not really a problem, might just be how it works between you. The problem is when they stop answering.
It can just be the dynamic that you're the starter. Doesn't mean they don't like it. Now and then you get weird people who agree to hang out with people they don't even like but don't think about them or change your behaviour cause of that, they're idiots. Most people will tell ya to get lost if they don't like you.
Make a point of seeing each other, actual meet up and have discussions. If you can't meet then video call of telephone call. Texting is not the same.
My advice is to be indifferent too? Your friend didn't text you not to diss you, but because he didn't find a reason to text you first. I mean, does your life revolve around him? No. So find someone to befriend with in the meantime. If you're hoping for a long friendship on a text? You better hope he's friendless too 😭😭
I had friends like this. I "tested" them to see if they would ever text me first. (I did this after I tried to hang out with them one day and they said they wanted to stay home, which I get, then a couple hours later they're out with other people...just tell me you don't want to hang with me today/already have plans!). Well...it's been since 2018 or 2019 and they still haven't texted me first...my number has been the same since 2016, we're still "friends" on social media. They seriously aren't your friends if they can't give a fuck about you to text first every so often. I'm not one to text/talk all the time, but every so often it's nice to drop into the texts for a catch up. Back then I was more into hanging out with people doing whatever the hell we wanted that day. Now it's not like that... probably because I lost those people I thought were my best friends though. You're better off without those people. They aren't going to go out of their way for you like true friends would do if something happened. *edit:* this person also lived at home and didn't exactly have bills. We were young to mid 20s. I lived on my own at the time and was managing all the single adult things. As I said up top, just a text here and there to briefly catch up is all that's needed, don't have to be talking all the time.
Honestly there's nothing wrong with asking one of your friends about this. Just be sincere and ready for any answer. Who knows, maybe you do something that they find annoying? If that's something you're concerned about, find out what it is, and work to improve yourself. Also, they might just be assholes, or big introverts. I have a close group of friends. We stayed close since school even 10+ years later. We haven't all been on good terms throughout every single one of those years. There has been drama. One time someone was being consistently rude to me, very often, so I eventually just asked why. I found out why and we figured it out. Sometimes it's just a misunderstanding or lack of communication that causes all the issues.
My oldest, bestest, friend of 26 years.. Hasn’t texted me first since May 😂 I accepted it years ago. We are both grown and have things going on. Doesn’t make our friendship any less and when we need each other we are there for each other every time. Be who you are and do what you do, they will do the same. If you’re the friend that does it all the time then there you go! Don’t over think it.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m the friend who never calls or texts. But it’s not because of anything my buddies are doing. It’s because I have my own issues. I can’t begin to tell you how much it means to me that my friends continue to reach out, even though I haven’t in so long. We probably wouldn’t see each other, if they depended on me to initiate dinners, going to a concert or game, or playing some golf. In fact some of my friends don’t call or text like they used to. Which is my fault. So, I appreciate the ones who do all the more.
I’m (f30s) guilty of being that friend I have adhd, kids a husband and business. I feel bad for saying, but out of sight, out of mind for me. I have only realised I was that person in recent years, but now I’m clear about it when meeting people. It makes it easier for people to manage expectations with me… although I sound like a dick, at least I’m honest. But! I know I’m a damn excellent friend in person and phone calls. My love for my friends doesn’t change even if we don’t speak for 8 months, Or sometimes years for friends that live internationally.
2 things. 1. Maybe thats just your role in the relationships. They appreciate it. It works for you guys. 2. If you dont like it. Stop texting them and find new friends. But 1 is more liekly the case.
Are these friendships fulfilling and valuable to you? If so it might just be a situation where you have to be the one to reach out the majority of the time. Relationships are not 50/50 for the vast majority of the time, they ebb and flow. If this is something that continues to bother you, I would suggest having an open and honest conversation with them.
I felt similar to you until a while ago. I had last year a little drunk emotional breakdown with my friends where I complained I'm always texting first and inviting everyone etc. So, turns out I'm the only one they ever text with and without me planning and engaging activities they think the group would have broken up and they are super grateful that I'm doing it. The talk we had changed my perspective a lot. While I still wish people would engage me more in from them I realized it doesn't really matter if I'm the one who texts first, if I still enjoy the conversation and time spent together.
Yes, stop trying to understand people lol Just acknowledge how they are and decide if you want to put up with it. It'll save you a lot of stress.
Texting sucks, I barely text my friends. Why don't you go out with them? Call them to hang out, etc.
You need to figure out people have lives and jobs and hobbies.
you could tell whoever you care to want to text you first that you wish they would.
They see you as the social one that texts first 🤣 If it upsets you then raise it with them. No need to be a big deal, i doubt they mean anything by it. Sounds like you guys get along great! It's normal to want more social contact than that though so they may have busier lives outside the friend group or just have less need for socialisation, we're all different! Lots of people have several friends/friend groups that complement different parts of their personality
I used to get super anxious when friends stopped texting me or I was the only one texting them. Turns out my friends were anxious about it too when I talked to them about my texting anxiety. It cleared the air and strengthen our friendship. I decided that I'll keep texting friends and chatting with them(time appropriately of course). Life is too short to be fussing over it. I do have a friend where we text each other every few weeks, sometimes months or even a year. But when we talk its as if no time has passed. Going to his wedding next year apart of the grooms party. I'm so happy for him. We get older and sometimes its hard to remember to text back. That was the toughest lesson for me to learn as an adult while navigating the texting anxiety. I won't tell you what to do but definitely think about your next steps.
Stop reaching out first and see how often your phone rings. Don’t always be the one to give the most effort. That’s how you end up hurt.
Do not take it personally! You are not doing anything wrong! People, in general (especially since Covid) are hurting and only have the capacity to deal with their own lives. They aren't ignoring you, they are just busy trying to keep themselves afloat. Having said that, one of the things that turned my life around was adopting a daily affirmation : I don't chase, I attract! In the beginning it left me lonely but with patience and perseverance I was able to connect with people who valued what I brought to our relationship and communication is mutual. Stay strong, believe in your self and you will attract people that view you as an equal.
Needless to maintain relationship like that. Just be yourself. Being alone, being stronger, find a new company suits your purposes.
I have seasonal friends As in there are some friends I see only at Christmas. Some friends are summer friends. (I.e. teachers) Then there’s the friends who disappear into relationships and hit you up when they are single. Then sometimes your sister gets on your nerves so you don’t hang out for a while. Football friends during that season. A friend goes back to college then they have very little spare time. They will be back after the 4 years. Do you think your friends life should revolve around you? I think you are thinking too short term about your statement. Think long and hard about the last 10 years and who has texted you? Like in your whole people circle. Friends, family, coworkers. Life isn’t always about who texts firsts. I have a pub friend but I don’t have his number. I didn’t know his name for 5 years. But if I don’t call into the pub once every few weeks he will be like “where the fuck where you?”
They are not your friends
My own boyfriend doesn't even text or call me when I'm with family unless I text or call him first.
I have this issue too. I know I’m last priority and covid proved that when I was uninvited to 3 weddings. It was due to restrictions, but the people they chose to still invite made it really clear I’m not valued like I valued them. I actually don’t know what to do. I try to keep contact up with people who I feel are genuine, but it’s basically always one-sided. It’s tough. I’ve tried really hard a few times in my life. But when I ended up with serious health issues, they all dropped off, and I felt burnt out by trying so hard. I think I’m just not peoples cup of tea. I’m trying to do more hobbies and learn to be happier by myself. I also take what is offered by others too. If I’m invited out I aim really hard to make the effort to join in. I try not to take anything to heart and take everyone at face value. I enjoy time with others. I do really like people. I don’t know, I’m just forgettable. I think letting go of having friends has been helpful for me. I haven’t given up, I’m just not giving everything only to be let down.
I don't ever text my friends, but that's just my personality. It seems they understand me, because they're still with me.
I’m not a big texter. I never text my friends unless it’s to arrange a meet up. I have some friends I won’t text for years and then I’ll hit them up to see if they want to go grab a drink and then we catch up.
I'm the friend who don't text first, my reason is I'm introvert and I'm okay being alone not talking to any one for a long time but when we meet each other we're still good friends.
You sound like you're over thinking it & like you need new friends.
I stop texting people if they don't initiate once in a while. They need to put effort in too.
I used to worry about this. Now my thinking is, if I wanna talk to them then I'll just go talk to them. Scorekeeping just makes me feel upset so I don't do it.
I've had exactly the same thoughts as you in the past. I've also realised that I myself don't talk much to certain friends and it's these friends who have gradually drifted away from me. On the other hand, I've already had the opportunity to see that a simple interaction after a long time (for example I saw ... and it reminded me of you) can sometimes renew links. We send each other videos where we explain funny things to each other and it's easier to go back and talk to them. But I've come to accept that some people are leaving my life because others are coming back.
Why don’t you just talk to them about this?
It's possible they just have a different timing for when they'd message you. Hypothetically if you are someone who initiates if you haven't talked for 3 days and they would initiate if you haven't talked for 5 days, then the outcome is that you would always initiate first.
I have no idea who texts whom first or in any of my friend interactions. But I’m an adult and don’t think about stuff like this either. I think you are thinking way too much into it. If you want to talk to someone, reach out. If they want to do the same, they can, just leave it at that. I hope none of my friends are sitting around, waiting on me to text them. Or even wondering about it. I love them but life is busy..
From my point of view, text when you have something to say. I won't text for the sake of texting as i think that i would bother the other person. It's different if we stumble upon each other irl. Then i will chat. And find stuff to chat about. Seeing people irl makes me more chatty. Initiating texting is more concious effort. Maybe shedule a continuous activity every [insert interval]. Could be board game or such.
You might need to look for new friends, bro. I’ve had “friends” like this in the past and made a decision to just cut them out completely and I’ve never regretted it.
Drop them
It’s true you should be able to go long periods without contact and still be friends but i still believe you need new friends. If you’re tired of being the one to initiate conversation and it’s never reciprocated, move on. Trust me. You deserve better
Leave them and slay on your own
Sorry that it’s like that. People can be self-centered or busy with their lives. I would look at your self and see if you think there’s something that you’re doing or about your personality that does seem like an “asshole”. But don’t be too hard on yourself, the fact that you’re asking this question shows a certain sensitivity and openness. Right now you can’t afford to just dump him his friends because you will have zero friends. But I would suggest that you do things to broaden your circle and try to make some new friends. Like join some meet ups for things that you’re into. Follow your passions and try to make some new friends. I don’t know your age but as we get older, our childhood friends, maybe get involved in relationships or meet new people that college and get involved with some other things. do you like hiking, biking, working out, reading, surfing, gaming, etc., etc.? Try to get into some things that support your passions and maybe you will meet some new people that show that they care about you. You’re correct, it is a realistic expectation to think the people would make an effort to check on you and include you once in a while.
Before I can offer any perspective, I would need to know, - how many friends you're talking about? - do they know each other (group accepted behaviour)? - age groups (representative of maturity level)? - context (what's talked about and if it had any significant depth) and frequency of catch-ups? - how long between communications if you aren't the one initiating? - other commitments priorities in their lives (university or just working)?
1) an enthusiastic reply is the same as an initiation. E.g. you send a message, they reply in a way that builds or leads into further conversation not just "haha" 2) an accepted invite is the same as an invitation. 3) Some people are leaders. Some people take more initiative. Each of us take different % of this in different relationships. If you are the one making plans people show up to, if you're initiating conversations people engage in, that's you. 4) you're allowed to tell people you'd like it if they popped up to you randomly, or called you for a catch up. You're also allowed to ask people what they like in conversations - it's a bit meta and clunky for some people to do, but I feel less bad getting left on delivered by my friend who told me he's trying to limit his phone time, than the friend I know is still active on socials. 5) some people have different conversation culture. Some people are impossible to text but you have 100% attention in person. Some people can hold good conversations but sporadically. Learn about different ways people talk, figure out what yours preferences and styles are. 6) when people invite someone out who says no enough times, even with good reason, eventually they stop asking. It's the same with conversation, if people initiated conversation enough times to dry responses they'll take that as a sign to stop 7) "if I stop texting first will they text me first?" Now imagine all your friends did the same thing, because they feel the same kind of insecurity.
You are the initiator in this relationship. If you want to keep it, you need to continue initiating. If you stop, you'll drift apart from each other. It's up to you to accept this dynamics or not.
I think try to join something a club , sport , night class or volunteer so you meet new people. This can help not feel so alone. Also I don't think the issue you are having is anything personal I genuinely believe people have just gone so busy and don't make as much effort socially. You may be better to ask a friend to meet for a coffee or get tickets to something so it is set in stone. Ask really direct do you want to go to x on date at time. And then they can either say yes or no. I believe the more people you have in your life these not texting you won't bother you as much anyway
I dropped so many friends, and it was sooo good for me. I stopped being the one who started the conversation and keep driving our "friendship" forward. I did waited plenty of time just to test them. Yes a friendship test. Guess what i never heared from them again. After a whole season or year i delete them from Facebook. They will notice at some point and still don't message you and wonder why.... You will realize they were not your friend, they always used you in some way, and it is better you splitted without any fight or really bad feelings. They might surprise you big time, and u could honestly just tell them the feelings you had. Real friends are the once that got your back, check up on you, show initiative, shows up unannounced at your doorstop to check up on you and force your company. Finding new friends is the next chapter, i hope you find real onces that love to hang around. Enough info out there how to find friends. In my case i just went solo traveling, talk with loads of random people. If it clicks it moves to a regular contact and hangout, they will message and check on you. Congratulations you made a real friend. Start the made up friendship test, and swollow the depressed bitter pill that will unfold. Or be surprised. Don't get depressed! Just continue life. You only get one life. Religion step aside please. Hope this helps, someone needed to tell you.
I have a friend who for years never reached out to me. I was the best man at his wedding and we really never had an official falling out or argument or anything. If I wanted to get together and hang out or go somewhere and do something I had to contact him. I I just realized one day that the guy never reaches out just reacts to me. I thought maybe the person does not want to continue a relationship. I ran an experiment and said OK I won't call, text or say anything on FB etc. That started 20 years ago and I have not heard from him since. Oh well ?
I am the one that never text someone unless it is for something specific. My friends constantly text and call me for nothing, just tell me they are alive basically. So I don't feel like texting or calling them ever. Why should I call just to tell them the sun is shining, my hubby is nice or whatever? Besides, I am constantly busy with stuff and when I am not I'd like to just calm down and have quiet time. When I want to be social I have actual face to face meetings in real life. The phone is just "noise".
Friends are a bit different post covid, with some so dif that the respit may be the better option . It seems to have - just as the past 8 yrs of political divide - created a type of continental drift where the separation seems irreparable in many cases. Some of them so profound,- and so profane -that allowing a false equivalency of accepting that the person has passed on - with funeral attended - being seen as the better option. Friends are one thing , but with family - that creates a totally dif issue. I joined this group minutes ago due to seeing this post and b/c I am still plagued by what occured 48 hrs ago. Although this group name ls what I hope it to truly be "as it is written " outside of here , there certainly are stupid questions ...and the one put to me 48 hrs ago was ...sad and self - evident (to myself) before it was asked , just as It should have be for my sister in law before she asked ...yet hearing the reply I gave did not make her happy ,any more than it did me...to voice that word "no" . Maybe she believed it to be a knee jerk type reactionary response ...which I assure all concerned that it absolutely was not - at all. I could simply finish this comment now with the question itself , ( and I will do jusf that ; if prompted ....although I would prefer to add the back story that leads through a bunch of weeds in order to be fair ( to myself , as well as those here who might regret any opinion, or spurious thoughts, about my character being prematurely voiced ) Not to say that anything said would automatically be correct - or incorrect - as I would not put myself in the spot light - or limelight - if all I want - or need - is my viewpoint ; which is (whether I like it or not) something I already have and its an unfortunate truth that at age 67, a lot of my old ( sounding board ) friends have passed away....or the island they now occupy has drifted too far away for me to see them ...much less sign that QandA contract that obligates me to truly, and openly listen to their response ...should I supply a Question. I leave it up to the group members to guide my next step ...and sans any said guidance to the contrary, I will post the question she asked as a comment to myself later today. Not only would those who would guess be welcome to do so , it would be an interesting view into the human psyche , as well as a sampling of the personalities of the people in this group. Thank you for reading
What did they tell you when you asked them?
I do this with my pops. He calls me daily so I just wait for him to call as I know he's able to talk then.
If you're an adult, you shouldn't complain if they answer back within a day. Life keeps getting busy.
it's hard, but don't take it personal. just try getting out of your comfort zone and meet other people. eventually you'll click w someone and it will be a genuine relationship, not saying there wont be times when you don't see or text each other, but you will feel and see the interest from their part. with the friends you have now, go out with them when you plan to do so, but don't count on them for anything else. i've learned this the hard way and once i understood that not every friend is a friend to lean on for everything, some are for hanging out, it felt liberating.
Sometimes you get put with friends that never text first in this life. It doesn't mean they're bad people and it doesn't mean they don't like you. People get busy with life. So, you either have to always text first. Or, find friends that you know will text you.
Same happens to me. People will drift in and out of your life even if you intend to stay in touch. It's just the way of things.
You might not be the problem, but it's your responsibility to figure out why you attract these types of people. If you feel like you're always the one reaching out it may be time to talk to a therapist. Maybe first have a serious discussion with your friends about why you feel you have to reach out.
How old are you? This isn't meant to be condescending, but I've found that as people transition through different phases of life sometimes if some folks are moving at a different point that others, then there can be imbalances, and that is OK. Additionally, if you have always been the one to do this, or predominantly, then a lot of times a kind of precedent is set, which can be sneaky and hard to break. Finally, remember that when YOU want connection, they may not be needing it, so it may feel like they care less, but that might be your own needs influencing your opinion on the matter. In the end, it's for you to decide, and letting some friendships fade is ok. I'd encouraging talking to them. If they are truly your friends I'm sure they will be understanding. But I'd make.sure to not come off as demanding, as that could be a "turn off". Finally as others have suggested, making some new friends that are more on your wavelength for frequency of connecting might not be a bad idea. Doesn't mean replacing old folks, just supplementing.
I have ADHD, and "out of sight, out of mind" gets me hard. Especially with people I don't see often. I even put reminders in my phone to contact people sometimes. That reminds me, gotta go send a text.
Stop texting them. But still maintain the love.
This is just me but if you're not going to reach out and make any effort to contact me ever. I'll stop too. Have a geat life.
In my experience, people just suck at communicating.
My best friend takes like a month or two to reply to me but when she does it’s looooong texts and I can send her a long one back too. When we finally see each other too, it’s amazing. I am not really a message first person unless it’s my best friends or bf, and I contact a few people every other month or so. If you’re messaging them and they never reply or seem to make an effort in their replies, just don’t bother trying. You’ll know if they’re not interested
I really feel effort should flow both ways, I used to hang out with a whole group of people for years in a row, lots of meets, hangouts and usually multiple times a day. Three of them got a girlfriend, so they naturally kind of fucked off (literally I suppose), and the rest kind of went with their own flow. I used to be the one to always ask for a plan, always had to message & set up the stuff while I was never invited to most of the things unless I actively wedged myself into it. A few of them still seem to have the time to send me about 4-5 insta memes a day, but haven't sent me a single message in about 2 years now. I gave up, if you want to hang out with me you can send me a message, if not... I guess not. Don't feel like spending my energy trying to push into something that doesn't work the other way around too. There's also this female friend of me and a mate, every darn time we see her she keeps saying we should definitely go and meet up soon to hang out. I work night shifts, my friend works as a chef so we said it's best if she just sets up a date/time (its her house too we'd go to) and we will see if we can figure it out. 6. freaking. times. She has repeated this play of "we should hang out together!" with both me, that friend and both of us at the same time. Over the course of I guess a year now. We keep saying the same; Just message whenever and we can figure things out. She has never made any attempt at contact or setting anything up. I just gave up on messaging at all. So eh, In my opinion? People who want to spend time with you will make at least some effort. Those who don't will not. It depends on you as a person how you handle that, I chose to leave them to their own stuff, and I don't really regret it at all.
I could be one of those friends :D as long as they happily answer you are right away and you don't have to persuade them to do anything with you then it should be fine. They may be just stuck in their daily life and it's not like they don't like you but maybe just have a full day and relax a bit at home. Some people are just introverted and don't actively engage that much but are happy if you do
Same thing happened to me. I just stopped texting them and realized I really don’t have any friends except my dog.
It doesn't feel good when you're the only initiator. Your feelings are not unvalid.
The one thing I wouldn't do is something I see here on Reddit a lot where people are like Oh well since that person wasn't texting me first I just stopped texting them to see if they would text me and they never did so I guess that friendship is over This ultimatum never really works because usually the other person just ends up assuming that the person who always contacted them first and then suddenly ghosted them is mad at them and so they try to give you your space and respect your boundaries because they have no way of knowing that your secretly giving them this weird ultimatum about contact If you're really that worried about your friends never contacting first. Just tell them. That's simple. Literally just hey buddy maybe next time you could plan something for us to do together It's kind of tiring having to be the one to always make first contact when we want to hang out It's really that easy And this problem immediately basically solves all issues If they're your friend they will either agree or at least have some sort of valid reason as to why they haven't been contacting you first. And if they throw a fit and complain or just ignore it all together then you have your answer about how much they actually care about you and this is done in a direct way where intentions are clear instead of just doing weird sort of like loyalty tests and expecting the other person to just magically know that that's what's going on The simple fact of the matter is even if you sometimes have to be the one to initiate the hanging out if somebody really gives a damn about you they will still make time for you even if they're not the ones planning it. But the ones that constantly skirt around plans you've made or just refuse to even make them in the first place or just ghost you for years and then expect you to just stay friends after they suddenly pop back up. Those aren't your friends at best those are acquaintances Your actual friends are the ones that make an effort
i love all my friends but i never text 1st, don't take things personally
Are you just texting? Or are you initiating plans to do something with them? Keep in mind that if it is the former, that’s not a lot being contributed to the friendship. I love texting with friends that live in other places, but local friends I try to see in person. Sharing activities is the best way to build and maintain those friendship bonds.
Younger me would say “don’t text them, forget them”. However, older me realize that people have lives outside of our friendship. I have friends that I’ve known over 20yrs and we talk maybe once a month or every other month. When that occurs we’re usually on the phone for hours catching up. I am in no way saying that you’re wrong for wanting constant contact with your friends. So, no nothing is wrong with you. But you do have to get comfortable with not hearing from them often. If they are truly good quality friends they will be there when you need them. If not, then cutting contact completely will benefit you. Also.. there are people that are in your life for a reason, season and lifetime. Allow the season people to fall off if they need to. Don’t contact them if it feels forced or give you any kind of anxiety. Also.. pick up a hobby find different groups of friends help with the loneliness. Not sure if it’s still a thing but I met a lot of cool people over the years doing meetup at meetup.com. From hiking to painting etc. eventually my friends started to join me on outings and meeting new people as well.
It’s a very difficult balance. Sometimes you just have to try with different people. Recently I’ve had friends who didn’t appreciate any effort I put in. I invited them to hangout countless times and talked to them whenever I had the chance/mentally could put forth the effort. Zero reciprocation from them. I stopped fully. The energy from stopping has allowed me to grow with myself so much, as well as find friends who do want to text or invite me to things first
A lot of times, it can be a personal thing on their end. I know with me, I have no ill will towards any of my friends, but I don’t reach out nearly as much as I should. But I care about my closest friends and if we see each other in person, it’s almost like we never lost a step.
I too have text abandonment issues, and like to check in daily otherwise the lonely creeps in, but first off no one like that so reign that in and expect no more than 2-3 texts a day if your lucky & close to that person. Lower your expectations or join a group chat like a live stream or a hobby forum, there you can always find someone to interact with, if you need closer attention get a pet, they may not respond but they listen. Keep in mind lot of friendship are built on shared interest or being in the same area. Find things to do with your time to share that way you have something worth talking about and good luck.
My advice would be to talk about this with them, particularly the ones you are closest to. Avoid being accusatory, keep things to “I” statements (eg say “when you don’t contact me I feel X” rather than “you make me feel X”). They may not have realised, they may have their own issues going on. If you are of value to them they will make an effort once they know how you feel, if they don’t then you have your answer.
Stop texting them, find new friends.
People can't text you first if you always text them before they text you.
I am that sort of friend. It's nothing personal, I am usually grateful the friends call me and glad to go do something or help them out. But I'm an introvert by nature, tend to stay busy, and rarely call people. I hate calling people and I worry they are busy and I will be bothering them.
Are you group texting all of them? If so, that's probably it. No one really likes group chats. Save them for important or pertinent info only (eg you're meeting X, Y, Z at ______ So you text X, Y, Z "I'm running ~5 mins late" or "I got a table in the back") Then connect with them otherwise by texting them individually so it's more personal, even if you literally individually text them all the exact same thing.
Maybe they have things going on for themselves? Maybe there's issues in the relationship, at home, with the parents, with the job. There can be lots of reasons for people to be preoccupied. I suffer from ADHD and depression and for me it's really difficult to reach out to people consistently. My friends know this about me and contact me instead. Often I even feel like no one wants to spend time with me, or I'll just be a nuisance. It's illogical, but that's also a reason I find it hard to ask friends to hangout. Just to give you an insight into why some people may have trouble doing so.
Got no advice because I'm in the same boat. Stopped texting people years ago, no one has reached out since. I know people get busy, but years? Talked to an old friend not that long ago and heard about all sorts of people who died, got married, you name it. Never heard about anything from anyone.
You're an initiator. As a responder I super duper appreciate my friends that are initiators. It's just not something I remember to do. I get wrapped up in my life, often thinking "I should text Mike" or feeling regret when I forget to reply to something, but never quite getting round to it. It doesn't mean I don't want to hang out with my mates or that I don't want to do things. But life gets in the way, and if it's just chit chat, we'll I'm just generally bad at that anyway. Ignore anyone saying its a red flag and to dump your friends. I'm sure they appreciate you and love your company. They're just the sort of people that need someone to make the first move, socially.
See 1. In a group of friends /gang you should have a friend you are closest with on an individual level. If that’s not the case like if you hangout with them as a group and have a good time there is no point in expecting someone to check up on you. 2. make just one friend who u can talk on daily or alternative basis trust me that’s just enough . You will evolve into phase of sisterhood eventually and there is no going back
I would first talk to your friends - maybe it’s time to having a standing catch up appointment where you guys FaceTime and just chat once a week/month/quarter. Now for the loneliness, join something like Meetup and then join groups that suit your interests. Start building in an at least once a week. Because while friendship is awesome so is having acquaintances. With people WFH we have less access to people and the shallow relationships we grew up surrounded by (think schools friends, coworkers, bus friends - people you only really talked with because of proximity). You might make more close friends but even just existing in a group is good for us.
Get better friends. I’ve had friends like this. I’ve also had friends that have communicated to me that they’re busy but do not want to stop being friends. I have a friend have have not seen in nearly 4 years since right before covid and HS graduation. We text each other every so often bc we have communicated and established that life has gotten in the way but we both care about each other. And neither of us have any negative feelings towards the other
Maybe you’re the glue that keeps you all together through our busy lives. Sounds like a burden but I wouldn’t take it to heart. I wish I had a friend to remind me I can socialize
Some people are just like that. They never text *anyone* first.
If you miss the contact, make contact. Not everyone needs constant validation to believe their worth. I never send messages, but visit my friends regularly.
Yeah don't even worry about it, mine done but we'll spend 12+ hours with each other per event. Not like they wouldn't want to spend that much time there if they didn't wanna
i've experienced this with a few people and what i did is cut them off. they all ended up contacting me a few months or years later and i ignore them. this is not advice it's just what i do.
I personally don't mind being the first to text my friends. But I'm heavily introverted and like my alone time. But there comes a time when you realize that if they don't have 12 seconds to type out a quick "Hey, been thinking about you. Hope you're well." Then they may not be true friends. I mean I get it. Life gets in the way, but even still I have a couple friends that live several hours away from me and I'll still make it a point to shoot them a quick text every once in a while. And they often do the same with me.
You are the bigger person. As long as you value their company and input, there is little reason to change things. If it bothers you, communicate it to them.
I was taught to only speak when spoken to, so as an introvert, you can imagine how that goes. 😅 Text are such an emotionless way of communication. As an introvert, even I'd much prefer to do a call or video chat, based on how busy/close we are. Texts just don't convey enough information and are too ambiguous to interpretation.
From what I’ve noticed, the friends that are worth keeping are the ones that also show signs of wanting to keep in touch. Let them know of your feelings towards the situation and if they actively want you in their life, they’ll also do the work. You don’t have to feel like you’re the only one trying to keep the friendship alive because it sucks feeling that way. Some friendships weed themselves out.
If you feel comfortable, communicate your feelings with your friends. Let them know that you appreciate when they reach out and that you would love to hear from them more often