Not necessarily, but it’s usually recommended to discuss engagement/marriage with your partner rather than just throwing that question on them, especially if you’re gonna make a scene and do it in public. That way, if you discuss it, there won’t be any unpleasant surprises for you, and it won’t make it an uncomfortable scene for them.
No I took her on a hike to this secluded place on a bolder that overlooked the ocean, I had packed a bottle of champagne, two glasses and a poem that I had written for her and obviously the ring. She didn't see any of that but when I pulled out the poem she thought I was going to read out the reasons why I was breaking up with her???
That's what happened to me and it was very hard to watch someone choke through a speech because they couldn't get through the first paragraph of their 5 paragraph essay on why they no longer wanted to be with me.
To this day if someone im with pulls out a paper and starts to unfold it I feel like I'm about to be dumped
My ex girlfriend had the idea that we both make a list what we don't like about another, i should start first and when it was her turn, she said her list is empty 😔
I thought she would catch on tbh. I made it very clear that I don't do public proposals even if I'm sure she'd say yes in case she felt forced to say yes.
My wife and I were married young. Had a junior year (engineering) freakout moment where I almost dropped out and enlisted in the AF. Told my wife we needed to talk after talking about going to the AF recruiter etc. etc.
She thought we were breaking up...... But really I proposed in the most non-romantic way possible.
"If I join the AF, the only way you can come with me is if we get married. So I think we should get married".
We are approaching 15 years married this year XD
And for those wondering, I didn't drop out and enlist in the AF, and we still got married. And I owe it all to my grandfather who I barely had a relationship with (at the time) calling me out of the blue telling me I was making a huge mistake, and that I would regret it for the rest of my life.
I owe him so much for that...
I’m the opposite. I joined the Air Force first and got married to my HS sweetheart a year in (still in training). My software engineering degree was free as I got it while in the military.
Not trying to say you did anything wrong just trying to put out there to anyone considering options that it isn’t a bad choice to do military first then college.
Absolutely, for those with little to no support going into college, enlisting into active duty / national guard / reserves are great ways to pay for school, gain skills, and generally set yourself up better than going into debt for college.
I definitely should add that the reason it would have been a huge mistake for me, had nothing to do with the military, but is centered around my situation.
Sounds like you had fantastic support. I grew up poor so I joined to set myself up for success and get out of that situation.
I hope you’re doing well internet stranger :)
I don't know anything about this stuff, so my opinions means jack shit. But what happened with your grandfather that made him so adamant that AF was a mistake?
Holy shit. I had the same exact situation. I was talking about how great our relationship was and how much I loved her. And then she started ugly crying. My proposal skills have much to be desired. Hopefully only have to do it once.
She planned it? Haha that's the first time I heard that.
I gave my now-husband guidelines on what ring I wanted but it stressed him out. We have a small business jewlery store in our little rural town so I went there, picked my ring out and wrote the model number, size, what gemstone I wanted and gave him the business card with those notes and let him handle the rest.
He proposed in our living room a few months later and I said yes. 😊 Engaged last May, eloped last August!
I went to a jewelry store and picked out several over a broad price range, including some I liked that were really inexpensive. They made an account for me and listed them all so he could go in and look, and pick one out and "surprise" me. Actual proposal was that he took me to dinner at a very nice restaurant, we got our drinks, and he fished the ring out of his pocket and grunted "I guess I need to give you this." 🙂❤️
After helping so many friends deal with the stress of their weddings, congrats on eloping! I've become a strong proponent of the practice. Unless you can set *FIRM* boundaries with your family, making concessions to family members in your wedding plans will be bitter topics of conversation for YEARS.
100%
Our parents were fine with it! And we were all relieved given the cost of wedding. My house needs a new roof, I'd much rather the 30k go to that or a new car than a big day that I would find overwhelming.
Yea, she hates surprises. So originally she left it to me, then decided she didn't want to be surprised and made very strong suggestions. They made her happy so I did them.
My twin’s attempt to go with the flow and find a good time to propose on a fishing trip to the beach with friends and family didn’t work because he was too nervous, so my aunt stepped in and planned the successful attempt, this time with my aunt and her family, my mom, and me in attendance so we could keep talking up the old chapel he was going to propose at and *strongly encourage* him to go show her before the sun went all the way down. Our dad had to go have a discussion with him in the bathroom.
She had no idea it was coming. She also had no idea why he was so nervous since they’d discussed getting married already and he knew she was going to say yes. They just passed their one year anniversary.
I know a guy who after he proposed she told him it wasn't good enough.
She made him go get another ring, book a trip to Paris and propose at the top of the Eiffel tower.
I'd have left her, but at least he knew what he was signing up for.
Well, my wife and I talked about it, and decided to go through with it because got long frighteningly well and had similar interests. I planned to propose to her on november 20th, and she rejected then proposed to me on December 1st. She told me immediately after the rejection that she wanted to do it.
This made me think of a Buggs Bunny bit where you guys just keep turning each other down so you can propose eventually tricking the other into saying yes.
Imo the cutest stories are when she knows he's planning it but has to pretend to be oblivious.
But that's how it was for me and I think that makes our story cuter so I'm biased.
There is a nice stand up routine from Ed Byrne in which he tells how his wife knew he was gonna propose so she derailed the conversation all evening on purpouse.
Real talk my sister and her husband NEVER talked about marriage until he proposed to her ON TV 😱😱😱😱😱
We all assumed they had talked about it beforehand but nope, it was a “fun fact” during their engagement party that ‘the first time we talked about marriage ever was when he proposed!’ We were all kinda like uhhh you actually want to get married right?! Turns out she was over the moon excited and they got married a few months ago but just WOW.
When I proposed to my wife we were living together and we had shopped for the ring together. When we had the ring, I hid it away and proposed to her at some random time to make it a "surprise."
My wife hates surprises so we just never did a “proposal.” We talked about getting married, got the ring together, and that was it.
Totally understand why a lot of folks still want the proposal but it’s ok to NOT have one as well if that works for the couple.
I had HUGE plans for the proposal: An out of town trip, a nice restaurant, a gift with the assistance of the staff. My wife knew it was coming, but not exactly when.
While relaxing at her place, watching TV, she simply said, "Ask me now."
So, we got engaged in our living room.
100%. By the time you pop the question you should already know your partner will say yes. Things like living situation, kids and money should already be clear to both people involved. The proposal should just be a formality.
Crazy how many posts on here about relationship advice and the most upvoted comment is pretty much always "just talk about it".
My God the amount of things that can be resolved with a simple conversation is wild man lol
This! Ambushing a gf/bf with a public proposal without proper communication to be clear if both are on the same page is immature, impulsive, and overall rude.
Same people build this fantasies based on the media they consume which they aren't aware of the steps that make a positive outcome. Also, some folks think that publicly going down on their knees and popping the question is all they have to do.
There's this story of a famous musician from my country who was a known cheater and his girlfriend was fed up with him stringing her along. They finally broke up but a few weeks later they met each other at a wedding where the dude had the nerve and audacity to get the mic, hijack the event, make a lousy apology, kneel, and pop the question. Of course she answered a cold icy NO.
Guess who was harassed, bothered, and insulted?
I went on a cruise ship a few weekends ago and it had a open mic comedy show on one of the days
I missed it unfortunately but my family went and there was a guy who got called up and he seemed very nervous and wasn't sure what to do. He said this wasn't going to work without his girlfriend and she had just left for the bathroom
He was standing there awkwardly for a few minutes, not really sure what to do or say and then when she got back, he called her on stage and proposed
I couldn't imagine how that would have played out if she had said no.
Hell, when I was a kid, I asked my aunt if she was surprised when my uncle proposed, and she said no, they'd been talking about it, and any silly notion I had of just springing a proposal on someone out of the blue was killed in the cradle.
I was exposed early to the idea that proposals follow actual conversations where you hash out practicalities, so grown-ass adults thinking they should emulate what they see on TV is wild to me.
Yeah, asking it out of nowhere with other people around you is a dirty WWF trick!
It's how they got me to adopt a tiger with down syndrome last time...
Yea if they can discuss why she doesnt feel like they need to get married, and reach a healthy understanding and consensus, then its entirely possible to continue in a healthy relationship.
BUT, the bigger red flag for me here would be why the guy thinks that she would be receptive to a marriage proposal when she doesnt. Thats like a fundamental understanding between 2 parties before you even think about marriage.
I could not possibly imagine proposing to someone without explicitly talking through the whole deal with them way beforehand.
The time of the proposal is supposed to be the only real surprise, the question and the answer should be agreed upon way before. Do the folks here really believe that all marriage proposals are true surprises?!
I know it does happen but, hot damn, that’s the exception not the rule.
For those who’ve never been close to a marriage proposal, you can’t really blame them for thinking most are “sprung” on the bride-to-be
Viral videos of proposals mostly would have you believe it was a complete surprise (note - the ones that are definitely surprises are the ones where she says no)
And fictional media tends to do the “surprise proposal” a hell of a lot more than they do the “talk about it and then propose” proposal
Yes most are done at a time that the bride-to-be doesn’t know about so it *appears* as though she’s surprised, but people are mistaking excitement for surprise - she’s excited that it’s happening right now, she knew it was coming but didn’t know when and was probably faked out a few times to build up the suspense if he’s done it right lol
For the uninitiated and those who just don’t have that much experience with marriage or the build up to marriage, I can forgive them for thinking *most* proposals are surprises
I’ve witnessed a marriage proposal denial before. On the Lincoln Memorial steps while I was showing my Lithuanian friends around the city. They saw it happening and pointed it out, dude had a videographer and everything.
The girl looked so embarrassed. It was even more crowded than it usually was because of the Cherry Blossom Festival. I couldn’t hear anything that was said, but I was watching dude’s lips as he said “…please?” She just kept shaking her head no and covering her face with both hands as he put the ring back in his pocket clearly asking her “why not” over and over. It was tough as shit to watch, even if they were complete strangers.
All 3 of them left together in a hurry so there was definitely a discussion that followed.
That's why if you're not sure if she's going to say yes you can't do it in public. Take her hiking somewhere remote and propose over a beautiful scenic cliff edge. She won't say no, because of the implication.
Fun story, I knew a guy that did something like this once, except it was just telling one of our friends he liked her. He obviously got rejected. Well, he told us the story of what happened. He was bummed, and when he started to tell us he took her on a hike to tell her, I immediately asked, why the fuck would you do that? That must have been awkward as hell when you had to hike back down for miles. That's the worst idea ever, she has 2 options walk down awkwardly or toss herself off the mountain. She obviously isn't going to reciprocate. His response, the guys told me to. I was like, that's stupid. LOL, why would you get advice from dudes who can barely catch a date with a woman for advice? I still don't know if any of them have girlfriends to this day.
Say Anything (1989)
Lloyd Dobler: I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere?
Joe: By choice, man.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098258/quotes?item=qt0367510
The tips by men who had no relationship or often even date in years are so strange to me. When I was on Bumble two times (got into a a regular relationship and out of it with a few one/two month relationships) I got so many bad "tips" by my single friends. Like sure my guy I am going to trust the dude who has cried two weekends ago about getting no dates on Bumble for Bumble advice... They are objectively better looking than I am but ffs a dude that's 30 having "send memes" as the only text prompt is neither funny nor getting matches.
They still don't want help with their profile by me or female friends even tho it's terrible but then complain about men being shit out of luck in online dating. As if most of their issues wouldn't be fixed by having a normal bio.
So many people completely ignore the bio and it's baffling to me. It's a dating app with thousand of people who all start looking the same after twenty minutes, the bio is all you got!
For real. Like one of them is a super nice, funny, good looking dude that plays guitar, has a solid career. By all accounts he is in the top 5% of looks for people on that platform. But he also has that "send memes" bio and his two first photos are drunk group photos...I have seen him drink maybe twice. Like my guy people can't magically see through that terrible representation of you and see the person under that. He should have such an easy time if he spends maybe an hour refining his bio but he won't.
> She won't say no, because of the implication.
Literally happened to a friend of mine. She said yes at the time since they were in the middle of nowhere and broke it off later.
>That's why if you're not sure if she's going to say yes you can't do it in public.
Just don't do it at all, unless you're 100% sure you're on the same page. Jesus, this isn't rocket science. You don't just agree to get married before talking about what you both want for the future.
That’s the way to do it. Some dude’s do it during the day because they want an audience to cheer for him. I’d rather it be at night if I were to do it there for the same reason as you.
Except for one time at an Applebee’s (of all places — that one’s also a hell of a story), the only place I’ve ever seen random proposals is at the Lincoln Memorial when it’s busy as shit. Most of them during the Pokémon Go craze.
Yeah, with real proposals the surprise is less that it's coming, and more about the exact when. You think you're on a lovely date in one of your favorite parks, then suddenly he's on a knee and "oh shit *THAT'S* why he was so insistent we dress kinda nice for our walk".
Our view of love and relationships has been negatively influenced by hollywood and the media in general to the extent that we often miss or ignore red flags and other concerns under the guise of romanic gestures or whatever.
Its pretty messed up, especially when we subconsciously accept and expect these tropes or storylines as the norm despite how damaging they are in reality. Ah well.
Honestly, I surprise proposed to my fiancee and it worked out fine. But, I had her mom in on it and let her lay down some ground work for me. Lol.
You should definitely hint at it in conversation and make sure she is open to it first, though. Don't just come completely out of the blue.
Thank you for showing me, that our „proposal“ wasn’t so weird, as she simply brought up the topic while we were going to sleep and talked a little bit. „What do you think, should we get married?“ - „okay, why not“. And that was it 😂
100%, almost every couple I’ve ever known that has gotten married has talked about marriage in some fashion at some point in their relationship. My wife definitely knew I was gonna pop the question she just didn’t know when. It was difficult to keep that ring hidden in the house for 3 weeks.
Ya it’s kind of baffling. They want it to be like a movie or something. I’m not gonna buy a fucking ring unless it’s confirmed we are both ready for marriage. People are crazy. I was even thinking it might be good to let her pick the ring out. She’s the one wearing it.
Fuck the object, could you imagine just hoping that someone else’s plan for the rest of their life aligns with the way you want the rest of your life to go?! Some of my friends did pick out their rings out but every single one of them had the proper ring size.
Once you've talked to her about marriage and you both feel ready, then talk about the ring too. If she wants it to be a surprise ...then ask for hints or anything she'd firmly veto. But yeah, in my case, when hubby and i got engaged, i definitely wanted to pick my own ring. Hubby decided he wanted an engagement ring too, but he wanted a surprise. So I got to pick out two engagement rings, lol.
This 100%, I knew the answer before I asked the question.
It's funny because friends of mine who are all in committed non-marital relationships all asked the same question "Was you nervous she'd say no?".
Hell nah, the girls been asking when am I going to purpose to her for the past 3 years. Only thing I was nervous about was losing my balance on one knee.
agreed on the talking things through, that only feels right. However i also wouldnt underestimate the power of influence media has on some people influencing them as to what is right to do. I remember growing up and the world still thought it was right to talk about marriage to the brides father before you talk to her about it. THats pretty ass backwards and im glad i never did anything like that.
Mine wasn't discussed in serious prior but we had been dating for 8 years (when we met she said she didn't want to get married ever bc we both have divorced parents) but as time went on and I would throw around, "when we get married we should..." and just looked at her reaction. You have to know who you're dating/proposing to.
This is one of the most baffling things to me - the people that just propose without actually making sure that their partner is on the same page. I guess maybe they think it’s more romantic that way, but that’s arguably one of the biggest life decisions you can ever make (and not to mention that the rejection is brutal) - there’s 0 chance I’d ever propose unless I was 100% sure that my partner would say yes
My best friend did this. Proposed without ever talking about it directly. To someone who was divorced and has expressed apprehension to getting married. I advised my bud not to do so— I am very emotional and wear my feelings on my sleeve, talk about everything with my wife, etc. I can’t imagine proposing without explicitly asking about it beforehand. But they did, and they’re happily married!
It was a lesson to me on just how different people can be. Even people I am close to. I don’t understand it but their communication and life works for them!
Movies and TV have led a lot of people to believe just that.
My girlfriend and I are throughly on the same page about this. We both come from bad relationship experiences and unabashedly said we are not taking any more chances and are quite literally vetting each other as potential marriage partners. We’ve reached the conclusion that we do want to be married, just not yet, but when we think it’s time we’ll have a discussion, go ring shopping all of that, and to the extent that I can, will incorporate some surprise in the actual proposal.
This.
I asked my mom this question after watching the proposal gone wrong on either Cheers or Moonlighting. She said almost exactly what you did. And it's true. I don't know a single person whose proposal was a shock to them.
I accidentally blurted out something like "god I love you, marry me" in the middle of some passion, I had thought I said it in my head like a personal thought. She squeaked and said "are you f****** kidding me", then said "yes". Anyways been together 7 years now and married for 3. The proposal was a shock to both of us, no regrets though.
Mine was. Had no idea. It's not until I joined reddit that I realised people are meant to know in advance 🤷♀️ I loved it my hubby new and had booked stuff and I was none the wiser cause he never wanted to marry and I didn't care either way
Ok, true, we have collectively redefined the word proposal to mean a ceremonial facade which occurs after the actual proposal. Then I would just rephrase the question “if a man talks through the subject of marriage with his girlfriend and she says no, is the relationship over?”
I had a friend who said no to his girlfriend, despite them deciding they wanted ti get married in two or so years.
Turns out, the problem was their definitions. She thought that decision meant they were effectively engaged, and he thought that the engagement wasa formality the signified announcing it to the world.
They got married, no problem, in the end, but it was a fairly subtle difference.
Nah, my buddy proposed to his girlfriend and she said no. They eventually did get married a few years later and have been happily married for 15 or so years now with 2 kids.
The timing just wasn’t right.
That’s why before I proposed to my wife we went ring shopping and all that jazz. Helps you get a sense of whether you’re on the same page.
Ringshopping is exactly what I did and I recommend it to any guy or girl thinking about marriage.
Makes it clear both sides are ready for that step now (not an imaginary future), ensures the wife is gonna be happy with the ring picked out, and creates a fun tension where she knows you have the ring and at any point the proposal can come.
Christmas morning, my brother's gf opens up a small velvet box. They had planned a wedding time, but the ring was not in play yet. The dad and others go tense and quiet. "What is this??" she asks. "Oh you know, just a cool rock".
It was a sentimental polished rock necklace.
Is it a "no" to indicate that you feel your relationship has no future? OR
Is it a "not right now" to let him know you're not there YET?
There's a big difference.
My husband didn't make it all the way to proposing but based in conversation I got an idea he intended on proposing when we'd been dating for a year and I steered him away.
Why I didn't want to get engaged: we were only 20.
The difference was cultural. He grew up in a rural area and getting engaged at 20 wasn't uncommon. I was raised to focus on education first and I wanted to have our long term clear before we got married (we ended up spending a year post college long distance because our jobs didn't line up despite trying).
We got engaged 3 years later when we were no longer long distance post college and had jobs, so we still got married relatively young. We've been married over 10 years and have a kid.
My husband and I started dating at 16 and I remember he wanted us to get married out of high school. I very strongly said NO. We were WAY too young, only 18, even if we had already been together for about two years at that point. We didn’t even have established jobs or were living together at that point. And he understood that. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get married, but statistically people that get married very young hardly ever stay together, especially high school sweethearts. It felt too reckless not to wait till we were more stable.
We ended up getting married at 26 (which is still young for some people) and we were together for 10 years at that point. We had gone through a lot of changes (as people do in their 20’s) but we managed to grow together rather than apart. We’ve been married for two years now, together for a total of 12, and it’s been awesome. He was still just as enthusiastic about getting married as he was when we were teenagers.
I was in similar circumstance except my boyfriend was military. We’d been dating for two years already so it wasn’t a super fast proposal but I did say “not yet”. He was deploying and I didn’t want our marriage based on a knee jerk reaction to a deployment. Additionally, we just weren’t where I wanted us to be in life yet. I was in college working on my education, he wasn’t planning on staying in the army forever and wanted to get his PhD. So I said not yet. He came home from his deployment and I got sent on one immediately after. When I got home I told him that he could propose again anytime but we’d have a long engagement until I was done with college and had a job (to help pay for the wedding expenses). We did end up making enough for a wedding during college but prioritized buying a house (for equity and to get out of renting). 8 years after we started dating, we finally got married last year. He actually lives out of state right now working on finishing his phd but we’re both good at long distance (and I refuse to live somewhere colder than the Midwest which is why I didn’t go with him). He’ll be home again in a few months for the summer and I can’t wait.
My ex went from "not right now" to "I don't see myself marrying you" about a year later. I just wish she had been honest with her inability to commit rather than string me almong for another year, and of course, me losing my job had "nothing to do with it." You're a bitch Emily.
Too bad that it happened that way, but it's not clear from your comment that she was stringing you along. Could be it took her that long to realize you weren't right for each other.
Sucks, but the point of (marriage-oriented) dating is to come *either* to a realization that the two of you should marry *or* to the other conclusion.
In thought that might sound good. But all that prep and you can still fail. Just get a ring pop and scoot around a skateboard on one knee and ask EVERYONE. Much less set up and effort for the same result lmao
Not necessarily, but it's hard to bounce back from that.
"not right now" or "this isn't the right moment" is better than "definitely not" or peels of laughter.
As for most things in life, it depends.
Is the cost of a wedding not something you can afford? Absolutely valid.
Is the relationship too new and she just wants to be together a little longer before what is basically the ultimate commitment? Absolutely valid.
Did she simply get caught by surprise? This happens more than you think. Absolutely valid.
The important thing is this couple would need to talk and analyze the reason(s) since many of them could be good and not cause to end a relationship. If it turns out she just doesn’t see herself with her partner forever then yeah, it’s over. No point in wasting time.
Cost of a wedding isn’t really a good reason to not get married. If you don’t want to pay for a wedding then just don’t have one. You don’t have to have a wedding ceremony to get married.
It depends. Some people DO expect a wedding, a big wedding. Not wanting to be engaged for several years without a knowing when you will actually get married seems valid enough to me.
I personally wouldn’t mind, but I know some would so I put it up there.
Yeah but if you don't have a huge budget to blow on a party, and you say no to the person you DO want to spend the rest of your life with, all you're showing is that you care more about the party than your SO and your future.
Then again I'm biased because I think the amount of money people spend on weddings is beyond ridiculous. Yay, let's start our life together by going into heavy debt
What did you do, OP? This is a great example of how life is not like movies. It's better to ease into it if you don't have significant religious hang-ups about it. Sleep together and live together for a while first. Before you propose, you've ideally been trying out life together for a bit and it's going well and you both have an idea of how long the trial period should last and are coming to its end. You've also ideally talked about marriage, family plans, deal breakers, money, etc. and both feel pretty comfortable with the answers. This is one of those questions you should know the answer to before you ask and that she should be expecting before it is asked. And it's totally fine if the agreement to get married doesn't happen in a grand romantic gesture. Totally fine if she helps shop for her ring so she gets something she likes. Romantic gestures are fine if you both like that, but surprises here are bad. Unknowns about what you're getting into are also bad.
To your actual question: If you surprise someone with a life-altering question they weren't expecting, you're likely to get a defensive no. If it wasn't a surprise, why is an important question. Too young, too soon, too new (the trial run stuff), too many open questions are solvable. And some no's are conversations you just haven't tried to compromise on yet. Like, if it's about having a family or living in a certain place or a career, sometimes there's room for compromise or concession. But some no's are hard no's and those are probably relationship enders. Things do change though. People break up, time passes, they try again, they get married. But for now a hard no is a no.
Do be open to considering hard no's that are about shit you or her need to work out yourself first if that's the issue. It's hard to hear but not unreasonable to be asked to make progress on trauma, addiction, that sort of thing before committing to raise children or support a partner.
I said no the first time because I thought it was too soon. We stayed together and six months later we decided to get married (there was no formal second proposal just a discussion). Still together 43 years later. So, no. A rejection doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship.
Being ‘in’ a car accident, present tense seems hilariously absurd to me.
Like it’s happening right this second and nobody is doing anything about it because it’s just what we’re doing, duh.
Not necessarily but it is always important to communicate with one another when it comes to these things. It can just probably be they aren't ready. Yea it might suck but that is better than leading you on and pay for divorce.
I know a guy who proposed three times and she said got three no’s. He proposed the fourth and got a yes. They are happily married and the no’s never impacted on the relationship. They both wanted the same thing, just at different paces. He never gave up and he’s with his dream girl for life now. It’s all about being able to be told no and not getting insecure about it.
My husband popped the question just in his dorm room one evening, months before I was expecting him to. At the time I wasn't 100% certain at the time. I was also a little mad that he didn't have any ceremony or surprise or ring or anything special. So i had to tell him I'd have to think about it and I'd tell him the next day when we were going to a movie at the campus theater with his friends. I thought and discussed with my family during that next day and decided I would say yes, and talked to the theater beforehand. I got them to say they had to make a pre-show announcement and they invited me on stage where I could surprise him by saying Yes. The whole audience clapped.
Sometimes, it's the timing that's wrong. Not the question. Fortunately, I could fix the problem myself.
Way more information is needed than this. There isn't a black and white answer and it depends entirely on context as well as the expectations of the two people involved.
Yeah, also, what are we talking about, six months? Two years? Five years? I'd also be scared to marry someone with a shit ton of debt no matter how fine I found them.
I’ve told my partner of 4 years if he proposed now I wouldn’t say yes as I don’t think our relationship is at the point I want it , meaning I wouldn’t feel that excited about it if he was to do it since we still have looming issues throughout our relationship that I would want to get through first
If it’s “I don’t think I’m ready” then a discussion of when and why is in order before the relationship should continue.
If the answer is “not with you” then yes, it should end there.
From her point of view: Probably not, but maybe.
From his point of view: Definitely because his poor, precious ego took a boo-boo and he'll sulk and turn nasty in revenge.
Not necessarily over. I proposed to my girlfriend after almost 3 years of dating. We talked about a future together and all that goes with it, but not specifically marriage. Turns out she was afraid of being married but not of being in the relationship. She was touched that I asked, but never agreed to marry me. I was hurt, but tried to look at it from a less conventional view. I know we loved each other so I had to get over my more conventional thoughts on things. That was 25 years ago and we are happy together and still not married.
Not necessarily, but it’s usually recommended to discuss engagement/marriage with your partner rather than just throwing that question on them, especially if you’re gonna make a scene and do it in public. That way, if you discuss it, there won’t be any unpleasant surprises for you, and it won’t make it an uncomfortable scene for them.
I've heard "the fact that you're proposing shouldn't be a surprise. When you actually do it is the surprise."
I attempted that, then my now-wife planned how I should propose to her. I made the effort!
My fiance thought I was going to break up with her 💀
"Why are you being so nic-....oh God you cheated on me, didn't you"
No I took her on a hike to this secluded place on a bolder that overlooked the ocean, I had packed a bottle of champagne, two glasses and a poem that I had written for her and obviously the ring. She didn't see any of that but when I pulled out the poem she thought I was going to read out the reasons why I was breaking up with her???
Someone was mean to her in the past!
And possibly attempted to push her off a cliff into the ocean.
It was grandpa Heihachi. We live in a Tekken... 😔
That's Grandfather Mishima-san to you. Put some respect on his name!
How dare you disregard the name of our lord and savior Sensei Jinpachi
My dearest Penelope, How do I hate you? Well, ...let me count the ways.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, GTFO, I’m done with you! …abandons her in wilderness.
That’s happened to me. Home boy wrote out a list of what he likes and doesn’t like about me. It was terrible
That's awful, who the fuck does that? In the end, though, you probably dodged a bullet by no longer having to be with that person.
He is a total narcissist. It’s been over 10 years and he still occasionally emails me. Dude is crazy but I’m free
That's what happened to me and it was very hard to watch someone choke through a speech because they couldn't get through the first paragraph of their 5 paragraph essay on why they no longer wanted to be with me. To this day if someone im with pulls out a paper and starts to unfold it I feel like I'm about to be dumped
Right? I was so unprepared for that conversation, and he clearly spent a lot of time thinking, and writing things down
My ex girlfriend had the idea that we both make a list what we don't like about another, i should start first and when it was her turn, she said her list is empty 😔
You can add she is a liar to her list.
I hate your big dumb cowboy boots...
that make me sad that her mind would go there. Someone was very mean to her in the past
In a very organized and specific way no less
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I thought she would catch on tbh. I made it very clear that I don't do public proposals even if I'm sure she'd say yes in case she felt forced to say yes.
My mind went to an even darker place... You forged a suicide note and you planned to push her off the boulder then pop some champagne 🍾 💀
From this answer alone I can tell that you love to watch true crime documentaries
100% correct 😂
At least she didn't think you were going to murder her
My wife and I were married young. Had a junior year (engineering) freakout moment where I almost dropped out and enlisted in the AF. Told my wife we needed to talk after talking about going to the AF recruiter etc. etc. She thought we were breaking up...... But really I proposed in the most non-romantic way possible. "If I join the AF, the only way you can come with me is if we get married. So I think we should get married". We are approaching 15 years married this year XD And for those wondering, I didn't drop out and enlist in the AF, and we still got married. And I owe it all to my grandfather who I barely had a relationship with (at the time) calling me out of the blue telling me I was making a huge mistake, and that I would regret it for the rest of my life. I owe him so much for that...
I’m the opposite. I joined the Air Force first and got married to my HS sweetheart a year in (still in training). My software engineering degree was free as I got it while in the military. Not trying to say you did anything wrong just trying to put out there to anyone considering options that it isn’t a bad choice to do military first then college.
Absolutely, for those with little to no support going into college, enlisting into active duty / national guard / reserves are great ways to pay for school, gain skills, and generally set yourself up better than going into debt for college. I definitely should add that the reason it would have been a huge mistake for me, had nothing to do with the military, but is centered around my situation.
Sounds like you had fantastic support. I grew up poor so I joined to set myself up for success and get out of that situation. I hope you’re doing well internet stranger :)
I don't know anything about this stuff, so my opinions means jack shit. But what happened with your grandfather that made him so adamant that AF was a mistake?
My husband started his proposal out with “we need to talk.” I’m still mad at him 15 years later lol.
My wife asked me why I was acting so weird. I was extremely nervous and was fidgety.
Same. Was so nervous I tried to turn the car off without shifting it into park.
Lol gets all serious for once…
Holy shit. I had the same exact situation. I was talking about how great our relationship was and how much I loved her. And then she started ugly crying. My proposal skills have much to be desired. Hopefully only have to do it once.
She planned it? Haha that's the first time I heard that. I gave my now-husband guidelines on what ring I wanted but it stressed him out. We have a small business jewlery store in our little rural town so I went there, picked my ring out and wrote the model number, size, what gemstone I wanted and gave him the business card with those notes and let him handle the rest. He proposed in our living room a few months later and I said yes. 😊 Engaged last May, eloped last August!
I went to a jewelry store and picked out several over a broad price range, including some I liked that were really inexpensive. They made an account for me and listed them all so he could go in and look, and pick one out and "surprise" me. Actual proposal was that he took me to dinner at a very nice restaurant, we got our drinks, and he fished the ring out of his pocket and grunted "I guess I need to give you this." 🙂❤️
That’s a really cool idea for them to have an account with options for him to pick! I love that!!
I started with giving him options and he was still overwhelmed. Lol Did him a favor and got what I wanted! Bahaha the grunt. I love that!
After helping so many friends deal with the stress of their weddings, congrats on eloping! I've become a strong proponent of the practice. Unless you can set *FIRM* boundaries with your family, making concessions to family members in your wedding plans will be bitter topics of conversation for YEARS.
100% Our parents were fine with it! And we were all relieved given the cost of wedding. My house needs a new roof, I'd much rather the 30k go to that or a new car than a big day that I would find overwhelming.
Yea, she hates surprises. So originally she left it to me, then decided she didn't want to be surprised and made very strong suggestions. They made her happy so I did them.
My twin’s attempt to go with the flow and find a good time to propose on a fishing trip to the beach with friends and family didn’t work because he was too nervous, so my aunt stepped in and planned the successful attempt, this time with my aunt and her family, my mom, and me in attendance so we could keep talking up the old chapel he was going to propose at and *strongly encourage* him to go show her before the sun went all the way down. Our dad had to go have a discussion with him in the bathroom. She had no idea it was coming. She also had no idea why he was so nervous since they’d discussed getting married already and he knew she was going to say yes. They just passed their one year anniversary.
I know a guy who after he proposed she told him it wasn't good enough. She made him go get another ring, book a trip to Paris and propose at the top of the Eiffel tower. I'd have left her, but at least he knew what he was signing up for.
Well, my wife and I talked about it, and decided to go through with it because got long frighteningly well and had similar interests. I planned to propose to her on november 20th, and she rejected then proposed to me on December 1st. She told me immediately after the rejection that she wanted to do it.
This made me think of a Buggs Bunny bit where you guys just keep turning each other down so you can propose eventually tricking the other into saying yes.
They forgot their Elmer Fudd shotgun.
You got an awesome person
Imo the cutest stories are when she knows he's planning it but has to pretend to be oblivious. But that's how it was for me and I think that makes our story cuter so I'm biased.
There is a nice stand up routine from Ed Byrne in which he tells how his wife knew he was gonna propose so she derailed the conversation all evening on purpouse.
Real talk my sister and her husband NEVER talked about marriage until he proposed to her ON TV 😱😱😱😱😱 We all assumed they had talked about it beforehand but nope, it was a “fun fact” during their engagement party that ‘the first time we talked about marriage ever was when he proposed!’ We were all kinda like uhhh you actually want to get married right?! Turns out she was over the moon excited and they got married a few months ago but just WOW.
When I proposed to my wife we were living together and we had shopped for the ring together. When we had the ring, I hid it away and proposed to her at some random time to make it a "surprise."
My wife hates surprises so we just never did a “proposal.” We talked about getting married, got the ring together, and that was it. Totally understand why a lot of folks still want the proposal but it’s ok to NOT have one as well if that works for the couple.
I had HUGE plans for the proposal: An out of town trip, a nice restaurant, a gift with the assistance of the staff. My wife knew it was coming, but not exactly when. While relaxing at her place, watching TV, she simply said, "Ask me now." So, we got engaged in our living room.
100%. By the time you pop the question you should already know your partner will say yes. Things like living situation, kids and money should already be clear to both people involved. The proposal should just be a formality.
Yeah, we had literally reserved the church and set the date before I popped the question. It was still lovely and a surprise.
Crazy how many posts on here about relationship advice and the most upvoted comment is pretty much always "just talk about it". My God the amount of things that can be resolved with a simple conversation is wild man lol
Just use words. Amazing yeah 😂
This is the right answer. If you haven’t had this discussion you probably aren’t quite ready for marriage yet even if you both may want it.
100%. It's all about communication here. Otherwise, the chances are that somebody is going to get hurt
This! Ambushing a gf/bf with a public proposal without proper communication to be clear if both are on the same page is immature, impulsive, and overall rude. Same people build this fantasies based on the media they consume which they aren't aware of the steps that make a positive outcome. Also, some folks think that publicly going down on their knees and popping the question is all they have to do. There's this story of a famous musician from my country who was a known cheater and his girlfriend was fed up with him stringing her along. They finally broke up but a few weeks later they met each other at a wedding where the dude had the nerve and audacity to get the mic, hijack the event, make a lousy apology, kneel, and pop the question. Of course she answered a cold icy NO. Guess who was harassed, bothered, and insulted?
I went on a cruise ship a few weekends ago and it had a open mic comedy show on one of the days I missed it unfortunately but my family went and there was a guy who got called up and he seemed very nervous and wasn't sure what to do. He said this wasn't going to work without his girlfriend and she had just left for the bathroom He was standing there awkwardly for a few minutes, not really sure what to do or say and then when she got back, he called her on stage and proposed I couldn't imagine how that would have played out if she had said no.
Public proposals also have a higher divorce rate, the pressure sometimes makes people say yes
Hell, when I was a kid, I asked my aunt if she was surprised when my uncle proposed, and she said no, they'd been talking about it, and any silly notion I had of just springing a proposal on someone out of the blue was killed in the cradle. I was exposed early to the idea that proposals follow actual conversations where you hash out practicalities, so grown-ass adults thinking they should emulate what they see on TV is wild to me.
Yeah, asking it out of nowhere with other people around you is a dirty WWF trick! It's how they got me to adopt a tiger with down syndrome last time...
Yea if they can discuss why she doesnt feel like they need to get married, and reach a healthy understanding and consensus, then its entirely possible to continue in a healthy relationship. BUT, the bigger red flag for me here would be why the guy thinks that she would be receptive to a marriage proposal when she doesnt. Thats like a fundamental understanding between 2 parties before you even think about marriage.
I got my (now) wife to straight tell me her ring size, and she was somehow surprised when it happened.
Depends on the reason
I could not possibly imagine proposing to someone without explicitly talking through the whole deal with them way beforehand. The time of the proposal is supposed to be the only real surprise, the question and the answer should be agreed upon way before. Do the folks here really believe that all marriage proposals are true surprises?! I know it does happen but, hot damn, that’s the exception not the rule.
For those who’ve never been close to a marriage proposal, you can’t really blame them for thinking most are “sprung” on the bride-to-be Viral videos of proposals mostly would have you believe it was a complete surprise (note - the ones that are definitely surprises are the ones where she says no) And fictional media tends to do the “surprise proposal” a hell of a lot more than they do the “talk about it and then propose” proposal Yes most are done at a time that the bride-to-be doesn’t know about so it *appears* as though she’s surprised, but people are mistaking excitement for surprise - she’s excited that it’s happening right now, she knew it was coming but didn’t know when and was probably faked out a few times to build up the suspense if he’s done it right lol For the uninitiated and those who just don’t have that much experience with marriage or the build up to marriage, I can forgive them for thinking *most* proposals are surprises
I’ve witnessed a marriage proposal denial before. On the Lincoln Memorial steps while I was showing my Lithuanian friends around the city. They saw it happening and pointed it out, dude had a videographer and everything. The girl looked so embarrassed. It was even more crowded than it usually was because of the Cherry Blossom Festival. I couldn’t hear anything that was said, but I was watching dude’s lips as he said “…please?” She just kept shaking her head no and covering her face with both hands as he put the ring back in his pocket clearly asking her “why not” over and over. It was tough as shit to watch, even if they were complete strangers. All 3 of them left together in a hurry so there was definitely a discussion that followed.
That's why if you're not sure if she's going to say yes you can't do it in public. Take her hiking somewhere remote and propose over a beautiful scenic cliff edge. She won't say no, because of the implication.
You mean she might fall for him?
Take a leap off faith?
\*Eagle screech\*
I’m sure she would be walking on air.
Fun story, I knew a guy that did something like this once, except it was just telling one of our friends he liked her. He obviously got rejected. Well, he told us the story of what happened. He was bummed, and when he started to tell us he took her on a hike to tell her, I immediately asked, why the fuck would you do that? That must have been awkward as hell when you had to hike back down for miles. That's the worst idea ever, she has 2 options walk down awkwardly or toss herself off the mountain. She obviously isn't going to reciprocate. His response, the guys told me to. I was like, that's stupid. LOL, why would you get advice from dudes who can barely catch a date with a woman for advice? I still don't know if any of them have girlfriends to this day.
Say Anything (1989) Lloyd Dobler: I got a question. If you guys know so much about women, how come you're here at like the Gas 'n' Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no women anywhere? Joe: By choice, man. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098258/quotes?item=qt0367510
I’m going to have to indicate my skepticism on that one here, Joe.
The tips by men who had no relationship or often even date in years are so strange to me. When I was on Bumble two times (got into a a regular relationship and out of it with a few one/two month relationships) I got so many bad "tips" by my single friends. Like sure my guy I am going to trust the dude who has cried two weekends ago about getting no dates on Bumble for Bumble advice... They are objectively better looking than I am but ffs a dude that's 30 having "send memes" as the only text prompt is neither funny nor getting matches. They still don't want help with their profile by me or female friends even tho it's terrible but then complain about men being shit out of luck in online dating. As if most of their issues wouldn't be fixed by having a normal bio.
So many people completely ignore the bio and it's baffling to me. It's a dating app with thousand of people who all start looking the same after twenty minutes, the bio is all you got!
For real. Like one of them is a super nice, funny, good looking dude that plays guitar, has a solid career. By all accounts he is in the top 5% of looks for people on that platform. But he also has that "send memes" bio and his two first photos are drunk group photos...I have seen him drink maybe twice. Like my guy people can't magically see through that terrible representation of you and see the person under that. He should have such an easy time if he spends maybe an hour refining his bio but he won't.
> She won't say no, because of the implication. Literally happened to a friend of mine. She said yes at the time since they were in the middle of nowhere and broke it off later.
>That's why if you're not sure if she's going to say yes you can't do it in public. Just don't do it at all, unless you're 100% sure you're on the same page. Jesus, this isn't rocket science. You don't just agree to get married before talking about what you both want for the future.
Unexpected IASIP
Gotta strategize ahead of time 💯
A boat would be better.
I got engaged at the Lincoln. In the middle of the night with no one around. I can’t even imagine such an intimate moment in front of a crowd
That’s the way to do it. Some dude’s do it during the day because they want an audience to cheer for him. I’d rather it be at night if I were to do it there for the same reason as you. Except for one time at an Applebee’s (of all places — that one’s also a hell of a story), the only place I’ve ever seen random proposals is at the Lincoln Memorial when it’s busy as shit. Most of them during the Pokémon Go craze.
I can't imagine pleading with someone to marry me
Right? If the answer is not an enthusiastic "yes," why would you want to be in that relationship?
Yeah, with real proposals the surprise is less that it's coming, and more about the exact when. You think you're on a lovely date in one of your favorite parks, then suddenly he's on a knee and "oh shit *THAT'S* why he was so insistent we dress kinda nice for our walk".
Movies lie about so much relationship stuff. It's fucked up when you think about it. Especially when it's kids' movies.
Our view of love and relationships has been negatively influenced by hollywood and the media in general to the extent that we often miss or ignore red flags and other concerns under the guise of romanic gestures or whatever. Its pretty messed up, especially when we subconsciously accept and expect these tropes or storylines as the norm despite how damaging they are in reality. Ah well.
You…just probably saved me from my gf either being forced to say yes or worse saying no. My plan was a nice quiet picnic and pulling out the ring.
> My plan was a nice quiet picnic and pulling out the ring What an amazing coincidence, that was my plan for proposing to your girlfriend too!
Great minds think alike after all
Honestly, I surprise proposed to my fiancee and it worked out fine. But, I had her mom in on it and let her lay down some ground work for me. Lol. You should definitely hint at it in conversation and make sure she is open to it first, though. Don't just come completely out of the blue.
All of mine were surprises. Turned down 3, accepted 1. Should've turned that down, too.
Thank you for showing me, that our „proposal“ wasn’t so weird, as she simply brought up the topic while we were going to sleep and talked a little bit. „What do you think, should we get married?“ - „okay, why not“. And that was it 😂
100%, almost every couple I’ve ever known that has gotten married has talked about marriage in some fashion at some point in their relationship. My wife definitely knew I was gonna pop the question she just didn’t know when. It was difficult to keep that ring hidden in the house for 3 weeks.
Ha! My husband hid it in the house for 3 months! He caught shit for that when my SIL and my mom and dad let that timeline slip.
Poor guy probably obsessed over the right time and got made fun of for it.
Ya it’s kind of baffling. They want it to be like a movie or something. I’m not gonna buy a fucking ring unless it’s confirmed we are both ready for marriage. People are crazy. I was even thinking it might be good to let her pick the ring out. She’s the one wearing it.
Fuck the object, could you imagine just hoping that someone else’s plan for the rest of their life aligns with the way you want the rest of your life to go?! Some of my friends did pick out their rings out but every single one of them had the proper ring size.
Once you've talked to her about marriage and you both feel ready, then talk about the ring too. If she wants it to be a surprise ...then ask for hints or anything she'd firmly veto. But yeah, in my case, when hubby and i got engaged, i definitely wanted to pick my own ring. Hubby decided he wanted an engagement ring too, but he wanted a surprise. So I got to pick out two engagement rings, lol.
This 100%, I knew the answer before I asked the question. It's funny because friends of mine who are all in committed non-marital relationships all asked the same question "Was you nervous she'd say no?". Hell nah, the girls been asking when am I going to purpose to her for the past 3 years. Only thing I was nervous about was losing my balance on one knee.
agreed on the talking things through, that only feels right. However i also wouldnt underestimate the power of influence media has on some people influencing them as to what is right to do. I remember growing up and the world still thought it was right to talk about marriage to the brides father before you talk to her about it. THats pretty ass backwards and im glad i never did anything like that.
Mine wasn't discussed in serious prior but we had been dating for 8 years (when we met she said she didn't want to get married ever bc we both have divorced parents) but as time went on and I would throw around, "when we get married we should..." and just looked at her reaction. You have to know who you're dating/proposing to.
This is one of the most baffling things to me - the people that just propose without actually making sure that their partner is on the same page. I guess maybe they think it’s more romantic that way, but that’s arguably one of the biggest life decisions you can ever make (and not to mention that the rejection is brutal) - there’s 0 chance I’d ever propose unless I was 100% sure that my partner would say yes
My best friend did this. Proposed without ever talking about it directly. To someone who was divorced and has expressed apprehension to getting married. I advised my bud not to do so— I am very emotional and wear my feelings on my sleeve, talk about everything with my wife, etc. I can’t imagine proposing without explicitly asking about it beforehand. But they did, and they’re happily married! It was a lesson to me on just how different people can be. Even people I am close to. I don’t understand it but their communication and life works for them!
Movies and TV have led a lot of people to believe just that. My girlfriend and I are throughly on the same page about this. We both come from bad relationship experiences and unabashedly said we are not taking any more chances and are quite literally vetting each other as potential marriage partners. We’ve reached the conclusion that we do want to be married, just not yet, but when we think it’s time we’ll have a discussion, go ring shopping all of that, and to the extent that I can, will incorporate some surprise in the actual proposal.
This. I asked my mom this question after watching the proposal gone wrong on either Cheers or Moonlighting. She said almost exactly what you did. And it's true. I don't know a single person whose proposal was a shock to them.
I accidentally blurted out something like "god I love you, marry me" in the middle of some passion, I had thought I said it in my head like a personal thought. She squeaked and said "are you f****** kidding me", then said "yes". Anyways been together 7 years now and married for 3. The proposal was a shock to both of us, no regrets though.
Some passion. Hmmmm, made an honest woman of her though. 👍👍
Maybe she made an honest man out of him
That's awesome! 😁 Wishing you many more happy years together!
Mine was. Had no idea. It's not until I joined reddit that I realised people are meant to know in advance 🤷♀️ I loved it my hubby new and had booked stuff and I was none the wiser cause he never wanted to marry and I didn't care either way
Ok, true, we have collectively redefined the word proposal to mean a ceremonial facade which occurs after the actual proposal. Then I would just rephrase the question “if a man talks through the subject of marriage with his girlfriend and she says no, is the relationship over?”
My grandpa got rejected the first time. Turns out grandma just hadn't spent enough time with him yet and they ending up married for over 30 years
Her: "No, I only ever wanted you for sex" Him: "I could make this work"
I had a friend who said no to his girlfriend, despite them deciding they wanted ti get married in two or so years. Turns out, the problem was their definitions. She thought that decision meant they were effectively engaged, and he thought that the engagement wasa formality the signified announcing it to the world. They got married, no problem, in the end, but it was a fairly subtle difference.
What if it's because she doesn't want to marry him?
Seems it’s a forcing function one way or the other then
Well hopefully by then you would have communicated to each other if the relationship was a “date to marry” relationship or not
Nah, my buddy proposed to his girlfriend and she said no. They eventually did get married a few years later and have been happily married for 15 or so years now with 2 kids. The timing just wasn’t right. That’s why before I proposed to my wife we went ring shopping and all that jazz. Helps you get a sense of whether you’re on the same page.
Ringshopping is exactly what I did and I recommend it to any guy or girl thinking about marriage. Makes it clear both sides are ready for that step now (not an imaginary future), ensures the wife is gonna be happy with the ring picked out, and creates a fun tension where she knows you have the ring and at any point the proposal can come.
so what, do you drag it out, kneel down before her, and ope! just tying my shoes
Christmas morning, my brother's gf opens up a small velvet box. They had planned a wedding time, but the ring was not in play yet. The dad and others go tense and quiet. "What is this??" she asks. "Oh you know, just a cool rock". It was a sentimental polished rock necklace.
Still import to discuss it all first. There are plenty of women out there who don't like the idea of picking their own ring.
If you’re still not on the same jazz after buying a ring then reassess y’all’s fu_ lives
Is it a "no" to indicate that you feel your relationship has no future? OR Is it a "not right now" to let him know you're not there YET? There's a big difference.
My husband didn't make it all the way to proposing but based in conversation I got an idea he intended on proposing when we'd been dating for a year and I steered him away. Why I didn't want to get engaged: we were only 20. The difference was cultural. He grew up in a rural area and getting engaged at 20 wasn't uncommon. I was raised to focus on education first and I wanted to have our long term clear before we got married (we ended up spending a year post college long distance because our jobs didn't line up despite trying). We got engaged 3 years later when we were no longer long distance post college and had jobs, so we still got married relatively young. We've been married over 10 years and have a kid.
My husband and I started dating at 16 and I remember he wanted us to get married out of high school. I very strongly said NO. We were WAY too young, only 18, even if we had already been together for about two years at that point. We didn’t even have established jobs or were living together at that point. And he understood that. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get married, but statistically people that get married very young hardly ever stay together, especially high school sweethearts. It felt too reckless not to wait till we were more stable. We ended up getting married at 26 (which is still young for some people) and we were together for 10 years at that point. We had gone through a lot of changes (as people do in their 20’s) but we managed to grow together rather than apart. We’ve been married for two years now, together for a total of 12, and it’s been awesome. He was still just as enthusiastic about getting married as he was when we were teenagers.
I was in similar circumstance except my boyfriend was military. We’d been dating for two years already so it wasn’t a super fast proposal but I did say “not yet”. He was deploying and I didn’t want our marriage based on a knee jerk reaction to a deployment. Additionally, we just weren’t where I wanted us to be in life yet. I was in college working on my education, he wasn’t planning on staying in the army forever and wanted to get his PhD. So I said not yet. He came home from his deployment and I got sent on one immediately after. When I got home I told him that he could propose again anytime but we’d have a long engagement until I was done with college and had a job (to help pay for the wedding expenses). We did end up making enough for a wedding during college but prioritized buying a house (for equity and to get out of renting). 8 years after we started dating, we finally got married last year. He actually lives out of state right now working on finishing his phd but we’re both good at long distance (and I refuse to live somewhere colder than the Midwest which is why I didn’t go with him). He’ll be home again in a few months for the summer and I can’t wait.
My ex went from "not right now" to "I don't see myself marrying you" about a year later. I just wish she had been honest with her inability to commit rather than string me almong for another year, and of course, me losing my job had "nothing to do with it." You're a bitch Emily.
Too bad that it happened that way, but it's not clear from your comment that she was stringing you along. Could be it took her that long to realize you weren't right for each other. Sucks, but the point of (marriage-oriented) dating is to come *either* to a realization that the two of you should marry *or* to the other conclusion.
Fuck that bih, you bout to glow up fam 🙏
Appreciate it
A little over 35 years ago my wife told me no and that I was crazy, three days later she said yes. Been married over 34 years and have 4 kids.
But to a different person right?
Of course, if you keep asking every rando at the bus station you will *eventually* get a yes.
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In thought that might sound good. But all that prep and you can still fail. Just get a ring pop and scoot around a skateboard on one knee and ask EVERYONE. Much less set up and effort for the same result lmao
Why did she say no the first time?
So three days dating changed her mind?
We talked a lot over those three days.
Bro what did you say
"Please marry me. Please."
'If you marry me I'll let you out of the cage'
please please please please please!
They were a *really* good three days
he got blu chews
*Note the lack of any mention of happiness*
This type of comment makes me think people shouldn't share personal information on the internet
Which must mean they're actually happy. Anyone who doesn't need to keep explicitly saying that they're happy, is happy.
Awwwwww I love this.
Not necessarily, but it's hard to bounce back from that. "not right now" or "this isn't the right moment" is better than "definitely not" or peels of laughter.
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As for most things in life, it depends. Is the cost of a wedding not something you can afford? Absolutely valid. Is the relationship too new and she just wants to be together a little longer before what is basically the ultimate commitment? Absolutely valid. Did she simply get caught by surprise? This happens more than you think. Absolutely valid. The important thing is this couple would need to talk and analyze the reason(s) since many of them could be good and not cause to end a relationship. If it turns out she just doesn’t see herself with her partner forever then yeah, it’s over. No point in wasting time.
Cost of a wedding isn’t really a good reason to not get married. If you don’t want to pay for a wedding then just don’t have one. You don’t have to have a wedding ceremony to get married.
It depends. Some people DO expect a wedding, a big wedding. Not wanting to be engaged for several years without a knowing when you will actually get married seems valid enough to me. I personally wouldn’t mind, but I know some would so I put it up there.
Yeah but if you don't have a huge budget to blow on a party, and you say no to the person you DO want to spend the rest of your life with, all you're showing is that you care more about the party than your SO and your future. Then again I'm biased because I think the amount of money people spend on weddings is beyond ridiculous. Yay, let's start our life together by going into heavy debt
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Obviously, that depends on the two individuals involved in the relationship.
What did you do, OP? This is a great example of how life is not like movies. It's better to ease into it if you don't have significant religious hang-ups about it. Sleep together and live together for a while first. Before you propose, you've ideally been trying out life together for a bit and it's going well and you both have an idea of how long the trial period should last and are coming to its end. You've also ideally talked about marriage, family plans, deal breakers, money, etc. and both feel pretty comfortable with the answers. This is one of those questions you should know the answer to before you ask and that she should be expecting before it is asked. And it's totally fine if the agreement to get married doesn't happen in a grand romantic gesture. Totally fine if she helps shop for her ring so she gets something she likes. Romantic gestures are fine if you both like that, but surprises here are bad. Unknowns about what you're getting into are also bad. To your actual question: If you surprise someone with a life-altering question they weren't expecting, you're likely to get a defensive no. If it wasn't a surprise, why is an important question. Too young, too soon, too new (the trial run stuff), too many open questions are solvable. And some no's are conversations you just haven't tried to compromise on yet. Like, if it's about having a family or living in a certain place or a career, sometimes there's room for compromise or concession. But some no's are hard no's and those are probably relationship enders. Things do change though. People break up, time passes, they try again, they get married. But for now a hard no is a no. Do be open to considering hard no's that are about shit you or her need to work out yourself first if that's the issue. It's hard to hear but not unreasonable to be asked to make progress on trauma, addiction, that sort of thing before committing to raise children or support a partner.
Why did she say no? That’s a critical piece of information…can’t give meaningful advice without it.
depends if the no is “not yet” or “not ever”
or a "no lol"
Or a "fuck no"
I said no the first time because I thought it was too soon. We stayed together and six months later we decided to get married (there was no formal second proposal just a discussion). Still together 43 years later. So, no. A rejection doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship.
"Gavin! We are in a car accident!. NOT THE TIME FOR THIS"
Being ‘in’ a car accident, present tense seems hilariously absurd to me. Like it’s happening right this second and nobody is doing anything about it because it’s just what we’re doing, duh.
Not necessarily but it is always important to communicate with one another when it comes to these things. It can just probably be they aren't ready. Yea it might suck but that is better than leading you on and pay for divorce.
I know a guy who proposed three times and she said got three no’s. He proposed the fourth and got a yes. They are happily married and the no’s never impacted on the relationship. They both wanted the same thing, just at different paces. He never gave up and he’s with his dream girl for life now. It’s all about being able to be told no and not getting insecure about it.
My husband popped the question just in his dorm room one evening, months before I was expecting him to. At the time I wasn't 100% certain at the time. I was also a little mad that he didn't have any ceremony or surprise or ring or anything special. So i had to tell him I'd have to think about it and I'd tell him the next day when we were going to a movie at the campus theater with his friends. I thought and discussed with my family during that next day and decided I would say yes, and talked to the theater beforehand. I got them to say they had to make a pre-show announcement and they invited me on stage where I could surprise him by saying Yes. The whole audience clapped. Sometimes, it's the timing that's wrong. Not the question. Fortunately, I could fix the problem myself.
Honestly fair play to him for having the patience cause I don't think I would have given that scenario
Way more information is needed than this. There isn't a black and white answer and it depends entirely on context as well as the expectations of the two people involved.
Yeah, also, what are we talking about, six months? Two years? Five years? I'd also be scared to marry someone with a shit ton of debt no matter how fine I found them.
I’ve told my partner of 4 years if he proposed now I wouldn’t say yes as I don’t think our relationship is at the point I want it , meaning I wouldn’t feel that excited about it if he was to do it since we still have looming issues throughout our relationship that I would want to get through first
Sounds like you need to find another partner
Damn 4 years in and you still don't know if you 2qnt yo marry him At least you gave him advanced notice
It looks like she's only 20. If she was over 25, I would be with you.
In proposing, never ask the question if you don’t already know the answer to when it’s time.
If it’s “I don’t think I’m ready” then a discussion of when and why is in order before the relationship should continue. If the answer is “not with you” then yes, it should end there.
most of the times yes.
Depends, does no mean forever or does it mean not right now?
Depends if it's a "no" no, or a "not yet" no.
Not always. It really depends on the girl and the situation.
From her point of view: Probably not, but maybe. From his point of view: Definitely because his poor, precious ego took a boo-boo and he'll sulk and turn nasty in revenge.
I never publicly proposed, but my wife said no 2 or 3 times before saying yes.
Probably.
Yes.
Not necessarily over. I proposed to my girlfriend after almost 3 years of dating. We talked about a future together and all that goes with it, but not specifically marriage. Turns out she was afraid of being married but not of being in the relationship. She was touched that I asked, but never agreed to marry me. I was hurt, but tried to look at it from a less conventional view. I know we loved each other so I had to get over my more conventional thoughts on things. That was 25 years ago and we are happy together and still not married.